-We start with a recap of Jojo on Ben’s season. We see her unicorn limo entrance, their 1-on-1 in Vegas kissing under the fireworks show, him telling her he loves her and that he promises she won’t be blindsided, the final rose ceremony where he dumps her, her being taken away in the limo, etc. All very standard stuff to set up JoJo’s “love story” for this season. And by love story I mean “six month engagement.” Gotta have the shot of her walking the beaches of Santa Monica having all the sadz and dreaming of the day that she’ll meet her Prince Charming. I love the one of her sitting on the rocks because, yeah, that’s what most of us do four months after a breakup and already signed on to be the next lead of the show. The only thing that should be going through her mind at this point is, “Hey, did ABC’s check clear yet?”
-Ali, Des, and Kaitlyn come to the mansion to talk to her before she meets the guys. This seems to be the standard now as every season we get past leads coming in and giving “advice,” even though it’s the same stuff every season. “Just be yourself,” “open up,” “enjoy the process,” “stick your tongue down everyone’s throat.” You know, the basics. JoJo says she’s really nervous and asks do you kiss on night one? Well of course you do sweetie. You want to make sure you alienate all the rest of the guys who find out you made out with only one of the 26. Says the hardest thing for her is saying goodbye. I read in a recent interview that JoJo said she’s never broken up with anyone. Wasn’t she technically breaking up with Chad when they had their staged conversation during her hometown date last season and she was basically telling him to leave her alone? I guess she doesn’t count that.
-She asks the other women what their biggest regret was. Kaitlyn says she didn’t live in the moment enough. I guess cuz she was all horned up from the get go with Nick and Shawn, she didn’t time time to enjoy it. Ali said she didn’t give the other guys enough of a chance. She thought Roberto was so hot from night one, she was so focused on him. Her advice was “If you like them, ignore them for a week.” Ahhhh the ol’ “hard to get” game. Yeah, guys really love that. Makes everything so fun. Yet if the tables were turned, the guy is now a jerk or not paying attention to you enough. Be careful what you wish for ladies. JoJo then ends this session with the theme that they will beat you over the head with for the next 11 weeks: “I hope that I find somebody, but scared I may not.” Uh huh. Doesn’t EVERY lead say that EVERY season? Just once I wanna hear a lead in the first episode saying, “This will be cake. I’m totally gonna find someone to be with at the end of this. Done deal. I’m not worried at all.” When keeping in mind the theme of JoJo saying she’s scared she won’t find anyone this season, just remember that 14 of the previous 15 seasons ended with an engagement in the final episode. Yawn.
-We then get 8 guys with intro videos – Grant, Jordan, Alex, James, Evan, Ali, Christian, and Luke. Lets take a look at them shall we?
–Grant is a firefighter from San Francisco. He saves lives, rescues cats from trees, probably has posted for some firefighter charity calendar shirtless at some point, and is an all-around wonderful citizen of this planet. Well, until we get to the story about what did to his ex.
–Jordan tells us he’s the younger brother of Aaron Rodgers. He was once in love, but was so focused on his football career, it ruined his relationship. Now he’s ready to find love. That’s comical actually. Someone go ask his ex Brittany Farrar what Jordan’s definition of “I was so focused on my football career” was. The guy never took a snap in the NFL in his life. Keep it in perspective.
–Alex lives in Oceanside, CA, didn’t know where his life was going, so he enlisted in the Marines. That’s funny, I thought you had to be over 5’2” to be a Marine? I kid, I kid. I think.
–James S. video was this season’s cheesy one. He’s a Bachelor “superfan” that watches the show with friends on Monday nights, fills in his brackets, and now he can’t believe he’ll be one of the people he’s watching. Well, not for too long James. I hope you don’t have yourself getting past the 2nd episode, cuz that’d be really embarrassing. What am I talking about? It’s already embarrassing you have watch parties.
–Evan is 33 and a director of men’s erectile dysfunction clinics in Nashville. The jokes are too easy with him this season. Is he “up” for the challenge? Will this process be too “hard” for him? How long will he last? He’s a walking Cialis commercial.
–Ali lives in Santa Monica and likes surfing and skateboarding. Oh, and playing the piano as well. He’s like that Chiamerkovnoffsky guy. Sorry. Not up to date on my famous pianists.
–Christian is a better man than me. He’s at the gym at 4:30 am. I’m still in REM sleep at that point, and I’m 2 hours ahead of him. #Riseandnotgrind. What sucks the most for Christian is his grandfather was incredibly racist, yet, he came on a show that might be equally as racist. Good luck to Christian. I say just let him have fun on Paradise. Less racism when they’re down in Mexico. I think.
–Luke is 100% country boy. Stunned we got no like at his country music background. Then again, considering 97 of the guys this season play guitar, maybe they just felt he’d blend in if they did that.