Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & the Return of Live Video Chat Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

Couplearguing3

You know what I forgot to do this week? Beat you over the head with getting your “Dr. Reality Steve” emails in. Usually I want to get around 8-10 a week. And that usually happens when I bring it up every day reminding you to send them in. Well lookie what happened. I didn’t keep reminding you and we have two. And one them was from like 3 weeks ago when I wasn’t doing the column. I just happened to save them. But oh well, just will be a short column this week. Next week I know you’ll come through for me. So start getting in your “Dr. Reality Steve” questions in. They will make your life better. I promise. Remember, I’m a neutral third party here. You ask your friends for advice, most likely they’re going to tell you what you want to hear. And that’s not productive to whatever situation you’re in now, is it? Dr. Reality Steve has all your answers. Step into my office, lay on the couch, and let me go to town on you. Take that as you’d like.

I mentioned earlier this week the state of the live video chats saying I don’t know when or how often I’m going to be doing them this season. Well, because it’s premiere week, I figured I couldn’t possibly let this week pass. Granted I’ll be in CA tonight for the show, and there might be rowdy kids running around, but I’ll do it tonight. Next week I know there won’t be one. After that, I don’t know how often. I really want to get into podcasting, but I want to do it right. I’m reading up on stuff, looking at the best equipment to buy, etc. So until that’s all set up, there will be live chats, just not every week.

Also mentioned on Tuesday about the Vine going around that was brushing Jordan’s hair during the episode on Monday. Thank you to the reader who pointed me in the right direction. I swear, if that strand of hair flies around every week, I’m going to cut it off myself.

Here you go. Your whopping two “Dr. Reality Steve” emails this week. Enjoy…
_____________________________________________________________

Hi Steve,

I know it’s off season so you won’t be posting this on your blog but this is just something I’ve been struggling with. I’m 24 and I’ve had four boyfriends, including my current one (we’ve been together for about two months now). All of my boyfriends before were virgins and my third BF and I had lost our virginities to each other.

I was heartbroken when I found out that my new and current boyfriend (age 28) has slept with 5 people (four of which were his gfs). I know that to some people it may not be a lot for someone who is 28. What do you think? I know that there’s nothing I can do about it and it’s in his past but even though he has reassured me that I am special I still feel non special and I don’t want to be “the next girl in line” because I really care for this guy. He and I both know that this may be “it” because we click together so well. We’ve talked about moving out together, combining bank accounts, weddings, etc.

I want to ask him to take an STD test but I just don’t know how I should ask him or what I should say. I can’t fully trust him with my body until I know that he’s STD free and it would give me a peace of mind. He has a lot on his plate right now (moving houses, changing careers) so I don’t want to prolong it but at the same time his birthday is coming up (June 20) and were taking a trip to San Diego so that may be our fantasy suite time, if you know what I’m saying haha.

I’d appreciate any feedback you have and what thoughts you can give me.

Thank you!

Comment: The ol’ “What’s your number” game? Everybody’s taste is different. You think it may be a lot to have 5 sex partners at 28. I don’t think that’s a lot for a guy, so consider yourself lucky. Then again, he could also be lying to you. You’ll never know for sure, so I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it and don’t dwell. If you do, this relationship will crumble.

As for the STD test, if that’s something you feel has to happen for you to start having sex with him, then tell him that’s what you need. If he’s put off by it, then you’ll have your answer as to how serious he is about you. If he obliges, then you know you’re more than a hookup. No guy is gonna get an STD test for someone he isn’t serious about. So that’ll be very telling.

I’d even just say that you want that San Diego trip to be “special.” Tell him you want the car to have maintenance done before he puts it in the garage. It’ll be the first time you’re with him without cameras or you mic packs on. Or whatever. So yeah, give him the heads up you want him to get the test done so can get freaky deaky down in San Diegy (tried to make that rhyme).
_____________________________________________________________

Hi Steve!

I LOVE your site, spoilers, and musings… Keep up the great work, yada yada?

I need dating advice and I’m curious as to your input. All of my friends tell me I have high standards and I need to lower them, but I’m not convinced. I hold myself to high standards, so why not my man, too? Here’s the quick rundown of what I’m looking for: attractive, college-educated, taller than me, funny, family-oriented, can hold an in-person conversation, and easygoing.

I’m 30 years-old, and I don’t have time to waste on a man I know isn’t right for me. Is it too much to ask that a man be college-educated, know how to have a conversation, and be a gentleman?! Most of the men I’ve met don’t know how to talk to a lady and are against commitment. What’s up with that!?

I’m starting to think my idea of an old-fashioned gentleman is completely obsolete. Thoughts/advice? Help!

Comment: I don’t think that’s asking much, but then again, I don’t know how much you date. If you’re going on 1 date a month and not finding anybody, I wouldn’t say you’re holding your standards too high. But if you’re going on say 6-8 dates a month and still single, then either A) the guys you’re going out with aren’t fitting what you’re looking for or B) you’re being too picky. It’s nice to want all those things, but are every single one deal breakers? Like, if he fits all those but maybe one, does that mean it’s over?

You probably need to be a little more open minded. I’m just getting the sense from the email that you aren’t being the most lenient when it comes to those. I’d just date around, find someone you click with, and quit pigeonholing these guys into having to check off every box of your criteria. It’s not that I think what you’re asking for is a lot, because it’s not. There are plenty of guys that probably fit that criteria. But I’m just saying to be a little more lax with it.
_____________________________________________________________

Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tonight.

4 Comments

4 Comments

  1. rob22

    May 26, 2016 at 10:23 AM

    To the second letter writer: High standards = perfectionism. Perfectionism is just a fancy high minded term for being risk averse. We like to use words like High Standards to be clear that we won’t just date any clown. No, “we (royal we) have standards unlike you commoners who date short, unfunny, uneducated, ugly slobs”.

    The reality is that you are afraid of making a mistake and having a bad date. You might be embarrassed, you might be made fun of, and you might end up in the clutches of the serial killer. Who knows, right? It would be just your luck. High Standards, aka Perfectionism are usually fear based, not morals based and ultimately will not find you a good mate. Perfectionism will instead find you some really great books to read home alone on a Saturday night. Very frequently. Or, maybe you’re OK being the tag along friend as all the rest of your life as all of your friends get married. Poor Elizabeth. She’s so nice. She never dates, at all. Do you think she’s a lesbian?

    How did this happen? Maybe you come upon it because of a natural shyness/introvertedness & just find it tough to date, in general. Or, perhaps you dated a short guy & someone looked at you funny or made a comment about you being an odd couple. You quickly added “no short guys” to the list to avoid that situation ever again. Then went out with a non college educated guy and he acted like an inbred moron. No non college educated guys. Never again. Check. And so it goes.

    Now, actual “high standards” ARE appropriate for marriage. And, I realize you need some chemistry, so there are going to be some superficial things on your “list”. But, really there was not much that was high minded, on your list. Where are the high standards? It’s not high standards to say “no short people” or “no non college guys”. It’s not high standards to say he must be “attractive”. (Duh, everyone wants that). The only high standard (beyond being a gentleman, which is a good thing to require. Most women skip that one these days and wonder why they have sub-standard dating experiences) you have is that the guy be “family oriented”. What the hell does that even mean? He wants eleven kids? He doesn’t ever go out with his buddies without your permission?

    OK, enough abuse. Please do yourself a favor and drop the pretensions. And along with it, most of your list. For dating, you should look for anyone that moderately interests you and go out on a date. And, yes. Forgo the requirement that the guy must ask you. It’s been a long, long time since asking a guy out has been a thing. Younger guys are pretty lazy these days. If you wait for them, you’ll probably be waiting forever. The better guys have women lining up for them. But, I digress.

    Anyway, most dates will be sub-standard in some way. So, yes, you will have to RISK a bad date or 10. Or 50. You will have to RISK embarrassment & other things. Then, guess what. Along with having a much more robust weekend schedule & some actual fun dates, you will eventually date someone that interests you A LOT. It may turn into a marriage. But, if you maintain your risk averse approach, which is really what your approach is, you will date very little and will greatly lower your chances of ever meeting that guy that interests you a lot.

    And, for marriage, do have high standards. But I would ask you to reconsider your list and put things on it that actually have something to do with high standards. Like being loyal (to you) and truthful, almost to a fault. Like being a gentleman, that’s a good one to keep from your current list. Like having moral character to do the right thing even when it’s hard. Like caring about other people and being willing to step in and help others.

    But, for now, date. Kiss some frogs. You’ll have some fun and eventually you’ll find your prince. And you’re prince might be shorter than you’d prefer. There’s a story in that, but this is already too long.

  2. product19

    May 26, 2016 at 3:00 PM

    To the first woman, two months is early! Take it easy. But I agree to having a talk about how you feel about sex, what you need (testing), and relationship expectations.

    The second woman, too high expectations? About the guy? No. About your whole timeline? Yes. You’re putting pressure on yourself. Instead it should be like, here’s a guy I want to spend time with. I met my boyfriend when I was feeling totally through with dating. These guys are not for me at all and I’d rather read a book at home. Then I just started doing things that made me happy and making an effort to socialize around other activities (not just going out). And that’s when I met him completely unaware that he was into me. Sure, date, but be wary of that “I need to find someone” feeling. If it helps, try and get some perspective from others around you about the whole issue of timeline and everything. I have several divorced friends to remind me. I know it’s hard because that’s what our culture says (“30? Get on it!”). But the truth is none of this stuff is linear. Just do what makes you happy, enjoy life now, and be open.

  3. LM111

    May 27, 2016 at 5:05 PM

    Damn straight, Rob22…
    There’s some advice worth taking!

  4. cjscjs711

    May 29, 2016 at 10:10 AM

    First letter, agree you will not be sure if this “5” is an accurate number. “Five” is the commonly-accepted average number for average 20-somethings. Yes, you should tell him you would not feel comfortable met with the possibility of intimacy happening with anyone who hasn’t had STD tests done recently first. That this is your feeling regarding anyone, not just him. He may feel offended nonetheless, but this is your feeling, this is you, and he should know this.

    I would not mention that you are thinking it might happen on the trip. As though you are thinking you might like to schedule it. And what if the moment you want arrives before the trip!

    Obsessing over past relationships can really kill the present one, fast, as many of us have experienced.

    Second letter: Why are certain credentials so important to you? Is college-educated a stamp of intellectual approval to you? Never mind college dropouts, all kinds of high school dropouts; interesting successful people: Francois Pinault (Gucci, St. Laurent, etc. fame), Quentin Tarantino (successful film maker), Al Pacino (successful actor), Mike Hudack (Facebook manager), etc. Interesting people all walks of life. So it sounds a bit snobbish to insist they must have a college pedigree. Height – I understand this, I am very tall, but some shorter men – had very good relationships with.

    So in these superficial areas, as Rob22 said, I think you are being superficial. Not with the politeness and consideration though. As others have said, beware of these lists. At 30 it is going to be harder to find ‘a good man.’ But you know what? It is not going to get easier – only more difficult and the pools will get smaller, until as Candace Bergen’s 50-something character once said, “My pool is the size of a bathtub!”

You must be logged in to post a comment Login

Leave a Reply

  © Copyright RealitySteve.com - All rights reserved

To Top