-Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in PA is the first stop on their journey outside of CA and, well, it’s a resort out in the hills of PA. Can’t say there was really much out there that blew anyone away, was there? The resort itself I heard is 5 star. But in terms of the dates they showed there? Uhhhhh, did Nemacolin really get their ad money worth? It showed nothing in terms of the activities you can do in the area. But whatever. Now another 7 million people who may not have heard of the place can say they have. The first date card arrives and it’s for Luke. “I like you very mush.” How creative. We see them basically in something like the Iditarod but the dogs are running them through the woods of PA, instead of for miles and miles in the snow. How long before PETA contacts ABC and says the treatment of dogs in this episode was unethical? Especially since they easily could’ve just taken some bikes, or hell, maybe just walked to their destination, which was a wood fire hot tub. ABC ain’t foolin’ around with JoJo, are they? 20 minutes ago she was in a bikini at the pool party, and here we are back in a bikini again. I’m not complaining.
-In the hot tub, JoJo tells Luke how much fun she had that day, when literally we saw about 12 seconds of their date, and it was just dogs pulling them as they sat on some dune buggy like seat. I guess we missed out on how much “fun” that actually was. Whatever. Someone might wanna ask those dogs how much “fun” that was for them to unnecessarily be pulling three humans (there was some dude standing up behind them) in the middle of the woods just so they could get to a hot tub and make out. Anyone? Anyone? Someone go stick a microphone in Spitz’s mouth and get his thoughts on the sled pulling. My 7th grade teacher will be proud I just got a “Call of the Wild” reference in there. I’m sure he’s none too thrilled to do that. Sure, all his boys could watch him on TV last night, but I highly doubt that was worth it. We know the “Bachelorette” is not a popular show among the Husky demographic. The numbers speak for themselves.
-So these two jump in the outdoor hot tub and conveniently picks up her up to slowly put her in the water since the tub was scorching hot. I say conveniently because Luke was slick enough to know, “Hey, if I pick her up here, I can cup her ass the whole time for America to see.” Which is exactly all we were looking at. Well, at least I was. You ain’t foolin’ anybody Luke. I see what you were doing there. He then tells her he kinda feels at home out there since he grew up on a ranch, and he’s used to the peace and quiet outdoors. Yeah, but are you used to grabbing women’s asses in bikini’s on national television? That was probably a first for you. Hey, I have a question? Why didn’t you invite any of the dogs into the hot tub with you? I’m sure after the long, arduous trek through the woods they pulled you through, one of them could’ve used a little relaxation. Guess that was asking too much, huh? Maybe he would’ve invaded your territory? Uh huh. I hear ya’ loud and clear.
-Back at the mansion, since ABC has to fill their necessary “We have to show Chad at least once every five minutes” protocol, we get the guys sitting around and the date card arrives. All of them. Minus Luke who’s on the date. Oh, and Chad, who’s outside chilling in the hot tub because I guess all the other guys have cooties and he doesn’t want to sit with them. He basically tells everyone it’d behoove them to not poke the Chad Bear. I agree. But this is more so a warning for the ladies. Don’t ever poke the Chad Bear. Or look at him. Or walk by him. Or talk to him. Or respond to his Match.com profile. Things could get ugly. Of course, then they show us footage of a bear roaming in the hills making us think it’s right next to Chad when I’m sure it was filmed on a different day in a completely different scene. Again, we never saw them together in the same shot, so you know a bear wasn’t just roaming feet away from Chad and he was fine with that. Although maybe there’s a good chance that bear was a relative of Chad’s who was just checking up on him. 1st cousin? 3rd cousin once removed? A myriad of possibilities.
-Then it was dinner time at the Supper Club for JoJo and Luke. This is where things got deep. And not in a sexual way. JoJo makes it known to him she loves his relaxed confidence and wants to know where he got it from. Luke then goes into a story about how he was recruited to play football at West Point, went into the Marines as a lieutenant, he was responsible for many soldiers lives, he had a close buddy named Jason who was killed in action (you can read about his pal Jason here), aaaaaaannnnnnd scene. Fast forward to late August/early September during an episode of “After Paradise” and the announcement from Chris Harrison saying, “Ladies and gentleman…our next Bachelor…Luke Pell!” Obviously we’re still a ways away from that, and nothing has been decided, but it’s pretty clear he’s a front runner for the gig. As I’ve said since the beginning of the season, knowing that every recent “Bachelor” has finished in the top 4 of their season outside of Jake and Juan Pablo, pretty safe to assume that next season’s will come from there as well. And with that backstory, can’t be too surprised if he gets the gig, can we? Looking like it’s between Chase and Luke. Only issue? Chase needs about 100 shots of adrenalin before they ever make him the “Bachelor” and someone needs to teach Luke how to smile. The guy is so serious all the time.
-Once dinner was over and Luke’s “Bachelor” audition complete, they head over to The Palace where a whole crowd of adoring fans, many of whom were Reality Steve fans as well as evidenced by the amount of pictures being sent to me that night, awaited them and a performance by Dan + Shay. Kristen Baldwin from EW.com described the scene at that concert on Twitter last night as succinct as she could…
— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) June 8, 2016
C’mon, you all know Dan + Shay. You know, that one band that sings like that one song kinda. They do that thing on stage where they like sing all their hit and stuff. Yeah, them. They performed. And everyone loved it. Well, except Luke who in a crowd of adoring fans, and JoJo by his side kissing her in front of all of America to see, maybe cracked a smile once. Or twice. He needs to lighten up a bit. Maybe wave to the crowd? Pretend like you’re enjoying yourself? C’mon, you need to be camera ready if you’re going to be the next “Bachelor.”