Who doesn’t want to fall madly in love? And while we’re on the subject of the universal desires of millennials, who doesn’t want to appear on reality television? After all, how else might one possibly gain validation besides being followed by a camera crew at all hours of the day and night? But look at me being so cynical! True love exists – and so does MTV – and when those two seismic forces team up, remarkable things can and will happen and it will all go down on season four of Are You the One?
Yes, the series about finding a soulmate is back and, cynicism aside, there’s no denying that being isolated on an island with the person a team of matchmaking experts decided was perfect for you can actually work. Amber and Ethan met on the first season and they are now married with a baby! Perhaps one of our lucky current contestants will ask that baby to be a flower girl one day! But getting to that moment of marital bliss will not be easy…
And on that joyful note, let’s get started! Ryan Devlin is back as our host and he greets the contestants in beautiful Maui where they admit (in unison!) that they collectively “suck at relationships.” Screw forever-unions, I thought instantly. Let’s figure out what else we can get these twenty people to say as a chorus! Ryan tells them that the million dollar bounty they can snag if all couples are correctly lined up will be raised by another $250,000 if the first Truth Booth excursion leads to a match. That prize money sounds particularly appealing to one male contestant who mumbles, “I need that.” You guys? Nobody tell him that one million divided by twenty only yields him fifty grand, okay? He’ll figure it out himself by the time the next century rolls around.
The action starts right away with three couples matching up based on first impressions alone: Stephen and Kaylen, Tori and Prosper, and Tyler and Alyssa. This show is wasting no time; the credits haven’t even rolled yet and we’ve already got six people setting off tomorrow on a romantic excursion. Speaking of our contestants, we learn a bit about some of them:
Camille once dated a guy who told her he was in jail before he told her his favorite color, which I’m just assuming was orange.
Mikala only dates assh*les and would like to break that cycle. She might not be successful if she chooses Morgan who once told a girl she was only a 6 and ended up getting slapped in response. I totally admire that girl’s restraint.
Every guy she’s ever dated has deemed Victoria “crazy”. She also likes to throw quesadillas as a sign of total devotion – which means I have something in common with Victoria.
Prosper absolutely believes in love at first sight. In fact, he regularly believes he spots his future wife on a subway or bus. Nobody let this guy get on a plane, okay?
After the host leaves, the group starts getting to know one another. Sure, Prosper and Tori are already set for a Getaway Date, but that doesn’t mean he can’t check the others out! Let’s see…he notices “the little short one,” “the little Spanish one,” “the curly hair one,” and “the Kim K. one.” Love is abounding, everybody! But Tori has decided that she and her insta-match should get to know one another through a game of ping pong and she’s bold enough to suggest a wager. If she loses, she’ll twerk. If Prosper goes down (no pun intended – yet), he will have to remove his shirt. I ask you this: are we not all losers here? At any rate, whoever had “SOMEONE WILL TWERK IN THE FIRST SIX MINUTES” in his or her bracket, you win.
As for Stephen, he’s matched up for a date with Kaylen, but his plan is to chat up everybody besides Kaylen for the moment. He can talk to her tomorrow! Still, it’s not Stephen who comes off as the very worst. No, that little distinction is all Asaf’s, a man who believes his accent is working for him but does not seem to realize his tank top is not. It takes him approximately four seconds to ask Francesca for a kiss (she instantly becomes my favorite by refusing) and then he attempts to seal the deal by feeding her like one might feed an ornery toddler by pretending his fork is an airplane. I’m pretty sure Francesca’s not the only one feeling queasy right about now.
In another area, John and Julia are bonding for real. They both come from Louisiana and there is simply no denying the connection that can transpire when both people have frequented a Piggly Wiggly. Not impressing Julia is Asaf. She is so not attracted to his handstands or his swagger and their potential bond ruptures the moment he retaliates by calling her “Fat Ass,” a comment both rude and patently incorrect. On a happier note, I think maybe we just found our first villain of the season!
It’s late now. The alcohol has been flowing for hours. The contestants take turns explaining why they’re on the show. And what do we learn? Kaylen will not be submissive unless you earn it. Cameron hasn’t dated for six years, which means I think his last date was for the prom. Morgan gets bored easily – a humungous red flag. Giovanni keeps talking until his speech becomes a preach and he ends up turning several people way the hell off. Luckily, Kaylen is not one of those people. In fact, she recognizes her old self in him and wonders if the two are maybe meant to be. Perhaps they are, but all I can focus on is the guy’s terrible sunburn. Boys? Take a look at Giovanni’s tan lines and burn all of your tank tops this instant!