When exactly will the name of this show officially be changed from Are You the One? to John Is Losing His F*cking Mind? Will we have to wait until he punches seven more walls and then screams into the abyss that it doesn’t matter how the experts have spoken and their claim is that Julia is not a girl specifically put onto this planet just so he can ogle her from the moment she opens her wary eyes in the morning and sees him staring hard at her? Will the title change have to wait until Stephen’s very existence is threatened because the guy had the nerve to choose a girl from Louisiana, a girl John probably has Facebook friends in common with, as his partner for the last Match Up ceremony?
But the name of the show is not the biggest concern here. What is the issue is how rapidly John is unraveling because of a creepy obsession he’s managed to convince himself is real love. (I guess what’s also the issue here is how much more interesting this guy’s mental implosion is than the beauty of seeing two people like Gio and Kaylen actually falling in love, but that is an issue I will take up with a therapist when I have some extra time on my hands.) At any rate, tonight’s episode begins with an impromptu game of Truth or Dare and Julia is asked if she plans to maintain any sort of relationship with John after the show ends. With the guy sitting right there in front of her, she wisely answers in the affirmative, but she clarifies her answer in private and the answer is now, “Hell, no!” As for John’s new plan, sure, he’s open to finding his actual match, one that will be verified by the Truth Booth, but his match better understand that he is in love with Julia and he will not betray that one-sided loyalty any time soon. The rest of the cast is starting to get annoyed – or legitimately frightened – at the sheer level of this guy’s infatuation and many are starting to believe that Julia is leading John on by making him think he has even the slightest chance with her. Me? I think she’s just afraid of being stuck in a house made out of glass on an island with a man who might very well suffer from rage issues.
In other news, Cameron and Mikala snuggle up together and he declares that he “wants to explore the f*ck” out of her, a comment that could be read as romantic or revolting – I think it really depends on how drunk you are when you hear it.
The next day is a challenge and the game involves the guys having to answer questions about a certain girl in the house. Once again, it’s Julia who is causing the brawls to occur because Cam jumps to answer questions about her while Stephen wonders what the hell is going on. Did he not perfectly contour his face just last night to woo the girl and now Cam is getting in the way? In any case, once the game starts, Sam struggles to answer the questions (maybe it’s the French braids in his hair that are pulling on his brain and making him not do so well) but Gio kicks serious ass. Cam finishes in second and Cameron gets third place and that means those guys and their three girls are heading out for a Getaway Date on underwater scooters.
Back at the house, Asaf is getting sick of having to make small talk with girls all the time about matches and love and feelings. It’s so exhausting! All he really wants to do is grab someone and start making out with her so he walks into the room, twirls around in a circle, lands on Tori, pulls her to her feet, and shoves his tongue into her mouth. The scariest part? Tori likes it. Also relatively scary is the way John is still skulking about the house, attaching himself to Julia. Stephen comes into the room, a coffee filter filled with what looks like Fruity Pebbles to snack on, and John leaves for a second, giving Stephen time to ask Julia if she actually likes John. No, she explains, she does not like explosive people, and this right here seems to be a legitimate problem because John is nothing if not explosive. Stephen’s suggestion is that she ignore him, but he takes his guidance a step further by going outside to tell John that he thinks Julia might be his match and, “if that bitch is my match,” John better start to leave her alone. It’s so sweet to know that while Stephen might soon be dead, romance is very much alive, right?
Right about then is when Victoria completely loses her sh*t. She starts out pretty logical. She implores John to recognize that he needs to really look for his actual match. Then she shifts into some sort of emotional overdrive and starts yelling that she could be his match and they will never get a chance to actually connect if John stays hung up on Julia, a girl who manipulates him, a girl who is a total ho. “You guys are both the most f*cked up people here,” she says pointing at the crazy guy and the ho, and it seems like just another lovely night in Maui is unfolding.