One of the greatest movies ever is A Fish Called Wanda. Trust me on this; I teach Film and I have zero reason to intentionally lead you astray. Anyway, a bunch of the Monty Python gang – along Kevin Kline and Jamie Lee Curtis – play characters carrying out a jewel heist before things comically go very wrong. Kline plays Otto, a full-fledged fool, whose biggest issue is with anyone calling him “stupid,” even as he behaves like a total moron. “Don’t call me stupid,” is one of the recurring lines in the film and it’s hilarious every single time. In fact, it’s almost as hilarious as finding out that John – who rammed a fist through a wall, goes borderline catatonic every time a person with a penis attempts to engage Julia in conversation, and has been called “explosive” more than once by his fellow houseguests – really doesn’t enjoy having the word “explosive” quoted by a recapper of this show. He is not explosive. That fist flew through the wall independent of his body! And that d*ckhead recapper (that’s me!) does not know a single thing about the Real John. But you know what? With all the chaos occurring these days in society, we really do need to come together and forge some sort of peace. I want to do my part! I thus declare, right here and right now, that I will never again call John “explosive.” However, such a declaration does not mean that I will compromise my job of accurately chronicling this show – an act that involves describing televised actions and reactions – so should those descriptions sound in any way, um, flammable, well, that can’t really be my fault. I just write what I see, my friends.
Two weeks ago ended with several beams of light and a bonafide Match-Up. Mikala and Cameron are together. The others, though, have to start finding out who else is an actual match. Complicating things somewhat is the new battle for the heart and the loins of Asaf, as well as the once promising Gio/Kaylen pairing that will soon become hideously complicated.
Tonight begins with a celebration for the four beams they achieved and the festivities include smashing a pie into Tori’s face because that’s just what one does after the night sky fills with light because mere mortals ended up figuring out some of their perfect matches. Kaylen is not feeling the joy, though. She is getting weirded out by Gio’s friendliness with some of the other women, to say nothing of how much she hated his chant of “Get it!” when Camille walked up to lock in her vote earlier. Gio tries to diffuse the situation, but it looks like the bloom is falling off the rose but quick. To try to make things better, Gio leads her into The Boom Boom Room where things do not go as planned. Kaylen bursts into tears while they are having sex because she feels like he’s all about himself in the moment. Um, Kaylen? Sure, you might be overreacting, but there’s also a good chance that you’re not and if a flood of tears is your first reaction to sex with Gio, maybe get out now.
The next day, Asaf politely asks if he can eat lentils off of Tori’s ass and since she can already envision him walking out of her bathtub, she allows him to do it. In other awesome interpersonal connections, Gio reveals to Julia that his nickname for his d*ck is “The Hammer.” Finally, though, it’s time for a Challenge and this week the girls must answer questions about the personal hygiene – or lack thereof – of the guys in the house. This competition requires that the girls dive into something that Ryan keeps calling “toilet water,” and there’s an enormous part of me that believes this fluid legitimately came from a toilet or from another location that was cesspool-adjacent. What do we find out? Prosper eats his fingernails for protein, Stephen has sh*t his pants twice, and John – who is not explosive – waxes his back. The winners are Tori, Julia, and Emma. We haven’t heard much from Emma since she had a mini-breakdown on the first episode and I can only hope her silence since then has been due to the fact that she has been spending all of her time whispering positive affirmations to herself. I also hope that one day I will have my very own pony and that I will be crowned Princess of my own principality. My point? Not all hopes come true.
Emma announces that she wants to go on the Getaway Date with Stephen and we should all applaud her strength. Then we should all stop applauding immediately because she also announces that she would have selected John, but she doesn’t want him to be miserable because she’s making him sit beside her. Oh, Emma. Stephen wants Julia to be his date, but that decision is not up to her. No, Emma gets to choose for Julia and she hates Julia because, in Emma’s mind, Julia is the walking embodiment of all of the girls who have stolen the hearts of the boys she’s pined after throughout the poetic passage of the years. To f*ck with Julia, Emma chooses Morgan, a guy who currently makes no sense as a potential match. For Tori, Emma decides to be nice. She picks Asaf so that hopefully those two can wind up in the Truth Booth and finally find out if their mutual love of lentils means they are soulmates.
Later on, Kaylen confronts Gio about how he’s been pulling away from her and lets him know she will not abide by such a thing. The woman’s got a point! Last night, Gio declared that he would marry Kaylen and today he’s all but ignoring her and that sh*t makes no sense. He responds by telling her that he thinks they both need their space, words that destroy Kaylen even as she hopes that his behavior is just being caused by the anxiousness he feels about falling so deeply in love with her. I like Kaylen – and I hope she’s right about Gio and his fears. Still, somehow I feel like she’s giving this guy way more credit than he deserves.