There are just some things I’ve come to rely upon. I know, for instance, that somewhere around early August, I will find myself taking a wrong turn in CVS and I’ll wind up in the school supplies aisle and simply the sight of all of those binders and notebooks will cause me to throw myself to the ground and have a full-fledged emotional tantrum because I’ve just been confronted with visual evidence that summer will soon end and I’ll have to go back to work in September. Another thing I can rely upon? That the raging fury that used to smolder inside of me due to past pain will eventually fade to a numb form of nothingness because apparently I was born without the gene necessary to stay angry long-term. And I can also all but set my watch to the likelihood that my casual viewing of a reality show will eventually morph into something far more serious where I even grow to sort of care about the wellbeing of some of the show’s contestants.
Yes, I find myself almost worried about a few of the soulmate-seekers on Are You the One?, especially Kaylen and Tori. Sure, they both willingly went on this show and had to know what they were in for, but I think they’re probably good people and watching them get betrayed in close-up really kind of sucks. I feel worse for Kaylen. While I’ve never been a big fan of Gio, there’s something inherently awful about watching a guy profess that he will propose to someone and then turn around the next day and ask for some space. I just think Kaylen can do better than a guy who attempts to ghost her while they’re living under the same roof. As for Tori, I feel badly for her too, but my guess is that she’ll move on quickly. She seems tough. Besides, at this point it’s sort of legitimately impossible for her to see Asaf as anything but a total douche.
With my allegiance declared to these girls, we can go ahead and start this week’s episode with Gio wondering aloud if the grass is greener wherever Kaylen’s not sitting. Concerned for his own game – which includes landing Julia – Stephen warns him away from seeing what else is out there. Meanwhile, John is napping inside because he’s not at all explosive. While he slumbers, Tori gives him a rather excellent pedicure – the guy has nice feet! – and Morgan can’t help but notice how playful Tori is, especially after getting her heart smashed by a breakdancing buffoon. Luckily for him, Tori is starting to feel attracted to Morgan as well.
(By the way, John eventually wakes up from his nap and, seeing his makeover, he announces that they’re not in middle school and then he stalks away. “He’s such a drama queen,” one of the girls says while rolling her eyes. Look out, sweetheart.)
The next morning, Stephen – having realizing that he’d better up his game – takes it upon himself to set up a little date to woo Julia. The two eat breakfast on a terrace and they’re actually pretty cute together. I’m just gonna say it: I hope they’re a match and it’s not just because of my theory that once Julia is officially taken the rest of the guys will then look around and notice that there are other girls wandering around that house. Speaking of which, has anyone seen Emma?
It’s competition time! Ryan announces it’ll be the guys playing some game called Drunk On Love and that they all must engage in the race while wearing beer goggles that approximate total inebriation. As Alyssa makes her peace with the fact that Sam and his side ponytail will never ever win a challenge, the actual victors, Prosper and Gio, are crowned. Prosper is excited to bring Nicole along on a date while Gio seems markedly less excited to take Kaylen away on an excursion. All of it will eventually lead up to the group undoubtedly voting Kaylen and Gio into the Truth Booth so they can finally find out if this relationship is meant to be or if Gio should prepare a meal on a terrace for Julia tomorrow. In other words, no pressure.
Back at the house, Morgan has transformed into a kinky version of Hercule Poirot. He will investigate and unearth each and every fetish of every girl that lives in that house! He’s hoping Tori might be into some foot stuff because that’s oh so original, but I really shouldn’t judge; I’m happy to let a guy massage my feet. Life is hard when you’re always in heels! Anyway, Tori likes when he licks whipped cream off of the balls of her feet, so perhaps these two are a match after all. And since she feels like he could be her next daddy – which, dear lord, were her words – she happily slurps some whipped cream off of his chest. Following that display, Nicole licks Reddi Whip off of Propser and next thing you know, the two are full on making out in front of everyone. Not to be outdone, a very drunk-looking Cam straddles Victoria and then leads her outside where he slurs that not only is she hot, but she’s smart, too. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who burst out laughing when he told her that it’s not right that all the guys there are overlooking her brain.) That’s all Victoria needs to hear. She allows him lead her into the Boom Boom Room where he asks her to take off her shorts. And he knows she’ll figure out how to do it, too; she’s just that intelligent.
In the kitchen, Kaylen overhears Stephen tell Julia that Gio now thinks she’s his perfect match and now I’m hoping their date will occur nowhere near a cliff because there’s a strong chance that Kaylen could snap. (If I land on her jury, I’m giving her probation.) Cam might need to go over some cliff, too. He, sees Victoria the next day, doesn’t say a word to her, and walks out of the room while complaining about his massive hangover. Not willing to let her new love get away that easily, she sits him down and inquires as to whether he remembers what happened the night before and I cannot be the only one who thinks the guy is totally lying when he alleges not to recall a single second of calling the girl sitting before him a f*cking Rhodes Scholar, to say nothing of pretending that he also doesn’t remember hooking up with her. Somehow this all ends with Victoria blaming herself and wondering if the guy who is pretending to forget about rolling around with her thinks she’s “a fat, ugly bitch.” When did that little self-sabotaging thought process even take hold?