Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & Jordan’s Brother Luke Slips Up in an Interview

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We’re back tonight with the live video chat at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST via Crowdcast. Shortly after this post goes up, I’ll be posting the video feed for the live chat so you can begin to ask questions immediately. I think most of the kinks from last week are worked out. In reality, most of them are stuff the audience doesn’t really see. Just technical stuff on my end. With me being in Las Vegas next Thursday, there won’t be a show next week, so this will be the last live chat before JoJo’s finale airs, so get in tonight and we can talk about all of that goodness. The live chats will return on Thursday, August 4th, which will be a mini wrap up of the “Bachelorette” finale along with beginning to talk about “Bachelor in Paradise.” The live chats will continue every Thursday night through “Bachelor in Paradise” season outside of one Thursday in September where I’ll be out of town again. But I’m liking the Crowdcast format, a lot of little things it offers that you might not necessarily see, but certainly help me behind the scene when looking at analytics. So get on in tonight, ask whatever is on your mind about remaining few episodes of the “Bachelorette,” and I’ll see you tonight.

So Jordan Rodgers oldest brother Luke (you know, the one that’s not an outcast of the family), did an interview with the website Womanista and basically, well, spoiled the ending of the show (it happens around the 7:30 mark when he talks about catching JoJo up on movie quotes). It’s a minor slip of the tongue, but it spoke volumes. He tried to correct after the fact, but c’mon, too little too late Luke. That was just flat out dumb. We know EXACTLY what you’re saying. then again, you’ve known for 2 months who JoJo chose, but it’s always nice to get a little social media slip up to confirm things. Here’s a little tidbit passed on by a reader: Womanista is founded/run by Cassie Kelley– the wife of Charles Kelley (from Lady Antebellum) who sang a song on one of the dates this season. Hmmmmm, didn’t know that. Small world I tell ya’.

Anyway, we have 8 “Dr. Reality Steve” emails today, so thanks to everyone for making this week’s quota. I appreciate it. Here we go…

Good Morning Steve.

I don’t know if you’ll fit this in today, but I have something I want another person’s perspective on versus any advice.

I’m an attractive, intelligent middle-aged woman who’s been divorced for many years. I’ve had relationships throughout the years and have dated a lot, but made the decision about 8 years ago to take a break. At the time, I was dealing with breast cancer/mastectomy, taking care of my terminally mother and a son who was a little wild in his late teens/early 20’s. He has since calmed down, thank goodness! I was dating someone at the time and he ended it, but it wasn’t anything major. I had known him for years and while I had a good time going out with him, neither one of us was falling in any way. I’ve known him over 30 years and he remains a friend.

When I decided to take a break from dating I thought I would, maybe, give it a couple years. It’s now 8 years later and I have no desire to throw myself back out there. About 2 years ago I was in a bad car accident and have been dealing with surgeries and doctors, so my attention has been elsewhere. I’m also a workaholic and put in a 12 hour day most days. I’ve worked from home the past 5+ years, which is the best thing since sliced bread, but it brings out the workaholic in me even more.

My female married and unmarried friends understand completely. My male friends keep making comments like “I find it so sad you’re not dating” and other similar comments. Why do they have a problem with it if I’m happy with my life? I have quite a few good friends and have a pretty full life. I’m at peace and in a really good place and don’t see dating as mandatory.

Why do some people have a problem with my not dating? It reminds me of something my mom said while she was still alive. She told me she’d feel a lot better about leaving this earth if I was in a relationship.

I don’t get it. It’s my life and I’m good!

Thanks Steve!

Comment: You answered your own question. If you’re happy and content with the way things are going, don’t let their opinions bother you. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, don’t be. If you want to start dating, but not have anything serious, make that clear. People like to be judgmental towards single people all the time. I get it a lot too. It is what it is. That’s their opinion which they’re most certainly entitled to, but it doesn’t change the way how I’m going to live my life. Anytime they make a comment towards you, just say everything is great and you’re actually really happy the way things are now. There’s really nothing they can say in return.
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Dear Steve,

Two years ago, I graduated from college. At the time, I was coming off of an extremely tumultuous/unhealthy relationship that had clouded my judgment and led to some overall stupid behavior on my part. When I say this, I think back to the times when everyone and anyone around me must have been looking at me saying, “What is she thinking? Why would she put herself through this and put up with this crap?” Which in retrospect is totally 100% correct, and there’s no reason why I should have tolerated anything that I did. Hindsight is 20/20, but unfortunately I can’t change the past.

As a result of losing so much of myself in that relationship, I lost touch with everyone I went to college with. I mean that literally. Anyone I was friends with either stopped talking to me entirely, or when I would try to reach out, I just wouldn’t hear back or the response would be so cold that I just stopped trying. Because of this, I convinced myself that no one from my university wanted anything to do with me. In this social media age we live in, it was difficult logging online every day to see everyone I used to know getting on with their lives as though I never existed. It was extremely hurtful. So now, in addition to the ended relationship, I had zero friends. I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter accounts at that point, and decided to try to make a new life.

Here is where I’m at now: it is two years later, I am still not back on social media, and I have not made too many friends. I am a teacher, but have not made friends through work. I have a few friends I stay in touch with casually and one friend from high school, but beyond that, nothing really else. I’m grateful for my parents and for my health, but constantly feel my life is devoid of meaningful relationships, and I fear I won’t build a network of friends again. There is just something in me that tells me that post-college, most people don’t make a ton of new friends.

What is your advice for restructuring my life? Do you think it is weird for someone in their early to mid twenties not being on social media? Do you think new people that I meet will wonder why I don’t have more friends and why I have such a limited network? And do you think there is ever a point where I should attempt to reconnect with people from college, even though the response from them was so cold before?

Sincerely,
Wanting New Friends

Comment: Sorry you went through that. I’m guessing that those people that have left you probably think you’re a hot mess so they’d rather not deal. Even if you think you’ve changed, they only know you one way, so it’s not something in their minds they think changes overnight.

Do I think it’s weird for someone in early to mid twenties to not be on a social media? I don’t know if weird is the right word, but you’re certainly in the minority. There’s nothing wrong with being on it, but I see your trepidation. You feel that if you start one, you won’t have many friends or followers, so it looks bad. But you gotta start somewhere. I think you can sign back on, start adding people as friends, maybe send a quick email asking how they’ve been and kinda see where it goes. Since you haven’t been on social media, they haven’t been able to follow your life, so they have no idea what you’re up to now. So maybe if you go on there and you post stuff that’s complete opposite of the vision they had of you in college, they might come around. Not that you need social media validation to get friends, but I think right now, you don’t really have any, so there’s nothing wrong with trying to reconnect with some more people.

You’re still plenty young. You can easily start talking/meeting/dating people and getting yourself out there. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. But to start, I would go back on social media. I don’t see that being a problem at all. You can connect with people that way.
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Dear Steve

I feel that after last weeks e-mail you and your readers deserve a follow-up on my “story” (Too sad and confused). Because whenever I read some of your Dr. Reality Steve stories, I kind of wanna know if they actually took your advice.
I just wanted to thank you for your advice and everyone who wrote comments aimed for me. All of your responses were tough to read but they were real and honest and exactly what I needed and why I wrote you. Often, close friends don’t have the guts to tell you the truth but since the internet is such a wonderful place, where we all can be anonymous, we can say whatever we want.

So, last night my boyfriend and I broke up. I’m relieved because now I know what’s up but I think the reality of it all hasn’t sunk in yet. Honestly, even if he had changed his mind and wanted to be with me, it wouldn’t have been the same because in the back of my head I would’ve always thought back to this situation and I would’ve stopped trusting him which was one of the best parts of our relationship.

So, there you have it. Thank you again for your advice. I think now I need advice on how to be single again after a 4-year relationship.

single&not yet ready to mingle.

Comment: Congrats. Yeah, be prepared to have a few sleepless nights. Not saying this to be rude or anything, but a 4 year relationship ending the way yours did, of course it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna think about him a lot. You’re gonna wonder what he’s up to. It won’t be fun. But as I usually tell most people, right now you can’t see the forest through the trees. But day by day, it will get better and you’ll find yourself thinking about him less and less. I know it’s hard to see that now, but trust me, been there done that. Good luck.
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Hi Dr. Reality Steve,

I have a doozy for you. I’ve been holding on to this one for a while, wasn’t sure if I should email but I’m really at my wits end. I usually like your feedback so I thought I would give it a shot.

My sister has been dating a guy, “Adam” for almost 2 years. She’s in her late 20s and is working a good job. Everything else in her life is pretty good. Except this guy.

When my sister and Adam started dating, he didn’t really get along with my family. He wasn’t horrible but he wasn’t easy to get along with and was very defensive about everything in his life. In hindsight, it makes sense but at the time we just didn’t enjoy being in his company, but we love my sister so we tried our best to just accept him.

A few months later, we found ourselves in the middle of a dramatic “incident” related to his health that we had never known about. He had kept this health issue a secret from my sister which put both of their lives in danger. This incident had me and my family stressed beyond what’s healthy. I won’t get into the details, but it was basically a two-day long incident during which we had no idea whether my sister would be okay and we were completely helpless. After the incident ended, my sister was fine, but visited Adam in the hospital every day for a month and a half. She bought all of his favourite things for him, did everything in her power to make him happy. But meanwhile, she was completely neglecting the rest of her life and her family. He eventually recovered, but not after a very trying three months. My sister is so selfless and truly put her life on hold to take care of him.

So, fast forward to now, it’s been seven months and my family and I have been trying to convince my sister to break up with Adam. He not only kept something secret from her that was very important, but because of it he put her and her family through one of the most difficult times I think I will ever experience. Adam’s excuse for never telling her was that he “never thought it would affect him again”, despite knowing that he was still in recovery. This is also not a health issue that ever goes away permanently, it’s something you treat for the rest of your life, and that can be passed on to children through genetics. So in my opinion, he should have disclosed the health issue to someone he was in a serious relationship with. His own family was telling him to tell her about it, but he refused and would fight with his family and storm out of his house to avoid telling my sister. On this point alone, I think he deserves to be dumped. He had no consideration for my sister because of his selfish needs to protect himself, and as a result put her in danger. My family and I will never forgive him for it. My parents now hate him and refuse to let him near our home, they refuse to hear anything my sister has to say about him. I’ve seen him one or two times since the incident but each time he has done something confrontational to me that I did not appreciate, so I think I have given up on trying to accept him. I’m pretty sure if they announced they were getting married, my parents would skip the wedding. I don’t know if I could even be happy for her because I dislike their relationship so much.

The problem is, my sister is completely stuck. She has heard everything we have had to say and nothing seems to be convincing her that she needs to get rid of this guy. She tells us that she “knows” he’s not easy to get along with and that she “knows” there are red flags, but it has been 7 months and nothing has changed. She tells us to give her space and time to process and do things at her own pace..but again, nothing has changed. If anything, it has almost pushed her closer to Adam. She has now isolated herself from our family (despite living at home with us) by staying “late at work” almost every day (aka spending time with Adam) to avoid being “fake” around us. She takes days off from work at a time due to stress. When she is home she stays in her room with her door closed the entire time. She frequently stays up till 3 AM when she works at 9AM the next morning. There’s no hostility, it’s just that she doesn’t want to deal with her family when she knows all we want is for her to break up with Adam. I honestly think her life is just in a downward spiral, and all because of some dumb guy.

Like I said, we’ve tried everything to get through to her. My cousins, who used to be very close to her, are starting to notice this change in her as well. I feel like I’m losing one of my best friends and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve been debating having a sit-down talk with her again, but I don’t know if it would actually make her change anything or if she would feel that no one is on her side and that I just want her to dump Adam.

Would you suggest having another talk with her (I haven’t in maybe 3 months)? Should we bring in big guns and have someone professional reach out to her? Or should we just let her be and hope for the best – that she’ll break up with him on her own time…hopefully within the next decade?

Sincerely,

Super Stressed Sister

Comment: Wow. That sucks. I’m obviously curious as to what this health issue was, but I understand you not disclosing it. I’m on your side on this. The fact that even HIS family was telling him to tell your sister about this and he still refused, basically out of stubbornness, is pretty sh***y. Unfortunately, if your sister doesn’t see that, I don’t know if there’s much you can do for her at this point other than letting her figure it out for herself.

You’re thinking logically about this. So are your parents. He knowingly put your sister’s life in danger. Can’t get any more serious than that. And she still wants to be with him. That’s a tough one. I mean, you could try one of those interventions, but honestly, that’ll probably make her isolate you guys even more because she’ll feel ganged up on and she’ll run to him even quicker. This really is something that she’s gonna have to figure out on her own. Sounds like she’s still young and probably naïve, but for her sake, I hope she gets over him. All you can do is be there for her when the sh** hits the fan for her and she finally comes to her senses.

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10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. j1scarlett

    July 21, 2016 at 8:37 AM

    To the person who lost all their friends and is having trouble making new ones, theres this app called Bumble that has a BFF section to just make new friends. I’ve been using that and have made a few new great girlfriends in my area to hang out with and I love it. So maybe try that?

  2. wavecatchingmom

    July 21, 2016 at 12:52 PM

    I used meet up.com to meet new people in my area, I tried things that I was interested in. then you do need to get on social media, not to deal with people from your past, but to connect with people in your new life.
    Also Steve is really unsuspicious, because the reader with the Italian BF I immediately thought he’s got another gf at home, otherwise he’d talk about taking her there to meet his family. the fact that its not on the table is a big red flag. Same with the guy giving his ex wife 15,000?I would expect court ordered and that’s it. She must be blackmailing him 😉

  3. LM111

    July 21, 2016 at 2:09 PM

    Oh boy, RS kind of missed the boat in his response to “dating a weirdo”. As a woman, I totally get why this bothers you so much. I doubt that the men reading would understand, so I’ll try to explain it to them.

    Simply put – Men and women are wired differently. Think back to the caveman days. Men were driven to “spread their seed”. Women were driven to “look for security” (since woman go through pregnancy, it gives their offspring the best chance of survival).
    The difference being, men make no apologies for their constant drive to get laid. Women, on the other hand, are often judged harshly for wanting financial security (labeled “golddigger” etc. when the reality is, it’s an innate need that’s wired in).

    So… what does this have to do with our dear letter writer? Everything. Her boyfriend is going above and beyond to ensure the financial security of ANOTHER WOMAN when he should be doing that for HIS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND. What if our letter writer decided to fulfill her ex-boyfriend’s primal needs (sex)? I’m sure her current guy would be pissed, right?

    Now I can hear a lot of you saying: NO NO NO, that would be “cheating”!! Yes, it would. And I guarantee that our letter writer has feelings that are very close to the feeling of being “cheated on”. Human nature people.

    Starting now, if I were her, I would never pay for anything in this relationship again. Period.

    Would I end it? No, I wouldn’t.

  4. cjscjs711

    July 21, 2016 at 3:28 PM

    The in-laws gal – changing your phone number is really strange (and kinda passive aggressive). “Love you guys dearly but can’t help being reminded of my ex and it’s painful to me, so I need to branch out on my own now.” Something like that. Not to mention having to dispense your new # to everyone else who needs it.

    The sister with boyfriend you don’t love – fact is if she’s an adult you really have no business trying to manipulate and control her life. What moron doesn’t know risking their own health is bad for them? She knows; her love over-rides. IF her choice is interfering with your life, then you have business to interfere. Living in your family home? You don’t like his company, you have every reason to say he can’t come over to your house. These things usually don’t go very well. Especially once there are children involved they may choose the intimate partner over family. You may try seeing her apart from him, but that also doesn’t pan out so well.

    The $15,000/month guy – Steve must be kidding….. Way too strange. IF this is true, and not something like there is some other person involved to whom he gives the $5,000; too ridiculous. If the grandkids might want something, they can do what normal families do and ask when the need comes up for what amount the need is. The other kids are not kids any more. Red flag here. If he genuinely is for peculiar reasons giving his ex $5,000/month more than he needs to, I agree with LM111 – never pay again. Just say, “If you’re got an extra $5,000, why am I scrimping and saving to pay for things?” Exactly – why is he putting extra resources into a relationship that is OVER instead of building the current one?

    Italian guy – If you two work weekdays, weekends are the prime time to build memories and a relationship. Question how serious he is about building a strong relationship with you – he does not want to give you prime time. If he MUST see his family, without you – would they assume too much like marriage – he can do that in a day. 3.5 hours = 7 hrs = perfectly doable in a day. Two months is long enough to bring even a casual girlfriend home to visit family since he does that all the time. Wonder if he has two and you are the weekday girl for him. Could be. Ask why he doesn’t invite you with him. Suggest, not to be accusatory.

  5. jessica1

    July 21, 2016 at 11:23 PM

    Super Stressed Sister – That sucks and I empathize. My dear friend was dating an asshat for years; it was so clear he wasn’t fully “there” and every time she said he was ‘such a good man’ I’d grit my teeth.

    Realize there might be an underlying reason she hasn’t shared (or doesn’t understand herself) because she KNOWS the judgment she’ll get from her family. Ask yourself this; if she were finally ready to talk about her relationship, would you want her to come to you or would you want her to avoid you? The only way she’ll talk to you is if you make her feel safe.

    My humble suggestion is that you look her in the eye and say “I’ve been pretty vocal, I’m sorry if it was rude, you know I love you dearly, if you ever want to talk there will be no judgement and I’ll always want the best for you. Which means if someone hurts you, I’ll kick their ass. I trust you to keep safe but I’m always here for you.”

    And then you have to stop the when-will-you-dump-him chatter. Because if you (and your family) make yourselves MORE annoying and tedious than even he is … well guess which path she’ll pick?

    This is of course assuming he doesn’t turn out to be a crackhead, at which point, I’d abduct her! 😉

  6. justa_viewer

    July 22, 2016 at 8:13 AM

    >>If you were a female would you stop dating someone who gave their ex spouse who they NEVER talk to an additional $5,000 EVERY MONTH?

    I am a female, and YES, I would. Possibly. After a conversation.

    First, you say you’ve been “dating” for a FEW YEARS? You mentioned “courtship”. Where’s the ring and the commitment after all this time? You did not say anything about his affirming the depth of his feeling for you, etc. Anyway, if your relationship is not already “committed” by now (it did not sound like it from your email), I think that is not a good sign.

    The $5000 – I’m not sure why he told you he was providing this to his ex. Whatever, his excuses for doing so are lame and yes, that’s a red flag. I mean, unless they live in Beverly Hills maybe, you’d think $120,000 a year–especially with the kids grown and presumably out of the house–would be sufficient to live on, even if the ex is not working. There’s something about the $5K he’s not telling you. Now it’s possible that his ex is unstable or threatening or has a grave medical issue and the extra $5k is in some way being used to help keep her “leveled out” or “at bay” or in good health, who knows? But it could also be that your guy believes that if he told you the real reason, it would make him look bad in your eyes. Or at the very least cause an ongoing argument between you two, if you felt his reason was silly and unwarranted.

    BTW, I think if you think they NEVER talk (your caps), that’s a little naive. Maybe I’m wrong. But they have kids together, how can they never talk? I don’t quite buy that. Maybe they don’t have lengthy conversations about life and the universe, but I imagine there is at least some limited communication.

    Personally, if you guys are just still “dating” at this point, and there’s no commitment nailed down, I think you need to lay your cards on the table. “I want a commitment, not just ‘dating’.” If he hems and haws at that, you know where you stand and should ditch the relationship. (And in that circumstance, it makes sense that he feels under no obligation to share with you why he really gives his ex extra money. It’s none of your business.)

    But if he says yes, he wants to be in a committed relationship with you, then I think you need to have another little conversation at some point: “I love you but I feel like you are not being honest with me about the real reason you are sending your ex the additional money. It troubles me because I want us to be honest with each other.” Then ask him what the real reason is and let him know you’ll try to listen with an open mind. Obviously, it’s going to eat at you if you don’t. But if it turns out that his real reason (and I think there is one) is still something you disagree with, you may just have to accept it if you want to be with this guy.

    Just my 2 cents.

  7. rob22

    July 22, 2016 at 12:02 PM

    Regarding the “Italian Guy”: RS is Italian & also a 40 year old single guy. So, when he says it’s cultural & implies that it should be somewhat understood, consider his relationship status.

    And sure, it is cultural in some ways, but many people want to have close relationships with their families. That doesn’t mean they exclude their significant other from those relationships and frequently bail on the small amount of available time for the couple’s relationship.

    Bottom line: He is giving you 4-6 Days a month of his time and is doing so during the early part of the relationship when people are typically infatuated (when they are REALLY interested) and wanting to spend (perhaps) as much time with their girlfriend, as possible. So, the big issue is that he’s not a 22 year old immature kid, though immaturity could play into it somewhat. He’s basically telling you that 10-15% of his time each month is about all he’s willing to give you. He seems to enjoy that 10-15% of the time, which is what confuses you. But, he’s told you where you rank in his priorities. Frankly, you rate pretty low. If that’s OK with you, cool. Have fun. But I have no idea why you’d put up with this.

    I’d suggest that, rather than looking at this is an allocation of time issue where you confront him & demand more time, you look at his time investment as a barometer of his overall (rather middling) interest in you. Make decisions accordingly.

  8. sochi

    July 22, 2016 at 8:36 PM

    Single/Too Sad,
    Hey, I appreciate the update; I was hoping to hear how things worked out for you. Being single after a relationship as significant as that one for the first is very difficult (as you are likely aware)… Your mind is like index cards, filled with memories and associations with him, and they shuffle around constantly, giving you a new memory (or repeated ones) to endure. But eventually, those index cards start getting filled with other things, new people and experiences. The ones with him don’t get shuffled in as often, and eventually coming across them doesn’t hurt much at all.
    Until then, do things that make you love yourself… pursue your interests, travel, whatever you find most attractive in yourself, keep grooming those great qualities. You’ll soon not mind being single. Find beauty in moments of vulnerability (you’re a human, and a person you love and trusted hurt you… when “future you” looks back, will you see jealousy and spite? or someone who overcame that pain with dignity?). And while I think the best thing you can do for yourself is find happiness from within, don’t be afraid to lean on your friends!
    I have to say, after the most hurtful break-up I’ve ever had (it took about 7 months to truly get over it), I had become a better friend to others than ever before in my life. I realized the love they had for me, and the beauty they saw in me… and I valued them so much for their roles in my life. I would make much more effort to spend time with friends. I’d listen to them more and care about their problems, as they cared for mine. I still reap the benefits of putting as much love and care into my friends as they did when I needed them. My relationships have become much more meaningful.
    Be well in this new chapter of your life. I wish the best for you!

  9. JuliaG

    July 22, 2016 at 11:38 PM

    RE Dating a Weirdo: The ex-wife likely devoted at least 20 years to the marriage (the children are grown and there are grandchildren). Her work may have been partly or completely taking care of her kids. So while the man was building a career she was taking care of kids. In community property states this is partially compensated by the property and the earning partners pension being shared. But the ex likely expected to be with this man for the rest of her life, and thought that she was building a life with him. He sounds like he is quite affluent and can easily afford to spend the extra 60k a year for her. He is paying her 180 a year, which seems like a lot, but if he is making 500k a year, it’s not unaffordable for him. I am not sure, but perhaps he is making even more than this, and should be giving the ex even more money. What I do know is that he while he may love his current love, he still feels obligated to the mother of his children. He still feels that he owes her quite a lot for all the work and time she put into raising their kids. If she had been paid for that and had a pension for it, it would likely have cost him a lot more than what he is paying her now. Net of taxes he is paying her more like 140k a year, which is not a lot of money in many parts of this country.

    I wouldn’t begrudge her this unless you feel like you or your love is strapped for cash. But frankly, I don’t think that your relationship is committed enough for you to start controlling his spending.

    You are only treating 10% of the time, which sounds like you are getting quite a good deal. You have a successful career and have not spent 20+ taking care of his kids. It’s not about love, it’s about honor.

    A man who sleeps around is called a hound dog. I’d rather be a gold digger.

  10. jovifan

    July 23, 2016 at 7:25 PM

    In both cases, my thoughts were the same as yours…LOL! However after thinking a little more, there could be a number of reasons. I hope this doesn’t come across as being rude…really not my intention.

    Maybe…

    … He wants his ex back and thinks he can buy her love.
    … He wanted to keep the mansion they lived in and the $5,000.00 per month is his way of repaying her for her share of the mansion.
    … She purchased a new home after the divorce and as part of the divorce decree, the judge ruled he had to pay her mortgage.

    That’s just a few that came to mind. Either way, I have to agree with Steve…until he marries the original poster, it’s really none of her business.

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