I understand completely why there is so much emotional turmoil currently going down on Are You the One? See, everything feels heightened because the entire process has been designed to make it feel that way. Twenty people are stuck in a house that’s located on an island – because subtle this show is not – where there are no books to read or movies to watch to take your mind off the fact that you have been sequestered in a place that’s laden down with a ton of alcohol, a Boom Boom Room, and you’ve been promised that someone wandering around that house alongside you has been determined by experts to be your definite soulmate. Sh*t’s bound to get tense.
I do have a few questions, though, and they concern the Boom Boom Room:
1. Do the sheets on that bed get changed and can I please see footage of such a thing happening so I can finally put my mind to rest?
2. Did the producer who named the Boom Boom Room get a well-deserved raise and does he or she freelance? Because I’d love for that person to come over and name all of the rooms in my house.
3. Can every human being on the planet who has a vagina please hold up her right hand immediately and pledge an iron-clad oath that none of us will ever frolic inside of any kind of Boom Boom Room with Gio from here on out? Let’s call this our way of doing something beneficial for society.
Last week, Gio – who will be celibate forever if we women band together and do our part – officially cut Kaylen loose and he’s now all about making a connection with Julia because I guess it’s his turn to become enamored with her. But before he can try to swipe her from Stephen, the entire group gets together in the living room for a meeting about how pathetic it is that they still only have four beams of light and no real idea about who the correctly matched couples are. Tori, however, is absolutely positive that Alyssa and Sam are a match and she wants them to win a Challenge and go into the Truth Booth so her theory can be proven. Meanwhile, Victoria is led outside by the guy who continues to maintain that he cannot remember a single second of the time they spent straddling one another in the Boom Boom Room. Her heart appears to be breaking, but Cam revives it by telling her that he’s just socially awkward and that she’s too pretty to ever keep an emotion on her face besides happiness, which is really kind of a socially awkward thing to say, but at least he’s trying.
The next day is a Challenge and this one involves the mothers of the male contestants, so anyone who has been dying to see who birthed some of these people must be filled with f*cking glee at the moment. Two girls face off against one another to figure out which guy’s mother said certain things about him and we quickly learn that Sam sucked his thumb until he was five and liked to stick his other hand down his pants while he did it. Other essential nuggets of information we get include that Asaf weeps upon seeing his mother, Cam had an imaginary friend who never helped him overcome his social awkwardness, Tyler is terrified of ghosts, and John eats chocolate until he vomits, which is always an interesting way to conclude the dessert course of a meal. Seeing his mother also causes John to break down. Seems he hasn’t seen her in a very long time and his emotional and vulnerable reaction makes Emma even more drawn to him despite all of the many times he’s shown her absolutely no interest whatsoever. I think there may be a sobbing trainwreck coming down the track, my friends, because there’s just no reasoning with a twenty-something year old who smiles when she realizes that the guy she has a crush on is really just a little boy.
The smartest person in the house appears to be Tori. She’d love to go on a Getaway Date, but it’s more important to her that Alyssa win their round so she can get into that Truth Booth with Sam. Tori doesn’t even touch the buzzer. She just stands back, allows Alyssa to answer the question, and Alyssa ends up winning, which means she and Sam will be going on a date alongside Emma and John and right now the cameramen are probably drawing straws to see who gets to spend an idyllic afternoon with Sam and Alyssa and who gets to trudge along while John once again informs Emma that she’s just not his type while they zipline through a jungle.
Back at the house, Gio corners Julia while she’s in a swing that makes it tough for her to stand up and run away. Julia’s response to Gio’s declaration that he thinks she’s his match is to roll her eyes grandly and then inform him that he doesn’t even know her. She wants to know why he feels this way – and his comforting response is that the why doesn’t matter. Julia doesn’t fall for what I’m just gonna go ahead and call Gio’s flawed game and Stephen is ready to knock the guy out because he already peed around the swing Julia’s currently on and that means she’s his forever. Meanwhile, Asaf is the center of attention inside the house and his impersonation of a fortune teller is the very thing that apparently gets Camille excited. Besides, she hasn’t been kissed or felt up in two whole weeks and she’s starting to feel a little bit desperate so she takes Asaf aside and tells him that she wants to kiss him a hundred times, to which he pushes her out of the bed and implores her not to fall in love with him. Then he changes his mind and crawls into bed beside her because it’s been almost a whole hour since he’s been kissed or felt up and he needs to put an end to that horrible void.
Speaking of things that are f*cking horrible, Gio is a very sexual person and since Julia laughed off his advances, he needs to feel some intimacy with someone – and he needs to feel it right now. He notices that Francesca looks particularly vulnerable, so he takes her outside, pulls her on top of him and then grabs her neck and pulls her in for a kiss in what is the single most frightening moment I’ve seen on television in a long time – and I watched Donald Trump’s entire speech at the convention.
Also: Gio’s not about foreplay.
Also? I haven’t felt this nauseated in eons.
The next morning, Kaylen walks into the living room, sees Gio and Francesca tangled together on the couch, and her calm reaction further reinforces how much I like her and am rooting for her happiness. In other news, the Getaway Date begins and the ziplining looks amazing. In fact, repelling through the jungle is so much fun that Emma has lost the blank look John says is her constant expression and now he sees a bright smile and a smidgen of a personality! Sitting beside one another, John explains that Julia is fun because “she’s got a nice ass and big t*ts” – which means I’m a f*cking hell of a good time, so that’s comforting – but this new Emma sitting there is also great and maybe she is his match. “I knew it!” crows Emma, and I really want to be happy for her, but something tells me her tear-soaked journey is not over quite yet. On the other side of the waterfall, Sam and Alyssa discuss how soft her lips are and how smitten the two of them are and I hope they end up being proven matches because otherwise she might be stuck with Gio and that doesn’t seem fair to anyone.
Ryan gathers the group together because it’s time for Sam and Alyssa to find out if they are indeed meant to be. They enter the Truth Booth and hold one another tightly while the lasers that probably do nothing integral in the process wash over their bodies and the result is that they are a match! They kiss and hug and everybody celebrates both their love and the fact that they’re all now closer to a million dollars.