Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & An Update on JoJo’s Relationship Status

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Up and posting early today because I have an early flight to Vegas. We’ve had one last second cancellation as of last night. So if you are close to Vegas, and you want to come to the party and can somehow get there by tomorrow night, contact me ASAP and I’ll put you on the confirmed list. Probably a long shot, but I had two spots open up last night so figured I’d extend the invite. For those that aren’t coming that want to follow along with the 2nd Annual Reality Steve Trivia Contest, find me on Periscope (@RealitySteve), as I will be broadcasting the contest live tomorrow night roughly around 9 or 9:15pm PST. So east coasters, sorry. But hey, don’t people not start going out in NY until like midnight anyway? Whatever the case, anyone can join in who wants to follow along. Sorry, no prizes for you though. Only those in attendance will have a chance. Last year it was $100 restaurant gift card at Mandalay Bay for 1st place, and $50 for 2nd place. Might change it up this year. Haven’t decided yet. Regardless, the top two finishers will get mentioned in next weeks column, and I will also post all the questions for those who don’t watch on Periscope Friday night.

We’re days away from the finale, and thank God for that. US Weekly can throw all the misdirection they want at you, but it doesn’t change what I reported back on May 19th. JoJo got engaged to Jordan. Are they still together now? Well, that’s the million dollar question. There’s been a lot of chatter surrounding these two for the last month. I will say this: If come Monday these two tell us on the ATFR they’re no longer together, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. And if they are together, I think they might just be telling us that to protect their pride. There’s just too many things I’ve heard over the past 3-4 weeks or so that suggest not everything is perfect in their world and they are ignoring all the haters. Whatever the case may be though, this doesn’t change what happened in Thailand. Nor does that leave the door open for any of the other guys. She’s not running back to Chase, or Luke, or Robby either. We’ll get our answer on Monday, but even a declaration of “Oh, we’re great. We don’t pay attention to the rumors and stuff,” I’d take with a grain of salt because, well, I don’t think that’s the case.

I know I told you yesterday that this is commonplace. I hear stuff like this every season about the final couple while the show is airing, and it never ends up being true. But this has been coming too loud and too often to ignore. I trust these sources who have told me this. Put it this way, I’ve had way more people tell they aren’t together anymore than ones that said they are. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is saying everything is great, they’re in love, and things are working out perfectly. Everyone I’ve spoken to is skeptical of the whole thing. And lets just say some of these people are pretty close to the situation. This shouldn’t surprise anyone because, well, this is the same song I’ve been preaching to you since April. So lets see what they present to us on Monday. Anything along the lines of, “We’re great, things couldn’t be better” I will call B.S. on. To me, there’s just too many signs I’ve been given pointing to it being over, and the sources who have told me things don’t have anything to gain by telling me they’re broken up. Sorry to leave you in such suspense for the weekend, but I’m just telling you what I’ve been hearing. So just know that heading in to Monday night. It doesn’t look good for these two.

With that, enjoy your “Dr. Reality Steve” emails…
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Hi Steve. I love your column and I have been reading for years. My story is true, and I wanted to ask for some advice, althought it might seem out there, althought with the craziness of the Bachelor series, my story might not seem so crazy.

I met my husband 13 years ago. We dated for a 1 year and then got engaged. I always wanted to wait until I got married to lose my virginity. We waited until our wedding night, but right before our wedding, my husband had a problem in a male area (trying to keep it professional and clean) and had to have surgery. After this, he was unable to maintain an erection at all. Since the surgery, we have never had sex. We have tried, but he physically can’t maintain an erection and is incapable of sleeping with me at all. I have been married for 11 years and I am still a virgin.

We turned to fertility to have children. I lied to everyone I knew saying we had fertility issues, but in reality there was no way we would ever be able to conceive with sex. I ended up having twins, and they are the lights of our lives.

Now, most people would think it’s unbelievable that I am a virgin at 35, married for 11 years and have twins, but honestly, it’s just what’s normal to me.

Our emotional intimacy is amazing. We communicate well, talk about everything, back each other up, parent together, and we get along really well. He’s sweet and does a lot for me like all the housework and he works hard. He’s a wonderful husband and father, but the problem is our romance is basically dead and we barely ever make out.

I have to always initiate sexual contact, and it usually involves him touching me with his finger, giving me an organism like once every two months, if that. He never initiates it, and it’s really starting to bug me. It always has. He never kisses me, hugs me, cuddles with me, holds hands with me or touches me. He will kiss me on the head at night or give me a hug, but only if I ask for it. He never wants me to touch him after he gives me an orgasm. Oral sex is out of the question.

I’ll be honest, I’m tired of the lack of physical intimacy and I have been forever, but he’s such a good person, I stay with him. Do you think I’m crazy to stay with someone who refuses to give me any physical touch? I have been trying to deal with it by going to the spa and getting regular massages, facials, and pedicures. I usually go on a weekly basis or more. This may seem weird, but it gives me the sense of touch that he doesn’t give me.

He works hard at his job, is an amazing father and husband, cooks and cleans, and really deep down does love and care for me, but I don’t ever seen myself leaving. However, the lack of physical intimacy has just become acceptable to me and I don’t even consider it part of our marriage anymore.

Do you think it’s only to be in my middle 30’s and be okay with no physical contact? I feel abnormal because all my friends have great sex lives, or so they claim. Should I stay with him and just keep going because i am happy honestly. I’m happy with my marriage. I love him very much and don’t want to leave him. My life is very content, but he is older than me by 11 years.

What’s your take on this?

Thanks, Virgin at 35

Comment: I think you are really missing out never having had sex at 35 and you HAVE a husband. Yes, it’s bizarre. Totally bizarre.

But like you said, it’s your normal. And by the looks of it, you sound like you’re happy. Isn’t that what matters most? You answered your own question. You love him and said you don’t want to leave him. As great as sex is and as much as you’re missing out, leaving your husband because of that would be idiotic. You’re in a good spot, there are WAY worse marriages than yours.

I’m still shaking my head at this. Like, I can’t believe this is possible. But hey, you’re happy, so obviously you can get by. Maybe your friends are having great sex lives, but doesn’t necessarily mean they are happier.
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Hi steve,

I hope I’m not too late to get some advice. I’ve been wanting to email you for a while now but didn’t think I needed advice and can handle the situation. Until something happened recently…

So, I had two best friends in high school. Both were my bridesmaids in my wedding and we were like a trio. One I grew apart from and one I still keep in touch with. It’s all a little complicated what happened and why I grew apart from them. Let’s just say it had to do with boys and putting boyfriends over friendships over the years. Well, the one I keep in contact with is getting married in a few months. She had a wedding shower a few days ago and didn’t invite me! Sad part is I think the other former bff is her bridesmaid. She invited a bunch of girls to her shower that were from high school and I didn’t get an invite at all. It sucks and I’m really hurt. I do live a days drive away and have young kids. Should I say something to her or just let it go, go to wedding and be cordial even though I’m super hurt not being in her wedding party and getting invited to her shower? Also, we might be living in the same town eventually again and I hate to harbor these ill feelings. I also don’t want to cause drama before her wedding since I’ve been in her shoes wedding planning. Help.

Comment: I’d get over it. A wedding shower? Really? Don’t sweat it. Plus, the next month or so is about her life, not yours. I’d say once that’s over, and if you are living in the same area as her, maybe you can ask her what happened. But not in an attacking way. Maybe you could even make a joke about it. I think you’re probably more confused than hurt, to be honest. You thought you were close, and she didn’t invite you to be in the wedding party. But at least you got invited to the wedding. So that’s a positive. There could be a myriad of reasons why she didn’t invite you. I wouldn’t let it bother you too much.
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Dear Steve,

I am writing you to get advice on an issue regarding both reality television and my relationship. Over the last ten years, I have become a huge reality tv fan – including shows such as bachelor(ette)/BIP, every real housewives city, everything else bravo (southern charm, pump rules, flipping out, shahs, MDL, top chef), E! (Keeping up, WAGS, and rich kids), and MTV programming (the challenge and AYTO). And when I watch unREAL, I am constantly reminded that my ultimate dream job would be a production assistant on a reality tv show. Anyhoo, now that you understand my affinity for reality television I will delve into the real issue here.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for nearly a year, and things couldn’t be going better. We both share a love for critically acclaimed scripted television shows such as GoT, Mr. Robot, and the Americans to name a few. However, he can’t stand reality television. And his “can’t stand” reaction is a generous portrayal. One of the few times I’ve ever exposed him to reality TV (mind you he was busy setting up his fantasy golf team on his laptop) he became irate. Side note: it was a clip from the real housewives of NY looking at potential apts in the $15,000 a month range.

I worry that because we will soon be living in the same apt complex, my reality tv schedule will come at odds with our relationship. I wish he would give it a chance. We even have several good male friends that rave about the bachelor(ette), vanderpump rules, etc. He still refuses to be in the presence of any reality television.

Going forward, what would your advice be? To abandon one of my greatest passions each night or try and get him to come on board? And if I were to try and get him to enjoy reality tv, what would be your approach?

Thank you

Comment: People have different tastes in TV. Understandable. I don’t think you’ll find any two people who both like the same exact shows. All of them. Of course women will like shows their man doesn’t and vice versa.

However, for him to be so rude about it is a huge turn off. Like, why? Why is it affecting him that much? I know plenty of couples who watch their own shows in separate rooms. That’s fine he doesn’t like reality TV, but it sounds like he’s almost insulting you FOR liking it, and that’s just wrong. I mean, I’ve kinda dealt with it myself in the past. You don’t have to like the shows I watch (some work related, and some not), and you don’t have to like sports either. But you need to respect the fact that I do. Yeah, I think the Kardashians are crap. But if someone I was dating liked watching it, I’m fine with it. I wouldn’t watch along weekly, but I wouldn’t chastise her for it. Now, if she’s binge watching hours upon hours upon hours every night of trashy TV, and it cut into our time together, then yeah, I’d say something. But I’ve never gotten to that point with anyone.

I would tell him that you don’t make fun of his shows that he watches which you don’t (I’m sure there are some), so he shouldn’t make fun of yours. Again, not in an attacking way or anything, but just throw it out there and see what he says.

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8 Comments

8 Comments

  1. xnuzboss

    July 28, 2016 at 5:57 AM

    Dear Miffed,

    So sorry you’ve been through that, but it’s helpful to remember that you are THROUGH that. Trauma is a tricky little mofo. You must grieve, and that takes time, so the first thing I’d say is to let yourself grieve. By withholding truth among those who care about you, you move the abuse from your abuser to yourself, and that, too, isn’t healthy. To let it go, you need to be truthful, so I’d suggest you and your mom plan an event of some sort. Finally, I’d say your best friend’s behavior is driven by anger that you didn’t trust her enough to let her know what was going on at the time of the abuse. I agree with Steve that this is her problem, and you’re probably best to let it lie for awhile. I believe she’ll figure it out. For you, however, it’s always useful to understand that nobody’s perfect, and that’s especially helpful in considering those close to you. Keep your expectations in check.

    Terry

  2. bachfanamber

    July 28, 2016 at 6:40 AM

    Virgin at 35- my heart goes out to you…physical intimacy is very important and for the sake of your relationship, you need to address this with your husband. It sounds like he is working doubly hard in all other areas to make up for this issue, which is amazing but there needs to be SOME physical intimacy that both of you can be happy with. I can only imagine it’s easier for him to avoid it all together than to be disappointed and reminded again and again of his perceived failure…if you think this issue is too much to resolve on your own I suggest a therapist who can give you ideas of workarounds that you can both be happy with. Best of luck…sounds like a relationship worth fighting for! ps if most woman had to choose between a great partner and great sex, a great partner wins hands down…but no excuse for not cuddling at least! And there are MANY women who do not orgasm through sex (penetration)…maybe see a sex therapist on your own, you might find the reality and perceived reality very eye opening!?

  3. shouldbeworking

    July 28, 2016 at 6:49 AM

    What update? Telling us nothing is not an update.

  4. rollingeyes

    July 28, 2016 at 10:07 AM

    To 35 year old Virgin – You really should seek couple’s therapy. You have to be able to tell him what you are missing physically. There are ways of having physical intimacy without intercourse, and it can be enjoyable for you both. You need to focus on the fact that other than the physical intimacy, you have a great relationship. But please let him know how important the physical is too. Do NOT every give him the idea that you would seek it else-where. He probably already feels like crap about it and doesn’t need that in the back of his mind. But if he knew how important it was to you, and if a therapist could help you with ideas to develop other ways of being physically intimate, perhaps he would be more willing. Good luck. I envy that you have a great relationship.

  5. tbta4

    July 28, 2016 at 10:17 AM

    To the 35 year old virgin,

    Rolling Eyes has great advice, take it.

    Miffed in Michigan,

    Sometimes when people find out about a terrible thing another person has been through, they shut you out because they think you are damaged. If you watch Unreal, that is the line Rachel’s mother has been selling her. However, unfortunately, this can be true in real life at times. Over 30 years ago, when I was a young woman, I made the mistake of telling a woman who I thought was a close friend that I had been treated for depression, was grateful for the help of a therapist and had come out the other side doing fine. She never spoke to me again and shunned me at events we were both at. I WAS SO HURT, especially because I just moved 1,500 miles away from my family and friends to marry the man of my dreams and thought she was going to be a wonderful friend to me in my new location.

    However things turn out between you, don’t blame yourself. She is the one who is being sensitive and a bitch. Your hard times are yours and they are past you. Be proud that you escaped and are on your way to healing. If she doesn’t go back to being a friend again, you aren’t losing anyone special as she has proved that she won’t be there for you when you need a friend.

    Be well.

  6. roon

    July 29, 2016 at 5:29 AM

    I don’t see why anyone has to know about the abuse you went through. Why must you share if you don’t want to? Don’t force yourself to do anything you don’t feel ready for.

    Your friend sounds like an abuser as well. Drop her like it’s hot. There are better, kinder people in this world. Seek them out.

    It just happened, your memories are fresh. I promise you that with time this horrible time in your life will fade but only if you choose to let it fade. Be strong, you are not a victim, you are a strong, capable woman who deserves the best.

  7. cjscjs711

    July 29, 2016 at 11:05 AM

    The Virgin – If you are happy, it makes no difference whether anyone else thinks you should not be or should be more happy. What comes through more is whether you have really open communication with your husband about it. How does HE feel about this? Is it just you, or females in general, or humans in general with whom he doesn’t care to get physical? If, for example, he’s actually a closet homosexual regarding contact; that is a serious problem because he is missing half of life, in addition to you. On the other hand, there are many people whose partner becomes incapable of sex, paralyzed, etc. who can’t have sex and stay because they have a deep love. So I do not feel it’s bizarre.

    To Miffed, I am puzzled why you feel a need to open your past up to many others. What is your expectation from them? You say “empathy,” but telling people you stayed with an abusive partner, no marriage, no children – a lot are not going to understand, not going to empathize because they’d have left. Many people have been in that position before and they left immediately. No regrets.

    In addition, when friends have a story revealed to them, there’s a feeling the person wants their advice. Here, especially since you still seem under the influence and not over it. If you were over it you would not feel the drive to tell others to listen. You are not a Convention speaker bringing public awareness and requesting social service resources to deal with a public health issue. It is not easy at all for people to hear about this and especially since the relationship is over, there’s not a whole lot they can tell you to do about it since you already did what they’d have advised you to do. Including see a therapist. You MUST tell friends if there is any chance the abuser will be able to find you, follow you; harm you; lives hear you.

    You are best off venting to a VERY tried and trusted friend or parent who will not feel put upon or dumped upon when told this upsetting, possibly graphic, story. Certainly, a therapist.

    Has this “friend” now gone around telling anyone who will listen what you went through, coloring it as she sees it (obviously not sympathetically), trashing you emotionally AGAIN, in another way? This is one big reason why people pay to see a therapist with their problems. Therapists not only have heard it many times before, know from experience what works and what doesn’t, they are paid to keep confidentiality. And you get to vent with no repercussions to follow you in your life.

    Hard to read this “friend’s” mind. Did she feel slighted? Did she feel dumped upon? Is she jealous of you and your accomplishments? Or did your story trigger her own sadistic or bullying tendencies? Perhaps clearing the air that you don’t need anything from her and you’re well on your road to recovery, not to happen again will help. If she’s a bully, waiting will only give her more time to run around trashing you – we see this on the public stage. On the world stage from dictators. Bullies will keep on until you stand up to them.

  8. LM111

    July 29, 2016 at 2:39 PM

    Re: virgin at 35
    There’s a reason they say “good sex is 30% of a relationship, and bad sex is 70% of a relationship”. Bad sex consumes so much of the relationship because it involves awkward conversations, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, resentments, and just not feeling as connected to your partner.
    All that said – I’m a romantic and since you say you love this man, I wouldn’t advise you to leave him . At least, not yet. BUT – I need to point out that with all his good behavior (like cleaning, cooking, being a good dad) he is still a VERY selfish person. Period. That’s never good. I assume that you’ve talked to him about your need for affection (all humans have this need, btw) and he hasn’t done anything about it. Why? Shouldn’t he care about making you happy? Cuddling with you costs him nothing and it would make you feel loved, so why isn’t he doing it?! That the big problem. Him not taking your needs into consideration and his inability (unwillingness) to put another person’s needs above his own (side note – I also think he should be giving you oral since intercourse is out of the question, but again, he’s too selfish to offer that).
    On the flip side of this – I can’t tell you how many women I know that only have sex with their husbands out of obligation, they’re so over it, but they do it (on the rare occasion) to appease him. So, the grass isn’t always greener.
    In your case however, therapy is probably the best solution (though he is going to HATE what the therapist has to say, be prepared!). It’s also possible that he’s gay, wanted children, and decided to get married because he wanted a tradition family (even if his sexual preferences lie elsewhere). It’s unfair, but it happens more often than you’d think.
    I’m hoping things work out for you! Good luck and keep us posted.

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