In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth – and then He created Julia. He adorned her with lustrous hair the color of a raven and blessed her with a rack so impressive that men had no choice but to gather by her side and offer to build her fires so she could stay warm. And as those men trudged through the wilderness looking for dry kindling, Julia would sit back and smile because she knew that she didn’t even have to say a single word to keep the flawed members of the male species enthralled. In fact, it would be her relative silence that most effectively wooed these men because it allowed them to project whatever it was they all really wanted unto her while she only needed to grin or giggle now and then to maintain their total devotion.
Now, I don’t have a problem with Julia the way I do with someone like Gio who appears to hurt people for sport while spouting soliloquies about his alpha male greatness. Still, it’s somewhat hard to figure out why half the guys in the house have been transfixed by someone who barely says a f*cking thing. Could she be chatty as can be and the editors just haven’t shown us her mind-blowing personality? Sure. Might she also have no personality and thereby be the female equivalent of the Holy Grail for men who simply long for a decorative accessory that never utters a word? I think the second option is far more likely. I also think it says far more about the guys looking for their soulmates on Are You the One? than it says about Julia herself.
As last week’s episode drew to a close, the battle lines were officially drawn for Julia’s heart and loins. On one side stands Stephen, the guy Julia might actually like. On the other side is Gio, a guy who always wants to win the I HAD IT WORST IN LIFE game. And in the middle stands our Queen – and she barely breaks a sweat while wars begin to wage in her honor. It’s actually some stone cold sh*t we’re watching go down and it’s impressive enough that I’ve decided to go ahead and embrace whatever it might be that she stands for in life. Who cares about a personality? Hail Julia!
Tonight’s episode begins with the group arriving back at the house after only achieving four beams in the Match-Up Ceremony. The mood is mixed. Emma is eating her feelings, Victoria has no clue who the correct matches are, and nobody is strategizing all that effectively. The next morning dawns and things are still not looking so bright for Emma. She felt like she and John finally started to connect, but now he’s flirting with Nicole and Emma just doesn’t know where she stands with the guy she’s liked since the very first day. “If it was mutual, I’d marry him tomorrow,” she inexplicably insists to Prosper who is weirdly impressed with Emma’s level of devotion. I’m just gonna go ahead now and declare Prosper a far more optimistic soul than I happen to be because if Emma said such a thing in my presence, I’d lock her in a closet Patty Hearst-style until she came to her senses. But there’s no time to look for a closet because the Challenge is upon us! Ryan is ready to host a competition about sticking some poles into some holes – get your minds out of the gutter; the language of this Challenge is just a coincidence – and the group needs to pair up. Gio immediately becomes incensed when Stephen and Julia grab for one another since Gio simply cannot fathom how a man is holding on to a woman who is not his when Gio is so willing to claim Julia like she’s a piece of land that he can pee all over to mark his turf.
The winners of what we might as well call The Strap-On Olympics are Morgan and Tori and they’ll eventually be heading off on a romantic drive through Maui, but they’re not the only ones being released from the psychological and physical confines of the house. All of them will attend an Adam & Eve party later that evening where nothing can possibly go wrong. After all, when you combine fig leaves and alcohol, only good things happen! The party gets crazy fast. How crazy? Well, we get to see twerking happen in slow motion and that’s always a good hint that sh*t’s about to go down. Asaf and Francesca are the first to begin tonguing one another on the dance floor, an action that pummels Camille in the heart because she liked Asaf first. From there, we cut to John joyfully spraying champagne around the room. He’s celebrating because he’s finally determined once and for all that he never wants to have to stare at Emma’s resting bitch face and he would rather go grind up on Nicole. “Something tells me,” John begins quite terrifyingly, “to go up, talk to Nicole, grab Nicole…” and then he does just that. He literally lifts her up and hoists her off the dance floor. Then he gazes deeply into her face and tells her that her eyes are gorgeous and, even though she responds by telling him that he’s a little boy, she straddles and all but swallows him as Emma watches. Little parts of her are being destroyed, but her makeshift therapist is right there beside her. “Get over yourself,” Prosper counsels Emma before dropping some news that kind of shocked me. “I want you so bad,” Prosper says – and I did not see such a thing coming. I’m curious to know how much the guy drank before strapping on that fig leaf and making such a declaration. As for Emma, she’s just grateful that someone finally likes her and ends the party by making out with him.
In a quiet spot away from all the revelers, Tyler tells Kaylen that he thinks she is the woman for him. Kaylen, however, has already been hurt on that island and she wants to remain cautious. On the other side of the room, Victoria’s downing drinks by the dozen because she feels like Cam is not showing her enough attention and he’s not even willing to ram through her wall of insecurities. I think it’s pretty clear that Cam should probably go fleeing in the other direction. I mean, there are red flags everywhere, like the flaming ones currently being twirled by a girl who willingly calls herself “dramatic” and then replies “almost” when Cam asks her if she even loves herself. Then she decides to insult him before running after him so she can beg him to be secure enough for the both of them. The entire thing looks f*cking miserable.