It’s down to the wire, you guys, and it’s not looking pretty. Blackouts. Mystery matches. Hideously flawed strategies. Stephen and Julia, this generation’s Romeo and Juliet – the SparkNotes version anyway – confronted with the fact that experts believe they do not really belong together. And we haven’t even gotten to the moment when a Wolfman howled snout-up at the moon. Yes, after all this time there are still only two confirmed matches on Are You the One? and there’s very little time left for our frazzled contestants to figure it all out. Can they do it? Will Stephen and Julia put their budding romance on hold for the good of the competition? Will Ryan Devlin’s head explode in the face of such insanity? Will Gio then try to eat that head because he once heard that’s what wolves do? It’s time to find out!
Before this recap officially begins, allow me to say that I have zero patience for any of these people refusing to move away from someone who has already been proven not to be a match. Think you’re in love and the experts got it all wrong? Then call your pretend soulmate after filming is done and be together then! For now, it’s about strategy and it’s time to f*cking embrace that because to do anything else would be nothing short of idiotic. And now that my diatribe is complete, let’s get into the finale where everyone is still reeling from losing $250,000 at the last Match-Up Ceremony. Asaf is so angry he asks the camera to stop filming him. Julia is utterly despondent. Francesca has lost the ability to subtract 250,000 from 1,000,000. Gio is still a wolf.
Poor Julia is genuinely despondent. She’s spent all this time falling for Stephen and now she thinks she maybe shouldn’t be with him because a beam of light told her so. They end the night smooching while a night-vision camera films them, though, so perhaps all is not lost. The next day at the Challenge, Ryan manages not to point at them and giggle about the notion they could all very well go home poor. In a Battle of the Sexes, we learn men lie more often than women (duh), women speak more than men (double duh), a ton of people Google someone before a first date (which is just good sense), and Emma stalks every guy she might have a cup of coffee with. The ultimate winners of the competition are the women after Victoria gets the question correct about whether or not most women would shove a GPS tracking device inside of their boyfriend if given the chance. While she would happily remove a guy’s pancreas to stick a GPS in, she realizes the majority of women are sane and she walks away triumphant. It’s Emma and Francesca, though, who will go on the Getaway Date. Emma chooses Propser while Francesca picks Asaf and they’re off to go ride bicycles over water while the rest of the house must decide which couple should be voted into the Truth Booth and they know they must choose wisely because this is a group that seriously needs a win.
It seems like it’s always Tori who kicks off the strategizing sessions. She sits around with the others discussing if Asaf and Francesca could actually be a match. Kaylen thinks there’s no way they belong together; it’s gotta be Gio who is Francesca’s match, a possibility that makes me rather sad for Francesca. None of that really matters, though. The only thing that matters at all is the rap battle between Gio and Tori. The gist of Gio’s rap is that Tori needs a boob job, he was the first guy to get jerked off in The Boom Boom Room, and then he ends by literally howling at the sky. Tori goes next and girlfriend is prepared. She’s got the other girls chiming in while she makes fun of him for always thinking everyone is against him, for being so defensive, and then she ends by mocking his bullsh*t third-eye theory. Honestly? This little rap could very well be my favorite moment of television since I found out what was in that f*cking hatch on Lost. How does Gio handle this silliness? About as well as you’d think. He loses his sh*t entirely, breaks some glass, and busts open his hand. This guy might really need the prize money just so he can get therapy because his actions are nothing short of disturbing. (By the way, it might seem like I’m being hard on Gio, but I did not pick his name randomly out of a hat and get stuck criticizing him. I’m responding to his actions and those actions are f*cking insane.)
In a happy place where there’s no blood, the winners of the Challenge glide across the water. Prosper has decided Emma’s constant complaining is adorable. Francesca has decided Asaf’s terrible prior behavior doesn’t bother her anymore, something he really appreciates because it sucks to be held accountable. I will give Asaf a break, though. He seems to genuinely like Francesca –
and that’s nice to see.
Before a duo is sent into the Truth Booth, Julia and Stephen announce that they’re really sorry, but they will not be exerting a smidgen of energy searching for their MTV-endorsed Perfect Matches. The rest of the group appears horrified, as well they should; this right here is a game and they all have to be in it to win it. Hopefully the Truth Booth will yield more positive news. It’s Emma and Prosper who are voted in and they are a Match! It’s actually a really sweet moment for all of them, even Prosper, who is swiftly informed that he will not be getting laid anytime soon. The group is thrilled and champagne is being sprayed, but the mood quickly sours when Tyler – drunk off his ass – announces seemingly out of nowhere that Kaylen is not his Match. Then he calls her a bitch and somehow Prosper hops in and starts fighting with her and getting in her face. Then things really get dark as Gio tries to hone in on the action. “You’re being a little ass girl,” he taunts Kaylen. “Get the f*ck away from me!” Kaylen shrieks back and Prosper, who is busy calling Kaylen a bitch on his own and would like to continue to verbally harass her without interference, pushes Gio for real. Dude, fake wolves do not like being pushed aside! It all escalates to Prosper and Gio almost beating the sh*t out of each other until the crew pulls them apart. But if you thought it was over there, you haven’t seen anything. Trying to justify himself and his actions, Gio announces this is all because Kaylen is a scorned little bitch, words she doesn’t take to kindly. She busts in and looks ready to strike while a hysterical (and a seriously brave) Nicole holds her back while the guy who once claimed to love Kaylen calls her a hood rat. The entire thing is sad and it’s gross and it makes me worry about what some of these people are like in the real world.
The next day is all about cleaning up the carnage and strategizing for the ninth Ceremony. It’s the girls who get to pick tonight. Camille chooses Tyler. Victoria selects John because they bond over not giving a f*ck. Then Kaylen is up next – and she’s got some stuff to say. First she allows Prosper to apologize to her before turning to Gio and letting him know that she’s quite aware she’s not “a hood rat bitch from Compton.” Then she thanks him for helping her learn that she needs to work on her anger, pride, and ego. It’s a well-articulated announcement, one Gio reacts to by shirking any and all responsibility for his actions. Even Ryan looks disgusted with him. At any rate, once the ceremony moves forward, Kaylen picks Stephen. Nicole then chooses Cam, a guy I sort of forgot was in the house. And then Julia comes up and she f*cks up the entire plan by picking Morgan. Tori was supposed to pick Morgan! Unfortunately, Julia was so busy being alone with Stephen that she never memorized the night’s plan. Francesca chooses Gio purely for strategy and Tori selects Asaf by default, a guy who was already proven is not her match. How does it end up? They get three more matches, bringing the total to six. This, my friends, is progress!