Dr. Reality Steve

“Dr. Reality Steve” & the Final Live Chat of the Season Tonight at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST

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Yes, unfortunately tonight is going to be the final live video chat of the season tonight when we go live at 9:00pm EST/6:00pm PST. The video feed issues are popping up again, and the next two Thursday’s I’m not going to be in town, so I’ve made the decision to make tonight’s the last one. And for all I know, it could be the last one forever. This “offseason” I’m going to start putting more time and effort into the podcasting world. I know a lot of you have asked about it, my background is sports talk radio, so it’s always something I’ve always liked. I like being a voice behind a microphone. Obviously now plenty of you have seen me whether it be on TV/radio appearances, or the live chat etc, but radio will always be my passion. And if I’m not gonna have my own radio show, then podcasting is the closest thing to it. But I don’t want to half ass it. If I’m gonna do it, I’m going all in. So in the remaining months of the calendar year, I’m gonna look into starting a podcast which would begin with the start of the next “Bachelor” season in January 2017. Yeah maybe here and there I’ll pop in and do a live video chat, but I don’t want to promise anything. I’m looking forward to the podcasting world and hoping to make one that can really become popular. I will keep you all updated.

So yesterday I mentioned I had 5 “Dr. Reality Steve” emails already and hoped to make it 8. You guys came through in a major way and delivered a whopping zero emails yesterday, so we’re at 5 for today ha ha. Although, I did get a couple that people wanted me to answer privately, which I hope to get around to today or tomorrow. So here you go with today’s batch…

Hey Steve,

I’ve been a fan of your site for the past year, it’s really what got me into watching all the Bachelor shows. I love watching and seeing how everything unfolds while knowing the reality of everything. My friends all hate that I spoil it for myself every season, but that just makes it all the better. I’ve been wondering whether to write in and when I saw you needed some more Dr. Reality Steve I figured this was as good a time as any so here goes.

I go to Miami every year for something called Miami Music week. Basically it’s a week of partying and music. I went to a couple shows with my brother who lives in Miami and got to meet all his friends from the area. I found myself attracted to my brother’s friend’s friend (got that?) whose from Tampa. Unfortunately I found out he had a girlfriend so I never pursued anything.

At the end of the weekend we did exchange numbers because he was going to send me videos from all the shows. That led to being friends on Facebook and snapchat of course. We snapped occasionally and watched each other’s stories now and then but none of it ever registered with me because he lives in Florida and I live in Massachusetts.

I went to a show in February and posted about it and long story short he texted me and we started talking non stop. I’m saying texts almost every day for a couple of weeks. Miami Music Week 2016 was coming up in March and I figured I’d see him there so no big deal. I knew he and his girlfriend had broken up in the fall so maybe something could happen who knows. A week before Miami he decided not to go because he wanted to pay off some loans and credit card bills instead of blowing a ton of money for a weekend. I was a little bummed because I was excited we would get to hang out in person again after talking so much.

I figured it would trickle off at that point but here we are in August and we still talk pretty frequently. There are some weeks where it is every day. We talk a lot about music, which is something really important for both of us. I’ve never found a guy that I was able to connect with on that and it really brightens my day. However the annoying thing is is that I live in the North and he’s down in Tampa! There’s no reason we would ever go to either of those places. We’ve hung out literally 3 times while partying a year and half ago but yet with the amount we’ve talked I feel like I can say he’s a pretty good friend. I’ve never had a friendship/ relationship that’s long distance yet we’ve never really hung out and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m not getting in over my head thinking we could magically start dating or anything. I just find myself talking to him so much that I’m like how does this even work?? We can never make plans and I don’t know what he’s really like in person because it’s been so long. I MIGHT see him again in Miami in 2017 (he’s thinking about going this year, I definitely am) but I’m not banking on it after last year. That’s really our only chance we would ever run into each other, let alone hang out.

I guess I would like to know your thoughts on this and how I should be thinking/treating this going forward?

Sorry for the long story, thank you!

Comment: I would treat it as a friendship and nothing more. If he wanted to see you, he’d ask for your availability, he’d ask if you wanted to meet, or he’d say, “I wanna see you again, when are you available?” He’s done none of that. Maybe it’s because of the distance? Maybe it’s because he’s not interested romantically? Maybe he’s keeping his options open? Whatever the case, he really hasn’t gone out of his way to try and meet you, so I’d take that as a sign. Keep it as friends for now, if you want to keep talking to him and keeping this up, then that’s fine. But as long as he never asks to see you, I wouldn’t get your hopes up for anything.
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Hey Steve!

Love your site! I found it during Chris’ season after not watching anything Bachelor related for 5 or 6 years. I am now re-obsessed with EVERYTHING Bachelor related, thanks to you!

On to my question. First the details…my husband, daughter, and I live in New England. Our families both live across the country (different states). He also has some college friends who he considers family (he doesn’t have siblings) in California. My family consists of about 10 people who would love to be able to visit us regularly but can only afford to do so every few years. His family is just his parents who could very easily afford to visit us multiple times a year.

My husband has a very demanding job and doesn’t get a ton of time off, but we are able to take few week long trips each year. Our problem is how to divide up vacation days. For the past few years we have each had approximately the same number of vacation days to “spend” going wherever we each want. I always choose to spend my days visiting my family. My husband uses half his days for visiting his family and half his days for visiting his college friends. Now that we have a child, he is starting to feel guilty about not visiting his family as often as we visit my family (partly because his parents make him feel guilty when we visit mine and not them) and now he thinks that he should get more vacation days than me since he has friends he wants to visit, and I don’t have friends I want to visit. I think that if his parents care about seeing us more often they should come to us, rather than making me see my family even less than we already do.

What do you think? This is honestly probably the number one conflict in our marriage. We have come to a resolution multiple times (the resolution being that it is fair to have equal days) but my husband always changes his mind when we start planning our next trip. Would also love to get the opinion of your readers! Thanks!!

Comment: In law visitation is becoming more and more prevalent in stories I’m hearing from married people. What’s enough? What’s too much? What’s equal time? I don’t think there’s a definitive answer. Unless your in laws live in the same city or somewhat close and get to see you whenever you want, usually it becomes an issue if you’re close to them. So it’s understandable you’re having this issue.

Might seem like an easy question, but are your in laws aware of the lack of vacation time you both have? You said his parents make him feel guilty, but if he’s telling them “Look, I only have x amount of time available,” they should be a little more understanding. I get it. They’re parents. And parents want to see their kids and grandchild. Makes sense. But sometimes, and especially in your situation, it’s just not possible to see them as much as they’d like to. You both have parents on the west coast (or so it seems by what you said), so not only is it a long flight where one of the travel days (from west to east) basically takes up a whole day, but it’s expensive.

All you can do at this point is do the best you can to visit both families. Obviously you’d like to see yours and he’d like to see his. Understandable. And you only have “x” amount of days a year to do so. Everyone involved should understand this and plan accordingly. And yes, maybe suggest having them come to visit once a year and you’ll put them up. Maybe even help pay. Whatever works best in your marriage. But there’s really no easy solution unfortunately. All you can do is suggest seeing both of them when you can, and if he fights it saying he deserves more, just say if it were possible maybe you could. But it doesn’t sound like it is.

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5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. rob22

    August 25, 2016 at 9:26 AM

    Miami: To go along with what RS said, there’s no way he would have blown off the musical festival where he could have seen you if he was very interested in you. He would have found the money if he couldn’t wait to see you. There is nothing there. Treat it that way.

  2. xnuzboss

    August 25, 2016 at 9:38 AM

    Dear New England Mother,

    The essential conflict expressed in your letter is something everybody experiences as life marches on, and that is the need to grow up. When children enter the picture especially, it’s time to set aside childish things, and that includes spending time with college buddies. Maybe your husband needs to embrace reunions and put aside the wish to hang out as a college guy in perpetuity. That’s one issue.

    Parents and in-laws becoming increasingly important as children come on the scene and especially as they get older. There is a special and necessary bond between a young mother and her own mother when raising children, and I encourage you not to be afraid of that and to make darned sure that your husband is aware that it has nothing to do with him or his parents. It’s simply a necessary part of being human.

    That said, I feel that the onus on visiting is with the grandparents, because this isn’t about them. It’s about you and your budding family, and there are always options for people who can’t afford the expensive travel. New England is beautiful in early October, and that should be an annual trek for them. If they can’t make it, resist the feelings of guilt, for your wellbeing is more important to you as a mom than theirs.

    Finally, given what you’ve said, I’d most strongly mention that vacations are for the people who get them, not to satisfy or assuage your guilt. You three need to put yourselves first in this area, ‘lest it become too easy to put yourselves last in others.

    Terry

  3. rob22

    August 25, 2016 at 9:55 AM

    Single and Trying to Mingle: I went through this too. I was definitely not interested in “just getting married”. If it wasn’t a person that I had a lot in common with, I wasn’t going to sign up for 50 years of that. At a certain age, all of my friends got married & they kinda made me feel like I was doing something wrong & was way too picky. So, at that point, I started to think it wasn’t going to happen. But, I kept just doing what I was doing. I did date a lot and definitely kept open to all possibilities. I think that was the key. 95% of the women I dated never got past a date, or two. But, then I met my wife. I was doing an activity I loved, and we just ran into one another. We’ve been married 25 years now. So, my advice is to just open to anything and anyone, say yes to dates, keeping doing the activities you love and it will happen eventually. I think we put time tables on these things and life doesn’t work that way. Things happen during different time frames and in different ways for different people. Things are just taking a little longer for you.

    Since you haven’t dated in three years, that says to me that you haven’t been completely open to dating. And the fact that you gave up on online dating backs that up. The only way to lose in life is to give up. Three years not dating feels a bit like you’ve given up. Time to get back on the horse. It’s scary, I know. And you’ll have a lot of lousy dates, I know. And you’ll meet a lot of guys not interested in relationships, I know. But if you stay at it, you’ll meet someone who IS really interested in you & does want something more than a hook up. It will happen for you. The early 30s is too young to be giving up…. and yeah, I know when you’re that age it starts to feel old. It’s not. Trust me.

  4. rob22

    August 25, 2016 at 1:44 PM

    Fairy Tale or Bust: You’re not wrong for not wanting to settle. You shouldn’t settle. And, I can’t tell from your note whether that’s really what you’re doing…. Because you brought up “The Fairy Tale”.
    I say this because The Fairy Tale is….. well….. a Fairy Tale. We might get married to someone we fall head over heels about, hyperventilate thinking about and are just hugely attracted to. But then life happens. Our spouses have annoying habits. Our spouses gain weight or start to noticeably age. The things we used to find funny become really irritating. And if they tell that damned story one more time!!….or if they leave the bathroom door open while taking a dump again….!!!
    So, then what do you have after the Fairy Tale goes bust? Well, if you have a shared world view (including religious views), shared values, a shared idea about having kids & how to parent them and are interested in many of the same things, you’ve still got quite a bit. The heart going pitter patter….eh…. not so much. That’ll come and go. It might take long vacations too.
    So, here’s the deal. Love is not a feeling. For those that believe it is a feeling, they will eventually fall out of love. Because their spouses aren’t always going to be on the positive side of their feelings.
    Instead, Love is a verb. You choose to love someone, or you choose not to. If you choose to love them, your feelings will come around. If you choose not to love them, well, not so much. They’re toast.
    That’s not to say that you should marry someone who you’re not attracted to, or who’s awful in bed, or who bores you to tears. No. Not saying that. You have to have a relationship you’re happy with or it’s going to be a long 50 years. But the fairy tale & heart going pitter patter stuff. It’s very overrated. Unless, of course, you’re looking forward to a very close relationship with a Divorce lawyer for a couple of years.
    Evaluate whether your boyfriend is someone you’d want to spend the next 50 years with. Then choose to love him, and your feelings will be fine. Or, choose not to love him & move on. It feels like you’re playing somewhere in between right now. Make a choice & commit to it one way or the other. It’s the best way to go.

  5. LM111

    August 25, 2016 at 5:03 PM

    Dear Fairy Tale,

    I’m going to give you the same advice that my mom gave me when I was dating this great guy (on paper) who adored me, wanted the same things I wanted, had a very successful business, and wasn’t funny – at all. The guy was hinting around about engagement rings and I felt a tinge of anxiety every time he brought it up. But, he was very sweet to me and I DID want to get married… someday.

    My mom said: It’s simple. Throw out your checklist and marry your favorite person to talk to. Imagine that you had to drive across the country, who would you want in the car with you for that trip? Who could you have fun with just going to the grocery store? Marry that person. Dishwasher or Doctor, doesn’t matter. You only get this one life… make sure you have fun.

    I knew right away that marrying him would be a mistake. Ended it and never regretted that decision. I’m not saying that’s what you should do. Just giving you something to think about. I also agree with everything Rob said.

    Good luck to you!

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