Dr. Reality Steve

Podcast #41 – Interview with Josiah Graham (Part 2), & “Dr. Reality Steve”

One thing about recording podcasts early is that news can break in the “Bachelor” world and it doesn’t get discussed. Or what we discussed isn’t as relevant. Part 2 of the Josiah podcast today unfortunately has that happen. Yesterday on Twitter I announced that my sources are telling me Peter is the next “Bachelor” and that the announcement is expected to be coming soon from ABC. Well, since I recorded this podcast with Josiah a couple weeks ago, we talk about possible “Bachelor” scenarios with Peter, Dean, and Eric. So you can hear his thoughts on that, but just know it was recorded long before yesterday’s news. I like knowing that I have podcasts recorded and in the can ready to go, but yeah, at times I’m going to miss out on being able to talk about relevant news. When I first started doing these, I recorded all my podcasts on Tuesday or Wednesday, with the release happening Thursday. But that became too much of a hassle because someone canceling last minute, or having to rely on nothing going wrong became too nerve wracking for me. So now I record it the second I know they’re available just so I know I have it. Which gives me a better peace of mind, but yeah, it potentially sacrifices not being able to talk about more recent news. With that said, Part 2 of Josiah’s interview is excellent. He’s very open and honest about Lee and I think you’ll be surprised at what he says about the guy. I think my favorite part though is during Rapid 10 when I put his spelling skills to the test. Remember, he won the Spelling Bee on the South Carolina group date. Does he live up to that title? You’ll have to listen and find out. As always, if you want to respond to the interview on social media, please include Josiah’s Twitter handle (@JosiahDGraham) in your replies. He saw all of them last week and texted me to say how much he enjoyed the response. Hope you enjoy Part 2 today. And guess what? It’s AD FREE!!!!!! One hour and 16 minutes straight with no interruptions. I’m sure that makes a lot of you happy.

You can listen to today’s podcast on a number of platforms, but you can also tune in by clicking the player below:


Subscribe: Apple Podcasts, RSS, Stitcher, Spotify
Music written by Jimmer Podrasky
(B’Jingo Songs/Machia Music/Bug Music BMI)

(SPOILERS) Part 2 starts with Josiah talking about Rachel as the “Bachelorette” and how she handled the Lee situation, is there anything he’d take back from this season that he did (9:37), what his biggest issue with Lee was (11:47), did he think Lee was sincere at the “Men Tell All” (15:57), the cliques in the house (26:01), his thoughts on the Rachel & Peter breakup (34:06), Peter as the “Bachelor” (this was recorded before my Twitter announcement yesterday) (40:57), why wasn’t he on BIP (50:36), his thoughts on the DeMario situation (53:13), a big win in the courtroom recently for his firm (55:25), and finally one of my favorite Rapid 10’s where I put Josiah’s championship spelling skills to the test (1:01:15). Did he live up to the title he won in South Carolina? Ummmm….

Twitter – @JosiahDGraham
Instagram – josiahdgraham
Website: Josiah Graham – lawyer
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Dr. Reality Steve

Dr. Reality Steve,

I have been married for 18 years and we have 4 children. We are both in our late 30’s. My husband is away for work about 7-10 days and then home for 2. When he is home, we try to spend some time alone and have a breakfast date or a date night. He’s really good about spending time with me when we leave the house. When we are all just hanging out at home I feel like he pushes me aside. I know he loves me I don’t doubt that but sometimes I don’t feel appreciated. I look forward to the time that he is home and I hate that he spends most of his time outside. He is outdoorsy and I am not. I like my a/c in the summer! I try to understand and let him have his time outside during the day. My issue is when I want to spend time with him at night he is still outside. Sometimes that will mean watching a movie but it could also mean that I want to have sex. It’s usually not an issue until one of our mutual male guy friends stops by in the late evening. If he stops by to talk, then I can forget any kind of attention from my husband unless I sit outside for 2 or 3 hours. It’s getting old. I only get to see him 2 days at a time and I look forward to that. He knows that this upsets me. I feel like it is affecting our time together including our sex life because I refuse to stay up until 1 am when he’s ready to come to bed. We normally have a great sex life as much as we can due to his schedule. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just leave him alone and let him hang out with our friend if he stops by at night? Is this inconsiderate of my husband? I feel like the situation would be different if he was home every night. Am I being too hard on him? I’ve
already discussed this with him and he says that he doesn’t mean to push me aside. I don’t think he gets it. I would love to get your opinion, Steve, and maybe some suggestions on what I could do to get him to spend time with me at night.

Lonely Wife

Comment: Unreasonable? No. His schedule is not the most conducive to a great relationship. Of course you feel lonely. It’s because you are. You’re by yourself for weeks at a time. How long is his job schedule gonna look like this? Because if it doesn’t change, I don’t see anything in the relationship changing either.

As for when he’s home, the fact that he can’t give you the time you need is also a glaring problem. He gets two days with you at a time, and he’d rather spend them outside with his buddies than with his wife? Yeah, not good. At all. There’s obviously a disconnect on his end. Maybe it can be the 18 years married thing and he’s just feeling complacent. It happens. However, that doesn’t make it right or excusable. You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling because you’re being neglected. If you’ve talked to him about it and he’s still doing it, then you need to be more stern about him spending time with you or just expect the behavior to continue. You even said you don’t think he gets it. You got that right. He doesn’t. He’s treating you pretty sh***y for what you’ve had to put up with. I hope there’s something with his job that allows this schedule to change sometime soon, because if not, I don’t see this getting better anytime soon. If he’s not willing to change, nothing you say to him will make him.
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Dear Steve,

I’ve been feeling really anxious about my relationship in the last couple of weeks since a conversation with my boyfriend that totally destroyed my feeling of security and belief in a definite future with him.

A little background: we’ve been together over 3.5 years, living together for almost 3, very happily I feel. He has called me his soulmate, and his partner for life. I’ve even considered asking him to marry me numerous times over the last couple years, but held back as I want him to ask me.

Last year we went on a big holiday and I noticed him being a bit quieter and cooler with me than normal, but when we talked about it we decided we were just tired from travelling. When we got back home things went back to usual.

Then a few months back we went on a smaller trip for a long weekend, and that ‘off’ vibe came back. Again, we discussed it and agreed the weather was bad, we didn’t love the city we were in etc. Came home, things seemed good, we rarely argue and we’re enjoying life.

A couple of weeks ago, he got annoyed with me and mumbled something negative that got me asking questions. Out of the blue it turned into a big conversation about how he is “confused” and feels a lot of pressure to get engaged but isn’t sure he wants that yet – I asked if he meant with me or at all, he said a bit of both. I asked when these doubts had come about and he mentioned the holidays having had that weird ‘off’ vibe. He also said he felt we were stuck in a routine, though I pointed out that I’m usually the one who suggests different activities and he isn’t always interested.

I got really upset and cried, and we talked for hours. He tried to reassure me a bit, saying he loves me and doesn’t want to break up or anything, but I have been left feeling heartbroken and depressed. I thought we were on the brink of engagement, and it hurts me that he doesn’t feel the same. Although he has said he doesn’t feel it’s as serious a situation as I took it, and we’re about to lease a new apartment together which suggests he’s being honest about not wanting to break up in the near future, I’m now struggling with it all emotionally. It’s so hard not to analyze everything we say and do to each other for signs of what’s to come, or to worry that he’s going to one day call it off even though I feel like we’re perfect together.

He just turned 30 which I think may have contributed to a sort of mini (early) mid-life crisis, but how do I deal with this uncertainty I now have about whether we are on track to spend the rest of our lives together? Do you think I’m overreacting or does it sound like he’s checking out gradually?

Sorry it’s such a long email, but I’d really appreciate your point of view.

Comment: I don’t think you’re overreacting necessarily, but certainly there could be worse problems in a relationship. Three years living with someone and him dropping a “I don’t know if I want to be engaged to you/at all” now is definitely disturbing to hear. Especially when he never gave a clear reason why. But the fact you do have a new lease coming up on an apartment makes me think he’s not leaving you. At least not yet. And I don’t mean that to sound morbid or anything, because you hear stories all the time about guys (or girls) that just up and leave without any rhyme or reason.

He shouldn’t be having a mid life crisis at 30 though. I don’t buy that. That could be just an excuse. Sounds you’re the one saying that for him. Don’t. How is financially and with his job situation? Everything healthy on that front? There’s a lot of factors to possibly consider that I don’t know about yet. But for the time being, it sounds like everything outside of that conversation seems to be going well. I’d ride it out a bit longer, but definitely open up the communication a bit more. He needs to know how bothered you are by the fact you’ve been living with him for 3 years, yet now he’s saying if he doesn’t know if he ever wants to be engaged/married to you or anyone. If he doesn’t understand how much that would hurt you, then he needs to reassess some things. You don’t want to waste your time with a guy who has no intention of marrying you. Could it be just a phase? I hope so. But you need to find out in the next 3-6 months or so I’d say. Because dragging this thing out, and staying with a guy who is non-committal is just gonna make him think you’re ok with everything. Granted, moving on will be tough, but if he doesn’t want to be with you, it’s your only option.
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Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page, or listen to all my podcasts at Apple Podcasts. Talk to you soon.

10 Comments

10 Comments

  1. j1scarlett

    August 31, 2017 at 7:58 AM

    If a guy says he isnt sure if he wants to marry you after almost 4 years then its likely because he doesnt think you’re the right one for him and doesnt want to marry you. He might not have even figured that out yet, but thats probably the case. But its a lot easier to keep living with you for right now and saying hes confusing until he actually decides he doesnt want to be with you any more, which might not be for quite awhile. So Id say get out now and find someone who knows he wants to marry you, even though thats going to be really hard for you right now.

  2. cm1234

    August 31, 2017 at 10:43 AM

    I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 6 years – around 4 years of dating (we started dating when I was 22) I started putting on the pressure of wanting to get engaged and he told me he wasn’t ready yet. It was really hurtful at the time, but I had confidence we would get there and now we openly talk about getting engaged, which should in the next 6 months, and our future wedding. I like to joke that my boyfriend is always a year to 6 months behind me, I wanted to move before he did too.. some guys just take longer to process things. Though the comment that he may not ever want to get married is alarming. That is the bigger concern to me than just not being ready to commit to marriage yet. And a 30 midlife crisis is totally a thing! My boyfriend is older and he went through a similar thing of what his expectations at 30 were – but these were more focused around his career and not with a relationship. Steve makes a good point on asking where he is financially and with his job. Keep the conversation going and check in with him on clarifying not ever wanting to get married… does that mean no kids? You need to openly talk about your futures to see if they line up. He may just not be ready at this point, but could get there. Goodluck!

  3. Del Scorcho

    August 31, 2017 at 10:43 AM

    He’s comfortable with you but doesn’t want to marry you. After this long he won’t change his mind. If you want marriage, leave now

  4. rob22

    August 31, 2017 at 11:22 AM

    While I agree that you may want to ride out the situation a bit and see what happens, this is a huge red flag. The signs were coming out with some his cool behavior & now there is a big crack. Can the crack be repaired? Maybe, especially if something else is causing him to behave this way. Because what he’s saying, according to what you wrote, is that he’s dissatisfied with the relationship. That he’s somewhat bored. And that he isn’t sure he wants to marry YOU, not some hypothetical marriage that will occur some day to someone. So, if what you got is honesty, then he’s on the way out the door & it’s just a matter of time.

    If he was in a bad mood about something and just took it out on you, then things should turn around quickly and you should be able to work through it.

    But, overall, this didn’t sound like an “I’m not ready YET” discussion as much as an “I’m not really feeling it at ALL” discussion. But words are tricky, so I leave room for the fact that I may have taken the words you wrote too literally.

    All in all, I don’t think a new lease is a good idea. For some reason, you and RS looked at that as good news. I look at it as a potential financial problem when he walks out the door. A lease does not mean that he will actually stay with you another year. It’s a piece of paper that people find all kinds of reasons to rip up. I’d go month to month, because right now, that’s the reality of your relationship.

    BTW: if he’s having a midlife crisis at 30, God help you if you get married, when he turns 40 and 50…. and OMG 60!!! 30 is nothing. That’s, at best, the worst excuse I’ve ever heard for an outburst like you described.

  5. shenanigans

    August 31, 2017 at 11:28 AM

    ITA with Del Scorcho. This guy doesn’t want to give up the benefits of living with this woman. However, she’s not the one and he isn’t going to marry her.

    The thing is, he probably won’t admit that until he meets the right person, which will be devastating to his current girlfriend. If she is wise, she will move out and keep looking. This relationship is not going to end well.

  6. rob22

    August 31, 2017 at 12:20 PM

    @shenanigans: you’ve made the leap that I was hesitating to make. But I think you’re right. I was also debating whether the whole issue was being caused by an already existing side chick, who might be growing into more. No proof, pure speculation, so I let it go (and this comment should be taken with a big grain of salt). But I could easily see the scenario you’ve described play out in the future. If he’s got one foot out the door, he’d be open to other possibilities and it wouldn’t take much for him to start cheating. Fun fact: bored guys look for excitement. Elsewhere, if necessary. Something to watch out for.

  7. rozefly

    September 1, 2017 at 3:25 AM

    So – Lonely Wife. I kind of disagree with Steve. Whilst I get how you feel, I do think you also need to take a step back and consider how it must also be for him to be away for so long at a time. He also only has two days to get home, see you, his children and his friends. You’ve said that he makes an effort to have date nights with you every time he is back, and he sounds like a kind and loving husband who clearly adores you. You have a good sex life after many years of marriage and you clearly have a strong relationship. I can understand how it must be hurtful to feel like he is not spending enough time with you in the time that he does have at home… but consider this. Everyone needs friends and a support group outside of their family too. Only having two days back means that he probably actually has very little time for his own, private relationships with friends who also don’t get to see him much. I expect being able to see his friends is a real treat for him, especially as each time he comes home he does also make time to make you feel special and have dates with you. Remember, he is away from home for such long periods of time, and I can see how this is hard on both of you. I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong for feeling this way, but I think you need to try to see things from his perspective too. He is only away for such long periods in order to support you and his children, who he clearly loves. This is a considerable sacrifice, and I think him having time to be with his friends is also really important. He’s not staying out late at bars, from what I gather, he is at home and his friends who clearly miss him are coming to him to catch up. I’m also an early bird, but I am sure there could be occasions when you could join them and enjoy catching up with his friends too. Or perhaps plan a bit of a gathering when he is next home, a bbq or something to invite a range of friends over all at once, so that you can all enjoy each others company during the day – then you can have him to yourself in the evening.

    All i am saying is that if I had to work away for such long periods, the chance to get home and just relax with my family and sometimes my friends would be a welcome break – he needs you to compromise too (and whilst I am sure you are doing this) try to take it less personally when he wants to spend time catching up with his buddies too. Being able to see friends and just relax and not feel beholden only to your partner is an important part of a relationship – being flexible and understanding. It sounds like you both need to try and put yourselves int he other shoes a little bit more and just gain a bit more understanding on how the other feels and perhaps accept that he deserves to have that time with his friends as well as his date nights with you. Good luck – you guys sound super solid and I am sure you’ll get through this x

  8. bonkers

    September 1, 2017 at 5:12 AM

    I would not be starting a new lease either with someone I’d been dating for almost four years who said they still didn’t know if they wanted to marry me.

    I feel like anyone sane these days has hesitations about making such a huge commitment in general…but choosing to make the commitment is a huge part of the commitment, if that makes any sense. Make him choose. Tell him you’ve thought about it, and you can’t continue to be with him if he’s not going to make the commitment anytime soon. Give him some time to process, but be ready to follow through. If he chooses to bolt, then you’ll know you’ve saved yourself a lot of wasted time!

    Good luck! In my experienced an ultimatum worked for a boyfriend (now husband) who didn’t “believe” in marriage. I think in my husband’s case he was just a bit scared of it, his parents having had a bad divorce when he was young. But if marriage is what you feel you need in a relationship to stay committed and happy, then you need to make it happen, whether it is with your current boyfriend, or someone else whose values more closely match yours.

  9. rob22

    September 1, 2017 at 7:26 AM

    I did want to comment on the Lonely Wife. So, I’m not 100% clear how long he’s been a road warrior, but it sounds like quite a while. Maybe even the full 18 years. The deal here is that when you sign up for that kind of commitment, you’re not going to get his full attention. His attention is split up among all his interests, you included, and he’s got two days a week for all of it. Also, business travel is EXHAUSTING, so he’s going to be inclined to do whatever it is that relaxes him. It sounds like that’s being outside.
    IF he was to give you more attention, you have to realize that he’s already dividing up a pretty small pie. Two days to do what most people do in seven days, isn’t much time to divvy up.
    The road warrior tradeoff is usually that it brings in a nice income, at the cost of time for the family and everything else. So, if you really want more time, I’d start having discussions with him about finding a job that doesn’t require full time travel. I’d also start discussing your willingness to have less income and downsize your life accordingly. Ouch. Less Money?? I couldn’t do that! Well, this is the tradeoff you’ve made. I’ve seen couples make the tradeoff and I’ve seen couples decide to change jobs, with less income, to have more time for one another. In this case, you cannot have your cake and eat it to. Decide which you want. Don’t keep the cash and badger your husband to spend more time with you. That’s really an unfair position to take. Either start moving towards a job change (this won’t happen overnight… think months or even a year out to allow plenty of time to get ready & make the move), or accept the current situation. Your badgering is likely to only move him to spend less time with you. If you decide to accept the current situation, which is entirely up to you, you know you can spend more time with him if you’ll adapt and become more of an outdoors person. The fact that you’ve become unwilling to do much of that kind of shows that you want HIM to compromise & aren’t really that willing to compromise yourself. Sorry if you think I’m being unfair. We make choices in life and we can either choose to live with those choices as best as we can or make a different choice. That’s life in a nut shell.

  10. LM111

    September 1, 2017 at 9:40 AM

    In response to the woman with the confused boyfriend. To me, the part that really stands out in what you wrote is this: ” I asked if he meant with me or at all, he said a bit of both”. A bit of both. Ouch. I think this is the closest he’ll come to being honest with you. Men hate to look like “a bad guy” and they rarely tell a woman straight-out that she’s not “the one” , so when he admits that a part of him doesn’t see a future with YOU, it means that he’s already decided you’re not the one. This usually turns into a “push pull” situation where you try to hang on and he pushes you further away for being too needy. It’s a no-win situation for you. You might think that by signing a lease together you’ll “keep” him around for another year, and i’m sure you love him so that’s tempting, but in my experience, a man will leave when he’s ready – lease or no lease – and you might be stuck in a bad financial situation at a difficult time in your life, when you’re trying to heal from a very sad break-up.

    There’s a saying that really applies here: “Let go, or be dragged”

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