The Bachelor 22 - Arie

(SPOILER): An Episode 1 Breakdown of the “Bachelor”

We’re a week away from “Bachelor” season starting back up, meaning back to “full time” work for me. Recaps on Tuesday, “Reader Emails” on Wednesday, “Dr. Reality Steve” and podcasts on Thursday. So get any “Reader Emails” and “Dr. Reality Steve” for me in this week. In addition, we are back to a “Bachelor” related podcast this week. Some will enjoy it, but the trolls will definitely have a field day with it. Just watch. I know it’s taken me a while, but I’ve finally got your episode 1 breakdown for you. Being Mr. Procrastinator that I am, of all the days to finally getting around to doing this, if you know me, you shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that I started this at 11pm Christmas night, even though I watched the episode two weeks ago and had the notes just sitting there. Hey, cut me some slack it’s been a busy month. I gave most of this out on Twitter the day after I watched it, but here’s a little more in depth of what to expect come next Monday night during the premiere. The episode is no different than any of the previous first night episodes, just with different people. And actually less drama. There’s no overly drunk girl who causes a scene, and there’s really no crazy girl either. Pretty standard of what to expect for a first episode in terms of how the beat goes: intro to the lead, intro videos for 9 of the girls, 29 limo entrances, cocktail party where we see different conversations and character storylines for some, then a rose ceremony (which isn’t shown in the release to the media). So for all those who’ve been waiting, here’s everything you’ll see next Monday night in the premiere:

-We start with a recap of who the hell Not Peter is, and it’s basically the same exact thing they showed in the “Countdown to Arie” show. We see his journey through Emily’s season where she chose a 110 lb soaking wet little twerp with skinny jeans and a pompadour haircut to be Ricki’s ex-possible step daddy over him. Then we see him talking about his failed racing career that he’s trying to restart by being the “Bachelor,” – and successful so far I might add. I mean, when you’ve won one race in 10 years, and now you’re on the backend of your 30’s, of course it makes all the sense in the world to want to continue to race. But hey, to each their own.

-We also see him talking to his dad about where he is in life blah blah blah. In the shot of him and his dad, it’s pretty impressive to think that combined the two of them have won 2 Indy 500’s in their lifetime. I think he said something to his dad about finally settling down in his life, he hasn’t been in love since Emily, and that he’s ready now. Oh for sure. That’s totally believable if you ask me. Any guy who for 5 years since his last love who’s done nothing but date multiple women, cheat on them, and then just magically claim he’s ready, I mean, why wouldn’t we believe him? Right behind ya’ buddy! Go find the girl you’ll spend the rest of your life with this season. Or at least the next 6 months.

-The intro videos shown were the same as in the “Countdown to Arie,” but they showed two more. In the Countdown show, we saw Maquel, Tia, Bekah M., Nysha, Kendall, Marikh, and Caroline. We see those same ones but you can throw on two others: Chelsea Roy (first) and Krystal Nielson (last).

Chelsea: She’s a single mom from Portland, Maine to a 3 year old named Sammy. However, we never see him in her video. We see her folding his clothes, making his lunch, and even referencing his name, but he’s nowhere to be found. Newsflash: Daddy didn’t sign off on the kid being on TV. And that relationship between Chelsea and her ex is quite interesting. I’ll fill you in on next week’s episode 1 recap. It’s all kinds of jacked up. And no, they were never married.

Krystal: She’s 29 from San Diego, CA and she’s a health & fitness coach. Also has a very raspy voice which I’m sure will grate on some people. In her video, it shows her doing a lot for the homeless because her brother has been homeless for the last 2 years, they’ve reached out to him, but he hasn’t wanted help. This is where people will find her endearing. However, I think once you see in her action, it’ll be a mixed bag. Some people will find the voice grating, some people will say she comes across phony, and as I’ve spoiled, she doesn’t endear herself to many in the house as she’s the “I’m here for Arie and not to make friends” girl this season.

-Not First Choice talks with Chris before the limos arrive and, again, they want to beat us over the head with the fact he’s not been in love since Emily. So let me get this straight, he fell in love with Emily on a 7 week television show, but NONE of the numerous women he’s dated in the last 5 years, many of whom he spent plenty of time with and much longer than 7 weeks, there was ever any love? I’m beginning to think this is on him, not the others. But I guess when you have a revolving door of young 20’s women coming in and out of your home, kinda hard to pick one to fall in love with. Not to mention that other one he kept around. Oh well.

-The limo entrances were in this order: Caroline, Chelsea, Kendall, Seinne, Tia, Bibiana, Brianna, Jenny, Brittane, Jay-quellan (just humor me and say you’ve seen the Key and Peele skit), Krystal, Nysha, Valerie, Bekah M., Jenna, Jessica, Marikh, Olivia, Becca, then the 4 Lauren’s in a row Lauren S., Lauren J., Lauren B., and Lauren G., Ashley, Brittany, Amber, Ali, Annaliese, and Maquel.

-Some of the notable entrances:

Caroline: First one out, nervous, realtor, so she throws in a “off the market” reference that I’m sure will have realtors across America slapping their knees. Or not.

Seinne: Elephants are her favorite animal so she gives him elephant cuff links bc an elephant never forgets, so don’t forget to talk to her inside. Not bad. B-.

Tia: From Weiner, AR so she has a little Oscar Mayer weiner whistle she shows him and asks “Please tell me you already don’t have a little weiner.”

Brittane: She says you’re not supposed to put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari, but why not put one on him. So she puts a “Nice Butt” sticker on him. Fail.

Jay-quellan: What’s interesting is on some of the clips they’ve released of the limo entrances, they show Jay-quellan saying “I’m supposed to meet Peter here” but that’s not what’s shown in the episode. It’s just a regular hug and formal greeting.

Jessica: She gives him a gratitude rock which, ummmm, I don’t even think is a thing. But she thinks it is. And America’s Second Choice obviously doesn’t care either since she’s a non-factor this episode.

Becca: Ahhh, you can just hear the wedding bells now, can’t you? As women are approaching, you’ll get ITM’s of other women commenting on the women, and right before Becca’s entrance, we have an ITM of Kendall saying, “we’re all competing to be the one he gets down on one knee for.” ACTION! (Becca arrives, makes him get down on one knee and say to her, “Rebecca Jill, are you ready to do the damn thing.”) The writers on this show sure seemed to put in some overtime on this one.

Brittany: She spoke Dutch to him and said “You’re handsome” or something. I think she should’ve just owned the fact she spelled Brittany normally, but that’s just me.

Amber: She’s a spray tan artist and tells him she’s seen a lot of d**ks in her life and she hopes he’s not one of them.

Ali: She makes him smell her armpit saying, “Is that not the best pit stop of your life?”

Annaliese: Comes with a “50 Shades Darker” mask and calls herself the kissing bandit. Doesn’t take the mask off until much later in the episode. I guess production decided, “Hey, if your name starts with ‘A’, we want to make sure you do something completely embarrassing right off the bat.”

Maquel: Last one to arrive, and she’s in an Indy car because, you know, Arie is a racer who’s one once in the last 10 years. So I guess that gets his engine all revved up. Do you like my racing puns? Oh I sure hope you do. And oh yeah, Maquel is pretty much a fraud and strictly went on the show to promote herself as I believe she’s the first of his girls who’s already pimpin’ out product on Instagram. Zero shame. Not to mention, she was barely divorced from her husband of less than a year when doing this show, and all signs point to she immediately went back to him once she was off. So yeah, very sincere this one is.

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