-The cocktail party starts and it’s centered around two things: BB Gun is going to get her alone time with Arie come hell or high water and Bumper is going to get her make out sesh if it’s the last thing she ever does in life. Or on this show. Probably the latter. BB Gun planned a little somethin’ somethin’ for him outside with a mattress, some blankets, and a telescope. Awwwww, so cute. But of course, completely set up by producers, Arie takes every other girl outside to use it with except the BB and you can probably take a wild guess on how this sits with her. We see Blonde Dallas Lauren Who’s Still on the Show get her first significant screen time of the season and make out with him. That’s much too long of a nickname to lay out there every time I write about her (which will be for a while), so for all of those who complained “How Many Lauren’s Are There This Season?”, well, we’re down to one three episodes in. Thank God. So Only Lauren Left will now just be called…ummm…Only Lauren Left.
-Tinkerbell now has her time with Arie to try and sound more adult than she is. He asks her if she wants to get married, which she immediately says yes. Because what 22 year old, who was dreaming about a 31 year old when she was 17 watching the show, wouldn’t? Makes total sense. Then she tries to play a jedi mind trick on him by saying that she thinks he’s intrigued by her because “I think you know I don’t need you.” Does anyone actually need Arie? Probably not. But good try playing hard to get. Here’s the part of her statement that she left out: he doesn’t need her either. He’s got 16 other girls at this point. And when this doesn’t end up working out in the end with Becky with the Good Hair, he still has his black book of Scottsdale women to dial up. Technically, he doesn’t need any of you. But when you’re offered the role, you take it. Unless you’re Peter who couldn’t get out of his own head and over though himself right out of the gig.
-Guys, this is Bumper’s night. Even though every single person there has already licked his esophagus and she’s light years behind everyone else, she’s determined that this is the night it’ll happen for her. It has to. For all the tragic bumper car stories in her past, and Fido trying to eye gauge, this is gonna be her moment in the sun. She’s psyching herself out over this. Like Rocky before a big fight. Or Daniel LaRusso before he’s about to get curb stomped by (any of the villains in the three “Karate Kid” movies since they were all better than him). And what do you do before you get psyched up going in for the big kiss? YOU. EAT. ALL. THE. CANDY.
GIVE ME ALL YOUR SKITTLES AND M&M’s PLEASE pic.twitter.com/X9alwNW3MK
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) January 16, 2018
How did she even concentrate on Arie with all that goodness there? Are you kidding me? Gorge yourself, woman. No one would think any less of you.
-Now it’s time for Bumper to make her move. All her life has led up to this moment. Bring it:
“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime you better…”
Bumper: “I really wanted you to kiss me. And I’m not that type of girl.”
Arie: “I don’t think we’re there yet.” (As he wipes of the goop from whatever girl he’d just made out with)
Well talk about a lady boner killer. That was pretty much it. After Bumper, Arie and Taxidermy have a steamy kissing session, and he lets Eyebrows straddle him. But he’s “not there yet” with Bumper. When he’s tongued down everyone in a house of 17 girls, you offer to give him your saliva, and he still says no? Fail. She’s forced to go back, confront him, ask what the dealio is, and he says “I really don’t feel like there could be a future for us.” And with that, we say peace out to Bumper, who now must return to a life void of bumper cars, dogs, and anything having to do with this show I assume.
-Rose ceremony time. Edelman and Betty Boop safe with roses. “Everyone…been quite the week…one hard decision…one more to make…gives me hope spending time with one person in this room that can be my wife…or should I say ex-fiance. That seems more appropriate.” Those who are safe to continue on this journey are (for those who might’ve lost track who is who):
Sweeeeeeeet Caroline…Bum Bum Bum (Caroline)
Taxidermy (Kendall)
One of Four Realtors (Ashley)
Only Lauren Left (Lauren)
Brittany Spelled Correctly (Brittany)
Becky with the Good Hair (Becca K.)
Too Good for This Show (Seinne)
Hoarse (Krystal)
The Artist Formerly Known as Raven (Tia)
Kesha (Maquel)
Eyebrows (Jenna)
Jay-Quellan (Jacqueline)
“Ladies, Arie, it’s the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I actually appeared on two of the three dates this week letting my announcing skills shine! I’m still grossly overpaid.”
Marikh (Marikh)
So there you go for episode 3. I’m going to post the remaining episode-by-episode spoilers tomorrow (episodes 4 thru 7) so look for that. There might be two things I still don’t know about, but in the grand scheme of things, they’re pretty minor since they happen in the next two episodes. Next week filming moves to Lake Tahoe, Seinne & Bekah have 1-on-1’s while the group date has the girls mountain climbing. Fun fun.
Send all links and emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. To follow me on Twitter, it’s: www.twitter.com/RealitySteve. Instagram name is “RealitySteve,” or join my Reality Steve Facebook Fan Page. Talk to you tomorrow.
