Reality Steve

Floribama Shore

“Floribama Shore” – Nell Kalter’s Episode 9 Recap

Photo Credit: MTV

I suppose the only positive thing about Logan stalking Kortni while cameras follow his every terrifying move is that we now have yet another visual example of toxic masculinity should anyone still be unclear about what it looks like. TMZ reported just a few days ago that Logan was arrested for violating the restraining order Kortni eventually had to take out on him and every single sign that he is legitimately and dangerously unbalanced has played out on our television screens – and it continues to do so this week.

This episode begins with Kortni’s mother arriving at the house to try to calm her daughter because Kortni might be pregnant with the spawn of Mephistopheles. Sharon is insistent that Kortni not tell Logan if she is pregnant since she knows the guy wouldn’t be the best father – what with him being psychotic and all – and Nilsa sits with Kortni and her mother so Kortni will realize she is not alone in this hideous situation. Before Sharon leaves, she makes Kortni promise she’ll never see Logan again and she also offers to have him dragged away to a farm, tied to a post, and then she will stand back and watch as a bear feasts on the crazy man’s danglers. This, my friends, is good solid parenting.

In far happier news, Aimee is being released from her bronchitis-induced quarantine and the housemates are making her a welcome home sign. As most of them cannot spell “bronchitis” or “disease,” the sign is sparkly, but it’s not at all specific. Spelling issues aside, they bake her a pink cake, prepare a nice dinner, and say grace before the meal. That group prayer is then followed by individual prayers and expressions of gratitude. Gus is grateful the meal is low-carb. Aimee is grateful to be back home. Codi would very much like to retain his dad-bod and Kortni would like to pray she’s not pregnant with Logan’s child. I think even atheists are praying for that one.

The next morning, Kortni, Candace, and Codi head off to work. While they’re there, the crocodile phone rings and it’s Logan. Nilsa answers and then hangs up on him. But see, toxic men do sh*t like call back. This time, Nilsa lets him know that he barged into their home, behaved like a crazy person, scared everyone, and he’s no longer welcome in their lives. “Do you understand?” she asks twice – and both times her question is followed by a deadly silence. Aimee hears the story and is rightfully afraid. Logan knows where they live and there’s not a chance in the bowels of the slimy Hell he crawled out from that he will not show up again. Um, Sharon? You’d better go find yourself a bear but quick.

Also: Kirk is convinced Kortni and Logan’s baby will be a reincarnation of that kid from The Omen. He’s on to something, but I’d also say to toss in the hooves of Rosemary’s Baby, the spewing green sh*t courtesy of Regan from The Exorcist, and then add Chuckie’s collection of knives from Child’s Play. I’d also like to take this opportunity to say I will forever be unavailable for babysitting because demons frighten me.

Back at Shore Dogs, Codi is beyond uncomfortable due to the remaining tension between Kortni and Candace. They’re still giving one another the silent treatment because Kortni didn’t have Candace’s back when the guys were ragging on her idiotic boyfriend and his even more idiotic name. Candace would have liked if Kortni ran after her to console her, Kortni refuses to apologize for not doing that, and the issue is not resolved in the slightest, which probably means Auntie Candace will not be throwing Kortni either a baby shower or a Congratulations For Not Being Pregnant With A Lunatic’s Offspring party. Personally, I’d attend both. I go where the layer cake is.

They all head to the beach later on. Candace attempts to combat her fear of sharks, water, seaweed, and sand while Kortni and Jeremiah chat on a blanket about how Kortni will have to speak to Logan at some point to officially put an end to their relationship. Jeremiah knows, however, that the chances of Logan slinking away for good are slim and he says he’ll “box him out” if he shows up again. He may get that chance in the very near future because they’re all going out for the night and you just know Logan will appear like he’s Bloody f*cking Mary behind Kortni before the sun rises. Two women, Jaclyn and Kelly, join them for the evening, Candace shaves in the backseat of the van – but at least she’s not pissing in it – and they all arrive at the bar. The night begins well. Jeremiah smooches with Kelly, everyone dances, Gus whips out his abs so he can play Show and Tell – and then Kortni realizes Logan literally standing behind her. He’s rocking a backwards baseball cap and a face lined with rage and he’s staring into the crowd like he’s seeking out his prey and not a bit of me blames Kortni for wanting to get the hell out of there. She climbs into a van with Jeremiah and Kelly and begins to cry because she just doesn’t feel safe anymore. Everyone arrives home – and then the phone rings. There’s blaring and dissonant studio scoring setting us up to believe it’s Logan, but no. This time it’s GatorJay calling, and somehow in this moment, a man who willingly calls himself GatorJay231SouthsideGawd – a man who just recently pulled a phone out of his girlfriend’s hand and shouted “Who this?” into it because a male friend had the audacity to dial Candace’s number – seems almost normal because at least he’s not currently purchasing night-vision binoculars and figuring out which tree he should climb so as to better have a good view of Kortni while she showers.

Also: Kirk tells Kortni she’s throwing away a good friendship with Candace for no reason and it all turns into a fight so ridiculous that I don’t even have the strength to explain it. Suffice it to say, nothing is resolved yet again.

Also: Codi snores like a ninety-year-old man trapped under a rhinoceros and it gets so in the way of Jeremiah’s plans to bang that he ends up calling a taxi to send Kelly and her friend (who patiently waited downstairs for the banging to conclude) home.

The next day is when Kortni gets to find out if she’s pregnant or not and Nilsa accompanies her to the doctor. (I’m just going to go ahead and ignore the way Nilsa acted like maybe Kortni being pregnant would be in any way a good thing, what with Kortni having no real job and her having a proclivity for peeing in corners and her off-the-rail tendencies towards violence. I’m just going to pretend Nilsa saying such an insane thing is like telling a bride that the fact that it’s pouring rain on her wedding day is excellent luck because you’ll sort of do anything in that moment to find the nonexistent bright side.) While Kortni gets ready to pee on a stick in a doctor’s office, Candace, Codi, and Aimee head to the zoo where we find out Candace is also afraid of birds who walk beside her and Aimee thinks lemurs are called femurs. Anyhoo, Kortni and Nilsa eventually arrive home and Kortni asks everyone to gather in the living room. This sort of ceremony causes everyone to think there is indeed a tiny Logan-shaped fetus growing inside of Kortni, especially when she begins by thanking them for being there for her and declaring that she’s about to embark on a new healthy lifestyle. As Gus fantasizes about how such a lifestyle will mean he’ll have a new gym buddy he won’t have to swath in Saran Wrap, the rest of them are trying to figure out whether this girl is pregnant or not and she finally nods that yes, she is pregnant. There is a sad and stunned silence before Candace kindly lies to say Kortni will be a great mom and Gus gets up and hugs her. But wait! Turns out Kortni is lying! She’s not pregnant, you guys! She’s just sort of an assh*le. Oh, and after lying to her friends for sport, she then pontificates about how very much she’s grown before asking if they all feel like getting drunk later.

To celebrate that a woman who cannot spell “disease” isn’t bringing a child into this world, the group heads out for some day drinking. The mood is upbeat and it’s light and Kortni decides it’s the perfect time to try to end the fight with Candace because Candace really did show her kindness when she swore Kortni would be a good mother while crossing her fingers behind her back. Their truce involves a shot, a toast to repairing a friendship, and it all ends with neither puking all over the other so I’m feeling all kinds of optimistic. And then Kortni and Jeremiah stand together by the bar – he’s wearing what I’m convinced are glasses without actual lenses, she’s holding her sixty-fourth drink – and the rest of the group notices something maybe developing between these two and I really wish I could quickly gather everyone into a prayer circle right now so I could toss out the following wishes to whichever divine being is willing to listen at this point:

1. Please do not allow Kortni and Jeremiah to ever be together. There is a limit to that “opposites attract” bullsh*t and that limit involves the humungous divide between his level of normal and her level of willful insanity.

2. If they do become a couple, please Lord, make Codi snore more loudly than he ever has before so no sex can take place.

3. And finally? Please allow Congress to pass some f*cking common sense gun laws quickly because watching the end of this episode and knowing Logan is watching it too is making me seriously frightened for everyone involved.

Amen.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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