Reality Steve

Floribama Shore

“Floribama Shore” – Nell Kalter’s Finale Recap

Kortni finally agrees to go back to the bar with Candace and the girls drink more, ride the mechanical bull, twerk terribly on dance floors, and mull over the exact percentage of how wrong it was for Aimee to lunge at Gus with her fists because she was mad. Meanwhile, the guys have picked up some girls and I can only wonder about the alcohol count racing through the bloodstream of the unfortunate person who kissed Jeremiah while he wore a pink romper and signed a release that allowed MTV to broadcast that moment to the world.

In the morning, Gus wakes up feeling sad that his relationship with Aimee has devolved so significantly and Aimee wakes up feeling calmer because, much like a virus, her rage only remains enflamed for a finite number of hours. All she feels now is shame, but it will take her the entire way home to figure out how she should apologize for her behavior. Before that apology can occur, the roommates have to clean up pots filled with moldy food they left on the kitchen table for no good reason whatsoever and Candace needs to call Gator – also for no good reason whatsoever. But wait! Candace does have a good reason for calling this f*cking assh*le and it’s to discuss what her friend told her mother about the way Gator assaulted Candace! To nobody’s surprise, Candace is nervous bringing the incident up and also to nobody’s surprise, Gator first grunts in response and then blathers out – and I f*cking quote – “She’s lyin’. If I was gonna hit ya, I would’ve hit ya.” F*ck. This. F*cking. Guy. And f*ck anyone who puts this man on television again because his existence alone is repulsive.

As for my response to Aimee, my heart has changed from being blackened and shut off and it’s now pink and fluffy and it breaks for her. She feels humiliated by her actions against Gus but she truly has no idea how to formulate an apology. She finds Gus in the kitchen and manages to apologize fully for her actions. “I don’t expect you to forgive me,” Aimee says. “But I want you to know I am so sorry and I’m so embarrassed on the way that I acted.” Listen, a far as apologies go, Aimee made a good one. Though the event never should have transpired in the first place, Gus forgives her and they end what was once a battle with a hug.

The girls go out for some drinks later and Nilsa asks Candace about the possibility of a future with a man who has a proclivity for violence. Candace admits she was put off by the way Gator brushed off the discussion of his assault, but she also wonders what other man will ever want to marry her besides Gator? Candace? Please listen to me this second. A ton of men who would never even dream of harming you will want to marry you, and if they don’t, it is better to be alone until the very last millisecond of f*cking time than it would be to spend your life with a man who laughs at you and at your mother and grips his hands across your throat when he gets upset. I am very pleased to say Candace’s female roommates agree with me.

Sure, it would be lovely if the Summer Finale of this series ended with Candace summoning the strength to leave Gator, but MTV doesn’t play that way. So let’s head straight to the bar where Logan and his festering wrath are waiting to make the claim that his probably-still unemployed ass now has big things going on (anyone else just assume these “big things” are meth deals?) and he needs Kortni to know that she is now on a deadline. She only has three days – three! – to beg for him to return to her now that he has signed an imaginary record deal and, by the way, he is totally normal and not coked up in the slightest so he will now prove it by offering Kirk a job that doesn’t exist and then he will scream into Jeremiah’s face that he is nothing but a tourist in his city and he owns this very bar because one of the most enjoyable effects of what I’m guessing is cocaine addiction are delusions of grandeur. And after Kortni walks outside and throws a drink on him for behaving like a psychopath and for antagonizing her closest friends, Logan responds by attempting to slam his fists into her friends’ faces.

I’m guessing this little incident is perhaps the impetus of the restraining order that was eventually filed against Logan. I’m also guessing Logan’s steadfast refusal to abide by the terms of that order will be covered next season on a show that continually illustrates why no woman should ever again just shrug and simply hope things will get better with a man who is depleted of dignity and is powered instead by a penchant for abuse.

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