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THE BACHELOR RECAP - 4/21/08

2008-04-22T08:39:00.001-07:00

-You’d probably expect me to start out this column with a quick summary of the “Rock of Love” reunion show. And you’d be right. Just know that I was extremely disappointed because if there is a reunion show edited more than the “Women Tell All”, it’s this one. It was almost nauseating how many things were cut off in that show. It almost seems like the unedited version would’ve been much more entertaining to watch. The only interesting thing that happened on the reunion was Heather and Daisys beatdown, and we saw that in the previews the previous week. And oh yeah, Brett telling us he slept with Daisy the night before he eliminated her. Awesome. There’s two ways to look at that. Either he really hadn’t made up his mind who to choose and wanted to see if laying pipe to her would help make his decision easier, or, he did what 99% of guys in America would do. I’m guessing it was the latter. The guy knew he could get laid, so he did. Not the first time it’s ever happened, and it certainly won’t be the last. And I fully expect to see a “Rock of Love 3” in the near future.

-Took Maddie to a dog park for the first time this weekend. She really seemed to like it. Very few times has she been outside and off her leash, so even though some of the other dogs freaked her out, I think she had a good time. Well, I’d say that only one of the other dogs freaked her out. How do I know this? Because on three different occasions he tried to have sex with her. Apparently Maddie was the Paris Hilton of the dog park on Sunday. I have no idea what kind of dog this was that was trying to hump dog. A horn dog I guess. Ha ha….get it? Horn dog? Trying to backdoor Maddie? I kill myself sometimes. All I know was his name was “Baxter”, since his owner couldn’t stop yelling his name every time got up on his hind legs and started thrusting. Hey Baxter, quit trying to screw my dog. She’s very much a prude and not into you. She ain’t giving it up to your horny ass. Maddie’s fixed, so I don’t have anything to worry about in that area, but, it was still embarrassing to watch. Control your dog, sir. Seeing how bothered I got when Baxter the sex fiend even approached Maddie, I can’t wait til I have a daughter. I’m sure I’ll be doing background checks on every guy she’s interested in.

-On a side note, I just want to mention that yesterday around 3:00, the power went out in my apartment. Figured it was just temporary and would come back on, but when it didn’t after two hours, I called the electric company and they told me a power circuit was accidentally cut and that they couldn’t fix it until after 2:00 today. Gee thanks. So not only did Maddie and I have to pack up and stay at my dad’s last night, I also ended up having to watch the “Bachelor” at work, type it this morning at his house, and I missed all my shows last night since my dad has yet to join us in the 21st century and get a DVR or VCR. So I missed “The Hills”. Not like there was much to miss. I’ll just wait til “US Weekly” arrives and read about what’s going on in their lives right now since the show is about 2 months behind. But I’m livid that I missed the return of “Gossip Girl”. Especially considering they’re not streaming these last 5 episodes online. So unless someone puts the whole thing up on YouTube, I’m sh** out of luck. Or a nice summary would be good. Whew. Ok, lets get on to last nights disappointment.

-Last week in the previews, we got to see Meepers “mother” hitting on Matt by sitting close to him and rubbing his chest. Well, when the show started and they teased what was coming up, they took it a step further, and they showed her kissing him and telling him how good he smelled. At that point, I hope all of you realized it was going to be a fake. I don’t care how drunk any mother got, there’s no way that the first time her daughter brings a guy home, any mother would do that. I still really don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I understand it was a prank, but, considering we never heard her real parents even speak and have no idea if her parents got along with Matt, I wonder if it was all worth it. I do know one thing: Matt’s an idiot for actually thinking that was real. If the woman actress wasn’t so completely over-the-top, I can maybe see where he could’ve fallen for it. But since she acted like a drunken floozy, I couldn’t believe he took her seriously.

-For the first hometown date, Matt took a limo down the hill from Hollywood and met Shayne’s parents in L.A. Had to meet daddy Lorenzo and mommy whatever separately because they don’t live together anymore. They’re divorced. Seems that Lorenzo has commitment issues considering that’s happened to him four times. Well, it’s either a commitment issue or he’s just no different than any other Hollywood actor who takes pride in being a fountain of sperm for numerous other women. Good example for your daughter, Lorenzo. I think the question of the night after seeing both of Shayne’s parents was, “Who’s had more work done to their face?” Lorenzo definitely is drinking from the fountain of youth every morning, and Shayne’s mom looks like a bloated Dina Lohan. And I’m sorry, but the lifestyle that Shayne has led up to this point, and the example set forth by her parents, are we honestly supposed to believe she’s ready to settle down and get married at 22? Please. Lorenzo tells us last night he got married at 21, and that was too young. Ummmm, ok. So if your daughter gets hitched at 22, it wouldn’t be? Made no sense.

-Matt has trouble pronouncing Lorenzo’s last name before he showed up. Kept calling him “Mr. La-MAHZ”. No, you idiot. It’s “Lamas”. Go rent “Grease” you stupid Brit. Or watch an American television show once every blue moon. Hell, Matt claims to had never even seen the “Bachelor” before coming on it. Whatever. I was just in awe of Lorenzo appearing on camera for the first time since, well, ever. What in the world did he have around his belt? He had like nine things latched on to him? Is that so his body doesn’t fall apart from all the construction work he’s had done? Immediately, Lorenzo gets to the nuts and bolts of Shayne being on the show. Lo’: “The idea of being on TV is what was important to Shayne….she wants to be an actress, but she also wants to be a star.” Uhhh, ok. Couldn’t have said it better myself. This didn’t make Shayne happy that dad let the cat out of the bag. Of course she denied it until she was blue in the face saying that she was here for Matt and only Matt. This man. The Brit. Whom I have nothing in common with other than we’re both appearing on a reality dating show together. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a 180 on Shayne since the show started. I like her way better than I did when the season first started. There’s just no way you’ll convince me she’s ready to get married right now, and to Matt of all people. Not a chance.

-Time for daddy Lo and Matt to sit down and have a little pow-wow. It was at this point, I thought Lorenzo would break out the resume and start quizzing Matt on his “Falcon Quest” days, and whether or not Sandy should’ve chosen him over Danny Zucko the Scientologist. But he didn’t. They had more important matters to attend to. And that was whether or not Matt was boning his daughter. Lorenzo: “Don’t toy with Shayne’s feelings.” Matt said that’s totally not the case. And chose his words so very carefully. “I wouldn’t screw around with her emotions.” Very eloquent Matt. I’m sure you scored points with Mr. Lamaze Class. All in all, it was pretty uneventful with Lorenzo, Matt, and Shayne. She tried to convince Matt and her dad she was there for the right reasons, Matt acted like he believed it, and Lorenzo got some face time for what I’m sure is some sort of reality show that he’ll eventually end up pitching to the networks.

(Speaking of pitching reality shows, I’m sure you all have heard by now that Heidi and Spencer want their own spin off of the “Hills” where it would follow them as they plan their wedding. And then in subsequent seasons would follow them during their time of marital bliss. Of course, everyone and their mother is tired of these two and just wants to see them go away and can’t believe they’d get their own show. Well, first off, I’m here to tell you, I guarantee these two get a spin off show. I’d be shocked if they didn’t. And secondly, I think it’s a brilliant idea we should all embrace. Let me tell you why. You do realize that MTV is 3-for-3 in ruining marriages when it comes to these types of shows, don’t you? Nick and Jessica are done, Carmen and Dave never lasted, and Travis Barker and Shana Moakler pretty much ended up hating each other. So Heidi and Spencer now want their own “newlywed” type spin off? I say bring it on. It’ll guarantee these two will be off our televisions and out of our lives within a couple years).

-Time now to meet Shayne’s mom and sister. I didn’t catch either one of their names, so I’ll have to describe them for you. As I said earlier, her mom is a bigger, more tricked out version of Dina Lohan, without the horrible parenting skills. As far as we know. And her younger sister, who I’m guessing wasn’t more than 18 years old, had a some Wonder Woman type head band on. Or something you’d wear to Woodstock. I don’t know what it was other than she looked ridiculous in it. I was half expecting her to have a tye-dyed shirt on and smoking a peace pipe. By the way, Shayne’s mom must be an interior decorator in her spare time with the way she fixed her place up. Looked nice if you’re into the “Animal Kingdom” type look. She had more leopard prints in her house than the San Diego Zoo. And she’s also one of those moms that dresses up her dogs. They had a dog named Madison she put in a pink tutu. That’s just disgusting. I know I’m just only a month into owning a dog, but dressing up Maddie has never crossed my mind and never will. Must be a chick thing. I can’t imagine any male on this planet with a set of testicles actually is the one who thinks up the idea to dress their dog. Gotta be a chick thing.

-Dinner time. The bloated Dina Lohan whips up some roast beef with Yorkshire pudding to make Matt feel at home. Or constipated. Actually, I shouldn’t say that since I’ve never tried it. It just looked like it could be used as a laxative. The whole time at the dinner table, all I could focus on was Bloated Lohan’s horrible lip stick job she had going on. That’s a good look for you? Really? Says who, the Joker? Crazy moms never cease to amaze me. Can’t imagine why her and Lorenzo couldn’t make things work out. Seem so normal and down-to-earth. Neither of them comes across as having a very high opinion of themselves at all. Two completely grounded parents that raised their kids the right way. Oh, did I mention in the next scene, Momma Lohan takes Matt into the back room, breaks out the video from when Shayne was in a dancing recital, and tells Matt he’ll never find anyone better than that? Yeah, it happened. Who did Matt say earlier this year was a couple sandwiches short of a picnic? Shayne? Hmmmm….Apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree in that family. And in case you missed it, Matt called Shayne his little monkey. Did these two watch "Rock of Love" together. Please don't tell me that's some sort of term of endearment for the Brits. My little monkey? I personally think it can only mean one thing? They have hot monkey sex together.

-I loved Shayne’s younger sister, still in her teens by the way, giving Shayne relationship advice. “Are you in love with him? Just be honest with yourself. You don’t want to end up getting hurt.” What? This pip squeak who probably just had her first period last week is now handing out relationship advice? I’m sure Shayne will take that to heart. Go put your underoos back on and play with Strawberry Shortcake. Shayne has a man to service. Back downstairs, Momma Lohan is grilling Matt on what it would be like to be the husband of a Hollywood starlet. Or D-list actress which is what Shayne is probably going to end up as. “Are you going to be able to handle it when you accompany Shayne to a movie premiere and she’s kissing another man onscreen?” Ummmm, the answer to that would be “no” since Shayne won’t be doing any red carpet movie premieres in my lifetime or yours. And the only kissing she’ll being onscreen is with other women and the pizza guy in something titled “Hot Slice of Ass”.

-Next up was Chelsea’s hometown date in Durango, Colorado. I’d really like to talk about what happened – if anything did. Considering they gave Shayne and her hometown date two segments, I had a feeling one girl was gonna get short changed tonight. And that was Chelsea. I honestly think her hometown date may have lasted five minutes total. We basically saw nothing other than her mom, her dad, dinner, and two conversations. So that could mean either one of two things: Either Chelsea’s safe for the finals so they don’t need to show us all that much, or, she was going home tonight so why bother with a bunch of meaningless footage? And since we all know the answer to that question now, it’s safe to say, “America voted….and Chelsea….you are safe. Go have a seat on the couch next to Jason Castro’s unwashed dreadlocks. And Syesha’s afro puffs.”

-At dinner, Chelsea is explaining to her parents how her and Matt are just so much alike and they get each other. “I noticed his sarcastic sense of humor….I just don’t get his jokes sometimes because I don’t speak British.” Wow. Maybe Chelsea’s the one who’s a couple sandwiches short of a picnic? Or is about a sharp as a beach ball. Or isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Or not playing a with a full deck. Ok, I can’t think of any more. This hometown date was really boring. I really mean it when I say nothing happened. There was no controversy, no actors hired as parents, no nosy questions by siblings – nothing. Just the same ol’ “I’m afraid of opening up and possibly getting hurt” b.s. that Chelsea has been saying since day one. No surprise there. However, at the end of the night, Matt tells us “I realized what a great couple Chelsea and I could make”. Based on what? I couldn’t tell anything from that hometown nonsense. Maybe Matt and Chelsea pulled a Brett and Daisy, and we just don’t know about it.

-Next up, Matt gets on his bike and rides on over to Loveland, Colorado for his date with Noelle. I’m kidding. I have no idea how close Durango is to Loveland. Could be 10 minutes, could be 5 hours. No clue. All I know is Matt did some good, bold face lying on this date. Especially after hearing one of the first things he had to say coming into this date. “I know Shayne, Amanda, and Chelsea better than I know Noelle.” You could say that again. I’m surprised you even knew Noelle’s name considering the little amount of face time she’s received this season. But Noelle tries her best to make him forget that by coming up with this beauty. “You have all the sides I don’t really have. That means we compliment each other.” I think that was her way of saying, “Look, we’ve barely spoken in the time we’ve been in the house, you and I really aren’t all that compatible, and I’d be shocked if you even knew my name, but, let’s just start making out to pretend we like each other.” Yeah, that didn’t work so much. This date seemed all very forced to me.It was almost like she had to justify making the final four which she pretty much did. One of the more surprising girls who ever made the final four. I think in the first episode I’d predicted she’d go far, but, as weeks passed and we saw her less and less, made it even more suprising she got this far.

-This was also a big step for Noelle since she’s a prude….errr…..only allowed one other guy besides Matt to ever meet her parents. And she’s 26. That’s saying a lot. 26 years old and only one other guy has met her parents? Is Noelle a hermit? Does she ever date? Tell you what Noelle. How about I come to Loveland, Colorado and you let your parents meet me. If it wasn’t bizarre enough that you brought some limey home from a TV show, just wait til your conservative dad meets the guy you met on the computer. He’ll love me. All parents do. Although, I can’t ride a horse. I could probably learn, just never have. But if you want to go bareback on one, be my guest. Nobodys stopping you. Didn’t Bo Derek do that back in the day when she was hot? Now she looks like a leather jacket you laid out in the sun for a week. I have no idea what I’m talking about anymore.

-So the family and Matt sit outside to eat dinner which I’m sure consisted of deer skin, a couple rabbits, and some beaver pelts. Sounds yummy. Matt and Noelle’s dad get up from the dinner bench to go play a riveting game of horseshoes. As much as I like Noelle, I think her family might bore me to tears. Horseshoes? I tell you what Noelle, how about you and I just move away to like Hawaii or something, make a bunch of babies, and we’ll send pictures to your family? Sound fair? I think visiting them once every five to ten years would be sufficient enough. The thought of riding horses, playing pin the tail on the possum, and living like we’re in the Old West doesn’t appeal to me that much.

-So someone from Noelle’s family asks, “When you do marry, do you plan to live in England?” To them, living in England must seem like living in 2008. They must be ecstatic for their daughter, you know, if she were to get picked. “Do they have like computers and TV’s and running water in England?” Yeah pops, they do. And electricity to boot. Now go get your pan and keep mining for gold. “Someday, we goin’ be rich.” (Say that in your best prospectors voice. I did. It’s much funnier that way). When Matt was asked the question about living in England, I thought he gave a rather odd, and perverted, answer. “I don’t have to. I can live anywhere actually. I’m flexible. I can get my legs over my head as well.” Huh? Did you really need to throw that analogy in. Noelle’s dad can barely tolerate the fact his daughter is growing woman. Now you’re planting in his head that his daughter has sex outside of the missionary position? Oh lord. I’m surprised he didn’t keel over and die.

-Now its time for Noelle’s sisters to corner Matt and be nosy. They ask him if he’s falling for more than one girl. He answers honestly by saying yes. “Is our sister one of those girls?” Matt: “I’m bizarrely falling in love with more than one person. Noelle is one of those people.” Lie. No, he’s not. He said before the date he barely knows her. Now he’s falling in love with her? Bascially, if he answers that question, “No, your sister isn’t one of the ones I’m falling in love with”, then we know who’s going home that rose ceremony. Not that we didn’t already, but that would’ve been an even bigger giveaway. But the main reason why we knew this wasn’t going anywhere was because Noelle doesn’t open up enough. Or by her own words, “I have a hard time letting people in.” Hee hee….she said “letting people in.” She was talking about emotionally and making herself vulnerable and all that gushy stuff. I took it as a sex act because I’m a guy and that’s the way my brain functions 90% of the time. Ok, 99%. Noelle, how about you let me in and I won’t tell anyone else? Deal?

-Time now for the Meepers bizarre date. As I said earlier, I understand she was doing this as a prank. I guess my question is “Why?” Pranks are lighting a bag of dog crap on fire and ringing someone’s door bell. Pranks are toilet papering someone’s house. Do kids still do that nowadays? That was like the big thing in grammar school to toilet paper the hot girls house so she hated you even more. Either Matt’s gonna choose Meepers at the end and we’re all gonna look stupid for saying “I can’t believe she hired actors as her parents”, or this is going to completely backfire on her. I’m all for pranks, don’t get me wrong. I just didn’t understand the logic behind “testing” Matt with a fake, drunk, horny mom who hits on him. What exactly was she testing? To see if Matt would reciprocate and start feeling her “mom” up? Maybe her parents are real camera shy and wanted no part of talking on camera – which they were very good at.

-There really isn’t much to say about this hometown date because it was all fake. So I can’t comment on her “mom” rubbing Matt’s nipples since it wasn’t real. I can’t comment on her “mom” fake laughing uncontrollably at everything Matt said because it wasn’t real. The only thing to debate here is whether or not you thought it was a good idea. I’d like to hear your input. So feel free to leave comments on the page on whether or not: A) you thought that was a good prank, and B) if it was something you personally ever would’ve thought of doing with a boyfriend/girlfriend. I’d be interested to know people’s opinions on this. Personally, I thought it was dumb. I guess it would've been funnier if we didn't know beforehand they were actors, saw it play out, and THEN Meepers told us it was a joke. But when we knew from the beginning it was all staged, it kinda lost its luster. And just the motivation behind the prank was dumb. There's got to be a reason other than wanting to play a prank as to why Meepers chose to do this. This show has been on 15 seasons now with twelve bachelors and three bachelorettes. That’s the first time anybody made a joke out of their hometown date. She must be hiding something.

-Time for the rose ceremony. Matt has diarrhea of the mouth again. “I didn’t sleep a wink….this has been very difficult for me….amazing families….including your fake mom with the giant cans, Meepers….I’m humbled and privileged….thank each one of you for an amazing time so far…and Noelle, tell your pops I found this chunk of gold down by the river.”

-Of course Matt loved every minute of it. So he says. “That’s the best prank I’ve ever had done on me.” Is anyone beginning to question how Meepers even went about doing this? When exactly did she tell the producers, “Hey, for my hometown date, can you go hire a couple actors for me to play my parents. I think this’ll be a hoot. Matt will love it.” I guess if it makes for entertaining television, then ABC is all for it. But after 14 previous seasons of serious hometown dates, this one was completely out of left field. Maybe her family does actually live in a trailer and she was embarrassed. Kind of the same dilemma Andie felt when she tried to date Blaine. He was Mr. Richy Rich and she lived in a dump. I think one of my favorite lines in that movie was Blaine saying, “Hey, you wanna go home and change.” Andie: “I already did.” Ouch. As a guy, how do you recover from a comment like that. How’d she even still go out with him after that? Basically he just told her she looked ugly. That’s like asking a larger woman when her baby is due and she’s not even pregnant. You might as well just tuck your head between your legs and walk away after saying something like that. Probably isn’t a worse feeling in the world.

Shayne: Mr. Lamaze must be proud of his little girl. Now she’s got at least 7 episodes of TV credit she can add to her resume.

Amanda: Pranks are fun. Especially when MILF’s are rubbing your nipples and kissing up on you.

A little subdued Host Chris tonight. This time he takes a deep breath before uttering, “Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight.” What’s wrong Host Chris? Job stressing you out? You must be tired from all the work you did this week? It’s ok. Here’s a tissue. Go cry over in the corner.

Chelsea: The shortest hometown date ever and she gets a rose. I think that might be saying something.

-Considering it was pretty obvious who was going home, I wasn’t surprised to see Noelle not even shed a tear. “I’d say it was partially my fault. I’ll take some of the blame on this one for not opening up sooner. I should’ve let him in.” There she goes again with her sexual innuendos. Or maybe it’s just me. Whatever the case, Noelle sounded like the least disappointed girl ever eliminated in the final four. Which sucked. The only good thing to come out of this? I got Noelle’s photography website and I can now stalk her. Yippee. So if you see me on the news as “pervert tracks down reality TV contestant who gets eliminated”, be sure to tell a friend. I’m kidding. I won’t stalk Noelle. I might email her a few hundred times. But I won’t stalk her.

-So the overnight dates are in Barbados. According to Host Chris, “Shayne and Matt get sexy.” Are they bringing sexy back? “Amanda puts her heart on the line.” Does she fake kiss him and fake cry with him and fake telling him that she loves him? “And is the pressure finally getting to Chelsea”. Well, with that lead-in, I’m guessing Chelsea is safe for next week. They’re not gonna give it away in the previews. The one thing I was shocked about was them teasing the finale and them showing Matt on one knee with a ring. “Matt proposes to the love of his life.” Really? He’s gonna propose? Or is this a friendship ring? Or a “Hey, let’s make this look good for TV, we’ll try and keep dating, but when it fails, just know we made it look good for the viewing audience.” I’m shocked they haven’t been promoting this all season if that’s what really ends up happening. They did when Andy proposed to Tessa. We heard that from the first episode that we’d have a fairy tale ending. Of course, that lasted around five minutes when Tessa realized what a P.R. hound Andy is and that he liked chasing older skirt like Marla Maples. Weird.

-I’m off to California again this weekend for mom’s 60th birthday. Should be fun. We rented out Banquet Hall, hired a band and everything. Good times. I’m 1000% percent certain at some point during the night, my mom will bust out her tamborine and start playing it even though she has no formal training whatsoever. Happy 60th Mom. Until next week…..

THE BACHELOR RECAP - 4/14/08

2008-04-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

-Let’s just say that my new favorite line ever uttered in reality TV occurred Sunday night. Is there anything that could possibly beat Brett Michaels looking lovingly into a crying Ambre’s face and say, “Now let’s go have hot, monkey sex”? Didn’t think so. Find me a better line uttered on reality TV in the last 5 years. Bet you can’t. Maybe Sue Hawks speech in the first season of “Survivor”, but that’s about it. Nothing tugs at the heart strings more than two people obviously in love talking about having monkey sex. Really gets me every time. I almost feel those two were put on this earth to eventually end up together. What a beautiful couple. And if you think that the phrase “hot, monkey sex” won’t be referenced another 10 times in this column, then you apparently don’t know me. In fact, I’m almost positive I’ve used that phrase before in this column. But it just doesn’t have the same effect as when Brett tells it to his final suitor and they walk off into the sunset together. Because you know they did. A lot of it. test

-And in case you haven’t read the most recent interview with Brett and Ambre, they are still together, but just dating. Brett Michaels actually may have uttered the smartest thing ever said by anyone that ever appeared on a reality dating show before. In case you missed it, here’s how he summed up where he and Ambre are at right now:

“I found someone who is really nice and cool and gets rock ‘n’ roll. We can see when it goes from here. I said this from day one: I went into this to have fun and maybe find someone to like. True love is not going to be found instantly on a TV show. That is only for scripted shows. … Anyone thinking they are going into a TV show finding love, they might find someone that they like and eventually learn to like them more. I think finding true love, I never went in with that intent.”

If you want to hear what Ambre has to say, go to this link:

http://blog.vh1.com/2008-04-13/the-celebreality-interview-ambre/

And here's her MySpace page in case you want to see more of her posing half naked:

http://www.myspace.com/ambrelake

Holy crap! I’m blown away. Did he really just make complete sense? Did he really just put into words exactly what I’ve said about the Bachelor for the last, oh I don’t know, 10 seasons? Brett Michaels, the thinker? No way! I’m gonna keep using exclamation points! Exactly right. You’re not picking who you’ve fallen in love with. You’re picking who you like the most out of the 25 people ABC hand picked for you, and THEN deciding if it’s gonna be anything more than that. I just can’t believe someone as horny, drugged out, and disease infested as him was actually able to understand the reality TV dating world. Amazing. And oh yeah, he also said in the same interview that he’d “never say never” to a 3rd season. So, I guess we can expect that in the fall when Ambre gets the TV hosting gig she’s looking for out of this show, refuses to move to L.A., and gets on with her life. But I’m glad he at least picked her. I mean, a 37 year old cougar with a career, or a 25 year old stripper? And let’s not forget the 37 year old went panty-less on their final date, told him about it, then showed him Sharon Stone style. Hmmmm….tough one.

-Onto last night, where in our fantasy world of Matt and his six suitors, they are all headed to Sun Valley, Idaho for some skiing. There will be a two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Immediately, Shayne is fired up to be going skiing. Why? “I ski really well. I want to show Matt my ski skills.” And what may those be? I wonder if that has anything to do with her half naked in the snow? Or maybe her skills are completely non-sexual and what Shayne is referring to is her ability to talk openly about the Hillary vs. Obama race, and the ramifications it’ll have on our economy should either get elected President? All while wearing earmuffs, a parka, and snow boots. Who are we kidding? She’s talking about hot monkey sex in front of a snowman. Oh boy. It’s already starting.

-Matt admits to being a skiier himself having tried it in France, but hasn’t done it in the states yet. Ooooooh, big difference. Snow in France is, like, totally different than snow in the United States. I think the French snow is all cold and stuff. And has bad hygiene. And is rude. Whatever the case, immediately the snow fights break out when they get there. So much fun. Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! But Debbie Downer Marshanna doesn’t want to get involved. “I look fabulous in my outfit as it is. I don’t want to mess it up.” You know what I’ve been able to catch on to these last couple episodes regarding Marshanna? I don’t know if you’ve been able to detect this, but I have. She sure has a high f***ing opinion of herself that I’m guessing 99% of people watching don’t agree with. Just an observation.

-It is revealed that Chelsea gets the first 1-on-1 date. But Matt tells everyone watching was his mission is in Sun Valley, Idaho. “My mission is to get these six women down to four and decide whose hometowns I want to visit.” Thank you for clarifying that Matt. Without that bit of knowledge, I would’ve been totally confused as to what the hell I was about to watch. So six minus two equals four. And those four you will visit their hometown? Got it. A little tough. Had to run it through a few theorems, and match it up with the Theory of Relativity, but I think I got it now. You Brits are some smart chaps, I tell ya’.

-Matt’s biggest concern with Chelsea, other than where they are going to have hot monkey sex in the dead of winter, is that he wants to see if they have more than the best friend thing going. You know, if she’ll open up more. Be a little more romantic. Show a sexual side she hasn’t really shown yet. Kinda to let him know, “Hey big boy, look at me. Come over here” kinda thing. Basically, he wants to know if this chick is a c**k tease. Plain and simple. And apparently she is. Chelsea admits public displays of affection are a pet peeve of hers. She doesn’t like holding hands. She knows it’s a weird phobia, but that she just can’t do it. She’ll lock arms with you, and let you put your hand around her waist, maybe grab her ass a few times, but, hand holding? No sir. She’s scared of that. It is at this time that I must announce I would never be able to date Chelsea. Sorry babe. Just wouldn’t work between us. I know, I know, I know. It’s tough. Be calm. But if you can’t hold my hand because you’re scared, then that’s ridiculous and lame. And I’ll go find someone who will. And who isn’t a c**k tease.

-Matt doesn’t seem bothered by this at all. “I don’t think Chelsea’s playing hard to get. I don’t think she’s not being forthcoming. I think she’s just being honest.” She is. I agree. And with that, you will leave with the biggest set of blue balls you’ve ever experienced. Have fun with that, lad. Maybe in England, that kinda stuff is encouraged. Not here in the states pal. Women like that are immediately dropped into the “friend” category. You get this, right? You should make her some tea, down a few crumpets, then send her on her way with a nice “Cheerio”, and be done with it. Only because I said so and that she’ll be available to others. Like me. Am I flip flopping now on Chelsea after I just said she should be in the friend category? Yes. But only to confuse Matt. It’s kind of like the reverse psychology I’m throwing at him. Let’s see if he falls for my master plan. Or if those meddling kids and their dog in the “Mystery Machine” van ruin everything. Where was I?

-The one thing I could do without on this snow filled Idaho date? Everyone having bright red cheeks. They all look toasted. So these two Santa Clauses finally get inside, and Matt starts trying his own psychology on Chelsea. And I can’t say I don’t fault him for it. “I think you can be romantic.” If only he had a necklace or a locket that he could swing in front her face like that one monster did to Daphne. I can’t believe I just had two Scooby Doo references in the last two paragraphs. Whatever the case, his mind screwing is working. Chelsea: “I have a shy side, I have a vulnerable side, but I do have a romantic side. I’ll embrace it.” Wow. That sh** works? Really? All I have to do is tell some chick over and over again what I want her to do and then she’ll eventually convince herself to do it? Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier? I totally would’ve untied her. Moving on….

-Too many mind games going on during this date. Now Chelsea wants to spend more time with Matt, but rather than waiting until possibly getting to the final three for the fantasy suite, she decides to create her own. So with the help of the creative ABC writing team, and the geniuses behind those crafty fantasy suite invitations from Host Chris, Chelsea decides to make her own telling Matt she’d like to go back to his place tonight and spend some more time with him. If you looked closely enough at the card, you could see at the bottom, it ended with “And let’s have hot monkey sex”. Ok, it didn’t. But it did say, “I’d like to get to know you in other ways.” Which of course translated means: “Let’s have hot monkey sex.” Chelsea isn’t fooling anyone here. Maybe she thought since she pulled a fast one and was creating her own fantasy date, the cameras wouldn’t follow her. Uhhhh, not quite honey. Those cameras are everywhere. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t get to edit you to their liking.

-Up next is the group date with Marshanna, Robin the Hated One, Meeper the Roadrunner, and Shayne, who I gotta say is growing on me. And by that I mean, my pants start growing when I see her. I know. Totally inappropriate. Don’t mind me. I’m in a weird mood tonight. And by weird, I mean horny. Anyway, at least I’m not alone. Matt is obviously looking to snog someone in the mountains. Matt: “Today I’m dating four women….two of which are virgins….on the snow.” Tell me that guy wasn’t completely giddy when he said that? So funny, Matt. You should try stand up. Totally had me fooled on that. I really thought you were talking about them being virgins in the sexual way, then you sprung on me with that great comedic timing of yours, that you were talking about being novices when it comes to skiing. So clever.

-Matt’s horniness is getting worse as the day is long. He told the Meeper she had a sexy ass. And not to worry about poles….except his. Or something like that. Ms. Meep was completely sold on him: “It was so great how Matt was teaching me….awwww…..he’ll be such a good dad.” What?!! Because he was teaching you how to not fall down that makes him a good dad? How about when I help the old lady with the groceries cross the street? Does that mean I’ll be a good husband? Yes it does. There. I answered my own question. But Matt helping you ski doesn’t mean he won’t teach your child to become a bumbling horny Brit when he grows up. You might need to rethink that one Roadrunner.

-Here’s a shocker: Marshanna’s a terrible skiier. I never would’ve guessed it. I thought black people loved the cold. And ice sports. Hmmmm. Weird. And because she was terrible, and kept falling down, and Matt had to keep looking at her so pathetically, Marshanna is disappointed that she didn’t get any quality 1-on-1 time with Matt. No, you didn’t. But that’s probably a good thing. You know why? Because I didn’t really want to see quality Matt/Marshanna smoochie smooch time. Might’ve made me heave up my dinner. And lunch.

-Shaynes turn to show Matt her snowboarding “skills”. He’s impressed since he can’t snowboard. So what does Shayne do? Falls down on purpose so he’ll help her with her tongue, which seems to have mysteriously landed in his mouth. And boy did it look cold out there. I was afraid these twos mouths might’ve stuck together like the kid in a “Christmas Story” who got stuck to the flagpole. You know that kid ended up getting into porn, don’t you? Scott Schwartz was his name. Maybe the whole flagpole thing traumatized him for life. Whatever the case, his career went nowhere after that movie. As did pretty much everyone else’s. Which is weird considering it’s the greatest Christmas movie ever made. Hands down, bar none, not even close. “Daddy’s gonna kill Ralphie!” Back to 2008, Matt is still horny. “Shayne is like my little snow monkey today.” He said monkey, which means he was thinking hot monkey sex. Or I was. One of the two. And oh yeah, Shayne brought her blush brush and eyeliner in her jacket pockets for skiing. High maintenance much? Hey, at least she admits it. And yes, they’re still growing.

-Robin decides to piss Shayne off again by butting into her makeout session with Matt. This will make her even more well liked in the house. Since Noelle gets the last 1-on-1, Robin is the only girl remaining who never had a 1-on-1 with Matt, which basically means, ummmm, well, you can probably figure it out. But she wants to know why he never selected her for one. Matt tap danced around the question about as well as Fred Astaire. Said something about how even though they’ve never had an official one, they’ve always managed to sneak off for some alone time so in his eyes, that was good enough. Translation: Sweetie, I didn’t want to give you a 1-on-1 date because you would’ve wasted my time. Your troll-like features are frightening me too. And so does your underbite. Cheerio!

-Time for Noelle’s 1-on-1 date on an ice skating rink that, I must say, was rather boring. The only thing to come out of this date was we find out that both Matt and Noelle have scars on their faces from previous accidents. Matt doesn’t talk about his or where his scar is. I can’t see it either which bothered the hell out of me. Noelle didn’t show her scar, but we were told it was from a car crash she was in. So then the conversation took the obvious turn of, “Life’s too short, appreciate what you have, I’m grateful and thankful - now let’s kiss”. And they did. This date was actually eerily similar to the one that Firestone had with the chick who told him that Olive Garden was her favorite restaurant. Completely forgot her name, but she looked like a mouse. I think. Now I’m getting confused. Anyway, I was hoping and praying that Noelle would bust out with “I totally love eating at Macaroni Grill. That’s like my most favorite Italian place”. I would’ve married Noelle if she broke that out in conversation.

-Now since Noelle’s date was pretty uneventful, it’s time for ABC billed as the most “dramatic confrontation in Bachelor history”. And if there’s something dramatic going on with the girls, you knew that Marshanna and her clapping was gonna be behind it. I was fully expecting the finger wag, but no, Marshanna went with the two handed clap, which might’ve been the most annoying thing I’ve ever seen a woman do during an argument. Well, other than open her mouth. Marshanna feels Chelsea’s attacking her character when she says that Marshanna is so negative about being there. This turns Marshanna into screaming black woman: “You will not misquote me Chelsea!!!…I never said that….(clapping )….Walk off!!! Walk off!!!! Walk off!!! Walk off!!!!…(clapping)….If you’re not ready to deal with it, then don’t bring it up!!!…(clapping )….” Repeat that about ten times with the voice getting louder and louder, and that’s how Marshanna argues. Needless to say, it wasn’t very effective. There isn’t anything more annoying than people who think they can win an argument by raising their voice the most. Idiots.

-Marshanna the Narcissist has officially kicked in. “The girls bringing up I’m a negative person is a shock to me. I’m a great person. I’m nice, I’m friendly, I’m loving, I’m so giving, I’m thoughtful, I’m charitable (are you done yet?). I’m a great person and no one can convince me otherwise.” And why would anyone want to? Clearly, you are the queen of all arguments, so no one would be stupid enough to get in there and trade with you. Especially someone who comes into the argument looking to make a point by using logic. That seems like it would kind of just get thrown out the window when it comes to you. Why would you ever want to debate with someone looking to make sense when all you like to do is yell, clap, probably stomp your feet, and repeat the same inane statement over and over. Walk off? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before. I thought it was “Step off, bitch!” Maybe I’m out of the loop now. Anyway, Marshanna came off looking horrible last night, through no fault of her own.

-Back to the boring date that is Noelle and Matts. He asks her if she could ultimately be in London or California. Noelle lies and says, “As crazy as it would be - yes.” You know how I know she lied? Because the next thing she tells us is Matt would only be the 2nd guy she’s ever taken to meet her parents. So this girl who obviously hasn’t had too many relationships in her life, is now confident enough to tell her parents that the guy she met on TV, she’s going to move to London for? Uh huh. Sure she is. What is she going to do about her photography and acting career? Then their conversation turns dirty. Noelle: “I consider you trouble. Trouble is someone who has the ability to get in.” Gulp. Hot monkey sex anyone?

-On their final attempts to win Matt over before he sends the two most obvious people home, Marshanna lays it all out there. She told Matt about her one sided screaming match with Chelsea the night previous. Matt: “I’m really impressed by you.” I guess Matt decided taking the PC route would be much better than feeling the wrath of Marshanna the Screaming Clapping Idiot. I don’t understand what the clapping accomplishes. It’s not like she was talking to a 3 year old trying to get their attention. I think its safe to say that if any woman ever clapped at me during an argument, we’d be done about two seconds after that. No clapping please. And no clap. That wouldn’t be good. Good thing Chelsea came in and stole Matt away. Marshanna didn’t like that: “We didn’t get a chance to kiss. I love the way Matt kisses.” Well, we don’t like watching you two kiss. If that’s what you want to call it. I’d call it more of Marshannas lips raping Matt’s fish mouth.

-So not like Chelsea was in any sort of trouble about getting sent home, but she figured she’d just stick it to Marshanna one last time. Matt tells her, “I like holding hands….I want to know you can deal with that.” I’m not sure if she even gave an answer to that question, I just know they started making out. I think he’s gotten over the whole holding hands thing. I know he likes to do it, but c’mon buddie. As long as she’s an acrobat in the sack, are you really concerned with whether or not you can grab her hand on a ferris wheel? Or that you walk into “Made of Honor” looking like two 8th graders? Please. Get your priorities straight, chap. Because I certainly do.

-Robin gets one last shot and pretty much wasn’t able to take the hint. “I want Matt to kiss me tonight….and I get what I want.” So they’re sitting there, and she tells him, “I want you to meet my family.” Did you notice he never addressed that? He responded with something to the effect of, “Your family really tells a lot about a person blah blah blah…” If he wanted to meet her family, he would’ve given some hint of “Yeah, that’d be great. Never been to Michigan before. Would love to see if the rest of your family are trolls just like yourself.” But no, he didn’t. He just went with the generic “Family is important” stuff. And that’s never a good thing. Especially when Robin still hadn’t had a 1-on-1. Please. One of the more obvious rose ceremonies they’ve ever had.

-Rose Ceremony begins, and for the first time this season, Matt has diarrhea of the mouth. Good God, he wouldn’t shutup. “Thank you for the time in Sun Valley….fun time getting to know you….tugged at my heart….family is important….I’ll be honored and privileged……Now, walk off Marshanna!!!!”

Shayne: She was happy he picked her first. I don’t know what meaning that had other than maybe….forget it. It was going to be perverted and you’ve had enough of that this week.

Noelle: Process of elimination.

Chelsea: What if he’s holding her hands while he’s proposing to her? Would that make her say no?

Host Chris says this is the final rose tonight. So Matt, “whenever you’re ready. Even though you probably knew you’d be going to see the Meepers family a week ago.”

Meeper: Maybe I’m just dumb, but when she made the comment about her family living in a double wide trailer, was she kidding? Guess we’ll find out next week.

-Marshanna wasn’t as dramatic as I thought she’d be when she left. “Before the last rose was given out, I was thinking, ‘Call my name! Call my name!’” Hey, wasn’t that a Destiny’s Child song? Marshanna continues to talk about what a catch she is. “I’m still 100% the lady I was when I arrived. I’m still fabulous.” You know what was fabulous? You finally getting your ass booted from this show. Good riddance. And quit telling us how fabulous you are. Tina Fabulous is getting jealous.

-Robin looked like she was going to stab Matt in the heart with a ballpoint pen. Geez, she wasn’t too thrilled. She walked up to him and said “Bon soir.” Which if I have my translator working correctly meant, “Us trolls having feelings too, you know.” Matt didn’t seem to care. She left in a pouty bitter way which is what we all expected. And I’m sure she’ll be an even bigger ball of sunshine once the “Women Tell All” rolls around. I’m sure she will have gotten over it by then since she’s so level headed.

-Hometown dates next week and we catch a glimpse of what to expect from the four girls families:

Shayne - Four words: LORENZO IN THE HOUSE!!!! I could only hope that he and Olivia Newton John re-create their magic from the scene at the malt shop.

Chelsea - Her dad wants her to open up and not be afraid. Shocker. Which would be another thing letting Matt do to her that might help her chances. Let’s move on.

Noelle - Her father is very conservative and questions meeting someone on a TV show. Always one of those jaded parents every season. When are they going to learn? Don’t they realize how successful this show has been producing such long term relationships?

Meeper - Ummmmm, I’m about as excited for this hometown date as I’ve ever been. Last season, that one chicks lunatic mom was forcing her daughter down Brad’s throat. Meepers mom? Well, looks like she wants him all to herself as she rubs her hand on his chest and feels his nipples. You think Amanda catching a glimpse of that might throw her into hours of stress induced hiccupping? I can’t wait. Until next week….

The Bachelor Links

THE BACHELOR RECAP - 4/7/08

2008-04-08T09:52:00.001-07:00

-Great to be in town. Sleeping my own bed. Dealing with a functioning television that lets me skip commercials. And having Maddie by my side. She was ecstatic to see me and I don’t think has gotten off the bed since I got home on Sunday except for the times we go for walks. And starting today at 1:30, for the next 8 weeks, we begin obedience classes. I haven’t really had any obedience problems with her at all since she’s very much an indoor dog. I just figured it was the right thing to do. Can I have the instructor teach Maddie that, although I have no problem with her sleeping in my bed at night, could she learn to move over a little bit at times so she’s not taking up all my space? Can these obedience classes teach her to not snore so loud? That would sure help. Whatever the case, it should be fun. I’m just curious why it would take them 8 weeks to help me train my dog who pretty much loves sleeping on my bed or on the couch? I guess they’re just milking me for every dollar they can.

-So in the reality television dating world, three things came to light this week. On “Rock of Love 2” we learned that Daisy the hooker is Oscar De La Hoya’s niece. Well, internet goons like myself knew this about a month ago, but Sunday was the first time she revealed it to everyone else. Why she did that, I have no idea. Other than she’s a 5 foot nothing, 100 lb, DD’d idiot who can’t be taken seriously. She is by far the only female in reality TV history that I could honestly say I hate. That girl has zero redeeming qualities. She’s ugly, she’s a stripper, and the way she talks is about as annoying as it can get. The other thing we learned from a “Rock of Love” contestant was that Ambre hosts a TV show, which is why she had to lie about her age. Of course no one could’ve ever believed she was 32 anyway, but she still lied and said she was. Immediately when I heard this, I ran to the internet and found out she hosts a local TV show in Chicago on home and lifestyles or something. Then if you did deeper, you’ll see she has an IMDB page which has her as the wedding coordinator in “Sweet Home Alabama” amongst her credits. Don’t know. Didn’t see it. Remember, it’s a chick flick. Refer to last week’s column for the reasoning behind that. So it’s down to two: Daisy the 22 year old stripper, or Ambre the 37 year old actress vying for 44 year old Brett’s heart. Ummmmm, I don’t know either. Those two couldn’t possibly be any more different. It’s Ambre in a heartbeat for me, but I’m not a disease infested Brett. If he picks Daisy, he might as well light his junk on fire. Probably feel better than putting it in her meat cave.

-The other thing we learned this week, thanks to a Reality Steve reader who pointed this out (can’t believe I missed this), was that our good friend Holly once dated Justin Guarini. You know, the Sideshow Bob geek from Season 1 of “American Idol”. If you want to see any pics of them, just google “Holly Durst/ Justin Guarini” and they they are on the red carpet. Or you may just call him the co-star of “From Justin to Kelly” - that blockbuster of a movie that they made after the first season of “Idol” ended. Wow. Did that really happen? Did they really make a movie with the two finalists from “Amercian Idol”? I don’t know the plot but I’m guessing it had something to do with them having a crush on each other, takes place in a beach city, and a lot of dancing and singing going on while they try and get in each others pants. Didn’t I mention two weeks ago how unoriginal Hollywood is? I give you “From Justin to Kelly”. I think the same storyline with the two season 2 finalists would’ve been much more interesting - “From Clay to Reuben”. Since we all know Clay is into that sort of thing. Anyway, the point being here is that despite the title of “Children’s Book Author”, Holly is obviously looking to be famous. And went about it in the past by dating someone who was famous for maybe five seconds. If you don’t think the rest of this column will be littered with Justin Guarini comments, you’re sorely mistaken.

-The show begins exactly as the last three shows have begun: Host Chris walking in on the lingerie pillow fights the girls are having to tell them what the dates will be this week. Ok, maybe they’re just sitting on the couch having just woken up in their jimmies, but to me, the lingerie pillow fighting is where it’s at. They need to make this happen. Not that this was any surprise, but there’ll be a 1-on-1 date with Amanda the Roadrunner, a 2-on-1 date with Marshanna and Holly Guarini, and then a tennis group date with Kelly, Chelsea, Shayne, Ashleelee Sobieski, Noelle, and Robin the Hated One. When Robin finds out about their tennis and tea date, she gets all excited. Robin wants to remind everyone that she spent time living in England, and apparently, that makes her the authority on tea. Robin: “At Wimble-TON, they always have a high tea party.” Having been a huge sports nut since I was in about 2nd grade, it’s safe to say I know a few things. And I’m not a huge tennis fan at all, but one of my biggest pet peeves, especially working in radio, is when I hear people pronounce “Wimbledon” as “Wimble-TON”. There is no “T” sound in “Wimbledon” people. Stop it. You sound ignorant. And for someone who claims to be all knowing when it comes to “high tea at Wimbledon”, Robin frankly doesn’t know sh**. She can’t even pronounce the biggest tennis tournament in the world. And if Shayne sticks around any longer listening to this, then one day decides to make a trip overseas to watch this tournament, one day she’s gonna come back and tell everyone, “Hey, I sawl Maria Sharapova win Wimble-TON”. Then I’m going to have to shoot myself.

-It’s time for the group date and the six ladies to play tennis. All of them suck, except for Ashleelee, who not only is good, but is looking awfully hot in her little tennis get up. Yikes. I almost had to take a cold shower while watching her backhanded stroke. Uhhh..huh..huhh….huh…huh…huh….I said stroke. If this chick didn’t make up such horrible songs on the fly and sing them a capella, I might like her even more. Once Matt pulled her aside to try and feel up her skirt, she blurted out yet another song which sounded like she wrote it ten seconds ago. Ready for this doozy?

“I feel it could be real, but I’m scared to let myself go there
Because I fear that I’ll fall so hard and you’ll just break my heart”

Matt: “When Ashlee starts singing, I get mesmerized.” Then he tells her after my ears started bleeding, “Your voice is amazing.” Ummm, was he listening to the same thing we were? Now, because Ashleelee is hot, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. That’s what us guys do. In all fairness, Ashleelee is a professional singer/songwriter, so rather than trample on her god awful songs she wrote for Matt, I’ll let all of you decide how good she is. She has quite a few songs on her MySpace page that, although aren’t Grammy winning material, definitely sound better than that crap last night. Plus, there are pictures of her on there I get sweaty looking at. Her MySpace address is:

www.myspace.com/ashleewilliss

-So while Ashleelee sings to impress Matt, Chelsea and Shayne have other plans. They figure a gymnastics competition in their tiny tennis shorts might do the trick. Well ladies, it certainly did for me. Thank you. I almost used the whole box of Kleenex. Anyway, these two called it a “gymnastics competition”, when all it really was was them seeing who could do a handstand the longest. Shayne won after Chelsea quit about five seconds in. Some handstander she is. That’s ok. I’m sure she’s an expert in other areas. Like conversation and political issues. You know, stuff like that. Shayne on the other hand, well, this is probably her best talent. I mean, of course she was the star of the gymnastics team at Rydell High. I’m sure the T-Birds came to all her competitions to see her compete. Although, I bet Shayne was the one girl who strayed and dated one of the Scorpions. Maybe it was lead guy with the horrible skin’s little brother. Little Balmudo. He and Shayne would make a great couple. Until Michael Carrington got upset, learned how to ride a bike, and knocked her socks off outside of Bowl-R-Rama. Now I’m mixing up both Grease 1 and 2. I’ll stop. Just know that if you were a cast member in Grease 2, and I’m talking to you Michelle Pfeiffer, and you couldn’t tell that Michael Carrington was the guy behind the goggles, then you’re an idiot. He was the only British guy in the school you dolt. And its not like he was hiding his accent from you when you two were making out at the gas station. Don’t get me started.

-When Robin pulls Matt away for some alone time, pretty much what you expect to happen does. He starts to like her even more, and the girls all gossip behind her back. Good times. Robin impressed him because she told a boring story about how her parents have a tea maker at home. A tea maker? Really? In your own house? How edgy of them? C’mon Robin, tell us about their stamp collection too? Please, please, please? Of course, Matt is blown away by this and I guess since she once lived in England, this gives them sort sort of UK connection. Matt: “Is she American or is she British?” Tell me he didn’t just ask that. As far as I can tell, she’s about as American as they come Matt. Don’t be fooled by her tea maker. That has about as much relevance to a relationship between the two of you working as your Michael Carrington accent does.

-And of course, as we’ve learned by now, anytime Robin spends time with Matt, the other girls get upset. When Robin returns from her time alone, Shayne isn’t happy with her. Noelle hadn’t had any time yet, Shayne told Robin that was rude of her, and Robin responded with “I’m not here to play fair”, and it’s difficult for her to interact with women because, ummm, apparently she doesn’t get along with them. Nahhhhh really? I couldn’t tell that at all. Seems like all your best friends would be women. Your social skills around them seem to be impeccable, and the way all the others in the house gravitate towards you, makes you seem so likable. I don’t know where you’d get this idea that you don’t relate well to…..oh wait, you’re crying now. Forget it. Robin: “I pretty much feel alone out here.” Yeah well that’s what happens when you alienate everyone in the house. Now you know how Moana felt. I think you two should get together and go bowling. Or make out. Either one is fine by me.

-Back at the house, the 2-on-1 date box for Marshanna and Mrs. Guarini arrives, and immediately, ABC starts in with the “Marshanna the underdog” storyline. Marshanna: “I might as well start packing. I’m going in as the underdog tonight. Holly has already had some alone time with Matt.” If that didn’t give away what would happen on their date, then you don’t know this show too well. Last week, when we saw the previews and realized the 2-on-1 date would be with Marshanna and Holly, even I, Mr. Know it All, immediately assumed it was a slam dunk Marshanna would be going home. But then after thinking about it, I realized I’d jumped the gun. There’s no way they’d ever make something so obvious like that on this show. Let’s see, a girl who just got a rose during a 1-on-1 date going up against the token black girl, who’s lasted longer than any other black female in the show’s history. It was almost too obvious to 99% of the viewers who’d be going home. Which is exactly why Holly ended up getting sent home. They wanted to throw a little twist in there. When in reality, Holly just missed Justin and had more chemistry with his perm than she did with Matt’s tiny mouth. It happens.

-Back on the tennis date, Matt ends up giving his rose to Chelsea of all people. Not that Chelsea isn’t a player in this game, it’s just that she lost her handstand competition to Shayne, she wasn’t really that good at tennis, and Ashleelee’s rock hard body in her tennis outfit outdid her as well. So Chelsea gets the rose, and it struck me then and there who she reminds me of: Jillian Barberie. Kinda has the raspy voice like her, and facially, looks like she could be her younger sister. I don’t care if you agree with me or not, she does. Ashleelee and her hot body are not happy with Matt’s decision. Ashleelee: “Does what we had mean nothing?” Ummmm, apparently. I guess your bad singing wasn’t good enough to offset your cans that were so tightly fit into that sports bra. Hey, if it were me, it’d be a no-brainer. Girl who looks the best in her mini tennis outfit, you get the rose. But you’re dealing with a Brit here. They already start off at 100 on the weird scale. Next thing you know, this guy will be dumping a that little blonde hottie Holly for Marshanna and her ugly dress.

-The 1-on-1 date is up next with Amanda the Meeping Roadrunner. Already, while getting her hair done, the meeps are out. “I think Matt thinks I’m super quiet and sweet. I need to show him a sexy side.” Yes you do. And you also need to show him you can not meep every 10 seconds. That would help too. However, once again, to be fair to one of the contestants on this show, because I’m such a good guy and am always looking to help someone out, I was given this link by a reader concerning Amanda’s meeping. Apparently someone out there, might be her or might not, is trying to make a quick buck off her meeping. Which I have no problem with. So anyone interested in joining “Team Meep”, click on this link and purchase whatever you want. I’m in no way affiliated with this thing, I’m not making a cent off it, but someone forwarded me the link, I thought it was funny, and god forbid, she has to live with that horrible stress induced hiccupping, I’ll do anything to help her out. Here’s the link:

http://www.teammeeps.com/?gclid=CIrDtr3ix5ICFQGCxwod33IFbg

-Roadrunner and Matt go on a 1950’s date that’s about as cheesy as you can get. She looks like she’s ready to go to the Sock Hop, and he’s just wearing all black and not looking anything like from the 50’s. Except he says he feels like the Fonz and says, “Aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy”. Just stop it, you limey. Quit trying to act American. We don’t like your kind over here. If he starts breaking out his, “What’chu talkin’ bout’ Willis?” impression, I think I’ll take an ax to my TV. This date really was pretty boring. The Runner tried to teach him how to dance and he was clueless. Matt admits to having a geek side. We already knew this Matt. We see it every second you’re on screen. No shock there. I’m gonna cut this date short just because there’s nothing happening. He gives her a rose, then they head off to the Santa Monica Pier to go on the kiddie rides. The Santa Monica Pier is kind of a cool place to hang out - if you’re a teenager. It’s a place you can literally walk around in 5-10 minutes, win a stuffed animal, then get out of there. Unless you like hanging around high schoolers who walk in groups and are texting the whole time. These two got on the ferris wheel, licked each others tongues, and that was it. How romantic. Hope you got a churro while you were there.

-Now it’s time for Marshanna vs. One-time-former-date-of-the-second-place-finisher-of-American-Idol-who-hasn’t-done-a-damn-thing-since. They arrive at Matt’s place for some dinner. Mrs. Guarini looks very cute in her dress and Marshanna is wearing a hat that she stole from the Swedish chef on the Muppets. Yet once again, Matt loves something I hate. “I’m lovin’ that hat.” Really? I bet the chef is pretty pissed off she ripped that from him. You know, I thought that chef had a name, but when I looked it up, I guess he’s only been known as “Swedish chef”. Every other Muppet seems to have a name. Why did he get screwed? Who’d he piss off? I demand someone names him. Although, since Jim Henson is dead and he was the voice the Swedish chef, nothing the Muppets do anymore counts. The minute he died, and Kermit’s voice changed, my whole Muppet world changed. The “Muppets Take Manhattan” was the last great thing that cast ever did. Henson was still alive, Kermit sold “Manhattan Melodies” to Broadway, the whole gang got back together, Kermit gets amnesia, its all about to go to hell in hand basket, but finally Miss Piggy knocks some sense into him, and the show goes off without a hitch. And they get married. Still brings a tear to my eye. “Hey, what’s your name?” “Uhhh, Phil. Phil up. Phil.” “Phillip Phil. Catchy name.” I wonder if it’s possible if I can reference any more non-descript 80’s movies in this column?

-Matt asks both ladies over drinks about possibly moving to the UK. Marshanna: “I don’t have anything keeping me in New York.” That’s funny. I just figured billions of guys are beating down your door wanting you to stay. I mean, with those beautiful dresses you wear, and that sassy New York attitude you carry around, and just that overall aura that you have, I can’t imagine why you’re single. As for Holly? “Before ever meeting you, I wanted to move to London.” Oh you did? Funny this was never mentioned before. All the sudden Holly, who deserted the three kids in Ohio she babysat for so she could move to L.A. and write childrens books and date D-list celebrities now wants to move to England? How convenient. But it does kinda make sense. No one in England will have a clue to how much a loser Justin Guarini is over there. He could just start all over.

-He pulls each girl aside for some alone time. Marshanna starts blabbing about “no guts, no glory”, and that she needs to take a chance. Which leads to probably the most awkward looking kiss in this shows history. There was no tongue involved, but when these two were attached at the mouth, Marshannas lips completely covered Matts mouth. I almost felt bad for him. I didn’t know if he was still breathing. But after he pulled away and said, “That was a great kiss”, I figured he was hyperventilating. Uhhh Matt, that wasn’t a great kiss. It was two seconds long, there was no tongue involved, and it looked incredibly uncomfortable. But hey, you’re the cool British guy who all the chicks love, so I guess I’ll take your word for it.

-During his time with Holly Idol, Matt admits he has a boring side to him. And if anyone can top Matt in the boring category, it’s Holly Durst. Holly: “Me too. I like to curl up and watch movies.” Uh oh. I guess I’m boring too. But instead of “watch movies” you can replace that with “bad reality TV shows that are targeted for teenage girls.” I might need to fix that. But hey, anyone who knows me knows that comes with the rest of this awesome package I have to offer. Just overlook my fascination with crappy reality shows and look at the finer things I have to offer. My charm, my disposition, my hulking features, my dapper sense of style, and my big feet. And oh yeah, Maddie. We're a package deal now. The line forms to the left, ladies. Regardless, Matt and Holly’s night is going nowhere. He tells her to ask him some challenging questions, and she couldn’t think of one. Yep. She’s boring all right. Which is why she chased after Justin Guarini of all people. I’m really blown away by the fact that this chick thought that after moving to L.A., and wanting to get ahead in this industry, she thought that guy was someone she could sleep her way to the top with. Amazing.

-A real quick shot back at the mansion has Shayne telling everyone in the house who’ll listen, “There’s no way Holly’s going home tonight”, which is about as much of a dead giveaway as they possibly could’ve given. Very next scene has Matt giving Marshanna the rose and sending Holly back into Hollywood obscurity. Maybe she can hook up with Sanjaya now. Seems to be her cup of tea. Matt says there was definitely a physical attraction with her, but, well, the conversation sucked. Holly: “I couldn’t give you everything right off the bat. I’m sorry.” Then in the limo when she’s crying hysterically, she says, “I poured my heart out to him. I feel stupid.” Sooooo, which one is it? You couldn’t open up to him right away, or you poured your heart out and he rejected it? You’re saying two different things sweetie. Neither of which matter at this point since he picked Marshanna over you. Have fun living with that thought. Frankly, I’d just give up dating if I were you.

-Time for the ladies to make one last impression before Matt sends two more home. Marshanna is safe, which is why she felt she could wear another Egyptian outfit to the Rose Ceremony. It must be some cruel joke all the other girls are playing with her by telling her she looks good. Girl, you look hideous. “Take those ridiculous things off!” Yessss!!!! Chalk up another 80’s movie reference. Ashleelee is up first to try and hang on for dear life. He basically tells her he needs to know more about her than her bad singing and songwriting. He really hopes there’s more to her other than her looks and her music. Ashleelee: “Well, let’s spend a full day together and find out.” C’mon Matt. Don’t you realize what she just offered you? A day of sex. At least, that’s how I read it. Apparently though, one of the best looking girls in the house with the best body offering it up to him for free wasn’t enough. He needs more than that. Like that bottle of sunshine Robin.

-It was Kelly’s turn to try and make him like her. She was failing miserably as her body language with her arms crossed basically said, “Get away from me. I don’t like guys.” I’ve read books on body language before, and that definitely is one to always remember. Arms crossed means “get away from me loser, you ain’t getting none of this piece.” Or something like that. Matt says she’s his biggest fan, but he doesn’t see it. He feels like a “stuffy Brit” when he’s around her. Things are getting really tense here. He’s already corrected her on her body language, he’s questioned her on how big a fan she is of his, and he feels like a stuffy Brit around her and can’t be himself. Hmmmmm, how does one loosen up this situation? Of course! By showing her boobs. How silly of me. Kelly opens up her shirt, shows her pretty decent rack to Matt in her fake diamond studded bra, and pretty much that was the end of her. Nice try, skank. Exactly how did you think that would win him over?

-Noelle and Shayne also had their alone time with Matt, but considering the acts that Ashleelee and Kelly just pulled, Noelle and Shayne could’ve dropped a deuce in his lap and still gotten a rose. This was one of the more easier Rose Ceremonies to predict. Marshanna, Chelsea, and the Roadrunner already with roses. 5 girls left for 3 roses. And Kelly and Ashleelee are an embarrassment. Hmmm…….Matt: “Thank you….put yourselves out there…sticking with this…it’s been a real pleasure…..thanks for the quick peek at your rack, Kelly. Now you can go home.”

Shayne: It’s safe to say she’s probably going to the Final Four. I can’t wait to see Lorenzo Lamas on the hometown date. I hope he breaks out in his Grease letterman’s jacket.

Robin: Is she American or British? She’s American you idiot. She’s also not gonna be the final girl left standing. Not a chance.

“Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready.” Are you kidding me, Chris? There’s three roses and five girls. He just gave two of those away in 1.7 seconds. Do we really need the refresher course on how many roses are left? I guess that’s why you make the big bucks and I don’t make a dime writing about how ridiculous it is.

Noelle: Noelle basically got this rose by process of elimination since they barely showed any time she had with Matt.

-On her way out the door, Kelly took it like a woman, was very professional, handled everything with class, and was stand up about the whole process. Yeah right. “I’d be with me. Any dude would want to date me.” I totally agree. Any dude with the name Brett Michaels would be all over you in a second. When there is a “Rock of Love 3”, I fully expect to see Kelly front and center on that show. She’d be a perfect fit in that house of sluts. And it’s not like those casting people have any standards when it comes to who appears on their show. Good God. Where do they find these people? Oh yeah, I forgot. The local strip clubs.

-Ashleelee had a most interesting exit. She sang. What a shocker. And she even sang the song she sang earlier in the episode. I really don’t want to repeat them because they were bad. And boring. And didn’t make any sense. She also “wants to find someone who will see more to me than just a songwriter.” For his sake, I hope he does. I don’t think anyone will be after you because you can write them a song, I promise you that. Hey, maybe you could join the “Rock of Love 3” cast as well. You’re not nearly whore-y enough, but you like to play music and write your own songs, and we know Brett wouldn’t mind singing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” 100 times to you. I think this could work. And I should get paid some sort of casting fee for when Kelly and Ashleelee appear next season.

-Next week, we get to see Marshanna’s inner New York come out. “Walk off! Walk off! Walk off! Walk off!” Oh snap, girl! You tell em’. And you watch as there’s no chance in hell you get a hometown date.

-And for those that are interested, I promised an update of taking my niece to see “Horton Hears a Who”. Good movie. I enjoyed it. She didn’t understand it. But as long as there’s a talking elephant and bright colors and a bunch of animals, she was happy. She watched first hour from her seat. After that, it got a little dicey. There was about 10 people in the theater, so we had a whole row to ourselves. An hour in, she started walking up and down the aisle pulling down every arm rest. Then she stood up on her seat for a bit, then watched the last 15 minutes or so standing in front of her seat. All she knows is Horton is elephant and that’s about it. I won’t be getting a term paper anytime soon dissecting the positives and negatives of Whoville almost becoming obsolete. Until next week…..

The Bachelor Links

THE BACHELOR RECAP - 3/31/08

2008-04-01T10:40:00.001-07:00

-It was definitely interesting watching the "Bachelor" this morning, and here's why: The remote control was broken. So after it took me five minutes to even get into the DVR to start it, I realized I didn't want to take a chance on fast forwarding or rewinding, so I basically had to watch the whole thing through with commercials and everything. I cannot remember the last time I watched any TV show and sat through the commercials. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who does this. It's amazing how spoiled we've become where watching a show for a whole hour straight becomes such a chore, that we have to cut it down to 40 minutes by fast forwarding through commercials. This new media world we're living in is going to hell in a handbasket. Our kids will be so ADD, it might be a miracle if they concentrated on one thing for more than 5 minutes. I'm a grown man and I can barely do it. Nevertheless, when I finally get back to my place next week, I won't have to worry about this nonsense that my sisters TV in the backroom has going on. The sensor on the TV is all jacked up, hence the reason I couldn't fast forward. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

-So we start out by Host Chris telling us about one group date, and two solo dates. And of course, on both of the solo dates, a rose will be given out. Or not. If you don't get one, you go home. They've only done this for the past 500 seasons, yet, we get a surprise reaction from the women when Host Chris tells them this. "(Gasp) Really? My God!!!! I...I...I...I never knew such a thing existed." Uh huh. Sure you didn't ladies. You've watched every episode of every season just like me. You know exactly what's going on the minute Host Chris comes bouncing into the living room every morning when you're in your jammies with no make up on. Some of you look halfway decent, and some of you....well....it looks like you just woke up from your coffin. Anybody can look look all dolled up with gobs of make up on and their hair done. But the true beauty of a woman is how she looks first thing in the morning. That's where most guys make their decision of whether or not they could be with someone long term, in case you didn't know. If you pass the morning test, you've got a good shot. I'm such a romantic.

-So Holly gets the first solo date and her and Matt head to the Mann's Chinese theater in Hollywood for the red carpet premiere of "Made of Honor" with Patrick Dempsey. This was just ridiculous. Matt and Holly arrive in a limo, they're the first ones to get there, and the red carpet is lined with reporters, and paparazzi taking pictures and asking them questions. Ok, back up a second. When that was actually happening, the show hadn't even begun to air. So how in the hell would anybody know who those two clowns were? Oh that's right, everyone in that scene was an extra and told beforehand who those two people who don't look familiar at all were. Silly me. People from "Extra" are asking Matt questions about being the "Bachelor" and how he likes American women, yet, unless they were told beforehand, would no idea who he was. All very stupid and fake if you ask me. They even got to dip their hands in fake concrete and act like people cared who they were. Really? So if I go to Hollywood Blvd today, I'll see Matt and Holly's handprints? Ummmm, yeah. That's what I thought. Embarrassing.

-Of course, you may be asking yourself, "Why did they choose to give Matt and Holly that date?" Simple answer: Cross promotion. Without even looking, I'm 99% sure "Made of Honor" is produced by a Disney/ABC company, so they figured this'll be more pub for their bad chick flick. And could the premise of "Made of Honor" been any more cookie cutter? Guy and girl are friends, guy is a player and can never settle down, his female friend finds a fiance, guy gets jealous because now he realizes he wants her, and he does what he can to stop the wedding. Gee, never heard that one before. It was better the first time when it was called the "Wedding Planner", or "My Best Friends Wedding". Same concept, same idea, just different actors. Hollywood is so unoriginal, it's sick. All its become is bad remakes of old TV shows, different versions of other chick flicks with the new hottest actors/actresses, and indie films that all the artsy people care about. Yuck. Yes, I've become a Hollywood snob.

-Of course, being that Matt is starring in an ABC show, and "Made of Honor" is buying airtime during this show, when Holly asks Matt, "What'd you think of the movie?", he says, "I liked it." Of course you did. Probably was written into your contract you were supposed to like it. And if you didn't, you had to lie. That's why I miss Brad. I guarantee he would've come out of that theater saying it sucked. Then ABC would've got mad at him, thrown him under the bus by making up stories of him flying in DeAnna's father for a proposal that wasn't going to happen, then villify the guy for not picking either of the two girls. Oops. Sorry. Got off on a tangent there. Still behind ya' Brad. Have fun with Tessa. Ummmmmm, anyway, back to this season. So Matt basically showed us he has no testicles by claiming he liked the movie was my point in this. Gee, do you think Patrick Dempsey ends up with his friend at the end, or she ends up getting married to the other guy? That's a tough one. Such suspense. I can't wait to find out.

-It's movies like "Made of Honor" that make women crazy. You know why? Because they think that's actual real life. And they want something like that to happen to them in their relationship. They're actors! It's acting! Because Richard Gere turned his prostitute for the night into his girlfriend doesn't mean that it's going to happen to you. And it doesn't mean Richard Gere is a good guy. It's a movie!!!!! Just know I'd be ecstatic if there was never another chick flick made. Chick flicks are the #1 reason why womens expectations in relationships are totally unrealistic. They want their relationship to mirror what they've seen on TV or in the movies. They want to be Ross and Rachel. They want to find their Mr. Big. They want to be Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. Sorry. Life doesn't work that way. And the sooner you people realize that, the smoother your relationship will be. And I will debate this topic with any female til I'm blue in the face. You can't convince me movies and TV relationships don't affect women and the way they approach their relationships.

-So after sitting through 2 hours of that mess of a movie, Matt and Holly go up to the top of a hotel for some alone time. Holly tells him that the reason she got into writing children's books was that she used to babysit 3 children back in Ohio, and once she moved to LA, she missed them. So she started writing childrens books. Don't really see the correlation there, but I do have a question. Good looking blonde from Ohio moves to L.A., and now she's on a reality TV show promoting her book? I like Holly thus far, I think she's one of the better looking girls on the show, she seems normal and likable, but, something tells me Holly might be on the show promoting her career. Just a guess. But hey, I still like her. And that should be all that matters. At least in my eyes. Who cares if Matt likes her? As long as Reality Steve is giving her his approval, that should be enough.

-So when Matt and Holly were dipping their hands in concrete at the Mann's Chinese Theater, Matt wrote "Matt + Holly". This slab of concrete was delivered back to the ladies mansion while Matt and Holly were out I'm guessing so they could rub their noses in it. When Shayne saw it, she was none too happy to see what Matt and Holly had written. Shayne: "I don't think Matt wrote 'Matt loves Holly', I think Holly wrote that." Ok, you keep thinking that sweetie. Is this 5th grade now? Are there gonna be notes passed around next? Maybe one them can bust out the game where Matt lives in a Shack, with 2 kids, and a Ferrari, and works as a janitor and is married to Shayne. I forget the name of that game, but just know I always ended up with the chick I wanted. And the car and house I wanted. Now I'm 32 and single. Screw that game. It should be banned from all elementary schools. Gives the young children of today false hope. To end the night, Matt and Holly get in a hot tub, Holly looks yummy, Matt thinks so too, he kisses her, and she gets a rose. And maybe a couple more buys of her book on Amazon.com.

-Time for the group date. A nice game of rugby with 10 chicks fighting over each other. Since I wasn't able to pause, fast forward, or rewind due to the screwy TV, I couldn't tell you all the chicks on this date. Just know it was the 10 who weren't named Holly or Shayne, since Shayne got the other solo date. Matt got his rocks off watching all the girls stretch, and grope, and pull each other during warmups. As did I. Although, this whole date was all very "Rock of Love-ish" to me when all the skanks play in the mud bowl to win over Brett's weiner. But whatever, since ABC isn't original, they just stole VH1's idea but changed the football to rugby. And made Matt less disease infected than Brett. And the women less whore-ish. But any time there's short shorts, mud, and women running around tackling each other, count me in. I'm all for it. Good job, ABC. Next week, how about just a striptease for Matt's affection? Might as well.

-Back at the house, Shayne is worried about her date. Not whether or not she'll get a rose, not whether or not Matt is into her, and not if she can see herself marrying Matt. No, Shayne is freaking out because she hasn't been to a tanning bed since she got to the house. And god forbid that apple of an ass she has doesn't get tanned. All hell might break loose. But here comes Holly to the rescue. Holly tells Shayne she brought spray tan with her. And not just spray tan in a bottle, she brought the whole sha-bang. Full on motorized spray tan machine that I'm sure you can find at Sunset Tan. Something tells me ABC provided that and Holly really didn't just bring a giant spray tan machine on her own. I'll need to get a clarification on that. Anyway, at this point in the show, it became NC-17. You have that hot piece Holly spraying down an almost completely naked Shayne with spray tan. I think Shayne had a cloth covering her top, and well, nothing on below her waist. Except for that damn black box which appeared on my screen. How many more years before the US becomes like Europe and full frontal nudity is shown on network television? I honestly think it will happen within the next 10 years. I give cursing on network television 5 years, and nudity 10.

-Kelly and Marshanna are chosen as captains. I have no idea why. They pick teams, and Ashleelee is the last one picked. It's a reverse discrimination. I guess the pretty you are, the further down you get picked since they don't think you can hang with Inna, the Ukranian love tank. I can't believe Brett called her that and she took that as a term of endearment. Sorry to turn this into a "Rock of Love" column, but can any sane woman think that a man calling her a Ukranian love tank is a compliment? I can't see that in any way, shape, or form. Let me find some 5 foot 10, 160 beast at a bar, call her my Ukranian love tank, and see if takes too well to that. I'm guessing she'll lift me up over her head and shot put me out of that place. Sorry Inna, but that might be the most unflattering nickname I've ever heard given to someone on reality TV. Well, minus any girl who's appeared on "Flavor of Love". Verrrrrrrrrry classy.

-Anyway, the rugby game was pretty uneventful. Chelsea thought that Ashleelee getting picked last was justified because "If you wear fake eyelashes to a rugby game, you deserve to be picked last." And I'm sure no one else out there has anything fake on them either. There's never anything fake about the Bachelorettes cast on this show. Ever. So, the only interesting that happened during the game was Marshanna got popped in the mouth by an elbow and started bleeding. The other girls claimed she was faking, but when they did a close up, Miss Black Awareness definitely had bloodied up her lip. But regardless, Marshanna says it doesn't matter. "I still look fabulous, bloody lip or not." Ummmm, I beg to differ, sweetie. I could easily make a incredibly insensitive joke about hoping that her lip doesn't swell up, but I won't.

-After the game of rugby, (don't ask me who won. I don't remember and I don't care), Matt takes them back to his $4000 a month pad that ABC is paying for, and they had a little picnic or something. Matt had two masseuse's there as well, so one lucky girl would get to have a couples massage with him. No surprise he picked the chick with the biggest cans on the date, Kelly, to join him. When all else fails, go for the chick with the big rack. Can never go wrong. These two really seemed to be getting into their massages. Especially when horndog Kelly blurted out, "I like it really hard." Ha...I bet you do. And I also bet you probably said that a week earlier during some other conversation, and they edited it in to your massage so perverts like me get excited. Yet another stellar editing job, ABC. Way to go.

-Robin, who will later become the devil to every other girl in the house, tells Matt that she really wants to do everything she can to stay in the house, but she won't do anything stupid. Oh, you mean like sing opera? Bite through a beer can? Stick a clarinet in....forget it. You get the point. No, Robin isn't that girl. She's just someone that'll slit another girls neck to get any extra 30 seconds with Matt, even if she already has a rose and is safe for the night. More on that to come. I'm really not sure where I stand on Robin right now. I always complain when one of these whiners talks about having trouble with the Bachelor dating so many other women, but Robin is the opposite. She accepts the fact that he is, so she just makes the most out of her time when she's with him. She's just a giant bitch about it and doesn't come across as very likable. So I'm torn.

-Amanda the Meeper, whom it doesn't seem like has said more than two words to Matt since he gave her the first impression rose, finally gets some alone time. She says she's afraid Matt might think she's boring. Trust me honey. Nobody who meeps uncontrollably is boring. Annoying as hell? Yes. Boring? No way. So Amanda does her best to show Matt she's not boring by talking about music. It was at this point in the show where Matt Grant officially came out of the closet to tell us he was gay. Matt is a fan of "Classic George Michael". Meaning he liked "Father Figure". And probably "Faith". And "Careless Whisper". And "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go", which could be the gayest song/video ever. Tell me he and Andrew Ridgley weren't prancing around on stage in tight, flourescent dolphin shorts singing those ridiculous lyrics? Yeah, and people were shocked when George Michael came out? The proof was already there.

-Matt comes back into the room with all the ladies, announces he has a rose to give out to someone who he had an "amazing day with, and who was amazing on the rugby field. And that's Robin." Oh boy. Let the catfighting begin. Like these beytoches are gonna be happy about that. Robin is about as likable to these women as Omarosa is to mankind. I wonder what its like to be hated by everyone in your immediate circle? I wouldn't know since everyone that reads this column is such a huge fan. Or something like that.

-Now it's time for Shayne's solo date. I don't pretend to be an authority on women's outfits, but was the whole black mini skirt with the white calf-high boots a good look? There was something very wrong about that. Didn't seem like those shoes were the right match. And she looked like she barely knew how to walk in them. So they go wine tasting in Ojai, and immediately Matt starts in with the questions about her acting family. Shayne: "It's not like you would know who my dad was....His name is Lorenzo Lamas.....He was on a show 'Renegade'. He's pretty popular here in the states." WHOA!!!! WHAT???!!!! Of all the acting gigs your pops has had, you throw out that he was on "Renegade"? Hell, I'd never even heard of that show. But I do know he was the player Tom Chisum, swinging between Sandy and banging Patti Simcox in "Grease". And who could forget his memorable 155 episode run as "Hector Ramirez" of "Bold and the Beautiful." (Ok, I cheated and got that off IMBD. I had no idea). Geesh, Shayne. Quit selling your dad short. "Renegade"? Who the hell watched that garbage?

-They talked about marriage, and whether or not the fact that she's young, and immature, and 22 would play a role in anything. She claims it wouldn't. She said she moved out at 17 and is very grown up and has been through a lot at her age. And oh yeah, she mentions that pops Lorenzo has been "several" times (I looked it up. He's had 4 wives). Very stable home life you can tell Shayne has had growing up. Like this chick isn't the poster child for divorce. Yeah, she's definitely ready to settle down. Mark my words, Shayne will get married at least 3 times in her life. You can count on that. Here's Matt's assessment of her so far: "Shayne is the ultimate L.A. sex kitten in my eyes." Uh, huh. You got that right. And when I hear the phrase "Ultimate L.A. sex kitten", I immediately think "marriage potential". C'mon, Matt. There's no way you're gonna pick her. Put her out of her misery now and stop stringing her along. Daddy's gonna spoil her even more after you dump her.

-I will give Shayne major credit for one thing. She tells Matt, "I'm not pretentious or uptight." Matt: "Would you consider yourself high maintenance?" And after thinking it over, she says, "Yeah. I would say I am." I actually liked her better after she admitted that. At least she didn't pretend that she wasn't. See? It's all about being real and honest. Guys appreciate that. Then she even took it a step further by telling Matt the five most important things to her are cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches. Once again, much credit for her admitting that rather than pretending she was somebody who she wasn't. Could I ever be with someone who had those as such a high priority in her life? Not a chance in hell. But I at least respect her for admitting it. So her and I could just be real good friends. With benefits.

-Matt is still debating on whether to give her a rose to keep her around or send her home. Shayne seems to have forgotten that she needs to let Matt explore her tongue on this date sooner rather than later or she's going home. Shayne: "I forgot about that rose until I sawl it." Yes ladies and gentleman, Shayne is one of those people who apparently can't pronounce words that end in "aw" without throwing a "l" sound in there. No honey, it's "....until I saw it", not "sawl it". Do you think this played a factor into whether or not Matt gives her a rose? Of course it doesn't. She loosened up. Rolled around on the carpet in her short skirt with him, he cradled her like a baby, played a little tonsil hockey, and these two lived happily ever after with her getting the rose. Awwwwww....how cute. A match made in heaven.

-Back at the house, Robin is going on and on and on about how she got a rose, and she fought for it, and she's not willing compromise the woman that she is, blah blah blah blah. All it does is give Amanda the go ahead to start her stress induced hiccuping, and Amanda starts meeping all over Robin's conversation. I'm going to be 100% honest when I say this: I think Amanda is extremely attractive, would even go as far as to say she's my type. She seems normal, not much baggage, has a good head on her shoulders, and is someone that, despite going on a reality show looking for love, doesn't seem to be a complete idiot. Now, with that said, I can't for the life of me figure out how anyone would possibly be able to marry that chick with the chronic hiccuping. There's no guy out there who can say with a straight face that her meeping wouldn't drive them absolutely batty. Stand on your head, Amanda. Have someone scare you. Anything. Just know that Matt ain't gonna pick you in the end if you're meeping during sex.

-Final chance for the ladies to impress Matt at the cocktail party. Chelsea is up first looking kinda Scarlett Johansson-esque. I'm liking Chelsea more and more. I've put the whole "I-can-kick-your-ass-in-arm-wrestling" behind me. And apparently so has Matt as he rams his tongue down her throat before the other girls see him. He says she's a great kisser. I guess we have to take his word for it, but, seems to be a bit awkward that he's able to have any sort of kissing chemistry with anyone when he has a mouth the size of a 2 year old. How is that even possible?

-Time for Robin to start pissing people off. Even though she already has a rose and is safe for tonight, she decides it would be a good idea to steal Matt away from Amy during their alone time. I don't know what for, I don't know why, all I know is that this immediately got all the other girls' panties in a bunch. They've officially declared war on Robin. Everyone hates her. So she's officially become the Moana of this season. Roboana. There. She has a new name. In fact, judging by the previews for next week, she gets to become even more and more hated. Except by Matt. That's exactly how it was with Travis and Moana. Every girl hated her and Travis didn't see it. Whatever the case, Robin will not win. The most hated girl in the house has never been the one in end. There's something to be said when a guy is interested in a girl that everyone else hates. He might claim that it doesn't bother him, but it does. No one wants to have that girlfriend who others all dislike. Makes you start disliking them too. Not that this has ever happened to me. Of course not.

-At this point, Shayne, Kelly, and Amy have had enough of Roboana, so they interrupt her alone time and steal her away from Matt. So if everyone already wasn't against her, now they are. Roboana definitely has her work cut out for her. On the other hand, Holly, who is already safe for the evening with her own rose, is turning into "that girl". You know, the one who can't stand the fact her man is dating other women. Yeah, her. Not good Holly. Especially when you're safe for the night. I think it even brought her to tears. I don't remember, since at this point in the show, I hadn't been able to get past the fact I'd watched every single commercial and I was bored to tears and I wanted this to end.

-Rose Ceremony time. Nine girls without roses, three are going home. Here's Matt with the shortest intro speech before a rose ceremony ever. "You all look lovely....there's a British saying "I'm in a right pickle"....this won't be easy." That's it? Really? Good. A man of few words. Now let's get down to business.

Amanda: "Meep!! Meep!!" I think it's about time we start calling her the Road Runner.
Ashleelee: Didn't see a lot her this episode. But she's still hot.
Kelly: Boobs.
Chelsea: It would've really sucked if he spit all over her tongue, then 20 minutes later, didn't give her a rose.
Noelle: Didn't see a lot of her either. However, still hot.

Host Chris told the ladies this was the final rose of the night. It was the 4,652nd time he's uttered that phrase, and frankly, I'll never get tired of it. Brings a smile to my face every week.

Marshanna: Whoa. New record. Token black girl moves on to Week 4. However, we see in the previews she goes on a 2-on-1 date with Holly next week. One girl gets a rose, one doesn't. Gee, could they make it any more obvious?

-So no real good meltdowns at the end of the episode. The hot dog vendor, Erin S., barely got any air time during the episode. Amy told us he didn't realize what he could've had, and Kristine knew she might be going because she has a hard time opening up. Worst ending to the show they've ever had. C'mon. We need some drama. That's why we watch this.

-I made it. Probably the latest I've ever finished this column, but I'm glad I did. Now it's time to take my niece to see "Horton Hears a Who". I'm guessing this will either be torture for the next 90 minutes, or a ton of fun. I'll let you know next week. Until then.....

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