THE BACHELOR 4 10.15.03 On the heels of hearing production will be starting soon on a sequel to “Sixteen Candles”, our 4th episode of the “Bachelor” came and went with some fireworks, literally, and some crying. “32 Candles” is going to track the lives of Samantha, Farmer Ted, and Long Duk Dong, 16 years later. This movie is either going to be “The Godfather Part II”, or it’s going disgrace the original’s name, much like “Caddyshack 2” did? Tell me they didn’t make a “Caddyshack 2” with Dan Akroyd, Jackie Mason, and that chick who’s 105 years old and sits at the Laker games next to Magic Johnson. And before you ask, the answer is, “Of course he’s having sex with her.” Dyanne Cannon. That’s her name. I never knew it was physically possible to have double digit face lifts in your lifetime, but Dyanne’s proved us all wrong. You look very healthy, ma’am. Anyway, “32 Candles” needs to focus on everyone, not just those three. What about that crazy uncle? Or Jake Ryan’s hot girlfriend. Did she become a junior college dropout and town whore? What about Jake? Did he end up putting on 50 pounds drinking himself into oblivion as president of the Sigma Pi’s in college? This needs to be addressed in this movie. Let’s begin…. -Hey, where can I pick up the “Bachelor” soundtrack. Those smooth, cool, be-bopping tunes at the beginning of the show just give me the chills. Makes me wanna get up and dance. It’s also an immediate sign to me that I’m going to spend the next hour marveling at a bunch of women I don’t care about getting their face sucked off by America’s Horniest Bachelor. This guy is good. He’s gotten more tongue in the first four episodes than most delicatessen’s have in stock for a year. -They start off with Katie Holmes one-on-one “least compatible” date with Horndog Bob. Apparently she only has an hour to get ready, and she needs to get real dolled up. Yes, definitely a problem here. Only an hour? My God. What is a woman to do? She flips up her hair and puts it in a bobby pin. Why are they called “bobby pins”? And considering they’re so small and thin, how do they hold so well? Did “scrunchies” put “bobby pins” out of business? Is Bobby pissed her pins aren’t as useful anymore? Is Bobby a female? Is Bobby a person? Just asking. Just bored. -Katie is in rare form tonight, already starting with her attitude. “I’m not here to be anyone’s bridesmaid, I’m here to be with Bob.” Definitely the Kirsten of this season. Hated by many, loved by few, victim to Bob’s mouth. She’s a real beauty now. Does not like anyone, doesn’t care if anyone likes her, she’s out to win the game, and nothing more. Isn’t Chris Klein a little upset his woman’s running around on him? I still can’t believe those two are together. And why isn’t she making any more “Neutrogena” commercials? Hey don’t get me wrong, seeing Kristin Kreuk wash her face with only a towel on works for me, but Katie is definitely missed. Maybe they can make one together. In the shower. Where the water…..forget it. -Commercial. Why are we at commercial four minutes into the show? Who’s idea was this? Don’t we usually get a good 7 to 8 minutes before they break away? And considering in the first four minutes, we’ve already heard Katie’s “Orgasmic is the word to describe it” quote, this better turn out to be good. Don’t worry, I’m setting myself up for complete disappointment here, I know. It’s still before 10 o’clock. The networks can’t really have fun with the word “orgasmic” until after “Karen Sisco” comes on. -Bob and Katie’s date is at the Queen Mary in Long Beach. Another local place within 15 minutes of where I grew up. I’ve been to the Queen Mary twice. First time, was for my winter formal, freshman year of high school. My girlfriend/date had on a tiel dress. Yes, tiel. Meaning, you guessed it, yours truly had on the ugliest tie and cummerbund known to mankind. God was that hideous. So to offset me wearing that garbage, I tried to dance as much as I could that night so I got hot enough to where I could use than as an excuse to take it off. And I did. All of it, baby. Uh, kidding. I think we held hands out on the deck, made out, and I probably gave her some B.S. line about how I loved her dress. Not to mention the fact that 30 minutes before picking her up, I was at the girl’s house that I really wanted to go with. And yes, we were making out. I know. Sounds terrible. I was a freshman. Sorry. What the hell did I know? I thought I was doing the noble thing. -Last time I was at the Queen Mary was for my friend’s wedding three years ago. What a night. He tried to embarrass me during his speech about the groomsmen, I was about .15 an hour into the cocktail party, said some stuff in their wedding video I’m sure they’ll be thrilled with when they look back on it twenty years from now, I performed my “Vanilla Ice” routine for the third consecutive wedding I attended (don’t ask), tried to mix in “The Worm” at some point, and to top it all off, I tried to hook up with the bride’s best friend, went back to the room, and was completely shot down. All in all, a complete mess. -Anyway, Bob and Katie are discussing over dinner why she thought the girls voted her “least compatible”, even though he think they have a great connection. Katie says it’s because the ladies actually do think they are compatible, but didn’t think the least compatible would be getting a solo date. Sort of reverse psychology. Now, for a clan of ten with a combined IQ pushing triple digits, I wouldn’t say there was any reverse psychology going on. Look Holmes, they hate you, you hate them, they vote for you. Simple as that. Just keep pissing more people off to keep this show interesting. -Back at the mansion, the date box arrives for the remaining five girls and it has bikini’s for all of them. Great. Just what they need. Isn’t it a prerequisite that if you are to be chosen for this show, you must own at least 15 different bikini’s? What’s one more? Judging by their reaction, and judging by what was in the date box, I’m under the impression their date will have something to do with water. And making out. Call me crazy. -Back to our lovable twosome, Bob asks Katie what it is about him that she likes. She says his personality, his dimples, and his curls. Definitely a reason for these two to tie the knot right now. I think Katie wants to win the competition more than she wants to win Bob. She’s a conniving little one, I tell ya. So after dinner, Bob has planned a personal fireworks show that consists of the band from “Titanic” playing on the deck, while they stand and watch fireworks. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not a big fireworks guy. Call me unpatriotic, call me boring, whatever. It just doesn’t do it for me. Every single fireworks show is for the most part the same exact thing, and there really isn’t anything romantic about cocking your head back, looking up, and watching things explode. Oh I see now. No wonder women like fireworks shows. -And wouldn’t you know it, right on cue, we get this from Katie: “Watching my own fireworks show with Bob was unbelievable. ‘Orgasmic’ is the word to describe it.” I cannot imagine for the life of me anything orgasmic about watching fireworks. Sure, the whole idea of something shooting up into the air then exploding while making a loud sound might represent something sexual, but c’mon. Those shows are boring. Have you ever really sat through a show and thought, “Wow. That was so different than last year’s show.” No, you haven’t. And yes, I know the words to the “Star Spangled Banner.” -Back to the mansion. Boy, they’re really enjoying cutting away from Bob and Katie’s lovefest to show us meaningless s*** going on back here. Oh look. Kelly Ho is consoling Meredith still on her grandmother dying. Didn’t this happen like three days ago? A very, quick short segment that had me scratching my head. I guess it was to show us these two bonding. Boy, these producers sure are mixing it up tonight. Getting a little crazy, I tell ya’. I also noticed going into commercial, when our host says, “Coming up…” or, “And later…” or, “Up next…”, he’s redone his voiceovers. Not nearly as much inflection, he doesn’t sound “orgasmic” and definitely more straight laced. That’s good. I guess they realized they’ve been using the same exact voiceovers since Alex Michel’s first commercial break. -Bob and Katie do some kissing. Then some more. Then finish it off with some kissing before agreeing to head back home….to do more kissing. Time for the group date with Estella, Brooke, Karin the token, Jenny, and Antoinette the Blubbering Idiot. All of them are headed to the water park with Bob. Whooopeeee! It’s at the water park where we get to have a little fun and play a game I like to call, “Real or Fake?” Let’s begin, shall we? Karin the Token- those are fake. Brooke- tough one. My guess is real. Jenny- fake. Almost has the Tori-Spelling-cleavage-you-could-park-your-car-between look. Estella- uh, real. Antoinette- without a doubt fake. Ease up on the saline, girl. Or is it silicone? Whatever. Still probably feels like she put a weight in there. -Jenny tells us that Karin the token isn’t a fan of water parks. “Karin’s definitely not in her element here at the water park. She’s too high maintenance. She definitely needs to be in a dress and putting her make up on.” Whoa. No, not that it was a cheap shot or anything. Just more or less they actually spent some time talking about Karin. I was wondering how she got to the final ten considering we’ve never really seen any alone time with her and Bob. Yet somehow, she feels a connection. Does Bob know she’s actually a contestant on the show? -Antoinette the Blubbering Idiot gets some alone time in the pool with Bob and corners him with her enormous breasts. She might as well have worn two giant foam fingers and constantly pointed at her chest with all the “subtle” shots she was giving him. Good Lord. Why not just let the guy play with your strap while you were at it as well. Antoinette: “So do you like dating? (Subtle hint: “Look at these! Look at these!”) I only have a one track mind when it comes to dating. I can only be with one person” (Tilts head back in water to straighten hair, breasts shoot up like flotation devices). I’m guessing Bob has a one track mind going right now as well. -Bob takes Estella over to a couple of chairs for no other reason than to make out. Honestly, I was really trying to look deeper and see how into her he was, maybe get a reaction out of her, see how they’re conversation went. Nope. Straight up had no other motives whatsoever than to make sure she would stick her tongue in his mouth. She’s very attractive as well. I think I said that in the very first column. She’s goin’ places my friends. -So now all six of them are in the pool, and Bob is somewhat opening up to the women. “I’m very kissy.” No s***? The Blubbering Idiot voices her displeasure with Bob kissing everyone and says that how does she know when he kisses her, it means the same as when he kisses someone else. Uh, you don’t honey. That’s the beauty of the show. Bob gets to do whatever he wants, to whomever he wants, and as many times as he wants, and basically, you all have to sit there and enjoy it. If you show it bothers you, you won’t win. Pretty simple game if you ask me. Needless to say, The Idiot has about 25 minutes left in her TV career. -Estella gives the Quote of the Night while discussing Bob’s kissing habits in the pool with all the other ladies: “I’d kiss everybody too.” Uh oh. “Hello ABC. Hi, this is Steve. Can I nominate Estella for the next “Bachelorette”? In addition, I’d like to cast myself on the show as well. Put 24 other tards around me and let me get to the finals. I won’t let that woman breathe. Now, when she says “everybody”, is she including women? Just asking. I’m definitely seeing an HBO late Saturday night reality show featuring all women starring Estella here. -So Bob gets back to the mansion where he gets to spend some final alone time with each woman. Once again, is it just me, or are a lot of these women very uninteresting? We haven’t really gotten to know any of them outside of Meredith, and we only know a little about her because her grandmother died and her mother didn’t care. One by one Bob pulls these girls outside, tries to get to know them better, and these chicks just have nothing to offer. They all say what we’ve heard on the previous four shows. “I have a connection…I feel we really know each other…I’d love to get a rose….etc.” I hate to say it, but the chant must begin. “BORRRRR….ING. BORRRRR….ING. BORRRR….ING.” -Ah hah. The producers must’ve read my mind. Immediately we seen Karin the Token pull Katie Holmes because she realizes something’s bothering her. Well, either that, or the producers were in a generous mood giving Karin the Token some face time before she gets shitcanned. Katie is in rare form once again basically telling Karin she doesn’t like competing for a guy, she doesn’t need this, and this is all so beneath her. Uh, ok freak. Whatever. This is no different than we heard from any of the girls from the past. They don’t like competing for the guy, living with their competitors makes them uncomfortable, etc. It’s just Katie likes to tell everyone her disgust for them. Which makes it that much more exciting. -Mary the former Bucs cheerleader (yes, it’s been confirmed), has an admission for Bob. She says “On Sunday afternoons, I have to watch football.” Cha-ching! Someone please move her to the front of the line please. Thirty-five years old, dancer, loves to watch football on Sundays. Throw in “loves to cook”, “will try anything once”, and “doesn’t mind catering to others every want and need” and I might go out and buy my engagement ring tomorrow. I’m kidding. That was totally pig headed of me to say about her. I’d wait at least a couple months before purchasing the ring. -Now, it’s time for the “Katie Holmes” drama moment of the night. She gets Bob outside and absolutely couldn’t have been a bigger b**** if she tried. How Bob put up with that, I have no idea. Here’s how it went…. Bob: So how are ya? Katie: Fine. Bob: I really had a great time with you on our date. Katie: Me too. Bob: Are you having fun? Katie: Sure. Bob: What’s up tonight? Seems like something’s bothering you? Katie: Nope. I’m fine. Bob: Are you sure? Katie: Yeah, I’m fine. Bob: Are you having fun? Katie: Sure. -At this point, how Bob didn’t get up, open the front door for her, and kick her in the ass on the way out, I have no idea. See, women love that. When something’s bothering them, why is it they make us ask 10 times before actually telling us what it is? Do you get pleasure out of this? We certainly don’t. Look, we know something’s wrong. Acting like there’s not, giving one and two word answers, and looking miserable isn’t convincing us that you’re fine. One of the all-timers when it comes to women. “Nothing” and “I’m fine” out of a woman’s mouth during the beginning of the conversation means you’re in for a good tongue lashing in the near future. -So basically Katie is just fed up with all the fake girls in the house, she wants this competition to end, she thinks she’s already won, and she’s being a giant beyotch to Bob. Definitely something you want to see out of your potential future wife. Cattiness, immaturity, pouting, and out-and-out disgust for people of her same sex. He must be blown away by this. Then she lays this beauty on him: “If I’m not one of the last girls standing, send me home.” Problem was, Horny Bob instead of Show-us-you-got-some-freakin-balls Bob decided to console her after this and calm her down. I swear to you, I would’ve had security drag her off that set the minute that last word came out of her mouth. “Look. This is my show. I call the shots. Ultimatums don’t work with me, sweetie.” Did that sound tough enough? Trust me, Bob. That would’ve made her want you more. Chicks love a challenge. They don’t want some nice guy who buys them flowers and treats them well. They want to play games and fight all the time and keep the drama in their life. -It’s 9:38. Our host is making his first appearance. Wow. That’s gotta be a record. What does he do when he’s not on the air, other than spy on all of Bob’s make out sessions? And he looks a lot like Mark Walberg from “Temptation Island” as well. Except younger. And I think he’s gay. I’m kidding. He’s not. I just love stereotyping all male reality dating show hosts as gay. Just a hobby of mine I guess. I’m bored. -Commercial. Coming up on the 11 o’clock news here in L.A. was this story: “What people have done at the beach for years. Now what our own councilman wants to put an end to. Tonight at 11.” Huh? I missed the story, but what were they talking about? What are they banning at the beach? Bonfires? Sex? Skinny Dipping? Probably should’ve left the T.V. on to find out. Bonfires was a great high school make out get together. Anytime anyone said, “Hey, we’re thinkin’ of having a get together at the beach this weekend”, that meant one of two things: 1) if you had a girlfriend, expect kinky things in a sleeping bag to happen that night, or 2) if you were single, expect to hook up with somebody and get a lot of sand all over you. If you’ve ever been to a bonfire and not hooked up, something’s seriously wrong with you. Almost a sure, guaranteed lay if you played your cards right. -Time for Host and Bob to meet in the deliberation room. Sounds a little too important to me. Host immediately chimes in with: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a night like what I’ve seen tonight.” Since when? Where have you been all show, Mr. Voyeur? Don’t throw this on us like you’ve been watching through a peep hole or something. We don’t see him the whole show, yet he knows exactly what’s going on. Something’s not right here with the Host. I think it’s his sexuality. I’m sorry. I apologize. He’s married anyway. To a….enough. -Horny Bob turns to Serious Bob in a matter of moments: “I need to use this room for exactly what it’s supposed to be used for.” And what exactly is that? Sleeping? That room is no different than any of the others besides its candles, “Pick me!” photos, and lame video messages from the desperate women. The “Deliberation room” should be used for two things and two things only: getting it on with the ladies, and phony conversations about how tough the choice is on who to eliminate. -The video messages are shown. Nothing spectacular. Although Mary the Sunday football watcher told us she loved singing “Open Arms” with Bob. Yes, we loved you guys butchering the lyrics as well. I’m sure Steve Perry is filing copyright infringement papers right now. “Oh Sherry….I’m in love. Hold on….hold on!” Sorry. Needed my Steve Perry fix for the night. And can you believe this? Bob picked up Lee-Ann’s picture for the third time in a row! This is driving me nuts. He looks at everyone else’s, yet he always picks hers up and holds it like he’s got a big decision to make with her. Let’s be honest here, as much of a b**** as she is, and the fact that every girl hates her, only means that she’s going to be around until the end. Of course, she won’t win, but she’ll be there. -Time for the Rose Ceremony. Nothing shocking if you ask me. I did notice however that Bob likes to twirl the rose and lightly stroke it in his hand before giving it out. Andy just used to hold it out in front of him and look down until the very last second when he announced their name. I swear to God I’m going to get help for this. Mary- Hmmm…think that “football on Sundays” had any bearing on getting rose #1? I think sooooo…… Kelly Ho- I think when he gave her the rose, he called her “K-Jo”. Please tell me he didn’t. Brooke- I can’t tell you a damn thing about her. Estella- Good. Meredith- Good. “Ladies. Bob. This is the…..” WE KNOW. Katie Holmes- Wow. What suspense. Make her wait til’ the end. Not surprising. -I think this is one of the more easier “Bachelors” to call. Estella or Meredith is going to win this thing. However, I don’t think both of them will be in the finals. Katie will be one of the final two. And whoever makes it between Estella and Meredith wins it all. It’s dead even at this point. But if by some miracle I’m wrong, and it’s Estella AND Meredith in the finals, flip a coin. -Our good friend Misty suffered the emotional breakdown of the evening. Even much better than that chick in the first episode that hadn’t spent more than 10 minutes with Bob before freaking out on us. Whack job. Anyway, Misty is just beside herself. Mascara running all down her face, can’t speak, covering her face with both hands for a good ten seconds. Complete meltdown. Well done. -Jenny and Antoinette were also sad to leave. Jenny feels disappointed that she didn’t act herself around Bob but said, “I just don’t want to compete for guys.” Then why’d you come on the show? I don’t think Karin the Token gave a s*** either way. I mean, how obvious was it that he wasn’t going to pick her? On the group date, they never showed any alone time he had with her, and even when he pulled everyone aside for some final words at the end of the night, they didn’t show any interaction between them again either. Like she cares. Karin the Token and Bob would have lasted all of 10 minutes together. -So next week the ladies get narrowed from six down to four. Well, between Brooke, Mary, and Kelly Ho, two of them will be gone. And next week, we get to see three of Bob’s friends, including Jamie from the “Bachelorette”. You know, the blonde guy with the whitest teeth in the history of mankind who asked permission from Trista if he could kiss her? Yeah, that wuss is back. He and Bob are friends now. Hey, why is his ex-wife so secretive about their marriage? And why isn’t she helping him with his decision since according to him, they’re still “best friends, and I’ll always love her.” Do you want to hear that from your future husband? Didn’t think so. back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
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