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THE BACHELOR 7 LINKS
THE BACHELOR 7
3.28.05


So for those of you who read my last column on the “Bachelorette 3” finale, you may be surprised that I’ve changed my mind and decided to write about this season of the “Bachelor”. There are two reasons for the change. First, this is probably the last season they have of this show, so what’s the point of quitting on the last season? That didn’t sound right to me. And secondly, go back and read the last column I wrote. I did. I almost had to slap myself. Could I have whined and bitched any more than I did? I pretty much re-read that last column at least two or three times and said to myself, “Quit being such a girl. What the hell are you so bitter about?” I realized that I was taking this “Bachelor/ette” series way too seriously. The show had suckered me in and was actually beginning to make me care for what actually happened to these couples, which is the exact opposite of what I should’ve been doing. Sure, I made the column sarcastic and humorous, but I was embarrassed for being so upset at Jen for being “boring”, and upset at Jerry for being a “player”. In all honesty, who cares? Let them do what they want. My job is to sit back and make fun of it all anyway, so I shouldn’t care what happens to these people regardless. And that’s the way I decided to approach this season. This isn’t about “Who is Charlie going to pick?” and “Will they last?” In fact, none of us should care. The minute I start to get emotionally invested in who should win, and who’s not opening up to Charlie, and the concept of marriage in six weeks, that’s when we’ve lost all sight about what this show’s about. Let’s just go into it knowing that NOBODY on this show will stay together, NOBODY is going to fall in love with anyone, and I think it’ll make this season that much more enjoyable. Ahhhh….that felt good. Let the festivities begin.

-With all that said, the opportunity to pass up writing about a C-list actor practically proclaiming himself a "player” yet deciding to do the show, made my decision to write all that more easy. I mean, are you kidding me? Charlie O’Connell? You wanna know this guy’s movie and TV credits? He hasn’t been in a movie since 2003, and since the year 1999, he's been in such Oscar winners as “Kiss the Bride”, “The New Guy”, “Devil’s Prey”, “Dude, Where’s my Car?”, and “Cruel Intentions”. I mean, I could’ve have casted a better bachelor if I tried. As for TV, he’s guest appeared on “Crossing Jordan” (real shocker since his brother is a co-star on the show), “Viva La Bam”, “Without a Trace”, “Zoe, Duncan, Jack & Jane”, “V.I.P.”, and “Sliders”. To call him a C-list actor might actually be a compliment. Once I realized what this guy was all about, it’s like even the “Bachelor” producers and directors even said, “You know what? The hell with it. Let’s go out with a bang. Let’s cast this pseudo-celebrity, revamp the whole concept of the show, and see if that draws people in.” And you know what? I like it.

-I love the fact the show isn’t taking itself so seriously anymore, so why should I? Roses can be given out whenever, they’ve done away with the limos and ridiculous expensive dates that never happen on first dates, the women aren't getting dressed to the nine’s every single time they go out, the women get to bitch at each other during the rose ceremony, etc. What’s not to like about this season already? The reason we were getting tired of the past seasons is because everything was so predictable. Hell, they even changed the background music of the show from being slow and dreary to spicing it up with a more upbeat, dance, disco mix to it. All in all, I’m thoroughly impressed with the direction they’ve gone in, even though I thought change wouldn’t even matter to this dying franchise. So I’m gonna do certain things this season with the column that I’ve never done before either. That will happen in the following weeks.

-And of the seven bachelors, although Charlie may not be in the top three looks-wise, at least this dolt has some personality to him, and even HE doesn’t seem to be taking the whole process too seriously. I mean hell, do you honestly think this guy is looking to settle down with someone? Just look at him. You can just tell this guy is a skirt chasing booze hound. All the more reason to enjoy this fiasco. If this guy doesn’t set the record for times getting laid in one single season, he’s failed. That’s what we should all be cheering for. Like I care who wins this thing? Hell, we’re down to twelve women already and only a couple even stand out. Just let them all catfight and bicker over who gets to get dumped by Charlie first. See if I care. Just make it entertaining along the way. Which by the looks of things, won’t be too hard.

-So they start off by Host Chris telling all the girls they have five minutes to meet Charlie downstairs in the ballroom. Another brilliant idea. No time to do your makeup, no time to shower. Just go downstairs looking like holy hell, and if he picks you, he picks you. But whatever the case, you can’t wear your $1000 dress with your $500 six-inch heels and spend 17 hours on your hair. You see, Charlie isn’t looking for that. He wants to know what you’re going to look like in the morning rolling over after a night of drinking and partying and two hours sleep. That’s more like it. Speaking of two hours sleep, that’s what I’m working on since I got a late start to “24” and the “Bachelor” last night. Finished watching the show at 1:00am, woke up at 3:00am to start typing. Yeah, this is why I decided to write again. The precious hours of sleep I’ll never get back.

-So the cameras pan to these girls scurrying to get ready in five minutes. Whether or not they REALLY gave them only five minutes to get ready remains to be seen. Definitely could’ve been some creative editing done there, but nonetheless, by the looks of some of these women, it wasn’t more than ten minutes. I think my favorite was hearing how a lot of them never even showered, or bothered to throw on a bra or panties. Heck, already we got a first in the show’s history. A woman in action putting on her purple thong with only her towel on. We’re ten minutes into the show and I’m loving it already. I’m sure she was thrilled about that.

-So the girls get downstairs and Chris shows them a small video clip of who the “Bachelor” is. They introduce us to Charlie who’s “a real guy, looking for a real girl”. And Charlie thinks girls look “much better without make up on.” He’s looking for a “nice girl who likes to laugh and has a good personality.” Translation: He’s looking to get laid. Don’t bother staying around if you have no intention of putting out. I mean, as boring and bland as Jen Schefft’s sexual chemistry was, Charlie’s is completely opposite and is exploding through the roof. If this guy were any more of a horndog, he might’ve been arrested by the end of the show.

-Sarah B. is the first to give her reaction to the new “Bachelor”. Sarah B.: “He definitely made me weak at the knees. Soooo cute.” Well, we know she’s around for a while. How can she not be? She’s already passed Rule #1 for this season: Being completely enamored with Charlie. The more you oogle over him, the better chance you have of staying. Well, that and how quickly you’re willing to give up the ass.

-So after being introduced to the 25 women, Charlie will have a timed 2 minute date with each of them where pretty much anything goes. Another brilliant concept. Instead of putting them in their evening gowns, and walking them up a flight of stairs to meet their future husband, they throw two on a couch, set a timer, and have at it. Man, I don’t want this season to end. Can we have five more “Bachelor” seasons all with male whores like Charlie? During these two minute meetings, Charlie was given two red roses to pass out right away, so those women would be safe for the voting at the first rose ceremony. So not all 25 made the greatest impression for me, but here’s the ones that did….

Anitra- basically was wearing no bra or panties and threw on the bed sheet before meeting him. Tells Charlie if she wasn’t wearing that piece of cloth she threw on, she’d show him her tattoos. But to do that, she’d have to lift the whole thing up over her head, and in the first two minutes, that just wouldn’t be too lady like. That’s o.k. Just the thought of insinuating she had tattoos that are probably somewhere down near her hoo-ha earned her points right away.

Kimberly- One of the better implant jobs this season, she comes in and sits right on his lap for the whole two minutes. This girl literally could’ve thrown up all over him, and she was still getting a rose at some point. She tells him she’s Ukranian and can cook. I don’t know what one has to do with the other, if anything, but I’m guessing he wasn’t paying attention anyway considering a half-naked women was sitting on his lap and her silicone was within a couple inches of his eye level. I’d be shocked if she isn’t in the final four.

Krisily- another girl who insinuated she had a tattoo that is somewhere mysterious on her body. Charlie: “If a girl has a tattoo, it means she’s willing to make mistakes.” Whatever. Quit trying to think Charlie, it’s making my head hurt. Just keep being a complete pig. You’re more likable that way.

Emilie- she decided the way to impress Charlie was to have a thumb war with him. And if she won, he had to give her one of the two roses. She lost. Damn. So obviously he never wanted to give her a rose, or else he would’ve let her win like any gentleman would do. Although, I never would. I’m too competitive. No one’s ever beaten me at thumb war. Then again, sex or groping was never at stake either. I’m guessing I could pull up lame with a thumb cramp if that was on the line.

Sarah W.- she calls herself an “extreme” girl because she likes the outdoors, and rock climbing, and water skiing, and band camp, and…..anyway, she has to proven her “extreme” nature by showing Charlie a little scar right around her pelvic bone area. Ding! Ding! Ding! Congrats. The slight lifting of the blouse, followed by the slight tugging down of the pants is the quickest way to Charlie’s heart. She gets the first rose. Shocker. Then there was a visible red mark on her shoulder Charlie thought was a hickie. She claims it was a spider bite. Sure it was. Just say it’s a hickie and you’re pretty much guaranteed a spot in the finals.

-Commerical. This wasn’t a commercial but I had to bring up something I read today. If there’s one thing I have a fascination with outside of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Katie Holmes, it’s relationships. I have no expertise in this field (although I was only a few credits short of minoring in psychology in college), nor do I claim to be an expert. I just like hearing about other people’s relationships, good or bad, just so I can soak it all in. So more often than not, I find myself reading the Q&A parts of the newspaper where people write in about their relationship problems. Usually it’s “Dear Abby”, or “Dear Ann”, or “Dear Whoever Will Listen to Me Babble”. Whatever the case, I have to share the one I read today that was written to “Dear Amy (whoever that is)”. This is word for word what she wrote.

Dear Amy, I’m 16 and I’ve been with this guy for 2 ½ years. He’s a year older than I am but we’re in the same grade. I’m thinking about proposing to him, but I’m not sure. Everybody I talk to says we’re too young, but I didn’t want to lose him when he moves back to his hometown. What should I do? - Confused

I mean, on how many levels is this just the most absurd thing you’ve ever read? That some 16 year old actually took the time to write this because she actually needed some advice on it, is mind boggling to me. She’s 16 and she wants to propose to her boyfriend! WHAT???!!!! At sixteen, I could barely walk and chew gum without tripping over myself. This girl is thinking marriage? Think this girl will be an emotional basket case for the rest of her life? Just curious. Unbelievable. Sorry. I just needed to share that with you. If you don’t believe me, “Dear Amy” is a nationally syndicated column. Pick up yesterday’s paper and find the “Life” or “Calendar” section and you’ll see it. I’m still scratching my head over that one.

Kristine- she’s a swimsuit model and decided to arrive only to immediately strip down into her bikini. And in her bikini top which so firmly held her fake breasts in place was a poem she had written for the “bachelor”. I couldn’t remember a word of it, and neither could Charlie. So before she left, hooker girl put her blouse back on over her bikini, yet gave Charlie her bikini top as a souvenir. There's no doubt in my mind that not only will Charlie get laid this season, one of these whores might actually let him film it.

Geitan- Pronounced “Zhee-tan”. She walked in making a chicken sound. Then she said she could make other farm animal noises. And didn’t need to be having sex at the time to do it either. So both of them made monkey noises together. I did not understand the purpose of any of this other than this girl might be a complete freak in bed.

Katie- she immediately told Charlie she wanted to kiss him to see if they had any chemistry between them. They kissed, there was no tongue, and Charlie wasn’t too impressed. Not shocking to find out she’s not around anymore.

Valerie- I didn’t notice any “N” or “R” rating at the top of the screen before this chick arrived, but they’re should’ve been one. Yet another girl with a tattoo to show Charlie, but this one was definitely “downtown”, as Charlie so eloquently put it. And considering it was before 10:00, I’m shocked we all got to see it along with him. For those that missed it, let’s just say it’s a good thing before she went on the show that Miss Valerie here had her Brazilian wax done. Holy smokes that was a close one. I’m still in awe they showed that. And amazingly enough, no rose for this stripper.

Kara- says she was “brought up right” and was a “good Southern girl”. When Charlie asks, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?”, she responds, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” So, “brought up right”, “good Southern girl”, and “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. Later in the show, we find out Kara is the only single mom to ever appear on this show. She’s 26 and has a 9 year old daughter. Immediately when I think of a “good, Southern girl”, the first image I have is always a 26 year old mother and her 9 year old daughter. For those math majors out there, that basically means her Vegas story probably consists of her getting knocked up when she was 17. Oh boy.

Kerry- he gave her the 2nd rose of the night, and I don’t know why. I don’t remember a thing about her. She must’ve slipped him her room key or something we missed.

Kindle- quite an interesting name. Can’t say I’ve ever heard of anyone with that name before. She’s a dancer for the Dallas Mavericks. Translation: She’s slept with Dirk Nowitski. Those who aren’t basketball fans, forget I even said that.

Danushka- she was, in her mind, God’s gift to women. Had on her sunglasses, which couldn’t have been any more tacky, and admitted to not having a bra or underwear on. What’s the point? When you’re 5’10” and 85 lbs, probably slides right off anyway.

-Host Chris tells Charlie he immediately has to eliminate five women based off the first impression. Translation: The five biggest prudes will be going home after the commercial break.

-Commercial. Big day on “Oprah” today. Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley in their first televised interview together, or something like that. Oooohhh, gotta see that. I cannot wait. Make sure you ask Lisa Marie how on God’s green earth did she ever think that being married to Michael Jackson would be a good thing? Ask her if he ever let little boys sleep between them at night. And ask her about that fake kiss they gave each other at the VMA’s that might’ve been the sloppiest, worst rehearsed act of affection in this history of stage and screen. I can’t imagine why these two never lasted. She’s the daughter of one of Rock-n-Roll’s all time legends, and he’s a pedophile who plays with monkeys and hangs out with Macaulay Culkin. Seemed like they’d be together forever. Michael Jackson is a sick, sick individual. And things aren’t looking good for him in this trial. Hey Michael, if you and a 13 year old boys fingerprints are all over a dirty magazine, let’s just say we’re not far from you having a boyfriend in the near future.

-Charlie lets his first five ladies go: Kristine, Heather, Brenda, Debbie, and Katie. All of them had one similar trait to them. Well, two actually. All of them had dark hair, and all of them weren’t nearly as slutty enough for Charlie’s standards. Sorry ladies. You want Charlie O’Connell? You might want to hike up that skirt a little higher, get yourself some implants, or firmly plant your face in his crotch at a moment’s notice.

-With 20 girls left, they will be split up into three group dates, and on each group date, Charlie will hand out two roses. Charlie calls the girls place, tells them where the date will be and how many women are supposed to go on it, but it’s up to the women to decide which of them get to go on the dates. Another great idea. Let these women catfight over who gets to be part of which group date instead of the producers handpicking them. I’m liking this more and more. Anything that puts women in the most stressful situation possible cannot be considered a bad thing. Especially for this show. If there’s one thing I’ve discovered in my lifetime about women, it’s this: They are fully incapable of functioning as a normal human being when they’re stressed out. It’s impossible and don’t argue it with me. Now, take that factor and multiply it by 20 girls cramped into one loft and you have the makings of great television my friends.

-And like I said earlier, I really enjoy the fact these group dates aren’t these all expense paid, fake dates that no one will ever go on during their first date in real life. Charlie’s first group date is with 5 women, and he takes them to play pool. The five women are supposed to be: Carrie, Megan, Anitra, Emilie, and Kristen. However, Kindle decided she would run downstairs and jump in the car before the other five girls got there so she could make a name for herself and stand out. It worked. Carrie ended up being the one hosed and had to go back upstairs while Kindle pulled Charlie aside at the pool hall and they had a mini-dance off. To say Charlie is the next MC Hammer would be stretching it because, well, he was a complete dork dancing. But Kindle showed us her Dallas Maverick gyrations, and let’s just say, it took four seconds to reel Charlie in as she got a rose. Charlie: “I think cheerleaders are great.” Translation: I think Kindle will definitely give it up to me at some point.

-Anitra was the other girl to get a rose in this group for the sole reason she was the only one that didn’t beg Charlie for one. Megan and Kristen both told him to his face, “I want a rose.” Not, “I’d love to stick around and get to know you better”, or “I really think we have a connection here and would be honored if we can continue this”. Geez ladies, is Charlie just a piece of meat to you? Don’t you realize the guy has feelings too? You heard the man, he’s looking for someone warm, and fun, with a great personality. All those things are so much more important to him than a blonde with a giant fake rack who’ll perform lewd sexual acts on him during the fantasy dates down the line. These women are going about their approach all wrong. Given in to his sensitive side, and that’ll be the way to his heart. And then, if for whatever reason that doesn’t work, then take off your clothes.

-The next group date will be a night on the town with 8 of the girls. For some reason, Siomara decided to put herself in charge of picking the eight girls for this one. Gina Marie, the Miami Dolphins head cheerleader, was fully expecting to go, but when Charlie showed up, Siomara stoned her and didn’t pick her. So the eight left going were: Siomara, Sarah W., Geitan, Krisily, Carrie, Kyshawn (the token black girl), Sarah B., and Kristine. One of these geniuses, I think it was Krisily, wanted as many girls who already had roses in her group because it increased her chances of getting one. Outstanding math there, Krisily. Of course, if all else fails, you can just go to the “body shot” card, which Krisily did eventually when she was unsure about getting one of the roses. Just like you don’t hear about many men who turn down sex, you’ve never really heard a woman say to a man, “Come here and come lick this shot off my stomach”, and then get, “Nahhh, that’s o.k. I have no interest in that”, in return. Just doesn’t happen. And what’s with some of the names this season? Anitra, Danushka, Geitan, Kindle, Krisily, and Siomara? How did the rejects from “America’s Next Top Model” end up on this show?

-Kyshawn pulls Charlie aside to ask if he’s even into interracial dating. Charlie: “Yeah. I went to prom with a black girl. I’ve dated them all.” Translation: I have no interest in interracial dating. Isn’t that answer pretty much the equivalent of Charlie saying “I’ve got lots of black friends” when asked if he’s racist? But at least Kyshawn pretty much exposed the stereotype on this show that no woman of color ever goes far. Yet another positive about this season. Is it too late to win an Emmy for the seventh installment of the “Bachelor”?

-Krisily asks Charlie to share something with her that no one else knows. Charlie tells her he’s dyslexic, which she admits to also. However, Charlie is dyslexic with letters, whereas, Krisily is dyslexic with numbers. Sweet. I want her to win now for the sole reason that these two would be an absolute circus together. You know, with him not being able to read at all, and her screwing up their finances every month. This’ll be a hoot. Please, pick her. And I think the thing Krisily mentioned about herself was that she used to be 200 lbs. Really? Or was she joking? She looks like she’s barely 100 lbs. She lost a whole person if that the case. And she works for the Boston Red Sox. Sorry. Just read that on her bio.

-For the 100th time since the show started, Charlie tells someone, “I’m just looking for someone to have fun with.” Translation: At what point during this process do you think I could get your pants off? I mean geez, who isn’t looking for someone they can have fun with? Last time I checked, most people don’t go out looking for someone that makes them absolutely miserable, or treats them like crap. Oh wait. What am I talking about? That’s exactly what a lot of women settle for. Woops. Ouch. That’s a tough one. But it’s true. You know what they say about women, “The good ones are taken, and the others want guys who treat them like sh**”. Or maybe that’s just a saying between us guys. Be honored I let you in on one of our secrets.

-Kristine the half-naked swimsuit model gets Charlie alone and lets him in on a little secret. She’s very horny right now. No, kidding. That wasn’t it. Although it could’ve been. No, she tells him that she’s a part-time swimsuit model, and a part time private investigator for the government? Look, I hate to prejudge anyone, but if this bimbo is working for the government, this country is going to hell in a handbasket. Yeah, sure you are honey. And I’m the Secretary of Defense, William Heller (Yeah, well, I had to get a “24” reference in here at some point).

-When all 8 girls are huddled around Charlie throwing themselves at him for the last rose, Gina Marie arrives to crash the party because she feels like she was unjustly snubbed from the date by Siomara. So wait, he sent Carrie back upstairs when Kindle stole her place in the van and there were already five women, but Gina Marie could show up on the date of eight women, and not be sent home? Someone explain this to me. Oh yeah, Host Chris already did when he said, “The only rule is, there are no rules.” Gotcha. Another reason I love this season. No rules obviously means any form of sex will now be allowed on the date, and not this bogus “No mouth-to-genital contact” that the contracts they sign apparently stipulate. Booooooooooo……who wants that?

-Commerical. “Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Dangerous” opened this past weekend. Or maybe it was the weekend before. Or the weekend before that. Who cares? I never saw the first one anyway. Although, I’ve always been a fan of Sandra Bullock. Don’t know why that first one never really made it to my DVD shelf. She was great in “Speed”, and “Time to Kill”, and “The Net”. As for “Speed 2”, well, let’s just forget that ever happened. And “While You Were Sleeping” is one of the few chick flicks I enjoyed and I have no idea why. But the 37 times a week they show it on one of my 7 HBO’s, I always find myself watching it. Why am I talking about Sandra Bullock’s career? Let’s stop this and resume with the sluts from this season of the “Bachelor”, shall we? Speaking of that, one last thing, has Sandra Bullock ever done any remotely sexual scene in a movie, other than just kissing Keanu Reeves after the bus blows up? Hmmmm….she should look into that. Ok. Enough career advice for Sandra. She seems to be doing fine.

-Charlie hasn’t handed out any roses for this date yet, so Krisily takes the initiative and offers a body shot off her stomach, which apparently used to be 200 lbs. Charlie’s ecstatic and, surprise, gives Krisily a rose. But not for the reason you think. Charlie: “Krisily is exciting and she’s nice. And I did not give her a rose because of the body shot.” Uh huh. Sure you didn’t. I’m sure being inches away from her crotch while licking her stomach had nothing to do with wanting to keep this girl around for a while. I can’t see why something like that would ever come into play with a male hooker like Charlie.

-Sarah W., who was the first receive a rose during the 2 minute “interviews”, pulls Charlie aside for some alone time. And he wastes no time in jamming his tongue in her esophagus. Charlie is impressed. Charlie: “Sarah is an absolute knockout.” I wonder why that is? Is it because she’s intelligent, has some of the same likes as Charlie, and is a great conversationalist, or is it the fact she readily accepted his tongue in her mouth while wearing the shortest black mini skirt in the show’s history? That’s a tough one. I’ll get back to you on that.

-Geitan is not like the other girls, so she decides she wants out of the competition. Geitan: "This is not me.” Charlie: “She was at the wrong place at the wrong time.” Geitan has morals and standards that she lives by, and apparently since she doesn’t own a TV and hasn’t seen the nine previous seasons of this show, just found out that morals and standards get thrown out the window when it comes to the “Bachelor” series. Geitan belonged on this show as much as Kobe belongs at the Miss Black Awareness Pageant.

-The last group date goes to the 6 remaining girls for volleyball and rock climbing. So Jenny, Danushke, Kerry, Valerie, Kara, and Kimberly are all off to win two more roses. Kerry already has one so two girls are competing for five roses. But if you really did the math here, there wasn’t a chance in hell Danushke was getting one, and Kimberly is the one with the giant, fake rack who sat on his lap. In case you haven’t noticed, that’s a big deal to Charlie. The sluttier the better.

-Danushke immediately sees she could be the odd woman out on this date. Danushke: “I didn’t fit in because I didn’t have big hooters. But that’s o.k. If I wanted them, I would’ve bought them like these girls did.” That’s what we need to see more of on this show: breast envy. Can never get enough of that. Hell, I don’t blame Kimberly for flaunting her goods to Charlie. I mean, isn’t that the whole point of getting them? If you’re going to spend thousands of dollars to enhance your personal appearance, you’re most certainly not to going to start wearing oversized sweaters are you? Do you buy a Porsche to leave it parked in the garage while you drive around in a Nissan Sentra? Didn’t think so. Are fake breasts what all men want? Not necessarily. But it doesn’t hurt to have them. Put it this way: Outside of the physical complications one might get from getting implants, there isn’t much of a downside to having them. Women are more emotional, guys are more physical. I don’t think anyone will argue that. So if you’re whole reason for getting them is to draw more attention to yourself than you maybe weren’t getting before, it helps. No denying that. Hell, I don’t blame you for it. If I were a woman, I’d probably get em’ too. But on the flip side, it doesn’t guarantee you jack sh**. Except bigger tips if you’re a waitress. That’s a universally accepted, time-tested theory done by me. Trust me on that one. Where was I?

-Jenny pulls Charlie aside and asks what does he like to do on the weekend? And Mr. Excitement came back with, “Well, I like to golf on Saturdays, and watch football on Sunday.” Wow. Why aren’t women lining up around the corner for this guy? Just what every woman wants. You ladies understand that golf on Saturdays is at least a 6 to 7 hour event, right? We get there an hour to an hour and half early to grab a bite and hit a bucket of balls, the round itself takes 4 to 5 hours to play, then afterwards it’s beers and gambling in the clubhouse. As for football on Sunday, that’s just 6 hours straight of doing nothing but having another excuse to drink, be loud and obnoxious with our friends, scratch ourselves and place bets. Charlie is the stereotype for what every woman claims they don’t want. Yet he’s one of America’s most eligible bachelors? Of course he is, cuz’ no one will marry his ass. I love the joke they’re playing on us this season. Good stuff.

-Kara needs to break the news to Charlie. Kara: “I’m a single mom. I have a 9 year old daughter named Kaitlin. I’m 26. And yes, I forgot my pills at home on a weekend Vegas trip when I was 17.” Woops. Like that matters to Charlie. I can totally see this guy settling down with a mature, stay at home nanny who has a 9 year old daughter of her own, don’t you? I just spit my apple juice all over my computer screen. Remember earlier, I said I started typing at 3:00am? It’s 6:40am right now. Almost done. And I have a 10 ½ hour workday ahead of me, followed by coming home to watch “American Idol”, and “Inferno II”. Then I’ll pass out. Why do I do this again?

-Uhhhhh, Kimberly amazingly enough got the last rose before the rose ceremony. And remember, let’s get it through our heads, it had absolutely nothing to do with her chest size, nor her willingness to flaunt them at any chance in front of Charlie. Charlie is a complete gentleman and doesn’t let the everyday sexual temptations affect his decision making in any way, shape, or form. His eliminations have nothing to do with whether or not you have dark hair, or if you seem like you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose. None at all. These are purely based on the connection he’s built up with these women through conversation, how their personalities coincide with one another, and whether or not the woman he decides to choose, will one day end up being the best possible Mrs. Charlie O’Connell as possible. That was beautiful, Steve. Thank you. My apple juice is now in my lap.

-Commercial. The Olive Garden has just come out with a “Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo”. Are you kidding me? Just when I didn’t think they could possibly beat the “Stuffed Chicken Marsala” they throw this dish at me? I’m booking a reservation for one this weekend and soon. If there was ever something that made my taste buds water, it’s something that has “Gorgonzola” in it. Ummmm, what is Gorgonzola? Put it this way, if it’s at the Olive Garden, it must be tasty. I’ll think I’ll have two of those, thank you.

-Rose ceremonies are a little different this time around. The ladies now have the opportunity to basically talk sh** to each other before he hands out the roses. So if you want to throw somebody under the bus, now’s your chance. Or you could pretend you’re above that and kiss Charlie’s ass for a few seconds in a desperate attempt to get a rose. Uh oh. Geitan has returned. She’s had a change of heart. And she has on a low cut top, a bottle a tequila, a salt shaker, and a lemon in hand. Kidding. But she did come back. And she looks about 45 years old. Geitan: “I’m here for love. I just felt uncomfortable in our group date setting and I will not compromise my behavior.” Well, and that’s why you won’t be getting a rose tonight. Charlie likey compromising one’s behavior. In fact, it’s encouraged.

-Sarah B. is the first one to speak out. And also the first one to kiss ass. Sarah B.: “I just wanted to say, I loved spending time with you, I would really love to get a rose tonight, and it would be great if we could end world peace.” Whatever she babbled, it worked.

-Danushke questioned why Geitan returned. Danushke: “I thought you left because you didn’t think you were getting a rose.” Geitan: “No, I didn’t say that. I…I…errr…uhhhh….AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” Geitan turned into a pile of jelly at this point.

-Then Krisily was next on Danushke’s warpath. Danushke: “Charlie, if I had given you a body shot, would I have gotten a rose.” Krisily: “You can say what you want about me, call me the bitch of the house, I don’t care…..” Danushke (interrupting): “That doesn’t make you a bitch, it makes you a slut.” Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh. Ouch. Low blow. Keep the hands up ladies. Keep em’ up. However, Krisily then made a very good point. At least she’s a slut who’ll have a rose at the end of the night. Then Charlie chimed in with his two cents on Danushke telling her he didn’t think she was here for the right reasons, and the $5.99 pair of sunglasses she wore during the two minute “interview” was a turn off. Probably not something you want to hear from a guy about to give out the roses. Oh well. She needs a sandwich or ten anyway.

-Time for the roses to be handed out, and already seven women have one: Sarah W., Kerry, Kindle, Anitra, Krisily, Jenny, and Kimberly. Five of the remaining twelve will get them.

Sarah B.: I guess her boot licking worked.
Kara: Hot single mama moves on to Round 2. Jerry wants a step daughter.
Carrie: Got stoned by Kindle on date one, yet comes back with a rose. The underdog lives to tell another day. Ok, maybe that was exaggerated.
Gina Marie: Exactly how many former or current cheerleaders or dancers are in this season? Half of them?
Megan: Ummmm, I know nothing about her. Oh wait. Here’s her bio. “Third runner-up Miss Florida USA, and I was a cheerleader at Florida St.” Wow. They have absolutely no shame this season. And I love it. So if you were to go Vegas right now, I think the odds of Charlie ending up with someone who has a cheerleader/dancer background probably pays about 1 to 5.

-And by the way, after Gina Marie’s rose, and before Megan’s rose, they’ve even done away with, “Ladies, Charlie….this is the final rose of the night.” Now you know how completely revamped the show is if they’re taking THAT institution out. It almost brought a tear to my eye.

-On their way out, a couple girls had parting words. Danushke said, “He did me a favor.” Yes, he did. He allowed you to be able to eat more than a peanut a day. Go feed yourself for Christ sakes. As for our bikini model/government agent Kristine? Yikes. Definitely the Stu of this season. “I’m going to continue to think about him. I love him.” Words cannot even describe the idiocy behind her actions. Did somebody just say “I love him” after three days with him? Did I hear that correctly? Whoa.

-I must say, it’s good to be back. Twelve pages worth of material that took 4 hours and 15 minutes to write. Felt like I never left. Thank God I typed “Reality Roundup” last night, which was by far the longest edition of “Reality Roundup” I’d done since I had three weeks of stuff to go over. Click on that link to catch up on some other shows. Take care. Until next week…..

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