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1.21.04
I don’t know what television executives are thinking, but someone should pay dearly for what’s happening on Wednesday nights this season. My God. I am now forced to get TiVo. Explain to me how someone without the use of TiVo is expected to watch “Smallville”, “American Idol”, and “The Apprentice” when they’re all on during the 8:00 hour? At 9:00 obviously is the the “Bachelorette”, but considering I grew up in Orange County, yet still haven’t seen a single episode of “The O.C.”, well, I have ABC to blame for that one. I’m disgracing my hometown. West Wing? Psh-shaw. No need for actual good television shows in my life. Just fill me with more garbage like “My Big Fat Belligerent Obnoxious Pig Fiance”, and “The Surreal Life”. This is getting to be too much. Yeah right. Keep it comin’. Let’s begin…
-So we start off with Host boy yelling at the guys to come down into the main room. Not like they didn’t know they already had to be there, but I guess the yelling added to the drama. What were the guys doing upstairs? Let’s see, if I had to guess, 15 heterosexual men who are pent up in a house and closed off to civilization….hmmm…..toughie. I’ll say they were all masturbating. Just a guess.
-Host informs us that normally there are 3 group dates of five at this point in the game. But not this time. Ooooh. Tricky. There will be two group dates of seven, and Rick is informed the gay white rose he got means that he’s getting the one-on-one date. Rick is wearing a complete woman’s hat during this news. I was half expecting it to have a giant flower on it. What the hell was that? Anyway, he’s definitely happy about some alone time, “When we looked into each others eyes, we could see each others souls.” Huh? Easy there, cupid. My God. His “connection” within five seconds of meeting her is equivalent to that of a couple that’s been married 75 years. Dude, you can’t see her soul, all right. Shutup.
-Meredith has a video message for her first batch of tools telling them to wear their helmets and hoping they’re not afraid of heights. Very vague. If I hadn’t seen the commercial already, I’d think they were all about to become members of the Mile High Club. Is that really something to brag about? “I had sex with my boyfriend at 35,000 feet in the air.” Great. And I bet it was just as crappy at high altitude as it is on your kitchen floor. “Well, it’s the fear of getting caught which makes it so exciting.” Sure it is. I used to think the “fear of getting caught” thing was cool. Until about the age of twelve, then it kinda wore off.
-So this group date is to Coyote Dry Lake in Paradise Valley, California. They all get to go ATV’ing and get dirty. Woo hoo. Count me in. I can’t think of anything more fun and romantic at the same time than getting completely drenched in mud while straddling some crotch rocket and not even getting to talk to my date. Hopefully this is the last we’ll see of Coyote Dry Lake in California.
-Back at the mansion, the next video message comes and it’s the Beaver dressed in a luxurious gown with her sparkling clip-on earrings telling Rick that their solo date is next and it’ll be at a beautiful Beverly Hills mansion. Rick is excited, the other guys are jealous, and Rick can’t believe some horrible pair of slippers got him into a mansion with a good looking chick.
-Back at Coyote S***hole Lake, Ryan M. takes Meredith away for some alone time. And from the time he took her away, til’ the time Harold came to rescue her, Ryan M. didn’t stop talking for more than a millisecond. Meredith: “Ryan likes to talk. He’ll talk about anything. His energy’s enough for the both of us.” Translation: Ryan, shut the hell up, please! This babbler literally wouldn’t shutup and let Meredith get a word in edgewise. Maybe she likes that, maybe she doesn’t. I just know either he was nervous, or he was on speed. One of the two.
-So when Ryan M. goes back to talk to the fellas, the spewing of words at a record pace out of his mouth continues, “I thought I’d come here for fun and leave. I never thought Reality TV was real. This is real. That girl’s great.” She is? How do you know? She never spoke. I guess Ryan M. likes mutes. Attractive girl, listens to what you have to say, doesn’t speak. Come to think about it…..
-So now it’s Harold’s turn to embarrass himself and he did just that. Harold’s got that always-intelligent-sounding Canadian accent. Like, the word “about” is pronounced “a boat”. Basically, he’s “Fargo”. Or “Strange Brew”. But believe it or not, that wasn’t his downfall. No, his downfall began when he uttered this line in his first alone time with a potential wife, “I find pregnant women as one of the most beautiful things.” Hey Speedy Gonzalez, where could you possibly come up with that? She doesn’t even know what position you like it in yet and you’re talking about impregnating her? Not a good start.
-So now it’s time for Rick’s solo date. One thing Rick immediately has going against him is he’s shorter than her. But he’ll wow her with this line, “I like to travel, I like to be adventerous, but I’m not an outdoorsman.” Gotcha. So he travels, but is not an outdoorsman. So he’s adventurous, but he’s not an outdoorsman. I have no idea what on God’s green earth this tool box is talking about.
-Rick: “I’m metrosexual.” Translation: I’m more into myself than you. This is the new hip term making the rounds now. “Metrosexual.” Basically it’s guys that are admitting they have a strong feminine side to themselves. So without calling themselves “gay”, they like to throw out, “I’m metrosexual.” No you’re not. You’re a girl.
-Our first good glimpse at getting to know the real Rick. He’s super high maintenance. The waiter arrives to bring more wine, but Ricky wants “Oakwood Chardonnay.” Then he’s even pickier about the basil on his tomatoes, refusing to eat it. I understand people get picky over certain things, but Rick-man, not on the first date. As Chris Rock says, “The first time you go out with a man, you’re not meeting him, you’re meeting his representative”. Couldn’t be any more true. Except with Rick. He’s not wasting any time showing Meredith what a giant pussy he is.
-So Meredith digs a little deeper. “What do you want?” Rick: “I don’t know.” Good answer. Where’d they find this guy? First date, she chooses you out of 25 men to be alone with first, and when she asks you what you want out of this you say, “I don’t know.” This chick is buggin’ the hell out of me. Rick the Chick. New name.
-So there’s a bowling alley set up in this mansion. The Chick tells Meredith if he beats her, he automatically gets a rose. She agrees. For what reason, I have no idea. This date is eerily similar to Andrew and Amber the Mouse’s first date. You know, the infamous “I love the Olive Garden” date. I mean, these two don’t look like a match at all. And if they do end up together, I guess ABC’s got their first lesbian couple on this show.
-In the shocker of all shockers, Meredith beats the Chick in bowling, 128-113. Gee, didn’t see that one coming, did ya’? You suck, Rick. The Chick’s bowling style was unbelievable. He takes like twelve pitter patter steps before releasing the ball. Probably had nothing to do with bowling that solid 113. 113? I haven’t bowled in over a year, and I guarantee I’ll break 150 in my first game. Bowling’s a great date. It’s not romantic whatsoever, but you can be a total dork, and still come across well. And ladies brace yourself for this one: If your first date with a guy is at a bowling alley, it’s for no other reason than to check out your ass. Let’s be honest, there’s no way to hide it when you’re bowling. You can wear your long jackets, or tie that sweater around your waist at dinner and the movies, but when you’re up there chuckin’ that ball all by yourself, and we’re 10 feet behind you, think all you want about how we’re checkin’ out your form. Nope. Guys are looking at that ba-donk-a-donk-donk. That’s why men go bowling on dates. Time tested theory.
-In the limo ride home, Meredith notices Rick has a Minnesota accent. Rick: “Is it sexy?” Meredith: “No, but I like it.” Translation: I don’t like your accent, Rick. I can’t even get a read on Meredith anymore. Didn’t seem like there was much she liked about the guy, yet she kissed him twice in the limo. Whatever. Maybe she’s just a kissing whore like that Guiney guy. Mark my words, Rick the Chick will not win this thing. Not a chance in hell.
-As they head to commercial, they tease us with, “Whose ego will be crushed by the rejection?” Once again, a perfect ABC tease. Having us think this is the episode where someone walks out and chucks something into the air and calls Meredith a bitch. Of course not. That would be too easy. Why even go with that type of tease? Ego crushed? I didn’t notice it.
-Time for the final group date with Lanny and the boys. I say Lanny only because this date involved horses, and since Lanny sleeps with horses, he feels right at home. They have some redneck competition where the guy to chase some white horse away from the other horses into a sectioned off area the quickest gets to have a solo date. Got it? Neither did I. Is it just me, or was that a hell of chore for these guys to pull off just to not get any action in the barn? Anyway, Todd with the horrible cowboy shirt won, got to the barn, said nothing, she put hair in his cowboy hat, and they were gone. Good times. Someone better slip Meredith some alcohol. We’re two episodes in, and Trista’s blown her away thus far in slutiness. Wasn’t she already half deep down Russ’ throat in Vegas by this time?
-Lanny feels like a complete bozo being the redneck horse breeder that he is, and he couldn’t even win the competition. Todd from San Francisco beat his ass. Todd’s into “surfing, snowboarding, videography, and photography”. Translation: I smoke out a lot and watch porn. The guy is definitely mellow enough to partake in a little sticky icky in his spare time. I think he was high on their solo date.
-Although Lanny lost, he did pull Meredith aside to wow her with his redneck qualities. Meredith: He’s definitely a different guy. He’s a country boy. There’s something interesting about that to me.” Yeah like, “Doesn’t ABC know I hate horses, and where on my list of ‘Guys I Want to Marry’ did I say I wanted a horse breeder?” These guys are boring. The only interesting one is Ryan M. cuz’ he’s such a kook.
-They didn’t spend too much time on this date. In fact, with fifteen guys remaining, they didn’t spend any time with about half these guys tonight. I don’t even know half these guys names. This whole show has been about Rick the Chick, Lanny the Horse Lover, and Ryan M. And Todd the Pothead snowboarder since he won a solo date.
-Back at the mansion, the guys have one final chance to get some alone time with Meredith. “Fargo” Harold steps up to the plate first and immediately looks at three strikes right down the middle of the plate. “I’m ready to get married. I can’t wait to have kids.” On and on and on and on he went. I feel sorry for whoever is waiting back in Canada for this hoser. His little fish are ready to swim.
-“Beastmaster” Ian pulls some alone time and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what he was trying to say. Something about being nervous, needing more time, etc. Dude, you’re the Beastmaster. You’ve got Tonya Roberts back home. Hey, here’s one: Who’s a bigger bad ass? The “Beastmaster” or “Perseus” from “Clash of the Titans”? Gotta go with Perseus. He defeated the Cracken. In fact, Perseus might very well go down as the greatest warrior of our lifetime. I mean, he cuts off Medusa’s head, he kills two-headed dogs, he stabs scorpions ten times his size, he freezes the freakin’ Cracken for Christ sakes, AND he gets to bang Andromeda. What’s better than that? Perseus is the greatest human ever. Period. Well, he and Jason Alexander. No, not George Costanza. The little meathead that got Britney drunk enough to marry him. I don’t care if he was married less than 48 hours or not. If he didn’t get any that night, he’s a disgrace to male race. You know he did.
-Damon our arena football player makes his first appearance of the night and he’s pretty confident about getting a rose. Whether he does or not isn’t important. What is important is I know some dirt on Damon that he probably doesn’t want me to tell anyone. But I will. Well, not all of it. Let’s just say I know someone, who knows someone who hooked up with Damon in the past. And that hookup included no sex, a bathroom, and some lotion. No joke. You can let your imagination take over from there.
-Finally, our token brotha’ Marcus has no idea what’s gonna happen to him tonight. “I don’t know if I deserve one, or if I’m gonna get one.” Well, since he’s only one of about 10 guys they didn’t even speak to tonight, I’m clueless as to who’s getting a rose. But if I had to guess, and knowing that Meredith hasn’t shown any sign of a little Jungle Fever…..
-Commercial. “Along Came Polly” made $30 million bucks last weekend and is America’s #1 movie. This movie was funny the first time I saw it when it was called “There’s Something About Mary”. Hey, I think Ben Stiller is funny, but how many bathroom jokes can this guy do before it’s not funny anymore. No, I haven’t seen the movie. I’m just guessing that’s what it’s about. And Jennifer Aniston hasn’t made a good movie since “Office Space”. I have a feeling a “Friends” Reunion Special will come sooner rather than later. Either that, or all five of them will appear on “Joey” within the first five weeks of his show.
-Deliberation Room. Host Chris: “Can you still believe you are here?” Huh? What kind of question is that? Yeah, I think she can. It’s only been a week. You better hope she’s still there, or you’re on the phone in five minutes with Kelly Ho’ apologizing for not picking her. And for those that don’t know, in a couple episodes, Kelly Ho’ moves in with the guys to help Meredith with her decision. Great move. So all the guys that don’t think Meredith is into them will begin to hop on Kelly Ho’. Maybe this season will get interesting after all.
-Before coming downstairs, Meredith has 15 video messages from the remaining gentleman. Wow. Isn’t this a little early to start the video messages? I thought they didn’t start that until about five were left? I was hoping we wouldn’t have to sit through all fifteen. We didn’t. They might as well have not even showed this segment. Every video clip was of every guy saying the same thing, “I hope I get a rose.” And I hope there’s a hot tub scene or something exciting next episode. This is bulls***. I’ve watched 3 ½ seasons now of the “Bachelor/ette”, and I can honestly say this particular episode was the most boring one yet. NOTHING happened. Nothing. Yet here I am, 12:15am pounding away at my keyboard while life continues to pass me by. Help.
-Rose Ceremony. One thing different this season. When Meredith enters the room, she cuts through the middle of all the men. What’s the purpose of this? Just to tease the guys who aren’t getting picked? Or maybe they all get one last whiff of her Bath and Body Works “Plumeria” or “Cucumber Melon” lotion? Those are their two best scents by far. Sweet Pea? Blah. Freesia? Hold on a second. Have I just spent the last few sentences discussing Bath and Body Works smells? Have I? Don’t tell anyone. I beg you.
-Time to pass out the roses. Meredith: “I’m looking for the guy for me.” No s**t? And I thought this whole time you were picking on behalf of someone else. Silly me. Let’s just get this over with……
-Rick: “It would be my honor.” Shutup, Chick. I don’t like you.
-Todd: Ugly shirt guy. Won the solo date. Had nothing interesting to say all episode.
-Brad: He and his color contacts get to Round 3.
-Sean: Crooked face. Barely saw him the whole episode.
-Lanny: Maybe Meredith wants to see Lanny’s horse. Back home, of course.
-Ryan R.: No idea who this guy is, what he’s still doing here, or what he’s about.
-Matt: Bob Guiney look alike. Love your CD.
-Ian: Perseus hands down and twice on Sundays.
-Final Rose- Ryan M.: I think he’s still talking.
-So Robert (whoever that is), Marcus our token brotha’, Eliot with one “L” and one “T”, “Fargo” Harold, and Damon the Lotion Bandit are gonzo. Damon is upset, but he’ll get over it. “She didn’t like me. From 3rd grade until now, the hurt is still the same.” Don’t worry, Jergens. There’s a little girlie in Long Beach I’m sure would take your call if you beg nicely. Sicko.
-Next week the boys start getting a little hostile with each other, more exotic boring dates, no sign of a hot tub anywhere, and Rick is caught peeing while sitting down. Busted. Also, we get to see one of our “bootee’s” throw his little temper tantrum and storm off like a 4 year old. And oh yeah, Meredith stops the rose ceremony while it’s going on because “I’m not ready to do this”. Oooooohhhhh. Interesting. Is this a bathroom break she’s taking? Did she forget one of the guy’s names? Is she having second thoughts about moving Kelly Jo into the mansion to start sleeping with her potential suitors? Only time will tell…..
UPDATE: It was just announced that former Florida Gator quarterback and current New York Giant scrub Jesse Palmer will be the next "Bachelor" beginning in April. Way to kill it in the offseason buddy. I'm sure his teammates will really respect that. "What'd you do in the offseason Jesse? You ready to fight for the starting job?" "Uh, well, ummm...I made out with a ton of chicks and embarrassed myself on national television." Outstanding. I'm sure new coach Tom Coughlin, quite possibly the biggest a**hole coach in sports, is gonna love this guys dedication. Good luck.
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