BACHELORETTE 2 LINKS
|THE BACHELORETTE 2
I don’t know this for a fact, but there’s got to be some network executive out there that reads this column. Last week, I complained about having “Smallville”, “American Idol”, and “The Apprentice” on all at the same time. So what happens? “The Apprentice” gets moved to Thursday nights. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking it was because “American Idol” served up a nice can of ratings ass whooping last week to the “Apprentice” by basically taking away 8 million of their viewers from the previous week. No, no, no. That wasn’t it. There’s some network exec that loves realitysteve.com, can’t get enough of realitysteve.com, and is changing his network’s lineup to revolve around my television viewing habits. Thank you whoever you are. Your Realitysteve.com life size poster will be arriving in the mail shortly.
Before I get started, I must mention something that happened to me last night which had a profound effect on me as a man. Possibly life altering. I turned down an opportunity to go have drinks with a person of the opposite sex because I had to come home and watch the “Bachelorette” and write this column. As far as I know, my testicles are still in place, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re completely removed from my body when I wake up tomorrow morning. And the worst part about it? I actually didn’t lie about it. I TOLD her that’s why we couldn’t have drinks last night! She said all the right things about how it wasn’t a big deal, no need to feel embarrassed, yada, yada, yada. Prediction: I will never see this girl again. My embarrassing existence continues….
-So we start off with Host boy with a new hairdo right off the bat telling us how tonight’s breakdown of dates will go. There will be one 1-on-1 date, a 2-on-1 date, and a 7-on-1 date based upon the personality tests these guys took to get on the show. I’m really interested in knowing what these so-called “tests” actually asked these guys. Let’s be honest, so far, personality hasn’t been a strong quality in any of these guys. To make us actually believe someone had a passing score is quite a reach.
-Ian the Beastmaster gets the 1-on-1 date cuz’ his boring personality matched up the best with M-dog (don’t ask me why I just called her that. Probably too much Randy Jackson on the mind lately). Their date will consist of going to Chinatown, riding in a Rickshaw, messing around with those toy dragons, and eating with chopsticks. Fun, fun, fun. When I think of hotspots in L.A., Chinatown is always first on my list. That and South Central.
-And just for the record, the Beastmaster will now have a 2nd nickname. Might be the first guy in reality history I’ve given two nicknames to. Luke Skywalker, for that long blond, wavy hair straight out of the late 70’s. You know, the kind that hangs over your ears even if you're wearing a hat. Skywalker. Nice to see Mark Hamil’s career skyrocket after that trilogy. Has he made a movie since? Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams, James Earl Jones- all big stars. Mark Hamil? I think he rotated my tires last week during my oil change.
-In the limo ride on the way to beautiful downtown Chinatown, Skywalker informs us that his mother died when he was 2, but since children don’t start remembering things until they’re four, he doesn’t remember anything about it. Whoa. First off, this guy immediately becomes an odds on favorite to win with the whole “death-in-the-family” connection they now have. If you’re ever unsure about how a date’s going, it’s always safe to pull out the death card to show a little sensitivity. Seems to always work. It did for Luke. Or it just could’ve been a Jedi mind trick. Yeah, I’m sure that’ll be the last Jedi joke I tell.
-Secondly, I remember plenty about my early years. From birth til’ my fourth birthday, I kept a running journal. At six months, I started walking. At my first birthday, all my sister’s friends showed up since I had none and someone needed to keep me happy. At 1 ½, I had a head the size of a watermelon. At my 2nd birthday, those same exact “friends” showed up again for my party. I wonder what was going through their head, “Hey mommy, who the hell is this kid, and why am I at his party for a second year in a row?” This time it was outside and I kept covering one eye with my hand. Don’t ask. And oh yeah, I kept putting my party hat over my face. At 3, I almost fell off a ride at Coney Island. That scared the s*** out of me. And at 3 ½, I ate dirt. I think this last paragraph gives a fresher view as to why this column is written every week.
-So Luke and the lady are at some Chinese food place for dinner and Luke asks, “What’s the specialty of the house?” Meredith responds with, “Cream of Sum Yung Guy.” I’m kidding. She didn’t say that. That’s brutal. But at some point, that joke was gonna pop up. I figured, why not now? It’s old, it’s disgusting, but it’s still funny. Actually, Meredith responded with, “You’re looking at her.” Now, regardless if this was a first date or not, if a girl says that, that’s an open invitation to sex. Right? Guys, back me up on this. Women, don’t ever say that and expect us not to be looking at you the way Kobe looks at white women.
-After dinner, marriage is discussed. Meredith: “Do you see yourself getting married from this show?” Jedi Knight: “On the record, no. I would not propose. I’m just looking for a girlfriend and someone I connect with.” Meredith: “Am I your type?” Master Luke: “(long pause) Yeah. I think you are.” Didn’t sound too convincing, but apparently Meredith has the Star Wars Box Set at home because she’s really attracted to this guy. I mean, we’re talking “Princess-Leia-before-she-finds-out-Luke-is-her-brother” attracted.
-Back at the mansion, video message #2 comes in and apparently Ryan M. and Todd are the 2nd and 3rd most compatible to Meredith. Which I find quite odd since Ryan M. is basically a Chatty Kathy Doll in a male, human form, whereas Todd has the social skills of a plant. Did either of these guys cheat on their test and just put down a bunch of “C’s” for their answers? I demand a re-test.
-Ryan R. chimes in with, “I feel if it were up to Meredith and not some test, I would be on one of the first two dates with Meredith.” “Well Bob, in his spare time, Ryan R. likes to play tennis, eat at five-star restaurants, go for jogs on the beach with his dog, and pop multiple pills at a time to control that wild, flaring temper of his.” Foreshadowing.
-Sean and the Metrosexual Chick start squabbling over something the Chick said. Sean thinks that the Chick talks behind Meredith’s back and thinks the Chick isn’t serious at all about her. Sean says the Chick said: “This is just a game.” Here’s my question: Who’s Sean?
-Back to Luke and Leia’s date, they’re at the wishing well. I think we had a wishing well during Andrew Firestone’s show. You know, the six week commercial for his winery. And that great plug that Amber gave the Olive Garden. And the fact that Kirsten showed America that it is possible to incorporate the words “like” and “you know” into every sentence imaginable. Anyway, the wishing well is not a favorite of mine. In 6th grade, every time I came by a wishing well, I’d throw a dime in and wish that one particular girl would like me and we’d be married someday. We ended up going out two years later, she cheated on me with a guy that I hated, she’s married with two kids now, and I haven’t gotten my money back. F*** wishing wells. Let’s just pray Skywalker didn’t hope for the same thing with Meredith cuz’ it’s the kiss of death if he did.
-Ryan M. and Todd’s date is to the Santa Barbara Zoo. Which I found very interesting because I was thinking to myself, “Why are they taking them to UC Santa Barbara?” If you’ve never been, it’s quite an experience. Bunch of animals running around, a lot of screaming and yelling, furniture being tossed around like it’s luggage…..and the zoo is just as crazy. I didn’t attend UCSB, but I know numerous people who did, and I can honestly say that if I ever decided to go to school there, I would not be alive today. Something would’ve happened to me. Something bad. My life would’ve taken a giant turn for the worse during about Week 2 of my freshman year.
-On the train ride to the zoo, one of these three thought it’d be a good idea to throw out this question, “If you were a food, what would you be?” Huh? Is this the “Dating Game”? “Uhhhh, Bachelor #1, say my body is a map of the United States. Tell me which part you would explore first.” Cheesy Bachelor with the giant sideburns and checkered shirt: “Well, I’d have to say I’d start at the equator and work my way down towards South America.” Back in the day, that was actually considered funny. If they had the “Dating Game” now, I think sex on the set of the show would be the winning prize.
-So getting back to my point, Todd the plant tells Meredith, “I think I’d be a S’more cuz’ you’d want some more.” “I flew in from the coast today and man are my arms tired. That’s all for me ladies and gentleman, two shows nightly, try the veal and be sure to tip your waitress.” Go home, Todd.
-So as they get out of the limo, and walking around the zoo, Meredith’s holding hands with both guys. Ahhhhhhh, now it’s starting to emerge. She’s developing into Trista right before our very eyes. Although, we are down to ten guys and she hasn’t slept with any of them yet. In fact, none of these guys have gotten past first base as far as we know. Hmmmm. She’s got a lot of catching up to do.
-Ryan M. pulls Meredith away from the Plant for just a few moments so he can ABSOLUTELY NOT LET HER GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE. “Our contact level blew me away….we are definitely gelling….go with what you feel….you’re experiencing less of guard when you’re with me…..” On and on and on this went. There was more but I can’t even read my own writing at this point I was writing so fast. Just line after line after line after line he fed her. He didn’t come up for air. Ever.
-The inevitable came next. Meredith: “Ryan M. doesn’t have a filter. His energy definitely is a positive and a negative. He’s too honest at times. Sometimes I just need some peace and quiet.” There isn’t a more refreshing line I’d rather hear from a woman than that one. Me too. Why don’t we take our peace and quiet time together. I think I’m falling in love with Meredith.
-Ryan M. still babbling away: “When I’m talking to her, she just starts laughing. And I’m thinking, ‘Is she laughing at me or with me?’ Then I realize, she’s laughing at something I said. She thinks I’m funny.” Uhhhh, no. Try the former. We’re all laughing at you.
-At their 2-on-1 dinner, Ryan M. basically snitched on Rick calling him out for not being serious about Meredith, while Todd twiddled away with his thumbs. It’s at this point that ABC pulled their first deception job of the show. Meredith tells the camera: “After my first two dates, I know two of these guys are getting roses.” Well, obviously one was Mark Hamil, and based on everything we saw on this date, it wasn’t possible to think that she was into Ryan M. Although Todd was a mute, at least he wasn’t embarrassing himself. Well, we were wrong.
-Commercial. So “Secondhand Lions” is now headed to DVD. Haley Joel Osment is in that one with two old actor guys. Is it just me, or are Haley Joel Osment and Jonathon Lipnicki’s careers a mirror image of each others? Great breakout movie, “Sixth Sense” and “Jerry McGuire” respectively, and haven’t done a damn thing since. HJO made that God awful “Artificial Intelligence” where people took off their faces, and the Lipster made a couple guest appearances on “Dawson’s Creek”, and co-starred with Lil’ Bow Wow in “Like Mike”, officially giving us the oddest twosome to ever headline a movie. Twenty years from now when you look back on great movie tandems of the early 21 century, I’m guessing Lil’ Bow Wow and Jonathon Lipnicki won’t pop into your head right away. Plus, he’s grown boy now, isn’t cute, and isn’t funny. Other than that, they should start making his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Lil’ Bow Wow and Jonathon Lipnicki. Who comes up with these ideas?
-The 7-on-1 date consists of Meredith and the boys headed to a Mighty Ducks hockey game. So, let me get this straight. Firestone gets to take his chicks to the Laker game and pals around with Shaq and Derek Fisher. He also gets a tennis date with Tracy Austin. The Guiney gets some famous snowboarder on one of his dates. But these guys get stuck firing pucks at Guy Hebert and Mike Leclerec? Each guy gets five shots and the most goals gets a one-on-one with Meredith. Lanny ends up winning which might not mean that much to you, but it was hilarious to me considering he beat out Rick who once had a full hockey scholarship to the University of Wisconsin! Gee, bet that didn’t hurt too much. How’s that taste, Chick?
-We don’t see much of Lanny’s 1-on-1. They were in the penalty box holding hands. Lanny told her he was shocked he won because doesn’t know a damn thing about hockey. Neither does anyone else Lanny. You’re not alone. Meredith: “You’re cute and you have pretty eyes.” Translation: I can’t think of a single, solitary reason to keep you around other than the fact you’re hot, horse boy.
-Up in the suite during the game, Matt the Bob look-a-like steals Meredith away for some alone time. She likes him. Meredith: “I think you’re great. Come here.” She grabs his face, pulls it toward her, and they swordfight with their tongues. Wow. That was pretty forward. Good for her. Stepping up to the plate. Matt the Guiney liked it. “You can’t imagine how good that made me feel that she leaned in to kiss me.” No, we can’t Matt. Please, tell us in detail how hard that made you.
-While these two were away, the Chick has a boffo idea. He tells all the guys to think of questions about themselves, write them down, they’ll put them in a hat, and when Meredith gets back, she has to answer the questions about them. It’ll be brilliant. A way to make Meredith remember stuff about the guys. A can’t-lose game that’ll have Chick coming off like an absolute genius. Some of the questions? “Who here did you kiss first?” Meredith: “Do I have to answer that?” “What’s Lanny’s brothers name?” Meredith: “Uhhhhhh…..” Nice freakin’ game, you pud.
-Meredith: “Rick is annoying. Rick is not here for me at all.” This game/questionnaire/embarrassment that Rick concocted basically turned out to be the equivalent to Pete Rose admitting after 14 years of lying that he bet on baseball. Absolutely blew up in his face. Hey, at least he’s not stupid. Rick: “I don’t think Meredith liked my game. My chances are not good at all.” I agree, Chick. But you might even be able to take it a step further. Your chances were done the minute “Metro” came out of your mouth.
-Back at the mansion for some final alone time, Ryan R. is up first. He says he feels his connection with her is great, and that he definitely wants to develop it further. Thinking he’d get a hug, maybe even a kiss back, Ryan R. felt the wrath of Meredith, which frankly came out of leftfield. “I’m gonna be very honest. A lot of the guys here have stepped it up. Bob sent me home because I didn’t open up.” Translation: You haven’t done a damn thing to impress me and I don’t know where you came up with whatever connection you’re talking about. Ryan isn’t too pleased when the Chick comes up from behind to tap him on the shoulder telling him his time is done. He should’ve been. Probably saved him more embarrassment of being told in so many words, “You’re not getting a rose.”
-Chick: “I would never do anything to intentionally embarrass you.” Well, you did. Putting her on the spot when she’s supposed to be having a fun time at a hockey game probably wasn’t the way to win her heart. How about next time you just ask her how many sexual partners she’s had, how much she makes, what she weighs, and finish it off by telling her those pants she’s wearing make her look fat. Chicks love that kind of stuff.
-It’s Brad the color contact guy’s turn to pull Meredith away from the other sleezeballs. We haven’t seen these two together at all, yet she felt the need to drape her legs across his lap while he had his arm around her. She’s fallen for the ol’ color contact trick. Works every time. “He’s a 110 pounds soaking wet, but dammit his eyes look good.”
-Uh oh. Host Chris arrives early banging on that wine glass. Meredith is none too happy. She hasn’t made up her mind yet and needs more time to think about Chick’s idiocy, Ryan’s constant chattering, and Todd’s muteness. These two head to the deliberation room for a serious, serious discussion about what’s going to happen tonight. As they head to commercial, we see clips from the end of the show with one guy pushing another guy saying, “I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.” Anyone with half a brain could see Ryan R. was the guy doing the pushing, and the Chick was on the receiving end- something’s he’s probably quite used to. Digitizing their faces out did nothing. Way too obvious who it was.
-Commercial. Julianne Moore is doing some Revlon commercial. There are tons of actresses who were once hot that are now, well, not so hot anymore. Susan Sarandon being numero uno on that list. There wasn’t a man between the ages of 17 and 35 who didn’t want to rip her clothes off after seeing “Bull Durham”. Now you’d probably pay her to keep her clothes on. Goldie Hawn is #2. The list goes on. However, there are a few actresses who are going in the opposite direction of that list, and Julianne Moore is #1. Not that she was ever ugly, but the older she gets, the hotter that woman becomes. And the more red her hair gets, the more I think she likes to get freaky in the bedroom. Just a theory of mine. Heather Locklear is only #2 because she was a 10 to begin with, and she’s maintained that. Julianne Moore was never a 10, but she’s damn close now. Where was I and how did this come up?
-Back in the deliberation room, Meredith is just running the show now. “There are six guys I’m sure about. Some others I’m not sure. I want to have the option to give a 7th rose tonight.” Huh? Unless I missed something, is Meredith Phillips now the executive producer of the show? How “real” is it when the contestants dictate what happens next? I guess this is what made it truly, “The most dramatic rose ceremony yet.” You notice how they mentioned that early in the show? Another reason why I know the producers of that show follow along on the internet. Everybody rips them for saying that. Now last night was like an “F-You” to all of us for making fun. There finally was something dramatic about the ceremony. Congratulations. It only took them their 6th Bachelor/ette show to accomplish it.
-Video message time. Nothing exciting except for Skywalker’s. Here’s what this genius had to say: “I’d like to tell you what I wished for, but I want it to come true.” Didn’t you just ruin it? I think we all know what it is now, you tool box. Definitely as sharp as a beach ball that Jedi knight is. I’m telling you, dude. Wishing wells are the kiss of death. You’ve ruined everything. She’s going to dump you. Or cheat on you with your enemy. Or flirt with every other guy at your 14th birthday while you stand off to the side pissed at the whole world. My memories are very vague.
-Commercial. Regis Philbin is returning to our television sets with “Super Millionaire”. Oh goodie. Another guy who’s career was hot for about 18 seconds, then went splat. I know people love his morning show, but when “Millionaire” was in its prime, you might as well have started calling your television a “Regis”. He was on every channel. Regis this, Regis that, Final ansa this, Final ansa that. Regis, Regis, Regis. Now he’s just Dick Clark. Looks exactly the same now as he did 10 years ago.
-So Meredith finally comes downstairs with seven roses after that tough, gut-wrenching decision about which extra guy she wants to keep around only to dump him next week. She’s perplexed. “I see myself in every one of you.” Hey now. Easy horndog. Was that sexual? Anyway, onto the rose ceremony…..
-Luke Skywalker: May the force be with you. Always. Obi Wan has taught you well.
-Sean: Quick question. Is it physically possible for two people to kiss each other simultaneously on the cheek? Or if one person connects, is the other person destined to end up with that famous “air kiss”? Just curious.
-Chad: We know nothing about Chad other than he’s tall and has a bald spot.
-Ryan M.: What!? Easily the surprise of the night. I thought she hated him.
-Brad the color contact guy: Well, when you let him stroke your hair and you practically straddle him on the couch the night of the rose ceremony, I guess the tendency would be to keep him around.
-Matt the Guiney: When Meredith of all people makes the first move on you, consider yourself in good standing.
-7th and Final Rose. Lanny: Well, since we knew Rick was gone, and we knew Ryan R. was the guy they showed at the end of the show having a hissy fit, it was either between Lanny or Todd. Which is basically choosing between Brandon Walsh or Screech. Brandon wins every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
-The Chick isn’t happy. “I think the right man for Meredith is not in that room.” Nice game, Metrochick.
-Todd says he misread Meredith. “I must’ve missed something. I thought we had a connection.” Yeah, whatever buddy. Let’s just skip you and get to our boy Ryan R.
-After not getting picked, the whole “hands-in-the-pocket-while-everyone’s-trying-to-shake-his-hand” was classic. What a prick. “I read her non-verbals. We had a connection. This is bulls**t.” What are you, my communications professor? Non-verbal communication? Look Ryno, what were you reading her non-verbals for? Her verbals basically told you everything you needed to know. She wasn’t into you. But it didn’t stop there for Big Ry. “Beat it! I’m not into talking right now! I need a moment! I need a moment! I need a moment!” All the while, Chick is trying to console him telling him not to embarrass himself. The irony of all ironies. Chick telling someone else not to embarrass themselves. It doesn’t stop there for The Ry. “Put me on a bus. I’m over it.” Yeah. Sure seems like it. Get the hell off my screen you spaz.
HANDICAPPING THE FIELD
-As I did in a previous column, I will now handicap the field as only I know how. However, this time taking lines from one of my all-time favorites, “The Karate Kid”, I will break down the remaining field of the seven meatheads vying for Meredith’s heart.
“Well, well, well. Look what we have here fellas. Our little friend, Danielle. Well, hello Danielle. What’s the matter? Mommy not here to dress ya? (Shoves Daniel). I’m talkin’ to you punk! C’mon, c’mon. Make a move! (Dramatic pause) You know points, or no points. You’re dead meat. (Another dramatic pause) Dead meat.”
Our most feminine guy we have left is Brad because of the girly color contacts and his waif-like body. I betcha he and Ralph Macchio could’ve had a hell of a match. But only if it were like the final scene in “Karate Kid II”. If there was a ref, Daniel wins in a landslide.
“Give em’ a body bag!!!!! Yeaaaaaaa!!!!!!”
Ryan M. The fact this guy is still standing after the beating he’s taken is beyond me. I mean, he’s the only guy left that Meredith has actually said something negative about. I’m guessing he won’t go down without a fight.
“Sweep the leg. You have a problem with that?” “No, sensai.” “No mercy.”
Skywalker. He’s basically got his foot on the throat of the other players, and if he plays his cards right, can bury them as early as next week. Let’s see what Ian’s made of. Is he John Lawrence, or is he Bobby Brown? Bobby’s the Cobra Kai who apologized to Daniel begging for his forgiveness after he drop kicked him right in the thigh.
“Hey what’s your name?” “Ali. With an ‘I’. Hey, what’s your name?” “Daniel. Wiiiiiith an ‘L’.”
Sean. I didn’t know this guy’s name until about 9:17 last night. Nor did I know if he spoke English or not. And I don’t like the beige sport coat at the rose ceremony either. Has nothing to do with anything. Just thought I’d point that out.
“Hey Ali, want a ride?” “Naw, that’s ok.” “Your friend can come too if it’s o.k. with his mommy.” “Hiiii, kids.”
Lanny. Just doesn’t seem like he belongs with this pack of wolves. And considering she gave him the 7th rose last night, unless he knocks her socks off next week, literally and figuratively, he’s out of her league.
(from the song playing during the All-Valley Tournament) “You’re the best….around! And nuthin’s gonna ever keep you down! You’re the best….around! And nuthin’s gonna ever keep you down!”
If there were two favorites in this thing, I’d say Skywalker and Matt the Guiney. Matt has that “damn-Bob-for-dumping-Meredith-right-into-my-lap” look. I think he realizes that when Meredith grabbed his face and yanked it toward her that he might be around a while.
“Daniel-san. This not tournament. This for real.”
Ok, ok. So I cheated. That was from “Karate Kid II”. But considering this is for real, let’s be honest about this: Chad has no chance. Unless ABC is fooling us with their camera trickery, Chad’s 47 seconds of airtime since the show started can’t possibly bode too well for him.
-Next week, Meredith’s two best friends move into the guy’s house. Some guy (probably an ex-flame she’s still sucking face with), and Kelly Jo. I fully expect a lot of Kelly Jo flirting to be going on during these next few days. How can she not? That’s who she is. She’s Kelly Ho and she flirts. I find it hard to believe she’ll be able to give Meredith unbiased opinions on who she should pick. We’ll see….
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