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2.11.04
I think last night’s “Bachelorette” is a classic example of how family could really get in the way of you getting some. We’ll discuss more on this topic once we jump into Lanny’s hometown date, but all I can say right off the bat is this: If my Mom ever grilled any girl that I brought home for the first time like Mrs. Lanny did, we wouldn’t be on speaking terms for quite a while. Ho-Lee S***. I can’t even begin to think what was going through Lanny’s mind when Mamma was flappin’ her gums to Meredith. I would’ve done something that might not have suitable for television. I’m still in awe of that performance. Let’s begin….
-Meredith says she’ll be going to Houston to visit the GFB, Buffalo to visit Chad, New York City/Planet Tatooiene (is that how you spell it?) to visit Master Luke, and Dallas to visit the Lanny. This is going to be big for her. “I’m gonna open up more than I ever have.” Well, four episodes with Bob, and four episodes into this, it’s about freakin’ time. And by “opening up”, I thought maybe she was hinting towards wearing something revealing. Possibly? Maybe? Kinda? Ahhhh, no. Didn’t think so.
-She arrives at the GFB’s place and I thought it was pretty cool. I thought to myself, “Wow, how nice it was of Matt to let ‘National Lampoon’s Vacation’ use his place as the house where Cousin Eddie lived.” I mean, I swear it was the same exact place. I was looking for the worm farm, the teeter-totter, and Aunt Edna’s dog to come running out. Cousin Eddie goes down in movie history as one of the five funniest supporting actors in a film. “She was born without a tongue Clark.”
-The GFB takes Meredith over to a picnic he has set up over by the Oak Grove. I live in Los Angeles. What the hell’s an Oak Grove? Or is it oak grove? Or is it oakgrove? Well, whatever the hell you want to call it, I call it “trees and grass with a swing.” Nothing special about it other than Matt had probably used it numerous times to lure chicks over to so he could get some. That swing probably does it all the time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about women in my life, it’s this: Chicks dig swing sets. You go, Matty.
-So the GFB jumps on the swing and swings from tree to tree. How exciting. The money I would’ve paid to see that rope snap, or for him to get off to some horrible start head straight for her and having to watch Meredith fend for her life from a runaway Matt-on-a-swing. Why couldn’t that have happened? The GFB has got to find a better way to her heart than a swing, doesn’t he?
-You know what’s funny? I’ve used the term GFB three times so far, and already I had a hard time remembering why I even call him that. It’s Guiney/Ferrell/Something. What’s the “B”? Oh yeah. Beast, from “Beauty and the Beast.” You gotta understand something, and I’m being honest here, the minute I’m done with this column, I don’t really remember anything I ever write. Since all I’m doing is babbling, there really isn’t much thought that goes into this. Hell, you obviously can tell I never proofread this considering all the grammar mistakes there are. Some of you who’ve been emailing me, which I appreciate very much, telling me how much you enjoy the columns and what your favorite lines are, I always think, “I wrote that?” Serious. Half this s*** I don’t even realize I’m saying it until it’s brought up to me again. Feel free to continue telling me what you like about the column, because I’d sure as hell like to know what I’m writing.
-Meredith gets serious. “I kept thinking during my time with Matt that this man is so right for me.” What’s right about him? Please elaborate. Is it his Bob Guiney perm? Is it his striking resemblance to an animal who used to have his own TV show on CBS? Is it the fact his house is famous for being used in the original “Vacation”? There’s gotta be something more here, Meredith. Please, tell us. We’re dying to know.
-You know what I noticed about Meredith? She doesn’t like to move her mouth when she talks. If you were having a face-to-face conversation with her, you’d have a hell of a time trying to throw a quarter into her pie hole while she was talking. Kinda like that game in “Big” where Josh has to land the quarter in the genie’s mouth before it closes. That’s how tough it would be with Meredith. Probably tougher. Why did it take me five episodes to notice this?
-So during dinner with the fams (that’s a horrible abbreviation for “family”. I won’t do it again), Matt’s mom gives a poem as her toast. Well read, it rhymed, Meredith liked it, and I threw up. Something about how they were glowing, and they’ve barely known each other, and how this show is now 1-for-5 in successful relationships, blah blah blah. Matt’s mom also has an astute observation about her boy. “I’ve never seen him like this.” Translation: I think he might actually like you. He usually brings home chicks we never see again. You could be more than a one-night stand to him.
-After dinner, they go out to another big swing, and talk about whatever future they may have together. I wasn’t really paying attention to what they were saying. They kissed a few times as well. I was just checking out Meredith’s “UGH” boots. Since when did these things make a comeback? I didn’t like em’ when they first came out, and I sure as hell don’t like em’ now. There’s a reason they call them “UGH” boots. Short for “UGH-LY”.
-Commercial. Diane Sawyer has an interview with Mel Gibson coming up about his controversial new religious movie. I forget the name of it. I just can’t believe she asks the following question: “Do you believe God wrote this film?” What??!!!! Yeah, Diane, as a matter of fact I do. You see, he was working on it for ages, brought it to Hollywood numerous times, but kept getting turned down. It really bothered the Messiah. He thought he had a great script, so after years and years of editing…….I mean, c’mon!!! What in the world are you asking, Diane? Quit trying to think that’s a legitimate question. I guess it’s better than watching Barbara try to make him cry.
-The next date is with Chad, and Meredith definitely has some questions heading into this date. Questions about their compatibility. Questions about their future. And probably some questions about his sexual appetite. All those questions are immediately thrown to the side when we find out Chad lives at home with mommy. 31. Living at home with mommy. Ok, ok. I understand his Dad recently passed and he moved in to keep her company, but they didn’t say how long he’s been there, or when he plans on leaving. If ever. That’s gotta make all the chicks hot. Great night out, things are going well, your chemistry is better than ever before, then you spring the ol’ “Let’s go back to my place and hang out with mom” line on her. Works all the time. How sad. In fact, Chad is now just Sad.
-The first family member we meet is Sad’s sister, Darcy. She’s a hoot. “We are all huge ‘Bachelor’ fans. And when we knew our brother was going to be on the show, we were hoping it would be Meredith.” Yeah right. If Kelly Jo were picked, you would’ve said the same thing. Big “Bachelor” fans, huh? Are you big realitysteve.com fans too? Let’s hope so. I think they’re the first family who got caught up in the fact they were on a TV show.
-After some banter back and forth between Meredith and the family, I don’t know if this happened to all the televisions that were watching the show, but a big, red flag started waving across my screen during the next scene. Basically until the end of Sad’s date. I don’t know. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that his mom asked Meredith: “So what do you see in our UNEMPLOYED son?” Damn, Mom. Meredith was baffled. “Uhhhh…..errrrr….ummmmm….he’s the kindest person, he has the biggest heart, he’s sincere, he’s funny, he’s smart…..” All right, all right, all right. Stop already. We get it. You’re puking up compliments cuz’ his mom just broke the news to you he doesn’t have a job. Especially after you were under the impression that he did. Uh oh.
-Have you noticed it says that Chad and Matt are both in the same profession? They’re both in “Pharmaceutical Sales”. Well, apparently not. You might want to change the line under Chad’s name which states “Pharmaceutical Sales” to “Unemployed”. Hey, if we’re all being honest here. And his bio states he was once signed to a professional baseball contract. Baseball player, pharmacy sales, unemployed. What’s next? Shoe Salesman?
-Sad is just ecstatic about his family time with Meredith. “The time at my sisters house couldn’t have gone any better.” Couldn’t agree more, bud. Any more time with your mother, and Meredith might have just proposed to you right there. I think after flying out to see you in Buffalo, and really getting to form a close bond with your mother and sisters, there’s no doubt in my mind, or probably anyone else’s mind who’s watching this show for that matter, that Meredith would like nothing better than to marry an unemployed man who lives with his mother 3,000 miles away from where she lives. True love.
-Meredith: “Chad’s everything I was hoping for, wishing for, and waiting for. He’s definitely someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.” How can I possibly comment on something as asinine as that? Where is this chick’s head at right now? I’m completely baffled.
-Commercial. Hilary Duff is in some movie. And no, I’m not going to comment on her physical features since she’s not even out of high school yet. My question is whether or not she’s still brawling with Lindsay Lohan over Nick Carter. Or is it Aaron Carter? Whichever one isn’t banging Paris Hilton. I mean, when you talk about some of the all-time biggest rivalries in sports and entertainment, what comes to mind? Magic vs. Bird, The Rock vs. Stone Cold, Yankees vs. Red Sox, Cowboys vs. Redskins, etc…We gotta throw Duff vs. Lohan in there now. This is an all-out war. How two teenie boppers can hate each other as much as these two do over something as meaningless as one of the Carter brothers is beyond me. I’ll take Duff in this one.
-Time for Master Luke to let Meredith meet Darth Vader, Obi Wan, C-3PO, and all the rest of the boys. However, Jedi Skywalker has different plans. He doesn’t want her to meet his parents because, well, “they’re cold.” Uhhhhh. Ok. Translation: I didn’t tell my parents I was doing this show. They’ll have no idea what the hell is going on. He says his family is “out there”, and that “we’re close, but we don’t really talk about things like this.” Ok, you’re officially a freak Luke. I get that not everybody has the family support like a Sad or a Lanny as we’ll see soon, but damn, you don’t have to hate your parents.
-Plus, Luke feels his brother Erik understands him more and he’s much closer to him. And the young Jedi is close to his roots. He grew up in Brazil. “I’m not an American guy who happens to speak Portugese, or Spanish. That’s who I am.” Meredith: “And that’s what I find most attractive about you.” She does? We haven’t heard him speak his other language once on television. Maybe that’s what he’s using to get her in the sack. These are the deleted scenes we need to see when the DVD comes out. I still can’t believe they don’t have every season on DVD ready to go. That’s bulls***.
-Brother Erik has immediately gone into Mike Wallace mode. “So what attracts you to Ian?” “Are you looking to come out of this with a ring or not?” Damn. This guy doesn’t pull any punches. Meredith does her best Ginger Rogers around both questions. “Well, I wanna get married someday. I don’t know if it’ll be off this show. If it does, great. If not, it doesn’t.” Erik will have none of that garbage. “I think Meredith wants to get married right away, and I don’t see how that can work.” Neither can we, Erik. Apparently the only man who can see this is our beloved Ryan Sutter. What’s Trista doing nowadays? How is she surviving without a camera in her face all day long?
-Luke thinks he’s ready for a serious relationship, so now he gets to make out in the kitchen after Erik leaves. Or did he? Just when he was about to try and slide into second base, back in pops Erik wanting to pull Ian away for a second to tell him how much he hates this show and wishes horrible things upon these two. So after a nice uplifting pep talk about how a 6 week relationship can’t possibly ever work, Erik’s done his job and convinced his brother that Meredith is the devil. And he even leaves him with a hug saying, “It’s a big ocean. Lots of fish.” Outstanding. Gotta love the support from bro’.
-Meredith: “Ian’s brother made me feel a little uncomfortable.” Translation: That’s guy’s a creepy little bastard. Definitely creepy. Those sunked in cheeks with the very defined cheekbones, in addition to being 100 pounds soaking wet would creep me out too. They definitely look-a-like. I just didn’t know Luke had a brother. Sister we all knew was Leia. But a brother? I guess this comes out in the next installment of movies.
-Well, if Ian wasn’t convinced before, his little talk with brother Doe Applewhite sure has his mind made up, and he’s no doubt completely brainwashed. “If Meredith needs a ring by the end of this journey, I’m not the right man for her.” Yep. Put the purple shroud over his face, fit him for some black Nike’s, give him some apple sauce, and cut off his testicles, he’s part of Heaven’s Gate now. Now there was a great idea. Let’s follow this little old dude, he seems to know what he’s doing. Think those people regret thinking there was really a mothership? I kind of liken it to when Kelly Taylor got involved with that cult and gave all her money to professor Finley. He was freaky. In the end, it only brought her closer to Brandon. Although Dylan did offer to travel around the world with her. And Brandon proposed. “I choose me”. Great cop out, Kel.
-Commercial. I just saw Victoria Secret has push up bra’s without padding. I point this out for no other reason than I found that quite interesting. So what pushes it up? No padding. No five pound wire that leaves a mark. No water. I don’t get it. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t have breasts. Let’s move on.
-Lanny’s hometown is Aubrey, Texas. Population: 1,500. Reaction? Not surpirsed one damn bit. Lanny manages a breeding facility as part of his family’s breeding operation. Translation: He makes sure the horses have sex with each other. Gotta be a hell of a job, I tell ya’. That could be a great “Saturday Night Live” commercial. “There’s nothing more that I like better than to wake up at the crack of dawn, pour myself a nice bowl of cereal, then head on out to the barn for some good ol’ mare sex.”
-Lanny explains the process of how the horse gets laid. This was all very confusing. All I remember is once the horse gets worked up, they bring it over to a mounted post that resembles a female horse but has a built in AV. That would be Artificial Vagina for those scoring at home. I’m not making this up. The horse gets off on that and God knows what happens thereafter. I mean, that’s his job? To watch this? If what his Mom said later on didn’t kill it for him, for Christ sakes, how did this alone not take care of it? Seems more like a hobby than a job.
-Back inside, Mrs. Lanny is an absolute beauty. Giant twang, totally overprotective of her boys, and is thumping her Bible louder than Deion Sanders after a touchdown. She asks Meredith some question about how she could meet Meredith’s needs, and for the life of me, I still don’t know what the hell she said. It took two minutes to spit out the question and for that, I don’t even think Meredith gave her an answer. Good.
-Mrs. Lanny: “So Meredith, what is your church affiliation? Because you know, I just want to know what kind of household my grandchildren will be growing up in.” Nice moms. Way to ruin everything. Not that Lanny had much of a chance anyway since beastiality is part of his profession, but Momma Thumper didn’t make things any better.
-Lanny: “Religion is very important to me.” Translation: I’m a virgin and saving myself for marriage. Meredith: “Lanny’s mom is very intense. It would definitely be a challenge for me to fit in.” Ya’ think? You’re a model who lives in L.A., he lives in the sticks and watches horses consumate their relationships on a daily basis. The fact she even briefly mentioned she wasn’t too put off by his lifestyle was the biggest lie ever. Of course you were.
-Commercial. “Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights” is coming to a theatre near you. Is it too early to lump this in with “Dumb & Dumberer”, “Lion King 2”, and “Revenge of the Nerds 2” as sequels to classics that should never have been made? And fifteen years later with none of the same characters to boot. Explain that. “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” And don’t think for a second I would even consider including “Grease 2” on that list. No way. Johnny Nogarelli, Michael Carrington, and Stephanie Zinone don’t take a second billing to anyone. Let their legacy live on. “I need a C-O-O-L. An R-I-D-E-R…..”
-Back at the mansion, time to deliberate. Our first appearance of host boy has him not banging away on that wine glass. Thank god. Meredith shows up looking like a poodle with a white top and giant poofy neck. She definitely has an interest in what she’s wearing around her neck. Is that a model thing? Has to be. Always gotta have something around that thing. And its always gotta be about 10 sizes too big as well.
-Host boy: “I sense a sparkle in your eye. What’s different now?” My guess would’ve been she hasn’t seen your ass in a week, but I could be wrong. Meredith: “I think it’s the hometown dates. Makes you realize how serious the dates get.” Yes it does. And you would know this because it was right at this moment in “Bachelor 4” where you completely bombed out and blew it with Bob. Notice Sad didn’t take Meredith to his father’s grave for their date? His sister probably told him not to since she’s such a big fan of the show. Thanks, sis. Gee, you think she said that to guarantee some air time?
-Video message time…..
Luke: Said something in Portugese to start with. Didn’t have my Portguese/English translation book handy. Sorry. So I’ll just go off the cuff with this guess on what he said: “Since you can’t understand a word I’m saying, I just wanted to say you’re f***** hot, and I can’t wait to get you in a hot tub to make sweet, passionate love to you until the wee hours of the morning.” Just a guess.
The GFB: In his video he asked for a rose at the next rose ceremony. That’s all I heard. I was eating crackers.
Lanny: He was glad he got to show her what he loved and what he did for a living. And so were we, Lanny. Thanks for enlightening us on the mating habits of equines. Great guy. Just a complete neck.
Sad: When he’s with her, he gets this feeling that he’s never had before, and that really gets him excited. Yeah, the touch of an actual female when Mom’s not around. You should try it more often. It’s not a bad thing.
-Now, does Meredith really need to look at the “Pick me!” pictures at this point? Aren’t we pretty far along in this process to where she has a good understanding of who’s left? Call me crazy, but putting four names with four faces doesn’t seem that hard. And let’s be honest. By this point, she already knows who’s gonzo.
-So before she gives out her roses, she gives her lame speech about her heart beating fast or something. It was at this point I was handicapping the field to my roommate who had just walked in five minutes previous. “That one’s Lanny. His mother grilled her about religion, he puts together menage a tois’ with horses, and the two of them have nothing in common.” “That’s Chad. He lives with his mom and doesn’t have a job. Things are looking bright for him.” “That’s Ian. He hates his parents because they’re cold, and he’s told the camera he wouldn’t give Meredith a ring and propose.” “Matthew’s the only guy who’s got nothing wrong with him at this point although there’s still two episodes left to show us he’s just as a tard’ as the other two.”
-Rose Ceremony time…..
Son of Annakin: Shocked she called his name first. Matthew had been #1 I think 2 weeks in a row. Is he crying? No. Dammit.
GFB: Hey, when it was down to ten guys, I told you the two favorites were Ian and Matt. This is getting too easy.
Sad: By process of elimination. Chad or Lanny. Lanny or Chad. Do you want herpes or syphilis?
-She takes Lanny outside and says, “I adore you. I adore you. We just didn’t get to know each other as well as I would’ve liked.” Well damn woman. You spent a whole day with him and his family, wouldn’t that be your fault at that point? You spent the same amount of time with him than you did with the others, and if anything, Lanny showed you probably got to know a little TOO much about Lanny than you wanted to. I didn’t understand that explanation at all. Then again, I don’t really understand her.
-Next week, we get our overnight dates that are the least surprising things which happen on the show. Let’s see if ABC changes around that “surprise” letter the couple receives out on their exotic dates. And wait….what is this I see? Meredith walking on the beach in a bikini top? Is that…it can’t….does she…have we….where are….finally we get some damn skin on this show. I think. Until next week…..
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