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2.18.04
Ok, I’ve pretty much had it up to here with this nonsense. I had previously warned everyone during last season’s “Bachelor” that I wouldn’t tolerate it, but some people refuse to listen. I’m so pissed off by this that I literally contemplated not writing this weeks column. This is bulls***. I’ve said it once, but apparently, I’ll have to say it again: Can someone please stop emailing me the updated Paris Hilton sex video? Is that too much to ask for? I mean, what do I really need with this garbage? And why is it in my email? Why? Why? Why? I can’t take this anymore. Right when I opened my email and saw one with the subject, “New Paris Hilton Sex Tape”, the first thought that crossed my mind was “delete”. What if it was one of those viruses going around? Do I really take a chance on crashing my computer over this skank? Well, yes. The curiosity was just killing me. What if it really is a new video? Will the picture quality be better? Is it actually done in the light this time? Do you think Paris is completely coked out of her mind again? Is she more giving in this video than in the previous installment? Well, we got 2 minutes of mouth love. Way to go, Paris. Your parents I’m sure are proud.
Speaking of mouth love, I have to make note of this. Our friend David from “Real World: New Orleans” got in a little trouble recently. In case you haven’t heard, he was busted in the Chicago area for none other than soliciting a prostitute. I wanted to relay to you the exact words that were on the misdemeanor information filed in the Circuit Court of Cook County, Illinois. Here it is…
…..Mr. Broom knowingly engaged in an act of sexual penetration with liza gorges, a prostitute not his spouse, in that the defendant placed his penis in the mouth of liza gorges in exchange for $10.00….
I love the wording on this police report. Let’s break this down a little further…
“Knowingly engaged”= “cheated on his girlfriend by”
“An act of sexual penetration”= could mean many things at this point
“Liza Gorges, a prostitute not his wife”= “Liza Gorges, a hooker”
“In that the defendant placed his penis in the mouth of Liza Gorges in exchange for $10.00”= “got blown for 10 bucks”
Here’s my police report. “David Broom, the bad singer from ‘Real World: New Orleans’, cheated on his girlfriend when he got blown by a Chicago hooker for 10 bucks.” That’s right. She paid HIM to perform oral on him. He did nothing in return other than stick out his hand and receive a $10 bill. How David got away with receiving without giving is beyond me. And got paid for it. You da’ man, Dave.
-So tonight’s three dates will be the exotic romantic dates we all know and love. To test myself a little bit, before the show started, and without watching the previews, I wrote down the three cities I thought they’d be sent to. I wanted to go 3-for-3 in picking these exotic locales. I took everything into consideration like location, romance, and scenic view. I also tried to remember the lovely places that couples had been sent before on previous shows too, because I have a good sense of what ABC likes and doesn’t like. After taking all that into consideration, I wrote down these three cities: Bakersfield, California, Stillwater, Oklahoma, and Omaha, Nebraska. Damn. 0-for-3.
-All three dates were in Puerto Rico, just in three different cities: Old San Juan, Dorado Beach, and someplace else. Translation: “We ain’t spending a dime more than we have to fellas. Let’s just give em’ three cities all within driving distance of each other so we don’t spend another arm and a leg dragging these people to places like Craphole, Wyoming, and Sedona, Arizona.” Cheap bastards.
-Young Skywalker meets her in Old San Juan and they have a picnic in the middle of nowhere. Meredith immediately starts in with, “I think I know where Ian’s at right now, I just want to hear it.” Which means speak now or forever hold your peace young Jedi. Mysterious Ian hasn’t shown us much at all for the first five episodes. All he’s shown us is he has a $5 haircut, he dislikes his parents to the point he wouldn’t introduce a possible future fiance to them, he won’t propose to her, and that he’s still bothered by the death of Yoda. And the fact that he was this close to incest with Leia. Hey, if Yoda and Obi-Wan didn’t get to him in time, Luke would’ve hooked up with sis’. That has to break some intergalactic laws, right?
-Meredith: “I have trouble communicating sometimes just like you.” These two have a very funny way of communicating. He’s not very open, and she isn’t either. So when all else fails, he just massages her tonsils with his tongue. After finally letting her breathe, he says, “See, that’s my form of communication.” Great job, Master Luke. Obi-Wan has taught you well.
-Commercial. The “Men Tell All” episode is tomorrow night. What!!!???? Great. Back-to-back nights of this s***. Usually they use a whole Wednesday night to show that episode, but since they want this season over and done with as soon as possible so we can forget this season ever happened, they’re gonna show it tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll have a few things to say about seeing Lanny on the hot seat, Metrosexual Chick trying to explain why one of his hairs is out of place, and Ryan M. yapping away at no one imparticular. I can’t wait. Unbelievable. Two nights in a row I’ll have to write this stuff. Tell ABC not to spring this on me at 9:10pm the night before anymore.
-Their night date has them going out to dinner where Meredith is “hopeful that we can find some intimacy.” Gee, you mean Mr. Intimacy himself hasn’t given you what you’ve needed. Dammit. Where oh where will the two of you ever get to have some alone time, in a room by yourself, possibly even a bed by yourself, with no cameras around? I feel for these two. I really do. Maybe ABC will lob them a bone and give em’ the option of forgoing their individuals rooms and staying overnight in a suite. This show has so many twists and turns, you can just feel something like that will happen. So exciting.
-Over dinner, I noticed Meredith has a god awful, prickly, porcupine-sized ring on her finger. What is that? What 25 cent vending machine gave that thing out? Hideous. Looks like something you’d fine at the bottom of the ocean that bites.
-Here’s where the Lukester lays it on thick. “It’s not my way to do things publicly….It’s gonna be private no matter what…..If I make it to the end, I won’t propose.” Well damn. Didn’t beat around the bush there, did ya’? Meredith, of course putting on the greatest acting job of all time, seems to be completely unfazed by this. Let me tell you all something right now: I know they’ve made Matt out to be the obvious choice so far, and I know these shows have a way of making you think it’s one person so when they pick the other person, you’re surprised in the end. I understand all this. But listen to me. The way this show is structured, the way they put so much emphasis on the guys purchasing a ring, and telling us, “Will he propose? And will Meredith say ‘yes’?”, do you honestly think she’d choose a guy who openly says she’s not gonna get a ring? Hey, I could be dead wrong. But I’m not. Next week’s finale seems pretty anti-climactic if you ask me.
-Oh boy. Here we go. Meredith breaks out “the letter”. “Hello, Meredith and Ian. Hope you are enjoying your date. If you two should decide to forgo…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” Enough. After he’s done reading it, Meredith asks, “You wanna do it?” I think Ian took a giant gulp. I know I did. She didn’t pull any punches. Wants to get right down to it. Good for you, Meredith. Six episodes in and we get our first romp.
-Right when these two got in the door to the suite, the tongue wars officially began. I think they were overtaken by the mood of the room. Candles light everywhere, roses all over the bed, a nice cozy fireplace, and Darth Vader waiting with lightsaber in hand in the living room.
-After destroying his father, Luke makes a toast. “To you. And me. And not holding anything back.” Translation: We’ll make our own Paris Hilton video tonight. They then laid on the bed and had sex with their clothes on. This is all very steamy, right now. I need a glass of water to cool down.
-Commercial. Ladies and gentleman, we have an Andrew McCarthy sighting. Please, ladies, calm down. Yes, he’s back. Andrew McCarthy starring in Stephen King’s “Kingdom Hospital” in two weeks. Sorry. I don’t see it. Too serious for me. Will Ducky be in this? Will James Spader come over from the “Practice” for a couple guest shots? This has to happen. Blaine and Steph need to be reunited fifteen years later. How’d their friendship end up? Does Steph still despise Blaine after he told him, “She thinks you’re s***. And deep down you know she’s right.” Ouch. Had to hurt. Did Blaine and Andie get married? Was Steph’s ego crushed to the point of ever contemplating suicide? I don’t care if this damn show is about freaky stuff goin’ on at the hospital. I need some resolution here, and I need it now.
-Time for Meredith’s date with Sad. Her biggest issue with the Sad is where he’s at in his life. Yeah, us too. We want to know a little more about exactly what Sad’s plans are for the future. Is he gonna continue to be the unemployed baseball player who’s in pharmaceutical sales? Or is he just content on living in mom’s basement and looking at internet porn all day? You tell me, cuz’ I’m itchin’ to find out.
-Sad and her get on another boat, albeit not a gondola ride this time. Thank God. Wouldn’t want Pepe LePeau guiding us around the canals again forcing them to kiss by coming up with bogus rituals. However, the bright orange polo shirt Sad has on is blinding me. Can we turn down the shirt a tad, please? Damn that thing’s ugly. Geez. Who dressed him? Frankie?
-Sad is very happy with the more “touchy feely” crap going on, and is beginning to feel closer and closer to her. So they peck away at each others mouths like birds would at breadcrumbs, when Sad tries to get slick and keep his eyes open during his kiss. What this accomplished, I have no idea. He says he just wanted to see if her eyes were open. Well, they weren’t buddy. You happy now? There’s absolutely nothing good that can come out of opening your eyes during kissing. Nothing. Because if the other person catches you, you’re screwed. Especially if you’re the guy, and you get caught. Now you’ve got the woman thinking, “Why are his eyes open? Does he not like kissing me? Is he not taking this seriously? Maybe he doesn’t like me? Or maybe this is his way of….? Or maybe he’s trying to tell me….?” Like I said. Nothing good can come out of this so just keep em’ shut, pal.
-Over dinner, Chad toasts what looks like apple martini’s. “To a new beginning, a fantastic middle, and a great ending.” Oh god. If only he knew what happens 35 minutes from now. And what a chick drink. I hope she talked him into that. Apple martini’s? I was half expecting him to move his umbrella to the side and hold his pinky out when he sipped. Look up “phu phu girly girl drink” in the dictionary and there’s a picture of an apple martini.
-Talking one inch away from each other’s faces, Sad had a hard time going in for the kill. He felt ready to make a move and get his first real kiss, but then he realized you can’t if you don’t have any balls. So he just decided to start TALKING about when they were going to have their first real kiss. Boy, I tell ya’. Nothing gets a woman hotter than talking their ears off when they want you to lay a big wet one on them. Sad’s one cool cat.
-Sad’s nuts completely shrivel up inside of him, and he gets nothing. Now it’s on to talking about the stuff you don’t want to bring up: Your unemployment. Things are getting better and better for him as the date goes on. This is what I got out of Sad’s explanation for currently collecting food stamps. “Uhhhh….well, my dad died and I moved in with my mom to save money….my company said, ‘Do you want to relocate?’…I said, ‘Yes’…three months later, work closed down….” Translation: Don’t hate me because I never told you this B.S. story before. I wanted to spring it on you just at the right time. You know, the time right before you want me to take you in the missionary position.
-At this point, he’s so far gone, he can’t come back. Until this. What I like to call, “The Quote of the Night”……“I just didn’t want you to think I’m a loser or something. You know, living with my mother, I’m 31, and I’m unemployed.” I don’t even know what to say to something like that. Didn’t he pretty much say it all?
-Despite all this, Meredith seemed content with this whole explanation as to where he is in his life. So what IS his job? Did we ever find this out? Is he not working and all we have to go off of is that horrible explanation? How does Meredith not jump overboard after hearing all this? Oh yeah. Forgot. She still has to present the fantasy suite idea to him. Rico Suave here was fired up to get to the suite. You could see the wheels start spinning in his head immediately. “Hey, if I get her up to the suite, and we get to share one bed, do you realize how much deep conversation I can have with her? Score!!!!”
-So they head to the suite, or as I like to call it, the “blue room”. What was with that lighting? Who thought blue florescent lighting was the way to go with these two? Maybe it was just to take anything away from the complete embarrassment Sad was bestowing upon himself. For the love of God already. Maul her.
-So as they’re sitting there on the couch, with arms and legs intertwined, Meredith has flashlights in each hand, she’s got on a bright orange life preserver jacket, and she’s wavin’ Sad in. “Are you a very sexual person?” Translation: Are you f***in gay!!!!? To this, Sad was completely baffled. “Ummmm…..errrr…..uhhhhh….well, that’s a tough question.” No it’s not!!!!!!! She’s asking you do you like to get laid every once in a while? Do you like a BJ here and then? Have you ever gotten to 2nd base before the 20th date? Good God almighty, Sad. I really want to like you, but you’re makin’ it damn hard on me here.
-So finally he gets his first romantic kiss in six episodes. Whoopee-freakin’-do. Way too much of a struggle and I think she’s hoping Lanny was still around at this point. For a thumper like him, he sure liked never letting her tongue go dry.
-Commercial. I just thought I’d pass this along to everyone out there. I didn’t see this during the commercial. I just read it online yesterday. I figured I’d share it with my deepest, closest friends. Enjoy…..
…TUBE TALK: ABC picking up a Jennifer Love Hewitt pilot starring the former Party of Five star as an up-and-coming sports producer who unwillingly becomes an on-camera reporter, per the Hollywood Reporter….
I’m not one to get emotional too often, but I’ll share this with you. I teared like up like Mike Tyson after getting maced. The original J-Lo is back at it. Move over, “American Idol”. Outta my way, “C.S.I.”. “Survivor”? Psshhaw. Jennifer is back on network television. Why do I have a feeling we’ll seeing cameos from Scott Wolf, Matthew Fox, Lacey Chabert, and Neve Campbell every other episode. Well, maybe not Neve. She’s had a decent career outside of “P.O.5.” She did do the “Scream” Trilogy. She also had the threesome with Denise Richards and Matt Dillon in “Wild Things.” Definitely an all-time great when it comes to movie sex scenes. Of course while Denise let us watch champagne get poured down her cleavage, we got the “body-double-naked-from-the-back” shot of Neve. Boooooooooo. As for the others, Lacey got to play Jennifer Love Hewitt in “Not Another Teen Movie” (I’m sure she was thrilled to do that), Matthew Fox had a show on Fox that rivaled “The Magic Hour” in terms of longevity, and Scott Wolf decided to never do another film or TV show, but rather get engaged to Kelly from “Real World: New Orleans”. Oh wait, he did do something on the “ABC Family” recently. Anyway, back to Jennifer. We’re all pulling for ya, sweetie. Well, at least I am.
-Time for the GFB’s date at Dorado Beach. Holy sh**!!!!! “It could be….it might be…it is!!!!!” Meredith is showing us some skin!!!! She arrives on the beach in a tankini and a sarong. I knew that with no help from anyone else. I’m good.
-So instead of a day which was supposed entail all these exciting outdoor activities for these two lovebirds, tankini girl decides she would just rather be a beach bum, lay around, relax all day, and whisper to Matt for hours on end so we can’t hear and are forced to read subtitles like this is some sort of foreign film we’re watching. That sentence was so gramatically incorrect, it’s unbelievable. Their should’ve been about four periods somewhere in that sentence. I just don’t know where. It’s 1:00am. I’m tired, I’m cranky, and I still have a page of notes left. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah. No life. Forgot.
-Meredith and the GFB were sitting their beachchairs saying really nothing to each other when GFB decided to “high five” her? Huh? Who does he think he is? Puddy? Weird.
-GFB: “I’ve never seen eyes like yours before.” What???!!!! You’ve never seen someone with brown eyes? Are you feelin’ o.k., dude? You seem to have lost whatever touch you thought you may have had. What’s goin’ on here? “They go from hazel to green to grey to really nice.” Boy, this guy is killing himself. Shutup, already. You can’t really go wrong with complimenting the eyes, but unless I’m color blind, Meredith doesn’t have four different shades to her eyes. Call me crazy.
-Meredith is just turning into goo with all the glorious and wonderful crap that Matt keeps spewing out of his mouth. “Sometimes I ask myself, ‘Where did he come from?’” Trust me. I’m asking myself the same question. And how did he find time to get away from promoting his album, “Elf”, and “Beauty and the Beast” in syndication?
-She whips out the letter, reads the nonsense about the fantasy suite to him, and he puts it on her. “I’m leaving that decision up to you.” Translation: I’m afraid to be with a woman alone in a bed. Please say you’ll pass because I don’t want to have to tell you no. Meredith: “Of course we can.” GFB: “Dammit!!!!”
-Hey, they’re staying at the Hyatt Dorado Beach. I’ve stayed there. I remember that walkway too. No joke. It was about 12 years ago. How cool was I back then? I’ll tell you. Quicksilver striped shirt, tight white Levi jeans rolled at the bottom, Nike high tops, and a pair of $3 sunglasses. Quite the lady killer back in the day, I know.
-Back in the room, these two lay on each other on the couch, whispering sweet nothings that only can be brought to us by English subtitles. Five minutes of this garbage and the GFB just threw everything at her but the kitchen sink. “I didn’t know this could happen….but it’s happening now….I don’t know what the future holds….I’m willing to find out though….” On and on and on this went until I stuck my right index finger halfway down my esophagus.
-Meredith is in awe of Matt turning into a woman before her very eyes. “I crumple him? I’m crumpling down his walls? I can do that for him? He does that for me.” Well Meredith, that’s what you get when you’re in the bottom of the 9th, two outs, no one on, and Mariano Rivera is in to close it out. The GFB aint’ messin’ around. He wants to turn out the lights and send everyone home happy before we even take him back to see the fams (dammit. Used that abbreviation again. Sorry. Never happen again).
-Commercial. It’s raining in Los Angeles on and off all weekend which means all the newscasters will be out in their raincoats describing to us what rain is, how we use it, what to do if it hits our body, and when we can expect the apocalypse to begin. It’s rain people. This isn’t news.
-Video message time….
Sad- I don’t know what he said. I was eating crackers again.
Luke- “Extend me a rose. I wanna meet your family.” Yes, sir. Very bossy that Skywalker is.
The GFB- “Gimmie a rose. Let’s go to Portland.” Let’s not. It’s a dump and it rains every day.
-Commercial. “The Girl Next Door” starring Elisha Cuthbert from “24” opens soon. Uh, this I need to see. Kim Bauer is playing a porn star in a movie? Are you kidding me? First we get the tease of her half naked in bed with Luke Wilson in “Old School” and now this? Is tomorrow my birthday or something? There was a rumor going around she was dating Scott Foley a while back. If that was true, I guess I can’t harp on him too hard for getting dumped by Jennifer Garner. There’s got to be a scientific study out there which states going from Jennifer Garner to Elisha Cuthbert doesn’t mean you’re taking a step backwards. Or even sideways. Some studies might show it’s a step up in class. UPDATE: I've got my "24" characters mixed up. Scott Foley was rumored to be with Kate Warner, not Kim Bauer. Disregard this whole last paragraph. Except for the part about Kim Bauer being hot.
-Rose Ceremony….
GFB: not shocked in the least bit. That worried face he showed was bad acting.
Young Jedi Master Luke Skywalker: Holy smokes. Host boy didn’t inform us this would be the final rose of the night!!!! Six seasons, about 50 shows, and this is the first time he didn’t do it!!! You may be saying, “Steve, there were two roses. No need to say it after she gave one rose away.” I say, “B.S. He did it last week, and there’s certainly nothing more difficult than subtracting one from three than subtracting one from two.”
-So Sad got the boot. He’s not too happy. He went out with class, he asked questions, he complimented her, and prespired on his upper lip the whole time. Thanks. I needed to see that. Meredith: “We weren’t at that point. It wasn’t about you, it’s about me.” NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! She did it. She laid it on him. She went to the “I-don’t-know-how-to-tell-him-I-think-he’s-gay-so-I’ll-go-to-the-‘It’s-not-you-it’s-me’” card. Outstanding recovery by Meredith. Bonus points for that cop out.
-As Sad heads away in the limo, the waterworks begin. He couldn’t hold it together for another few seconds. Had to get that tear going right before goin’ off the air. No Ryan M. diatribe meltdown, no Ryan R. ripping off his mike and chucking it telling everyone, “I need a moment!!!!” fifty times. Nope, none of that. Just the “I-really-liked-her-and-this-really-hurts” fake tear to add to the drama. You did momma proud, Sad. She still loves you. Now go clean your room before dinner.
-To think that I’m going to be back tomorrow with another column flat out makes me want to hurl right now. I don’t care if it’s a laugh-a-minute tomorrow night for the “Men Tell Us Sh**” episode, tomorrow’s column won’t possibly be this long. Or will it?
****************ADDED BONUS*********************
-For no other reason than I had time on my hands, I actually did a review of “Karate Kid”. There’s a petition on the internet now to re-release it in the theatres next year for its 20 year anniversary. And yes, I’ve already signed it. Daniel LaRusso should be knighted for that performance. Once of the greatest performances of all time from June of 1985 thru July of 1985. So without further adieu, I bring you the “Karate Kid”…..(This will be in chronological order of how it appeared in the movie)
"Karate Kid"
-Why does Daniel walk on his toes? I sort of noticed it before, but it's really sticking out to me now. He really looks like he could use a pair of those "special" shoes that people with his affliction have.
-Is it really possible to catch a fly with chopsticks? I mean c'mon. Your margin for error is so little, I don't think a 17 year old who dresses like Daniel does, couldn't possibly have the talent to do that, as we'll see later in the movie.
-The beach scene in the beginning really sets the tone for the rest of the flick. One of the better beach scenes in recent movie history. Look what happened:
-Daniel showed off in front of a chick by playing soccer. Soccer! Who shows off by dribbling a ball off their knee? If I were Ali, I would've been repulsed by that and stolen their marshmallows or something.
-Elisabeth Shue had a few extra lbs on her in this flick. But for 1985, she was still smokin'. Then she made "Cocktail" and put her Ali days to shame. Remember? Her, waterfall, bikini...Yeah, that's what I thought. I think "Adventures in Babysitting" might have come before "Cocktail", but I'm not sure. I'm kind of pretending that didn't happen and doesn't appear on her resume. She should too.
-I think I had that exact same red hooded sweatshirt that Daniel had on. No designs, no name brand, just a straight red hooded sweatshirt. About 10 bucks at Target. (Didn't Adam Sandler write a song about his red hooded sweatshirt?).
-The Cobra Kai's make their first appearance and steal the show. You just knew those guys pulled all the chicks at school. Name me a "gang" in the 80' s that could even compete with these guys. Didn't think so. Question: How did they all ride motorcycles? Did you know anyone in high school who rode their motorcycle to school? Let alone 5 of them?
-In Daniel's fight with Johnny on the beach, didn't he realize after about 1 second that he was completely overmatched? I guess a man will do anything for love ("I am a man, who will fight, for your honor.." Wait. Sorry. That's from the "Karate Kid II" soundtrack. I'm getting ahead of myself).
-The "Where'd you find this guy?" quote from Daniel's friends friend was a classic. Poor guy invites Daniel to the beach for a little fun, some soccer, a little campfire where they can all bond, Daniel gets his ass kicked, and he takes crap from his boys for inviting him. Tough crowd.
-I also think I had the exact same ghetto blaster that Johnny ended up throwing to the ground. My life was so similar to the Karate Kid, it's eerie.
-Good to see Bananarama's career really take off after "Cruel Summer." Their 15 minutes ended right when the credits started to roll.
-The sexual tension between Daniel and Ali at the beginning of the movie is excrutiating. It's one of those "We-both-like-each-other-but-don' t-know-what-to-do-yet" type of crushes. I think she could've done better than Daniel, but that's a whole different story. They need to release a prequel that focuses on her and Johnny's prior relationship. I need some background. Was it abusive? Did they have sex? Was she a biker chick with him? Her parents seem to like him (more on them later), so why couldn't she?
-Why does Daniel blame his bike after getting pushed down the hill on it? What did the bike do? Did he actually think it was going to out gun 5 guys on motorcycles? He starts peddling faster like the bike will suddenly go into "ludicrous speed" (Sorry, had to throw a "Spaceballs" reference in there. Another great flick).
-In an encounter with Ali, Daniel has on camouflage pants, and a brown plaid shirt, with a red collared baseball undershirt. Who dressed this kid? No wonder everyone picked on him.
-Case in point: Why do Ali's friends hate Daniel so much and we're only 45 minutes into the movie? What'd he do to them? Oh I know. They hated his stupid soccer ball trick and they're pissed because apparently it turned Ali on. I get it now.
-The shower costume was an all-time classic. Although, let's be honest, considering he didn't have the curtain open when he walked into the dance, how in the hell did he know where he was going? Ali's friends just made another snide remark about Daniel. Their jealousy is quite annoying.
-I completely agree with the beating Daniel takes at the hands of the Cobra Kai's after he hosed down Johnny. How stupid is this kid? He's gotten his ass kicked like everyday since he's moved to California, yet now he's going to instigate something against five guys in skeleton costumes who all have black belts? Smart kid.
-The beating Daniel takes before Miyagi saves him is a good one. A little overacting when he's front kicked right into the fence, but definitely a nice butt kicking for what he did to Johnny. Johnny is slowly moving up the list for greatest villians of the 1980's.
-If this were wrestling, I think Cobra Kai Bobby would be the one who turns on his boys and tags with Daniel. He's always sticking up for the little twerp feeling sorry for him. He's what you call a follower. He probably doesn't even like karate, but everyone else told him to take it up so they could go around kicking ass and taking names. I would've loved to have seen Bobby get tutored by Miyagi in "Karate Kid II" to face Johnny and John Krese in a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs tag match. Ok, maybe not.
-If Daniel was constantly training with Miyagi after school until late at night, when did he ever have time for a social life? Or homework? And at what point did his mom say to him, "Daniel, you seem to be spending an awful lot of time with the maintenance man. Is everything OK?"
-Ali's parents are such snobbish little yuppies. I can't stand them. And they don't like Daniel either. At all. Man, does anyone outside of Ali and Miyagi care that this 17 year old kid's life is crumbling before our eyes?
-A classic first date to Golf-n-Stuff. You know that was filmed about 15 minutes from where I grew up don't you? I went on those Lil' Indy carts numerous times. Man, miniature golfing was the only other date place to go when you were younger other than the movies. Chicks loved going there. So many different aspects. The golf part is where you do the whole conversation, get-to-know-her crap. The bumper boats and cart rides are for you to have your little time away and show your competitive side. And to release any gas that had built up since dinner. Then you had the arcade inside where things got to be a little closer because you show her how to play the games and make fun of her. I had this down to a science people. Quite the romantic I was.
-I can't believe Daniel and Ali actually took a picture in those little booths with the spinning chair. Did anyone actually ever do that on a first date? That's a pretty big step in a relationship to take close pictures, isn’t it? And since no one ever knows when the hell that machine was ever going to take the picture, how did theirs come out so well?
-Ali's embarrassed now that she was seen with Daniel. Truly disheartening. Daniel's self confidence is about as low as you can get now since is mom has embarrassed him for about the 100th time since the movie started.
-So you're telling me in Daniel's "training" where he paints Miyagi's backyard fence, he painted both sides in one day? Is this a weekend? Doesn't he have any friends? Wait. Stupid question. No, he doesn't.
-After 4 days, Daniel has learned how to defend all of Miyagi's punches and kicks, yet the Cobra Kai's looked like novices when Miyagi beat their asses the night he came to Daniel's rescue. Hmmmm...either Miyagi is greatest karate instructor on the planet, or this movie is exaggerating the truth about karate. I'll go with the latter.
-Why is Daniel wearing cut off jean shorts when he's standing on the boat? Did he steal those from Ali? And when you really think about it, the relationship Daniel has with Miyagi is getting downright creepy.
-Daniel's second date with Ali has him wearing a white shirt, with white pants, and a red plastic rain jacket. And he's meeting her at Encino Oaks Country Club. His fashion sense is mind boggling.
-I think I could've done without the "Miyagi the lush" scene. I know it told about his background, but I still could've done without it. And why wasn't his wife and unborn child's death ever talked about in "Karate Kid II"? Miyagi's fling from back home is the only one they mention in the 2nd installment. Then Sato tries to beat his ass, his nephew is kicking Daniel's ass all over Okinawa, but Daniel prevails because everyone watching spins a little drum in their hands. Not the greatest of sequels but a lot of great quotes. Mostly from Sato's nephew ("You keep for your collection", and "Oh, you mean the baby rattle" just to name a couple).
-I've come to the conclusion Daniel officially has zero friends. If he wouldn't have ended up winning the tournament, ABC should've picked up right where this movie left off and cast Daniel in an after school special about the high school loser who commits suicide because everyone is always picking on him. And yes, Chad Lowe would've played the role of Daniel.
-When did Daniel have time to get a driver's license? Did Miyagi teach him that too? I thought Miyagi didn't know how to drive?
-I'm convinced Ali's two friends are lesbians. They can't stand Daniel, they constantly stick up for Ali, and they're always together. The director should have addressed this at some point. Or maybe when Daniel and Ali were having their little fight, Daniel could've hooked up with one of them to piss her off.
-God, he's trying to get Ali back and he still has that ridiculous red rain jacket on. What does she see in this dweeb? I demanding an explanation as to what these two possibly had in common. She's a rich yuppie from the Valley, and he's an east coast dork. These two are like oil and vinegar.
-What an awkward first kiss. Daniel looks like he's about to swallow her face. Easy there boy. Calm down.
-The final tournament scene is great because the culmination of all of Daniel's hard work apparently is about to pay off. I would've loved to have been in the stands during these matches. I would've held up signs like, "LaRusso's Da Man!" or "Don't Make a Sequel- Let Alone Three."
-If it's the biggest thing in Daniel's life, he's been training for months for it, why is he late for the tournament?
-Uh oh. The Cobra Kai's are ganging up on Daniel again, this time in the locker room. That blond guy Dutch scares me. He's just a big bully.
-How does Ali know the rules on scoring points in karate? She dated Johnny. I'm sure he used to tell her all his secrets during their late night make out sessions at Baskin Robbins.
-I have a friend who went to a Halloween costume party this past October as a Cobra Kai. He doesn't look anything like Daniel, or Johnny, or Dutch, or Bobby, or that psycho guy who's always either laughing or screaming. He doesn't look like John Kreese either.
-For all the bullying Dutch gave Daniel thoughout the duration of the movie, they should've dedicated a little more time to their quarterfinal match. They showed two pionts, one by each guy, yet Daniel was the winner. Editing. We missed something and I need to know how that matched truly played out.
-In the semi's, Johnny beats the Philipino guy in 3 straight points, and that guy is about 10 times better than Daniel, yet Daniel...forget it. I know. I know. It's just a movie.
-Daniel overreacted when he got kicked in the thigh in the semi's. It was just a dead leg. Suck it up Daniel, and quit having Miyagi bail you out of everything. See, there goes Bobby again telling Daniel he's sorry. I'm telling you, Bobby wanted out of the Cobra Kai's so bad, you could taste it. He was itching to be buddies with Daniel. Peer pressure.
-Who's this 'billie announcing the matches? This guy looks like he knows as much about karate as Daniel did two hours ago. And he even got to come back for a cameo in the second flick. So did the head referee.
-Why did the judges only give Daniel only 15 minutes to return to the ring after that Cobra Kai Bobby tried to put him "out of comission". Who makes these All-Valley Tournament Karate rules anyway? Bogus.
-My only problem with the Daniel/Johnny final was this: Where did Daniel learn all these moves? Throughout the movie, we saw Daniel learn 5 moves: defend a punch to the face, defend a punch to the stomach, defend a kick, and his offense consisted of straight kicking and punching. How he pulled a leg sweep on Johnny is beyond me. And after Daniel went up 2 points to nothing, didn't Johnny reel off about 5 points in a row? How was it only 2-2 before the super kick to win it?
Top Ten Quotes from the "Karate Kid"
10. "I hate this bike. Stupid bike. I hate this freakin bike!"- Daniel after getting run off the road by the Cobra Kai's. Once again, blaming the bike for no apparent reason. And come to think of it, if Daniel never throws the bike away, Miyagi never fixes it, Daniel never thanks him, and there's no movie. So maybe it was important to dump the bike.
9. "You're a pushy little bastard, aint'cha? But I like that! I like that!"- John Kreese to Miyagi when he offers the challenge. Kreese couldn't have been played by anyone else. That guy just looked like a mean teacher.
8. "Finish him!"- John Kreese to Johnny right before he gets Daniel's foot implanted in his teeth. Great teaching there, John. No wonder the Cobra Kai' s went out of business after Johnny lost. Hey Kreese, if it wasn't for Terry Silver bailing you out, you never would've...ok, I'm drifting into the 3rd "Karate Kid" now.
7. "You're the best friend I ever had." - Daniel to Miyagi after getting a car for his birthday. Daniel, you're a 17 year old boy who's only friend is a 50 year old Asian man. Not good.
6. "You're the best...around..and nothing's gonna ever keep ya' down!"- from the song while the tournament was going on. I'm bench pressing 300 lbs right now.
5. "Give em' a body bag! Yeah!"- the psycho Cobra Kai guy who was always laughing. Shutup dude. You're an idiot.
4. "This school sucks, man. It sucks!"- Daniel after getting kicked off the soccer team when he suckered punched Bobby during P.E. Right after that is when Bobby realized acting like that just wasn't him. He needed to soften up a bit.
3. "Not that boy from Reseda."- Ali's father when she told him she had a date. Further solidifying how much the parents couldn't stand Daniel and his horrible wardrobe.
2. "Well, well, look who we have here fellas, our little friend Danielle. Well, hello Danielle. What's the matter, mommy not hear to dress ya?" - Cobra Kai Dutch to Daniel when he's getting dressed before the tournament. Easily could've been the quote of the movie. And the ensuing, "C'mon, c'mon, make a move!" was Oscar caliber too. I just couldn't bring myself to give the quote of the movie to a guy who didn't play that big a role.
1. "You're all right LaRusso!" - Johnny to Daniel after getting beat in the finals. I know it may be cheesy, but that summed up the whole movie. The underdog comes out on top, and the favorite gives him his props. How Johnny lost to a guy who's ass he kicked all around school for the better part of a couple weeks is still mind boggling. But Johnny redeemed himself by his Oscar winning performance in his next flick playing Chaz Osbourne, the captain of the diving team in "Back to School".
-Now, you may ask how come Miyagi couldn't have any of the Top Ten quotes considering the guy was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor role. Well, it 's my list and I can do what I want with it. Miyagi's lines were good, but they weren't classic.
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