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2.4.04
Is there a reason no one bothered to ever tell me that last night’s show was an hour and a half? No mention last week, nothing during the week on ABC’s shows. Nada. Yet I pick up the paper yesterday and read about how Mere-D (which is a horrible nickname by the way) and the rest of her lap dogs will be on from 8:30-10:00. Thanks for the warning. And on a show where the three people eliminated couldn’t have been more obvious, the last thing I needed was another half hour. Or maybe they just added the extra 30 minutes so Ryan M. could make an even bigger jackass of himself. Holy smokes. That going away speech ranks right up there with Sue Hawk’s “If-you-were-thirsty-on-the-side-of-the-road-I-wouldn’t-give-you-water” rant.
With the changing around of the start time, and still having yet to purchase a TiVo for myself, last night was one giant clusterf***. “Smallville” from 8-9. “Bachelorette” from 8:30-10:00. And “American Idol” from 8:30-9:30. Exactly what is someone to do? I basically only saw “American Idol” during commercial breaks, and taped the last 30 minutes of Clark doing everything possible to push Lana further and further away from him. Good. That means she’s available. Maybe I can stop by the Talon sometime when she’s on a closing shift and have a cup of coffee with her. Ok, I’ll stop.
-You know the cheesy montage of clips they show when they’re playing the music in the beginning? Who’s that couple standing on the shores of the Pacific looking out to the ocean as the sun is going down? Are they getting residuals for this? Is that Aaron and Helene? Or maybe it’s Alex and his boyfriend? And what about the shot of those seagulls standing on shore? What do they get out of this? I’m sure PETA will get involved any second now.
-Host boy comes in to introduce Meredith’s two bestest friends in the whole wide world. Some guy named TJ who set a national television record by being Meredith’s best friend, yet not speaking for a whole 90 minute show. Thanks for coming TJ. Big help.
-And of course, the other bestest friend ever was Kelly Jo who she’s known for a whopping 8 months. Wow. Strong bond there. You’re kidding right? They actually tried to play this off as Meredith and Kelly Jo were that close to each other? C’mon. They wanted to get Kelly Jo and her giant poofy hair as much airtime as possible because they felt bad they picked Meredith over her. I could’ve sworn Ricki Lake had that same hairstyle in “Hairspray”. I’ve been asked this question quite a few times about Ricki Lake: “Would you?” And my response is always, “Pre-‘Hairspray’, or Post-‘Hairspray’?” “Post.” “Uhhhhh….no thanks.”
-So three guys will get 1-on-1 dates, while the other four get a group date. The 1-on-1 dates will be based off of letters each guy must write to Meredith explaining why they should get a 1-on-1, and they must read it to TJ and Kelly Jo. These guys can write? How embarrassing. And considering the amount of time they actually showed us of them reading these letters was all you needed to know about how these Cassanova’s fared. Puh-lease. “I…THINK…MEREDITH….IS….SMART….I….THINK….MEREDITH…IS…ATTRACTIVE….I..HAVE…A…CONNECTION…WITH…MEREDITH.” Thank you, Skippy. Move along, now. (Skippy is just a name I use for people who I think are lame).
-Up steps Ryan M. to the plate with his masterpiece. Ryan M. says Meredith has good intuition. He says when he rambled on talking on his dates with Meredith, she would complete his sentences and finish his thoughts. I agree, Ryan. She did. Only because she wanted you to shut the hell up. No other reason than that. As for how good Meredith’s intuition is, I have no idea. And I could care less. However, Jewel has good intuition. She wrote a song about it. I like new Jewel better than old Jewel. I think I’ve mentioned this before. Good. I’m going to again. New Jewel with the fake rack and short mini’s is much, much more attractive than the snaggletoothed one that lived in her car for months and wore baggy clothes and wife beater tank tops. We need more new Jewel like we need more cowbell. Gotta have more cowbell.
-Skywalker came up and either he’s posing as the “Mega Memory” infomercial guy, or he just went against all orders and didn’t read his letter. He basically just carried on a conversation with the mute and Kelly Jo. Uh, buddy. Write the letter, read the letter, go on date. Not that hard. Quit trying to impose the schwartz on Meredith. Ain’t working.
-Chad’s turn to read his letter. His letter had to do with fate. You see, Chad’s a big believer in fate. And wouldn’t you know it, just before he came on the show, he bought some god-awful t-shirt that said “Portland, Oregon” somewhere on it, and since that’s Meredith’s hometown, apparently he and Meredith are now supposed to get married tomorrow. Then he started crying mid-sentence during his letter because it was so touching. Neither I, nor my roommate, nor Kelly Jo, nor TJ the Mute cried during this reading. Nice try, big fella.
-Well, call me an idiot because Chad’s Oscar award winning performance got him the 1st 1-on-1 date. Fighting back all the tears, I guess TJ the Bore and Kelly Jo were so blown away by all that “fate” talk that Chad must be given some alone time. Well done, Chad. You’ve fooled tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb. Now let’s see if you can fool Meredith.
-Their date consists of going on a Gondola ride down in Newport Beach, along with having dinner is some floating hut. Gondola rides are nice and all, but isn’t it a little much to be doing that on a 1st date? Most people propose on Gondola rides, or do one for their anniversary. When you haven’t even smelled your dates perfume yet, I don’t think a Gondola ride is the way to go. Take her bowling and look at her ass or something.
-And how did I know Chad the actor would use the “Every-time-we-cross-under-a-bridge-you-must-kiss” crap to his advantage. Once again, not more than an hour into their first date, and now these two are forced to kiss because fruitcake in the ugly beret with the red scarf tells them that is tradition. Says who? Quit making stuff up to spice up the show. And quit looking like a freakin’ mime in that outfit of yours. I was hoping Chad and Meredith would pull a Mr. Miyagi and start rocking the boat so he’d fall into the canal and never return. Ok. That’s a little harsh. But you get what I’m saying.
-So if you’re on the Gondola, and you’re gonna kiss under the bridge, at least make it worth your while. I thought tradition was to get her in the missionary position and tongue her until she couldn’t breathe. Since when is tradition a short little peck on the lips? Step up to the plate, Chad. I mean, for being a former professional baseball player, you sure are a wuss. The forced kisses were very difficult to watch. Watching these two interact, I just kept picturing these two tossin’ the ball around in jeans and baseball caps on their next date. To say Chad is still sitting in the dugout waiting to get up to the plate would be an understatement, not to mention a horrible baseball analogy. I apologize. The sexual tension between these two is severely lacking. He looks like he could be her cousin.
-Back at the mansion, Video message #2 comes in, and Bob Guiney gets the next 1-on-1. Ok. Matthew is starting to look like a couple different people now. If you take Bob Guiney, Will Ferrell, and the guy who played the “Beast” in the TV show “Beauty and the Beast”, that’s Matthew. So what do we call him now? Guiney-Ferrell-Beast? That’s too long. The G-F-B? Hmmm…might work.
-Back on our 3rd grade Gondola ride, Chad tries desperately to compliment Meredith. “You have such an infectious laugh.” What? Her laugh gives you an infection? A man of so many words this Chad character is. The same bozo who cried while reading his own letter, and not even to the person it was meant for, is now spouting off about how his lover’s laugh gives him a rash. I don’t know what to do with this guy.
-Meredith’s reaction to the whole Chad experience: “Chad makes me giddy. He makes me nervous. He makes me laugh. I don’t know why.” Neither do I, sweetie. He didn’t say one funny thing on the Gondola or in the floating hut, yet she was laughing up a storm. She continues the compliments: “Chad is the kind of guy I would go for. He’s the kind I want and the kind I need.” Wow. Pretty strong stuff after one date. Of course, there’s still two more solo’s left and I’m sure we’ll get more of the same after those two dates.
-I missed the scene where Meredith and the GFB went up in the plane. Was it a biplane? They like doing the whole biplane date on the “Bachelor/ette”. I think Firestone did it on his. Now, neither of those compared to Brandon, Steve, Jonathon (Susan Keats’ ex-boyfriend) and Joe going up in the planes because nothing ever will. Remember? Then Joe came off the plane and passed out because he had a bad ticker. Then Donna found out about it and told him he shouldn’t play football. But then he did. And then he didn’t. And he quit. And he moved back to Beaver Falls to be a high school football coach. He asked Donna to come with him and marry him, but she couldn’t leave Beverly Hills. Let’s see, Beaver Falls or Beverly Hills? Tough one.
-While I’m on the BH90210 subject, one quick topic that needs to be discussed. Who was each characters all-time best boyfriend/girlfriend? Donna: I’ll go with David since they ended up married. A close second for Ray Pruitt. “How do you talk, to an angel….” Kelly: That’s easy. Colin. He got her started back on her coke snorting binges. Andrea: Who cares? Brandon: Susan Keats. Trust me. Re-watch that whole season. FX is probably showing it right now. Best chemistry he had with anyone. Which is why they even brought her back for that ABC Family movie he just made. Steve: Although he had a kid with someone else, Claire was his best one. Her suddenly leaving the show did not sit well with me. Still doesn’t. Dylan: Valerie. The places they liked to have sex and go at it were great. No shame. David: Just because Donna was his best, doesn’t mean it’s the same in return. I’ll go with that chick he banged in the limo right before graduation, Arial. Scarred Donna for life to see the condom wrappers on the floor. Good stuff. Valerie: She slept with anything that moved, so I can’t possibly narrow it down to one guy. Ok. I’m done. Back to our regularly scheduled column.
-Video message #3 is the group date. It’ll be a golfing date with Young Skywalker, Ryan M., Color Contact boy, and Sean. Ryan M. is none too happy so he pulls Kelly Jo aside to tell her. “I felt I was a front runner until you guys arrived. Something’s wrong here. I need to know why because this is ridiculous.” She basically told him that she told Meredith she sees him as more of a “friend” type. Uh oh. They’ve gone to the “friend” card on you Ryan. “The friend card is out. The friend card is out. Back away from the sharp objects please.” Never a good thing to hear your just the “friend” type.
-Back on the solo date, Meredith and the GFB are at the vineyard talking about relationships.
Meredith: “Have you ever cheated on anyone?”
GFB: “No. Have you?”
Meredith: “Yes. Long time ago.”
-The Guiney-Ferrell-Beast is lying. I call bulls**t right now. Of course he has. Everyone has at some point. It’s part of growing up. In fact, I think they offered that class in high school. “How to Cheat 101”. But really, should cheating even count in high school? Every guy was a walking hormone in high school, and I can guarantee you one thing about high school relationships: With the exception of a few, those couples that stayed together all throughout high school, that ate lunch together everyday, and met each other after every class just to hold hands and walk to their next class, and wrote notes to put in each other’s lockers etc. Well, I’ll tell you what’s happened to that couple. They’re not together anymore because she went off to a different college, was in a dorm with boys on her floor, and within the first week of doing all those cheesy ice breaking freshman games, she was hooking up with her R.A. who was a junior and gave her attention. You know, he “listened” to her when she was upset about being away from her boyfriend back home. As for the guy, he just got to college and realized, “You don’t bring sand to the beach.”
-Commercial. “Extreme Makeover” is unreal. Now tonight they’re a doing an “Extreme Makeover: The Wedding”. Two ugly people who are engaged, will be separated for 8 weeks while they get their face busted open, and won’t see each other until the day of the wedding. When will this stop? The minute I see “Extreme Makeover: In the Mother’s Womb”, I’m officially never watching television again.
-Meredith and GFB’s date is goin’ great. Over dinner, he’s just keeps feeding and feeding and feeding her all the great B.S. lines about love, relationships, World Peace, World Hunger, etc. And Meredith’s diggin’ every word of it. She’s in heaven. Matt the GFB is currently running away with this competition.
-You know what’s funny? How many guys come on this show and utter this line, “This was the most romantic date I’ve ever been on.” Of course it was. And why do you think that? Uhhhh gee, maybe because it was paid for, everything was already set for you and you didn’t have to do s*** to prepare? Think that could be the reason? Anything compared to dinner, a movie, and sex is going to be considered romantic. It’s like these guys never had a creative idea for a date in their life, then they go on their first real one on the show, and they think it’s the greatest thing ever.
-Something’s bothering me about Meredith. No, it’s not her front teeth. Its those sweaters with the giant necks. Those things could fit two heads coming out of them. They make hers look so small. Looks like that dude in “Beetlejuice”. And the neck part of her sweater is as big as the cone you put around dog’s neck when you don’t want it touching its own face. Are these her sweaters? Get rid of them. Thank you.
-Meredith can’t take it anymore. She wants Matt in the throws of passion. Sort of.
Meredith: “I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me for so long.”
Matt: “I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night.”
Then do it already! Geesh. Between he and Chad, these two are moving slower than Kobe when a black woman approaches. Good to hear that a woman up in Portland now says that she had an affair with Kobe every time he came to town, but, “he was always a perfect gentleman.” What does that mean? He tipped you before leaving? He actually had sex with you on the bed rather than over a chair? I’m guessing every guy who cheats on his wife would love to be called a “perfect gentleman.” “Vanessa, I know you’re upset. I know this hurts, honey. But let me just say, as great as the sex was, Kobe was a perfect gentleman.” That must ease the pain.
-Time for the group date with Luke, Sean, Color Contact guy, and Ryan the Spaz. They’re heading down to La Costa to play some golf. The Spaz figures on the ride down there, he’ll pull Meredith aside and tell her how he’s feeling….
Ryan M.: “You know, when this first started I really felt we had a connection….you have a good intuition….then your friends came…..I gave you a hug, but you leaned in wrong, and it didn’t feel right…..then Lanny patted me on the back…..you gave him a hug….then Chad gave you a kiss……I felt sad….I felt angry…I felt confused..…”
-You get where this is going. Exactly. Nowhere. Even Meredith knows it. “Ryan was so intense. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.” Other than Russ from the first Bachelorette when he basically shouted down Trista on their exotic date, there couldn’t have been an easier elimination pick than Ryan M.
-So at the golf course, CC boy Brad thinks he’ll be the cool one by wearing his golf visor facing upwards. Golfing attire gets made fun of all the time, but this might have been the worst look I’ve ever seen on a course. Visors weren’t made to be flipped up, you pud.
-Video message #4 back at the mansion and it comes obviously for Lanny. They will have a romantic dinner for two to be prepared by Lanny who’s never cooked a damn thing in his life. And oh yeah, in the video, Meredith is wearing a top that closely resembles the soap/shower/scrubber that women have in their bathroom. You know, that thing you put a drip of soap on, then rub it together and the whole thing starts to foam. Well, she had a giant one on that covered the front of her body.
-Back on the course, CC boy pulls Meredith aside to get some alone time and he does nothing with it other than lay a horrible looking kiss on her. “You and I don’t kiss very well.” Once again, not something you should probably be admitting to someone on your first “date”. How about just telling her she looks ugly that day?
-Young Jedi Knight gets some alone time on a hammock to pimp himself off and she calls him “cocky.” He says he’s only cocky when “I know I’m gonna get lucky.” Realizing Meredith hasn’t gotten past 1st base with any of these little boys, he quickly takes back that phrase. Hey, have you noticed we are now four episodes in and there hasn’t been one hot tub scene yet? Any reason for that? Every other season has at least two hot tub scenes, along with some sort of massage/rub down/happy ending deal, and maybe a shower scene like where Trista and what’s-his-face had sex. This season we get Meredith in oversized sweaters with giant turtlenecks. Hey, I can get Janet Jackson’s nipple on free TV nowadays. ABC better step it up these last few episodes. Let’s see, 140 million people watched at least parts of the game, Justin is her former slam, and Janet has a new CD coming out? Ya’ think that was staged?
-Young Luke also wears a watch that is basically the size of a baseball. Grown men actually wear watches like that. The thing probably has its own calendar on it, tells the time in 9 different countries, and has a calculator on it. Can we get a better watch, please? At least get one that matches your lightsaber.
-Lanny’s date happens next so he arrives with groceries to cook dinner. What? No Burger King? Couldn’t pick her up a Double Whopper w/ cheese combo, no onion or mayonnaise? That would’ve shocked the hell out of her. “Look sweetie, I can’t cook worth a damn. I just picked us up some In-N-Out on the way over. Hope you like it.” So, Lanny can’t cook yet somehow he put together a shrimp dinner? I don’t know what exactly he made, but all I know is he didn’t do it all by himself. No way.
-After dinner, they lay on the couch staring at each other. Not much talking, just a few grunts from Lanny, and a few smiles from Meredith as she seems to be getting more and more comfortable with the redneck hillbillie from Texas. In fact, she’s actually starting to fall for this steer. Which leads us to the quote of the night by Meredith….
-Meredith: “I really like Lanny. For the first time in my life, I want to ride Lanny like a horse.” Or maybe it was, “….I want to ride Lanny’s horse.” Well, whatever it was, the FCC will be sending some sort of fine over to ABC for it. Phrases like that uttered before 9:30pm are subject to a $10,000 fine and immediate removal from the show. I think.
-So her and Lanny start kissing. A lot. More than you think. And boy is Lanny diggin’ in on these kisses. Whoa, boy. Calm down. Has he ever kissed anyone before? This didn’t look right. For as much as I got on Chad and the GFB for being wusses, Lanny went a little too far. Every time they stopped, he kept going in for more. He was like a lizard. Easy Lanny. Let the woman breathe.
-Final chances to blow Merediths socks off. No one does. Meredith is concerned Luke doesn’t open up enough. Here we go. Another person on this show that’s afraid top open up for fear of getting hurt. Well, either that, or he’s just that dull. Meredith: “Do you think you can open up to me?” Luke: “Uhhh…..errrrr….ummmm….” The guy never answered the question. At least lie just to get to the next round buddy. All you have to do is show some inkling that you have a pulse and you’re golden.
-Ryan M.’s last chance to have America laugh at him. He succeeds. He basically thinks the world is out to get him, that TJ and Kelly Jo were part of some CIA/CTU conspiracy to bring him down, and that the feds are after him for the JFK assassination. Meredith: “There’s never a dull moment with you. You amaze me.” He ate this up. This really made him feel confident going into the ceremony that he was going to get a rose. Which made me that much happier.
-Up in the deliberation room, Host boy tells her not only are their seven video messages waiting for her, but she can also look at the letters the guys read to Kelly Jo and that speechless dude. I don’t think it was coincidental they showed her reading that garbage for a span of about 10 seconds. Two reasons: 1) They weren’t any good, and 2) Nothing these tards wrote was going to change her mind about Sean, Ryan M. and Brad the CC guy getting s***canned. Nice try, though. She zipped through those letters like she had a plane to catch.
-Commercial. “Don’t fail to watch ‘Celebrity Mole: Yucatan’ right after the ‘Bachelorette’”. Don’t worry. I will. I got a column to type, and a “Newlyweds: Jessica and Nick” to tape. How long is it before you can stop calling people “newlyweds”? Is there a time limit on this? Is it a year? 2 years? 3? Can we really be calling these two “newlyweds” three years from now?
-Rose ceremony (yawn)…..
-Matthew….representing the South Region in the Final Four.
-Lanny….she rode his horse and she liked it. Our 2nd Final Four contestant.
-Chad….no more Gondola rides please.
-Skywalker….the only reason they even brought up his fault about opening up was to throw some doubt into our mind as to who the final rose would go to. If anybody watching the show didn’t think Ryan M. and Sean were definitely 2 of the 3 gone, you don’t pay enough attention and you have a life. The only outside chance of taking down Luke was Brad and his contacts, but even that was a reach.
-Sean and Brad left with class. Good for them. Now they can just wait for the reunion show to trash her. As for Ryan M., that’s a completely different story. I should’ve taped this episode just so I can slowly go over every stupid, ridiculous thing that came out of this guy’s mouth. I’ll try to remember….
Ryan M.: “She told me there was a connection….she told me there was a spark….she finished my sentences….she laughed at my jokes…she told me there’s never a dull moment and that I amaze her….what does she want?….does she want the kind of guy that wears his heart on his sleeve?…that’s where mine is….right here….not there….here…not there….does she want that?….somebody must want that?…who wants that?…..i don’t know what she wants….”(sigh. Brought to tears. Goodnight sir).
-One of the all-time great meltdowns in this shows history. As for next week, we get Meredith going home to visit each guy’s hometown. Lanny’s mom starts grilling her, her and the GFB I think get to 2nd base, Skywalker gives her a tour of the Death Star, and Chad’s mom utters the line of the week with, “What do you see in our unemployed son?” Gee thanks Mom. Think that’ll hurt his chances? As I predicted last week, this game is between the Matt the GFB and Skywalker.
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