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REUNION SHOW
SEASON FINALE
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REUNION SHOW
Wasn’t I just sitting here 24 hours ago, typing the exact same thing, about the exact same people? Honestly, I am so damn tired right now, I might split my head open when I pass out on the computer. So just to forewarn you, this will probably be to most of yours delight, this column will not be nine pages long. If it is, I’ve really outdone myself. All I know is this: I don’t have nearly as many notes written down than I would on a regular episode of the “Bachelorette”. Might have something to do with a lot of the clips we saw last night we had already seen. Might have something to do with the fact I want to be in bed in the next 90 minutes or so. Or, it just might have to do with the fact that last night’s show wasn’t really all that damn interesting. I’d say a combination of those three factors will allow me to write a short, swift recap of the nonsense we saw last night. And oh yeah, no “Karate Kid” reviews either. Might be a “Grease 2”, or a “Pretty in Pink”, or a “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” in the future though.
-They start off by explaing how the “Bachelorette” works. Meredith chooses between “25 of the most eligible bachelors in the country”. Really? Of every eligible bachelor in the United States of America, THESE are the 25 most eligible? Well ladies, if you’re not married by now, you might as well just kill yourself if this is what you have to look forward to. A world of going to clubs and bringing home motor mouths like Ryan M., or bad kissers like Brad, or ranting and raving lunatics like Ryan R. Good luck to you all.
-We’re told this show will also give us footage never before seen from the show and audition tapes of the guys. This is always good stuff. Those wacky outtakes that ABC could easily market on pay-per-view, they’re deciding to give to us for free. How kind. Because watching somebody trip, or watching someone get drunk and make an ass of themselves is so original and really is pretty groundbreaking when you start talking about reality television.
-Host boy introduces us to our 23 losers. He immediately starts reeling off the names, and just like every year, the first nine or ten people they show, I have no remembrance of them ever being on my television screen. But their they were in their full glory. The guys we all grew so close to. Characters like Andy, and Jeff, and Brian. Scholars like Anselm, Trever, and Eliot with one “l” and one “t”. So good to see these people back in our lives, even if it only is for 2.5 seconds.
-So when they went through all the guys, the loudest cheers were for the token brotha’ Marcus, and Lanny. Why the love for Marcus? I had no idea until I looked up his profile again and realized he lives in L.A. Nice of him to bring his own cheering section for a show he finished in 13th place on. As for Lanny, chicks just love him. Southern charm, good looking guy, and gets off watching horses mount each other. Understandable.
-Wow, we’re five minutes in and we’ve already seen some never-before-seen footage. They’re recapping Wednesday nights show, and they show Host boy saying, “Guys, this is the final rose tonight.” They didn’t show that Wednesday, did they? God I hope not cuz’ I sure made it a point that for the first time ever, he didn’t utter that stupid line. See, I knew he couldn’t do it. He’s gotta keep that streak alive. We’re at about 50 shows now, and there was no way he couldn’t step in there and become math teacher for everyone. You’re the greatest Chris. I can’t think of one single game show host I’d rather see doing this show. Except Peter Tomarken from “Press Your Luck”.
-First up to talk to host boy is Wednesday’s loser, Sad. They recap his farewell to Meredith which chokes him up again. You’re kidding, right? At least three months later, and this guy’s still bothered by Meredith dumping him? “There went my best friend, and my wife.” Host boy: “Would it be safe to say that you loved Meredith?” Sad: “Yes, I definitely loved her.” Yikes. There’s a saying that if you love something, let it go. If it never comes back, it wasn’t meant to be. Sad. Buddy. Please. Do us all a favor and let Meredith go. Her and Matt love each other, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. 3rd place sucks. You’re the 2nd loser. Deal with it, move on, and wipe off your upper lip. That perspiration is making me queezy.
-They talked about his hometown date where he really struggled telling Meredith about how his piggybank and his lemonade stand were his only form of income. And I think he had a paper route as well. He said his mom didn’t do him any favors by throwing him under the bus with the “What do you see in this unemployed person?” crack. Great. Pawn it off on mom’s why don’t you. I don’t buy your “company-went-under” story one iota, pal. You lied to Meredith. You’re a liar. And now you must suffer the consequences. Go to your room! No supper until your bed is made, and all your toys are off the floor!
-Host boy embarrasses him some more by playing the clip of “The Kiss”. Or in their case, “The Kiss That Never Was.” Sad says he had more game than that, he blamed the cameras being around, took some blame himself, but basically was made an ass of for the 2nd night in a row. I still don’t know how he acted the way he did. Dude, her legs were wrapped around you, her arms were around your head, you were millimeters from her face, and she just relayed a story to you about a 6th grade boyfriend that she got pissed at for asking to kiss her. How did you miss that? So if she was naked on a bed, would you think she wanted to have tea party? I guess this is why Sad is talking to Host boy right now.
-Commercial. After last week’s breathtaking interview with Mel Gibson, “PrimeTime Live” is following that up with Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne tomorrow night. Boy, hasn’t their popularity dwindled. People still watch, but not nearly as religiously as they did. Woops. I said “religiously”. Is Diane Sawyer going to freak out? Is she going on the attack again? “Are you anti-Semitic?” “Did God write this movie?” “Do you hate Jews?” “Are you the devil reincarnated?” Back off, Diane. It’s only a movie.
-Next up on the “hot seat” is the metrosexual chick. I think they actually did a somewhat decent job of letting us hear from the guys we wanted to hear from, and about the things we wanted to hear about. Did that make sense? Didn’t think so. But I’ll at least give them credit anyway. But it’s still not a “hot” seat. “Lukewarm” is more like it. It’s basically not the “Tyra” seat, but could definitely be a “Nicole-Eggert-on-Charles-in-Charge” seat.
-So Chick is getting grilled mercilessly for having female genitalia. Unseen footage on his alone date with Meredith shows her asking him if he gets manicures. To which he responded that he did. Well, I’ll tell you what, if the metrosexual community hasn’t found a leader or president for their kind, I nominate Chick. The metro-ness is oozing out of him even tonight. Couldn’t you see he was by far the best dressed there? Every other guy looked the same in their jeans and collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up just at the cuff, but Chick had the suit outfit going minus the tie. I just realized after seeing all these clones dressed alike that I could’ve blended right in. I need to change my style now that I know every other guy in America does it. I don’t stand out anymore. Dammit.
-The never-before-seen footage we see is Meredith ripping Chick a new a**hole. “Rick is annoying. Rick is pompous. And Rick is an ass.” Wow. Some impression he made. What did it, Meredith? That act he pulled at dinner scraping the basil off his tomatoes? Rick, basil doesn’t taste like anything. It’s a seasoning, not an appetizer. Or was it maybe the Fred Flinstone-esque way he bowled a ball? Or that he gets manicures? Or that he’s pickier than you? Didn’t realize she despised him this much. Good. Put him in his place.
-Chick tries to turn everyone on his side when he says, “Maybe everything I did came across as overconfidence, when all I was really doing was hiding my insecurities.” Noooooo. Boooooo. Not acceptable. We disliked you better when you were an arrogant prick. Quit trying to change your image since you got caught with your pants down.
-Next up in the “Tracy-Gold-post-‘Growing-Pains’-pre-anorexia” seat is our boy Ryan M. They just recapped his mouth not moving for the four episodes he was on, asked him what he thought about being such a loudmouth yay-hoo, and sent him on his way. At least Ryan M. understands now that he has a talking problem. He’s not afraid to admit it. “When I see a girl at a club, I’m the first one to go over and start talking to her. I don’t stand back and not say anything.” Well, maybe you should now. Talking isn’t helping his cause at all. Ryan. Quit talking. You’ll be mesmerized by all the women who’ll actually give you some attention.
-From Ryan M. they go to Ryan R.’s meltdown at the final episode where he threw his mike, kept telling Chick he “needed a moment”, and solidified himself as being the sorest loser in the history of this game. But Ryan R. informs us that he wants his final scene to be recognized from now on as a “passionate departure”. Sure. Whatever you say. It was a meltdown, Ryan. One of epic proportions that should be sent to the Television Hall of Fame.
-Commercial. They tease next week’s two hour finale with Host Chris posing the question, “Who will Meredith choose? Secure Matt? Or Wanderer Ian?” Hey, wait a minute. Since when did he start naming these guys? And since when does this guy have an opinion on anything? I would’ve just gone with “Who will Meredith choose? The multi-talented former ‘Saturday Night Live’ and CBS actor? Or will she choose to use the force? Tune in next week for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!”
-Climbing into the “Susan Keats” seat next is everyone’s favorite Momma’s boy, Lanny. In case you couldn’t tell, Lanny wanted no part of this show. Not necessarily the screaming women who he probably got some off after the show. I think he could deal with that. But he knew his mom was gonna take some, and didn’t look very thrilled to deal with it. It’s ok, Lanny. Momma gonna make it all better.
-Host boy: “When did you realize that the 7th rose was for you?” Lanny: “I didn’t until a couple weeks ago when I saw the show.” Uh huh. So getting the last rose in a batch of seven didn’t give you any sort of clue? A terrible question and an even worse answer. Tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb conversing up on stage right now is hurting my brain.
-Here it comes. You can almost see the steam coming out Lanny’s ears now. They’re grillin’ mama. Host boy: “Do you think she went overboard? Did you sense Meredith was uncomfortable? Do you think your hometown date is the reason you’re here now?” Lanny came back with a predictable, yet stern answer: “Look, you m*****f***er. Quit jumpin’ on Ma’ like that. Ain’t nobody disrespect Ma’ the way you be doin’ it. You better know how to defend yourself when I stick my size 15 inch boot straight up your ass.” Ok, maybe he didn’t say that, but dammit, he was mad. “My mama’s the most amazing person I know. She’s just lookin’ out for me. I love her to death and she loves me. I don’t regret anything she said.” Easy, big guy. Have a valium. Host boy’s about to ease your pain.
-Host boy (to the audience) : “Ladies, who would like to help out a cowboy?” (Response from the single horny females in the crowd) : “Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaawwww!!!! Wooooo Hoooooo!!!! Yipppeeeee!!!!” Yeah, I’d say Lanny got laid that night. Pick of the litter in that crowd.
-Out comes Meredith to standing ovation for God knows what reason. Oh yeah, by the way, she’s been backstage this whole time listening to guy’s ask questions and make their comments. So I’m expecting when she comes out, everyone’s guns will be firing and she’ll be trying to fend them off like Daniel and Miyagi the first night Daniel learns all his cleaning chores were actually for a reason.
-She comes out, acts sad to see….Sad, and explains to him why she dumped his unemployed/baseball player/pharmaceutical sales ass. “The passion was great, but the fire wasn’t there enough.” Translation: I get more excited kissing my brother goodnight than laying with you and listening to you tell me how perfect you want our kisses to be. Sad, you’re a nice guy, but you had the sex drive of a pencil sharpener.
-Oh boy. Heeeeeeeeeere we go. Sad: “Was it anything imparticular I said or did? Was I not sexually assertive enough? Could I have done anything different? I don’t….I want….I….I….I…” Just let it go, Sad. Let it go. just accept the B.S. answers she's given you. Be happy with that. Don’t let yourself listen to her basically tell you she got more turned on in sixth grade than by you when you had her by herself in a suite. Just let it go. Let it….c’mon….please….just don’t…. Meredith: “Is there anything else you could’ve done? Ummmmm…..no.” Kaboom. That loud pop you just heard was his condom bursting.
-Then they go color contact/bad kisser Brad to make fun of, well, his kissing. Brad claims now that strange women at bars all come up to him and ask for kisses saying they’d love to teach him. Hmmmm….somehow I don’t think this is true. And neither should you. But to make all of us viewers sick to our stomachs, they pull a “4-out-of-10” from the audience, and Brad gets to make out with her. The pizza I had around two o’clock today has just been projectiled across my living room floor. Brad the kissing bandit is on the loose. Ladies in the greater Grand Rapids area, please wear the correct protective face gear when talking with Brad. And please, do not look him directly in the fake eyes. I repeat, do not look him directly in the fake eyes.
-Meredith is gone. We got a whopping 4 minutes of her with the guys. And only Sad got to ask anything. Although technically he didn’t ask anything, he was just on all fours pleading for her to give him a second chance. I didn’t think it was possible for Sad to come off worse on this show than on Wednesday’s episode, but by God, he damn well pulled it off. Just for that, let’s just make Sad our next “Bachelor” after Jessie Palmer.
-After returning from commercial, they basically just show us a montage video of each finalist. Luke picking her up in the millennium falcon, and wisking her around cloud city to meet Lando Calrissian and the boys. Matt’s video showed him arriving the first night and not even telling her his name cuz’ he was so nervous. Usually those dorks get eliminated early. Not this time. Way to go, Matt. You’re the best.
-Next week is the 2-hour finale where both guys head home to Portland to meet Meredith’s folks. Then in the biggest rose ceremony yet, Meredith makes her decision in front of all of America in what has to be one of the ugliest final outfits ever. What in the hell is she wearing? A black skirt and I some white t-shirt with a giant collar. Gee. Glad you dressed for the occasion. Maybe that means she picks Ian since she knows she’s not getting a ring. Hmmmmm….until next week when this season finally comes to an end.
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