Let’s get right to it. A very interesting “Idol” last night. My expectations were rather low going in. I mean, Queen? What’s next week? Black Sabbath? Quiet Riot? I just don’t understand on the most watched show on television, you focus all eight songs on a band that really isn’t that popular anymore. They’ve got classic songs, but to choose Queen with only eight contestants left was rather surprising. Onto the show…
AMERICAN IDOL
-The one thing I will say Bucky does better than any of the contestants is switch that microphone from hand to hand. Boy is he good at that. And nothing else. I’ve had just about enough of Bucky. Nice guy, means well, fun at parties, but no business even making the final twelve. Yeeeeeeee-hah!
-The USA Today yesterday had the songs that the contestants were going to sing yesterday morning. The two that jumped out at me were Ace and Kellie. “We Will Rock You”? That’s a chant, not a song. Who thought that was remotely entertaining. To quote Randy in weeks past, “In the end, this is a singing competition.” How can we judge Ace on his singing when he sang about ten seconds of that song. Horrible choice. And he continues to be the most overrated performer on this show. And the one who wears the most blush on his cheek.
-Is there a reason the makeup crew ran amuck with the eyeliner last night. Kellie looked like a drugged out hooker. And for God knows what reason, even Chris got into the act darkening up his eyes. Some of these wardrobe/makeup choices are head scratchers. Chris, you’re a dude. Quit wearing eyeliner.
-One thing going for Ace last night? Some high schooler in the audience had an, “Ace will you go to the prom with me?” sign. Awwwww….how cute. Worst part is, he’ll probably consider it. And enjoy himself. In the backseat of the limo. With a high schooler. Ace is very manly.
-As good of a singer as Chris is, why am I always distracted by the multitude of lights that are flashing behind him all the time? Can we not have that anymore please? I’m going blind just watching him sing. Or maybe its just from punching my clown too much.
-I thought Kellie singing “Bohemian Rhapsody” would be a complete disaster. Especially after seeing Constantine nail it like he did last season. She was in a no-win situation. It wasn’t nearly as good as his, and pretty mediocre if you ask me, but it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. It’s just a song that needs to be sung by a guy. A girl singing that song just doesn’t sound right. What a chauvinistic pig. Woops. Now I’m typing what I think people are saying about me.
-Last week we get Rachel Bilson, this week…..Camryn Manheim? WHAT? Who invited her? She’s not even on a Fox show. Nor was she ever on a Fox show. Boooooooooo. And oh yeah, that dude from the Monkeez was there too. Wow. They really went after the A-listers this week, huh? Can’t wait til’ we see Belinda Carlisle and Susanna Hoffs there next week.
-I enjoyed Katharine last night. She was good. A little slow in the beginning, but when she got going, I really enjoyed myself. And her performance wasn’t bad either.
-No sexual gyrations that would make moms on “Cheerleader Nation” have a nervous breakdown, but Paris did come with the bustier this week. Great. I wonder if Paris’ parents approve of her act up on stage. They will once she comes home with a boyfriend ten years older than her.
CHEERLEADER NATION
-Have you seen this show? It’s on the Lifetime Channel on Friday nights. Pure brilliance. Follows the cheer squad at Dunbar High School in Kentucky as they make their way to Nationals in Florida. I went to a high school in Southern California where cheerleading was big and our squad competed in Nationals every year , so even as a male, even I get a kick out of this show. Can you hang on a second? Thanks…….ok, I’m back. I just had to check to see if I still owned a penis. Still there. Whew.
-Last week the girls had to sell tickets to the winter formal to raise money for their trip. Or something along those lines. I wasn’t paying that close attention to anything other than the spectacle that was watching high school girls shop from formal dresses. Holy sh**. Sometimes I find myself wondering why women are difficult sometimes and this scene pretty much solidified that for me. You realize you people are insane when it comes to shopping for clothes, don’t you? Insane, I say. There’s no other explanation for the behavior that exudes when you’re walking through the bottom floor at Robinson’s May. None. There are very few things I don’t like doing with a woman, but shopping is #1-10 on my list. I’d much rather give myself an enema than shop with you people. I’m sorry.
-We’re in a no-win situation. If you ask our opinion on something, and it differs from yours, you don’t agree with us and create arguments. Then if we say we like something, you say, “You’re just saying that because you want to leave.” Exactly. And then you throw a hissy fit and say we don’t care about your likes and wants and needs and…..AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Sorry. Moment of weakness. Just know to never go shopping with me unless you’re from this planet.
-So “Cheerleader Nation” quite possibly could deserve its own column, that’s how good it is. But I honestly think that if I reviewed that show on a weekly basis, bad things would happen to me. Really bad things. It’s only bad karma. Might as well just tell me to start collecting unemployment since I know the termination from my job would be happening any minute. I can just predict these things.
24
****Quick note: If you haven’t watched this weeks episode and don’t want to be spoiled, do not continue reading*********
-First time I’ve spent any significant amount of time talking about “24”, and for good reason. It’s the best show on television and has been for quite some time. You think my reality TV obsession is bad? Pales in comparison to “24”. Put it this way: I‘ve recently ordered vanity license plates with a “24“ reference on it. See. Told you. Not to mention the hooded sweatshirt, the long sleeve t-shirt, the “CTU” hat, etc. Oh yeah. I raided the online store. It’s a sick obsession I know.
-So Kiefer has signed a three year, eight figure deal through May of 2009 with Fox to remain on as Jack Bauer and start his own production company. Outstanding. Gee, and all this time I thought he was going to die soon. I’ve read a couple interviews where Kiefer expresses that he thinks what attracts people to the show is its real time format and that the show could survive without him. Uhhhh, wrong. The real time aspect is definitely a major role as to why the show is so original and likable, but the minute they kill off Jack Bauer is the minute they lose half their audience. Easy. You can’t replace him, you can’t slowly phase him out, you can’t groom someone else to be the next Jack. No. Sorry. Just let Jack be Jack and kill everyone else around him. Until the last episode of the show when I’m sure Jack will finally meet his maker.
-Whoever thought a weenie like President Logan could mastermind today’s events? Great twist. Nothing in this show will ever compare to Nina turning out to be a mole, but making the leader of the United States the villain was pretty ballsy (Do I need to define “ballsy” for you Kellie?). It’s amazing how they can continue to outdo themselves. Nina being the mole can never be topped just because no one saw it coming, and now going into every season, immediately people start speculating, “Well, which one do you think is the mole?” There’s not one person they could ever shock us with being a villain as much as Nina shocked us. No way. People are looking for it now.
-With the show signed on for another three seasons, I definitely think they’re going to keep around some of the regulars for the time being. Outside of Jack, the only mainstays for even the last two seasons are Chloe, Curtis, Buchanan, Audrey, Pierce, and Mike. I’m guessing Logan will be out of office next season. So that core of seven, which includes Jack, I would think, will be around for a while. And when I say a “while”, it probably means middle of next season when Chloe will probably blow someone away with an uzi. Only in “24”.
-I have a feeling that we’re still in for more twists and turns during these last seven episodes. I think we’ve seen the last of Kim, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Henderson has her holed up somewhere to use as leverage. If she doesn’t come back at all this season, then those two episodes were pretty much a waste. Why’d they even do it? Was it that important to tell us Kim thinks her dad is a walking bad luck charm? Something tells me she’ll make another appearance.
THE OC
-While Season Three has been good, it’s not nearly as good as Seasons One or Two. I mean, how many times are Marissa and Ryan breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, getting back together, etc. And why he’d keep going back to her anyway never makes any sense. Those two need to stay away from each other as much as possible. Then I’ll be happy.
-Summer and Seth are over? Really? Yeah. I’m sure they are. For about four or five episodes. You’re crazy if you think they’re keeping those two apart. Hell, they probably have it written into their contracts they must not be broken up for more than 6-8 episodes. Of course, once Adam and Rachel begin to hate each other in real life, then all bets are off.
-I think we need more Taylor Townsend. Did anyone happen to catch her full lace panty and bra picture layout in “Stuff” magazine? Or was it “Maxim”? Or “FHM”? Whatever. I mix all of them up. Great pictorial. Although, I only got to look at it once. The pages got stuck together somehow. Damn…uhhhh….dog.
-We’re back with another exciting edition of “Dear Amy”. This was in todays “Calendar” section of the LA Times….
“I have been married for 20 years and love my husband and children.
I became emotionally involved with a man I work with. We shared intimate details of our lives, and I feel that he listened to me in a way my husband never could.
My husband discovered this relationship and we began marriage counseling. I vowed to him that I would sever this relationship but have found that to be impossible.
I am miserable about continuing to deceive my husband and disappointed in my lack of willpower.
Could this behavior be considered an addiction?
BEWILDERED
An addiction? Sure. You’re addicted to sex with your new man. Here’s my advice: Continue the relationship with the co-worker. Those always work out for the best in the end. The other partner never ends up spreading rumors about you once things finally end. And things never get awkward around the office after you walk by and people start giggling and looking at you. And very rarely does one of you, if not both of you, either get fired or get a new job because working conditions get so uncomfortable. So keep it going. You’re a great mother, a great wife, you deserve to give up the extra nookie on the side. No one thinks you’re an addict at all.
You know, it’s people like this that drive me crazy. Now, even though she didn’t use names, did she ever think for a moment her husband might pick up the paper and read that? Didn’t she just spill that she’s still sleeping with this co-worker while still in marriage counseling?
That’s some vow she made to her husband. What a loyal woman. Hey, where can I find one like her? My favorite line: “He listened to me in a way my husband never could”. Translation: Someone new started paying attention to me so I gave up the ass. Happens all the time, Bewildered. ALL the time.
-Email of the Week: This comes from Kasey F. in Connecticut…
“How can you call yourself Italian if you had no idea how big Italian dinners really were? I’m beginning to wonder about you, Reality Steve. Keep up the good work.”
Well, I am Italian, but I’m not ITALIAN Italian if you know what I mean. Confused? Ok, let’s just say I don’t drive a Camaro, I don’t shower in cologne, I don’t grease my hair back, and I don’t have a piece of jewelry around my neck and on every finger. So basically, I’m unlike any single guy I saw last week in New York. That was frightening.
- “Reality Steve Fact”: I eat a footlong tuna sandwich on wheat bread from Subway at least three times a week.
Back next week with a brand new column….
April 11th, 2006
The reason I haven’t written in a week and a half is because last week I was in New York on a family vacation. It was fun. Got to see people I haven’t seen in five years, but it also reminded me about the east coast lifestyle. Wow. I’m a west coast guy. It’s like I’m in another country when I go to the east coast to visit family. A few things about my trip:
-I forgot how real Italian family dinners are served. Last Saturday night was my Grandma’s 85th birthday. And I don’t think I’ve eaten that much in my whole life. Once I got there, the buffet was spread out. So when I see a buffet, I start pigging out. Unbeknownst to me, this was the first course in what seemed like about a 12 course meal. The party started at 7, and the main course didn’t come til 10. In between that time, I put myself in a food coma. When you’re salad is like the fourth thing that appears at your table, you know you’re in for a big meal. I wasn’t prepared.
-Riding the subway was fun. Especially asking the guy behind the counter questions about our ticket. What a nice gentleman he was. I’m sure he loves his job. He sure acts like it. All we wanted to do was go see Ground Zero and this jackass was acting like we were asking him to split the atom. Then again, if I was stuck in a little box all day, I probably wouldn’t be the nicest person either.
-When you live in New York City and you want to go on a date into the city, do you just take a cab, or train, or do you risk your life and drive yourself? I know I’m not used to it, but I know there’s no way I’d ever want to drive on the same street as those taxis. Why do they even paint lines on the street? These people clearly create their own lanes. And God forbid any of them even know what the brake is. Driving in a taxi in downtown is a whole experience in itself. And one that I wouldn’t suggest to anyone not from there. How there isn’t an accident every five minutes is beyond me.
-One highlight of the weekend was going to the Rangers hockey game on Tuesday night. Why? Not necessarily because I’m a big hockey fan, but because of who sang the national anthem. Becky O’Donahue, the hottie from this season of “American Idol” who’s a New York native, sang the anthem. We all remember her. Got booted for singing that Pat Benatar song, has a twin sister she did Maxim with three years ago, etc. But what really made it special was when halfway through, a true New Yorker yelled at the top of his lungs, “Show your tits!” For the last half of the anthem, the crowd was cheering like crazy for her. You had to be there.
-And that night, I wore my “24” shirt in honor of President Logan, and got two compliments on it. One woman in the gift shop told me I “must be trouble.” I am lady. Don’t mess with me. I’ve got CTU running through my blood. Don’t come near me or I might have to thrash you. Or not. Oh yeah, the Rangers won in a shootout.
-Sports are just a different animal on the east coast. Out here, people only cheer when something good happens, if they decide to cheer at all. Those New Yorkers were into that game from the time they first dropped the puck. These two Vinnie’s sitting in front of me were arguing all third period about which Ranger line should’ve been out there. Huh? What? Not even being a Ranger, or hockey fan for that matter, I got a kick out of it. And after the game, any fan wearing a Flyer jersey was continuously heckled by Ranger fans. Quite amusing.
-Flight home was interesting. A six hour flight was made into eight hours when we had to sit on the runway for an extra two. First they told us they were doing plane maintenance. Then after an hour, I kid you not, the pilot comes on and says, “The maintenance has been taken care of, but since our plane is already delayed, they’re letting the planes that are scheduled to leave on time take off, so we have to wait for them.” Are you kidding me? I’d rather you lie and tell me you’re still working on the plane. So basically we waited another hour because, well, we were already late, so let’s make them even later. Great logic.
-How my 21 month old niece lasted 8 hours on a plane is still a miracle to me, especially considering Olivia only slept for two of the eight hours we were on it. She had two crying/screaming fits in eight hours, which I consider pretty good. About halfway through, when the battery went out on her “Baby Einstein” DVD, it was not good times. She good a real good cry and scream in for about 5 minutes. Then for about ten minutes as we were starting our descent, her ears started hurting, and that was a good solid 10 minutes of “Ma MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!”, while holding her ears. But what can you do?
-Also on this trip, for the first time my niece started calling me by name. Sort of. She doesn’t say “Uncle Stephen” yet. But she does call me “Ti Ti.” We think she’s trying to say, “Steve Steve”, but we’re not sure. All I know is I’m now recognized as “Ti Ti”. I’ll take what I can get. And yes, Olivia still thinks her name is “Eeee-I-O” from Old McDonald. “Where’s Olivia?” She points to herself. “What’s your name?” It’s “Eeee-I-O.” I don’t get it either.
Ok, enough about my trip. I could go on, but it’s getting late and I definitely need to talk about some shows here. So of course, let’s begin with my favorite….
AMERICAN IDOL
-Forgot to tell you, two Wednesdays ago, I was admitted to the local hospital around 9:50 after suffering mild heart failure. Yeah, ironically enough, it coincided with Katharine falling into the final two with Lisa. I mean, I knew she wouldn’t lose to her, but I honestly can’t remember the last time I was so nervous for something so meaningless. Wow. But I’ve got the defibrillator now and everything’s cool. The doctor said I just need to hook it up if I see Katharine in the final three again. Or if she’s half naked on stage.
-I’m glad Simon finally said what I’ve thought about Bucky all along: I can’t understand a word he says when talks or sings. Yet of course, that same week, he avoids the final three. That’s two weeks in a row he’s avoided it. Please. At least Kevin’s gone now. But Bucky cannot possibly stay much longer can he?
-I have no idea how promiscuous Paris Bennett is, but if we’re gonna judge that by the songs she sings, I’m willing to say she’s been around the block. C’mon. Doesn’t anyone else get the least bit uncomfortable when this little sweet innocent 17 year old is gyrating around on stage singing, “Brotha’s gonna work it out”? I’m sure pedophiles across the land are salivating over her performances.
-I don’t get the Elliott craze. He definitely doesn’t have the look, but I think he’s just an average singer. The guy’s more of a rapper than a singer. Did you catch the hooded sweatshirt act a couple weeks ago when he sang, “I Don’t Wanna Be”? Please. Leave that song to Bo. I thought Elliott’s version was mediocre at best. Simon might want to take back that “You have the potential to be the best male vocalist we’ve ever had.” Uhhhh, no.
-Commerical. Sorry. But this one has to be addressed. Do you know what the slogan is for “Always”, you know, that women’s hygiene product? Ummmm, it’s “Have a happy period.” That’s just wrong. More importantly, it’s factually incorrect. There isn’t a woman in America who’s capable of having a happy period. It’s never been done. Ever. False advertising and “Always” should be sued. I’ve stated my case. Moving on…
-When did Kenny Rogers shave his big white beard? Why wasn’t I notified about this? I knew he had plastic surgery, but no more “Gambler/Islands in the Stream” hefty white beard anymore? Boooooooooo. That was like the worst part of Tuesday night’s show. That and everyone trying to sing country. Whoa that was bad. Only Katharine’s was acceptable cuz’ she tried to sex it up. Uh huh. Work it girl. Word. You aw-ite. Skeet skeet. Now I’m speaking in dialect suited for 16 year old white kids wanting to be black. I‘m truly sorry.
-So Rachel Bilson is really an “American Idol” fan enough to attend the Tuesday performances? Has nothing to do with her show also being on Fox, does it? Of course not. Well, as long as there into cross-promotion, can we possibly get a Keifer sighting tomorrow night? Maybe he’s a real big fan of Bucky’s? Or not. If Keifer Sutherland was ever spotted at an “American Idol” show, I think Audrey Raines just might have to shoot him.
-Paula’s name is in the news yet again. Apparently got shoved into a wall at a recent party and she’s filing a complaint with the police. Are we sure she was shoved and didn’t just stumble into a wall after she mixed her pills with red bull and vodka? Whatever the case, I’m sure it’ll all turn out for the best for Paula. Always does. Hey, “Idol” just gave her a 3 year contract extension one day after reports came out they were on the verge of firing her. What her appeal is besides being a MILF I have no idea. Even though she doesn’t have kids, she’s still a MILF. But only so many times can she tell every single singer how much of an inspiration they are.
-Saw where Ace went back to singing like a chick and breathing all his lyrics last week. I guess if he does that every week, he can avoid the bottom three. He is trying waaaaaay too hard and frankly, he’s not really that good of a singer. He won’t make the final four.
-I guess Kellie was in her element last week singing country. I didn’t particularly care for her performance though. I thought she was more in her element with her breasts hanging out of her red top. Whoever does the wardrobe for the show deserves a raise after last week. Yowza. Anytime Kellie wants to wear that top again, I’m all for it. In fact, that should be the top she wears every week from here on out. With nothing else. Except high black boots. Sorry.
-So this week we get performances of “Queen” songs. Well, let’s just hope Chris isn’t dumb enough to try and match Constantine’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” from last season. I’m sure he will though. He likes copying what other people do.
-You notice how this season, Seacrest Out doesn’t say “Seacrest Out” anymore? I’m sure that has nothing to do with his sexuality either. And Simon dropping the “Desperate Housewives” line on him last week was classic. Of course Seacrest Out got so flustered, all he could come back with was ripping the color of Simon’s shirt. Uhhh, Ryan, in case you haven’t noticed, Simon only wears four colors of tight fitting shirts: Light blue, cream, gray, and black. That’s it.
-They are definitely listening to the message boards and what not on the show. Two weeks ago, they made it a point that Chris acknowledged his performance of “Walk the Line” or whatever song that was was from the band “Live’s” album. Then last week, they straight up ask Kellie if her dumb blonde routine is genuine or if its an act. I guess us internet people do have influence. Hey Ryan, how about this week you ask Ace if he’s still boinking his co-star from that bad UPN show he was on?
SURVIVOR
-Thursday was the classic bait and switch by the “Survivor”editors. In efforts not to make us think the old La Mina tribe isn’t getting picked off one by one, they show us Terry trying to recruit Bruce and Danielle only to have us thinking the whole time that Danielle will go through with it. Made perfect sense for her to do it and, of course, she ended up not doing it. And why didn’t she go along with that plan?
-At the beginning of the season, I didn’t like Danielle. But the more tight boob shots of her we get, the more I like her. That’s not very shallow at all, is it? Didn’t think so.
-Has Terry become this season’s Tom? I say no only because, I don’t think there’s anyone left on the island that can even remotely compete with Terry. At least Tom had some competition I remember. But terry’s still been impressive nonetheless. I can’t imagine him losing any physical immunity challenge the rest of the way.
-Why do I not see a final four of Aras, Shane, Courtney, and Cirie? Other than the fact that Terry is pretty much guaranteed final four status because of the idol. I think it’s safe enough for Casaya to start picking off a few of their own if they want. But leave Danielle and her bikini for the time being.
-I thought the season could’ve really taken a major turn for the better on Thursday if Bruce and Danielle jump ship. And the immunity idol from Exile island really puts some interesting strategy into the game. Too bad we haven’t seen it happen yet. It’s turning out to be a dud.
-I love how Danielle and Austin formed such a tight bond on Exile island last week, that when she had a chance to not only advance herself in the game, but keep Austin around, that bond basically was worth nothing and she booted him off. Yet another bit of tricky editing by the producers.
REAL WORLD: KEY WEST
-The more I watch this show, the more I find myself asking the same questions every week: “Ok, which RW/RR veteran is gonna be the first to drill Svetlana when she goes on the next Gauntlet/Inferno/Battle of the Sexes?” Since the Miz is no longer an option and has begun his wrestling career, my money’s on Alton. Wes will try and will get denied quicker than you can say “No game”. Landon and MJ seem to be too into each other to go after her. Derrick is psychotic. Randy has no balls anymore. And Mark is like 50 and allegedly retiring from these competitions. Who does that leave? The superhuman Alton, that’s who.
-I can’t believe “Key West” just basically gave us back-to-back episodes of Svetlana pouting because she’s not the manager of their tanning store. That was literally the only storyline for the last hour of shows. Was the cast that boring they couldn’t come up with something better? How about Svetlana in another screaming match with her boyfriend? Or maybe Zach taking a trip to the barber to get that mop trimmed up a bit? Or maybe have Janelle….oh wait, they don’t like putting Janelle on camera apparently.
-So now this week I guess we find out that Paula was beaten by an ex-boyfriend. Not raped, but beaten. Great. So Svetlana was raped, Paula’s been beaten….can’t wait to hear what happened to Janelle in her past. Raped AND beaten? That’s my guess. I’m not making fun, I’m just saying I’d like for them to JUST ONCE, pick a normal female for this show. Is that asking too much? Straight A student, isn’t a slut but isn’t a prude either, doesn’t have relationship issues, maybe a valedictorian of her college, someone who’s really going places in life. Then again, if there was someone like that, what would they possibly be doing even auditioning for this show?
-This season will start to get real saucy once Svetlana dumps her boyfriend, doesn’t look worried 24 hours out of the day, stops crying, and just lets loose like we all know she wants to. I don’t think there’s been another female in the history of this show that the male audience has found more intriguing than Svetlana. And I can guarantee you every single one of them feels the same way I do. That chick needs to loosen up and quick.
APPRENTICE
-Is this show for real? I mean, I realize it’s on its last legs, but this is getting pathetic. It’s kind of hard to take this show seriously anymore when all they’re doing is casting nut jobs with barely any qualifications just to draw interest. I don’t care if Brent is an attorney or not, there’s no way you could convince he was cast for any other reason than he was a complete mess and people would laugh at him. We’re expected to believe these are the most 16 qualified people out of thousands who applied? Please.
-And why so much Bill Rancic this season? My God, did Trump adopt him or something? We get one shot of Kenra kissing Trump, and no sign of Kelly or Randall. Did these people already quit? And speaking of quitting, I thought I read a year ago that Bill was leaving Trump’s company to go out on his own again. Guess not. Trump must’ve given him a bigger cubicle or something.
-So our four winners have been two white males, a white female, and a black male. Things are looking up for Roxanne this season then. Especially after she won that last task. So I’ll go with her. Or that little English fella’. Sean I think his name is. Trump seems to like him.
-I can’t wait til Sean put the moves on the little blondie and gets in her pants. Trump will love that. He’s always been big on the contestants trying to get dirty with each other. And based off everything we’ve seen about Sean, he’ll stop at nothing to try and get laid while on the show.
-I said it last season, and I’ll say it again. They need to eliminate any tasks that asks these nitwits to come up with song lyrics. Period. End of story. Let’s just put an end to that altogether. Its frightening really. Lenny doesn’t know what a jingle is? I could’ve sworn Lenny once tried to swindle me into buying a car I had no interest in buying.
New column coming Wednesday……
April 9th, 2006
