Archive for April, 2007
-I found it interesting going into last night’s show that on my DVR, the show description for last night read, “Andy and four of the remaining bachelorettes visit an LA elementary school, where they get down and dirty for a good cause.” So ABC took the time to brainwash Time Warner Cable into printing that horrendous phrase? However, on Tivo, there was no mention of “down and dirty”. Hence the reason I like Tivo more. You suck, Time Warner. And the fact that I can’t pick up an HD signal through a satellite dish because the apartment next to me is blocking my view to the south, well, let’s just say I’m still pissed about that. Time Warner’s HD signal is pretty good, but I still think I’m getting ripped off. I like that Tivo’s system makes beeping and bopping noises when I press the buttons. And the fact that you can only record about 8 HD shows with Time Warner before your box is full really pisses me off too. Would you like to hear my thoughts on my channel lineup too? Didn’t think so. Enough cable company talk, onto last night’s show.
-What a great start to the show last night. Could there have been a better opening scene than watching Lt. Andy Baldwin doing dips with his shirt off on a boat? Yeah, that just sucked me right in. Especially when the next scene had him wearing his Top Gun sunglasses. They waited a whopping four seconds before they pulled out the cheese factor in this episode. “I’m a Lieutenant and I am an Ironman. Me Andy. Big and Strong.” I wonder if Andy is aware at all that frankly I don’t give a rats ass how many triathlons he’s been in. And neither should anyone else. The fact that he’s either flaunting it or has been told to flaunt it makes the guy less and less appealing. Moreso than anything the guy has already said or done so far, which is saying a lot. Now go do some chin-ups and put on your naval outfit since we haven’t seen you in that in at least the last 45 seconds.
-All the girls arrive on Andy’s boat for a day in the sun. Someone asks Andy what his pet peeve is. “I don’t like smoking. I’m pretty low maintenance.” Yeah, I can tell. With your .0000000001% body fat, your perfectly pressed Lieutenant suit, your Marty McFly DeLorean you roll around in, and your sparkling fake white chompers, you’re totally just the average Joe. Every guy can relate to you. Just laid back, easy goin’ Andy. I so see it. You and I could be boys Andy. We have so much in common. Like, you know, how I watch reality TV and write about it and how you are rescuing orphans from burning buildings. Or like, how I eat Subway three times a week, and your daily intake of protein consists of leaves, berries, and some juice concoction that you have specially made for you. I could totally see myself being BFF with Andy. We’d laugh, we’d cry, we’d hug it out - this is a friendship made in heaven. But I must warn you Andy, I go to bed late. And if “24” is on, you need to shutup. And oh yeah, I like women. So don’t be too offended by that.
-Tessa has a pet peeve. “I hate it when someone walks with socks on a rug.” Ummmm, ok. Yeah, that really bugs the crap out of me too. What horrible people they are. How can we rid America of them? I’m with ya’, Tessa. Amber doesn’t like people who clap at the end of movies. “Hello, they can’t hear you.” Good point, Amber. It’s at this point where I’m assured why I’m not a fan of either of these girls. Good Lord. Those are your pet peeves? Is it ok that I use wire hangers, or are you going to beat me silly with those like “Mommy Dearest”? You know what one of my pet peeves is? Annoying chicks on reality TV dating shows who have the most asinine pet peeves. So there. And oh yeah, during all this, Tina tells Andy he has something in his fake porcelain teeth and starts picking at it. This show has officially gone to hell in a hand basket.
-But not before Tessa brings it down even a step further by resorting back to her stand up routine. “Hey Andy, I got one. This is a real knee slapper. A blonde and a brunette jump from a building, who lands first?” Andy: “I don’t know Tessa, who? This better be f***ing good or I’m throwing you overboard.” Tessa: “The brunette. Because on the way down, the blonde asked for directions.” Look, I’m sorry. In no way am I out to defend blondes, I honestly have no bias or preference when it comes to someone’s hair color, but enough with blonde jokes. Seriously, someone has taken the time to write pages and pages of blonde jokes, and frankly, none of them are ever funny. How can they be when you pretty much know what’s coming at every punch line - the blonde is the dumb one. That’s funny? Every time? Since when? I’ve you’ve heard one blonde joke, you’ve heard them all. They’re all just a different variation of the same joke. Now with that said, most blondes are idiots.
-So all their pet peeves suck, Tessa couldn’t get someone to laugh at her jokes if you paid them, and now its Bevin’s turn to join in on the fun. She takes Andy away from Danielle and Missionary Stephanie because she wants to go kayaking. And she wants him to herself. In case you haven’t figured it out, there’s always that one girl every season who’s all insecure and freaked out by the fact that the man she’s in love with is dating other women. Well, this season its Bevin. By about 100 miles. Anyway, before they get in the kayaks, Bevin warns Andy, “I’m not afraid of drowning. You’ll just have to give me mouth to mouth.” Yeah, like you weren’t going to force that on him anyway. I think the way Bevin takes advantage of poor little innocent Andy can be considered rape in some states. And if there is one male out there who would ever accuse a woman of raping him, by golly it’d be Andy.
-Missionary Stephanie gets a solo date with Andy because, well, I think they felt they needed to give her some camera time. Certainly it wasn’t because they had any sort of chemistry together. Their date consisted of blending wines, to which Andy reaches into his “Bag of Analogies” and comes up with this doozy. “Blending the wines was fun. You can take that to the next level and relate it to romance and relationships. It was a blend of a little bit of Andy and a little bit of Stephanie.” Let me ask you something. And I’m being serious here. Is violent vomiting bad for you? I mean, to the point of where your insides feel like someone is shoving a butcher knife through your intestines? Because that’s about how I felt the second he finished that sentence. You make me puke like I’ve caught the ebola virus, Andy. Thank you very much. If that’s Andy’s way of trying to convince us he’s not a douche, but a sophisticated douche, then I’ve just about had it with him. No longer can he and I be BFF. I’m sorry. I can’t have that much estrogen in my life.
-Their creepy wine date continues as they taste their wine concoction they came up with. And it gets even creepier. Andy: “It tastes beautiful - like you.” Whoa there little whipper snapper. Calm down. As far as we’ve seen, they hadn’t kissed up to this point. And the thought of how else Andy knows how Stephanie tastes is beginning to make my skin crawl. I was shocked Stephanie’s virgin ears didn’t start bleeding at that point. I had to rewind that just to make sure that’s exactly what he said. And it was. I’m horrified. That might’ve been the dirtiest thing ever said on television before 9:00. And wouldn’t you know, Lt. Andy Baldwin was the one who uttered it. I’m expecting ABC to be given a hefty fine for that crude, disrespectful, and classless line. Go wash your mouth out with soap, young boy.
-So now these two need to make a label for their wine. They begin painting something that I couldn’t make sense of. All it did was give them a way to start painting each other and making designs of a third grader. They each had paint on their hands, and Andy tells Stephanie to put her hand over her heart, and he’ll do the same with his. Awwwwwww…how adorable. But wouldn’t it have made sense if she put her hand over his heart, and he put his hand on her breast to grope her? Of course it would’ve, hence the reason Andy didn’t do it. He doesn’t know what to do with boobs. They’re like a personality to him, or a sense of charm - completely foreign. This was one of the lamest solo dates ever. I half expected these two to end up in the sandbox filling up each others pails by the end of the night.
-Date box arrives at the house and the card says that Danielle, Bevin, Tina, and Amber will be “getting down and dirty for a good cause.” Hey, they stole that from Time Warner. Only they could come up with the most overused phrase this season. Bevin is a little upset because this means Tessa gets the final one on one date, and Bevin doesn’t know if she’s going to have time to tell Andy her big secret - she’s been divorced. Weeeeelllllllllll, that certainly makes things interesting. You know, because divorced women have such a great track record on this show. Nothing says “true love” more than a divorcee running onto a reality TV dating show looking to get married. Can’t wait to hear all the juicy details on this one. Good luck, Bevin. You’ll need it. You now have a better chance of winning Andy’s heart than Tina does. I think Travis Stork dumped that one chick in Paris maybe a half a second after dropped on him that she was once married. And for Mr. “Family Guy” Baldwin, I’m guessing that’ll never fly. Just a hunch.
-Back to Andy and Stephanie’s boring date at the jungle gym. Andy is kind of unsure where Stephanie stands right now. She’s not opening up much and he wants to find out more about her. This is a big decision for him to meet these girls parents, so he has to make sure Stephanie is someone worth investing time into. The opportunity is right here for her to go and run with it. And she pretty much trips and falls on her face coming out of the starting blocks. Andy: “So what are your career dreams?” Stephanie: “I have a lot.” Andy: “Well, what are they?” Stephanie: “(Dead silence) Ummmm….errr….psssshhhh….I don’t know. That’s hard.” Andy: “Any hopes?” Stephanie: “Yeah, tons of hopes. And dreams. And aspirations.” Andy: “And what are those?” Stephanie: “(Dead silence) Ummmmm….errr…uhhhhh….wow…ummmm….that’s a toughie…” Thank you for coming, Stephanie. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you. Really, it has. Even though we don’t know a damn thing about you and neither does Andy.
-Back at the house, Bevin is feeling insecure again. Shocker. She pulls Amber aside and tells her that she finds it hard for her to believe that the man she wants to be with, also has an interest in someone who’s 23, both Amber and Stephanie’s age. Well honey, you can forget about Stephanie. She just crapped the bed on her date. As for Amber, well, Amber will tell you she’s the most mature 23 year old woman on the planet. She’s been through a lot. She’s had to cook for her brothers and sisters since she was 18. Do you realize how difficult that is and how mature that makes you? Neither do I. Bevin is the oldest girl left at 28, so she just cant seem to fathom how Andy could possibly take an interest in someone as young and immature as her. Because maturity, as we all know, is getting married in your teens. That’s always a recipe for marital bliss. I’m no Dr. Laura, but I’m guessing 99% of all teen marriages end in divorce. Call me crazy.
-The group date is at a middle school in Hollywood and the Andy and the girls are going to build a playground for all the kiddies to play on. This is where we see Andy’s softer side, you know, because up to this point, we’ve seen nothing but him being very manly, and doing manly things, and saying manly phrases, and…..ok, I’ll stop. This is just a time for Andy to show all the ladies that he can be as big a girl as they are. Hey, nothing wrong with helping out kids, and being Mr. Humanitarian of the Century, I just thought it felt a little forced. Ok, a lot forced. I mean, what did we expect? To see Andy hating on the kids and throwing things at them? Maybe shout down a couple of them for drinking their apple juice instead of some protein shake? This was the “Awwwww-look-at-him-with-the-kids-I-want-to-marry-him-too” moment of the show. But I looked at it as a perfect time for me to go make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yummy. I’m sorry, but there isn’t anything that can put a smile on my face quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Except sex. And if you mix them both together, even better. Don’t ask.
-Amber: “I love how Andy gives back to the community. I’d love to show him my class to show him how I give back too.” First off, Andy is being told what to do on these dates. I’m sure he has no real interest in spending a whole day doing manual labor when he can be trying to get in your pants. Lets make that clear. And secondly Amber, well, let’s just say you might be thrilled to be showing Andy to your class, but the parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders sure aren’t. The exploitation of their children on your behalf Amber is appalling. Although, these kids who got to play in the finished playground, I didn’t hear a peep from their families. So why do all the parents in Sugar Land have sticks up their asses? Don’t know. Guess we’ll find out next week when Ambers parents pull a no-show and she takes Andy to her class. Yay, Sugar Land. Be proud.
-Andy: “I’m always such a kid at heart.” Yeah, yeah, we know. And you’re a Lieutenant. And an Ironman. And a naval seamen. You are truly God’s gift, Andy. You really are. And you have a way with words. Andy (to Danielle): “So how many kids do you want?” Very subtle, Andy. Danielle said two because she thinks all kids should have a sibling. Well, to all you only children out there, feel free to start hating on Danielle. She thinks your parents screwed you by not popping out a brother or sister for you. Hey, she said it, not me. Send all complaints and letters over to ABC. Way to alienate those without a sibling, Danielle. I expect the OCAA (Only Child of America Association) to be protesting outside you and Andy’s wedding.
-Tina: “I’m not just here for the ride. I’m here to see if I’m the one for Andy Baldwin.” Don’t worry. You two have the sexual connection of a toaster and a refrigerator magnet. Yes, I had to actually leave my room for that one. So no worries Tina. You and Andy are not meant to be. Your fortune today reads: “One who is not as pretty as Amber, Bevin, Danielle, or Tessa must suffer the consequences. The tribe has spoken. Tina, its time to go home.”
-Andy: “I didn’t know how Bevin was going to be with the kids…I was surprised.” That was a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one. Gee, what gave you that impression Andy? Just because Bevin wants all of her time spent with you and doesn’t want to include anyone else? Was that it? I wish MTV had programming back 10 years ago that they do now. Would’ve been fun watching Bevin on “Engaged and Underage”. Great show, isn’t it? I think that show should be a part of every high school sex education curriculum. You wanna slow down the divorce rate in this country, just pop one of those episodes in to show our teenagers of today. Sure, they’ll continue sleeping around and getting freaky after class, but at least they won’t think of marrying each other. I think I liked the one episode where the girl was complaining that her fiancé was immature, had no money, liked playing video games, and didn’t pay a lot of attention to her. Oh wait, that’s every episode.
-And if I may continue on my little soapbox here for a moment, there is no way you can convince me that anyone in their teens thinks they have a clue about marriage and it’s the right thing to do. Sure, you’ve heard stories of your friends parents that got married right out of high school and are still married today. Yeah, exactly. Those are your friends parents, meaning it happened 20 or 30 years ago. That’s when sex was only done in the missionary position and internet porn wasn’t around. You check back with me 20 or 30 years from today, and tell me if any kids getting married out of high school in todays day and age are still together. I’m guessing no. I graduated high school in 1993 and the thought of marriage was so far out of my mind, you couldn’t have paid me to marry someone. Then again, I had no one to marry so I guess it’s a moot point. Teens. Gotta love em’. Yeah, prom was so much fun, let’s get married this summer and start a family. Huh?
-So it’s time for Tessa’s solo date and Andy brings over the goods. No, not sex toys, but jewelry. Now, why he had to bring over $2 million in jewelry and put it on Tessa right in front of the other girls didn’t make much sense to me, but hey, it’s ABC’s show, they can do what they want. But it was really cruel of them to rub it in on the other girls. Ahhhhh, who am I kidding? I loved it. Serves them right that Andy didn’t choose them. Nothing like rubbing their noses in it a little bit. They all took it about as well as they could. Tina is clueless as to what jewelry even is. Stephanie is still trying to figure out if she has any hopes or dreams. Danielle is busy fending off OCAA, Amber has the city of Sugar Land, Texas trying to light her place on fire, and Bevin….well, Bevin’s a mess. Seeing her boyfriend put $2 mil in ice on another woman pretty much just made her blood pressure rise to a level that’s not healthy. I was waiting for her to jump over the table and tackle Tessa, starting a massive chick fight with hair flying everywhere, clothes being ripped off, pillows being swung around, scratching, biting, clawing….ummmm, ok maybe not.
-So not only does Tessa get $2 mil in diamonds, but Andy takes her to the Nicole Miller store to try on dresses, all the while “Up Where We Belong” plays in the background. You know, they play that song at least once an episode very faintly, and frankly, that song sucks. I hate it. Get rid of it. The movie sucks, the song sucks, there’s zero correlation between that movie and this show. Just get rid of it. All of it. Stop pretending this show is some re-creation of a bad early 80’s love story with a pre-gerbil loving Richard Gere and milfy Debra Winger. That song is now engrained in my head and will be for the rest of the day. And don’t think it won’t be in yours either, “Love lift us up where we belong….Where the eagles cry….On a mountain high….” Are those not the perfect lyrics to some cheesy 80’s love song or what? And you’re welcome for that song not leaving your head the rest of the day. Hey, if I’m gonna suffer, you’re going to along with me.
-Tessa knows she’s not the easiest person to get to know and she realizes she has to start opening up to Andy. “It takes me longer to get comfortable…trust someone….I like you….lets take baby steps….maybe by our third or fourth date I’ll you feel under my shirt.” Although he should be put off by everything she just said, Andy is giddy. “My heart is full when I’m with you, like, where did you come from?” Uhhhhh, what? She’s that amazing that you’re contemplating that maybe she was delivered to us from another planet? Are you serious? Whoa. I don’t know what to say to that, Andy. I really don’t. Other than you’re completely crazy and your porcelain veneers are making Elliot Yamin jealous.
-Time for the girls to make one last impression. Andy is very torn about which 4 girls to give roses too. Especially since he’s made out with only 4 of them. Mustve been a real struggle for him to figure out who he was letting go tonight. So each girl presents their case one last time to try and win Andy over and get that ever so special hometown date. You know, the one where we get to see the crazies that spawned these beautiful women. Always one of my favorite episodes of the season. I’d do anything to see them roll Bevin’s ex-husband in for the episode. But because we’d all get too much enjoyment out of it and it’d make for great television is the reason they won’t do it. Damn them.
-Andy is concerned about Amber being immature. I mean, she is 23 and all. But does he know she can cook for her siblings? Ah hah! See, bet you didn’t know that did you, Andrew? So Amber hands Andy what looks to be like a condom wrapper that has a message on it. She claims it was from a piece of chocolate she had earlier, but it was square and had the outline of a circle in it. Surely looked like it came from a Magnum Ultra Lubricated 3 pack in the black box with “For the Ultra Smooth Experience“ label to me. Uhhhhhh….anyway……the message read “Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.” That was her way of telling Andy that she wants a rose. And that she smiles when she’s with him. And that he better wear protection with her. Or something like that.
-It’s now Bevin’s turn and Andy likes her dress. Probably because it’s white and see through, but he likes it nonetheless. They did not a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing. Bevin seems to have this idea that the more she kisses him, and the more she touches him in his private areas, the less inclined he’ll be to boot her off the show once she drops the divorce bomb on him next week. We’ll see how it all plays out, but I’m guessing not well. But Bevin should have no problem finding other divorcees to date. I’m sure there’s a website out there for those kind. Or a chat line. Or some social group. Divorcees are the best. I could listen to their stories all day long.
-Andy wants to reiterate to us again the amazing conversations he has with Tina. He now just wants to see if she has just one ounce of sexuality in her. Ummmm, that would be a “no”. Andy: “So tell me, if by some miracle of God I give you a rose and I get to meet your family, what can I expect?” Tina: “I’d be really excited for you to meet my mom and my brother. My mom means everything to me. My mom is me amplified.” And that’s a good thing? How do you amplify something that’s a mute? Isn’t that the equivalent of multiplying anything by zero and it still being zero?
-Tessa has on a pearl necklace tonight. Just thought I’d point that out. And they kissed a couple times. Andy likes the whole “let-me-scrunch-my-face-up-against-yours-when-we’re-kissing” thing. Very sexy. I’m sure she loves it too. Usually when kissing Andy, one tilts their head one way, and the other tilts theirs the opposite way. Or in my case about 10 years ago, the chick insisted on tilting her head the same way I did mine. That made for some really fun times. I sh**canned her immediately. Sorry. If you can’t get the head tilting thing down, you’re retarded.
-Andy says that he thinks Danielle is the “most invested out of all these women”. Wow. Good thing Bevin didn’t hear that. She might just go off and kill herself. After all the scheming that Bevin’s done, and after all the times shes personally stolen Andy away from the other women to get alone time to herself, for Andy to say he thinks Danielle is the most invested girl left, well, let’s just say Bevins chances are getting smaller by the second. And she hasn’t dropped the D bomb on him yet. Yikes. Watch out. Andy might wet himself after hearing that. And by the way, Danielle is in my top 3 bachelorettes of all time. Jen Schefft used to be in the top 3 until they actually made her the Bachelorette and she embarrassed herself. So I’ve had to redo it a couple of times, but I now have a new top 3. Wouldn’t you like to know? I bet you would. Maybe some other time.
-Stephanie’s had days to figure out if she has any hopes and dreams in her life and……nothing. She pretty much knows she’s screwed. But Andy being the gentleman he is, has to patronize her with, “So, if ABC holds a gun to my head and tells me I have to give you a hometown date, what can I expect to see in Kansas?” Stephanie: “Oh, my family is the best. Im pretty much the butt of all jokes. My family is the one who’ll break out the kid videos of me to show you.” No sh**? Maybe Stephanie and I are more alike than I think. My mom wouldn’t hesitate for a second to show my 2nd and 3rd birthday party videos to my girlfriends. That’s always a blast. Especially since those were filmed in 1977 and 1978 and there’s no sound to them. And don’t even get me started on the “Mr. Griffin” video.
-Host Chris tries to pretend we have a major scandal on our hands when he told us going to commercial ten minutes ago that some of the ladies “break the rules”. Well, the rule breaking consisted of Amber and Bevin going into the deliberation room and looking at the “Pick me!” photos. Wow. What scandal. Kick them off the show! Breach of contract! Lord knows they can’t have anyone walk into a room where nothing has happened for the last five seasons or so. I’m glad they got me all riled up for nothing. I was expecting Host Chris and the FBI to come barging in and taking Bevin and Amber away for interrogation by Jack Bauer. But no. Nothing happened. They look at their ABC head shots, got embarrassed then left by saying, “Let’s get out of here before someone sees us” - even though a camera guy is standing right there filming them. Geniuses.
-Andy: “I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Ironman. I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I’ve never been through anything like this. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Booting Stephanie and Tina is the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Really? Even though your physical and sexual chemistry with them rivals that of a pencil cup holder and a ipod clip? Yep, those two were on my desk. I didn’t feel like getting up again. I really feel sorry for Andy if letting these two go was the hardest things he’s ever done in his life. No, really. I feel sorry for him.
-Host Chris at his best: “There are four roses left, which means four of you will be taking Andy home to meet your family. That also means two of you will be going home.” Honestly, he just said that. I don’t know how much they’re paying this guy, but whatever it is, it’s not enough. Double it. He deserves every penny. You are my hero, Host Chris. I think you and I could be BFF as well. Just don’t tell Andy. He might try and squash me with his massive upper pectoral region.
-Rose Ceremony time. Andy has a few words before we begin: “You all mentioned tonight how nervous I seemed….that’s the truth…incredible leap of faith…amazing time with all you….difficult decision…..I just don’t think I could’ve been possibly less physically attracted to Tina, and Stephanie, you seem to have no direction in life and you’re 23. Amber is 23, but she’s a mature 23 because she cooks dinners or something like that…..uhhhhh….good luck to you all.”
Bevin: “We’re goin’ to Seattle baby!” Woo hoo! Can’t wait. And when Andy finds out you’ve already had a honeymoon sex fest before him, he might start crying. Again.
Amber: I wonder if she teaches her 4th graders how to Tootie-tot. Ummm, that’s one of the others in the top 3.
Tessa: Damn. And I thought in back-to-back seasons, the girl who got to wear the $2 mil in jewelry would get the boot. Oh well.
Host Chris: “Danielle, for Christ sakes, come get your rose. This is ridiculous. Like the other two had a chance.”
Danielle: So do I have her ranked #1, #2, or #3 on my list? Hmmmm….
-Tina: “I met a great guy in Andy, but I really regret that I shut down.” I don’t think it would’ve mattered, hun. But you can keep trying to convince yourself it did. Stephanie: “It’s hard to realize that I let it slip through my fingers. I feel like I could’ve done more.” Yeah, like answered his questions that he asked you. I know that’s tough. But you’re a young 23, you have your whole life ahead of you, and I’m sure there’s a guy out there for you that only loves the missionary position. And look on the bright side, your mom won’t get to embarrass you on national television by showing you in the tub with your rubber ducky.
-Next week are our hometown dates and by quick glance, Danielle has the protective parents, Bevin drops her D bomb on Andy, Tessa’s family is the one who questions the ridiculousness of this show, and Amber can’t get any family members to show up. Whoa. That’s gotta suck. Can’t say that’s ever happened before. Even Host Chris chimed in with a “Hometown date unlike any one you’ve ever seen”. So now not only does Amber’s family not like her, but she’s got all of Sugar Land, Texas up in arms as well. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Amber cries next week. A lot. Just a hunch.
-Ok, so the latest batch of Dr. Reality Steve letters go up this week. I wanted to wait to get a couple more in before I posted them, and thanks to those who sent some in. There’s a good Andy story in one of them. It’s not too late for me to add more, so if you need any help with your sex life, your husband, your wife, any “boyfriend cheated on me but I still want him” b.s., send all your stuff to steve@realitysteve.com and I will do my damndest to help you out. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
April 30th, 2007
-Let’s get a couple “Bachelor” related things out of the way first. From this point forward, I will refrain from referring to Stephanie as “slutty” or a “whore”. Frankly, I just don’t think I can accurately call her that when Jenn over on the “Real World” is beating her to the punch on a weekly basis. I mean, lets face it, Stephanie technically hasn’t done anything except dress like a hooker. We’ve actually SEEN Jenn sleep with guys this season…..4 of them! So my job as a journalistic is to present the facts, and the facts are that “Real World: Denver” Jenn has spread her legs for just about any male who’s walked within 10 feet of her, and Stephanie has just dressed trampy. Advantage: Jenn. Is Jenn breaking television records right now? Letting four different guys toss you around like a rag doll during one season of a reality show is quite possibly the single sluttiest achievement we’ve seen this decade. So congrats go out to Jenn. I guess. And now that she’s on Inferno 3, that gives her 10 more guys to line up outside her door.
-Due a story that broke on Thursday regarding Amber, it’s pretty much been confirmed who our final four is going to be. If you haven’t seen it or don’t want to be spoiled, well, then stop reading. But it’s not like it was hard to figure out. I was only off by one. Anyway, Amber is taking some heat from parents in her hometown of Sugar Land, Tx, because she lied to the school where she teaches about why she needed time off, and it was during a time where her 4th grade class was studying for some big test. And then when the cameras came back to her school, some parents thought that was exploitation of the kids. Look mommies, if you’re kid is even watching this show, that’s your fault, not theirs. Hey, Sarah from Travis’ season not only allowed the cameras to come back to her class, but she played Tootie-tot in the park with them and eventually was chosen by Travis. I didn’t hear any parents bitching then. Get over it. Amber wanted to chase her dream of being on a reality show, let her. And feel free to not allow your 4th grader to watch soft porn in the first place. Get a life, parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders. Let’s begin….
-Not that we couldn’t already see from the previews before the show started, or the previews at the end of last week, or even the previews at the end of the very first episode, but, Host Chris informs the girls they will be going to Lake Tahoe, where there will be two group dates, and one individual date. It’s at this point where any preconceived notion we’ve ever had about Stephanie the Eyebrow Queen are proven to be true. Let’s just call her Tweezers from now on since someone went a little crazy above her eyes with them. I thought only the Joker from “Batman” had eyebrows like that. Guess I was wrong. Anyway, Tweezers lets us really in on a side to her we’ve yet to see - her intellect. Tweezers: “Where’s Lake Tahoe? That’s in Oregon, right?” Yes honey. It’s in Oregon. Along with Mount Rushmore. And the Grand Canyon. And while you’re there, you might wanna check out the Statue of Liberty right off the coast. The French gave it to Oregon as a gift because of their tight friendship. By golly you’re stupid. But don’t go looking for Mount Hood or Lake Oswego. Those aren’t there. They’re in New Mexico.
-Oh wow. Never thought I’d hear this coming from Tina on this show. Tina: “I feel awkward to be going on group dates.” WE KNOW!!!! You don’t want to share your future husband with anyone, you don’t think youre the prettiest girl there, and your last fortune cookie said, “One who goes on group date and don’t put out gets sent their ass home.” Next thing Tina will tell us is that she’s here for all the right reasons, she’s not a competitive person, and she really wants to get to know Andy as a person. Which, of course, is always the case when two people have about as much sexual chemistry as a fork and a water bottle. Sorry. I just typed the first two things that I saw sitting on my desk. I could’ve gone with condom wrapper and handcuffs, but then I’d be lying. I think.
-The first group date in Lake Tahoe, Oregon goes to Nicole, Danielle, Bevin, and Missionary Stephanie. They will be going to the casino to gamble and baby sit Bevin. See, Bevin is an emotional roller coaster right now because she doesn’t get to play in all the reindeer games with all the other girls. Remember? She tweaked her ankle last week running through tires, so, she’s still on crutches. And making sure the other eight women are aware that she’s on crutches. And can’t do a damn thing for herself, including put her own dress on. Or make up. Or push up bra. Bevin is taking 1 ½ years to get ready for the group date, and Andy’s getting antsy because he knows that guys never take this long. He’s reconsidering this whole female thing as we speak. And Bevin is still crying in the bathroom over being a complete zero when it comes to fending for herself. Last time I checked, her ankle was sprained, right?
-So what do the girls do to speed along the process? They do everything for Bevin while she locks herself in the bathroom and continues to cry, all the while rubbing her hands together continuing to say, “Eeeeeexcellent. My plan is working to perfection.” She’s a tricky one that Bevin. Nothing like having all the other girls you’re competing against ironing your dress, getting your shoes, and padding your bra. She must be playing some mind tricks on them to make them do that. Women hate women. Every single one of them should’ve been laughing at the fact her ankle was sprained and never should’ve waited on her hand and foot. She got Andy to do it last episode, and now she’s got the women doing it. Something’s wrong here. How is she able to do that? I wonder if she started her own cult, all the women would join that too? Maybe it’ll be revealed later the power that Bevin holds over these women. Frankly, I’m scared of what could come of this. Let’s pray for the best.
-So as the four of them are sitting around mingling with Andy, Bevin’s mind tricks are at it again. Andy asks what their most romantic city is. Nicole says “Cabo”. Bevin? “Ummm…I don’t know.” This calls for Andy to the rescue. “Uhhh, Bevin. May I see you alone for a second?” “Oh well…ummm…err…I don’t know…would it be ok….uhhh….sure!” The other three girls must feel like Wile E. Coyote right about now. “Drats! Foiled again!” I was just waiting for some ACME brick to fall on top of their heads. Bevin is so far ahead of the game right now, they’re not even in the same stratosphere. Is this “Survivor” or the “Bachelor”? I think Bevin should get a million dollars for outwitting, outlasting, and outplaying everyone else. I want to see her up against Boston Rob, Fireman Tom, and Rupert in the finals. Then let’s see who’s king. Ok, I’m getting way off base here. Where was I?
-Oh yeah. Bevin. Sucking Andy away from the girls by acting aloof. Works every time. She says she feels insecure because she can’t do what all the other girls are doing right now. You know, like, well, nothing. Her ankle is preventing her from doing the things that will let Andy get to know her better. So now shes officially moved onto the reverse psychology. And Andy the rocket scientist is buying it hook, line, and sinker. Andy: “If I were to get hurt, people would come to my aid too.” Huh? Who? What? Where are you coming from Andy? What does that have to do with anything? And remember, you don’t get hurt. You’re Superman. You can leap tall building in single bounds. You can stop bullets with your bare hands. And you’re faster than a locomotive….ha ha. Yeah, no doubt. You’re definitely faster than a locomotive. There’s a name for what they call guys like you. It rhymes with “Flu Stump Plump”.
-Andy is completely giddy right now over holding a woman in his arms. “Do you feel when I touch you there’s electricity? The more I touch you, the more electric I feel.” Translation: Please touch my wiener. Look, I give Andy credit. He’s doing his damndest to show a woman that she makes his pants tight, but its sounds really creepy when he’s talking about electricity, and touching her, and her touching him, and……these two are like a pair of teenagers. I’m just waiting for someone’s parents to show up, honk the horn, and come pick them up. For the first time in this show’s history I think, the word “connection” was replaced with “electricity”. And I really didn’t like it. Can we go back to “connection”? Oh we can? It’s about to be uttered a 1,000 more times this episode? Ok, thanks.
-So after Andy and Bevin are done slobbering on each other, he actually spends some time with the other three girls. They go down stairs to the casino to play a little craps. Of course, all on ABC’s credit mind you. Each girl had rows and rows of chips. And I’m guessing that Bevin, she of the “Clinic Research Coordinator” occupation, isn’t about to be playing the black chips at a casino anytime soon. Call me crazy. It’s Bevin’s turn to roll craps and it brought us to possibly the cheesiest/worst/puke inducing line I think I’ve ever heard of on this show. Bevin calls for a “hard eight”. For those unfamiliar with rolling dice, that means she wants to roll an eight by way of two 4’s. Andy’s response? “Hard eight or Heartache?” I just punched myself in the face that was so stupid. You’re a complete buffoon, Andy. Never say that again.
-Andy pulls Missionary Stephanie away for some alone time. Stephanie feels just slightly weirded out by the whole situation because, surprise surprise, she likes to plan things. And she always knows whats going to happen. And with this show, the level of uncertainty and what people are saying and thinking is really starting to drain her emotionally and physically. I don’t think Andy understands how crucial and effective the rhythm method is. I mean, if he’s spending all his time with Bevin, and Stephanie’s insides start to get all warm, then how is he going to know its that time to be with her? Stephanie is a planner? No way! I never would’ve guessed that. She’s a real cutie and 100 times better than what Tweezers Stephanie has to offer. I think she just needs to loosen up and just go with the flow at times. She’s a little too tense. Someone get her a drink. And a birth control pill.
-For Andy to make it through this night, he really seemed to want to hit the alcohol. He was pretty sauced when he was talking to Stephanie. He practically pulled a Byron on her when he made a toast to her by saying, “You’re amazing….I hope I get to meet your family.” Ummmm Andy. In case no one’s told you yet, that’s your decision, not hers. I’m sure Stephanie would love for you to meet her parents. But that’s not up to her. That’s in your boat, big boy. Lay off the scotch and maybe you’d have a clue as to what the hell was going on this show. Geez. That’s some great false sense of hope you just gave her. Awwwww look. Now you made her cry. You suck, Andy. Back to your room. You’re done for the night. No protein shake before bedtime either.
-Danielle comes in and steals Andy away from Missionary Stephanie, who was just moments away from reaching first base. So close, yet so far. Andy’s an idiot for not pouncing all over that. What does he care? He’s gambling with company money in beautiful Lake Tahoe, Oregon with four women on his arm and he’s three sheets to the wind. Like he cares. He starts cozying up to Danielle maybe four seconds after Stephanie leaves, and immediately starts in with the compliments. “Such a strong women…connection….come here…I wanna suck on your mouth.” Well, he tried at least. They kissed, but, well, it wasn’t really that good. No tongue action, and their faces were squished together. Andy is really struggling tonight. Someone help him. He’s like a lost puppy trying to find its way back to its owner. Except the puppy is sloshed and is in heat.
-Time for Andy to make that big decision of who will receive the designated, exceptional, extraordinary, individual, personal, specialized, and unique quality time with him. (Gasp!) And wouldn’t you know, it’s Bevin! I never saw that one coming. How’d she pull that off? I mean, she only got 3 hours with him earlier. Was that not enough? So the cheese factor continues as he picks Bevin up and carries her down the hall to the bedroom, a la Richard Gere/Debra Winger in “An Officer and a Gentleman”. They need to cut this out. Richard Gere hasn’t made a good movie in about 10 years, and Debra Wingers last major role was in “Forget Paris” back in 95’. I know that because I just looked it up on her IMDB page. Wait, Debra Winger played Wonder Woman’s little sister “Wondergirl”? Really? Did she nude up in that too? Nevermind.
-Andy lets us and Bevin in on a little secret during their special secret alone time. He likes pickles. No, actually he tells Bevin that he’s a nerd. Bevin responds by saying she’s a nerd too. Oh boy. This is going places. Andy says he entered all the Science Fair’s in high school. And he dreams of becoming an astronaut. AH HA! Finally our proof! We’ve waited all season for it to happen, and now, the speculation is over. He wants to be an astronaut, huh? If I remember correctly, wasn’t a certain former N’Sync member planning on becoming an astronaut? And didn’t that same “happy” guy appear on the cover of “People” magazine just about a year ago with jazz hands and the headline, “I’m Gay”? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s just close the book on Andy and wish he and Lance a very happy future together as life partners. Reichen won’t be happy.
-So as the façade continues, Bevin straddles him, they begin kissing, and Bevin asked if he needed a checkup. I swear to God, if either of these two utters one more corny ass line like that, I’m coming through the television and strangling Host Chris. No reason imparticular I’m taking it out on him. Just felt like it’d be necessary. Andy begins to play with Bevin’s dress a bit, slightly tugging it upwards where it’s revealed Bevin is apparently wearing white biker shorts underneath. Or a girdle. They still make girdles? Women under the age of 75 wear those? Geesh. Where have I been? Andy then delivers the line of the night: “Knowing there’s a woman in this mix like Bevin, makes me feel like there’s gonna be a happy ending to this story.” And you won’t even have to go to the massage parlor to get it either. Although considering she can’t run through a tire without cracking her ankle in half, I’d be a little leery of Bevin going the route of a happy ending. Her wrist might fall off.
-Next group date is in the mountains of beautiful Lake Tahoe, Oregon with Kate, Tweezers, Tina, and Tessa. And boy is Andy ready for this one. So much so that he’s rockin’ the turtleneck for this date. Good lord. Hey Andy, 1993 called. It wants its look back. Anyway, its also Tweezers birthday that day and she feels her and Andy are a “team” now. So, “team” as in “I’d love to double team him with some random stranger I could find off the street”? Or “team” as in, “I wonder what ‘team’ Andy plays for?” Whatever the case, Tweezers is fired up. She’s got Andy on the slopes, today’s her birthday, her fake rack is on point, and she’s sharing a date with no one who even remotely likes her. What could possibly go wrong?
-Tweezers immediately pulls Andy aside and informs us she “will not hesitate to throw any of the girls under the bus if she has to”. Shocking to hear that coming from the Tweeze lady. Just shocking. So without even being asked, she immediately starts in with her thoughts on the other women. Some of them are “young, immature, attention seeking, can’t be on their own”, basically she was telling Andy to never speak with someone like Amber. When in reality what she was doing was digging her own grave. She doesn’t like Amber, she let Andy know that, and he didn’t seem to care. Strike one against Tweezers.
-Remember how I said a paragraph ago “What could possibly go wrong” for Tweezers? Well, Kate could go wrong. Kate actually went the route of her predecessor but took it a step further. She didn’t just try to make one woman look bad - she went after all of them. Kate: “Well, ummm, Amber said you tried to kiss her and she had to back away, and ummmm, yeah, and then, ummmm, people were saying that last night was all about Andy and Bevin’s alone time, and, um, yeah, so, yeah, and like Stephanie from South Carolina, she’s molded herself into what you want her to be, and yeah, so, I don’t think you should go to her hometown. And oh yeah, this one time, at band camp…..” Thank you, Kate the Informant. Think Kate is much of a gossip queen? Yeah, me neither. Hey, at least she livened up the show a little bit. I’m surprised she wasn’t wearing a wireless microphone and a transmitter. She should work for the CIA with the way she withholds information. Someone sign her up. Great job, Kate. You can lead my sting operation any day.
-After getting the lowdown from Tweezers on Amber being a bitch, and after Kate the Deep Throat lets him know what everyone ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the previous day, Andy gets some time with Tessa. From day one, I’ve never been the biggest Tessa fan. Probably a nice girl, means well, isn’t a bitch, yada, yada, yada, but I’m just bored with her. She does nothing for me. She is a little worry wart too. I guess they all can get like that at some point, but that’s the character ABC has decided to portray her as. The worry wart. Then again, so is Bevin. Except she’s a crying worry wart with an ankle injury that’ll apparently never heal this century. He pulled Tessa aside, and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what they talked about and I don’t care. Something about a connection I’m sure.
-So after all that, Andy chooses Tina to get the designated, exceptional, extraordinary, individual, personal, specialized, and unique quality time with him (I just cut and pasted from the few paragraphs above this one. Saved me time). Tina is pretty much being, well, Tina during her alone time. “I’m really not that competitive. I’m here to see if we had a connection.” Barf. Andy: “I want Tina to know that I like her and that she’s a contender.” Double barf. Really? You like her AND she has a chance in this thing? Ummmmmm, I call B.S. on that one, Andy. We’ll see who’s right in the end. I hate to say it, but, well, it’ll be me. Tina continues with her line of questioning. “Are you high maintenance?” Although Andy was really impressed with her line of questioning, and even threw out a “The time I spent with Tina was just what the doctor ordered” line, it became apparently obvious during their individual time, that these two’s sexual chemistry rivaled that of my stapler and a fork. Two more things sitting on my desk. Tina, just know that Andy is going be the best gay friend you’ve ever had. He’ll go shopping with you, you guys can go to the movies, and even get pedicures together. Oh, the times you’ll have.
-It’s time for Amber’s individual date that she’s been thinking about for every second since she found out. She’s really having a hard time figuring out what she’s going to wear. Really? Women are indecisive when it comes to outfits? Could’ve fooled me. I always thought it was the first thing they tried on, they liked and that was that. Wow. Guess I’ve been wrong about women this whole time. Silly me. Can I say something along those lines that’s a giant pet peeve of mine? Ladies, please don’t ever ask us how you look in something. We’re in a no-win situation and it only leads to an argument. If we say you look good, we’re immediately told, “No I don’t. I look fat.” Great. Then why the hell did you just ask me for my opinion. Of course, telling you “I don’t really like that outfit” might as well be us just telling you to check into Weight Watchers or something. Yeah, like that answer is even an option if we want to get laid that night. Just get dressed in a reasonable amount of time, don’t ask for our opinion, and both of us will be happy campers in the long run. Got it?
-So after all the back and forth about what she was going to wear, Amber goes with the standard turtleneck and jeans. Hey, this is right up Andy’s alley. They can take their Christmas pictures both in turtlenecks. How cute would that be? Ok, not at all, but I was just trying to lighten the mood. They’re date isn’t even much of a date. It’s them sitting on the ground in a cabin with food in front of them, a fire behind them, and a hot tub waiting out back. Nice date, ABC. Why not just put their date on a bed with silk sheets and a blindfold? You know, in case Amber is into that sort of thing. I’m sure she is. All Amber’s are kinky. I think. So Andy tells her about what the other girls were saying, Amber doesn’t seem to get caught up in it, they kiss, then head immediately to the hot tub. You know what’s there? More kissing. And Andy has to decide whether Amber gets the rose to stay longer. Andy: “You know what’ll make this night even more romantic? Wait right here. I’ll be right back.” How dumb did Amber play that one? C’mon, you knew exactly what was coming. It’s ok to not play stupid. I’m sure all your 4th graders who were up watching tonights show that had you half naked in a hot tub with a naval seamen could even figure that one out. Parents of Sugar Land, Texas….Protest!!!!
-So it’s time for the cocktail party, and Tweezers apparently doesn’t wash her clothes. She’s wearing that same brown hooker dress she wore when they played “Titanic” on the boat. Danielle even made a comment that she didn’t think the dress was appropriate for a stripper. Oh it is, Danielle. In fact, that’s like a wedding dress for a stripper. And Tweezers likes her dress. A lot. Tweezers: “My dress is smoking hot tonight….I’m 90% sure I’ll get a rose. Last ceremony I was 95% sure. This one I’m 90%.” Hmmmmm, and you’re the one who also thought Lake Tahoe was located in the great Pacific Northwest, right? Ok then Tweezers, quick quiz: If you’re 90% sure that you’re going to get a rose tonight, then what are the odds that you’re not going to get one? That’s right. Bananas. Very good. You get a sticker.
-Bevin is crying again. I’m willing to bet there are more people not pulling for Bevin to win after tonight’s episode than there probably were before. She did an awful lot of whining and crying for my taste. She’s excited about getting one last chance to see Andy before the rose ceremony. “I’ve been counting the hours….waiting for you to come…I’ve been so nervous.” Ummmmm, you were counting the hours til when? Waiting for him to what? Hey Bevin, there are 4th graders in Sugar Land, Texas right now who are mortified about what just came out of your mouth. I really hope you apologize to Amber herself, the school, and the ridiculous parents who are protesting their children being a part of this nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go hump Andy one more time before he forgets you.
-Kate the Informant can’t possibly leave the show without one more piece of information to share with the others. Kate pulls Amber aside and tells her that Tina told her, “By the way, I heard Amber almost had sex with Andy last night.” You know, I admire the Informant for not going down without a fight. I mean, let’s be honest, Kate knew she had no chance of sticking around. So she’s gonna cause as much grief as possible on her way out the door. I’ve got no problem with that. Just one problem with her story. Like Tina of all people would ever be the one to start that rumor. Why? Tina is still unsure of what sex is at this point. Nice try, Kate. Maybe next time.
-This sends Amber into a tizzy and she goes off crying before confronting Andy. She tells him he’s probably going to hear a rumor that’s being spread that they had sex. Andy: “That’s preposterous!” No kidding. And on so many levels too. “I know what we did. And I enjoyed it.” Oh, I bet you did you little dirty dog, you. The way your hand touched her hand. The way your fingers interlocked. They way the taste of her tongue just made you want to run to the bathroom and scrape your tongue off with a kitchen knife. I bet you enjoyed it. Is this woman thing starting to grow on you at all Andy? Even a little bit? Do you think you might wanna try this just once to see what it’s like? You’ll like it. Trust me. It’s like warm apple pie.
-Tessa gets her one last chance to speak with Andy and threaten to quit for whatever reason. Something about women being catty. I don’t know. It was so foreign to me that women could act that way, I didn’t really know what she was talking about. But Andy has some big words in response to Tessa. “My heart is completely open now, and you’re one of the reasons why.” You know, never before in my life before last night had I ever barfed up a lung. But there it was in my sink after hearing Andy utter that cornball line. Nice goin’, pal. I appreciate that. That was a b**ch to cough up, but I sure got it all out thanks to you. You’re the best Andy Baldwin.
-Rose Ceremony time. That means, it’s time for a speech. Andy: “The difficulty of this decision…..speaks of the quality of all you women….utmost respect…..started this quest for women that I thought were best for me….and if I’m sending you home….then you don’t have to suffer through the embarrassment of this whole charade. Be thankful. Or something like that.” Amber has already received a rose by virtue of their steamy date in the hot tub. So yes, he’s kissed Amber.
Tessa: He’s kissed her.
Danielle: He’s kissed her.
Bevin: He’s kissed her.
Tina: Haven’t kissed yet.
Host Chris: “5 - 4 is 1. Only three more shows and I won’t have to do the counting for you anymore ladies.”
Missionary Stephanie: Haven’t kissed yet.
-Hmmmmm….I wonder who the final four will be? That’s a toughie. And I’m sure the final two girls he gave roses to doesn’t give anything away either. Of course it doesn’t.
-Kate the Informant is yet another girl who’s booted that isn’t crying. She says it just didn’t work out for her. Which is a good thing, because now it’ll allow her to pursue her career as Queen Gossiper. Very highly paid and well respected in the community.
-Now Nicole has a nice little meltdown. That was good to see. Very much in tears when uttering, “I was true to Andy…what’d I do wrong?…..Where do I go from here?” Then she just fell down or something. I don’t know, but the camera was still rolling and she went from visibly crying on camera to falling on the floor. Someone help her up. That didn’t look too slick. Where do you go from here Nicole? Well, you can start by chewing on some Nicotine gum. Or maybe go to the patch. Smokers Anonymous might help. Or a walker with an oxygen tank. It’s up to you.
-I was really disappointed that Tweezers didn’t have a bigger freak out than she did. I was half expecting that chick to pull a Trish and become a stalker. “I’m just shocked…I can’t believe this happened…I was ready for it, I wanted it, I believe in it…..I sold somebody out - and apparently he thought that was a sh**ty thing to do.” Uhhhh, yeah. Cuz’ it was. Here’s what you do, Princess. Head straight to the beauty salon, tell the lady you’d like to get rid of the Joker eyebrows, tell her to pencil them in a little darker and thicker, and then head on over to “Jiggles”, get yourself a stage name, and go work your talent. Strive to be the best honey.
-I don’t know when “Reality Roundup” is making a return. I really do apologize. It’s just that this column takes up a lot of time, and with my work schedule, coupled with the fact that…….ok, I’m just lazy. That’s all there is to it. However, it will be up at some point. I just have no idea when. As for “Dr. Reality Steve”, keep sending your letters in to steve@realitysteve.com. Anything is acceptable. Letters, comments, questions, stories, queries, praises, criticisms, what do with your cheating husband, how to tell your girlfriend you want to dump her - you name it, I’ll answer it. That column will appear this week for sure. Until next time….
The Bachelor Links
April 23rd, 2007
-So, either I’m not the greatest advice giver in the world, no one cares to hear about my relationship advice, or, my advice sucks and no one wants to hear me give it again considering I’ve received exactly one “Dr. Reality Steve” letter in the last week. C’mon. I know you people have problems out there. Heck, last time I was receiving emails from 50 year old women going through menopause. Certainly there are some of you out there facing a relationship dilemma, or have a spouse cheating on you, or are dating three men at one time and don’t know what to do, or, maybe you just need someone to talk to. That’s me. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what they pay me the big bucks to do. Ok, maybe not that, but you get my point. I’m here to educate, advice, and entertain. Always remember that. So start sending those emails in to steve@realitysteve.com. It’ll be well worth your time. I think. Onto the show…
-Ok, the minute we saw in last weeks previews there would be a drill sergeant brought on this week, the cheese factor went off the charts. Ok, we get it. Andy’s in the marines, now the girls are in “boot camp”. Hee hee…har har…hilarious. That whole bit couldn’t have been any lamer if they tried. And just because there was a rose on the line for the girl who tried the hardest, that didn’t make it any better. Seriously. Was anyone even remotely amused by that whole segment? I certainly wasn’t. Frankly, it was annoying. And whatever phony out-of-work actor they hired to play that drill sergeant, he certainly shouldn’t have been paid whatever the SAG scale is. Horrible. Just because you’re bald, have tattoos and can scream, doesn’t mean you played a good drill sergeant.
-And how did I know that the “I don’t know but I’ve been told….” chant was going to be done? Yet again, very lame. I mean, did I really hear these women have to chant, “I don’t know but I’ve been told….I am gonna get that rose”? That didn’t happen, did it? God help me. You know what? I’ve got a better one. How’s this? Repeat after me. “I don’t know but I’ve been told….(repeat)…this is getting f***ing old…(repeat)…” Over and out. So fake drill sergeant immediately starts laying into the girls. Tells them to make their beds, not put on make up, get their athletic gear, and come downstairs. And Bevin is Ms. Serious during all this because she wants that rose bad. “I will do whatever he says.” Oh, I bet you will sweet cakes. Something tells me Bevin could kick all these girls asses in boot camp.
-As expected, all the girls are struggling mightily through boot camp. Some can’t even run in place, some don’t like to get dirty, and Erin gets yelled at for being on her knees during pushups. Now I could totally make a joke here about how Erin can’t help but be on her knees since that’s what she’s best at, but I’m not gonna do that. I’m above childish, sophomoric, bathroom humor. I don’t know anything about Erin. She could be a fine upstanding young citizen and be the moral fiber of this show. What good would it do for me to reference the fact that she likes being on her knees? I don’t know that, so it’d be pure speculation on my part to even suggest something of the such. She probably likes it when Susan is on top anyway.
-None of these girls are the least bit impressive through the mini obstacle course they are given, except Bevin. Well, that is until she ‘tards out and rolls her ankle while running through tires….and gets a rose for it! Huh? She gets rewarded for being a complete spaz? Since when? The most athletic girl left by far, and she can’t get through the tire run? I remember in 4th grade that was always part of our obstacle course in P.E. and not once did I remember any of my barely literate classmates practically maiming themselves on that thing. In fact, that was the easiest part. Yet the world class Androgynous one has to be taken to the hospital for it? And gets a pity rose out of it? Seems backwards to me. But then again, we are dealing with Andy here. Judging by the choices he made at the rose ceremony, he’s definitely a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.
-Host Chris comes in to give the ladies an update on Bevin and tell them how the dates are going to work this week. First off, Bevin is fine, her ankle isn’t broken, and she’ll be back. Whew! That takes a load off. For a moment there I thought we were looking at full leg amputation the way Andy came running from the bushes to save the day. But alas, it’s a little swollen, Andy threw out some big medical term which meant “sprained ankle”, and the rest of us can now breathe a sigh of relief. Bevin will have full use of all her limbs for the remainder of her time on the show. Which will definitely come in handy on the overnight dates. Always keep your ankles elevated. Remember that Bevin. Not only will you feel all tingly inside, but it’ll get you another rose, and heck, maybe your ankle will feel better in the morning.
-First group date today will be featuring both Stephanies, Nicole, Amber, and Tina. Now we need to distinguish between the two Stephanies. One is the cute, blonde, reserved one that hasn’t been given much camera time so far. The other one is the slutty moley chick with whacked out eyebrows and large gums. Whatever the case, these ladies are headed to a day at the spa with Andy. Why? Andy: “I like women that can get down and dirty”. Again? He’s gonna use this line for the 4th time in 2 weeks on us? Look, I know we’re supposed to believe this guy isn’t gay and isn’t being force fed all these lines he’s spewing out, but, can he at least come up with something original? The phrase “down and dirty” sounds so wrong coming from someone as prim and proper as this douche bag. Eck. Makes my skin crawl.
-So the “down and dirty” metaphor was obviously used in this instance because he and the girls went to take one of those mud baths that cleanses your skin. Look, I’m no dermatologist, and I’ve never been in one of those pools of mud, but does that really do the trick? My exfoliate seems to work just fine every morning. Just another way for the spa to rip you off. One thing the mud certainly does is piss off Tina. “I don’t want other girls putting their hands all over the man I’m supposed to be marrying.” Oh, so then why are we even watching the rest of the show? Tina’s already won apparently. He fell for the whole fortune cookie trick in episode one hook, line, and sinker. What a great journey you two have had so far. You know what else I love about Andy and Tina’s courtship? The fact that he spends all his time playing with Slutty Stephanie’s fake boobs in the mud.
-You needed a crow bar to separate these two horndogs during their mudslinging session. All the women are trying to rub mud all over Andy, which was a subtle way to say, “Hey, it’s ok to pay attention to me even though my boobs are real.” Andy wanted none of it. It was like Gummy Stephanie’s fake rack was a magnet and Andy was a piece of metal. He pretty much stopped short of feeling her up in the pool. Granted, she has about 10 inches separating both of her breasts, so he was able to manage to cover mud in all the right places of her body. I don’t even think he looked at anyone else in that pool. Unless you count each of Moley Stephanie’s breasts as an individual person, then he played with three people in the pool.
-Back at the house, Bevin has returned on crutches, an air cast, and a swollen, purple ankle. I still can’t believe she was rewarded for rolling her ankle on a tire run. The girls ask her what her and Andy talked about in the hospital and she said, “Not much. But he did buy me this watch. Wanna see?” No, ABC bought you the watch, Andy just handed it to you. I bet Bevin is pretty stoked that since she completely failed at a 3rd grade gym class obstacle course, not only has she received a rose and gets to stay longer, but she also got a watch out of it. Man, this game is easy. How about next week Bevin, you just throw up all over Andy at dinner? I’m sure that’ll get you an overnight date and a trip to meet his folks. Andy is about as square as they come for this show. And don’t worry, it gets worse.
-Back inside, Andy’s having a tough time determining who’s going to get the “extra special quality, one-on-one, secret, private, confidential, exclusive, reserved, non-public, alone time”. Or whatever it is they’re calling it this season. The Slutty One is positive she’s got the inside track because, well, she’s a slut. And none of the other girls are talking to Andy. So, icebreaker time! Someone asks, “What’s been your longest relationship?” Andy says 2 ½ years. It was a tough breakup. He didn’t love him anymore and that type of union isn’t allowed in the state of California. Tina: “Mine was 1 ½ years”. Was he comatose? The Whore: “I had a 4 year relationship. And a 3 year one.” So in those 7 years, I’m expected to believe she slept with two guys? She can probably accomplish that in 7 hours. I’m willing to bet that Stephanie has slept with 50 more guys than the other four girls in that room combined have. I guess I’ll never get any proof of this, but it sure is fun to speculate. C’mon. Just look at her. And listen to her. Judge a book by its cover. I certainly have.
-Much to her disappointment, the Moley Slut doesn’t get the extra time with Andy. That goes to the other Stephanie, from Kansas. The nice, quiet, reserved, cute little blonde one. Or as I like to call her, “Missionary Stephanie.” You know, because I’m sure she does a lot of missionary work. They go off to their own little private outdoors where there’s a table waiting for them and some towels. This is where Missionary Stephanie goes to work. She gives Andy great head…….massages. And of course, Andy being the selfish individual he is, doesn’t return the favor. She has to do all the work. Man, how rude. And if I’m not mistaken, the towels came in handy when Missionary Stephanie had ended. He still had some on him. Mud, of course.
-Date box #2 arrives and Kate, Danielle, Erin, and Amanda will be headed out to the race track, while Peyton and Tessa get the 2-on-1 date. And on that date, one of them will receive a rose, and one will go home. But before we get to three segments of Tessa vs. Peyton, lets first go to our race car driving group date. Andy: “Driving cars is fast and dangerous….but it’s fun. I think women that race cars are so sexy.” Really, would it be too much to ask that whoever is writing up these cue cards get some better penmanship? Andy’s having an awful hard time reading these. So apparently Andy is attracted to Danica Patrick. Women who race cars are sexy? Look, I don’t claim to know every woman currently residing in the United States, but I’m guessing 99.9% of women in America don’t race cars. What kind of statement is that? Hey Andy, guess what? You know what I find sexy? Women who have worm farms and eat chocolate pudding while standing on their head. Exactly. It’s not supposed to make sense.
-So before they get in the cars, each girl gets to talk with Andy and I guess tell them what they like about him or something. Erin is up first. She dressed appropriately for the track in her tight top and big loopy earrings. You know what I think when I see big loopy earrings? And maybe this is just me, I cant quite be certain, but the overall vibe Im getting when I see a woman in big loopy earrings is “I’d like to have sex with you.” But maybe that’s just me. Anyway, Erin doesn’t not want to be stereotyped at all. She thinks Andy has a misconception about her that she’s all about being prissy, when in actuality, she tells us the only thing she’d like better than driving fast cars, was if they had a date at the shooting range. I guess she’s showing him her “down and dirty” side. And this immediately gets Andy excited as only Andy can. It’s like he just had his first sexual experience. Except this time it’s with a woman.
-Andy: “Erin may have bleached blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she knows how to do manly things - like shoot guns.” Andy is like a pig in slop now. So excited that Erin wants to play with his gun. So excited that Erin has shown a different side of herself. So excited that Erin seemingly has taken her mind off Susan for 5 minutes and paid attention to him. Actually, I don’t think Erin looks like a Barbie doll at all. How horrible of Andy to characterize her like that. Maybe one of Hef’s three girlfriends, but not a Barbie Doll. I take that back. Erin doesn’t look like them. Well, at least not that hardcore lesbian one who likes black guys. Which one is that? Oh yeah, Kendra. Nice My Space page. If that woman hasn’t slept with the whole NFL, then the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. Yeah, she lets Hef touch her. Sure she does.
-Danielle pulls Andy aside to talk more about her dead ex-boyfriend. Now, maybe I misheard her on the previous two shows, but, did she or did she not say last night that this ex-boyfriend of hers died in bed right next to her. She woke up one morning, rolled over, and he was there dead? Whoa. That is intense. I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody. And by no means whatsoever am I trying to make light of this situation in the least bit, but, wow. She must be an animal in bed. Look, I like Danielle, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she’s the one he proposes to, but she’s gotta back away from the “fate” card with her and Andy. I know they each had someone close to them die in their past, but, I’m sorry, this show is about as far from “fate” as possible. You know what fate is? Living in Nashville, Tennessee one block away from Travis Stork, never having met him, flying all the way to Paris to be on a TV show where he’s the Bachelor, and he chooses you. That’s fate. And they lasted a whole three months. Being placed on a show where 25 women are handpicked for you to choose from is not fate. Call me crazy.
-So all the girls race around a track of cones and then Andy will decide who gets the “extra special quality, one-on-one, secret, private, confidential, exclusive, reserved, non-public, alone time”. Now, keep in mind, earlier Andy had given a rose to someone who couldn’t make it through leg 1 of a 3rd grade obstacle course. So who gets the extra time with him? Erin. Who couldn’t drive a stick shift, yet somehow was only 4 seconds behind the girl with the best time. Nice editing. Four girls raced, and they finished the course in 53 seconds, 54 seconds, 54 seconds, and 57 seconds respectively. Huh? How? Sure Erin finished in 57 seconds, if you started the stopwatch 5 minutes late. But she gets the extra time because she tried hard? Maybe one of the other three should’ve faked not knowing how to drive a stick too. I could easily make a “You mean Erin’s never handled a stick before” joke, but really, that’s so beneath me. I’m not that type of guy. And Erin likes the warm caress of a woman anyway.
-So Andy taken Erin for a little drive so they can do a little talking, about Susan I presume, and maybe he can break down that wall she seems to be putting up. Andy: “I really like you, and I just wanna make sure you like me.” I don’t remember what Erin said in return, but it wasn’t convincing. She had a hard time opening up to Andy, and he was really struggling with it. “I wanna get to that inner side of you.” Whoa, Andy. Slow down there, Mr. Eager. That’ll take a few shots of Jaeger, maybe a bottle of wine, and a little more sweet talkin’ before Erin lets you do those things to her. Erin says she just doesn’t like being competitive with the other women. It’s just not in her personality to immediately open up to a guy she just met, especially when she knows he’s dating other women. Even though that’s what you’re supposed to do on this show if you want any chance of lasting until the final four. No one explained this to Erin. Whatever. Like she had any interest in the gay doctor after meeting Susan. I really hope both of those two are at the “Women Tell All” episode. And sitting on each others lap. Theyre gonna last longer than Andy and whoever he chooses. Me like Erin.
-Time for Peyton and Tessa’s 2-on-1 date. Its down in San Diego aboard the USS Midway. Andy is waiting for them in his “Top Gun” sunglasses as they arrive on the ship. He’s looking very “Iceman”-like if you ask me. Maybe he’ll play volleyball shirtless on this date. Kinda funny how every guy wanted to be like Tom Cruise after that movie came out and now we look at him and laugh uncontrollably at what a wacko he’s turned into. Whatever PR firm is running his camp, they should be out of a job by now. From jumping on couches, to shouting down Matt Lauer, to impregnating Joey Potter, to locking her up in the house and never letting her leave - this guy has completely lost it. Homeless people look at him now and mumble, “Damn. That’s boy’s crazy.”
-Andy asks Peyton and Tessa, “Have you ever been on a naval ship before?” Both said “no”. But both did admit to being very much fans of naval seamen. Ok, so I forgot to throw that in last week. That should be a staple of the column from now on. Every week I will no doubt get a naval seamen reference in there. Has to be done. Its only appropriate. You know, because Andy is in the Navy. At sea. So, Andy goes around the ship explaining to the girls what he does and all his big ship terms like “hatch” and “passageway”. Wow. You’re blowing our minds Andy, really. I thought when they passed by the bunk beds both of these girls would ask to take a nap. Andy, I’m glad you serve our country the way you do, you’ve put in a lot of your valuable time, and you are a true inspiration to us all. Just don’t ever give us another tour of your ship. I practically cracked my head on the side of my coffee table after falling asleep.
-Andy once again grills the girls about himself. “Have either of you dated a doctor?” Both said “no”. “How about a guy in the military?” Both said “no”. Andy got fed up at this point. “Well f*** then, how about a gay man?” Ok, he didn’t ask that. But he should’ve. Might’ve gotten some truth out of the girls. So he takes each girl away separately so they can plead their case on why they think the gayest of Bachelors should keep them around another week. Peyton is up first. She’s got the loopy earrings going on as well, but they’re very thin and red. You can barely see them. Not nearly as extravagant as Erin’s at the track. They kinda look like that red licorice you can get at the County fair. I want to eat her earrings now. I’m hungry. And officially delirious.
-Peyton really opened up to Andy and spilled her guts telling him how much she was into him, how she could see the two of them together, and how things just felt right to her. Tessa was a different story. She took a different route and played the “mysterious” card. Didn’t say much until Andy had to practically pry it out of her. But definitely keeping her guard up. Andy: “I’d like to see Tessa let me into her comfort zone.” Oh, is that what they’re calling it nowadays? I prefer “baby maker”. Or “Va-jay-jay”. Whatever the case, Andy and “comfort zones” are unfamiliar with each other, so I don’t even know why he’s begging so bad to be in there.
-So they break to commercial yet again while these three are on the ship meaning three full segments will now be dedicated to the Tessa vs. Peyton fight to death. Seemed like a lot to me, don’t you think? Was that really necessary? A helicopter lands on the ship and its there to take Andy and the woman of his choosing home. He immediately starts tearing up when picking Tessa. He can barely speak. What happened to this guy? He’s a complete mess right now. He picks Tessa, leaves Peyton standing there in the freezing cold while he goes to put Tessa in the helicopter, comes running back to Peyton still crying, and gives her a hug. Geesh. Enough already. I didn’t even know you liked Peyton and now you’re acting like your dog died. It was at this point I was completely convinced that, with all due respect to “Desperate Housewives”: “Andy cries when he ejaculates!”
-Time for cocktail hour before the rose ceremony. Last chance for the ladies to make an impression. Amanda is up first. Andy is trying to get her to open up about herself. “What’s the most romantic date you’ve ever been on?” Amanda: “My most romantic date was our group date, even though it was with other women.” Ummm, probably not the answer he was looking for. Andy says he and Amanda definitely have a physical connection (he’d hit that), but she’s just not giving him anything else of substance. She says she has all these stories about herself, yet when he asks her what they are, she can’t come up with any. That’s ok. We’re running out of time. I’m tired, the show’s almost over, and I don’t think we need a woman to begin telling a story. We’ll be here all month.
-Kate makes an appearance at the cocktail party. Nice for you to join us, Kate. Ummmm, where have you been? Kate: “Do you think I’m just this wild party sorority girl?…I’m actually more of a homebody. I’m pretty chill and relaxed.” Translation: I loved to drink, get baked, and go to the Delta Gamma Anchor Splash. Yes, I attended one of those. Quite interesting. My girlfriend wasn’t a Delta Gamma, just someone I wanted to get with was. And that’s what you do when you want a woman. You suck it up and attend sh** you want no part of. Didn’t work. She liked some frat boy. Hmmph. That’ll show her what she’s missing. Look where I’m at now. Oh God.
-Both Stephanies corner Andy with their final pitches. Andy asks if there’s any similarities between the two besides their name. Of course, Her Sluttiness does all the talking. “Well, I think I’m louder than her.” Ya’ think? Something tells me she wakes up dogs in the neighborhood in bed. “I’m more of the life of the party”. Yes you are, honey. Who wouldn’t be with that repuation? “And all you’d have to do is ask, and I’d do a threesome in a heartbeat.” Ok, she didn’t say that. But I bet she was thinking it. Missionary Stephanie couldn’t compete with anything that Whore Girl had to offer.
-Bevin, despite already having a rose tonight, for some reason felt depressed and had to go outside to grab Andy’s attention. He followed her, gave her a foot rub, then they ended up kissing. Have I made up my mind yet on Bevin? I’m starting to lean one way. Not fully 100% decided yet on whether or not she is someone I could see myself having long relations with or not. Whatever that means. Sounded like a kinder, gentler, more subtle way of saying I haven’t decided if I’d boink her. But I’m getting there. I’m sure she’s waiting in anticipation for my answer.
-Rose Ceremony time. Host Chris tells us that Bevin and Tessa are safe. And Peyton’s already been sent home. Meaning there’s 9 girls left to receive 7 roses. That completely went over every girls head. Might as well told them to re-wire the Pentagon. And geesh they’re going slow this season. Usually from 15 they go down to 10 or 8. They only went to 12, and now only down to 9? Does this show run until the fall? Get a move on, dammit. “America’s Got Talent” is starting soon. And “Laguna Beach 4”.
-Andy: “He we are….I hate this part….If I let you go tonight…it’s not because you’re not wonderful, because you are…..Thank you for your sincerity”. And thank you for the worst pre-rose giveaway speech ever. What a way with words.
Amber: We maybe saw five seconds of her this episode.
Danielle: I think the best looking girl left on the show and probably his future wife. Or ex-girlfriend.
Missionary Stephanie: Slutty Stephanie wasn’t pleased about this.
Tina: An absolute mystery to me. She must have pictures of him with farm animals or something.
Kate: For some perverted reason, he smelled this rose before giving it to Kate. I don’t want to know what that was for.
Nicole: Still smoking two packs a day, still a little looney, and joins Tina in my “Huh?” club.
“Ladies, Andy, this is the final rose tonight before I go slit my wrists knowing we have another season of this sh** still to come. When you’re ready. Please make it fast and painless. My wife and kids miss me. Even though I don’t do anything during filming other than read a couple lines here and there, I miss them. I want to go home. I get lonely and horny hosting this show, and by golly, I’m pissed I don’t get in on any of this action. It really bothers me that…..” I think this is where he stopped talking.
The Ho’ Bag: Put it this way. If she didn’t have implants, I don’t think she’d still be around.
-So Erin and Amanda are both sent packing. Erin didn’t even cry (yet another who didn’t care they got booted), and Amanda teared up a little bit, but was by far, not devastated to be going home. Is Andy looking at the same girls I am? Really? I would’ve picked Peyton over Tessa, and I would’ve swapped out Erin and Amanda for Tina and Nicole. I’m really scratching my head at some of this guy’s choices.
-I’ve done a little breakdown here of the nine remaining women to see who’ll make the final four at least. Well, I think you and I both can assume that neither Tina, Kate, or Nicole make the final four. We just haven’t heard enough about them yet for that to happen. And I really don’t think that Amber gets in for the same reason - we don’t know enough about her. So that leaves five women competing for four spots: The two Stephanies, Danielle, Bevin, and Tessa. And since we’ve never had two women with the same name in the final four (I don’t think, but I could be wrong), I’ll say Missionary Stephanie is out. So our final four is Danielle, Bevin, Tessa, and the Skank. I know the Skank doesn’t win, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t pick Tessa. So by power of deductive reasoning, I’ve got a Danielle/Bevin final, with Danielle winning. I’m pretty confident in this one. We’ll see.
-As for “Reality Roundup”…..uhhh….errrrrr…ummmmm…look, I swear half of it is done. It’s just the other half isn’t. And I’m about 2 months backed up now on shows. I don’t know when it’s going up. But it will at some point. There’s too much good stuff going on TV right now for me not to mention it. From the Sanjaya embarrassment on “Idol”, to Steve Sanders waltzing, to Heidi from the “Hills” getting a boob job - it’s endless. I will get to it sooner or later. Bear with me. And for those looking to add me as a My Space friend, or even pass the column along to your My Space friends, the address is: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
April 16th, 2007
-Ok, I officially hate the hour and a half shows. You do realize that every episode this season is going to be an hour and a half, don’t you? Why? Who made this decision? No one’s watching this crap anymore, so they figured they’d make the show longer? Really? Brilliant idea. Someone should be fired over that decision. And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know, regardless of what the ratings are for Andy’s season here, and regardless of how it turns out, the “Bachelor” has already been renewed for the fall season. I’m still scratching my head on what they figure to accomplish by continuing to air this show, yet “The Nine” got cancelled after six episodes. That was one of the few promising shows of the new season. Boooooooooooo. Anyway, let’s get started, I’ve got a boatload of crap to get to with that extra half hour to cover. A-holes.
-Host Chris immediately comes out to inform us there will be two group dates and a solo date. But he wants to give us the rules. Oooooh, rules now for the dates? When did this start? Is this where he informs the ladies they are prohibited from touching, grabbing, licking, stroking, or biting Andy below the waist? Oh. Guess not. Chris just informs them that no roses will be handed out on the group dates, each girl will get alone time with him, but Andy will choose one girl who he wants to spend a little extra alone time with. And the solo date goes to Stephanie from Whoreville because she received the first impression rose. That’s lame. Those aren’t rules, Chris. Those are “the producers needed to justify my paycheck for this show, so I have to come out and say this, even though a lot of my voice is dubbed in after the fact.”
-First group date consists of Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, the other Stephanie, Bevin, Amanda, and Tessa. They’ll all be going to the Sunset Strip for a night on the town. Or as Dorky Andy put it: “Operation Soul Mate is about to begin”. Oh for christ sakes, shutup. Enough with the military references. Look, it’s bad enough we have to deal with the “Officer and a Gentleman” crap, and now you’re making up your own “wars” to describe you finding a future girl you can dump once the show ends? I wonder how soldiers who fought in “Operation Iraqi Freedom” feel about “Operation Soul Mate”? I’m curious to see if they feel it’s just as difficult for you as it was for them? We’ve hit an all time low. “Operation Soul Mate”? I will now stick a spoon down my throat and scoop out the bile.
-Nicole states that “Andy is the total Bachelor. This is the guy you dream about.” He is? What exactly occurs in these dreams? Does he attack you with his fake wooden teeth? Does he take you to his class where he learned to be a ventriloquist? Outside of being able to move mountains, and swim across the Atlantic Ocean, and being Jack La Lane’s illegitimate son, I don’t think Andy has much else to offer. And the way he speaks bugs the piss out of me. Would it be ok if his mouth moved when he spoke? Am I asking too much here? And while you’re at it Andy, the lint in my pocket called, it wants its personality back.
-Andy: “I like a girl who likes to get down and dirty and isn’t afraid to break a nail.” Well, you’ve gotta a couple in this bunch that certainly won’t mind that Captain Charisma. A couple could probably kick your ass. And mine. At the same time. With one hand tied behind their back. There are definitely a couple rough ones in this group. However, after getting an hour and a half worth of camera time to really study our remaining fifteen, there are definitely some cute ones that I missed in the first episode. And then there’s Double T - Tina and Tessa. Ummmmm….uhhh, not so much. I’m sure they have great personalities. I just…well…they bug. A lot. And maybe that’s detracting from their physical appearance. Hey, it’s possible. These are my rules, I made them up, so let me be.
-So the girls go to that one bar on Sunset Strip that has the mechanical bull. Didn’t one of the other Bachelors take his tramps here? I know they’ve done this before, I just can’t remember which douche bag it was. Whatever. They’re all the same. Still single and used the show to promote their career. Andy seemed really turned on by watching the girls ride a bull. Especially when it just vibrated and you could see whose chest bounced around the most. Or maybe that was just me. Whatever the case, Andy did admit to enjoying himself. Of course he did. He’s a guy and he’s watching seven different women, all vying for his attention, straddling a bull while it vibrates beneath them. Glad that you like to objectify women like that Andy. Such a pig. Really disgusts me. I’d never do such a thing.
-Stephanie from Kansas, our blondie that likes to do back handsprings in her prom dress, well, how else can I put this without sounding too…..ahhhh, screw it…she’d be a riot on top. She was the only one who lasted the whole time on the bull without falling off….and she did it one handed! Which means that she’d be able to take her other hand and…..forget it. Good job Stephanie. I’m sure I wasn’t the only man with impure thoughts last night. Andy sure was: “I’m thinking I want to spend my extra alone time with Stephanie.” There you go again, you male whore. You think Stephanie wants to hear you talk about her in that way? You know for nine seasons, it’s really been about finding true love, and guys who weren’t looking for a piece of ass, and women that weren’t into promoting their modeling careers. Now look what our precious show has turned into. Hot blondes riding bulls one handed and getting me all sweaty. Keep it comin!
-So after getting the ladies insides all mushy, Andy takes them up to a hotel room full of dresses for the evening. Tiffany can’t believe it. “I’ve never had a date take me to a room full of dresses before.” Of course you haven’t Tiffany because you’ve never been on the “Bachelor” before. Unless I missed you from some previous season. Has anyone who’s not been on this show ever gone to a room full of dresses to choose from? My guess is unless you played Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”, then the answer would be “no”. Or did he just buy her that one red dress to put on? I don’t remember. I’ve chosen to forget everything about Julia Roberts the minute she married Lyle Lovett then named her newest babies something out of a fairy tale. Phinnaeus and Hazel? Can’t wait til’ Phinneaus is all over the news for getting a Grade A ass kicking from his classmates when he’s in about the third grade. Sucks for you, Phinn. Take it out on mommy. I think kids should have the right to sue their parents for crappy names.
-Andy’s telling us about his ideal woman yet again: “I really dig a woman who can really be a tomboy and get down and dirty, but then, can put on a dress and…..” I stopped listening at this point. In twenty minutes, he’s already told us twice he likes women who can get down and dirty. Are they showing us this for a reason? Why would they do that twice in twenty minutes? He likes dirty chicks, we get it. No dirty chick has ever gotten the final rose at the end. Never. Why would it start now? Do I really need to see some butch chick on the cover of my US Weekly in a few months? I sure hope not. I think Andy’s confused about what he wants. I think Andy’s confused about a lot of things actually. Including how he’s gonna play off a marriage proposal at the end of the show when he’s obviously gay. I didn’t say that.
-So they’re all on a rooftop in their dresses talking to Andy, and he begins his alone time with the girls. Nicole is up first. She has a bad case of smokers voice. “I can’t get over his teeth, and smile, and suit.” Nicole, it might not be such a bad thing if you cut down to two packs a day. You shouldn’t have completely tarred lungs before you hit the age of 30. Andy is a health nut. He’s not gonna like that. And I found it hilarious that Andy and Nicole’s alone time happened about 10 feet away from the rest of the girls. Wow. What privacy. I’m sure Nicole felt special. Why not just sit her on your lap and do your ventriloquist routine with her as your puppet? I’m sure that would’ve been good for a laugh or none.
-It’s time for Alexis to out herself while Andy and Nicole are 17 inches away from the rest of the pack. Alexis: “So does everyone here kiss on the first date?” Alexis’ says she won’t. Why you ask? Wellllllllll, because she “was home schooled until she got to high school, she has strong moral values, she’s old fashioned, and she’s true to her conservative background.” Virgin Alert! Virgin Alert! Home schooled? People still do that? So needless to say, Alexis is kind of lacking in the social skills department. She doesn’t have any. She didn’t interact with people apparently until after she started her menstrual cycle. Good times, Alexis. I’m sure that’s never played a role in your being single. Look, I’m sure she’s a great gal, and I’m sure her family loves her, and she’s a strong independent woman, and……why did we cast her on this show again? The minute producers saw her application and in the section that said “Education” and she checked “in my living room”, it should’ve been thrown in the trash. Home schooled til’ high school AND a virgin? That’s the biggest double whammy this show has ever seen. We can deal with Sadie the Virgin. Not Alexis the conservative, home schooled virgin with the strong moral values.
-Time for the girls take off those dresses and get into their bikini’s - it’s hot tub time! Although Andy is a bit confused. Shocker. Andy: “The girls looked amazing in their dresses, but I don’t know what’s better - dresses or bikini’s?” Let me help you out here pal. And this coming from a heterosexual man, maybe you won’t understand, but it’s bikini’s. Hey, nothing wrong with a really pretty dress that really makes a woman stand out, but ummmm, well, a bikini means she’s closer to being naked. And nakedness leads to other things which I choose not to discuss in this manner because it’s inappropriate, classless, and their may be youngsters reading this. Just know it’s a good thing. Yay nakedness. Don’t worry, Andy. Someday. And he’ll be the most attractive man you’ve ever seen.
-Bevin finally gets her alone time with Andy and her takes her into the big kids pool where she wraps her legs around him, they kiss underwater, and we get to see her Chinese tattoo she has on the back of her right shoulder. I could care less what they did in the pool. It was all a front. I’m having a major problem with Bevin right now. I cannot decide if I think she’s attractive or not. Literally it bothered me all show that I could watch her for an hour and a half and still be undecided. Usually I know within twelve seconds whether or not I find someone attractive. Bevin? I’m clueless. On one hand, she kinda has facial features of Jen Schefft, yet on the other hand, she kinda looks like a dude. Androgenous Bevin is what I’ll call her. And I’ll let you know when I’ve come to my final decision on her attractiveness. I have a feeling it won’t be anytime soon.
-For god knows what reason, Andy chose Tiffany for his extra alone time. His reasoning? “Tiffany was one of the shier women in the group. So I wanted to give her the chance to shine.” And what a waste of time that turned out to be. Did someone notify Tiffany she was being videotaped? Was she aware she was participating in a show called the “Bachelor”? I’ve had better conversations with my pillow than those two had together. And trust me, my pillow and I have gotten into some very deep stuff. In fact, I’m sure we’ll be having yet another one tonight. What will it revolve around? Of course. Women. They never cease to amaze. Anyway Tiffany, feel free to act like you like boys. It might help your chances if you ever decide to do another dating show in the future.
-Date Box #2 has Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton being given workout clothes. Because Andy likes to work out, in case you didn’t know. You didn’t? Well, he’s gonna tell us. Again. “Athletics are a big part of my life. I’m also a 6 time Ironman Triathlon finisher.” Really? We hadn’t heard. Good that you let us in on that or else we’d think you kept your body all nice and tight for some guy or something. Susan tells us right away that she’s not into the whole exercising/working out thing. All she does is jog with her dog three times a week. That’s her exercise for the year. If this wasn’t a sign she was doomed, I didn’t know what is. Well, either this, or that her and Erin were lesbians. One of the two.
-So Andy tells the ladies they will compete in a mini-triathlon for his affection. And when he says “mini”, he means “Like any of you peasants could possibly compete at the level that I do on a daily basis, so I’m gonna make you compete in an obstacle course designed for 4th graders”. The mini triathlon consisted of 4 laps in a pool about 10 yards long, riding on the stationary bike, then run 5 laps around the outer edge of the pool. It was quite an interesting dynamic. All the girls were into it except Erin and Susan who didn’t want to get their hair wet, so they walked the 4 laps in the pool. And then promptly pleasured each other poolside. I’m kidding. I think. Wouldn’t be surprised. If there ever was an uncut DVD version of this season, I bet we’d see these two going at it like dogs in heat.
-Danielle was the first girl off the bike to start her laps, but Amber was 2nd and caught her, passed her, and ended up winning. She must be beat. I mean, all that swimming, biking, and running. Just the woman Andy was looking for. And apparently Andy’s exactly what she’s looking for. Amber: “Andy is like a little kid living inside this 30 year old muscular body.” Is she hanging out with the same Andy we’re seeing? Or is she just being paid to say nice things about him? Maybe I missed the “little kid” side of Andy that Amber sees. I wonder if that “little kid” is still playing grab ass on the playground with all his other little male friends. And then touching each others wieners in the bathroom. This is getting disturbing. Andy needs to come clean right now before this show, and this column, gets completely out of hand. Just admit it, pal. You like 25 women, but you prefer 25 men in uniform.
-So Stephanie from South Carolina will obviously be this season’s whipping girl that all the other ones talk about. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because they went to commercial earlier with Chris saying, “Everyone hates Stephanie from South Carolina….except Andy.” Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s the outspoken, obnoxious chick with the fake rack and moles that you can play connect-the-dots with? Don’t believe me? Stephanie: “I got the first impression rose, I got the first date, and when I get back from my date, I’m gonna run in the house with my rose.” Very subtle, Steph. I’m glad you’re being so humble about the whole experience and aren’t looking to win this thing at all. Her and Alexis are currently battling for top spot in “Reality Steve’s Largest Gums” competition. And since Stephanie’s gonna be around just a little bit longer, I guess Stephanie wins. Congrats, Gummy. You’re the first ever recipient.
-So after trying on a dress that would make a prostitute jealous, she decides on a longer, more formal one which accentuates the ten grand she spent on her rack. She meets Andy aboard his yacht and they immediately head to the bow where champagne awaits. So since “Titanic” came out, any televised date that involves a boat or yacht must also include the both dating parties to re-enact the “King of the World” scene. This must be in some contract or something since everyone does it. So these two do it and Stephanie sticks out her chest for all of America to see. Andy is Jack, and Stephanie is Rose. And I just jammed a wine bottle opener into my temple. Now, I know how much women love that movie, but ladies, you ask any guy out there if they enjoyed it, and he’s lying to you if he says “yes”. That movie was strictly made for your gender and your gender only. We wouldn’t sit through that if we knew sex, an apple pie, and the morning paper would be waiting for us afterwards. And if you ask me, Jack wussed out on Rose. He told her he’d never leave her, then instead of kicking someone already dead off a piece of wood to have for himself, he sits there and freezes himself. What a hero. I still can’t believe the troubled kid from “Growing Pains” ended up becoming the hottest male actor on the planet. I wonder if Kirk and his perm are jealous. Of course he’s not. He’s off thumping his Bible with wifey and their nine kids.
-Stephanie and Andy are already discussing wedding plans. Stephanie: “What’s your ideal wedding?” Andy: “It’d be a Hawaiian wedding. What about yours?” Stephanie: “I want a small wedding.” Andy: “All right, we’re having a small wedding.” Look, I know he said it in jest, and it’s not quite the same as Byron toasting Tanya’s family “To Christmas in Texas”, but still. If Stephanie wasn’t gonna be around for a while, there’s no way in hell he’d even joke about something like that. So to all the other ladies in the house, you might have to deal with Stephanie and her moles for a few more weeks. And her fake rack. They ain’t goin’ anywhere anytime soon. “Andy and Gummy sittin in a tree…”
-Gummy is at it again. “I got the first impression rose, I got the first date, and I got the first kiss.” Oh yeah, they kissed in the hot tub when her flotation devices were in their peak form. And although Andy has .00001% body fat on him, his chest is all jacked up. But enough about Andy’s chest, because Stephanie is freaking out about how well her date went. She practically climaxes when getting back into the limo and screams “He’s so awesoooooooooome! I can’t wait to see him again.” So you can slut yourself out even more? I don’t think it’s possible. Stephanie really seems to like her chances at this point. And who can blame her? She’s the only girl he’s kissed, Andy can do a full workout just playing with her cans, and she’ll give it up at the drop of a hat. What gay man wouldn’t love to be all over that?
-Time for the girls to make their final impression on Andy before Rose Ceremony time. Only three are getting eliminated tonight? Fifteen down to twelve? Man, not only are these episodes a half hour longer, judging by this pace, we’ll be seeing Andy propose right around the time summer rolls around. This is not good. Someone get on the horn to ABC and tell them to cut this out. I’m not happy about where this is headed. They have NEVER gone from fifteen girls down to just twelve in episode two. Maybe it’ll be like “Survivor” and they’ll go with the final three, instead of two. Ok, maybe not. But I can hope.
-At the cocktail party, Gummy knows she’s safe, so she’s gonna have a little fun at Alexis’ virgin expense. Gummy knows Alexis is a virgin, and is trying to get her to admit it. Gummy: “Ive been dumped for a virgin before….Who here is a virgin?” What a b***h. If Alexis weren’t home schooled and could figure out what you were onto, I’d say she had every right to slap you across the face. Stephanie: “Alexis has the upper hand right now, she’s a virgin. What guy wouldn’t want that?” Well, apparently Andy. He likes em’ down and dirty remember? You should. He’s told us that three times tonight. Alexis doesn’t tell Andy she’s a virgin, but does tell him she was engaged before, but didn’t get married because “divorce isn’t an option”. Andy agreed. The institution of two men united as one should never be torn apart if he has any say about it.
-Erin and Susan both made their last ditch effort to save their relationship….until Andy came by and sat between them. If these two aren’t an item right now, something is seriously wrong. No two women in this show’s history have become as touchy feely as these two have. And frankly, I’m all for it. Quit getting in their way, Andy. They’re not here for you. They’ve found each other and it’s a beautiful sight to watch develop. In fact, there is a lot of money to be made in a possible movie for these two. So unless you’re willing to play the role of the pizza delivery guy, back off. They’ve got a career ahead of them. Cue the music! “Bow-chicka-bow-bow”….
-Andy goes philosophical on us: “Everything would be perfect about this night if I didn’t have to send three women home. I’m a healer and a doctor, and the thought of instilling some pain in people doesn’t go well with my heart and mind.” Touching Andy, touching. That really gets right to the core of who you are as a person, a healer, and a doct…..wait, this guy’s a doctor! Holy crap! Why haven’t they mentioned this yet? We’re two episodes in and you’d think we’d know this by now, wouldn’t you? Amazing. And a healer? So he can just heal people no matter what their problem is? The fact that he calls himself a healer really bothers the hell out of me. Sounds quite self absorbing if you ask me. But who am I to judge? I had 19’9” inscribed on the back of my letterman’s jacket in high school.
-Tessa got some alone time with Andy so she could tell him the one about why did the chicken cross the road. Actually, she cornered him so they could each give each other foot rubs. Believe it or not, Andy was excited. “Tessa showed me something she hadn’t showed me yet - some affection”. Translation: I was hoping she’d show me her boobs. This foot thing is kinda creepy. Then Danielle is up next and says her right ear still had water in it from swimming that day, so Andy gave her a wet willie - with his tongue. Awwwww….how romantic. Danielle is on the radar now as someone to watch out for. She’s good looking, athletic, and has the whole “I had someone in my family who died recently too so maybe that means we should do it” thing going on about her. That could work to her advantage.
-Androgenous Bevin makes her last pitch by saying she’s been on her own since she was 15, is 28 now, and is looking for the same thing that Andy is looking for: a man to fall in love with. Over an hour into the episode and I’m still on the fence with Bevin. Part of me wants to jump on top of her, and part of me just wants to throw a football around the yard with her. When am I going to get an answer on this? I’ve never struggled with something like this my whole life. And the name Bevin certainly isn’t helping. For pete’s sake, if her name was Cinnamon it’d be a no-brainer. I’m having a real hard time closing my eyes and being intimate with something named Bevin.
-Back to Tessa for a moment because she’s becoming overwhelmed with the show. She leaves the party and heads upstairs to cry. Why? Well, because according to her, “I got sick of seeing fourteen girls dating the same guy….it would almost be better if maybe I didn’t get a rose.” Yeah, it would. Then we wouldn’t have to listen to this nonsense anymore. You joined the “Bachelor” thinking what? On the first night he’d tell the other 24 to pack their bags because he found the one he wanted, and that one was you? Tessa, the girl with the bad jokes and small toes. Not quite honey. ABC needs to milk eight episodes out of this abortion. Nothing in life is that easy. So go crack open your joke book for 2nd graders and see if you can impress again.
-Rose Ceremony time, but not before Andy tells the losing ladies tonight what they’re future holds for them. “Thank for these last few days….taking a risk with me….don’t take it personal if I send you home…I believe in trule love…and that person is out there for you.” Geez. Being a little presumptuous aren’t we, Andy? Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself, ok Lieutenant? Thank you. Now give out your stupid roses.
-Eleven are given away since Stephanie the moley chick with the giant rack has already gotten her rose.
Tessa: What?!! Why?!!! Because she rubbed your feet?
Danielle: Nothing says “I’m into you” more than a wet willie.
Androgenous Bevin: She has the breasts that you’d see on a female body builder. Or maybe it was just the dress. Man, I’m struggling with this one.
Amber: That was a given. She won the Triathlon. Kinda mousy looking.
Stephanie: The “other” Stephanie. The one who does back handsprings and looks better that Ms. Mole.
Kate: When he announced her name, she said, “Shutup!” Some confidence she had. I’m guessing she’s not around too much longer.
Nicole: My guess to be the one in the ambulance next week. Either her or Tessa.
Tina: Can’t explain this pick. Meeting his Asian quota? I don’t know.
Peyton: Another cute girl who’s a professional sorority recruiter. Don’t know if that’ll be up to Andy’s standards. Probably not.
Amanda: Huh?
At this point, Erin turns to her lover Susan and says, “I think we’re both going home”, as Host Chris steps in for his final line of the night. “Ladies, Andy, after dissecting the Pythagorean Theorem backstage, I’ve come to the conclusion that 11 minus 10 equals 1. This is the last rose of the night.”
Erin: Her and Susan make out and fondle each other one last time before Erin moves on and Susan goes home. It was a very sad, touching, and erotic moment.
-So Tiffany the Bore, Alex the home schooled, old fashioned, strong moral valued virgin, and Susan the lesbian were sent home. And for the first time in I can’t remember how many years, they didn’t show one of them crying hysterically. I’m sure that really boosted Andy’s ego. These women don’t even care they’re being sent home. Well, Susan started tearing up a bit, but we all know what that was for. She wouldn’t get to pleasure Erin tonight.
-Next week they show Peyton and Tessa on a 2-on-1 date, meaning one of them will get a rose, and the other goes home. Oops. I guess that would eliminate Tessa from possibly being in that ambulance next week. If he picks Tessa over Peyton, something is wrong. Severley wrong. That one is a no-brainer.
-To update those who are visiting the MySpage page at: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. I did some re-arranging yesterday, I’ve since put up a video of my niece taken at Christmas time. Funny stuff, if you like seeing 2 1/2 year olds take a header on the slide. I also played musical chairs with my top friends list. Not because I felt some people were more important than others, not because I felt some people were less important than others - but because I could. So whatever you do, don’t take offense if you were up there before and now aren’t, or vice versa. I could care less where people are on my friends list, but since I hadn’t changed it in about 4 months, I was bored and had fun playing with my mouse. No, that wasn’t a sexual reference, believe it or not. I’m looking to possibly start up Dr. Reality Steve again, I’ve just stopped receiving emails about that, hence the reason there hasn’t been a column in a while. So any questions, comments, queries, advice, dilemmas, or horrible ex stories you may have, email them to me at: steve@realitysteve.com, and yours could appear in the next edition of Dr. Reality Steve.
-Reality Roundup you ask? Uhhh, sure. It’ll be here sometime this week. I have half of it written. I just need to sit down and write the other half. But I’m not going to give a day on when it’ll be up since I have trouble keeping my word when it comes to things like that. Pardon me. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
April 9th, 2007
-Good to be back, but it was not the greatest of nights. I didn’t get done watching the “Bachelor” til almost 1:00am, I just sweated out a 101 degree temperature, and about 3 hours ago, I became an uncle for the second time. So this is taking some serious dedication. I hope you realize this. So any flowers, candy, and gifts you have, feel free to send them my way. The things I do for my readers. Its unparalleled in the blogging world, really. The good news? I don’t have too much to write because a lot of last nights show was being introduced to the women, then the rose ceremony. I knew everything I needed to know about Lt. Andy Baldwin over the past couple weeks. In case you were unaware of this, he’s a doctor in the Navy. And hes competed in six triathlons. And he’s a humanitarian. And if I’m not mistaken, he’s the second coming of Jesus Christ too.
-So we already know that Captain America proposes to whoever he chooses at the end of the show. ABC made it clear they got that out in the first 2 minutes last night due to its recent track record of skirt chasers they’ve used as the “Bachelor” who haven’t exactly been sincere with their intentions for being on the show. But Mr. Perfect will definitely change that. He’s here to find the love of his life, and according to him, he has. So let the guessing game begin. Frankly, I kind of enjoyed last night’s episode for two reasons: 1) It wasn’t two hours long, and 2) They didn’t spend an inordinate amount of time showing these girls being picked up at their house and being told they were gonna be on the show. Thank God. Thats a waste of my time. Like I care how these women can fake act like they’re surprised they were chosen.
-So when 10 Minute Abs was a kid, he tells us he had 3 jobs: a paperboy, a lifeguard, and a lawn mowing business. Looks like all before the age of about 8. Wonderful. I was an expert at ruining my spiral notebooks by ripping out the wiring at that age. Hey, I have a question. Why didn’t ABC just tell us the things that Andy DIDN’T accomplish in his life by age eight? I think that would’ve been much easier. I’m thoroughly disappointed he didn’t pilot an air craft carrier, or discover a cure for AIDS, or maybe feed the hungry in a third world country. And he calls himself a humanitarian? Pssshaw. I donated $5 at church last week. Top that, Baldwin.
-So the show began as it always does, with Host Chris at the mansion, gushing about our Bachelor who’s about to show up. Has Host Chris aged in 13 seasons of this show? He looks exactly the same as he did when he introduced us to our only gay Bachelor, Alex, in Season 1. He’s either drinking from the fountain of youth everyday, or he’s had a couple visits to Dr. 90210. Lookin’ good Chris. You’re still cute as a button. No, I didn’t just say that. Well, I did. But I didn’t mean it. I swear. Whatever Chris’ secret is to looking so young and dapper all the time, he should bottle it up and sell it on an infomercial. I’m sure there would be suckers who’d buy it.
-Host Chris informs us once Richard Gere shows up that its his 30th birthday today. And oh yeah, enough with the “Officer and Gentleman” crap too. Please. Why do they have to add a subtitle to this show? Especially from a movie that was crap 25 years ago. I haven’t thought twice about that movie in ages, so why do they need to remind me of it? Especially since it’s leading male character has an affinity for sticking small furry animals in his rectum. Hey, I don’t care if its an urban legend or not, I believe it. Anyway, it’s Mr. Olympia’s birthday, so inevitably either he or one of the ladies would utter the phrase “this is the best birthday gift ever” at some point during the night. And of course, we weren’t disappointed. Adonis: “Just think, I could end up meeting my future wife on my birthday!” Or you could end up meeting the woman you kinda like, date for a little bit, then end up dumping….on your birthday. There’s that too. I’m leaning towards that happening. Call me cynical.
-So it’s time to meet the ladies. I think for the first time in a long time, they didn’t show every single girl appearing out of the limo. I was trying to keep track of which ones they showed stepping out of the limo, and which ones they just showed walking up to him. There were quite a few. So of all 25 women, only these made some sort of impression on me:
Alexis: First woman out of the limos. She was rocking the long dark hair, a black dress, and the large gums-small teeth thing.
Catherine: A former Miss Illinois. Tall blonde with implants. Could be a contender because, well, she’s a tall blonde with implants.
Amber: From Sugarland, Texas. You know how I know this? Because she told us, since she’s from Sugarland, “I’ll be the sweetest one here”. Oh, I get it. Because sugar is sweet. She thought of that analogy all by herself. She’s a bright one that Amber.
Blakeney: All I remember was that she was in Radio Sales, which means she’s either been hit on, or slept with, every other sleazy male sales rep in her office. It’s a given. That’s what male radio sales reps do.
Tina: She brought a fortune cookie with her that read “Your dreams become a reality”. Tina is Asian by the way. Just thought you should know that.
Stephanie: The “hanus” looking girl that was given the first impression rose. So she’s safe for the first rose ceremony. Can’t say that about her virginity though. For whatever reason, I think she’s slept with all of South Carolina. That’s my first impression.
Tessa: Told the worst joke ever to break the tension. “Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other, “It’s hot in here”, and the other muffin says, “Oh my God! A talking muffin!” Ba-dum-bump. Thank you everyone. Tessa will be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress.
Kate: Kate made quite an impression on all of us because she was the only one of the women nice enough to wear a stripper dress on the first night. If that thing were any higher, it would’ve been a blouse.
Linda: She had giant bush baby eyes like that kid on “American Idol”. So she’ll be referred to as “Bush Baby”, at least until the end of the episode.
-So now we move into the mansion for a night of mingling, drinking, socializing, back handsprings, bickering, and more drinking. Stephanie, our first impression rose girl, is pretty happy about her rose. “I plan on getting rose after rose after rose til I get a ring on this finger.” Oh boy. Calm down Stephanie. I think it’s safe to say that Stephanie is not the one he ends up proposing to later on. And frankly, I’m still wondering who she slept with to get that first impression rose. I mean, every girl who walked up to Mr. USA was smiling and said something nice (or told a horrible, corny joke), so what made Stephanie stand out? I’m still scratching my head on that one. And apparently so is Lindsay. Lindsay is a 22 year old student from Kansas who’s as ugly as sin, but somehow was judging Stephanie. Interesting dynamic. More on Lindsay later.
-Bevin is someone who made an impression on The Patriot because she said she likes to mix it up a little bit. “You’re gonna like me cuz I like to get beat up.” Oh I bet you do, honey. And I’m certain Lance Armstrong will have no problem beating that up. I think Bevin could be around for a while. She’s cute, seems to be his type, already pretty much admitted to wanting to have sex with him, and well, her name is Bevin. I can’t say I’ve ever even heard that name before. Bevin? Is that short for something? Is it a nickname? Bevin Baldwin? Yucko.
-Tina, the Asian fortune cookie, probably had the line of the night. “I know I’m not the prettiest girl here and I don’t have the prettiest dress on…..” Just stop right there honey. You said it all. “….so I need to do something that will make me stand out.” So what does she do? She pulls her best Sanjaya Malakar impression, and sings the Star Spangled Banner for the 5th Baldwin brother. It brings him to tears. I was crying too. From laughter. Tina, I have a fortune for you: “One who sings horribly, does not get in Andys pants. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Namaste.”
-Lt. Perfect McPerfectstein has said some variation of this same phrase at least three times tonight and its really bothering me. He keeps saying that these women are not only gorgeous, but they’re intelligent, and they’re career minded. I know I’ve forgotten a lot about past seasons, but based off first impressions, this is probably the least attractive cast of 25 women they’ve had in some time. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cute ones, but there were no knockouts that I saw. But maybe I wasn’t paying attention and was so jaded by Andy’s lack of mistakes he’s ever made in his life, that I didn’t look closely enough. Maybe they’ll look better partially clothed. Or in a hot tub. But judging a book by its cover, I was not impressed for what its worth. Which isn’t much. I’m just being Mr. Shallow now. Don’t mind me.
-Another girl that Abs of Steel talked to was Danielle. I think she said she only had 2 serious boyfriends in her life and she believes in fate because one of those ex’s recently passed away. Mr. Red, White, and Blue says that he had an Uncle Tom who just died of pancreatic cancer, so I guess that means they have something in common? Didn’t quite understand that one. You had an ex-boyfriend who died, and he had an uncle that did. Ummmm, ok. Whatever. The point of them showing this was, once again, to make Andy look like the male version of Angelina Jolie. Apparently he’s also set up a scholarship in his Uncle’s na