Archive for May, 2007
-So like previous Bachelor finale columns, this one will be a tad shorter since: a) there was a lot of fast forwarding done while watching it, b) there was a lot of fluffiness to the episode, and c) anyone who’s gone on the internet at all in the last three weeks could find out he picked Tessa. So in that sense, it was pretty anti-climactic. However, the finale was not without its cheesy moments, it’s utter ridiculousness, and without its crying. And crying. And more crying. I think even Host Chris cried. He and Andy must’ve had a moment their when they put their head on each others shoulders, got a good strong cry in, with Host Chris telling him, “I wish I could quit you.” Or something like that. Let’s get to the condensed version. I’ll definitely have a little to talk about tomorrow as well since the “After the Final Rose” is airing tonight. Did they even promote that? I fast forwarded a lot tonight, but I don’t remember seeing a commercial for that. Well, it’s airing tonight, so be sure to watch it. More sappiness.
-So each girl visited Andy’s home in Lancaster, PA. His mom, dad, grandfather, grandmother, and sister were there to grill each of them. Dad looks like Pat Buchanan, and grandpa must’ve been an interrogator in a previous life the way he shot questions at each girl. Way to go, old man. Andy’s mom, Cynthia, is definitely ready to marry off her son. Cynthia: “I have sensed that Andy’s ready to have a partner for a while now.” Yes, and his name is Gatsby. Or “Mitch Thrower” if you want to look him up on Wikipedia. That Mitch “Gatsby” Thrower sure has accomplished a lot in his life. If you can actually trust Wikipedia. And who can’t trust such a liable creation like that? I think I’ve seen different variations of my name appear on Wikipedia. Pretty cool how people can just write whatever they want about you with no repercussions. Hey, that’s basically what this column is.
-Cynthia is blown away by Tessa: “Forgive me Tessa for staring at you. You’re just so beautiful.” Hey, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong she is. Tessa’s cute. Beautiful? That might be pushing it a bit. But Cynthia can’t stop her gushing. “Tessa’s bright, poised, very natural, and real.” Um, ok. You can stop now, mom. Just because she’s your future daughter-in-law, doesn’t mean you have to shower her with compliments right now. Take it easy. You’ve known her for 12 minutes. Easy there.
-Andy’s grandpa is a horny old coot. After Tessa leaves the room, gramps gives his thoughts to Andy on the tail that he just brought home. “Back in my day, she would’ve appealed to me too.” Wow. Calm down, old man. I don’t think Viagara works on 80 year olds. Does it? Maybe it does. That’s the only way Hef would be able to pleasure Holly I would imagine. You know, since Kendra and the other chick are too busy having sex with each other. Just someone tell Andy’s grandpa to be careful. Too much blood flow to one region for a man his age can really cause some serious damage. Keep it in your pants, pappy. This one is Andy’s.
-Andy makes his parents share how they met each other, since they’ve been married 36 years, and I guess we’re all supposed to bow down to them or something. Andy’s dad tells the story of how his roommate was dating Andy’s mom’s soon-to-be roommate. It was a double date, they met at the library in the reference section, and he claims it was love at first site. Cynthia says “It took me a while to warm up to you.” I can’t see why. Especially if he had the charm and personality and humor that he handed down to his son. Im surprised you to didn’t go at it right there by the Dewey Decimal system. Do they even have that anymore? I haven’t been in college in 10 years, and frankly, I’ve had no reason to visit a library since I left school. And to be honest, I had no reason to go the library while I was in school either. Do they still have microfilm at the library?
-Grandpa seems to be very interested in asking each of the ladies what religion they were brought up. Since Andy comes from a very conservative, boring, bland, vanilla background, they’re family is not interested in someone who’s wild and crazy and likes to have sex in multiple positions. They are strictly a missionary family. Tessa says she was born and raised Catholic since she was young but hasn’t been practicing. Oh I bet she hasn’t. Little horndog. Are there any Catholics who are actually “practicing” Catholics? I’m certainly not. And frankly, I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Bad boy, I know. Hey, I went to church two Sundays ago. Does that count for anything? No? Oh, ok. Well, I tried.
-Bevin immediately knows her past divorce and tramp stamp might not sit well with the fams. “I know they’re pretty conservative. I just hope I can fit in with them.” Yeah, don’t bank on it, honey. Go over there to religious gramps, give him a big hug, then ask him what he thinks of the lower back tattoo. See if he has a heart attack right on the spot or if doesn’t kick in until you leave. You’re gonna hold off on the tattoo? Ok, then just tell him what project you’re working on for your job right now. Bevin: “I’m actually studying the libido of women who are going through menopause.” Yeah, that’ll drive em’ away. Mom: “I think I’m gonna go start dinner now.” That’s some fascinating project Bevin is working on there. So many times I’ve lost sleep at night staying up trying to figure out why those 55 year old women that I’m constantly hitting on never want to give it up to me. So frustrating. Please Bevin, send me your results. I need to know if its me or just that they have the sex drive of a walnut.
-Grandpa is at it again with the religion question. And Bevin’s answer practically does put him into cardiac arrest.
Bevin: “Well, my parents raised me in the Bahai faith.”
Gramps: “HAH?”
Bevin: “The Bahai faith. We believe in the equality of all people and that sort of thing.”
Ah yes, thank you for the clearer description of what the hell kind of religion that is. “….and that sort of thing?” Good job there. I’m sure they were completely sold after that. I’ve heard of most religions before- I couldn’t tell you what most of them believe in- but I’ve heard of a lot of religions. I had never even heard in passing conversation before of the Bahai faith. Is it derived from Scientology? Will Tom Cruise be arguing with Matt Lauer over it anytime soon? I sure hope so.
-Bevin tells Andy’s family that the moment that she fell for him was during the 3rd rose ceremony. Uh honey, they have no idea about the 3rd rose ceremony. That doesn’t mean anything to them. They weren’t there. Bevin: “When Andy pulled my hair behind my ear well, basically, I felt all mushy inside.” Man, it does not take much to pleasure Bevin apparently. Pull her hair back behind her ears and she might as well just throw her legs in the air, because its on like Donkey Kong. And you knew that the editing crew needed to get that clip in there since at the final rose ceremony, Andy pulls Bevin’s hair behind her ear making everyone think he might pick her. Nope. It was just windy. Damn. That was cold. Might as well have just said, “Psyche!” while you were at it, Andy.
-After the girls leave, it’s just Andy and his family left to gossip about each of the girls. Andy’s mom thinks Andy’s is more connected to Bevin. Clue #1 that Bevin wasn’t getting picked. Well, technically that would’ve been Clue #2. Clue #1 should’ve been the reports on the internet for the last month that Andy picked Tessa. But mom definitely thinks Andy is more connected with Bevin probably because of the new phrase Andy threw out tonight, and that was their “electric connection”. Well, let’s just be thankful where we only have one more episode where the word “connection” will be thrown around. Only a 4 month break before we start hearing that stupid word again. Andy really seems to be into the whole electrical thing with Bevin. Don’t know what that means. Maybe it’s just that there connection is as strong as an electrical current. Or that they need batteries to show their love for each other.
-So Andy gets a last date with Bevin in Hawaii. He takes her on a helicopter that, frankly, she couldn’t stop freaking out over. Kind of annoying. Apparently she doesn’t like flying. And helicopters scared her even more. But man I wish he could’ve put a muzzle on her or something. That was rough. You know what I noticed Andy does a lot? He likes picking his girls up and swinging them around. Now, maybe I’m going to be incriminating myself when I say this, but what the hell? I’ve been in love before. I’ve had girlfriends before. However, I don’t think I’ve ever once picked up my girlfriend and swung her around. Is that why I’m single? Is that what’s been missing from my repertoire this whole time? I haven’t perfected the “picking-her-up-and-swinging-her-around” affectionate hug yet? Hmmmm….maybe I should try that and see what happens. Don’t most women not like being picked up? Isn’t it some form of vulnerability that they don’t like? Or am I missing something?
-During Bevin’s date, Andy pretty much forces her to tell him if this is what she wants. You know, moving to Hawaii, being the girlfriend of a military man, and never getting to the altar with him. She’s sold. Bevin: “This is what I want. I want this with you.” Well, at least Andy knew he had one “yes” to fall back on in case he couldn’t get any answers out of Tessa. Good ploy, Andy. I’m sure you completely blindsided Bevin with that one. Yep, you did. Bevin: “Andy and I are on the same page. And I’ve never been like that with anyone before.” Oh c’mon, honey. I don’t ex-hubby Pablo would be too pleased to hear that. You are just spitting in the face of Pablo and your 5 year marriage when you say something as ridiculous as that. You’ve known the guy six weeks for christ sakes. Shutup.
-Bevin buys Andy a gift to show her love for him. It’s an underwater watch that he can wear when their making out in the Jacuzzi. Why’d she get him the watch? Well, for one, he got her a watch earlier this season, which I had totally forgotten. Probably for lack of giving a crap. But also because she “wishes that I can make this moment stand still.” And the watch represented the time standing still. Get it? I did. And tears streamed down my face like a child who just fell off his bike. Yes, it was quite a touching moment to say the least. Time. Standing still. A watch. Breathtaking really.
-And if you thought that put me to tears, this next exchange almost had me balled up in the fetal position.
Bevin: “Lt. Andrew James Baldwin. I love you.”
Andy: “You serious?”
Bevin: “I’m dead serious.”
Bevin even says to the camera, “there’s no chance in hell I’ll be without a rose at the final rose ceremony.” That was probably Clue #3 she wasn’t winning. Usually someone who’s that confident gets put back in their place. Good effort though, Bevin. Thanks for playing. There are some nice parting gifts for you in the limo. Some lotions, perfumes, soaps, a relationship book, a teddy bear, some Bon Bons, a vibrator - you know - all the essentials a single woman needs as she heads back home to enjoy single hood, divorcee style.
-Tessa’s final date in Hawaii wasn’t nearly as exciting. This is where I started the majority of my fast forwarding. So I apologize if I missed anything important while they were riding on the backs of horses. I’m sure that was riveting television. Back at the hotel, she tells him, “I feel like when I’m with you…..it’s just right.” Awwwwww dammit! You don’t know how bad I wanted her to tell him that when she’s with him, she feels that time stands still. How cool would that have been? And then she presents him with another watch that he could wear on his other wrist. And then he could’ve pretended that Bevin didn’t say the same exact thing to him the night before and buy him the same exact gift. Darn. The good times we missed out on.
-She did buy him a gift though attached with a card. After he read the card, I think I fast forwarded because I didn’t write down in my notes here what the gift was. Oops. Like it matters. She could’ve given him a seashell that she found 20 seconds before he walked in the door and he was still picking her. But the card was very sincere. It read something like: “You’re the best thing that could’ve come into my life right now…..Don’t want to continue this without you…..Don’t want to go back to the life I was living before I met you.” Whoa. Can we get an explanation on that? What did that mean? Was she a homeless person? A prostitute? Drug addict? Who says that unless they were a panhandler or running from the law? That was a very curious statement to make to your future husband.
-The next 15 minutes was wasted on Andy going to buy the ring and the girls putting their makeup and dresses on and crying. A lot. Andy chose between a emerald cut diamond ring, a cushion cut diamond ring, or a round cut diamond. He chose the round. And the minute he picked it, I started going with the “30 second skip” on Tivo. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon…let’s get a move on here. Don’t need to see all this pomp and circumstance. Let’s get to the good stuff. Dump the one you told you loved yesterday and let’s see her reaction. Bevin is in for a rude awakening I tell ya’. I surely wouldn’t want to be her right about now. For as much grief as I give the Bachelors on this show, I say it every finale, and I’ll continue to say it. I give them credit for somehow managing to dump these girls right to their face on national television. I certainly couldn’t do it. Then again, I wouldn’t do the show to begin with, but that’s another story for another day. I do not envy the position Andy is in by any means. Especially when the chick youre dumping has the ability to body slam you into the pool.
-Time for Bevin to get punched right in the gut. Andy: “You are so beautiful…..electric connection….courage and strength….open up to me….I love you too….finest line between somebody I love and somebody I love (wait, did he just drop the “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” line on her?)….hardest decision I’ve ever had to make….this is not a rejection (It’s not? Then what exactly would it be? A proposal?)…There’s somebody who’s touched my heart deeper (Ouch. That’s gotta sting a little bit)…..and I….(sniff, sniff)…you’re beyond amazing. You need to know that…..” Wow. Tough times. That was not pleasant to watch. I seriously thought Bevin was going to slug him right in the face. The look in her eyes made me think she’d do something crazy. One last time before he put her in the limo. “I will never, ever forget you. O.k.?” I don’t think Bevin ever uttered a word back to him.
-In the limo, Bevin starts throwing the pity party for herself. “I should’ve known this is how it was gonna end….I said things to him I normally don’t say to guys…..I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me….love somebody and they don’t love you back….it’s painful….This happens to me all the time….story of my life.” Huh? You go on reality shows all the time, make it to the final two, and get dumped? This happens to you all the time? Were you on “Flavor of Love” or something? I wonder why guys keep dumping Bevin according to her? Hmmmm….someone needs to get to the bottom of this. Bevin Nicole Powers, you will find your man someday. I guarantee it. Why don’t you give Pablo a call for some ex sex? I’m sure he’d be down after you dissed him on national television. Give it a try.
-Tessa’s up. Time to bring us to the moment we’ve all been waiting for since she told that corny ass joke the first night out of the limo. “You’re everything I’ve been looking for…..elegant, sophisticated….feel like a king….so much in common….you know what’s special about today? It’s just you and me now…..I’ve always imagined this day…it’s beyond my wildest dreams….Will you marry me?” Tessa said yes. Let the countdown begin before these two break up. I give it 3 months. And that might be a little generous. I would be SHOCKED if these two got married. SHOCKED. But hey, let them enjoy their little moment in the sun, let them rub it in Bevin’s face in the “After the Final Rose” show tonight, and I’ll be back tomorrow with my closing thoughts. Until then….
The Bachelor Links
May 21st, 2007
-You know, just when you think you’ve heard enough about the whole Amber/Principal/resignation story, now comes this: Apparently the principal is having 2nd thoughts….again. First, she was reassigned to a different school, and decided to take it. Then changed her mind and said, “Screw you, I’m not going anywhere, you can fire me, or I’m resigning, one or the other.” Well, she resigned, as I told you last week. At least so we thought. Now comes word the principal has rescinded her resignation letter. Good God. Make up your mind already. You’re the principal at a middle school. What are you raking in a year, $30-35K? I’m sure it won’t be hard to go somewhere else and make that coin. Just when you do, don’t let any of your female teachers take a leave of absence to go be on the “Coyote Ugly Search”. I’m sure some parents will find that offensive, although I don’t see why. Dancing on bars in daisy dukes for a living is definitely someone who should be looked up to. I applaud them. Especially if they’re not wearing any underwear. Way to go, Amber. You created this mess. Let’s get started….
-We start off with Andy really contemplating what a tough situation he’s currently in: Three women wanting to bone him and he not having any sexual desires for females. We get a shot of him in his elements - surfing, sitting on rocks, driving his jeep - you know, all the normal stuff we all do in the Navy. Andy: “It’s not about yachts, it’s not about sports cars, it’s about being a US Naval officer.” Really? Then why are you on the show? Couldn’t you meet someone a different way than being force fed 25 desperate women who’ve failed at love already numerous times they had to resort to reality television? Really? This is what it’s about, huh? Well, count me in as a skeptic. I certainly don’t see it. And by the rumors flying around the internet, let’s just say, the “Bachelor” streak is still intact. I know this show is geared towards females. And I know you really, truly, with all your heart, want to see some sappy love story come out of this show, but please, lower your expectations. I really hope no one out there in TV Land watches this show with the hopes that two people will fall madly in love and get married and stay together for 100 years. Please don’t tell me you do.
-So before Andy gets each of the girls on solo dates, he must show each of them separately to show them a bit of what he does. Uh oh. Here comes Andy the tour guide again. Geesh. I think they could’ve edited this part out, saved us a little time, and spared us the history lesson. But no, they didn’t. So Andy is in full Richard Gere uniform as he awaits each girl. First girl up is Bevin. Andy immediately gives her a lei and starts in on his “Pearl Harbor 101” class. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. There’s a reason I didn’t pay attention to this in 7th grade history class. Can’t these two just go rent “Pearl Harbor” for the night? Andy: “Here’s the U.S.S. Arizona….1,177 people lost their lives…” Look, I know Pearl Harbor was a historical event, and maybe there were some that had family directly, or indirectly involved in it. I just don’t need to learn about it on a reality dating show. Save it for the History Channel doing a 100 hour documentary. For me, let’s get on with the corny jokes, the divorce stories, and the hot tub scenes.
-Danielle was up next. She informs Andy that her Grandma was a nurse during Pearl Harbor. So I guess this trip means a little bit more to her than it does to others. All the more reason why she’ll be thoroughly disappointed in the end. Andy tells her about a tradition where you take the flowers off your lei and throw them in the water as a sign of peace. Or that the lei is ugly and it’s itching you. So Danielle does this and I guess all is right with the world now. There is peace. Or something like that. I was kinda dozing off at this point, so I’m sorry if my details are a little sketchy. However, you know what the best part about these scenes were? All the tourists in the background looking over at Andy showing three different chicks the same thing. I wonder what was going through their heads. “Hey, look at this man whore over there in his white suit trying to get laid. Do all these women know about each other? I’m gonna go over there and c***block him.” Man, if only someone would’ve stepped up and done that.
-Tessa’s little visit was the most interesting. Why? Because when these two were standing on the ship, or wherever the hell they were, a little girl came up beside them to throw flowers in the water. A little different from Danielle though. Danielle lightly let them float down into the water. This little girl was throwing fastballs like she was trying to spear fish with them. Very touching, missie. Have some respect. Anyway, all the while she’s chucking flowers, Andy is having a premonition. Andy: “While this little girl was right next to us, all I could think of was ‘Husband, wife, child.’” Oh boy. If only the little girl could’ve heard him say that. She might’ve jumped overboard. So last week he tells Tessa, “I want to fall in love with you”, and this week, he’s visioning them as husband and wife. With a little bratty child being a nuisance and disrespecting the deceased. Funny, I haven’t heard him speak that way about Bevin or Danielle. The internet is never wrong.
-So Tessa’s date is up first and they are going Zip lining through the rainforest. Weeeeeeeee!!!!! Tessa is a little scared, so they rock, paper, scissors to see who’s up first. Tessa goes paper, Andy goes scissors. Tessa: “Ok, you’re up.” Uh, no honey. Scissors cut paper. Can we just eliminate rock, paper, scissors as a way of deciding something once and for all? Apparently Tessa is confused and because of her rich, powerful, Washington, D.C. father, has never cut paper before with scissors. However, I don’t think my wish is going to be granted after seeing over the weekend that there is now a Rock, Paper, Scissors National Championship Tournament that ESPN televises. No joke. Let me tell you something. If you’re a guy, and you entered this tournament, there’s a good chance you will never get laid again in your life. And if you happen to be a woman who entered herself into this competition, frankly, you should not be allowed to bear children. It’s only a matter of time now before The National Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Championships come to a network near you. Count on it.
-Tessa zip lines like a spaz - kicking her legs all around like she’s twelve. This was disturbing. I really felt sorry for her. Like, maybe she did ride to school on the short yellow bus and I’m being overly critical of her. Regardless of her spastic kicking, Andy is digging it. “I totally love that rough and tumble side of Tessa. I like how she’s up for anything.” So wait, we’ve now moved from the “down and dirty” to “rough and tumble”? Isn’t that essentially the same phrase without being repetitive? Andy is a man of many words. Tessa apparently likes to rough it a bit and do a lot of tumbling. Whatever. I hope she zip lines herself right into a tree. Then we’ll see how roughing and down and tumbling and dirty she is. I think this is just Andy’s way of trying to convince us why he’s been enamored with Tessa since day one. I still don’t see it.
-Corny Joke Alert: Andy and Tessa begin walking across the very shaky suspension bridge. And the horrible metaphors couldn’t have started in any faster. “I think this bridge is a metaphor for our relationship. We need to support each other.” I saw it as a metaphor, but in quite a different way. More along the lines of there were a lot of holes in the bridge. Want some more? Well, the bridge was also very shaky. Wasn’t very stable. Had a lot of cracks in it. Didn’t know how to kiss. I could go on, but I think you get the point. If Andy and Tessa really want to point to a suspension bridge as a metaphor for their relationship, then by golly, why don’t they just call it off right now and save us a two hour finale. Please.
-It’s now night time and time for Andy and Tessa’s dinner date. I can’t remember what Tessa was wearing, but Andy definitely went Tony Manero on us with his “Saturday Night Fever” black shirt with white jacket. Are they going to the disco? Who the hell dressed him like this? It’s Hawaii pal, not Studio 57. So these two lovebirds do a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing, then some more talking, and Tessa reveals to us a little something about survival skills. Somehow the topic of conversation got on to “What would you do if you were swimming with sharks?” Don’t ask me how, it just did. Tessa’s answer: “If a shark is coming at you, you know what you do? You turn around, wind up, and then punch it in the face.” I just punched myself in the face. 10 times. I’m literally breaking out in hives watching these two trying to be cute with each other. Blech….
-Uh oh….here it comes….Andy’s reaching into his pocket….(wait for it, wait for it)…..it’s a card! Oooohhhhh! The suspense! I wonder what it says? Andy: “Before I left, Chris gave me this note. It reads: “Tessa and Andy, I hope you’re having a wonderful time in Hawaii and not boring the viewing audience at home. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key as a token of our appreciation, to boink as a couple in our fantasy suite with soundproof walls.” Andy then went Joey Tribbiani when asking, “So whaddya’ say?” Wait a second, didn’t all the teases up to this point hint that maybe Tessa was having 2nd thoughts about staying the night? A brilliant editing job by the folks at ABC. Bravo. Tessa’s answer almost came out of her mouth before Andy finished his sentence. “There’s nothing in the world that’d make me happier.” Oh yes there is. Spending the night with a straight man would probably be a good start.
-So Tessa admits to us that she is falling in love with Andy. Sure she is. She’s not falling in love with being in Hawaii, or getting to wear $2 million of jewelry, or going on lavish dates, or going zip lining in rain forests, or drinking champagne in a bubble bath…..no, she’s totally past all that. She’s just in love with Andy. Because he’s so charming and endearing and personable and…..ok, that’s enough. Stop rolling the cameras. How about you two head on over to the Olive Garden in jeans and flip flops, get horrible service by your waiter, get stiffed on your breadsticks, and having a crying baby at the table next to you, then tell me if you’re falling in love with Andy. My guess? No. This show really tugs at your heart strings, doesn’t it? I just cannot for the life of me pretend for a millisecond that this show will ever produce anything substantial. Both the success stories they’ve had have BIG asterisks next to them. Trista and Ryan. That’s not a normal relationship. Why? Because we refer to them as Trista and Ryan. Trista is ALWAYS first in that relationship. He’s just her lap dog, so that doesn’t count. Byron and Mary? Hell, Byron’s 40 and Mary’s biological clock is ticking. I would hope these two get married. And is there a reason they’ve been engaged for like two years and still haven’t tied the knot? I’m just waiting for this one to send out a press release any day now with the term “mutually decided to part ways” in there.
-Danielle’s turn to visit Andy in his element. They go out on a boat and look at the dolphins and hump back whales having sex in the water. That was fun. Danielle: “I think dolphins are one of my favorite animals.” Awwww….so Danielle watched “Flipper” growing up. How cute. So did I. How come Flipper made the exact same sound every time they asked him a question? And I forgot, but what was the point of that show? It was always as if because of Flipper, problems got solved. But how could they if he’s in the water all the time and they’re on land? If little Tommy was having girl problems, exactly how did some dolphin help him? Or if little pig tailed girl got yelled at by dad, somehow Flipper made it all better. What a confusing show for young children. “Dolphins can be your friend.” Really? Well, not if you don’t live near the ocean they can’t. Exactly what can a dolphin do for me if I’m growing up in the suburbs of Orange County? Gimmie a more realistic show like “Gentle Ben”. You know, where the big, giant, grizzly bear can become your BFF.
-Danielle and Andy start in on some deep conversation. And when I say “deep”, I mean “dead ex-boyfriend” stuff. Although I don’t remember this from earlier in the season, apparently Danielle had told Andy about a psychic that she recently visited who told her that after her ex’s death, she will have two more serious relationships, then the third one will be the one. And by golly, wouldn’t you know, since her ex’s demise, Danielle has had two serious relationships that have ended, and Andy is #3. Oh honey. I’m so sorry. In case you haven’t heard my rant on psychics, well, just stick around for the next couple of paragraphs. “Love lift us up where we belong…..” If last night wasn’t a prime example of why anyone who spends five cents on psychic is wasting their money, then I don’t know what else to tell you. Oh yes, I do. I’m officially opening up a service now where you give me $500, I open up a deck of cards, flip a couple over, then run some B.S. at you about what’s gonna happen in your life.
-So for their dinner date, Andy has added a third chair because he’s brought in a local Hawaiian psychic to get Danielle’s hopes up and feed her tons of hogwash. And when I say “local Hawaiian psychic”, I mean, “the crazy woman over at Venice beach that the ABC crew flew over to the islands on their dime”. The psychic immediately starts in with her load of crap. “I’m not going to be telling you about your future…I’m just going to give you clarity on your present.” Really? You’re not? You mean, you can’t see into the future and tell us things before they happen like Desmond? I’ll be damned. A honest psychic. So this psychic somehow, by use of a 52 card deck of playing cards, can tell Danielle’s state of mind. I honestly feel insulted by watching this sh**. “There’s a lot of nuturing going on in your life….from now on, something new is entering your life….wonderful communicator….there’s some sadness left from some losses in the past…a little apprehension you may be having…” Wooooooooooooowwwwww!!!!! She’s good. She said exactly what the producers told her to say, word for word. That’s the sign of a good psychic.
-Look, let me tell you what a fraud this woman, or any psychic is, for that matter. So lady psychic says she can tell a lot about Danielle’s current state of mind by opening up her deck of cards, then just flipping some over, right? Ok, how about when she’s done with that session, she puts all the cards back in the deck, shuffles them, then re-flips the cards over for Danielle. Now you’re telling me it’s going to be exactly the same? That the same eight of hearts, and Queen of spades, and Jack of diamonds, will all show up in the same formation as the first time she did it? Of course not. But you can bet your ass no matter what cards she flips over a 2nd time, the same load of horse manure will come spewing out of her mouth. Before my blood pressure reaches 300 over 50 (is that even possible?), let’s just stop. If you pay money to have a psychic tell you anything, you are not a smart individual. I’ll just leave it at that.
-Andy asks psychic lady, “Will I be engaged in a week?” She runs some crap back to him about letting love decide rather than letting fear decide. This is very powerful to Andy. And of course, this dillweed acts as if this is some bit of advice that he couldn’t have gotten from anywhere else. Not even Tina’s fortune cookies. This show is really coming to a grinding halt, and fast. Time for Andy to bust out the bent card from Host Chris that he scrunched up in his back pocket all day. “Andy and Danielle, I hope you’re having a wonderful time in Hawaii and not buying any of that bogus nonsense the psychic we paid has to say. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite, where you can use the psychic’s same deck of cards to play a few games of Texas Hold Em’. And have sex.”
-Time for Andy and Bevin’s date in the wilderness. Andy: “I love Bevin’s sense of adventure.” Is she more of a rough and tumbler than Tessa is? I’d say so. So these two begin kayaking down the beautiful brown water. Looked like they were on the “Jungle Cruise” at Disneyland. I was waiting for some fake hippo to pop out of the water and scare them. But Bevin is right in her element. “I love being alone in the wilderness.” That didn’t make much sense. We all know Bevin liked to take her high school boyfriends out into the woods for some slurpy slurpy. You know, the older guy, with the pickup truck and a mullet, laying out the sleeping bag, blasting a little Warrant or Whitesnake while making babies in the back of the truck. Man I wish we could see a picture of Bevin’s ex-husband. C’mon. Someone’s got to know him. Someone’s gotta at least draw a picture of him or something, don’t they? And I’d love to see any wedding photos if possible please.
-After kayaking, Andy turns into Mr. Question Man to Bevin. In succession, he asks five rapid fire questions, barely giving her time to answer. They were:
“Isn’t this paradise?”
“Wouldn’t you love to live here?”
“Would you like to live here?”
“Would you love to live here?”
“Would you love to live here with me?”
Ummmm, Andy. Aren’t four of those questions pretty much exactly alike? Exactly what answer were you looking for? Quit fishing for compliments. It’s unbecoming of a Naval Officer. Now I’m only going to ask this one last time…..“DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED????!!!!!!!”
-These two are now about to go cliff diving and rip off the scene from “Cocktail” where the then sane Tom Cruise makes out under the waterfall with the smoking hot Elizabeth Shue. My oh my, how times have changed. Now, we all knew Bevin had the tattoo on the back of her shoulder, but now with her bikini on, we see she also has the patented, “I’m-from-Seattle-and-rebelled-against-my-parents-by-getting-married-early-and-getting-the-tramp-stamp-on-my-lower-back” tattoo. Seeing that Bevin has a tramp stamp was about as surprising as, well, nothing. Bevin is giddy. “I have never met another guy like Andy in my life.” Except for that one guy you were once married to. You know, the one who you exchanged vows with and said “til’ death do us part”. You know, that guy? So quit you’re lying.
-Andy is very excited about he and Bevin’s dinner date because “I’m not sure if I’ve gotten to know her on a deeper level.” Oh, don’t worry. You will. She’s very slutty. So these two head on over to a mini Luau where they watch a fire dancer. Now, I’ve been to a Luau before. And I’ve seen fire dancers before. I remember them being big, hulking, muscular Samoan guys. Was there not enough money in the ABC budget that they had to bring in this 45 year old white, balding, guy with the beer gut? I’m shocked he didn’t use that thing as a shish kebab. Andy is right on point with Corny Joke #2 for the night: “For lack of a better term, that was hot.” I have a request. Can someone take that stick of fire that fatso is playing with there and go spear Andy with it?
-Time for Andy to whip it out. The card from Host Chris, that is. “Andy and Bevin, I hope you’re having a wonderful time at your Luau watching Fatty McFat Boy jiggle his belly for you. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite, where you may try and give Bevin the big “O” she’s been waiting for the last six weeks.” Bevin: “I definitely want to accept the fantasy suite offer, in the hopes that we can continue the conversation, and you can get to know to me better. There’s definitely passion there, but I want to also build the other aspect of our relationship.” I’m dead serious, she said that. I even paused and rewound the Tivo three times to make sure I got it word for word. She actually asked to use the fantasy suite as a place to continue their “conversation about getting to know each other better.” If it was possible for Andy to get a hard on for a woman, he just lost it. Nothing will deflate the balloon more than going to the “let’s just talk” card. Oye.
-Andy is really, really confused right now. He has three women, and two roses, and has no idea who he’s sending home. So he does what anyone would do who’s in his situation, he calls on his best friend to help him out. Or in this case, his lover. Finally. Seven episodes in, and we finally get to meet Andy’s life partner, Gatsby. Yes, Gatsby. His parents must’ve been huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fans to embarrass their son with a name like that. God help them. So, even though “To Kill a Mockingbird” hasn’t met, seen, emailed, texted, or spoken to any one of these three women, he’s somehow supposed to help Andy with his decision? Explain to me how that works? And c’mon, isn’t “Great Expectations” a little biased here? You know, being Andy’s lover and all? Are we really expecting him to be objective in this situation? I mean, please. Let’s be real here. “Of Mice and Men” is there for one reason and one reason only. Butt sex. Andy is tense. He’s there to loosen him up. And I can’t believe I just insinuated that. Well, yes I can.
-Andy and the Great Gatsby really accomplish nothing other than a wasted 10 minute segment, so now it’s on to the Rose Ceremony. This is where Host Chris just plays chauffeur escorting the ladies from the car to the little spot on the ground where the “X” is. He knows he has no lines tonight, so he has to justify receiving a paycheck for this somehow. Andy: “Amazing few days…..any man would be thrilled to have any of you by his side….I have two roses towards finding love…..whichever one of you doesn’t receive one, I suggest you re-activate your E-Harmony account when you get back to the mainland.”
Bevin: I want Bevin to win now, so when they’re on the altar, and they ask, “If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now, or forever hold your peace”, her ex-hubby can pop out of nowhere and cause a scene. It won’t happen. Cuz she’s doesn’t win.
Tessa: You know what would be crazy? Is if Tessa rejects Andy’s proposal, but they still remain a couple. How wild would that be?
-Time for Andy’s farewell speech to Danielle. Really not much he can say. “You’re amazing…..think the world of you….nothing I can pinpoint….just need to follow my heart.” Good. Let her go. She’s not for you anyway. Now seeing that the other two bachelorettes in my Top 3 are taken, maybe someone should float my name, number, address, social security number, and checking account information Danielle’s way. I can’t imagine that she could possibly turn down what I have to offer. Which is practically everything. And by “everything”, I mean “not much at all”.
-Danielle: “I have trouble thinking about not seeing some that I care about ever again…..At least this time I had a little closure.” Whoa. That’s rough. Hey, remember the psychic Danielle saw before she came on the show? The one who told her she’d have two serious relationships after her ex’s death, and then the third one would be the one? And Andy was #3. Remember that? WRONG! And hey, remember the psychic her and Andy saw on this date, and she told her all those nice and sweet things to make Danielle think that this was really going to work out with Andy? Remember her? WRONG! I hope there’s not a single psychic that is still in business after last night’s show.
-Yet another reason why I like Danielle. Did you catch her goodbye in the limo? One of the better ones we’ve seen. Yeah, she was crying, but she wasn’t blubbering on and on and on about how it didn’t make any sense to her, and she had her heart broken, and she didn’t understand how Andy could let her go, and yada, yada, yada. Especially for being the second runner up. She handled it very well. Kind of like, “Oh well. There are bigger and better fish in the sea.” You bet your ass there is, honey.
-Ok, finale next week. And with it being two hours, I really don’t know if I will be doing a full recap. I usually try to make it a bit shorter than usual since a lot of it is pomp and circumstance about how Andy and his bride are so in love and all that nonsense when we know they’ll eventually break up. But Dr. Reality Steve is here to help. I’ve current got three letters set to print, but I’d like a couple more. So send any questions, queries, comments, praises, criticisms, Danielle’s phone number, to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…
The Bachelor Links
May 14th, 2007
-For those that haven’t heard, it was brought up a couple weeks ago that Amber’s principal at her school got in trouble for letting Amber appear on the show, and that the principal was being reassigned to another school. Well, the principal decided to quit outright, rather than be relegated to caving in to the school district and going somewhere else. Please. I don’t get why that’s such a big deal. However, with that said, I’m still surprised Amber kept her job. I mean, if you’re gonna fire one, you gotta fire the other, don’t you? Makes no sense to me. Either discipline them both, or don’t discipline either of them. I wouldn’t do anything because the whole thing is ridiculous, but, since they’ve let the principal go, I think you gotta do something to Amber. But hey, I don’t work for the school district. Not my call. Remind me never to go work for the Sugar Land school district. What a bunch of hard asses. Ok, let’s begin…
-The show starts off in very dramatic fashion - Andy driving his $1 billion car around town in his burnt orange leather jacket. The coolness is just oozing from my television set. If I only had an Oingo Boingo poster on the wall and “Take my Breath Away” was playing in the background could this scene be set any better. Andy gives us his thoughts on the four remaining women…
Tessa: “I knew from the beginning, Tessa was a dynamic woman.” How? The first sentence out of her mouth to you was some lame ass joke about two muffins talking to each other in the oven. Tessa’s downside is that she hasn’t opened up like the other girls and seems a bit skeptical. Uhhhh, yeah. Just wait til you get to D.C., Andy. Skeptical is that family’s middle name. And her best friend might be in the F.B.I. the way she’s investigating Andy’s motives.
Danielle: Yet again, Andy informs us as he did last week that Danielle is the “most invested of all the girls left. I feel her heart so much when I talk to her.” And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know this, both of them had a tragic loss in their life. She lost an ex-boyfriend while in bed, and he lost an uncle or something. But Andy is trying to figure out if he and Danielle are just friends or lifelong partners. No, you and your college buddy that watch “Heat” together on your date are lifelong partners. Danielle is just a girl on this show. Don’t worry, when you read the latest “Dr. Reality Steve” letters, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yes, I’ve finally put them up. They appear right after this column.
Amber: “I can’t get over the fact that she’s only 23. I really don’t date younger women.” Please, Andy. Don’t be so judgmental. Keep an open mind. Just wait til you get to Sugar Land, Texas to meet her big, huge, fun-filled family. Then that’ll really change your mind. That would consist of one of the more dingiest friends you’ll ever meet and some random Aunt they seemed to force to show up. Good times.
Bevin: “Every time I see her, I feel this current. I’m constantly impressed with Bevin, the athletic side, her interaction with children….it just gets better and better with Bevin.” Funny how for the first three girls, he made sure he listed one red flag about them, but for Bevin, she was the most perfect woman ever. No flaws whatsoever. Except for that minor little detail she’s about to drop on him in Seattle, you know, where she went off and got married as a teen. He might lose his hard on over that one. Be careful.
-Bevin is waiting for him in Seattle and jumps in his arms and straddles him when he arrives. Definitely a sign of things to come, if you ask me. And because Andy is giddy that a female is straddling him, he lets his first cheesy line since, well, last week. “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh shut the hell up. Couldn’t you think of a better line than that? How about “She’s keeping something secret, I think her ex husbands name was Evan, what a lying bitch, that’s what I think of Bevin.” There. Much better. Bevin takes him to some waterfalls she used to hang at when she was a kid. Andy: “So I’m the first boy you brought to the waterfall.” Uhhhh, not quite pal. See those rocks over there under the waterfall? See what a great view it is over there and how romantic it is? Yeah, Bevin went down on her ex husband over there on numerous occasions. Take that.
-So its time to spill the beans to Andy. Bevin is really nervous. And crying. That’s kind of a theme for this whole hometown visit - Bevin crying. A lot. Here she goes: “We’ve all had a past….when I was a teenager, I was very stubborn….did stuff my parents didn’t want me to do….I was married….it didn’t last long….it shaped me….made me who I am….I’m stronger for it….I know now what it takes to make relationships work….” On and on and on she went with the divorcee mantra. Just once, I want to hear someone who got married early and divorced say, “You know, for the life of me, I absolutely did the right thing. And I haven’t learned a damn thing from that marriage. I am by far a worse person now than before I married that man. I’m a complete mess and have no idea what its like to be in a meaningful relationship. Hope you can deal with that.” I guess if you’re divorced, all you can really say is how much you learned from it. Otherwise, whoever you’re with, you’re probably not going to be with much longer. Yay divorced people. Is there like a mass email that passed around among divorcees that all say the same thing about what to say when talking about your divorce? Just curious.
-Bevin was very emotional after telling Andy about her failed marriage. I was thoroughly disappointed we didn’t get any more details on this breakup. All we know is she’s 28, she’s been divorced for six years, and she married him in her teens. It didn’t last very long and she did it against her parents wishes. Showing obviously what a great family person Bevin really is. Kind of ironic that this was the same girl last week crying to Amber telling her how she just couldn’t believe that the guy she’s dating has an interest in a 23 year old because they don’t know what they want. Yet here’s Bevin the Magnificent eloping in her teens and is divorced by 22. Yep, she’s the whole package all right. I just hope Andy can see through all this mess and look at her only as the emotional train wreck that she is.
-So we get to meet Bevins family: Mom Ahh-na, Step mom Vicki, sister Ohh-na, and Dad Ken. Sisters Bevin and Ohh-na look alike. And the parents were obviously on something when naming their children. Ahh-na and Ohh-na. How cute. Not really. Andy brings Ahh-na flowers and coffee from Hawaii and tells the parents what an amazing daughter they have. This after just finding out from the amazing daughter that she went against her parents wishes as a teenager and married young. I think Andy is still in a state of denial that Bevin did that. It’s like he’s really wanting to forget another man once carried her up to the suite on their honeymoon night and had monkey sex with her. How will Andy duplicate something like that? Especially since he has no clue what to do with a woman? I think this is going to be a major sticking point with Andy.
-Sister Ohh-na asks, “Where does it go from here?” Andy: “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her? I mean, if I propose, is she just gonna marry me then divorce me in a few years? Is that how it works in this family? Because if it is, I don’t want to be a part of this. None of it! I’m leaving.” Ok, he didn’t really say that. But boy would that have been a hoot if he did. Bevins mom, touched by all Andy has had to offer at this point which was basically nothing, gives them a painting of the Northwest, then hugged Andy. Yeah, Bevin cried. This means a lot to her. Because the ex-hubby never got such a gracious gift before. He was relegated to sleeping by himself on the couch during family weekend visits, and wasn’t allowed to touch their daughter in their home. So you can see why mom is so happy with Bevins new boyfriend. He wants no part of touching her inappropriately.
-Bevin goes off to talk with her dad. Dad: “Do you love him?” Bevin: “I like him, I can’t lie. When would I ever meet someone like that?” Bevin’s crying again. Her emotional fuse is about an 1/8th of an inch long, in case you haven’t noticed. Even dad is getting in on the act now. He’s welling up with just the thought of his daughter marrying this bohunk. Dad: “Bevin’s tired of getting her heart broken.” Oh yeah, well that’s life, pops. It happens. Won’t be her first, won’t be her last. Maybe it’ll toughen her up for future relationships. A very touching moment with Bevin and her dad is ruined when Andy comes in and starts laughing at them. Oh wait, that was me. Sorry. On his way out, Andy makes sure he tells the family what he thinks of Bevin. “You have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.” Three wonderfuls? Really? What, one for each family member? What makes her three “wonderfuls” worthy? I certainly must’ve missed something.
-Now to a more refreshing date, and that’s with Danielle in Connecticut. And within four seconds of them meeting up, we are re-introduced to the “We share something in common theme - we both had people close to us die” storyline. Hey, at least she didn’t drop any divorce bombs on him this trip. He can finally stop thinking about that mess and concentrate on becoming lifelong partners with Danielle, and not just friends. Actually, that sounds like I’m rooting for these two, and I’m not. I certainly don’t want her ending up with this pud. Remember, Danielle is in my Top 3 of all time. And I figured out why. She’s attractive, she never caused any drama in the house, isn’t an emotional head case, family seems normal with normal names, and doesn’t seem to have many issues. Sure, her ex died and she keeps bringing it up. But compared to the looney bins who have appeared on this show before her, and most certainly will appear after her, she seems almost too normal for this show. And that’s why she moved into my Top 3. There. You got your reason. And I’m not ready to reveal who the third is in that group yet.
-So we meet Danielle’s dad Jim, mother Nancy, and sister Kaitlin. Danielle is very happy to be back home because, well, ummmm, that’s where she still lives. Oops. Strike one. Twenty-five year old still living at home raises a red flag, doesn’t it? Now, because she’s in my top 3, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation as to why that’s the case. I just don’t have the faintest idea what that could be. But that’s ok. That’s ok. I’m a very understanding person and will not hold that against her. I can think of one thing I will hold against her though. I completely just ruined that moment, didn’t I? Damn. Please accept my apology, Danielle. I’ll never be that crass and piggish again. I promise.
-Danielle’s dad is a very stern man, with very strong morals and principles. You can just tell by the vibe that he gives off. And that bald head with the hair on each side is kinda freaky but it shows who’s in charge here. “As a father, I’m the provider and protector….she deserves the best….she’ll give you 1000%”. Yes, sir. Don’t ever cross Mr. Imwalle. Yes, that’s Danielle’s last name. Along with Amber Alchalabi, Bevin Powers, and Tessa Horst. Whatever the case, Mr. Imwalle would like nothing better than his daughter to become the next Mrs. Lt. Danielle Baldwin. Because who wouldn’t want their name to be one syllable away from one of the worst C-list actors our entertainment industry has ever seen? Which one is Daniel Baldwin? Is he the drunk or the bible thumper? Or is he both? Whatever he is, at least he doesn’t shout down his 12 year old daughter on her voice mail. I can never look at Jack Donaghy the same.
-Danielle’s mom is concerned about her daughter moving to Hawaii. You know, because mommy still makes her a sack lunch before she heads off to work everyday. Andy knows that long distance relationships are hard, and frankly moms, you’re gonna have to give up the daughter if he proposes. Sorry. I mean, I’m sure your daughter loves being 25 and living at home with you and all, but what if she’s engaged? And her and Andy want to touch each other late at night in bed? Can she really feel comfortable with you and daddy under the same roof? That might be a little uncomfortable. And what about sis in the other room? Won’t she feel left out of the action? I’m assuming the sister lives there too since she’s younger than Danielle. Would be rather odd if the older sister was living at home and the younger sister had her own place, wouldn’t it? Whatever the case mom, as much as Danielle loves you, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind getting out of the freezing cold Connecticut to live in Hawaii. In fact, I’m guessing any resident of the state of Connecticut would jump at the chance to pretend they like Andy so they could go live in Hawaii.
-Danielle’s family loosens up a bit and starts having a little fun. And by that, I mean dad starts playing the drums and mom and sis start belly dancing with Andy. Woo hoo! This Imwalle clan really knows how to live it up, don’t they? Next thing you know, they’ll be outside roasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories with flashlights under their faces. Andy even participates in both these rip roaring activities. He plays the drums like a 6 year old, then gets up to belly dance with mom and sis, only to be warned by Danielle, “Don’t get too close to my sister.” Uh oh. A little sibling rivalry here. Something tells me Kaitlin is very familiar with big sis’ dates in the past. Maybe a little too familiar with them. Danielle can already sense that Kaitlin can’t wait to get her hands on these sloppy seconds. It may look tempting Kaitlin, but it isn’t. He’s got the personality of a paper shredder. Just bought one yesterday and its sitting right next to me. That was an easy one.
-Time for Tessa’s hometown date in D.C. Andy: “My romance with Tessa’s been a roller coaster…Tessa is a goofball like me.” So since these two are such goofballs, they do what goofballs do in the snow - throw snowballs. How cute. Didn’t see that one coming at all. If only they could’ve capped it off with dualing snow angels, would I really have wanted to stick my fist down my throat. So we get to meet mom Romana (as in Romana’s Macaroni Grill, which sounds so good right now, I think I’ll have it for lunch later today), dad Tim, sister Mercy, and BFF Samantha, the F.B.I. interrogator. Macaroni Grill’s first impression of Andy: “Wow. He is really fit and very handsome.” Easy there, Mamma mia. Just wait til you get to know him. I’m sure then you won’t be asking if he’d like fresh pepper anymore.
-Samantha the Interrogator is Tessa’s best friend from Denver. They grew up together and apparently she screened all of Tessa’s love mates before Tessa could get seriously involved with them. Here are a few of the questions that Sam the Agent grilled Andy with…
“You appear to be the perfect guy - tell us some of your faults.” - Andy said he couldn’t sing and wasn’t a good cook. Not once did he mention anything about how his year round fake baking might eventually lead to skin cancer, and how if he’s in a dark room and he smiles, you could use the rays from his teeth as a night light.
“Are you a suburb type of guy or city person?” - I don’t really remember Andy’s answer to this question, nor did I care. I’m glad Tessa’s off in her room changing into her red dress with the ruffled arms. Poor Andy getting the first degree from the best friend flown in from out of state.
“Are there any qualities the other girls have that you wish Tessa had?” - Uhhhh….errrr…..Andy? “The others are quick to show their emotions. Tessa seems to be holding hers back a bit.” Translation: If Tessa doesn’t grab my package in the fantasy suite, I think that might just be all for her. This is getting ridiculous. Bevin wants to have my children, like, tomorrow. Danielle would rather just make love to me. And Amber’s a horny 23 year old.
“Is a marriage proposal in the works for you by the end of this show?” Look Sammy, lay off the guy. Just because you ain’t getting’ any, doesn’t mean you have to rain on your BFF’s parade. Samantha now has the distinct honor of being the worst best friend ever to appear on this show, overtaking Lisa’s friend Allie from last season who not only brought over a wedding dress for her to try on, but also spilled the beans to Lorenzo about Lisa’s timeline. Allie, you’ve been replaced by Samantha. Congratulations. I’m sure Lisa forgave you. Can’t say Tessa will do the same.
-Andy and Tessa’s father are hangin’ in the kitchen shooting the breeze. Sort of. Andy: “Has Tessa brought many men back to see the family?” Dad: “A few. She’s very cautious.” Gee, don’t make Andy feel too special now, daddy. And quit being so nosey, Andy. Just because Samantha pissed you off with her out of line questioning doesn’t mean you have to take it out on poor dad. Leave him alone. He’s a big wig in D.C. He can have you tracked down and spied on. Kinda like that one movie with Will Smith and Gene Hackman, “Enemy of the State”. Tessa’s dad will have you thrown in prison quicker than you can say, “I wish ABC never flew Samantha back here for this hometown date.”
-Andy is turning red with anger, so he’s decided to turn the tables on Samantha and Tessa’s sister. And good lord, how long does it take to put on that ugly top, Tessa? How about spending some time with the guy you’re supposed to marry? Is that too much to ask? Andy: “Is this a fun escapade for Tessa or is she here for the right reasons?” I think Samantha ran upstairs crying since she wasn’t the one who got to ask the question. “Out of the four women, three I know want to be with me. I’m not leavin’ D.C. til I get an answer from Tessa.” Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I gotta give credit to Samantha for one thing, she’s the only person we’ve seen so far on this show that’s brought out any emotion in this guy. To bring Andy out of his monotonous boring voice is quite an accomplishment.
-Andy and Tessa get some alone time on her couch. Tessa: “Part of me says to go for it, and the other part of me says you’re opening yourself up to get hurt.” Ok, can we please put an end to that stupid line? People say it every season and it drives me nuts. The minute you agreed to come on this show, you were opening yourself up to get hurt. Quit making it seem like this is some new revelation. Go get her Andy. This was some good back and forth. Andy actually showed he had a pair.
Andy: “What do you want out of this?”
Tessa: “I want to fall in love.”
Andy: “With who?”
Tessa: “Isn’t it obvious?”
Andy: “I wanna hear you say it.”
Tessa: “With you.”
Andy: “Good. Cuz’ I wanna fall in love with you.”
Awwwww….why’d you have to go and blow it with that line? You suck, Andy. For a split second there, you actually displayed some semblance of being a man who didn’t take any stupid game playing tricks by your woman. Then you end it with that sappy line? Yuck. And for the record, I don’t recall Andy telling any of the other girls he wanted to fall in love with them. You know what? Good. Let these two have each other. Means Danielle is still single. Still living at home with mom, dad, and sis, but single. nonetheless. You know what I liked though about Tessa’s date, and Danielle’s for that matter? No crying. I think Tessa cried in an earlier date, but I don’t remember Danielle crying yet. Another reason I like her. I’m sure she’ll cry at some point, but at least she’s not like those two over-weepers Bevin and Amber.
-Time for Andy’s visit to Sugar Land, Texas and Amber’s school. The date I’ve been looking forward to the most and I’m immediately not disappointed when the name of the children’s school is blurred out for the camera. Probably because of those uppity parents, who had to sign a release form for their kids to be seen on the show, yet still didn’t want to be associated with it in any way, shape, or form. Makes sense. I have no idea where Sugar Land, Texas is and I don’t want to know. Makes me vomit. So Andy and Amber go into her class and Andy plays student. He raises his hand and asks a question, “Ummm teacher, will you give me a kiss?” Amber straddles him at the desk and they start making out when her class walks in and sees them, thus being scarred for life. Oh wait, no they didn’t. Oops.
-Ambers 4th grade class all get to meet Andy and get to see in person what a complete douche bag their teacher is dating. One little girl even wants to know how it happened. “How did you meet her and do you like our teacher?” Andy gives the best answer he could. “Well, I signed up for this show called the ‘Bachelor’. It’s on real late at night and your parents shouldn’t let you watch it because it’s dirty and naughty. Anyway, since the show has produced exactly one marriage to date in twelve tries, I figured I’d give it a shot. I met your teacher, she seems like she’ll put out pretty soon, so I decided I wanted to come back and see where she works. So do I like her? You bet your ass I do. And I plan on getting me some when we get back to her apartment. So how ya’ like them apples?” Or something like that.
-Ambers parents don’t approve at all of Amber meeting her potential husband like this, so they don’t want to meet Andy. Hey, they’ve seen the other seasons. Why should they? So Amber has to call her Aunt to come to meet him. No dice there, either. No reason given. She just can’t make it. What a loving, caring Aunt. Although it was pretty obvious she was gonna be the one to show up later. But for the time being, we got to meet roommate Erin and dog, Pasha. To say that Erin wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer would be an insult to knives. So why don’t we just call her The Ditz? Andy was immediately put off by Amber and her ditzy roommate. “It’s very much like a sorority atmosphere here.” So that means these two are running guys in and out of that apartment like it’s a brothel? Maybe you should try to get in on a little of that action?
-Amber’s aunt shows up unexpectedly and I’ve never seen Andy so excited all season. Apparently couped up in a small apartment with the giggling sorority sisters almost led Andy to slit his wrists. He gives Ambers aunt a bigger hug than he gave, well, anyone. So while Andy hangs with the Aunt for a little bit, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum carry on a conversation on Amber’s bed. Or maybe it was Erin’s. I don’t know and I don’t care at this point.
Erin: “I really like him.”
Amber: “I like him a lot.”
Erin: “He looks like he really likes you.”
Oh, if you only had a clue, Ms. Ditz. Amber now knows that Andy is the one for her, because before she could even have a deep conversation with The Ditz, The Ditz knew that Andy and Amber were made for each other. And when someone as sophisticated as that can tell when two people are in love, then by golly, it must be deep, true, passionate, and horny love.
-Andy is going over his marriage plans with Ambers aunt. “Is she really ready to settle down, because I am. I can’t wait to have a little Andy.” Well aren’t we being a little presumptuous thinking we’re going to only have a boy. You do realize it’s possible to conceive a girl even with your low sperm count, don’t you Andy? How do I know this? Because a guy like Andy you just know wears tighty whities. And those are a major cause of low sperm count. So I’ve heard. Anyway, Aunt Whoever goes running back to Amber to tell her that she just spoke with Andy, and what a fine gentleman she thinks he is. “We would be more than welcome to have him in the family.” You sure about that? Because my money says that the two people who actually gave birth to Amber and are boycotting this date probably beg to differ. Call me crazy.
-Rose ceremony time. Host Chris has done the math for us early and is ready to reveal what he’s come up with. “Ladies, only 3 roses remain, which means one of you will be on a plane home tonight…..and if you think for a second that I won’t be back in 28 seconds to tell you there’s only one rose remaining, then you haven’t been watching this show for thirteen seasons.”
-Andy: “You are the four most incredible women on this planet Earth….met parents, siblings, and best friends….including that one in D.C. that I wanted to strangle with my bare hands….I’m responsible not only for my heart, but for yours as well….and God forbid I actually say anything of importance in this mini-speech I give. Can’t the ABC writers come up with something better than this?”
Tessa: Just think, Andy’s gonna have to put with Samantha all during the wedding plans too.
Bevin: She has black nail polish on tonight at the ceremony. You know what that means? She’s either a closet Goth chick, or she’s a closet Bi. Or both.
Host Chris: “Do I ever disappoint? Ladies, Andy, something I learned in 1st grade I’m going to apply right now here on national television in front of 10 million people: 3 minus 2 is 1. I am stealing money from ABC.”
Danielle: He whispered to her that she smelled good. Hey! Lay off her. You don’t want her anyway. Quit being such a tease.
-Let’s just say Amber is about as devastated as one can be by her departure. And little did she know at the time that her appearance would end up getting her principal canned from her job. All she cares about right now is why she got the boot.
Andy: “You’ve been through a lot, but you’re quite a bit younger than me. I just think we’re in different places.”
Amber: “By age, but maturity, I’m not. You told me in the hot tub that age didn’t matter.”
Of course he did, honey. Because thought he was about to get an underwater BJ. Words of advice. Never take anything a man says while in a hot tub at face value. You will only end up disappointed in the end. Hey, I’m just warning you. Anyway, Amber couldn’t stop wailing away in the car either. And boy did she have plans for her and Andy. “Andy lost a girl that would’ve bent over backwards for him….I could see us waking up every morning since we both have to leave at the same time….coming home at the same time….cooking dinner for him….going to the gym together….Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!…..Guys tell me everything I want to hear, then they break my heart, I should f***in be used to this.” Whoa now. Easy psycho girl. Calm down. Now who’s lied to you? Frat boy did? You mean 23 year old guy who wears his PKA shirt everywhere he goes along with his cargo shorts and hat on backwards? That guy? No way! I think it’s safe to say Amber might’ve had one of the worst experiences ever on this show. Her parents wanted nothing to do with it, she gets dumped in the final four, and she gets her principal fired in the meantime. Wow. Quite a ride that was. Hope it was all worth it.
-Next week the exotic dates are all back in Andy’s stomping ground of Hawaii. Andy has to see if there’s more to Bevin than just a physical attraction. Of course there’s not. ABC thinks it’s a brilliant idea to bring a psychic along during his time with Danielle. And wouldn’t you know, the psychic is able to tell they’ve both had losses of loved ones in their past! Wow! Those people are amazing! And Tessa needs to decide if she wants to nude up in the fantasy suite or not. I’m sure that will somehow require a call to her BFF Samantha.
-Yes, Dr. Reality Steve has returned below. Thank you to all who sent your letters in. Keep em coming. Because after a couple more weeks, that’s all this column will become unless I decide to finish up that “Reality Roundup” I promised two months ago. So any questions, queries, comments, criticisms, praise, stories, underwater BJ stories you may have, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
May 7th, 2007
