Reality Steve

The Bachelor Recap - 10/22/07

-Let’s immediately get to some Bachelor related news, since there are four things to cover. One of which was awesome, until someone decided to delete it off You Tube. More on that in a second. The first order of business is that this week’s guest columnist on “Dr. Reality Steve” is none other than Michele Leavy, the bachelorette dumped in the 2nd episode by Brad because she fell down the stairs and almost paralyzed herself. New Jersey chick, big Bon Jovi fan, c’mon, you all remember her. How can you not? Let me assure you that Michele is fine from her fall, but she’ll explain there was a lot more to that fall than what was shown on TV. Really? You mean the editing toyed with that? No way! Yes, Michele is fine, living comfortably back in Jersey wearing her stone wash jeans, teasing her bangs, and spraying cans of Aqua Net in her hair. So be sure to check out her answers to some of the looney questions that came in this week. Reality Steve is now a huge fan of Michele’s body….of work. Great answers.

-Also come to find out today that our very own Host Chris wants to be on “Dancing with the Stars”. He told the New York Post in an interview he’d “do it in a heartbeat”, but that ABC won’t cast him because “they said it would be awkward if I was on a show that led into my own show.” No, what would be awkward is seeing you dance. This is “Dancing with the Stars”, you realize that, don’t you Chris? It’s a dancing competition, it’s not a contest to see who can read cue cards the best. ABC is being too technical about this. Who cares if he’s on a show that leads into his? Does it really matter? It’s not like he would win. Sabrina is a Cheetah girl on the Disney channel, that’s owned by ABC. Doesn’t seem to be much conflict there. I’m starting an online petition now titled “Let Chris Dance!”, I want everyone to sign it, and I’m gonna march it up to the steps of ABC myself. Ok, maybe not.

-Our 2nd order of business deals with our Phoenix Suns cheerleader Jenni. Someone got a hold of her resume and put it online. Very impressive. Here it is:

http://www.fordrbatalent.com/images/actors_resumes/jenni_croft_resume2.pdf

I like the “Diddy’s” featured dancer at the 2005 MTV Awards. Uh oh. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. He hit that. Plain and simple. Also, the fact that she’s been a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, a Miami Heat dancer, and is now a Phoenix Suns dancer makes me think she likes moving around a bit, which is something that Brad doesn’t seem too fond of. She’s done a lot of stuff. A lot. Like I said last week, the show is already portraying her as the winner with all the camera time they give her and seeing how many times her and Brad make out. Something tells me this ultimately might lead to her downfall. And if Brad does pick her, this career of hers will certainly get in the way and they’ll be over within a couple months. She’s definitely on this show to add to resume, that’s fairly obvious.

-And the best news surrounds Sheena. There was a You Tube video that went up last week entitled “Happy Birthday Sheena”. It was bout 4 minutes long, and was a video tribute of Sheena and her “boyfriend”. Might have been her ex, might have been her current boyfriend, who knows? But it was basically a 4 minute video montage with still pictures and videos set to music of Sheena and her “boyfriend” together. And it was classic. Looked like it basically chronicled their whole relationship together. Pictures from everywhere, then once in a while it morphed into a live video from them skiing, or at an amusement park, really good, cheesy stuff. Problem is, when I went to go look at it again, the video had been taken down, so make of that what you will. That obviously wasn’t supposed to get out, but it did, someone found out about it, and yanked it off the internet. Damn. I wanted to watch it again. How touching. So just know that Sheena either just broke up with a boyfriend, still has a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend before the show but doesn’t anymore. I’m gonna go with “still has a boyfriend”, since it’ll make for a much juicier column. Sorry Sheena. That’s what you get for that video getting out there. Onto last night…

-Host Chris, fresh off practicing the Samba, tells us there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Bettina gets the first 1-on-1 and it’s a gondola ride. I think the gondola ride has become one of ABC’s go-to dates. Seems like there’s one every season. Probably because when you go under a bridge, you’re supposed to kiss. Except if you’re Bettina. Bettina: “Every time I see Brad, the more and more I fall in love with him. But I’ve been brought up to play hard to get, so if he wants any of this ass, he’s gonna have to work a little harder for it.” Or something like that. Bettina is a tough little cookie to break. She keeps telling Brad how much she likes him, how much fun she has with him, blah blah blah, but when it comes to anything physical, she’s a giant prude. I guess she could be commended for that. It’s just that, well, on this show, no one wants to see you playing hard to get. It sucks, it’s boring, and it’s probably gonna get you booted. Brad isn’t going to be your husband if you won’t let him touch you. So give it up already. There’s only a few episodes left.

-But I’ll be damned if Brad isn’t trying his hardest to get some. Brad: “Have you dated since your divorce?” Translation: Have you turned as cold as a fish since your marriage fell apart? I think Bettina said she had dated since her divorce, but also informed him that first base was as far as anyone got. Because mommy and daddy raised her to be a huge tease. That’s good parenting. I was actually beginning to feel sorry for Brad. He rolled out with at least 10 compliments in a row and you could see the impatience seeping through the television set. I thought he was going to pull his hair out. Or even cut the date short and tell Mr. Gondola guy in the mime shirt and gay hat to stop the ride so he could get out to punch his clown. I sure would’ve. This is a dating show missie. He’s here to find his wife, not play footsie all night long. Other than Bettina’s divorce, her parents hating Brad next week, and her reluctance to even look at him in a sexual way, I think these two are well on their way to marital bliss.

-Basically, their whole date started to revolve around the fact that they were moving about as slow as two humans could possibly move. He asked her, “Are you nervous?”, which is another way of him saying, “What the hell is going on here? Jenni’s had no problem mauling my tongue every time I see her, and I can’t get you to even lean on me.” At this point, Brad’s frustration is through the roof, but instead of losing his cool, he goes Mr. B.S. on us and tells us basically, “Hey, she’s starting to open up a bit, I wanted to be there just to listen and to be there for her.” Gotta hand it to you, Brad. I would’ve jumped overboard by this point. Or started drinking so heavily, that I’d be immune to this 4th grade behavior she’s pulling. Be there just to listen? Are you serious? Next thing you’ll tell us is you care about her feelings and are interested in comforting her in times of need. Wow. I don’t know what to say, other than, good luck with that.

-So the group date is Dididididididi, Kristy, Sillary, and Jenni. Which was basically just one final attempt for the show to give us the gratuitous shots of Brad with his shirt off and the girls in bikini’s. They were chicken fighting in the pool, they went on the slip-n-slide, we got to see Didididididididi’s giant legs and ass, good times all around. Boy, she’s built like a truck downstairs. Anyway, all of them seemed to be having a great time being drunk and wet. And when I say “them”, I mean Brad, Didididididi, Jenni, and Silly. We never saw Kristy jump in the pool, nor go on the slip-n-slide. She basically sat at the edge trying to get some sun on her pale body. I mean, if there were ever a show where there was a 100% guarantee on who was going home, this was it. Could ABC have focused any less on Kristy this episode? We barely heard her speak, and they made it perfectly clear she didn’t want to join in any reindeer games they were playing at the pool party. What a social misfit. She didn’t want to play at the improv, now she can’t even have fun a pool party? I think SNL has found a female to play Debbie Downer if they ever want to revive that skit. It’s Kristy. Kristy, you’re no fun. Go home. And take your ball with you.

-The pool party is also where we get to see a side of Sillary that, frankly, I was quite amused by. Let’s just say she has the mouth of a drunken sailor once you get some alcohol in her. Only in the unedited version of this episode will ever to get to hear exactly what she said, but thanks to the magic of TiVo, I was able to rewind it a few times to try and lip read something of things she said over what was being beeped out. And here’s some of the things I know that she said. “I would let him ravish me….clothes off….bend over….like slap my ass a couple times….call it a day.” Now that’s a woman. You go, Hillary. We need more of that on this show and less of your mascara running down your face after crying for three hours straight. So, he keeps Bettina who acts like he has coodies when she’s around him, but dumps Sillary who openly admits to wanting to be treated like his sex slave? Go figure. I think to be fair to all parties, Brad should’ve been able to view the tape of Sillary telling us what she wanted Brad to do to her before he made his decision.

-But Sillary Hillary Dock isn’t done. She’s gonna get right to the bottom of this with Brad. Can’t fault her for wanting answers. Especially on a show where all get is a bunch of canned answers, and everyone tip-toeing around what’s really going on. Sillary: “I have a blunt question for you: How do you feel about me right now?” Brad: “Uhhhh….err….beautiful….err….fun…uhhh….sweet….nice…kind….have a great time with you….best friend…..BUT, (there’s always a but), I need to figure out if there’s any romantic feelings beyond you being a great friend.” Translation: You’ve officially been thrown into the friend category, but I don’t want to tell you this right now while we’re on this raft in the pool because you might try and drown me. You’d think Brad would easily be able to fend her off and could drown her if he wanted to, but I’m guessing she’s impossible to drown because of those two flotation devices strapped to the front of her chest. Her and Sheena are battling for nicest…smiles in the house. Yeah, that’s it. Smiles.

-Back at the mansion, the final date box arrives for Sheena, who has the other solo date. The box gave some clues as to what the date would be about, but Sheena had trouble figuring it out. And Bettina hates her. Bettina: “Sheena’s just young…not ready for marriage or the idea of it.” Apparently neither were you, Bettina. Last time I checked, your marriage lasted a year and you did it when you were young. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Just because your boyfriend didn’t put a video montage of your relationship together up on You Tube, doesn’t mean you have to hate on Sheena. Damn it. You don’t know how pissed I am that thing got taken down. Maybe some of you saw it, but I’m guessing most of you didn’t. One of the finest four minutes you’ll ever see. Especially when the video is made for someone who’s in the final four of a dating show and has a legitimate shot to win.

-To wrap things up at the pool party, here’s what went down. They didn’t show two seconds of Brad and Kristy Downer alone, probably because she was off sulking somewhere while everyone else was eating cake, wearing party hats, and throwing confetti in the air. Kristy apparently avoids fun like it’s the plague. Didididididididi got some alone time with Brad on some lawn chairs, but it was in full view of where Jenni and Sillary were sitting, so Brad did the respectful thing and didn’t make out with her in front of them. So what does he do next? Drops Dididididididi back off with the other girls, asks if he could borrow Jenni for a minute, they go around the corner where no one can see them, and make out on a hammock. Now that’s what I’m talking about Brad. Can’t make out with one of them, go try someone else. Brad is a smart one, I tell ya. And oh yeah, the minute Brad took Jenni around the corner, every girl there knew they were about to tongue wrestle. This is where we saw the beginning of the end of Sillary. She was a wreck that Brad was making out with Jenni and not with her. It was only a sign of things to come.

-So it was time for Brad and Sheena’s solo date. I hope her boyfriend didn’t throw anything at the TV while watching this last night. From what I saw in the video, he and Sheena never had a date like this. Once again, Brad reiterates to us that his brother Chad loved Sheena, and his brothers opinion means the world to him. We know. We get it. I’m beginning to think Chad wants Sheena more than Brad does. Seems to me he’s basically telling us, “Look, I never looked twice at Sheena until my brother told me to. Now I notice what a nice set of….eyes she has. Yeah, eyes. And I think I’d like to get to know them…errr….her better.” The more he tells us how much his brother liked her, the less I think he likes her. It’s like he had to justify his brother who didn’t look anything like him being on the show. How about making your own decisions, Brad? Do you guys share everything? Oh wait, don’t answer that. I think I already know the answer.

-So Brad picks Sheena up and both are dressed very casual, and that’s because Brad has some surprises in store for Sheena. First is, once they arrive a mansion, there are six dresses on mannequins and she gets to choose which one to wear. Needless to say, Sheena was surprised and let out an “OH MAYE GASH!!!!!” Huh? When did Sheena pick up a Minnesota accent? She’s from freakin’ Walnut Creek. I don’t know anybody in No Cal that talks like that. Does Sheena ice fish too? Does she pronounce “about” as “a boat”? Is she a big fan of the Minnesota Timberwolves “Or-gan-EYE-zation”? That accent caught me completely off guard. Walnut Creek my ass. Someone find out her true hometown so I don’t have to. And someone go check on her boyfriend to see if he’s injured himself after watching her date last night. I’m worried about that guy.

-So Sheena puts on the red dress because it undoubtedly accentuates her….eyes, yet again. She really knows how to pick those dresses, man. So as we saw in the previews, she comes down the stairs, Brad’s waiting at the bottom looking up at her giant….flowing hair, and then Sheena proceeds to fall on her ass. Although if you ask her, that’s not what she fell on. “I fell flat on my face. I hope I didn’t blow it.” Huh? Her feet came out from under her and she stumbled onto her butt for a few seconds. She’s acting like she cracked her skull or broke her nose. Is she drunk right now? Where are the paramedics? I guess they’re still attending to Michele’s broken neck and bee sting.

-You know what bothered me the most about this date? Brad kept telling us about all the surprises he had in store for Sheena, and was so excited to give her a pair of Chopard diamond earrings shaped like a heart. Yet, he’s playing it off like he thought of it all, everything was put together by him, and he paid for it. Granted, Brad might be our first self-made millionaire in Bachelor history, but I’m guessing he didn’t fork over that kinda cake for Chopard diamond earrings on a chick that his brother had to talk him into keeping around. Please. No Brad, you didn’t buy Sheena a pair of earrings, ABC did. And Brad, you didn’t buy six dresses for her to choose, ABC did. Frankly, you didn’t do sh** other than show up. Did he actually think we’d believe everything was his idea? Please. By the way, Sheena’s boyfriend was at home tightening the noose while this date was happening. He couldn’t have been thrilled about this. Essentially Brad just mentally made love to this guy’s girlfriend on national television, while he sits at home and stews over it.

-Their fairy tale date continues as they sit down for drinks surrounded by a bunch of black and white balloons. Ok, ok. So maybe Brad did help out and pick out the balloons. Maybe he even blew them up. Brad drops the “Why are you single?” line on Sheena. Oh Brad, if you only knew. Who says she is? Sheena’s answer: “I’m incredibly picky, and believe it or not, really shy.” Brad then followed that with something from the heart. “I just want you to know that there’s not one fake thing about me…I stutter when I’m around you guys, I repeat myself a lot, I’m very self-conscious, I’m nervous….this is so real, yet so quick.” This is real? Really? I could’ve sworn this show was fake, edited, manipulated, and a complete fantasy land. But hey, if Brad says it’s real, I gotta believe him. There’s not one fake thing about him, so why would he lie about this? And just to give an update, when Sheena told Brad she’s very picky and that she’s shy, her boyfriend slit his wrists.

-Ok, it’s getting creepy now. For the 1000th time, Brad just thanked his brother for introducing him to Sheena. “I’m so thankful to Chad. This girl is solid.” Is silicone considered a solid in the world of chemistry? Can’t remember. Anyway, yes Brad, she is solid. Very solid. I hope you don’t get the wrong impression here, I’m a fan of Sheena. Probably my favorite one left. I’m just awfully amused on how the boyfriend video is on You Tube one day, then taken down the next. Let the conspiracy theories begin. Anyway, these twos date is still going. I think it lasted half the show. After drinks and kicking all the balloons out of the way, it’s time for a nice slow dance while the mini orchestra plays. Sheena is impressed. “You’re a good dancer.” Huh? It’s a slow dance. How can you screw that up? You waddle back and forth very slowly and try not to step on her toes. That makes him a good dancer? It’s not like he’s crunking out there on the dance floor. He’s barely moving. If she thinks Brad is a good dancer, wait til she gets a load of me. That’s assuming of course, that Sheena and I ever slow dance. Which’ll be never. Just know I’m better.

-Back at the mansion, Sheena finally returns home from the date that never ends, and tells Jenni and Bettina all about her fairy tale date. Bettina isn’t too thrilled saying that her date was boring compared to that. She gets up and leaves in a huff, and Jenni and Sheena gossip to the cameras. Jenni insinuates that Bettina isn’t here for the right reasons. Because, you know, that would really offend Jenni, since Jenni is no doubt here to find love. Even on her resume, you can clearly see that she has no interest in being on more TV shows and getting her name out there. She is here to find a husband, so she can quit chasing a bunch of NBA players around, and can settle down in Austin, Texas, where she’s always wanted to live. You can tell by how many times she’s stayed in one place in her career. She’s totally ready to move to Austin. And by “totally ready”, I mean “not even close to being ready”. I think we’ve found the chink in Jenni’s armor.

-It’s time for the women to make one final impression on Brad before the rose ceremony. Uh oh. Sheena has written Brad a poem. In the history of this show, poems have NEVER gone well. Ever. But Sheena’s gonna give a try anyway. Here goes nothing:

I love your laugh, your smile, your touch, and the moles that run up your arm,
The patch of blonde hair on your ears, your goals, and most of all, your charm,
Its weird that I just met you, and I don’t know if we’re meant to be,
I do know, every time you leave, it’s you I want to see,
So cheers to the sweetest guy I know, and good luck in this journey to come,
I hope I get to stick around, cuz’ I know we’d have lots of fun.

Brad: “Ummm…I’m speechless. Can I keep it?” So am I. What was that? I’ll give Sheena an “A” for effort. At least she tried. She just gets an “F” for content. The moles that run up his arm? The patch of blonde hair on his ears? This is supposed to be romantic? Why not just talk about the sleep in his eyes? Or the way he blows his nose? “Every time you leave, it’s you I want to see?” Well, I sure hope it is considering he’s the only guy on the show. Host Chris is married, and so is Chad. Although, I’m guessing Chad wouldn’t mind being married to you since he can’t stop talking about you. I guess poems can be cute, but that’s only if you can actually write something worth reading. Let’s be honest, that was crap. “I don’t know if we’re meant to be?” Gee, way to instill confidence in yourself and Brad’s future.

-Dididididididi gets her alone time with Brad and admits she’s looking damn fine in her dress. “My butt looks good in this too.” Brad: “I know it does. Don’t get me started on your little butt.” Correction, big butt. In fact, let’s call it a ba-donk-a-donk. There is nothing little about Dididididididi from the waist down, I’m sorry. Why it took us five episodes to find this out, I have no idea. But let’s just say I was a little surprised. I never got the impression Didididididididididi was carrying junk in her trunk, but I guess I was wrong. “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck, Thighs like what, what, what, Baby move your butt, butt, butt….Let me see that thong….” I think I can safely say that is the last time I will ever quote a Sisqo song in this column. Thank god.

-Jenni confronts Bettina about what she said last night about being bored on her date. Bettina said she was joking, which came across about as convincing as Sheena’s ex not still being madly in love with her, so much so that he’s posting Happy Birthday videos on You Tube. Or whoever it was. I’m guessing only her and him had access to that video, so I can’t imagine who else would do it. Bettina: “I didn’t mean it the way it came out…I meant it completely different.” Ummm, like how? You said, “My date was boring compared to yours”, how else could that be taken? I’m sure on the “Women Tell All” episode, she’ll blame the editing, as everyone does. And speaking of the “Women Tell All” episode, I’m going to be in L.A. the week that thing is taped, I believe. Someone needs to get me front row tickets to that mess.

-Bettina gets some alone time with Brad and starts to open up a little more…she actually lets him hold her hand! Stop the presses! “I knew by the end of our date, I wanted to kiss you, and I wanted your hands on me……but I continue to play the role of the prude on this show, and you’re gonna have to wait.” Getting a kiss from Bettina is equivalent to ordering a bowl of soup from the Soup Nazi. If not done perfectly, you ain’t getting shi**.

-Now is the time where the Sillary meltdown begins to unfold. Brad wants to be honest with her and tell her she’s a just friend. Brad: “This girl is just a friend. How can I relay that to someone who won’t listen to a word I’m saying?” I hear ya’, pal. Although, his explanation to her seemed like a very roundabout way of telling her he only saw her as a friend. The minute she shot back with, “Well, I definitely think you’re a great friend, but I could also see you as my lover, my husband, the father of my children, the provider, my Lord, my savior…..”, he should’ve just shut her up and said, “Look Tits McGee, I don’t like you like that. You’re Silly Hillary, my best friend. Not my wife. You never will be my wife so get that through your head. Now excuse me as I have four other potential ex-girlfriends waiting in the other room. And do something about that hideous dress that is pushing your boobs up to under your chin.” If I were Hillary’s breasts, I would’ve felt like hell all night long shoved into that dress the way they were. Doesn’t that hurt? Forget it. I don’t need to know.

-Rose ceremony time. Brad: “From Day one…..most important thing in a relationship is family and friends….can’t wait to meet yours….except Bettina, I’m not looking forward to having your mom question my resume. And Sheena, tell your mom to lay off the sauce….”

Dididididi:“Baby got back….LA face with the Oakland booty….”

Jenni:She can now add, “Made it to final four of the ‘Bachelor’ to her resume”. That should definitely get her another Home Depot commercial if you ask me.

Sheena:Why can I just see her boyfriend coming to her house, calling out to her as she comes to the window, as he stands there with a boom box over his head? “In your eyes….the light the heat….in your eyes…I am complete…”

“Ladies, Brad, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. In the meantime, I’ll be practicing the Viennese Waltz over in the corner.”

Bettina:She is definitely here for the right reasons. And that is to find another ex-husband. Good luck.

-So there’s no doubt that the ABC hype machine was in full effect. Every single promo they ran for the last week showed us Sillary’s meltdown. Now, was it a meltdown? Yes. But was it as bad as they made it seem? I didn’t think so. Nothing we saw last night was nothing we hadn’t seen in the commercials. She just dragged on forever and would not stop crying. And her makeup looked like hell. I don’t think Brad had even gotten the “B-uh” sound in “Bettina” out before Sillary started welling up at the Rose Ceremony. So she gets the boot, goes outside, and tells us why she’s crying. In no particular order, I just wrote everything down I remember her saying. “I can’t breathe….this sucks…everything happens for a reason…I don’t understand what those reasons are…I can’t do this….Why are you sending me home?…I’m falling for you and you’re sending me home….meeting my family….shaking my dad’s hand….” On and on and on this went. Let’s be honest and just say that Sillary is pretty emotionally disturbed. And I don’t think I’m going out on a limb in saying that she’s probably had some major relationship issues in the past. And will have in the future. Good Lord, get a hold of yourself woman. That was embarrassing.

-And oh yeah, Kristy Downer got eliminated to and we never even heard one word from her on her elimination. Probably a good thing since I’m sure she would’ve brought the house down with all those cheerful insights she has. Next week, Brad meets families. Always one of my favorite episodes of the season. Sheena’s mom is a nut job by continuously saying, “She’s the one. I don’t know if she’s YOUR one, but she’s the one.” Uhhh, ok mom. Didididididi has a Greek family reunion that Brad feels about as comfortable in as any non-Greek would, which is to say, not at all. Bettina’s family hates him, and Jenni puts on a dance routine for him. This I cannot wait to see.

-Continue reading as our Dr. Reality Steve column returns with guest columnist Michele Leavy, who was eliminated just a couple weeks ago by Brad. She tells the full story behind her tumbling down the stairs, gives her insight on what women with big boobs should do, and also gives us a full rundown on the upcoming Bon Jovi tour dates. Hope you enjoy. Send all questions, emails, praises, criticisms, and the like to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….

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Add comment October 23rd, 2007

Dr. Reality Steve 10/16/07

We have the pleasure of being joined this week by my favorite cougar, Jayanna from “Age of Love”. In case you haven’t heard the hour long pod cast I did with Jayanna a couple months ago, check it out on the site. It’s good. This is definitely a woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. And we here at Reality Steve appreciate honesty, insightfulness, and women who openly admit to buying toys with buttons on them. Keep reading, you’ll understand. Onto the latest edition of “Dr. Reality Steve”….

1) Hey Dr. Reality Steve! I LOVE this column. Keep it up! So here’s my dilemma: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Your typical couple that makes you sick to your stomach: always kissing, always holding hands, always lovey dovey with each other (we each have pet nicknames for each other that I’m sure would even make you more sick!). Anyway, we are very happy together, both in our early 20’s, and have already discussed marriage. Here’s my only little problem (and please don’t use my real name, I feel so embarrassed asking this): He is, shall we say, not as well endowed as other men I’ve been with.

I know that sounds horrible! But it’s true. I think the sex could be better if he weren’t so….small. Does that make me a bad person that I want someone who’s bigger? I don’t know how big of an issue it is, but the fact I’m emailing a complete stranger about it makes me think it might be. Is this something I could actually bring up to him? He’d feel crushed, wouldn’t he? I don’t know what to do! Help!

Confused

Reality Steve: I really wish I could help you here, but due to my lack of knowledge in the area of small packages, I’m at a loss for words. This is completely foreign territory to me. I’ll defer to Jayanna on this one.

Jayanna: Dear Confused,

I think it’s great that you are so “sickening” in love….it’s a beautiful thing! I LOVE, LOVE!! Now regarding your dilemma, the last thing you should do (after dating this guy for 2 years) is bring to his attention that he has a small penis… “HE KNOWS HIS JUNK IS LITTLE…..TRUST ME! That conversation will crush him! If you are wanting to be with someone else because you are looking for a bigger package, I’m not so sure you are in love with him as much as you think. I have been in your shoes and all I can say is, “If you love this guy, you’ll stick with him and go invest in a nice, fat, fun dildo (with lots of buttons)!” Think about it…#1, this will add some new excitement into your relationship, #2, you get to keep the love of your life (so you say) and #3, you don’t have to risk losing this guy for some jerk with a BIG JOHNSON that treats you like crap and cheats on you! (Not that all guys with big c**ks are like that) I’m just playing the devils advocate on this one. You need to ask yourself if this boyfriend of yours is a better friend or lover. If he was “the one”, I’m sure the small problem wouldn’t be an issue….(for you that is…I personally like them big!)

Reality Steve Note: Gee Jayanna, tell us how you really feel. I’d like a little more honesty from my guest columnists.

2) Hey Steve….great column. My girlfriends and I read them to each other on a weekly basis and then come up with how we would answer them. Please continue this column once the Bachelor ends. We need something to talk about at lunch every week.
Anyway, this one is short and sweet. My girlfriends and I were discussing this and couldn’t come up with a majority answer. What’s the main reason men cheat?
All of us have been in realtionships with guys we thought would last forever, until we found out he cheated on us. I particularly, did everything for my boyfriend - cooked, cleaned, let him watch sports, etc..and then after a year, he breaks up with me (by lying to me of course), and then I find out not only did he cheat on me the last couple months of our relationship, it was with a stripper! Still makes so mad to think about that….GRRRRR!!! Anyway, why would a guy who had everything in the palm of his hand, give it up to go fool around with some trashy pole dancer? I don’t get it.

Keep up the good work.

Alison

Reality Steve: Why not just ask me “Why is the sky blue?” I don’t even know if there is an answer to this question. And if there is, even someone as omnipotent as myself doesn’t have the answer. But I sure as hell will try.

Why do guys cheat? I don’t know. Boredom? Money? Because they can? Options? I think there are a lot of factors. None of which I would really know too much about since I haven’t cheated on anyone since high school. And that shouldn’t count since every guy cheated in high school. We were walking hormones back then. If I had to guess, I’d say guys cheat for the same reason women probably do: they like someone else better. Or the person they’re with just doesn’t do it for them anymore. Those are the only two I can think of that make the most sense.

Now, let’s have a little fun with your ex-boyfriend. How’d that work out for him? I mean, strippers lead such a calm, stable lifestyle. I’m sure they’re very in love. Does she pay for dinner every once in a while with $1 bills? Does she wear her clear heels out to the nice restaurants? Does she have a Kardashian stripper pole in her place? Have you ever read the paper she wrote on the after effects of the Cold War? I’m sure it was very insightful. Strippers are smart. Just ask them. They all seem to be stripping so they can put themselves through college and get their Masters. Uh huh. Sure you are honey. Your thong has a better chance of ending up in the Smithsonian than you do.

Jayanna: Hey Alison,

WHY DO MEN CHEAT?????? There is no (one) right answer to this question. Men cheat for different reasons…as do women!! And remember, NOT ALL MEN CHEAT! Here are my answers as to why I think men cheat: Insecurity, Lack of confidence, Lack of respect for themselves & the women they’re with, Validation (to prove they can get it). Which is kind of a funny one, because the smart man could prove to himself he could get action without having to go through the motion. It’s called “catch & release”. LISTEN UP GUYS! You can reel a women in with your charm, have her eating out of the palm of your hand by the end of the night and then GO HOME TO YOUR GIRL! But I think the biggest reason of all is FEAR OF DEATH!! They need to get it while they got it! As far as your last boyfriend is concerned (the one that cheated with the stripper)…he did not appreciate you at all! He is the kind of guy that needs to be with a demanding bitch from hell. You did WAY too much for him! Don’t change who you are. Stay being the loving , caring, kind girlfriend and you will find “YOUR MAN”…and he will totally love you and appreciate you!

Reality Steve Note: I like this Jayanna woman. She’s goin’ places.

3) Hey Steve…..I’m a 34 year old married woman that looks Iike I could pass for my mid 20’s (so I’ve been told). My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for the last 2. I work in an office of mostly men in their mid 20’s, a lot of them are extremely good looking guys, and even though know I’m married, are constantly hitting on me. One even told me specifically last week, “I bet your husband doesn’t appreciate what he has.” That was really nice to hear, and the guys at work constantly are complimenting me, and treating me to lunch.

All this flattery sometimes makes me want to stray. I don’t think I ever will because I love my husband very much, but in all honesty, these guys are better looking than my husband (I can admit it). So I guess my question is, do you think this is just me liking all the attention, or deep down, maybe do I want to be with someone else? I don’t think I do, but when I hear what these guys say to me, it’s really flattering and I kinda like it. Or are these guys just feeding me lines? Thanks for your help.

Thanks,
Donna

Reality Steve: Donna, I feel your pain. I know. What are we to do when beautiful people such as ourselves are constantly looked at as pieces of meat by the opposite sex? Can’t we just be loved for our minds? It sucks being so damn perfect.

I’m sure if you’re in an office with a bunch of horny, mid 20’s sales guys, and you’re one of the few attractive women, then yes, you are going to get hit on. A lot. Whether or not it’s warranted is up for debate. And that’s no knock on your looks since I don’t know you at all, but when all the guys in office are horny, and there’s only one decent looking female, her looks get enhanced to the 100th degree. It’s kind of like the beer goggles analogy, only without the alcohol. If that makes any sense. Basically, you’re their only option at this point and they’re with you for most of their day. And the fact that you’re married, gives them an even bigger challenge. Because you’re unattainable, it makes them
want you more.

If I were you, I’d tease them to death. Flirt with all of them. Even hint that you’re not happy with your husband, and the thought of leaving him has crossed your mind more than once. Then after a while, start focusing in one guy, pay more attention to him, maybe even have lunch with him. Then when he thinks he’s got you and starts to make his move, act completely surprised, tell him he must have taken your signals the wrong way, and that you have no intention of ever getting with or anyone else because you’re married. His ego will be shot down, every one in the office will think you’re a giant tease, and they’ll leave you alone. Then go file a sexual harrassment suit, get millions of bucks, and leave the company with a big smile on your face. Problem solved.

Jayanna: Hi Donna,

I HAVE GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!!!! You are going to be just fine!!! Don’t you know that those hot little “boy toy” hotties in your office are in their prime?? And guess what….SO ARE YOU!!!! I do not believe that they are feeding you lines when they compliment you. I’m sure they want to pull you in the janitors closet and do all sorts of naughty things to you…but who wouldn’t? You sound hot! My suggestion, take it all in while you still got it girl! Drive those boys crazy….they will love you even more, and respect you especially if you do not stray from your man. Because trust me, you will probably be disappointed in the end. Your husband loves you and he knows exactly what he has….that’s why he married you!! PS: Can you e-mail me some pics of those cute young boys? They sound yummy!

Reality Steve Note: I don’t know if Jayanna’s boyfriend would like her being sent pictures of yummy 20 year olds. But maybe they have an open relationship, who knows? If they do, I’d like to suggest a yummy 32 year old for her.

4) Help me Dr. Reality Steve, you’re my only hope. I hoped you liked my Princess Leia reference.

I have a best friend of mine (a female), who wants me to set her up with one of my best friends, who’s a guy. I’ve known him, let’s call him “Dan”, for 8 years now, and we’ve done a lot together. We tried dating about 6 years ago and it didn’t work, but grew very close after that. I’ve set him up with a couple of my friends before, but nothing ever came of it. Well, just recently, “Dan” seems to be paying even more attention to me and is even throwing compliments my way when we go out like “You look really nice” and “I can’t believe you’re still single”, stuff he’s NEVER said before.

So with that said, it’s made me feel that maybe “Dan” and I should try something again since we’re a little older and more mature now. But with my friend begging me to set her up with him, am I being selfish? I just know she’s gonna say, “You haven’t liked him like that for 6 years and now all the sudden you want him?” So I don’t really know what to do? Should I just put my feelings aside, since I really don’t know what his feelings are, and set him up with my friend? Or, should I talk to him about us maybe trying something, and not bring up my friend?

I love your column by the way. Your answers are hilarious! I hope you actually have to good advice for me though! Ha

Julie

Reality Steve: Julie, I’d keep him for yourself. He obviously wants you. Why? Because he compliments you. Guys don’t compliment chicks they don’t have an interest in. Or, at least want to get sex from.

The bigger issue here is your friend. Why does she have to have “Dan”? Isn’t there any other guy out there for her? How long have you been friends with her? You might want to question your friends loyalty to you. It could be a case of her wanting what she can’t have. Maybe she sees “Dan” likes you and just wants to butt in because she doesn’t want to see you with him for whatever reason. I say get with “Dan”, then tell her all the details and see her reaction. If she’s happy for you, or at least acts happy, then no one gets hurt. But if she gets mad at you, then she wasn’t a real friend to begin with. Sometimes you just gotta be selfish. Especially when it includes you getting some. “Julie and Dan sittin in a tree…..”

Jayanna: Julie! Julie! Julie!…What the hell are you thinking!? Put “your” feelings aside? Are you kidding me? Dump your friend off a bridge and tell her to go find her own man! OK, that’s a little harsh. Maybe you should set her up with your brother or something! Anyways, Dan is yours! It sounds like the feelings between you and him are mutual and now the timing just might be right for you both. Think “JULIE FIRST”. The reason nothing has worked out with your other friends dating him is because he wasn’t into them. If you put another girlfriend in front of him, you might as well tell him to go take a hike! It sounds like he wants to see “your” interest in him. So, go get him and fill us in with the juicy details!

Thanks again to Jayanna for helping us out this week. Hope you guys enjoyed it. I know I did. I think she’s a keeper. Keep the emails coming to steve@realitysteve.com. Next week, our guest columnist is someone who let go by Brad this season. I’ll give you a hint: Naaaahhhh, you’ll have to wait. Tell your friends. Tell your friends’ friends. And guys, tell your mistresses. See ya next week….

Add comment October 17th, 2007

The Bachelor Recap - 10/15/07

-For as long as I can remember, I’ve told everyone who’s a fan of the “Bachelor” to never take this show seriously. Never get invested in any of the characters, never hope for a sappy, fairy tale ending, never think that the “Bachelor” himself is actually really looking for love, etc. Just basically keep your guard up, watch this show for entertainment purposes only, and and never, EVER, take this show seriously. It’d be stupid too, since more often than not, you’d end up disappointed. You want to know how serious even the media takes this show? Here is the exact show description from my DVR last night when I pressed the “INFO” button:

“True love (well, love anyway) gets the reality treatment in a popular show.”

Damn. Even the people at Time Warner, or whoever writes these show descriptions, is making fun of it. I didn’t even know you were allowed to write anything sarcastic in the show descriptions. Hilarious. And easy on the “popular show” reference. Just because 10 million people a week watch it doesn’t mean its popular. Popular is “Grey’s Anatomy” or “CSI” or “American Idol”. This isn’t popular. It’s a niche show that the same exact 10 million people watch every season. Including yours truly.

-More to that point. If anyone is really interested in knowing how this show is REALLY edited, and really NOT reality, look no further than Kate’s blog. Kate was one of the Bachelorettes last season fighting for Andy. And needless to say, whether or not she should contractually be writing her blog is another story, but I don’t care. This stuff is pure gold. Check out some of the dirt she spills about the inner workings of the show. And this isn’t coming from a friend of a friend of friend who knew someone on the show. This is someone who was in it. And she has basically nothing nice to say about anything - the producers, the show, even Andy himself. Uhhh, Kate didn’t think too much of Andy. This is a must read if you watch the “Bachelor” on a weekly basis. Or even if you don’t, you should read it. Keep up the good work Kate. And you’re welcome for the plug.

http://www.katebrockhouse.blogspot.com/

Like I said, I have no idea if she’s even allowed to be writing stuff like this, but I don’t care. And neither should you. And yes, I believe every word of it. Who would go out of their way to make all this stuff up if they knew it could possibly get them in trouble? I’m sure a lot of you may have heard this is how the show works, but weren’t really 100% sure. Well, here’s proof from someone who was on it and is candidly talking about it. Hope you enjoy.

-Quick note about “Dr. Reality Steve”. It’s back this week with Jayanna from “Age of Love”. And let’s just say she doesn’t hold much back. Including what kind of girl toys she buys for herself and size she likes her men. Yes, that size. Read for yourself. Great stuff. Also, a first in “Dr. Reality Steve” history next week, as our guest columnist will be a woman who eliminated on THIS season of the Bachelor. She’s more than excited to answer all of your crazy questions. Who is it? Find out next week. Onto last night….

-Host Chris informs us we have three dates in this episode: a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 date where one of the girls will be going home. The first date box arrives and its for Jenni. She gets the 1-on-1 and couldn’t be happier. “All my life this is what I’ve looked forward to. I can’t wait to hear his voice. I can’t wait to kiss him on the neck.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up girly. Really? Your whole life? This is what you’ve been looking forward to? A date with a guy you’ve known for two weeks on a reality television show? Wow. You sure set your goals high as a little girl. Most girls when you asked them what they’re dreams were growing up were to get married, have kids, have a great job, have a house with a white picket fence, a couple dogs running in the yard. But you? Oh no. You were thinking much, much deeper than that. A date with Brad Womack. Hey, can’t beat that. And by the way, since Brad has the neck beard going, you might want to shy away from the whole necking thing. Could get quite prickly.

-Brad arrives via helicopter at the mansion and definitely is rockin’ the “Saturday Night Fever” white jacket. If he only would’ve worn the tight white pants, he could’ve been a spitting image of Tony Manero. Except for the beard thing. And the bad Italian accent. And the Scientology thing. Could you imagine if when “Grease” came out, we knew then what we knew now about John Travolta? I’d probably hate that movie. Instead, it’s in my Top 10 of all time. Since Hollywood is so big into re-creating movies that were done years ago, I think they should do that with Grease. And use the exact same cast. Man, would the storylines ever have to change. Instead of Danny trying to feel up Sandy at the drive-in, he would’ve been trying to get her to believe in the God Xenu. Kenickie would’ve never been able to race at Thunder Road cuz’ he would’ve been in rehab. And Rizzo would still be a slut. C’mon Hollywood execs. Someone put that movie together. Cinema gold, I tell ya’.

-Ms. Sillary is very upset that Brad just left via helicopter with Jenni. So upset that she’s crying about it. Her reasoning: “I just feel like my boyfriend left with the hottest, sexiest, f***ing girl ever.” Gee, tell us how you really feel. Plus, she also knows that Brad and Jenni have very hot, steamy, sexual chemistry, and her 1-on-1 with Brad last show had about as much sexual steam as two pieces of cardboard mating. She’s afraid that since her date wasn’t sexual, Brad will overlook her. Translation: Since I didn’t put out, Brad’s not going to like me. Yeah, that’s pretty much how it works in this game. The loose girls always get the guy. Isn’t that the saying? Isn’t that how life works? Whatever the case, judging by next weeks previews, this won’t be what we’ll be remembering Hillary the non-sexual Sillary by. Someone get her a Kleenex please. Her mascara is running all down her face.

-So the helicopter drops Brad and Jenni off on the top of a hotel where they have dinner and a couch. I noticed that Jenni has big loopy earrings, and you know my thoughts on big loopy earrings. Girls who wear them like to have sex. Just my theory. Anyway, Jenni tells Brad she hasn’t stopped thinking about their kiss during the beach date. And Brad tells her that when she told him at the circus that she wants him to be the one she falls in love with, that really struck a chord with him. I gotta say, for it being so early in the show, they are making it awfully for us to think he doesn’t pick her. Every time they’re together, they’re kissing or touching each other and he loads her with compliments. So that means either one of two things: Either ABC wants us to think Brad picks Jenni this early, so we’re surprised in the end when he doesn’t, or, he picks her since she’s the first girl he kissed, the first girl he gave a rose to, and the first girl he laid pipe to. So in the end if he does pick, it’ll all be like a fairytale ending with horse carriages, and big white dresses, and rose petals everywhere. Because that’s what fairy tales have in them. I know this because I read children’s books.

-Back at the mansion, date box #2 arrives, and its for the group date. By process of elimination, this means that Didididididididididididi and Strippery Snitchy Jade will be going on the 2-on-1 date with one of them going home. As all the women are sitting around gossiping and being catty towards each other, it’s made perfectly clear that Dididididididididi and Delaney McCarten are the two girls that everyone hates the most. They don’t like the fact that any of the other girls don’t speak their mind. Because they do, and apparently, that’s important. Jade even curses out Dididdididididi for not letting her speak, and even calls her a b**ch and drops a few f-bombs. Jade can’t wait to go on her 2-on-1 date to expose Dididididididididi for the horrible person Jade thinks she is. I can’t wait either because something told me that plan would fail miserably or never even happen. Or both. I hate being right all the time.

-Back to Jenni and Brad’s kissing date. There was a lot of it. On the couch, with legs wrapped around each other and the like. These two seem to enjoy each others company. And tongues. Jenni is smitten: “I feel like he’s my boyfriend.” Uh oh. This could be a recipe for disaster. What if he doesn’t pick her. He’s been on three dates with her and already she’s becoming Ms. Protective. Hey Jenni, you might feel like he’s your boyfriend, but my man Brad still has eight other women back at the house he needs to stick his tongue into, so don’t get too excited yet. Right now, you’re the front runner. But you never know what ol’ Bettina has up her sleeve. Or that sexual predator Hillary. I guess you don’t need to worry about Stephy, or Delaney McCarten, or Jade because he’s already thrown them in the friend category and hasn’t tried to attack them with his mouth. They’ve been thrown in the “great personality” category, which on this show, is the kiss of death. And who knows, maybe Brad will pull a Brett Michaels at the end and ask the final two if they wouldn’t mind sharing him? Awesome. And yes, they’ve already begun casting for season 2 of “Rock of Love” since Jes already dumped him. Gee, never saw that one coming.

-So the group date is at an Improv class called Comedy Sports LA. Talk about high comedy. I was laughing so hard, my sides were splitting. And by “laughing so hard”, I mean “puking”. Ummm, this was not funny. Nor entertaining or mildly amusing. But Brad seemed to get a kick out of it banging away on his cowbell for God knows what reason. Anyway, one of the activities was being given a prop and using it for something that it’s not supposed to be used as. Because, you know, that’d be funny. Sillary said something about things being bigger in Texas while holding up a phallic symbol. Hilarious. Sign her up for the Groundlings. Bettina, however, took it a step further by yelling out, “Brad, I love you!” into a party hat. Afterwards she said she was embarrassed by it because she meant it. Bettina is in love with Brad. This is the time in the column where I would normally make fun of her for being in love with someone she’s been out on three dates with, but I don’t have energy anymore. It speaks for itself. Utterly ridiculous. But nonetheless, I decided to stick my head in a scalding pan of hot water. Ahhhhhhhh…much better now.

-Another hilarious activity they had to do was beg Brad for a rose while acting like a dog. Because, you know, humans acting like dogs is always a 10 on the comedy scale. What’s funnier than that? Tell me, what? Didn’t think so. See, the producers know what they’re doing. Shee-ra and her breasts are rolling around on the floor and asking Brad if he wants to rub her belly. Hillary is right in her element, because she’s silly and all, and she tells Brad she’ll pant for a rose. Oh, I bet she will. That’s not the only reason she’ll be panting. Her sexual chemistry is about at a -8 right now on the sexual chemistry meter, so she better think of something fast. Panting is definitely a start. Something tells me though she might have to physically do something to herself to make her start panting as well, and, well, this is a PG rated column and I would never dare suggest anything further than that. Hillary, you’re on your own. Good luck. Get the one that takes DD batteries.

-One woman who’s having a major problem being funny is Kristy. Why? Because apparently, she’s not a funny person. And she doesn’t like being put on the spot. And she’s not funny. Did I mention that? Here’s an example of her not being funny. Each girl had to wear a costume and flirt with Brad while in character of the costume they were wearing. Sillary was a cheerleader and said something about Brad making her poms poms all sweaty. Something like that. Something definitely hilarious. Because this is the improv and there’s supposed to be comedy involved. Kristy was up next dressed as I don’t even know what. I think a hooker. She says, “My name is Sugar. I’m looking for a little spice.” And then, I think, comedy came to a grinding halt. And Kristy started crying. Next scene has her with Brad telling him she “doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression….I can have fun….I’m out of my element….I’m the most unfunny person in the world, but please don’t hold it against me.” There was A LOT of crying on the show last night. A LOT. Basically every girl that thought she was unsafe heading into the Rose Ceremony, cried. Who knows? Maybe it was because producers were talking to them about their dead grandmother. Hey Kate, said it, not me.

-After all the hilarity died down, it was time for Brad to give someone a rose. Brad: “Each woman has far exceeded anything I expected out of them.” They have? They did? How? Did I miss something? Were they putting on a stand-up comedy clinic? Brad must be easily amused because watching that class was about as funny as color coordinating my sock drawer. So anyway, he gave the rose to Bettina because she’s good looking and not because she’s the next Chelsea Handler, that’s for sure. I guess her telling him that she loved him was good enough to earn a rose. Hey, whatever it takes. You can’t fault the divorcee. She needs to pull out all the stops in this one. Maybe even fake an ankle injury, a la Bevin. Got her to the final two, so you never know. I wonder if Bettina called Bevin before the show started to talk divorcee strategy. I would’ve loved to have listened in on that conversation. I think Bettina has a chance to win. And that chance would be “not on God’s green earth.”

-So it’s time for the Jade/Didididididididi 2-on-1 Smackdown date. The one where Jade stops at nothing to get her man, degrading Didididididididi in the process, and making sure Brad knows exactly what type of conniving, cold hearted, b**ch she is. In other words, Jade does nothing this date. The only thing Jade seems to have going for her is that she has a skirt that is riding about 10 inches above her knee. Hell, Didididididididi was so confident, she went with suit pants on this date. Jade, that must really suck you dolled yourself up for tonight, did your hair all curly and what not, wore the short mini, and basically got clobbered by the chick in the white pants. Ouch. That had to be a swift kick to the ego.

-This was a great date of one-upsmanship. Very funny to watch. Every time Brad asked Jade something about herself and she gave a good answer, Didididididi would butt in with something better.

Brad: “How would you guys feel about moving to Austin?”
Jade: “I’d definitely move.”
Didididididi: “I’d move to. But I’d walk there. With just the clothes on my back. And no water.”
Jade: “Uhhhhhh….”

Jade: “I’ve always been a hard worker. I started working for myself at age 16.”
Didididididididi: “I started working at 14. In the coal mines. Ten hours a day for $.50 an hour. And then worked the night shift at Denny’s.”
Jade: “Uhhhhhh….”

Basically, it kept going back and forth and Jade was getting hammered in every way possible. Even if Dididididididi was making up half the sh** she was saying, Brad bought it. So when Jade got her 1-on-1 time, basically the only thing she could do was try and make out with him, but that didn’t happen. It was pretty obvious Brad knew exactly who he was picking heading into this date. Jade didn’t stand a chance and was cremated on every level by the chick in the white pants.

-Back at the mansion, Bettina lets the cat out of the bag and tells the ladies she’s been divorced. Every catty woman’s ears perked up after that like a bunch of sharks that smelled blood. They definitely weren’t letting this opportunity pass them by. Even Hillary Sillary Dock had her claws come out: “If I was in Brads shoes, I probably wouldn’t date someone who’s divorced. She’s like a used car. She’s been ridden for miles.” Actually, she didn’t say that last line. I did. Because I thought that was a great used car line to use for a divorcee. And, well, it’s true. Whether or not Bettina’s divorce comes back to bite her in the ass, remains to be seen. I don’t think it’ll matter against the likes of the Kristys, and Jades, and Shee-ra’s, and McCarten’s of the world, but against the almighty Jenni and Didididididididi, it could be tough.

-Back at the 2-on-1, Brad pretty much pulled Didididididi aside for some alone time just to make sure she was up for making out with him. She said something about not wearing her heart on her sleeve, but I don’t think he gave a rat’s ass. So, in front of both women, he presents the rose to Dididididididi and Jade is sent home. Brad got right to the point on this elimination. Brad: “What I have with DeAnne is simply not present with Jade.” And that is, a boner. As he’s walking Jade back to the limo, Brad is at a loss for words. “This is one of the more uncomfortable moments of my life. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” Sure you are. Now get back upstairs and jump in the hot tub with Didididididi as Jade cries to the camera. This was awesome. Very reminiscent of the first episode of Season 2 of “Laguna Beach”, where Kristin and all her friends are in the limo singing “Since You’ve Been Gone”, as the camera pans back to Lauren’s house and Stephen and Lauren are in the hot tub. I’m sure Jade really enjoyed watching that last night. We see her opening up and balling her eyes out in the limo, all the while getting cutaways to Brad and Didididididi half naked in the hot tub making out. Awesome. Bravo ABC. You did well.

-Time for the women to make their last impressions before Brad sends the obvious two home….errr….sends two unsuspecting women home. Dididididididi officially becomes the only remaining “villain” left on the show by telling us she’s “not here to make friends”. Never fails. Every single season we get that girl who makes it known she’s not here for anything else other than winning over the Bachelor’s heart. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks about her, she doesn’t care what they say about her, and she will do everything in her power to isolate herself from the rest of the crowd, but put on a happy face when the Bachelor comes around. In other words, Dididididididi is this seasons Moana, from Dr. Stork’s season. Or Trish, from Jesse Palmer’s season. There are others, but the those were the only two that came to mind. And in case you didn’t notice, those women all have something in common: they didn’t win. And neither will Didididididididi. Maybe the object isn’t to make friends, but when every woman in the show is against you, it never works out. Mr. Bachelor Boy eventually finds out, it bothers him that none of the other women like you, he begins to think you don’t get along well with women, and you get dumped. Sorry Dididididididi, the white pants just won’t be enough this season. Maybe next time.

-Kristy gets one last chance to show Brad how unfunny she is. And she does an amazing job. “I can be guarded….glad you saw me cry….I can come off as shielded…..Why did the chicken cross the road?” Brad tells Kristy he might actually be intimidated by her. “You’re such a lady, and so you’re so composed. What if I’m not refined enough to be with someone like you?” Uh oh. If I’m not mistaken, he just dropped the “You’re too good enough for me” card on her. Why would he tell her that? Oh yeah, I know. To set her up for when he eventually dumps her. Sucks to be Kristy. She bombed at the Improv, she’s not gonna end up with Brad, and she was just told she was too good for him. Triple whammy. Well, I hope you at least made some friends out of the experience. Because isn’t that what this is all about anyway? “Keep smiling….keep shining….knowing you can always count on me…..for sure….that’s what friends are for……” It takes a really big man to reveal his inner Dionne Warwick to a bunch of strangers. You’re welcome.

-Shee-ra gets some alone time and, wow, what do you know? She cries. Over what, I have no idea. Probably just wanted to show that she cares and has the ability to cry at the drop of a hat because she doesn’t know if she’s getting a rose or not. What’s helping her is that Brad’s brother really likes Shee-ra and her giant guns. So do I. Cute girl. She won’t win, but at least she can take solace in the fact that Reality Steve thinks she’s cute. I’m sure that’ll make this experience that much more special for her. It should. That’s what I’m here for. You don’t know how many former contestants I’ve touched with my loving praises of them. And I don’t know either. But I bet you its hundreds.

-Kristy, Bettina, McCarten, and DeAnna all gang up on Brad and ask him who his first kiss was with. Brad admitted it was with Jenni on the beach date. This sends the cattiness to a whole other level. Led by Bettina of all people. Bettina: “I thought she was the sluttiest in the house…Wow. A slut and a liar.” Ok, ok, back up here a second. Now, I know I jump to conclusions with everything that happens on this show, and I’m the first one to joke that the Bachelor sleeps with all the women, but c’mon. Jenni’s a slut because she kissed Brad first? Low blow. I’m not on Team Bettina anymore. That was pretty ridiculous to say. And she’s a liar for not telling you she kissed him? Yeah, like you were gonna go running to everyone when you finally kissed him too, right? I’m so glad I’m not a woman. I just like watching all the shows they watch.

-Now Bettina is crying because she found out Brad kissed Jenni. She tells Jenni to her face she feels like she’s treating this like a game, and not treating it serious like her. You know, someone who’s been divorced, and is now on a TV show trying to find her next husband. Serious stuff. Bettina: “I came here not wanting to care about the guy at all.” Huh? What? This woman is losing points fast with me. So you came on a TV show where the whole object is to maybe fall in love with the guy handpicked for you, yet, you’re trying to tell us that you came here not wanting to care about him? Ummm, then why did you sign up? Oh, because you live in Hermosa Beach, probably are working on a modeling or acting career, and needed to add something to your resume. Got it. How could I be so stupid?

-Rose Ceremony time. Didididididi, Jenni, and Bettina all have roses already. Three roses left for the 5 remaining women. You can cut the suspense with a knife. Or a pair of 3rd grade scissors. Brad’s time to make his thank you speech: “Tonight much different…..focus on the positives…fell lucky to have chance to get closer to you and possibly finding future wife…..McCarten, Stephy, you never had a chance….”

Kristy: Her acting sure sucks, but, it was still better than anything McCarten or Stephy brought to the table.

Shee-ra: I think it’s just so he could set his brother up with her once Chad gets a divorce.

“McCarten, Stephy….say your goodbyes. This rose isn’t going to you. When you’re ready Brad. We’re all waiting. Impatiently I might add since we knew who was going home about two nights ago. But go ahead, act concerned, act like this is tugging at your heart strings.”

Silly Hillary the Crier: She is very happy. Until next week.

-Stephy: “I definitely have a wall around my heart….Brad wasn’t the guy….maybe someday somebody will chip away at that wall…” We hardly knew ya’, Stephy. But I hope someone does break down that wall sometime. And please, give us an update on when that happens. We’re dying to know. Not really. I was trying to be nice, but it didn’t work. I bid you a farewell, Estephania. Now go try out for the “Bachelor: Argentina”.

-McCarten: “I could definitely see Brad being the father of my children and an amazing husband.” Ummm, someone told her he didn’t pick her, right? She knows she’s going home, doesn’t she? Isn’t that something she’d say maybe after the first night or two after meeting him? Why is she saying this on her way out of the door? That’s completely backwards. Like her name. Please, change it to Delaney McCarten for my sake. I like that better.

-They promoted next week as one of their all-time best shows in history. Kristy gets embarrassed again. Shee-ra gets “the most romantic date yet” (before pulling a Michele and tumbling down the stairs), and in “the most emotional moment in Bachelor history”, Hillary leaves the show. Yeah, she was crying. Imagine that. How do I know her leaving will revolve around the phrase, “I’m having a really hard time with Brad dating other women”. You just know it’s coming.

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