Archive for March, 2008
-Before we get started, let’s address the #1 thing people seem to want to know about right now, and that’s how Maddie’s doing. Things are getting better, no doubt. She’s still a little shy, but warming up to me by the day. I mean, she has slept in bed with me every night, but still, when I’m home just watching TV or on the computer, she either chooses to hang out under the bed by herself, or just stays on top of the bed. My room has become her sanctuary. If put her out in the den and close my door, she constantly scratches on it wanting in, no matter how many times I tell her no. So I guess I can forget about ever sleeping alone again the rest of my life. Either I’ll be with someone I’m dating, or it’ll be Maddie. Or both. I really don’t want to think about what’s gonna happen when an actual living, breathing, female spends the night. The chances of Maddie staying in the den, with me in my bed, are slim and none. Oh yeah, she snores too. I’m still dealing with that. And the last couple times I’ve gotten home, I found her on my bed with:
1) One of my dress shoes
2) A pack of gum - didn’t eat any of it. It was just laying on the bed.
3) My glasses
4) One of my flip flops
So it looks like when I leave, I’m gonna have to start closing my bedroom door. She already took apart my glasses, and my shoe has a little rip in it now. Other than that, she’s been great. Best decision I ever made. In the next couple weeks, I’m sure I’ll put a picture of her up. I just need to take some for that to happen. I’m not one that’s going to dress her, or inundate you with pictures of her, or give you weekly updates on what she ate or what toys she plays with. That’s not me. Just know she’s great, I’m glad I’ve got her, and this’ll probably be the last you hear of me speaking about her unless something major happens. You come here to read about the Bachelor, not hear what Maddie‘s been up to. Although, she is so damn cute, I don’t blame you. But I do thank you all who emailed me giving me advice on her. I really do appreciate it.
-Second order of business is I will be back in L.A. all next week on vacation. I have my fantasy baseball draft and my nephews first birthday 6 days apart, so I figured I’d make a whole week trip out of it. With me being out of town, I expect next weeks column to be up on its normal Tuesday morning, but you never know. All bets are off when I’m out of town, but I will do my best to make sure it’s on time. I don’t have anything planned Monday night right now, but, I never know what’s gonna pop up with old friends or whatever, so I promise to do my best. Also, due to my vacation, Dr. Reality Steve won’t resume until I get back. Would’ve been too much of a hassle to deal with, especially if I bring in a guest columnist.
-And lastly, usually on the Bachelor columns, you readers leave a lot more comments than you do on other columns. Which is fine. Comments are encouraged. Good, bad, indifferent - I don’t care. Outside of any personal attacks or anything vulgar, I leave all comments on there. The only thing is, some of you leave comments that ask me questions. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve never written comments in my own comment blog. If you have a question for me, feel free to just email me if you really want an answer. I don’t check the comments section often enough to respond to everything. But I’m pretty much near my email 24 hours a day, so, you’ll get a quicker response that way. Just a heads up. Ok, onto last night….
-Last night was a very weird show for me for two reasons: 1) A few girls that I didn’t notice at all last week, or didn’t think were attractive, suddenly became attractive to me last night. And 2) Is it just me, or am I feeling a major disconnect with Matt and the girls this season? I feel like everything is forced. I mean, it’s forced every season to a certain extent because they have such a short time frame to get to know this person, but, this one seems extra forced. Hard to explain. Just not feeling any connection with anyone right now. Maybe it’s just because I just watched “Dancing with the Stars” and this is the worst cast they’ve ever assembled. Something is just not right about this season already. All the guys suck except for Mario and Jason Taylor, and even though no one is supposed to be a good dancer coming into this thing, this season, there’s REALLY no one who’s any good. Except Kristi Yamaguchi. And she won’t win because she’s a female. Females don’t win “DWTS”. You know why? Because it’s watched by 95% women, voted on by 100% women, and well, women don’t like women. Plain and simple.
-So it begins with group date box #1. Ashlee, Kristine, Marshanna, Noelle, Michelle P., Amanda the Hiccup Queen, Erin, and Holly. Before we go any further, I must apologize for something from last week. I totally dropped the ball on Michelle P. You know, the one who broke out her clarinet and gave the “it has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” line? Anyway, I can’t believe I didn’t link her to, “And this one time, at band camp….” girl from American Pie. I mean, c’mon. How could I miss that? The red hair, the musical instrument, the sexual innuendo? I’m an idiot. But congrats, Michelle. You’re now Band Camp Michelle from here on out. Well, at least until the end of this episode. If only you would’ve stuck around longer, I probably could’ve come up with a new name for you considering the X-rated song you busted out for Matt during your alone time with him. Geez. I thought she plagarized the lyrics from the Divinyls “I Touch Myself”. Sounded awfully close.
-The 8 girls were invited to a fashion show, but the surprise was they were going to be the models in it. This is right up Marshanna’s alley. She’s a fashion designer and she was, well, I think Miss Black Awareness in Queens. Sexual Chocolate performed at that pageant. And that’s where Akeem fell in love with Lisa McDowell. I’m sorry. Top 5 comedy of all time. If you disagree, you’re wrong. “MISTER RANDY…..WATSON!!!!!!” Anyway, Marshanna loves modeling. Here’s her motto: “Stand tall, walk proud, stomp it out, and send the other girls home.” I’m having a real hard time grasping Marshanna winning any pageant, let alone Miss Whatever New York that she won. Let’s just say if Marshanna were to ever perform the act of fellatio, it’d be like giving a whale a tic tac. Yes, I’ve used that line before a while back. Yes, I actually heard that from a black female comedian once. Yes, it’s damn funny. And yes, it’s true. And the never ending forehead doesn’t do it for me either. “SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!!!!”
-There was really nothing all too exciting about the women on the catwalk. Everyone was overdone with their make up and hair, and all in all, it was just each girl walking out, having Matt tell them they looked sexy, then clapping. Riveting stuff I tell you. The good stuff happened when it was over and Matt took all of them to a hotel suite in Hollywood. First up, Miss Black Awareness has something on her mind and she needs to get to the bottom of it. She pulls Matt aside and asks him his thoughts on interracial dating. If you couldn’t see this answer coming from 1,000 miles away, then you’re not bright. Matt gave the most PC answer imaginable. “It’s never come into my head….I don’t even notice the color of your skin….You’re black? I thought you were just really tan.” Or something like that. I mean really. What’s he supposed to say? “Actually, never dated a black woman and never wanted to. I don’t know why they cast you.” Please.
-Now it’s time for Band Camp Michelle to show us her talents. No, she won’t be blowing into a clarinet, or sticking it…..forget it. Michelle has written a little song for Matt. She just sings him the chorus. That’s too bad. I was really anxious to hear the other three verses to this x-rated beauty. Here it goes:
“I want to feel you. I want you to feel me.
I want to touch you. I want you to touch me.
I want to feel you. I want you to feel me.
I want to find you, in front of me.”
Yeah, she thought of that all by herself. Very creative. I wonder where she came up with such diverse lyrics? I do something, then you do the same thing in return. I’ll repeat that a couple times, just in case you missed it the first time around. Why did this show turn into “Bachelor Idol” again last night? And why do these women constantly feel the need to sing to Matt? I’m a guy with a pretty good grasp on what guys like. I can flat out tell you that we could care less if you can sing a song for us. It’s more awkward than anything. I know you’re putting out an effort and its something different, but still, we don’t care. It’s been studied and theorized over and over again that the less women open their mouths to talk and sing, the more likely it is the guy will want to have sex with them. It’s true. Look it up.
-Ashlee, who performed an equally awful song last week, gets her alone time now. Throw Ashlee into the category of “women that I didn’t really notice last week that I now want to have relations with”. Even if she does look like that actress Leelee Sobieski. Ashlee wants to know if Matt wants her. “I just want to know if you’re into me.” I think Matt said he was. Then Ashleelee says, “I’ve been staring at your lips all day.” I guess that was her subtle way of saying, “Hey, come here chap and suck my face off.” Which he did. And she got a rose for it, so she’s safe from elimination and pretty much made sure the other seven girls knew about it. Prancing around like a 5 year old telling everyone “I got a rose! I got a rose! Nanny nanny billy goat!”. Very mature. But she’s hot, so it doesn’t matter.
-The next group date takes place in Vegas with the other seven girls: Carri, Robin, Kelly, Shayne, Chelsea, Erin S., Amy, and Erin S. Matt says he’s never been to Vegas. Shayne says she’s been there like “1,000 times.” This girl is 22 mind you. Yet she’s been to Vegas a lot already. Uh oh. Sounds like someone’s been working the pole on the weekends. So each girl gets $1000 in chips, they have a half hour to play, and whoever has the most money at the end gets a ½ hour with Matt for smoochie time. Carri immediately gave out the cheesiest line of the night: “I like blackjack, but I think really what I’m gonna be gambling with is my heart.” Barf. Why none of the girls actually decided to play blackjack is beyond me. Roulette is boring and dumb and your odds of winning big are minimal. But there they all were watching the little white ball spin around and land on numbers that weren’t theirs.
-Robin had an interesting strategy on this date. She just figured that since all the girls would eventually lose, she’d just not play and hope that her $1000 would be enough at the end. I can’t say I blame her, other than it makes her look about as fun as a wet blanket. Shayne on the other hand was the complete opposite. This gambling fiend obviously needs to check herself into GA after throwing all $2000 that she had on red. It came up black, so she was broke and it ultimately led to her pissy attitude the rest of the night. Talk about Debbie Downer. Geez. Could Shayne have possibly sucked any more life out of a Vegas trip if she tried? Not that losing two grand to her is a big deal - she probably drops that every time she’s in Vegas with daddy. Or her sugar daddy. Shayne ultimately became “that” girl last night. You know “that” girl. The one that can’t handle that Matt is not only dating her, but 14 other women. We see it every season. Inevitably, one of these girls doesn’t understand how the Bachelor can do that. And since Shayne is 22 and she’s the one used to playing guys, all is not fair anymore. I think she went off and stomped her feet somewhere while pouting.
-Kelly won with the most chips. During her alone time, I got the impression that Kelly either a) talks reaaaaalllllly slllllloooowwww, or b) is hammered. Could be both. She tells us that in her alone time, Matt learned that she is “nice, cool, and I can handle my alcohol.” Well, are you giving your panties away like the slutbag from last week? No, you’re not. So I guess in that sense you can handle your alcohol better than her. I’m just not so sure your battery hasn’t been on low the whole night. I’m having trouble figuring this girl out. Seems like she could be one of those drunks that gets real quiet, and somber, and tries to be over seductive. I guess that’s better than being the loud mouth drunk who’s completely obnoxious and makes sure everyone hears everything she says when she’s hammered. There needs to be a woman out there who is in between that. It’s always either one or the other. Why does alcohol need to be an excuse for your behavior? Never understood that one. Such an easy cop out.
-Chelsea gets some alone time, and decides that the arm wrestling match probably isn’t the way to go this time. You can also add Chelsea to the list of women who I didn’t have an opinion about one way or another last week to now I’d let bear my children. I know. Very gracious of me. Something incredibly sexy about her. Maybe it’s her voice. But after last night, I think she’s got final four potential. Matt seems to like her and her biceps. And we found out during the final credits that she’s double jointed. And that’s always a good thing. That means she can bend a lot of ways that maybe your average sexual partner can’t. You know, if that stuff came in handy or anything. Chelsea says she “does great things, but sometimes I get lonely. I want to share those great things with somebody.” Gulp. Well, for the time being, why don’t you just share those lonely times with yourself? And record it? Then put it up on YouTube. Or just send it to my email. Whatever one works best for you. I’m here to help.
-Robin’s turn to try and knock Matt’s socks off. She does her best by sitting on his lap while playing the piano. I’m pretty sure this angered a lot of the other women since they’d all like to be sitting on Matt’s lap and talking about the first thing that pops up. Ba-dum-bump. Thank you. I’ll be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress. I think that was the first perverted joke I ever heard then re-told. If you can even call that perverted. Wow. I’ve come a long way. Going from telling corny “sit on my lap” jokes to asking Chelsea if she wouldn’t mind putting a video on YouTube of herself double clicking her mouse. I tell ya’, I’m really proud of how far I’ve come in this world. Maybe by next year, I’ll be getting into bestiality humor. I’m goin’ places, people. And oh yeah, Chelsea got the rose for the night.
-Back at the mansion, it’s time for the cocktail party where the women pull out the desperation card in hopes of getting a rose. Robin had one of the more interesting ways of going about this. She decided to play the “pretend game” with Matt. At least that’s what she called it. I call it “forced love”. She tells Matt, “Pretend we just met, accidentally, somewhere in England, what would you do next?” Translation: I ain’t leaving here until your tongue is jammed in my throat and this is the only thing I could come up with. So get on with it, limey. They kissed and lived happily ever after. Speaking of limey, some of you brought to my attention last week that I referred to Matt as a frog, which is a derogatory term to call French people, not English people. You’re right, I stand corrected. I would never insult the French on purpose, you know, being that their the most kind, fun loving, and wonderfully smelling people on earth. My apologies, frogs.
-Marshanna went to the bottom of the deck for her desperation card. She knows that Ashleelee’s been in his mouth. Robin just returned from her alone time without her lip gloss on, so Marshanna’s gonna do what Marshanna’s gonna do. And that’s get some of that English tongue in her mouth. Marshanna: “These lips. They’re waiting. For you.” Yes, she said that. And yes, acknowledged her lips which makes things much easier for me. At least I can do the same now without getting complaint emails calling me bad names. Let’s not beat around the bush people. Her mouth is HUGE. No other way around it. So she’s slow dancing with Matt, looking directly into his eyes, just waiting for him to plant one on her, but he goes with the, “I wanted to kiss Marshanna, but, the other girls were watching through the window and I didn’t think it’d be appropriate.” Uh huh. Sure you did. Just admit you feared getting your whole faced sucked off and we’ll call it even.
-The “Bachelor Idol” continues as now Carri decides it’s a good idea to sing for Matt. However, she pulls out her best Macaroni Grill singing waitress impression and does opera. Not half bad. Just awkward watching one person, sitting a foot away from you, belt out in opera voice for just one other person. I think Matt said he loved it when she was done, but then again, what’s he supposed to say. Yes, I give her credit for doing it. But I just don’t understand where women would think that would ultimately turn a man on. Really? It’s not like opera is very soft and melodic. You’re basically screaming into his face. People, just quit it with the songs. In the past, it’s always been horrible poetry that these women resort to. Believe it or not, I’m actually beginning to miss that. Remember the chick last season talking about the patch of hair on Brad’s ear. Pure gold.
-Shayne uses her time to apologize for her 6th grade behavior in Vegas. 6th grade might be a little extreme. I’d say 4th. However, because she’s blonde and the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas, Matt digs her. In fact, he says, “I fancy the pants off you”. Hmmmm, now I don’t know what that translates to in real English speak, but I’ll guess it means he wouldn’t mind snogging her. Call me crazy. Why does Shayne look like everyone’s younger sister? That girl is 22? Really? Matt, before you lay pipe, you might want to check ID on that one. If you told me she was 17, I’d believe you.
-Rose ceremony time. And our resident Hiccup Queen Amanda has started in with her uncontrollable “stressed induced hiccups”, as she likes to call them. She actually calls it the “meeps”, since that’s the sound it makes. Cute. And terribly annoying. Amanda could be the girl he’s attracted to most, he could be the one he sees as his wife someday, and she could be perfect in every way for him. But there’s no way that something like “meeping” wouldn’t factor into his decision. It has to. If there’s a known cure for it, then no, it wouldn’t. But that is something you’d have to deal with the rest of your life, I don’t think I’m being cold here when I say, well, there’s no chance in hell any guy could put up with that.
-Ashleelee and Chelsea already with roses, and probably on their way to the final four. Matt’s turn to spew some B.S.: “This is all like a dream….thank you for the last 2 days…thank you for putting up with my different language….and I hope to shag all of you at some point.”
Robin: Her “pretend” game worked. I’ll just pretend I never saw it.
Holly: Still one my favorites, yet we’ve seen nothing from her for two weeks now.
Erin S.: Yet another we saw nothing from this episode.
Hiccup Queen: She “meeped” when she was walking towards him. I think he rolled his eyes.
Kelly: Is she wearing the worst dress or is it just me? I think it’s cotton.
Amy: Couldn’t tell you one thing about this chick.
Kristine: Ditto for her.
Marshanna: Call all the news stations. The token black girl has made it 2 rounds. I think that’s a record for this show.
Noelle: Very disappointed we got nothing from her this episode. However, if you visit www.drakesistersphotography.com, you can find a little about what Michelle does in her spare time. She’s also done some acting. Shocker. Had bit parts in “House” and the movie “Red Eye”. Not bad. I’m sure “The Bachelor” will fill out that resume just perfectly.
“Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready to give it to that teenager, let us call her dad first and make sure it’s ok. We don’t want any lawsuits. (Chris makes call). It’s ok Matt. Daddy says she can stay out an hour later now. Just no touching below her waist.
Shayne: Said she almost had a heart attack waiting for her rose. I did too. The suspense killed me since we saw you in the previews in future episodes.
-So Carri, Erin H., and Band Camp Michelle are goners. Carri, I hate to tell ya’, but I think it was the opera singing that did you in. Or biting through a beer can. Either one, I hope you enjoyed your stay. Band Camp girl, same thing. The singing did you in. Not so much that it was bad….ok, it was bad….but that Matt needed a little more out of that chorus. Repeating the same line twice in a 4 line chorus probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do. But she’ll bounce back. You know how I know? Because she said so. Band Camp Michelle: “I’m gonna go back and see my cat….have her prrrrr again….and lay with me….she’s the love of my life at the moment.” Ok, maybe not. Cats suck. Maddie’s the best.
-Dr. Reality Steve will return in two weeks, so remember, any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, Match.com stories, one night stand stories, feel free to email them all at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week, when I hopefully will have everything up on Tuesday morning. If you’re in the L.A. area, drinks are on me. I think. See ya….
The Bachelor Links
March 25th, 2008
-Well, well, well. Another “Bachelor” season is upon us. But before I start in on what I think of that limey frog here to take all our American women, I feel the need to update everyone on a new personal development in my life. Very rarely do I delve into my personal life in this column, but I feel I could share this with you. Yes, believe it or not, a female has entered the picture. And I couldn’t be happier. She moved in with me last night, and although it started off a little shaky, it seems to be getting better. She’s a 3 year old, 36 pound beagle that I got from the Humane Society this past weekend. I’d wanted a dog for a while, imparticular a beagle, but I was debating whether or not to wait until I got a house because I had read beagles were pretty active and needed space. Not this one. I think I’ve officially found the most low maintenance beagle on the planet. Spent an hour with her at the pet store on Saturday, she moved in Sunday night, and she has yet to bark, howl, or whine even once. She might still be a little scared since she spent 5 hours Sunday night under the bed and wouldn’t come out, then another 6 hours yesterday under there, but since then, she seems to be warming up a bit. I’m still in a one week trial run with her and then I make a decision whether I want to keep her, but there’s no doubt I’m keeping her. I just wish she wasn’t so scared and acted like she actually liked me. Oh well. I guess that takes time. But I definitely made the right decision.
-Her name is Maddie, but I haven’t decided if I’m gonna keep that name. I mean, she’s been called that for 3 years, but it’s not like she’s responding when I call her that anyway…ha ha. I could call her Maddie or Darryl or Penelope or Ahmed, either way, she’s pretty much keeping to herself right now. I guess this all has to do with her getting used to her new environment. Is this normal? Whatever the case, I’m keeping Maddie and am very happy with this decision. She was owner surrendered because they had an 8 year old son with asthma and the doctor told them it was probably best to get rid of the dog. Damn. That had to be harsh. Their loss is my gain though. Probably the one thing I love most about Maddie so far? She doesn’t lie, she isn’t phony, she doesn’t tell me things she thinks I want to hear, she’s not looking for a sugar daddy, and she isn’t pretentious. And as far as I know, she’s not dating 10 other dogs. Man, if only my dating life were this easy, I’d be the happiest guy on earth. Whatever the case, I always thought I’d get a male dog, so I had male dog names in my head. Now that I have a female, I’m clueless if I want to change her name or just keep it as is. Not sure how long the adjustment would be if I did decide to go with another name, so I’m kinda leaning towards keeping it at Maddie. But if I do change it, what do I name her? Any help would be appreciated. But now, lets get to the real reason why you visit RealitySteve.com every Tuesday morning…..
-So, I was leery about Matt before the show even started when I read some of the quotes he gave during interviews. Here’s one:
“I want to break any cliches that might exist around English men or British men…I don’t eat many crumpets. I don’t actually drink that much tea.”
Well, I sure hope not since that’d make you totally gay. Like, Danny Noriega gay. Actually, I don’t know if Danny Noriega from “Idol” eats crumpets or drinks tea. I just know he’s gay. How do I know? Ummmm, did you watch his “Tainted Love” performance? Whoa. The purple highlights, the scarf, the tight jeans…..need I say more? And oh yeah, all straight men act like he does too.
“I feel that there are certain connotations attached to the typical British, sort of the Hugh Grant, mumbling fool sort of thing.”
You got that right, chap. Or lad. Or douche. If Hugh Grant is the standard by which all British men should be judged, you’re in serious trouble. He likes $40 bj’s from ugly ass hookers in cars on Sunset Blvd. At least he could’ve found a good looking one. C’mon, Hugh. You’re gonna cheat on Elizabeth Hurley with that thing? Seriously? Pathetic. By the way, Matt is dead on in his statement. I 100% percent, without a doubt, associate all British men with Hugh Grant. So needless to say, I’m not a fan of Matt Grant and his tiny fish mouth right now. Hey, I can be swayed, but there’s really nothing about the British that excites me in any way, shape, or form. And I say this without ever having been to Europe in my life. Yes, I’m an American snob and proud of it. So there.
And about his expectations heading into the show, here’s what he said:
“I’m just hoping that, one, I can find the love of my life, and two, I can have some fun as well on the way.”
Translation: If I get a wife out of this, yippee. If not, I’m gonna try and break the record for most women snogged by a Bachelor. Shagged, snogged, flogged, knobbed, whatever they call it. Stupid Brits. The only British person on television I like right now is Carly Smithson from “Idol”. I can handle her. As for her husband with the completely tatooed covered face? Not so much.
-So what did we learn during Host Chris and Matt’s fireside chat? Well, Matt deals with “high net worth individuals” in his big financing world. So that means on a daily basis, he’s dealing with large numbers, a bunch of money, and a snobby uptight Brits. There’s an oxymoron. But he still says it’s hard to meet someone genuine. Ding! Ding! Ding! Well, now there’s one thing Matt and I have in common. And what better way to find a decent genuine woman, than on a reality dating show that has produced one true marriage in 14 seasons. Boy, those Brits sure are bright ones, huh? According to what I’ve read, Matt had never seen the show before he went on and didn’t want to watch any past seasons because he didn’t want to have any pre-conceived notions. I guess I can respect that - if I believed it. You’re telling me he agreed to go on a show and didn’t want to know any of the background of it? Please. You mean to tell me Bob Guiney isn’t a household name overseas? Shocking.
-Couldn’t we have picked a better weather night for the introduction of the ladies. Cold, wet, rainy…have we ever had that before? Not that I can remember. And the most disappointing aspect of it? Not one of the 25 women had their headlights on when walking up to meet him in the freezing temperatures. Boooooooooooooooooo. Since it’s really difficult to comment on all 25 girls, I’ll just mention the ones who made an impression on me. Which was 16 of them.
Amanda R.: From Niceville, Fla. She lived in England for 4 years. Brunette. Attractive. And come to find out later, she has a major hiccupping problem. I’m sure that wouldn’t get too annoying after, oh I don’t know, five minutes. And Niceville, Fla sounds like it should be in a Disney movie.
Amy: She was blonde and kinda reminded me of Marcia Brady.
Devon: Told him she’s from Texas and he said he’s never been there. That’s ok. We don’t want you here, frog. I don’t remember if Devon was attractive or not.
Kristine: She’s from North Carolina. Mr. Geography responds, “Where’s that?” Ummm, don’t they teach geography in England? In 5th grade, doesn’t he have to memorize the 50 states and their capitals? Hey, I don’t expect him to give me the longitude and latitude coordinates of North Carolina, but I’d expect him to have an idea where it is. I guess he only concerns himself with high net worth individuals though. Geography? Pssshhhh.
Chelsea: She arm wrestles for fun. I have very few rules when it comes to dating women. I just know one of them is never date one who can match me in arm wrestling.
Erin H.: Looked like she had a ring on her finger. But in actuality, it’s just a placeholder for when someone finally proposes to her and gives her a real one. Wow. Not too presumptuous, are we?
Rebecca: Our first of 3 girls who sported the awful Katie Holmes haircut. Ummm, just because Katie Holmes has been brainwashed and turned into a Stepford wife, doesn’t mean women across America need to be styling their hair like her, does it? If her a Victoria Beckham turn into the next Jennifer Aniston in terms of women copying their hairstyles, I think I’ll fill out my priesthood paperwork sooner rather than later.
Erin S.: Matt’s been doing this with everyone, and I guess he has an excuse because he’s from Britain, but he gives every girl the double kiss when he greets them. So unnecessary. Kinda loses its meaning when you do it 25 times in a row, doesn’t it? Oh yeah, Erin S.’s occupation? Hot Dog Vendor. She works at Hog Dog on a Stick in that ridiculous uniform, bouncing up and down making lemonade? That’s not too degrading in the least bit.
Michelle P.: Bright red hair, and incredibly pale skin. I think she should fall asleep in the tanning bed for, I don’t know, 24 hours. Then she’ll be perfect. And another thing I noticed Matt does? Watches every girl walk away into the house so he can check out their ass.
Shayne: Before the show had started, I had read that Lorenzo Lamas’ daughter was on the show. This is her. And if you don’t think that will lead to as many “Grease” references as I can shove in there, then you don’t know me too well.
Marshana: The token black woman this season who’s a fashion designer from NY, designed her own hideous dress, and I think she said won Miss NY at some point. Really? Miss NY? Her? Exactly who was judging that competition may I ask?
Amanda P.: This is the Amanda that doesn’t hiccup uncontrollably. This one lives in Vegas, so she brought Matt a fuzzy pick dice that matched her dress. She also looks about 12. Wearing hot pink, just moved to Vegas, looks incredibly young….uh huh. Sounds to me like she’s working the pole out there.
Holly: For my money, one of the better looking girls on the show. All in all, I’d actually say this is one of the better looking group of girls they’ve ever had. So at least they got that going for them.
Stacey: Our resident mess of a woman. I think all the collagen shot into her lips might’ve gotten to her brain. ABC even played some quasi-porn music when she stepped out of the limo. Trust me. I rewound it. That was a good job of foreshadowing on their part.
Noelle: I have a feeling this girl lasts a while. Probably my 2nd favorite on the show so far. Cute girl. And yes, those were fake.
-So the party starts in the house, and immediately, UFC Chelsea starts in on Matt to that arm wrestling match she promised him. Is this really the first impression you want to make? I can’t really say many guys would be turned on by the fact you’re a champion arm wrestler. Call me crazy. Of course Matt, being the British gentleman that he is, let her win. Good call. She might’ve body slammed you if you hadn’t. Or socked you one right in the kisser. That’s a British phrase, right? No? Oh well. I tried. I’m really not looking forward to hearing a bunch of phrases that don’t make any sense to me. And oh yeah, Matt’s impression of American women? Terrible. And this guy’s an actor. Yeah, if you didn’t read last week’s column, it’s right after this one. But basically Matt is an actor, has been in a couple UK movies, and has pretty much moved here to pursue the same thing. I’m sure he was a banker at some point, but lets make no mistake, ABC isn’t bringing some guy all the way from overseas because they think he’s an attractive banker.
-One girl I didn’t mention coming out of the limo’s was Carri. Probably because she acted normal, wasn’t wearing anything hideous, and didn’t try too hard when she met him. No, she saved that for when she got inside. Some other girl was boring Matt to tears (I think it was the girl who worked for George Bush and Karl Rove), so Carri decides to do what any girl in that situation would do when they’re being ignored: She bites through a beer can and rips off a piece for Matt. Ummmm, thank you? Is that really a talent you should share with him so early? Now, maybe fetching him a beer when he’s watching some polo or rugby match on television might work a little better. When you’re in your apron. And barefoot. After baking a cake. Ok, I’ll shutup now.
-Ashlee is a little spinner who somehow got to bring her guitar to the party so she could play Matt a song she wrote for him. The words were awful and she was practically laughing the whole song so her voice tailed off. But of course Matt, being the British gentleman that he is, did his trademark move of the night: He clapped and said, “That was awesome!” Sure it was. “American Idol” is calling right now. In fact, tonight ended up being a mini “American Idol” show when Michelle P., the pale red headed girl, busted out her clarinet to play for him. What’s next? Host Chris becomes a judge and tells them they’re too pitchy? Although Michelle P. did get off the line of the night when she was putting her clarinet together. The first piece of the clarinet, hell if I remember what its called, went in her mouth first. When asked why, her response: “It has to be wet in order for it to vibrate”. That’s what she said. It was before 9:30 when that line was aired. Maybe ABC will get fined for that.
-Now it’s time to meet Stacey, our resident slut bag and all around trashy mess. She was sharing time with one of the other girls, when she blurted out, “This is all very boring.” So when Matt asked her to offer some information about herself, she came up with this beauty: “I want to find a pharmaceutical that’ll cure something that no one has ever thought of.” And that was it. Kinda ended the thought right there for whatever reason. Probably the alcohol. Or the meth she had stashed away in her purse. Then when Matt asked her what she knew about England, she mentioned hybrid cars. A total waste of space this woman was. But oh no, she wasn’t done. After leaving, while Matt is talking to someone else, she marches back into the room and gives him her underwear by oh so subtly sticking it down his pants. Now, it was never revealed as to if those were an extra pair or the actual pair she was wearing last night, but if I had to guess, I’m sure it was the ones she was wearing. Yes, she was that trashy. And if you can believe it or not, Stacey has a giant tramp stamp going on. I know, shocking isn’t it? It just exudes class.
-Matt pulls Shayna aside for some alone time and Shayna admits to the camera that her father is Lorenzo Lamas, but just tells Matt that all her family is in the entertainment industry. Not like Matt would have a clue to who Lorenzo Lamas because, well, he seems more like a Danny Zuko guy. She should’ve just told him, “Yeah, my dad was the guy that Sandy started bumping after Danny tried to act cool in front of the T-birds. They used to hang out at the malt shop and listen to the jukebox for fun. But then when that tramp Sandy went running back to Danny because he had a cool black leather jacket, my dad was forced to impregnate the annoying Patty Simcox.” I’m sure Matt totally would’ve understood that. I always thought Patty Simcox was a closet lesbian and was only using Tom for his status on campus. And no doubt, I have way too much time on my hands. On a personal note: Maddie just crawled under my bed again for the 6th time in the 2 days she’s been here. She either: a) doesn’t like me b) doesn’t like people c) doesn’t like the light d) all of the above. Did I mention she sleeps under the covers too? Oh well. She’s cute as hell and I’m keeping her.
-So, it’s time for the first impression rose and Matt shocks the whole house by giving it to the Hiccup Queen, Amanda R. Shocking in that, from what we’d seen on camera, they hadn’t spent any time together. And as far as we know, he’s yet to be informed of her chronic hiccupping. The only she has going for her right now was she was the first girl out of the limo. So I guess that made a good enough impression on him for her to last. She’ll definitely be around a while. First impression rose winners usually are. Then again, it also means she probably won’t win. For some reason, Amanda kinda reminds me of Isla Fisher. Not the hair, or the size, or the body type, but just in the face. So needless to say, I’m a fan of Amanda. Just not the hiccupping. I have a feeling something like that would drive me up a wall after a while. Here’s a glass of water.
-Rose Ceremony time, and Matt has his speech down pat. “Can’t thank you enough…..I’m privileged….I’m humbled….25 impressive individuals….before I came here, I thought I loved American women…now I know I love American women…..let’s snog.” Women receiving roses:
Chelsea: I guess he likes her biceps.
Shayna: Lorenzo must be so proud. His daughters resume is growing by the day.
Michelle P.: Let’s hope her first group date is to “Sunset Tan”. Honestly, I think he kept her around for the “it has to be wet in order for it to vibrate” line. I would’ve.
Marshana: Really gotta love that self made mess she’s wearing. That takes some guts.
Ashlee: “Ashlee, Randy said it was pitchy, Paula loved everything about you, and Simon doesn’t think you’re a star. America voted. Ashlee…you are in the final 15.”
Noelle: Reality Steve wants you.
Erin S.: This was the girl he was with when Stacey McSlutbag stuffed her underwear down his pants. Probably a sympathy rose.
Amy: I can’t even picture her right now.
Carri: Hey, any woman that can bite through a beer can must know how to do some things right.
Kristine: Haven’t mentioned her yet. Just know she has the deepest voice of any woman on the show.
Robin: They both spoke French to each other which obviously means love at first sight. Or not.
Kelly: Standard blonde with big boobs. Maybe lasts a couple more weeks tops.
Holly: Reality Steve wants you too.
“Ladies, Matt, this is the final rose tonight. I had to rush here since just only an hour and a half ago, I was sitting in the audience at the “Dancing with the Stars” premiere.” Ahhhh, the magic of television.
Erin H.: This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to anyone considering most of the footage we see of future episodes has this chick getting in cat fights with the other girls. So yeah, there was no suspense on who was getting the last rose.
-Not many real good meltdowns at the end of the show other than Stacey telling us, “I didn’t want to be with him anyway. He can’t handle me.” Honey, no one can handle you. Nor would they want to. I’m guessing your appearance on this show will have guys knocking down your door by the droves. And when I say “by the droves” I mean “not a single one.” So in the previews for the season, we see a few things:
1) Matt utter the word “Gobsmacked”. No idea what that means.
2) Matt tonguing at least 10 different girls. If I did my math correctly, that means he salivates in 66.7% of the girls left on the show. Impressive.
3) Matt says, “American women can seriously kiss.” Of course they can. They have teeth. That are straight. And aren’t coffee stained.
Ok, so “Dr. Reality Steve” will return next week. No guest columnist just yet, but I’m sure we’ll have some as the season goes on. So any questions, comments, stories, criticisms, praises, female dog names, solutions as to why my new dog is petrified of her new surroundings, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…..cheerio!
The Bachelor Links
March 18th, 2008
-I figured with the “Bachelor” a week away, I should probably give a few thoughts on last night’s “Where Are They Now?” episode rather than break another promise and tell you, “Hey, guess what? “Reality Roundup” will be here this week.” Ha ha…that’s funny. I kill myself sometimes. I think the more I tell myself that I’m going to write a “Reality Roundup” column, the less of a chance it has of happening. I know that makes no sense. Don’t try to understand. Just know I still watch all the shows, I just haven’t been writing about them. And we’ve had some pure gold over the last few months. The “Gauntlet 3″ has been outstanding and Kenny might just be my new favorite person in “Real World/Road Rules” history. “Survivor” is solid as always. “Celebrity Rehab” needs to come back for another season. “Scott Baio is Whipped” is one of the funnier reality shows on television. And “Celebrity Apprentice” is probably the best season they’ve had since season 1 - pretty much all because of Piers Morgan. Maybe I’ll get around to covering it. Or not.
-So are we really surprised to see that Brad turned down an invitation to appear on the show last night? C’mon. Like he wants to go through that again. Yeah, let’s bring him on, ask him for the 100th time why he didn’t pick Jenni or DeAnna, and chastise him when he doesn’t give us an answer that we like. Obviously you know where I stand on Brad’s decision and what he did, and the fact that Jenni is already engaged to her ex-boyfriend, and DeAnna is going to be the next Bachelorette, doesn’t everyone who came down on him so hard and backed both of those girls feel a little dumb right now? Seriously. Those girls were upset when they didn’t get picked, and were upset the day they had to see him again at the “After the Final Rose” show, but life goes on. They’re over it, Brad’s over it, everyone else should be over it. Kinda funny to look back now at all the people that were so furious for Brad dumping both of them. It was the right thing to do and both girls are happy now. So there.
-Are we really supposed to believe that DeAnna didn’t know she was going to be the next “Bachelorette” until Ellen told her live on her show? Please. Good acting job by DeAnna to whip up some tears due to the elation and surprise of that news. Like she didn’t know already. I love how they showed us DeAnna working out, doing crunches, and the like in her preparation for being the “Bachelorette”. No surprise there. I said in a post the day it was announced that she’ll be 10-15 lbs lighter than she was when she was on the “Bachelor”. I just thought it was funny they had to show us, “Hey, look, she’s working out now. Her ba-donk-a-donk butt will be a little tighter when you see her next.” I’ve never had a problem with DeAnna. Cute girl and seems rather likable. All I said was she had a big ass. No denying that. Let’s see how many bikini shots we get next season.
-Ladies, you’ve been informed now that Bachelors Aaron, Alex, Jesse, and Travis are all still single and ready to mingle. Oh whoopee. I’m sure women are throwing themselves at those guys. And men too, Alex. Don’t think I forgot about you. Aaron is involved in banking or something that I don’t care about. Jesse is hosting some TV show somewhere and Travis is going to be on a medical talk show. So in case you’re wondering ladies, and this is totally not important at all and is never a factor when deciding who to be with, but, they’re all loaded. I know. I know. You totally don’t look at that when deciding who your next conquest is going to be, but hey, I’m just letting you know up front so that you’re not scared off by their money. I know it can be intimidating when all you’re really looking for is someone who’s smart, funny, sincere, and has a good sense of humor. Barf.
-Nice to see Andrew Firestone trolling out his Playboy model onscreen last night. Looks like they’re happy. Notice how they never told us what Ivana does for a living or how these two met? Well, I’ll tell you. Andrew has the Playboy mansion hotline on his speed dial, he met her at one of his many treks there, probably had his way with her in a broom closet, and now they’re engaged. Awwwww, love at first sight. It was either that, or he saw her for that split second she was topless in “Wedding Crashers” and decided, “That’s the woman I want to take home to mommy.” Whatever the case, I hope they’re happy. I always love a good “Boy meets girl, girl is half naked at a Hugh Hefner lingerie party, boy tells her he’s from the infamous Firestone family, boy and girl are together for three years and now engaged” story. Makes me cry every time.
-Bachelor Bob. Wow. That guy should sell his story to Hollywood and have a movie made about him. And it should definitely be released as a Fantasy because there’s no other way to describe what that guy’s life has become. He went from the fat, good personality, funny guy on Trista’s season, to the skinner version on the “Bachelor”, to writing a book, to TV hosting gigs, to somehow getting Rebecca Budig to latch on to him. Tell me that guy isn’t living in a world completely different than us. One thing I found interesting was that when he met Rebecca (and there’s still a debate whether or not he was still with Estella when he and Rebecca started hooking up), she was hosting a show that generally made fun of the “Bachelor”. Hmmmm….so Bob’s wife is someone who used to make fun of the “Bachelor”? So by that logic, doesn’t that mean one day I’ll be married to someone who’s been on the “Bachelor” too? Gotta be. There’s no other explanation. It’s fate. I will meet someone from the show that I’ve made fun of in previous columns, we will fall in love, get married, have 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence. Can’t be any worse than the crop of women I’ve dated recently. Holy crap. Your head would spin if I told you these stories. But I won’t. Maybe someday when I write a book.
-Trish is done stalking Jesse Palmer and is now engaged to some bald guy that looks like her father. I’m sure he’s flat broke and she’s with him because he’s smart, funny, sincere, and has a sense of humor. Erica from Lorenzo’s season has a line of Tiara’s that she sells now. But one of the more interesting things we learned about her last night was that she’s gotten a hold of one of the greatest push up bras of all time. Either that, or she paid a little visit to the boob doctor. Good Lord, Ms. Cans. I frankly was transfixed on what was popping out of her chest to understand what in the hell she was talking about. Oh wait. Her dad is a prominent plastic surgeon in the Houston area. So, is he the one that actually performed the surgery? Ummmm, that’s a little creepy. Who does he think he is, Joe Simpson?
-Bevin might be getting engaged, Moana is engaged, and Brooke (whoever that is), got married to Scott. Scott has a bowl haircut. Enough said. Heather (another girl I don’t remember) married her high school sweetheart. However, Heather had the most interesting thing to say all night. She said, “Once you give up on dating, someone comes into your life.” Well then. Time for me to employ that strategy. From now on, I’m done dating. That’s it. Over. No more dealing with the craziness that is women and everything that comes along with dating. So I won’t look anymore, and now any minute, someone will come into my life. Uh huh. Sure it will. Do you know how many times I’ve been told this over the last 4 or 5 years? Too many to count. So, I guess I’m just screwed. I’m telling you, I really do try to keep a positive attitude about dating, but my God, when the same stuff keeps happening over and over and over, makes you question it. But then if I don’t date, I’m sitting around waiting for something to happen. And that’s no good. Priesthood is looking awfully tempting nowadays.
-Christi from Aaron’s season (which I never watched) is single, happy, and lives with her dog. Something tells me if we do an update on Christi 20 years from now, she’ll be in the same exact position she’s in today. But with more dogs. And probably nine cats. I’m glad you love your dog Christi, I’m thinking of getting one myself, but ummmm, that wasn’t the most flattering video you could’ve done about yourself considering you’re single. Kristen from Travis’ season still isn’t funny, and she found a lap dog of a husband who’s equally not as funny, as both of them decided to go with the hilarious comedy routine of putting orange peels in their mouth and talking. Embarrassing.
-As for Trista and Ryan, the “Bachleors” only married couple and the ones ABC will continue to go to the well on until they day they die, are just as nauseating as they were years ago. Trista does all the talking, Ryan nods his head in agreeance, and they play with their kid all day. Good times. And oh yeah, Trista and Ryan are now “environmentally friendly”. Please. Don’t get me started on “celebrities” who go see “An Inconvenient Truth” and now all the sudden are driving a Prius and lecturing me on global warming. Just stop it. That’s about as phony as you can get. What is ABC gonna do if, God forbid, Trista and Ryan get divorced? Yikes.
-I loved the fact that ABC decided to do a “nationwide poll” (translation: we made up these answers), to have America decide on some of their favorite and least favorite things from “Bachelors” past. Up first, Most Romantic Moment. The choices were:
1) Aaron and Gwen’s Hot Air Balloon kiss - Ummmm, never saw it.
2) Jesse and Jessica’s date at the Rose Bowl - Having the USC marching band play around you as your picnicking on the 50 yard line is romantic?
3) Byron’s proposal to Mary - I couldn’t help but laugh every time I saw these two on screen knowing what we know now.
4) Travis and Moana in the Venice Canal - Might’ve been romantic if Moana wasn’t such a cynical red ass all the time.
And the winner is: Byron’s proposal to Mary. Haaaa Haaaa Haaaa Haaaa!!! I bet they wish they had that one back. Funny how they conveniently forgot to mention back in November that Mary decided to use Byron’s lip as a punching bag. Their engagement’s coming up on what, 10 years now? Any day now, Mary. You just hang in there. And if it doesn’t happen, well, you can’t get piss drunk again, refuse to leave a house where your other married friends are having an argument, and when Byron finally does, follow him out to the car and beat the holy hell out of him. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is. Save a seat for me in the front row of that wedding which is never happening.
-Next up, Most Dramatic Moment in Bachelor history. The nominees are:
1) Trish stalking Jesse - I don’t know if it was as much dramatic as it was bordering on crazy, psychotic, and illegal.
2) Ali G. confronts Travis - Forgot about that looney bin. I guess women say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk. And sober.
3) Andy rejects Peyton - I remember that. That sucked.
4) Hillary’s meltdown when Brad dumped her - That wasn’t dramatic. That was pathetic. And forced.
And the winner is: Andy rejecting Peyton. Outside of Jayanna getting left out in the woods all by herself on “Age of Love”, that had to be one of the worst dumpings in “Bachelor” history. Did Andy actually wave to Peyton while his arm was around Tessa as the helicopter was flying away? Ouch.
-The Least Favorite Bachelor award went to Prince Lorenzo. Ummmm, can’t say there was any surprise there. I think I even heard Host Chris in an interview once say that of all the “Bachelors” they’ve had, Prince Lorenzo was his least favorite as well. Hey, maybe Host Chris is the one voting on these awards since I never saw on the website where I could vote for this stuff.
-And finally, America’s favorite “Bachelor” of all-time was Andy Baldwin. Wow. I’m guessing there are a few women, including ones within 20 miles of me, who’ll disagree with those results. And another one who has her own blog and has ripped Andy to shreds since the day she got off the show. But hey, when is America ever wrong about something? Considering his opponents were Aaron, Bob, Byron, Travis, and Firestone, isn’t that like winning first place at the “Biggest Douchebag” competition?
-And then we got to see clips of Matt Grant, our British import Bachelor that wants to steal all our American women with his tiny mouth and Hugh Grant accent. I’ll set the over/under at 1,000,000 to the number of Austin Powers references we get this season. I love the fact that they’re promoting the women being so in love with his accent. Ladies, I don’t know much, but I do know this. When deciding on your future husband, if you’re basing it on the fact he talks with an accent, then well, I wish you all the luck in your divorce proceedings. Because a guy has an accent, that makes him fit to be your boyfriend/husband? Really? That might be about the lamest thing I’ve ever heard. Yeah, you go ahead and convince yourself you like him better because of an accent, and I’ll talk to you when you guys are broken up and ask how important of a role that accent played in your relationship. Good luck.
-Well, we’re back on track, and beginning next week, the Bachelor Recap will be up every Tuesday morning. As for “Dr. Reality Steve”, I think that may be returning as well. Depends on who I can get to help me out and if the letters keep coming in. Any emails, questions, comments, dating advice, indecent proposals, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
March 11th, 2008
