Archive for May, 2008
-I figured out why the “Bachelorette” isn’t nearly as fun as the “Bachleor”: Because men aren’t catty towards one another. Sure you’ll get a disagreement here and there, but all in all, mens attitude towards things tends to lean to, “Whatever.” So you’re just not gonna get any great drama on this show than you would during the “Bachelor”. As for that push-up contest? Please. Completely staged by the producers. I seriously doubt two guys were that mad at each other that they challenged each other to a push-up contest. How gay can you get? And let’s not forget the most important reason why the “Bachelorette” isn’t nearly as interesting as the “Bachelor”: These guys are boring. I mean, did you catch DeAnna and Graham’s date at the beach? I almost fell asleep. Could the guy have looked any more disinterested? How about that wild, wacky night at the Magic Castle when, ummmm, uhhhhhh, nothing happened. More guys that bored me to tears. Why they insisted on making every episode of this season 2 hours is beyond me. That easily could’ve been an hour show last night. They dragged out both group dates way longer than they needed to. But hey, last night wasn’t without its moments, which we’ll get to briefly.
-Before we get started, one quick note, I’m heading to California tomorrow morning as my 33rd birthday is this weekend. And since I have so many things planned, figured it was time to take another trip back to see friends and family. And by “so many things planned” I mean “not much at all.” I’ve never been a big birthday guy so it’s kinda just like any other day to me. But 33? Really? I’m gonna be 33? Boy how time flies. I wonder if I’ll now be looked at as the creepy, early 30’s guy who’s single and never been married? Who knows? Maybe I’m already “creepy, 32 year old guy who’s single and never been married” and I don’t even know it. I’m sure some of you have thought it. Whatever. I can’t control why I’m not married yet. But as a kind gesture to my readers as my Alzheimers starts to set in and prune juice becomes my morning drink of choice, I may have a birthday present to give to the rest of you. Check back on the site tomorrow. If something is here, then you know I was able to get it done before I left. If not, I’ll try and get it up after I get back. That didn’t sound right. I’ve got no problems with that last time I checked. Which was about 5 minutes ago. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed that I can get this piece done before I leave, but if not, I’ll give you an update in next weeks column to where it stands. If it still stands at all. And no, I couldn’t be any more vague if I tried. Just know it has something to do with what I wrote in last weeks column. I just can’t mention it again for fear of it getting killed. More vagueness.
-So remember last week I said I was going to make it a mission that on every episode this season, I was going to see how long it took them to reference the fact that DeAnna was dumped by Brad. Know how long it took this week? .0000001 seconds. I think Brad’s face was the first thing we saw when the show came on the air last night. And we got to re-live that glorious day where Brad did his best Kelli Taylor impression, dumping both Jenni and DeAnna, and choosing himself. Awesome. That’s the best moment in “Bachelor” history by far. But here we are today, and DeAnna is spewing nonsense. “I learned a lot from dating Brad. I won’t make the same mistake twice.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Exactly what mistake is that? He dumped you, remember? And even 3 months after he dumped you, you still weren’t over it and crying on national television wanting answers. Don’t make it seem like you wore the pants in that relationship and finally cut him off at the end. If you’re gonna go back now and pretend like you made a mistake by falling for the guy, then that just makes you phony, and why should we believe anything you do this season with your band of boring douchebags? Own up to it, DeAnna. You fell for a guy that wasn’t nearly as into you, and you got dumped. Quit talking about your ex like you were married for 15 years. You knew the guy for six weeks for christ sakes.
-As the show starts out, we are told by Host Chris what the living situation will be like this season. If you read the internet already about this season, you knew what the “twist” was. If not, you were probably as surprised as the guys pretended to be last night. Each week, three guys will get to sleep in the same bed…..I mean…..stay in the mansion with DeAnna, while the rest of the guys stay in a bunkhouse at the bottom of the hill where they have to sleep on bunkbeds and shower outside. And this couldn’t make Paul the nudist any happier. I think if that guy could do this show naked, he would. One guy who isn’t thrilled with the new living arrangements? Fred from Chick-aaaaa-go. “I cal it da’ Waaaak of Shame. It just means we’re fare-ther and fare-ther from DeAnna.” Gotta love those Chicago accents. They sound so intelligent. I’m still debating if the Minnesota or Chicago accent is the worst on the planet. I’ll get back to you on that one. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you Canada. Your moose dialect isn’t too charming either. It’s just that since you’re not U.S.A., I really don’t give a crap about you.
-The first date card arrives and it’ll be Jason the bastard father, Ryan the homely virgin, Sean the mullet, Twilley the Blaine (he’ll have a new nickname shortly), Paul the nudist, Fred the accent (I don’t feel like typing Chick-aaaaa-go every time I see him), and Richard a.k.a. Mr. Wizard, as they’ll be headed to the Magic Castle in Hollywood. Why such a cool place like that decided to associate themselves with this show, I have no idea. I’ve been to the Magic Castle at least 4 or 5 times and had a blast every time. But you couldn’t really tell how fun it was by watching those 5th rate magicians perform last night. Could they only get the amateurs to appear last night? Headliners too busy? I mean, seriously. Could we get something better than the tired old card trick and the “disappear from the box” trick? I think 5th graders even know how those tricks are done by now. Yeah, I wouldn’t say those were the best magicians they could’ve pulled. One of them even gave Jason a bird to hold. I thought that was cute. I figured Jason could hold on to that and give it as a gift to his 3 year old son that he decided to desert for 6 weeks while he went on a reality dating show to find a new mommy. Seems like a nice guy, which makes it that much more strange that if his 3 year old is the most important thing in the world to him, why he would up and leave the kid for 6 weeks. Still scratching my head on that one. And on no level can I find that the least bit acceptable. I’m sure his kid won’t either.
-So DeAnna calls Jason up on stage, they get in the magicians box and disappear for some alone time. And no, they didn’t just crawl back out the other side of the box while the cameras were panning the looks on the rest of the doofus’ faces. As for Jason, I’m guessing he was looking to get into a different kind of box. But I’m sure he was happy disappearing for some alone time with DeAnna. We all know he has no problem disappearing for his 3 year old son, so this should come quite easy to him. And if you think I’ll ever let up on the “Jason left his kid for 6 weeks” cracks, you’re sorely mistaken. So he and DeAnna begin discussing life and the world and the conversation just couldn’t be any more riveting. DeAnna: “Where are you from?” Jason: “Seattle.” DeAnna: “I’ve never been to Seattle. I just have this vision that its raining all the time and everyone falls in love.” Yep. Right on the mark, DeAnna. You nailed it. It rains 300 days a year, everyone falls in love, and the ones that don’t just kill themselves being it’s the city with the highest suicide rate in the U.S. Sounds like a great place to live. You’re hopped up on Starbucks all day long, you walk around with an umbrella permanently strapped to your back, and your life is miserable. How exactly did Seattle get the nickname the “Emerald City”?
-These two’s conversation couldn’t have gotten any more boring. DeAnna: “What kinda music do you like?” Jason: “Old Michael Jackson.” Hey, even I like old Michael Jackson. I just wouldn’t tell anyone that on a first date. I’d at least wait til I got laid before I let that out of the bag. Kinda like the whole “Reality Steve” thing. That’s kept under wraps until I absolutely feel 100% confident that the person I’m with has ever seen five seconds of any show that I watch. If not, I can pretty much guarantee it ain’t gonna work out. Yep. 33, single, and never married. I guess I just answered my own question. So Jason tells DeAnna he lives with his younger brother, but doesn’t tell her about his 3 year old son yet. That comes next week. Any of you rooting for Jason to get the final rose, you might wanna squash those hopes right now. Now, we don’t know the whole situation behind him having a 3 year old son. He could be a widow, or he could just have custody, I’m not sure. But I’m about 99% positive that if Jason were to get the final rose, he’s not gonna be able to just pack up all his things and bust out to Georgia for the rest of his life. And I’m guessing DeAnna, even if she is ok with the fact he has a 3 year old, is not gonna take off for Seattle, Washington having grown up in the South. Just doesn’t seem like something she’d do. So by my brilliant logic, we now know Jason isn’t her man. One down, thirteen to go.
-It’s now Sean the mullets turn to secure some alone time with DeAnna. This didn’t go well for a couple reasons. Sean has what I would call a “repulsive sweating problem”. Apparently all the cameras and lighting make Sean and his mullet sweat profusely. So he’s not real fun to look at up close during these times. And also, the self playing piano in the room kept interrupting his sentences so he never got to tell her anything of substance. Which I found funny because I thought what the piano was playing was much more interesting than anything Sean would’ve had to say anyway. He’s a martial arts master from Kentucky. And stole Billy Ray Cyrus’ old haircut. Do we really have an interest in what he has to say? Didn’t think so. Moving on. If you thought Sean would’ve been boring, Twilley the Blaine couldn’t have crashed and burned any worse. He got up on stage and told some lame ass story that put everyone to sleep. Twilley is very animated, very outgoing, and very much trying waaaaay too hard. Everyone pretty much laughed at the guy for telling the worst story known to mankind. I’d tell you what it was about but I don’t even know since ABC cut it up so much since it went on for 3 hours. So he’s now Twilley the over actor. Let’s pull it back a little bit Twilley, whaddya’ say?
-Mr. Wizards World got some alone time with DeAnna and decided he’d use his Bunsen burner and beaker to whip up a magic love potion to put a spell on DeAnna. Well, he didn’t get quite that technical. No, our resident science nerd made her a flower out of a piece of paper. I’m telling ya’, DeAnna’s got one tough decision on her hands with all these winners they cast for her. So to stir up some sort of interest in this date, Ryan the homely virgin battled Twilley the over actor in our first installment of “Someone calls someone else out for being fake”. Ryan doesn’t think Twilley is being genuine with his feelings after that pre-produced boring story he told earlier. Twilley says yes he is and he’s there for the right reasons. This conversation goes nowhere. Although it allows us to learn a little bit more towards what Ryan the homely virgin is all about. “Faith, family, and football.” That’s very cute. He should copyright that and play it off as his own even though I’ve heard that phrase about a 1,000 times. I respect the guy for his beliefs, and you gotta applaud any male who is 28 and still a virgin (I think), but the problem is, do you know what the “3 F’s” get you on a show like this? A one-way ticket home. Outside of Sadie from Lorenzo’s season, I don’t think a virgin has ever done well on this show. Of course, that’s all assuming we believe Sadie when she tells us she’s a virgin. Let’s not forget, after Lorenzo dumped Jen, he and Sadie were seen canoodling around New York City together. For what? To hold hands? Talk about the stock market? Uh huh. Sure you are, Sadie.
-Now its Paul the nudist and Fred the accents turn to share their wit and wisdom with DeAnna. Fred doesn’t say much. Just downs his drink and stands there in all his Chicago glory. Paul on the other hand - completely different story. He was feeding DeAnna line after line after line that seemed way too rehearsed. Paul: “I’m the perfect candidate. I’m the youngest guy in the house. I’ve been engaged before. Just wasn’t the right one. Marriage is sacred. It’s a sacred bond between two people that should never be broken. It’s the coming together of two souls……” All right. Enough already. We get it. You’re laying it on a little too thick, pal. But then he ended his diatribe with this beauty. “When I get married, I’m married for good.” Really? You can predict that? Well then Paul, you’re a better man than anyone on this planet. Seems to me like that’s something that you can certainly believe in, but not necessarily something you can control. And really, isn’t that everyone’s thought going into marriage - that they’ll be married just once? I don’t think anyone sits around before their first marriage and says to themselves, “You know what? I can’t wait until I get married. Granted, it’s gonna be the first of many since I have every intention of getting a divorce, but hey, I still can’t wait til it happens.” Kind of a bold statement to say “When I get married, I’m married for good”. What if your partner doesn’t like you being nude all the time and dumps you? Kinda outta your hands.
-When Mr. Nude asks DeAnna her thoughts on where she sees herself, she pretty much has her timeline laid out. DeAnna: “I hope to be married in 5 years with one kid and another one on the way.” Yikes. Now that means our good friend Lisa from Lorenzo’s season and DeAnna have dualing timelines. Let’s see who gets there the quickest. Ready, set, go. How about next week as a little treat, we get Lisa back here and ask her how her timeline is going? Since they didn’t include her in the “Where are they now?” episode, I’ll have her give us a little summary of what she’s been up to since her and Lorenzo’s incredibly uncomfortable overnight date in Budapest, Hungary. Get ready, Lisa. The email is coming. So DeAnna wants to pop two kids in the next 5 years? Good for her. Let’s just hope it’s not with any of these guys. Especially Paul the nudist. He’s kinda creepy. And he’s Canadian. That’s never a good combo. But for some miraculous reason, DeAnna decides that Paul’s lines of b.s. were enough to win her over and she gave him a rose, so he’s safe for at least another week. Great. More nudity.
-Speaking of nudity, when we return from commercial break, they give us an update on how the guys are doing living in the bunkhouse, and Paul is the first guy they show us showering outside. For whatever reason, they decided to supply these guys with a shower that has no sort of wall or curtain, so everyone can see everyone shower if they wish. I was thinking that maybe Ryan the homely virgin would find this completely offensive and against his religion to watch another man shower that he’d just remove himself from the show. Guess not. How much longer until full frontal nudity becomes part of network television? When does America actually start becoming the BBC and we get nudity on every channel? This is something I’m 100% behind. Except when it comes to male nudity. Hell, no one wants to see that. If there’s one thing, and only thing, I wish America could be more like Europe in, its their laws regarding nudity on television. I say in 5-10 years, we’ll get our wish. Within 3-5 years, profanity will be allowed. That’s a given.
-Time for DeAnna’s solo date with Graham at the beach. For a guy that’s easily a favorite to get the final rose, and for a guy that is probably the most liked by women viewers out there, he sure came across as bland and boring last night. And retarded since he didn’t know how to fly a kite. Now, I haven’t flown a kite since I was probably in the 3rd grade, but something tells me with my major in Aerodynamics I’d be able to figure it out. Ok, it was Communications. Same thing. These two couldn’t have looked any more clueless if they tried. Are we sure neither of them are blonde? Just checking. So after their non-successful attempt at the impossibility that is flying a kite, these two sit down for a little conversation. Graham tells DeAnna he just got out of a relationship and that it was the first girl he’s ever been in love with. So he’s 29, has only been in love once, and it just happened before he came on the show? Sweet. At least I’ve got this guy beat. I think this could ultimately come back to kill him. Can’t you just see DeAnna saying, “If I’m going to put myself out there for someone, I have to be 100% sure that this man is in love with me. And since Graham has only been in love once, I’m going to be a little skeptical whether it can happen so quickly again.” I agree, Steve. Something tells me a guy who’s been in love once just recently, is not about to fall in love again so quickly. And if he does, then he’s kidding himself. But I think the even bigger question when it comes to Graham is why in the hell does he wear a giant, silver, wrap around bracelet that looks like he stole it from Wonder Woman? Gay.
-Uh oh. DeAnna and I are on the same wavelength. She’s already questioning how much Graham is into her. “I need someone who knows what they want. Brad didn’t. I don’t need that.” Wrong. Brad knew exactly what he wanted. It just wasn’t you. DeAnna really has a warped sense of what happened during her time on the “Bachelor”. And I’m not the least bit shocked she’s comparing Graham’s shyness to Brad not knowing what he wanted. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say DeAnna is still bothered that Brad dumped her. Call me crazy. Yet again, how is Brad in the wrong if he dumped somebody he didn’t see a future with? And if she is over him, and has moved on to the next chapter in her life, why does she constantly have to keep bringing him up? Because Brad did it to you, does that mean that everyone is going to do that to you? Well, if you live your life thinking that way, then sure, you’ll question every single guy that comes into your life. Do you really want to drive yourself crazy doing that? I wouldn’t think so. And since Graham is a smaller, skinnier, less manly version of Brad, I’m guessing this isn’t easy for her. If they had those pop up bubbles above DeAnna’s head on every date she was on, something tells me we’d see head shots of Brad popping up everywhere.
-Back at the bunkhouse, the other 14 guys are talking about sex. Real surprise there. You mean 14 guys who are being shut out from the rest of the outside world with no newspapers, internet, or cell phones and with an endless supply of alcohol at their hands are talking about sex? I never would’ve thought it. Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert has the line of the night when asked how important sex is in a relationship: “If you wait til you’re married, then found out its not that great, then you’re up a creek without a paddle.” You know, I’ve never really thought of it that way. For a guy like Ryan, who finally admits to everyone he’s virgin, if he finds Mrs. Ryan, and they wait til their honeymoon to finally seal the deal, and she just lays there like a sack of potatoes, is he really going to be fired up looking forward to the rest of his marriage? Yes, I know. Marriage isn’t all about sex. I understand that. But don’t tell me it doesn’t play a big role. And if one of those roles you despise doing, then I’m guessing that would create some problems. But hell, what do I know? I’ve never been married. And I’m listening to some guy who pops his collar. More on that during the group date.
-Back on the beach, in what came as no surprise to anyone watching, DeAnna gave Graham a rose and he gets the first kiss. Apparently she doesn’t mind guys’ five o’clock shadows scraping up her face while making out. It’d bother the hell out of me and I’m not even a woman. Hence the reason I’m always clean shaven. As DeAnna and Graham are headed back to the mansion, Twilley the over actor is getting a little self conscious that his horrible storytelling performance at the Magic Castle might not have gone over so well, so he wants to talk to DeAnna as soon as she gets back to make sure things are cool. Talks like these always work out well. Especially when you have someone as calm, cool, and collected as Twilley involved. DeAnna’s gets out of the car, heads back up to her mansion, where Twilley is waiting for her. And for the life of me, I still don’t know what he said during his incessant babbling. Something about he knows his family and friends would like her. I did catch that. Ummmm, Twilley, the hometown dates are about 4 more episodes away. So calm down. Needless to say, Twilley the babbling over actors performance last night really didn’t do much to help his cause. In fact, I thought it sealed his fate. Little do I know.
-Now it’s time for the final group date at Dodger stadium with Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, Dallas Chris, Gray haired Brian, Jesse the bong rip, Ron the divorcee, Jeremy Levine, and Erick the Greek. This is one of my all-time favorite group dates ever since it incorporated one of only two teams that I root for: the Dodgers. I’m a sports nut, have been ever since I was a kid, but the only two teams that I openly cheer for are the Lakers and Dodgers. Not surprising having grown up in Southern California. So boy was I pumped when these guys got to step foot on Dodger stadium grass to make asses of themselves. And let’s talk about Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert for a quick second. Not only was this guy wearing a pink polo shirt, but he had his collar up. I’m telling you right now that I will be the first to admit I tend to lean towards the metrosexual side. I grew up playing sports my whole life and would consider myself more athletic than you’re average guy, but I definitely have a metro side to me. And I think I’m pretty up to date when it comes to fashion and men’s trends. But let me just say, and this goes for every male out there and not just Robert, but if you are a guy, and you pop your collar, you are a legitimate, 100%, without question, Grade A douchebag.
-So former Dodger manager and Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda waddles on out there to give the guys a corny pep talk about wanting to win DeAnna’s heart. A tear rolled down my eye. Not because the speech was any good, but just because even though I’m a lifelong Dodger fan, I’m also an objective one. I know they haven’t won a World Series since 1988. I know they have also won exactly ONE playoff game in that same period of time. ONE!!!! (Don’t get me started). And I know that as much of a living legend as Dodger fans think Tommy Lasorda is, I worked in the L.A. sports market for the better part of 8 years, and I can tell you without any hesitation that there isn’t a bigger phony in sports than Tommy Lasorda. He can talk about bleeding Dodger blue and being married to his wife for 50 years as long as he wants. Those that have followed him throughout the years know exactly what kind of guy he is. Don’t believe me? Do me a favor. Google “Tommy Lasorda Hollywood Madame” and enjoy. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I also had the pleasure of sitting in on a 3 hour radio show that Tommy co-hosted back in 1997 and it was one of the more memorable 3 hours of my life. I’d never met a more bossy, egotistical, self-indulgent, blowhard in my life. I’d say that was the day that my opinion of him changed. The stories I could tell from that day would make your head spin. Anyway….ummmm…..go Dodgers!!! And screw you Andruw Jones.
-So the guys got to play HR derby for the chance at alone time with DeAnna. This wasn’t until after Dallas Chris gave us a lovely rendition of the national anthem - if that’s what you want to call it. Let’s just say he’d make a great contestant during next year’s auditions of “American Idol”. As for the HR derby, it pretty much panned out like I expected - they all pretty much sucked. Ron his 2 HR’s, Robert and Erick each hit zero, Brian hit 2, Jesse hit 1, and Jeremy hit 6. Dallas Chris was up last, and after that singing performance, I’d say he needed to earn some points. He informs us that he once played college baseball, which inevitably, set him up to look like an even bigger goon. He hit 0. Not a good day for Chris. So Jeremy wins and gets DeAnna alone in the dugout. Jeremy’s acting very guarded, which seems to be the theme of this episode, and says that there’s bits and pieces of his past that he’s keeping guarded - for the next 10 seconds. So he played the sensitive card and said he was purposefully being guarded, then in the next sentence, he’s telling her what he’s being guarded about. Both of Jeremy’s parents died. That sucks. You wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Just quit pretending like you weren’t going to tell her when you knew you were going to tell her the whole time since she had a mom that died and you knew that’d be instant access into her pants….errr….heart.
-Let me point out something that a lot of you have mentioned in emails and your comments, but for whatever reason, I didn’t fully grasp until last night. And that’s DeAnna’s blinking disorder. Is that what you call it? A disorder? Whatever it is, it’s just about the most annoying thing I’ve seen outside of the Meeps. How come I never noticed this during Brad’s season? And how come I didn’t fully recognize until last night when she’s sitting in the dugout listening to Jeremy tell her the story about his parents? As I sat there and watcher her, it was almost like a swarm of gnats was circling her face and she was keeping them out of her eyes with how much she blinked. Holy sh** that’s annoying. Sorry DeAnna. As hot as I think you are, I just don’t think we can ever date now since you can’t stop blinking. You’re going to have to move on to someone else. I just can’t handle it. I know, I know, it’ll be ok. Time heals all wounds. Except yours, which apparently never go away. So please, don’t curse me to the other guys on the show. Really, I mean well. I just can’t deal with the fact your eyelashes are suffering epileptic seizures by the minute.
-Erick takes DeAnna out to centerfield and Greeks her to death. No, that wasn’t some sort of sick, sexual term. It just meant that every other word out of his mouth had something to do with the fact that he’s Greek. And she’s Greek. So that must mean that they were meant to be married. Gray haired Brian is up next and DeAnna thinks he’s so perfect already, she wants to know some of his bad habits. He says he’s had two long relationships that he admits he made mistakes in. And then he informs us, just like nudist Paul, “I only want to be married once.” Well that’s nice to know. Because I just assume most people want to be married seven or eight times. Do guys really need to say that on dates? Do women really need to hear their man say that they only plan to be married once to feel more comfortable with them? I sure hope not. Maybe I’m just out of touch. I guess you can’t say the opposite of it, but why not just not say anything at all? I just figured it’s pretty much assumed that everyone who wants to get married, wants it to be their only time.
-Back at the house, we get to see Jason on the phone with his son, Ty. Hold on a second. This is the first time in the history of this show that they’ve ever showed anyone on the phone talking to a friend or family member. Shouldn’t the rules be the same for everybody? You gave up the rights to talk to your son the minute you signed up to do the show - or so I thought. I guess Jason gets to live by his own set of rules. Unfair. Either don’t come on the show, or play by the rules given to everyone else. No, that’s not mean. I’d never leave my kid in the first place, so I’d never put myself in such a ridiculous position. After that, we get to see Tommy Lasorda giving DeAnna one last pep talk before she hands out a rose at the stadium. And this was by far the best quote of the night. Might’ve been the best quote in the last 5 seasons. DeAnna: “Tommy is not only an expert on baseball, but he knows a lot about relationships.” Ha ha….yeah, he does. Especially when they involved illegal prostitution rings. Awesome.
-Jeremy gets the rose at the stadium because he fake pretended like he wasn’t going to tell DeAnna his inner most secrets, but then he did. That tricky bastard. Time now for the final rose ceremony, and Jeremy, Graham, and Paul are safe with roses. Which means they’ll all be living in the mansion next week. That’s two weeks in a row Jeremy will get to live there, and immediately some guys aren’t too thrilled with that. Especially after the other 12 guys arrive for cocktail night and Jeremy greets them with a “Welcome to our home”. Nice job, a-hole. That’ll win you exactly zero friends. Of course, DeAnna is nervous since it’s rose ceremony night. And by golly, she knows what that’s all about. DeAnna: “I know I’ve been in this situation before. I know what they’re going through.” Just shut the hell up already. I’m going to go swallow my own fist now.
-Last time for the guys to make some lasting impressions on DeAnna. And first up is our resident babbler, Twilley the babbling over actor. He babbled yet again trying to save face for the performance at the Magic Castle, then the subsequent even worse performance cornering her after her date with Graham. And this debacle was no better than that the first two. For the first time in a while, this showed shocked me. I was surprised Twilley got a rose. I figured he was done. Jeremy thankfully saves Twilley from embarrassing himself further by stealing DeAnna away - even though he’s already safe for the night and even though he’s gonna have yet another week in the mansion with her. And this of course gets some of the guys panties in a bunch. Most notably, Ron the divorcee. And even Ryan the homely virgin too. In fact, Ryan even calls Jeremy a “d**k” for what he did. (Gasp!) The Lord is not going to take too kindly to those words young man. Now go say 10 “Our Fathers” and wash your mouth out with soap.
-Ron the divorcee gets some time with DeAnna and tells her he thinks his previous divorce bothers her. DeAnna’s quick response: “Ummmm….errrrr….uhhhhh….no, it doesn’t really. I mean, I’ve never dated a divorced man before, but uhhhhhh, sure why not.” Translation: Ron isn’t getting the final rose. That’s another one to cross off the list. I think it’s pretty easy to figure out who the final rose goes to just by process of elimination. We know it won’t be Jason, we can eliminate Ron, I told you last week about the stuff I’ve heard about Jeremy not being it, minus the three guys who got eliminated last night. Now we’re down to 9. And do you really think Twilley has a chance? Down to 8. Think she’ll be proud to bring Jesse and his bag of weed home to her parents? Now its 7. Think she’s going to get all turned on by Robert and his popped collar? That leaves 6. Fred? Are you serious? With that accent? Now it’s 5. Sean and his martial art kicking mullet? Not a chance. That leaves 4. Paul the nudist? Please. Now it’s down to 3. Graham, Gray haired Brian, and Richard. See? You don’t necessarily have to guess who you think she’ll end up with, just figure out who you know she WON’T end up with. I’ve never gone out on a limb in the 2nd episode and predicted a final four, but I will for this season. I’ll go with those final three after my genius deductive reasoning - Graham, Brian, and Richard - and throw in Jeremy. Oh he’ll last. He just won’t be the final one. Trust me. I know these things.
-Onto the rose ceremony. DeAnna: “I know it sounds cliche…..can’t thank you enough….giving me a chance….this is very hard…..know exactly what you’re going through….Im still not over Brad….I wish he were here right now….I miss him so much….I still don’t understand why he dumped me…..can’t we all just get along?”
Ron the divorcee: I wonder if his ex-wife is hotter than DeAnna?
Jesse the pothead: I think instead of giving him a rose, she should give him a blunt.
Robert the douche: The king of all douches thankfully didn’t pop his suit shirt collar.
Gray haired Brian: I don’t know anything about this guy yet. Which probably works in his favor.
Jason the bastard father: Imagine if we found out his sons birthday was during filming. That’s Father of Year status if you ask me.
Fred the accent: I think she should keep him around just so I can hear him pronounce “Chick-aaaaa-go” every episode.
Sean the mullet: Only Chuck Norris has a deadlier roundhouse kick than this guy. And that’s saying something.
Richard: He should just go full on geek next episode and start wearing his white lab coat around the house.
“Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. What’s that? No, Brad isn’t an option to give a rose to. I’m sorry.”
Twilley the babbling over actor: Before the rose ceremony, I thought it’d be Erick, Ryan, and Twilley going home. Apparently Chris horrible national anthem and 0 HR’s weren’t good enough to prove his manhood.
-The post-dumping wrap ups are never really that good on the “Bachelorette” because none of these guys are gonna start crying like a DeAnna or hyperventilating like a Hilary. They’re mindset is, “Whatever. Her loss. Guess I’ll just go bag some other hottie.” So DeAnna gathers the final 12 and gives a toast. “I believe that one of you are my husband.” Really? Well, considering you’ve had about a week with them, and considering that they’re the one that is supposed to propose to you, not the other way around, aren’t you being a tad presumptuous? DeAnna really seems to be counting her chickens before they hatch. Sorry. I couldn’t think of a more clever cliche.
-So check the site tomorrow any possible new updates. If not, I’ll be back next week to tell you what’s going on. I will thank you in advance for all the nice, loving, heartfelt birthday wishes I’m sure you’re all ready to give me. So nice of you. Any questions, queries, comments, criticisms, praises, or birthday gifts, email them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week. Or tomorrow…
The Bachelorette Links
May 27th, 2008
-First things first. I believe the punctuation issues from last week are, for the most part, solved. Some past columns probably still have it sporadically, but I did what I could. For those who have no clue what I’m talking about, on some of your computers last week, every time I typed a quotation mark, apostrophe, or ellipsis, there were weird characters showing up. No idea why that started last week, no idea why only some of your computers were seeing it, and no idea really how I fixed it. It looked fine on my computer. But when I started getting barraged by emails, I knew something was up. So thank you for informing me. I appreciate it. But we should be good to go now with no more problems. Until next week, when I’m sure something else on Word Press will turn out to be all screwy. And I also would like to thank those who sent in kind words in the comments section and through emails regarding Maddie. I agree. She is adorable. I’ll gladly put up more pics this season as soon as I take some with a camera that’s not from my phone.
-Oh boy. 8 weeks of this? Really? I don’t know how many of you know this, but every episode of the “Bachelorette” this season is 2 hours. Every. Single. One. Why? I have no idea. Bachelor Matt’s first episode was an hour and a half, and every subsequent one was an hour. But I guess since DeAnna fell in love and found Mr. Not Brad Womack, I guess we’re gonna be subjected to every single nauseating date of theirs. Trust me, I’m not happy about this. Although, the first episode I knew wouldn’t be too bad. A friend/mistress/lover of mine asked me yesterday, “Oh Reality Steve, what exactly will they do for two hours?” I responded with, “Worry not my young lady. The first half hour will be filled with pomp and circumstance. We’ll get a replay of DeAnna getting dumped, then we’ll get an interview with her talking about why she wanted to be the ‘Bachelorette’, then Host Chris would sit her down and ask her the same things, so we get to hear those brilliant answers twice.” And that’s pretty much what they did. I guaranteed we wouldn’t see our first douche bag get out of a limo until at least a 1/2 hour into the show. Well, I timed it. Our first winner out of the limo, Brian from Texas, came out at :28 after the hour. I was close. Man, I’m good. People should listen to me more. I could produce this show with my eyes closed.
-You know what I find most ironic about DeAnna being the “Bachelorette”? And not just DeAnna, but most girls who get dumped on this show. It’s so funny how, when it happens, they’re totally devastated. They’re crying, some are completely inconsolable, and some just lose it completely. DeAnna still wasn’t over it 3 months after filming when she finally got to confront Brad again. We even got to see her during the “After the Final Rose” show again last night saying she was “sure as anything in her life that her and Brad were meant to be together”. But now here she is, six months removed from the whole Brad situation, and now she’s found someone and is as happy as a clam. You might say, “Well, she was hurt, didn’t dwell on it and moved on. Good for her.” Well yeah, she moved on when ABC placed the call and said, “Hey, you want 25 horndogs chasing after you?” All I’m saying is I don’t think it was ever nearly as bad as DeAnna made it out to be. She hammed it up for the cameras. She basically tried to convince herself she was that in love with him when she really wasn’t. I think she just liked him a lot. I just don’t see how she can go from being completely devastated six months ago, to now being Mrs. Happy Happy Joy Joy. You realize the situation DeAnna has put herself in by agreeing to do this show? After watching her break down on television, begging and pleading Brad to give her another chance, and wondering why Brad couldn’t possibly even want to just continue seeing her, there’s no way she can turn around and do the same exact thing without looking like a giant hypocrite. So we KNOW she chooses someone on this show. Even if she didn’t like any of the 25, she was picking someone or she would’ve looked like the biggest fool in history for crucifying Brad on national television. So let’s just see if who she chooses lasts. My guess? It’ll last longer than most of these relationships do, since I think the women are more serious about this thing than the men, but they’ll eventually break up.
-As far as Chelsea goes, I read today an interview she did with a Colorado newspaper, and I found this quote of hers quite interesting. When asked about Matt, she said:
I just think I’m too tomboyish for him. After watching the show, he’s definitely not my type and not the man that I thought he was. He’s not athletically inclined, and I wouldn’t want someone to slow me down. When Shayne says she likes to shop, he thought that was cute. I didn’t.”
Now, I don’t doubt Chelsea for a second. Matt definitely seemed more metrosexual than what she likes, and he did seem to be more into the things that Shayne was into. But if this were the case, then why wouldn’t she have removed herself from the competition? And you’re telling me that if he would’ve proposed to her instead of Shayne, she would’ve said, “Yeah, not so much. I don’t think we’re a good match.” Of course not. I understand she’s saying this after she watched the show, but she had to have witnessed some of this during filming, right? There’s no way she was this oblivious as to whether or not he was as into athletics as she was. These are all questions I’m brimming with that I’d love to ask Chelsea. And yes, I spoke with someone at ABC requesting an interview with her for this site. I realized I probably have two chances of getting that interview: slim and none. I’m not a “news” site. I’m just a dude with a blog. That’s basically made fun of their show for 12 seasons. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. I’ll keep bugging them. Hopefully they’ll relent and start getting me interviews every week with people that get booted. Honestly, that’s where I’d like to take this column. I’m much more interested in the “how” and “why” of this show than I am of what we actually see. But I need ABC’s cooperation to make that happen. So far, I’m getting none.
-Let me warn you all of how ridiculous the cliche factor is going to be this year. Already in episode one, it was in full effect. DeAnna must’ve said “Everything happens for a reason” a zillion times. She also threw in “This time I’m making the decision” a billion times. And the ever appropriate “I’m in control now” only came out around 500,000 times. She also threw in a couple “I was in your guys shoes once” and “Brad who?” All right. Enough already. We get it. You were dumped by Brad and now you’re looking for love on your terms. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re still hung up on the guy. One other thing I predicted once we learned DeAnna would be the “Bachelorette” was that she’d drop 15-20 lbs since we last saw her, and that’s exactly what she did. I’ll give her that. She looks great. Looks like she even lost a little bit in the caboose which, if you remember last season, you could’ve shown a movie on. Ha ha…..kidding. I think. No one ever said DeAnna wasn’t attractive. I think you can officially put her as the best looking “Bachelorette” they have. But something tells me by the end of the season, we’ll get sick to the point of inducing vomiting with all the Brad Womack references. And one last thing about DeAnnas appearance: Has anyone noticed how her right eyebrow has a nice rainbow-shaped curve to it, whereas her left one kinda looks like an upside-down “V”. Check it out next week if you haven’t noticed it already. That’s about the only that bothers me about her. Fix that woman. Shave em’ both then pencil them in if you have to.
-So before the guys got out of the limo, they kinda quickly showed us a glimpse of all 25 getting ready and making comments about how excited they were to be there. I sort of fast forwarded through this mess, since we’d be seeing all 25 get out of the limo sooner rather than later, but, I did notice a few things. The blonde guy who spent a 1/2 hour talking to us about how long it takes him to gel his hair was also shaving his chest with a razor. Gay. Ron was a 36 year old barber shop owner that was divorced. Ummmmmm, that usually never works on this show. Bevin got to the final two being a divorcee, but it ultimately did her in by Andy the sleazeball. Because he’s such a man of character. And he likes chasing tail 10 years older than him. Although, it was just announced recently that he and Marla Maples have broken up and are “just friends”. Translation: They’re f-buddies now. And one other guy who made an impression on me was Ryan, the permasmile, pro football player with the perm from Minnesota. Seemed like a likable guy. Then he dropped on us, “I’m a man of faith. I don’t drink, cuss, or have sex. I’m a virgin saving myself til marriage.” That’s great and all Ryan. God Bless you and your beliefs. No one can ever take that away from you. But just know DeAnnas a freak. She wants to get some in her six weeks in the mansion. By agreeing to do the show and be courted by 25 guys, she’s essentially giving up the ass for free for six weeks. A couple handshakes and Bible readings is probably not going to win her over. Just a hunch. But there’s a girl Sadie from Lorenzo’s season that might have an interest in you. You guys can not touch each other all the way up til your honeymoon night.
-Time for the guys to come out of the limos and make their first, and for some, last impressions on DeAnna. Not all of them did something to annoy…..errrr….get my attention, but here’s a few that did. In no particular order:
Brian from Texas: For any of you Dallas Cowboy football fans from the 90’s, I’m sure you’re thrilled to see that Darryl “Moose” Johnston has joined this season of the “Bachelorette”. These two are a spitting image of each other. And what a surprise, Brian coaches football.
Spero: I bet you will be absolutely shocked and stunned to know that something named “Spero” wears glasses. When he met DeAnna, she said, “Pronounce your name for me again?” Dork boy: “It’s Spero. Or just ‘Guy trying way too hard that’ll get sent home tonight.’ Either one works for me.”
Twilley: His real name is Blaine, but everyone calls him Twilley for God knows what reason. And of course, you know what I say to that. “Blaine!!!! His name is Blaine!!!! That’s a major appliance that’s not a name!!!” You tell em’, Duckie.
Graham: Skinny dude with the 5 o’clock shadow whose ABC bio says he’s a professional basketball player. Ummmm, come to find out that’s a lie. Well, either he’s lying, or they’re lying. He didn’t mention anything about being a basketball player later on during their one-on-one time.
Jason: Jason is our first single dad I believe we’ve ever had on the show. So immediately, women watching this show began giving him their sympathy votes. “Awwwww, that’s so cute he’s leaving his infant son for six weeks to try and find a date on a reality TV show. He’s really not being selfish at all.”
Patrick C.: He weighed about 110 lbs soaking wet and looked like Zach from “Key West” before the drunks from the Veterans team shaved his head during “Gauntlet 3″.
Richard: Immediately I got the impression that Richard seems like a nice guy, has got a good personality, a little on the shy side, kinda dorky, and that if he pulled his pants down right now, you’d see that his mother inscribed his initials into his underwear.
Paul: Basically, Paul was a miniature version of the “Bachelor” from season 2, Aaron Buerge. In fact, I think Paul was barely pushing five feet tall. DeAnna had him beat in that department. And judging by what he did later on in the night, I’m guessing he definitely has a case of short man’s disease.
Jon: This was the queen who was shaving his chest in the earlier clips. Just know that he also has platinum blond hair and blond eyebrows. There’s something about a dude with blond eyebrows that makes my skin crawl.
Luke: He’s a sheltered, scared, oyster farmer from South Carolina who looked more out of place in this show than Katie Holmes would be posing as Tom Cruise’s wife.
Sean: Sean is a martial arts master from Kentucky who has a full blown mullet. Sean is redneck.
Ron: Our 36 year old, divorced, barber shop owner went real cool on us last night. He left his jacket in the limo and wore his tie outside his vest. This was never explained and I thought he looked like an idiot.
Jesse: He’s a pro snow boarder from Colorado who wore jeans, Vans sneakers, and a jacket that screamed out, “I’m desperate for attention.” And oh yeah, I’m guessing he was completely baked too. I’m shocked he didn’t offer DeAnna some brownies.
Chandler: When he got out of the limo, he was looking off into the distance for about 10 seconds before making eye contact with DeAnna. He also is from Spotsylvania, PA. I don’t know what to make of that other than I wonder if they have more than one stoplight in their town.
Jeremy: Our third guy from the Dallas area, last out of the limo, and our resident Adam Levine look-a-like. Does the lead singer of Maroon 5 really have to go on the “Bachelorette” to get some tail? Really? Didn’t this guy already bang Jessica Simpson back when they were popular? Save some for the rest of us.
-DeAnna has 3 first impression roses to give out tonight, and immediately gives one away to Jeremy because he started singing, “This…love…has taken its toll on me”. Well, I guess we can officially eliminate Jeremy as someone with the potential to get the final rose. Although, I can’t quite remember, but does the first impression rose curse work on the “Bachelorette” as well? Whatever the case, Jeremy doesn’t win. Trust me. Remember, he’s from Dallas, and I live in Dallas. And yes, people talk. And email. I don’t know Jeremy personally, nor have I ever met the guy. But let’s just say some people in the DFW metroplex do, and those people talk to other people, who talk to other people, who talk to other people, who email me. And they didn’t have the most flattering things to say about our little Adam Levine knock-off. But hey, hearing something fifth-hand isn’t 100% accurate now, is it? I think it is. I live by one rule and one rule only: If its on the internet, it’s true.
-Our single dad Jason steals DeAnna away for some alone time. “Awwww, he’s so cute leaving his infant with his sister for 6 weeks so he can pretend to go out and find a mommy for him when in reality he’s just scarring the kid for life with abandonment issues”. Anyway, Jason wants DeAnna to know he’s very in to travelling - especially camping. In fact, he’s even taken two different 3 month trips to England just do that. Wow! Really Jason? That’s outstanding. You’re definitely getting in her pants now. DeAnna loves campers. She also loves dudes with 5 o’clock shadows who own bars down in Austin and then dump her on national television. Are you either of those? No? Ok, good. You’re just a single dad who’s apparently never watched this show before. DeAnna: “My mom died when I was 12.” Jason: “Really?” Yeah, they only mentioned that about 150 times during Brad’s season. But thanks for paying attention. It might be nice to know a little something about the woman who you want to be mothering your son soon. Call Brad for any advice. She fell in love with him and he didn’t even like her enough to keep her around. In fact, he dry heaved at the thought of proposing to her. So don’t worry Jason. DeAnna’s pretty good at being someone’s friend. Maybe she can babysit for you if things don’t work out.
-A couple of the other guys steal some alone time with DeAnna. There’s Chris (another dude from Dallas) who was asked point blank if he’s ever cheated on someone before. His answer: “Yes. And I hated it.” Actually, no you didn’t Chris. You hated getting caught. There’s a difference. Then there’s Robert, who is a chef in San Francisco and wants to make everyone aware of it. He goes into the kitchen, whips up some crab concoction, throws it in a glass, and he and DeAnna eat crabs together. I don’t know what else to say other than giving someone crabs is not the most memorable first impression. Ba-dum-bump. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all month. Try the veal. And my opening act will be none other than….Robert himself. “I’m not a master in the art of seduction. But I’m working on my degree.” God, how cheesy. Something tells me Robert had that line in his head the minute ABC called and said, “Hey Robert, wanna try and lay pipe to DeAnna next season?” I give him credit for getting that line out there. I mean, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve gone with, “Is that a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.” Or how about the ever popular, “If I told you that you have a great body, would you hold it against me?” Do guys really use these lines? I mean seriously. These work? You know what my pick-up line is? “Hi. I’m Reality Steve.” Then the line immediately starts forming to the left. I don’t know what it is. Works every time. And by “every time” I mean “never in a million years.”
-Now it’s our good friend Luke’s turn to talk to DeAnna. This marked the first time in history someone actually spoke to a woman for the first time on national television. If they would’ve panned the camera down a little further, I bet you we would’ve seen Luke’s pants soaking wet. The oyster farmer figured one way into DeAnna’s heart would be to present her with a pearl necklace. I refuse to make a joke here. It’s just not appropriate at this time. Luke is still recovering from having a woman speak to him for the very first time. Plus, if I even considered making a pearl necklace joke here, I’m guessing Luke wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I doubt he even knows where his ding-dong is. Yes, I just used the word “ding-dong” to describe the male anatomy. No, I’m not 4. I just act like it sometimes. With all due respect to Luke, I can’t imagine why he’d even consider going on this show. He doesn’t have six pack abs like Douche from Indiana. He doesn’t pull tail like Jeremy Levine from Dallas. He can’t whip up a mean glass of crab like Chef Boy-Ar-Dee from San Francisco does. So why do it? I guess because Mommy forced him to. That’s cruel and unusual punishment. I feel sorry for the guy.
-DeAnna still has two first impression roses to give out, but since there’s only one of her, and 25 guys, she needs help. Even though every other “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” that has done this show has had to deal with the exact same number of people on the first night, apparently ABC owed Jenni a favor so they brought her on to “help out” DeAnna with the selection process. DeAnna says her and Jenni are very close because “no one will ever understand what we went through.” Oh, of course. Because you are the only two women who have ever been dumped before. That’s right. Please. Can we quit being so dramatic? Are you serious? Did DeAnna really just say that no one will ever understand what her and Jenni went through? Really? Well, I do. You went on a reality dating show and you didn’t get picked. And I don’t understand that? Seems pretty simple to me. I would really appreciate it if these two didn’t try to convince us getting dumped on TV was equivalent to being victims of domestic violence, because that’s sure as hell what it seems like. Hell, even DeAnna admitted in an interview last week that she’s glad Brad didn’t pick her if he didn’t feel anything long term. She would’ve hated if he picked her just because he felt he was “supposed to”. Yet, here she is playing the victim card when all that happened was she got dumped by a guy she liked for 6 weeks. Unbelievable.
-More guys now take turns vying for DeAnnas attention. They also need to deal with Jenni and her little notebook asking them ridiculous questions about who would win a wrestling match between them and a bear? Wow. Jenni must have some naked photos of Mike Fleiss hidden somewhere to get that appearance last night. That was completely pointless. On a side note, let’s throw Jenni into the category of “women who act completely devastated after getting dumped yet find love 6 months later”. For those that don’t know, Jenni’s ex-boyfriend actually picked her up from the airport when she was done filming Brad’s season, they’ve been together ever since, and now they’re engaged. Yet, wasn’t she telling Brad how madly in love with him she was when she was on the show with him and how badly she wanted to get married? She claimed that once she got home she realized how much she missed her ex, and that he was the one for her. Yet, if Brad would’ve chosen her, she of course would’ve said yes. So ridiculous. Don’t even get me started. By the way, Bevin is now engaged as well. So I guess it only took her a year to find love again. This is actually getting pretty comical now.
-So a couple more guys try to make great first impressions. And fail miserably.
Richard: Nerdy guy, science teacher, mom sews initials into his underwear. Yeah, him. Even DeAnna can see he has the sex drive of a clown. “I really like him, he’s a little dorky, but I love his personality.” Uh oh. The dreaded “great personality” guy. That can’t be a good thing. I think that line has the same meaning for women as it does for men. When you’re thrown into the “great personality” category, basically you’re saying that that person has no chance of ever removing your clothing and pinning you up against the wall in the heat of passion. Sorry.
Eric: He has a Greek background. And a strict family that only likes when he brings home Greek chicks. Hey, maybe if it doesn’t work out with DeAnna, he can bring home that bubbly, over bearing, annoying Marissa Jaret Winokur chick from “Dancing with the Stars”? I’m sure his parents would love her. So lively. So full of energy. And so freaking annoying, I would’ve boycotted television if she stayed on any longer.
Sean: The mullet wearing redneck from Kentucky wants to show off his martial arts skills, so he Chuck Norris’ an orange of Jesse the Stoners head. DeAnna acts impressed. I couldn’t tell if she was. Frankly, I was paying more attention to the bra-less dress she had on. Are those the ones where you have to put sticky tape on the inside of the breast cup to make sure there aren’t any accidents? Cuz…ummm…wow. Bend over the wrong way, and we could’ve easily had ourselves a bit of a situation. In my pants.
-DeAnna meets with Jenni to discuss the trauma and medical attention they’re still receving due to the after effects of Brad dumping them. I think both are taking Paxil as we speak. DeAnna asks Jenni what three guys she would give roses to if she were her. Jenni, scouring through her chicken scratch she calls notes, was able to come up with three names she grabbed out of thin air: Graham, Jesse, and Jason. How she came up with them, I have no idea considering her questions were about as relevant as her being on the show. Yes, she actually asked one of them who would win a wrestling match between him and a bear? I would’ve gotten up and left at that point. Douche from Indiana tried to show her his six pack and she covered her eyes because, and I quote, “I’m engaged. I can’t look at that.” Jenni, shut the hell up. Because you’re engaged, you can’t look at a guy showing you his abs? Are you that much of a prude? Your ex-boyfriend-turned-fiancee has you on that much of a leash? I’m sure that marriage will go really well. That made me sick. Yet, for some reason, DeAnna listened to this airhead and gave Jesse a rose. Jesse was the snowboarder from Colorado who showed up in the jeans, Vans, and ugly ass jacket. And oh yeah, had probably rolled about three doobies before coming into the party as well. But hey, he stood out, so he gets a rose. I guess we can cross him off the list as well.
Greg: He’s a personal trainer with both ears pierced who talks about himself in the third person. Wow, that’s a first. You never see that. Most personal trainers I know are never completely fixated on their bodies at all times and never have a much higher opinion of themselves than the rest of us do. They’re always so humble, and more interested in what you have to say than most normal people. Did I mention Greg was a complete tool as well? I didn’t? Well, he is. And you will be SHOCKED to see what he does at the end of the night. So uncharacteristic for a guy who’d make love to his own body if he could.
Paul: Our Canadian, mini-Aaron Buerge. He wanted to make a name for himself and since he was probably tired of DeAnna patting him on his head, he decided to jump into the pool fully clothed. But that was only the beginning of his master plan. He stripped down just to the speedo he was wearing that had “DeAnna” written across his butt. I can’t imagine any other way to a woman’s heart than that. A midget in a speedo craving attention. And the worst part? DeAnna wasn’t completely put off by it. Man, Brad really scarred her for life. This chick likes anything that gives her attention.
Graham: Aaaaahhhhh, the mystery that is Graham. His ABC bio says he’s a professional basketball player, yet he tells DeAnna last night, that he’s a manager of a bar but is working on starting a charity organization to help kids. Can never go wrong with the “I just wanna help under privileged children” line. Works every time. She likes Graham, but I gotta say, bar owner? 5 o’clock shadow? Graham is Brad Womack 2.0. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But I can pretty much guarantee you this guy is in the final four. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the final one.
-So DeAnna decides to give the last first impression rose to Richard, the nerdy science teacher. Nothing like getting the sympathy rose. Richard: “What’s one thing we have to know about you?” DeAnna: “I love surprises.” Really? That’s weird, because, a girl I dated about 15 months ago once told me out of the blue during a car ride that “I hate surprises. I always need to know what’s happening. I hate being surprised.” Red flag! Red flag! What woman doesn’t like surprises? I didn’t even know they made women like that. But of course, I ended up with her. And wasted a month of my life treating her well, taking her to dinner, talking every night, only to have her say to me later on that same night (I kid you not), “You know I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right?” Well, actually no I didn’t sweet cakes. Why the hell have we been going out every weekend and talking every night for the last month? Just need a friend? A shoulder to cry on? A best buddy for life? That was easily the weirdest night I’d ever had in my entire life. Never saw any of that coming. And without getting into it too much, not only did she drop the “I don’t like surprises” line on me, and not only did the night end with the “You know I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right?” line, but jammed in the middle of all that, she said over drinks, “I’d much rather you buy me a Coach purse than spend money on me for dinner.” I’d say that’s a triple whammy. Needless to say, we were done by the end of the night. Completely didn’t see any of that coming. It was almost like I was dating a different person that night. I could go on for days about that chick. What a bizarre night. Good riddance. I’m sure she isn’t driving someone else completely crazy right now with that type of behavior.
-Host Chris and DeAnna go into the deliberation room to talk about some of the guys. Yet another Brad Womack reference. Host Chris: “Is it a little odd for you to be in the deliberation room? The same exact deliberation room that Brad was in? In fact, I think you’re standing in the exact same spot that he was. Wow. Isn’t that crazy? I mean, you’re the woman he dumped in front of all of America, yet here you are, doing the same exact thing he was, except you’re choosing men instead of women. DeAnna, are you completely blown away by this? Because I sure am.” Seriously. The Brad references need to stop and need to stop now. There couldn’t be anything more inconsequential than DeAnna standing in the same room that Brad did. Nothing. Why would she feel weird? Is Brad’s ghost floating around the room and haunting her? Is Brad hiding out in the closet waiting to scare her? You people realize how ridiculous they’re making this sound, don’t you? DeAnna wasn’t married to Brad for 15 years and then he went on the “Moment of Truth” and admitted to a lie detector test that he slept with 1,000 women while they were married. They dated on a TV show for 6 weeks and he decided he didn’t want to marry her. I cannot for the life of me understand why they’re making her such a sympathetic figure. I can’t possibly drive this point home any further than it already has. It’s ridiculous.
-Ok, time for the rose ceremony. Let’s get to it before my head explodes. DeAnna: “Thank you….putting heart into this….amazing guys….feel grateful…kills me to have to do this…..but, you know, I know how you feel. I was in the same situation just a year ago. Don’t know if you saw it. But I was on the ‘Bachelor’. Brad took me to the end and didn’t choose me. Didn’t know if any of you had heard that or not. It’s only defined my life up to this point..”
Outside of Jeremy Levine, Jesse the Stoner, and Richard the science nerd, twelve more guys get roses. They are: Ron the divorcee, Graham the phony, Eric the Greek, Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, Sean the Mullet, Ryan the “I don’t have a nickname for yet”, Chris the 3rd guy from Dallas, Paul the mini-Aaron Buerge, Fred the guy the from ‘Chick-aaaaa-go”, Twilley the Blaine, Jason the father with abandoment issues, and Brian the Darryl Johnston look-a-like.”
-And yes, Host Chris did give us his patented, “Gentleman, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” I was thinking maybe he’d screw it up since it’s been about 3 years since he had to say it the other way around. But Host Chris is a professional. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You don’t get to where he is in life without taking your job seriously. Host Chris doesn’t make mistakes. Ever.
-In our parting videos, Chandler cried because, well, I guess he felt he shouldn’t get picked. And he probably had a few drinks in him. Let’s just say Chandler lost a few man points with that sniffling at the end. Really Chandler? You’re gonna cry over a chick who you met for one night? Wow. Mommy has some milk and cookies waiting for you at home. And be sure to grow a pair before ever going out in public again.
-Then of course, it was time for our personal trainer Greg to shine. Boy did he ever. Called himself a “Prince amongst men”, referred to himself in the third person again, and was about as sh**-faced as you could possibly get. Which led to him ripping off his shirt and jacket and exposing us to his body acne and tattoos. Very impressive. A couple flexes, a few poses into the camera, and Greg was good to go. I’m surprised he didn’t have his gym’s website tattooed across his chest for free advertising. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Greg’s client base as a personal trainer only consists of chicks in their early 20’s, weigh no more than 120 lbs, and always wear the shortest, tightest shorts to the gym. You know, because they always make the best students. Greg is only interested in those who are truly looking to improve their lifestyle, starting with their bodies. If Greg isn’t arrested on sexual assault charges someday, I’d be shocked.
-Well, only seven more weeks of 120 minute shows. Yippee. Can’t wait. I really am looking forward to finding DeAnna contradicting herself on a week to week basis. I’m also looking to see how soon into each episode we’ll get a reference to the fact that she was once on the “Bachelor” and got dumped. I guarantee we get it in the first 10 minutes of every show. And you’re crazy if you don’t think I won’t be writing down the time of it every week and reporting back to you. So send all emails, questions, comments, queries, complaints, praises, and gifts to steve@realitysteve.com. And if any of you want to help out and bug ABC to let me start interviewing people that get booted off this show, hey, have at it. Start bombarding their P.R. dept with emails and let’s make it happen. Until next week…..
The Bachelorette Links
May 20th, 2008
-I can’t wait to get married someday. Really, I can’t. I’m sure it’ll be pretty special. In fact, I already know how I’m going to propose. And I’ve known for about 5 years. I just haven’t had anyone to propose to. But whenever it is, and to whoever it is, I can only hope it’ll come across as heartfelt and romantic as Matt Grant getting down on one knee asking Shayne Lamas, “Monkey, will you marry me?” He didn’t actually say that, right? Monkey? Really? Not as if we didn’t hear that word 500 other times last night but did he have to throw it in during the proposal? I was shocked. Well, I was shocked by a couple things. First off, that he was even proposing to her in the first place. And secondly, that he thought referring to her as a zoo animal would make the proposal that much more romantic. Didn’t something seem off about the whole love story between those two? The way he called her “monkey” during the proposal, and the way she was constantly telling us how much in love she was, which in essence, means she’s trying to convince herself of it too. Not that if he chose Chelsea did I think they’d be married for 50 years, but there’s not a chance in hell that Matt and Shayne walk down the aisle. No surprise there. I’m just playing the percentages, which are currently at a 0% success rate for this show. 0-for-11. And it’s only a matter of time before it’s 0-for-12.
-The funny thing is, it’s not that I’m anti-Shayne at all. I admitted earlier this season that she began to grow on me. And I wasn’t really surprised at all that she made it to the finals. I’m just surprised he picked her. It’s almost like ABC knows this relationship is going to fail as well. Last season was the first time they had ever done a 1 hr finale. And after watching the end result, we could see why. No one would want to sit through two hours to watch two girls get dumped. So this season, knowing that since the day they filmed the finale, they were getting a proposal, ABC waited until 2 weeks ago to start promoting it. For Andy’s season, from day 1, they were promoting the fact there was a proposal. For a show that has taken numerous criticisms over the years for having failed relationships, A) Why wouldn’t they start their hype machine of a proposal much earlier?, and, B) Why was the finale only an hour? Trust me, I enjoyed the fact I didn’t have to sit through 2 hours of nonsense, but, that’s just me being selfish. It all seemed a bit rushed for me. Also, the fact that we get no “After the Final Rose” where we can see these two together for the first time since the finale and dissect whether they even still like each other. Nothing. A proposal they started promoting two weeks ago, a 1 hr. finale, and no follow up to the show. But hey, at least they’re shoving DeAnna down our throats immediately beginning next week. Couldn’t wait to move on to that season. Somethings not right.
-If they’re all happy and excited they finally got a proposal, maybe they should’ve shown us more of their “love” story to make it a little bit more believable. I mean, barely five minutes each of Chelsea and Shayne meeting his family for the first time, and then barely yet another five minutes of their final time together in Barbados? And that’s supposed to convince us, coupled with everything else, that this was his choice? Especially since Matt was contradicting himself all night long with his statements. Granted, it could have easily been the editing as we clearly saw last season with Brad, but Matt specifically said on numerous occasions that this was the toughest decision he had to make, and even after his final time with Shayne, he said he still hadn’t made his decision. Then in the next breath, he’s quoted as saying these exact words:
“I never thought I’d fall in love with two women… I never thought I would so emotionally attached to two people. I’m going to have to say goodbye to one of them at the end, and regardless of what decision I make, somebody is going to get hurt. I just thought to myself who out of these two women can I see as a life-long partner. It was quite clear to me.”
Huh? So if it was quite clear to you who you could see as your life long partner, how was the decision difficult to make? Sure, you had feelings for both women (which we’ll get to in a moment), but if you knew Shayne, for God’s knows what reason, was the one you think you’ll be married to until you die, seems to me it’d be an easy decision to make. Look, it’s Matts decision, not mine. I can sit here and second guess him all day, but in the end, he went with who he felt he should be with. So be it. My whole opinion on proposing to Shayne is this: I just can’t imagine how he would think that picking a 22 year old actress who has a father that’s been divorced four times, and a mother whose had her fair share of marriges, would be a good choice. Unless he’s doing it to improve his acting career or whatever, then I don’t see it. There’s no doubt in my mind, and should be in everyone else’s mind who’s watched the show, that Shayne is going to be married two or three times in her life. Do I honestly see that girl getting married to Matt in the next couple years and staying married forever? Not a chance. I’m guessing half the people reading this column agree with me, and half of you don’t. Which is fine. That’s what makes people tune into the show. Just know that the half of you who disagree with me are wrong….ha ha.
-And I don’t really think I’m going out on a limb here saying that these two won’t make it. I mean, I do have some statistical evidence to back me up. You know, like the fact that this show has never produced a married couple yet. A whopping 0-for-11. The “Bachelorette” has gone 1-for-3, but that’s a different show since women are a little more sincere about doing the show. Except Jen Scheft. Most guys going on this show are doing it to further their career, and knowing that Matt wants to move to the U.S. to get into acting, this can only help his visibility. Notice I didn’t say credibility. I honestly don’t think Matt is all that bad a guy. I thought he came across rather normal on the show, and if you look back over the columns, I don’t really think I had many harsh words to say about him other than his fish mouth and use of the word “monkey” in the finale. So as far as “Bachelors” go, I’d say he was probably in the top five we’ve had. Of course, that’s not saying much considering some of the douche bags they’ve cast on this show. Hell, Andy Baldwin was voted most popular “Bachelor” ever and now he’s taking fake photo shoots and boinking Marla Maples. Not to mention the behind the scenes stories that surround that guy and his season. Let’s just say he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. And the viewers voting him the most popular “Bachelor” ever pretty much showed he pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes.
-I just think that at the end of the day, in about two to three months from now, when I check one of my numerous reality TV sites one morning, I’m going to wake up, and I’ll see a headline reading something to the effect of, “Bachelor Matt Grant and Shayne call it quits”. And then in the press release, it’ll talk about how both of them still love each other, it was a tough decision to make, but in the end, once they got back to the real world, they decided they’d be better off as great friends.” Is it really impossible to see that scenario? I didn’t think so either. I mean, it’s happened eleven previous times, let’s say we make it an even dozen Matt and Shayne, whaddya’ say? Keep tradition alive.
-I feel really bad for Chelsea. No, not that she got dumped. I’m sure she’s over that by now. Hell, look at DeAnna. She was a crying bumbling mess when Brad dumped her during the finale. She was a crying bumbling mess who still hadn’t gotten over it three months later when they did the “After the Final Rose” show. And now, six months after all that, she’s apparently in love again with someone else. Go figure. Anyway, what really sucks for Chelsea is that she didn’t become Mrs. Chelsea Grant and has to remain Chelsea Wansrath. Yes, that’s her last name. Wansrath. What’s a Wansrath? Sounds like a character in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. She certainly doesn’t look like a Wansrath. There is a consolation for Chelsea. Matt’s brother liked her. And since that chubby Brit was into her, at least she still has a chance to be part of the Grant family. Really? That was Matt’s brother? Ummmm…was this another Meepers prank? That guy couldn’t have been any more opposite of Matt if he tried. Short and stocky with a big giant head and a goatee. I’d say he lost out in the gene pool game. Sucks for him.
-Do I have a problem with Matt telling both girls he’s in love with them? Not really. I mean, if he is and he chooses to tell them each that, then that’s his fault and he has to deal with the consequences. Obviously, if you tell two girls that, then dump one of them, that girl is going to be even more hurt than if you just said, “Hey, I like you a lot. And I liked you going pantyless on our overnight date. And I liked the hot monkey sex we had in the hotel room too. It’s just that my monkey likes to be inside a different monkey. And that monkey’s name is monkey. Monkey, monkey, monkey.” That did get a little nauseating last night, didn’t it? And for those that may have missed it, Matt calls Shayne “monkey” because he said she feels like a monkey when she’s holding on to him. Uhhhhh….ok. Considering you’re like a foot taller than her, and when she hugs you it looks like she’s hanging from a tree, yeah, I guess I can see it. Great nickname. Hilarious. You’re one clever guy. Just know that you ruined the most special moment in that girls life when you called her “monkey” during the proposal. I just hope the next guy that proposes to her (sometime next year), doesn’t do the same thing. I still can’t believe I heard that.
-I usually don’t spend time in the finale column to dissect every detail of the episode like I do for the other ones, but just a couple quick observations about the actual episode:
-Shayne mentioned to his family that she started acting at age 12 in soap operas, and now she’s worked her way up into film. So she did “General Hospital” from 2003-2006, and now she considers the role of “Red Bikini Girl” in “Endless Bummer” an actual film credit? Really? And let’s not forget she has just completed “The 13th Alley”, and is in post-production on “Deep in the Valley”. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess every single one of those will end up on Skin-emax late at night. Just a hunch.
-I’m sure ABC told to the parents to give conflicting opinions on who they liked. The fat, chubby Brit brother liked Chelsea. The dad liked Shayne. And the mom said her gut told her Shayne was more sincere. And even Matt chimed in with “I’m most at ease with Shayne, but I have more passion with Chelsea.” So they were doing the audience no favors by giving us that. If anything, I thought the editors tilted it in favor of him picking Chelsea last night, which isn’t surprising.
-Chelsea’s dress. Wow. Was it just me, or did that thing have a slit all the way up the front right up to her naval? And what exactly do you wear under something like that? Boy shorts? A thong? Hell if I know. But I sure would’ve loved to find out. Matt’s an idiot for not picking her just based on what she wore to the final rose ceremony. I thought she looked amazing. And I’m sure half the women out there will critique what she had on. Haters. All you women hate each other.
-Here in Dallas, during one of the commercial breaks, Lorenzo Lamas did a voice over telling us he would be appearing in the play “The Fantastiks” at some local theatre for only “one week in June. So get your tickets now.” “The Fantastiks”? Isn’t that a Disney movie for kids? Look Lorenzo, I don’t know why you think we give two sh**s about you anymore just because we’re watching your daughter on TV. What a pimp. Go away. I’m not going to see your stupid play.
-So that’s pretty much it for this season of the “Bachelor”. I guess we’ll see how it plays out, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up for any sort of wedding plans anytime soon. So what’s the best thing about this season that I can remember? Well, that’s easy. On March 15th, two days before this season started, I adopted my dog Maddie from the Humane Society. And it’s been the best purchase I’ve ever made. I’ve promised you all pictures since the beginning of the season, now here they are. I apologize for being the only person in America without a digital camera, so you’ll have to deal with my crappy camera phone. So not just for me, but for all of you readers of this column, “The Bachelor - Season 12″ should be remembered as the “Season of Maddie”. That’s how I’ll remember it. We return next week immediately as DeAnna searches to find love in her recently trimmed down new body with less junk in the trunk. Until next week…..Enjoy.
The Bachelor Links
May 13th, 2008
-Since the “Women Tell All” episodes usually produces my shortest column of the season, let’s get to a couple things first. I think I might have more non-”Bachelor” stuff in this weeks column than an actual recap of the show. If you didn’t see it, you missed NOTHING other than Matt has joined the “Since I’m British, I guess I should shave my head like Beckham” club. You can see that all is well with the site and it’s back up and running like a normal website should. Thank you Word Press. And once again, go screw yourself Blogger. I think I like the white background better than the blue anyway. Seems a little easier to read. I spent some time this weekend manually putting in old archives one by one. So as you can see in the right hand column, the last three seasons of the Bachelor are all there, along with last seasons “Dr. Reality Steve”, and a couple years worth of “Reality Roundup” columns, which equates to about eight of them. There are still other archived seasons of the “Bachelor” that I need to get to, and those will be done in the coming weeks. I also added links of the websites I pretty much look at every single day, numerous times. If I don’t check those sites like every 10 minutes, I feel like I have no idea what’s going on in the world. Yes, it’s gotten that bad.
-I figured that since I’m still working on the format of the webpage and the layout on how its going to look, I’d have some extra time between the end of this season and the beginning of the “Bachelorette”. Ummmmm, apparently not. I knew Deanna’s season was going to air in the summer, I just didn’t realize ABC isn’t skipping a beat and is gonna start it the week after this one ends. That’s the first time in history they’ve done that. Back to back seasons with no break? Are you kidding me? That might be a little overkill. Then again, this show is one giant overkill since it’s the same thing over and over and over. Now, the “Bachelorette” is a different animal because it’s the only season that’s produced a marriage. And Meredith and Ian lasted a good two years before they broke up. Jen Scheft? Not so much. I think she hated every guy on her season. But hey, last time I checked, a 33% success rate is better than a 0% success rate. And from rumblings I’ve already heard, Deanna finds her man and falls in love. And we’ll get appearances from Jenni and Ellen Degeneres at some point.
-I needed to talk about a show that I ended up catching yesterday on MTV. I’ve seen it numerous times before, and may have even mentioned it in this column, but yesterday took the cake, so I figured I’d tell you about it. “Next” is probably one of the most insane shows on television right now. I can’t believe how poorly scripted and acted it is, yet I’m mesmerized every time it comes on since every contestant on that show is a whore - man or woman. Every guy on there talks about his junk, and every girl talks about either her rack, her ass, or what she can do with her mouth. It’s a half hour of sexual innuendos - and it’s awesome. One guy goes on a date with 5 women one at a time. At any point during the date, if he doesn’t like her, he “nexts” her, and the next girl comes off the bus. And they also do the one girl and five guys date. The best part of the show is the introductions when the children of our future tell us a scripted one-liner about themselves. I tivo’ed yesterday’s episode just so you could get the full grasp on where we’ve come as a society that this show airs in about a 4 hour block of nonstop episodes every morning. Here’s how the five guys introduced themselves yesterday:
“I’m Dan, I’m 22. I’m good with kids….but I’m better at makin’ them.” Sure Dan. Because at 22, your level of maturity and experience totally outdoes anyone else.
“I’m Rick, I’m 20. I’m a future FBI agent and I hope this girl’s lookin’ to get tapped.” He’s going to wire tap her? Huh? What’s the…..oh. I get it. He’s gonna tap that ass. Thanks for the heads up Rick.
“I’m Kevin, I’m 23. And my nickname is rooster cuz I have one hell of a ‘cock-a-doodle-doo’”. Shocker, this guy was black.
“I’m Tarynn, I’m 19. And if this girl’s fine, I might just tear into that booty.” I’m convinced that’s not even his real name. They just used that so the writers could work in “tear into that booty”. Never heard a guy named Tarynn.
“I’m Ryan, I’m 19. I work at an auto parts care store, so you know I can work on some muffler.” Kinda didn’t make any sense Ryan. Must’ve been that writers first day on the job.
By the way, the chick ended up choosing Kevin because he was a personal trainer, did a strip tease. Probably had nothing to do with anything else either. And if that wasn’t bad enough, here’s what 3 of the 5 girls had to say in their introductions on the next date. The other two were twins and amazingly stayed away from the sexual innuendos.
“I’m Courtney, I’m 19. And no guy can say “next” to this waitresses big tips”(as she grabbed both of her breasts). Fascinating Courtney. I’m sure you’re well respected at your work.
“I’m Crissy, I’m 19. And you know what they say about us small town girls - we’re horny.” I didn’t realize that was the stereotype of small town girls. Her writer really must’ve run out of things to come up with.
“I’m Reva, I’m 19. And I’ve been a cheerleader since I was 3. Oh how my pom poms have grown” (as she grabbed both of her breasts). Yep, this is how teenagers act and speak nowadays. Their parents must be proud. And you know what the worst part of all this is? I’ll probably watch another couple episodes today if I’m bored. It’s that much a train wreck to pass up. Hmmmmm…..what would I say if I went on there even though I’m about 12 years past the age limit on this show? I think I got it. In true “Next”-speak:
I’m Steve, I’m 32. And I love to write ladies, so maybe if youre lucky, I’ll dip my pen in your ink.
That’s sure to get me laid, no?
-I am beyond proud to announce to those that haven’t heard, VH1 is following in MTV’s footsteps by creating a “RW/RR Challenge” type show of their own. Except their show will use cast members from “Rock of Love”, “Flavor of Love”, and “I Love NY”. It debuts July 13th, which means, I will book nothing on my calendar that day. Are you kidding me? You’ve seen how wild ass the “RW/RR Challenge” shows get? Just imagine that show on crack, and that’s what “I Love Money” will be. I cannot wait for this. According to the press release, “I Love Money”….
“….will follow 17 contetants from either of the three aforementioned “Celebreality” shows, as they travel to Mexico, where they’ll live together and compete in various challenges that test their desire to get rich quick. The sole winner will receive $250,000.”
The only thing I won’t be familiar with is the contestants from “Flavor of Love” and “I Love NY” since I never really paid attention to those. Let’s just hope most of the people cast are from the first two seasons of “Rock of Love”. Now that’s entertaining television. What we saw last night was crap. And nothing I hadn’t heard or read before. Let’s get to it.
-In case you didn’t notice, the “Women Tell All” episode has really slipped in past seasons. Last season they didn’t even do one because they had to do an “After the Final Rose” which was awesome. But honestly, last night, there was zero drama, zero scandal, barely any cat fighting, and most of the show was replaying stuff we’ve already seen. So I only have a few tidbits from last night before I get into more good juicy stuff about myself you’re dying to hear about. That’s coming later.
-These shows always remind me how forgettable about 80% of the women who appear on this show are. They had 15 women show up last night, and I think only half of them spoke. Amy, Erin S., Stacy, Erin H., Kelly, Carri, Michele R., Kristine, Michelle P., Holly, Robin, Marshana, Ashleelee, Noelle, and Amanda. I don’t think Noelle spoke the whole night, and neither did Ashleelee. And those were 2 of the final 6. And why was that? Because ABC somehow thought we cared about seeing Marshana flap her gums onstage for seemed like eternity. Ok, bad choice of words. But you get what I’m saying. They dedicated the first segment to Stacy the drunk and her “Here Matt, take my panties so you’ll remember me for the Rose Ceremony tonight” moment. So what’d she have to say for herself? “I’m embarrassed. That’s not me. I’m a really nice girl.” Oh god, please. Look, you did it, own up to it. You’re telling me the first time you ever decided to slip a guy a pair of your panties was on a nationally televised show? Sure it was. Have another red bull and vodka, Stacy. And your parents called. They said to never contact them again.
-Robin was first up in the hot seat. I guess she overslept and was running late for the show since she showed up in her nightgown that barely hung down past her naval. Geez Robin. You know Matt is taken now. He’s not really looking at you anymore in that crazy, psychopath, stalking way you look at him. Robins explanation for her piss poor behavior on the show? “I’ve been hurt a lot by women. A lot more than by men. So I guess it’s just a defense mechanism.” Maybe because you’re such a beyotch around women is why they hurt you. Or maybe truly deep down inside, you enjoy women’s company. And their soft caress. And their supple breasts. This is beginning to sound like a romance novel. “As Robin gazed lovingly into Chelsea’s eyes, her heart pounding inside her chest, as she nervously attempts to tell Chelsea how she really feels. Robin takes Chelsea’s warm firm hands into her own, presses them up against her curvaceous breastseseseses, and romantically leans in and rams her tongue down Chelsea’s esophagus.” Whew. Getting hot in here. Maybe that’s my second calling? Romance novels.
-Robin also felt something on this show that she’s never felt before. Other than, of course, the love for another woman. “I don’t think I’ve ever been truly hated before this.” Yet again, my guess is you have. If you’ve already admitted you’ve been hurt by women before, I’m guessing at some point they hated you. For being a troll. And in a way, I feel bad for Robin in the sense that there are plenty of factions in America that protest against trolls. That’s just wrong. Even trolls have feeling too, you know. Speaking of weird looking creatures, Marshana said she seemed to have the biggest problem with Robin. Marshana: “I thought you were intentionally mean to me.” Yes, she probably was Marshana. And you know why? Because you’re a giant drama queen who probably should’ve been cast for “Flavor of Love” and not this show. But hey, who am I to judge? I might be the only person out there who thinks that way about you. Ha ha…not quite.
-Marshana is next up in the hot seat and basically tries to explain her behavior. All I saw was a lot of head bobbing and finger waving, and I pretty much tuned out from there. I did hear her say that she felt “Robin had an attitude of superiority to me”. Translation: She thought she was better than me cuz she’s white. And we all know the track record of sisters on this show. It ain’t all that and a bag a chips. Ya hear? Oh, no you dih-int. Good Lord. I was SHOCKED that the race card didn’t come out after that statement. SHOCKED. I was fully expecting a race riot to break out on stage last night as basically we knew what Marshana was getting at with that line. Good thing Host Chris stepped in and prevented that from happening. I knew they paid him handsomely for something. I’m telling you, if I were ever about to get my ass kicked, you ask me who the one guy I’d want to have my back, it’s Chris Harrison. He’s one mean lookin’ S.O.B. Ha…A Frenchman carrying a bouquet of roses and a puppy while sliding down a rainbow looks more menacing than Host Chris.
-There was one catfight last night, if you want to call it that. It was just one line spewed out by Marshana (shocker, I know) that made the audience go, “Ooooooohhhhhhh”. Here was an exchange between Robin and Marshana.
Marshana: “I can handle the criticism.”
Robin: “But you can’t.”
Marshana: “Robin, you are dismissed.”
What? No, “Walk off!!!…Walk off!!!…Walk off!!!…Walk off!!!!” You’re dismissed? Are you her teacher? And considering the argument pretty much went nowhere after that statement, it showed how annoying Marshana is. She has these phrases that no one else uses, and she uses them at the most inopportune times. Let’s just say, I’m glad we’ve seen the last of Marshana.
-Amanda was the last one up in the hot seat. One thing I always do during the season, is read all the girls exit interviews they do with the media after their episode airs. You can find them on www.realitytvworld.com usually on Wednesday or Thursday on the week they’re eliminated. I have it linked over in the right hand column. Anyway, one things I read during Amanda’s interview that I couldn’t believe she didn’t bring up last night was the main reason behind pulling her prank. She told the interviewer she did it because her parents live in such a small town in Tallahassee, there would be nothing to do there. Apparently the town only has one stoplight. So she figured she’d spice things up and play the prank. I guess I can kinda understand that, but why wouldn’t she tell most of the audience who didn’t know that story yet about that being part of the reason?
-Apparently Meepers still doesn’t get why she was eliminated. “I’m just as confused now as when I left…Why didn’t he show any concerns with me?…I thought we were going to get engaged. I really did.” Wow. Delusional, this girl is. Is it possible he just didn’t like you as a future wife? Is that ok? I mean, he had to get rid of somebody. And maybe he didn’t show concerns towards you but did towards Shayne and Chelsea. Doesn’t mean you were the one for him? I’m shocked at how some of these women can’t come to grips with the fact that because they didn’t get chosen, they completely are left in the cold as to why. So Matt comes out, Meepers asks him why, and he basically says because the word “like” came out of her mouth more than “love” did. So there Amanda. Take that. Because you didn’t pretend that you fell in love with some British import in 6 weeks, you got sent home. Trust me Meeps, I think you’ll be better off for it. You didn’t want to marry this guy anyway. He’s douchey.
-Amanda says the one thing she learned out of all this was that “people need to know that you like them. And I need to know if they like me.” Wow. What a novel concept. You mean you had to go on this show to figure that out? Normally when you like a guy, you don’t tell him? And you play that stupid game of “Well, I like you, but I’m not gonna act like I like you, cuz then it’ll seem to easy, and god forbid, we have any of that”? Good one, Amanda. Now you have your answer as to why you’re single. Well, that and the fact your family seems to be living the life of “Little House and the Prairie”. One stoplight? Really? I couldn’t fathom living in a town that small with that little to do. I’d go crazy.
-So other than a few outtakes of bloopers we didn’t see, that was the whole show. See? Told you that you missed nothing? I think they should just eliminate this show altogether and just always do an “After the Final Rose” show with the final two girls and have them duke it out. Especially have the Bachelor and the one he chose making out and holding hands right in front of the one that was scorned. That would make for great television. Especially next week. Like say Chelsea changes out of her dress like she did on the fantasy date, but Shayne is forced to sit there and watch while Matt and Chelsea grope each other. Who wouldn’t watch that?
-A couple last notes to get to. I was at a restaurant the other day, one I frequent at least 3 or 4 times a week for lunch. Anyway, a waitress that I’d never had before, saw my water glass was empty, and the only thing she said to me was, “Would you like me to top you off, sir?” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I nodded my head and said yes, but I really think I should’ve made the situation a little more uncomfortable by responding with, “You mean here? I would think the bathroom is a more appropriate place, don’t you?’ I’m sure that wouldn’t have embarrassed her much. I don’t think a waitress has ever said that to me at a restaurant before. Especially not when she doesn’t say anything before it or after it. Just a, “Would you like me to top you off, sir?” and leaves. Maybe it’s because my mind is in the gutter all day is why I find that so funny. I had lunch there yesterday, and a guy served me. I’m glad he didn’t ask the same question. I might’ve spit up my food.
-Remember for “Dr. Reality Steve” started I used to re-print “Dear Abby” questions from the LA Times that I had read over lunch and answered them in my own way? Well, I’m thinking of maybe doing that again on occasion. When I was in LA the other week, I kept the “Calendar” section because of this one particular question asked by a reader. This was awesome. This makes me wish I could do this as a second job. So this was actually in the “Ask Amy” part. I think Amy emailed me onetime after a re-printed one of her letters. Anyway, here it was from April 28th:
Dear Amy,
I have found the love of my life. He is amazing and wonderful. We are only 21 and don’t plan on marrying until we graduate from college - and then we have to find jobs and plan for a wedding. It will probably be three or more years until we marry.
The thing is, I’m Catholic and promised myself I wouldn’t have sex until marriage, but I really want to share that experience with my boyfriend.
I feel so conflicted. My family would be so disappointed if I had sex before marriage. I know I should feel that God wants me to wait. It is just hard because sex is so prevalent.
My boyfriend has been great and says he can wait, but sometimes we both have a weak moment and have come close. I don’t know what to do.
Conflicted Catholic
Well, well, well. Little jail bait wants to give it up but promised she’d wait. Immediately my first response to this was, “I guarantee this girls already had sex.” She’s just looking to justify her doing it when she promised herself she wouldn’t until marriage. We both have had “weak moments” and have “come close”. So she’ll do everything else, but not sex? Uh huh. Sure she hasn’t. Look “Conflicted Catholic”, hear me out. I’m Catholic. And I’ve had sex before marriage. And so should you. There. Now be on your merry way and you can thank me later. Man, that felt good. I should be like a Youth Ministry leader or something. I think I’d set a good example to our youth of today. I mean, would it really matter if she listened to me anyway? Look at what the rest of our teenagers are saying on MTV to each other. This girl will be on drugs or pregnant by 24. Just a prediction.
-Anyway, that’s all for this week. Bear with me as I’m still tinkering with things on the site. We want to replace the ads that were on the old Blogger, maybe figure out an easier way to navigate around, although right now, it looks pretty easy to me. Just click on the past columns you want to read. But it looks like for the time being, no more technical glitches and the column will be up and ready to go every Tuesday. I still can’t believe we don’t get a break in between seasons. Oh well. That means more of me in your lives for the next couple months. You should be ecstatic. Any emails, questions, comments, praises, criticisms, thoughts on the new site, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…
The Bachelor Links
May 6th, 2008
