It’s back. Part 2 will cover “The Hills”, an update on the “Bachelorette”, “Heroes”, “Friday Night Lights”, “90210″, “Fringe”, “Gossip Girl”, and a couple trailers from “24″. Also, a couple celebrity quotes that I came across which are laughable. Enjoy.

THE HILLS

-Talk about a show I’ve done a 180 on. I remember a while back when I was posting the trailer for season 3 because I was so excited. Now sure, I still watch every week, but this show has gotten too big for its own good. When all the girls personal lives are on the internet every day or in “Us Weekly”, then there really isn’t much suspense is there? We already know how everything plays out, the show is just giving us a visual of what actually transpired from what we read. Take for example, Monday’s episode. Heidi writes the “I’m sorry” letter to LC for everything that’s happened. Well, great. For those not in the know and don’t follow the show outside of what you see every Monday, then sure, it might seem like these two are headed for a reconciliation. But most people know that Heidi and Spencer are still living together, doing awful fake photo shoots every other day and are as happy as clams together. So we know that her and LC aren’t friends. But the show wants to make you believe it could still happen. I don’t see it.

-I do agree with LC and Heidi on one thing imparticular, and that’s that Spencer is the cause of everything. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say Spencer Pratt probably has something to do with our economy being in the toilet. He might be the sleeziest, most manipulative, slimy character on television right now. And he loves it. Read any interview with the guy, and you’ll see how much he loves being the villain on that show. He’s eating it up. Now, I don’t know Spencer personally, but I’m almost positive that the Spencer Pratt on the “Hills” is a completely exaggerated version of himself. He is on TV, you know. He does have cameras following him everywhere. Of course he’s gonna play the villain role up. He and Heidi are marketing whores. We’ve heard them say numerous times together that LC is the one with the problem, LC won’t let it go, it’s LC’s show and that’s why she’s portrayed in such a good light and Heidi and Spencer are always crapped on. Well, if it were that bad, and they hated being portrayed on the show like they have, why wouldn’t they just quit? I’ll tell you why: Because they’re not stupid. They know where their bread is buttered. The more they stay on the show, the more publicity they get. And as they always say, “Bad publicity is better than no publicity”. As long as people are talking about them, they’re relevant. Try opening a gossip mag any day of the week and not reading a story about either one of them. The reason they continue to stay on the “Hills” despite bitching about it all the time is because it keeps them in the news. And they’re after their own spin off show, which I guarantee they get.

-Hey, if Whitney is getting her own spin off show (which she is), I’m guessing Heidi and Spencer will since way more people care about their ridiculous existence that Whitney’s. Sure, Whitney is 100 times more likable, but that’s probably the reason her show will end up being boring. She’s too nice, and “too nice” never really translates well to television. What kind of drama will Whitney get on her show? We’ve seen her go out on one date in three seasons? Unless she starts whoring it up and making sex tapes, I just don’t see where her show would be interesting, unless you’re really into fashion and like seeing her work for Diane Von Furstenberg. Sorry. Not my cup of tea. Once the “Hills” ends, which should be after this season, Whitney’s show will start, and shortly thereafter, I’m guessing Heidi and Spencer’s.

-When you think about it, it really is amazing what has happened to LC’s life in such a short time. Three years ago she was a high school senior following Stephen around like a puppy dog even though he would go running back to Kristin when he wanted hot monkey sex. Then LC goes off to college, lasts a semester, moves back to Orange County, gets her own spinoff show, moves to LA, gets a new best friend in Heidi, tries to reconnect with racist, drunk Jason, that falls apart, as does her relationship with Heidi over rumors of a sex tape, goes to fashion school, and now has her own fashion line that’s completely overpriced for her fan base. Yet, she’s designing dresses for people at the Emmy’s. Talk about a crazy three years. Who would’ve ever thought after watching season 1 of Laguna Beach that LC would be the one to hit it big out of all of them? Kristin? Uhhhh yeah…give her two more years before she starts doing soft porn on Skinemax. Then two years after that it’ll be on to the big stuff. Count on it. Stephen? I think he’s waiting tables at Macaroni Grill somewhere. Tre? I believe he lives under a tree in New York somewhere holding a cup. Jessica? Already busted for two DUI’s and going to community college in Orange County. Think any of them are jealous of LC?

-If they weren’t jealous before, I’m guessing they are now after Defamer.com posted a story this week about how much each cast member makes. Remember, this is a reality show. Pretty amazing the coin that these people are raking in. Here’s the list in case you missed it.

Lauren Conrad: $75,000 per episode
Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode
Spencer Pratt: $65,00 per episode
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth: $10,000 per episode
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode

Let’s remember, this show is now in its 4th season. Season 1 I believe had 10 or 12 episodes. Season 4 is going to have 22 episodes. You do the math. Pretty disgusting, huh? And you wonder how they can drive $80,000 cars and live the life they do? Well, ummmm, because they’re millionaires.

-In yet another case of being a victim of its own success, comes this Audrina/Justin Bobby/Cory love triangle. Hey Cory, I know you’re quite the charmer with that Australian accent and all, but, do we really need the arm sleeves of tattoos? Is that necessary? Well, considering Audrina is with neither of them now and apparently has latched on to someone else, kinda makes that storyline much less interesting. Just open up “US Weekly” to see who Audrina is banging now. Some douche I’ve never heard of. But apparently he’s attracted to 100lb chicks with giant silicone bowling balls strapped to her chest. Let’s see, Heidi’s gotten implants since the show started and so has Audrina. We know Lauren will never get them because it would go against everything that she preaches about not being caught up in the Hollywood scene, and how she likes her body the way it is, blah blah blah. Maybe Whitney will upgrade her plus-2’s and debut them when her show starts. By the way, it’s being called “The City”. Some really creative people to come up with a name like that for the show. When Heidi and Spencer get their spin-off, how about we just go with “The Douches”.

-I think the main story we should be focusing on with Audrina is her running to her MySpace page and addressing these rumors that Lauren hooked up with Justin Bobby. Audrina says she doesn’t know what to believe, Lauren has flat out denied it, and Justin Bobby isn’t talking, as usual. But then we get the famous “according to a source” story from “US Weekly” claiming that Audrina made it up to create a storyline for the show because she feels left out. Now that I wouldn’t put past her at all. Completely believable. Especially since it came down right after it was announced that Whitney was getting her own show. Can’t possibly have her steal the spotlight now, can we? I think it’s safe to say Audrina’s taste in men rivals that of a prostitute. She has no shame. As evidenced by the fact she goes topless in the pool last night to seduce Justin Bobby, only to have a conversation seconds later about him having a “hall pass” when they’re in Cabo. Translation: Let me go bang any woman I want when we’re there and you don’t get pissed. Sounds fair to her.

BACHELORETTE

-Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, or live a life without another season of this mess, it’s not. A casting call has gone out for season 5 of the “Bachelorette”. I guess since they’re so thrilled with DeAnna and Jesse’s “success”, they want to do another one. And by the looks of it, they don’t want to cast a previous contestant. We’ll see about that. Speaking of DeAnna and Jesse, do me a favor. Go to their website, www.deannaandjesse.com, and tell me you don’t think the whole thing is just odd. I mean, real odd. The fact that they’re constantly updating us on what they’re doing, where they are, what appearances they’ll be making, and how in love they are with each other, makes it that much more fake to me. Sorry. Not buying it.

90210

-This show is incredibly frustrating, and I’ll tell you why. For those of us that grew up with the original “90210″, this thing couldn’t possibly be any further from that. I understand they’re trying to re-create the nostalgia, but please. This show has nothing to do with the original other than Kelly, Brenda, Nat, and the Peach Pit. Nat barely has anything to do with the show, Brenda is off and hasn’t been re-signed yet for any new episodes, the Peach Pit is not the Peach Pit if David Silver isn’t rapping or Jamie Walters isn’t bitch slapping Donna one night, then singing “How Do You Talk to an Angel” the next. It’s laughable how “2008″ this version. First episode we see Annie re-connecting with old flame Ethan from a distance. She sees him in his car and waves to him just as another chick is getting up from his lap after a lunchtime BJ. Boy, how times have changed. Could you imagine seeing that scene back in 1991 involving Dylan, Brenda, and some skank? Neither can I.

-If I told you this show was called “Eastside High”, would you tell me, “No way. This is totally ‘90210′. I can see all the resemblances.” No, you wouldn’t. Nor should you. It’s just another high school show that just happens to have the “90210″ title attached to it. You mean, we’re supposed to believe the Wilson’s have replaced the Walsh’s? Please. In the Walsh’s, you actually believed they could be a real family. The Wilson’s? It’s just four actors thrown together and told, “Hey, you’re our star family. Make it work.” And I find it pretty comical that a running joke through all the years of the original “90210″ was that they never had any black people on the show. So what does the new version do? Not only do they cast Dixon, they make him part of the main family in an adoption angle. Sorry. Too forced. I don’t see it. He sticks out like a sore thumb on this show. And not because of the color of skin, it’s because he’s a horrible actor, as are most of the people on this show. It just doesn’t fit. It’s too forced and too unbelievable. Yes, I know it’s only been five episodes, but there’s no way the Wilson’s will ever come close to replacing the Walsh’s.

-And what’s the deal with all the chicks on this show being rail thin? It’s Beverly Hills. Can we at least get a couple chicks on this show with implants? Seems to me that’d make it a little more realistic. It’s funny, about a month ago, someone asked me about the show after it first aired, and the first thing I noticed was that two of the main characters (Annie and Silver) were grossly underweight. Then what do you know? A week later, those two are the cover of an “US Weekly” asking whether or not they’re too thin. It’s ok, “US Weekly”. I’ll let you steal from me. No worries. Yeah, apparently these girls split a peanut for lunch, and dinner consists of water and a fig leaf. The weird thing is, if they weren’t so skinny, they’d be hot. Acting? Well, that’s a different story. But if you’re watching “90210″ for the acting, then you’re the one with problems.
-So here’s a quick rundown on everyone else the show has to offer:

Naomi- I preferred her much more when she was getting banged by Dr. Sean McNamara in “Nip/Tuck”. Good stuff. Her crying scenes may be the worst on television right now. That face she makes before the tears start coming is frightening.

Harry Wilson– I liked him better on “Melrose Place” when he was chasing skirt. But hey, he was once married to Josie Bissett, so he gets points for that.

Kelly Taylor– Yummy. Can never go wrong with Jennie Garth. I believe she’s back for another 5 or 6 episodes later on in the season. Good. Gives me a reason to keep watching.

Brenda Walsh– Was never a fan of hers from the original, so I could care less if she comes back.

Mr. Matthews– I like this guy if he wasn’t such a wuss. Hey, he got to first base with Kelly Taylor. Then again, who doesn’t? The fact he didn’t get past that stage with one of the all-time sluts in TV history tells you all you need to know about this guys game. Maybe next time, bud.

Steve Sanders, Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay, David Silver – All need to come back to save this show. And soon. Basically what I’m saying is, can we do a “90210″ remake with all the original characters? Thanks. I don’t ask for much.

GOSSIP GIRL

-Slowly moving up the charts of “One of my favorites shows that I have no business watching”. If you liked the “OC”, then you’ll like “Gossip Girl” considering its written by the same guy. Different characters, different setting, same storylines. Cheating, drinking, drugs, and hot, spoiled chicks in high school. When the show first started, I was a “Blair” guy. Loved me some Blair Waldorf. But the more and more I watch, and the more and more times Blake Lively keeps showing up on the internet and in magazines, I’m slowly starting to become a fan. Right now, it’s a toss up. I don’t know if I’m with Team Blair or Team Serena. I’ll let you know when I finally decide. Actually, I won’t be the one deciding. What’s in my pants will. He’s usually the judge, jury, and executioner when it comes to stuff like this. Whatever he says goes, so I just follow his lead.

-I understand that Chuck Bass’ character is a little out there and different, but, who dresses that guy? Do all New York preppies wear plaid pants and bowties out in public? Seems to me like they REALLY exaggerate his wardrobe to the point of being retarded. As for Nate, I ran into that guy at a movie theater here in Dallas a couple months ago. He was walking to the concession stand by himself. I, on the other hand, was with a hot date. So basically that means that I’m cool and he’s a loser. Yep. That’s what it means. At least in my eyes it does. And he pretty much looked how I expected. Like a skinny Abercrombie and Fitch model that probably wears make up when he’s not supposed to. But yet, as always, he could pull any 18-24 year hottie in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area if he wanted to, so I guess he has some sort of scoreboard on me.

-First you hear the rumors flying that Chuck and Nate (who are roommates together in NY where they film) were gay. Then you hear that Nate was secretly seeing Drew Barrymore, only to see a couple days later a picture of Drew making out with Chuck at a NY bar. I’ve come to the conclusion after seeing that story that Drew Barrymore and I will probably get married someday since she pretty much has no standards. And any woman with no standards gives me a chance. I mean, just look at the crop of guys she’s been linked to over the years. You’d need a spreadsheet just to keep up. Justin Long? The Mac guy? Really? Your legs start to shake at the sight of him? Excuse me, Drew, nice to meet you. Reality Steve here. If you’re available, I’d love to take you to the Olive Garden some day for an unlimited supply of soup, salad, and breadsticks. I know how to spoil my women.

HEROES

-Here’s the major problem I’m having with “Heroes”. Actually, it’s three-fold:

1) Nobody can ever die on that show anymore (at least none of the main characters)
2) Too many characters with too many paths that have crossed in the past which completely confuses me.
3) I don’t know whose got what powers now. Everyone seems to be able to do everything.

Season 1 was great. You knew exactly who the characters were, what powers they had, and what their purpose was. The story built the whole season to the exploding man in NYC, yet you didn’t know who or why until the finale. Granted, the finale kinda disappointed for all the hype it had, but it was still an overall solid first season that any show has ever produced. I understand that season 2 got affected by the writers strike, but that was probably a good thing considering that season veered WAAAAY off track. Too many ridiculous storylines and too many new characters, that frankly, I don’t think a lot of people cared for. And the ratings showed it. Season 3 has tried to go back to the roots of Season 1, but I’m afraid once again, it’s getting a little too convoluted. One person shouldn’t have to think so much while watching a show. There should be some twists and turns to make it interesting, but everytime someone appears on screen, I shouldn’t have to ask myself, “Ok, how do they know that person? Where did they once meet up before? Why are they good/bad again?” Seems like a bit much.

-I guess I sorta see where this season is headed: Father Petrelli, who I guess was supposed to be dead but is now brought back to life, is creating an “army” of “villains” to go up against all those “heroes” with special powers. That’s great and all, but when the line is getting blurred as to who is considered a villain and who is considered a hero, that’s where they lose me. I’m sure in time this will all play out, but anyone that watched this show from the beginning has got to agree that Season 1 was so much easier to follow. Especially now that they’ve incorporated the “future” Peter and “future” Claire. That’s getting to be a bit too much. So now the future versions of themselves can come back to present day and rescue/save/kill? We’re bordering on ridiculous now.

-And I know I’ll probably be in the minority saying this, but I’m telling you, Hiro Nakamura is the most annoying character on that show. I know, I know. Most of you probably think he’s cute and funny. I find him extremely annoying. And his whole “superhero” storyline that’s been going on since the beginning is getting old. That’s one of the main problems with the show now: too many characters. Here are the characters that are the most interesting: All the Petrelli’s, Noah Bennett, Sylar, Claire, and Mohinder. If they did away with Parkman, Hiro, Maya (which should be coming next week), Adam Monroe, all the Level 5 rejects, and Nikki/Barbara/Jessica, would anyone really be that upset? And I love how they’ve completely just forgotten to mention the chick from last season that Micah moved in with. You know, the one that could copy anything she saw on television? Uhhh, what happened to her? Not that I care to see her again, but can we at least get an explanation? Especially since she’s a fellow Loyola Marymount Lion. That right there should warrant immediate respect.

FRINGE

-Beginning to like this show more and more, and this coming from someone who was never a fan of the “X-Files”. From all accounts, and people I’ve talked to who were fans of that show, “Fringe” is pretty similar. I’ve just always taken a liking to shows that carry on a story arc throughout the course of a season, revealing little by little every episode. Each episode is separate in its own way, yet plays to an overlying theme of the show. In “Fringes” case, it would be “the pattern”. Somehow, all these weird events will be linked.

-As much as I like Joshua Jackson, it’s still hard for me to watch this show and not think of Pacey Witter. To me, he’ll always be the little horndog that was sleeping with the teacher then, in the end, ended up with Katie Holmes while Dawson created a TV show about their childhood. And I will argue this with anyone to my grave, that the series finale of “Dawson’s Creek” was one of the top 5 series finales of all-time. Better than “Seinfeld”, better than “Cheers”, better than “Friends”, etc. If you followed that show from day one, which I did (I know. Shocker, huh?), then you wouldn’t think I’m that crazy. If you were a casual observer of the show, then you’ll think I’m nuts. Trust me. It was an unbelievable finale that any fan of the show should watch again. It wasn’t over-the-top, it wasn’t ridiculous, it wasn’t forced, and it actually made sense. And who would’ve thought when that show was airing that Katie Holmes would end up being the crazy one when it was all said and done? Certainly not me. And that James Van Der Beek would have the most insignificant career after the show ended? Weird how that works.

-However, if you haven’t seen “Fringe” yet, but want to start, I suggest going to Fox’s website and catching up on past episodes. If you try and start watching now, you might get a little confused as to who is doing what and why things are happening. Just a suggestion. The acting is good, the story is interesting, and its almost as if you’re watching a movie every week. And I like the fact that the female lead isn’t ridiculously hot to where it distracts from the story. Not hot, but certainly not ugly. Trust me, if she were hot, then it would completely detract from me enjoying the show. Kinda like how Kate Walsh does with “Private Practice”. I can’t get into the meat and potatoes of that show because she makes my pants tight. That and the fact that there’s just too much crying on that show for me. Every episode someone, at least once, has broken down to tears. Attractive cast though, I will give them that. We all know about Kate Walsh. Amy Brenneman is MILF’y in her own way. And the female doctor that Cooper is schtupping is hot too. Don’t know her name. Doesn’t matter. She’s juggy.

24

-Anyone that knows me, knows my ridiculous obsession with “24″. It’s beyond comprehension, so just know that. So with that said, you can imagine how stir crazy I’ve gone over the last year and a half since we last saw an episode. It was all set to come back this January as usual until the writers strike hit. They had 8 episodes in the can, but due to the fact they wouldn’t be able to complete all 24 and run them uninterrupted from January-May, they figured they’d hold off until this January. Well, to hold people over, they’ve decided to do a 2 hour movie, still done in real time, and air it on Nov. 23rd. For those that don’t want to be spoiled or don’t want to know anything, stop reading now because I’m going to give a summary of where we left off, where the show stands now, and where the show is headed.

-When we last saw Jack at the end of Season 6, he was standing on a cliff outside of Secretary Heller’s house having just said goodbye to Audrey. There were rumors at that time, that during that final scene of him overlooking that cliff, Tony was going to appear. Producers decided to hold off on that and have Tony re-appear in Season 7, as we saw when they first started promoting Season 7 last year. Now, I’m not sure how they’re explaining Tony is still alive, but he is, and they will. Apparently it’s somewhat believable. I’ve gone over this numerous times in my head whether I like this or not. On one hand, “24″ has never had a character die on screen (like Tony did in Jack’s arms during season 5), then come back to life. So in that aspect, I don’t like it. However, this is Tony Almeida we’re talking about. Outside of Jack and President Palmer, probably the most liked character on the show. Hey, if they can give me an explanation that’s remotely believable, then I’m on board for the return of Tony.

-Anyway, before we can get to Tony and his storyline (which at present time, has him returning as a bad guy which you’ll see in the clip below), we must address this prequel movie. The movie takes place roughly four years after Season 6 has ended. The movie itself was shot in real time, but two different storylines will be taking place. It’s Inauguration Day in the United States with new female President Allison Taylor taking the reigns from Noah Daniels, who you remember took over for Wayne Palmer when he got sick. Is Wayne dead? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they’re going to address it. So in this 2 hour movie, things are happening in the U.S. with the new President being sworn in, all the while, Jack is in Africa helping out a friend who runs a missionary. Well, of course, all hell breaks loose and Jack is caught in the middle of it.

-How does the prequel play into Season 7? Not sure quite yet, but it does. Season 7 takes place a few months after the prequel happens (in TV time). Real time, the prequel is Nov. 23, and the new season starts in January. But basically, if you watch the prequel, you’ll have a better understanding of how Season 7 is going to start with Jack in front of Congress having to pay for what’s happened in his past. So, if I haven’t confused you enough, and if you haven’t had your TV on Fox for the last month, here is the main trailer for the “24″ movie, airing Nov. 23rd. Yes, I’ve already watched it about 50 times. Enjoy.

As for Season 7, this was the trailer that they started running last year, when they thought the season would start in January of 08′. I’m guessing nothing has changed since they’ve almost completed Season 7 as a whole, which I’ll get to in a minute.

Now, if you can’t get excited for the show returning after watching those previews, then you don’t have a pulse. And I can never speak to you again. So there. When Season 7 begins in January, it’ll be the first time in “24″ history that the whole season will have been completed filming before the first episode airs. This was all because of the dumb ass writers strike. The positive is that it gave them plenty of time to map out the whole season in advance and not write on the fly as the season goes along. The negative? It gives no room for error. If something isn’t sitting well with the audience, or if there’s a character that isn’t working, they can’t kill them off or change the storyline. When January rolls around, all 24 episodes will be done. Usually they only have the first 12 or so completed before the first one airs. So this could be a blessing in disguise, or it could backfire. Only time will tell. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. The producers know Season 6 was their worst season. Wasn’t terrible by any means, just probably the weakest they’ve done based on a lot of repetitive storylines. But from everything I’ve read, the “24″ movie, and Season 7, are the best things they’ve done in a while. Only 5 more weeks. And yes, I’m counting the seconds. So should you.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

-Never before in the six years of writing this column have I ever asked my readers to start watching a show. I’ll recommend stuff, maybe give glowing reviews of something, but never have I actually come out and asked people to start watching a show. Until now. I don’t know how else I can put this other than “Friday Night Lights” is one of the best shows you’ll ever see. No, it’s not a show about football. No, it’s not a show only guys will like. Let me put it to you this way: If you went to high school, and you enjoyed high school, you’ll love “Friday Night Lights”. The acting is about as good as you can get on television, the storylines are completely believable (outside of the football scenes which get to be over-the-top), and the cast is about as likable as any cast you’ll ever come across. There’s hot chicks for guys to drool over (I’m still debating if I’d rather have monkey sex with Tyra or Lyla), and there’s plenty of man candy for the women to drool over.

-Do yourself a favor and either rent disc one of Season 1, or just watch it online. If you can honestly tell me after watching the first four episodes that you’re not hooked, then, well, you’re an idiot. We complain all the time about how “The Hills” is scripted, or all the skanks on “Rock Of Love” are ridiculous, or the “Bachelor” is a failure, but, we keep watching. Yet a brilliant show like this, which is about a good a family show I’ve seen on television in the last 15 years, goes unwatched and might be on the verge of cancellation. If you don’t listen to anything else I ever say again, just know I’m being serious about this show. You’ll like it. A lot. It’s almost impossible not to. So that’s your homework assignment. Watch the first four episodes of Season 1. If you can honestly tell me you didn’t like it, I’ll try to believe you. But I’m guessing you won’t and you’ll want to keep watching more. Season 1 has a full 22 episode season, and Season 2 was only 13 episodes because of the writers strike. Each season you can go buy at Target right now for $19.99. Do it. Season 3 doesn’t air on NBC until January or February so you have a couple months to get caught up. You won’t be disappointed. If you like television, and you really like to get immersed in a good show and not reality crap, this is a can’t miss show.

Quote of the Week: “Seriously, at the end, do you really feel like you’re going to walk away being her best friend? Are we gonna hang out and do lunch together? - Michelle Kopasz, after getting eliminated from Paris Hiltons “My New BFF”. I haven’t watched two seconds of this show, but this quote pretty much sums up how I feel about it. Exactly. Like Paris is ever going to be seen hanging out with whoever she chooses on this show. And Michelle, if that’s what you thought, exactly why did you go on the show in the first place?

Quote of the Week II: “I have done sexy photo shoots and stuff where people would assume that I am this really loud and outgoing but I’m really shy” - Kim Kardashian, shortly after getting eliminated from “Dancing with the Stars”. Really, Kim? You’re shy? I never would’ve guessed by that sex tape you released when you let Ray-J urinate on you. Congratulations on being used as someone elses toilet. Must feel real good about yourself.

Well, that’s it. I told you it would be here this week, and it is. A little late, but hey, it made it. Do you realize that both Part 1 and Part 2 of this column combined were 23 pages on Microsoft Word? Told you it was the longest thing I’d written. So if you have any questions, comments, emails, suggestions, praises, criticisms, feel free to send them my way at: steve@realitysteve.com. I’ll be back in a couple weeks with all the latest and greatest in the world of television. Heading to California for Halloween weekend for a radio appearance and getting to trick-or-treat with my niece and nephew. I’m sure I’ll have a story or two from that. Until then…

Administrator Notes, Quotes...

-Back in college during my junior and senior year, I actually wrote a weekly column for our school newspaper under this same title of “Notes, Quotes, and Observations.” So after having a very nostalgic moment last week, I figured I’d break out the old title and use it on this column. Granted, that column was an all-sports column that I’m sure pissed off a few people (mostly Notre Dame fans) on a weekly basis. This will be strictly TV related, reality and non-reality. Sure, once the “Bachelor” starts up again, we’ll be going back to the “Bachelor” recaps, but that’s not til January. I need to do something to hold you over. So I figured I’d just cover everything that I deem important going on in television right now. I’ll have some notes that you may or may not know, a few outlandish quotes that celebrities seemingly have on a daily basis, and most definitely I’ll have some observations on things that I watch. So without further adieu, as I dust off the old college articles, here’s our first ever installment of “Notes, Quotes, and Observations” on RealitySteve.com.

-Even though it’s been a month since I’ve been there, a couple notable things from my trip to Vegas. Well, at least the ones that I’m allowed to print.

1) The Friday night I was there, as I’m roaming the Mandalay Bay casino floor trying to figure out which black jack dealer should take my money next, who do I see sitting at a table with two other guys? None other than…Damon Lindelof. Ha ha…you were probably expecting to hear me say “Carmen Electra”, or “Megan Fox”, or some other random hot chick I’d do nasty things to. Nope. Of course, this is where my TV geek in me comes out. The fact I even know who Damon Lindelof is, let alone what he looks like, should tell you all you need to know. For you non-TV nerds, Damon Lindelof is the co-executive producer of “Lost”. The worst part is, I was just as excited to see that guy as I would’ve been any of those girls. I was so tempted to just play at his table so I could sit next to him and talk his ear off about the show, which is exactly why I didn’t do it. I figured that guy gets enough fans asking him “Where’s the island?” and “What happened to Jin?”, that he didn’t need it from me. Still, I’m kicking myself to this day for at least not sitting down, introducing myself, and engaging in some sort of conversation. I’m an idiot.

2) On the flight home, I got upgraded to first class. Not because I’m any sort of high roller, but I’m telling you this because it plays into the story. I got seated behind, what I thought, was a normal couple. He was a little older, looked like a chain smoker, and had a ponytail. She was white trash. Had on a black mini-skirt, yellow tank top, and a black bra. Yeah, you probably don’t want to go with the dark colored bra under the light colored shirt. Just screams, “I’m a slut”. Anyway, they were easily both in their 40’s, and consuming a ton of wine throughout the whole flight. So with about a half hour left, and I’m not kidding, these two start making out like the plane is about to go down and it’s the last physical contact they’ll ever have with anyone. For the final 30 minutes of the flight, these two were in full on, make out, groping mode. It was embarrassing. And all I could see was the top of their heads moving, but it was literally impossible to turn away. You ever NOT looked at a car crash on the freeway? Neither have I.

-As for my Maddie story, here’s the good news: When I was in Vegas, I boarded her at a new place that I found and she loved it. All the workers there were complimentary of her and the report card that she received gave her an “A”. They actually even take pictures of her playing with the other dogs and attach it to the report card. Now to the bad news: When walking her in my complex a couple weeks ago (as always on a leash), another dog owner was walking her two dogs unleashed. One of them (I have no idea what breed it was, but was right around Maddie’s size), comes walking over to us. As this dog approaches us, the owner says, “Don’t worry, she’s friendly.” Her and Maddie sniff each other for two seconds before this dog starts pouncing on Maddie. I’m screaming at this dog trying to get her off Maddie, all the while pulling Maddie’s leash. But this dog has basically attached itself to Maddie and the more I pull, the more I pull this dog with her. The other owner comes running over, and after about 30 seconds of barking and Maddie wailing, I finally separate the two. Then I went into a verbal tirade on this woman unlike anything I’d ever done. Called her names, dropped f-bombs, made her cry….it was, well, awesome. I can’t remember the last time I went off on someone like that. I also can’t remember the last time I was that scared. I was sure that Maddie would be bleeding or have scratches, but she came away unscathed. However, she was petrified for the next day or so, and I hope I never have to go through that experience again. That was terrible.

-Back in California a couple weeks ago and got to see my nieces soccer game. Quite interesting to say the least. It’s 4-on-4, no goalies, and the field is less that 50 yards long. Basically, it’s 8 kids all running after the ball at once. I can’t even believe anyone even scores a goal in this game. My niece really has a tough time understanding how to go about kicking the ball. When the other team has it, she just runs with the group alongside the person with the ball. When her team has it, she doesn’t want to get in the way. See, this is a problem. Olivia, you need to go steal the ball from your teammates and kick it yourself. Screw teamwork. They’re not looking out for you, so you need to just look out for yourself. I know you’re only 4 and aren’t even reading this, but trust me, this is something I’ve already re-iterated to her when I was out there. Just got a call yesterday from my sister, and what do you know, Olivia scored her first goal this past weekend. And apparently it was because she stole it from one of her teammates. That’s my niece. I taught her well.

-One of the other benefits about watching her game? Orange slices. How good are orange slices on a hot day? So during the halftime break, because I was hot and hungry, I told Olivia to go steal an extra bag of oranges for me. And she did. What a great uncle. Hey, it’s not like she wouldn’t have done it anyway considering after the game, she went over to the OTHER team’s goodie bag, and got one of their after-game snacks. Hey, what can I say? The girl knows what she wants and gets it. Can’t fault her for that. I added some new pictures from that day on my MySpace and Facebook pages. You’ll notice, her team name is the Storm Troopers. But don’t ever tell her that. She will correct you by yelling, “IT’S NOT THE STORM TROOPERS, IT’S THE STAR TREEPERS!”. Don’t ask. And don’t correct her. Just play along.

-As for my nephew, Nicholas, just ask him, “Who lives in the pineapple under the sea?” And you’ll get a response of “Sponge Bob”, although it sounds more like “Bom Bom”. He knows who Sponge Bob is, its just his pronunciation isn’t up to par at the ripe old of age of 18 months. Don’t hold it against him. It’s very cute.

-So where are the interviews that I promised a couple months ago? Well, lets start off first with Brad Womack. As I mentioned, Brad and I had about a 30 minute conversation a while back, during which, we decided that the VERY NEXT NIGHT, we were going to record a phone interview. About 4 hours before that interview was supposed to take place, Brad cancelled via text message and did not reschedule. In my mind, I knew at that point it wasn’t going to happen. But I still held out a glimmer of hope. Until two weeks ago, when I checked in with him, and got this email response:

Steve,

Brad

And that was that. However, I can’t fault the guy for being honest, and told him so in a follow up email. You just don’t get up front honesty that much anymore, and I really appreciated it. The guy just doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I can respect that. I disagree when he says he doesn’t think his story is interesting, as evidenced by the numerous emails from my readers suggesting otherwise, and I told him that, but he still declined. I’m ok with it. If the guy blew me off, never got back to me, or didn’t even give a reason as to why he changed his mind in 24 hours, then that’d bother me. A lot. But what can you say to someone who actually has the guts to personally tell you why he’s declining an interview? Kudos to Brad. You’re ok in my book. You just owe me a few beers next time I’m down in Austin, which will be sooner rather that later.

-As for the other two interviews, Graham and the mystery female guest, doesn’t look good. Graham agreed to do it, told me to call him, I did and left a message and I haven’t heard back. That was about 6 weeks ago. He knows I’m looking for him, and if he wants to do it, he knows where to find me. I think at this point though, as we’re getting closer to the next “Bachelor” season, he probably doesn’t want to anymore, and frankly, neither do I. The female surprise guest? That one I was pretty much doing for my own personal enjoyment. I guarantee most of you wouldn’t have known, or cared, about that interview. But I’ve always taken a huge interest in stand-up comedy, and had exchanged emails with “Last Comic Standing” winner Iliza Schlesinger through MySpace about doing an interview. She said she’d do it, gave me her managements contact information to set it up, and they said she’s “not available anytime soon”. Really? She doesn’t have 20-30 minutes in her day for a phone interview? She lives in LA and has a car. It’s impossible to never be in your car for less than 30 minutes if you’re driving, well, anywhere. Whatever. Maybe down the line I’ll try again, because I’m still interested in talking to her about her journey, but if I have to keep going through her management company, something tells me it won’t get done.

THE BACHELOR

-According to Jeremy, the show begins filming in Mid-October with Jason and there’s a chance it could still be filmed in Seattle. He’s not sure. Although Jeremy is very close with Jason, I’m not really interested in finding out a lot before the season airs. It would probably skew what I write if I already know whats happened, and that’d be unfair to a lot of you who don’t want to know ahead of time which girls go far, and who he picks, etc. So I will try to go into this season knowing as little as possible. At least that’s the plan I have now. That could change as we get closer.

-I recently was exchanging emails with former “Bachelor: Paris” contestant Lisa and the subject of this upcoming season with Jason came up. I think the casting for this season is going to be interesting considering that every girl applying knows, or should know, who the Bachelor is going to be: Jason. And that Jason has a kid. But something tells me ABC is not going to cast 25 women who are all interested in being a step mom. There’s no way all 25 women they cast are going to be 100% behind him having a kid. Then there’d be no drama. I’m sure some girls will have lied in the casting interviews and been all, “Oh, I love kids. I can’t wait to have them. Ty is so cute. It doesn’t bother me at all.” Then you just KNOW, at some point during this season, we’re gonna hear something along these lines, “I thought I was ok with him having a kid, but I realize I’m not ready.” Count on it.

-And once again, the geographical aspect of this show is going to come into play, probably more so than in seasons past. Jason lives in Seattle and has a kid. So just like with DeAnna, can we honestly expect whoever Jason chooses that he’s gonna move to where she lives? No. Meaning that not only will the 25 girls that they cast have to be ok with being a step mom immediately, they also must be willing to move to Seattle. That’s asking a lot. So lets see how the season plays out, but, I think it’s gonna be real tough for him to find someone that, at least, doesn’t live on the west coast. Hey, maybe I’m wrong, and he’ll choose some chick from Maine, who’ll move all the way to the other side of the U.S. for him, but I doubt it.

-Which brings us back to the dilemma that this show constantly faces. Here’s where ABC has a problem: If you really, truly wanted this show to be about two people falling in love and getting married after six weeks, your best option would be to cast all 25 women from the city that the Bachelor currently lives in. Or within a few hundred miles at least. At least then, you’re not asking someone to make a career changing decision based on someone they met six weeks ago. Can long distance relationships work? Sure, it’s happened. And it will happen in the future. But on this show, in this format, it hasn’t and it seems a little more difficult. On the flip side, casting 25 women who all live next to him wouldn’t bring much diversity to the show, and I think people would get bored, if they aren’t already. So that’s where the show stands, trying to create enough diversity and intrigue to keep people watching, even though they’ve been a failure for 12 consecutive seasons. Or maybe 11.

-The latest issue of “US Weekly” had a story that Charlie O’Connell and Sarah Brice are getting back together. And of course, if its in “US Weekly”, then it must be true. That magazine has never been wrong. About anything. Totally, 100% accurate with numerous sources to back them up, even though their sources never have names. Ever notice that? Take for example last week’s edition. Just go to any story. Here I’m pulling from the article, “John Mayer Misses His Ex”. Obviously a story about John Mayer apparently still having a hard on for Jennifer Aniston. Here’s a quote: “He won’t shut up about Jen”, a source tells Hot Stuff. “He talks about her all the time.” Ok, so who’s the source? Hell, if I’m the author who wrote this column, I could’ve said that. I can’t believe that’s considered journalism in 2008. It doesn’t stop there. Here’s another: “John’s been putting everything that happened into his songs”, says a second source close to Mayer. Really? Does “second source” have a name? Or is “second source” written on their birth certificate? Pretty amazing how that magazine gets away with that constantly on a weekly basis. And that story was about as tame as you can get. So John Mayer still thinks about Jennifer Aniston? Big deal. They pull that “a source says” crap when telling us that Brangelina hate each other and want to split up. I’ve never understood how those mags don’t get sued on a weekly basis. Yet if that thing isn’t sitting in my mailbox on Friday afternoons, here I am feeling like my weekend is ruined. I have problems.

-And really “US Weekly”, do I need a 30-page special this past week on womens fashion? C’mon. I’m supposed to care about what LC, Taylor Swift, and Hilary Duff think about the clothes they wear? Nauseating. How about 30 extra pages on Kate Walsh getting dressed in the morning? Or maybe tell me more stories about how Jennifer Love Hewitt blasts the media for wanting every actress to be skinny, only to go out and lose 18 lbs in 6 weeks. You know, because she wanted to and not because she felt pressured at all. Hey Jennifer, I don’t care how or why you lost the weight, just be glad you did. Your new nickname was about to become “muffin top”. Its amazing how quickly I get through an issue of “US Weekly”. Usually takes me no more than 5 minutes considering I never read any of the stories. I just like looking at the pictures and making fun of the people I think are ugly. Sorry. Can’t help it. Just some people weren’t meant to have their picture taken and put in magazines every week. I’m talking to you, Cameron Diaz. Have Cameron Diaz and The Joker ever been seen in the same room at the same time? Didn’t think so.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

-Still fascinated by this show, which is amazing, because at the beginning of every season, I find myself asking this question, “Why should I care about any of these C-list celebrities?” Then by the end, I’m usually rooting for a couple. Weird dynamic. I guess I like seeing people take chances and do something that they’re not accustomed to doing. So I can respect the ones who are at least putting out an effort, even if they can’t dance. Take Rocco DiSpirito. You can just tell he has no rhythm, but, the guy is likable, tries to get better every week, and is genuinely excited when he advances. Sure, guys like Lance Bass who have a dance background, it comes more natural to them. But who wants to root for the favorite? Especially in a competition like this, where, if you have any dance background whatsoever, it automatically makes you a favorite.

-Which brings me to our junk-in-the-trunk friend, Kim Kardashian. I’m pretty shocked she’s already gone. Granted, most of America already hates her because she’s famous for, well, nothing. Do you realize that the only reason anyone knows who she is is because of a sex tape and the fact her father read OJ’s “suicide” letter to the media while OJ was headed down the 405 in a white Bronco? What else has she done? Nothing, other than having an ass that you could bounce quarters off of. And you talk about the wonders of make up. Kim Kardashian is about as average looking you can get without make up on. But when she is fully decked out, and has caked on all the make up, she’s one of the more attractive women out there. I just can’t get past the fact that she made one of the dirtier sex tapes around with Brandy’s brother, yet no one seems to bring that up anymore. Which is why I find this, “I’m so shy and reserved” persona all very puzzling.

-Cloris Leachman needs to shut the hell up. Look, I understand she’s 82 and any 82 year old woman even trying to compete in this competition should be applauded, but enoughs enough already. We get it. She’s basically a cartoon right now. She has no chance of winning, her dancing is terrible, and even the comedic relief she’s trying to provide is wearing out its welcome. Thanks for playing, now go home you old bag. And quit interrupting people when they’re trying to talk to you. Seriously, that’s supposed to be funny? Since I’m always watching this show on TiVo, I can honestly say, I’ve never watched her dance for more that 15 or 20 seconds before fast forwarding through it.

-Nice to hear that apparently behind the scenes, Warren Sapp is the biggest diva on the show. Rumors of him chewing out the production staff, walking out on rehearsals with his partner, and screaming down people the day of the show. Then of course the cameras come on, and he acts like a big teddy bear to get votes. Perception vs Reality. Having been a football fan my whole life, I can say I’ve never been a fan of his. Another guy who’s out promoting himself and is all about “me”. Man, you’re an idiot for even raising a voice to that hot piece of a partner you have. Yikes. Have you noticed that Kym Johnson has added a little something to her chest region this season? Yeah, they’re bigger. And better. I don’t remember her being that chesty when she was dancing with Mark Cuban. Something happened in the offseason. I think she paid a visit to Dr. 90210. So maybe I’m overlooking the fact she’s cross eyed. Big deal. I won’t even notice it when she’s…forget it.

-As busty and hot as Kym has become, I can’t say the same for 2-time winner Cheryl Burke. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but ummmmm, well, she’s packed on the lbs. She’s gotta be at least 15-20 lbs heavier than when she won with Drew and Emmitt. Easily. Could be more. Not saying no woman is allowed to add on weight, I’m just pointing it out in case you didn’t notice the four chins she’s rolling with now. As for Edtya, sucks she got paired with the comedian this year. Basically if you get paired with the comedian (Mayne, Carolla, Ross), you’re going home early. Immediately when I saw Edyta this season, something looked different. I almost didn’t notice her. But just pull any tape from last season with Jason Taylor, and watch her two episodes she was on this season. I know you’ve noticed the nose job she had done, didn’t you? Karina had a nose job a couple seasons ago, but she said it was because of “breathing problems”. Uh huh. Sure it was honey. That’s what everyone who gets a nose job says. I don’t buy it. If she wasn’t on TV every week being watched by 21 million viewers and getting photographed by the paparazzi, I’m guessing she could care less about fixing her nose. Hey, if you get a nose job, all the power to you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t tell us you’re getting it because of breathing issues. Tell the truth. You hate your nose and wanted a new one. No one will like you any less. Anyway, Edyta definitely had a job done in case you didn’t notice. That’s why I’m here.

-I guess we’re supposed to find out tonight what’s happening with Misty May. She suffered a pretty serious injury Friday night and might not be able to continue. Reports this weekend said she was definitely quitting the competition to undergo surgery on a torn achilles. Other reports say that’s not the case and her status will be updated tonight. Let me tell you what I know: She’s done. Sucks since she was one of the favorites. Not a bad dancer, and definitely one that you could see improving every week, I just had a hard time watching her dance with every shoulder and arm muscle popping out as she tries to look graceful. I can’t fault a woman for having a ripped body, but in this competition, it works against you. Kinda helps to be curvy and feminine in this show. She’s a tomboy and is built like an MMA fighter. There’s always something awkward about looking at a well built female athlete in a dress and heels. Just doesn’t look right. C’mon, you thought the same thing watching her. I’m not the only one here.

SURVIVOR: GABON

-Why it took them 16 seasons to finally do this show in HD is beyond me. Much, much better. I think from day 1, this has been the most consistent and solid reality show ever. There’s a reason its 17 seasons in and still going strong. Always in the Top 20 shows in America, and always has good drama. The casting is usually well done, the location is usually pretty interesting, and it’s almost impossible not to have drama when you have teammates and friends competing with one another, yet, having to vote each other off. Remember something very important about “Survivor”: This was the very FIRST reality show to introduce the “voting someone off” concept. I think people tend to forget that since numerous shows since then have copied it. But what makes this show so compelling, season in and season out, is that the people you are voting off are ultimately the ones that will have a hand in whether or not you get awarded $1 million. And that always makes for good television. I know Probst says that every season, but I don’t think it actually sinks in with a lot of people. You have to befriend people, and form alliances to stay in the game. Then you ultimately have to lie, deceit, and betray those same people in hopes they vote for you in the end. The show is a great social experiment, if nothing else. And it was the first of its kind. Everyone has ripped off “Survivor” in some way, shape, or form ever since its debuted. Just remember who started it.

-As for Probst, the fact that “Survivor” has been around the longest, and has been the most consistent ratings wise over 17 seasons, is probably the reason he won the Emmy for “Best Reality Show Host”. As he should. It was basically a lifetime achievement award. He was the originator, he was there from the beginning, and lets be honest, he has more to do with his show than any of the other four do. And if you like behind-the-scenes stuff, be sure to check out his blog on EW.com every Friday morning after the episode airs. Really good stuff where he tells you how he feels about certain players and certain situations that we had seen the night before. Good stuff. It’s a must read every Friday if you’re a fan of the show and want to know a little more about what went on.

Well, that’s about half of what I wanted to type. But I promised it’d be up Monday, so here it is. It’s just taking way longer than I thought. By the beginning of next wekk, the full column should be completed. In it, I’ll cover “Gossip Girl”, “90210″, “Fringe”, “24″, “Lost”, “Heroes”, “Friday Night Lights”, a few other newsworthy bits, a Dr. Reality Steve email, and some celebrity quotes. Sorry for the delay. Until then…

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