Since it’s killing me that I’m not able to share the bombshell of a finale the “Bachelor” has coming, and I’m horrible at keeping secrets, I figured to be fair, I’d open it up to the sleuthers out there whose lives seem to revolve around this sort of stuff. Not that I haven’t read all your guesses thus far, but frankly, I want to keep reading more because they’re funny. Especially the one about me using the phrase “asleep at the wheel” in a post this week. Come to find out some nut job writes there’s a band here in Texas called “Asleep at the Wheel,” who has a song about a girl, and they dissected those lyrics looking for clues. Listen, first off, I’ve never heard of that band in my life. Second, I’m not smart enough to come up with something like that. And lastly, I’m sure “Asleep at the Wheel” sucks. No offense.

So, for the next four weeks leading up to the finale, in my Tuesday column, I will be giving a clue out regarding the finale. Could be a clue about a person. Could be about a place. Could be about a thing. Could be about anything for that matter (Hey, I didn’t say this was going to be easy). The clues will be short, difficult, and probably never figured out. But hey, knock yourself out trying. Don’t bother playing 20 questions with me after I give the clue because it’s not going to help. Take the clue for what it is and go to town. And hey, the clue might only lead you to a small piece of the puzzle. The finale is going to be a big deal after it airs.

Last thing I will say this regarding this exclusive “Bachelor” news. I wouldn’t be surprised if parts of the finale leaked out before it airs. I mean, we are still over a month away and people have plenty of time on their hands. But that doesn’t worry me since there is more to the story than what would possibly get leaked, I can promise you that. So come the Tuesday after the finale airs, gather all your friends and children around the computer that day, come to this site, and you will know EVERYTHING I know. This is going to be a column you don’t want to miss. The doubters are coming in full force, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Have I ever used my site to break news? Not really. Every now and then I tip people off about certain things, but in no way would I ever consider this site your #1 source for spoilers. I was the first site to ever publicly announce Meredith and Ian were broken up, but other than that, I don’t claim to know any more than most people. But when I get hold of news this big regarding this season, I figured I’d let people know. Honestly, I have no reason to lie. I gain nothing from leading you on for the next month only to disappoint. All of what I know will be revealed the morning after the finale airs. At that point, you still may choose not to believe what I know. And that’s fine. But after giving you a heads up a month ahead of time about something pretty major happening, and then that something major DOES happen, I think it’ll add to my credibility, and you’ll probably wanna hear me out. I’ve already starting writing it as we speak.

But until then, let’s have a little fun. Your first clue is upcoming in Tuesday’s column. Good luck. See you then.

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

Needless to say, the response to yesterdays news has everyone in a tizzy. As I expected. Look, I expect people to doubt me. I expect people to think I’m doing this for publicity. I expect people to say that I don’t know anything, or that ABC is paying me to divert people’s attention. I’ve heard it all these last 24 hours. All I can tell you is you’re wrong. Let everything play itself out, watch the finale, be shocked at what you see, and just remember who warned you ahead of time. That’s all I’m getting at. Don’t hate the player, hate the game (I’ve always wanted to use that phrase).

I love the message boarders who say I don’t know anything, and that they studied the screencaps so they know what happened, and that this persons arm has a freckle here and here, so that means this, and that means that. And the pinky ring is the key to everything. I love it all. Keep it coming. Especially the FORT boarders whose panties are completely in a bunch now since I’m privy to information that they aren’t. Serves them right. Keep it coming guys. Keep doubting me. I said it yesterday, and I’ll say it again. Not everything is as seems. Kinda like on “Heroes – Season 1″, the theme was “Save the cheerleader, save the world.” Well, not like this has been news to people who have watched this show religiously, but its definitely more pertinent this season – not everything is as seems. Read into that what you will. What I wrote yesterday in the exclusive was very carefully worded as to not give anything away.

Maybe when this is all over some of you won’t be shocked. But I doubt it. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. But, I would not put my reputation on the line to just string people along for something silly. Believe me when I tell you when the finale airs, people will be talking about it for a while.

Can I be anymore vague? Probably not. So enjoy the rest of the season, keep the guesses coming, check back every Tuesday for the latest Bachelor column, and hopefully you’ll continue to enjoy Realitysteve.com.

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

I’ve never been one to ever spoil anything upcoming on the “Bachelor”, and I’m not about to start doing it either. But I just wanted to remind everyone to remember this date of January 27th, a good month before the finale airs. Just when you think ABC fell asleep at the wheel, and just when the message boarders thought they had this season figured out by dissecting pictures, and freeze framing shots, and looking at pinky rings, and freckles, etc. Just when everyone and their mothers thought they knew what was going on this season on the “Bachelor”, ABC decided to grow a brain and pull a fast one. All I will say is this: Not everything is as seems, and just when you think you know, you don’t know. DO NOT believe everything you see or read. You’re gonna have to think on this one. So when the finale airs, and your jaw hits the floor, just remember Reality Steve warned you ahead of time. Deal?

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

-In case you haven’t been to the site since last Tuesdays column, you’ll see that on Wednesday of last week, I beat “People” magazine to the punch and posted exclusive pictures from the Bachelor Breckenridge trip taken a couple of weeks ago. Pictures of Jesse and Holly together, Jeremy and his new girlfriend, along with a couple group photos. “People” magazine thought they would break the news to everyone, when in reality, I broke it a day earlier. Even though I had the story and pics a week earlier, but that column got deleted into cyberspace by the stupid hotel computer. So check that out when you’re done with this weeks column.

-Next order of business is, who else, but DeAnna. Whose fifteen minutes apparently aren’t up yet. She’s now currently dating Ace from the “Real World.” Wow. Those two are like oil and water. She’ll walk all over him. Whatever. I give that two months once she realizes he can’t advance her career either. Here she did another interview promoting her appearance later this season on the “Bachelor” and plugged her lame wedding show. Have I seen it? Of course not. I just know its lame. Call it “male intuition.” It goes like this: Its about weddings, DeAnnas a co-host, so it sucks. There. Pretty simple. Here’s a link to the interview:

DeAnna Interview

This is my favorite part. When asked about giving her side of the story over the breakup with Jesse: “Life moves on. He’s in another relationship. It’s been three months now and I’m pretty much over dealing with the breakup. Everyone handles it differently and sometimes when people are hurt and mad, they say things they didn’t mean. Hopefully one day people will be sorry for the false accusations and mean things that they have said, often on the Internet. Although I did choose to put myself out there on national TV, there are things I believe should be kept private and out of respect for me and Jesse. We realized that we were two totally different people who wanted totally different things and we lived our lives in totally different ways and it was never gonna work. I loved him sincerely, but it would not have worked in the long run.”

Kind of a different tune she’s singing now, isn’t it? Once the show ended and they were making the rounds as a couple, this chick wouldn’t shut up over how in love they were, and he was perfect for her, and she’d found her soulmate, etc. Their finale aired in July. They broke up in October. So in three months you went from “I’ve met my soulmate. I can’t wait to marry this man” to “we’re two totally different people, who wanted totally different things, and we lived our lives in totally different ways?” This chick is a head case. Uh, no thanks. And I really can’t wait for the day when it comes out as to why you REALLY broke up with Jesse. I think then, whatever fans she does have left, would probably jump ship as well. Good riddance. Enjoy life in Atlanta with Ace. Yeah, I’m sure that relationship has got marriage written all over it.

-Since joining Facebook, like most of you, I’ve reconnected with a lot of people from my past. I mean, I’m talking about people from waaaaaay back in the day. So once all these old names started popping back up, it led me to break out my high school yearbook to remember some of these people. What occurred next was quite disturbing and I learned something about myself. I always knew I was a little bit different. A little odd. Kinda quirky. Well, apparently that extended all the way back to high school. I copied a few notes that were written in my junior year yearbook to share with everyone. I’m sure you’ll all enjoy these. Probably explains a lot.

“Well, this year in Spanish with you has been very interesting. One thing that I can say about you is that you’re weird. Hope you have a great summer.” Jennifer

Ummmmm, thanks Jennifer? Gee, thanks for sending me off into the summer with such high self-esteem. But she was hot, so, I guess I should’ve been glad she wrote me anything.

“Dear Steven, I’m sorry to have to tell you that I’m moving to Zimbabwe this summer and I’m NEVER coming back! Just joking. You have really kept me laughing this year in Espanol, even the disgusting kisses and comments were funny. However, don’t think for a SECOND that just because I’m not being mean in this note that I would consider going out with you. If you ever find out where I live, just pretend you never did find out and don’t come over. Well, you already have my phone number, so go home and burn it. You are an interesting, funny guy and even though you put me through hell, I’m glad I got to know you. Maybe over the summer you will find your dream girl and forget about me.” Lori

I mean, wow. So apparently I was a stalker in high school too. Hmmm, interesting. No, Lori and I never went out. Can’t imagine why? Disgusting kisses? Exactly what was I doing in that class? Something tells me therapy might’ve helped in high school after reading these.

“Steve, So are you going to get Lori or not? I want to see you and Lori hit it off. Literally. Hope you have a great summer and a good basketball season next year. See ya.” Pat

Yeah, Pat. That’s a negative. Kinda hard to score Lori when apparently she put out a restraining order against me.

“It has been a great year and I am glad I got the chance to know you. Just think, if you never came to our cheer competition then you would never know me (how unfortunate), and I would never know you. You’re a great really great guy and very talented too. Whenever I think of “Steve”, I think of all the be bop noises you made in the back of class, man oh man, you are a babbler and a rambler! I’m sure you are excited to see me on the courts cheering for you, and yeah, I guess I’ll like seeing you play too! But, practice hard this summer or I might be too embarrassed to yell your name at a game. But always remember, “There ain’t no team like the Griffin team”, and you’ll always remember the fun we had! Have a great summer.” Heidi

A babbler and a rambler? Now that I can probably agree with. Although, I have no idea what noises I was making in the back of the class. Kind of interesting to see peoples opinions of me back in 1992. Pretty much the same as they are now. I guess I’m quite a guy. And on that note, lets begin.

-Host Chris is very metro’ed out today. He’s dressed in his designer jeans, t-shirt, and jacket. Definitely headed for a night out on Sunset after he’s finished reading his cue cards. This week there’ll be a 2-on-1 date, a 1-on-1 date, and a group date. Each girl will have to create a love song in the next thirty minutes to sing to Jason, and whoever he chooses will win the 1-on-1 date. Basically the same exact thing they did last season when Jesse’s horrible song won DeAnna over. So points for originality, ABC. You’re the best. Strategy became a big part of this challenge. Do they go for humor, seriousness, or a little of both? You want to know Nikki’s strategy? A full on, complete and utter meltdown. Holy crap! She had no idea what to do. “I’m a control freak. I can’t sing. I’m terrified of singing. I’d rather jump out of a plane. I don’t know what to do. I hate singing. I can’t sing. These girls are all better than me.” On and on and on it went. Nikki was a complete wreck for two hours straight. This was just the beginning. I think after this she washed her hands ten times in a row. Then wiped off on the towel ten times. Then opened and closed the door ten times. Yeah, she seems a little OCD.

-So let’s get to these brilliant songs. First up is Molly. Here goes nothing:

“Jason, you give me butterflies, as much of thinking of fast food makes me wanna cry.
I want a 1-on-1 date, like nuggets and French fries we could be perfect soulmates.
Jason, repeat after me, Molly you are the best one of the sea?”

I don’t know what “best one of the sea” meant whatsoever. A little out there with the McD’s references too until I read Host Chris’ Blog. Molly is apparently infatuated with McDonalds and begged the producers the whole time she was there to get her some. They finally did at some point so Ronald McMolly was happy. And by the way, the fact that Molly loves McDonalds makes her my favorite now on this show. She’s cute, she plays golf, she likes McDonalds, and she likes making out. Hey, that’s 4-for-4 in my book. So, ummm Molly, holla at your boy Reality Steve sometime. I’d totally let you super size your meal with me.

-Shannon the Unstable was up next. Or as she likes to call herself, “Sha-nay-nay.” That’s her rapper name apparently. Uh, ok. I would’ve gone with DJ Mutha F**kin Crazy A** B**ch, but that’s just me. Here’s her dribble:

“Jason, you’re so hot. Your body is flamin’, your hips are swayin’.
I look into your eyes and my heart starts bangin’. I see a love connection. Baby, I wanna show you my 1-on-1 affection.

Chorus:
Hey, I’m a crazy b**ch (Repeat 10 times)

I would write the chorus to Buckcherry’s “Crazy B**ch”, but it doesn’t really fit the description of Shannon (Just google “Buckcherry Crazy B**tch”. It’s the first link. Yeah, I don’t quite think of Shannon when reading those lyrics). Let’s just say Sha-nay-nay doesn’t have much of a future in the rap industry. I don’t think Lil’ Kim is worried about being replaced by the small white chick with giant teeth who cries a lot. And who’s crazy.

-We didn’t get to see a lot of Melissa’s. Something about oysters, hot sauce and watery eyes. Sounds kinda kinky actually. Jillian went for the slutty approach. Stood up on the table, went with the short red dress and the high boots. Talked about looking for an andventure. Oh, I bet she was. That moose hunter sure knows how to party. I’m guessing her adventure consisted of grabbin a couple Rolling Rocks, putting on that orange jump suit and hunting deer. That’s what it’s all a-BOAT. We got one line from Megans song: “We might be baby makin’, I’m sure I won’t be fakin’.” Geez, a little too much information there, maybe? Do we really need to know whether or not you plan on faking your orgasms? Geez. Seems like a bit much. And speaking of that, if it was something you were even contemplating doing, then I’m glad Jason dumped you. We don’t fake it, so neither should you. That’s my motto.

-Stephanie broke out into opera because, well, I don’t know. That’s her and she did. Lauren turned into Britney Spears. Now, for those who don’t know, Lauren is a former pageant queen who is very much into music. She actually writes her own songs and wants to be in the industry someday. Although, she tried way too hard on the singing. Granted, the song she wrote was light years better than anyone elses. Actually rhymed, had a beat to it, etc. She just thought it should be a Top 40 hit tomorrow. Sorry honey. But good try.

“Lying here. All alone. Wondering if I should go home. But when I see your face, it falls into place. And I know, I wanna know you more. Cuz it’s a leap of faith, we all should take. It’s a leap of faith, that I will make. Hit me baby one more time. I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” Or something like that.

-Finally, Nikki got the ta-ta’s to get up there and sing from her chest. But she warned Jason beforehand, this is very out of her element. And that the song wasn’t about love. Nor was it for him. It’s a song she’d sing to her kid, if she ever had one. Oh boy. This is gonna go over well.

“Goodnight my little one. Sleep until dawn has begun. I hope your dreams are full of fun. I’ll love you always little one.”

Good job? I don’t know what that was. You’re supposed to sing a love song to Jason. You sang a lullabye to a baby that you don’t have. Don’t really know what you were expecting with that, but it sure couldn’t have been a rose. Nikki is a mess tonight. First the OCD, now this horrible song. And it only gets worse.

-Oh yeah, so Jason gave Molly the rose for the 1-on-1 date. Guess he likes Happy Meals or something. Their date is time alone at his place, followed by a little camping outside. Probably the most average 1-on-1 date this show has had since Charlie O’Connell’s season. As these two walk out to the backyard to make whoopee in the tent set up, we see Molly in Jason’s clothing: basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Ummm, is there a reason we didn’t get to see exactly how she ended up in this? I think that might’ve been quite interesting. Really, nothing exciting happened on this date. She told him he had all the qualities she saw in her future husband (of course she did. What else is she gonna say?), she made it quite clear she was falling for him, and they made out. Then went into the tent, zipped it up, she dealt with his pitched tent, he told her she had soft skin, and they moaned and groaned while their mikes were still on. Outstanding. Brings me back to the days of “Joe Millionaire” when Sara was orally pleasing Evan in the woods with the cameras and mikes rolling.

-McMolly and Jasons date ended up being overnight and she returned the next morning in his clothes. Do you know what one of the first things I looked for on Shannon was since she was in his shorts? Kankles. Nope. She didn’t have any. That’s 5-for-5. She’s slowly moving into my Top 5 favorite Bachelorettes ever. I think it’s pretty impossible to crack my Top 3, but she can sure try. So while all the other girls are jealous the Hamburglar ended up with an overnight date (I believe that’s the first time in this shows history that an overnight date happened before the final three), the group date is about to begin. Shannon the Wacko, Lauren Spears, Melissa’s FF’s, Naomi’s underbite, Jillian the hot dog vendor, and Megan, the one who abandoned her 15 month old son for the show, are all headed to the set of “General Hospital.” That crap is still on? Really? Is Luke still around? What about Rick Springfield? Is his wrinkled corpse still showing up on occasion? Hey, just let me know if Jack Wagner starts appearing again. Then I’ll watch.

-Basically the girls get to show off their acting chops on this date. And they get to make out. Well, most of them. Immediately, two bad actors from the show gather the group together and ask for a volunteer for kissing Jason. I think Shannon was already in front of him before they finished the sentence. They tell her before she jams her tongue down his throat that there’s no tongue allowed. That’s a filming rule? What? Since when? Is it just for TV? Or daytime soaps? I could’ve sworn I’ve seen plenty of tongue on TV dramas. All those whores on “Sex and the City” made out with their boyfriends. What about the other chick shows like “Greys” and “Private Practice?” Aren’t tongues flying out on those shows as well? Maybe I haven’t been paying attention. You can bet I will be now. Whatever the case, Shannon gets to kiss him and loved every second of it. And while she told us this, she had a knife in her hands. I feared for everyone’s life on the show during that scene. I think she’s convinced she just kissed her future husband. And the rest of us are convinced she didn’t.

-The first scene is up with Naomi as the naughty maid with the underbite, and Lauren as, well, I didn’t really understand her role in all this other than flubbing her lines a 1,000 times, which led to Naomi getting make out with Jason 1,001 times. Nice going, sweetheart. Hey, if you don’t want Jason kissing Naomi in every scene, you might want to get your lines right. Well, she didn’t, Jason and Naomi got suctioned at the tongue, and Lauren never got any action. Pretty much a sign of things to come for her. Meanwhile, the other four women not in the scene had to watch that from the side and become increasingly jealous. One girl who pretty much dominated the screen last night was Melissa. I think the camera went running to her essentially in every scene to get her view on things. She pretty much made it known last night that seeing Jason swallow everyone elses face assured her that she’s starting to have real feelings for him. As opposed to fake feelings created just for TV sake. For a girl who didn’t get a 1-on-1 date and barely was part of the group date, they showed A LOT of Melissa last night. A LOT. Make of that what you want. I sure did.

-Back at the mansion, Nikkis day is getting worse by the minute. First, she already admitted she doesn’t want to go on the 2-on-1 with Stephanie because she knows she’ll lose. And now its time for her to throw a pity party for herself. “I should’ve been married and should’ve had a kid by now.” Gee, doesn’t sound like she’s harboring much resentment toward her 11-year ex-boyfriend, does it? Nahhhh. This chick is a walking ball of misery, right now. Does she smile? Ever? Talk about Debbie Downer. Nikki is playing the role beautifully. I half expect her to tell a story about feline AIDS on her next date. Speaking of Debbie Downer, as I’ve mentioned numerous times before, I think I’ve probably seen every “Saturday Night Live” for the past 15 years, and for as horrible an actress as she is, Lindsay Lohan sure has been in some memorable SNL skits. Obviously, the Harry Potter one being tops. But the Debbie Downer one at Disneyworld is an all-timer considering the whole cast couldn’t stop laughing during the skit. Then there was the Debbie Downer skit at the strip club for the bachelorette party. And her monologue the 2nd time she hosted where they made fun of her. Yes, I remember all these things. I can’t remember where I ate lunch on Saturday, but I can recite SNL skits from 5 years ago. I’m weird. Just like “Jen” from high school told me I was 17 years ago.

-The last scene had Megan playing a seductress, so her kiss with Jason ended up being more like a tongue raping. She apparently got into character real well and made her kiss way more passionate than anyone elses. And I could’ve swore I saw tongue being used. Megan: “It’s been a really long time since I kissed someone.” Sure it has, honey. I love all the innocence these girls are claiming. It’s like this whole season is filled with charter members of the V-club. Is it really necessary to cast Bachelorettes who haven’t gotten to 2nd base in years? This is disheartening. Where are the days of the true sluts like Trish, or Kirsten, or anyone from Andy Baldwins season? Ha ha. Kidding. Had to give a little shout out there. First public shout out ever in my column. Sorry ladies.

-So after a day of groping and tonguing a bunch of women on the “General Hospital” set, its time to head to a Hollywood hotel for a “wrap” party. It sure looked like one except for one minor detail. They were the only ones there. So it was basically like any other group date at night. Drinks, sitting around gossiping, and crying women. Naomi is distraught apparently since, well, her tongue hasn’t been in Jason since earlier in the day. I guess she needs his saliva to breathe or something. So of course, she goes and sits by herself to draw attention. Jason comes over, readjusts her jaw line, and tells her everything is ok. Uh oh. Naomi is turning into the “I see you have connections with other girls and it makes me sad” girl. Jasons response: “We’ll be in each others lives for a long time.” Well, at least another couple episodes. If that’s considered a long time, then have at it you two.

-Megans turn to corner Jason. She tells him she’s the only girl that isn’t sad that night. She’s enjoying herself, she’s having fun, she’s with a great guy, and DAMMIT, WHY WON’T YOU KISS ME? She couldn’t have made it any more obvious she wanted Jason to kiss her, Jason couldn’t have made it more obvious he knew she wanted him to kiss her, yet he just gave her a hug. I will give Jason credit this episode for not being a whore. I don’t count any of the kisses on the “General Hospital” set because those were forced on him. Do you realize that on this group date, and the final cocktail party, Jason didn’t make out with anyone he didn’t keep around? Lauren doesn’t count because it was obvious he didn’t want to and she grabbed his head and forced him to. Obviously, if he stops her, then she knows she’s going home, so he had to let it play out. Didn’t kiss Megan here, didn’t kiss Shannon, and Lauren doesn’t count. Yet, he made sure he kissed Jillian, Melissa, Molly, and Naomi. What a gentleman. Ladies, for all the whining and bitching that’s been done over the years for previous Bachelors who would make with anyone just because they could, you should applaud Jason for last nights show. And you know the most ironic thing? The consensus that I’m getting is that people are bored with him and this season. See, you can never win. They bitch when the Bachelor is a player and the relationship falls apart, then when they actually cast an honest, decent guy who isn’t interested in being in Hollywood someday, they call it boring. See? Nice never wins, I tell ya’.

-Lauren immediately asks Jason when they sit down, “Why did you keep Megan? You like her? Really?” Oh yeah, that’s the way to win a guy over. You could pretty much see the look on his face he was pretty much disgusted with her at this point. Then she followed it up with, “You HAVE to give me a rose tonight.” Yes, ma’am. Whatever you say. Is Lauren producing the show now? Is she coming up with date ideas and scripting out Host Chris’ lines? I think Lauren is very attractive and definitely says what’s on her mind, but she also has an awfully high opinion of herself. Like, I think she thinks it’s a one horse race right now and she’s way out ahead of the rest of the field, when in reality, she’s Barbaro right about now. Sorry to make a dead horse reference, but it had to be done. There wasn’t a chance in hell she was getting a rose tonight no matter what she did. I don’t even think a last ditch BJ at the final cocktail party could’ve done it. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course it would’ve. That usually solves most problems.

-Melissa is now up to cry her eyes out to Jason. She tells him that whole experience is real for her now after seeing him with the other girls, she doesn’t know why she’s crying, and she wishes she had her 28FF’s back. Melissa: “I’ve only been unlucky in love. I’ve been the one that gets heartbroken.” Whoa. Wait a second. Melissa is the one who told us earlier this season that she was in a relationship when she was fifteen until she was twenty-two. Then on her first date with Jason, she told him it’s the first date she’s been on in three years. So, ummmm, how are you “always unlucky in love?” Liar. I guess she felt it necessary to play the sympathy card. Unless from the ages of 10-14, Melissa was a serial dater and getting dumped left and right because guys were intimidated by her giant beach balls she carried around, sounds like Melissa fibbed a little bit there. And it worked. Jason placed his tongue firmly in her mouth and rolled it around.

-Next up? Shannon the Freak Show. This was just uncomfortable to watch. First, she shows up bawling immediately. And I mean BAWLING. She’s so distraught, and crying so much, she’s basically turned into one giant snot bubble. This was her speech. Well, most of what I could write down. It was such a rambling mess, and I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t get everything.

“My friends and family told me I’d be so perfect for this show. They told me I have the best personality, and that the show is perfect for me. You can’t let me go. I have so much to offer you. I’m not letting you let me go. You have to believe in me right now. I want to be a mother. I want to meet Ty. I want you to come home with me.”

It was at this point ABC should’ve played the “Friday the 13th” music in the background because this was officially getting scary. So after blabbering on about that, all the while building up more snot, she blows her nose and wipes it right before wanting a kiss. Ummm, let me tell you something. Other than when you wake up in the morning with no make up on, hair disheveled, and we both have morning breath, I think the only other least attractive time where we don’t want to kiss you is after you blow your nose in our face. “I feel like my kiss was rejected.” That’s because it was, sweetie. He wanted no part of your leftover mucus. Hey, I’m not saying that some guys won’t kiss in the morning, but it’s certainly something we’d rather hold off on. Hey, you come here for honesty, right? And oh yeah, Naomi got the rose since I guess she cried the most.

-Time for the most painful 2-on-1 date ever. Jason dressed up like the limo driver yet again to pick up Stephanie and Nikki. Stephanie went with the gold dress that accentuated her chest region and took a shower in glitter apparently. Nikki, shockingly enough, wore a black dress which didn’t focus on her assets whatsoever. Strike one. And here’s something that really caught my eye last night. I guess its been somewhat apparent in previous episodes, but last night really stuck out to me. Nikki’s sideburns. Holy crap. I understand women when they let their hair down, sometimes you have a little sideburn action. Not Nikki. She looked like Brandon Walsh with the thickness of them and how perfectly shaped they were. Very weird. I don’t really think I’ve seen that look before. Strike two. Nikki Priestley is gonna have to come from behind tonight.

-So Debra the dance teacher decides to teach these two the waltz. Jason basically has two left feet, Priestley is freaking out again because she has to do something she’s totally uncomfortable doing, and Stephanie has taught ballet her whole life. Pretty much Strike Three right there. So each gets their turn to waltz with Jason and lets just say Jason and Nikki won’t be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars” next season. Although, Donnie Osmond will. I guess he spilled the beans on a talk show yesterday when he wasn’t supposed to. I wonder if he’ll faint like his sister did. Although, his giant pearly whites might make his partner faint if he smiles too much. Easy on the veneers, Donnie. You look like Jim Carrey in the “Mask”.

-Over dinner, Jason asks either of them if it’d be difficult for them to move to Seattle. And of course, both of them say, “Yeah, sure, no problem. I’ve got nothing keeping me where I am. I’d move in heartbeat.” Stephanie not taking into consideration uprooting a 4 year old and bringing her halfway across the U.S. And Priestley selfishly not thinking at all what her breasts have to say about this. I think she needs to run all important, life altering decisions by them. Jason pulls Priestley (hey, I said Jason Priestley) away from the table to find out more about her 11 year relationship. She tells him she was in a relationship from when she was 17 until she was 28. Her boyfriend woke up one morning, grabbed her hooters one last time, and told her he loved her but didn’t want to marry her. And that was the end of that. Strike Four. This has just been a rough night all around for Priestley. She can’t dance, her boobs are a non-factor tonight, she had to re-live the ex-boyfriend that she’s still pissed didn’t marry her and give her children. Brutal. So yeah, Stephanie got the rose.

-Priestley is shocked she’s going home. That makes one of us. “I never saw it coming. I don’t know how much smarter I can get, or prettier I could get. It’s just not good enough. I do everything right, yet I’m always rejected.” Wait, huh? You were just in an 11 year relationship, and said you hadn’t had any real serious dates since then, so how are you “always the one rejected?” Another liar. What’s with these chicks this season? All presidents of the V-club, and all lying about past men they’ve bedded. They should all have to take a polygraph test before coming on the show. First question: Are you a virgin? If the answer is yes, their application is immediately thrown away. Second question: Have you slept with less than five men? Another yes, and their application gets put into the pile of “If we’re really desperate and running out of time. And if our Bachelor is a weenie.”

-During the final cocktail party, it’s the last ditch effort for a few of these chicks, and this is where Jason makes his stand. Naomi, Stephanie, and Molly are safe, and he makes out with Melissa and Jillian. Megan tries to convince him she’s best suited for him. He’s not buying any of it. So he asks her to waltz for some unknown reason. Are you Maksim now? Dude, you’re terrible. Quit dancing. I guess that was his way of avoiding sitting face to face with her and begging him to kiss her. So maybe it was a smart move. I take it back. Shannon tried her hardest to get another kiss out of him. Nope. Surprised she didn’t show up with a bloody nose or something. Then Lauren basically forces him to kiss her after she was pissed she didn’t listen to her demands from the group date. You know, the one where she TOLD him to give her a rose. Jason: “You didn’t ask me, you told me.” Lauren: “C’mon, you so want to kiss me. Let’s get it over with.” Awww, how romantic. Can’t imagine why he didn’t want to keep you around.

-Rose ceremony time. Jason actually has something to say this week. “It’s been another amazing week. Getting to know all of you has been better than I imagined. Thank you for everything. This decision couldn’t possibly be any easier considering I don’t even like three of you.”

Melissa: Her reduced breasts are much more relieved now.
Jillian: Barely saw her this episode. Still has a hot dog fetish I’m sure. Hey, that’s a good thing.

“Ladies, Jason. This is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready.”
Jason: “Hey Chris, get your ass back here. I’m done. Take this rose and burn it. None of these three is remotely what I’m looking for. Megan is Negative Nelly, Lauren is a diva, and Shannon is a nut job. I’ll take my chances with these five.”

-I was kinda surprised that last week, and even during the commercial breaks this week, they were showing Jason at the Rose ceremony saying, “I can’t do this. I can’t give this rose out.” Kind of gave away the suspense when he had three ladies left and one rose to give, didn’t it? Was anyone surprised by that ending? I sure wasn’t. Oh wait, Lauren was. “I didn’t think it was fair that he changed up the rules and didn’t give out the last rose.” Oh, ok. So you’d rather him just give you one out of pity, then just boot you to the curb next week? I guess you weren’t a fan of Brad’s season then. Lauren, I think its time to going back and writing love songs, buying more loopy earrings, and being the best Britney wannabe that you can be. Good luck with that.

-Well, you figured we’d get a Shannon meltdown after she got dumped, but actually handled herself quite well. Although, she did deliver the line of the season afterwards: “I’m gonna go home to my electric toothbrush and French kiss my dog.” Ummm, ok? The funny thing is, after everything we’ve seen of Shannon this season, it’s almost like I expected something like that to come out of her mouth. Electric toothbrush. French kiss the dog. I mean, WOW. She is a doozy, I tell ya’. What an electric toothbrush has to do with anything other than her being a dental hygienist, I have no idea. Probably the most random statement ever uttered by anyone after getting dumped.

-That’s it for this week. Hope you enjoyed a column that took me close to four and a half hours to write. Granted, I had some distractions. But it still took me a lifetime. The “I Love Reality Steve” group is still going strong. Over 400 members now. Doesn’t look like we’ll get to a 1,000, but we can sure try. So tell anyone and everyone about it, and you’ll realize how inherently cool you are for doing it. Also added a few pictures up on my Facebook page. Some family stuff, but since I hadn’t added anything in a while, I figured I would. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

So “People” magazine is a day late and a dollar short. As first reported here on Realitysteve.com yesterday, there was a “Bachelor”-type reunion a couple weekends ago in Breckenridge, Colorado with former bachelors from DeAnna’s season. People magazine decided to run their “scoop” today about how Jesse is currently “involved” with Holly Durst, from Matt Grants season of the “Bachelor: London Calling.” Here’s the story they’re currently running:

“The Bachelorettes’ Jesse Csincsak Hits the Slopes With a New Gal Pal”

Well, Reality Steve will do you one better “People”. So not only did I tell you about Jesse and Holly yesterday (It actually would’ve been in last weeks column before getting deleted), I’ve got a few more exclusive pics from that weekend event. Just remember who tells you things first. We do. All one of us here at Realitysteve.com. I will now go pat myself on the back even more.

Breckenridge photos

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason, The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-Feels really weird that I didn’t write a column last week. Do you realize that this was the first time since Andrew Firestone’s season started, which covers Bachelor seasons 3-12 and all four Bachelorettes, that I did not have a column up the next day? I felt naked all week. Seriously. It was a very surreal feeling. Like I accomplished nothing all week. Yes, that’s what my life has become. Great. As I mentioned, I was in New Orleans last week so that was the main cause for the problems. I used the hotel computer, and rather than typing the column on Microsoft Word like I usually do, I decided to type the whole column on the page that actually uploads it to the site. Well, they have a “save and continue editing” button that I would click every paragraph so I wouldn’t lose any work. However, one time after I clicked it, the page froze, I had to close out of all windows, and when everything had started up again, my draft only had saved the first few paragraphs. Even though I had clicked “save and continue editing” numerous times while typing up the column. I can’t explain it either.

-I guess I should’ve known immediately that something bad would happen on the trip. It all stemmed from taking a shuttle from the airport to the hotel on Sunday. You see, when you take a shuttle, you are subjected to sitting next to strangers, something I loathe doing. And when on a shuttle, the chances of everyone going to the same place are one in a million I think. So, you could get lucky and be the first one dropped off, or you could be ridiculously unlucky and be the last one. Take a wild stab as to when I got dropped off? That’s right. Dead freakin’ last. There were about 15 people on the shuttle, 12 of which were Tulane students heading back to school after winter break. How did I know this before we actually arrived? Well, let me tell you. Because of the giant dork behind me carrying on a conversation with his fellow freshman friend, telling her ALL about his winter break. He saw “Benjamin Button” twice because “he loved it so much”. He really liked “Slumdog Millionaire” and you should “totally go see it.” He also wishes he could spend his winter break and summers in New Orleans “but my parents would kill me if I never came home.” Needless to say, this kid epitomized the nervous, freshman, college kid who’s out of his city for the first time in his life. I could go on and bore you with what else he rambled on about for 30 minutes, but I already suffered through it once. No need for you guys too. And when he got off the bus, he had a multi-colored scarf on. Good luck with the ladies, buddy.

-A couple quick “Bachelor” notes. For those that don’t know, ABC has decided to do another installment of the “Bachelorette”. And the bachelorette will not be someone from a previous show. And from what I’ve heard, they’ve already chosen this woman. I’ll let you know as soon as I find out. Secondly, last weekend, there was a guys weekend in Breckenridge, Colorado at Jesse’s place with a few of our fellow Bachelors from DeAnna’s season. ABC decided to send the cameras out there to film the guys for a future piece. However, I do not know what that piece is. Could be used for a “Where Are They Now?” episode, or it could be used as footage if they decide to go with Jesse as the next Bachelor, something I highly doubt they’d do. I’m hearing that Jesse and Holly, the blonde from Matt Grant’s season who he had the movie premiere date with, are starting to get involved. As are Fred, the guy from Chick-aaaag-o on DeAnnas season, and Noelle, a finalist from Matt’s season. As for our good friend Jeremy, he is currently with woman as well. Congratulations to him. Here’s some recent pictures of them that are floating around on the internet. Yes, she’s a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Hey, just like Melissa used to be. I felt a tad awkward just randomly posting pictures of Jeremy and his girlfriend unlike some people on the web, so I thought I did the right thing by checking with him first and he ok’d it. Here’s the link: Jeremys pictures.

-And a quick thank you to everyone who joined the “I Love Reality Steve” group on Facebook. If you haven’t joined yet, join now. Time is running out. Not really, I’ve just gone into “24″ mode. I won my bet. Actually, I won the bet in 48 hours. I thought that I’d have 200 members by the time last weeks column was supposed to go up. So thank you to everyone who’s joined. It’s time you tell your friends, and tell them to tell their friends, and their friends to tell their friends, and we can all become one happy family. Or something like that. Now lets begin…

-Host Chris kicks us off by showing up looking all metro with his collared shirt, designer jeans and black shoes. Looks like he’s headed out for drinks at the Standard Hotel after the show. Or the Mondrian. Either way, something tells me he’ll be calling the wifey later on coming up with an excuse as to why he’ll be home at 4 in the morning smelling of “Very Sexy” from Victorias Secret and with a pocket full of chicks phone numbers. He informs the girls there will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. But once again, not everyone will be getting to go on a date. Which really is a good idea. The more paranoia around the house, the better. Women are more dramatic when they’re paranoid. Even more so than usual. And that’s always a good thing. For television at least. Everyday life? Not so much. Save the drama ladies. Guys don’t want any part of it.

-Stephanie gets the first 1-on-1 date at the beach and then to Legoland. Of course, if this show were “Survivor”, they wouldn’t have ruined in the previews last week, and the previews before the show started, that he surprises her by bringing her daughter Sophia on the date, because its her 4th birthday. Then again, the “Bachelor” isn’t “Survivor.” Never will be. Probably has the same amount of silicone on it, but Host Chris isn’t Probst, as much as he wants to be by copying the blog he does on EW.com. I realize Stephanie had no clue about her daughter, but why show the audience beforehand? Whatever. This show isn’t trying to win any Emmys anytime soon. Whatever. Let’s move on to more pressing matters. Namely, that Jason rolled up his jeans on the beach because he didn’t want them to get wet. Only now he looks like he should be one of the T-birds in the original Grease? Actaully, doesn’t he kinda look like “Doody”, the T-Bird who carried around the squirt gun and flirted with “Beauty School Drop Out” girl? Crap. I’m forgetting her name. Embarrassing I know her real name of Didi Conn but am completely drawing a blank on her character name. I’m a loser. I’m sure it’ll come to me any minute. Yep, it just did. Frenchy. And no, I didn’t look at imdb.com either. Ok, yes I did because it was bothering me. C’mon, kind of alike, right? If Jason lived in the 60’s?

Doody and Jason: Tell me you see the resemblance.

Or how about Doody now? Don’t tell me Jason won’t look like him when he’s his age.

Work with me people. It took me about 30 minutes how to find those pictures, format them, and figure out how to paste them onto the page. Humor me a little bit.

-So Stephanie is very excited to get alone time with Jason, she does a cartwheel on the beach. Damn, her shirt didn’t fly up. That would’ve added a nice touch. They already showed Stephanie in the limo calling her daughter and leaving a message, so Jason thanks her for being there on her daughters birthday. But before Stephanie can finish justifying why a widowed mother would leave her child on her birthday to go on some stupid reality TV show, Jason interrupts and has her turn around, and we see Sophia running in. Mom and daughter were definitely on the same wave length as Stephanie ran over and practically jumped into Sophias arms who’s about 2 feet smaller than her while Sophia never tried to jump up into her moms arms. Made for quite an awkward hello so they ended up falling on each other. Hey, it was cute enough to make Jason cry. And I’m guessing also about 90% of the women watching this show. And if you’re a mother? I’d say 100% of you were crying. Unless you don’t really like your daughter. Am I right? Mothers, speak now or forever hold your peace.

-So they head on over to Legoland because, well, even though this is supposed to be Doody and Stephanies 1-on-1 date, it’s turned into a 4 year olds birthday party. I’m guessing Stephanie is thrilled that little Sophia is about to kill any chance of mommy getting felt up on any of the rides. Never fun to be c**k blocked. It’s worse being c**k blocked by your own daughter. Oh well. Sophia will understand someday. Stephanie is loving this date. “To have a park to ourselves, I’ve never had anything like this before.” Neither have 99% of the people in America, Stephanie. Gee, I wonder why that is? So these two go on a couple rides, and I really feared for them boarding any wild roller coasters. Especially one with a large drop or something. Can you imagine how much more contorted Stephanies face would look screaming down a roller coaster? Sophia would be scarred for life.

-Stephanie is starting to make her feelings known about what’s going on here. “I think Ty and Sophia would be great together.” Oh really? Now you’re playing matchmaker with children? This chick has it all planned out. She just figures if she can find Ty a wife at the age of three, then Jason couldn’t possibly send her home. Jason: “I’m not looking for Ty’s new mom.” Well, you might not be looking, but Stephanie sure wants to be it. I think she’s already filled out her application and everything. Stephanie makes it known that she’s dated a few guys since her husbands death, but nothing ever got serious. She’s looking for a man she can take care of, or help take care of. Huh? Then go find one at an old folks home. I’m sure plenty of those guys would like you to take care of them and wash their bed pan. Stephanie: “This is a running start into Jason and I falling in love.” To which she started doing something I didn’t think possible: she cried. I figured her tear ducts were wired shut after all the facial injections she’s had done. Maybe she just threw water on her face. Oh yeah, Jason gave her a lego rose in what was probably the easiest decision ever. I mean, really, could he have possibly sent mommy home after a day with her child on her birthday? Would’ve been hilarious though as she’s crying and saying goodbye to Sophia if Jason chimed in, “Uhhh, yeah, while you’re at it, why don’t you just get in the limo with her and take off. See ya.”

-Group date time. This one is with Shannon, Naomi, Melissa, Kari, Jillian, Nikki, Erica, and Megan. Probably the greatest group date ever concocted on this show. They will be making casts of their breasts and putting them up for auction, with all the proceeds raising money for breast cancer awareness and the Keep-A-Breast organization. Because I’m such a great guy and all for breast cancer awareness, their website is:

www.keep-a-breast.org

. And for those that are interested, the bidding has already begun, although you wouldn’t know it by the lack of bids they’re receiving. As of this writing, there were 5 bids total. Still nine days left though, so get your bids in if you want a plaster of Nikki’s rack lying around your house. Go ahead and try to outbid me on that one.

Here’s the link:

Start bidding on the womens plasters here

Speaking of Nikki, for those that want to check her and her bongos out in the Miss Illinois International competition from 2006, be my guest. I already did. Numerous times. Hey, I’m here to help, people. And stare at Nikki’s jugs.

Miss Illinois International 2006

-So of course if all the women are making plasters of their breasts, you can imagine how giddy I was with this whole date. I was like a kid in a candy store. Seriously, I’m not THAT infatuated with breasts. I swear I’m not. It’s just that when I get to see silhouettes of eight pairs of them, I tend to get excited. Well, nine pairs if you count Nikki’s twice. Not to mention all the obvious humor it would bring to the column. This was probably the easiest date ever to write about. Immediately, once Jason went first and got plastered up, the sexual innuendos were flying all over the place. One girl said, “I got to lube Jason up.” Oh honey, that’s just the beginning. Lube is about the tamest thing that’ll come out of this experience. Of course Shannon the Crazy was having a field day. “I like to stare at him.” We know you do, Shannon. Preferably from outside his window while he’s getting dressed. On July 5th his birthday. Was there ever a doubt that they would include Shannon the Insane on this date? Like she would ever pass up a chance to watch Doody shirtless.

-We find out something very interesting about Jillian on this date, and surprisingly, it has nothing to do with hot dogs, or condiments, or Oscar Mayer, etc. Jillian: “I’m very comfortable in my own skin. I love being naked.” Well, that’s a definite plus. I could be mistaken, but guys like hearing that. I can’t think of a single thing wrong when I hear a woman say, “I love being naked.” Unless it’s coming from Rosie O’Donnell or someone else equally disgusting. Take it off, Jillian. Take it all off. And oh yeah, Shannon the Lunatic conned Jason into putting one of the wraps around her. Of course she did. It was pretty much her only way of Jason ever feeling her up so she had to soak up every second of it. And after watching her act the rest of the show, that might’ve been the last time ANY guy gets that close to her. Cuck-koo.

-So after they all get naked and make plasters of themselves, I head to the bathroom. And Jason took all the ladies upstairs for more alone time. Up first was Melissa, who came in with the shocker of the night. Melissa tells Jason that she actually had a breast reduction. Did I hear her correctly? Did she say she was once a 28FF? That’s a size? I didn’t know that was possible. She’s a little tiny girl. How in the hell did she have FF’s? Either she was once a fatty and when she lost weight she lost her breasts, or she went with the implants and decided they were a horrible idea. I can’t believe someone that tiny could ever carry around 28FF’s. I’m fascinated by FF’s considering I never knew those were a size. I’ve always thought I was well versed in the area of womens chest sizes. However, in doing research for this column, I realized I know crap. I found this on a website:

“Although the average bra size is often quoted as 36C, most people who wear this size should actually be wearing either a 34D, 34DD, 32DD or 32E bra. The true average bra size is around 34DD. Cup sizes are in proportion to the band size, so a D cup, for example, is not the same size in every bra. A 32D is the same size as a 34C or 36B, but on a smaller frame. A 28F is actually 2 cup sizes smaller than a 38D. If you are fairly slim, then you may well need a large cup size even though your bust doesn’t look any bigger than average. You may not think of yourself as being busty, but in moving to a smaller band size you will find that you need a bigger cup size.”

Now I’m completely confused. So 28FF isn’t what I had imagined in my head? I’m truly crushed right now. Sorry Melissa, but I had you carrying around two exercise balls before. I think I’m glad I’m not a woman. So many size issues in clothing, it’d drive me nuts. Jason: “I never expected Melissa to tell me she had a breast reduction. Never saw that coming.” Me neither Jason. I’m scarred for life.

-Nikki Kaapke and her giant bazooms is the one girl this season we can categorize as “Girl Who Doesn’t Like Competing for Attention.” Translation: We this rack, I’m the center of the attention the minute I walk into a room. Now, I have competition and I don’t like it. So her and Jason get some alone time and have quite possibly, the most awkward conversation ever. Now, to defend Nikki here for a minute, something tells me that her and Jasons conversation was HEAVILY edited to make it seem like they talked about absolutely nothing and she couldn’t get a word out of her mouth. That was almost too awkward to be believable. There’s no way she just sat there and said nothing while he did the same and then just got up and went, “Ok, let me walk you downstairs.” No way. BUT, on the slight chance it did happen that way, you can rest assured Nikki and her watermelons aren’t long for this show. That was uncomfortable to watch, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt. And I bet you’ll never guess why either.

-Shannon and Melissa pull each other aside to talk. Shannon is distressed that she never gets alone time with Jason. The scene wasn’t really all that important until I paused it and noticed the cellulite on Melissas left leg. Hmmmm, maybe I was right about her being a former fatty. Hey, props to her if she has gotten down to the weight she is now. I think she just needs to do a few extra lunges at the gym. Or maybe Trainer Bob can f-bomb her down like he did last week to that woman on the “Biggest Loser.” Is Bob gay? I’ve debated this ever since I’ve watched that show and boy, he sure sounds like it sometimes. He’s a head scratcher, that one. Still trying to figure him out.

-Farmer John Jillian gets some time alone and its her turn to turn on the charm. I feel like this line has been getting uttered so much on TV recently that its losing its significance. I can’t remember where or when I’ve heard it, but I swear I’ve heard it more than a few times in the recent years. Jillian: “I’m not necessarily looking for someone I have to marry. I want to find someone I can’t live without.” Or some variation of that has been floating around TV for a while. Is that from a show? Was it this show? I feel like I’ve heard that line being re-used over and over again by people. “I’m not looking for someone I have to live with, I’m looking for someone I can’t live without.” Yeah, yeah. We get it. Seems it would have more effect if I didn’t hear it once a season. Jason also decides to give Jillian the rose for the group date and informs her, “Hey, when I was on the ‘Bachelorette’ with that media whore DeAnna, I never got a rose on a group date.” Great, Jason. Fabulous. Congratulations. And where did that get you?

-Nikki and her FF’s give the quote of the night to end the date. “I know I’m pretty. I know I’m smart. But I don’t think that’s enough.” Says who? Isn’t every relationship based on looks and intelligence? I thought those were the sole determining factors of two people staying together? Hmmm, I guess I’ve been sorely mistaken all these years. Maybe that’s why I’m single. So biggest chest and biggest brain doesn’t always win? Why didn’t someone tell me this before? You mean I actually have to like other things about people? Damn. You’re sure asking a lot. Thanks for the heads up, Nikki. I had no idea what I would’ve done without this information. And congrats on the Miss Illinois International thing. Whatever that means. What exactly is “international” about Illinois?

-Natalie gets the solo date with Jason that ends up being a private jet to Vegas, a helicopter ride over the city, and $1 million of jewelry around her neck. For the night, of course. Jason arrived in his limo driver suit again, and Natalie wasn’t ready. A huge pet peeve of mine. Look, I’ve never really cared how long it took my date or girlfriend to get ready. If it take you ninety minutes or if it takes you thirty minutes, to each their own. But what kills me is that, lets say you know it takes you 90 minutes to get ready every time you go out, and I say we’re leaving at 7:00, if you’re starting to get ready a minute after 5:30, then you’re going to be late. Hell, start getting ready at 4:00 if you want, I don’t care. It’ll give me plenty of time to get caught up on SportsCenter. Just be ready at 7. I’ve never understood that. Maybe because it only takes me about 20 minutes tops to get ready for any occasion, which includes shower, shave, and getting dressed. And here’s a novel concept: If I say we’re leaving at 7:00, it’s actually not against the law to be ready at say, I don’t know, 6:45. It really is ok to be ready earlier than I’d requested. Seriously. That’ll be the day. A man can dream.

-Needless to say, Natalie is speechless about the date. “Oh my God. Like, who gets to do this.” Ummmm, filthy rich people or people who come on this show. That’s about it. Geesh, another pet peeve of mine. This is regarding the show. I love how inevitably every season, you’ll a girl, or even a few, that is so enamored with the date that they project it on the Bachelor. Like he had anything to do with it. I’m sure Jason is a great guy, and I’m sure he’s been on some fun dates in his life, but Natalie please, you honestly think that if you weren’t on this show, your first date would be a private jet to Vegas? Jason isn’t footing the bill for any of this. Which plays into again why a lot of these women think they’re falling for the Bachelor, when in reality, they’re falling for all the perks the show is giving them. If Jason came to the house, picked up Natalie, didn’t drop a million bucks of ice around her neck and wrist, and just took her to dinner a movie, she wouldn’t be nearly as enamored with him as she was. That’s just a fact. So its what kind of lead to so many failed relationships on the show. Their in love with all the extravagant dates and trips they get to take. Then when they get back into real life, and see that their dating life is pretty much like everyone elses and not being watched by 10 million people a week, it gets bland. And oh yeah, while in the private jet, Jason says, “I felt like a real celebrity couple.” Well, other than not being a couple, nor being celebrities. Yeah, I guess I could see that.

-So as these two are driving on the strip in Vegas, Natalie casually mentions that she’s never seen the wedding chapels before. “I wanted to elope right there and not tell anyone.” Awwww, how romantic. Ummm, kinda can’t happen sweetie. Then the show would be over. And in case you didn’t notice, cameras are following you around everywhere you go. I think people would know. But hey, if you want an extravagant, $40 drive thru wedding with memories that’ll last you a good fifteen minutes, knock yourself out. We’ll all be over here laughing hysterically. It’s time for these two to get down to serious business. And no, I’m not talking about groping each other. Jason needs to find out if there’s anything more to this girl than fashion, clothes, bling, clubbing, partying, and sports. And he got his answer: No. When he asks her anything else he should know about her and what makes her tick, her answer: “I love bears.” Jason: “What kind of bears? Teddy bears? Koala Bears.” Natalie: “All bears.” Wow. This chick is deep. If Jason would’ve followed that up with, “Hey, you know womens periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation,” he would’ve been my favorite bachelor ever. Totally would’ve thrown her for a loop, as if she already wasn’t a complete airhead. Just to see the expression would’ve been priceless.

-Jason is obviously getting nowhere with this half-wit, but of course she tries to salvage it with “I know I was put here to be a mom.” That’s right, when all else fails, resort to the “mom” card, talk about your love for children and how you’d like to run an orphanage someday, even though everything about yourself screams, “You know, I wouldn’t mind being blitzed off a few Cosmos right now and dancing seductively on some tables.” Jason tries one last time to develop any sort of connection with Natalie by taking her to Jet nightclub for a private performance by Kate Voegele. No idea who this chick is. And after we got last weeks brilliant solo performance by none other than Alan Thicke, Kate Voegele really didn’t stand a chance of making sparks fly between these two. Man, I loved Jason Seaver when he was on “Growing Pains.” Didn’t realize he’d become such a well known singer now. Good for him. To say that Jason and Natalie had a very awkward slow dance would be an understatement. I don’t think they looked at, or talked to each other once. So to no one’s surprise, he didn’t give her a rose by telling her he wanted to see more than the materialistic side and realized they didn’t have “enough commonalities.” I’m guessing that went completely over her head.

-To say that Natalie was pissed at this point would be an understatement. The first thing she had to do was give back the bling. This dolt probably thought she actually got to keep it. Not quite, honey. Although, something I found interesting in Host Chris’ Blog at EW.com this morning, he mentions that after they took the jewelry off Natalie, Jason wanted to give her his own diamond necklace he bought for her. But she was so pissed, she wanted no part of it. Damn girl. So, just because it wasn’t $1 million it wasn’t good enough for you. The guy didn’t have to buy you sh** and could’ve just sent you on your way without anything. I guess she was too busy letting Jason have it to the cameras. “He’s an idiot. I bet he’s intimidated by me. I got a lot goin’ on. I’m not mad at all. I just don’t get it. F**k you, a**hole.” Yeah, you’re not mad at all, are you sweetie? I can’t tell whatsoever. Good riddance. Quit trying to convince us you’re not a shallow, superficial, materialistic queen who’d much rather have guys taking body shots off her than be someone’s step mom. (On a side note: If you read Host Chris’ blog, you’ll notice at the end that he wishes his wife a happy 25th birthday. Chris Harrison is 37. Niiiiiiiice. Look at our boy Chris chasing the young skirt. No wonder he dresses like he’s 21). Update: I’m an idiot. Shocking that someone known for their sarcasm couldn’t see through Host Chris’ sarcasm in his column wishing his 25 year old wife Happy Birthday. His wife is not 25. My mistake. You’re the greatest, Chris.

-Time for the ladies to all plead their case for one last chance, or in most of the girls cases, one last chance to make out with Jason. Naomi tells him she hasn’t let her guard down in 2 ½ years since her last boyfriend. “My last boyfriend was my only true love. I’ve only been with one person.” Well, of course this was just the go ahead for Jason to ram his tongue down her throat. I’ve noticed Naomi’s underbite recently. That’s quite interesting. Hope that works out for her in the long run. Jason doesn’t seemed bothered by it so neither will I.

-Time for Nikki to make up for that awful conversation earlier and boy does she ever with her “Peek-a-Boo” dress. It had a bunch of wild, crazy colors, it was really long, kinda looked like she should go salsa dancing in it, but that’s not important right now. What is, is that she a nice window in front that gave us a birds eye view of the goodies. If you ask me, its probably the only reason he made out with her since, so far, it doesn’t look like these two have much in common. So she leans in for a kiss in the most awkward way. She was actually going for the “Here, kiss me on the cheek”, yet Jason grabs her face and starts swallowing her. Yummy. This guy is wasting no time whatsoever. He’s on a time crunch here and he’s just parading in all the women he wants to make out with. Isn’t it kinda obvious who he’s gonna keep around and who he isn’t? Nikki informs us this is the first guy she’s made out with since her boyfriend of 11 years. What’s with all the inexperienced chicks this season? My God. Naomi hasn’t been touched in almost 3 years, Melissa says this was her first date in 3 years, Nikki DDD has kissed one guy in a decade. Huh? What’s going on here? Let’s get some promiscuous women on this show. Oh wait, she left earlier in the limo without her ice on.

-Jillian, already safe with a rose, says she feels lucky she got one and that this is a totally weird PRO-cess for her. “I don’t want to be the flavor of the week.” Uh oh. The Canadian accent is starting to come through. Next week we’ll get the “a-BOAT” and “or-gan-EYE-zation.” Molly says she’s “starting to get butterflies, and that’s the best feeling when getting into a relationship.” Actually Molly, believe it or not, there’s actually a better feeling than that. A few actually. One usually occurs when your man lays on top of you and you guys both breathe heavily in sequence for thirty seconds. It’s really a blast. Maybe someday you can experience that. It’ll make your butterfly stomach feel like someone just whacked you across the face with a hammer.

-Shannon the Downer brings the whole mood down now because she feels sick and starts crying. Of course, she’s looking for the sympathy card at this point. She tells Jason she felt so bad for him last season and “just wanted to jump through the TV. I want to complete you. I want to lay on the couch with you and ask, ‘How was your day?’” My guess is Jason is completely petrified by this chick and is keeping her around for the sole reason he doesn’t want to find a boars head on his pillow when he wakes up the next morning. Shannon is seriously starting to scare me, and I’m only watching on television. Creepy wouldn’t do this woman justice.

-Stephanie, after being c**k blocked by Sophia, feels this is her last chance to make anything romantic happen with Jason. She asks him to close his eyes, as she slowly kisses him on his eyelids, his eyeballs, I think his nose, under his chin, and every other odd place on his grill you could think of. I understand she went for the more passionate approach, but I’m telling you, this chick is going to be DEVASTATED when he dumps her. She’s getting way too emotionally invested way too soon. You don’t think so? “I feel I can fall in love again.” This all done while she applied eye drops to make us think her face could actually produce tears. Hey, at least she got to make out with him. So let’s see, Stephanie and Jillian are safe with roses. We know he’s into Melissa and her reducted breasts, and he just made out with Nikki, Naomi, and Molly. So that’s 6 of the 11 we know are staying. He’s not making this real suspenseful as to who he’s keeping around.

-I’m on a time crunch now, so I’ll finish this up. Basically, the only thing I won’t cover is the bickering that went on between Lauren and Megan. Frankly, I don’t really care, since both of them will be gone in the next couple of episodes. And oh yeah, Shannon threw up. I think her dignity went down the toilet along with her bile.

-Rose ceremony time. Jason definitely doesn’t give any B.S. speeches before he hands out the rose. “Thank you ladies for opening up. It helped me make my decision. Which is ridiculously easy since half of you I have no interest in whatsoever.”

Molly: Just think Molly, someday you’ll get to be intimate with a man when all your clothes are off. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.
Lauren: I would’ve kept her too for no other reason than I think she’s hot. Throwing people under the bus is part of this whole show. I don’t fault her for it. Plus, more pageant girls, the better. They like drama.
Melissa: I think after the show, she should go back to FF’s. Just for me.
Naomi: I have no idea what to think of this girl. I barely know her. Other than her underbite.
Shannon: Crazy makes for good television. So does puking on rose ceremony night for no reason.
Nikki: Smart and pretty may not be good enough for Jason, but I’ll tell you who it’s good enough for: Reality Steve. Send your application this way, sugar pie sweet cakes. And I’ll even let you go back to being a redhead.

“Ladies, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” What? Chris, you didn’t inform Jason. What if he gets confused? What if he wants to give out 3 more roses. Or can’t see that there’s only one rose left. Dammit Chris, do your f**king job right, or we’ll get someone else who will!

Megan: If for no other reason than her and Lauren can have a lingerie pillow fight.

-Since I’m in a charitable mood this week, I wanted to recognize an organization that a friend passed along to me. They only need less than 3,000 signatures to reach their goal. Check it out. That’s all I ask of you.

Petition to Cure SMA

That’s all for this week. If you have any questions, comments, emails, praises, suggestions, criticisms, send them my way at steve@realitysteve.com. Don’t forget to join the “I Love Reality Steve” group on Facebook so you can be the coolest person ever. Until next week.

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

I’m sorry. I’m actually in New Orleans right now on a hotel computer, I was 3/4 of the way finished with this weeks column when the computer froze. I had been saving my material every 5 minutes just so this wouldn’t happen, but when I got the computer working again, I went into my homepage, and for whatever reason, it had saved the first 3 paragraphs and that’s it. You have no idea how livid I am. I’m on a time crunch now so writing this column any time today is not a possibility. And I highly doubt I’m going to want to re-write the 8 pages that I just wrote. So, for the first time in almost 7 years of doing this column, there will be no Bachelor recap this week. It will return next week, unless for some reason, I’m able to retrieve it, but I’ve done everything. Looks like it’s gone. Sorry for the inconvenience. For all those who want to send your hate mail, address it to the Westin on Canal St in New Orleans. They’re the ones whose computers are screwy. Boooooooooooo

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

-Could yesterday have been any better? The Bachelor starts AND Jennifer Love Hewitt calls off her engagement to that extra who appeared on her show. Yeah, like those two were ever gonna walk down the aisle. Needless to say, I’m in a good mood. Sure, it was tempered a little bit by a senseless two hour episode (look, I don’t care if it’s the premiere or not, no “Bachelor” episode should be two hours), but still I made it through. Let’s get to a couple things first before we get started.

-I’d say the number one topic of emails sent to me over the past month is how has Maddie adjusted to her new apartment. As I mentioned, she’d been getting up in the middle of every night and running to the backdoor wanting out since I moved to a first floor apartment that had a yard. This very much got in the way of my ability to sleep as I was getting woken up and ridiculous hours at least once, if not twice, a night. Well, it looks like the problem is solved. The one thing Maddie has never done is go to the bathroom in my bedroom, where she pretty much spends most of her day and sleeps every night. So I basically just dared her to go. One night, I brought the carpet cleaner into the room with me when I went to bed just in case, and I closed the bedroom door. She got up during the night like she usually does, walked around, scratched on the door, then came over to my side of the bed basically asking me to let her out, and I didn’t. I just kept saying no. After a while, she got the picture and got back on the bed and slept the rest of the night. She would never poop in the bedroom, but if she peed, I was ready for it. So I just have to sleep with the bedroom door closed now (something I haven’t done since grammar school), and the problem is solved. Some nights she’s gotten up and scratched on the door, and I just say no, and she comes back on the bed and some nights she just sleeps through the night but she hasn’t gone to the bathroom once in the room. So essentially it’s not like she really ever HAD to go to the bathroom during the middle of the night, she just knew it was an option now that she had a yard and was using me. Problem solved. I’ll let you know if there are any accidents in the future, but I doubt it. Whew. Crisis averted.

-Also, I wanted to mention that my back is feeling much better. Thank you for all your concerns and suggestions on the email. It’s not nearly to the point where I would need surgery, it just causes discomfort here and there throughout the day. But I’m a big boy, I can handle it. I essentially just need to stick to my exercise routine and everything should be peaches and cream. Just don’t ask me to help you move anytime soon or do anything that requires any sort of athletic movement. Other than that, sign me up for the 2012 Olympics.

-One of you readers was kind enough, and crazy enough, to start an “I Love Reality Steve” group on Facebook. Currently, there are 11 members. Me being one of them. I have a bet going with my friend of how many members I can get. I will not tell you what I set the number at for fear of complete failure. But I have faith in my readers that they’ll come through. So, if you have a Facebook account, whether you actually love me or not, please join the “I Love Reality Steve” group. What does it get you? Absolutely nothing. Hey, maybe you’ll come in contact with someone you haven’t seen or heard from in years and realize you both have the same interest: me. That’d be outstanding wouldn’t it? You could talk for hours and hours and share your Reality Steve stories til the wee hours of the morning. Or not. Just join the group. Takes two seconds and I’d appreciate it. If I win the bet, I’ll let you know. If I don’t, I hate you all. Now, lets get started…

-Unbelievably enough, this is the 17th installment of this show. Twelve previous “Bachelor” shows, and four “Bachelorettes”. Chris Harrison has been host for all 16 seasons. You know what the most amazing thing is? He looks EXACTLY the same now as he did in the first episode. How is that possible? Is he drinking from the fountain of youth every morning. I swear, this guy doesn’t have a wrinkle on his face nor a hair out of place. Then again, its not like this is the most stressful job in the world. Bang on a champagne glass here and there, open the door for people getting out of limos, carry on fake conversations with the new Bachelor. Hell, doing the subtraction at the Rose Ceremony is probably his most difficult task. Whatever the case, Host Chris is like Benjamin Button. He’s living his life in reverse apparently. No, I haven’t seen it, but I know what its about. I think Brad Pitt should’ve got paid double to hook up with Cate Blanchett, but that’s besides the point.

*****Host Chris Note*****: Just realized that like Jeff Probst this season, Host Chris will be doing a blog every Tuesday morning to talk about the previous nights episode. You can see it on EW.com. A little behind-the-scenes stuff, but much tamer and less opinionated than Probst’s. Check it out. For this week, I’ll just post the actual link. Just be sure to go there every Tuesday from now on. Man, the things I do to promote this show. Here’s the link:

http://popwatch.ew.com/popwatch/2009/01/chris-harrison.html

-Just like the beginning of every season, we get to see a video montage of who our Bachelor is. What’s interesting about Jason’s was, they of course showed footage of him getting dumped by DeAnna at the final rose ceremony. Remember, during the finale last year, right when he went to kneel down, we were shown that she immediately pulled him back up. Afterwards, we find out that he was down on his knee for close to five minutes but ABC just chose to edit all of that out. Last night, we actually got to hear a couple things he said to her when he was down there. Nothing I remember really, but I just wanted to point that out. I can probably take a guess though: “How in the world could you even like Jesse?” “I want you to live with me in Seattle when your television career inevitably fails.” “I give you and Jesse 6 months.” Something like that. And oh yeah, we get shots of Jason working out. Not quite Brad-naked-in-the-shower shots, but still fairly gay. Do we really need to see him jump roping?

-Then we get a quick shot of all our bachelorettes telling us who they are, what they do, all the while getting a glimpse of their craziness. There’s Molly who’s practicing her golf swing hoping for a “hole in one”. Oh, I bet you are Molly. So is Jason. Usually happens towards the end of the night. Some loony brought 32 pairs of shoes. Don’t get me started. It’s a fundamental difference between men and women that we’ll never understand. Women don’t understand why men go to strip clubs, we don’t understand why you have to own a pair of shoes for every outfit you have. Let’s just agree to disagree and the world will be a better place. Dominique is a little bubbly, annoying chick from some rural city in Pennsylvania. I think she took the horse and buggy to California to appear on the show. Melissa is a former Cowboys cheerleader that did herself justice by wearing a dress that fit snug enough around her chest to accentuate her best feature. Renee is a jewelry designer in LA (works at Zales) and has a vision board. More on this later. And then they showed Stephanie, the widowed mother of one who’s husband died in a plane crash 10 weeks after their daughter was born. There’s a memorial to him in their backyard. I’ll make a quick prediction about Stephanie: She will get attached the quickest and cry the most when she gets dumped.

-Jason arrives at the mansion and Host Chris and he have a fake fireside chat. Nothing too revealing here, just the same stuff that gets asked to every Bachelor. “Why did you decide to do this?”, “What’s been the reaction from people you run into?”, and my all-time favorite, “Do you think you can fall in love doing this?” And of course they all answer “Absolutely.” Really? Then why is this show 0-for-12 in producing marriages? Byron and Mary don’t count because they still haven’t gotten married yet after 100 years of being engaged. And since she likes her wine a bit too much, in addition to punching his lights out when she’s sauced, I’m guessing that wedding will never happen. Our best hope is Charlie O’Connell, who recently got back together with Sarah Brice. I’m cheering for them for no other reason than his season was my favorite season. And now he’s got a little pressure on him since brother Jerry just popped two twins out of Rebecca Romijn Stamos O’Connell. Still scratching my head about that one. Former fashion model dumps John Stamos to marry the fat kid from “Stand by Me”. Hollywood is weird. By the way, I just Wikipedia’d her name because I wanted to be accurate on the spelling. Did you realize she divorced John Stamos on March 1st, 2005, and announced her ENGAGEMENT to Jerry O’Connell on Sept. 19th of the same year? Yeah, sure she didn’t cheat on him. Like I said, Hollywood is weird.

-Time to recap the women coming out of the limos. Impossible to do all 25 women since not all of them made an immediate impression. But here are the ones that did:

Lauren: One of the better looking women this season. It was her birthday that day and she was turning 27. Jason never suggested that she should’ve come out of the limo in her birthday suit like I would’ve. I guess that’s where Jason and I are different. Instead, she wore an animal print dress. Rawr! Women who wear animal print dresses are dirty. Proven theory.

Melissa: Former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. I’m trying to find a way to describe her. Very bubbly, very emotional, and very expressive. She’ll be around a while, although, she could start to get on my nerves.

Sharon: Looked rather homely. She salsa danced with Jason, who was awful. Adam Carolla had more rhythm on “DWTS”. Of course, Sharon lied and told him, “You’re good.” Uhhhh, no he wasn’t.

Natalie: Never watched last season with DeAnna since, according to her, “I don’t have a TV.” Needless to say, Natalie and I don’t have a future together. She might as well tell me she’s the devil’s daughter.

Naomi: She was the first person out of the second limo. Jason tells her that’s exactly the position he was with DeAnna so they have something in common. Great. That means you’ll dump her at the altar too?

Jackie: A wedding coordinator from Dallas who’s divorced. Also wearing an animal print dress which means she’s out for sex. And immediately.

Stephanie: The 34 year old widowed mother never told us about the two infants she carries around on the front of her chest. Geesh. Someone wanted to be noticed that night. If he didn’t notice those, maybe he caught of glimpse of her face that looks like someone is yanking it backwards.

Treasure: Had the best line of the night when she told him Treasure “is not my stage name”. Funny girl. At least she can laugh at the fact her parents gave her the #1 name used by strippers.

Nikki: Was the last girl out of the third limo and probably made the biggest impression. Why, you ask? Ummmm, because of her giant boobs spilling out of her dress, that’s why. Without a doubt, one of the more impressive sets we’ve seen ever on opening night. Was there ever a doubt she’d get the first impression rose after that grand entrance? “Here I am, I am Nikki, and these are my breasts! Take me to your leader!”

-A few things I noticed about all the limo introductions: Jason and the girls give a lot of “butt out” hugs. You know, the ones where you just lean in with your upper body and your butt sticks out when you hug someone. Yes, I know he’s just meeting them for the first time, but he did it with every single girl. Jason also had two favorite lines he uttered to every girl. He either said, “We’ll have a great time tonight,” or, “We’ll talk inside.” It’s like he was on auto pilot with those phrases.

Molly: She was the golfer chick. Says she played in high school and wanted to see Jason’s swing. I guess that was some type of foreplay to her.

Nicole: She remembered from DeAnna’s season that orange was Ty’s favorite color. So she wore an orange dress to earn brownie points. Uhhhh, didn’t work.

Jillian: She’s the chick who can tell a lot about a man by what he puts on his hot dog. She’s also a lunatic.

Dominique: She’s the giggly, sheltered, rural city girl that still uses Pony Express to send her mail. They call her “Dom” for short. I call her dumb. I kill myself, really.

Emily: Chick from Seattle. Says she’s the biggest Seahawks fan out there. Sorry. Seahawks aren’t any good and you’re going home. Thanks for playing. Pick up your commemorative, “I went on the ‘Bachelor’ and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” on your way out the door.

Shannon: She went with the fake teeth gag out of the limo because she’s a dental hygienist. Get it? Ha ha. Hilarious. She’s the one with the small, scrunchy face and the big giant smile. It’s killing me that I can’t pinpoint who she reminds me of.

-Shannon ends up being the first girl they show Jason sitting down with. Not only did Shannon try to impress him with her teeth gag, she also tried to reel him in with the cleavage show she had going on. She tells Jason that her and Tori Spelling are competing for the record of “Most Inches of Space in Between Our Breasts”. I think Shannon might win this one. So not only that, but Shannon is our resident stalker. Tells him about his birthday on July 5th, says she’s spent time on his MySpace page, and knows that his brother Larry is also dating a Shannon. Also lets him know that Glenn Close is her favorite actress, she’s very much against infidelity, and that bunny rabbits are her favorite pets. Especially when you boil them. Be on the lookout for Shannon this season. She could be Trish 2.0.

-Sharon decides to tell Jason that she gave up her high school Spanish teaching job for the opportunity to come meet him. Es verdad? Tu loco? Please, any Spanish teachers out there, please don’t correct me if I didn’t conjugate those verbs correctly. It drove me nuts in high school, and it’ll drive me nuts now. Senora Kaulig and Senora Alva would not be happy that Reality Steve never learned a damn thing in Spanish I, II, or III. The only phrase I remember from those classes? Soy guapo. Still not sure why that has been committed to my memory, but it must be important. I always disagree with those who say English is the hardest language to learn. B.S. Conjugating verbs in Spanish is like trying to split the atom. Ridiculous. I remember “O, As, A, Amos, An” and that’s about it. Give me my “D” and lets move on to the next class.

-Kari from Kansas City has a poem for Jason. Oh boy. These never go well. It was very amateurish, quite corny, and much too long for never having met the guy, but of course, Jason put on a happy face, kept the poem, and pretended that he liked it. At least there was no singing or anything like that. I’ve just never understood going with the poem on the first night. Like that’s supposed to impress him when he doesn’t even know you? I guess I understand the girls have a very short time to make a first impression, but I’d just do something a little more subtle. Like, I don’t know, ask Nikki about first impressions. She seems to make a good one. She’s a former beauty pageant winner, so there’s that. She said she really likes spending time with her nieces and nephew, that’s a positive. And she’s got arguably the most impressive set of cans west of the Mississippi. So that helps too.

-Time for Jillian to perform the hot dog test. No, not the one where we see how many she can fit in her mouth at one time because that would be classless, disgusting, and rather provocative. No, Jillian gives us the breakdown of what you can tell about a man by what he puts on his hot dog. Here’s her chart:

Ketchup: He’s a strong, loyal, loving guy that talks to his mom several times a week.
Sauerkraut: The guy that all the girls go for. He’s a bad boy.
Onion: The kind of guy you’d never marry. Kinda rude.
Mustard: The guy that you settle down with.

So Jason comes in and she gives him his hot dog. Now after hearing her definitions for the different toppings, was there really any way he was going to put Sauerkraut on it? I mean, c’mon people. Wasn’t it obvious mustard would end up on there? This show is too predictable at times. I was hoping Jason would put all 4 toppings on his hot dog just to show how ridiculous Jillians theory is.

-Renee’s turn to scare Jason. She tells Jason of her vision board. What’s a vision board you ask? Hell if I know. The way I understand it is you cut out a bunch of positive words and pictures from magazines and newspapers, pin them on a board, then you’ll have good luck. Ummmm, wow. That might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. So if this were such a legit thing to do, wouldn’t everyone in America do it? Then everyone would have good luck and nothing bad would happen to anybody. I’ll tell you what Renee. Do this for me. Find your nearest magazine and create a new vision board. I’ll help you with this one. Cut out the words “I”, “AM”, “A”, “COMPLETE”, “LUNATIC”, pin them up on the board in sequence, then put it by the mirror you look into every morning. You can begin immediately since apparently vision boards can’t predict how long you’ll stay on the “Bachelor.” I think her vision board is laughing at her as we speak.

-Some more time is spent with other women. Racquel takes him outside to salsa dance, only to be interrupted by anonymous girl I can’t remember. Jason dresses like a limo driver by the way. Stephanie sits him down and tells him how she became a widow. But it’s been 3 ½ years and she’s ready to love again. You know what else is ready to be loved? The silicone strapped to her chest. Those puppies are in full force tonight. Lauren asks Jason if he knows the three branches of the government since that what she teaches. I would’ve broken out in a cold sweat if asked that on a first date. Ummmm, politics? No thanks. But I’ll make out with you instead. How’s that? Since it’s Lauren’s birthday, Jason leaves her momentarily saying he has something for her. Lauren thinks it’s the first impression rose. Of course it wasn’t. Would’ve been too obvious. Plus, she’s not sporting the chest that Nikki is. Nope. Jason brought her a slice of cake with a candle. I’m sure Lauren is thrilled about this. No worries. Lauren looks like she’ll be around a while.

-For the first time in Bachelor history, Host Chris comes in during the cocktail party with a stunning announcement. Each girl will vote for one girl that they want to go home. Let the cattiness begin. The women could base their vote on anything. Who they liked the least, who they thought was the prettiest, who was their biggest competition, who had the most botox, who was the sluttiest, etc. Could’ve been any number of things that caused them to vote the way they did. So the votes are placed and Jackie, the wedding coordinator received the third most votes. Erica received the 2nd most. Megan got the most. She has a 14 month old so apparently she understands more than everyone else what its like to have a kid and that rubbed some of the girls the wrong way. Throw in the fact that Megan called them all a**holes after it was announced she had the most votes pretty much confirmed they were accurate in their assessment of her. Of course, what would the “Bachelor” be without a twist. Instead of Megan getting sent home, the most votes meant she gets a rose and is staying. Yippee. Let’s assume Megan will be everyone’s whipping girl this season. After this vote took place, Jason finally gave out the first impression rose to Nikki. How he didn’t have the balls to present the rose to her by squeezing it in between her cleavage is beyond me. That’s what I would’ve done. And probably been kicked off the show.

-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Jason: “Thank you…lot of fun…difficult, excruciating decision…I know how difficult it is…DeAnna is a complete publicity whore and I hate her.”

Lauren: Final Four. Easy.
Kari: The poem must’ve done it. And her pink eyeliner. Yuck.
Naomi: Seems like the biggest floozy in the group. Did I just use the word floozy? Is it 1920?
Natalie: Haven’t really talked about her yet. Just know she has orange skin and platinum blonde hair.
Molly: She golfs. Like Jason. And wants a hole in one. Uh huh.
Racquel: The Brazilian girl who salsa danced. Pretty much the Agnese of this season, except with a little better English.
Stephanie: She’s ready to love again. As is Jason. Just not to her. Or her chest.
Melissa: Another final four candidate. Her over-the-top expressions and bubbly personality might start eating away at my skin.
Jillian: “Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!”
Shannon: I wonder if she knows Jasons social security and bank account number. If not, she will soon I’m sure.
Lisa: I have no idea who this chick is.
Sharon: “Will you accepto el roso?” “Si, si.”

“Ladies, Jason. This is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. I’ll be over here in the corner putting on my wrinkle free cream, sipping from the Fountain of Youth, all while watching “Cocoon” on DVD.”

Erica: The chick that got the 2nd most votes in the house.

-Renee becomes delusional. “I’d be perfect for him. I’m 36, professional, cute. The vision board is real.” Apparently not weirdo. Your vision board just got you sent home. You think she’s into Ouiji boards too? Yeah, those are legitimate. She probably had those sleep overs when she was a teenager where they’d try and talk to ghosts or make her friends elevate. Different bird.

-Jackie the wedding coordinator is bummed. “I think he missed out on something great. I was already planning our wedding. I thought this was going to be my happy ending.” Nope. Jason’s looking for a happy ending somewhere else. And that he doesn’t have to pay for. Have another drink, Jackie. It’s last call at the bar and you haven’t had nearly enough to embarrass yourself. The animal print dress didn’t work either. Next time try something less slutty. Like a bustier or a lace nightgown. That’ll be an attention grabber.

-So in the previews for the rest of the season, I believe we see Jason making out with all 15 remaining women at some point. This guy is wasting no time whatsoever. Good man. Get down to business Jason. No screwing around. Tongue all of them and whoevers the best, wins. That’s how I’d play this silly game. They also show us a shot of the final proposal. I’m sure all the super sleuths out there have gone to the freeze frame image by image to see who it is. What we do know is she’s wearing a light blue dress and is a brunette. That’s indisputable. And eliminates about half of our 15 girls remaining. There have been rumors floating around as to who he picked, plenty of which have been emailed to me. I’d rather not say who the consensus is at this point, but based on the quick clips we saw last night, seems to be pretty much confirmed. We’ll see. Don’t worry. I won’t ruin it.

-One final matter to discuss, and that is DeAnna. Yes, she returns this season. But of course, there’s a twist. By the previews last night, they made it seem like DeAnna is returning to try and win back Jason. Ummm, no. That’s what they want you to think to create drama. DeAnna’s returning because she’s a publicity hound and wants to get in front of as many cameras as possible before her 15 minutes are up. Yes, they made it seem like she’s returning to woo him back, but she’s only coming back to give him advice and help out. This show started filming in October. DeAnna and Jesse broke up on or around November 4th. How cold would she have looked to go running back to Jason just weeks after dumping Jesse? So no, DeAnna is not returning to compete for Jason. She’s returning because they asked her too to create drama. Even I wasn’t fooled by that last night and I believe everything.

-Another season is upon us. Which means a “Reality Roundup” shouldn’t be far behind. I want to wait until “Idol”, “Real World”, “Rock of Love Bus”, and the “City” and “Bromance” are a few more episodes in before I give my review. Although I can tell you that having an elimination in a hot tub with a bunch of dudes is just about the gayest thing on television. Nice job, Brody. Anyway, if you have any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, inquiries as to who Jason picks, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. And don’t forget if you’re a member of Facebook to join the “I Love Reality Steve” group. You’ll be really cool if you do. Until next time.

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason