A few things to get to today including reaction to Jake’s comments since being announced as the “Bachelor”. This guy is a piece of work. Also, some thoughts on “Survivor,” “Dancing with the Stars,” The “Hills,” The “Ruins,” plus some other TV notes. I can’t get to “Leave it Lamas” this week because I haven’t watched the premiere episode yet. Just haven’t had time to get around to it. Something tells me though I’m not missing much. Call me crazy.

The Bachelor

So ever since Jake sat in the audience of “DWTS” Tuesday night and they basically mocked him to his face, he’s made the rounds with the magazines giving his thoughts on the whole thing. I’ve cut and pasted quotes he gave to “US Weekly” and “People” below, then given you the real translation of what he was saying, in case you couldn’t figure it out for yourself.

US Weekly: (Link: “Jake Won’t Deal with Contestants Having Beaus Back Home”)

“It’s such a unique opportunity. I still cannot believe this is happening. How did I get here?” Translation: After hours and hours of praying on my knees and begging the producers to make me the “Bachelor”, and after Reid and Kiptyn wanted no part of the show anymore and turned it down, they finally succumbed and gave it to me. I’m so excited I celebrated with a glass of milk.

On coming on too strong with Jillian: “I was like, ‘Oh! Tone it down a bit!’ That’s what I took away from ‘The Bachelorette’. I was just so excited. I wanted her to like me because she’s so gorgeous and such a great person. And I tried just a little too hard.” Translation: You think? You mean falling in love with someone after one date is considered “trying too hard”. No way! If you were that ga-ga over Jillian after one stupid country western date, I can only imagine how many women you’ll want to propose to after the meet-and-greets. Maybe this will turn into a season of “Big Love” where Jake just says, “You know what? F— it. I want to marry four of these women.” Then they all run off to Utah and live happily ever after there.

On going to past Bachelors for tips: “I’ve seen a lot of other seasons, but I’m not planning on that. I want to go in fresh. I know that they are making a show that ultimately doesn’t have anything to do with my goals. I want to meet these girls, and I want to fall in love and let them down as gently as possible at the end.” Translation: Jake’s seen a lot of other seasons? Gee, never would’ve thought that. And yeah, probably not a good idea to get tips from previous Bachelors considering NONE of them are married. Exactly what type of keen insight is Lorenzo Borghese going to give you? Want some advice on how to take a punch from Byron Velvick? How about going to Jason Mesnick and asking him about the art of flip-flopping? The only one I’d talk to would be Jesse Palmer. The legend has it that he’s the one former Bachelor who’s laid pipe to the most former contestants. However, God might strike you down if you do that.

On what he’s looking for: “The four most important things to me are similar qualities — someone who is romantic, passionate, compassionate and protective…and will laugh at my jokes!” Translation: That’s what you call them? Jokes? Could’ve fooled me. I thought of them as the worst attempts at humor this side of Carlos Mencia.

“People” Magazine: (Link: “And the new Bachelor is…Jake!”)

“I’ve dated some really amazing girls, but I’ve never been successful at finding that one girl. And I saw how the whole thing comes together, the process with Jillian. I saw how the process works and I believe in it. That’s a unique way to meet somebody.” Translation: Yes, don’t we all believe in this process? You know, the one that has produced one wedding in 18 seasons? Why shouldn’t we? Those are unbelievable odds in your favor. Jake must not be much of a gambler.

“I fly on the weekends, play golf, go to a movie, but I’m not a couch potato. That’s the one thing I have to make these girls understand, I have a lot of energy. I love salsa dancing. Country dancing on a Thursday night in Dallas is really fun, too. I enjoy working with my hands, creating or building something, landscaping and doing garden work. Even if [a woman] didn’t enjoy doing the things that I do, I would want her to be a part of them because I love them so much.” Translation: Ladies, the line forms to the left if you want to go landscaping with Jake Pavelka. Yeah, I know a ton of chicks that just love getting down and dirty with garden work and landscaping. Total panty dropper. Usually those chicks have mullets and wear Timberland boots. And are huge WNBA fans. Good luck to you, Jake. Really. Knock em’ dead.

Like I’ve stated, can’t wait for this season to start. I believe the meet and greet was last night and some of our ladies have already been sent home. I wonder if Jake wrote each of them a handwritten note explaining why he had to let them go. Even though we all know the first night is based purely on looks. Ha ha. For as much as ABC hates me, they sure don’t do themselves any favors by casting a guy who lives in Dallas. Do they not think I’m gonna find stuff out? Idiots. Anyway, any good friends of Jakes want to hit me up with some stories, feel free to contact me at steve@realitysteve.com.

“Survivor”

I’ve always said that “Survivor” is probably my favorite reality show, along with “American Idol”. However with that said, there’s not a chance in hell I could ever make it on that show. Why? Last night’s episode. No, not the eating of bugs or anything like that. Although, one thing I absolutely cannot stand is getting bit by bugs. So yeah, that might do me in right there. But other than that, I don’t think I could ever deal with the sleeping at night during a thunderstorm. I can barely sleep during a thunderstorm when I’m inside on my bed. We had one the other night. I couldn’t imagine getting up during it, walking outside, laying a few bamboo sticks down, bringing out one blanket, and spending the whole night in it. Are you crazy? No thanks. I’ll stay in here where it’s nice and warm and I can cuddle with Maddie.

So I was alerted to cast list for next seasons “Heroes vs Villains” that’s already been filmed. Didn’t want to read the spoilers of what actually happens since it completely takes away any suspense the show has. “The Bachelor?” I could care less if I know who the final four and final two are. I don’t sit around during the rose ceremonies biting my fingernails wondering who’s gonna stay or who’s gonna leave. “Survivor” is a different animal. If I already know who’s leaving, then there’s no intrigue in the episode at all since you’ll be able to see through the editing, and you’ll already know which tribe wins Immunity. What fun is that, Eliza? Ha ha. Anyway, interesting cast list. I figured it would just be anybody who’s been on since the “Fans vs Favorites” season. Nope. They’re going way back. And over half the people on next season will be making their 3rd appearance on the show. Weird.

As for Eliza Orlins, you probably remember her from the “Vanuatu” season and “Fans vs Favorites”. Well, we are going to have her on shortly for a podcast to discuss all things “Survivor”. Won’t be a weekly segment, but I was thinking maybe I’ll do one right after the merge, and then right before the final four. Still haven’t decided yet. But look forward to that in the future.

“Dancing With the Stars”

Carrie Ann Inaba may be a hot cougar, but there’s something about her on the show that’s always annoyed me. However, she totally redeemed herself this week when she told Aaron Carter that he’s trying way too hard and his dancing is turning people off. Good. That’s what that little punk gets for running his mouth earlier this season. And I’m loving the behind-the-scenes feud he and Maksim are having. Maksim is basically claiming that everyone on set knows there’s something going on with Aaron and Karina, and Carter is denying. Plus, since Maks got the boot last week, he got in a little dig saying it’s been “less tense” on the set without Max around. Awesome. Sorry, I’m Team Max. Always have been. He’d squash Aaron Carter like a grape. He’d hop-shuffle-step-ball-chain all over his scrawny ass. I don’t even know if that’s the right dance lingo. Sounded good though. From the immortal “Dumb And Dumber”, “Kick his ass, Sea Bass!”

I wasn’t too down with these four new dances introduced this week. The Charleston and the Two-Step seemed way too hokey for me. Plus, the degree of difficulty wasn’t nearly what it is for the other dances. Although, the two-step this week did produce one of the worst dances in the history of the show when Louie and Chelsie danced. Holy crap. I don’t think Louie did one move the whole time. He perfected the art of walking and that was about it. If women didn’t find him as cute as a button and didn’t want to see him and Chelsie as a couple, he’d probably have been eliminated in Week 1. He was terrible this week.

Hey Aaron, it’s Michael “Irvin”, not Michael “Irving”. Amazing now he’s called him that on more than one occasion and no one’s corrected him on it. Then again, when the little nancy is crying on Michael Irvin’s shoulder after he gets a bad score, what are you gonna do? Kick him while he’s down? Well, I sure would. I usually like most of the contestants they’ve ever had on this show. Aaron Carter is a weenie. His dancing does bother me, he’s incredibly cocky, and he has a giant vein that runs down his forehead that scares the crap out of me. I feel like an alien is going to come shooting out of his forehead at any minute. Glad he was in the bottom two this week. Maybe that means the audience hates him too.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’ve always been a fan of Derek Hough. Granted, he let one get away when he and Shannon Elizabeth broke up, but c’mon now, am I supposed to believe that he and Joanna Krupa aren’t doing the horizontal lambada? Please. The guy is practically pitching a tent every time during rehearsals. And their whole routine this week was essentially soft porn. What’s harder: to get a 10 from the judges, or Joanna’s implants? Hmmmm, tough one. Those things never move an inch. It’s like the doctor shoved two giant paper weights in those things.

“The Hills”

Dumping Lauren Conrad and adding Kristin Cavallari was just about the best damn decision that show ever made. Sure the show is still completely fake and ridiculous, but at least I get to enjoy seeing Kristin prance around my screen all slutty each week. I always liked Kristin back to the “Laguna Beach” days, but she is looking might fine these days. Damn. Obviously the whole Justin Bobby stuff is completely for television and there isn’t a chance in hell she’s with him, but it sure is fun to watch. Anytime Audrina gets less airtime or they’re making her look bad, I’m a happy man. The fact that Kristin moves in and completely starts mounting Audrina’s ex, then Audrina starts seeing Justin Bobby’s best friend behind his back pretty much tells you all you need to know about how scripted it is.

Brody’s girlfriend Jayde isn’t getting any better looking either. What happened to her? Why do I remember her being hot at some point? Or am I mixing her up with someone else? Whatever the case, she looks haggard nowadays. Since anyone associated with the Kardashian clan seems to be married or knocked up lately, I’m expecting Brody and her to announce and engagement or pregnancy any minute. Feel sorry for their future kid. Eyes will be going every which way but straight ahead.

“The Ruins”

Still haven’t watched this past Wednesday’s episode, but if it’s anything like the first two, it’s TV gold. Wes is a one man wrecking crew. I hope at some point this season he doesn’t make up with his teammates and they all become buddies again. This show is infinitely better with Wes banging a member of the other team, while his ex fiancée is on his team trying to convince him that he better not throw more challenges, or she’s selling their house and keeping the money since her name is on title. Awesome. You couldn’t make this stuff up if you tried. All the while, Johanna is now screwing Wes’ biggest enemy. If you’re not watching this show, you must. It is absolutely golden. All the challenges are taking a backseat this season to the Wes/Kelly Ann/Johanna/Kenny drama.

Not that I don’t think it was a genius call for casting her, but MTV definitely has a evil, dirty side to them. How else do you explain casting Shauvon on a show with physical challenges? C’mon. You know she’s only on this show for two reasons: to spread her legs for any guy that’s willing, and to pop one of her implants. Like they actually thought she could last in this game? Please. Every girl on that show either has the body of a tri-athlete, is 100lbs, or has no athletic ability but is a little pin-up slut. Shauvon is neither of those. And by the third episode, she’s face planting into the water bursting her enormous teet. Good for her. She seems to have found her calling in life. Other than ordering 5ths at the buffet.

I’ll have more to comment on this series in the next column that goes up. Probably my favorite reality show currently going right now. I hope that series never ends. They should do challenges until all those people are 50. And at any point if they want to give Wes or Kenny their own show once they get married, be my guest. Just tell me the time and day and I’ll set my TiVo. Although, something tells me we would inevitably get the, “Wes goes to jail” episode during that series. Or Wes commits murder.

Other Random Tidbits:

-I thought the “Office” wedding episode was one of the better wedding episodes ever pulled off. Usually those episodes don’t live up to the hype whatsoever, but that one was really, really good. The rip off of the You Tube wedding was a classic and fit perfect with the show. Great stuff. I’d kinda been down recently on the “Office” but that episode restored my faith.

-Best new show of the season? “Modern Family” on ABC. Another half hour comedy done in the faux-documentary style, but its surprisingly good. Watching all the promos before the season, I didn’t expect much. But the writing on that show is very clever, and the weenie husband is hilarious. It’s funny to see Penny from “Lost” on “Flash Forward” this season, and now Jack Sheppard’s wife is on “Modern Family”. When is Hurley gonna make his appearance on “Private Practice”?

-”Flash Forward” is another good new show, however, I’m worried that its got about one good season in it, and then will completely go sideways. I mean, after April 29th, 2010, where does the show go from there? Everything this season is leading up to that date. Seems like anything after that will be anti-climatic. We’ll see. Good stuff so far though.

-Less than 2 weeks until the best drama on TV returns: “Friday Night Lights”, Wednesday, Oct. 28th on Channel 101 of DirecTV. If you don’t have it, go get it, or else you’re probably gonna be waiting til next summer to watch season 4. Even though characters are graduating and we’ll be seeing less and less of some of our favorites, the show has always been built around Coach Taylor and his wife. So with him at a new school, and her still working at Dillon, should get interesting this season.

-Lastly, I need to discuss Balloon Boy. Glad the kid is ok and all, but geez. What a circus that was. If you don’t follow me on Twitter (www.twitter.com/RealitySteve), my thoughts are this: Building balloon space crafts for fun and being storm chasers is not normal. So tell this father to stop getting offended that people are asking if this was a hoax. You like driving into the eye of storms while filming, you’ve already appeared on reality TV twice, and you named your kid Falcon for god sakes. How are we supposed to take you seriously?

-At least Falcon brought a little humor to the situation this morning when Meredith Vieria was trying to be serious, and the kid decided it was time to show everyone what he had for breakfast this morning. Awesome. The puking happens right around the 5:58 mark. I love the fact that NBC zooms in on the kid puking, then only after he gets sick a 2nd time do they realize, “Yeah, maybe we shouldn’t be showing this.” You stay classy, “Today” show. Here’s the video:

Ok, that’s all for this week. I’ll be back in the next couple weeks with more stuff, as well as a podcast with Eliza Orlins discussing “Survivor” and other things. Join me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter by scrolling over to the right hand column and clicking the respective link. Any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, feedback, or love for all that is Reality Steve, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next time.

Administrator Reality Roundup, The Bachelor 14 - Jake

Not until the last few seasons have I gotten into the “spoiler” aspect of the “Bachelor/ette”. As I mentioned before, once the Jason/Molly/Melissa thing fell into my lap, people have been coming to me expecting to know everything. I know a lot of things, but I certainly don’t know everything. However this season, things are in place for me to know a little bit more than in past seasons. Just giving you a heads up. Like for instance, even though filming hasn’t started yet, I know that one of the early season dates will be at Sea World in San Diego. Lovely. Jake riding on the back of Shamu. Think that’ll bring him to tears? I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks someone to marry him right there. Basically what I’m saying is more information will be delivered as it becomes available to me. So yes, you will get my column every Tuesday morning starting January 5th with the usual snark and sarcasm, but will also be finding things out when I find them out.

Lets immediately get down to business, and that’s the fact that they haven’t even started filming yet, and already the lies have started. If I’m not mistaken, the meet and greets will start either tonight or Thursday night, but filming definitely starts this week. However, lets backtrack real quick to this whole announcement of Jake being named the “Bachelor”. A few weeks ago when Chris Harrison tweeted that “Kiptyn, Reid, and Jake were all finalists” and that the announcement would be made on Oct. 13th, don’t think for a second he didn’t already know who it was going to be. And then last week, Jake tried to throw all his Facebook friends off by posting this B.S.:

“Reid, Kiptyn and I are all being considered. I tend to lean towards Reid bc he had so much more TV time, which leads to more fans and higher rating. Sorry guys, its just a rumor.”

Uh, huh. Sure it is, Jake. Lets face it, the guy lied through his teeth. I understand he can’t go on there and say, “Hey, they chose me”, but why not just go the route of “I can’t say one way or another. Thanks for all the support”? If you honestly believe last week when Jake posted that he didn’t know he was the next “Bachelor”, then I don’t know what to tell you. He knew. And he’s already lying. Already doing what they’re telling him. Really creative of him to try and throw people off and lead them in Reid’s direction. Wow. How long did it take him to come up with that? Or did he even come up with it himself? I’m very curious this season to see how many things he says or does on his own, and how many are orchestrated by the powers that be who are controlling him like a puppet.

And if you think the lying just started, it didn’t. This all started back during Jillian’s season. Let me ask you this: Do any of you honestly believe that after Jillian eliminated Jake, he went home by himself, talked to no one, yet was so infuriated by what he thought was Wes having a girlfriend, that he decided on his own terms, and with the help from NO ONE, that he would try and come back on the show? Really? You do? Cool. I’ve got some land to sell you then. Jake was coerced/approached/nudged by the show, told to come back so they could continue the “Wes has a girlfriend” BS (which was never proven of course), and in return, was given a little nudge of, “Hey, you do this for us, we’ll definitely consider you for the Bachelor.” Problem is, they do that to a lot of the guys. They tell a lot of them, “Hey, do this or do that, and you can be the next Bachelor”. Of course, some guys do and some guys don’t. The bottom line is Jake was chosen because they know they can get him to do whatever they want. Why? Because its been his lifelong dream to be the “Bachelor”.

Has there ever been in a guy in “Bachelor” history that wanted to be the “Bachelor” worse than Jake Pavelka? The answer is no. You heard it straight from Wes’ mouth in one of the interviews I did with him a couple months ago. Jake specifically told him during filming last season that he wanted “America to fall in love with him so he could be the next Bachelor.” (Along with God telling him to come back and confront Jillian about Wes). Of course, plenty of you discredit anything Wes says because you believe the propaganda that the show put out last season, and that’s fine. Just know it’s true. More than one person can corroborate that story. Also, lets not forget this guy is an actor. He has an acting past. It’s not like he couldn’t pull it off. Remember the “Men Tell All” last season when they had a female from the audience (pre-planned of course) ask Jake, “Would you want to be the next ‘Bachelor’”? Remember how he went into his “Oh gosh golly darn gee” routine when answering? Complete B.S. The guy knew he wanted to be the “Bachelor”, lobbied to be the “Bachelor”, and got his wish. So I guess some credit goes to Jake for setting out to achieve a goal, and then getting it.

And holy sh**! “On the Wings of Love”????? That’s what they’re calling this season???? Even Tom Bergeron was chuckling under his breath when he had to announce that last night. What an embarrassment. This brings up quite a dilemma: What was the worst title for a “Bachelor” season? Andy Baldwin’s “An Officer and a Gentlemen”, or Jake Pavelka’s “On the Wings of Love?” Ummmmm, it’s a landslide. “On the Wings of Love” might be the stupidest f***ing thing this show has ever done, and that’s saying a whole hell of a lot. That’s an insult to Jeffrey Osborne. I can’t believe he signed off on that.

As I said last column, I don’t really care who they cast. I’m gonna write my column regardless. But I think this works out well since as boring and goody two-shoes as Jake is, I think this’ll be pure comedy. I’m counting the seconds til this season starts. This guy has already broken the record for most times a “Bachelor” has cried, and the season hasn’t even begun filming. That’s how awesome/awful it will be. It’s funny to hear the reaction from the Jake haters out there. Seriously? Who actually watches this show because of the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” they cast? Very few. You watch the show for the interaction with the Bachelor and the 25 bachelorettes. You watch the show for the cattiness and the fights and the drama. As many people as I hear say, “Oh my God, not Jake! So boring. I’m not watching this season”, I call BS. You’ll watch, just not because of him. Because you love a good train wreck just like everyone else. The show has been the EXACT SAME THING for 18 seasons, and you watched other seasons. What makes this any different? They had some real King Douchenozzles on past seasons and you were watching. So yeah, a couple people turn off their TVs. It’s not like this show is gonna go from 10 million viewers down to 5 million. Not gonna happen. It’s been on 18 seasons now. They know what they’re doing. You’re watching for the formula that the show has produced, not specifically for individual people. And that formula being the fairy tale ending, the cat fights, the drama, the romantic, over-the-top, never-happen-to-normal-couples dates, etc. So I just laugh when people tell me they’re not gonna watch because some person they don’t like was cast. Then why did you watch other seasons? They’re all the same. Every season. Same concept. You’re watching for the story, not the people.

Remember, just because you think Jake is boring and lame, doesn’t mean millions of other people do. Sure, plenty of you dislike Jake and wish Reid or Kiptyn or someone new would’ve been the “Bachelor”. And if Reid were picked, people would complain about him. And Kiptyn, same thing. And if they went with someone new, you’d be complaining why wasn’t it Reid, or Kiptyn, or Jake. The façade that is Jake Pavelka as the “Bachelor” was done for one reason and one reason only: He will do EXACTLY what they tell him to do. Hell, he already did by posting that bogus Facebook status last week when he knew damn well he was the “Bachelor”. I don’t think Reid and Kiptyn were interested in that.

This is a TV show. It’s fake. Nothing about it is real. So they are creating storylines and characters when they cast for this season. Jake fit their “casting” the best. If they were really trying to find true love for Jake, why were the 25 bachelorettes already chosen before they even decided on Jake? Because they don’t care about creating a love story. It’s a television show. If a marriage comes out of it, that’s just a bonus, but it’s certainly not the goal they set out for. They set out for drama. Drama=ratings, ratings=money. 18 seasons and 1 marriage. How could a show be on the air that long if it’s “goal” is to produce a marriage and they’ve done it once? Because people still keep watching, that’s how.

Lets make one thing clear: I don’t hate Jake. Hate is a pretty strong word. I don’t hate anybody. Well, maybe except Speidi. But just because I trash this show on a weekly basis and make fun of the things these people do and say, I don’t hate them. How can I hate someone I don’t even know? I think long time readers of this column (coming up on 8 years now) understand that distinction. However, there are the Johnny-come-latelys (basically everyone that found me after the Jason/Molly/Melissa fiasco), that still don’t quite get me. That’s fine. I’m not for everyone. I get that. But just don’t take everything I say about them so seriously. And I’m talking about when I joke around and poke fun. Some of you get waaaaaaaay too worked up over stuff I say when it’s all for fun and games. I don’t hate these people. Ed, Jillian, Jason, Molly, Jake, Chris Harrison, etc…I don’t know these people on a personal level, so for me to say I despise or hate them would be ridiculous. I don’t. I just tend to look at their behavior on television a little differently than most people and have a forum to express it. That’s all. In the grand scheme of things, they are about as inconsequential as anything. I’ve never understood people that get so worked up over this show and its contestants. Who cares? You’ll probably never meet these people in your life, so what’s the point of worrying about something they did on television? Get over it.

Since a few bachelors from Jillian’s season have been quite outspoken once their season ended, I wanted to see if I could get a reaction from them regarding Jake being announced as the next “Bachelor”. I contacted three people: Reid, Tanner, and Wes.

Reid’s response: “No comment”. Thanks Reid. Try not to be so wordy next time.

Wes told me, “Its no secret Jakes goal was to be the “Bachelor.” He got what he wanted. I wish him the best.” Translation: Don’t let God down. He told you he’ll be watching. Never want to disappoint the big guy.

As for Tanner, he had a field day. Here’s what he had to say:

“Jake as the next bachelor…Hooooray! That is if you like the non-sense of humor, cookie cutter, habitual, systematic, unexceptional type. Jake takes the suspense out of the Bachelor. It’s not going to be a guessing game, everyone will have super power knowledge of 100% predictability of what is to come each and every week w/ Jake. However, that is not my cup of tea. Jake fell hard and way fast for Jilly Bean and he fits right into the hands of what Fleiss and ABC want for this season of The Bachelor…A MARRIAGE!

I can already hear Harrision saying “For the first time in Bachelor history, we have chosen the most conventional, methodical, run-of-the-mill, goofy, and typical All American Boy, Jake. So tune in to find out who he chooses to join his mile high club on this season of “The Bachelor.”

C’mon Tanner. Tell us how you really feel.

I also asked Jeremy Anderson what he thought. His response: “Oh boy”, an obvious mimic of Jake’s favorite catch phrase.

So in closing, I just wanted to say to ABC: Your show is a joke, your new “Bachelor” is a joke, no one should believe a single thing that happens this season is real, and I cannot wait until January 4th to watch this unmitigated disaster of a show begin so I can completely annihilate the farce that it is.

T-minus 82 days and counting. Game on!

I will return Friday with a “Reality Roundup” and other things. Gotta talk about the “Hills”, the “City”, “DWTS”, “Survivor”, the “Ruins”, “Leave it to Lamas”, and a few other tidbits. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.

Administrator The Bachelor 14 - Jake