-So like previous Bachelor finale columns, this one will be a tad shorter since: a) there was a lot of fast forwarding done while watching it, b) there was a lot of fluffiness to the episode, and c) anyone who’s gone on the internet at all in the last three weeks could find out he picked Tessa. So in that sense, it was pretty anti-climactic. However, the finale was not without its cheesy moments, it’s utter ridiculousness, and without its crying. And crying. And more crying. I think even Host Chris cried. He and Andy must’ve had a moment their when they put their head on each others shoulders, got a good strong cry in, with Host Chris telling him, “I wish I could quit you.” Or something like that. Let’s get to the condensed version. I’ll definitely have a little to talk about tomorrow as well since the “After the Final Rose” is airing tonight. Did they even promote that? I fast forwarded a lot tonight, but I don’t remember seeing a commercial for that. Well, it’s airing tonight, so be sure to watch it. More sappiness.

-So each girl visited Andy’s home in Lancaster, PA. His mom, dad, grandfather, grandmother, and sister were there to grill each of them. Dad looks like Pat Buchanan, and grandpa must’ve been an interrogator in a previous life the way he shot questions at each girl. Way to go, old man. Andy’s mom, Cynthia, is definitely ready to marry off her son. Cynthia: “I have sensed that Andy’s ready to have a partner for a while now.” Yes, and his name is Gatsby. Or “Mitch Thrower” if you want to look him up on Wikipedia. That Mitch “Gatsby” Thrower sure has accomplished a lot in his life. If you can actually trust Wikipedia. And who can’t trust such a liable creation like that? I think I’ve seen different variations of my name appear on Wikipedia. Pretty cool how people can just write whatever they want about you with no repercussions. Hey, that’s basically what this column is.

-Cynthia is blown away by Tessa: “Forgive me Tessa for staring at you. You’re just so beautiful.” Hey, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong she is. Tessa’s cute. Beautiful? That might be pushing it a bit. But Cynthia can’t stop her gushing. “Tessa’s bright, poised, very natural, and real.” Um, ok. You can stop now, mom. Just because she’s your future daughter-in-law, doesn’t mean you have to shower her with compliments right now. Take it easy. You’ve known her for 12 minutes. Easy there.

-Andy’s grandpa is a horny old coot. After Tessa leaves the room, gramps gives his thoughts to Andy on the tail that he just brought home. “Back in my day, she would’ve appealed to me too.” Wow. Calm down, old man. I don’t think Viagara works on 80 year olds. Does it? Maybe it does. That’s the only way Hef would be able to pleasure Holly I would imagine. You know, since Kendra and the other chick are too busy having sex with each other. Just someone tell Andy’s grandpa to be careful. Too much blood flow to one region for a man his age can really cause some serious damage. Keep it in your pants, pappy. This one is Andy’s.

-Andy makes his parents share how they met each other, since they’ve been married 36 years, and I guess we’re all supposed to bow down to them or something. Andy’s dad tells the story of how his roommate was dating Andy’s mom’s soon-to-be roommate. It was a double date, they met at the library in the reference section, and he claims it was love at first site. Cynthia says “It took me a while to warm up to you.” I can’t see why. Especially if he had the charm and personality and humor that he handed down to his son. Im surprised you to didn’t go at it right there by the Dewey Decimal system. Do they even have that anymore? I haven’t been in college in 10 years, and frankly, I’ve had no reason to visit a library since I left school. And to be honest, I had no reason to go the library while I was in school either. Do they still have microfilm at the library?

-Grandpa seems to be very interested in asking each of the ladies what religion they were brought up. Since Andy comes from a very conservative, boring, bland, vanilla background, they’re family is not interested in someone who’s wild and crazy and likes to have sex in multiple positions. They are strictly a missionary family. Tessa says she was born and raised Catholic since she was young but hasn’t been practicing. Oh I bet she hasn’t. Little horndog. Are there any Catholics who are actually “practicing” Catholics? I’m certainly not. And frankly, I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Bad boy, I know. Hey, I went to church two Sundays ago. Does that count for anything? No? Oh, ok. Well, I tried.

-Bevin immediately knows her past divorce and tramp stamp might not sit well with the fams. “I know they’re pretty conservative. I just hope I can fit in with them.” Yeah, don’t bank on it, honey. Go over there to religious gramps, give him a big hug, then ask him what he thinks of the lower back tattoo. See if he has a heart attack right on the spot or if doesn’t kick in until you leave. You’re gonna hold off on the tattoo? Ok, then just tell him what project you’re working on for your job right now. Bevin: “I’m actually studying the libido of women who are going through menopause.” Yeah, that’ll drive em’ away. Mom: “I think I’m gonna go start dinner now.” That’s some fascinating project Bevin is working on there. So many times I’ve lost sleep at night staying up trying to figure out why those 55 year old women that I’m constantly hitting on never want to give it up to me. So frustrating. Please Bevin, send me your results. I need to know if its me or just that they have the sex drive of a walnut.

-Grandpa is at it again with the religion question. And Bevin’s answer practically does put him into cardiac arrest.

Bevin: “Well, my parents raised me in the Bahai faith.”
Gramps: “HAH?”
Bevin: “The Bahai faith. We believe in the equality of all people and that sort of thing.”

Ah yes, thank you for the clearer description of what the hell kind of religion that is. “….and that sort of thing?” Good job there. I’m sure they were completely sold after that. I’ve heard of most religions before- I couldn’t tell you what most of them believe in- but I’ve heard of a lot of religions. I had never even heard in passing conversation before of the Bahai faith. Is it derived from Scientology? Will Tom Cruise be arguing with Matt Lauer over it anytime soon? I sure hope so.

-Bevin tells Andy’s family that the moment that she fell for him was during the 3rd rose ceremony. Uh honey, they have no idea about the 3rd rose ceremony. That doesn’t mean anything to them. They weren’t there. Bevin: “When Andy pulled my hair behind my ear well, basically, I felt all mushy inside.” Man, it does not take much to pleasure Bevin apparently. Pull her hair back behind her ears and she might as well just throw her legs in the air, because its on like Donkey Kong. And you knew that the editing crew needed to get that clip in there since at the final rose ceremony, Andy pulls Bevin’s hair behind her ear making everyone think he might pick her. Nope. It was just windy. Damn. That was cold. Might as well have just said, “Psyche!” while you were at it, Andy.

-After the girls leave, it’s just Andy and his family left to gossip about each of the girls. Andy’s mom thinks Andy’s is more connected to Bevin. Clue #1 that Bevin wasn’t getting picked. Well, technically that would’ve been Clue #2. Clue #1 should’ve been the reports on the internet for the last month that Andy picked Tessa. But mom definitely thinks Andy is more connected with Bevin probably because of the new phrase Andy threw out tonight, and that was their “electric connection”. Well, let’s just be thankful where we only have one more episode where the word “connection” will be thrown around. Only a 4 month break before we start hearing that stupid word again. Andy really seems to be into the whole electrical thing with Bevin. Don’t know what that means. Maybe it’s just that there connection is as strong as an electrical current. Or that they need batteries to show their love for each other.

-So Andy gets a last date with Bevin in Hawaii. He takes her on a helicopter that, frankly, she couldn’t stop freaking out over. Kind of annoying. Apparently she doesn’t like flying. And helicopters scared her even more. But man I wish he could’ve put a muzzle on her or something. That was rough. You know what I noticed Andy does a lot? He likes picking his girls up and swinging them around. Now, maybe I’m going to be incriminating myself when I say this, but what the hell? I’ve been in love before. I’ve had girlfriends before. However, I don’t think I’ve ever once picked up my girlfriend and swung her around. Is that why I’m single? Is that what’s been missing from my repertoire this whole time? I haven’t perfected the “picking-her-up-and-swinging-her-around” affectionate hug yet? Hmmmm….maybe I should try that and see what happens. Don’t most women not like being picked up? Isn’t it some form of vulnerability that they don’t like? Or am I missing something?

-During Bevin’s date, Andy pretty much forces her to tell him if this is what she wants. You know, moving to Hawaii, being the girlfriend of a military man, and never getting to the altar with him. She’s sold. Bevin: “This is what I want. I want this with you.” Well, at least Andy knew he had one “yes” to fall back on in case he couldn’t get any answers out of Tessa. Good ploy, Andy. I’m sure you completely blindsided Bevin with that one. Yep, you did. Bevin: “Andy and I are on the same page. And I’ve never been like that with anyone before.” Oh c’mon, honey. I don’t ex-hubby Pablo would be too pleased to hear that. You are just spitting in the face of Pablo and your 5 year marriage when you say something as ridiculous as that. You’ve known the guy six weeks for christ sakes. Shutup.

-Bevin buys Andy a gift to show her love for him. It’s an underwater watch that he can wear when their making out in the Jacuzzi. Why’d she get him the watch? Well, for one, he got her a watch earlier this season, which I had totally forgotten. Probably for lack of giving a crap. But also because she “wishes that I can make this moment stand still.” And the watch represented the time standing still. Get it? I did. And tears streamed down my face like a child who just fell off his bike. Yes, it was quite a touching moment to say the least. Time. Standing still. A watch. Breathtaking really.

-And if you thought that put me to tears, this next exchange almost had me balled up in the fetal position.

Bevin: “Lt. Andrew James Baldwin. I love you.”
Andy: “You serious?”
Bevin: “I’m dead serious.”

Bevin even says to the camera, “there’s no chance in hell I’ll be without a rose at the final rose ceremony.” That was probably Clue #3 she wasn’t winning. Usually someone who’s that confident gets put back in their place. Good effort though, Bevin. Thanks for playing. There are some nice parting gifts for you in the limo. Some lotions, perfumes, soaps, a relationship book, a teddy bear, some Bon Bons, a vibrator – you know – all the essentials a single woman needs as she heads back home to enjoy single hood, divorcee style.

-Tessa’s final date in Hawaii wasn’t nearly as exciting. This is where I started the majority of my fast forwarding. So I apologize if I missed anything important while they were riding on the backs of horses. I’m sure that was riveting television. Back at the hotel, she tells him, “I feel like when I’m with you…..it’s just right.” Awwwwww dammit! You don’t know how bad I wanted her to tell him that when she’s with him, she feels that time stands still. How cool would that have been? And then she presents him with another watch that he could wear on his other wrist. And then he could’ve pretended that Bevin didn’t say the same exact thing to him the night before and buy him the same exact gift. Darn. The good times we missed out on.

-She did buy him a gift though attached with a card. After he read the card, I think I fast forwarded because I didn’t write down in my notes here what the gift was. Oops. Like it matters. She could’ve given him a seashell that she found 20 seconds before he walked in the door and he was still picking her. But the card was very sincere. It read something like: “You’re the best thing that could’ve come into my life right now…..Don’t want to continue this without you…..Don’t want to go back to the life I was living before I met you.” Whoa. Can we get an explanation on that? What did that mean? Was she a homeless person? A prostitute? Drug addict? Who says that unless they were a panhandler or running from the law? That was a very curious statement to make to your future husband.

-The next 15 minutes was wasted on Andy going to buy the ring and the girls putting their makeup and dresses on and crying. A lot. Andy chose between a emerald cut diamond ring, a cushion cut diamond ring, or a round cut diamond. He chose the round. And the minute he picked it, I started going with the “30 second skip” on Tivo. C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon…let’s get a move on here. Don’t need to see all this pomp and circumstance. Let’s get to the good stuff. Dump the one you told you loved yesterday and let’s see her reaction. Bevin is in for a rude awakening I tell ya’. I surely wouldn’t want to be her right about now. For as much grief as I give the Bachelors on this show, I say it every finale, and I’ll continue to say it. I give them credit for somehow managing to dump these girls right to their face on national television. I certainly couldn’t do it. Then again, I wouldn’t do the show to begin with, but that’s another story for another day. I do not envy the position Andy is in by any means. Especially when the chick youre dumping has the ability to body slam you into the pool.

-Time for Bevin to get punched right in the gut. Andy: “You are so beautiful…..electric connection….courage and strength….open up to me….I love you too….finest line between somebody I love and somebody I love (wait, did he just drop the “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” line on her?)….hardest decision I’ve ever had to make….this is not a rejection (It’s not? Then what exactly would it be? A proposal?)…There’s somebody who’s touched my heart deeper (Ouch. That’s gotta sting a little bit)…..and I….(sniff, sniff)…you’re beyond amazing. You need to know that…..” Wow. Tough times. That was not pleasant to watch. I seriously thought Bevin was going to slug him right in the face. The look in her eyes made me think she’d do something crazy. One last time before he put her in the limo. “I will never, ever forget you. O.k.?” I don’t think Bevin ever uttered a word back to him.

-In the limo, Bevin starts throwing the pity party for herself. “I should’ve known this is how it was gonna end….I said things to him I normally don’t say to guys…..I couldn’t believe he was rejecting me….love somebody and they don’t love you back….it’s painful….This happens to me all the time….story of my life.” Huh? You go on reality shows all the time, make it to the final two, and get dumped? This happens to you all the time? Were you on “Flavor of Love” or something? I wonder why guys keep dumping Bevin according to her? Hmmmm….someone needs to get to the bottom of this. Bevin Nicole Powers, you will find your man someday. I guarantee it. Why don’t you give Pablo a call for some ex sex? I’m sure he’d be down after you dissed him on national television. Give it a try.

-Tessa’s up. Time to bring us to the moment we’ve all been waiting for since she told that corny ass joke the first night out of the limo. “You’re everything I’ve been looking for…..elegant, sophisticated….feel like a king….so much in common….you know what’s special about today? It’s just you and me now…..I’ve always imagined this day…it’s beyond my wildest dreams….Will you marry me?” Tessa said yes. Let the countdown begin before these two break up. I give it 3 months. And that might be a little generous. I would be SHOCKED if these two got married. SHOCKED. But hey, let them enjoy their little moment in the sun, let them rub it in Bevin’s face in the “After the Final Rose” show tonight, and I’ll be back tomorrow with my closing thoughts. Until then….

The Bachelor Links

Administrator The Bachelor 10 - Andy The Bachelor 10

-You know, just when you think you’ve heard enough about the whole Amber/Principal/resignation story, now comes this: Apparently the principal is having 2nd thoughts….again. First, she was reassigned to a different school, and decided to take it. Then changed her mind and said, “Screw you, I’m not going anywhere, you can fire me, or I’m resigning, one or the other.” Well, she resigned, as I told you last week. At least so we thought. Now comes word the principal has rescinded her resignation letter. Good God. Make up your mind already. You’re the principal at a middle school. What are you raking in a year, $30-35K? I’m sure it won’t be hard to go somewhere else and make that coin. Just when you do, don’t let any of your female teachers take a leave of absence to go be on the “Coyote Ugly Search”. I’m sure some parents will find that offensive, although I don’t see why. Dancing on bars in daisy dukes for a living is definitely someone who should be looked up to. I applaud them. Especially if they’re not wearing any underwear. Way to go, Amber. You created this mess. Let’s get started….

-We start off with Andy really contemplating what a tough situation he’s currently in: Three women wanting to bone him and he not having any sexual desires for females. We get a shot of him in his elements – surfing, sitting on rocks, driving his jeep – you know, all the normal stuff we all do in the Navy. Andy: “It’s not about yachts, it’s not about sports cars, it’s about being a US Naval officer.” Really? Then why are you on the show? Couldn’t you meet someone a different way than being force fed 25 desperate women who’ve failed at love already numerous times they had to resort to reality television? Really? This is what it’s about, huh? Well, count me in as a skeptic. I certainly don’t see it. And by the rumors flying around the internet, let’s just say, the “Bachelor” streak is still intact. I know this show is geared towards females. And I know you really, truly, with all your heart, want to see some sappy love story come out of this show, but please, lower your expectations. I really hope no one out there in TV Land watches this show with the hopes that two people will fall madly in love and get married and stay together for 100 years. Please don’t tell me you do.

-So before Andy gets each of the girls on solo dates, he must show each of them separately to show them a bit of what he does. Uh oh. Here comes Andy the tour guide again. Geesh. I think they could’ve edited this part out, saved us a little time, and spared us the history lesson. But no, they didn’t. So Andy is in full Richard Gere uniform as he awaits each girl. First girl up is Bevin. Andy immediately gives her a lei and starts in on his “Pearl Harbor 101” class. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. There’s a reason I didn’t pay attention to this in 7th grade history class. Can’t these two just go rent “Pearl Harbor” for the night? Andy: “Here’s the U.S.S. Arizona….1,177 people lost their lives…” Look, I know Pearl Harbor was a historical event, and maybe there were some that had family directly, or indirectly involved in it. I just don’t need to learn about it on a reality dating show. Save it for the History Channel doing a 100 hour documentary. For me, let’s get on with the corny jokes, the divorce stories, and the hot tub scenes.

-Danielle was up next. She informs Andy that her Grandma was a nurse during Pearl Harbor. So I guess this trip means a little bit more to her than it does to others. All the more reason why she’ll be thoroughly disappointed in the end. Andy tells her about a tradition where you take the flowers off your lei and throw them in the water as a sign of peace. Or that the lei is ugly and it’s itching you. So Danielle does this and I guess all is right with the world now. There is peace. Or something like that. I was kinda dozing off at this point, so I’m sorry if my details are a little sketchy. However, you know what the best part about these scenes were? All the tourists in the background looking over at Andy showing three different chicks the same thing. I wonder what was going through their heads. “Hey, look at this man whore over there in his white suit trying to get laid. Do all these women know about each other? I’m gonna go over there and c***block him.” Man, if only someone would’ve stepped up and done that.

-Tessa’s little visit was the most interesting. Why? Because when these two were standing on the ship, or wherever the hell they were, a little girl came up beside them to throw flowers in the water. A little different from Danielle though. Danielle lightly let them float down into the water. This little girl was throwing fastballs like she was trying to spear fish with them. Very touching, missie. Have some respect. Anyway, all the while she’s chucking flowers, Andy is having a premonition. Andy: “While this little girl was right next to us, all I could think of was ‘Husband, wife, child.’” Oh boy. If only the little girl could’ve heard him say that. She might’ve jumped overboard. So last week he tells Tessa, “I want to fall in love with you”, and this week, he’s visioning them as husband and wife. With a little bratty child being a nuisance and disrespecting the deceased. Funny, I haven’t heard him speak that way about Bevin or Danielle. The internet is never wrong.

-So Tessa’s date is up first and they are going Zip lining through the rainforest. Weeeeeeeee!!!!! Tessa is a little scared, so they rock, paper, scissors to see who’s up first. Tessa goes paper, Andy goes scissors. Tessa: “Ok, you’re up.” Uh, no honey. Scissors cut paper. Can we just eliminate rock, paper, scissors as a way of deciding something once and for all? Apparently Tessa is confused and because of her rich, powerful, Washington, D.C. father, has never cut paper before with scissors. However, I don’t think my wish is going to be granted after seeing over the weekend that there is now a Rock, Paper, Scissors National Championship Tournament that ESPN televises. No joke. Let me tell you something. If you’re a guy, and you entered this tournament, there’s a good chance you will never get laid again in your life. And if you happen to be a woman who entered herself into this competition, frankly, you should not be allowed to bear children. It’s only a matter of time now before The National Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Championships come to a network near you. Count on it.

-Tessa zip lines like a spaz – kicking her legs all around like she’s twelve. This was disturbing. I really felt sorry for her. Like, maybe she did ride to school on the short yellow bus and I’m being overly critical of her. Regardless of her spastic kicking, Andy is digging it. “I totally love that rough and tumble side of Tessa. I like how she’s up for anything.” So wait, we’ve now moved from the “down and dirty” to “rough and tumble”? Isn’t that essentially the same phrase without being repetitive? Andy is a man of many words. Tessa apparently likes to rough it a bit and do a lot of tumbling. Whatever. I hope she zip lines herself right into a tree. Then we’ll see how roughing and down and tumbling and dirty she is. I think this is just Andy’s way of trying to convince us why he’s been enamored with Tessa since day one. I still don’t see it.

-Corny Joke Alert: Andy and Tessa begin walking across the very shaky suspension bridge. And the horrible metaphors couldn’t have started in any faster. “I think this bridge is a metaphor for our relationship. We need to support each other.” I saw it as a metaphor, but in quite a different way. More along the lines of there were a lot of holes in the bridge. Want some more? Well, the bridge was also very shaky. Wasn’t very stable. Had a lot of cracks in it. Didn’t know how to kiss. I could go on, but I think you get the point. If Andy and Tessa really want to point to a suspension bridge as a metaphor for their relationship, then by golly, why don’t they just call it off right now and save us a two hour finale. Please.

-It’s now night time and time for Andy and Tessa’s dinner date. I can’t remember what Tessa was wearing, but Andy definitely went Tony Manero on us with his “Saturday Night Fever” black shirt with white jacket. Are they going to the disco? Who the hell dressed him like this? It’s Hawaii pal, not Studio 57. So these two lovebirds do a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing, then some more talking, and Tessa reveals to us a little something about survival skills. Somehow the topic of conversation got on to “What would you do if you were swimming with sharks?” Don’t ask me how, it just did. Tessa’s answer: “If a shark is coming at you, you know what you do? You turn around, wind up, and then punch it in the face.” I just punched myself in the face. 10 times. I’m literally breaking out in hives watching these two trying to be cute with each other. Blech….

-Uh oh….here it comes….Andy’s reaching into his pocket….(wait for it, wait for it)…..it’s a card! Oooohhhhh! The suspense! I wonder what it says? Andy: “Before I left, Chris gave me this note. It reads: “Tessa and Andy, I hope you’re having a wonderful time in Hawaii and not boring the viewing audience at home. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key as a token of our appreciation, to boink as a couple in our fantasy suite with soundproof walls.” Andy then went Joey Tribbiani when asking, “So whaddya’ say?” Wait a second, didn’t all the teases up to this point hint that maybe Tessa was having 2nd thoughts about staying the night? A brilliant editing job by the folks at ABC. Bravo. Tessa’s answer almost came out of her mouth before Andy finished his sentence. “There’s nothing in the world that’d make me happier.” Oh yes there is. Spending the night with a straight man would probably be a good start.

-So Tessa admits to us that she is falling in love with Andy. Sure she is. She’s not falling in love with being in Hawaii, or getting to wear $2 million of jewelry, or going on lavish dates, or going zip lining in rain forests, or drinking champagne in a bubble bath…..no, she’s totally past all that. She’s just in love with Andy. Because he’s so charming and endearing and personable and…..ok, that’s enough. Stop rolling the cameras. How about you two head on over to the Olive Garden in jeans and flip flops, get horrible service by your waiter, get stiffed on your breadsticks, and having a crying baby at the table next to you, then tell me if you’re falling in love with Andy. My guess? No. This show really tugs at your heart strings, doesn’t it? I just cannot for the life of me pretend for a millisecond that this show will ever produce anything substantial. Both the success stories they’ve had have BIG asterisks next to them. Trista and Ryan. That’s not a normal relationship. Why? Because we refer to them as Trista and Ryan. Trista is ALWAYS first in that relationship. He’s just her lap dog, so that doesn’t count. Byron and Mary? Hell, Byron’s 40 and Mary’s biological clock is ticking. I would hope these two get married. And is there a reason they’ve been engaged for like two years and still haven’t tied the knot? I’m just waiting for this one to send out a press release any day now with the term “mutually decided to part ways” in there.

-Danielle’s turn to visit Andy in his element. They go out on a boat and look at the dolphins and hump back whales having sex in the water. That was fun. Danielle: “I think dolphins are one of my favorite animals.” Awwww….so Danielle watched “Flipper” growing up. How cute. So did I. How come Flipper made the exact same sound every time they asked him a question? And I forgot, but what was the point of that show? It was always as if because of Flipper, problems got solved. But how could they if he’s in the water all the time and they’re on land? If little Tommy was having girl problems, exactly how did some dolphin help him? Or if little pig tailed girl got yelled at by dad, somehow Flipper made it all better. What a confusing show for young children. “Dolphins can be your friend.” Really? Well, not if you don’t live near the ocean they can’t. Exactly what can a dolphin do for me if I’m growing up in the suburbs of Orange County? Gimmie a more realistic show like “Gentle Ben”. You know, where the big, giant, grizzly bear can become your BFF.

-Danielle and Andy start in on some deep conversation. And when I say “deep”, I mean “dead ex-boyfriend” stuff. Although I don’t remember this from earlier in the season, apparently Danielle had told Andy about a psychic that she recently visited who told her that after her ex’s death, she will have two more serious relationships, then the third one will be the one. And by golly, wouldn’t you know, since her ex’s demise, Danielle has had two serious relationships that have ended, and Andy is #3. Oh honey. I’m so sorry. In case you haven’t heard my rant on psychics, well, just stick around for the next couple of paragraphs. “Love lift us up where we belong…..” If last night wasn’t a prime example of why anyone who spends five cents on psychic is wasting their money, then I don’t know what else to tell you. Oh yes, I do. I’m officially opening up a service now where you give me $500, I open up a deck of cards, flip a couple over, then run some B.S. at you about what’s gonna happen in your life.

-So for their dinner date, Andy has added a third chair because he’s brought in a local Hawaiian psychic to get Danielle’s hopes up and feed her tons of hogwash. And when I say “local Hawaiian psychic”, I mean, “the crazy woman over at Venice beach that the ABC crew flew over to the islands on their dime”. The psychic immediately starts in with her load of crap. “I’m not going to be telling you about your future…I’m just going to give you clarity on your present.” Really? You’re not? You mean, you can’t see into the future and tell us things before they happen like Desmond? I’ll be damned. A honest psychic. So this psychic somehow, by use of a 52 card deck of playing cards, can tell Danielle’s state of mind. I honestly feel insulted by watching this sh**. “There’s a lot of nuturing going on in your life….from now on, something new is entering your life….wonderful communicator….there’s some sadness left from some losses in the past…a little apprehension you may be having…” Wooooooooooooowwwwww!!!!! She’s good. She said exactly what the producers told her to say, word for word. That’s the sign of a good psychic.

-Look, let me tell you what a fraud this woman, or any psychic is, for that matter. So lady psychic says she can tell a lot about Danielle’s current state of mind by opening up her deck of cards, then just flipping some over, right? Ok, how about when she’s done with that session, she puts all the cards back in the deck, shuffles them, then re-flips the cards over for Danielle. Now you’re telling me it’s going to be exactly the same? That the same eight of hearts, and Queen of spades, and Jack of diamonds, will all show up in the same formation as the first time she did it? Of course not. But you can bet your ass no matter what cards she flips over a 2nd time, the same load of horse manure will come spewing out of her mouth. Before my blood pressure reaches 300 over 50 (is that even possible?), let’s just stop. If you pay money to have a psychic tell you anything, you are not a smart individual. I’ll just leave it at that.

-Andy asks psychic lady, “Will I be engaged in a week?” She runs some crap back to him about letting love decide rather than letting fear decide. This is very powerful to Andy. And of course, this dillweed acts as if this is some bit of advice that he couldn’t have gotten from anywhere else. Not even Tina’s fortune cookies. This show is really coming to a grinding halt, and fast. Time for Andy to bust out the bent card from Host Chris that he scrunched up in his back pocket all day. “Andy and Danielle, I hope you’re having a wonderful time in Hawaii and not buying any of that bogus nonsense the psychic we paid has to say. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite, where you can use the psychic’s same deck of cards to play a few games of Texas Hold Em’. And have sex.”

-Time for Andy and Bevin’s date in the wilderness. Andy: “I love Bevin’s sense of adventure.” Is she more of a rough and tumbler than Tessa is? I’d say so. So these two begin kayaking down the beautiful brown water. Looked like they were on the “Jungle Cruise” at Disneyland. I was waiting for some fake hippo to pop out of the water and scare them. But Bevin is right in her element. “I love being alone in the wilderness.” That didn’t make much sense. We all know Bevin liked to take her high school boyfriends out into the woods for some slurpy slurpy. You know, the older guy, with the pickup truck and a mullet, laying out the sleeping bag, blasting a little Warrant or Whitesnake while making babies in the back of the truck. Man I wish we could see a picture of Bevin’s ex-husband. C’mon. Someone’s got to know him. Someone’s gotta at least draw a picture of him or something, don’t they? And I’d love to see any wedding photos if possible please.

-After kayaking, Andy turns into Mr. Question Man to Bevin. In succession, he asks five rapid fire questions, barely giving her time to answer. They were:

“Isn’t this paradise?”
“Wouldn’t you love to live here?”
“Would you like to live here?”
“Would you love to live here?”
“Would you love to live here with me?”

Ummmm, Andy. Aren’t four of those questions pretty much exactly alike? Exactly what answer were you looking for? Quit fishing for compliments. It’s unbecoming of a Naval Officer. Now I’m only going to ask this one last time…..“DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED????!!!!!!!”

-These two are now about to go cliff diving and rip off the scene from “Cocktail” where the then sane Tom Cruise makes out under the waterfall with the smoking hot Elizabeth Shue. My oh my, how times have changed. Now, we all knew Bevin had the tattoo on the back of her shoulder, but now with her bikini on, we see she also has the patented, “I’m-from-Seattle-and-rebelled-against-my-parents-by-getting-married-early-and-getting-the-tramp-stamp-on-my-lower-back” tattoo. Seeing that Bevin has a tramp stamp was about as surprising as, well, nothing. Bevin is giddy. “I have never met another guy like Andy in my life.” Except for that one guy you were once married to. You know, the one who you exchanged vows with and said “til’ death do us part”. You know, that guy? So quit you’re lying.

-Andy is very excited about he and Bevin’s dinner date because “I’m not sure if I’ve gotten to know her on a deeper level.” Oh, don’t worry. You will. She’s very slutty. So these two head on over to a mini Luau where they watch a fire dancer. Now, I’ve been to a Luau before. And I’ve seen fire dancers before. I remember them being big, hulking, muscular Samoan guys. Was there not enough money in the ABC budget that they had to bring in this 45 year old white, balding, guy with the beer gut? I’m shocked he didn’t use that thing as a shish kebab. Andy is right on point with Corny Joke #2 for the night: “For lack of a better term, that was hot.” I have a request. Can someone take that stick of fire that fatso is playing with there and go spear Andy with it?

-Time for Andy to whip it out. The card from Host Chris, that is. “Andy and Bevin, I hope you’re having a wonderful time at your Luau watching Fatty McFat Boy jiggle his belly for you. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite, where you may try and give Bevin the big “O” she’s been waiting for the last six weeks.” Bevin: “I definitely want to accept the fantasy suite offer, in the hopes that we can continue the conversation, and you can get to know to me better. There’s definitely passion there, but I want to also build the other aspect of our relationship.” I’m dead serious, she said that. I even paused and rewound the Tivo three times to make sure I got it word for word. She actually asked to use the fantasy suite as a place to continue their “conversation about getting to know each other better.” If it was possible for Andy to get a hard on for a woman, he just lost it. Nothing will deflate the balloon more than going to the “let’s just talk” card. Oye.

-Andy is really, really confused right now. He has three women, and two roses, and has no idea who he’s sending home. So he does what anyone would do who’s in his situation, he calls on his best friend to help him out. Or in this case, his lover. Finally. Seven episodes in, and we finally get to meet Andy’s life partner, Gatsby. Yes, Gatsby. His parents must’ve been huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fans to embarrass their son with a name like that. God help them. So, even though “To Kill a Mockingbird” hasn’t met, seen, emailed, texted, or spoken to any one of these three women, he’s somehow supposed to help Andy with his decision? Explain to me how that works? And c’mon, isn’t “Great Expectations” a little biased here? You know, being Andy’s lover and all? Are we really expecting him to be objective in this situation? I mean, please. Let’s be real here. “Of Mice and Men” is there for one reason and one reason only. Butt sex. Andy is tense. He’s there to loosen him up. And I can’t believe I just insinuated that. Well, yes I can.

-Andy and the Great Gatsby really accomplish nothing other than a wasted 10 minute segment, so now it’s on to the Rose Ceremony. This is where Host Chris just plays chauffeur escorting the ladies from the car to the little spot on the ground where the “X” is. He knows he has no lines tonight, so he has to justify receiving a paycheck for this somehow. Andy: “Amazing few days…..any man would be thrilled to have any of you by his side….I have two roses towards finding love…..whichever one of you doesn’t receive one, I suggest you re-activate your E-Harmony account when you get back to the mainland.”

Bevin: I want Bevin to win now, so when they’re on the altar, and they ask, “If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now, or forever hold your peace”, her ex-hubby can pop out of nowhere and cause a scene. It won’t happen. Cuz she’s doesn’t win.

Tessa: You know what would be crazy? Is if Tessa rejects Andy’s proposal, but they still remain a couple. How wild would that be?

-Time for Andy’s farewell speech to Danielle. Really not much he can say. “You’re amazing…..think the world of you….nothing I can pinpoint….just need to follow my heart.” Good. Let her go. She’s not for you anyway. Now seeing that the other two bachelorettes in my Top 3 are taken, maybe someone should float my name, number, address, social security number, and checking account information Danielle’s way. I can’t imagine that she could possibly turn down what I have to offer. Which is practically everything. And by “everything”, I mean “not much at all”.

-Danielle: “I have trouble thinking about not seeing some that I care about ever again…..At least this time I had a little closure.” Whoa. That’s rough. Hey, remember the psychic Danielle saw before she came on the show? The one who told her she’d have two serious relationships after her ex’s death, and then the third one would be the one? And Andy was #3. Remember that? WRONG! And hey, remember the psychic her and Andy saw on this date, and she told her all those nice and sweet things to make Danielle think that this was really going to work out with Andy? Remember her? WRONG! I hope there’s not a single psychic that is still in business after last night’s show.

-Yet another reason why I like Danielle. Did you catch her goodbye in the limo? One of the better ones we’ve seen. Yeah, she was crying, but she wasn’t blubbering on and on and on about how it didn’t make any sense to her, and she had her heart broken, and she didn’t understand how Andy could let her go, and yada, yada, yada. Especially for being the second runner up. She handled it very well. Kind of like, “Oh well. There are bigger and better fish in the sea.” You bet your ass there is, honey.

-Ok, finale next week. And with it being two hours, I really don’t know if I will be doing a full recap. I usually try to make it a bit shorter than usual since a lot of it is pomp and circumstance about how Andy and his bride are so in love and all that nonsense when we know they’ll eventually break up. But Dr. Reality Steve is here to help. I’ve current got three letters set to print, but I’d like a couple more. So send any questions, queries, comments, praises, criticisms, Danielle’s phone number, to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…

The Bachelor Links

Administrator The Bachelor 10 - Andy The Bachelor 10

-For those that haven’t heard, it was brought up a couple weeks ago that Amber’s principal at her school got in trouble for letting Amber appear on the show, and that the principal was being reassigned to another school. Well, the principal decided to quit outright, rather than be relegated to caving in to the school district and going somewhere else. Please. I don’t get why that’s such a big deal. However, with that said, I’m still surprised Amber kept her job. I mean, if you’re gonna fire one, you gotta fire the other, don’t you? Makes no sense to me. Either discipline them both, or don’t discipline either of them. I wouldn’t do anything because the whole thing is ridiculous, but, since they’ve let the principal go, I think you gotta do something to Amber. But hey, I don’t work for the school district. Not my call. Remind me never to go work for the Sugar Land school district. What a bunch of hard asses. Ok, let’s begin…

-The show starts off in very dramatic fashion – Andy driving his $1 billion car around town in his burnt orange leather jacket. The coolness is just oozing from my television set. If I only had an Oingo Boingo poster on the wall and “Take my Breath Away” was playing in the background could this scene be set any better. Andy gives us his thoughts on the four remaining women…

Tessa: “I knew from the beginning, Tessa was a dynamic woman.” How? The first sentence out of her mouth to you was some lame ass joke about two muffins talking to each other in the oven. Tessa’s downside is that she hasn’t opened up like the other girls and seems a bit skeptical. Uhhhh, yeah. Just wait til you get to D.C., Andy. Skeptical is that family’s middle name. And her best friend might be in the F.B.I. the way she’s investigating Andy’s motives.

Danielle: Yet again, Andy informs us as he did last week that Danielle is the “most invested of all the girls left. I feel her heart so much when I talk to her.” And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know this, both of them had a tragic loss in their life. She lost an ex-boyfriend while in bed, and he lost an uncle or something. But Andy is trying to figure out if he and Danielle are just friends or lifelong partners. No, you and your college buddy that watch “Heat” together on your date are lifelong partners. Danielle is just a girl on this show. Don’t worry, when you read the latest “Dr. Reality Steve” letters, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yes, I’ve finally put them up. They appear right after this column.

Amber: “I can’t get over the fact that she’s only 23. I really don’t date younger women.” Please, Andy. Don’t be so judgmental. Keep an open mind. Just wait til you get to Sugar Land, Texas to meet her big, huge, fun-filled family. Then that’ll really change your mind. That would consist of one of the more dingiest friends you’ll ever meet and some random Aunt they seemed to force to show up. Good times.

Bevin: “Every time I see her, I feel this current. I’m constantly impressed with Bevin, the athletic side, her interaction with children….it just gets better and better with Bevin.” Funny how for the first three girls, he made sure he listed one red flag about them, but for Bevin, she was the most perfect woman ever. No flaws whatsoever. Except for that minor little detail she’s about to drop on him in Seattle, you know, where she went off and got married as a teen. He might lose his hard on over that one. Be careful.

-Bevin is waiting for him in Seattle and jumps in his arms and straddles him when he arrives. Definitely a sign of things to come, if you ask me. And because Andy is giddy that a female is straddling him, he lets his first cheesy line since, well, last week. “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh shut the hell up. Couldn’t you think of a better line than that? How about “She’s keeping something secret, I think her ex husbands name was Evan, what a lying bitch, that’s what I think of Bevin.” There. Much better. Bevin takes him to some waterfalls she used to hang at when she was a kid. Andy: “So I’m the first boy you brought to the waterfall.” Uhhhh, not quite pal. See those rocks over there under the waterfall? See what a great view it is over there and how romantic it is? Yeah, Bevin went down on her ex husband over there on numerous occasions. Take that.

-So its time to spill the beans to Andy. Bevin is really nervous. And crying. That’s kind of a theme for this whole hometown visit – Bevin crying. A lot. Here she goes: “We’ve all had a past….when I was a teenager, I was very stubborn….did stuff my parents didn’t want me to do….I was married….it didn’t last long….it shaped me….made me who I am….I’m stronger for it….I know now what it takes to make relationships work….” On and on and on she went with the divorcee mantra. Just once, I want to hear someone who got married early and divorced say, “You know, for the life of me, I absolutely did the right thing. And I haven’t learned a damn thing from that marriage. I am by far a worse person now than before I married that man. I’m a complete mess and have no idea what its like to be in a meaningful relationship. Hope you can deal with that.” I guess if you’re divorced, all you can really say is how much you learned from it. Otherwise, whoever you’re with, you’re probably not going to be with much longer. Yay divorced people. Is there like a mass email that passed around among divorcees that all say the same thing about what to say when talking about your divorce? Just curious.

-Bevin was very emotional after telling Andy about her failed marriage. I was thoroughly disappointed we didn’t get any more details on this breakup. All we know is she’s 28, she’s been divorced for six years, and she married him in her teens. It didn’t last very long and she did it against her parents wishes. Showing obviously what a great family person Bevin really is. Kind of ironic that this was the same girl last week crying to Amber telling her how she just couldn’t believe that the guy she’s dating has an interest in a 23 year old because they don’t know what they want. Yet here’s Bevin the Magnificent eloping in her teens and is divorced by 22. Yep, she’s the whole package all right. I just hope Andy can see through all this mess and look at her only as the emotional train wreck that she is.

-So we get to meet Bevins family: Mom Ahh-na, Step mom Vicki, sister Ohh-na, and Dad Ken. Sisters Bevin and Ohh-na look alike. And the parents were obviously on something when naming their children. Ahh-na and Ohh-na. How cute. Not really. Andy brings Ahh-na flowers and coffee from Hawaii and tells the parents what an amazing daughter they have. This after just finding out from the amazing daughter that she went against her parents wishes as a teenager and married young. I think Andy is still in a state of denial that Bevin did that. It’s like he’s really wanting to forget another man once carried her up to the suite on their honeymoon night and had monkey sex with her. How will Andy duplicate something like that? Especially since he has no clue what to do with a woman? I think this is going to be a major sticking point with Andy.

-Sister Ohh-na asks, “Where does it go from here?” Andy: “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask her? I mean, if I propose, is she just gonna marry me then divorce me in a few years? Is that how it works in this family? Because if it is, I don’t want to be a part of this. None of it! I’m leaving.” Ok, he didn’t really say that. But boy would that have been a hoot if he did. Bevins mom, touched by all Andy has had to offer at this point which was basically nothing, gives them a painting of the Northwest, then hugged Andy. Yeah, Bevin cried. This means a lot to her. Because the ex-hubby never got such a gracious gift before. He was relegated to sleeping by himself on the couch during family weekend visits, and wasn’t allowed to touch their daughter in their home. So you can see why mom is so happy with Bevins new boyfriend. He wants no part of touching her inappropriately.

-Bevin goes off to talk with her dad. Dad: “Do you love him?” Bevin: “I like him, I can’t lie. When would I ever meet someone like that?” Bevin’s crying again. Her emotional fuse is about an 1/8th of an inch long, in case you haven’t noticed. Even dad is getting in on the act now. He’s welling up with just the thought of his daughter marrying this bohunk. Dad: “Bevin’s tired of getting her heart broken.” Oh yeah, well that’s life, pops. It happens. Won’t be her first, won’t be her last. Maybe it’ll toughen her up for future relationships. A very touching moment with Bevin and her dad is ruined when Andy comes in and starts laughing at them. Oh wait, that was me. Sorry. On his way out, Andy makes sure he tells the family what he thinks of Bevin. “You have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful daughter.” Three wonderfuls? Really? What, one for each family member? What makes her three “wonderfuls” worthy? I certainly must’ve missed something.

-Now to a more refreshing date, and that’s with Danielle in Connecticut. And within four seconds of them meeting up, we are re-introduced to the “We share something in common theme – we both had people close to us die” storyline. Hey, at least she didn’t drop any divorce bombs on him this trip. He can finally stop thinking about that mess and concentrate on becoming lifelong partners with Danielle, and not just friends. Actually, that sounds like I’m rooting for these two, and I’m not. I certainly don’t want her ending up with this pud. Remember, Danielle is in my Top 3 of all time. And I figured out why. She’s attractive, she never caused any drama in the house, isn’t an emotional head case, family seems normal with normal names, and doesn’t seem to have many issues. Sure, her ex died and she keeps bringing it up. But compared to the looney bins who have appeared on this show before her, and most certainly will appear after her, she seems almost too normal for this show. And that’s why she moved into my Top 3. There. You got your reason. And I’m not ready to reveal who the third is in that group yet.

-So we meet Danielle’s dad Jim, mother Nancy, and sister Kaitlin. Danielle is very happy to be back home because, well, ummmm, that’s where she still lives. Oops. Strike one. Twenty-five year old still living at home raises a red flag, doesn’t it? Now, because she’s in my top 3, I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation as to why that’s the case. I just don’t have the faintest idea what that could be. But that’s ok. That’s ok. I’m a very understanding person and will not hold that against her. I can think of one thing I will hold against her though. I completely just ruined that moment, didn’t I? Damn. Please accept my apology, Danielle. I’ll never be that crass and piggish again. I promise.

-Danielle’s dad is a very stern man, with very strong morals and principles. You can just tell by the vibe that he gives off. And that bald head with the hair on each side is kinda freaky but it shows who’s in charge here. “As a father, I’m the provider and protector….she deserves the best….she’ll give you 1000%”. Yes, sir. Don’t ever cross Mr. Imwalle. Yes, that’s Danielle’s last name. Along with Amber Alchalabi, Bevin Powers, and Tessa Horst. Whatever the case, Mr. Imwalle would like nothing better than his daughter to become the next Mrs. Lt. Danielle Baldwin. Because who wouldn’t want their name to be one syllable away from one of the worst C-list actors our entertainment industry has ever seen? Which one is Daniel Baldwin? Is he the drunk or the bible thumper? Or is he both? Whatever he is, at least he doesn’t shout down his 12 year old daughter on her voice mail. I can never look at Jack Donaghy the same.

-Danielle’s mom is concerned about her daughter moving to Hawaii. You know, because mommy still makes her a sack lunch before she heads off to work everyday. Andy knows that long distance relationships are hard, and frankly moms, you’re gonna have to give up the daughter if he proposes. Sorry. I mean, I’m sure your daughter loves being 25 and living at home with you and all, but what if she’s engaged? And her and Andy want to touch each other late at night in bed? Can she really feel comfortable with you and daddy under the same roof? That might be a little uncomfortable. And what about sis in the other room? Won’t she feel left out of the action? I’m assuming the sister lives there too since she’s younger than Danielle. Would be rather odd if the older sister was living at home and the younger sister had her own place, wouldn’t it? Whatever the case mom, as much as Danielle loves you, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind getting out of the freezing cold Connecticut to live in Hawaii. In fact, I’m guessing any resident of the state of Connecticut would jump at the chance to pretend they like Andy so they could go live in Hawaii.

-Danielle’s family loosens up a bit and starts having a little fun. And by that, I mean dad starts playing the drums and mom and sis start belly dancing with Andy. Woo hoo! This Imwalle clan really knows how to live it up, don’t they? Next thing you know, they’ll be outside roasting marshmallows and telling ghost stories with flashlights under their faces. Andy even participates in both these rip roaring activities. He plays the drums like a 6 year old, then gets up to belly dance with mom and sis, only to be warned by Danielle, “Don’t get too close to my sister.” Uh oh. A little sibling rivalry here. Something tells me Kaitlin is very familiar with big sis’ dates in the past. Maybe a little too familiar with them. Danielle can already sense that Kaitlin can’t wait to get her hands on these sloppy seconds. It may look tempting Kaitlin, but it isn’t. He’s got the personality of a paper shredder. Just bought one yesterday and its sitting right next to me. That was an easy one.

-Time for Tessa’s hometown date in D.C. Andy: “My romance with Tessa’s been a roller coaster…Tessa is a goofball like me.” So since these two are such goofballs, they do what goofballs do in the snow – throw snowballs. How cute. Didn’t see that one coming at all. If only they could’ve capped it off with dualing snow angels, would I really have wanted to stick my fist down my throat. So we get to meet mom Romana (as in Romana’s Macaroni Grill, which sounds so good right now, I think I’ll have it for lunch later today), dad Tim, sister Mercy, and BFF Samantha, the F.B.I. interrogator. Macaroni Grill’s first impression of Andy: “Wow. He is really fit and very handsome.” Easy there, Mamma mia. Just wait til you get to know him. I’m sure then you won’t be asking if he’d like fresh pepper anymore.

-Samantha the Interrogator is Tessa’s best friend from Denver. They grew up together and apparently she screened all of Tessa’s love mates before Tessa could get seriously involved with them. Here are a few of the questions that Sam the Agent grilled Andy with…

“You appear to be the perfect guy – tell us some of your faults.” – Andy said he couldn’t sing and wasn’t a good cook. Not once did he mention anything about how his year round fake baking might eventually lead to skin cancer, and how if he’s in a dark room and he smiles, you could use the rays from his teeth as a night light.

“Are you a suburb type of guy or city person?” – I don’t really remember Andy’s answer to this question, nor did I care. I’m glad Tessa’s off in her room changing into her red dress with the ruffled arms. Poor Andy getting the first degree from the best friend flown in from out of state.

“Are there any qualities the other girls have that you wish Tessa had?” – Uhhhh….errrr…..Andy? “The others are quick to show their emotions. Tessa seems to be holding hers back a bit.” Translation: If Tessa doesn’t grab my package in the fantasy suite, I think that might just be all for her. This is getting ridiculous. Bevin wants to have my children, like, tomorrow. Danielle would rather just make love to me. And Amber’s a horny 23 year old.

“Is a marriage proposal in the works for you by the end of this show?” Look Sammy, lay off the guy. Just because you ain’t getting’ any, doesn’t mean you have to rain on your BFF’s parade. Samantha now has the distinct honor of being the worst best friend ever to appear on this show, overtaking Lisa’s friend Allie from last season who not only brought over a wedding dress for her to try on, but also spilled the beans to Lorenzo about Lisa’s timeline. Allie, you’ve been replaced by Samantha. Congratulations. I’m sure Lisa forgave you. Can’t say Tessa will do the same.

-Andy and Tessa’s father are hangin’ in the kitchen shooting the breeze. Sort of. Andy: “Has Tessa brought many men back to see the family?” Dad: “A few. She’s very cautious.” Gee, don’t make Andy feel too special now, daddy. And quit being so nosey, Andy. Just because Samantha pissed you off with her out of line questioning doesn’t mean you have to take it out on poor dad. Leave him alone. He’s a big wig in D.C. He can have you tracked down and spied on. Kinda like that one movie with Will Smith and Gene Hackman, “Enemy of the State”. Tessa’s dad will have you thrown in prison quicker than you can say, “I wish ABC never flew Samantha back here for this hometown date.”

-Andy is turning red with anger, so he’s decided to turn the tables on Samantha and Tessa’s sister. And good lord, how long does it take to put on that ugly top, Tessa? How about spending some time with the guy you’re supposed to marry? Is that too much to ask? Andy: “Is this a fun escapade for Tessa or is she here for the right reasons?” I think Samantha ran upstairs crying since she wasn’t the one who got to ask the question. “Out of the four women, three I know want to be with me. I’m not leavin’ D.C. til I get an answer from Tessa.” Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!!! I gotta give credit to Samantha for one thing, she’s the only person we’ve seen so far on this show that’s brought out any emotion in this guy. To bring Andy out of his monotonous boring voice is quite an accomplishment.

-Andy and Tessa get some alone time on her couch. Tessa: “Part of me says to go for it, and the other part of me says you’re opening yourself up to get hurt.” Ok, can we please put an end to that stupid line? People say it every season and it drives me nuts. The minute you agreed to come on this show, you were opening yourself up to get hurt. Quit making it seem like this is some new revelation. Go get her Andy. This was some good back and forth. Andy actually showed he had a pair.

Andy: “What do you want out of this?”
Tessa: “I want to fall in love.”
Andy: “With who?”
Tessa: “Isn’t it obvious?”
Andy: “I wanna hear you say it.”
Tessa: “With you.”
Andy: “Good. Cuz’ I wanna fall in love with you.”

Awwwww….why’d you have to go and blow it with that line? You suck, Andy. For a split second there, you actually displayed some semblance of being a man who didn’t take any stupid game playing tricks by your woman. Then you end it with that sappy line? Yuck. And for the record, I don’t recall Andy telling any of the other girls he wanted to fall in love with them. You know what? Good. Let these two have each other. Means Danielle is still single. Still living at home with mom, dad, and sis, but single. nonetheless. You know what I liked though about Tessa’s date, and Danielle’s for that matter? No crying. I think Tessa cried in an earlier date, but I don’t remember Danielle crying yet. Another reason I like her. I’m sure she’ll cry at some point, but at least she’s not like those two over-weepers Bevin and Amber.

-Time for Andy’s visit to Sugar Land, Texas and Amber’s school. The date I’ve been looking forward to the most and I’m immediately not disappointed when the name of the children’s school is blurred out for the camera. Probably because of those uppity parents, who had to sign a release form for their kids to be seen on the show, yet still didn’t want to be associated with it in any way, shape, or form. Makes sense. I have no idea where Sugar Land, Texas is and I don’t want to know. Makes me vomit. So Andy and Amber go into her class and Andy plays student. He raises his hand and asks a question, “Ummm teacher, will you give me a kiss?” Amber straddles him at the desk and they start making out when her class walks in and sees them, thus being scarred for life. Oh wait, no they didn’t. Oops.

-Ambers 4th grade class all get to meet Andy and get to see in person what a complete douche bag their teacher is dating. One little girl even wants to know how it happened. “How did you meet her and do you like our teacher?” Andy gives the best answer he could. “Well, I signed up for this show called the ‘Bachelor’. It’s on real late at night and your parents shouldn’t let you watch it because it’s dirty and naughty. Anyway, since the show has produced exactly one marriage to date in twelve tries, I figured I’d give it a shot. I met your teacher, she seems like she’ll put out pretty soon, so I decided I wanted to come back and see where she works. So do I like her? You bet your ass I do. And I plan on getting me some when we get back to her apartment. So how ya’ like them apples?” Or something like that.

-Ambers parents don’t approve at all of Amber meeting her potential husband like this, so they don’t want to meet Andy. Hey, they’ve seen the other seasons. Why should they? So Amber has to call her Aunt to come to meet him. No dice there, either. No reason given. She just can’t make it. What a loving, caring Aunt. Although it was pretty obvious she was gonna be the one to show up later. But for the time being, we got to meet roommate Erin and dog, Pasha. To say that Erin wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer would be an insult to knives. So why don’t we just call her The Ditz? Andy was immediately put off by Amber and her ditzy roommate. “It’s very much like a sorority atmosphere here.” So that means these two are running guys in and out of that apartment like it’s a brothel? Maybe you should try to get in on a little of that action?

-Amber’s aunt shows up unexpectedly and I’ve never seen Andy so excited all season. Apparently couped up in a small apartment with the giggling sorority sisters almost led Andy to slit his wrists. He gives Ambers aunt a bigger hug than he gave, well, anyone. So while Andy hangs with the Aunt for a little bit, Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum carry on a conversation on Amber’s bed. Or maybe it was Erin’s. I don’t know and I don’t care at this point.

Erin: “I really like him.”
Amber: “I like him a lot.”
Erin: “He looks like he really likes you.”

Oh, if you only had a clue, Ms. Ditz. Amber now knows that Andy is the one for her, because before she could even have a deep conversation with The Ditz, The Ditz knew that Andy and Amber were made for each other. And when someone as sophisticated as that can tell when two people are in love, then by golly, it must be deep, true, passionate, and horny love.

-Andy is going over his marriage plans with Ambers aunt. “Is she really ready to settle down, because I am. I can’t wait to have a little Andy.” Well aren’t we being a little presumptuous thinking we’re going to only have a boy. You do realize it’s possible to conceive a girl even with your low sperm count, don’t you Andy? How do I know this? Because a guy like Andy you just know wears tighty whities. And those are a major cause of low sperm count. So I’ve heard. Anyway, Aunt Whoever goes running back to Amber to tell her that she just spoke with Andy, and what a fine gentleman she thinks he is. “We would be more than welcome to have him in the family.” You sure about that? Because my money says that the two people who actually gave birth to Amber and are boycotting this date probably beg to differ. Call me crazy.

-Rose ceremony time. Host Chris has done the math for us early and is ready to reveal what he’s come up with. “Ladies, only 3 roses remain, which means one of you will be on a plane home tonight…..and if you think for a second that I won’t be back in 28 seconds to tell you there’s only one rose remaining, then you haven’t been watching this show for thirteen seasons.”

-Andy: “You are the four most incredible women on this planet Earth….met parents, siblings, and best friends….including that one in D.C. that I wanted to strangle with my bare hands….I’m responsible not only for my heart, but for yours as well….and God forbid I actually say anything of importance in this mini-speech I give. Can’t the ABC writers come up with something better than this?”

Tessa: Just think, Andy’s gonna have to put with Samantha all during the wedding plans too.

Bevin: She has black nail polish on tonight at the ceremony. You know what that means? She’s either a closet Goth chick, or she’s a closet Bi. Or both.

Host Chris: “Do I ever disappoint? Ladies, Andy, something I learned in 1st grade I’m going to apply right now here on national television in front of 10 million people: 3 minus 2 is 1. I am stealing money from ABC.”

Danielle: He whispered to her that she smelled good. Hey! Lay off her. You don’t want her anyway. Quit being such a tease.

-Let’s just say Amber is about as devastated as one can be by her departure. And little did she know at the time that her appearance would end up getting her principal canned from her job. All she cares about right now is why she got the boot.

Andy: “You’ve been through a lot, but you’re quite a bit younger than me. I just think we’re in different places.”
Amber: “By age, but maturity, I’m not. You told me in the hot tub that age didn’t matter.”

Of course he did, honey. Because thought he was about to get an underwater BJ. Words of advice. Never take anything a man says while in a hot tub at face value. You will only end up disappointed in the end. Hey, I’m just warning you. Anyway, Amber couldn’t stop wailing away in the car either. And boy did she have plans for her and Andy. “Andy lost a girl that would’ve bent over backwards for him….I could see us waking up every morning since we both have to leave at the same time….coming home at the same time….cooking dinner for him….going to the gym together….Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!…..Guys tell me everything I want to hear, then they break my heart, I should f***in be used to this.” Whoa now. Easy psycho girl. Calm down. Now who’s lied to you? Frat boy did? You mean 23 year old guy who wears his PKA shirt everywhere he goes along with his cargo shorts and hat on backwards? That guy? No way! I think it’s safe to say Amber might’ve had one of the worst experiences ever on this show. Her parents wanted nothing to do with it, she gets dumped in the final four, and she gets her principal fired in the meantime. Wow. Quite a ride that was. Hope it was all worth it.

-Next week the exotic dates are all back in Andy’s stomping ground of Hawaii. Andy has to see if there’s more to Bevin than just a physical attraction. Of course there’s not. ABC thinks it’s a brilliant idea to bring a psychic along during his time with Danielle. And wouldn’t you know, the psychic is able to tell they’ve both had losses of loved ones in their past! Wow! Those people are amazing! And Tessa needs to decide if she wants to nude up in the fantasy suite or not. I’m sure that will somehow require a call to her BFF Samantha.

-Yes, Dr. Reality Steve has returned below. Thank you to all who sent your letters in. Keep em coming. Because after a couple more weeks, that’s all this column will become unless I decide to finish up that “Reality Roundup” I promised two months ago. So any questions, queries, comments, criticisms, praise, stories, underwater BJ stories you may have, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….

The Bachelor Links

Administrator The Bachelor 10 - Andy The Bachelor 10

-I found it interesting going into last night’s show that on my DVR, the show description for last night read, “Andy and four of the remaining bachelorettes visit an LA elementary school, where they get down and dirty for a good cause.” So ABC took the time to brainwash Time Warner Cable into printing that horrendous phrase? However, on Tivo, there was no mention of “down and dirty”. Hence the reason I like Tivo more. You suck, Time Warner. And the fact that I can’t pick up an HD signal through a satellite dish because the apartment next to me is blocking my view to the south, well, let’s just say I’m still pissed about that. Time Warner’s HD signal is pretty good, but I still think I’m getting ripped off. I like that Tivo’s system makes beeping and bopping noises when I press the buttons. And the fact that you can only record about 8 HD shows with Time Warner before your box is full really pisses me off too. Would you like to hear my thoughts on my channel lineup too? Didn’t think so. Enough cable company talk, onto last night’s show.

-What a great start to the show last night. Could there have been a better opening scene than watching Lt. Andy Baldwin doing dips with his shirt off on a boat? Yeah, that just sucked me right in. Especially when the next scene had him wearing his Top Gun sunglasses. They waited a whopping four seconds before they pulled out the cheese factor in this episode. “I’m a Lieutenant and I am an Ironman. Me Andy. Big and Strong.” I wonder if Andy is aware at all that frankly I don’t give a rats ass how many triathlons he’s been in. And neither should anyone else. The fact that he’s either flaunting it or has been told to flaunt it makes the guy less and less appealing. Moreso than anything the guy has already said or done so far, which is saying a lot. Now go do some chin-ups and put on your naval outfit since we haven’t seen you in that in at least the last 45 seconds.

-All the girls arrive on Andy’s boat for a day in the sun. Someone asks Andy what his pet peeve is. “I don’t like smoking. I’m pretty low maintenance.” Yeah, I can tell. With your .0000000001% body fat, your perfectly pressed Lieutenant suit, your Marty McFly DeLorean you roll around in, and your sparkling fake white chompers, you’re totally just the average Joe. Every guy can relate to you. Just laid back, easy goin’ Andy. I so see it. You and I could be boys Andy. We have so much in common. Like, you know, how I watch reality TV and write about it and how you are rescuing orphans from burning buildings. Or like, how I eat Subway three times a week, and your daily intake of protein consists of leaves, berries, and some juice concoction that you have specially made for you. I could totally see myself being BFF with Andy. We’d laugh, we’d cry, we’d hug it out – this is a friendship made in heaven. But I must warn you Andy, I go to bed late. And if “24” is on, you need to shutup. And oh yeah, I like women. So don’t be too offended by that.

-Tessa has a pet peeve. “I hate it when someone walks with socks on a rug.” Ummmm, ok. Yeah, that really bugs the crap out of me too. What horrible people they are. How can we rid America of them? I’m with ya’, Tessa. Amber doesn’t like people who clap at the end of movies. “Hello, they can’t hear you.” Good point, Amber. It’s at this point where I’m assured why I’m not a fan of either of these girls. Good Lord. Those are your pet peeves? Is it ok that I use wire hangers, or are you going to beat me silly with those like “Mommy Dearest”? You know what one of my pet peeves is? Annoying chicks on reality TV dating shows who have the most asinine pet peeves. So there. And oh yeah, during all this, Tina tells Andy he has something in his fake porcelain teeth and starts picking at it. This show has officially gone to hell in a hand basket.

-But not before Tessa brings it down even a step further by resorting back to her stand up routine. “Hey Andy, I got one. This is a real knee slapper. A blonde and a brunette jump from a building, who lands first?” Andy: “I don’t know Tessa, who? This better be f***ing good or I’m throwing you overboard.” Tessa: “The brunette. Because on the way down, the blonde asked for directions.” Look, I’m sorry. In no way am I out to defend blondes, I honestly have no bias or preference when it comes to someone’s hair color, but enough with blonde jokes. Seriously, someone has taken the time to write pages and pages of blonde jokes, and frankly, none of them are ever funny. How can they be when you pretty much know what’s coming at every punch line – the blonde is the dumb one. That’s funny? Every time? Since when? I’ve you’ve heard one blonde joke, you’ve heard them all. They’re all just a different variation of the same joke. Now with that said, most blondes are idiots.

-So all their pet peeves suck, Tessa couldn’t get someone to laugh at her jokes if you paid them, and now its Bevin’s turn to join in on the fun. She takes Andy away from Danielle and Missionary Stephanie because she wants to go kayaking. And she wants him to herself. In case you haven’t figured it out, there’s always that one girl every season who’s all insecure and freaked out by the fact that the man she’s in love with is dating other women. Well, this season its Bevin. By about 100 miles. Anyway, before they get in the kayaks, Bevin warns Andy, “I’m not afraid of drowning. You’ll just have to give me mouth to mouth.” Yeah, like you weren’t going to force that on him anyway. I think the way Bevin takes advantage of poor little innocent Andy can be considered rape in some states. And if there is one male out there who would ever accuse a woman of raping him, by golly it’d be Andy.

-Missionary Stephanie gets a solo date with Andy because, well, I think they felt they needed to give her some camera time. Certainly it wasn’t because they had any sort of chemistry together. Their date consisted of blending wines, to which Andy reaches into his “Bag of Analogies” and comes up with this doozy. “Blending the wines was fun. You can take that to the next level and relate it to romance and relationships. It was a blend of a little bit of Andy and a little bit of Stephanie.” Let me ask you something. And I’m being serious here. Is violent vomiting bad for you? I mean, to the point of where your insides feel like someone is shoving a butcher knife through your intestines? Because that’s about how I felt the second he finished that sentence. You make me puke like I’ve caught the ebola virus, Andy. Thank you very much. If that’s Andy’s way of trying to convince us he’s not a douche, but a sophisticated douche, then I’ve just about had it with him. No longer can he and I be BFF. I’m sorry. I can’t have that much estrogen in my life.

-Their creepy wine date continues as they taste their wine concoction they came up with. And it gets even creepier. Andy: “It tastes beautiful – like you.” Whoa there little whipper snapper. Calm down. As far as we’ve seen, they hadn’t kissed up to this point. And the thought of how else Andy knows how Stephanie tastes is beginning to make my skin crawl. I was shocked Stephanie’s virgin ears didn’t start bleeding at that point. I had to rewind that just to make sure that’s exactly what he said. And it was. I’m horrified. That might’ve been the dirtiest thing ever said on television before 9:00. And wouldn’t you know, Lt. Andy Baldwin was the one who uttered it. I’m expecting ABC to be given a hefty fine for that crude, disrespectful, and classless line. Go wash your mouth out with soap, young boy.

-So now these two need to make a label for their wine. They begin painting something that I couldn’t make sense of. All it did was give them a way to start painting each other and making designs of a third grader. They each had paint on their hands, and Andy tells Stephanie to put her hand over her heart, and he’ll do the same with his. Awwwwwww…how adorable. But wouldn’t it have made sense if she put her hand over his heart, and he put his hand on her breast to grope her? Of course it would’ve, hence the reason Andy didn’t do it. He doesn’t know what to do with boobs. They’re like a personality to him, or a sense of charm – completely foreign. This was one of the lamest solo dates ever. I half expected these two to end up in the sandbox filling up each others pails by the end of the night.

-Date box arrives at the house and the card says that Danielle, Bevin, Tina, and Amber will be “getting down and dirty for a good cause.” Hey, they stole that from Time Warner. Only they could come up with the most overused phrase this season. Bevin is a little upset because this means Tessa gets the final one on one date, and Bevin doesn’t know if she’s going to have time to tell Andy her big secret – she’s been divorced. Weeeeelllllllllll, that certainly makes things interesting. You know, because divorced women have such a great track record on this show. Nothing says “true love” more than a divorcee running onto a reality TV dating show looking to get married. Can’t wait to hear all the juicy details on this one. Good luck, Bevin. You’ll need it. You now have a better chance of winning Andy’s heart than Tina does. I think Travis Stork dumped that one chick in Paris maybe a half a second after dropped on him that she was once married. And for Mr. “Family Guy” Baldwin, I’m guessing that’ll never fly. Just a hunch.

-Back to Andy and Stephanie’s boring date at the jungle gym. Andy is kind of unsure where Stephanie stands right now. She’s not opening up much and he wants to find out more about her. This is a big decision for him to meet these girls parents, so he has to make sure Stephanie is someone worth investing time into. The opportunity is right here for her to go and run with it. And she pretty much trips and falls on her face coming out of the starting blocks. Andy: “So what are your career dreams?” Stephanie: “I have a lot.” Andy: “Well, what are they?” Stephanie: “(Dead silence) Ummmm….errr….psssshhhh….I don’t know. That’s hard.” Andy: “Any hopes?” Stephanie: “Yeah, tons of hopes. And dreams. And aspirations.” Andy: “And what are those?” Stephanie: “(Dead silence) Ummmmm….errr…uhhhhh….wow…ummmm….that’s a toughie…” Thank you for coming, Stephanie. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you. Really, it has. Even though we don’t know a damn thing about you and neither does Andy.

-Back at the house, Bevin is feeling insecure again. Shocker. She pulls Amber aside and tells her that she finds it hard for her to believe that the man she wants to be with, also has an interest in someone who’s 23, both Amber and Stephanie’s age. Well honey, you can forget about Stephanie. She just crapped the bed on her date. As for Amber, well, Amber will tell you she’s the most mature 23 year old woman on the planet. She’s been through a lot. She’s had to cook for her brothers and sisters since she was 18. Do you realize how difficult that is and how mature that makes you? Neither do I. Bevin is the oldest girl left at 28, so she just cant seem to fathom how Andy could possibly take an interest in someone as young and immature as her. Because maturity, as we all know, is getting married in your teens. That’s always a recipe for marital bliss. I’m no Dr. Laura, but I’m guessing 99% of all teen marriages end in divorce. Call me crazy.

-The group date is at a middle school in Hollywood and the Andy and the girls are going to build a playground for all the kiddies to play on. This is where we see Andy’s softer side, you know, because up to this point, we’ve seen nothing but him being very manly, and doing manly things, and saying manly phrases, and…..ok, I’ll stop. This is just a time for Andy to show all the ladies that he can be as big a girl as they are. Hey, nothing wrong with helping out kids, and being Mr. Humanitarian of the Century, I just thought it felt a little forced. Ok, a lot forced. I mean, what did we expect? To see Andy hating on the kids and throwing things at them? Maybe shout down a couple of them for drinking their apple juice instead of some protein shake? This was the “Awwwww-look-at-him-with-the-kids-I-want-to-marry-him-too” moment of the show. But I looked at it as a perfect time for me to go make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yummy. I’m sorry, but there isn’t anything that can put a smile on my face quicker than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Except sex. And if you mix them both together, even better. Don’t ask.

-Amber: “I love how Andy gives back to the community. I’d love to show him my class to show him how I give back too.” First off, Andy is being told what to do on these dates. I’m sure he has no real interest in spending a whole day doing manual labor when he can be trying to get in your pants. Lets make that clear. And secondly Amber, well, let’s just say you might be thrilled to be showing Andy to your class, but the parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders sure aren’t. The exploitation of their children on your behalf Amber is appalling. Although, these kids who got to play in the finished playground, I didn’t hear a peep from their families. So why do all the parents in Sugar Land have sticks up their asses? Don’t know. Guess we’ll find out next week when Ambers parents pull a no-show and she takes Andy to her class. Yay, Sugar Land. Be proud.

-Andy: “I’m always such a kid at heart.” Yeah, yeah, we know. And you’re a Lieutenant. And an Ironman. And a naval seamen. You are truly God’s gift, Andy. You really are. And you have a way with words. Andy (to Danielle): “So how many kids do you want?” Very subtle, Andy. Danielle said two because she thinks all kids should have a sibling. Well, to all you only children out there, feel free to start hating on Danielle. She thinks your parents screwed you by not popping out a brother or sister for you. Hey, she said it, not me. Send all complaints and letters over to ABC. Way to alienate those without a sibling, Danielle. I expect the OCAA (Only Child of America Association) to be protesting outside you and Andy’s wedding.

-Tina: “I’m not just here for the ride. I’m here to see if I’m the one for Andy Baldwin.” Don’t worry. You two have the sexual connection of a toaster and a refrigerator magnet. Yes, I had to actually leave my room for that one. So no worries Tina. You and Andy are not meant to be. Your fortune today reads: “One who is not as pretty as Amber, Bevin, Danielle, or Tessa must suffer the consequences. The tribe has spoken. Tina, its time to go home.”

-Andy: “I didn’t know how Bevin was going to be with the kids…I was surprised.” That was a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one. Gee, what gave you that impression Andy? Just because Bevin wants all of her time spent with you and doesn’t want to include anyone else? Was that it? I wish MTV had programming back 10 years ago that they do now. Would’ve been fun watching Bevin on “Engaged and Underage”. Great show, isn’t it? I think that show should be a part of every high school sex education curriculum. You wanna slow down the divorce rate in this country, just pop one of those episodes in to show our teenagers of today. Sure, they’ll continue sleeping around and getting freaky after class, but at least they won’t think of marrying each other. I think I liked the one episode where the girl was complaining that her fiancé was immature, had no money, liked playing video games, and didn’t pay a lot of attention to her. Oh wait, that’s every episode.

-And if I may continue on my little soapbox here for a moment, there is no way you can convince me that anyone in their teens thinks they have a clue about marriage and it’s the right thing to do. Sure, you’ve heard stories of your friends parents that got married right out of high school and are still married today. Yeah, exactly. Those are your friends parents, meaning it happened 20 or 30 years ago. That’s when sex was only done in the missionary position and internet porn wasn’t around. You check back with me 20 or 30 years from today, and tell me if any kids getting married out of high school in todays day and age are still together. I’m guessing no. I graduated high school in 1993 and the thought of marriage was so far out of my mind, you couldn’t have paid me to marry someone. Then again, I had no one to marry so I guess it’s a moot point. Teens. Gotta love em’. Yeah, prom was so much fun, let’s get married this summer and start a family. Huh?

-So it’s time for Tessa’s solo date and Andy brings over the goods. No, not sex toys, but jewelry. Now, why he had to bring over $2 million in jewelry and put it on Tessa right in front of the other girls didn’t make much sense to me, but hey, it’s ABC’s show, they can do what they want. But it was really cruel of them to rub it in on the other girls. Ahhhhh, who am I kidding? I loved it. Serves them right that Andy didn’t choose them. Nothing like rubbing their noses in it a little bit. They all took it about as well as they could. Tina is clueless as to what jewelry even is. Stephanie is still trying to figure out if she has any hopes or dreams. Danielle is busy fending off OCAA, Amber has the city of Sugar Land, Texas trying to light her place on fire, and Bevin….well, Bevin’s a mess. Seeing her boyfriend put $2 mil in ice on another woman pretty much just made her blood pressure rise to a level that’s not healthy. I was waiting for her to jump over the table and tackle Tessa, starting a massive chick fight with hair flying everywhere, clothes being ripped off, pillows being swung around, scratching, biting, clawing….ummmm, ok maybe not.

-So not only does Tessa get $2 mil in diamonds, but Andy takes her to the Nicole Miller store to try on dresses, all the while “Up Where We Belong” plays in the background. You know, they play that song at least once an episode very faintly, and frankly, that song sucks. I hate it. Get rid of it. The movie sucks, the song sucks, there’s zero correlation between that movie and this show. Just get rid of it. All of it. Stop pretending this show is some re-creation of a bad early 80’s love story with a pre-gerbil loving Richard Gere and milfy Debra Winger. That song is now engrained in my head and will be for the rest of the day. And don’t think it won’t be in yours either, “Love lift us up where we belong….Where the eagles cry….On a mountain high….” Are those not the perfect lyrics to some cheesy 80’s love song or what? And you’re welcome for that song not leaving your head the rest of the day. Hey, if I’m gonna suffer, you’re going to along with me.

-Tessa knows she’s not the easiest person to get to know and she realizes she has to start opening up to Andy. “It takes me longer to get comfortable…trust someone….I like you….lets take baby steps….maybe by our third or fourth date I’ll you feel under my shirt.” Although he should be put off by everything she just said, Andy is giddy. “My heart is full when I’m with you, like, where did you come from?” Uhhhhh, what? She’s that amazing that you’re contemplating that maybe she was delivered to us from another planet? Are you serious? Whoa. I don’t know what to say to that, Andy. I really don’t. Other than you’re completely crazy and your porcelain veneers are making Elliot Yamin jealous.

-Time for the girls to make one last impression. Andy is very torn about which 4 girls to give roses too. Especially since he’s made out with only 4 of them. Mustve been a real struggle for him to figure out who he was letting go tonight. So each girl presents their case one last time to try and win Andy over and get that ever so special hometown date. You know, the one where we get to see the crazies that spawned these beautiful women. Always one of my favorite episodes of the season. I’d do anything to see them roll Bevin’s ex-husband in for the episode. But because we’d all get too much enjoyment out of it and it’d make for great television is the reason they won’t do it. Damn them.

-Andy is concerned about Amber being immature. I mean, she is 23 and all. But does he know she can cook for her siblings? Ah hah! See, bet you didn’t know that did you, Andrew? So Amber hands Andy what looks to be like a condom wrapper that has a message on it. She claims it was from a piece of chocolate she had earlier, but it was square and had the outline of a circle in it. Surely looked like it came from a Magnum Ultra Lubricated 3 pack in the black box with “For the Ultra Smooth Experience“ label to me. Uhhhhhh….anyway……the message read “Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses.” That was her way of telling Andy that she wants a rose. And that she smiles when she’s with him. And that he better wear protection with her. Or something like that.

-It’s now Bevin’s turn and Andy likes her dress. Probably because it’s white and see through, but he likes it nonetheless. They did not a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing. Bevin seems to have this idea that the more she kisses him, and the more she touches him in his private areas, the less inclined he’ll be to boot her off the show once she drops the divorce bomb on him next week. We’ll see how it all plays out, but I’m guessing not well. But Bevin should have no problem finding other divorcees to date. I’m sure there’s a website out there for those kind. Or a chat line. Or some social group. Divorcees are the best. I could listen to their stories all day long.

-Andy wants to reiterate to us again the amazing conversations he has with Tina. He now just wants to see if she has just one ounce of sexuality in her. Ummmm, that would be a “no”. Andy: “So tell me, if by some miracle of God I give you a rose and I get to meet your family, what can I expect?” Tina: “I’d be really excited for you to meet my mom and my brother. My mom means everything to me. My mom is me amplified.” And that’s a good thing? How do you amplify something that’s a mute? Isn’t that the equivalent of multiplying anything by zero and it still being zero?

-Tessa has on a pearl necklace tonight. Just thought I’d point that out. And they kissed a couple times. Andy likes the whole “let-me-scrunch-my-face-up-against-yours-when-we’re-kissing” thing. Very sexy. I’m sure she loves it too. Usually when kissing Andy, one tilts their head one way, and the other tilts theirs the opposite way. Or in my case about 10 years ago, the chick insisted on tilting her head the same way I did mine. That made for some really fun times. I sh**canned her immediately. Sorry. If you can’t get the head tilting thing down, you’re retarded.

-Andy says that he thinks Danielle is the “most invested out of all these women”. Wow. Good thing Bevin didn’t hear that. She might just go off and kill herself. After all the scheming that Bevin’s done, and after all the times shes personally stolen Andy away from the other women to get alone time to herself, for Andy to say he thinks Danielle is the most invested girl left, well, let’s just say Bevins chances are getting smaller by the second. And she hasn’t dropped the D bomb on him yet. Yikes. Watch out. Andy might wet himself after hearing that. And by the way, Danielle is in my top 3 bachelorettes of all time. Jen Schefft used to be in the top 3 until they actually made her the Bachelorette and she embarrassed herself. So I’ve had to redo it a couple of times, but I now have a new top 3. Wouldn’t you like to know? I bet you would. Maybe some other time.

-Stephanie’s had days to figure out if she has any hopes and dreams in her life and……nothing. She pretty much knows she’s screwed. But Andy being the gentleman he is, has to patronize her with, “So, if ABC holds a gun to my head and tells me I have to give you a hometown date, what can I expect to see in Kansas?” Stephanie: “Oh, my family is the best. Im pretty much the butt of all jokes. My family is the one who’ll break out the kid videos of me to show you.” No sh**? Maybe Stephanie and I are more alike than I think. My mom wouldn’t hesitate for a second to show my 2nd and 3rd birthday party videos to my girlfriends. That’s always a blast. Especially since those were filmed in 1977 and 1978 and there’s no sound to them. And don’t even get me started on the “Mr. Griffin” video.

-Host Chris tries to pretend we have a major scandal on our hands when he told us going to commercial ten minutes ago that some of the ladies “break the rules”. Well, the rule breaking consisted of Amber and Bevin going into the deliberation room and looking at the “Pick me!” photos. Wow. What scandal. Kick them off the show! Breach of contract! Lord knows they can’t have anyone walk into a room where nothing has happened for the last five seasons or so. I’m glad they got me all riled up for nothing. I was expecting Host Chris and the FBI to come barging in and taking Bevin and Amber away for interrogation by Jack Bauer. But no. Nothing happened. They look at their ABC head shots, got embarrassed then left by saying, “Let’s get out of here before someone sees us” – even though a camera guy is standing right there filming them. Geniuses.

-Andy: “I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Ironman. I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I’ve never been through anything like this. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” Booting Stephanie and Tina is the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Really? Even though your physical and sexual chemistry with them rivals that of a pencil cup holder and a ipod clip? Yep, those two were on my desk. I didn’t feel like getting up again. I really feel sorry for Andy if letting these two go was the hardest things he’s ever done in his life. No, really. I feel sorry for him.

-Host Chris at his best: “There are four roses left, which means four of you will be taking Andy home to meet your family. That also means two of you will be going home.” Honestly, he just said that. I don’t know how much they’re paying this guy, but whatever it is, it’s not enough. Double it. He deserves every penny. You are my hero, Host Chris. I think you and I could be BFF as well. Just don’t tell Andy. He might try and squash me with his massive upper pectoral region.

-Rose Ceremony time. Andy has a few words before we begin: “You all mentioned tonight how nervous I seemed….that’s the truth…incredible leap of faith…amazing time with all you….difficult decision…..I just don’t think I could’ve been possibly less physically attracted to Tina, and Stephanie, you seem to have no direction in life and you’re 23. Amber is 23, but she’s a mature 23 because she cooks dinners or something like that…..uhhhhh….good luck to you all.”

Bevin: “We’re goin’ to Seattle baby!” Woo hoo! Can’t wait. And when Andy finds out you’ve already had a honeymoon sex fest before him, he might start crying. Again.

Amber: I wonder if she teaches her 4th graders how to Tootie-tot. Ummm, that’s one of the others in the top 3.

Tessa: Damn. And I thought in back-to-back seasons, the girl who got to wear the $2 mil in jewelry would get the boot. Oh well.

Host Chris: “Danielle, for Christ sakes, come get your rose. This is ridiculous. Like the other two had a chance.”

Danielle: So do I have her ranked #1, #2, or #3 on my list? Hmmmm….

-Tina: “I met a great guy in Andy, but I really regret that I shut down.” I don’t think it would’ve mattered, hun. But you can keep trying to convince yourself it did. Stephanie: “It’s hard to realize that I let it slip through my fingers. I feel like I could’ve done more.” Yeah, like answered his questions that he asked you. I know that’s tough. But you’re a young 23, you have your whole life ahead of you, and I’m sure there’s a guy out there for you that only loves the missionary position. And look on the bright side, your mom won’t get to embarrass you on national television by showing you in the tub with your rubber ducky.

-Next week are our hometown dates and by quick glance, Danielle has the protective parents, Bevin drops her D bomb on Andy, Tessa’s family is the one who questions the ridiculousness of this show, and Amber can’t get any family members to show up. Whoa. That’s gotta suck. Can’t say that’s ever happened before. Even Host Chris chimed in with a “Hometown date unlike any one you’ve ever seen”. So now not only does Amber’s family not like her, but she’s got all of Sugar Land, Texas up in arms as well. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Amber cries next week. A lot. Just a hunch.

-Ok, so the latest batch of Dr. Reality Steve letters go up this week. I wanted to wait to get a couple more in before I posted them, and thanks to those who sent some in. There’s a good Andy story in one of them. It’s not too late for me to add more, so if you need any help with your sex life, your husband, your wife, any “boyfriend cheated on me but I still want him” b.s., send all your stuff to steve@realitysteve.com and I will do my damndest to help you out. Until next week….

The Bachelor Links

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-Let’s get a couple “Bachelor” related things out of the way first. From this point forward, I will refrain from referring to Stephanie as “slutty” or a “whore”. Frankly, I just don’t think I can accurately call her that when Jenn over on the “Real World” is beating her to the punch on a weekly basis. I mean, lets face it, Stephanie technically hasn’t done anything except dress like a hooker. We’ve actually SEEN Jenn sleep with guys this season…..4 of them! So my job as a journalistic is to present the facts, and the facts are that “Real World: Denver” Jenn has spread her legs for just about any male who’s walked within 10 feet of her, and Stephanie has just dressed trampy. Advantage: Jenn. Is Jenn breaking television records right now? Letting four different guys toss you around like a rag doll during one season of a reality show is quite possibly the single sluttiest achievement we’ve seen this decade. So congrats go out to Jenn. I guess. And now that she’s on Inferno 3, that gives her 10 more guys to line up outside her door.

-Due a story that broke on Thursday regarding Amber, it’s pretty much been confirmed who our final four is going to be. If you haven’t seen it or don’t want to be spoiled, well, then stop reading. But it’s not like it was hard to figure out. I was only off by one. Anyway, Amber is taking some heat from parents in her hometown of Sugar Land, Tx, because she lied to the school where she teaches about why she needed time off, and it was during a time where her 4th grade class was studying for some big test. And then when the cameras came back to her school, some parents thought that was exploitation of the kids. Look mommies, if you’re kid is even watching this show, that’s your fault, not theirs. Hey, Sarah from Travis’ season not only allowed the cameras to come back to her class, but she played Tootie-tot in the park with them and eventually was chosen by Travis. I didn’t hear any parents bitching then. Get over it. Amber wanted to chase her dream of being on a reality show, let her. And feel free to not allow your 4th grader to watch soft porn in the first place. Get a life, parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders. Let’s begin….

-Not that we couldn’t already see from the previews before the show started, or the previews at the end of last week, or even the previews at the end of the very first episode, but, Host Chris informs the girls they will be going to Lake Tahoe, where there will be two group dates, and one individual date. It’s at this point where any preconceived notion we’ve ever had about Stephanie the Eyebrow Queen are proven to be true. Let’s just call her Tweezers from now on since someone went a little crazy above her eyes with them. I thought only the Joker from “Batman” had eyebrows like that. Guess I was wrong. Anyway, Tweezers lets us really in on a side to her we’ve yet to see – her intellect. Tweezers: “Where’s Lake Tahoe? That’s in Oregon, right?” Yes honey. It’s in Oregon. Along with Mount Rushmore. And the Grand Canyon. And while you’re there, you might wanna check out the Statue of Liberty right off the coast. The French gave it to Oregon as a gift because of their tight friendship. By golly you’re stupid. But don’t go looking for Mount Hood or Lake Oswego. Those aren’t there. They’re in New Mexico.

-Oh wow. Never thought I’d hear this coming from Tina on this show. Tina: “I feel awkward to be going on group dates.” WE KNOW!!!! You don’t want to share your future husband with anyone, you don’t think youre the prettiest girl there, and your last fortune cookie said, “One who goes on group date and don’t put out gets sent their ass home.” Next thing Tina will tell us is that she’s here for all the right reasons, she’s not a competitive person, and she really wants to get to know Andy as a person. Which, of course, is always the case when two people have about as much sexual chemistry as a fork and a water bottle. Sorry. I just typed the first two things that I saw sitting on my desk. I could’ve gone with condom wrapper and handcuffs, but then I’d be lying. I think.

-The first group date in Lake Tahoe, Oregon goes to Nicole, Danielle, Bevin, and Missionary Stephanie. They will be going to the casino to gamble and baby sit Bevin. See, Bevin is an emotional roller coaster right now because she doesn’t get to play in all the reindeer games with all the other girls. Remember? She tweaked her ankle last week running through tires, so, she’s still on crutches. And making sure the other eight women are aware that she’s on crutches. And can’t do a damn thing for herself, including put her own dress on. Or make up. Or push up bra. Bevin is taking 1 ½ years to get ready for the group date, and Andy’s getting antsy because he knows that guys never take this long. He’s reconsidering this whole female thing as we speak. And Bevin is still crying in the bathroom over being a complete zero when it comes to fending for herself. Last time I checked, her ankle was sprained, right?

-So what do the girls do to speed along the process? They do everything for Bevin while she locks herself in the bathroom and continues to cry, all the while rubbing her hands together continuing to say, “Eeeeeexcellent. My plan is working to perfection.” She’s a tricky one that Bevin. Nothing like having all the other girls you’re competing against ironing your dress, getting your shoes, and padding your bra. She must be playing some mind tricks on them to make them do that. Women hate women. Every single one of them should’ve been laughing at the fact her ankle was sprained and never should’ve waited on her hand and foot. She got Andy to do it last episode, and now she’s got the women doing it. Something’s wrong here. How is she able to do that? I wonder if she started her own cult, all the women would join that too? Maybe it’ll be revealed later the power that Bevin holds over these women. Frankly, I’m scared of what could come of this. Let’s pray for the best.

-So as the four of them are sitting around mingling with Andy, Bevin’s mind tricks are at it again. Andy asks what their most romantic city is. Nicole says “Cabo”. Bevin? “Ummm…I don’t know.” This calls for Andy to the rescue. “Uhhh, Bevin. May I see you alone for a second?” “Oh well…ummm…err…I don’t know…would it be ok….uhhh….sure!” The other three girls must feel like Wile E. Coyote right about now. “Drats! Foiled again!” I was just waiting for some ACME brick to fall on top of their heads. Bevin is so far ahead of the game right now, they’re not even in the same stratosphere. Is this “Survivor” or the “Bachelor”? I think Bevin should get a million dollars for outwitting, outlasting, and outplaying everyone else. I want to see her up against Boston Rob, Fireman Tom, and Rupert in the finals. Then let’s see who’s king. Ok, I’m getting way off base here. Where was I?

-Oh yeah. Bevin. Sucking Andy away from the girls by acting aloof. Works every time. She says she feels insecure because she can’t do what all the other girls are doing right now. You know, like, well, nothing. Her ankle is preventing her from doing the things that will let Andy get to know her better. So now shes officially moved onto the reverse psychology. And Andy the rocket scientist is buying it hook, line, and sinker. Andy: “If I were to get hurt, people would come to my aid too.” Huh? Who? What? Where are you coming from Andy? What does that have to do with anything? And remember, you don’t get hurt. You’re Superman. You can leap tall building in single bounds. You can stop bullets with your bare hands. And you’re faster than a locomotive….ha ha. Yeah, no doubt. You’re definitely faster than a locomotive. There’s a name for what they call guys like you. It rhymes with “Flu Stump Plump”.

-Andy is completely giddy right now over holding a woman in his arms. “Do you feel when I touch you there’s electricity? The more I touch you, the more electric I feel.” Translation: Please touch my wiener. Look, I give Andy credit. He’s doing his damndest to show a woman that she makes his pants tight, but its sounds really creepy when he’s talking about electricity, and touching her, and her touching him, and……these two are like a pair of teenagers. I’m just waiting for someone’s parents to show up, honk the horn, and come pick them up. For the first time in this show’s history I think, the word “connection” was replaced with “electricity”. And I really didn’t like it. Can we go back to “connection”? Oh we can? It’s about to be uttered a 1,000 more times this episode? Ok, thanks.

-So after Andy and Bevin are done slobbering on each other, he actually spends some time with the other three girls. They go down stairs to the casino to play a little craps. Of course, all on ABC’s credit mind you. Each girl had rows and rows of chips. And I’m guessing that Bevin, she of the “Clinic Research Coordinator” occupation, isn’t about to be playing the black chips at a casino anytime soon. Call me crazy. It’s Bevin’s turn to roll craps and it brought us to possibly the cheesiest/worst/puke inducing line I think I’ve ever heard of on this show. Bevin calls for a “hard eight”. For those unfamiliar with rolling dice, that means she wants to roll an eight by way of two 4’s. Andy’s response? “Hard eight or Heartache?” I just punched myself in the face that was so stupid. You’re a complete buffoon, Andy. Never say that again.

-Andy pulls Missionary Stephanie away for some alone time. Stephanie feels just slightly weirded out by the whole situation because, surprise surprise, she likes to plan things. And she always knows whats going to happen. And with this show, the level of uncertainty and what people are saying and thinking is really starting to drain her emotionally and physically. I don’t think Andy understands how crucial and effective the rhythm method is. I mean, if he’s spending all his time with Bevin, and Stephanie’s insides start to get all warm, then how is he going to know its that time to be with her? Stephanie is a planner? No way! I never would’ve guessed that. She’s a real cutie and 100 times better than what Tweezers Stephanie has to offer. I think she just needs to loosen up and just go with the flow at times. She’s a little too tense. Someone get her a drink. And a birth control pill.

-For Andy to make it through this night, he really seemed to want to hit the alcohol. He was pretty sauced when he was talking to Stephanie. He practically pulled a Byron on her when he made a toast to her by saying, “You’re amazing….I hope I get to meet your family.” Ummmm Andy. In case no one’s told you yet, that’s your decision, not hers. I’m sure Stephanie would love for you to meet her parents. But that’s not up to her. That’s in your boat, big boy. Lay off the scotch and maybe you’d have a clue as to what the hell was going on this show. Geez. That’s some great false sense of hope you just gave her. Awwwww look. Now you made her cry. You suck, Andy. Back to your room. You’re done for the night. No protein shake before bedtime either.

-Danielle comes in and steals Andy away from Missionary Stephanie, who was just moments away from reaching first base. So close, yet so far. Andy’s an idiot for not pouncing all over that. What does he care? He’s gambling with company money in beautiful Lake Tahoe, Oregon with four women on his arm and he’s three sheets to the wind. Like he cares. He starts cozying up to Danielle maybe four seconds after Stephanie leaves, and immediately starts in with the compliments. “Such a strong women…connection….come here…I wanna suck on your mouth.” Well, he tried at least. They kissed, but, well, it wasn’t really that good. No tongue action, and their faces were squished together. Andy is really struggling tonight. Someone help him. He’s like a lost puppy trying to find its way back to its owner. Except the puppy is sloshed and is in heat.

-Time for Andy to make that big decision of who will receive the designated, exceptional, extraordinary, individual, personal, specialized, and unique quality time with him. (Gasp!) And wouldn’t you know, it’s Bevin! I never saw that one coming. How’d she pull that off? I mean, she only got 3 hours with him earlier. Was that not enough? So the cheese factor continues as he picks Bevin up and carries her down the hall to the bedroom, a la Richard Gere/Debra Winger in “An Officer and a Gentleman”. They need to cut this out. Richard Gere hasn’t made a good movie in about 10 years, and Debra Wingers last major role was in “Forget Paris” back in 95’. I know that because I just looked it up on her IMDB page. Wait, Debra Winger played Wonder Woman’s little sister “Wondergirl”? Really? Did she nude up in that too? Nevermind.

-Andy lets us and Bevin in on a little secret during their special secret alone time. He likes pickles. No, actually he tells Bevin that he’s a nerd. Bevin responds by saying she’s a nerd too. Oh boy. This is going places. Andy says he entered all the Science Fair’s in high school. And he dreams of becoming an astronaut. AH HA! Finally our proof! We’ve waited all season for it to happen, and now, the speculation is over. He wants to be an astronaut, huh? If I remember correctly, wasn’t a certain former N’Sync member planning on becoming an astronaut? And didn’t that same “happy” guy appear on the cover of “People” magazine just about a year ago with jazz hands and the headline, “I’m Gay”? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s just close the book on Andy and wish he and Lance a very happy future together as life partners. Reichen won’t be happy.

-So as the façade continues, Bevin straddles him, they begin kissing, and Bevin asked if he needed a checkup. I swear to God, if either of these two utters one more corny ass line like that, I’m coming through the television and strangling Host Chris. No reason imparticular I’m taking it out on him. Just felt like it’d be necessary. Andy begins to play with Bevin’s dress a bit, slightly tugging it upwards where it’s revealed Bevin is apparently wearing white biker shorts underneath. Or a girdle. They still make girdles? Women under the age of 75 wear those? Geesh. Where have I been? Andy then delivers the line of the night: “Knowing there’s a woman in this mix like Bevin, makes me feel like there’s gonna be a happy ending to this story.” And you won’t even have to go to the massage parlor to get it either. Although considering she can’t run through a tire without cracking her ankle in half, I’d be a little leery of Bevin going the route of a happy ending. Her wrist might fall off.

-Next group date is in the mountains of beautiful Lake Tahoe, Oregon with Kate, Tweezers, Tina, and Tessa. And boy is Andy ready for this one. So much so that he’s rockin’ the turtleneck for this date. Good lord. Hey Andy, 1993 called. It wants its look back. Anyway, its also Tweezers birthday that day and she feels her and Andy are a “team” now. So, “team” as in “I’d love to double team him with some random stranger I could find off the street”? Or “team” as in, “I wonder what ‘team’ Andy plays for?” Whatever the case, Tweezers is fired up. She’s got Andy on the slopes, today’s her birthday, her fake rack is on point, and she’s sharing a date with no one who even remotely likes her. What could possibly go wrong?

-Tweezers immediately pulls Andy aside and informs us she “will not hesitate to throw any of the girls under the bus if she has to”. Shocking to hear that coming from the Tweeze lady. Just shocking. So without even being asked, she immediately starts in with her thoughts on the other women. Some of them are “young, immature, attention seeking, can’t be on their own”, basically she was telling Andy to never speak with someone like Amber. When in reality what she was doing was digging her own grave. She doesn’t like Amber, she let Andy know that, and he didn’t seem to care. Strike one against Tweezers.

-Remember how I said a paragraph ago “What could possibly go wrong” for Tweezers? Well, Kate could go wrong. Kate actually went the route of her predecessor but took it a step further. She didn’t just try to make one woman look bad – she went after all of them. Kate: “Well, ummm, Amber said you tried to kiss her and she had to back away, and ummmm, yeah, and then, ummmm, people were saying that last night was all about Andy and Bevin’s alone time, and, um, yeah, so, yeah, and like Stephanie from South Carolina, she’s molded herself into what you want her to be, and yeah, so, I don’t think you should go to her hometown. And oh yeah, this one time, at band camp…..” Thank you, Kate the Informant. Think Kate is much of a gossip queen? Yeah, me neither. Hey, at least she livened up the show a little bit. I’m surprised she wasn’t wearing a wireless microphone and a transmitter. She should work for the CIA with the way she withholds information. Someone sign her up. Great job, Kate. You can lead my sting operation any day.

-After getting the lowdown from Tweezers on Amber being a bitch, and after Kate the Deep Throat lets him know what everyone ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the previous day, Andy gets some time with Tessa. From day one, I’ve never been the biggest Tessa fan. Probably a nice girl, means well, isn’t a bitch, yada, yada, yada, but I’m just bored with her. She does nothing for me. She is a little worry wart too. I guess they all can get like that at some point, but that’s the character ABC has decided to portray her as. The worry wart. Then again, so is Bevin. Except she’s a crying worry wart with an ankle injury that’ll apparently never heal this century. He pulled Tessa aside, and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what they talked about and I don’t care. Something about a connection I’m sure.

-So after all that, Andy chooses Tina to get the designated, exceptional, extraordinary, individual, personal, specialized, and unique quality time with him (I just cut and pasted from the few paragraphs above this one. Saved me time). Tina is pretty much being, well, Tina during her alone time. “I’m really not that competitive. I’m here to see if we had a connection.” Barf. Andy: “I want Tina to know that I like her and that she’s a contender.” Double barf. Really? You like her AND she has a chance in this thing? Ummmmmm, I call B.S. on that one, Andy. We’ll see who’s right in the end. I hate to say it, but, well, it’ll be me. Tina continues with her line of questioning. “Are you high maintenance?” Although Andy was really impressed with her line of questioning, and even threw out a “The time I spent with Tina was just what the doctor ordered” line, it became apparently obvious during their individual time, that these two’s sexual chemistry rivaled that of my stapler and a fork. Two more things sitting on my desk. Tina, just know that Andy is going be the best gay friend you’ve ever had. He’ll go shopping with you, you guys can go to the movies, and even get pedicures together. Oh, the times you’ll have.

-It’s time for Amber’s individual date that she’s been thinking about for every second since she found out. She’s really having a hard time figuring out what she’s going to wear. Really? Women are indecisive when it comes to outfits? Could’ve fooled me. I always thought it was the first thing they tried on, they liked and that was that. Wow. Guess I’ve been wrong about women this whole time. Silly me. Can I say something along those lines that’s a giant pet peeve of mine? Ladies, please don’t ever ask us how you look in something. We’re in a no-win situation and it only leads to an argument. If we say you look good, we’re immediately told, “No I don’t. I look fat.” Great. Then why the hell did you just ask me for my opinion. Of course, telling you “I don’t really like that outfit” might as well be us just telling you to check into Weight Watchers or something. Yeah, like that answer is even an option if we want to get laid that night. Just get dressed in a reasonable amount of time, don’t ask for our opinion, and both of us will be happy campers in the long run. Got it?

-So after all the back and forth about what she was going to wear, Amber goes with the standard turtleneck and jeans. Hey, this is right up Andy’s alley. They can take their Christmas pictures both in turtlenecks. How cute would that be? Ok, not at all, but I was just trying to lighten the mood. They’re date isn’t even much of a date. It’s them sitting on the ground in a cabin with food in front of them, a fire behind them, and a hot tub waiting out back. Nice date, ABC. Why not just put their date on a bed with silk sheets and a blindfold? You know, in case Amber is into that sort of thing. I’m sure she is. All Amber’s are kinky. I think. So Andy tells her about what the other girls were saying, Amber doesn’t seem to get caught up in it, they kiss, then head immediately to the hot tub. You know what’s there? More kissing. And Andy has to decide whether Amber gets the rose to stay longer. Andy: “You know what’ll make this night even more romantic? Wait right here. I’ll be right back.” How dumb did Amber play that one? C’mon, you knew exactly what was coming. It’s ok to not play stupid. I’m sure all your 4th graders who were up watching tonights show that had you half naked in a hot tub with a naval seamen could even figure that one out. Parents of Sugar Land, Texas….Protest!!!!

-So it’s time for the cocktail party, and Tweezers apparently doesn’t wash her clothes. She’s wearing that same brown hooker dress she wore when they played “Titanic” on the boat. Danielle even made a comment that she didn’t think the dress was appropriate for a stripper. Oh it is, Danielle. In fact, that’s like a wedding dress for a stripper. And Tweezers likes her dress. A lot. Tweezers: “My dress is smoking hot tonight….I’m 90% sure I’ll get a rose. Last ceremony I was 95% sure. This one I’m 90%.” Hmmmmm, and you’re the one who also thought Lake Tahoe was located in the great Pacific Northwest, right? Ok then Tweezers, quick quiz: If you’re 90% sure that you’re going to get a rose tonight, then what are the odds that you’re not going to get one? That’s right. Bananas. Very good. You get a sticker.

-Bevin is crying again. I’m willing to bet there are more people not pulling for Bevin to win after tonight’s episode than there probably were before. She did an awful lot of whining and crying for my taste. She’s excited about getting one last chance to see Andy before the rose ceremony. “I’ve been counting the hours….waiting for you to come…I’ve been so nervous.” Ummmmm, you were counting the hours til when? Waiting for him to what? Hey Bevin, there are 4th graders in Sugar Land, Texas right now who are mortified about what just came out of your mouth. I really hope you apologize to Amber herself, the school, and the ridiculous parents who are protesting their children being a part of this nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go hump Andy one more time before he forgets you.

-Kate the Informant can’t possibly leave the show without one more piece of information to share with the others. Kate pulls Amber aside and tells her that Tina told her, “By the way, I heard Amber almost had sex with Andy last night.” You know, I admire the Informant for not going down without a fight. I mean, let’s be honest, Kate knew she had no chance of sticking around. So she’s gonna cause as much grief as possible on her way out the door. I’ve got no problem with that. Just one problem with her story. Like Tina of all people would ever be the one to start that rumor. Why? Tina is still unsure of what sex is at this point. Nice try, Kate. Maybe next time.

-This sends Amber into a tizzy and she goes off crying before confronting Andy. She tells him he’s probably going to hear a rumor that’s being spread that they had sex. Andy: “That’s preposterous!” No kidding. And on so many levels too. “I know what we did. And I enjoyed it.” Oh, I bet you did you little dirty dog, you. The way your hand touched her hand. The way your fingers interlocked. They way the taste of her tongue just made you want to run to the bathroom and scrape your tongue off with a kitchen knife. I bet you enjoyed it. Is this woman thing starting to grow on you at all Andy? Even a little bit? Do you think you might wanna try this just once to see what it’s like? You’ll like it. Trust me. It’s like warm apple pie.

-Tessa gets her one last chance to speak with Andy and threaten to quit for whatever reason. Something about women being catty. I don’t know. It was so foreign to me that women could act that way, I didn’t really know what she was talking about. But Andy has some big words in response to Tessa. “My heart is completely open now, and you’re one of the reasons why.” You know, never before in my life before last night had I ever barfed up a lung. But there it was in my sink after hearing Andy utter that cornball line. Nice goin’, pal. I appreciate that. That was a b**ch to cough up, but I sure got it all out thanks to you. You’re the best Andy Baldwin.

-Rose Ceremony time. That means, it’s time for a speech. Andy: “The difficulty of this decision…..speaks of the quality of all you women….utmost respect…..started this quest for women that I thought were best for me….and if I’m sending you home….then you don’t have to suffer through the embarrassment of this whole charade. Be thankful. Or something like that.” Amber has already received a rose by virtue of their steamy date in the hot tub. So yes, he’s kissed Amber.

Tessa: He’s kissed her.

Danielle: He’s kissed her.

Bevin: He’s kissed her.

Tina: Haven’t kissed yet.

Host Chris: “5 – 4 is 1. Only three more shows and I won’t have to do the counting for you anymore ladies.”

Missionary Stephanie: Haven’t kissed yet.

-Hmmmmm….I wonder who the final four will be? That’s a toughie. And I’m sure the final two girls he gave roses to doesn’t give anything away either. Of course it doesn’t.

-Kate the Informant is yet another girl who’s booted that isn’t crying. She says it just didn’t work out for her. Which is a good thing, because now it’ll allow her to pursue her career as Queen Gossiper. Very highly paid and well respected in the community.

-Now Nicole has a nice little meltdown. That was good to see. Very much in tears when uttering, “I was true to Andy…what’d I do wrong?…..Where do I go from here?” Then she just fell down or something. I don’t know, but the camera was still rolling and she went from visibly crying on camera to falling on the floor. Someone help her up. That didn’t look too slick. Where do you go from here Nicole? Well, you can start by chewing on some Nicotine gum. Or maybe go to the patch. Smokers Anonymous might help. Or a walker with an oxygen tank. It’s up to you.

-I was really disappointed that Tweezers didn’t have a bigger freak out than she did. I was half expecting that chick to pull a Trish and become a stalker. “I’m just shocked…I can’t believe this happened…I was ready for it, I wanted it, I believe in it…..I sold somebody out – and apparently he thought that was a sh**ty thing to do.” Uhhhh, yeah. Cuz’ it was. Here’s what you do, Princess. Head straight to the beauty salon, tell the lady you’d like to get rid of the Joker eyebrows, tell her to pencil them in a little darker and thicker, and then head on over to “Jiggles”, get yourself a stage name, and go work your talent. Strive to be the best honey.

-I don’t know when “Reality Roundup” is making a return. I really do apologize. It’s just that this column takes up a lot of time, and with my work schedule, coupled with the fact that…….ok, I’m just lazy. That’s all there is to it. However, it will be up at some point. I just have no idea when. As for “Dr. Reality Steve”, keep sending your letters in to steve@realitysteve.com. Anything is acceptable. Letters, comments, questions, stories, queries, praises, criticisms, what do with your cheating husband, how to tell your girlfriend you want to dump her – you name it, I’ll answer it. That column will appear this week for sure. Until next time….

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-So, either I’m not the greatest advice giver in the world, no one cares to hear about my relationship advice, or, my advice sucks and no one wants to hear me give it again considering I’ve received exactly one “Dr. Reality Steve” letter in the last week. C’mon. I know you people have problems out there. Heck, last time I was receiving emails from 50 year old women going through menopause. Certainly there are some of you out there facing a relationship dilemma, or have a spouse cheating on you, or are dating three men at one time and don’t know what to do, or, maybe you just need someone to talk to. That’s me. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what they pay me the big bucks to do. Ok, maybe not that, but you get my point. I’m here to educate, advice, and entertain. Always remember that. So start sending those emails in to steve@realitysteve.com. It’ll be well worth your time. I think. Onto the show…

-Ok, the minute we saw in last weeks previews there would be a drill sergeant brought on this week, the cheese factor went off the charts. Ok, we get it. Andy’s in the marines, now the girls are in “boot camp”. Hee hee…har har…hilarious. That whole bit couldn’t have been any lamer if they tried. And just because there was a rose on the line for the girl who tried the hardest, that didn’t make it any better. Seriously. Was anyone even remotely amused by that whole segment? I certainly wasn’t. Frankly, it was annoying. And whatever phony out-of-work actor they hired to play that drill sergeant, he certainly shouldn’t have been paid whatever the SAG scale is. Horrible. Just because you’re bald, have tattoos and can scream, doesn’t mean you played a good drill sergeant.

-And how did I know that the “I don’t know but I’ve been told….” chant was going to be done? Yet again, very lame. I mean, did I really hear these women have to chant, “I don’t know but I’ve been told….I am gonna get that rose”? That didn’t happen, did it? God help me. You know what? I’ve got a better one. How’s this? Repeat after me. “I don’t know but I’ve been told….(repeat)…this is getting f***ing old…(repeat)…” Over and out. So fake drill sergeant immediately starts laying into the girls. Tells them to make their beds, not put on make up, get their athletic gear, and come downstairs. And Bevin is Ms. Serious during all this because she wants that rose bad. “I will do whatever he says.” Oh, I bet you will sweet cakes. Something tells me Bevin could kick all these girls asses in boot camp.

-As expected, all the girls are struggling mightily through boot camp. Some can’t even run in place, some don’t like to get dirty, and Erin gets yelled at for being on her knees during pushups. Now I could totally make a joke here about how Erin can’t help but be on her knees since that’s what she’s best at, but I’m not gonna do that. I’m above childish, sophomoric, bathroom humor. I don’t know anything about Erin. She could be a fine upstanding young citizen and be the moral fiber of this show. What good would it do for me to reference the fact that she likes being on her knees? I don’t know that, so it’d be pure speculation on my part to even suggest something of the such. She probably likes it when Susan is on top anyway.

-None of these girls are the least bit impressive through the mini obstacle course they are given, except Bevin. Well, that is until she ‘tards out and rolls her ankle while running through tires….and gets a rose for it! Huh? She gets rewarded for being a complete spaz? Since when? The most athletic girl left by far, and she can’t get through the tire run? I remember in 4th grade that was always part of our obstacle course in P.E. and not once did I remember any of my barely literate classmates practically maiming themselves on that thing. In fact, that was the easiest part. Yet the world class Androgynous one has to be taken to the hospital for it? And gets a pity rose out of it? Seems backwards to me. But then again, we are dealing with Andy here. Judging by the choices he made at the rose ceremony, he’s definitely a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

-Host Chris comes in to give the ladies an update on Bevin and tell them how the dates are going to work this week. First off, Bevin is fine, her ankle isn’t broken, and she’ll be back. Whew! That takes a load off. For a moment there I thought we were looking at full leg amputation the way Andy came running from the bushes to save the day. But alas, it’s a little swollen, Andy threw out some big medical term which meant “sprained ankle”, and the rest of us can now breathe a sigh of relief. Bevin will have full use of all her limbs for the remainder of her time on the show. Which will definitely come in handy on the overnight dates. Always keep your ankles elevated. Remember that Bevin. Not only will you feel all tingly inside, but it’ll get you another rose, and heck, maybe your ankle will feel better in the morning.

-First group date today will be featuring both Stephanies, Nicole, Amber, and Tina. Now we need to distinguish between the two Stephanies. One is the cute, blonde, reserved one that hasn’t been given much camera time so far. The other one is the slutty moley chick with whacked out eyebrows and large gums. Whatever the case, these ladies are headed to a day at the spa with Andy. Why? Andy: “I like women that can get down and dirty”. Again? He’s gonna use this line for the 4th time in 2 weeks on us? Look, I know we’re supposed to believe this guy isn’t gay and isn’t being force fed all these lines he’s spewing out, but, can he at least come up with something original? The phrase “down and dirty” sounds so wrong coming from someone as prim and proper as this douche bag. Eck. Makes my skin crawl.

-So the “down and dirty” metaphor was obviously used in this instance because he and the girls went to take one of those mud baths that cleanses your skin. Look, I’m no dermatologist, and I’ve never been in one of those pools of mud, but does that really do the trick? My exfoliate seems to work just fine every morning. Just another way for the spa to rip you off. One thing the mud certainly does is piss off Tina. “I don’t want other girls putting their hands all over the man I’m supposed to be marrying.” Oh, so then why are we even watching the rest of the show? Tina’s already won apparently. He fell for the whole fortune cookie trick in episode one hook, line, and sinker. What a great journey you two have had so far. You know what else I love about Andy and Tina’s courtship? The fact that he spends all his time playing with Slutty Stephanie’s fake boobs in the mud.

-You needed a crow bar to separate these two horndogs during their mudslinging session. All the women are trying to rub mud all over Andy, which was a subtle way to say, “Hey, it’s ok to pay attention to me even though my boobs are real.” Andy wanted none of it. It was like Gummy Stephanie’s fake rack was a magnet and Andy was a piece of metal. He pretty much stopped short of feeling her up in the pool. Granted, she has about 10 inches separating both of her breasts, so he was able to manage to cover mud in all the right places of her body. I don’t even think he looked at anyone else in that pool. Unless you count each of Moley Stephanie’s breasts as an individual person, then he played with three people in the pool.

-Back at the house, Bevin has returned on crutches, an air cast, and a swollen, purple ankle. I still can’t believe she was rewarded for rolling her ankle on a tire run. The girls ask her what her and Andy talked about in the hospital and she said, “Not much. But he did buy me this watch. Wanna see?” No, ABC bought you the watch, Andy just handed it to you. I bet Bevin is pretty stoked that since she completely failed at a 3rd grade gym class obstacle course, not only has she received a rose and gets to stay longer, but she also got a watch out of it. Man, this game is easy. How about next week Bevin, you just throw up all over Andy at dinner? I’m sure that’ll get you an overnight date and a trip to meet his folks. Andy is about as square as they come for this show. And don’t worry, it gets worse.

-Back inside, Andy’s having a tough time determining who’s going to get the “extra special quality, one-on-one, secret, private, confidential, exclusive, reserved, non-public, alone time”. Or whatever it is they’re calling it this season. The Slutty One is positive she’s got the inside track because, well, she’s a slut. And none of the other girls are talking to Andy. So, icebreaker time! Someone asks, “What’s been your longest relationship?” Andy says 2 ½ years. It was a tough breakup. He didn’t love him anymore and that type of union isn’t allowed in the state of California. Tina: “Mine was 1 ½ years”. Was he comatose? The Whore: “I had a 4 year relationship. And a 3 year one.” So in those 7 years, I’m expected to believe she slept with two guys? She can probably accomplish that in 7 hours. I’m willing to bet that Stephanie has slept with 50 more guys than the other four girls in that room combined have. I guess I’ll never get any proof of this, but it sure is fun to speculate. C’mon. Just look at her. And listen to her. Judge a book by its cover. I certainly have.

-Much to her disappointment, the Moley Slut doesn’t get the extra time with Andy. That goes to the other Stephanie, from Kansas. The nice, quiet, reserved, cute little blonde one. Or as I like to call her, “Missionary Stephanie.” You know, because I’m sure she does a lot of missionary work. They go off to their own little private outdoors where there’s a table waiting for them and some towels. This is where Missionary Stephanie goes to work. She gives Andy great head…….massages. And of course, Andy being the selfish individual he is, doesn’t return the favor. She has to do all the work. Man, how rude. And if I’m not mistaken, the towels came in handy when Missionary Stephanie had ended. He still had some on him. Mud, of course.

-Date box #2 arrives and Kate, Danielle, Erin, and Amanda will be headed out to the race track, while Peyton and Tessa get the 2-on-1 date. And on that date, one of them will receive a rose, and one will go home. But before we get to three segments of Tessa vs. Peyton, lets first go to our race car driving group date. Andy: “Driving cars is fast and dangerous….but it’s fun. I think women that race cars are so sexy.” Really, would it be too much to ask that whoever is writing up these cue cards get some better penmanship? Andy’s having an awful hard time reading these. So apparently Andy is attracted to Danica Patrick. Women who race cars are sexy? Look, I don’t claim to know every woman currently residing in the United States, but I’m guessing 99.9% of women in America don’t race cars. What kind of statement is that? Hey Andy, guess what? You know what I find sexy? Women who have worm farms and eat chocolate pudding while standing on their head. Exactly. It’s not supposed to make sense.

-So before they get in the cars, each girl gets to talk with Andy and I guess tell them what they like about him or something. Erin is up first. She dressed appropriately for the track in her tight top and big loopy earrings. You know what I think when I see big loopy earrings? And maybe this is just me, I cant quite be certain, but the overall vibe Im getting when I see a woman in big loopy earrings is “I’d like to have sex with you.” But maybe that’s just me. Anyway, Erin doesn’t not want to be stereotyped at all. She thinks Andy has a misconception about her that she’s all about being prissy, when in actuality, she tells us the only thing she’d like better than driving fast cars, was if they had a date at the shooting range. I guess she’s showing him her “down and dirty” side. And this immediately gets Andy excited as only Andy can. It’s like he just had his first sexual experience. Except this time it’s with a woman.

-Andy: “Erin may have bleached blonde hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she knows how to do manly things – like shoot guns.” Andy is like a pig in slop now. So excited that Erin wants to play with his gun. So excited that Erin has shown a different side of herself. So excited that Erin seemingly has taken her mind off Susan for 5 minutes and paid attention to him. Actually, I don’t think Erin looks like a Barbie doll at all. How horrible of Andy to characterize her like that. Maybe one of Hef’s three girlfriends, but not a Barbie Doll. I take that back. Erin doesn’t look like them. Well, at least not that hardcore lesbian one who likes black guys. Which one is that? Oh yeah, Kendra. Nice My Space page. If that woman hasn’t slept with the whole NFL, then the NFL should be ashamed of themselves. Yeah, she lets Hef touch her. Sure she does.

-Danielle pulls Andy aside to talk more about her dead ex-boyfriend. Now, maybe I misheard her on the previous two shows, but, did she or did she not say last night that this ex-boyfriend of hers died in bed right next to her. She woke up one morning, rolled over, and he was there dead? Whoa. That is intense. I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody. And by no means whatsoever am I trying to make light of this situation in the least bit, but, wow. She must be an animal in bed. Look, I like Danielle, and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if she’s the one he proposes to, but she’s gotta back away from the “fate” card with her and Andy. I know they each had someone close to them die in their past, but, I’m sorry, this show is about as far from “fate” as possible. You know what fate is? Living in Nashville, Tennessee one block away from Travis Stork, never having met him, flying all the way to Paris to be on a TV show where he’s the Bachelor, and he chooses you. That’s fate. And they lasted a whole three months. Being placed on a show where 25 women are handpicked for you to choose from is not fate. Call me crazy.

-So all the girls race around a track of cones and then Andy will decide who gets the “extra special quality, one-on-one, secret, private, confidential, exclusive, reserved, non-public, alone time”. Now, keep in mind, earlier Andy had given a rose to someone who couldn’t make it through leg 1 of a 3rd grade obstacle course. So who gets the extra time with him? Erin. Who couldn’t drive a stick shift, yet somehow was only 4 seconds behind the girl with the best time. Nice editing. Four girls raced, and they finished the course in 53 seconds, 54 seconds, 54 seconds, and 57 seconds respectively. Huh? How? Sure Erin finished in 57 seconds, if you started the stopwatch 5 minutes late. But she gets the extra time because she tried hard? Maybe one of the other three should’ve faked not knowing how to drive a stick too. I could easily make a “You mean Erin’s never handled a stick before” joke, but really, that’s so beneath me. I’m not that type of guy. And Erin likes the warm caress of a woman anyway.

-So Andy taken Erin for a little drive so they can do a little talking, about Susan I presume, and maybe he can break down that wall she seems to be putting up. Andy: “I really like you, and I just wanna make sure you like me.” I don’t remember what Erin said in return, but it wasn’t convincing. She had a hard time opening up to Andy, and he was really struggling with it. “I wanna get to that inner side of you.” Whoa, Andy. Slow down there, Mr. Eager. That’ll take a few shots of Jaeger, maybe a bottle of wine, and a little more sweet talkin’ before Erin lets you do those things to her. Erin says she just doesn’t like being competitive with the other women. It’s just not in her personality to immediately open up to a guy she just met, especially when she knows he’s dating other women. Even though that’s what you’re supposed to do on this show if you want any chance of lasting until the final four. No one explained this to Erin. Whatever. Like she had any interest in the gay doctor after meeting Susan. I really hope both of those two are at the “Women Tell All” episode. And sitting on each others lap. Theyre gonna last longer than Andy and whoever he chooses. Me like Erin.

-Time for Peyton and Tessa’s 2-on-1 date. Its down in San Diego aboard the USS Midway. Andy is waiting for them in his “Top Gun” sunglasses as they arrive on the ship. He’s looking very “Iceman”-like if you ask me. Maybe he’ll play volleyball shirtless on this date. Kinda funny how every guy wanted to be like Tom Cruise after that movie came out and now we look at him and laugh uncontrollably at what a wacko he’s turned into. Whatever PR firm is running his camp, they should be out of a job by now. From jumping on couches, to shouting down Matt Lauer, to impregnating Joey Potter, to locking her up in the house and never letting her leave – this guy has completely lost it. Homeless people look at him now and mumble, “Damn. That’s boy’s crazy.”

-Andy asks Peyton and Tessa, “Have you ever been on a naval ship before?” Both said “no”. But both did admit to being very much fans of naval seamen. Ok, so I forgot to throw that in last week. That should be a staple of the column from now on. Every week I will no doubt get a naval seamen reference in there. Has to be done. Its only appropriate. You know, because Andy is in the Navy. At sea. So, Andy goes around the ship explaining to the girls what he does and all his big ship terms like “hatch” and “passageway”. Wow. You’re blowing our minds Andy, really. I thought when they passed by the bunk beds both of these girls would ask to take a nap. Andy, I’m glad you serve our country the way you do, you’ve put in a lot of your valuable time, and you are a true inspiration to us all. Just don’t ever give us another tour of your ship. I practically cracked my head on the side of my coffee table after falling asleep.

-Andy once again grills the girls about himself. “Have either of you dated a doctor?” Both said “no”. “How about a guy in the military?” Both said “no”. Andy got fed up at this point. “Well f*** then, how about a gay man?” Ok, he didn’t ask that. But he should’ve. Might’ve gotten some truth out of the girls. So he takes each girl away separately so they can plead their case on why they think the gayest of Bachelors should keep them around another week. Peyton is up first. She’s got the loopy earrings going on as well, but they’re very thin and red. You can barely see them. Not nearly as extravagant as Erin’s at the track. They kinda look like that red licorice you can get at the County fair. I want to eat her earrings now. I’m hungry. And officially delirious.

-Peyton really opened up to Andy and spilled her guts telling him how much she was into him, how she could see the two of them together, and how things just felt right to her. Tessa was a different story. She took a different route and played the “mysterious” card. Didn’t say much until Andy had to practically pry it out of her. But definitely keeping her guard up. Andy: “I’d like to see Tessa let me into her comfort zone.” Oh, is that what they’re calling it nowadays? I prefer “baby maker”. Or “Va-jay-jay”. Whatever the case, Andy and “comfort zones” are unfamiliar with each other, so I don’t even know why he’s begging so bad to be in there.

-So they break to commercial yet again while these three are on the ship meaning three full segments will now be dedicated to the Tessa vs. Peyton fight to death. Seemed like a lot to me, don’t you think? Was that really necessary? A helicopter lands on the ship and its there to take Andy and the woman of his choosing home. He immediately starts tearing up when picking Tessa. He can barely speak. What happened to this guy? He’s a complete mess right now. He picks Tessa, leaves Peyton standing there in the freezing cold while he goes to put Tessa in the helicopter, comes running back to Peyton still crying, and gives her a hug. Geesh. Enough already. I didn’t even know you liked Peyton and now you’re acting like your dog died. It was at this point I was completely convinced that, with all due respect to “Desperate Housewives”: “Andy cries when he ejaculates!”

-Time for cocktail hour before the rose ceremony. Last chance for the ladies to make an impression. Amanda is up first. Andy is trying to get her to open up about herself. “What’s the most romantic date you’ve ever been on?” Amanda: “My most romantic date was our group date, even though it was with other women.” Ummm, probably not the answer he was looking for. Andy says he and Amanda definitely have a physical connection (he’d hit that), but she’s just not giving him anything else of substance. She says she has all these stories about herself, yet when he asks her what they are, she can’t come up with any. That’s ok. We’re running out of time. I’m tired, the show’s almost over, and I don’t think we need a woman to begin telling a story. We’ll be here all month.

-Kate makes an appearance at the cocktail party. Nice for you to join us, Kate. Ummmm, where have you been? Kate: “Do you think I’m just this wild party sorority girl?…I’m actually more of a homebody. I’m pretty chill and relaxed.” Translation: I loved to drink, get baked, and go to the Delta Gamma Anchor Splash. Yes, I attended one of those. Quite interesting. My girlfriend wasn’t a Delta Gamma, just someone I wanted to get with was. And that’s what you do when you want a woman. You suck it up and attend sh** you want no part of. Didn’t work. She liked some frat boy. Hmmph. That’ll show her what she’s missing. Look where I’m at now. Oh God.

-Both Stephanies corner Andy with their final pitches. Andy asks if there’s any similarities between the two besides their name. Of course, Her Sluttiness does all the talking. “Well, I think I’m louder than her.” Ya’ think? Something tells me she wakes up dogs in the neighborhood in bed. “I’m more of the life of the party”. Yes you are, honey. Who wouldn’t be with that repuation? “And all you’d have to do is ask, and I’d do a threesome in a heartbeat.” Ok, she didn’t say that. But I bet she was thinking it. Missionary Stephanie couldn’t compete with anything that Whore Girl had to offer.

-Bevin, despite already having a rose tonight, for some reason felt depressed and had to go outside to grab Andy’s attention. He followed her, gave her a foot rub, then they ended up kissing. Have I made up my mind yet on Bevin? I’m starting to lean one way. Not fully 100% decided yet on whether or not she is someone I could see myself having long relations with or not. Whatever that means. Sounded like a kinder, gentler, more subtle way of saying I haven’t decided if I’d boink her. But I’m getting there. I’m sure she’s waiting in anticipation for my answer.

-Rose Ceremony time. Host Chris tells us that Bevin and Tessa are safe. And Peyton’s already been sent home. Meaning there’s 9 girls left to receive 7 roses. That completely went over every girls head. Might as well told them to re-wire the Pentagon. And geesh they’re going slow this season. Usually from 15 they go down to 10 or 8. They only went to 12, and now only down to 9? Does this show run until the fall? Get a move on, dammit. “America’s Got Talent” is starting soon. And “Laguna Beach 4”.

-Andy: “He we are….I hate this part….If I let you go tonight…it’s not because you’re not wonderful, because you are…..Thank you for your sincerity”. And thank you for the worst pre-rose giveaway speech ever. What a way with words.

Amber: We maybe saw five seconds of her this episode.

Danielle: I think the best looking girl left on the show and probably his future wife. Or ex-girlfriend.

Missionary Stephanie: Slutty Stephanie wasn’t pleased about this.

Tina: An absolute mystery to me. She must have pictures of him with farm animals or something.

Kate: For some perverted reason, he smelled this rose before giving it to Kate. I don’t want to know what that was for.

Nicole: Still smoking two packs a day, still a little looney, and joins Tina in my “Huh?” club.

“Ladies, Andy, this is the final rose tonight before I go slit my wrists knowing we have another season of this sh** still to come. When you’re ready. Please make it fast and painless. My wife and kids miss me. Even though I don’t do anything during filming other than read a couple lines here and there, I miss them. I want to go home. I get lonely and horny hosting this show, and by golly, I’m pissed I don’t get in on any of this action. It really bothers me that…..” I think this is where he stopped talking.

The Ho’ Bag: Put it this way. If she didn’t have implants, I don’t think she’d still be around.

-So Erin and Amanda are both sent packing. Erin didn’t even cry (yet another who didn’t care they got booted), and Amanda teared up a little bit, but was by far, not devastated to be going home. Is Andy looking at the same girls I am? Really? I would’ve picked Peyton over Tessa, and I would’ve swapped out Erin and Amanda for Tina and Nicole. I’m really scratching my head at some of this guy’s choices.

-I’ve done a little breakdown here of the nine remaining women to see who’ll make the final four at least. Well, I think you and I both can assume that neither Tina, Kate, or Nicole make the final four. We just haven’t heard enough about them yet for that to happen. And I really don’t think that Amber gets in for the same reason – we don’t know enough about her. So that leaves five women competing for four spots: The two Stephanies, Danielle, Bevin, and Tessa. And since we’ve never had two women with the same name in the final four (I don’t think, but I could be wrong), I’ll say Missionary Stephanie is out. So our final four is Danielle, Bevin, Tessa, and the Skank. I know the Skank doesn’t win, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t pick Tessa. So by power of deductive reasoning, I’ve got a Danielle/Bevin final, with Danielle winning. I’m pretty confident in this one. We’ll see.

-As for “Reality Roundup”…..uhhh….errrrrr…ummmmm…look, I swear half of it is done. It’s just the other half isn’t. And I’m about 2 months backed up now on shows. I don’t know when it’s going up. But it will at some point. There’s too much good stuff going on TV right now for me not to mention it. From the Sanjaya embarrassment on “Idol”, to Steve Sanders waltzing, to Heidi from the “Hills” getting a boob job – it’s endless. I will get to it sooner or later. Bear with me. And for those looking to add me as a My Space friend, or even pass the column along to your My Space friends, the address is: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week….

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Administrator The Bachelor 10 - Andy The Bachelor 10

-Ok, I officially hate the hour and a half shows. You do realize that every episode this season is going to be an hour and a half, don’t you? Why? Who made this decision? No one’s watching this crap anymore, so they figured they’d make the show longer? Really? Brilliant idea. Someone should be fired over that decision. And oh yeah, in case you didn’t know, regardless of what the ratings are for Andy’s season here, and regardless of how it turns out, the “Bachelor” has already been renewed for the fall season. I’m still scratching my head on what they figure to accomplish by continuing to air this show, yet “The Nine” got cancelled after six episodes. That was one of the few promising shows of the new season. Boooooooooooo. Anyway, let’s get started, I’ve got a boatload of crap to get to with that extra half hour to cover. A-holes.

-Host Chris immediately comes out to inform us there will be two group dates and a solo date. But he wants to give us the rules. Oooooh, rules now for the dates? When did this start? Is this where he informs the ladies they are prohibited from touching, grabbing, licking, stroking, or biting Andy below the waist? Oh. Guess not. Chris just informs them that no roses will be handed out on the group dates, each girl will get alone time with him, but Andy will choose one girl who he wants to spend a little extra alone time with. And the solo date goes to Stephanie from Whoreville because she received the first impression rose. That’s lame. Those aren’t rules, Chris. Those are “the producers needed to justify my paycheck for this show, so I have to come out and say this, even though a lot of my voice is dubbed in after the fact.”

-First group date consists of Nicole, Tiffany, Alexis, the other Stephanie, Bevin, Amanda, and Tessa. They’ll all be going to the Sunset Strip for a night on the town. Or as Dorky Andy put it: “Operation Soul Mate is about to begin”. Oh for christ sakes, shutup. Enough with the military references. Look, it’s bad enough we have to deal with the “Officer and a Gentleman” crap, and now you’re making up your own “wars” to describe you finding a future girl you can dump once the show ends? I wonder how soldiers who fought in “Operation Iraqi Freedom” feel about “Operation Soul Mate”? I’m curious to see if they feel it’s just as difficult for you as it was for them? We’ve hit an all time low. “Operation Soul Mate”? I will now stick a spoon down my throat and scoop out the bile.

-Nicole states that “Andy is the total Bachelor. This is the guy you dream about.” He is? What exactly occurs in these dreams? Does he attack you with his fake wooden teeth? Does he take you to his class where he learned to be a ventriloquist? Outside of being able to move mountains, and swim across the Atlantic Ocean, and being Jack La Lane’s illegitimate son, I don’t think Andy has much else to offer. And the way he speaks bugs the piss out of me. Would it be ok if his mouth moved when he spoke? Am I asking too much here? And while you’re at it Andy, the lint in my pocket called, it wants its personality back.

-Andy: “I like a girl who likes to get down and dirty and isn’t afraid to break a nail.” Well, you’ve gotta a couple in this bunch that certainly won’t mind that Captain Charisma. A couple could probably kick your ass. And mine. At the same time. With one hand tied behind their back. There are definitely a couple rough ones in this group. However, after getting an hour and a half worth of camera time to really study our remaining fifteen, there are definitely some cute ones that I missed in the first episode. And then there’s Double T – Tina and Tessa. Ummmmm….uhhh, not so much. I’m sure they have great personalities. I just…well…they bug. A lot. And maybe that’s detracting from their physical appearance. Hey, it’s possible. These are my rules, I made them up, so let me be.

-So the girls go to that one bar on Sunset Strip that has the mechanical bull. Didn’t one of the other Bachelors take his tramps here? I know they’ve done this before, I just can’t remember which douche bag it was. Whatever. They’re all the same. Still single and used the show to promote their career. Andy seemed really turned on by watching the girls ride a bull. Especially when it just vibrated and you could see whose chest bounced around the most. Or maybe that was just me. Whatever the case, Andy did admit to enjoying himself. Of course he did. He’s a guy and he’s watching seven different women, all vying for his attention, straddling a bull while it vibrates beneath them. Glad that you like to objectify women like that Andy. Such a pig. Really disgusts me. I’d never do such a thing.

-Stephanie from Kansas, our blondie that likes to do back handsprings in her prom dress, well, how else can I put this without sounding too…..ahhhh, screw it…she’d be a riot on top. She was the only one who lasted the whole time on the bull without falling off….and she did it one handed! Which means that she’d be able to take her other hand and…..forget it. Good job Stephanie. I’m sure I wasn’t the only man with impure thoughts last night. Andy sure was: “I’m thinking I want to spend my extra alone time with Stephanie.” There you go again, you male whore. You think Stephanie wants to hear you talk about her in that way? You know for nine seasons, it’s really been about finding true love, and guys who weren’t looking for a piece of ass, and women that weren’t into promoting their modeling careers. Now look what our precious show has turned into. Hot blondes riding bulls one handed and getting me all sweaty. Keep it comin!

-So after getting the ladies insides all mushy, Andy takes them up to a hotel room full of dresses for the evening. Tiffany can’t believe it. “I’ve never had a date take me to a room full of dresses before.” Of course you haven’t Tiffany because you’ve never been on the “Bachelor” before. Unless I missed you from some previous season. Has anyone who’s not been on this show ever gone to a room full of dresses to choose from? My guess is unless you played Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”, then the answer would be “no”. Or did he just buy her that one red dress to put on? I don’t remember. I’ve chosen to forget everything about Julia Roberts the minute she married Lyle Lovett then named her newest babies something out of a fairy tale. Phinnaeus and Hazel? Can’t wait til’ Phinneaus is all over the news for getting a Grade A ass kicking from his classmates when he’s in about the third grade. Sucks for you, Phinn. Take it out on mommy. I think kids should have the right to sue their parents for crappy names.

-Andy’s telling us about his ideal woman yet again: “I really dig a woman who can really be a tomboy and get down and dirty, but then, can put on a dress and…..” I stopped listening at this point. In twenty minutes, he’s already told us twice he likes women who can get down and dirty. Are they showing us this for a reason? Why would they do that twice in twenty minutes? He likes dirty chicks, we get it. No dirty chick has ever gotten the final rose at the end. Never. Why would it start now? Do I really need to see some butch chick on the cover of my US Weekly in a few months? I sure hope not. I think Andy’s confused about what he wants. I think Andy’s confused about a lot of things actually. Including how he’s gonna play off a marriage proposal at the end of the show when he’s obviously gay. I didn’t say that.

-So they’re all on a rooftop in their dresses talking to Andy, and he begins his alone time with the girls. Nicole is up first. She has a bad case of smokers voice. “I can’t get over his teeth, and smile, and suit.” Nicole, it might not be such a bad thing if you cut down to two packs a day. You shouldn’t have completely tarred lungs before you hit the age of 30. Andy is a health nut. He’s not gonna like that. And I found it hilarious that Andy and Nicole’s alone time happened about 10 feet away from the rest of the girls. Wow. What privacy. I’m sure Nicole felt special. Why not just sit her on your lap and do your ventriloquist routine with her as your puppet? I’m sure that would’ve been good for a laugh or none.

-It’s time for Alexis to out herself while Andy and Nicole are 17 inches away from the rest of the pack. Alexis: “So does everyone here kiss on the first date?” Alexis’ says she won’t. Why you ask? Wellllllllll, because she “was home schooled until she got to high school, she has strong moral values, she’s old fashioned, and she’s true to her conservative background.” Virgin Alert! Virgin Alert! Home schooled? People still do that? So needless to say, Alexis is kind of lacking in the social skills department. She doesn’t have any. She didn’t interact with people apparently until after she started her menstrual cycle. Good times, Alexis. I’m sure that’s never played a role in your being single. Look, I’m sure she’s a great gal, and I’m sure her family loves her, and she’s a strong independent woman, and……why did we cast her on this show again? The minute producers saw her application and in the section that said “Education” and she checked “in my living room”, it should’ve been thrown in the trash. Home schooled til’ high school AND a virgin? That’s the biggest double whammy this show has ever seen. We can deal with Sadie the Virgin. Not Alexis the conservative, home schooled virgin with the strong moral values.

-Time for the girls take off those dresses and get into their bikini’s – it’s hot tub time! Although Andy is a bit confused. Shocker. Andy: “The girls looked amazing in their dresses, but I don’t know what’s better – dresses or bikini’s?” Let me help you out here pal. And this coming from a heterosexual man, maybe you won’t understand, but it’s bikini’s. Hey, nothing wrong with a really pretty dress that really makes a woman stand out, but ummmm, well, a bikini means she’s closer to being naked. And nakedness leads to other things which I choose not to discuss in this manner because it’s inappropriate, classless, and their may be youngsters reading this. Just know it’s a good thing. Yay nakedness. Don’t worry, Andy. Someday. And he’ll be the most attractive man you’ve ever seen.

-Bevin finally gets her alone time with Andy and her takes her into the big kids pool where she wraps her legs around him, they kiss underwater, and we get to see her Chinese tattoo she has on the back of her right shoulder. I could care less what they did in the pool. It was all a front. I’m having a major problem with Bevin right now. I cannot decide if I think she’s attractive or not. Literally it bothered me all show that I could watch her for an hour and a half and still be undecided. Usually I know within twelve seconds whether or not I find someone attractive. Bevin? I’m clueless. On one hand, she kinda has facial features of Jen Schefft, yet on the other hand, she kinda looks like a dude. Androgenous Bevin is what I’ll call her. And I’ll let you know when I’ve come to my final decision on her attractiveness. I have a feeling it won’t be anytime soon.

-For god knows what reason, Andy chose Tiffany for his extra alone time. His reasoning? “Tiffany was one of the shier women in the group. So I wanted to give her the chance to shine.” And what a waste of time that turned out to be. Did someone notify Tiffany she was being videotaped? Was she aware she was participating in a show called the “Bachelor”? I’ve had better conversations with my pillow than those two had together. And trust me, my pillow and I have gotten into some very deep stuff. In fact, I’m sure we’ll be having yet another one tonight. What will it revolve around? Of course. Women. They never cease to amaze. Anyway Tiffany, feel free to act like you like boys. It might help your chances if you ever decide to do another dating show in the future.

-Date Box #2 has Kate, Susan, Erin, Tina, Amber, Danielle and Peyton being given workout clothes. Because Andy likes to work out, in case you didn’t know. You didn’t? Well, he’s gonna tell us. Again. “Athletics are a big part of my life. I’m also a 6 time Ironman Triathlon finisher.” Really? We hadn’t heard. Good that you let us in on that or else we’d think you kept your body all nice and tight for some guy or something. Susan tells us right away that she’s not into the whole exercising/working out thing. All she does is jog with her dog three times a week. That’s her exercise for the year. If this wasn’t a sign she was doomed, I didn’t know what is. Well, either this, or that her and Erin were lesbians. One of the two.

-So Andy tells the ladies they will compete in a mini-triathlon for his affection. And when he says “mini”, he means “Like any of you peasants could possibly compete at the level that I do on a daily basis, so I’m gonna make you compete in an obstacle course designed for 4th graders”. The mini triathlon consisted of 4 laps in a pool about 10 yards long, riding on the stationary bike, then run 5 laps around the outer edge of the pool. It was quite an interesting dynamic. All the girls were into it except Erin and Susan who didn’t want to get their hair wet, so they walked the 4 laps in the pool. And then promptly pleasured each other poolside. I’m kidding. I think. Wouldn’t be surprised. If there ever was an uncut DVD version of this season, I bet we’d see these two going at it like dogs in heat.

-Danielle was the first girl off the bike to start her laps, but Amber was 2nd and caught her, passed her, and ended up winning. She must be beat. I mean, all that swimming, biking, and running. Just the woman Andy was looking for. And apparently Andy’s exactly what she’s looking for. Amber: “Andy is like a little kid living inside this 30 year old muscular body.” Is she hanging out with the same Andy we’re seeing? Or is she just being paid to say nice things about him? Maybe I missed the “little kid” side of Andy that Amber sees. I wonder if that “little kid” is still playing grab ass on the playground with all his other little male friends. And then touching each others wieners in the bathroom. This is getting disturbing. Andy needs to come clean right now before this show, and this column, gets completely out of hand. Just admit it, pal. You like 25 women, but you prefer 25 men in uniform.

-So Stephanie from South Carolina will obviously be this season’s whipping girl that all the other ones talk about. Why? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because they went to commercial earlier with Chris saying, “Everyone hates Stephanie from South Carolina….except Andy.” Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s the outspoken, obnoxious chick with the fake rack and moles that you can play connect-the-dots with? Don’t believe me? Stephanie: “I got the first impression rose, I got the first date, and when I get back from my date, I’m gonna run in the house with my rose.” Very subtle, Steph. I’m glad you’re being so humble about the whole experience and aren’t looking to win this thing at all. Her and Alexis are currently battling for top spot in “Reality Steve’s Largest Gums” competition. And since Stephanie’s gonna be around just a little bit longer, I guess Stephanie wins. Congrats, Gummy. You’re the first ever recipient.

-So after trying on a dress that would make a prostitute jealous, she decides on a longer, more formal one which accentuates the ten grand she spent on her rack. She meets Andy aboard his yacht and they immediately head to the bow where champagne awaits. So since “Titanic” came out, any televised date that involves a boat or yacht must also include the both dating parties to re-enact the “King of the World” scene. This must be in some contract or something since everyone does it. So these two do it and Stephanie sticks out her chest for all of America to see. Andy is Jack, and Stephanie is Rose. And I just jammed a wine bottle opener into my temple. Now, I know how much women love that movie, but ladies, you ask any guy out there if they enjoyed it, and he’s lying to you if he says “yes”. That movie was strictly made for your gender and your gender only. We wouldn’t sit through that if we knew sex, an apple pie, and the morning paper would be waiting for us afterwards. And if you ask me, Jack wussed out on Rose. He told her he’d never leave her, then instead of kicking someone already dead off a piece of wood to have for himself, he sits there and freezes himself. What a hero. I still can’t believe the troubled kid from “Growing Pains” ended up becoming the hottest male actor on the planet. I wonder if Kirk and his perm are jealous. Of course he’s not. He’s off thumping his Bible with wifey and their nine kids.

-Stephanie and Andy are already discussing wedding plans. Stephanie: “What’s your ideal wedding?” Andy: “It’d be a Hawaiian wedding. What about yours?” Stephanie: “I want a small wedding.” Andy: “All right, we’re having a small wedding.” Look, I know he said it in jest, and it’s not quite the same as Byron toasting Tanya’s family “To Christmas in Texas”, but still. If Stephanie wasn’t gonna be around for a while, there’s no way in hell he’d even joke about something like that. So to all the other ladies in the house, you might have to deal with Stephanie and her moles for a few more weeks. And her fake rack. They ain’t goin’ anywhere anytime soon. “Andy and Gummy sittin in a tree…”

-Gummy is at it again. “I got the first impression rose, I got the first date, and I got the first kiss.” Oh yeah, they kissed in the hot tub when her flotation devices were in their peak form. And although Andy has .00001% body fat on him, his chest is all jacked up. But enough about Andy’s chest, because Stephanie is freaking out about how well her date went. She practically climaxes when getting back into the limo and screams “He’s so awesoooooooooome! I can’t wait to see him again.” So you can slut yourself out even more? I don’t think it’s possible. Stephanie really seems to like her chances at this point. And who can blame her? She’s the only girl he’s kissed, Andy can do a full workout just playing with her cans, and she’ll give it up at the drop of a hat. What gay man wouldn’t love to be all over that?

-Time for the girls to make their final impression on Andy before Rose Ceremony time. Only three are getting eliminated tonight? Fifteen down to twelve? Man, not only are these episodes a half hour longer, judging by this pace, we’ll be seeing Andy propose right around the time summer rolls around. This is not good. Someone get on the horn to ABC and tell them to cut this out. I’m not happy about where this is headed. They have NEVER gone from fifteen girls down to just twelve in episode two. Maybe it’ll be like “Survivor” and they’ll go with the final three, instead of two. Ok, maybe not. But I can hope.

-At the cocktail party, Gummy knows she’s safe, so she’s gonna have a little fun at Alexis’ virgin expense. Gummy knows Alexis is a virgin, and is trying to get her to admit it. Gummy: “Ive been dumped for a virgin before….Who here is a virgin?” What a b***h. If Alexis weren’t home schooled and could figure out what you were onto, I’d say she had every right to slap you across the face. Stephanie: “Alexis has the upper hand right now, she’s a virgin. What guy wouldn’t want that?” Well, apparently Andy. He likes em’ down and dirty remember? You should. He’s told us that three times tonight. Alexis doesn’t tell Andy she’s a virgin, but does tell him she was engaged before, but didn’t get married because “divorce isn’t an option”. Andy agreed. The institution of two men united as one should never be torn apart if he has any say about it.

-Erin and Susan both made their last ditch effort to save their relationship….until Andy came by and sat between them. If these two aren’t an item right now, something is seriously wrong. No two women in this show’s history have become as touchy feely as these two have. And frankly, I’m all for it. Quit getting in their way, Andy. They’re not here for you. They’ve found each other and it’s a beautiful sight to watch develop. In fact, there is a lot of money to be made in a possible movie for these two. So unless you’re willing to play the role of the pizza delivery guy, back off. They’ve got a career ahead of them. Cue the music! “Bow-chicka-bow-bow”….

-Andy goes philosophical on us: “Everything would be perfect about this night if I didn’t have to send three women home. I’m a healer and a doctor, and the thought of instilling some pain in people doesn’t go well with my heart and mind.” Touching Andy, touching. That really gets right to the core of who you are as a person, a healer, and a doct…..wait, this guy’s a doctor! Holy crap! Why haven’t they mentioned this yet? We’re two episodes in and you’d think we’d know this by now, wouldn’t you? Amazing. And a healer? So he can just heal people no matter what their problem is? The fact that he calls himself a healer really bothers the hell out of me. Sounds quite self absorbing if you ask me. But who am I to judge? I had 19’9” inscribed on the back of my letterman’s jacket in high school.

-Tessa got some alone time with Andy so she could tell him the one about why did the chicken cross the road. Actually, she cornered him so they could each give each other foot rubs. Believe it or not, Andy was excited. “Tessa showed me something she hadn’t showed me yet – some affection”. Translation: I was hoping she’d show me her boobs. This foot thing is kinda creepy. Then Danielle is up next and says her right ear still had water in it from swimming that day, so Andy gave her a wet willie – with his tongue. Awwwww….how romantic. Danielle is on the radar now as someone to watch out for. She’s good looking, athletic, and has the whole “I had someone in my family who died recently too so maybe that means we should do it” thing going on about her. That could work to her advantage.

-Androgenous Bevin makes her last pitch by saying she’s been on her own since she was 15, is 28 now, and is looking for the same thing that Andy is looking for: a man to fall in love with. Over an hour into the episode and I’m still on the fence with Bevin. Part of me wants to jump on top of her, and part of me just wants to throw a football around the yard with her. When am I going to get an answer on this? I’ve never struggled with something like this my whole life. And the name Bevin certainly isn’t helping. For pete’s sake, if her name was Cinnamon it’d be a no-brainer. I’m having a real hard time closing my eyes and being intimate with something named Bevin.

-Back to Tessa for a moment because she’s becoming overwhelmed with the show. She leaves the party and heads upstairs to cry. Why? Well, because according to her, “I got sick of seeing fourteen girls dating the same guy….it would almost be better if maybe I didn’t get a rose.” Yeah, it would. Then we wouldn’t have to listen to this nonsense anymore. You joined the “Bachelor” thinking what? On the first night he’d tell the other 24 to pack their bags because he found the one he wanted, and that one was you? Tessa, the girl with the bad jokes and small toes. Not quite honey. ABC needs to milk eight episodes out of this abortion. Nothing in life is that easy. So go crack open your joke book for 2nd graders and see if you can impress again.

-Rose Ceremony time, but not before Andy tells the losing ladies tonight what they’re future holds for them. “Thank for these last few days….taking a risk with me….don’t take it personal if I send you home…I believe in trule love…and that person is out there for you.” Geez. Being a little presumptuous aren’t we, Andy? Why don’t you keep your opinions to yourself, ok Lieutenant? Thank you. Now give out your stupid roses.

-Eleven are given away since Stephanie the moley chick with the giant rack has already gotten her rose.

Tessa: What?!! Why?!!! Because she rubbed your feet?

Danielle: Nothing says “I’m into you” more than a wet willie.

Androgenous Bevin: She has the breasts that you’d see on a female body builder. Or maybe it was just the dress. Man, I’m struggling with this one.

Amber: That was a given. She won the Triathlon. Kinda mousy looking.

Stephanie: The “other” Stephanie. The one who does back handsprings and looks better that Ms. Mole.

Kate: When he announced her name, she said, “Shutup!” Some confidence she had. I’m guessing she’s not around too much longer.

Nicole: My guess to be the one in the ambulance next week. Either her or Tessa.

Tina: Can’t explain this pick. Meeting his Asian quota? I don’t know.

Peyton: Another cute girl who’s a professional sorority recruiter. Don’t know if that’ll be up to Andy’s standards. Probably not.

Amanda: Huh?

At this point, Erin turns to her lover Susan and says, “I think we’re both going home”, as Host Chris steps in for his final line of the night. “Ladies, Andy, after dissecting the Pythagorean Theorem backstage, I’ve come to the conclusion that 11 minus 10 equals 1. This is the last rose of the night.”

Erin: Her and Susan make out and fondle each other one last time before Erin moves on and Susan goes home. It was a very sad, touching, and erotic moment.

-So Tiffany the Bore, Alex the home schooled, old fashioned, strong moral valued virgin, and Susan the lesbian were sent home. And for the first time in I can’t remember how many years, they didn’t show one of them crying hysterically. I’m sure that really boosted Andy’s ego. These women don’t even care they’re being sent home. Well, Susan started tearing up a bit, but we all know what that was for. She wouldn’t get to pleasure Erin tonight.

-Next week they show Peyton and Tessa on a 2-on-1 date, meaning one of them will get a rose, and the other goes home. Oops. I guess that would eliminate Tessa from possibly being in that ambulance next week. If he picks Tessa over Peyton, something is wrong. Severley wrong. That one is a no-brainer.

-To update those who are visiting the MySpage page at: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. I did some re-arranging yesterday, I’ve since put up a video of my niece taken at Christmas time. Funny stuff, if you like seeing 2 1/2 year olds take a header on the slide. I also played musical chairs with my top friends list. Not because I felt some people were more important than others, not because I felt some people were less important than others – but because I could. So whatever you do, don’t take offense if you were up there before and now aren’t, or vice versa. I could care less where people are on my friends list, but since I hadn’t changed it in about 4 months, I was bored and had fun playing with my mouse. No, that wasn’t a sexual reference, believe it or not. I’m looking to possibly start up Dr. Reality Steve again, I’ve just stopped receiving emails about that, hence the reason there hasn’t been a column in a while. So any questions, comments, queries, advice, dilemmas, or horrible ex stories you may have, email them to me at: steve@realitysteve.com, and yours could appear in the next edition of Dr. Reality Steve.

-Reality Roundup you ask? Uhhh, sure. It’ll be here sometime this week. I have half of it written. I just need to sit down and write the other half. But I’m not going to give a day on when it’ll be up since I have trouble keeping my word when it comes to things like that. Pardon me. Until next week….

The Bachelor Links

Administrator The Bachelor 10 - Andy The Bachelor 10

-Good to be back, but it was not the greatest of nights. I didn’t get done watching the “Bachelor” til almost 1:00am, I just sweated out a 101 degree temperature, and about 3 hours ago, I became an uncle for the second time. So this is taking some serious dedication. I hope you realize this. So any flowers, candy, and gifts you have, feel free to send them my way. The things I do for my readers. Its unparalleled in the blogging world, really. The good news? I don’t have too much to write because a lot of last nights show was being introduced to the women, then the rose ceremony. I knew everything I needed to know about Lt. Andy Baldwin over the past couple weeks. In case you were unaware of this, he’s a doctor in the Navy. And hes competed in six triathlons. And he’s a humanitarian. And if I’m not mistaken, he’s the second coming of Jesus Christ too.

-So we already know that Captain America proposes to whoever he chooses at the end of the show. ABC made it clear they got that out in the first 2 minutes last night due to its recent track record of skirt chasers they’ve used as the “Bachelor” who haven’t exactly been sincere with their intentions for being on the show. But Mr. Perfect will definitely change that. He’s here to find the love of his life, and according to him, he has. So let the guessing game begin. Frankly, I kind of enjoyed last night’s episode for two reasons: 1) It wasn’t two hours long, and 2) They didn’t spend an inordinate amount of time showing these girls being picked up at their house and being told they were gonna be on the show. Thank God. Thats a waste of my time. Like I care how these women can fake act like they’re surprised they were chosen.

-So when 10 Minute Abs was a kid, he tells us he had 3 jobs: a paperboy, a lifeguard, and a lawn mowing business. Looks like all before the age of about 8. Wonderful. I was an expert at ruining my spiral notebooks by ripping out the wiring at that age. Hey, I have a question. Why didn’t ABC just tell us the things that Andy DIDN’T accomplish in his life by age eight? I think that would’ve been much easier. I’m thoroughly disappointed he didn’t pilot an air craft carrier, or discover a cure for AIDS, or maybe feed the hungry in a third world country. And he calls himself a humanitarian? Pssshaw. I donated $5 at church last week. Top that, Baldwin.

-So the show began as it always does, with Host Chris at the mansion, gushing about our Bachelor who’s about to show up. Has Host Chris aged in 13 seasons of this show? He looks exactly the same as he did when he introduced us to our only gay Bachelor, Alex, in Season 1. He’s either drinking from the fountain of youth everyday, or he’s had a couple visits to Dr. 90210. Lookin’ good Chris. You’re still cute as a button. No, I didn’t just say that. Well, I did. But I didn’t mean it. I swear. Whatever Chris’ secret is to looking so young and dapper all the time, he should bottle it up and sell it on an infomercial. I’m sure there would be suckers who’d buy it.

-Host Chris informs us once Richard Gere shows up that its his 30th birthday today. And oh yeah, enough with the “Officer and Gentleman” crap too. Please. Why do they have to add a subtitle to this show? Especially from a movie that was crap 25 years ago. I haven’t thought twice about that movie in ages, so why do they need to remind me of it? Especially since it’s leading male character has an affinity for sticking small furry animals in his rectum. Hey, I don’t care if its an urban legend or not, I believe it. Anyway, it’s Mr. Olympia’s birthday, so inevitably either he or one of the ladies would utter the phrase “this is the best birthday gift ever” at some point during the night. And of course, we weren’t disappointed. Adonis: “Just think, I could end up meeting my future wife on my birthday!” Or you could end up meeting the woman you kinda like, date for a little bit, then end up dumping….on your birthday. There’s that too. I’m leaning towards that happening. Call me cynical.

-So it’s time to meet the ladies. I think for the first time in a long time, they didn’t show every single girl appearing out of the limo. I was trying to keep track of which ones they showed stepping out of the limo, and which ones they just showed walking up to him. There were quite a few. So of all 25 women, only these made some sort of impression on me:

Alexis: First woman out of the limos. She was rocking the long dark hair, a black dress, and the large gums-small teeth thing.

Catherine: A former Miss Illinois. Tall blonde with implants. Could be a contender because, well, she’s a tall blonde with implants.

Amber: From Sugarland, Texas. You know how I know this? Because she told us, since she’s from Sugarland, “I’ll be the sweetest one here”. Oh, I get it. Because sugar is sweet. She thought of that analogy all by herself. She’s a bright one that Amber.

Blakeney: All I remember was that she was in Radio Sales, which means she’s either been hit on, or slept with, every other sleazy male sales rep in her office. It’s a given. That’s what male radio sales reps do.

Tina: She brought a fortune cookie with her that read “Your dreams become a reality”. Tina is Asian by the way. Just thought you should know that.

Stephanie: The “hanus” looking girl that was given the first impression rose. So she’s safe for the first rose ceremony. Can’t say that about her virginity though. For whatever reason, I think she’s slept with all of South Carolina. That’s my first impression.

Tessa: Told the worst joke ever to break the tension. “Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other, “It’s hot in here”, and the other muffin says, “Oh my God! A talking muffin!” Ba-dum-bump. Thank you everyone. Tessa will be here all weekend. Be sure to tip your waitress.

Kate: Kate made quite an impression on all of us because she was the only one of the women nice enough to wear a stripper dress on the first night. If that thing were any higher, it would’ve been a blouse.

Linda: She had giant bush baby eyes like that kid on “American Idol”. So she’ll be referred to as “Bush Baby”, at least until the end of the episode.

-So now we move into the mansion for a night of mingling, drinking, socializing, back handsprings, bickering, and more drinking. Stephanie, our first impression rose girl, is pretty happy about her rose. “I plan on getting rose after rose after rose til I get a ring on this finger.” Oh boy. Calm down Stephanie. I think it’s safe to say that Stephanie is not the one he ends up proposing to later on. And frankly, I’m still wondering who she slept with to get that first impression rose. I mean, every girl who walked up to Mr. USA was smiling and said something nice (or told a horrible, corny joke), so what made Stephanie stand out? I’m still scratching my head on that one. And apparently so is Lindsay. Lindsay is a 22 year old student from Kansas who’s as ugly as sin, but somehow was judging Stephanie. Interesting dynamic. More on Lindsay later.

-Bevin is someone who made an impression on The Patriot because she said she likes to mix it up a little bit. “You’re gonna like me cuz I like to get beat up.” Oh I bet you do, honey. And I’m certain Lance Armstrong will have no problem beating that up. I think Bevin could be around for a while. She’s cute, seems to be his type, already pretty much admitted to wanting to have sex with him, and well, her name is Bevin. I can’t say I’ve ever even heard that name before. Bevin? Is that short for something? Is it a nickname? Bevin Baldwin? Yucko.

-Tina, the Asian fortune cookie, probably had the line of the night. “I know I’m not the prettiest girl here and I don’t have the prettiest dress on…..” Just stop right there honey. You said it all. “….so I need to do something that will make me stand out.” So what does she do? She pulls her best Sanjaya Malakar impression, and sings the Star Spangled Banner for the 5th Baldwin brother. It brings him to tears. I was crying too. From laughter. Tina, I have a fortune for you: “One who sings horribly, does not get in Andys pants. Your lucky numbers are: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Namaste.”

-Lt. Perfect McPerfectstein has said some variation of this same phrase at least three times tonight and its really bothering me. He keeps saying that these women are not only gorgeous, but they’re intelligent, and they’re career minded. I know I’ve forgotten a lot about past seasons, but based off first impressions, this is probably the least attractive cast of 25 women they’ve had in some time. Don’t get me wrong, there are some cute ones, but there were no knockouts that I saw. But maybe I wasn’t paying attention and was so jaded by Andy’s lack of mistakes he’s ever made in his life, that I didn’t look closely enough. Maybe they’ll look better partially clothed. Or in a hot tub. But judging a book by its cover, I was not impressed for what its worth. Which isn’t much. I’m just being Mr. Shallow now. Don’t mind me.

-Another girl that Abs of Steel talked to was Danielle. I think she said she only had 2 serious boyfriends in her life and she believes in fate because one of those ex’s recently passed away. Mr. Red, White, and Blue says that he had an Uncle Tom who just died of pancreatic cancer, so I guess that means they have something in common? Didn’t quite understand that one. You had an ex-boyfriend who died, and he had an uncle that did. Ummmm, ok. Whatever. The point of them showing this was, once again, to make Andy look like the male version of Angelina Jolie. Apparently he’s also set up a scholarship in his Uncle’s name because he loves to give back. I feel about two feet tall now. Every guy watching this should. Seriously, can we stop already with this guy? I have trouble deciding on the meatball or tuna sandwich at Subway, and this guy is setting up scholarships for dead uncles. I think I’m gonna go run out in front of a car right now.

-Blakeney, the trampy radio sales girl, is apparently also a drunk. Good for her. She fell down next to the bar, she spoke incoherently into the camera, and after the show was over in the extras clip, we saw she did a beat boxing rap for Lt. Mr. Universe. Which was about as awful as you would think it’d be. So awful that Lindsay the Fugly Student took issue with her. They bitched at each other for a bit, Lindsay got all up in her face, Blakeney told her to get away in some slurred .20 speech, and that was that. No punches were thrown, no hair was pulled, and no nipples slipped out of dresses. So it was pretty uneventful if you ask me.

-It was also Peyton’s birthday that night as well. Gee, you think she was getting a rose? So they had that in common. And that’s about it as far as I could see. From Peyton, we went to Bush Baby. Bush Baby is convinced Lt. Baldy is for her. “Andy is a mirror image of me in a male form…..I’m very OCD in terms of my workout regimen.” I never would’ve guessed that by her 15″ biceps, her adam’s apple, and the penis she probably had between her legs. If that girl wasn’t on some sort of Human Growth Hormone or steroid, I’d be shocked. And ineteresting note that maybe only I caught, but only two of the 25 women were 30 years or older. Linda was one of them. And what a shocker, neither of them got a rose.

-Time for the Rose Ceremony. But first, Lt. Patriot must address the troops. “Thank you all for coming…..big risk…made my 30th birthday special…you’re all beautiful, accomplished, so talented, and so sweet.” Uh huh. Whatever. It is unbecoming of a naval seamen to lie to his constituents. And yes, I cannot believe it took me this long work in a “naval seamen” reference.

Girls getting roses: Peyton, Bevin, Kate, Alexis, Danielle (Connecticut), Amber, Tiffany (Massachusetts), Tessa, Nicole, Susan, Amanda, Erin, Tina…

Host Chris: “Ladies, Andy, for the 13th season in a row, I must inform you all, that I’ve done the math, and 15 minus 14 is 1. That means this is the final rose tonight.” Or something like that.

-Final rose goes to Stephanie from Kansas. She did a back handspring in her dress for Andy that landed her on the couch and made Andy give her a nice grope. Very slick by Stephanie. That’ll get her places in this competition.

-Immediately after he gave out the final rose, Lindsay the Fugly Student took off her shoes and took off, going on a expletive filled tirade that I couldn’t keep up with. One thing that I did catch was her saying repeatedly, “If I was blonde and had fake t**s, I would’ve gotten picked.” You know what Lindsay the Fugly Student? You’re probably right. Don’t lose sleep over it though. I’m sure after this performance, they’ll be plenty of guys knocking at your door. Go away.

Ok, time to head to the hospital to see my newest nephew. “Reality Roundup” will return this week. I promise. Until then…..

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