Posts filed under 'Dr. Reality Steve'
So as you know, we are joined this week by my ex-girlfriend Jessica. I find it pretty funny that some of you were half expecting her to come on here and rip me to shreds. Do you ever think I would’ve made myself look bad in my own column? Please. I’m here to make myself look good people. I was Mr. Perfect when I was with her….for about the first week or so. Well, maybe a month. Two months. As I mentioned yesterday, Jessica was the only girl I’ve ever lived with, but it was a lot different than what some of you may expect. I would say it was just circumstances surrounding the whole living situation, the timing, and where both of us were at personally and professionally that made it not work. And I couldn’t possibly be more vague if I tried. Ha ha. Without a doubt, there were rough times after the breakup, but I’m glad that’s all in the past, and we’ve been able to remain friends. So without further adieu, onto the column….
1) Dr. Reality Steve….I LOVE your column!!! You should take Dr. Phil’s place. And thank you for giving us the female perspective too! Sometimes you’re a little biased…ha.
So here’s my question: I have fiance that I’ve been with for the last 5 years, engaged for the last 2. He is my first real boyfriend since my divorce about 8 years ago. I love him a lot, and I know he loves me. I just find one thing about him that I can’t stand. His family. He’s very close to them, which is good, but I do not enjoy their company at all. Sometimes I wonder how in the world he even came from this family. His dad drinks a lot, his mother does whatever the dad says, his two older brothers are total players, and his sister is an outcast in the family.
I know what you’re gonna say…get out while you can, he’s gonna turn into them. But I swear, he’s the sweetest guy, he’s never done anything to make me think he’s going to turn into one of them. But having already gone through one divorce, I obviously don’t want to go through another one. I think he’s the guy, but the family thing really scares me. Do I say something now and risk offending him, or do I just keep my mouth shut and hope things get better? Please help.
Anxiously awaiting your answer,
Lisa
Reality Steve: Lisa, Lisa, Lisa….oh what to do with family you don’t like. I think we had a similar email last week from someone, and I’ll basically tell you the same thing I told her. You either go one of two ways with this: Either separate yourself completely from them and be a recluse every time there’s a family function, or do the opposite, and be completely over-the-top and challenge them on everything you don’t like.
That’s a hell of a family life he has. Drunk dad, passive mother, two players for brothers, and a sister who doesn’t fit in. Yet he’s the one who turned out normal? Are you sure? Are you just saying that because you’re in love and are looking past some things? You might really want to look into this one.
And just one other thing: You’ve been engaged for 2 years? Why hasn’t the marriage happened yet? Look, I’ve never been engaged, but I can pretty much guarantee when I do, I don’t need to stay engaged for two years. Makes it seem like I’m still deciding if I want to go through with it. Obviously I don’t know your situation or maybe your schedules and timing aren’t matching up, but a 2 year engagement is something I don’t get. The idea of proposing to someone is because you want to marry them, correct? And you wouldn’t propose unless you had a certain time frame of when you’d like this marriage to happen. And I’m under the assumption you two had talked about it before he proposed. I say if you’re not hitched within the next year, something’s wrong on his part.
Jessica: I have seen great guys who come from messed up families turn out to be the most attentive and caring partners. However, I have also seen crazy in-laws destroy a marriage. But, it really doesn’t sound too bad on your end. There are a few questions to ask yourself though. Are they disrespectful to you in your home? Do they constantly tell you what you are doing wrong? When his dad drinks does he turn cruel with his words or act violently? Do they show love to their son? How often are they around?
If they just annoy you, suck it up. Sounds to me like you are happy with this man so don’t go creating problems where there are none.
2) Dr. Steve,
Are you ever going to be on TV with your advice? I think you should. It’s hilarious! My problem: I’m very insecure about my chest size. I’m a 27 year old woman living in L.A., but have always been on the smaller side. I think I’m attractive, have never really had any problems getting guys before, but, I’m very self conscious about my chest. I’m seriously considering getting implants because I think it will improve my self-confidence. I know guys like women with big boobs, but do you think by getting implants it’ll cause more or less problems?
P.S. - My friend thinks you’re cute but she’d never write you a million years.
Paula
Reality Steve: Paula, by all means, get em’ done. Get em’ big, get em’ full, and get em’ so it feels like a paper weight is in there.
Will it cause more or less problems? Well, depends on how you look at it. Do you consider it a problem when guys who wouldn’t normally pay attention to you start to? Do you consider under-their-breath comments after you walk by a problem? Do you consider less eye contact on a date a big problem? If you say “no” to all three, then go ahead and do it. You will definitely get more attention, and we all know women love attention. And you might even land a guy or two that you might not have had a chance at if you didn’t. However, those guys might be very short lived relationships. Put it this way, it can never hurt to have a bigger chest in guys eyes. I mean, we’re guys. It’s part of our makeup to look at breasts. Some are better than others. So whether or not it’ll cause more or less problems is determined by the types of guys you’re into. Guys will stare no matter what.
I do have an etiquette question though when it comes to implants. Say you’ve known someone for a while and then all the sudden they go from a “B” to a full “C”. What’s the proper etiquette the next time you see them? Do you acknowledge their chest growth with a, “Hey, you certainly got bigger”, or “Wow, those are nice!”? Or do you not acknowledge what has just transpired on her chest since you both know its obvious. But then being a woman, she might get offended she just spent 5 grand on something and wasn’t complimented on it. I’ve only known one friend who got implants while I knew her. My response when I saw her? “Damn.”
Jessica: Don’t do it!! First off, you sound like you are only going to be doing it for the male species and that is just crap. Second, women with smaller breasts look way better in clothes. Take it from me, every time I go to try something on, things just don’t fit right or a cute little summer dress turns into a trashy one because of the overspill of boobage.
Oh, and a little hint about guys…they like any sized boobs, as long as you are naked, nothing else really matters.
P.S. Tell your friend not to be so shy. I have plenty of stories about Dr. Steve that we could talk about. 
Reality Steve note: Yes, and ALL of Jessica’s stories about me would be nothing but glowing praises. I mean, I’d be shocked if she found any faults with me.
3) Dr. Reality Steve,
You have to help me out over here. I cannot stop fighting with my boyfriend. Seems like every conversation we’ve had for the last month has turned into an argument. Let me give you a little background: I’m 25, he’s 29. We’ve been dating around a year and a half, officially, that’s because we started to get together when he was with his last girlfriend, who just so happens to be a mutual friend of ours. Or should I say “was” a mutual friend of ours. She no longer speaks to us. That’s a whole other story in itself.
But it seems like he’s been on edge recently. Everything I say upsets him, everything I do is wrong, and he’s just been mean. He says he’s stressed at work, but I don’t know if I believe him. He’s never been like this before, and I’m getting worried either he’s cheating on me or is looking for a way to get out. We also haven’t had sex in about 3 weeks, which is very unlike him. Anytime I ask him if he’s ok or whatever, he just snaps at me. I hope this is just a phase he’s going through, but I don’t want to lose him. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Wendy
Reality Steve: Wendy, I’d get out of that as soon as possible. There’s obviously something bothering him that he’s not telling you, especially if this behavior is coming out of left field.
You gotta talk to the guy and not be afraid of his response. I think you are a little, and that’s why you’ve shied away from talking about it. If the guy can’t speak to you in a calm, non-confrontational matter on something that’s important to you, well, then he’s just a douche bag and you probably shouldn’t be with him.
As for the sex thing, look into that too. Go through his emails. Check his cellphone for any weird numbers. If you honestly think he’s cheating, that’s how you’ll find out. And if you find out he is by doing that, then it doesn’t matter you became a snoop. You found out what you needed to and you’ll leave him anyway. If you snoop and find nothing, and don’t get caught, then no harm done. However, if you snoop, find nothing, and do get caught, uhhhhhh, he’ll probably lose all trust in you and you’ll never come to me for advice ever again. So just don’t get caught is what I’m saying.
Jessica: Tell him to get on Paxil. Kidding.
When a guy starts creating problems he is not happy. Yes, it could be stress but there is also something else there. Sounds to me like he is trying to get you to break up with him. But, you can’t know anything for sure unless you talk with him. You are 25 and a grown up. If you have been in a relationship for over a year you should be able to speak openly and honestly with him.
Don’t ask him what’s wrong though…tell him how you feel and how things are affecting you. If he can’t even listen to you, get out. Not worth it.
Oh, and once a cheater, always a cheater. Believe me.
Reality Steve note: For the record, Jessica’s last line was not referring to me. Our breakup had nothing to do with cheating issues. I think it was the guy before me.
4) Dear Doctor,
I’m a happily married woman of 5 years with no kids. My husband is very financially stable, and I do a little work on the side, but not much. Lately it seems like my husband is resenting the fact I don’t work. He makes comments here or there that he never made before. I kind of shrug it off, but it does kinda bother me. However, something else is kinda worrying me. He’s become quite a bit more sexual as of late. We’ve always had a decent sex life, nothing to complain about. But lately, he’s started to suggest things and do things that kind of surprised me. No need to get into detail, but it’s more or less stuff you’d see in porn. Which is where I think he’s getting them. I started to look at his credit card bill recently and noticed some charges on there that didn’t seem right. Should I ask him about this, or does that make me come across as a snoop? Should I just let it go for a while or confront it right away? It’s not that I’m not completely put off by this new sexual side, I just don’t know where it comes from. By saying something, I feel I might embarrass him or he’ll get mad. And honestly, it sounds like my marriage has issues, but it doesn’t really. We are very happy together and look forward to having kids someday, just not now.
So what are your thoughts? Would love to hear what you and your ex-girlfriend have to say. I can’t believe she’s agreed to this for you. I think it’s neat that you guys are friends. Thanks again and look forward to hearing from you.
Jo
Reality Steve: Sweet. Another potential snooper. Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do. Although, in this case, unless its stuff that you just flat out don’t want to do, I wouldn’t say anything. Just go with it until you think it crosses the line and you feel like you’re making a mini-porn. Unless of course, you’re into that sort of thing.
You’re bigger issue is him commenting on the fact you don’t work. Did it not bother him enough before and now it does? You gotta find out why. Could be something very serious, or it could be nothing. But if its about work, that involves money, and money is the cause of most couples problems. Maybe he feels he’s getting a pay cut soon, or even laid off, and this is his way of throwing out there you need to get back in the workplace. Probably not the way any normal husband should go about doing it, but hey, it’s possible. Find out how his job is going and maybe that could lead you to some answers.
Jessica: First off, if his underhand comments bother you then say something about it. It sounds to me like things are bothering him and he has kept it in until now. Little comments like that are a good sign that your man is holding much resentment. I am the queen of little comments so take it from me, talk to him about it now before it gets any worse.
Second, more sexual is good. Maybe he is just trying to spice up your life together. “Same old same old” does get a little boring. Don’t look too much into it. Enjoy it until it starts making you feel uncomfortable. Stop second guessing things by wondering where they come from…women really need to shut off their minds every once in a while.
Reality Steve note: Is Jessica “the queen of little comments” like she says? Ummmm, yes. But hey, at least she knows it and admits it.
5) Please Dr. Steve, let me know what you think. I’m in my mid 30’s, never married, I think I’m attractive, have a good job, and own my own house. I just can’t seem to find the right guy. I date probably 2 or 3 times a month, and have dated some really great guys, and have dated some duds too. I usually get set up with people through work, or friends, and have even had a couple of online dates. I’ve noticed that most guys seem nice and interested in the beginning, and then for no reason, I don’t hear from them anymore, or the communication gets less and less. Like I said, I think I’m attractive. I’m not a waify model, but I’m not overweight either. I think one thing about me is that I’m shy, and maybe they’re taking my shyness as being someone who’s not interested? Is that possible? I tend to be a little overtly sexual too, like wearing low cut tops, and am definitely flirtacious. So I don’t know what is I’m doing wrong, but its definitely something. Anything I can do to help find Mr. Right? Thanks.
In Search of My Next Boyfriend,
Rhonda
Reality Steve: Since I’m not following you on your dates, I couldn’t possibly know what’s wrong here. Maybe what you think is “overtly sexual” is crossing the line to them? Although, I don’t know what man would be offended by a woman being overtly sexual. Other than Jake Gyllenhaal.
The best advice is just to keep doing what you’re doing and eventually Prince Charming will come riding in on his white horse and whisk you away to Never Never Land. Or wherever the hell he took Cinderella to. Did Prince Charming and Cinderella end up getting married? Do we know this, or was it never revealed? Did they have a one night stand, and then he left her to get with one of her older step-sisters? I think someone should update that story to make it more juicy. Pumpkins, and dresses, and horse drawn carriages, blah, blah, blah. Let’s add some scandal to that story. Like Cinderella walking in on a threesome that the Prince was having with the two sisters she hated the most. I should write movies.
Jessica: Whoa, you are shy AND overtly sexual? I think right there you are sending out mixed signals. A combination of both is good though, as long as you take out “overtly” from the sentence.
No, seriously, it doesn’t sound like you are doing anything wrong except for actively looking. I am very serious when I say no one should ever look for love. Every time I have looked I have been disappointed. Every time I have resolved myself to be single and not worry about it, I have met great guys. I know it is what everyone says but it is so true. Enjoy your life and your experiences while you are in them. Keep going on dates and have fun. Stop looking at the guy across from you as a possible “Mr Right” that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Guys can sense these things and nothing makes them turn tail and run away more than a desperate woman.
Hang in there, it will happen when it’s meant to.
Reality Steve note: Jessica and I weren‘t looking for each other, and things just kinda happened. However, our relationship also began under circumstances that were different from I’d say 99% of couples out there. And I think she’ll agree, in the end, it’s probably what ultimately led to its downfall. From personal experience, my best relationships have all happened when I wasn‘t looking.
The Bachelor Links
November 8th, 2007
-Dr. Reality Steve is joined this week by Amanda from last season of the “Bachelor”. Now, some of you may not remember her and are asking, “Which one was she?” I will have you know that Amanda did nothing memorable during her three episode stint on the show, and she’ll have it no other way. Didn’t get piss drunk and start cursing like a sailor, she didn’t cry uncontrollably when dumped, nor did she start any cat fights. So it’s safe to say she’s probably one of the most normal ones who appeared on the show. Which makes me even question why she did it in the first place. Normal people don’t do the “Bachelor”. Its for wannabe actresses or models, or self absorbed women. Hell, I even went back to my first three columns from last season to see if I even said anything about her, and all I found was one paragraph. Good for her. Hats off to Amanda. Hope you enjoy….
1) Dear Dr. Steve
I have a problem: I hate both of my brother’s girlfriends. And the Holidays are coming.
My brother in law just recently got unengaged after being engaged (he’s just 21) and brought his rebound girlfriend on a recent family trip. She was a disaster. She tried really hard to be nice to everyone and nobody liked her. We all thought she was trashy and rude. She called my aunt and uncle names and complained when my brother in law spent time with me instead of her. I have not received confirmation that they’ve officially broken up and I’m terrified of her being there to ruin our Hanukkah.
My brother’s girlfriend is a little better but not much. She’s controlling and manipulative and treats my brother like dirt. I get that they used to be good friends once, but being angry with someone because they didn’t say good night to you after a 4 hour phone call which ended at 3 am, the night after your grandpa died is not ok! I’m trying to extend the olive branch with an invite to a football game but she says she doesn’t like football. Who doesn’t like football!?!?
I need some coping/sabotaging skills quick.
Thanks for your help,
Elie
Reality Steve: I’d pull your brother-in-laws rebound girlfriend aside at the next family function, and pummel her into submission. That’ll teach her for calling your aunts and uncles names. Or if you want to be a little less subtle than an ass kicking, I’d just embarrass her and degrade her in front of everyone else. She seems to have no problem doing it to your family, so maybe you should return the favor and see how she likes it. And when she doesn’t, she’ll want out of the family altogether, and your bro-in-law can go find a new trashy, rude rebound girlfriend.
And if you’re bro-in-law recently just got un-engaged, and not only got himself a rebound girlfriend, but brought her on a family trip, then yeah, he’s trying way too hard to replace his ex-fiance. Family trips are for someone you’ve been seeing for more than 6 to 9 months in my opinion. You didn’t specify how long they were dating, but it seems like that was the first time you met her (or one of the first times), so I don’t think they’d been seeing each other that long. So I don’t think you have to worry about that relationship lasting long. Either she’ll get the hint you all hate her, or she’ll realize he’s only using her as a defense mechanism for his broken off engagement, and she’ll leave. You should be all right.
Now your brothers girlfriend, whoa. A four hour phone call and she gets upset because he didn’t say goodnight? It’s in situations like these where I usually refer back to an old phrase that I used to throw around in college quite a bit. It’s called “D.T.B.” for short. Dump The B**ch. Plain and simple. If she’s making his life miserable over something stupid like that, I can only imagine what she’s like when he leaves the toilet seat up. Or the dishes pile up in the sink. Or he doesn’t make his bed. Please. I don’t know their situation at all, but pass along that he needs to get out of that as soon as he can or else we’re looking at a “Sleeping with the Enemy” situation with your brother playing the role of Julia Roberts.
As for you and what you can do, I see one of two options. Tell each of them in private that you don’t really approve of each girl that they’re dating, but you respect their judgment and you’re gonna give it more time because maybe it was that time of the month when you met each girl. Or just stay out of everything completely, watch both relationships fail, and just say “I told you so” in the end. If you think these women have legitimate shots at someday becoming members of your family, I’d go with option #1 and let your feelings known. If not, just lay back and watch both relationships fall apart on their own.
Elie,
It sounds like you are at least trying to be nice to these girls even though you don’t care for them. That’s good and that’s pretty much all you can do. What I like to do when people are being rude to me or my friends for no reason, is be extra super sugary sweet to them (over the top so they know it’s sarcastic) and it annoys the heck out of them. Sometimes it makes them realize what a jerk they are being. I tried this tactic in the Bachelorette house! haha (just kidding) You need to remember that although your opinion of the girlfriends does not agree with your brothers’, it is ultimately their decision who they want to be with and you need to be supportive as much as possible while still letting them know your concerns. Trust that everything will work out as it should and enjoy the holidays regardless of whose company you are in. It’s a time to bring families together!
Reality Steve Note: We all know Amanda didn’t do that in the Bachelorette house because I would’ve commended her for it and wrote more than one paragraph about her. Amanda should never have gone on the show in the first place. We’ve established that already.
2) Hey Dr. Reality Steve,
Love the column. Please keep it going loooooonnng after the Bachelor ends. Here’s my dilemma that I could use a little help with. My sister is two years older than me and has been dating her boyfriend for almost a year. He’s a good guy, treats her well, and my family seems to like him. Well, lately he’s started to be extra nice to me and even sends me emails just checking to see how I am. He never did this before. If I wasn’t so naive, I’d think he was flirting. Do you think he is, or is he just trying to get in good with his girlfriends sister? I’ve noticed when we’ve all hung out, he’s very touchy feely with both us, which is also kinda new. Should I bring something up to my sister, or just leave it alone until he makes a real move on me? Thanks.
Sara
Reality Steve: I think it seems pretty harmless at this point, so it give it a little more time. But the minute he starts feeling you up when your sister isn’t looking, yeah, then you should kick him in the nuts and call the police. This dilemma has all the makings of a good made-for-TV movie on the “Lifetime Channel”. Probably something titled “What My Sister Doesn’t Know”. It would air 10-15 times a week. Tori Spelling would play the naïve older sister. Patrick Muldoon would play the creepy boyfriend. And some other “Saved by the Bell” retread would play the role of our friend Sara here who sent in the email. And in the end, the boyfriend will become so infatuated with the younger sister, that at some point, will utter the line, “You’re the one I’ve always wanted. We’re meant to be together!” Dun-dun-dunn!!!!!!!!! I should make movies in my spare time. Or stop watching the Lifetime Channel. One of the two.
Sara,
Are you sure you don’t have a thing for your sister’s boyfriend and are reading more into this than what is really there? I can totally understand where you are coming from because I too have a sister who is 2 years older than me and we have always looked a lot alike, hence attracting the same type of men. She has a great boyfriend whom I love as a brother and we keep in touch sometimes without her being involved. It’s because as their relationship grew, so did ours since my sis and I are so close. That’s natural and the way it should be if you like the guy and vice versa. Don’t turn it into something creepy without anything happening and definitely don’t mention anything to your sister. Sounds like there is nothing to talk about really.
However, if this is not the case and he is hitting on you, making it more obvious as time goes on, I would just casually mention to your sis that he has been emailing you, etc. and see if she knows about that or is surprised in any way. Don’t say that you think her boyfriend is hitting on you — ever. That should nip it in the bud because either she’ll say “that’s nice of him” or “really? what a jerk! we’ve been having problems lately…blahblahblah.” Either reaction should clear the air.
Reality Steve note: I’m curious to know if Amanda has ever dated the same guy as her sister. Not at the same time, of course. But just in general. You can get back to me on that one.
3) Dr. Steve,
This may sound totally bizarre and off the wall, but I don’t care. I’m attracted to my dentist. Not so much him as a person, but just the way he works. I seem to get pleasure when his fingers are in my mouth. Is there something wrong with me? He’s probably 20 years older than me, but I literally get anxious every time I have an appointment because of the way I feel when I’m in the chair. Should I see a doctor about this?
K
Reality Steve: Ummmm, K, this is totally bizarre. And I have no idea what to make of this. You enjoy mens fingers in your mouth? Ummmm…..errrr…..uhhhhhh….check please.
K, if I were a real doctor I probably wouldn’t know what to say to you. Have you shared this with anyone else? What do they say? Did you suck your thumb longer than most kids? Do you always have a pen in your mouth? Do you have any other fetishes I should be freaked out by? I don’t really know what to say. I think you should definitely talk to someone about this but I have no idea who. I don’t think you have a major problem. I just think you have a bizarre one. People shouldn’t get turned on by their dentists fingers.
K,
GET A NEW DENTIST!!! Nobody likes going to the dentist, so if you do for whatever reason, there is something wrong with that! You don’t need to see a doctor, you need to see a new dentist and make it a female!
4) Dr. Reality Steve….ok, you have to help me. I’m going crazy and I don’t know what to do! Let me begin by saying I’m a 23 year old virgin. I don’t mind that people know, it’s something I’m proud of, and pretty much everyone close to me knows this. I always tell any guy I start dating as well, and none of them seem to mind. Well, in the beginning they don’t.
Every single guy I’ve dated recently always says they really respect it, and they’re proud of me, and then I get dumped sooner or later for whatever reason. They say it has nothing to do with me being a virgin when I know it is. It’s too obvious. I’ll be in the moment with them, they’ll always try by giving me some dumb line about “Don’t you want your first to be with me?”, and then when I say no, their whole mood changes.
Well, lately this guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months has wanted it real bad, but I don’t find myself put off by it. I haven’t held out on sex for religious reasons, and I never told myself I was gonna wait until marriage. It’s a choice I’ve made to want to lose my virginity to the right guy. Well, I think this one might be the right guy. But I’m afraid that if I do it, things will change. What if he’s just saying this to get me to sleep with him and he doesn’t really care all that much? What if I do it and regret it later? I know I’m beginning to sound like a 16 year old, but in the past, it’s been easy to say no. I really like this guy and think he could be the one to lose it to. I just don’t know how serious he is. Is there any way to tell? Please help.
Confused in Arizona
Reality Steve: Well, considering I’ve never been a woman and have no idea what it’s like becoming de-virgin zed, this is a toughie. As a guy, we’re all looking to lose our virginity the first opportunity we can get. I’m guessing it’s a little different for women. Call me crazy.
The real answer here is, there is no answer. How will you know if he’s the right guy? You won’t. The answer will only come after you decide to do it and then see how things change, if they do. If they don’t, you know you made the right decision. If he becomes a lying dirt bag after you give it up and adds you as a notch above his bedpost, well, then I guess that’s a life lesson. Every guy has different intentions, so there’s really no way to know for sure. Considering you’ve only been seeing this guy a “few months”, you should probably hold off if you’re that worried about losing your virginity to the wrong person. Give it more time. If he sticks around, then he’s probably serious about it. But if he starts feeding you the “Don’t you want me to be the one?” line, then kick him in the nuts and call the cops. That seems to be a solution for everything nowadays.
Don’t worry, the longer you wait, I’m sure the pressure from friends and society will get much, much better. Because heaven knows how much virgins are put up on a pedestal by those non-virgins. Ummm, yeah. Get to steppin. I think you should have sex tonight just to get it out of your system before you drive yourself crazy.
Confused in Arizona,
I can really relate with this as I have a lot of friends who are waiting as well. Don’t think you’re the only one, by any means. I really admire your courage to stand up to these men for the past 23 years and know that you have decided to do so for personal reasons, whether they be religious, health-conscious, romantic, or just the way you were raised. You said you’ve never told yourself you were going to wait until marriage, but just for the “right guy.” Aren’t those one and the same? You know, and your past experience evidences, that this is not at all the “popular” choice or something that a lot of guys are willing to work around.
But you know what? If you meet the guy for you, he will be willing to wait because he will respect your decision and feel special knowing that you were waiting for him. You’ve already waited 23 years and that’s more than probably 98% of the population can attest to. Do you really want to throw that away on this guy you’ve been seeing for a few months? Stick to your guns and you’ll see how this new guy reacts as time goes on. If he’s willing to wait a long time, like a year, he’s willing to wait however long YOU decide — and that’s all that matters.
Reality Steve note: It’s nice to see women siding with women for a change. I thought you all hated each other? The world is a better place today. I’m gonna go find a rainbow and take a picture.
5) Dear Dr. Steve,
You’re probably going to make fun of me for this, but I figured I’d ask somebody what to do. Please don’t use my real name. A lot of my friends read your column and they might figure out it’s me. Just call me “Abby”, since this is like a “Dear Abby” column.
I’m going to make this short and sweet. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and he’s the greatest guy ever. We just have one major problem. He’s starting to get really bothered by the fact that I don’t like giving oral sex. I haven’t done it the whole time we’re together, and the fact that its built up this long, I have a feeling if I do give in and do it, it’s not going to be any good and things will get worse. I’ve talked to all my friends about it and they say I should, but it’s almost like the pressure is too much right now and there’s no way that anything I do will be good enough. I can’t really say I’m an expert doing that anyway. I have a feeling I’m going to let him down. Am I being a prude for not doing this or is he being a jerk for getting frustrated that I don’t? This is so embarrassing!
“Abby”
Reality Steve: I would first like to get a moment of silence for Abby’s boyfriend. The pain that he has endured over the last year and a half must be excruciating. I feel for ya’ pal. We’re all pulling for you.
So, anyway, Abby….yeah, uhhhhh, you need to fix that problem. Immediately. This is going to become an issue, I’m sorry. No man should have to suffer this type of torture. Do you pull wings off of butterflys too? Do you run a dog fighting ring? Because what you’re doing is pretty much the same form of torture. Ok, maybe not. It’s worse.
Abby, you’re a woman. He’s a man. Just like you have needs, he has needs. And those needs include a hummer every once in a while, whether you like it or not. To be honest, I’m astounded he’s lasted a year and half. Do me a favor. Next time you guys are holding hands, see if his skin seems a little extra coarse to you. If it is, you next to get on the ball (no pun intended), and quick. You could be losing him.
Just remember, your boyfriend doesn’t like watching the “Notebook” just as much as you don’t like performing oral sex. But it doesn’t mean he won’t watch it with you. For the sake of humanity, give the guy a little action.
This email brought a tear to my eye.
Abby,
He’s just being a normal guy and you’re definitely being a normal girl. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s actually more common than you think. Trust me, NO girl likes to do it and EVERY guy has to have it. It’s the way the world works! Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable and if he doesn’t understand and pressures you about it, move on — the guy’s a jerk. However, if you are comfortable enough with him to actually discuss it and he can, for lack of better words, “coach” you through it, make your man happy and just do it! I bet it’s not as bad as you think, and heck, you’ll probably get rewarded for it yourself, and that’s when your sexual relationship will move to the next level. You’re not being a prude, but just relax, it’s really not that big of a deal.
Reality Steve note: Hallelujah! Listen to Amanda. Just suck it up and do it already. Oops. Bad choice of words.
Thanks again to Amanda for her cooperation this week. It’s much appreciated. Be sure to join us next when, hopefully, my ex-girlfriend Jessica will be our guest columnist. I say hopefully because, well, she said she’d do it. Let’s hope she follows through. If not, there’ll be an emergency guest columnist of my choice. I’ve got no doubts that Jessica will do it, I just don’t know if it’ll be next week. Whenever it is, I’m sure it’ll be about the most interesting thing I’ve read in a while. Until then…..
The Bachelor Links
November 1st, 2007
Joining us this week here on “Dr. Reality Steve” is Michele Leavy from this season of the “Bachelor”. She had the unfortunate pleasure of being only the 2nd women in Bachelor history besides Bevin to have the paramedics come and cater to her during the show. Why, you ask? Well, I’ll let her explain, and then on to this weeks questions…..
Hi all!! It is Michele Leavy a.k.a. Jersey Girl here from Season Eleven’s The Bachelor. Yes it is me, Michele, not Michael, but Michele. So let’s make that clear (with a smile). I was so excited that Steve asked me to be a guest columnist for this week that I jumped, not fell, but jumped at the idea.
On that note, my big fall; I want to clear a few things up. On the day in question, the girls and I were out by the pool. At one point I mentioned to Lindsey I could not get stung by a bee because I’m allergic. Low and behold, I jinxed myself. Just about a half-hour later I got stung by a bee right by my crotch…ha-ha I know what a place to get stung. I quickly became dizzy and nauseous, so I just grabbed my towel and went to my room to lie down. Lindsey told the producers that I was allergic so they called in the doctor on hand. I was freezing cold and shaking. The spot were I got stung was swelling up a bit (kind of gross if you think about where I got stung.) After about half-hour, I didn’t want the girls to think I was playing up my so-called injury, so I “attempted” to go downstairs. I don’t remember much other than I was at the top of the stairs with Lindsey and then I was at the bottom of the stairs.
I woke up to screaming and everyone around me including a camera in my face. I knew it was serious because I was having difficulty breathing. The paramedics were called and I was placed on stretcher with a neck brace and they took me to the hospital. I was hospitalized and in extreme pain. In the end, I had a concussion and bruised all my ribs. I was prescribed Vicodin and was not allowed to go on the Malibu date to my dismay. We all know what happened after that. I was sent packing…and crying. Boy was I crying. I have never cried over a guy, not even over my ex-boyfriend of four years, but then here I was crying on national TV over a guy that I only met four days earlier. Gee, I guess it was the Vicodin talking. I am better now though it did take 6 weeks and lots of Vicodin.
I hope you enjoy my responses.
P.S. The stripes are gone…
1) Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of two years. Now, a few months after the break-up, one of his friends is expressing interest in me. We went to dinner once and had a good time. However, the next night he invited me to an annual event held by one of his friends. Well, last year I attended with my ex. So I don’t really want to be “that girl” that goes one year with one guy and the next year with another. That just seems kind of shady (and somewhat incestual), so I rambled something to him about not thinking I’d be comfortable going. But I realize now that I didn’t really explain my reasoning very well, and it’s been nearly a week and he hasn’t called again.
Another issue with this guy is that, although he’s been nothing but sweet to me for the two years I’ve known him, he could be considered a “career criminal.” His record shows no indication of violence, but I just don’t know if I could be with someone with his background. Therefore, regardless of his friendship with my ex, I don’t feel we’d have long-term potential. By the way, he knows that I know he’s been in prison (he did a stint last year), but he doesn’t know that I’ve seen his laundry list of felonies & misdemeanors.
What do you think, Dr. Reality Steve? Should I throw caution to the wind and give this guy a chance?
Sincerely,
“Not That Girl”
Reality Steve: I think you’re being a little too hard on yourself. Criminals are great guys. I think everyone should date criminals. You’ll rarely have any drama in your relationship, I’m sure there isn’t anything he’d ever hide from you, and most definitely, everyone will look at you two as America’s Happiest Couple.
You stated in your email that you thought there was no long term potential, so it seems like you’ve already pretty much made up your mind on your feelings about dating Mr. Ex-Con. The fact that he’s your ex’s best friend, as I stated in an email last week, is never really a good idea. And going to the same event, back to back years, with two different guys who are friends, yeah, I could see where people might look at you a tad differently. Like maybe you were the town slut. Good idea not going.
All in all, it seems like you should just separate yourself from the situation. Sounds like the criminal has blown you off since you blew him off, so I guess there’s not much to worry about. If you find yourself thinking, “Well, maybe I was a little harsh and should’ve given the career criminal a chance to make babies with me”, then I’d just leave it at that - a thought. Yes, everyone deserves 2nd chances in this world, and you can’t judge a book by its cover, but a leopard never changes his spots, and once a criminal, always a criminal, and I’ve completely run out of cliches to use. But you get the point. There are plenty of other great single men out there to choose from. Hey, have you tried online dating? I heard that thing works wonders.
Michele: Dear “Not That Girl”,
First of all, he is a criminal. Why would you ever date a criminal? There are many amazing men out there that hanging out with a criminal is just plain silly. So here is your answer- DO NOT date him anymore. Besides I think that you already knew the answer to your own question.
In response to the “That Girl” factor- to be honest with you, I would NEVER want to be “That Girl”. It may be just me but how people view me is extremely important, sometimes too much. Dating for the past 15 years, I have never dated a guy from the same town, nor have I ever dated someone’s friend that I have previously dated. Then again, my view is a bit too strict for you. Some people may say who cares about how others think of you and just go with what makes you happy. Truthfully I would not date one of my ex-boyfriends friends not matter who dumped who or why the relationship ended. I would stay away from creating a messy situation.
So move on.
Reality Steve Note: Michele’s never dated someone from the same town? Really? That’s odd. Maybe it’s an East Coast thing. I’ve never really heard of someone doing that. Or maybe I just read that wrong.
2) Hi Dr. Steve!
A friend of mine (female) is 23 years old and has never had a boyfriend, never gone on a date and has never been kissed. She’s a fantastic girl, smart, funny, cute (although a bit overweight, still has the great curves) and just generally a great person.
She really would like to date someone, but she’s too shy to go out there and meet new people. Do you have any suggestions on how I can help her with this situation? Thanks!
-A Good Friend
Dear Good Friend….I think you should start hanging around hotter women. I’m kidding. I really think this is more of a girl question. Guys don’t have this problem. I don’t have a guy friend who’s lonely and can’t get a date and asks me for advice. Not saying that all my guy friends are male models, because they’re not, I’m just saying that most of them are married, and even if they weren’t, they’d never ask me what they could do to increase their social life. And keep reading. Michele’s answer is excellent.
Michele: Dear A Good Friend,
Wow, this one stumped me. I have been thinking about how to respond for days. It seems so easy but in all actuality it is a bit tough. So what do I say and how do I start? Well first, tell your friend how amazing she is and how much you respect her. Then ask her to write down what makes her special/unique from the other girls. On the other side of the paper have her write down a few things that she feels she can improve about herself, physically and personally. (Don’t have her write too many, you don’t want to make her depressed.)
After all of the writing, have her reflect. Make her repeat three times out loud the three best qualities she has and ask her to try to change or improve the one quality she feels she should change. Over the next few days, help her and remind her how wonderful she is. Help her with her hair and makeup. Maybe go shopping together and pick out a cute/sexy but not too over the top outfit. Maybe a hot new pair of fitted dark jeans and a sexy v-neck little black sweater. Two very classic pieces that I love to wear out. Buy a new pair of black boots, ones that she can wear under the jeans or if she feels like a rock star can wear over her jeans for that edgier look. Have her buy some new jewelry, either a great necklace or a funky pair of earrings. Lastly pick up the new line of MAC cosmetics. (FYI- If she wants, the makeup artist can do her make up a few hours before the two of you go out. This way she will really look beautiful.) Make plans to go out now that she is a new woman. Help your friend with her hair. Make her wear it up with a messy do then later in the night she can take down to show her sexier side. I suggest a sporting event (my favorite-hockey). I find that sporting events is a good way to grab a guy’s attention.
Now remember, you will need to do a little research before attending the big game. Read up on one player’s stats, what his position is, his number, etc you get my point. While at game make sure your friend sits next to someone of the opposite sex. Even if he may not be her type of guy, this will still work. Have her scream/get excited over a play/player. This will impress the guy next her. It will then be easier to start up a conversation. Then she can ask his opinion on the team, her player and his thoughts about the game. This will make the guy feel important and as if she really cares what he thinks. She can then explain she does not come to events often and may need a little explaining on certain aspects of the game. Again this will make him feel important. If they hit it off, she may be invited to another game. After the game, I suggest going to the local bar nearby. This is where all the real fans go. When the two of you arrive, make her point out the one guy that she wants to talk to. Then she can go up to him and ask him if he was just at the game. This is an easy way to start up a conversation. I hope after all of this she can handle talking to him and is able to hold her own. If all else fails, as a good friend, you can make yourself look stupid so she looks better…also tell her to keep repeating the three great things about herself in her head. Oh and tell her to smile a lot, occasionally touch his arm and laughing- one more thing…tell her to wear the perfume Body by Victoria Secret just behind her ears so when they are whispering he can smell her…
Well if all else fails, have her hang out with me. I will make her dance center stage so that Brad, oops, I mean the man she is interested in, falls for her, while I am left sitting on the couch alone. Hehe…just kidding.
Reality Steve Note: Gee, you think Michele has ever had to do this before for a friend? Man, that thing couldn’t have been any more detailed if she tried. Did really just make that up as a suggestion? No way. And I think it’s genius that women put perfume behind their ears, so when guys lean in at a bar to talk to them, they can smell her. Maybe I’m just a complete idiot, but, not until I read Michele’s answer did I know women did that. I just thought I was smelling whatever they had sprayed or rubbed on them that night. Behind the ears? That’s genius. I guess that means I should spray some of my Bvlgari Black on my….forget it.
3) Dearest Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m in a major pickle right now. I’m currently having an affair with a married man. He’s 36, I’m 28. He’s been married for 3 or 4 years to his wife who’s around his age. The affair has been going on for the last 9 months. I really don’t know what I want out of the whole thing. We haven’t even discussed him leaving his wife, and we both seem content on just keeping this between us. I get confused - sometimes I want him to leave, and sometimes I don’t. But believe it or not, the situation is not making me miserable. I kind of enjoy the way things are going. I still date other guys, but he’s pretty much my “fall back” guy.
One problem: I work with both of them. He’s my manager, and she’s his secretary. I know that sounds horrible, but, it’s just the way it is. As far as I know, his wife doesn’t suspect a thing. The three of us have even been out to lunch together on a few occasions. Yeah, it’s awkward, but I’m surprised they’re even together. They don’t even act like their married.
I know what I’m doing is wrong, intruding on someone else’s marriage, but he doesn’t seem happy with her anyway. Should I just end this now before things get worse? Seems like an easy question to answer, but I’m really torn! Please help.
Anonymous
Reality Steve: I really hope for Anonymous’ sake that her boss and his wife aren’t Reality Steve fans. Holy sh**. You’ve lunched with them before? Do you go shopping with his wife and do each others hair too? Why not just invite them over for Christmas while you’re at it?
Obviously, having an affair with a married man is wrong. It’s even more wrong when you work with him and his wife. The lunch thing just takes this problem into a whole other stratosphere. I can’t believe you’re actually ok with this. I mean really, do you get enjoyment out of this affair? It almost sounds like you wouldn’t even mind if his wife found out. Maybe because then you’d get some finality out of the whole thing. Either she’d end up leaving him and you could have him to yourself, or your affair will end.
I get that people like a challenge, and you always want what you can’t have, but the line has got to be drawn somewhere. And by no means am I pinning all the blame on her, it’s just as much on the douche bag husband than it is on her. Why is he even still married then? What’s the point? I’m guessing probably because kids are involved, but, deep down, I want this guy to get caught. I think it would be better for all parties if someone exposed this whole thing. And then the husband will be either be without a secretary, or the mistress will be looking for another job.
Michele: Dear Anonymous,
First things first, what you are doing is wrong. Of course what he is doing is wrong too but you know better than that. As a woman I would think that you would not do what you are doing to another woman. It is just down right awful. You would never want some woman doing that to you. You have got to think about being in her shoes. Obviously the man is not happy with his wife because if he was he would certainly not be cheating. And come on, he will never leave his wife for you…and if he does would you ever be able to trust him?
You are probably happy playing the field, not getting too emotionally attached and liking the on-off attention, not having to be smothered by someone yet still feeling wanted and adored. I get it; I think we all get it. There are plenty of men out there that are single and available and share the same views as you do. Leave this married guy by the wayside. You can do better and deserve better. Meet someone new, talk to him. You can be in charge of the relationship. You can set the standards and take lead. You can call him when you want, you can make the terms of when you see each other. You can be a “guy”. Try it out. Try being a “guy” in the relationship. Most importantly talk to him. The key is open communication. You do not want to hurt someone or lead them on so be honest with your feeling and where you stand. Who knows your new “fall back guy” may turn into your “prince charming”.
Good Luck!
Reality Steve Note: So Michele likes being the guy in the relationship? I knew there was a reason I liked her.
4) Hello Dr. Reality Steve! I just started dating a guy three months ago that I met through a friend, and things have been great. The only problem is (if you can call this a problem), is we have sex ALL THE TIME!!! I don’t mind it at all, but, I’m not sure if I’m liking him because I’m liking the sex, or if I actually do like the guy. I mean, I don’t want to tell him to slow down because I want it just as much as him. But if it just keeps up at this pace, I’m not sure if this is just a lusty, physical attraction thing or not. What’s the easiest way to tell someone you’re seeing you’d like less sex without hurting their feelings?
Amy
Reality Steve: Amy, for the sake of all that is good, never tell your man you want less sex. No matter how you phrase it, it won’t turn out good in the long run. Yeah, probably this relationship is doomed already since it seems like it’s nothing more than physical lust, so you need to decide if that’s what you want. I’d either end it completely, or just keep doing what you’re doing. There’s no middle ground on this one.
You see, you even admitted that you want it as much as he does. And you’re hesitant to tell him to slow down because you already fear he might take it the wrong way. My diagnosis is you guys are just two little horn dogs who like having sex and the relationship will ultimately fail. But it doesn’t mean it has to fail right now. That’s up to you. Telling him you’re cutting him off will probably send him to someone else. And I get the sense that you’re in need of sex at all times, with no strings attached. Hey, is there another one of you around the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex? Just wondering. You know, for a friend of mine.
Michele: Dear Amy,
I think you should have waited to have sex with him until after you realized if you liked him or not. In my opinion, I think if you wait four months and he is still around then he obviously likes you and you like him then you both could take it to the next level and become intimate. However it is a little too late in this case.
So for now, I suggest making plans to do things out of the bedroom. Go to dinner, go to the movies, and go to a sporting event. (Ha-ha.) Make plans to go out with other people so that you are not just alone at home on the couch or in the bedroom. Have a romantic evening out on the town and make him treat you like Cinderella. Talk more, express your interests and make plans to do something totally crazy and off the wall. Make plans to do something that you would never do but because he is there to support you it would be great for you to both experience it together. For instance, go white water rafting or do something that takes support and encouragement. If he is there for you then you know he is a keeper. If he helps you through climbing a small mountain or takes dance lessons with you, he is there supporting you and obviously cares about you. Try getting to know him better- get in his head…understand him…trust him and love him. Then the sex will be even more amazing…the sex may turn into LOVE.
Reality Steve Note: I love the way women and men think. Michele and I couldn’t have been on more opposite ends of the spectrum on this. She’s talking about love, and understanding, and trusting, and loving, and I’m telling her to either crank up the sex more or get out. Awesome. That’s why having a guest female columnist is a brilliant idea. I deserve a pat on the back for this one.
5) Best column EVER!!!!! We love it over here at the office. I hope someday it ends up in a magazine.
Here is my question: I’m a 25 year single girl in New York City that likes to date. I probably go out 2-3 times a week with different guys. Some are good, some are bad, some are great. What keeps happening though is I seem to be attracting really sleazy guys that are constantly staring at my chest during dinner. I know guys like boobs, and if you have them, you’re gonna get looked at. But it gets uncomfortable at times. And it seems like the guys that I really like are the most guilty ones. The guys who I’m not into as much are the ones that look the least. Is this normal? Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive about it, but, I find myself looking at them to see if they’re looking at my chest all the time now. And I’ve been caught not paying attention to what they’re saying a couple times.
Should I just start wearing less revealing clothing, or, just weed out all the pervs?
Thanks so much. Can’t wait to hear what you have to say.
Leslie
Reality Steve: Leslie, I don’t have breasts, so I have no idea what it’s like to own a pair, but I’m guessing its pretty damn cool. You get a lot of attention, they look good, and if they’re big enough, you’ll even get attention from guys that normally wouldn’t give you the time of day. Why? Cuz’ guys are pigs, that’s why.
Breasts fascinate me. And I’m not talking about size because I could care less how big or small they are, but I’m just talking about how guys act around them. Leslies email is a perfect example. Some guys can’t stop staring, and some guys only stare when she’s not looking. Trust me Leslie, the guys who you don’t think stare are staring. You just haven’t caught them yet. It’s almost like a natural reaction for a guy. Don’t be offended. It’s something that’s been going on since the beginning of time and will continue to go on for centuries to come. Just don’t be naïve enough to think that there are ones out there who aren’t interested in how big your chest is.
So please, for all your dates sake, don’t wear more clothing. That’ll do them no good. Studies have shown that men’s interest in women is in direct correlation to their interest in her breasts. This study was conducted in my apartment by the way. So keep dating, wear what you feel comfortable in, and eventually you’ll find one guy who doesn’t pay any attention to them, and not only will he become your best gay friend, you’ll find yourself asking, “Why isn’t he looking at my breasts?”
Michele: Dear Leslie,
You sound a lot like me. First off, I think it is great that you can go out and have the confidence to date. Good for you. Live it up. Second, we all know that guys can either be totally sleaze balls or perfect gentleman but until we find our true love, we got to go through them all. I do not think wearing a low cut shirt is going to make a man stare. They will stare anyway even if you are wearing a snow suit. If they are nice gentleman the only place they will be staring is into your eyes. It is all of the jerks and idiots that stare at your boobs. The even bigger idiots are those that talk about your boobs on the radio. Sorry I just went off track…umm…you know who you are- and yes you are an idiot.
Okay so back to you. If you feel that you are wearing clothes that are too revealing, then yes, maybe you should cover up a bit. Really though it is all about you and your confidence. Clearly you do not want your boobs on display if you are at a 5 star restaurant but a little cleavage never hurt anyone. Good luck and don’t over think…boys will be boys.
Reality Steve Note: You mean an FM DJ was talking about a Michele’s breasts on air? No way! DJ’s never do that. Was he doing it in his cheesy, puking, DJ voice too? What a douche. Michele, I wouldn’t let it bother you. If he’s talking about them, take it as a compliment since they obviously made an impression on him. I think they made an impression on all of us. And that’s a good thing.
Thanks again to Michele for helping us out this week. She will definitely be back for a return appearance on Dr. Reality Steve in the future. Keep sending your emails in to steve@realitysteve.com as next week, we’ll be joined by Amanda from last season of the Bachelor. Yet another one of Andy’s ex’s. You may not remember Amanda, and frankly, I didn’t write much about her when I went back and checked, but just know she can’t wait to answer your emails. Should be a good time. See you all next week….
The Bachelor Links
October 24th, 2007
We have the pleasure of being joined this week by my favorite cougar, Jayanna from “Age of Love”. In case you haven’t heard the hour long pod cast I did with Jayanna a couple months ago, check it out on the site. It’s good. This is definitely a woman who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. And we here at Reality Steve appreciate honesty, insightfulness, and women who openly admit to buying toys with buttons on them. Keep reading, you’ll understand. Onto the latest edition of “Dr. Reality Steve”….
1) Hey Dr. Reality Steve! I LOVE this column. Keep it up! So here’s my dilemma: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. Your typical couple that makes you sick to your stomach: always kissing, always holding hands, always lovey dovey with each other (we each have pet nicknames for each other that I’m sure would even make you more sick!). Anyway, we are very happy together, both in our early 20’s, and have already discussed marriage. Here’s my only little problem (and please don’t use my real name, I feel so embarrassed asking this): He is, shall we say, not as well endowed as other men I’ve been with.
I know that sounds horrible! But it’s true. I think the sex could be better if he weren’t so….small. Does that make me a bad person that I want someone who’s bigger? I don’t know how big of an issue it is, but the fact I’m emailing a complete stranger about it makes me think it might be. Is this something I could actually bring up to him? He’d feel crushed, wouldn’t he? I don’t know what to do! Help!
Confused
Reality Steve: I really wish I could help you here, but due to my lack of knowledge in the area of small packages, I’m at a loss for words. This is completely foreign territory to me. I’ll defer to Jayanna on this one.
Jayanna: Dear Confused,
I think it’s great that you are so “sickening” in love….it’s a beautiful thing! I LOVE, LOVE!! Now regarding your dilemma, the last thing you should do (after dating this guy for 2 years) is bring to his attention that he has a small penis… “HE KNOWS HIS JUNK IS LITTLE…..TRUST ME! That conversation will crush him! If you are wanting to be with someone else because you are looking for a bigger package, I’m not so sure you are in love with him as much as you think. I have been in your shoes and all I can say is, “If you love this guy, you’ll stick with him and go invest in a nice, fat, fun dildo (with lots of buttons)!” Think about it…#1, this will add some new excitement into your relationship, #2, you get to keep the love of your life (so you say) and #3, you don’t have to risk losing this guy for some jerk with a BIG JOHNSON that treats you like crap and cheats on you! (Not that all guys with big c**ks are like that) I’m just playing the devils advocate on this one. You need to ask yourself if this boyfriend of yours is a better friend or lover. If he was “the one”, I’m sure the small problem wouldn’t be an issue….(for you that is…I personally like them big!)
Reality Steve Note: Gee Jayanna, tell us how you really feel. I’d like a little more honesty from my guest columnists.
2) Hey Steve….great column. My girlfriends and I read them to each other on a weekly basis and then come up with how we would answer them. Please continue this column once the Bachelor ends. We need something to talk about at lunch every week.
Anyway, this one is short and sweet. My girlfriends and I were discussing this and couldn’t come up with a majority answer. What’s the main reason men cheat?
All of us have been in realtionships with guys we thought would last forever, until we found out he cheated on us. I particularly, did everything for my boyfriend - cooked, cleaned, let him watch sports, etc..and then after a year, he breaks up with me (by lying to me of course), and then I find out not only did he cheat on me the last couple months of our relationship, it was with a stripper! Still makes so mad to think about that….GRRRRR!!! Anyway, why would a guy who had everything in the palm of his hand, give it up to go fool around with some trashy pole dancer? I don’t get it.
Keep up the good work.
Alison
Reality Steve: Why not just ask me “Why is the sky blue?” I don’t even know if there is an answer to this question. And if there is, even someone as omnipotent as myself doesn’t have the answer. But I sure as hell will try.
Why do guys cheat? I don’t know. Boredom? Money? Because they can? Options? I think there are a lot of factors. None of which I would really know too much about since I haven’t cheated on anyone since high school. And that shouldn’t count since every guy cheated in high school. We were walking hormones back then. If I had to guess, I’d say guys cheat for the same reason women probably do: they like someone else better. Or the person they’re with just doesn’t do it for them anymore. Those are the only two I can think of that make the most sense.
Now, let’s have a little fun with your ex-boyfriend. How’d that work out for him? I mean, strippers lead such a calm, stable lifestyle. I’m sure they’re very in love. Does she pay for dinner every once in a while with $1 bills? Does she wear her clear heels out to the nice restaurants? Does she have a Kardashian stripper pole in her place? Have you ever read the paper she wrote on the after effects of the Cold War? I’m sure it was very insightful. Strippers are smart. Just ask them. They all seem to be stripping so they can put themselves through college and get their Masters. Uh huh. Sure you are honey. Your thong has a better chance of ending up in the Smithsonian than you do.
Jayanna: Hey Alison,
WHY DO MEN CHEAT?????? There is no (one) right answer to this question. Men cheat for different reasons…as do women!! And remember, NOT ALL MEN CHEAT! Here are my answers as to why I think men cheat: Insecurity, Lack of confidence, Lack of respect for themselves & the women they’re with, Validation (to prove they can get it). Which is kind of a funny one, because the smart man could prove to himself he could get action without having to go through the motion. It’s called “catch & release”. LISTEN UP GUYS! You can reel a women in with your charm, have her eating out of the palm of your hand by the end of the night and then GO HOME TO YOUR GIRL! But I think the biggest reason of all is FEAR OF DEATH!! They need to get it while they got it! As far as your last boyfriend is concerned (the one that cheated with the stripper)…he did not appreciate you at all! He is the kind of guy that needs to be with a demanding bitch from hell. You did WAY too much for him! Don’t change who you are. Stay being the loving , caring, kind girlfriend and you will find “YOUR MAN”…and he will totally love you and appreciate you!
Reality Steve Note: I like this Jayanna woman. She’s goin’ places.
3) Hey Steve…..I’m a 34 year old married woman that looks Iike I could pass for my mid 20’s (so I’ve been told). My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for the last 2. I work in an office of mostly men in their mid 20’s, a lot of them are extremely good looking guys, and even though know I’m married, are constantly hitting on me. One even told me specifically last week, “I bet your husband doesn’t appreciate what he has.” That was really nice to hear, and the guys at work constantly are complimenting me, and treating me to lunch.
All this flattery sometimes makes me want to stray. I don’t think I ever will because I love my husband very much, but in all honesty, these guys are better looking than my husband (I can admit it). So I guess my question is, do you think this is just me liking all the attention, or deep down, maybe do I want to be with someone else? I don’t think I do, but when I hear what these guys say to me, it’s really flattering and I kinda like it. Or are these guys just feeding me lines? Thanks for your help.
Thanks,
Donna
Reality Steve: Donna, I feel your pain. I know. What are we to do when beautiful people such as ourselves are constantly looked at as pieces of meat by the opposite sex? Can’t we just be loved for our minds? It sucks being so damn perfect.
I’m sure if you’re in an office with a bunch of horny, mid 20’s sales guys, and you’re one of the few attractive women, then yes, you are going to get hit on. A lot. Whether or not it’s warranted is up for debate. And that’s no knock on your looks since I don’t know you at all, but when all the guys in office are horny, and there’s only one decent looking female, her looks get enhanced to the 100th degree. It’s kind of like the beer goggles analogy, only without the alcohol. If that makes any sense. Basically, you’re their only option at this point and they’re with you for most of their day. And the fact that you’re married, gives them an even bigger challenge. Because you’re unattainable, it makes them
want you more.
If I were you, I’d tease them to death. Flirt with all of them. Even hint that you’re not happy with your husband, and the thought of leaving him has crossed your mind more than once. Then after a while, start focusing in one guy, pay more attention to him, maybe even have lunch with him. Then when he thinks he’s got you and starts to make his move, act completely surprised, tell him he must have taken your signals the wrong way, and that you have no intention of ever getting with or anyone else because you’re married. His ego will be shot down, every one in the office will think you’re a giant tease, and they’ll leave you alone. Then go file a sexual harrassment suit, get millions of bucks, and leave the company with a big smile on your face. Problem solved.
Jayanna: Hi Donna,
I HAVE GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!!!! You are going to be just fine!!! Don’t you know that those hot little “boy toy” hotties in your office are in their prime?? And guess what….SO ARE YOU!!!! I do not believe that they are feeding you lines when they compliment you. I’m sure they want to pull you in the janitors closet and do all sorts of naughty things to you…but who wouldn’t? You sound hot! My suggestion, take it all in while you still got it girl! Drive those boys crazy….they will love you even more, and respect you especially if you do not stray from your man. Because trust me, you will probably be disappointed in the end. Your husband loves you and he knows exactly what he has….that’s why he married you!! PS: Can you e-mail me some pics of those cute young boys? They sound yummy!
Reality Steve Note: I don’t know if Jayanna’s boyfriend would like her being sent pictures of yummy 20 year olds. But maybe they have an open relationship, who knows? If they do, I’d like to suggest a yummy 32 year old for her.
4) Help me Dr. Reality Steve, you’re my only hope. I hoped you liked my Princess Leia reference.
I have a best friend of mine (a female), who wants me to set her up with one of my best friends, who’s a guy. I’ve known him, let’s call him “Dan”, for 8 years now, and we’ve done a lot together. We tried dating about 6 years ago and it didn’t work, but grew very close after that. I’ve set him up with a couple of my friends before, but nothing ever came of it. Well, just recently, “Dan” seems to be paying even more attention to me and is even throwing compliments my way when we go out like “You look really nice” and “I can’t believe you’re still single”, stuff he’s NEVER said before.
So with that said, it’s made me feel that maybe “Dan” and I should try something again since we’re a little older and more mature now. But with my friend begging me to set her up with him, am I being selfish? I just know she’s gonna say, “You haven’t liked him like that for 6 years and now all the sudden you want him?” So I don’t really know what to do? Should I just put my feelings aside, since I really don’t know what his feelings are, and set him up with my friend? Or, should I talk to him about us maybe trying something, and not bring up my friend?
I love your column by the way. Your answers are hilarious! I hope you actually have to good advice for me though! Ha
Julie
Reality Steve: Julie, I’d keep him for yourself. He obviously wants you. Why? Because he compliments you. Guys don’t compliment chicks they don’t have an interest in. Or, at least want to get sex from.
The bigger issue here is your friend. Why does she have to have “Dan”? Isn’t there any other guy out there for her? How long have you been friends with her? You might want to question your friends loyalty to you. It could be a case of her wanting what she can’t have. Maybe she sees “Dan” likes you and just wants to butt in because she doesn’t want to see you with him for whatever reason. I say get with “Dan”, then tell her all the details and see her reaction. If she’s happy for you, or at least acts happy, then no one gets hurt. But if she gets mad at you, then she wasn’t a real friend to begin with. Sometimes you just gotta be selfish. Especially when it includes you getting some. “Julie and Dan sittin in a tree…..”
Jayanna: Julie! Julie! Julie!…What the hell are you thinking!? Put “your” feelings aside? Are you kidding me? Dump your friend off a bridge and tell her to go find her own man! OK, that’s a little harsh. Maybe you should set her up with your brother or something! Anyways, Dan is yours! It sounds like the feelings between you and him are mutual and now the timing just might be right for you both. Think “JULIE FIRST”. The reason nothing has worked out with your other friends dating him is because he wasn’t into them. If you put another girlfriend in front of him, you might as well tell him to go take a hike! It sounds like he wants to see “your” interest in him. So, go get him and fill us in with the juicy details!
Thanks again to Jayanna for helping us out this week. Hope you guys enjoyed it. I know I did. I think she’s a keeper. Keep the emails coming to steve@realitysteve.com. Next week, our guest columnist is someone who let go by Brad this season. I’ll give you a hint: Naaaahhhh, you’ll have to wait. Tell your friends. Tell your friends’ friends. And guys, tell your mistresses. See ya next week….
October 17th, 2007
Dr. Reality Steve returns with guest columnist Lisa, from the “Bachelor: Rome” with everyones favorite Bachelor, Lorenzo. Or not. Even Host Chris has admitted that Lorenzo wasn’t one of their best Bachelors. Now, I’ve been doing Bachelor re-caps since Andrew Firestones season, and I can honestly say, I’ve gotten more emails from readers regarding Lisa than any other Bachelorette in history. So I figured before we get to the questions, I asked Lisa to address a couple of the things she was most known for, notably the wedding magazine that were at her house the day Lorenzo visited, and the wedding dress she tried on. And oh yeah, that whole biological clock thing. Lisa, the floor is yours, then onto the questions….
You all might remember me as the tree-hugging wedding dress-wearing bachelorette from The Bachelor - Rome. And I know that I came off as slightly wedding obsessed and little fanatical about a five-year plan of being married with kids by the age of thirty, but I can assure you that isn’t the real me. Yes, I did have two wedding magazines in my home, but I also have copies of “Runners World” and “This Old House”, which doesn’t mean that I plan on running a marathon or updating my kitchen anytime soon. Plus those magazines were at least 3 years old! And yes, I did try on a wedding dress in front of Lorenzo. But to set the record straight, I did not already own a dress nor did I know that my friend would be bringing one over. She was handed it about 5 minutes before knocking on my front door. However, I did put the dress on and I could have refused but I didn’t think that it would be that big of a deal. Oops! Lorenzo knew that it was totally ridiculous and set-up and in the end it did not change his feelings towards me.
This past year has been quite the experience and I am honored to play guest advice columnist this week. To all the readers who submitted questions to Dr. Steve, I hope that you find my suggestions helpful!
xoxo,
Lisa
1) Hi Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m hoping that maybe you can give me an outside opinion on this little “situation” I have found myself in. I have been casually seeing someone for the past few months. I say casually meaning, we probably see each other about once, maybe twice a week. Neither of us were wanting to jump into anything too serious so we’re having a good time with each other, but leaving it non-committed.
To give you just a bit of background, I am 28 years old, he is 25 and neither of us are virgins. Well, I feel like we have gotten to the point where we know each other fairly well, and we’re ready to take that next step in our physical relationship. Only thing is, the last few times that he has come over, he hasn’t brought any protection with him. The first time it came up, I asked him if he had any with him, he said no. I then told him that if he would have, we could have used it. He seemed disappointed so I figured for sure he’d bring something with him the next time he came over. Well, sure enough, he didn’t. I once again asked him and he said no, that he didn’t want to seem like a “prostitute bringing a condom over to my house”.
Why do you think this is? He knew he could get some if he brought protection. Is he just not wanting to take that step because he’s really not that into me and doesn’t want to lead me on? Or maybe he’s just not ready to take that step yet. I’m just confused by his behavior. I’ve never had this type of thing happen with a guy before. They’re usually the ones pushing me to take that next step. I know you may be thinking he’s gay… But I honestly don’t think that’s the case. We have done everything else physical there is to do, except for take that final step. Although, he is what you would call metro-sexual. But I think he just likes to look good, which is fine by me. So, pushing the gay idea to the side, what are your other takes on this situation?
Thanks,
“Ready for the Big Bang!”
Reality Steve: Ummm…he’s gay. Ha ha. Kidding. I think.
In a situation like this, where a female is asking me the male perspective on something that the male gender does, it is best that I take the situation in question, and apply it to my own life. Do some real soul searching and ask myself, “Have I ever been in this situation, and if so, how did I react?” I feel you can really get to the heart of the matter and come to a solid resolution by doing this. With that said, I can honestly say this has never happened to me and never will. Because I’m not gay.
We are men. A lot of the thoughts that twirl around in our head during the course of the day revolve around the female and her body parts and things to do with them. The fact that you told this douche in so many words, “Hey buddy…bring the jimmy next time and you’ll be getting some” and he STILL didn’t, raises a giant red flag. How can it not? If I had forgotten to bring protection, and she said that to me, before she got the “Hey Buddy…” out of her mouth, I would’ve made like the Flash and been back from liquor store before the blood flow had died down.
So honestly, I have no idea what’s wrong with this guy. Other than he likes guys. And over the course of the day, while us manly men are thinking about other women, this guy is probably TiVo’ing “Project Runway”, deciding when he’s going to get his tips frosted, and making small talk with his friends about Jake Gyllenhaal.
Lisa: Dear “Ready for the Big Bang”,
After reading your question a couple of times, a few things seem pretty clear. You have either met the first male on the planet who doesn’t think with either head or he just isn’t that into you.
If he wanted to have sex with you he would have probably gone to the nearest store and been back in five minutes. If a normal guy even thinks that there is a possibility that he is going to get some action he will come prepared or drive/bike/run to the store as fast as possible.
Disregarding the whole metro/gay thing, it seems like even if he didn’t come prepared the first time he would have for sure come ready the next time, so I’m sad to say that he just might just not be that into you (which is weird because most guys will gladly have sex with girls that they aren’t that into).
So you have a couple of options. Give him a third chance, but three strikes you’re out and then you need to move on. Or buy some condoms yourself and see what happens. If that still doesn’t work, you might want to try introducing him to your gay cousin, neighbor, co-worker, or hairdresser with the realization that every girl needs a gay friend and you have found your perfect match!
Reality Steve Note: Something Lisa just said struck a nerve with me. She states that, “Most guys will gladly have sex with girls they aren’t that into”. And I‘d like to set the record straight and say that couldn’t be further from the truth. And when I say “further from the truth”, I mean “without a doubt, 100% accurate”. So I’ve heard. From other friends who have done that sort of thing.
2) Dear Reality Steve,
Love your column!! I am also glad that the doctor is back because I have a question that definitely needs the male perspective. I am in my mid-30’s (36 to be exact) and married to a wonderful 41 year old man. This is my second marriage and he puts my ex to shame. My husband cooks, cleans, shops, and does the laundry. Our only issue is sexual. I have always had a high sex drive, but it’s increasing even more. Unfortunately, my husband’s drive is decreasing. When we do have sex, it is out of this world! I just want it more. I cannot fathom any form of self-pleasure so that is out of the question - besides, why should I have to do that when I have a warm, though unwilling, body next to mine? Please advise if there is something I am missing or need to do.
Thank you,
Horny in Minnesota
Reality Steve: I have a real problem with this email. Mainly, the fact that your husband “cooks, cleans, shops, and does the laundry.” WHAT? They make guys like that? Next thing you’ll tell me is he actually listens to what you have to say. Wow. This one‘s definitely a keeper. Just tell him to turn in his man card the next time the boys go out for drinks and he decides to stay at home folding sheets and baking cookies.
This is also the 2nd or 3rd email Dr. Reality Steve has gotten, where a woman past her 40’s is talking about her sex drive being through the roof, but she’s with a man who can’t match her level. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I mean, is this what I have to look forward to? Low sex drive? Isn’t the saying that men reach their sexual peak a lot earlier than women? Like, in our twenties, whereas, women don’t hit their peak until their thirties? That really bothers me. We may have hit our peak in our twenties, but speaking for myself, I’ve been peaking since I peaked. If that made any sense whatsoever. Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m as much a horn dog now as I was when I was fresh out of college. Hell, you people have read my column. I think that supports what I just said, doesn’t it?
There’s a problem here though. You say the sex is out of this world, yet its not happening as frequent as you like. Well, I think you and your husband have a different definition of “out of this world”. I can’t imagine if it was out of this world for him, it’d be happening as infrequently as you say it is. You need to sit down, tell him to take off his apron, put down the neatly folded clothes, and listen to what you have to say. You want more sex, and he’s your only option. If he’s not willing to keep up his end of the bargain, you’ll be forced to find it other places. If that doesn’t scare him into sex, nothing will.
Lisa: Dear Horny in Minnesota,
Have you and your husband talked about this issue? I think that is the first step. The second step might be that he should see a doctor about his decreasing sex drive. I hear that they make a great blue pill these days for this type of thing. Another possibility would be for the two of you to see a sexual therapist. It seems like he is invested in all other aspects of your relationship so there is either an emotional or physical issue that the two of you need to work out… together.
PS… Victoria’s Secret has some great lace numbers on sale right now.
Reality Steve Note: Victoria’s Secret has yet to come out with a product that I don’t approve of. We need more Victoria’s Secret in this world, and less Starbucks. I think I should be a spokesperson for VS.
3) Hey, Steve,
First, let me say that I love, love, love your column. Now, on to my dilemma. Over the spring, and most of the summer, I dated this guy who seemed to be perfect. Actually, I’ll back up, and tell you that I met him at my high school reunion, and even though we’d never run in the same social circle in school, we really it it off at the reunion. Anyways, we talked pretty much every day for two months and he even drove the 45 minute-distance to see me numerous times (and we’re talking about NYC traffic and parking). Things seemed to be going great–until I made the mistake in August of introducing him as my boyfriend to one of my friends. Guess what? He ran for the hills.
Although I called him several times over the next few weeks, he never responded, except with a cryptic text message that said something like, “I’m not ignoring you babe I’m just sacred [his spelling, not mine] have a good night darling.” This was at 1:30 am on a Sunday night/ Labor Day morning, so I’m assuming he was drunk when he sent it. Although I know I shouldn’t be calling him so often (and I will be checking out that book Alexis recommended), I’m really, really baffled. I mean, I know he (kind of) did give me an explanation for why he bolted, but I feel as though he took the coward’s way out in ending our relationship. Is an appearance in person/ phone call too much to ask? And why
do guys do that kind of thing, anyways?
Apologies for making this so long, but thanks!
Katherine
Reality Steve: Let’s first point out the fact that for all you people out there who have yet to believe in the power of Dr. Reality Steve, Katherine just told us that she will be purchasing the book that Alexis recommended last week. Not only is this column blowing up worldwide, but it’s also selling product now. You’re welcome, authors of “It’s Called a Break-Up Because it’s Broken”. There. Another plug.
You ask whether or not an appearance in person or a phone is too much to ask. Under normal circumstances, the answer would be “no”. But since this guy could’ve qualified for the 2007 Douchebag of the Year Award (great skit, SNL), then yeah, that is asking a little too much. See, when you’re a D-bag, telling people the truth, acting like a grown adult, and common courtesy are things you just don’t relate to. Hence the reason this guy bolted the minute you introduced him as your boyfriend.
I like the fact that this guy says, “I’m not ignoring you babe” in a text message, even though he hadn’t had any contact with you since you announced to the world he was your boyfriend. You’re not ignoring her, huh? Hmmm, could’ve fooled me. I think it’s safe to say there’s no saving this relationship, and that’s probably a good thing. He definitely chickened out by the way he ended things with you, but there’s a simple explanation for it. He couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. You see, once Mr. Player here became your “boyfriend” in your eyes, that means he couldn’t continue banging other women on the side without feeling guilty. So of course the “boyfriend” thing scared him off. I don’t know you at all Katherine, but I’m sure you’re better off without someone like this. He’s a player, always has been, always will be. Now quit calling him. If anything, that’s turning him off even more.
Lisa: Dear Katherine,
Stop calling him. Don’t text him. Become unavailable. If he resurfaces, give him another chance but be on your guard. If he ran once, he will probably do it again. And it seems like he has some major issues with the idea of an actual relationship so he obviously isn’t ready to be in one. If he doesn’t try to connect with you then it is his lose and I am sure that you will meet someone fabulous who doesn’t mind if you call him your boyfriend.
Reality Steve Note: See. Great minds think alike. I think Lisa and I should write a book entitled, “Listen To Us, We’re Always Right: Life’s Lessons from the Greatest Guy Ever and Lorenzo’s Ex”.
4) Dear Dr. Reality Steve,
I’m a divorcee having an affair with a married man. I know he loves me more than her and he will leave her. He said so. I have asked my friends if I should push him to leave her NOW but some of those friends have turned on me. I thought my friends would support me but only a few do. I am surprised at how vicious some of them have become towards me.
Trust me, they have hearts of gold and they know he and I are perfect for each other. I am 45 and a teenager told me I’m a MILF once. Do you think that these friends of mine who have turned on me are just jealous? Most of them are overweight and in bad marriages
themselves.
What can I do to get him to leave his wife sooner? And shouldn’t my closest friends support me in this matter?
Thanks in advance,
Kelly
Reality Steve: This reminds of when Valerie Malone on “90210” started dating the married guy with kids, Kelly found out about it, confronted Valerie on it, told her to stop doing it, but Valerie didn’t listen and even made up that she was pregnant, and….I could go on. Let’s just hope Kelly doesn’t go to the “I’m pregnant” card once Mr. Wonderful decides not to leave his wife.
Kelly, I hope you’re prepared to hear what I have to say. You’re not gonna like it, but, I’m here to help. And educate. And entertain. Ok, so where do I begin?
“I know he loves me more than her and he will leave her” - Really? And you know this how? Oh, because he told you he would. Yeah, I’m guessing that phrase has been uttered once or a thousand times by a married man having an affair. Of course he’s telling you that. If he didn’t, then you wouldn’t have any hope and you’d stop having sex with him. Which is obviously something he doesn’t want.
Why are you mad at your friends because they’re not supporting you having an affair with a married man? Aren’t they just being friends? I think you’re anger with them, lashing out saying they’re “overweight and in bad marriages” is stemming from the fact you’re upset your man hasn’t left his wife yet. What does them being overweight and in bad marriages have to do with supporting you in your affair? There’s no connection that I see there.
What makes you think you and this man are perfect for each other? He sounds like a slime ball to me if he’s cheating on his wife. And you being a MILF because a teenager told you so, yet again, I don’t see where that statement has any relevance to your situation. Why would your friends be jealous? Because you’re being a home wrecker? Where’s the jealousy in that?
I think your friends are the ones being logical here, not you. I’m not going to offer any advice on how to get him to leave his wife sooner because the whole situation is just wrong. If he actually leaves his wife one day, and you think you’re a match made in heaven, then fine, go after him then. And then when he cheats on you (because he will), just remember the feeling, because that’s what his wife will be going through once he finds out what’s going between you two. And it won’t be pretty.
Lisa: Dear Kelly,
I think that I have seen this same storyline in about a dozen books and made-for-TV movies and in the end the guy never leaves his wife or he does leave her and it usually ends up really bad for both the cheating husband and the mistress. Your friends are probably disappointed that you are choosing to disregard the sanctity of marriage. If you want a husband or even a boyfriend, you need to go find your own. Plus, why would you want to be in a relationship with a known cheater? If he did it once, he will probably do it again.
5) Dear Steve,
I’m gonna make this short and to the point. I’m about as openly sexual a girl as you’ll find, as are most of my friends. I’m 26, have been in numerous relationships, some good, some bad, but I just can’t seem to find the right guy. They all have boyfriends, and I don’t. I’m wondering if my promiscuity has anything to do with it, since I tend to sleep with my man rather early on, and honestly, sometimes I just get bored. Should I try holding off on the sex or just keep doing what I’m doing and maybe I won’t get get bored as quick? Please help!
Anna
Reality Steve: Anna, I think you should take it to another level and whore it up even more than you’re doing now. I wouldn’t even wait til the end of the first date. Guys totally respect that. They’ll never look at you as someone who’s easy if you give it up to them within the first hour of meeting them. And they’ll always call you back when you want them to, they’ll never cancel plans on you, and almost always, you’ll be the first one they call when they want to have a meaningful, deep conversation with someone.
There’s something to be said for Anna, since at least she admits that sex pretty much runs the relationship in the early going. Good for her. Just know that at some point, you may actually have to start talking to your man and liking him for something other than his sexual abilities. I know its hard to comprehend, but, just try. Try scheduling a night together where the two of you have zero physical contact. No touching, no kissing, no nothing. Then when that turns into a complete disaster and you realize you have nothing in common with him, dump him, and move on to the next guy. But at least give the guy you’re leaving some going away sex. It’s only fair.
Lisa: Dear Anna,
Sounds like what you are doing isn’t working so I think it is time to try something new. With the next guy that you are interested in, try to keep things out of the bedroom for a while and get to know him on an emotional level instead of just a physical one. Those are the relationships that tend to last and that are usually the most fulfilling. If all of your friends have boyfriends, think of how many friends their boyfriends have that could have dating potential. I’d start there and see what happens.
Happy hunting!
Thanks again to Lisa for her advice this week. It was much appreciated. We’ll definitely bring her back at some point. Still don’t know who’s doing next week, but regardless, get your emails in to steve@realitysteve.com. And pass the Dr. Reality Steve word on to your friend. This column is blowing up nationwide, I’m telling you. Trust me. We’re goin’ places, baby.
The Bachelor Links
October 10th, 2007
Back by popular demand, it’s Dr. Reality Steve. My guest columnist this week is Alexis, from last season of the “Bachelor”. You may remember her as really being someone with values and morals, unlike Solisa. Something tells me even if her blood alcohol level was at .20, she wouldn’t take off her top and go running into the ocean on national television. Call me crazy. I’ve had the distinct honor of dining with Alexis on a couple of occasions, and let me just say, her boyfriend could kick my ass. So I refuse to say anything bad about her. Not that there’s anything bad to say anyway. Awwww…..how cute. I know, I know. Just me throwing on the charm. Without further adieu, the return of Dr. Reality Steve…..
1) I have the best guy in the world and he treats me so well and does so much for me, however, I am an active woman and this guy likes to spend too much time in front of the TV. Do they have any advice? I wouldn’t give him up for anything in the world and truly feel blessed and lucky, but I just wish he would be more active and care about his health and take care of himself so he is around for a long time.
Love ya Steve
Joan
Reality Steve: Since we don’t know too many details about how “inactive” your husband is like his weight, heart rate, vital signs, whether or not he’s ever had to be peeled off the couch by paramedics like that one episode of “Nip/Tuck”, it’s hard to judge exactly what we’re dealing with here. However, you can be both - a couch potato, and someone who likes to go out and do stuff. I should know. I’m one of them. That’s why TiVo was invented.
Until his couch potato ways start interfering with Saturday night plans, your sex life, vacations, and family events, then it shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I watch TV. A lot of it. And I don’t plan on stopping any time soon because I enjoy it. But it’s also because of the situation I’m in right now. I’m single, and I work from home. So yeah, I have a ton of time to catch up on things. But I still go to the gym, I still eat right, and I’ll go out when the rarest of occasions pop up that I have a date.
Now, once a girlfriend comes along, still wont change things. It’ll just alter them a tad. Just means that the TiVo will get overloaded at some points. Never have I refused to go out because a game was on or the latest “Idol” results show was airing. And of course, I ain’t turning down sex to watch “Scott Baio is 45.…and Single….and now an Expectant Father”. So until this guy says, “No honey, I don’t want to go out to dinner, ‘Mary Tyler Moore’ reruns are on TV Land tonight”, I wouldn‘t worry about it too much.
Alexis: I hate to say it, but this is going to have to be his decision. Pretty much all you can do is invite him to work out with you. Also, I would be careful to keep your comments and suggestions positive and motivating, as opposed to being negative and critical. If he senses that you are criticizing him it will probably cause him to resent you and become defensive. In the end, it is for you to decide whether this is something that you can live with or not. Do his good qualities outweigh his inactivity? If so, then accept him for who he is. If not, then I wouldn’t waste any more time trying to change him, because I think we both know that the likelihood of him suddenly becoming Mr. Muscle & Fitness is slightly outweighed by the chance that he will just continue to warm the couch.
2) Hey Steve….great column! So glad Dr. Steve is back! Here’s my situation….I’m a 27 year old single female and have just gotten out of a 2 year relationship. My boyfriend was a great guy, just not the one for me. I didn’t realize this until about 6 months ago when I saw that he just wasn’t as close to his family as I am, how he still hangs around a lot of his college buddies that are single, and even though we had talked about marriage, I never really thought deep down this was the guy I could marry. He is 29 by the way. Anyway, recently one of his friends, who is probably the most mature one out of the group, has been coming on to me, and, I kinda like it. I know it’s against the rules to date your ex’s friends, but, what if this could be the guy? I’m not getting ahead of myself since I’ve never even been on a date with him, I’m just saying that he and I seem to have things in common, and I’d like to go out with him to see what’s there. But if things do end up working out, that could create an ugly situation. Help!
Thanks - Danielle
Reality Steve: Danielle, you have an interesting dilemma on your hands. And that dilemma is, “How do I give it up to my ex-boyfriends really good friend without him finding out about it so soon?” Decisions, decisions.
If you really like this guy, and you think it could be more than a fling, then I’d do it, but I would NOT let him find about it until time has passed. That’s just cold. It’s happened to me before, and even though I broke up with her, it’s still not right for her to immediately get with one of my friends. Just isn’t. Especially since it only turned out to be a fling anyway and it lasted about two dates. See, that’s what you’re dealing with here. Remember, you’ve just spent two years with this guy. That’s pretty serious, especially when marriage was discussed. Go out with the guy, but say out of respect to both of yours friend who would be crushed if he found out, just keep it on the down low. If something develops between you two, then obviously you’ll have to break the news at some point. But not right away.
Sounds like you still at least care about your ex, so, if you go through with it, just keep it private between you and his friend until you think its time. But try not to sleep with him. At least right away. Then it would just seem like you dumped your ex just so you could boink his friend. Which makes you seem about as classy as a hooker. I guarantee that there will be people (men and women) who disagree 100% with this, and I get that. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion - no matter how wrong it is.
Alexis: If you are 100% done with your ex, then I say go for it. You don’t really owe him anything anymore and if you think you are meant to be with this new guy then by all means you should be together. I think you already know the ramifications of your decision, so now it’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons.
Reality Steve Note: Typical woman answer…ha ha.
3) Dr Reality Steve is back!!!! Yay!!!! I’m so excited. This may seem stupid, but I’m a 36 year old single mother who is attracted to someone who’s 22. We’ve been dating for the past 4 months, he’s really a great guy, he’s mature for his age, the sex is unbelievable, and he just makes me feel all young again. He really is one of the better boyfriends I’ve had. There’s just one problem. The fact that he’s 22 kinda bothers me. I can’t help who I’m attracted to, but, I’m not sure if this is just a fling or if there’s really something more there. And reading your columns for as long as I have, you seem to have a good idea what goes through guys heads, do you think I’m just a conquest for him? Is someone 22 really ready to be in a serious relationship with someone who’s 36? My 10 year old son is closer to his age than he is to me! And that scares me a lot. But I really like the guy, so I’m torn. Any advice?
Jackie
P.S. - Bachelor Brad is HOT!!!!!! Oh, the things I’d love to do to him!!! Yummy!!! A woman can fantasize, right? LOL
Reality Steve: Sweet….the cougars are on the prowl! Gotta love it. I would really like to get a little more info on this one since it could be quite interesting, but I’ll go with what we have.
Single mother, 36, with 10 year old son, giving up the nookie to a 22 year old twerp just outta college. Ok, maybe he’s not a twerp, but there’s one universal thing that all 22 year olds have in common: they think with their hog. This is a proven fact. Anyone who doesn’t is as gay as a parade. So always keep that in mind. I’m really interested to know what you mean by “he treats me well”. Like, he lets you Supersize all your meals? He’s always suggesting a matinee movie? He actually cleans off his bean bag and throws away the empty pizza boxes before you come over? What a guy.
Hey, I’m not saying that all 22 year olds are like that. I’m just saying 98% of them are. But if you’re kid…ummm…man, is in that 2%, then good for you. He’s definitely a keeper. Until he dumps you once he gets bored an moves on to his next conquest. Honestly, I don’t know enough about this guy to give any real good sound advice on this one. But for someone who’s been married (I’m assuming you were), has a kid, and now is dating someone fresh out of college, who’s probably never even had kids cross his mind while he’s taking body shots off the hot bartender down in Cabo, I’d say there could be trouble on the horizon. There are too many X-factors I’m unaware of. How is he around your son? Has he even met your son? What do you guys do when you go out? How many of your conversations revolve around sex? What does he want to do with his life? Is he working? The list goes on. Good luck though. You’ll need it.
Alexis: First of all…I would like to express my GREAT displeasure, no, more like disgust, for how our society doesn’t blink an eye when an older guy is with a younger girl; but, when it is an older woman with a younger guy suddenly it is not ok. Hate, hate, hate this double-standard. But, given that it has been that way since the beginning of time, guess there is no reason to waste time worrying about it. Moving on…
Ok, if this guy is really your soul-mate, then I would just try not to worry about the age difference. Of course it will probably cause several problems down the road, but if you are enjoying your time with him now, then why not?
Reality Steve Note: I didn’t realize society looked at the older woman/younger guy thing as not o.k. They do? Every time I see it, I think it’s funny. Just doesn’t look right. Ha ha…that couldn’t have possibly sounded any more sexist if I tried. Oops. And yes, older man/younger woman phenomen will go on til the end of time because that usually involves the older man having a lot of money, and frankly, a lot of younger women are looking for money. No young, hot, mid-20’s bimbo is with a guy 20 years older than her because he’s good company. He’s either loaded, or is supplying her cocaine habit. Case closed.
4) Dear Steve….I cannot get over my ex-boyfriend and its driving me nuts!!!! We went out for a year, things seem to be going great, had the occasional argument here and there, nothing serious, and all the sudden I pretty much got the “It’s not you, it’s me” talk, and we’ve barely spoken since. We’re both in our late 20’s, live close to each other, basically saw or talked to each other every day, then out of the blue he does that? I’m devastated. I don’t know what to do. I never suspected for a second that he was cheating on me because he’s such a great guy and treated me great. All this silence, and lack of communication since the break up really is strange. I’m floored that he did this and have really been hurting and it just doesn’t seem like it was that big of deal to him. How can I just make it go away?
Thanks…..Debbie
Reality Steve: Hey Debbie, I truly am sorry for what happened, and definitely it will take time to get over something like that, but the minute he told you “It’s not you, it’s me”, it’s him. It’s him wanting to doink another woman. Or, at least try to. There’s no real explanation as to why men do this, just know it happens. And by the way you described him, as one who gave you no clue as to what was coming, then to completely ignore you after the fact, seems to me he’s definitely moved on to someone else. Sucks to hear, but it’s probably true. I’d go slash his tires. Or hire a private investigator to follow him around and see who his new chick is. If you find out, and you realize you’re much better looking than her, then you’ll feel better about the whole thing. If she’s a 6 foot hot blonde model, then, ummm, well, I guess you’ll have to think about them doing it every night when you put your head down on the pillow.
Alexis: As hard as this may be, the only thing that will fix it is time. I would recommend getting the book “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken.” It is written by the same straight-shooters who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You” and it is filled with advice on how to deal with situations like this.
Also, though it may seem like it has all come out of the blue from your perception, I can almost guarantee you there is a clear-cut reason. Either (1) this has been festering for awhile on his end and he just finally got up the courage to end things, or (2) there is another girl. I know, I know, it’s hard to hear that, but people don’t just break-up with people who they are in love with. They just don’t. People stay with people they like, they call them, they spend time with them…but they don’t break up with them. I don’t care what his cop-out excuse was, the fact of the matter is he just doesn’t want to be with you right now. And, why would you want to spend one single second of your precious life worrying about some guy who doesn’t even care enough to pick up the phone and call you? That’s right, you don’t. Just remember that eventually you will find the one guy who will never make you feel this way, but you have to get rid of all the stragglers along with way before you find him.
I feel for you girl, we have all been through it and it stinks big-time. Just know that in the end it will all work out for the best (I know you hate to hear that now but it’s true!!). And in the meantime, go get that book right now!
5) We have an employee here (woman) who does not wash her hands after using the bathroom. She walks out of the stall, straight to the mirror to preen and primp and then leaves. It is really disgusting becaue she will head straight to the kitchen where there is often a spread of food (donuts, bagels, croissants, breakfast tacos) and proceeds to paw her way through the box of donuts. It’s especially sickening when she leaves the restroom only to walk up to a client and shake hands in the lobby (if they only knew where that unwashed hand had been!) — you get my meaning. We have tried leaving hand sanitizer on her desk and, I tried guilting her into washing her hands when I was washing mine once by saying, “hey have you tried this new liquid soap? It’s really nice!” She just looked at me like I had ten heads and didn’t even acted embarrased when it was obvious I was washing my hands and suggesting that she wash hers, too.
So, any great advice on how to get a co-worker to wash her hands? It’s gotten to the point where I won’t eat any food that is delivered because there is no telling if she’s pawed through the tray or box before I get there.
Reality Steve: I would report her to the proper authorities, have your boss call her into her office to berate her, and then buy a box of Purell hand sanitizers and leave it on her desk. I wonder if she’ll get the picture after that.
It’s funny, I thought only guys were the gross ones who didn’t wash their hands in the public bathroom, but you women do it too? Outstanding. I can’t wait to kiss my next date on the hand at the end of the night. I might get a lip fungus from it.
Ladies, I know you’ve never experienced this, but just once, you need to sneak into the men’s bathroom at a club at least once during your life to see what goes on in there. So many metro guys tweaking their hair in the mirror, slapping on 12 ounces of cologne they just bought from the bathroom “attendant”, and numerous dudes text messaging the girl they’re about to hook up with once they are able to get away from their girlfriend. It’s really a sight to see. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.
Alexis: Looks like you have three options:
(1) install a hidden camera, catch her in the act, post it on you-tube and send out a mass e-mail with the link;
(2) confront her yourself; or
(3) try to get over it.
Since (1) is probably out of the question, and if you were willing to confront her yourself you probably would have just done that rather than write to Reality Steve, that leaves (3). And hate to say it, but she is probably not the only co-worker who has this problem. In fact, the Soap and Detergent Association reports that a 2005 study it commissioned shows that only 83% of people washed their hands after using a public restroom. Yeah I know…yuck. Further, the Center for Disease Control recommends that you lather up for a minimum of 20 seconds; which, I’m guessing most people don’t adhere to either.
Basically, all you can do in this situation is to tend to your own hygiene and try not to stress over the random chance that this co-worker has manhandled your morning doughnut.
Reality Steve Note: Hey Alexis, quit making me look bad by actually backing up your opinions with statistical analysis. Who actually needs evidence to back up their points? Is that really necessary? No charts or bar graphs are allowed on RealitySteve.com.
Thank you very much to Alexis for contributing this week. I really appreciate it and I’m sure my readers do too. Next week, Lisa from Lorenzo’s season will be stepping in and contributing her two cents on all issues that deal with sex, relationships, and affairs. If that’s what you decide to ask about. Send all emails to: steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….
The Bachelor Links
October 3rd, 2007