Finally back in the swing of things. Quite a few things to cover in this column, starting with the latest “Bachelor” news including your first look at some of our bachelorettes this season, “American Idol”, “The Hills”, “24: Redemption”, the “Survivor” finale, and the thankful ending of “Heroes”, well, at least the latest installment of it. Let’s just pretend “Volume 3: Villians” never happened. I’m certainly going to. But before that, let me update you on a couple things of importance. Most notably, my health and Maddie.

As I mentioned in my last column, I’ve been having back problems for well over a year. Not to the point of I’m turning into a 75 year old grandpa, but substantial discomfort on a daily basis. Usually when I’m getting up from a seat or bed, or getting into a car. Or basically doing anything that might require a quick motion. So I decided to get an MRI and see how bad it was. I was told I have a bulging disc. Now, I’ve been told that many times by ex-girlfriends, so I asked Mr. Doctor man to elaborate a little further. Basically, a disc in my lower back has moved slightly. Or moderately. He used both words. We’re talking 3-4 millimeters. So no surgery is required, but basically, I’m going to be dealing with discomfort for a while unless I stretch and exercise daily like Jack LaLanne. Yoga is a possibility. Pilates has been mentioned. Really? Do I have to do that stuff? I’m really not looking forward to that. So yes, my days of being a world class athlete are over and now I can look forward to a life of back braces, walkers, and eating my dinner through a straw. Or something like that.

The next order of business is Maddie. To all of you who have asked, she’s doing great. In fact, she’s doing beyond great. Incredible probably if you asked her and she could talk back. You see, a month ago I moved into a first floor apartment from my old second floor one, and now Maddie has a yard. She loves her yard. Loves to chase the rabbits when I open the door. Goes potty all day long in that thing. Really, she’s having a blast. One problem though. In the old apartment, Maddie never had a yard to go to the bathroom in, so she only went when I would walk her. Of course, there was the occasional accident inside, which became less and less frequent the longer I had her. Now, she wants to go all the time. Even when Reality Steve is trying to sleep. Let’s see, I’ve been in this apartment since Nov. 18th, and Maddie has now woken me up AT LEAST once a night, EVERY NIGHT that I’ve been here. We still go on our regular walks during the day. We still walk right before bedtime, at which she always goes to the bathroom, yet now that she knows she has a yard to go in, she’s basically using it as a crutch and not taking into account my need for sleep. Sure, it’s very quick. She gets up, goes to the door, scratches on it, I let her out for ten seconds, she goes, she comes right back in, I crawl back in bed. But when it happens a couple times a night, and at any hour of the night, it gets a little old. I’m completely clueless as to how to remedy this situation.

So last night, I figured, “Well, how about I just ignore her scratching on the door, and see how she reacts.” Ummm, bad idea. 4:00am, she goes to the door, I don’t get out of bed, she starts walking around, comes back to my bed and notifies me, “Look, don’t ignore me. I need to get outside.” So I get up and let her out. While she’s out, I look over and she’s already peed on the carpet in the dining room. And she still wanted to go outside! So now I’m really screwed. If I ignore her, she’ll go inside. If I don’t, it means I have to keep getting up and going outside at least once a night no matter what time it is. Yes, yes, I know what you’re saying. “Steve, quit your whining. Just wait til you have kids and they’re keeping you up all night.” Yeah, I know, but I’m prepared for that since that’s natural. You expect that to happen. This caught me by surprise. She could go to the bathroom ten times during the day now, but no matter what, she’s getting up at least once during the night to go. So if Cesar Milan is reading this, what do I do? She never had to go every night when we lived on the second floor, why does she have to now? Should I start cutting her water off at 7 or 8 o’clock? Any suggestions, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Ok, let’s get started…

THE BACHELOR

-As you probably know by now, Jason is engaged. If you didn’t know or hadn’t heard, then well, that’s not my fault. You’re basically living under a rock or don’t check the internet. Everyone’s reporting it and Jason has done numerous interviews about it. Now, what does that mean? Nothing of course. This is the 13th edition of the “Bachelor”, and in the previous twelve, 6 of the bachelors got engaged at the end. None of them have gotten married. It’s just part of ABC’s hype machine to build the season and give it some hope. Host Chris has chimed in and said that the engagement is “beautiful” and there “will definitely be some tears shed”. Wonderful. Can’t wait. Now, doesn’t mean Jason and whoever won’t end up getting married. Doesn’t mean they will either. So in the meantime, I’ll just sit back, enjoy the show and make of it like I do every season. Yes, I’ve said that I think Jason is the most genuine Bachelor they’ve ever cast on the show since he has zero Hollywood aspirations. And yes, I’ve said I also think that this is the one season that might actually produce a married couple. However, whether or not there’s an engagement surely isn’t going to change the fact the show is a complete train wreck and is to be watched for entertainment purposes only. It will not affect the way I watch it one way or another.

-I do want to address those that have a problem with Jason doing the show again and think he’s ditching his kid. No need for me to explain it. I’ll have Jason tell you what went down this season. This is from a recent interview he did with the media.

Despite the large part that Ty plays in his life, Mesnick said his son actually has only a small on-screen role in The Bachelor.

“He was around when he needed to be and went home and saw his mom when he needed to,” added Mesnick.

I think that should satisfy most of you. Look, they’re not going to exploit the kid or endanger him in any way. You really think Jason would do that to his son? He would be rivaling OJ Simpson for “Father of the Year” if he did that. If the guy is gonna go on the show and potentially look for a wife, of course he’s got to involve his kid. And based on what he says, its very minimal. So there. Let’s put that to rest and never bring it up again.

-Earlier this week, ABC gave their first press release on this season, and have all the bachelorettes head shots up on the site. So rather than have you click back and forth between the description that press release gives of certain girls, and their head shot on the page, since I’m Mr. Computer Savvy, I’ll have the quote from the press release followed by each girls picture. Now of course, they didn’t have something to say about all 25 women, so if you want to see all the bachelorettes, just to abc.com and click around. You’ll find it. So here we go:

“…Megan, Stacia, Stephanie and Treasure are the four single moms who are hoping the single dad and his son will complete their families. How will they shake up the chemistry of the group?…”

Megan

Stacia

Stephanie

Treasure

Ummmm, Treasure is a single mom? Does she bring her kid to the strip club when she can’t find a sitter? “Go play with the tassels on Cinammon’s nipples while Mommy tries to find us a new daddy.” I’m kidding. Treasure doesn’t look like a stripper. Stephanie does. They should switch names.

“…Emily from Seattle tries to press her hometown advantage…”

Emily

I’ve always thought that in this show, if you’re really gonna have a chance at the final couple lasting, you need them to live somewhat close to each other. It’s a lot to ask of someone to pick up their life and move halfway across the country for someone they’ve known for six weeks. Especially this season since we know Jason isn’t moving anywhere due to the fact his son is in Seattle. So whoever Jason picked, I hope she enjoys rain and miserable weather 300 days of the year.

“…Nikki, a statuesque brunette, wows Jason by telling him she only came ‘because it was you…’”

Nikki

I think it’s safe to say that Nikki is officially our stalker this season. Even though she’s hot.

“…Shannon admits she is Jason’s biggest fan and her extensive knowledge of his life floors him…”

Shannon

Uhhh, check that. Shannon is our stalker. She’s cute, in that “scrunchy face, giant smile” sort of way.

“…Jillian finds a new way to ‘grill’ a guy when she discloses that she can find out a lot about a man from the condiments he puts on his hot dog and puts Jason to the test on the spot…”

Jillian

Sweet. Our resident lunatic this season. Really? You can tell a lot about a guy by what he puts on his hot dogs? What if he doesn’t like hot dogs? I think we’ll have fun with Jillian this season. Unless, of course, Jason notices how completely crazy she is and dumps her on opening night.

“…Sharon admits that she quit her job as a school teacher for a chance to be with him…”

Sharon

Whoa. She quit her job to meet him? How many stalkers did they cast this season? And quite frankly, her eyes are freaking me out.

“…Renee has already envisioned her happy future with Jason by creating a ‘vision board…’”

Renee

Huh? A vision board? I’m sure that’ll go over real well. So far we’ve got nothing but baby momma’s looking for a daddy, stalkers, and weirdos. Should be a great season.

“…Raquel invites the Bachelor to join her in a seductive samba…”

Raquel

Oooh, a little Latina flavor this season. Arriba! Arriba! They say that, right? Or did I just make a horrible generalization?

“…Molly, an all-American girl-next-door, steals him away for a hot slow jazz dance…”

Molly

Awesome. Our first catfight of the season. The sexy, samba Latina girl vs Molly, the all-American white girl from Milwaukee. Should be one hell of a battle. I hope they show all the hair being pulled and clothes being ripped off.

“…Stephanie, a beautiful widow, reveals the tragic story of her past…”

Stephanie

Uh oh. Stephanie, the one who looks like she could be a stripper, might be playing the role of Debbie Downer this season. A widow? Yikes. I’m guessing there aren’t gonna be a lot of smiles going around when she has to re-tell that story. Oh boy. Here come the water works.

“…a self-assured Lauren is confident that the first impression rose is hers…”

Lauren

I love how I can make sweeping generalizations about these women just by looking at their picture. It’s a talent, I tell ya’. And it’s something these women, or anyone for that matter, have to deal with now in the age of blogging. With that said, Lauren just looks like someone who would think she’s better than everyone and deserves the first impression rose. Probably has to do with the loopy earrings.

Well, there’s half the women on the show right there. Seems like your typical crop of crazies, bimbos, and chicks looking to be on TV. Ahhh, but one of them is the love of Jason’s life that he will marry and make babies with. So maybe I should be a little nicer. Or not. Jan. 5th can’t come soon enough.

SURVIVOR

-Really enjoyed this season. Amazing we’re 17 seasons into this show, and they can still produce seasons just as good as the earlier editions. Remember earlier this season where the tribes had to rank in order who they thought were the strongest to weakest in their tribe? Sugar wasn’t even ranked, Susie was last in her tribe, and Bob was in the bottom three of his tribe, yet that was your final three. That’s why this show is just as much about luck as it is anything else. You could have the greatest strategy in the world and play the game smarter than anyone else, but it guarantees you nothing if luck doesn’t fall your way at some point during the game. Bob created his own luck by winning five immunities in a row, but also needed Sugars help in getting to the final.

-So people ask, “Why didn’t Sugar try to win at the end? Seemed like she didn’t even care at the Final Tribal Council.” Well, that’s because she didn’t. If you read her interview afterwards, Sugar basically knew she wasn’t going to get any votes whether she brought Matty or Bob. That’s where editing comes in. There were definitely plenty of things that happened on the island which weren’t shown to the public, which is understandable. They have a show to produce. And certain people have to be portrayed a certain way. You know how Bob was portrayed as the old, lovable guy that was a father figure to everyone, and how could anyone possibly vote against him? Well, listening to Sugar and Susie and a couple other people talk about him afterwards, not that they weren’t happy he won and didn’t like him, but apparently Bob had a short temper. And was a pervert. Always making comments here and there about the women. So not everything is as seems. Was Corinne a bitch? Was Randy the weirdest guy ever? Yes and double yes. But according to others, Bob wasn’t what he was portrayed to be.

-Do I have a problem with Bob winning? Not at all. I am shocked Susie got three votes, but once again, it goes back to editing. In Susie’s exit interview, she said she wasn’t surprised at all. She said she was really confident she had Matty, Kenny, and Crystal’s vote and figured it would come down to Randy. But anyone watching the show never really would’ve thought that since it seemed Susie didn’t do anything but talk too much and annoy people. Here’s where the debate comes in on “Survivor” when talking about the final vote. Put yourself on the jury. Would you vote for the person that played the best game, or the person that you liked the best who was left? Basically, how much of a grudge would you hold against someone who made it to the final two or three? Some people, no matter how much you screwed them or lied to them will say, “Hey, that’s the game and I give you credit for it.” Others, like Corinne, and Randy, and even Marcus to a certain extent, are bitter that they didn’t win, bitter that their “plan” fell apart, and refuse to acknowledge it. Because let’s be honest, of the final three, the person who played the best game was Sugar, hands down. Ditzy little blonde that found the idol in her first hour on Exile, no one seemed to like her, yet no one ever wrote her name down, and she basically controlled the last half of the game. So no matter how much she annoyed you and had a hand in voting you off, she played the best game. Yet she got zero votes. Always an interesting dynamic when you get down to the final tribal council, and is what makes the show so good.

-Couple interesting notes regarding two of our final three. As we know, Bob is a physics teacher. Did you know that one of his former students was Julie Berry, former “Survivor: Vanuatu” contestant and ex-girlfriend of Jeff Probst? Bob claims he hasn’t spoken to Julie since she left his class ten years ago, but I find that hard to believe. C’mon, of all the people that apply to this show every season, you just happen to pick a former teacher of a former contestant who happens to be Probst’s ex-fling? Too coincidental for me. As for Sugar, just IMDB Jessica “Sugar” Kiper, and you’ll see her credits. She’s done quite a few things in Hollywood and this stuff about her being alone and living out of her car was completely random. She’s an actress and has been a member of SAG for 10 years. As for Randy, I’m guessing 99% of America hates him, and I’ll give you that he was just a crotchety old man, but that guy was pure entertainment. I guarantee you if they do another All-Star edition, or Fans vs Favorites again, he will no doubt be on the show. As will Corinne. They make good TV, whether you like them or not.

AMERICAN IDOL

-Still a few weeks away before the premiere, but definitely some interesting tidbits about this season. First of which being that we’re gonna have a fourth judge, Kara DioGuradi. Now, Idol executives can spin this all they want and tell us that the original Idol, which started in the UK, had four judges, but there’s one reason and one reason only they’re bringing this chick in: they want a replacement for when Paula quits or is fired. You thought Paula was a little loopy through the first seven seasons? How about now after a stalker fan decided to kill herself right outside Paula’s house? A house that Paula says she hasn’t slept in since the incident happened. Oh yeah, Paula is losing it alright. She says that when this chick tried out in season 5, she knew exactly who she was since she’d been stalking her back then, and told producers to not let her in. Producers are saying they don’t remember it that way at all. I’m sorry, I tend to agree with the producers here. I know TV is all about shock value and ratings, but do you honestly believe they would risk Paula’s well being just so they can show another whack job who couldn’t sing? Please. They have hundreds of those lined up. I’ll make a prediction that this is Paula’s last season, if she even makes it through this season. And you know what? The show won’t suffer in the least bit. The only irreplaceable person on that show is Simon, and they all know that.

-Some other things they’re doing different this season. Bringing back the wild card round. Instead of the final 24 where America starts voting, they’re gonna narrow it down to 36, and people that don’t make the 24 will actually have a 2nd chance. I think the last time they did this was season 2 when Clay Aiken was a wild card. One of the judges saved him and brought him back. Good thing they did or else he wouldn’t be using his sperm to impregnate older lady friends of his all while hanging out in gay chat rooms on the internet looking for boyfriends (Rumors are one “friend” he made over the internet was Charlie from this past season “Survivor”). Also, no more “Idol Gives Back” this season. I’ve got no problem with that. The country has no money yet you’re gonna ask people for the 3rd year in a row to donate to charity? Probably a little much. It’s coming back next season, and every other season thereafter.

-Another thing they plan on doing is showing us more personal profiles of the kids and what goes on behind the scenes. Uh huh. Sure they are. They say that every season and never do it. The question is, when would they be able to anyway? Once we’re down to the final 24 and America voting, the whole performance show is taken up by the singing. You don’t have time to dilly dally around with other features. Then by the next night, people have already made their selection anyway. They are cutting down the audition episodes and adding more Hollywood round episodes. I guess they could do it then. I just think no matter what they do, people are still gonna watch. You grab the attention in the beginning by showing the idiots who can’t sing, then you start weeding them out and getting to the real talent, and then it kicks into gear and the season begins. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Have the ratings dropped in recent years? Yes. But it’s still the #1 watched show every week that it’s on. So they’re getting 31 million a week watching instead of 33 million. The ratings drop is miniscule in the grand scheme of things. I am curious though to see how the four judges work. Hopefully they’ll all gang up on Paula and make her cry every night.

THE HILLS

-The popularity of this show continues to baffle me. The face we know about what happens in their lives a month before we see it on TV is one thing. Then the fact that it’s all pretty much scripted out like a TV drama is another. You don’t think so? How come every single episode has drama in it. There’s no possible way that something is constantly happening in all their lives unless its scripted. Plus, the whole Heidi/Spencer wedding is a complete joke. They claim to have a spur of the moment wedding, yet, the cameras followed them to Cabo. And they got married after a drunken night of Patrone shots? Really? How romantic. How could anyone possibly buy that was legit? Please. And oh yeah, if you haven’t heard the latest, on Monday’s finale where they go to court to make the marriage “official”, now there’s a story that the scene was filmed at a Beverly Hills courthouse after hours, and the judge in the scene doesn’t even work there. Yeah, that’s a real marriage. Please. Calling those two media whores is an embarrassment to all media whores. I’m talking to you Paris. And Lindsay.

-And yes, there is going to be a season 5. Of course there is. Would you give up $75,000 an episode if you were Lauren? To do what? Have cameras follow you around and make up drama in your life? Where do I sign up for that? They might all be ridiculous and D-list celebrities, but they’re not stupid. If I were them, I’d do 15 more seasons of that show since the minute it ends, they’re all gonna disappear off the face of the earth. “But Reality Steve, Lauren is writing books now.” Uh huh. If you purchase a Lauren Conrad book, you’re a loser. “But Reality Steve, Lauren has her own fashion line.” Uh huh. That’s completely overpriced and already been yanked from some stores. The whole “Hills” franchise is a cash cow, which is amazing since not a single person on there has one redeeming talent. Well, except for Heidi and Audrina’s fake boobs. I guess those have value to some.

-Plus, without “The Hills”, we don’t get genius spinoffs like “The City” and “Bromance”. As for “The City”, oh I’ll definitely watch, but I’m guessing it’ll be more of the same stuff. Whitney likes a dirty looking Australian guy with a bad beard. Whitney works her way up at DVF. Whitney has boy drama when some shirtless model starts hitting on her. Let’s just hope that Whitney’s new friends are hot. Judging by the previews, me likey. I’m still questioning revolving a show around Whitney, who’s been about the 5th most important character on “The Hills” for three seasons. She’s the most level headed of the bunch, but that doesn’t necessarily make for great TV. We shall see.

-But speaking of great TV, could there possibly be a better MTV creation than “Bromance”? I didn’t think so. So let me get this straight, 12 douchebags are gonna compete to see who can start hanging around Brody Jenner more? And this is supposed to be a good thing for their self esteem? What is that leech Frankie Delgado going to think? Oh wait, what am I thinking? Like Brody is ever gonna be seen with whatever tool job he picks. The premise of this show is really unbelievable. MTV is truly running out of ideas. Brody Jenner is doing a reality show so he can find someone else to hang out with. Just let that sink in for a little bit and get back to me after you pull yourself up off the floor. This is going to be the ultimate train wreck. Especially after seeing trailers with guys in hot tubs fist bumping and guys crying because Brody didn’t pick them. I’ll make a prediction right now: Of the 12 guys they cast, all 12 will have frosted tips. And wear tight clothing. And be complete ass faces. Let’s see if I go 3-for-3 on that prediction. My guess? Yes.

24: REDEMPTION

-If you saw it, which I’m hoping all of you did, it was excellent. Not because I’m biased, but it was just good to see it back on the air and producing a solid two hours. No, there wasn’t nearly as much excitement as in a regular season episode, only because you knew there’d be a resolution at the end of two hours. I’m good with it. It set up season 7 very nicely, and showed they could produce a two hour movie someday, which seems to be the plan once the TV show ends. Of course, me being the addict that I am, I went out and bought the dvd two days after it aired. Why? To watch it again? Well, no. I got so that I could watch the first 17 minutes of season 7 which is on disc 2 in the dvd. The only problem? Once the first 17 minutes were over, I was expecting more. Oops. Probably shouldn’t have teased myself like that, but just know that based on those first few minutes, season 7 is going to be really good. They got a lot accomplished in a short time. A car crash, a kidnapping, the return of you-know-who, Jack on trial, and Jack finding out about you-know-who. Jan. 11th can’t get here soon enough. Can I just teleport to three weeks from now like Hiro?

HEROES

-Unfortunately, it’s now time to talk about “Heroes” and that mishandling of a season they just had. What was that? Let’s just be happy that “Volume 3: Villians” is over. There’s really no point in even talking about it it was so poorly done. Everything that everyone liked about this show was completely turned upside down during what we just saw. Horrible writing, bad storylines, weak characters, and really no direction whatsoever. It just seemed like they threw a bunch of crap at a wall just to see what would stick. Hiro as a 10 year old? Really? Was that supposed to be funny? Nathan now wants to round up all the Heroes and basically put them away for life? Doesn’t this go against everything his character has preached for three seasons? Sloppy writing. And of course, Sylar isn’t dead. To even leave people thinking that he is is just plain dumb. We know he’s not dead considering he’s one of the better characters on the show, and, next season we get to meet who his real father is. For those that don’t know, it’s going to be the guy who played Lionel Luther on “Smallville”, noted gay actor, John Glover. Yippee. Anytime “Smallville” gets props, I’m happy. Especially considering it’s a 50 times better show than “Heroes”.

Whew. That took a while. The next column will be Tues. Jan. 6th which will be our first “Bachelor” column of the season. Any questions, comments, concerns, praises, criticisms, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next time….

Administrator Notes, Quotes...

Back with another update, since once seems to be due right now with what’s going on in the “Bachelor/ette” world. There’s a lot of false information floating around out there, so who better to set the record straight than me? Reality Steve to the rescue. This weeks column will cover all that’s going on in the “Bachelor/ette” world, and there’s plenty. An update on my Thanksgiving holiday approaching, what I’m dreading doing next week, “Dancing with the Stars”, “Celebrity Rehab”, and of course, “24″.

I figured I’d get this column in before next week becomes super hectic. I’m moving. I hate moving. Dread it. Hate helping people move, hate the thought of helping people move, and hate moving period. But I figured it’d be nice to have a little yard for Maddie to play in and I like being on the first floor, so I’m moving to another apartment in my complex. I’m just not looking forward to it. I wish that day would just come and go. I move Tuesday and I haven’t done a single bit of packing yet. I know I’ll wait til Monday too. Everytime I’ve told myself, “Ok, todays the day I’m gonna start cleaning up and boxing stuff up,” I seem to get distracted and go watch “Gossip Girl” or fool around on the internet for 3 hours. I’ve got ADD when it comes to stuff that I don’t want to do. I think I’m purposely making excuses to put it off til the last minute. Oh well. Such the life of a procrastinator.

Of course, other than it being Thanksgiving, I’m returning back to California in two weeks for the annual Turkey Bowl flag football game, played Thanksgiving morning. I think my buddies and I have done it 10 years in a row now, and I’ve realized the older I get, the less I can play in it. Two years ago, I pulled my hamstring, and last year, my back pretty much allowed me to do nothing. I’ve got back problems. I know, I sound like I’m 50, but I do. It’s just the way it is. Sucks not being a world class athlete anymore and that I can’t do the things I used to be able to do. Well, you know, except THAT thing. Haven’t lost that touch whatsoever. In fact, I don’t think I ever will. So no worries. Whoever was curious. Man, in years past, I couldn’t wait til Thanksgiving morning to play in that game. I could go non stop for hours. Now? Psssshh. I play about two series before I’m gassed. Doesn’t matter. We brought in some ringers this year, so they won’t need me as much.

THE BACHELOR/ETTE

-Let’s first start off with the news that a lot of you seem to be interested in, which is the rumors that DeAnna and Jeremy spent the weekend together recently. This story made it into a local Dallas magazine, which then had a couple internet sites who ran with it. Obviously, I went straight to the source on this one and asked Jeremy if he had heard of this report and whether or not it was true. His response: “Totally ridiculous.” No, Jeremy did not spend the weekend with DeAnna, hasn’t spent any weekends with DeAnna since the show ended, and doesn’t have any plans to spend future weekends with her. In addition, he told me to throw in that the weekend in question, he wasn’t even in Dallas as he was out of town celebrating his grandma’s 80th birthday with family. So there’s that. You got your answer.

-Next item of business regarding Jeremy were pictures from a recent Halloween party in Las Vegas that had him “canoodling” with Aubrey O’Day, formerly of the group “Danity Kane”. Couldn’t avoid these pictures since they’re out there on the internet, so of course, I had to ask him about those. His response: “Yes, I was her guest to the Halloween party in Vegas, we’re very good friends, but no, we’re not dating. I spent the rest of that weekend in Vegas with friends who were in from Dallas.” I don’t know anything about Aubrey O’Day since I never watched “Making the Band.” She could be a great, wholesome, voluptuous, young woman with high moral standards, or she could be a giant floozy, as the media seems to portray her as. I have no idea. Here’s what I do know. Her breasts are the size of small children. So that must account for something. Like being able to solve our economic crisis.

-So where does Jeremy stand right now regarding his relationship status? Here’s what he had to say when I asked him.

“I can comment that I’m not dating anyone right now. I hang out with my friends but there are no proposals coming from me anytime soon. I just haven’t met the one yet. I am hoping I do but I’m not putting any pressure on myself. There is no hurry, and in the meantime, I have my newborn niece to play with as well as my other niece and nephew. I’m just having fun being an uncle right now.”

Hey, I’m here to help. If you need his social security number or bank account information, I can give you that too. Ha ha. Kidding people. After what happened with Paula Abdul’s stalker, I don’t trust any of the weirdos out there who consider themselves fans.

-Well, well, well. Our beloved DeAnna has gone running to her MySpace page to give us her side of the story. And by “her side of the story,” I mean “nothing at all.” Here’s what DeAnna wrote about the breakup with Jesse:

First, I would first like to thank all of the people who have supported Jesse and myself. I, too, am saddened by the breakup of our relationship. While it would be easy to get on here and start defending myself against the recent negative attacks on me, I choose not to do that. I respect the relationship Jesse and I had too much to drag the issues we had out into the public eye. Some things need to remain private. I wish Jesse nothing but the very best life has to offer and I know that he will succeed and do well in his pursuits. I greatly appreciate everyone who has posted publically or privately offering kind words and support during this difficult time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. DeAnna

Hey, I know I’m just as guilty as the rest of them when it comes to spell check since I’ve never used it once, but DeAnna, feel free to spell “publicly” correct next time. It might serve you well as you start your new blogging endeavor, which we’ll get to in a moment. When she says, “It would be easy to get on here and start defending myself against the recent negative attacks on me,” I really hope she’s talking about me. Hey, I’d love to go face-to-face with her. Hell, I’ll throw the invitation out there right now. Come do an interview with Reality Steve, DeAnna. The floor is yours. Say what you want to say. Mi casa, su casa. If it’s so easy to defend yourself, then why don’t you do it? Frankly, I don’t think there’s much you can say which would change anyone’s mind.

You see, what DeAnna seems to be missing here is that I’m not attacking her for breaking up with the guy, we all know that happens. Especially when it comes to this show. I’m not attacking her for “things that need to remain private” between her and Jesse. Those were their problems and none of my business. What I am attacking her for are things that can’t be disputed:

-the fact that all along, she wanted to be on television and used the “Bachelor/ette” as a spring board. If she were to say, “I went on the show with the intention of falling in love, and as a result, all these opportunities came about so I took them,” I’ll just call bulls**t on that since we know that’s not the case.
-the fact that her and Jesse were the only Bachelor/ette couple to create their own website dedicated to telling us where they were, where they’ll be, all homemade videos of them, and every interview or tv appearance they had.
-the fact that Jesse claims the only time she was affectionate with him was in front of the cameras.
-the fact that on Monday, the day the breakup reached the press, she was on a TV morning show and was asked point blank how things were with Jesse, and she responded by saying they were still getting married, even though they had broken up two days earlier.

Sorry, honey. Those are the undisputable facts. If you would like to tell your side of the story to every one of those examples, I would like nothing more than to hear what you come up with. Until then, have fun blogging.

-So DeAnna has been hired by Lifetime TV to be a co-host for a show called “Get Married”. She is also a blogger on their site, I guess to tell all the numerous wedding stories she has from her zero weddings. Really? People are going to be getting wedding advice from someone who’s never been married? Brilliant. I think I’m going to go write a book on parenting, even though I’ve never had any kids. Or better yet, how about someone hire me to host a show on the Travel Channel where I tell you all about all the hot spots and good bargains you can get in Europe even though I’ve never been out of the country? Unbelievable. Here’s the link to her blog. I found it hilarious that all the comments on there so far are positive. “Great to have you, DeAnna!” “You’ll find that love of your life someday!” “You are awesome. There is someone special out there waiting for you!” Please. I’m gonna barf.

http://www.getmarried.com/bloggerbrides/index.php?page=view_post&post_id=948#post_comments

My suggestion? Reality Steve fans and DeAnna haters start bombarding her blog with comments calling her out for being a fraud. I’m guessing they won’t let those on a million years. Gotta love how the media can spin things any way they want. Seriously, I’m flabbergasted that someone hired her to co-host a show about getting married when she’s never been married, nor has she ever planned one. Ok, well maybe her and Jesse were in the very beginning stages of their wedding, but please, we all know that was being put together by ABC. This is hilarious. You are truly lost in life if you watch this show to listen to her advice.

-I think I’ve pretty much said my peace on DeAnna and Jesse. Convenient that not one week after they break up, she’s got a TV gig lined up. Yeah, I’m sure that had nothing to do with it. Ok, that’s it. I’m done. No more about them. Until probably the next column.

-In other “Bachelor” related news, looks like one of our other couples is officially back together. I’d been hearing rumors that Charlie O’Connell and Sarah Brice were back together, but there wasn’t anything official from either party. Until now. Charlie recently told “In Touch” magazine, “I don’t want to jinx it, but it’s going great. We are taking it slow and not taking each other for granted this time. The future looks good!” Anyone that’s been following my column for years knows that I’ve said the best season this show ever produced in terms of being the most realistic was Charlie’s season. They didn’t have extravagant dates, it was filmed in his hometown, every date involved something any normal couple would do in the beginning stages of a relationship, and at the end of six weeks, he wasn’t forced to choose anyone. They allowed him to continue dating both girls during the entire time the show was being aired to the public, then he made his final decision live during the finale. Why ABC has only chose to use that format once in 16 seasons is beyond me. I guess because it made too much sense. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the longest running couple, outside of Byron and Mary who like to beat each other up, is Charlie and Sarah. They went out for two years, took a year off, and now they’re back together.

-And how about the latest “US Weekly” story that has former Bachelor Travis Stork and Carrie Underwood now playing hide the pickle? Jeesh. Other than their Nashville ties, I wouldn’t have seen this one coming in a million years. I’d say that’s a step up from Sarah or that wet blanket Moana, wouldn’t you? Nice catch, Trav. Might wanna to hold on to that one. Then again, all of Carrie’s public relationships have failed, and the minute they do, she writes a song about it. Just don’t cheat on her. She might dig her keys into the side of your pretty little suped up four wheel drive, then carve her name into your leather seats. And if you’re not careful, she might take a Louisville slugger to both headlights and slash all four tires. So think before you cheat. Yes, I own the CD. I’m so gay.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

-Not really surprising to see who’s left at this point. Its definitely the four best dancers. I assume that the finals will be Brooke, Cody, and Warren. Some of you might say Lance stays over Cody, which I wouldn’t have a problem with, but let’s all remember who Cody’s partner is: Julianne. And people like her and want to keep her around. That’s why when she was gone the last two weeks and he looked completely uncomfortable with Edtya, he was still kept around. I honestly wouldn’t mind seeing Warren go, but that’s just because I’m biased against the guy having followed his sports career. Don’t like him at all. Never have, never will. Wanna know a pet peeve of mine? People who constantly laugh at their own jokes. Or laugh after every sentence that comes out of their mouth whether its funny or not. Sorry, can’t stand it. And Warren does it, ALL THE TIME. Annoying. Plus, if you really, really, really look at his dancing, it’s not that good. He just puts on a good performance, smiles a lot, and the crowd likes him. But technically, he’s the worst of the four left by far. But then again, that’s really never mattered since it’s mostly a popularity contest.

-Cody had to come out this week and defend himself after that video performance Tuesday night where he’s shown wailing away at Julianne being gone. Basically, Cody denied he has a crush on Julianne, even though everything he’s done this year suggests otherwise. Really Cody? You don’t? May I ask you something? Why not? She’s freakin’ Julianne. Have you looked at her recently? She’s right around your age, she’s hot, she can dance, she’s successful, and she’s not a diva, from what we know. It’s ok, Cody. Just admit you go to bed every night with dirty thoughts about Julianne and wake up feeling, ummmm, uncomfortable. Sorry, Cody. Don’t buy it for a second. You’re a 19 year old boy getting to dance with arguably the hottest woman on television right now. At 19, I was pretty much sweating anytime anything with a pulse talked to me. Now you’re getting rub bodies for 6 hours a day with that and you’re telling us you don’t have a crush on her? Please. Be a man and admit you want to take Julianne to prom and all will be forgiven.

-Speaking of Julianne, did you catch her and Derek’s performance during the results show on Tuesday? So let me get this straight. This chick was laid up for two weeks after having her appendix removed and an ovarian cyst, comes back, and can put that routine together where she’s dancing around stage non-stop for 3-4 minutes straight? She’s superwoman. I think one of the more interesting things about this show is, as much as we see the celebrities improve from week 1 until the end, every time you watch the pros dancing together, they are just in a completely different league and you realize, “Wow. The celebrities will never be that good.” Once again, I have no formal training in dance, didn’t know the first thing about ballroom dancing until I started watching this show, but I’ll be the first to admit, those professionals are awesome. I understand most of them have probably been dancing since they were little kids, but I’m still pretty amazed at what they can do. Men’s bodies aren’t supposed to be that flexible. Then I watch Derek dance and I think he’s Plastic Man. So kudos to all professional dancers on that show. You entertain me.

-Of course, what would a season of “Dancing with the Stars” be without finding out, “Who’s screwing who?” Now, we all know Cody has a crush on Julianne because who doesn’t? But come to find out this week that Maxsim and Karina are now a couple. Interesting choice considering that guy could probably pull any tail that he wanted, yet he picks up Mario Lopez’ sloppy seconds. On the results show Tuesday, no doubt I was watching them a little more closely in the professionals dance. Nothing out of the ordinary, but it was their first dance since it became public knowledge that they’re fornicating off screen. Over the years, there’ve been numerous rumors and stories about who’s hooking up with who and what not. Julianne and Apolo, Julianne and Helio, Sara Evans and Tony, etc. Plenty of rumors and stories. There is one couple I know for 100% fact was sleeping together and it was well known around the set. How do I know this? Because back during this particular season, I knew someone who worked on the show. No need for Reality Steve to go flapping his gums, but here’s a hint: One of the people in question is married, and the other is one of the “bigger” pros. That’s all you get. Just know I’m not making this up for attention sake, or just going off a hunch. This is 100% confirmed. Have at it.

CELEBRITY REHAB

-A lot of reality shows out there are trash. We know this. And a lot of reality TV gets a bad rap, which it deserves. Shows like “Flavor of Love”, “Rock of Love”, “I Love NY”, “Charm School”, let’s face it, they’re garbage. They’re purely put on TV for shock value and nothing else. However, there are obviously some reality shows out there which actually serve a purpose and are beneficial to people in some way. “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” and “Biggest Loser” are two that come to mind immediately. There’s nothing negative about those shows. They’re helping people change a lifestyle. Even “American Idol” to a certain extent can fit in that category for the sole reason it gives otherwise unknown artists a chance to perform in front of millions of people every week, and can give someone their big break. Yes, the audition episodes are there for comedy value, but we all know Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood wouldn’t be where they are today without “Idol”. Well, I think we can throw “Celebrity Rehab” into that category.

-If you’ve never seen the show, it’s pretty fascinating. Yes, the people chosen for the show are mostly B and C list celebrities that you probably don’t know or care about. But the show is pretty powerful to watch. Look, I don’t know anyone in rehab, I’ve never been into drugs myself, and I’ve never been huge on that whole party scene anyway, so I can’t speak for people in their positions, but it is pretty amazing to me to watch these people not being able to function without their drugs. It reminds of the old SNL skit where Will Ferrell plays a news anchor and the teleprompter goes down, and all hell breaks loose. Watching these addicts try to recover from not having their drugs is pretty good television. And the not so surprising thing to hear is, when they’re in group therapy, learning about their family life. Basically every single one of these people had parental issues. Either their parents were users, they’re parents neglected them, they were abused or molested, etc. Funny how it works out that way. Probably a good show to watch if you’re a parent too knowing that if you’re a complete f**k up, your kid’s probably gonna turn into one too. Watch the show. Trust me. It’s really good. And if I ever get to the point where I ever need to go into therapy or something, I want Dr. Drew as my doctor. Who wouldn’t want that guy?

24

-We are now only 9 days away from “24″ 2 hour movie event next Sunday night. I can’t tell you how painful it has been for me to sit around since May of 2007 without any new episodes of “24″. Damn writers strike. Last column had the “24: Redemption” trailer in it. If you’ve never seen the show, it is ok to start watching this season. Yeah, you know won’t know some of the backstory of a couple characters, and you might not completely understand the Kiefer Sutherland character, but they’ve pretty much started fresh this season, so you’ll probably be able to pick it up fairly easy. In case you missed it, here’s trailer:

As for season 7 which starts up in January, there’s a new trailer up for it now. Includes a little more footage considering they’ve already shot 20 of the 24 episodes. Usually the trailer for the season only has clips from the first few shows, but since this season will be the first time that the whole season has been completed before the first episode airs, they’re able to include a little more footage.

That’s all for this week. I’ll be back after the Thanksgiving holiday to update everyone on my Turkey Bowl game, how Maddie is enjoying her new apartment, and all that is good, and bad, on television. Any questions, comments, concerns, praises, criticisms, guesses on which former “DWTS” couple were banging it out on a nightly basis, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next time….

Administrator Notes, Quotes...

It’s back. Part 2 will cover “The Hills”, an update on the “Bachelorette”, “Heroes”, “Friday Night Lights”, “90210″, “Fringe”, “Gossip Girl”, and a couple trailers from “24″. Also, a couple celebrity quotes that I came across which are laughable. Enjoy.

THE HILLS

-Talk about a show I’ve done a 180 on. I remember a while back when I was posting the trailer for season 3 because I was so excited. Now sure, I still watch every week, but this show has gotten too big for its own good. When all the girls personal lives are on the internet every day or in “Us Weekly”, then there really isn’t much suspense is there? We already know how everything plays out, the show is just giving us a visual of what actually transpired from what we read. Take for example, Monday’s episode. Heidi writes the “I’m sorry” letter to LC for everything that’s happened. Well, great. For those not in the know and don’t follow the show outside of what you see every Monday, then sure, it might seem like these two are headed for a reconciliation. But most people know that Heidi and Spencer are still living together, doing awful fake photo shoots every other day and are as happy as clams together. So we know that her and LC aren’t friends. But the show wants to make you believe it could still happen. I don’t see it.

-I do agree with LC and Heidi on one thing imparticular, and that’s that Spencer is the cause of everything. In fact, I’ll go as far as to say Spencer Pratt probably has something to do with our economy being in the toilet. He might be the sleeziest, most manipulative, slimy character on television right now. And he loves it. Read any interview with the guy, and you’ll see how much he loves being the villain on that show. He’s eating it up. Now, I don’t know Spencer personally, but I’m almost positive that the Spencer Pratt on the “Hills” is a completely exaggerated version of himself. He is on TV, you know. He does have cameras following him everywhere. Of course he’s gonna play the villain role up. He and Heidi are marketing whores. We’ve heard them say numerous times together that LC is the one with the problem, LC won’t let it go, it’s LC’s show and that’s why she’s portrayed in such a good light and Heidi and Spencer are always crapped on. Well, if it were that bad, and they hated being portrayed on the show like they have, why wouldn’t they just quit? I’ll tell you why: Because they’re not stupid. They know where their bread is buttered. The more they stay on the show, the more publicity they get. And as they always say, “Bad publicity is better than no publicity”. As long as people are talking about them, they’re relevant. Try opening a gossip mag any day of the week and not reading a story about either one of them. The reason they continue to stay on the “Hills” despite bitching about it all the time is because it keeps them in the news. And they’re after their own spin off show, which I guarantee they get.

-Hey, if Whitney is getting her own spin off show (which she is), I’m guessing Heidi and Spencer will since way more people care about their ridiculous existence that Whitney’s. Sure, Whitney is 100 times more likable, but that’s probably the reason her show will end up being boring. She’s too nice, and “too nice” never really translates well to television. What kind of drama will Whitney get on her show? We’ve seen her go out on one date in three seasons? Unless she starts whoring it up and making sex tapes, I just don’t see where her show would be interesting, unless you’re really into fashion and like seeing her work for Diane Von Furstenberg. Sorry. Not my cup of tea. Once the “Hills” ends, which should be after this season, Whitney’s show will start, and shortly thereafter, I’m guessing Heidi and Spencer’s.

-When you think about it, it really is amazing what has happened to LC’s life in such a short time. Three years ago she was a high school senior following Stephen around like a puppy dog even though he would go running back to Kristin when he wanted hot monkey sex. Then LC goes off to college, lasts a semester, moves back to Orange County, gets her own spinoff show, moves to LA, gets a new best friend in Heidi, tries to reconnect with racist, drunk Jason, that falls apart, as does her relationship with Heidi over rumors of a sex tape, goes to fashion school, and now has her own fashion line that’s completely overpriced for her fan base. Yet, she’s designing dresses for people at the Emmy’s. Talk about a crazy three years. Who would’ve ever thought after watching season 1 of Laguna Beach that LC would be the one to hit it big out of all of them? Kristin? Uhhhh yeah…give her two more years before she starts doing soft porn on Skinemax. Then two years after that it’ll be on to the big stuff. Count on it. Stephen? I think he’s waiting tables at Macaroni Grill somewhere. Tre? I believe he lives under a tree in New York somewhere holding a cup. Jessica? Already busted for two DUI’s and going to community college in Orange County. Think any of them are jealous of LC?

-If they weren’t jealous before, I’m guessing they are now after Defamer.com posted a story this week about how much each cast member makes. Remember, this is a reality show. Pretty amazing the coin that these people are raking in. Here’s the list in case you missed it.

Lauren Conrad: $75,000 per episode
Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode
Spencer Pratt: $65,00 per episode
Audrina Patridge: $35,000 per episode
Whitney Port: $20,000 per episode
Brody Jenner: $10,000 per episode
Lo Bosworth: $10,000 per episode
Stephanie Pratt: $8,000 per episode

Let’s remember, this show is now in its 4th season. Season 1 I believe had 10 or 12 episodes. Season 4 is going to have 22 episodes. You do the math. Pretty disgusting, huh? And you wonder how they can drive $80,000 cars and live the life they do? Well, ummmm, because they’re millionaires.

-In yet another case of being a victim of its own success, comes this Audrina/Justin Bobby/Cory love triangle. Hey Cory, I know you’re quite the charmer with that Australian accent and all, but, do we really need the arm sleeves of tattoos? Is that necessary? Well, considering Audrina is with neither of them now and apparently has latched on to someone else, kinda makes that storyline much less interesting. Just open up “US Weekly” to see who Audrina is banging now. Some douche I’ve never heard of. But apparently he’s attracted to 100lb chicks with giant silicone bowling balls strapped to her chest. Let’s see, Heidi’s gotten implants since the show started and so has Audrina. We know Lauren will never get them because it would go against everything that she preaches about not being caught up in the Hollywood scene, and how she likes her body the way it is, blah blah blah. Maybe Whitney will upgrade her plus-2’s and debut them when her show starts. By the way, it’s being called “The City”. Some really creative people to come up with a name like that for the show. When Heidi and Spencer get their spin-off, how about we just go with “The Douches”.

-I think the main story we should be focusing on with Audrina is her running to her MySpace page and addressing these rumors that Lauren hooked up with Justin Bobby. Audrina says she doesn’t know what to believe, Lauren has flat out denied it, and Justin Bobby isn’t talking, as usual. But then we get the famous “according to a source” story from “US Weekly” claiming that Audrina made it up to create a storyline for the show because she feels left out. Now that I wouldn’t put past her at all. Completely believable. Especially since it came down right after it was announced that Whitney was getting her own show. Can’t possibly have her steal the spotlight now, can we? I think it’s safe to say Audrina’s taste in men rivals that of a prostitute. She has no shame. As evidenced by the fact she goes topless in the pool last night to seduce Justin Bobby, only to have a conversation seconds later about him having a “hall pass” when they’re in Cabo. Translation: Let me go bang any woman I want when we’re there and you don’t get pissed. Sounds fair to her.

BACHELORETTE

-Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, or live a life without another season of this mess, it’s not. A casting call has gone out for season 5 of the “Bachelorette”. I guess since they’re so thrilled with DeAnna and Jesse’s “success”, they want to do another one. And by the looks of it, they don’t want to cast a previous contestant. We’ll see about that. Speaking of DeAnna and Jesse, do me a favor. Go to their website, www.deannaandjesse.com, and tell me you don’t think the whole thing is just odd. I mean, real odd. The fact that they’re constantly updating us on what they’re doing, where they are, what appearances they’ll be making, and how in love they are with each other, makes it that much more fake to me. Sorry. Not buying it.

90210

-This show is incredibly frustrating, and I’ll tell you why. For those of us that grew up with the original “90210″, this thing couldn’t possibly be any further from that. I understand they’re trying to re-create the nostalgia, but please. This show has nothing to do with the original other than Kelly, Brenda, Nat, and the Peach Pit. Nat barely has anything to do with the show, Brenda is off and hasn’t been re-signed yet for any new episodes, the Peach Pit is not the Peach Pit if David Silver isn’t rapping or Jamie Walters isn’t bitch slapping Donna one night, then singing “How Do You Talk to an Angel” the next. It’s laughable how “2008″ this version. First episode we see Annie re-connecting with old flame Ethan from a distance. She sees him in his car and waves to him just as another chick is getting up from his lap after a lunchtime BJ. Boy, how times have changed. Could you imagine seeing that scene back in 1991 involving Dylan, Brenda, and some skank? Neither can I.

-If I told you this show was called “Eastside High”, would you tell me, “No way. This is totally ‘90210′. I can see all the resemblances.” No, you wouldn’t. Nor should you. It’s just another high school show that just happens to have the “90210″ title attached to it. You mean, we’re supposed to believe the Wilson’s have replaced the Walsh’s? Please. In the Walsh’s, you actually believed they could be a real family. The Wilson’s? It’s just four actors thrown together and told, “Hey, you’re our star family. Make it work.” And I find it pretty comical that a running joke through all the years of the original “90210″ was that they never had any black people on the show. So what does the new version do? Not only do they cast Dixon, they make him part of the main family in an adoption angle. Sorry. Too forced. I don’t see it. He sticks out like a sore thumb on this show. And not because of the color of skin, it’s because he’s a horrible actor, as are most of the people on this show. It just doesn’t fit. It’s too forced and too unbelievable. Yes, I know it’s only been five episodes, but there’s no way the Wilson’s will ever come close to replacing the Walsh’s.

-And what’s the deal with all the chicks on this show being rail thin? It’s Beverly Hills. Can we at least get a couple chicks on this show with implants? Seems to me that’d make it a little more realistic. It’s funny, about a month ago, someone asked me about the show after it first aired, and the first thing I noticed was that two of the main characters (Annie and Silver) were grossly underweight. Then what do you know? A week later, those two are the cover of an “US Weekly” asking whether or not they’re too thin. It’s ok, “US Weekly”. I’ll let you steal from me. No worries. Yeah, apparently these girls split a peanut for lunch, and dinner consists of water and a fig leaf. The weird thing is, if they weren’t so skinny, they’d be hot. Acting? Well, that’s a different story. But if you’re watching “90210″ for the acting, then you’re the one with problems.
-So here’s a quick rundown on everyone else the show has to offer:

Naomi- I preferred her much more when she was getting banged by Dr. Sean McNamara in “Nip/Tuck”. Good stuff. Her crying scenes may be the worst on television right now. That face she makes before the tears start coming is frightening.

Harry Wilson– I liked him better on “Melrose Place” when he was chasing skirt. But hey, he was once married to Josie Bissett, so he gets points for that.

Kelly Taylor– Yummy. Can never go wrong with Jennie Garth. I believe she’s back for another 5 or 6 episodes later on in the season. Good. Gives me a reason to keep watching.

Brenda Walsh– Was never a fan of hers from the original, so I could care less if she comes back.

Mr. Matthews– I like this guy if he wasn’t such a wuss. Hey, he got to first base with Kelly Taylor. Then again, who doesn’t? The fact he didn’t get past that stage with one of the all-time sluts in TV history tells you all you need to know about this guys game. Maybe next time, bud.

Steve Sanders, Brandon Walsh, Dylan McKay, David Silver – All need to come back to save this show. And soon. Basically what I’m saying is, can we do a “90210″ remake with all the original characters? Thanks. I don’t ask for much.

GOSSIP GIRL

-Slowly moving up the charts of “One of my favorites shows that I have no business watching”. If you liked the “OC”, then you’ll like “Gossip Girl” considering its written by the same guy. Different characters, different setting, same storylines. Cheating, drinking, drugs, and hot, spoiled chicks in high school. When the show first started, I was a “Blair” guy. Loved me some Blair Waldorf. But the more and more I watch, and the more and more times Blake Lively keeps showing up on the internet and in magazines, I’m slowly starting to become a fan. Right now, it’s a toss up. I don’t know if I’m with Team Blair or Team Serena. I’ll let you know when I finally decide. Actually, I won’t be the one deciding. What’s in my pants will. He’s usually the judge, jury, and executioner when it comes to stuff like this. Whatever he says goes, so I just follow his lead.

-I understand that Chuck Bass’ character is a little out there and different, but, who dresses that guy? Do all New York preppies wear plaid pants and bowties out in public? Seems to me like they REALLY exaggerate his wardrobe to the point of being retarded. As for Nate, I ran into that guy at a movie theater here in Dallas a couple months ago. He was walking to the concession stand by himself. I, on the other hand, was with a hot date. So basically that means that I’m cool and he’s a loser. Yep. That’s what it means. At least in my eyes it does. And he pretty much looked how I expected. Like a skinny Abercrombie and Fitch model that probably wears make up when he’s not supposed to. But yet, as always, he could pull any 18-24 year hottie in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area if he wanted to, so I guess he has some sort of scoreboard on me.

-First you hear the rumors flying that Chuck and Nate (who are roommates together in NY where they film) were gay. Then you hear that Nate was secretly seeing Drew Barrymore, only to see a couple days later a picture of Drew making out with Chuck at a NY bar. I’ve come to the conclusion after seeing that story that Drew Barrymore and I will probably get married someday since she pretty much has no standards. And any woman with no standards gives me a chance. I mean, just look at the crop of guys she’s been linked to over the years. You’d need a spreadsheet just to keep up. Justin Long? The Mac guy? Really? Your legs start to shake at the sight of him? Excuse me, Drew, nice to meet you. Reality Steve here. If you’re available, I’d love to take you to the Olive Garden some day for an unlimited supply of soup, salad, and breadsticks. I know how to spoil my women.

HEROES

-Here’s the major problem I’m having with “Heroes”. Actually, it’s three-fold:

1) Nobody can ever die on that show anymore (at least none of the main characters)
2) Too many characters with too many paths that have crossed in the past which completely confuses me.
3) I don’t know whose got what powers now. Everyone seems to be able to do everything.

Season 1 was great. You knew exactly who the characters were, what powers they had, and what their purpose was. The story built the whole season to the exploding man in NYC, yet you didn’t know who or why until the finale. Granted, the finale kinda disappointed for all the hype it had, but it was still an overall solid first season that any show has ever produced. I understand that season 2 got affected by the writers strike, but that was probably a good thing considering that season veered WAAAAY off track. Too many ridiculous storylines and too many new characters, that frankly, I don’t think a lot of people cared for. And the ratings showed it. Season 3 has tried to go back to the roots of Season 1, but I’m afraid once again, it’s getting a little too convoluted. One person shouldn’t have to think so much while watching a show. There should be some twists and turns to make it interesting, but everytime someone appears on screen, I shouldn’t have to ask myself, “Ok, how do they know that person? Where did they once meet up before? Why are they good/bad again?” Seems like a bit much.

-I guess I sorta see where this season is headed: Father Petrelli, who I guess was supposed to be dead but is now brought back to life, is creating an “army” of “villains” to go up against all those “heroes” with special powers. That’s great and all, but when the line is getting blurred as to who is considered a villain and who is considered a hero, that’s where they lose me. I’m sure in time this will all play out, but anyone that watched this show from the beginning has got to agree that Season 1 was so much easier to follow. Especially now that they’ve incorporated the “future” Peter and “future” Claire. That’s getting to be a bit too much. So now the future versions of themselves can come back to present day and rescue/save/kill? We’re bordering on ridiculous now.

-And I know I’ll probably be in the minority saying this, but I’m telling you, Hiro Nakamura is the most annoying character on that show. I know, I know. Most of you probably think he’s cute and funny. I find him extremely annoying. And his whole “superhero” storyline that’s been going on since the beginning is getting old. That’s one of the main problems with the show now: too many characters. Here are the characters that are the most interesting: All the Petrelli’s, Noah Bennett, Sylar, Claire, and Mohinder. If they did away with Parkman, Hiro, Maya (which should be coming next week), Adam Monroe, all the Level 5 rejects, and Nikki/Barbara/Jessica, would anyone really be that upset? And I love how they’ve completely just forgotten to mention the chick from last season that Micah moved in with. You know, the one that could copy anything she saw on television? Uhhh, what happened to her? Not that I care to see her again, but can we at least get an explanation? Especially since she’s a fellow Loyola Marymount Lion. That right there should warrant immediate respect.

FRINGE

-Beginning to like this show more and more, and this coming from someone who was never a fan of the “X-Files”. From all accounts, and people I’ve talked to who were fans of that show, “Fringe” is pretty similar. I’ve just always taken a liking to shows that carry on a story arc throughout the course of a season, revealing little by little every episode. Each episode is separate in its own way, yet plays to an overlying theme of the show. In “Fringes” case, it would be “the pattern”. Somehow, all these weird events will be linked.

-As much as I like Joshua Jackson, it’s still hard for me to watch this show and not think of Pacey Witter. To me, he’ll always be the little horndog that was sleeping with the teacher then, in the end, ended up with Katie Holmes while Dawson created a TV show about their childhood. And I will argue this with anyone to my grave, that the series finale of “Dawson’s Creek” was one of the top 5 series finales of all-time. Better than “Seinfeld”, better than “Cheers”, better than “Friends”, etc. If you followed that show from day one, which I did (I know. Shocker, huh?), then you wouldn’t think I’m that crazy. If you were a casual observer of the show, then you’ll think I’m nuts. Trust me. It was an unbelievable finale that any fan of the show should watch again. It wasn’t over-the-top, it wasn’t ridiculous, it wasn’t forced, and it actually made sense. And who would’ve thought when that show was airing that Katie Holmes would end up being the crazy one when it was all said and done? Certainly not me. And that James Van Der Beek would have the most insignificant career after the show ended? Weird how that works.

-However, if you haven’t seen “Fringe” yet, but want to start, I suggest going to Fox’s website and catching up on past episodes. If you try and start watching now, you might get a little confused as to who is doing what and why things are happening. Just a suggestion. The acting is good, the story is interesting, and its almost as if you’re watching a movie every week. And I like the fact that the female lead isn’t ridiculously hot to where it distracts from the story. Not hot, but certainly not ugly. Trust me, if she were hot, then it would completely detract from me enjoying the show. Kinda like how Kate Walsh does with “Private Practice”. I can’t get into the meat and potatoes of that show because she makes my pants tight. That and the fact that there’s just too much crying on that show for me. Every episode someone, at least once, has broken down to tears. Attractive cast though, I will give them that. We all know about Kate Walsh. Amy Brenneman is MILF’y in her own way. And the female doctor that Cooper is schtupping is hot too. Don’t know her name. Doesn’t matter. She’s juggy.

24

-Anyone that knows me, knows my ridiculous obsession with “24″. It’s beyond comprehension, so just know that. So with that said, you can imagine how stir crazy I’ve gone over the last year and a half since we last saw an episode. It was all set to come back this January as usual until the writers strike hit. They had 8 episodes in the can, but due to the fact they wouldn’t be able to complete all 24 and run them uninterrupted from January-May, they figured they’d hold off until this January. Well, to hold people over, they’ve decided to do a 2 hour movie, still done in real time, and air it on Nov. 23rd. For those that don’t want to be spoiled or don’t want to know anything, stop reading now because I’m going to give a summary of where we left off, where the show stands now, and where the show is headed.

-When we last saw Jack at the end of Season 6, he was standing on a cliff outside of Secretary Heller’s house having just said goodbye to Audrey. There were rumors at that time, that during that final scene of him overlooking that cliff, Tony was going to appear. Producers decided to hold off on that and have Tony re-appear in Season 7, as we saw when they first started promoting Season 7 last year. Now, I’m not sure how they’re explaining Tony is still alive, but he is, and they will. Apparently it’s somewhat believable. I’ve gone over this numerous times in my head whether I like this or not. On one hand, “24″ has never had a character die on screen (like Tony did in Jack’s arms during season 5), then come back to life. So in that aspect, I don’t like it. However, this is Tony Almeida we’re talking about. Outside of Jack and President Palmer, probably the most liked character on the show. Hey, if they can give me an explanation that’s remotely believable, then I’m on board for the return of Tony.

-Anyway, before we can get to Tony and his storyline (which at present time, has him returning as a bad guy which you’ll see in the clip below), we must address this prequel movie. The movie takes place roughly four years after Season 6 has ended. The movie itself was shot in real time, but two different storylines will be taking place. It’s Inauguration Day in the United States with new female President Allison Taylor taking the reigns from Noah Daniels, who you remember took over for Wayne Palmer when he got sick. Is Wayne dead? I don’t know. I don’t even know if they’re going to address it. So in this 2 hour movie, things are happening in the U.S. with the new President being sworn in, all the while, Jack is in Africa helping out a friend who runs a missionary. Well, of course, all hell breaks loose and Jack is caught in the middle of it.

-How does the prequel play into Season 7? Not sure quite yet, but it does. Season 7 takes place a few months after the prequel happens (in TV time). Real time, the prequel is Nov. 23, and the new season starts in January. But basically, if you watch the prequel, you’ll have a better understanding of how Season 7 is going to start with Jack in front of Congress having to pay for what’s happened in his past. So, if I haven’t confused you enough, and if you haven’t had your TV on Fox for the last month, here is the main trailer for the “24″ movie, airing Nov. 23rd. Yes, I’ve already watched it about 50 times. Enjoy.

As for Season 7, this was the trailer that they started running last year, when they thought the season would start in January of 08′. I’m guessing nothing has changed since they’ve almost completed Season 7 as a whole, which I’ll get to in a minute.

Now, if you can’t get excited for the show returning after watching those previews, then you don’t have a pulse. And I can never speak to you again. So there. When Season 7 begins in January, it’ll be the first time in “24″ history that the whole season will have been completed filming before the first episode airs. This was all because of the dumb ass writers strike. The positive is that it gave them plenty of time to map out the whole season in advance and not write on the fly as the season goes along. The negative? It gives no room for error. If something isn’t sitting well with the audience, or if there’s a character that isn’t working, they can’t kill them off or change the storyline. When January rolls around, all 24 episodes will be done. Usually they only have the first 12 or so completed before the first one airs. So this could be a blessing in disguise, or it could backfire. Only time will tell. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything to worry about. The producers know Season 6 was their worst season. Wasn’t terrible by any means, just probably the weakest they’ve done based on a lot of repetitive storylines. But from everything I’ve read, the “24″ movie, and Season 7, are the best things they’ve done in a while. Only 5 more weeks. And yes, I’m counting the seconds. So should you.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

-Never before in the six years of writing this column have I ever asked my readers to start watching a show. I’ll recommend stuff, maybe give glowing reviews of something, but never have I actually come out and asked people to start watching a show. Until now. I don’t know how else I can put this other than “Friday Night Lights” is one of the best shows you’ll ever see. No, it’s not a show about football. No, it’s not a show only guys will like. Let me put it to you this way: If you went to high school, and you enjoyed high school, you’ll love “Friday Night Lights”. The acting is about as good as you can get on television, the storylines are completely believable (outside of the football scenes which get to be over-the-top), and the cast is about as likable as any cast you’ll ever come across. There’s hot chicks for guys to drool over (I’m still debating if I’d rather have monkey sex with Tyra or Lyla), and there’s plenty of man candy for the women to drool over.

-Do yourself a favor and either rent disc one of Season 1, or just watch it online. If you can honestly tell me after watching the first four episodes that you’re not hooked, then, well, you’re an idiot. We complain all the time about how “The Hills” is scripted, or all the skanks on “Rock Of Love” are ridiculous, or the “Bachelor” is a failure, but, we keep watching. Yet a brilliant show like this, which is about a good a family show I’ve seen on television in the last 15 years, goes unwatched and might be on the verge of cancellation. If you don’t listen to anything else I ever say again, just know I’m being serious about this show. You’ll like it. A lot. It’s almost impossible not to. So that’s your homework assignment. Watch the first four episodes of Season 1. If you can honestly tell me you didn’t like it, I’ll try to believe you. But I’m guessing you won’t and you’ll want to keep watching more. Season 1 has a full 22 episode season, and Season 2 was only 13 episodes because of the writers strike. Each season you can go buy at Target right now for $19.99. Do it. Season 3 doesn’t air on NBC until January or February so you have a couple months to get caught up. You won’t be disappointed. If you like television, and you really like to get immersed in a good show and not reality crap, this is a can’t miss show.

Quote of the Week: “Seriously, at the end, do you really feel like you’re going to walk away being her best friend? Are we gonna hang out and do lunch together? - Michelle Kopasz, after getting eliminated from Paris Hiltons “My New BFF”. I haven’t watched two seconds of this show, but this quote pretty much sums up how I feel about it. Exactly. Like Paris is ever going to be seen hanging out with whoever she chooses on this show. And Michelle, if that’s what you thought, exactly why did you go on the show in the first place?

Quote of the Week II: “I have done sexy photo shoots and stuff where people would assume that I am this really loud and outgoing but I’m really shy” - Kim Kardashian, shortly after getting eliminated from “Dancing with the Stars”. Really, Kim? You’re shy? I never would’ve guessed by that sex tape you released when you let Ray-J urinate on you. Congratulations on being used as someone elses toilet. Must feel real good about yourself.

Well, that’s it. I told you it would be here this week, and it is. A little late, but hey, it made it. Do you realize that both Part 1 and Part 2 of this column combined were 23 pages on Microsoft Word? Told you it was the longest thing I’d written. So if you have any questions, comments, emails, suggestions, praises, criticisms, feel free to send them my way at: steve@realitysteve.com. I’ll be back in a couple weeks with all the latest and greatest in the world of television. Heading to California for Halloween weekend for a radio appearance and getting to trick-or-treat with my niece and nephew. I’m sure I’ll have a story or two from that. Until then…

Administrator Notes, Quotes...

-Back in college during my junior and senior year, I actually wrote a weekly column for our school newspaper under this same title of “Notes, Quotes, and Observations.” So after having a very nostalgic moment last week, I figured I’d break out the old title and use it on this column. Granted, that column was an all-sports column that I’m sure pissed off a few people (mostly Notre Dame fans) on a weekly basis. This will be strictly TV related, reality and non-reality. Sure, once the “Bachelor” starts up again, we’ll be going back to the “Bachelor” recaps, but that’s not til January. I need to do something to hold you over. So I figured I’d just cover everything that I deem important going on in television right now. I’ll have some notes that you may or may not know, a few outlandish quotes that celebrities seemingly have on a daily basis, and most definitely I’ll have some observations on things that I watch. So without further adieu, as I dust off the old college articles, here’s our first ever installment of “Notes, Quotes, and Observations” on RealitySteve.com.

-Even though it’s been a month since I’ve been there, a couple notable things from my trip to Vegas. Well, at least the ones that I’m allowed to print.

1) The Friday night I was there, as I’m roaming the Mandalay Bay casino floor trying to figure out which black jack dealer should take my money next, who do I see sitting at a table with two other guys? None other than…Damon Lindelof. Ha ha…you were probably expecting to hear me say “Carmen Electra”, or “Megan Fox”, or some other random hot chick I’d do nasty things to. Nope. Of course, this is where my TV geek in me comes out. The fact I even know who Damon Lindelof is, let alone what he looks like, should tell you all you need to know. For you non-TV nerds, Damon Lindelof is the co-executive producer of “Lost”. The worst part is, I was just as excited to see that guy as I would’ve been any of those girls. I was so tempted to just play at his table so I could sit next to him and talk his ear off about the show, which is exactly why I didn’t do it. I figured that guy gets enough fans asking him “Where’s the island?” and “What happened to Jin?”, that he didn’t need it from me. Still, I’m kicking myself to this day for at least not sitting down, introducing myself, and engaging in some sort of conversation. I’m an idiot.

2) On the flight home, I got upgraded to first class. Not because I’m any sort of high roller, but I’m telling you this because it plays into the story. I got seated behind, what I thought, was a normal couple. He was a little older, looked like a chain smoker, and had a ponytail. She was white trash. Had on a black mini-skirt, yellow tank top, and a black bra. Yeah, you probably don’t want to go with the dark colored bra under the light colored shirt. Just screams, “I’m a slut”. Anyway, they were easily both in their 40’s, and consuming a ton of wine throughout the whole flight. So with about a half hour left, and I’m not kidding, these two start making out like the plane is about to go down and it’s the last physical contact they’ll ever have with anyone. For the final 30 minutes of the flight, these two were in full on, make out, groping mode. It was embarrassing. And all I could see was the top of their heads moving, but it was literally impossible to turn away. You ever NOT looked at a car crash on the freeway? Neither have I.

-As for my Maddie story, here’s the good news: When I was in Vegas, I boarded her at a new place that I found and she loved it. All the workers there were complimentary of her and the report card that she received gave her an “A”. They actually even take pictures of her playing with the other dogs and attach it to the report card. Now to the bad news: When walking her in my complex a couple weeks ago (as always on a leash), another dog owner was walking her two dogs unleashed. One of them (I have no idea what breed it was, but was right around Maddie’s size), comes walking over to us. As this dog approaches us, the owner says, “Don’t worry, she’s friendly.” Her and Maddie sniff each other for two seconds before this dog starts pouncing on Maddie. I’m screaming at this dog trying to get her off Maddie, all the while pulling Maddie’s leash. But this dog has basically attached itself to Maddie and the more I pull, the more I pull this dog with her. The other owner comes running over, and after about 30 seconds of barking and Maddie wailing, I finally separate the two. Then I went into a verbal tirade on this woman unlike anything I’d ever done. Called her names, dropped f-bombs, made her cry….it was, well, awesome. I can’t remember the last time I went off on someone like that. I also can’t remember the last time I was that scared. I was sure that Maddie would be bleeding or have scratches, but she came away unscathed. However, she was petrified for the next day or so, and I hope I never have to go through that experience again. That was terrible.

-Back in California a couple weeks ago and got to see my nieces soccer game. Quite interesting to say the least. It’s 4-on-4, no goalies, and the field is less that 50 yards long. Basically, it’s 8 kids all running after the ball at once. I can’t even believe anyone even scores a goal in this game. My niece really has a tough time understanding how to go about kicking the ball. When the other team has it, she just runs with the group alongside the person with the ball. When her team has it, she doesn’t want to get in the way. See, this is a problem. Olivia, you need to go steal the ball from your teammates and kick it yourself. Screw teamwork. They’re not looking out for you, so you need to just look out for yourself. I know you’re only 4 and aren’t even reading this, but trust me, this is something I’ve already re-iterated to her when I was out there. Just got a call yesterday from my sister, and what do you know, Olivia scored her first goal this past weekend. And apparently it was because she stole it from one of her teammates. That’s my niece. I taught her well.

-One of the other benefits about watching her game? Orange slices. How good are orange slices on a hot day? So during the halftime break, because I was hot and hungry, I told Olivia to go steal an extra bag of oranges for me. And she did. What a great uncle. Hey, it’s not like she wouldn’t have done it anyway considering after the game, she went over to the OTHER team’s goodie bag, and got one of their after-game snacks. Hey, what can I say? The girl knows what she wants and gets it. Can’t fault her for that. I added some new pictures from that day on my MySpace and Facebook pages. You’ll notice, her team name is the Storm Troopers. But don’t ever tell her that. She will correct you by yelling, “IT’S NOT THE STORM TROOPERS, IT’S THE STAR TREEPERS!”. Don’t ask. And don’t correct her. Just play along.

-As for my nephew, Nicholas, just ask him, “Who lives in the pineapple under the sea?” And you’ll get a response of “Sponge Bob”, although it sounds more like “Bom Bom”. He knows who Sponge Bob is, its just his pronunciation isn’t up to par at the ripe old of age of 18 months. Don’t hold it against him. It’s very cute.

-So where are the interviews that I promised a couple months ago? Well, lets start off first with Brad Womack. As I mentioned, Brad and I had about a 30 minute conversation a while back, during which, we decided that the VERY NEXT NIGHT, we were going to record a phone interview. About 4 hours before that interview was supposed to take place, Brad cancelled via text message and did not reschedule. In my mind, I knew at that point it wasn’t going to happen. But I still held out a glimmer of hope. Until two weeks ago, when I checked in with him, and got this email response:

Steve,

Brad

And that was that. However, I can’t fault the guy for being honest, and told him so in a follow up email. You just don’t get up front honesty that much anymore, and I really appreciated it. The guy just doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I can respect that. I disagree when he says he doesn’t think his story is interesting, as evidenced by the numerous emails from my readers suggesting otherwise, and I told him that, but he still declined. I’m ok with it. If the guy blew me off, never got back to me, or didn’t even give a reason as to why he changed his mind in 24 hours, then that’d bother me. A lot. But what can you say to someone who actually has the guts to personally tell you why he’s declining an interview? Kudos to Brad. You’re ok in my book. You just owe me a few beers next time I’m down in Austin, which will be sooner rather that later.

-As for the other two interviews, Graham and the mystery female guest, doesn’t look good. Graham agreed to do it, told me to call him, I did and left a message and I haven’t heard back. That was about 6 weeks ago. He knows I’m looking for him, and if he wants to do it, he knows where to find me. I think at this point though, as we’re getting closer to the next “Bachelor” season, he probably doesn’t want to anymore, and frankly, neither do I. The female surprise guest? That one I was pretty much doing for my own personal enjoyment. I guarantee most of you wouldn’t have known, or cared, about that interview. But I’ve always taken a huge interest in stand-up comedy, and had exchanged emails with “Last Comic Standing” winner Iliza Schlesinger through MySpace about doing an interview. She said she’d do it, gave me her managements contact information to set it up, and they said she’s “not available anytime soon”. Really? She doesn’t have 20-30 minutes in her day for a phone interview? She lives in LA and has a car. It’s impossible to never be in your car for less than 30 minutes if you’re driving, well, anywhere. Whatever. Maybe down the line I’ll try again, because I’m still interested in talking to her about her journey, but if I have to keep going through her management company, something tells me it won’t get done.

THE BACHELOR

-According to Jeremy, the show begins filming in Mid-October with Jason and there’s a chance it could still be filmed in Seattle. He’s not sure. Although Jeremy is very close with Jason, I’m not really interested in finding out a lot before the season airs. It would probably skew what I write if I already know whats happened, and that’d be unfair to a lot of you who don’t want to know ahead of time which girls go far, and who he picks, etc. So I will try to go into this season knowing as little as possible. At least that’s the plan I have now. That could change as we get closer.

-I recently was exchanging emails with former “Bachelor: Paris” contestant Lisa and the subject of this upcoming season with Jason came up. I think the casting for this season is going to be interesting considering that every girl applying knows, or should know, who the Bachelor is going to be: Jason. And that Jason has a kid. But something tells me ABC is not going to cast 25 women who are all interested in being a step mom. There’s no way all 25 women they cast are going to be 100% behind him having a kid. Then there’d be no drama. I’m sure some girls will have lied in the casting interviews and been all, “Oh, I love kids. I can’t wait to have them. Ty is so cute. It doesn’t bother me at all.” Then you just KNOW, at some point during this season, we’re gonna hear something along these lines, “I thought I was ok with him having a kid, but I realize I’m not ready.” Count on it.

-And once again, the geographical aspect of this show is going to come into play, probably more so than in seasons past. Jason lives in Seattle and has a kid. So just like with DeAnna, can we honestly expect whoever Jason chooses that he’s gonna move to where she lives? No. Meaning that not only will the 25 girls that they cast have to be ok with being a step mom immediately, they also must be willing to move to Seattle. That’s asking a lot. So lets see how the season plays out, but, I think it’s gonna be real tough for him to find someone that, at least, doesn’t live on the west coast. Hey, maybe I’m wrong, and he’ll choose some chick from Maine, who’ll move all the way to the other side of the U.S. for him, but I doubt it.

-Which brings us back to the dilemma that this show constantly faces. Here’s where ABC has a problem: If you really, truly wanted this show to be about two people falling in love and getting married after six weeks, your best option would be to cast all 25 women from the city that the Bachelor currently lives in. Or within a few hundred miles at least. At least then, you’re not asking someone to make a career changing decision based on someone they met six weeks ago. Can long distance relationships work? Sure, it’s happened. And it will happen in the future. But on this show, in this format, it hasn’t and it seems a little more difficult. On the flip side, casting 25 women who all live next to him wouldn’t bring much diversity to the show, and I think people would get bored, if they aren’t already. So that’s where the show stands, trying to create enough diversity and intrigue to keep people watching, even though they’ve been a failure for 12 consecutive seasons. Or maybe 11.

-The latest issue of “US Weekly” had a story that Charlie O’Connell and Sarah Brice are getting back together. And of course, if its in “US Weekly”, then it must be true. That magazine has never been wrong. About anything. Totally, 100% accurate with numerous sources to back them up, even though their sources never have names. Ever notice that? Take for example last week’s edition. Just go to any story. Here I’m pulling from the article, “John Mayer Misses His Ex”. Obviously a story about John Mayer apparently still having a hard on for Jennifer Aniston. Here’s a quote: “He won’t shut up about Jen”, a source tells Hot Stuff. “He talks about her all the time.” Ok, so who’s the source? Hell, if I’m the author who wrote this column, I could’ve said that. I can’t believe that’s considered journalism in 2008. It doesn’t stop there. Here’s another: “John’s been putting everything that happened into his songs”, says a second source close to Mayer. Really? Does “second source” have a name? Or is “second source” written on their birth certificate? Pretty amazing how that magazine gets away with that constantly on a weekly basis. And that story was about as tame as you can get. So John Mayer still thinks about Jennifer Aniston? Big deal. They pull that “a source says” crap when telling us that Brangelina hate each other and want to split up. I’ve never understood how those mags don’t get sued on a weekly basis. Yet if that thing isn’t sitting in my mailbox on Friday afternoons, here I am feeling like my weekend is ruined. I have problems.

-And really “US Weekly”, do I need a 30-page special this past week on womens fashion? C’mon. I’m supposed to care about what LC, Taylor Swift, and Hilary Duff think about the clothes they wear? Nauseating. How about 30 extra pages on Kate Walsh getting dressed in the morning? Or maybe tell me more stories about how Jennifer Love Hewitt blasts the media for wanting every actress to be skinny, only to go out and lose 18 lbs in 6 weeks. You know, because she wanted to and not because she felt pressured at all. Hey Jennifer, I don’t care how or why you lost the weight, just be glad you did. Your new nickname was about to become “muffin top”. Its amazing how quickly I get through an issue of “US Weekly”. Usually takes me no more than 5 minutes considering I never read any of the stories. I just like looking at the pictures and making fun of the people I think are ugly. Sorry. Can’t help it. Just some people weren’t meant to have their picture taken and put in magazines every week. I’m talking to you, Cameron Diaz. Have Cameron Diaz and The Joker ever been seen in the same room at the same time? Didn’t think so.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

-Still fascinated by this show, which is amazing, because at the beginning of every season, I find myself asking this question, “Why should I care about any of these C-list celebrities?” Then by the end, I’m usually rooting for a couple. Weird dynamic. I guess I like seeing people take chances and do something that they’re not accustomed to doing. So I can respect the ones who are at least putting out an effort, even if they can’t dance. Take Rocco DiSpirito. You can just tell he has no rhythm, but, the guy is likable, tries to get better every week, and is genuinely excited when he advances. Sure, guys like Lance Bass who have a dance background, it comes more natural to them. But who wants to root for the favorite? Especially in a competition like this, where, if you have any dance background whatsoever, it automatically makes you a favorite.

-Which brings me to our junk-in-the-trunk friend, Kim Kardashian. I’m pretty shocked she’s already gone. Granted, most of America already hates her because she’s famous for, well, nothing. Do you realize that the only reason anyone knows who she is is because of a sex tape and the fact her father read OJ’s “suicide” letter to the media while OJ was headed down the 405 in a white Bronco? What else has she done? Nothing, other than having an ass that you could bounce quarters off of. And you talk about the wonders of make up. Kim Kardashian is about as average looking you can get without make up on. But when she is fully decked out, and has caked on all the make up, she’s one of the more attractive women out there. I just can’t get past the fact that she made one of the dirtier sex tapes around with Brandy’s brother, yet no one seems to bring that up anymore. Which is why I find this, “I’m so shy and reserved” persona all very puzzling.

-Cloris Leachman needs to shut the hell up. Look, I understand she’s 82 and any 82 year old woman even trying to compete in this competition should be applauded, but enoughs enough already. We get it. She’s basically a cartoon right now. She has no chance of winning, her dancing is terrible, and even the comedic relief she’s trying to provide is wearing out its welcome. Thanks for playing, now go home you old bag. And quit interrupting people when they’re trying to talk to you. Seriously, that’s supposed to be funny? Since I’m always watching this show on TiVo, I can honestly say, I’ve never watched her dance for more that 15 or 20 seconds before fast forwarding through it.

-Nice to hear that apparently behind the scenes, Warren Sapp is the biggest diva on the show. Rumors of him chewing out the production staff, walking out on rehearsals with his partner, and screaming down people the day of the show. Then of course the cameras come on, and he acts like a big teddy bear to get votes. Perception vs Reality. Having been a football fan my whole life, I can say I’ve never been a fan of his. Another guy who’s out promoting himself and is all about “me”. Man, you’re an idiot for even raising a voice to that hot piece of a partner you have. Yikes. Have you noticed that Kym Johnson has added a little something to her chest region this season? Yeah, they’re bigger. And better. I don’t remember her being that chesty when she was dancing with Mark Cuban. Something happened in the offseason. I think she paid a visit to Dr. 90210. So maybe I’m overlooking the fact she’s cross eyed. Big deal. I won’t even notice it when she’s…forget it.

-As busty and hot as Kym has become, I can’t say the same for 2-time winner Cheryl Burke. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but ummmmm, well, she’s packed on the lbs. She’s gotta be at least 15-20 lbs heavier than when she won with Drew and Emmitt. Easily. Could be more. Not saying no woman is allowed to add on weight, I’m just pointing it out in case you didn’t notice the four chins she’s rolling with now. As for Edtya, sucks she got paired with the comedian this year. Basically if you get paired with the comedian (Mayne, Carolla, Ross), you’re going home early. Immediately when I saw Edyta this season, something looked different. I almost didn’t notice her. But just pull any tape from last season with Jason Taylor, and watch her two episodes she was on this season. I know you’ve noticed the nose job she had done, didn’t you? Karina had a nose job a couple seasons ago, but she said it was because of “breathing problems”. Uh huh. Sure it was honey. That’s what everyone who gets a nose job says. I don’t buy it. If she wasn’t on TV every week being watched by 21 million viewers and getting photographed by the paparazzi, I’m guessing she could care less about fixing her nose. Hey, if you get a nose job, all the power to you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t tell us you’re getting it because of breathing issues. Tell the truth. You hate your nose and wanted a new one. No one will like you any less. Anyway, Edyta definitely had a job done in case you didn’t notice. That’s why I’m here.

-I guess we’re supposed to find out tonight what’s happening with Misty May. She suffered a pretty serious injury Friday night and might not be able to continue. Reports this weekend said she was definitely quitting the competition to undergo surgery on a torn achilles. Other reports say that’s not the case and her status will be updated tonight. Let me tell you what I know: She’s done. Sucks since she was one of the favorites. Not a bad dancer, and definitely one that you could see improving every week, I just had a hard time watching her dance with every shoulder and arm muscle popping out as she tries to look graceful. I can’t fault a woman for having a ripped body, but in this competition, it works against you. Kinda helps to be curvy and feminine in this show. She’s a tomboy and is built like an MMA fighter. There’s always something awkward about looking at a well built female athlete in a dress and heels. Just doesn’t look right. C’mon, you thought the same thing watching her. I’m not the only one here.

SURVIVOR: GABON

-Why it took them 16 seasons to finally do this show in HD is beyond me. Much, much better. I think from day 1, this has been the most consistent and solid reality show ever. There’s a reason its 17 seasons in and still going strong. Always in the Top 20 shows in America, and always has good drama. The casting is usually well done, the location is usually pretty interesting, and it’s almost impossible not to have drama when you have teammates and friends competing with one another, yet, having to vote each other off. Remember something very important about “Survivor”: This was the very FIRST reality show to introduce the “voting someone off” concept. I think people tend to forget that since numerous shows since then have copied it. But what makes this show so compelling, season in and season out, is that the people you are voting off are ultimately the ones that will have a hand in whether or not you get awarded $1 million. And that always makes for good television. I know Probst says that every season, but I don’t think it actually sinks in with a lot of people. You have to befriend people, and form alliances to stay in the game. Then you ultimately have to lie, deceit, and betray those same people in hopes they vote for you in the end. The show is a great social experiment, if nothing else. And it was the first of its kind. Everyone has ripped off “Survivor” in some way, shape, or form ever since its debuted. Just remember who started it.

-As for Probst, the fact that “Survivor” has been around the longest, and has been the most consistent ratings wise over 17 seasons, is probably the reason he won the Emmy for “Best Reality Show Host”. As he should. It was basically a lifetime achievement award. He was the originator, he was there from the beginning, and lets be honest, he has more to do with his show than any of the other four do. And if you like behind-the-scenes stuff, be sure to check out his blog on EW.com every Friday morning after the episode airs. Really good stuff where he tells you how he feels about certain players and certain situations that we had seen the night before. Good stuff. It’s a must read every Friday if you’re a fan of the show and want to know a little more about what went on.

Well, that’s about half of what I wanted to type. But I promised it’d be up Monday, so here it is. It’s just taking way longer than I thought. By the beginning of next wekk, the full column should be completed. In it, I’ll cover “Gossip Girl”, “90210″, “Fringe”, “24″, “Lost”, “Heroes”, “Friday Night Lights”, a few other newsworthy bits, a Dr. Reality Steve email, and some celebrity quotes. Sorry for the delay. Until then…

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