A lot of stuff to get to this week. Probably one of our bigger weeks in terms of content, so it’s possible I might spread this out over 2 weeks of columns. There’s “Celebrity Apprentice”, “DWTS”, “Survivor”, “Idol” results show, “The Hills”, “The Duel 2″, “The Cougar”, Heidi and Spencer news everywhere, not to mention the “Bachelor” Castaway weekend in Las Vegas, and a “Bachelorette” update on one of the men vying for Jillian’s heart. Before we get started, one quick note. I know a lot of you have mentioned how the comments section sometimes takes a while to load, and even after you hit submit it doesn’t appear right away. Yes, that does happen, but that has more to do with the website internally. Sometimes when I click on the comments it takes 20-30 seconds for it to load, sometimes it works right away. As for commenting itself, if you hit submit, then it went through. Might take a while to load and show up on the page, but it went through. It just looks bad when the exact same comment appears three times, and then a comment right after that giving your apologies for re-posting it just causes a little clutter. So please, one comment will do. This isn’t life or death. No need to apologize. Just don’t re-post please. Lets get started.

“Dancing With the Stars”

-Obviously the big story this week was Melissa being unable to compete. I think they need to do away with this “judging the rehearsal” thing. I don’t know, it just seems tacky. I can’t think of something better to do, I just know that’s not the solution. Maybe you just get eliminated if you can’t perform, period. The show must go on. Hell, that’s what Jewel seems to think as she pretty much dissed Melissa this week saying, “If you’re too hurt to compete, then you can’t compete.” Rawr. Cat fight. Ding ding ding. Wouldn’t mind seeing that. I’m sure they’ll look into it in the offseason, but judging those rehearsals is just dumb.

-One thing I noticed about Melissa and Tony’s rehearsal video, and you’ll be shocked to hear this coming from me I know, but it was Melissa’s boobs. Remember on the “Bachelor” she said she had a reduction and was once a 28FF? Gee, they must’ve really went in there with the vacuum and sucked it all out. She really seemed a lot bigger on the “Bachelor” than on “DWTS”. Ok, you got me. Yes, this is how I critique the female dancers. Or any female for that matter. Ha ha. Kidding. I think. I don’t really care all that much honestly, but for whatever reason, she looked much much smaller in the sport bra she wore during rehearsals than at any time in recent memory. Or in my dreams.

-Ok, I’m officially sick of Cheryl. Yet another pre-packaged video before her and Naked Guy’s dance, and there she is getting frustrated and just being a bitch during practice. It’s like clockwork every week now that she’s the one pro who has the pissiest attitude. I understand she wants to win, I understand she cracks the whip, and I understand she’s trying to get the most out of her partner, but no other pro acts like that in their video packages. In fact, none of them are close. Man, it seems like every practice session its that time of the month for her. It’s really gotten annoying. Especially when you watch all the other pros and how they deal with their partner. Obviously, she has her own style of teaching, and considering she’s a two-time winner, maybe I should shut up, but that would get on my nerves quick if she was constantly being like that to me.

-Chuck and Julianne are saying how great this experience was for their relationship now and its brought them even closer. Mark my words, these two are not going to last. You wanna know why? Because she is lightning years more famous and popular than him, and that dynamic has never worked out in Hollywood. When he’s part of some music festival in the sticks of Kentucky and she’s performing at the CMA’s, eventually, that’ll catch up to them. Nice guy, cute couple, but lets not get carried away thinking they’re going to be the next Hollywood power couple. He’s a no-name really. And once “DWTS” ends, Julianne will have plenty of opportunities to do other things. But hey, good luck you guys. Maybe I’ll run into you at Dave and Buster’s on your next date or something.

“‘American Idol’ Results Show’”

-Hey, how about that? Back on track with correctly predicting Matt going home. Not that it was all that difficult. Of course, the story of the night was people hyperventilating that Adam was in the final two. Really Adam fans? It bothered you that much? Ummmm, you need a life then. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re down to five people. Is it really that far fetched to think Adam couldn’t end up in the final two? You’re acting like he was told no one will ever produce an album for him and he’s been told to give up singing for a living. This show is voted on by pretty much a bunch of white, middle aged women and teenage girls. I don’t see what the shock is here. Especially with five people left. One is definitely the lowest vote getter, so that gives Adam a 25% chance of being in the bottom two. What’s so surprising? Nobody should be surprised about anything regarding this show from here on out. Except if Allison wins. That’s about the only thing that would surprise me at this point. Do I think Kris will win? No, I don’t. But if he did, it wouldn’t shock me to the point of some of the reactions I saw this week to Adam in the bottom two. Remember who’s voting, people.

-A Taylor Hicks sighting this week. Back making more music that has no “home” on the radio. Seriously, what station do you play Taylor’s music on? KIIS-FM, Top 40? No. Hard Rock? No. Classic Rock? No. Country? Love Songs? No. Alternative? No. R&B/Rap/Hip-Hop? No, no, no. Jazz? Maybe. If that’s the case, then there’s no wonder why his first album didn’t sell well. Lets face it, whoever wins “Idol” needs to get a lot of run on KIIS-FM/Top 40 type stations across America, or its not gonna sell. Period. Kelly Clarkson? Bingo. Reuben? Eh, not really. Fantasia? Did well for a little bit then tailored off. Carrie? Jackpot. Hit huge because you could play her music on Top 40 AND Country stations. Jordin? She’s done decent. Hey, at least she got to collaborate with Apollo Creed himself, Chris Brown. Nice career move, douche. David Cook? Another guy that can go Top 40 AND Soft Rock. Daughtry? More than one dimensional. That’s why I don’t think Adam would do well as the winner in terms of album sales. I can’t imagine he’d be putting out Top 40 type music like Clarkson and Underwood. Not sure. Time will tell.

-A great as Jamie Foxx was as a mentor to the kids this week, he was even better as a lip syncher on Wednesday night. Geez. Could that have been more obvious? When you’re voice is being synthesized, it’s pretty safe to assume you’re not singing live. Kinda brings me back to the whole Ashlee Simpson/Saturday Night Live debacle. Now, I’m not gonna sit here and defend Ashlee Simpson as a good singer because I find her rather average, but I never understood the whole crucifying of her because someone started the wrong vocal track. Hell, she never even started singing before they cut to commercial. Her band was playing one thing, and the recorded music was playing another. A LOT of vocalists sing over a voice track, so isn’t that a form of lip synching? Why did everyone come down on her for it? She’s not the first, and certainly isn’t the last. I remember the very next live show “SNL” did, Eminem was rapping over a voice track. The whole uproar over that never made any sense to me.

“Survivor”

-I love it when they do the challenge where they ask the contestants questions about other players in the game and you really find out who hates who. Of course, if you read Probst’s blog today, he hates that challenge and wishes it would go away. This week confirmed essentially what Tyson said in his exit interview last week (which the public obviously hasn’t seen), in that, Sierra was not very well liked out there and the editing is showing us a completely different person. The editing has pegged her as the underdog since Day 1 when she arrived sick, but Tyson said it, and now a lot of peoples answers last night confirmed it. She’s pretty much a bitch. It’ll be interesting to see if they come out and say it during the reunion show after the finale, which is always more entertaining than the finale itself. Sometimes its frustrating because rivalries you saw on the show, never pan out when it’s the live finale because they’ll say, “Yeah, I didn’t like him/her out there, but it’s all good. It’s just a game, and we were both competing. I said some things I shouldn’t have said. We’re cool now.” Something tells me Tyson won’t mince words when comes to Sierra and he will hate her til the day he dies.

-Another one of my favorite Probst-isms: After a team, or in last night’s case, Coach, Debbie, and Sierra didn’t win the reward, and neither went to Exile, Probst dumps salt on the wound with, “Guys, I got nothin’ for ya.” Really Jeff? And this whole time I thought maybe you’d surprise the losers with a feast to feed a small village. What a smug little prick he can be. Still the best reality game show host there is. No one is close.

-Coach was in rare Coach form during Tribal Council this week. Coach: “There are two things I hold most precious: Honesty, integrity, and courage.” Ummmm, that’s three Einstein. Once he and Deb ganged up on Sierra and claimed she was the one that approached them about reforming Timbira with Erinn to vote off Stephen, JT, and Taj, even I forgot what had happened earlier in the episode. I don’t remember who started it. Well, I rewound it after the show was over, and Sierra was the one telling the truth. With Stephen, JT, and Taj on their Reward Challenge, this is exactly what was said back at camp between Coach, Deb, and Sierra.

Coach: “With Erinn upset they sent her to Exile, if we’re gonna make a move, now is gonna be the chance.”
Deb: “Sierra, you would go with whatever Coach decided, wouldn’t you?”
Sierra: “I don’t know right now.”

So no doubt it was Coach and Deb’s idea since they were the ones who suffered the most from Tyson’s blindside last week. As I mentioned in last weeks column, there only chance to survive was to recruit former Timbira members, Sierra and Jenn, and have the 4-3 advantage, but that seemed impossible since I knew Sierra would be bitter at Coach for trying to vote her out last week. Which she gave him crap for last night basically saying, “You guys need my help now and why should I help you.” However, with all that said, I actually thought it was a genius move on Coach and Deb’s part to even bring up the fact it was Sierra’s idea to reform the old Timbira. Even though Stephen and JT seemed to believe Sierra over Coach, they still voted her out because of the drama she causes. And because apparently she wasn’t well liked out there at all. Whew. My head hurts.

-So last week I mention that the show is having us believing a Stephen, JT, Taj, and Erinn or Sierra final four, the fourth being whoever the Jalapao group decides to bring. Coach and Deb believe that their final four is them two along with Stephen and JT, who have told them as well that’s the the final four. And to back that up, at last nights vote, the 4 votes Sierra got were from Stephen, JT, Coach, and Deb. Taj voted for Deb, Sierra voted for Deb, and Erinn voted for Stephen for sending her to Exile. So going by that vote, you’d think the final four is Stephen, JT, Coach, and Deb. However, I think Stephen and JT were smart enough to tell Erinn and Taj, “Look, vote for whoever you want. We’ll let Coach and Deb vote with us to make them think they’re with us so we can blindside them at the next Tribal Council.” In fact, I’m positive that’s Stephen and JT’s strategy. Your final four is going to be Stephen, JT, Taj, and Erinn. Last nights vote out of Sierra was completely strategic on Stephen and JT’s part to let Coach and Deb continue to think they’re headed to the final four. I’m a genius, really.

“Heidi and Spencer”

-Amazing these two are getting their own “feature” in my column. So the marriage took place last weekend, and of course, Lauren showed up even though she denied she would for weeks leading up to it. Ummmm, this wedding episode is going to be this seasons finale. Lauren is leaving the show this season. Do we honestly think she wasn’t going to be a part of the major storyline in her last episode on the show? Probably the best news to come out of all this is that the show has been picked up for more episodes in the fall, with Brody, Audrina, Lo, Heidi, and Spencer being the focus now. Also, Kristin Cavallari was at the wedding and basically is going to come back to the show “replacing” Lauren. Awesome. So how’s that “other” career outside of “reality TV” working for you, Kristin? Or did MTV put an offer out you just couldn’t refuse? Kristin Cavallari returning to this MTV crap is hilarious on so many levels. Especially after she left “Laguna Beach” essentially vowing she was headed for bigger and better things in Hollywood and would never resort to coming back to such a show. Uh huh. Sure you wouldn’t. Everyone’s got a price, honey.

-Heidi is going to be on the cover of “Playboy” for their July/August issue and get a full spread inside. The only thing is, this is going to be one of those “tastefully” done shots and both of her lady parts will be covered up. Booooooooooooooo. So you’re doing “Playboy”, yet you’re going to cover yourself up? What the hell kind of B.S. is that? Why is “Playboy” even allowing this garbage? I hope their paying her like $100 for this spread. Here’s a rule I live by in life: If you’re gonna do “Playboy”, show us the goodies. No matter how fake they are. This just doesn’t make any sense. Especially when she paid top dollar for those implants. Say what you want about Heidi as a person, but her cans are pretty fabulous. These two are sucking every possible minute out of their 15 minutes. Especially more so since they’ve been officially cast now for “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” airing this summer on NBC. God help us all. Hopefully that will be the beginning of the end of their marriage and by the finale of the “Hills” airing in the fall, they’ll be seeing a divorce lawyer.

“Bachelor” Castaway Weekend in Vegas

-In case you didn’t hear, Jesse Csincsak arranged for a weekend in Vegas for all former contestants on the show who were booted off. From what I hear, no “stars” of the show were technically supposed to be there. Meaning, if you were ever one of the “Bachelors” or “Bachelorettes”, you weren’t invited. This was only for people who were booted off. Which is pretty ironic since, well, Jesse was never booted off. He was chosen as the final one in DeAnna’s season, so technically, he shouldn’t have been at his own event. Bygones I guess. So needless to say, apparently it got a little tense when not only did DeAnna show up, she showed up with Holly in tow. So his ex-fiancee and most recent ex-girlfriend are now BFF’s. What does Jesse think of it? Skip ahead to 1:26 of the video for his answer:

-There are plenty of pictures on facebook pages, or www.jessecsincsak.com if you want to look at who went, who looked like they hooked up, and who looked best in a bikini. Was I invited? Indirectly. Did I go? No. I’m sure all these people would’ve acted like saints around me knowing I’d be blabbing about everything I saw if I did go. But from what I’ve gathered in conversing with a few people, there really wasn’t any earth shattering news to come out of the weekend. The Holly/DeAnna BFF thing is probably the most scandalous to report, but that pretty much only affects Jesse. And what should he really care since he had some playmate on his arm all weekend. As for other hookups, I’m sure there were plenty. I just don’t know details and exactly who was with who. I’ve heard things, but nothing major.

“The Bachelorette”

-So do I spoil who one of the final four guys is, or do I wait? I think I’ll wait a little bit on this one, but just know one of the final four guys is definitely NOT there because he wants a relationship with Jillian. I know, crazy huh? Someone actually going on the show to further their career. Amazing. Mark my word. You’ll probably understand why once the show starts. Also, if any of you follow Chris Harrison on Twitter, you’ll notice he twittered, or tweeted, or whatever the hell you call it, last night about the show. Here’s what he wrote:

“Jilli isn’t as crazy as she thinks she is. I need a charcoal shirt.”

Do with that what you will. I don’t really know what it means. Could have a few different meanings if you ask me. So if all of you want to bug him and reply back, be my guest. Not my job to question the almighty Chris Harrison. It’s Chris Harrison’s world, he’s just letting us all live in it.

Ok, I’m tired. I know I said I’d get to “The Hills”, and the “Duel 2″, and the “Cougar”, but I want to go to bed. Long day tomorrow and Maddie is calling for me. I think. Anyway, any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, queries, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.

Administrator Reality Roundup

Before we get started, I wanted to personally thank the CAP Center of Dallas (Child Abuse Prevention) for putting on a hell of an event last Saturday. It was great to be a part of, it seemed to me that a hell of a lot of money was raised, and whoever outbid me at the silent auction for the golf package, well, you are not my friend anymore. I wanted that thing. Also, I want to give a quick shout out to Miss Texas 2008, Rebecca Robinson, who couldn’t have been a bigger help throughout the night. Of course, it kinda worked against me since everyone tipped her and not me, but hey, it’s all for a good cause right? I mean seriously, who would you tip? Reality Steve, or, the blonde hottie who competed in the Miss USA pageant this year and speaks four languages? C’mon, that’s a no-brainer. Reality Steve in a landslide. Nonetheless, a very entertaining night all around and a great night helping out a very worthy cause. Of course, it would’ve even been a more eventful, for me personally, if one man in particular would’ve made his appearance.

Come to find out on Saturday that one of the head honchos at the CAP Center, whose name is completely escaping me right now and who’s not listed on their website, is actually the uncle of Chris Harrison. Host Chris has actually been an attendee at this gala in past years but, ummmm, due to the fact he’s currently filming Jillian’s season of the “Bachelorette”, apparently he couldn’t put that aside for one night and make an appearance. Probably a good thing. I’m guessing I would’ve been all up in Host Chris’ business pretty much the whole night if he was there. The funny thing is, former Dallas Cowboy running back and current FOX NFL analyst Daryl Johnston and his wife were there, yet, I didn’t take two seconds to talk to him. Yet if Chris Harrison were there, I would’ve been in his grill all night. So Chris, I accept your apology for not showing up. Maybe next year.

I’m a little behind on shows this week, so there’ll be no “Celebrity Apprentice”, or “The Cougar” recaps. I do have a few things to discuss regarding “DWTS”, “American Idol’s” results show, “Survivor”, “The Hills”, “RW/RR Challenge: The Duel 2″, plus what’s upcoming in reality TV this summer and next fall. Lets get started.

“Dancing With the Stars”

-Could they have made a bigger deal out of the costumes designed by the contestants this week? I thought these were supposed to be humorous or revealing? They were neither. Pretty boring if you ask me. I guess they needed something to tease for the upcoming week since the show is becoming pretty predictable in terms of who’s going home. The next two to leave will obviously Chuck, and Ty, not necessarily in that order. Then when we’re down to the final four, the competition really begins. I could honestly see any one of those four winning it, and I really wouldn’t have a problem either way. However, I think it’ll end up being between Melissa and Naked Guy. I don’t think Lil’ Kim has the fan base to keep her in the show, and something just tells me a 17 year old won’t win it. But hey, I’ve been wrong before. Look at my “Idol” predictions from this week. Blech.

-The pre-package videos before the contestants perform are usually pretty decent. Sometimes they’re over-the-top corny, but for the most part, they’re ok. It allows the viewers to see each contestant in a different light. However, one thing that’s always bothered me in television has been cross promotion. So last week, Bruno tells Melissa he wants to see more of her “maneater” side. In an effort to do that, Tony takes her this week to visit the set of Wisteria Lane of “Desperate Housewives”. Really? They do understand that’s a TV show right? They do realize Wisteria Lane is make believe, correct? That was nothing but cross promotion there. I’m expected to believe Melissa’s “maneater” side came out because she got to walk around Teri Hatcher’s fake house on the show? Please. They must think they’re audience is a bunch of idiots. So corny.

-How dare the “DWTS” producers take my favorite slow song of all time, “Open Arms” by Journey, and have the least interesting celebrity on the show dance to it. Once again, from the time LT is walking down the steps til the time he was eliminated, the guy just look defeated and didn’t want to be there. He even admitted afterwards he was glad to go home. Really? Then if you were that glad, how about giving back some of the coin you collected while on the show? Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, LT. For a while there, you’d pretty much become a laughingstock once your football career had ended. Showing up as a drug counselor in “The Waterboy”, wrestling Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania a while back, and entering drug rehab along with having income tax problems. So while we appreciate the effort you put out on the show, you could’ve showed that you cared a little bit more. Smiling is allowed on the show, you know. In fact, its encouraged.

-Remember a couple weeks ago I asked how big in the country music world Chuck Wicks was since I had no idea? Well, ummmm, it’s fair to say I got my answer this week. Tell me I misread my TV screen when it had Chuck performing at the, get this, “Sticks Country Music Festival” in Waverly, Alabama. Whoa. You’ve hit the big time, Chuckie. Waverly, Alabama? What’s next? Uhhhh, somewhere else in Alabama? I’m guessing Tim McGraw has never done the “Sticks Country Music Festival”. Neither has Carrie Underwood. Or Faith Hill. Or Shania Twain. Or Taylor Swift. Yep, those are about the only five country music singers I know. Oh yeah, and the dude with the black hat on “Celebrity Apprentice”. Him too. Now, I might be going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing there’s a lot of cousin loving going on in Waverly, Alabama. Just a hunch. Hey, if you’re from Waverly and you’re reading this now, God bless you. I appreciate the interest. But c’mon, did you honestly expect me not to drop an inbreeding joke in there when I see Chuck Wicks performing in front of tens of people at some county fair? The last podunk fair like that I saw, Jessica Simpson was wearing her mom jeans and looking about 40 lbs overweight. To steal from Jeff Foxworthy for a moment: If you’ve ever performed in Waverly, Alabama, at a chili cook-off, or at a chili cook-off IN Waverly, Alabama, you might be a redneck.

“American Idol” Results Show”

-I’m not sure what to think of the fact that we learned on Wednesday Matt Giraud downloaded one of his own songs as his ring tone. On one hand, he obviously is excited he’s got some songs on itunes and this whole thing is new to him (Well, kind of since he actually put out an album a few years ago). On the other hand, I’m guessing Justin Timberlake doesn’t have “Sexy Back” blaring every time someone calls him. So Matt, you probably want to lose the personal ring tone. Kinda gay. Is having the CTU ring tone from “24″ worse? I don’t think so. And hey, I only had that for a week or so. After that I figured, “That’s lame to have that as my ringtone. I’d much rather incorporate ‘24′ into my personalized license plates.” Yep, that’s me.

-We’ve talked on numerous occasions about the group performances this season and how awful they were. Well, up until this week, at least those performances were PARTIALLY sung live. They would lay down a track before hand then sing portions live over it. This week? Nuh uh. Completely lip synched. The worst part of it was all the contestants had that wrap around microphone that all the dancers wear when they sing, even though they were all lip synching. So ridiculous. As for Paula’s choreography, it’s no different than Karina teaching Steve Wozniak the Tango. Give her six days or six months, and it’s still gonna look like crap. Are these kids better dancers than the Woz? Yes, but not by much. A lot of awkward gyrations up there. I was half expecting Paula to digitally include MC Skat Kat in their performance. I understand that 20 years ago, Paula Abdul was relevant. And I understand she’s choreographed some great dance numbers over the years. But I will always remember Paula as the one who danced around with a computerized cat in her “Opposites Attract” video. Embarrassing. Then got Arsenio Hall to make a cameo in “Straight Up”, along with Keanu Reeves of all people to be in her “Rush, Rush” video.

-Times are tough nowadays for KC from KC and the Sunshine Band, huh? When was the last time he performed “Get Down Tonight”, 25 years ago? My god, that was awful. It sounded like he’d forgotten the lyrics. Or how to sing. Man, that was painful to listen to. I know it was a disco theme on Tuesday, but could we have gotten someone under the age of 60 to perform Wednesday night? I thought of few of those people were gonna need walkers while singing. That was really awkward to watch. It’s almost like when Bette Midler came back for the finale a few years back to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” and it sounded nothing like the original. One of the biggest butcher jobs to a popular song in recent memory. That easily might’ve been the worst performance ever on an “Idol” stage.

-Ahhhhh, David Archuleta. How cute. Has he hit puberty yet? I said it last year, and I’ll say it again. Can he sing? I guess. But that kid has ZERO star quality and zero stage presence. Did you watch that performance Wednesday? How awkward does he look at a headline performer? You watch David Cook rock “Saturday Night Live” and headline all these cities across America, and then you see Archuleta last night and realize he’ll never be more than an opening act. Opening for Demi Lovato? Isn’t she 10? For all the Archuleta lovers out there who said he should’ve won last season, look no further at their careers now. I can see any male or female between the ages of 15-49 purchasing a ticket to see David Cook in concert. He reaches a pretty wide audience. There isn’t a male alive over the age of 17 that would pay to see David Archuleta headline a concert. And if you do, well, you’re not heterosexual, put it that way.

-Uh oh. We’ve got our first “trouble in paradise” story on “Idol”. Well, that’s if you choose to believe the “National Enquirer”, and who doesn’t? They’re reporting this week that Adam and Kris hate each other. Why? Here’s how they tell tell it:

“Adam is gay and a very flamboyant guy from L.A., while Kris is a conservative married man from a small Arkansas town.”

Well gee, I’m sold. They must thrown down every night because of that. Maybe they have conflicting views on the opposite sex, but I can’t imagine with all the interaction that the contestants have with each other, that there’d be such hatred between them. However, all the “National Enquirer” had to do was float this rumor out there and you can bet your ass I will be watching every single interaction between those two the rest of the season. I still have some old episodes tivo’ed. Maybe I’ll check it out and report back to you on Wednesday. So Kris doesn’t like gays? That’s basically what this article is calling him out for? Outstanding piece of journalism on the “National Enquirers” end. They should win the Pulitzer Prize this year.

“Survivor”

-Great episode last night. Yet another blindside. It seems like more and more in recent seasons, with so many people who go on the show being very knowledgable about past seasons, everyone is looking to blindside people at tribal council. And that’s a good thing. Sometimes, it’s the only way you can get rid of certain people. Hell, look at what I wrote last week about “Survivor” and by golly if it doesn’t look like this is exactly how it’s gonna play out now. Here’s what I wrote:

So I guess we’re looking at a Coach, Tyson, JT, Stephen final four based on last night’s events. Well, at least that’s what they want us to believe. Usually never works out that way though. Especially since Timbira decided to pick off one of their own last night. They still have the numbers at 5-3, but something tells me it won’t be smooth sailing to the end. There’s going to be a shakeup at some point down the line. I can see Timbira turning on Coach and Tyson because of the annoying factor, and the remaining Jalapao members (JT, Stephen, and Taj), aligning with Sierra and Erin or that other blonde chick to vote out Coach and Tyson. Tyson is the biggest physical threat right now, so I don’t know why they wouldn’t go after him. Even though Jalapao is outnumbered, they could control the game if they wanted to. They would just need Erin and/or Sierra to come to their side, which shouldn’t be too hard.

I’d say that’s pretty accurate. Now Coach and Debbie are on the outside looking in, whereas a week ago, they were in control of the game along with Tyson. The editing for the first 45 minutes of the show was so heavily towards Sierra getting eliminated, that when they first showed us Stephen and JT conspiring to get rid of Tyson, you kinda figured it would happen. Not only was it the right thing to do, it was the smart thing to do. You figure Coach and Debbie are gone now in the coming weeks, and Erinn and Sierra have no chance to win over any jury. So that leaves it as a game between JT, Stephen, and Taj. I think they’re doing a final two this season, so if we get a JT/Stephen final, I’m guessing that’ll be a 4-3, and I’m not quite sure who would win that. Both of them have played great games. JT has been more physical, but has pulled off some critical game playing maneuvers, and Stephen has been one of the smarter players all season.

-Isn’t it like clockwork on this show that when one alliance starts getting cocky and sitting out challenges that eventually they’ll get voted off? Seems to happen all the time. Why would you possibly do that in a show like this? Even if you think you’re in control of this game, hell, even if you KNOW you’re in control of this game, you can’t let other people see it. If Coach and Tyson didn’t walk around camp beating their chests, then Stephen and JT wouldn’t have turned on them. The funny thing is, even though there was a blindside last night, that still doesn’t guarantee a JT & Stephen alliance carrying it to the end. I mean, it definitely could, but there’s no guarantee. What if Coach and Debbie somehow convince Sierra and Erinn to come back to Timbira? Then they can pick off Stephen, JT, and Taj, and there’s your final four. I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen, but it could. I have a feeling we’ll have a final four now of Stephen, JT, Taj, and either Erinn or Sierra. I’ll go with Sierra just for the sole reason the show has madder her out to be an underdog all season long so maybe they’re setting us up for something.

“The Hills”

-Tomorrow in Pasadena, Heidi and Spencer are getting married “for real” this time and it’ll be shown in the finale. I’m so happy for them. When two people love and respect each other as much as those two do, you can’t help but cheer for a strong bond to carry them through until they die. I think it’s safe to say there’s not a chance in hell those two stay married more than a year or two. Kinda makes this whole “let’s go see the fake therapist” storyline kinda dumb right now, doesn’t it? Not only are they getting married, but come to find out they’ll be on yet another reality show airing this summer. More on that later. I just wish these two would come out and admit their relationship is a fraud, it’s only being done for the cameras, and just be done with the whole thing. Oops. Then that would ruin the “Hills” series since Lauren and Audrina are gone next season and it looks like the series will be about Spencer and Heidi. God help us all.

-When did Brody Jenner’s girlfriend become ugly? She looked all jacked up when they were at the club in Monday’s episode and MTV was pushing the fake “Brody and Audrina are gonna hook up” storyline on us. Please. Even though Jayde, or whatever stripper name she has, did look kinda fugly the other night, there’s not a chance in hell Brody would cheat on her with the fembot, Audrina. No way. Even he’s not that dumb. Well, he did agree to do “Bromance”, so maybe I’m giving him too much credit. Just more manufactured B.S. to keep the season interesting. Once again, this season has nothing to do with Lauren and everything to do with people around her. It’s amazing its even lasted five seasons considering the little intrigue the show has.

“RW/RR Challenge: The Duel 2″

-One thing I realized while watching this week and seeing Brittini and Amanda competing was that how in the world can they possibly cast a “Duel 2″ and not have that crazy ass Joey from “RW: Hollywood” on it? That guy is television gold. I don’t know, maybe he’s less interesting if he’s sober, but whatever happened with that? Has he fallen off the wagon? Does he still go around talking like Macho Man Randy Savage? Does he still douche-out his hair? Is he still a belligerent drunk that throws things around when he’s bombed? I need an update on that guy. By far one of the weirder people they’ve ever cast on that show, which makes him a prime candidate for one of the Challenges, right? For his sake, I hope he’s stayed sober. But for TV’s sake, I hope he’s not. If that made any sense. Just someone get me an update on that psycho, cross eyed, steroid monster. Wait, forget it. I just found him. www.joeykovar.com. Oh lord. What a douche. For only $29.95, you can join his fan club and get “exclusive access to never before seen videos and photos, weekly text and video blogs, nutrition and fitness journals, exclusive latest news and local appearances, workout videos, and you will receive an 8 x 10 autographed photo of Joey.” Really? Well damn, here’s my credit card number. Sign me up ten times, please.

-Did I see in the previews for next week that we’re going to have some lesbian action? Outstanding. Whoever would’ve thought it would include that nymph Jen with the painted on eyebrows from “RW: Denver”? Shocking really. I only say that because, well, I believe she banged every guy in Colorado when she was on the show. Or tried to. Always find the classy chicks for the “Real World”, don’t they? You know what else I was surprised to hear? That MJ is married now with a kid. Did he consult Landon on this? Or is it their kid? Talk about a bromance. Has there ever been two guys that fell in love with each other on the show more than MJ and Brandon during “RW: Philly”? Didn’t think so. I hope they raise that kid of theirs properly.

-Who has a better job in the world right now than TJ Lavin? I’d say all the kiddies competing on these challenges, but they actually have to do some work. TJ just gets to take a couple months vacation twice a year, tell everyone what city they’re in before each challenge so they can clap (I’ve never understood that part), and basically has about as much TV hosting skills as I do. Zero emotion. He’s like the Jesse James of reality TV hosting. And he’s a professional BMX rider in his spare time? Wow. Must be a hell of a demanding job if you get 6 months vacation a year. And just think, the other six months are spent riding a bike around doing wheelies. Needless to say, I’m jealous of TJ Lavin. I wonder if when all these kids were in New Zealand they dropped by the “Bachelor” set during the overnight dates and hung out with Jason, Melissa, Molly, and Jillian?

“I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”

-NBC decided to pick up this cancelled ABC show from about 5 years back and revive it because, well, who doesn’t want to see this? Ten “celebrities” dropped in the middle of the jungle, somewhat “Survivor” style, but this one I believe is voted on by the public about what challenges they have to perform in. The cast officially gets announced later today, but those confirmed already are: Spencer and Heidi (of course), Janice Dickinson, Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman, and Sanjaya. Wow. Could we possibly scrape at the bottom of the reality show barrel any more? This starts on June 1st and I can’t tell you how uninterested I am. Sure, I’ll watch the first episode to see if any crazed lions decide to maul Spencer or Heidi, but other than that, I think I’m good. This is going to be awful.

“Superstars”

-Also being revived, because Hollywood is so original nowadays, is the “Superstars” competition that pits a current world class athlete with a TV “celebrity” to compete in athletic challenges every week until there’s only one team left. The eight teams are:

Terrell Owens & Joanna Krupa
Jeff Kent & Ali Landry
Robert Horry & Estella Warren
Bode Miller & Paige Hemmis
Kristi Leskinen & Maksim Chmerkovskiy
Lisa Leslie & Dan Cortese
Jennifer Capriati & David Charvet
Brandi Chastain & Julio Iglesias, Jr.

Whoa. Did someone tell Maksim he’ll actually have to be wearing a shirt for these competitions? How did he agree to that? Looks like he’s all excited for his upcoming nuptials with Karina now that he’s going off doing this. Now this is a show I’ll be watching, no doubt. If for the sole reason that Ali Landry is involved. The only way it could’ve been better is if they stuck Ali with ex-husband Mario Lopez. I think America would’ve been glued to the TV watching them awkwardly discuss their two week marriage because Mario couldn’t keep it in his pants. Awesome. Nice one, Mario.

That’s it for this week. We are very close to launching the RealitySteve.com merchandise store. Still finalizing a few things, but I hope to have it up and running by the start of the “Bachelorette” on May 18th. So far, we have three different designs that I hope you like. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, queries, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.

Administrator Reality Roundup

A lot to get to this week as we’re adding a few new shows to the mix. Along with “DWTS”, “American Idol” results show, “Celebrity Apprentice”, and “Survivor”, I’m also completely caught up on the “Hills”, and “RW/RR Challenge: The Duel 2″. I also have a few thoughts on the “Cougar” (the craptastic Mike Fleiss creation to hold us over til “The Bachelorette” starts), plus, those nuggets I’ve been promising you about this season of the “Bachelorette”.

As you know, we are adding new sponsors to the website on a continual basis. In case you haven’t checked out “Hollywood Secrets”, it was just featured recently on the “Today” show, as well as in numerous magazines. Since I’m a dude, I can’t really use the stuff, but those who have bought it swear by the stuff. I would never throw junk up on the site, so if it’s here, you know I think it’s a good product. We are about a month away from the start of the “Bachelorette”, and as I said before, I hope to have all merchandise set and ready to go by then. It’s a more difficult process than I thought, but I think we’re on track. So stay tuned.

“Dancing with the Stars”

-This show has been on, what, eight seasons now? Why all the sudden is that theme song following me around all day in my head? That’s a catchy ass song. You know when I think of it the most? Every time I’m walking down a flight of steps. I feel like I’m in a lace shirt, half unbuttoned, and I’m walking down the steps with some hottie on my arm. I know, I’m weird. I never claimed I wasn’t. But damn that song is addicting. Maybe I’ll get it as my ringtone. The key to any reality show is a catchy theme song. “Idols” isn’t really something you can hum along to. I’m surprised there’s isn’t better. I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s recognizable within a millisecond, its just not something you can hum along. “Survivor”? Without a doubt. “DWTS”? Of course. “The Hills”? Sh**, I think I still have that song on my ipod. You know, because I had to download it for a 14 year old girl and I just haven’t had the time to delete it yet. I’ll get around to it.

-Hey, I don’t know if any of you are aware of this since I don’t think they’ve mentioned it, but did you know Shawn Johnson is 17 years old? Yeah, really. She’s also the youngest competitor they’ve ever had. Seriously. Crazy, huh? This whole time I figured she was in her late 20’s and divorced with kids. Look, we get it. We know Shawn is young. Does there have to be a reference to it every single week? This week it was re-creating her prom. Before it was how it’s tough for her to look serious because she’s still in high school. What’s next? I’d really like to cross the line here with a comment, but I’m afraid mothers of teenage girls around the world will crucify me for being a perv. Ok, fine. I’ll wait til later in the column when I talk about Miley Cyrus. You’re safe for now, Shawn.

-This show has always been about C & D list celebrities that you’ve either never heard of, or haven’t heard from in years, and basically coming on the show to rehabilitate their image, or, show themselves in a better light than what’s been perceived of them. There hasn’t been a better example of that this season than Lil’ Kim. I think most adults watching this show had never heard of this female rapper who was in the clink for a year for lying to a federal grand jury. What else you might not know is that she was one of the filthiest female rappers on the planet during her prime. Don’t believe me? She collaborated with 50 Cent on a song called “Magic Stick” a few years back (of course it’s on my ipod), that’s one of the all time greats. Think Lil’ Kim is Ms. Sweet and Innocent on the show? Check out some of her lyrics from “Magic Stick”.

“When it comes to sex, don’t test my skills
Cuz my head game have you head over heels,
And I aint out shoppin’ spendin’ dudes C-notes
I’m in the crib givin n****s deep throat

Nice. Very classy, Kim. I’m sure your parents are proud. I could go on but you get the picture. Steve-O is no saint either, but I think Lil’ Kim and Master P are probably two of the odder casting choices they’ve ever made in terms of their target audience.

-Am I really supposed to believe that Chuck and Julianne’s first date was at the Santa Monica Pier? Really? Are they in high school or something? If you’re over the age of thirteen and your first date is at the Santa Monica Pier, something is wrong with you. These two couldn’t have dinner at Koi? Maybe hit up Ketchup or Le Deux for a first dinner? No, they’d rather spend their first date with teenie boppers eating cotton candy, riding ferris wheels, and watching 8th graders make out behind the churro stand. Something tells me Chuck and Julianne aren’t going to last in the long run. Especially considering I got my question answered last week about how popular he is in the country music world. Basically he’s a novice and a complete non-factor. You know what that means? The “My-wife-is-more-popular-and-makes-more-than-me” syndrome will hit these two like a ton of bricks and they’ll be done. Hey, if it can happen to Chad Lowe, it can happen to Chuck Wicks.

-I want to thank the “DWTS” costume department for taking the week off and letting Lacey dance in her bra and panties this week. Appreciate it. And now next week, the pro dancers costumes will all be designed by their partners. Oh, this should be a knee slapper. Such fun and hijinx on this show, I don’t know if I’ll be able to contain my laughter. Cheap stunt to get people talking, when in reality, I’m guessing the costumes won’t be nearly as awful as they’re making them out to be.

-I know a lot of you fast forward through Wednesday’s results show. Hell, I usually do too. Well, I watch the musical performance for about 20-30 seconds and if I like what I see, I’ll continue to watch it. Anyway, for those that missed it, I must commend this weeks act. Did you see Tony and Julianne’s routine while Rascal Flatts was singing? Holy crap. Best routine I’ve ever seen in the history of this show. I know nothing about dancing and even I know that had to be about as difficult a routine as you could get. I swear Tony picked her up off her feet twenty different times during the performance. Spinning her around, throwing her in the air, holding her above his head, etc. Yes, I know she weighs about 75 lbs soaking wet, but still. I wonder if that performance is on You Tube? Let me check. Yep, here it is:

“American Idol” Results Show

-So yeah, uhhhhh, first week I was way off in my predictions. Only had one of the bottom three, and the person I had going home wasn’t even in there. Oops. Hey, I’m allowed at least one bad week, right? Once again, this is another show that I usually fast forward through. But since “Lost” and this were both on at the same time and I was eating, I figured I’d just watch this one live and actually give the results show a viewing from beginning to end. So this is actually the first time I watched the group performance all the way through. Usually my ears start bleeding after ten seconds, and I fast forward. So I gotta say, after watching it all the way through for the first time, I’ve been terribly mistaken this whole time. That group performance is 100 times worse than I ever said it was.

-So Zac Efron was in the audience promoting his movie “17 Again”. Seriously, how many times has that movie concept been done? I remember “Like Father, Like Son” with Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore when I was growing up. Then there was “Vice Versa” with Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage. “18 Again” had George Burns in it where he switched bodies with his grandson. On the female side, there was “Freaky Friday” with a pre-coked out Lindsay Lohan and the hermaphrodite Jamie Lee Curtis. Then “All of Me” had Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin. I think you get my point. Is this THAT funny of a concept to make the movie 6 DIFFERENT TIMES! Geesh. Hollywood is so unoriginal, it’s pathetic. And much more so nowadays than it used to be. Everything now is a remake of a TV show, a remake of a movie, a prequel, or a comedy written by Judd Apatow starring one or more of the following people: Seth Rogen, Bill Hader, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, or Paul Rudd. Hey, not saying those movies aren’t funny because they are, but when one is released every two weeks, doesn’t the law of diminishing returns set in?

-I watched Miley Cyrus’ performance. All I’m gonna say is this: Now before you get all huffy and start accusing me of being a pedophile, actually take the time to read what I say. I’m saying IF I was a teenage boy right now, there’s something about her that would do it for me. Yes, I know she’s got chipmunk face going on, and she’s also very gummy, but it’s almost like you’re projecting out what she’ll, ummmmm, develop into. Cute girl. Am I going to jail for saying that? It’s actually one teen girl that I would really like to not see crash and burn. Seems like she has a much more solid family upbringing than Britney and all the other teenage trainwrecks. Sure, I bet she’ll do a few risqué “Maxim” magazine covers in a few years, and the content of her songs will start getting a little edgier, but just know I’m rooting for her not to completely go wheels off and become a drug addicted psychopath.

-I’m definitely glad the judges decided to save Matt Giraud. Not because he has a chance to win, because he doesn’t, but just we can stop this huddling nonsense the judges do during the booted off one’s final performance. So hokey. I think it was fairly obvious they were going to save Matt too. I mean, next week would’ve been the last week they could use it anyway, so if they didn’t use it this week, I think it would’ve been anti-climactic if they would’ve used it next week. And with Paula and Kara both dancing and loving on Matt the whole performance, I just thought that would’ve been weird to essentially say, “We love you, we loved your performance, but see ya.”

-Disco week is always interesting since all these songs are before the kids times and its usually week that gets butchered. I don’t know what songs any of them are singing, but wouldn’t “Stayin’ Alive” fit Adam perfectly? Especially the long drawn out part of the “Stayin’ Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive” chorus where he can start doing his squealing again. “Oh Reality Steve, you just hate Adam. He is the best and he’s gonna win. I can’t believe you don’t see that.” Once again, for everyone that thinks I hate Adam and don’t want to see him win, let me refresh your memory and bring you back to the first “American Idol” column I wrote this season. I said I expected him to be in the final two, I said I didn’t think he’d win, but if he did, I’d have absolutely no problem with it. So where in there does it say I hate Adam and don’t appreciate good talent. Adam is the most original and unique contestant they’ve ever had on this show. Period. And I don’t think its close. Is he for everybody? No, he’s not. But it doesn’t mean he’s not good. So just because I say his performance didn’t do anything for me, or I wish he would stop squealing, doesn’t change the bottom line of what I think about him. But by being the most talented and original contestant they’ve had, also doesn’t mean anything in terms of winning. It’s almost better for his career if he doesn’t win this thing. Danny Gokey is tailor-made to win a competition like this. Good underdog backstory, appeals to a wider range of people, and will be able to put out a good album under “Idols” label. Adam doesn’t sing the type of music that “Idol” would eventually have a hand in producing for his first album. So Adam fans, trust me, you don’t want him winning this thing. Let Gokey win it. He’s more bubble gum pop and marketable to the “Idol” audience than Adam is.

-I want to briefly mention this internet craze right now of Susan Boyle, the homely 47 year old British woman who’s “Britain’s Got Talent” You Tube audition video has made her an overnight star. Can we please back away from the lovefest for her? I mean seriously. You do understand why everyone is going nuts about her, right? It’s because she’s unattractive and awkward. Does she have a good voice? Yes. But you put that voice on anyone more attractive and less awkward than her (and there are plenty of them around), and that person wouldn’t get nearly the attention she’s getting. America is essentially jumping on her singing ability because of the way she looks. It was “unexpected”. If you watch the buildup on the audition video, they’re setting her up to be made fun of, then when she sings, the voice that comes out of that body and demeanor is completely unexpected. Great. But I’m baffled as to the attention its getting. You can hear that voice at any Macaroni Grill by those opera singing waiters and waitresses. I’m not joking. Good voice, no doubt. But lets not act like we’ve never anyone sing like that before. 13 million You Tube views? Really?

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-Yet another episode goes by and yet another team is up against the clock again trying to complete something for their task. Uh huh. Sure they were. How come every single week no team ever has anything ready on time, or even with time to spare? Someone is always running down the street at the last minute, or in a cab trying to get somewhere in “x” amount of time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m sure that’s all done for storyline. Has to be since it happens every single episode. If there was no tension and no drama, then no one would care about the show.

-Who decided Life Lock would be a fun and interesting sponsor for this show? That had to be one of the more boring tasks ever in this shows history. I thought it was weird that it was a 2 hour show, yet, they were done in the boardroom 1 hour and 15 minutes in and they immediately started to work on their next task. It was almost like after filming they realized, “Wow. What a boring task. There’s nothing we can do to drag this thing out for 2 hours. So let’s just basically throw up the white flag on this one, we’ll barely give it an hour, then we’ll just jump to the next one.” Did you see during one of the commercial breaks who was endorsing Life Lock? Carolyn Kepcher. The former Trump employee who was in the boardroom with him for the first few seasons. Remember she left because she kinda wanted to expand her career? Uhhhh, what exactly has she done since? I know she wrote a book. Have no idea how well it did, but I’m guessing it was mediocre. Nice career move, Carolyn.

-The more I watch this show, the more I’m completely confused by Sandra Bullock and her taste in men. Does Jesse James have any other emotion in his body other than the one we’ve seen every single episode so far? Sometimes I think they need to break out the paddles and pump some life into him. What a boring, uninspiring, guy. Yet he pulled Sandra Bullock. Explain that one. He’s a different, different guy. I’ve never quite seen anyone that unemotional about anything and everything that goes on around him. You can be low-key and all, but he’s taking it to a completely different level. Whatever floats your boat, buddy. The guy just puts me to sleep.

-Have Melissa Rivers and Carly Simon ever been seen in the same room together at the same time? Didn’t think so. They are strikingly similar in the whole jaw region. And its good to see that Piers Morgan makes a return this week. Always liked that guy. He single handedly made last season worth watching. Maybe when he’s on he can gush to us more about Susan Boyle and how fabulous she is. I mean, I hate to be the party pooper here, but I just can’t grasp the fascination with her. So just because she looks like someone who could live down the street from you and talks to her cats all day long and can sing, that makes her this famous? They’re essentially glorifying the fact that she’s ugly and homely, yet masking it by praising her for her voice. Good thing is, I honestly don’t think she’ll make any sort of splash in the states. It’s pretty obvious she’ll end up winning “Britain’s Got Talent”, but then I think her career has got about a two week shelf life after that. Kinda like Jason and Molly.

“Survivor”

-I’d say last nights episode was one of the more entertaining in recent memory. Whether you like Coach or not, and I’m guessing most people (like myself) can’t stand the guy, but you gotta admit he’s turning into must see TV every week. WWCD. What Will Coach Do? “Survivor” has always been great in editing because they lead you to believe one thing, then spring something else on you. Or they only show you certain parts of conversations that certain people are having to make you think one way so that when a blindside happens, you don’t see it coming. Last night was played perfectly. You had Coach and Tyson’s alliance saying Brendan was gone, yet, you had Brendan’s exile alliance saying they were going to blindside Coach. You honestly didn’t know going in to Tribal Council which one was going to win out as a viewer. In fact, I’ll admit I was wrong. I thought Coach was gone. I thought the way they didn’t show the Exile alliance last week, set it up this week to where it was going to take control of the game. So good job in editing.

-Do I believe a word Coach says? Absolutely not. I think all of us know someone like Coach. Just a guy who has a rather high opinion of himself, is always exaggerating stories, and just is an all around good B.S.’er. That’s Coach. Even Probst knows he’s a liar as he talks about in his blog today. So I guess we’re looking at a Coach, Tyson, JT, Stephen final four based on last night’s events. Well, at least that’s what they want us to believe. Usually never works out that way though. Especially since Timbira decided to pick off one of their own last night. They still have the numbers at 5-3, but something tells me it won’t be smooth sailing to the end. There’s going to be a shakeup at some point down the line. I can see Timbira turning on Coach and Tyson because of the annoying factor, and the remaining Jalapao members (JT, Stephen, and Taj), aligning with Sierra and Erin or that other blonde chick to vote out Coach and Tyson. Tyson is the biggest physical threat right now, so I don’t know why they wouldn’t go after him. Even though Jalapao is outnumbered, they could control the game if they wanted to. They would just need Erin and/or Sierra to come to their side, which shouldn’t be too hard.

“The Hills”

-Isn’t it funny how “The Hills” is supposed to be this reality show which surrounds Lauren’s life, yet the two biggest things in her life (her clothing line and boyfriend Kyle Howard), aren’t part of it? She’s a fashion designer, we see her “work” at People’s Revolution, yet they never make mention of the fact she’s already her own overpriced and crappy clothing line. I understand this show has become a victim of its own success and they don’t want to show the side of these kids being followed by the paparazzi and what not, but then what’s the point of the show? And since all their storylines play out ahead of line in tabloid mags and internet sites, it makes it even worse. Heidi and Spencer are struggling in their relationship and want to see a counselor? Well great. Considering they’re filming they’re wedding to be aired in the season finale next weekend, what’s the point of watching them go through this fake counseling for the next few weeks when we know they’re together? Look, these questions are rhetorical. I’m not expecting answers. I’m just here to rip the show for being awful. Which makes me look even worse since I watch it every week.

-Why does Kelly Coutrone’s hair always look greasy and like she hasn’t showered in a week? Has she ever gotten dressed up in her life? What a miserable person. I know she’s a fashion big wig, but please. Quit taking yourself so seriously. With that said, I loved the interview with Stephanie Pratt. What scripted drama that was. Stephanie’s completely underqualified to get that position, yet, you know she’ll get hired, she’ll screw up, Lauren will take the blame, it’ll create drama, Lauren and Stephanie will get in a fight, there’ll be crying, and it’ll all play out like the script says. Good times.

-So who’s this D-list actress they cast to play the role of “slutty bartender that tries to cause a rift in Heidi and Spencer’s relationship”? I bet she was thrilled when MTV came calling for that role. Oh wait, no, she’s just a random bartender who works in LA who has no idea who Spencer is, or that he has a girlfriend, or that a camera is in the bar filming them flirting. Do you see where I’m going with this? How ridiculous can you get? Spencer knows there’s a camera filming him, openly flirts with slutty bartender, then acts like he never did? Huh? Ummmmm, we all saw it Spencer. The script read for you to flirt with Ms Slut, ask her to dance on the table for you, make googly eyes at her, then when confronted on it, lie it ever happened. Great acting, really. You nailed that scene.

-You know what I was most looking forward to in the first episode this season during Lauren’s birthday party? To see if that douchenozzle that won “Bromance” would show up with Brody and Frankie and get any face time. Nope. Dude, I thought he and Brody were like, totally BFF’s now. Isn’t he supposed to follow Brody around everywhere and kiss his ass? God, what an absolutely degrading show for every male who appeared on it. I never got around to reviewing “Bromance” but yes, I saw every episode. It was truly the most pathetic display of male bonding I’ve ever seen. So the first chance this guy gets to appear with Brody in public on TV and they don’t let him? Hell, I haven’t even read anything on that since the show ended. I wondered if they’re still even friends or if Frankie got pissed and kicked the guys ass for sleeping with his lover? Ooooohhhh scandalous. They should make a show out of that love triangle.

“RW/RR Challenge: The Duel 2″

-Awesome. For the first time in about 10 seasons, I passed on the “Real World”. Didn’t see one episode of “RW: Brooklyn. With a Tranny.” Had them all tivo’ed, then got so backed up, I just decided to delete them. And I missed the last “RW/RR Challenge: The Island” too. I have no idea how that turned out. But this is seriously a franchise that should never die. They should do these until the end of time. I could watch this show over and over. The drinking, the sex, the backstabbing, the drama. Genius. And considering this is the only thing that these contestants have going on in their lives, I’m guessing they think the show should go on forever as well. I mean, you can never win enough T-Mobile sidekicks or Xbox 3’s, can you?

-I have a question. Who do you think is angrier: The Incredible Hulk or CT? I’m convinced now that they purposely cast CT on these shows just so he will punch someone in the face and eliminate himself. Has he ever lasted? I think the last two I’ve seen with him in it he’s gone by the first week because he’s a raging alcoholic. What an absolute zero that guy is. Dude, because you want to fight everyone when you’re drunk doesn’t mean you’re a bad ass. You might want to get help for that. Did I hear him say he wanted to eat Adam’s skull? Is that right? Nice one. Very level headed individual. Talk about a guy that has no chance at any sort of future. What company in their right mind would hire that guy?

-Funny how “popular” some of these people on the show can become. Take Evan for example. That guy is always front and center on these challenges and usually in the mix of everything going on, yet, if you ask most people who he is or where he came from, they probably wouldn’t be able to tell you. He was from the one season where they did the whole “Fans vs Favorites” thing. So this is a guy that was never on either the “Real World” or “Road Rules”, yet, he’s on the biggest players in the Challenge every season. Man, lucky him. He must be pretty fired up to own probably about 10 sets of Bose headphones. Those go a long way, I’m sure.

-I never watched the first “Duel” so I had no idea of the concept behind it. Essentially, it works like every other challenges works to where the weak and the rookies get eliminated early, and the cliques that stick together on all these shows last longer. So basically, it’s no different than any other season. What happened to Kenny? Why did they give him this Challenge off? He’s the most entertaining of all these people. It’s just amazing how much they’ve milked that franchise for every last buck. “Real World” is going to be on its 20th season? Or 19th? And next season is in Cancun. Talk about debauchery. Holy crap. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see our first death in the “Real World” history due to alcohol poisoning. I would’ve said our first STD, but I’m sure that’s already happened considering how they’ve all slept with each other at some point.

“The Cougar”

-I have it tivo’ed, but didn’t watch the first episode yet. Just know I will eventually and it’ll become a regular feature in this column. And since it is the creation of Mike Fleiss, I fully expect it to be awful. The thing that is so ridiculous about the concept and what I heard about the first episode is that all these 20-somethings that the cougar is after are all like models and bartenders. Is it far fetched to think that a hottie in her 40’s would date a guy in his 20’s nowadays? Of course not. But usually when you see that happen, the guy in his 20’s is usually already settled in a career? From what I heard, none of these guys are entrepreneurs by a long shot. So we expect a twice divorced cougar with four kids to start shacking up with some guy who takes body shots off underage girls for a living? I think I’d find it a little more believable if they didn’t cast such stereotypical, right-out-of-college, have-no-idea-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life guys. But I’ll definitely watch, no doubt.

“The Bachelorette”

-They are a few weeks into filming right now, and here’s what I can tell you. For the first time in the show’s history, the season will start with 30 men instead of 25. First elimination was 30 down to 20. After that, I believe the 2nd elimination brought it down to 17. Also, Jillian is looking a lot better than she did on the “Bachelor”, which was expected. They all decide to get themselves in shape and all dolled up once they realize the focus is on them. As for any spoilers, I don’t want to give anything major away just yet, but let’s just say that this season is playing right into form of past seasons. Things you’ve heard being done in previous seasons, manipulations, scheming, all will be in play this season. One of the dudes from Dallas got booted on the first night, I’m sure of that. As for other guys who could be a factor, I think I mentioned Mr Restaurant guy from San Diego Julian in a previous post. Ummmm, well, cross him off your list. Done. Already booted. That’s what I got so far. There’s one major thing I’m working on but I need a little more verification before I run with it. Hope this holds you over for now.

That’s it for this week. I will fill everyone in next week on how the event Saturday goes for the CAP Center. Any donations you want to make would be greatly appreciated, and I’m honored that I was asked to be a part of this. I’m sure it’ll be blast. Hey, with drinks and dancing, there’s a chance the dancing fool might bust out at the Palomar Saturday night. We’ll see. Also, give the “Hollywood Secrets” product a look. It’s really starting to take off. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, queries, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.

Administrator Reality Roundup

It’s been two weeks now since we’ve done this so there’s A LOT to cover. “DWTS”, “American Idol” results show, “Celebrity Apprentice”, “Survivor”, “The Hills”, and your emails. When I start referencing stuff that happened a couple weeks ago on “DWTS” or “Celebrity Apprentice”, don’t think you’re reading the wrong column but there’s some stuff that’s happened over the last couple weeks worth giving my opinion over. And what brilliant opinions they are. To start off, I’ll have you know that my computer and TV are working fine now. I realized how reliant on both I was on a daily basis when I was without them all day on Tuesday and I just sat around and watched paint dry. Took Maddie for like ten walks, went to the gym, took about a 2 hour lunch, went to the mall. Rough day I tell ya’. Good thing my dad was out of town and I was able to drive to his place to watch the shows and type the column. Let’s say I find a hobby shall we?

“Dancing with the Stars”

-Loved “DWTS” this week. Why? Cuz’ David Alan Grier cursed like a sailor when he found out he was in the bottom two. And if you’re a lip reader like myself, you know EXACTLY what he said. That was awesome. Even Host Tom didn’t mind bringing it up again and ribbing him for it, but man was David pissed. Half the time I don’t know if that guy is acting or serious, but it was obvious he was serious when he blurted out that f-bomb. Classic. Relax David. It’s a dancing show where you win a crystal ball. Plus, you already got your six figures for showing up to begin with. I doubt you’re hurting for money.

-Is it just me, or does Lawrence Taylor look like he just doesn’t want to be on the show? I understand he’s an intense competitor, but the guy never seems happy. He’s working hard, but let’s face it, he hasn’t really gotten better as a dancer. He’s probably going to be the next to go, and that’s a good thing. He really looks like he’s not having fun at all and wouldn’t mind packing his bags immediately so he can play more golf. I got a little nervous when LT called him the “Prince of Darkness” this past weekend. I thought LT was gonna go right through him like a sharp knife through butter. Half the stuff Bruno says you can’t understand anyway, but he was perfectly clear on that one. The Prince of Darkness? Really, Bruno? Couldn’t have avoided the double entendre there?

-I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I say Naked Guy has been the best dancer this season. First, because he didn’t have any dance training to begin with as far as we know. And secondly, because he’s gotten the best scores. So what do we attribute that to? I’d say its to the bitch of a teacher he has in Cheryl. They show plenty of the pro dancers getting frustrated from time to time with their partners, and you’ll get the occasional blow up here and there, but man, Cheryl is a dictator during those practice sessions. I guess her style of teaching works for them, but there’s obviously other ways to go about it. Frankly, she comes off as a narcisstic beyotch when she bosses him around the way she does. Can’t argue with the results, but when you look at the other pros and they way they teach, either Cheryl is just the most impatient woman on the planet, or she’s just playing it up for the cameras. Or she’s sexually frustrated. I’ll say a little of all three.

-Why does Ty always look petrified? Not even when he’s dancing either. Just in general. The guy has the same look on his face whether the judges are happy that he’s improving, or whether they’re telling him he has the flexibility of a 2 x 4. It’s that look that most kids give when they know they’re about to get in trouble for something they’ve done. And it’s amazing how in week one, he was awful. One of the worst dancers we’ve ever seen. Then over the course of the next few weeks, he actually got better up until last week, when he went back to being the worst dancer out there. How does he do that? Must take talent to suck that bad after looking like you were improving. He’s only got a few weeks left in this competition no doubt.

-I like how they introduce Melissa as “Bachelor Star, Melissa Rycroft”. I wonder how that makes Jason feel? Especially considering have we really heard a peep about Jason and Molly since maybe a week after the finale aired? Hey, accepting a deal to become the Bachelor and pretend to “change your mind” kinda worked out for him, didn’t it? So he took a week of bashing from the press. They’re already yesterdays news now so lets not act like it’s that much of a stretch that he agreed to comply with that ending. I certainly won’t and even more stuff I hear since the finale proves to me what I said all along was true. But like I said, its yesterdays news now, so no need to get into that again. Just know it was true.

-You know who Chuck Wicks looks like? A cross between Matt Leinart and C Thomas Howell. I know, random. But it’s true. If you go to one of those photo booths and stick Matt Leinart and C Thomas Howell in there together, it will spit out a picture of Chuck Wicks. Since I’m not much of a country music fan, I’ll ask this question out loud: Is Chuck Wicks a big name in the country music world? I’d never heard of the guy before the show started, which isn’t saying much, but still. How many albums has this guy put out? Does he have any pull in that industry or is he just a wannabe who’s fairly new to the scene?

-Has anyone else noticed Derek Hough’s favorite phrase of all time? I can guarantee you that every results show, and he’s been doing this for a while now, every time he and his partner have found out they’ve advanced, he says, “Yeah baby”. And even in those taped segments backstage when the two of them are in the “confession” room talking to the cameras, he usually says it once as well. Just something I picked up on. Watch for it next time. He says it ALL THE TIME.

-I noticed two weeks ago that after Cheryl and Naked Guy got their perfect score of 30, she was heard telling us that she had “never had so much chemistry dancing with someone before”. Really Cheryl? Might want to re-think that one. I believe back in season 3 you had a partner named Emmitt Smith that you had great chemistry with. I’d bet he say the same as well. And oh yeah, your dancing chemistry wasn’t bad either.

-How cool was it to see Boyz II Men perform two weeks ago? Hell of a lot better than Hall and Oates. Maybe you weren’t into Boyz II Men as much as I was back in the day, but in high school, they were the cat’s meow. I seduced numerous women to the tunes of Boyz II Men back in the day. And when I say “seduced” I mean “tried my damndest to get to second base with anyone while their songs played in the background”. Can’t imagine why that didn’t work. “Hey ladies, come back to my car. I’ve got the latest Boyz II Men single on cassette tape.” You know what I did one time when the stereo and tape deck in my car was broken? I drove to school with the windows down and a boom box in the passenger seat. It’s safe to say that’s probably where it all started going downhill for me.

“American Idol” Results Show”

-Finally got to see Adams performance from Tuesday night. It was good. Was it great? Debatable. I think he’s had better, but I also think he’s had worse. It was a good, solid performance. Didn’t really think it deserved a standing ovation, but it was good. Once again, I don’t hate Adam. Go back to my first recap about this season and I even say I expect him to be in the final two. I still don’t believe he will win, but what does that really mean in the end anyway? Probably be better for him if he didn’t win career-wise. He’s no doubt the best performer they have this season and might be the best over any season. I liked in his video package where his dad admitted, “Yeah, he wasn’t much in sports.” Then Adam chimes in that he liked playing “dress up”. Really? Never would’ve guessed that.

-Holy nose job, Batman! Kellie Pickler, what happened to your face? Yikes. Two years ago when she came back to perform, she had two new goodies up front to show everyone. Now she has a new face. Not only has she lost weight, but I think it’s quite obvious she got some work done on her beak. The weird thing is, I don’t remember much being wrong with her nose. Let me guess, she’s gonna go with the ol’ “I was having breathing problems and it cleared up my deviated septum” excuse? Kinda like the one Karina Smirnoff went with. Look Kellie, just admit you got a nose job because, well, that’s what people do in the entertainment industry. They’re all perfectionists and everyone has to look perfect or else people won’t like them. At least, that’s what they try to convince themselves of. I’ve got no problem with these people getting their shnoze fixed, or going from an A cup to a DD. Whatever floats your boat. Doesn’t affect my life in any way. Just be honest enough with yourself and give people the real reason why you did it and not some made up medical excuse.

-I think Simon said it best yesterday when asked about saving Scott for this week. He basically said it would’ve been patronizing to keep him around another week, and said that with only two weeks left to use the “veto”, they might not even end up using it. Maybe two judges wanted to keep Scott around (Paula and Kara), but if Simon is the one making the final decision, you knew that wasn’t going to happen. I don’t even know if Lil Rounds is gonna be saved at this point considering her performances over the last three weeks. Probably looking at her, Anoop, and Allison being your next three voted off. Not necessarily in that order.

-Don’t know why, but I just completely forgot to put my predictions in the American Idol column this week. I guess cuz I wasn’t on my computer and I was in a hurry. To let you know, I actually did email someone before Wednesdays results show and said I thought the bottom three would be Anoop, Scott, and Kris, with Scott going home. So I missed out on Kris being in the bottom three. Oh well. I saw where next week, Quentin Tarantino is the guest mentor with them singing songs from movies. Didn’t Quentin Tarantino do this once? I could’ve sworn I remember him being a judge during an episode. And what the hell does he have to do with music?

-Do you realize how excited I was to see Frankie Avalon performing on Wednesday? I was so waiting for him to start singing “Beauty School Drop Out”. Too bad he almost collapsed before going on stage. Guess the paramedics had to show up and revive old coot before wheeling him on out there. Kinda weird how he pretty much looks exactly the same as he did in “Grease”. That’s one handsome guy. He was once banging that peanut butter chick, right? Annette Funicello? I sure hope so. She was a little nugget back in the day. Yes, I know she has MS now and isn’t doing all that great. I’m talking about her when she was in her “prime”. Rawr.

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-Due to the fact that the wind blew over my satellite dish while I was out of town, I recorded nothing from last Thursday through this past Tuesday, so I was unable to watch “Celebrity Apprentice.” I did read that Trump sh** canned both T-Boz and Chyna. I didn’t really understand the T Boz firing from what I read, but the Chyna thing was hilarious. He basically broomed her because of her past DUI claiming he had no idea she ever had one, and if he did, he never would’ve invited her on the show. Really? We’re supposed to believe that? Nobody in casting, when going over all the contestants for this years show, mentioned to bring up the fact that she had a recent DUI that was all over the news? Please. I highly doubt that. Whatever the case, she won’t be missed. But hey, if they want to replace her with either of her sisters, feel free to do so.

-So the last episode I saw was the one where they were running the floor of the Loewe’s hotel and Dennis Rodman was crushing vodka/cranberries the whole night. Awesome. One of my favorite episodes ever. Dennis is a complete mess and if you don’t think he will parlay this performance into an appearance on the next “Celebrity Rehab”, you’re crazy. You know it’s coming and I can’t wait to see it. Dennis likes his alcohol, but even that night was bizarre for him. I’m with Jesse James on this one. It’s actually sad to watch him now. Uhhhh Dennis, easy on the “Phil Jackson said I’m the best player he ever coached” bit. Quit taking things so literally. No matter how much Phil smokes from the peace pipe, a guy that coached Michael, Scottie, Kobe, and Shaq would never utter such a ridiculous statement.

-Talk about a bizarre task, what was with the gay orgy that was going on in that one room? First the dudes had a few guys in there, then a couple ladies show up, then they’re ordering food and drinks every five minutes, and every time someone came up to deliver, they were wearing less and less clothing. And then they placed a call early in the morning all in their bathrobes in a 3-man spooning position. Who thinks of stuff like this? And we’re supposed to believe this was all filmed in the course of one night? Doubt that. Just like planting Stephen Baldwin and annoying guy from Sopranos on there, I’m sure these guys were told exactly what to do. I don’t care how many of them were in that room, nobody puts down that much grub in the course of one night.

-The best part of the episode? Ending the night by throwing up the number for Alcoholics Anonymous on the screen. It was like they purposely wanted to throw in that “intervention” episode so this used Dennis as the scapegoat. Kinda like when Bailey Salinger had a drinking problem and all the rest of the gang cornered him in the house and let him have it. Then he went out, got liquored up, and almost killed Jennifer Love Hewitt, something I’ll never forgive him for. Oh wait, that wasn’t real?

“The Hills”

-Yet another show that didn’t record since my satellite dish was taking a nap in my yard when I got back. I’ll catch it this weekend. But let me guess, Lauren had a birthday party, they planted Heidi there so they could create this fake make up session between the two and set the stage for this to be Heidi and Spencers show once Lauren leaves at the end of the season? In case you haven’t heard, Heidi and Spencer are getting married “for real” on April 25th. It’s for the season finale of the show. Really? How convenient. And I was actually thinking it was because they were in love and couldn’t wait to start their lives together. Must have something to do with that paperwork they signed which stipulates they’re a couple on TV and they do what MTV tells them to do. When does the “City” start back up? I like their fake stories better than the “Hills” fake stories.

“Survivor”

-Holy crap, is this show back on again? Seems like it’d been off for a month. I must say, every season I think it’s going to suck, or its going to run its course, or the same stuff we see pretty much every season will get old, and it never does. I’m genuinely excited to see how this Brendan vs Coach thing plays out. As Jeff Probst said in his blog today, there’s like a million alliances going on right now, and one person’s decision here or there can change the whole game. Brendan thinks the “exiled” alliance is gonna get him through, yet Coach is all over his alliance with Tyson, Stephen, and JT and thinks he’s controlling it. Seems to me that the key figure in this game right now is JT. Whatever alliance he chooses to side with will be the alliance that lasts til the end. Then again, on this show, you never know. I could see four different people winning it at this point: JT, Stephen, Coach, or Tyson. I don’t think any of the other five stand a chance in the finals against any of those four.

-There was an article recently that said casting for season 19 and 20 of “Survivor” was still ongoing, even though it was originally supposed to end Jan. 14th. Apparently since word is getting out that now there are so many more contestants being recruited for this show rather than being accepted from a 3 minute videotape they send in, they’re getting less and less entries. In fact, 12 of the 16 people cast this season were “recruited” to be on the show. Yeah, like Eddie George’s wife sent in a video tape like thousands of others do and just “happened” to land on the show. C’mon. It’s obvious what they’re doing here. Doesn’t make it wrong, because one of the best parts of the show is how well they’re able to cast it. I was just saying if you’re one of those people that really wants to be on this show and you send in your tape every season hoping to get discovered, you should probably stop. The show has gotten too mainstream to just cast random people.

-If they ever do another All-Stars edition, which I’m sure they will, you could easily take 4 or 5 from this cast alone and put them on the show. Coach and Tyson are locks. I think JT is one of the more likable characters they’ve had in a while, so you know he’d get on. Then depending on how Brendan and Taj play the rest of the game, either of them could warrant being brought back for an All Stars edition. Speaking of Coach, anyone ever read his bio on CBS’ homepage? Here’s a brief snippet:

“Aside from setting the world record for the longest solo kayak expedition on the ocean (an amazing 6,132 miles), Wade has also been attacked by a tiger shark, stalked by a jaguar in the Amazon and has been bitten by a piranha on his right hand.”

Coach is one of these guys that you just feel is shoveling B.S. with every sentence that comes out of his mouth, that it’s hard to believe this stuff. He kayaked 6,000 miles? And he’s a soccer coach? Something is missing here with him. Like if we were ever to find out this guy has had numerous arrests in his past, or maybe like five years of his life are unaccounted for, would you be the least bit surprised? Neither would I.

I need to wrap this up, so I’ll keep the mailbag to just one this week. I found this funny.

Steve,

I, too, have had the nickname Spiderman after a night of
drinking. Mine came from the fact that I passed out in bed, sleeping
on the side near the wall, and found myself actually up against the
wall, arm and leg out in a spread eagle formation like I was getting
ready to climb the wall. That was when my Spiderman was born. I don’t
know how long I slept that way and I believe the reasoning was the
cement of the wall was cool and I was hot (from Jim Beam or the fact
that it’s Florida) and that was my drunken sleep solution. Or I was
trying to get as far away from the person who was in my bed that
night. Who knows!

I do hope you’ll tell your Spiderman story some day!

Elizabeth

RS: I thought they gave me the nickname because I was just the friendly neighborhood hero. Funny that’s how Elizabeth got the nickname, but no, that’s not how I earned it. I went about it a different way apparently. For the sake of those involved, the transformation of how Reality Steve became Spiderman will have to remain a mystery. Just use your imagination. It’ll be another seven weeks before Spiderman makes another appearance, and when he does, watch out. There’s no stopping him.

I had to cut this a little short today (I know, “This is short, Steve?”), but I definitely had some other things to get to. It’s just that I’m hungry, it’s almost lunch time, and I’ve been typing all morning. Next week, I promise a couple good nuggets regarding this season of the “Bachelorette”. So as always, any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, more stuff for next weeks email bag, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you Wednesday.

Administrator Reality Roundup

A lot to get to this week. We need to cover the latest on “DWTS”, the “Idol” Results show, “Survivor”, “Celebrity Apprentice”, wrap up the “City” finale, plus, I will finally give you the rumors I’ve heard concerning Jillians season of the “Bachelorette”, what the tabloids are already saying about Jillian, an update on Jason and Molly, a “Bachelor” breakup, plus, answering your questions over the last week in our email bag.

“Dancing With the Stars”

-The latest news to come from the show is about crazy stalker guy getting arrested Tuesday night outside the studios because he was after Shawn Johnson. Like this season hasn’t already had enough drama. Damn. I think if this were a veteran actress would had been through “obsessive fans” before, I might not be as big of deal. But I’m guessing if you’re 17, and you find out a guy was roaming around outside the studio with two loaded guns, letters, and duct tape, I bet she’s pretty freaked out. Let’s see if it affects her performance the rest of the way. She’s gotta be pretty shaken by something like this. As for this 34 year old loser, what else can you say? Dude, she’s 17. I’m guessing she has no interest in you. And if you’re really that desperate for some female attention, there are plenty of 900 numbers to call, or strip clubs to visit. I’m guessing jumping fences and breaking security with loaded guns in your car isn’t the quickest way to Shawn’s heart. Call me crazy. Or how about I just call you crazy.

-Now, obviously that could have an affect on Shawn. But once the report came out yesterday of someone getting a hold of her contract for the show, I’m guessing her mind got put at ease a little bit. Let’s face it, if you go on this show, you’re making some good coin. And the longer you go, the more money you make. For years it was rumored that you make a minimum 100k to appear on the show, then 20 grand extra for each week you stay. Howard Stern announced that back in Season 3 when his girlfriend Beth was offered and turned it down. Well, since Shawn is a minor, TMZ.com got a hold of her contract, and it basically verified what Stern said. The basics:

-Under the contract, Shawn gets a guarantee of $125,000 for appearing on the show. By surviving the first elimination, she gets an additional $10,000 a week for weeks 3 and 4.

-If Shawn survives the next eliminations, the rate doubles to $20,000 a week for weeks 5, 6 and 7. For weeks 8 and 9 she scores $30,000 a week.

-In weeks 10 and 11, if Shawn makes it through, she gets $50,000 a week.

Read Shawn’s contract here

Not bad indeed. And some people question why C-list celebs are now begging their agents to get them on the show. Hell, I’d embarrass myself on national TV for six figures. So for those upset at Melissa for agreeing to do the show, there’s your reason why. Does it make her a money grubber? Not at all. Because every single one of you out there would’ve taken that in a heartbeat as well and you’re lying if you say you wouldn’t. Let’s see, go back home to Dallas and work in sales behind a desk from 8-5, or, do something you love doing, make it the finals, and get paid some serious money? Yeah, real tough decision there.

-Uh oh. Yet another “DWTS” injury. Late last night, it was reported that Holly Madison might have a broken rib. I think my ribs would be broken too if had giant DDD’s that banged against my ribcage all week dancing. Not that Holly has a chance to win this thing, but let’s at least see her for a couple more weeks. I want to make a deal with Holly as well. How about the longer you stay, the less clothing you wear every week? Sounds fair to me.

-So I presented the question last week of how the hell does the scoring system work on this show since they’ve never fully explained it. Little did I know, the answer was sitting right there on ABC’s website if you look hard enough. So for those that don’t know how they combine the viewers votes with the judges scores, I hope this clears it up for you. Certainly didn’t for me.

THE PROCEDURE FOR ELIMINATING COUPLES:

Each week every couple receives points from the judges and votes from the public. For every couple we work out the share they got of the points given by the judges on the night, and the share they got of the public’s votes on the night and we add these two shares together. The couple with the lowest combined total is eliminated from the show.

For example if couple A, B and C receive 38, 26 and 14 points from the judges, we calculate what share these points represent of the total awarded by the judges on the night. In this case the judges gave 78 points in total, and each couples’ share of 78 points breaks down as follows: 38= 48.72% of 78, 26= 33.33% of 78, 14= 17.95% of 78. Let’s suppose that when the public votes are tallied, each couple has the following shares: A= 20%, B=40%, C=40%. To determine who’s eliminated we combine these two shares for the total:

Couple A: 20+48.72%= 68.72%
Couple B: 40+33.33%= 73.33%
Couple C: 40+17.95%= 57.95%

In this case, the bottom two couples would be A and C, and C would be eliminated.

Holy crap, really? That’s the way they decide who goes home? This is a freakin’ dance contest not nuclear science. No wonder they’ve never fully explained that to the viewers. It would have to include pie charts, bar graphs, and would take up the whole show. That’s just stupid if you ask me.

-During the video before Chuck and Julianne’s performance, he said something that got me to thinking. I think it’s safe to say now that “That’s how I roll” has now replaced anything ending in “izzle” as the most annoying pop culture phrase currently in the cycle. If I’m not mistaken, that phrase really took off when Jack Blacks character kicked Baxter over the bridge in “Anchorman” and then uttered the line. That movie came out in 2004. Why that phrase is still being used by EVERYBODY is beyond me. So annoying now.

-And just like Probst and Harrison, EW.com has hired on Carrie Ann to blog about the show every Wednesday. Is it as good as those guys? Of course not. But it does offer some interesting behind-the-scenes stuff. Read Carrie Ann’s blog right here.

-Holy sh**! We have a Hall and Oates sighting! Really? Hall and Oates on “DWTS”? Was Huey Lewis and the News too busy this week? Hey, it’s been 25 years and I still couldn’t tell you which one is Hall and which one is Oates. Whoever the one with the black hair and the porn mustache is, he might be barely five feet tall. Did you see him on stage Tuesday night? That guy is a midget. I think the one thing I like best about the Tuesday night performances is we get to watch the pros dance with the pros. Unlike on Idol where we’re treated to a ridiculous, lip synched, horribly choreographed group performance, I thoroughly enjoy watching the pros dance together on Tuesday nights. Shows you how much better they are than the celebs they’re coaching.

-Back to Holly Madison for a second. Obviously, she knows she’s the hottest female on the show with the biggest cans, but how come in every pre-dance video we see, she’s practicing in soccer shorts, an oversized shirt, and her socks are pulled up to her knees? Why can’t Edtya’s wardrobe designer give Holly a little help? I’m fine with her outfits the night of the dances, but can she practice in something a little skimpier? Like say, oh I don’t know, RealitySteve.com boy shorts and tank top? Coming soon everyone. Hopefully. And have you noticed how every judge, even Carrie Ann, seems to comment about her boobs after she dances. Good or bad, there’s always some reference made to them. Man I love this show.

-Steve-O really is trying out there and seems like he’s genuinely interested in doing well this season. I think the fact he’s dancing so poorly doesn’t really have much to do with his lack of rhythm, or his injuries. Really. I think it might have more to do with the fact that guy has to dance with a frog in his throat. What kind of voice is that? I guess if you’ve done every drug imaginable and have been in and out of rehab, you are gonna sound a little haggard. But my God, his voice almost sounds fake. Either that, or he gargles razor blades every morning.

“American Idol” Results Show

-Damn, I’m getting good at these predictions. Nailed two of the bottom three and correctly predicted who got eliminated for the 3rd time in 4 weeks. And I don’t feel bad I didn’t have Matt Giraud in the bottom three since I can’t imagine anyone else did. If he’s showing up in the bottom three after a performance like that, it goes to show that there’s just a little something missing with him where he’s not connecting with the audience. If I remember correctly, a lot of past winners never appeared in the bottom three once during their season. I don’t believe Carrie did, nor did Fantasia or Taylor. Can’t remember if David Cook did last year. I don’t think he did, but I could be wrong.

-At least the “Idol” producers admitted this week that, yeah, our group performance is lip synched. In case you didn’t see, this was the exact reasoning they gave for it:

“Due to extensive choreography and to balance their voices with open mikes against a screaming audience, the Idols do sing along to their own prerecorded vocal track during the group performances only.”

Whatever excuses you wanna make, that’s fine. No need to justify it. Hell most, if not all, pop singers lip synch in concert. Especially ones that choreograph dance routines around their music***cough*** Britney Spears***cough***. The easiest solution is just eliminate it all together. It’s so high school play-ish its not even funny. I fast forward through it every week. Then again, I fast forward through most of the results show every week unless someone’s performing that I give a damn about. Brad Paisley? Tivo 30 second jump. Carrie Underwood? Yes ma’am, may I have another?

-Why did the judges pretend last night like they were actually considering saving Michael Sarver? No they weren’t. Nice acting job. Remember how I said last week now that Alexis is gone, the only ones they’ll use the save on will either be Adam, Danny, Lil Rounds, or Matt? Let me revise that. I definitely think they’re going to use the save this season. The more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that they never would’ve instituted it if they weren’t going to use it. Assuming none of those four ever receive the lowest amount of votes, I still think the judges would use it to save someone when it’s down to the final six or five. Let’s say they haven’t used it yet, it’s down to five contestants (those four and Allison for arguments sake), and Allison gets the lowest amount of votes. I bet they use it to bring her back the next week. Why? Just so they can have a double elimination. Adds intrigue and adds interest to a rather boring results show. So here’s the bottom line: If any of the “fave 4″ get the lowest votes before the Final 5, they’re getting saved. If none of them ever do, the judges will still use it on someone halway decent when its down to five or six. Does that make sense?

-Final note: This week, Reuben’s performance was taped after Wednesday night’s show (along with a performance by Jennifer Hudson that’s going to appear later this year). And now, not only is the group performance lip synched, but now it’s not even live as that thing was watched on the monitor by people in attendance. Yikes. How much longer before someone gets accused of lip synching on the live show?

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-I’ve become a big fan of Brande Roderick. I know, shocking huh? I think she should incorporate the Holly Madison strategy into every task. That being to just where as little clothing as possible. Would make it so much more enjoyable for the viewer. I loved the scene this week where she went to go meet the police chief to present him with the money she won and she says, “I’ve got something I want to give you”. I’m guessing at that point, the last thing that guy wanted to see was some check for his foundation. If Brande Roderick says, “I’ve got something I want to give you”, I think that calls for an immediate hard on.

-The NBC editing/hype machine in full effect last week. “The Dennis Rodman Meltdown”. Really? That was a meltdown? Omarosa and Piers had better arguments than that. Like we ever thought he’d lay a hand on Clint Black. Please. Totally contrived on Dennis’ part too. I bet they told him to do that. He’s always been the bad boy, so nothing he does on this show should surprise anyone. Him flipping out on Clint after they’d just won the right to present seconds made no sense whatsoever. I’m willing to bet he was told to do that. Yes, I’m cynical. Frankly, when watching reality TV, I basically am starting to question everything since pretty much all of it is fake.

-Claudia Jordan no doubt must be banging one of the higher up executives at NBC. How else can you explain her being on the show? What credentials does she have? As C & D list as everyone else on that show is, Claudia Jordan can’t even hold a candle to them in terms of accomplishments in Hollywood. Someone do some digging and find out who her boyfriend/sugar daddy is. Has to be someone higher up at NBC. A “Deal or No Deal” girl? There’s 25 of them. What makes her so special?

-You know what’s funny? I’ve always mixed up Brian McKnight and R Kelly. Not because they look alike but because they both produce the same kind of music. I was trying to remember Brian’s biggest hit and I had to google it before I remembered. “Back at One”. That’s a good song. Always liked that one. But if you told me R Kelly sung “Back at One” and “I Believe I Could Fly” was by Brian McKnight, I probably would’ve believed that too. Here’s how you can tell the difference between the two (Yes, here comes the easiest joke ever written on this website). Brian doesn’t like videotaping himself urinating on underage girls.

-Did I hear Trump correctly in the boardroom saying that he has TLC on his ipod? Sure you do, Donnie. I’m sure “Waterfalls” is always bumping on your ipod when you’re at the gym. Or “Creep”. Or “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”. Quit sucking up to your contestants. You know what I noticed about Donald Jr. and Ivanka? That are infinitely more cooler than their father and are halfway normal. How did he spawn those two? And if you think my next line is going to have something to do with Ivanka dressing more like Holly Madison and Brande Roderick, well then, you know me too well. Funny thing about Ivanka is, as far as I know, she’s never really done a provocative spread in any men’s magazine. That surprises me. Hold on, let me google that real quick to make sure I’m not missing out on anything (10 minutes later). Other than a few busty cleavage pics, nothing too scandalous out there of her. Dammit. That needs to change.

-Just a bit of editing once again at the end of the show. When Claudia got eliminated from the boardroom, she hair perfectly straight hair and wasn’t wearing any panty hose. In her walk out to the car, looks like she had extensions in her hair, it was wavy, and she had on black panty hose. I’m obsessed with those three seconds of them walking to the car now so I can find something different from that shot to a shot five seconds earlier when they were getting in the elevator. I think the “Apprentice” has always acknowledged that the “elimination” walks to the car aren’t on the same night they’re eliminated, but dammit if it doesn’t stop me from pointing it out every week. I’m weird like that.

“The City” Finale

-I know I’ve spent too much time watching the “City” and the “Hills” when last night my whole dream ended up being about me and Spencer Pratt becoming good buddies after he called me out for something I said in a past column about him. One of the more bizarre dreams I’ve had in a while and one that I’d frankly never like to have again. I seriously could never bring myself to even speak to that douchenozzle.

-So the “City” finale has come and gone, and oh the drama! Uh huh. Just like the scripted it out. What a surprise that every single person involved in the show ended the season on some cliffhanger with where there life was headed. Almost like it was planned right from the beginning. Which it was. Really? Whitney and Jay just happened to break up in the last episode of the season? How ironic. Let me guess, when next season starts, Whitney will have moved on, dated a few more guys, maybe even be exclusive with someone, but then Jay will reappear in her life wanting her back, and it’ll cause drama. Of course he will. He’s signed on for season 2. Look, I hate to ruin it for those that actually like the show and enjoy watching, but there’s absolutely nothing real about this show. Nothing whatsoever. Short of giving them a script to memorize lines, everything in both the “City” and the “Hills” is all planned ahead of time according to a storyboard so they can tell a story throughout the course of a season. I don’t think I’m breaking any news here, but I know there are those out there that think what they see on television is real. I hate to burst your bubble, but its not. Just because they’re not given scripts with monologues to memorize doesn’t mean they’re not told what to say or how to act in certain situations. And you know what? I’ll still be watching when the “Hills” begins its “final” season on April 6th.

“The Bachelor/ette”

-Quite a few things to cover this week regarding everyone’s favorite show here. Let me first start of with the “Bachelorette”, which begins filming today. How do I know this? There are a couple guys from Dallas on the show this season who left for L.A. two days ago. From what I hear, the meet-and-greets out of the limo will be occurring tonight. Then the fun begins. Weeeeeeee!!!!!! So how is our little Jillian going to be as the Bachelorette? Well, according to OK! Magazine, nothing like she was on the “Bachelor”. Read this story:

The Bachelorette Gets Naughty!

Now, it’s hard to put too much stock into this report for the sole reason they only quote an “insider”, however, would it be really that far-fetched if we saw this after everything that went down last season? I don’t think so. Look, anything is believable at this point and if you immediately dismiss this report, you’re being naïve. Mike Fleiss and his production company have the same exact objective as anybody who puts on a TV show, which is to get people to watch. As we saw last season, they will stoop to whatever level they have to for eyeballs to watch their show. So at this point, nothing would surprise me regarding Jillians season. Nothing.

-Now as for the information I’d heard about a month ago, here’s the rumor that is going around. In past seasons this hasn’t been the case, but because of the backlash this show received after the Jason fiasco, I’ve heard that guys who were set to be cast on the show this season started pulling out at the last minute and were basically offered money to come back on and “guaranteed” spots in the final four, and/or, final two. I put “guarantee” in quotes because there’s no guarantee whatsoever that can ever happen in this show unless its written into their contract, which doesn’t happen. However, I’ve had multiple people report to me that two guys in particular were offered $50k each to be in the final two this season, with the one not getting picked getting a handshake offer to be the next “Bachelor”, yet both of them turned it down. Not bad coin, huh? Kinda funny that now when I watch the show, when we get down to the final two, I’ll be asking myself, “Gee, I wonder how much those guys were offered? Maybe they should change the shows name to “For Love or Money”. Oh wait, NBC already ran that show. Hell, I’d even consider selling my soul to ABC for that amount of cake. 70k for six weeks of work of pretending to be interested in some Canadian chick? Works for me. Where do I sign?

-Now of course there will be people that question the validity of this, but ask yourself this question. In the history of this show, have you ever heard publicly about anything regarding money given out to these contestants? No. Sure, it’s talked about on message boards, but ABC has never released a statement that said, “Today, ABC and Jason Mesnick agreed on a six-figure deal for him to become the next ‘Bachelor’.” They just announce who our next “Bachelor” is and tell us when the season will start. But lets not play dumb here. The “Bachelor” and the “Bachelorette” get paid, and well. So when you’re getting paid that kind of money, let’s face it, you’re probably going to do what you’re told. Nobody is going to quit their job for six weeks and be the focal point of a network show if they’re not making any money off it. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. As for the contestants, the contract stipulates you receive compensation once you reach the final four, whatever that may be. Probably varies from season to season. If they’re handing out six figures for you to show up on “DWTS”, they’re obviously paying you to be the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette”. Lets not kid ourselves.

-Once again, there are those of you out there who believe in love stories, and live in a fantasy world, and are hoping Jillian finds the perfect guy, falls madly in love, and gets engaged at the end of the season. This show has always pushed the bounds of ridiculousness, but this stuff takes the cake. Now they’re resorting to paying guys to come on the show with promises of making the final two? Yikes. Even for them that’s pretty low. Gonna be real interesting to watch this season knowing all this. If two guys already turned down 70k to be part of the final two, I wonder what the eventual final two guys are getting? And is there a reason no one has ever publicly asked Mike Fleiss, Chris Harrison, or ABC, “Hey, how much does your Bachelor/ette get paid to do the show?” If no one wants to ask it, I certainly will. There’s a reason no one’s asked and it’s because they don’t want to have to answer it. Because once they start throwing around figures of what these people are paid, then, all the rumors about the show start becoming more believable.

-I think another interesting point about how “scripted” the show is how the announcement of Jillian as the “Bachelorette” played out. Mike Fleiss admitted publicly that they were going to ask Molly to be the next one because she was the final two girl. Then when they got wind of Jason “changing his mind”, they asked Melissa, and she declined. So he’s been on record as saying essentially that Jillian was their 3rd choice. Well, Jillian was announced as the next “Bachelorette” on “live” TV March 3rd during the ATFR 2 show. The show was taped the Friday before on the 26th, which means they came to an agreement with her sometime a little before that. So if Jillian is officially signed on as the “Bachelorette” in late February, yet they’ve been casting for the show for months in advance, doesn’t that pretty much tell you that they’re just casting roles, and not necessarily casting 25 men specifically for Jillian?

-If this show is claiming they are out to find the 25 guys that suit Jillian the best, wouldn’t all casting begin AFTER they’ve decided on who the “Bachelorette” will be? Of course it would, but that’s not the way it works. There’s no way that the 25 guys this season were all scouted, interviewed, tested, and prepped for tonights meet-and-greet all in the last month. Impossible. Casting directors pick out certain guys they like, they place them on the show, and only afterwards do they find out who they’re “competing” for. And apparently this season, are throwing around gobs of cash guaranteeing them spots in the final two, as well as false promises that if they don’t get picked, they would end up being the next “Bachelor”. Even Fleiss made it perfectly clear in an interview recently where he said people are more interested in the “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” when they’ve seen them before and have followed their storyline. Hence the reason DeAnna was cast, then Jason, and now Jillian. And you can bet your ass our next “Bachelor” will come from this crop of 25 guys competing for Jillian. Just one big recycle going on now. It’s too much of a risk for them to cast someone that no one has formed any opinion about already as the focal point of their show.

-”Star” magazine ran a weird headline over the last week saying Jason wanted Melissa back, then I never read any sort of story about it. So to one up them, “People” magazine decided to give us an update on how the hell Jason and Molly are doing. Interesting read:

“The Bachelor’s” Jason Visits Molly in Her Hometown”

So since the finale on March 2nd, Molly hasn’t been to Seattle once? Uhhh, that can’t be a good sign. Blame it on using up all your vacation days already, but why couldn’t she fly out after work on Friday and come back Sunday? Let’s face it, the “we’re taking it one day at a time”, and “we’ll see what happens” talk is Bachelor-speak for, “It’s only a matter of time before we break up.” So they’re “happy” together? How can you be since apparently you’ve barely seen each other? The negative publicity Jason has received since the show end apparently isn’t helping either. Numerous reports are saying he’s very insecure about people not understanding his decision of “changing his mind” and if he doesn’t get over it, the relationship will end sooner rather than later.

-Unfortunately, we had a recent “Bachelor” break up as the lovely Holly Durst and Jesse Csincsak are no longer together. Let’s all let out a collective, “If these two can’t make it, is there any hope for the rest of us?” If you looked closely enough, Jesse and Holly were in attendance at Monday’s taping of “DWTS” even though they’d already broken up. Naomi was there as well. On Jesse’s website, you can see a pic of Melissa, him, Naomi, and Holly after the show ended, in that order. Man, Jesse couldn’t even be next to her in the picture? Cold.

“Email Bag”

I want to save a couple for next week as well, plus, this is taking me a lot longer than I thought, so here’s just a few to wet your appetite.

Hey Steve,

My question for the mailbag: what was the real reason behind the Jesse/DeAnna break up? You wrote something about De’s fans hating her if we ever learned the real reason. Did it have anything to do with the rumored 10k they paid her to appear on Jason’s show? I can see Fleiss saying they’d like her to be on Jason’s show, but only if she happened to be single by the time they needed her in late November, hint hint nudge nudge.

Kelly

Reality Steve: Well Kelly, after everything I mentioned above about money being thrown around on this show, it’s safe to say that DeAnna and Jesse’s breakup had much more to do with money than it did with love. Yes, money played a role in her picking him, it played a role in them staying together, and it ultimately played a role in their breaking up. Draw your own conclusions from that.

Hi Steve,

Do you do anything for a living besides watch tv and write in a blog that, until recently, didn’t have any advertising? Just how do/did you get the money required to live?

Laura

RS: Thank you Laura for thinking I’m an unemployed loser with nothing better to do. In case you missed it, I will refer you to an interview that someone did with me about a month ago entitled, “Who is Reality Steve?”

http://blogs.hairboutique.com/index.php/2009/03/01/who-is-reality-steve/

Yes, I have a job. That job also requires me to work from home, so I’m pretty much in front of a computer all day. That job also allows me a ton of free time to write, work on my website, and travel back to California to see my niece and nephew, which is where I’ll be next week for his 2nd birthday. Looking forward to that. Hey, maybe that’s why Maddie urinates all over my apartment. She’s so used to me being here all day, that when I leave, she doesn’t know where the hell I’m going, or if I’m coming back, so she lashes out. Hmmmmmm, could be on to something here. Although, she only does it when I leave at night. It never happens if I have a meeting during the day, or go to lunch. Only when I leave at night. Weird.

Reality Steve,

If I somehow showed up at this Child Abuse Prevention Gala on April 18th, could I be your date? Ha ha. Love the column. All the best!

Tina

RS: Well, would I bring a complete stranger as my date to this event? Probably not. Although with less than three weeks left and still being dateless, I guess it could be possible. But if you want to show up, feel free to do so. It should be a really fun night for a great cause. For those that didn’t come to the site yesterday, check back to the first few paragraphs and I encourage you to help out in any way you can to the Child Abuse Prevention Center.

So that’s it for this week. Back on Wednesday with your “Idol” recap. Keep sending in your emails for the mailbag as it will appear every Friday in the “Reality Roundup” column. As always, any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, donations, date applications, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.

Administrator Reality Roundup

I told you on Wednesday I had some news about how you readers would be able to get involved with the site, well, now’s your chance. In addition to the “Reality Roundup” column which currently appears every Friday, I want to add a mailbag section where I either answer your questions on the site, or do it in podcast form. Mostly I would like to basically answer any questions you may have regarding the TV that you watch. Even if it’s a show I don’t watch, trust me, I’ll still have an answer for you. Might not actually answer your question per se, but I will have an answer. So you have a week to get all your questions in, and they will appear next Friday, either in the column, or in a podcast. The “Reality Roundup” will still be a column, but depending on how many questions there are to answer, I might just do that on a podcast. Let’s get started this week.

“Dancing with the Stars”

-I forgot to tell everyone my Holly Madison story last week. About nine years ago, when I was working for a sports radio station in Los Angeles, during football season, every Monday night, we broadcasted from the Hooters restaurant in Santa Monica. Wonderful establishment I tell ya’. Food couldn’t be better. Anyway, for 16 straight weeks, our station was in there every Monday night, so to say I didn’t start recognizing some of the waitresses would be an understatement. One I actually got to attend a USC/UCLA game with me. No, not because I had any game, but because I basically bribed her. Good times. So the point of this story is, there was always this roller skating waitress in there on Mondays. She was the only one who’d roller skate around the whole place, took orders, delivered food, delivered drinks, all on her roller skates. Rather impressive I thought. Well, fast forward about five years later, or whenever “Girls Next Door” started, and by golly, I realized the roller skating waitress ended up being Holly Madison (I’m sure that’s her real name too). Just to make sure, I looked up her bio online, and yep, specifically said she used to work at the Santa Monica Hooters as a roller skating waitress. I knew she had more talent other than being able to milk old men for their money and lie on her back.

-Did you see Maxsim’s interview with TVGuide.com last week? Basically said he thinks it’s unfair that Melissa is in the competition because of her dance background. Do I agree? Of course it’s unfair. It’s pretty obvious after two weeks who the best dancer on that show is. However, Max really doesn’t have a lot of room to bitch since he had Mel B. as a partner once. She had a dance background as well and they got to the finals. This shouldn’t be a surprise to these people. They’re eight seasons in and they do it every single season. Two or three people on the show have some sort of dance background that isn’t in ballroom. Why someone would complain about this is now is beyond me. This isn’t anything new. I think he’s more upset that his fiancée, you know the one who was doinking Mario Lopez about six months ago, got stuck with a crappy partner. Oh well. No worries, Max. Ladies still love you.

-I liked Jewel’s performance Wednesday night. The more I watch Jewel, and the more I watch Ty Murray, I find myself asking in this question, “What the hell does she see in that guy?” Because he rides bulls? I think it’s safe to say she’s completely out of his league in the looks department. He definitely traded up to whoever he was dating before. Other than that little dental issue she has going. Man, how did he “lasso” her heart? Get it? Lasso? I’m hilarious really.

-Sad to hear that Cougar Carrie Ann dumped her boyfriend recently. Maybe the fact that she could’ve been his mother might’ve had something to do with it. Or that he was some scrub on one of the early seasons of “So You Think You Can Dance”. Whatever the case, she’s now back on the market and ready to prey on more 21 year olds. Carrie Ann suffers from the “Warren Sapp Disease”. You know what that is? It’s people that constantly laugh at their own jokes. Hell, it’s not even jokes. They just constantly laugh at the end of every sentence that comes out of their mouth. You know these people. They’re quite annoying. So no matter if she makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside with her 40 year old self, she bugs when she laughs at the end of every sentence. I remember liking Carrie Ann when she was a “Fly Girl” on “In Living Color”. She was the only “Fly Girl” I ever remembered. Jennifer Lopez had nothing on her back in the day.

-Nice to see Kathy Griffin supporting her ex-boyfriend Steve Wozniak. Ha ha. Kathy Griffin. Steve Wozniak. Gee, you think she was possibly into him for the money? Nah, no way. Women never do that. Yet once again proves the theory that there is no such thing as an unattractive man with money. If you’ve got money, you can pull skirt. Not saying Kathy Griffin is attractive of anything, but please, Steve Wozniak? If that guy was making $30k a year, you think he’d ever get laid? Me neither.

-I like how Tom Bergeron told us this week, “According to the rules, you must judge Steve-O based on his dress rehearsal routine.” Huh? This show has rules? Since when? This show has been on eight seasons now, and I’m guessing that 99% of the people watching still can’t tell you how the scoring is tabulated on this show. Yes, I know it’s the judges scores combined with the viewer voting, but what does that mean? They’ve never explained HOW combining the two scores gives the results it gives. “Idol” is pretty simple. Lowest amount of votes leaves. “DWTS” still has me scratching my head. Steve and Karina had the lowest judges scores, yet Belinda and Jonathon went home. Which means Steve and Karina fared better with the audience. Ok fine. But if they scored a 16 out of 30, and Belinda scored an 18 or 19, where’s the mathematical formula that puts Steve and Karina ahead of them? Forget it. I’m done trying to calculate this anymore. We all know who’s going to the finals anyway.

-I’m sure Karina is happy she’ll be done early this season, even though Max isn’t, since it’ll give her time to plan their wedding. How long do we give the Max/Karina marriage to last? A year? Two years? I’m guessing it won’t be too long. As for the rest of this season, I believe it’s fair to say that our final three will be Shawn, Naked Guy, and Melissa, right? I mean, really. Is there anyone else who even has a chance to break into that top three? Not only because they’re the three best dancers, but they’re probably the three most liked. Naked Guy gets the womens votes because he’s the best looking male on the show. Melissa for obvious reasons that America already is pulling for her. And Shawn because she’s so cute you want to fold her up, put her in your pocket, and take her home. I can’t see anyone else even coming close to cracking the top three the rest of the season.

-And check out page 56 of “In Touch” weekly with Jessica Simpson on the cover this week. You’ll get your very own quotes from me regarding the conspiracy theory that ABC purposely had Jewel and Nancy O’Dell bail out so they could get Melissa on the show. Sorry. Don’t believe it for a second.

“American Idol” Results Show

-Not bad, huh? I nailed who the bottom three were going to be in Wednesday’s column, although I had the wrong person going home. However, if you follow my Twitter account (RealitySteve), you’ll know that ten minutes into the results show on Wednesday, I said that I felt Alexis was headed home. I was shocked that Seacrest said at the very open of the show, “I think you’ll be surprised as to tonight’s results”. Well geez, when they showed us Michael, Allison, and Alexis in the bottom three, isn’t it logical to think that the only one we’d be surprised to see leave at that point would be Alexis?

-So much for the new “twist” saving Alexis. Too early. Simon made it too obvious. When Alexis was announced as the one with the fewest votes, and Simon said, “You’re the one we were thinking of saving”, it was rather obvious they weren’t going to save her. Why would he have just given it away before she sang? And if the bottom vote getter has one last chance to try and impress the judges, how can they do that singing the exact same song that sent them home the night before? The only reason the “veto” is in there, is if Adam, Danny, Lil Rounds, or Matt happens to be the bottom vote getter before the Final 5. I said Alexis was part of that group on Wednesday, but there was no way they were using their only “veto” on Week 2 of the finals. If Alexis lasted a few more weeks and got the lowest votes let’s say when it was down to 7 people, then they would’ve used it then. But this early, by using it, they weren’t protected later on if one of the “favorites” happened to get the lowest votes. And lets face it, Alexis is still one of the top five singers on the show this year, she just had a bad week.

-In case you didn’t know, Carrie Underwood and Alien Travis’ performance is actually filmed on Tuesday night after the contestants perform then they try to play it off as live on Wednesday. But I think most people know better. During their performance, they dimmed the lights on the judges so you wouldn’t be able to tell, but those like me who care about this sort of stuff know that Simon wore a black shirt on Tuesday, and white shirt on Wednesday. Well, during Carrie and Aliens performance, even though the lights were dimmed, you could see Simon had on his black shirt, which proved the performance wasn’t live on Wednesday night. Even Seacrest changes into what he’s going to be wearing Wednesday night to introduce the act. Brad Paisley’s performance was done live on Wednesday. Not so much for Carrie and Alien Head.

-I said it last week and I’ll say it again: They’ve got to get rid of the group performance to kick off the show Wednesday nights. It’s so obvious the thing is lip synched, its horribly choreographed, and frankly, it seems like it would be a detriment to people wanting to go out and by tickets to the “Idol” Concert Tour. “Here’s a glimpse of what they’ll all look like lip synching together and awkwardly dancing around on stage! Coming soon to an arena near you!” Gee, can I buy my tickets now?

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-Here’s an editing note for you: In the first episode of the season, Tom Green’s beard looked like a homeless man. Then he cut it in the 2nd episode and it was a little more clean shaven. Well, after getting eliminated in Sunday nights episode, as he’s walking out to the car to take him away, did you notice how his beard was being back to rivaling the Unabombers? Unless you were looking closely during those three seconds he took to make the trip to the car, you probably didn’t. They film all those people getting eliminated at the very beginning of the season so as not to throw anyone off. That’s why they all have trenchcoats on to cover up what they’re wearing since they won’t know what they’ll be wearing the night they get eliminated. Tricky stuff.

-This Sunday’s show they’re advertising Dennis Rodman’s meltdown. Which is great, since I’m fully expecting it to be a fake, contrived one. The point is, when Dennis and Tom were battling it out in the boardroom last Sunday, you knew Dennis wasn’t going home because in the early season previews, they showed Dennis having a meltdown on Clint, yet, that hadn’t happened yet. So it was obvious Dennis wasn’t going home. I thought Mark Burnett was better than that. Why give something away that early? Who does he think he is, Mike Fleiss? Then again, after seeing this week that Mark Burnett has decided to sign on a be the one to produce Audrina Patridge’s next reality show, I’m starting to question his sanity. That shocks me. For some reason, he sees some sort of talent in her and wants to be behind her next project. Or maybe just wants to be behind her. I sure would.

-Kind of in the same way I like at the Jewel/Ty Murray marriage, which is, “How the hell are these two together?”, I find myself asking the same thing when I look at Jesse James. This guy gets to nail Sandra Bullock on a nightly basis? Really? Who did he have to pay off to do this? The guy has zero personality, he’s tatted up everywhere, and he buttons all his flannel shirts to the top button. He bugs me, I’m sorry. I’ve never seen one episode of “American Chopper” and I don’t plan on it. I guess Sandra is in to the bad boys, but I never would’ve guessed that. Oh well.

-Remember before the “Celebrity Apprentice” came along, the old “Apprentice” had all the contestants living together at the Trump Towers? Ha ha, like these people would ever agree to come on the show if they had to live with everyone else. This is what makes me hate Hollywood people. The fact that none of them would ever agree to do a “Celebrity Survivor”, and that they would never live with each other on this show. How much better would the show be if we actually got to see them interacting with one another in the morning over coffee. Dennis would absolutely lose it on people, no doubt. Not to mention, he’d be trying to get in Brande Roderick or Natalie Gulbis’ pants every night. C’mon people. That’s what we want to see. But when they’re allowed to go wherever they’re staying at the end of every night, what fun is that?

Back on Wednesday with your “American Idol” recap, plus an update on a charity event I’ve been asked to attend. Bear with us on the comments section, it should be up and running soon. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, and all your questions for our “mailbag” debut next Friday, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Ask anything you wanted TV/Hollywood/Celebrity related. See you next week. Take care.

Administrator Reality Roundup

Finally, back with a “Reality Roundup” column. Been a while since we had one of these. Honestly, I’ve actually fallen behind on a few shows that I normally watch just because of all the stuff that happened with the “Bachelor” over the last month. This column will cover the results show of “Idol”, “Dancing with the Stars”, “Celebrity Apprentice”, “Survivor”, “The City”, and a few other reality show notes. Unbelievably enough, I haven’t watched one episode of the “Real World: Brooklyn”. First time since the Hawaii season where I haven’t watched. I got so backed up, I checked my TiVo last night and every episode was still saved. I think ten of them. So the chances of me getting around to them anytime soon are probably slim and none. But I will be tuning into the “Duel 2″, starting April 8th on MTV. Its been a couple seasons since I’ve watched a “RW/RR Challenge” show, but that trailer for this season got me hooked. Never got around to watching “Rock of Love Bus” this season either. Something tells me I didn’t miss much. Plus, nothing I write could ever be funnier than what is shown. The show speaks for itself.

So I finally go around to transcribing the last 35 minutes of the Megan Parris interview. A lot of you liked the first 53 minutes which you can listen to again by clicking the link below if you want to refresh your memory:

Reality Steve interviews Megan Parris of the “Bachelor”

The rest of it I transcribed as best I could. I left out little bits and pieces to my questions and her answers (like “uhhhs”, and “likes”, and “you knows”) but this is pretty much all the good stuff. Once again, I can’t tell you how impressed I was with Megan before, during, and after this interview. She’s truly a classy woman, totally got reamed on her edit by ABC, and someone I have the privilege of calling my friend now. Here’s the rest of the interview picking up from roughly where it got cut off:

Reality Steve: How about the final two girls? I’m not going to ask you who you think he picks or who you’d like him to pick, but I do want you to talk about each of them individually. First Melissa. Then Molly.

Megan Parris: “Melissa is fantastic. We are very similar in some ways, so naturally, I love her! (Laughs) I feel like because of what I’ve been through, I have an edge about me that she doesn’t have, but when it comes down to it, I have a huge heart and she is the sweetest thing in the world. Molly I didn’t get to know all that well. Actually, I don’t think anybody did come to think of it. She kept a safe distance the whole time. It always made me think something was up. I guess its all making sense now huh?”

RS: Did you see any connection with Molly in all this? Was there anything particular about Molly that seemed weird or was her edit pretty accurate?

Megan: “I guess her edit was actually accurate, how about that! Someone was portrayed the way they actually are! (Laughs) It’s common knowledge that anyone in the final four will get a good edit because they have to prove worthy of marriage material for the shows legitimacy sake. Did she seem sneaky??? I dont know. I just don’t know.”

RS: Lets discuss the “Women Tell All” taping that of course you were a part of. You told me something I found interesting, was that they actually called three people up in the hot seat: Natalie, Jillian, and you. Yet they only showed Natalie and Jillian. Why’d they leave you out?

Megan: “They don’t want to see poise and grace from me. They don’t want me in a natural setting being asked real questions and giving answers true to my personality. They want a character out of me. In a talk show setting, you’re just not gonna get that. I was asked about the first night and why I got the most votes, and my answer was that ‘I deserved it, and I’m thankful they forgave me.’ That wasn’t the ‘material’ they were looking for. I guess it wasn’t television worthy, or whatever. The producers actually came in to my hotel room the night before and told me that I was ‘the main character, the main event,’ and when it came down to it, they didn’t even air my time on stage. I was the first one down there.

They even butchered Erica’s and I’s responses to the question about our tiff. Because that’s what it was, a tiff. In the middle of the night, no biggie. But it came across as something it totally wasn’t. When asked about the situation I’ll tell you exactly what I said; that I understood why Erica got so upset. After the challenges and misconceptions of the first night, Erica and I grew quite close. So she is feeling that someone she’s close with is questioning her morals or actions, and I get it. I get why that hurt. I think that she would tell you she was cranky and overreacted. But I am confident that Erica is aware of my love for her.”

RS: Jason comes in to the hot seat, and in a 2 hour show, gets grilled (if you even want to call it that) by Jillian. Hell, she got one question in. Was that it? Was there more that we didn’t see? Did anyone else get to ask Jason and question, either you girls or the audience, and ABC just chose not to show that?

Megan: “The audience was not able to ask us questions, nor were we able to ask Jason questions. He was shuffled on and shuffled off. I felt like we saw him for two minutes. Literally. It wasn’t what I expected. At one point Erica actually raised her hand and said ‘Chris, when we get a minute I have a question for Jason,’ and that was totally ignored. We didn’t get a chance.”

RS: How about before the taping started, or even afterwards – did any of you girls ever get to chat with him?

Megan: “Well I sure didnt, and I doubt the other girls did either. But who knows? I didnt really want a chance to talk to him, who cares, right? I talk to enough brick walls.”

RS: Was there any talk amongst the girls about, well, me, and the rumors I’ve started? What’s the consensus from the girls about how they think everything shakes down in the end?

Megan: “I can only speak for myself, but it wasn’t anything I wanted to talk about with the gals. I love them, I’ve missed them, and I wanted to move on from this because in reality, its behind me and beneath me. I was more concerned with them as people, their lives, and their careers. I wanted to know whats been happening with them opposed to gossiping about something I aim to separate myself from.”

RS: What’s life been like since the show?

Megan: “Crazy, but kinda the same. It is what I make of it, and I always strive to avoid negativity, so Ive been good. Deacons a wild little he-man and lacrosse is starting soon. A lot of people recognize me and want pictures taken, etc., It’s all fun.”

RS: Word association time. I’ll give you a name, and you give me the first thought that comes to your head about that person.

Mike Fleiss: “Teddy bear.”
Jason Mesnick: “Dud.”
Chris Harrison: “Make-up.”
Melissa: “Bubbles.”
Molly: “E.T.”
Lauren: “Hmmm”
Nikki: “OMG. Who knows? I love her! Big sister, I guess. She’s so maternal with all of us.”
Erica: “Italian!”
Natalie: “Jaundice.”

RS: If you had to do it over, knowing what you know now, would you ever participate in a show like this again?

Megan: “Nope. I’ve dealt with enough manipulation and lies with the paternal side of my sons family. I wanted this to be a fresh start for me, not a repeat. You can lose yourself in manipulation. I sure did. The last thing I ever wanted for myself was to get wrapped up in it again. It gives you an edge. It makes you hard, not trust anyone. I wanted to be free of that and instead I got sucked back in. All the insults and negative comments from people who’ve never even met you can certainly aid in building a wall around your heart. Its a defense mechanism, no one wants to be vulnerable to insults. So instead of having a pure heart, I always feel on the defensive, like I have to apologize to anyone who watched the show. Viewers got shafted. They didn’t even get to know me.”

The End. Hope you all enjoyed the rest of that interview, and I’m sorry I couldn’t the audio to upload. I did the next best thing for you, so, I hope that you’re happy. Thanks again to Megan for giving us an hour and a half of her time that night.

Before we start on this weeks “Reality Roundup”, I want to make a distinction that I think a lot of people miss when it comes to reality shows. Yes, shows like “Rock of Love Bus” and “Biggest Loser” and “The Bachelor” are in the reality show category. No question about it. But you can’t tell me that there aren’t “levels” to our reality shows that we watch. Let’s face it, some are just crap and for pure entertainment, but some are legitimately worth watching because they can actually benefit someone in some way. For anyone to say the “Biggest Loser” and “Rock of Love Bus” should be lumped in the same category is ludicrous. Other than both being reality shows, they couldn’t be more opposite. Even though I haven’t watched the “Biggest Loser” this season, I’ve watched it in seasons past. I don’t think watching that show makes you lose brain cells. That show is productive, its changing peoples lives, and you can learn something from it. Don’t don’t learn sh** from watching “Rock of Love Bus”, “The Bachelor”, “The Real World”, or “The City”. Those are pure entertainment. I think people tend to forget that. Especially when talking about Melissa going from the “Bachelor” to “Dancing with the Stars”.

To say that the “Bachelor” and “DWTS” are even in the same category reality tv-wise is asinine. “The Bachelor” is pure crap. And a failure. We all know that. That’s why we watch for entertainment and not a love story. “DWTS” is basically a talent competition. They don’t have cameras following you 24/7, with producers feeding you lines of what to say, and manipulating how you dance. Your performance is your performance. So I don’t really get how those saying Melissa joining “DWTS” is the same as being on the “Bachelor”. Yes, it looks like she’ll be on TV for the next eight weeks, but in a totally different capacity. You aren’t going to see edited clips of her personality. You aren’t going to see her dating some douchebag. You get a two minute video of her practicing with her partner, you get a live performance of her dancing, and then maybe thirty seconds of her backstage. For Christ sakes, it’s a live show! This couldn’t be any more different from the “Bachelor” if they tried. So let’s stop with the “I thought she never wanted to be on reality TV again” stuff. First off, she said that on Wednesday with “Ellen”. She was asked last Friday to do “DWTS”. Secondly, “DWTS” is much more a competition than it is a “reality show”. Is it reality tv? Yes. Is it the “Bachelor”? Not even close. So let’s start differentiating the two because there is a major difference.

I think you got your “American Idol”, “Dancing with the Stars”, and a couple others that you should just place in the “competition category.” I’d even give a secondary competition category to “Survivor” and “Celebrity Apprentice”, and “Big Brother”, not on par with the other two, because those are taped in advance, edited, and you’re shown what they want you to see. You’ve got shows like “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, “Biggest Loser”, “Sober House”, and a few others that are probably at the top of the “reality tv” food chain in terms of productive, meaningful shows. Then you’ve got the crap/entertainment shows like most stuff on MTV, “The Bachelor”, “Real Housewives of Wherever”, “Hells Kitchen”, and so on. I don’t think I’m announcing anything ground breaking here. I just think that sometimes people lose sight of the importance of some shows and think just because it’s under the “reality tv” label, that they’re all the same.

I’ve always defended “Survivor” as one of the better reality shows around, because it’s a study in social interaction than it is a reality TV “game show”. It just bothers me when people who are “drive by’s” (barely watch the show but kinda know what its about) say things like, “Ugh. That show is stupid. All they do is eat bugs.” Anyone who characterizes “Survivor” and “eating bugs” in the same sentence is just ignorant. They’ve gone whole seasons without doing the eating bug challenge. That was something they did early, but have shied away from lately. It’s so not what the show is about. So yeah, don’t ever say that around me or else I’ll punch you. Let’s begin.

“Dancing with the Stars”

-I think its safe to say we can easily eliminate 9 of the 13 contestants from having a chance at winning: David Alan Grier, Holly Madison, Ty Murray, Steve Wozniak, Steve-O, Lawrence Taylor, Chuck Wicks, Denise Richards, and Belinda Carlisle. No chance. Let’s face it, only Melissa, Shawn Johnson, Lil Kim, and Naked Guy from “SITC” have a legitimate chance to win this thing. Which is usually the way it is every season. Only three or four really have a chance to take home the title.

-I can see Chuck Wicks improving, Denise Richards getting better, and maybe David Alan Grier getting a little better, but not enough to the point where they’d take home the title. It shouldn’t be surprising that anyone who has any sort of background that requires them to have some sort of rhythm always do well. Denise Richards can work her ass off, practice 8 hours a day, and nail all her steps. But if she doesn’t have any rhythm, it just doesn’t look right. You can see who does and who doesn’t. When you watch Shawn, or Melissa, or Lil Kim step, and hold, and move, you can see it looks a little more natural to them. Ty Murray? Please. Steve-O? Psssh. He’s just there to entertain and nothing more.

-I think the show is popular because America likes to see people do something out of their element and like it. Master P was just an ass because he didn’t try, didn’t care, and just worried about looking cool. But when you see pro athletes taking this so seriously, then people tend to care. Can’t fault somebody for doing something completely out of their element and taking a liking to it. That’s almost just as fun to watch as the people who are really good at it. I think the person that most comes to mind for me is Cameron Mathison. That guy literally seemed like he wanted to dump his acting career to become a professional ballroom dancer.

-As much as I enjoyed Melissa appearing on the show and doing well, they’ve gotta stop with the “she only had 48 hours to practice” bit. Yes, we know. She was a late addition. But the fact she was a late addition, yet had the 2nd best score of the night pretty much showed how important having a dance background is. If she had never danced before in her life, then in 48 hours was able to put that routine together and score a 23 out of 30, then you can gush about how she had two days to practice. Not taking anything away from her, but its not like they told her to dunk a basketball. She learned a waltz. Maybe she’s never waltzed before, but if you’ve danced professionally before, you can pick up other kinds of dances a hell of lot quicker than a dork like Steve Wozniak. Melissa was great, I hope she wins, but lets back away from the “she barely had any practice time” nonsense.

-I love the fact that Lil Kim admitted the first time she ever watched the show was in federal prison. That made me giggle. I had totally forgotten she went to prison for a year for lying to a federal grand jury. Yeah, probably don’t want to do that any time in your life. They kinda take things a little seriously. But hey, at least I appreciate you giving a shout out to your lesbian cell mates you had. I’m sure there were many a nights in the pokey when all of you, well, had a group orgy. What else is there to do in prison?

-So former NFL players who have been on the show have done quite well. Emmitt Smith won it, Jerry Rice finished 2nd, and Jason Taylor got to the finals. Lawrence Taylor? Well, let’s just hope he doesn’t get booted off the show for doing a bag of blow before taking the dance floor. Stay away from the drugs, LT.

-I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. There are women who look good regardless of if they have make up on or not. Cheryl Burke is not one of those women. Extremely attractive with make up, and hideous without it. Hey, at least she dropped a few lbs this season. And really Cheryl? Had to blame the weight gain last year on birth control pills? Really? Had nothing to do with your love of food? C’mon. We’re smarter than that.

-It’s amazing that after all the multi-platinum records Jewel has produced, and after she’s even gone through a makeover in her look, that not one person has knocked some sense into her and told her to fix the snaggletooth she has going on. Unbelievable. So many celebrities love the shiny white veneers, yet this hottie looks like she should still be wearing a headgear when she sleeps.

-Maxsim and Karina are now engaged. How cute. I’m sure that’ll last. Karina was broken up with Mario Lopez for six months and now she’s hitched to Maxsim? Look, I know they’ve known each other for fifteen years, and I’m sure they’ve been having sex for quite some time like almost all the dancers on this show do, but really? An engagement? Max, c’mon. Seems to me you can have your pick of any woman out there. AC Slaters sloppy seconds?

-Did you see that the premiere on Monday was the shows highest rated premiere ever? Gee, I wonder why? Must’ve been because they cast Steve Wozniak. Or maybe it was people are so infatuated with Denise Richards? Hey, that Naked Guy is pretty popular, huh? Please. If you don’t think that this shows premiere ratings are in direct correlation to Melissa Rycroft being cast, then you’re just not thinking straight.

“American Idol” Results Show

-So the new twist is that the judges can use a “veto” against any contestant voted off before its down to the Final 5. They can only use it once, and it has to be unanimous. I don’t think this “twist” is really all that big. Thanks to RealityBlurred.com, here’s the list of all the contestants from Seasons 1-7 who were eliminated before the Final 5. Take a look at this list, and other than Jennifer Hudson, and maybe Michael Johns or Carly Smithson last season, would you have desperately wanted to see any of these people saved? Hell, I don’t even remember half of these names:

Season 1:
EJay Day, Jim Verraros, A.J. Gil, Ryan Starr, Christina Christian, RJ Helton (5th)

Season 2:
Vanessa Olivarez, Charles Grigsby, Julia DeMato, Corey Clark, Rickey Smith, Kimberly Caldwell, Carmen Rasmusen, Trenyce (5th)

Season 3:
Leah LaBelle, Matt Rogers, Amy Adams, Camile Velasco, Jon Peter Lewis, Jennifer Hudson, John Stevens, George Huff (5th)

Season 4:
Lindsey Cardinale, Mikalah Gordon, Jessica Sierra, Nikko Smith, Nadia Turner, Anwar Robinson, Constantine Maroulis, Scott Savol (5th)

Season 5:
Melissa McGhee, Kevin Covais, Lisa Tucker, Mandisa, Bucky Covington, Ace Young, Kellie Pickler, Paris Bennett (5th)

Season 6:
Brandon Rogers, Stephanie Edwards, Chris Sligh, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Sanjaya Malakar, Phil Stacey and Chris Richardson (5th and 6th)

Season 7:
David Hernandez, Amanda Overmyer, Chikezie, Ramiele Malubay, Michael Johns, Kristy Lee Cook, Carly Smithson, Brooke White (5th)

-So unless I’m misunderstanding this twist, and maybe if they never use it before the Final 5, then they can use it after that? I don’t know. They weren’t very clear. Other than that, it’s very obvious why this was put in place. If Danny, Adam, Lil Rounds and maybe Matt (the only ones with a legitimate shot to win this thing), end up getting eliminated before the Final 5, then the judges will use it. And Matt is barely in that group. I’d say its more so for the other three. They like Megan, but if she the bottom vote getter in the next couple weeks, they won’t save her. Nor will they save anyone else. This is strictly for people who have a chance to win, not people who might be going home a couple weeks earlier than they should have.

-Is Kelly Clarkson on the same dieting program as Cheryl Burke was last season? And its pretty safe to say at this point that Kelly Clarkson likes chicks, right? I mean really. C’mon. All her songs are hating on men and she just has that certain, well, “look”. With that “look” being, “I wouldn’t mind being naked with another woman tonight.” It’s a very keen sense I have of picking up signs like this. I know. It’s a talent.

-They’ve gotta do away with those cheesy group performances to start out the show. If that isn’t “High School Musical” stuff at its worst, I don’t know what is. The choreography is horrible since most of them can’t dance, and its just uncomfortable to watch. And, ummmm, in case you didn’t realize this, you’ve got a blind guy this season. Probably don’t need him front and center in any dance numbers. But regardless of Scott or not, these group performances are the worst thing this show does, hands down.

-And until the end of time, no one will ever convince me that Paula Abdul adds anything constructive to this show. She’s a complete zero. If Kara had been the 3rd judge since Season 1, and Paula was added this season, I think a lot of you would like Kara more than you do.

“Survivor”

-If you thought I enjoyed reading Chris Harrisons blog on EW.com during the “Bachelor” season (well, that is until he started aiming the whole column at me), then you know I love Jeff Probsts blog. He was the original on this one. His offers much more good insight on a weekly basis. It’s not up yet as of this typing or else I’d link to it, but it should be somewhere on the EW.com homepage by the time you read this. Check it out.

-Here’s a little fun “Survivor” fact. Last night, we find out that Spencer was gay. Who’s his boyfriend. Well, it’s none other than Todd Herzog, winner of “Survivor: China” a couple seasons ago. Todd says they met about a month before Spencer left to film this season. You can read all about their relationship by clicking here.

-Probst definitely has his “go to” lines like Chris Harrison does. In fact, almost all of Probst lines he says every episode of every season. “The tribe has spoken”, “Wanna know what you’re playing for?”, “Once the votes are read, the decision is final, and the person will be asked to leave the Tribal Council area immediately. I’ll read the votes”, “C’mon on in, guys!”, “You’re getting your first look at the new “x” tribe. (Name) voted out at the last tribal council”. He’s the best. I want Probst to do more than this show. Hosting the Emmys was a start. He needs to do more. Here’s one of his more underrated lines after he tells the tribes what they’re playing for in the Reward Challenge, “Worth playing for?” Which is always followed by a bunch of, “Oh yeah Jeff! Can’t wait!” I mean, they’ve been out there “x” amount of days drinking nothing but water, eating rice and beans, and essentially starving themselves to death, I’m guessing if you offered anything that wasn’t a sh** sandwich, they’d be thrilled.

-This alliance that Brendan, Taj, Stephen, and Sierra have that’s crossing Tribal lines is bizarre. They showed a couple people on Timbura catching on to it already. I just don’t get what makes those four think they are a lock for the final four. Who is to say one won’t get eliminated in a blindside before the merge? And let’s say they do make the merge, they’re only four, while there’s still six others? So how are they saying they’re controlling the game? We know having the Immunity Idol is nice, but twice in the last few seasons we’ve seen people who’ve had it in their possession still get voted off by a blindside. I’m just not understanding why those four are so confident.

-Speaking of Brendan, he might not want to tell anyone that he’s the CEO of “Bear Naked” food products. The guy has already made millions in his business, so I suggest he keep it to himself. Hey, Brian from “Survivor: Thailand” never told anyone about his illustrious soft porn career and he won. Although if I remember correctly, when they showed a video from home, he had some sweet car that people got suspicious about. Whatever the case, he won. I would just advise Brendan against telling everyone what he does.

-I’m on the fence about Coach. I think he’s kind of a d-bag just looking to get attention from the show, but he’s at least an interesting character to watch. Probst loves the guy and says he’s TV gold. I don’t think that highly of him. I can think of at least more interesting and entertaining characters this show has had in the past. Now, if the guy ends up winning, which I don’t think he will, you can put him in “Richard Hatch” territory. Usually people that are that much of a Type-A, over-the-top personality don’t do well on this show. Nice to see he’s already been canned from his coaching job for doing the show.

“Celebrity Apprentice”

-The old idea of the “Apprentice” got tired since we never heard from these no-names after Trump hired them, and a couple ending up leaving the company within a year anyway. In fact, I have no idea what past winners still even work for him. Hell, I can’t even name all the past winners off the top my head other than Bill Rancic, Kendra Todd, and Randall. Totally forgot who the other ones were and I have no desire to look it up. Yet, I could reel off the final two contestants in every season of “Idol”, so there Trump. Shows you how memorable your show is.

-However, the “Celebrity Apprentice” is a completely different animal. Piers Morgan made the show watchable last season, and the trainwreck “D-list” celebs they got this year might be even better. Dennis Rodman? Really? I honestly can tell you I have no idea what he’s saying when he speaks. None. It’d be nice if he took the marbles out of his mouth when talking. Khloe Kardashian? How about letting me look at Kim’s ass every Sunday night? Khloe looks like Chyna for god’s sakes. Claudia Jordan? A model from “Deal or No Deal”. Wow. They are really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

-I could go on and on about the talentless nobodies on this show, but you watch, you’re well aware. BUT, the show is entertaining. It’s amazing how every single task, there’s always one or two people on each team who are complete f***ups. Seriously. Why can’t there be just one task where everyone on the team listens, they don’t talk over each other, everything gets done on time, and no one bickers with another team member? I’m sure editing has a lot to do with it, but still. I’ve always found it fascinating, especially when it was just regular people with these supposed business credentials, that on the most inane tasks, they couldn’t put their heads together and come up with a good idea. “EEE”? Really? That’s the name of your comic book character? I guarantee you any fifth grader in America could’ve come up with a better name than that. Idiots.

-I’ve never found Tom Green the least bit funny, and how he ever found his way into Drew Barrymores pants is still one of the mysteries of our lifetime, but I was actually on his side during his feud with Scott Hamilton. Now, it’s not to say I didn’t think he was acting like an ass some of the time, I’m just saying they made the right decision by sending Scott Hamilton home. He came up with the ridiculous name, so he has to leave. Fair enough. But I think Tom Green stays around long enough because he’s goofy and the show needs him.

-As far as who I think will win? No clue. I guess the person with the deepest pockets since this is mainly about who can call up their friends and have them donate the most cash. That’s how Piers won. We’re 18 seasons in to “Survivor” yet they can’t do a “Celebrity Survivor” but they’ll do a “Celebrity Apprentice”? That I don’t get. I think “Celebrity Survivor” would kill. Then again, most celebrities are so narcissistic and high maintenance, I’m guessing none of them would even consider going on a show where they’d have to take care of themselves.

“The City”

-I haven’t decided if I hate this show more or less than I hate “The Hills”. I think I may hate it less, but not by much. Whitney is Whitney. We knew what we were getting with her. Nothing too exciting. But these other people they “casted” (yes, all of them were purposely placed on this show and none of them were previously friends with Whitney) are a rather interesting clan. Let’s break it down:

Jay: Never have and never will understand women’s fascination with the underweight, long haired rocker guy. Then again, it’s not like Whitney had a choice since Jay’s an actor and he was placed on the show to be her boyfriend. Whatever. I find nothing appealing about the guy.

Erin: The fact that she even has an interest in her Unabomber-looking boyfriend is just creepy. She’s a cute girl. What is she doing with a guy who looks like he lives on the subway? Immediately I question her sanity.

Adam: Oh this guy is a real winner. Could he be any more retarded if he tried? I don’t even know where to start with this guy. Only problem is, the show is so scripted, I don’t even think any of his actions are real. I mean, when your girlfriend is out of town, and you hook up with a girl knowing that cameras are following you around, then when she confronts you on it you deny it, I mean, the degree of stupidity there is mind boggling.

Allie: I know she models in NY, but not for a second to I find her the least bit attractive. Kelly Cutrone was right for dogging on her weight. And frankly, I don’t have any sympathy for a chick who continually goes back to a doucebag of a cheating boyfriend. She gets what she deserves.

Olivia: My favorite character on the show even though she’s basically not done much all season. Totally not someone I would ever associate myself with because she’s such a name dropper and elitist, but man I’d like to do dirty things with her. And then never call her again.

-I’m glad that Monday is the finale since I don’t have much else to say about the show. Oh hey look, it’s been renewed for a season 2! Gee, I wonder if Jay will actually leave Whitney and they’ll break up for good? Uhhh, I’m guessing no. Only a couple weeks til LC’s last season on the “Hills” starts up. Can’t wait. It’s amazing to think that she started this whole mess.

Wow. That might’ve been the longest “Reality Roundup” column ever. Granted, transcribing Megan’s interview added to the length, but still. I hope this column gets you through your Friday. More and more exciting things coming your way on RealitySteve.com. You don’t want to miss it. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you next week. Take care.

Administrator Interviews, Reality Roundup

-Well, it’s a new year, so I figured it’s time to write again. And since, you know, I haven’t written a “Reality Roundup” in 6 months, I figured, “What the hell? Give the little kiddies something to enjoy.” Yes, I called you all “kiddies”. I have no idea why. I apologize. What would you rather be called? I’m taking suggestions. So I figured since with the Writers Strike going on, and we’re about to be inundated with reality shows, I should probably begin covering them again on a semi-regular basis. Plus, we need to talk about the brilliance of “Newport Harbor: Home for the Holidays”, which just ended up its 4 episode run and restored my faith in a franchise that was fading. The “Real Worlds” most controversial season ends next week, and I definitely have a few takes on that. Plus, the abortion known as “Celebrity Apprentice” graced our television set last night, and needless to say, it was crap. So crappy, I’m going to watch every episode. Can’t help it. But before we begin, a few notes.

-As for the “Bachelor”, here’s what I know about the future of the show. The next season begins March 17th, and I believe either just began filming, or is beginning filming any day now. I do not know who the Bachelor is, although if I tried hard enough, I could probably find out. Last I heard, they’d narrowed it down to three guys – none of which I know. However, this came from a little birdie: After this seasons Bachelor wraps up filming, they will immediately begin on a 4th installment of the “Bachelorette”. And from what I hear, it will be different from the first three in that the Bachelorette will not be a former contestant like Trista, Meredith, and Jen were. It’s going to be a B-list celebrity. That’s what I know so far, so take it for what its worth. If I find out anything else, I’ll let you know if I can.

-The only new reality show to just begin was “Celebrity Apprentice.” However, get ready for an influx of shows to begin within the next month. For those unclear about what shows are starting when, here is the list of them that I will be watching and covering.

Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann – Mon. Jan. 7th
Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew – Thurs. Jan 10th VH1
Rock of Love 2 – Sun. Jan. 13th VH1
Scott Baio is 46…And Pregnant – Sun. Jan. 13th VH1
(For the record, will there be a better Sunday night doubleheader in TV history than those two beginning next week? Yeah, didn’t think so)
American Idol – Tues. Jan. 15 & Wed. Jan. 16th
Gauntlet 3 – Wed. Jan. 23rd MTV
Survivor: Micronesia – Fans vs. Favorites – Thurs. Feb. 7th
And then aaaallllllll the way on March 17th (the same night as the Bachelor), Dancing with the Stars begins again.

There are plenty of other reality shows beginning in the next month that maybe you watch which I don’t. If you want a list of them, go to this link:
http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/schedules/2007_Nov_30_winter_2007_2008

-I didn’t watch “A Shot at Love” with Tila the Whore, but I was very familiar with exactly what went on, and read all the reports how she’s not really bi, has had a boyfriend for 5 years, how she acted like a complete diva on the set and was a train wreck to work with. Well, when I saw the final ratings numbers for the show I pretty much knew where this show was headed….for a second season. And sure enough, just to drive the dagger in a little deeper to that pipsqueak she actually chose, she announced on her hosting gig on New Year’s Eve, that she was single and that Bobby had broken up with her because of her “hectic work schedule”. Huh? She works? Being a MySpace hooker constitutes a job nowadays? I didn’t know that. Of course, this was all news to Bobby who said that since the finale finished taping, he hadn’t spoken to Tila once, and the producers wouldn’t give him her number. So yet another example for all those out there who think this tramp is actually looking for a partner on television, ummmm, she’s not. Maybe another disease, but not another partner. And could someone please tell me how that asexual chick made it to the final two. She looked like Hillary Swank’s character in “Boys Don’t Cry”. You’d think Tila would be into the lipstick lesbians. Ummmm…not quite. That “shim” was hideous.

-As for “Survivor: Micronesia”, the cast of returning All Stars has been revealed. It’s going to be 10 former players vs. 10 new players, all of whom are big fans of the show. Definitely an interesting mix of “All Stars” that they brought back. I mean, remember, the first “All-Star” edition had 4 former winners on the show, and some of the all-time most memorable players the game had ever seen. This one? Ummm, not so much. Unless Jonathon from “Survivor: Cook Islands” gets your blood boiling. They are all recognizable players from seasons past – Yau Man, Ozzy, and James and Amanda from this past season – but no one that really gets you going “Wow! They’re back!” Well, maybe except one. Johnny Fairplay. But even he isn’t a big deal, because we’ve seen that guy whore himself out on numerous other reality shows since Survivor. And get back flipped off Danny Bonaduce’s back at that one awards show. I don’t know. I’m definitely looking forward to it, but there’s no doubt it’ll have a different feel than the first All-Stars season, which was strictly just a game of former players going against each other.

CELEBRITY APPRENTICE

-I was really going to come on here and just annihilate this show for being so horrible, and how can anyone watch this anymore, that the Donald has turned into a character of himself, that these are the 14 most C-list celebrities you could’ve possibly come up with……and then I saw the ratings came out. 11 million people watched. 11 MILLION! Are you kidding me? I guess it’s time for me to make a plea to the other 10,999,999 people who watched along with me: Ask yourself at what point your life passed you by. Hey, at least I can come to grips with that fact, since it happened a while ago for me. Probably the time I started writing a blog recapping EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the “Bachelor”. Lord, shoot me. But what’s your excuse people?

-I mean, these are the “14 of the most sucessful celebrities” in America? Marilu Henner? She was on “Taxi”, right? And that was in the 1970’s, correct? Ok, just checking. Stephen Baldwin? He’s not even the most sucessful Baldwin brother. Nadia Comenici? A Russian gymnast back in the 70’s is a successful celebrity in America in 2008? Really? I could go on, but you get my point. And the funniest thing about the whole thing is, Trump went on his media tour promoting the show, and was telling everyone who’ll listen how many celebrities he had to TURN DOWN that wanted to be on the show. Uhhh, sure you did, Donald. If these are the “elite” 14, I can only imagine who didn’t make the cut. Did the voice of “Alf” not quite have what it takes? How close was the black guy who makes noises from “Police Academy” to making it? And how can a “Celebrity Apprentice” be a “Celebrity Apprentice” without the Dad from “Silver Spoons?”

-I wonder if the Donald paid for Omarosa’s boob job? Holy crap. Yeah, she’s totally in this for charity. This has nothing to do with promoting herself. Not a chance. She’s such a grounded, strong, hard working woman that is totally above self promotion. Give me Jenni Finch for 60 minutes, and that’s the only way I’ll be happy with this show. Especially since the Playboy chick with the giant cans is gone now. What was that all about? Donald says, “We just let the nicest person in the competition go. But since she didn’t prostitute Hugh Hefner out for a $10 grand donation, she has no business being on our show.” I know they’re going to talk all season about how much money they’ve raised for charity, but the challenges basically become a moot point, since based off the premiere, it’s all about who can get their richest friends to donate the most. Great show.
-Selling hot dogs in New York City? That’s the best we could come up with in the premiere episode? How insulting. Just think if you’re the dirty old man down the street in NYC, whose job is to wake up every day, brush your twelve teeth, not put on your deodorant, and try and make a hard earned buck with your hot dog vending business on the streets of downtown. Your day is going well, people are buying from you, and all the sudden, these pretentious a-holes show up and completely upstage you by getting their rich friends to pay 10 G’s for a bottled water and undercooked dog? I bet you feel real good about yourself.

DANCE WAR: BRUNO VS. CARRIE ANN

-As much as I enjoy “Dancing with the Stars”, this show has the “Apprentice: Martha Stewart” edition written all over it. I think this might be overkill. I’m going to give it a chance and see what it has to offer, but I can see what ABC is doing here. It’s like when they put “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” on every night of the week and destroyed the franchise. I wonder if this is a genius move to generate more viewers, or will end up hurting “Dancing with the Stars”. I guess with the Writers Strike, it’s pretty much something they’re forced to do though. So maybe I’m being harsh and they have no choice.

-Lets face it, no matter what, the show wont draw the ratings that Dancing with the Stars does. Impossible. And there’s one giant reason for that: Bruno is a main character. Bruno is a cartoon character, he’s tolerable in doses, but someone seems to think he could easily be the focus of a show. And I couldn’t disagree more. Have him on “Dancing” with his scripted one-liners, have him pretend to pick fights with Len, and let him scream out “10!” while he shoots his left arm up in the air….just don’t give him his own show. Even if you’re coupling him with that cougar Carrie Ann.

CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DREW

-Really all you need to know about this show is it follows the lives of nine different “celebrities” that are going through drug rehab. And what a impressive list of nine train wrecks this is:

Jamiee Foxworth – “Family Matters”. Shouldn’t Urkel be the one on this show trying to rehab his career?

Seth “Shifty” Binzer – lead singer of “Crazytown”. Can’t say I’m the least bit surprised to learn the lead singer of something called “Crazytown” is a drug addict.

Ricco Rodriguez – former UFC Heavyweight champion. I have no idea who this guy is.

Daniel Baldwin – ummm, one of the Baldwin brothers. I think the Baldwin brothers, sans Alex, should all just have their own reality show talking about how they’re gravytraining off their only successful brother.

Brigette Nielson – dumpster for Flava Flav and Sylvester Stallone. She’s a giant, sloppy mess. And I can’t wait to see her fall off the wagon.

Chyna – the chick with the penis that used to wrestle. She’s an embarrassment. Hence another reason I’ll be watching.

SCOTT BAIO IS 46…AND PREGNANT

-Probably the surprise reality show of last season for me. I never thought I’d have as much interest in Charles as I would, but I found this show to be hilarious and actually somewhat depressing last season. I mean, this guy actually was struggling with whether or not he wanted to continue bedding a bunch of hot women in Hollywood or settle down. Notice how it was never revealed last season whether or not Scott Baio actually still had a penis? Coincidence? I think not. My guess is “no”.

-So this season we get to see his wedding which took place in December, and the birth of his daughter. Now, didn’t this whole thing just work out too conveniently for VH1? I mean, c’mon. Maybe he really did decide he wanted to settle down. And maybe he really did want to have a family. But it’s hilarious how he came to the decision to stay with his girlfriend DURING THE SEASON 1 FINALE, and whaddya’ know, she’s pregnant too! Well, well, well. What a perfect set up for a 2nd season! Imagine that? And perfect timing that they have the wedding and the birth of the child for season 2 as well. No, this show isn’t scripted at all.

ROCK OF LOVE 2

-I can only imagine what the skank level on the show this season will be considering what we got in season 1. I’m sure it’s off the charts. I think it was probably a pre-requisite that you had an STD before you could even consider sending in an application. And don’t be surprised if we get a visit from Heather and Lacey again, I’m sure that’s in store. Jess? Not so much. She seemed to enjoy her time on that show about as much as Britney likes spending time with her kids. Locked up in a bathroom with police beating down the door. And drugged out. Supposedly.

-Seriously, as long as Brett Michaeld DOESN’T end up staying with one of these prostitutes in the end, why would they possibly not continue to have seasons of it? Just like “Shot at Diseases with Tila Tequila”, and “Flavor of Love”, and “I Love New York”, these producers are BEGGING for it not to work out so they can do another season. Let me ask you this, did you ever stop for more than 5 seconds when you passed VH1 flipping channels before these shows started? Didn’t think so. It’s genius programming really. I had no idea VH1 was still a channel until these shows started. I thought they were still playing “Right Here Waiting” videos by Richard Marx.

-I can’t imagine what “challenges they have in store for us this season. Seriously, is there any possible way that they’re gonna beat a phone sex challenge? “All right ladies, let’s see who gets Brett’s blood flowing down there the most. Ready….Go!” I still can’t believe I saw that. I mean, hey, if phone sex is your thing, have at it. I’m sure it’s a turn on for some out there. Of course, yours truly would never partake in such a matter. But I know there are those out there that do. And to you I say, “Bravo! You go with your sexuality.” But do you really need to do it on a reality show watched by millions of people? Seems rather embarrassing. I’m guessing it’s something you do in private, under your covers late at night, with your man miles away, panting away….and…ummmm….anyway, let’s move on.

NEWPORT HARBOR: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

-You know what? Maybe I’m just an idiot, and it’ll sound funny coming from the guy who’s told you what not to like about reality TV shows, but I honestly think that Chrissy and Clay are one of the more genuine couples we’ve ever seen on these lame high school shows, and I hope they stay together. There. I said it. I thought that was a really cool ending in the “finale”. Kinda shocked she gave up on Santa Barbara after a semester for what seems like just wanting to be closer to Clay (that’s dangerous territory she’s getting into – just ask Kylie and Chase), but I actually don’t cringe anymore when I watch those two together. I like them. Whether or not they’ll last is a whole different story because we gotta remember, they’re still teenagers, but I’m rooting for them. I’m gonna go put my tampon in now.

-The funny thing is, I’m as guilty as the next person, when this show first started, I was immediately looking for who the player was, and Clay was the guy I had pegged. I was just waiting for him to turn into a Jason Wahler and start boinking every chick in the Harbor. So good for him. Actually a guy you can get behind on that show. Is it a mancrush? No. But I definitely like that guy a lot more than past douchebags they’ve had on this show. He and Grant are both likable. Hey, guys wanna go grab a bite? Maybe do some surfing? Dude, I’ll use my ID to score us some brews. Ummm, did I just ask a couple teenagers if I could hang out with them? I’m a loser.

-Nice to see that Allie’s parents built a house the size of Hearst Castle. You know, I found it odd last season when Allie booked her own summer trip to Europe on her parents credit card and they really didn’t flip out on her like normal parents would. Until now. I mean, I saw their house now and realized a European vacation on their credit card bill might look like an order of Macaroni Grill does on mine. Like it even made a dent in their bank account. I just have one question about Allie: Will her little troll friend be attached at her when she gets married too? That relationship is getting a little scary.

-Good to see Chase’s decision to move to San Diego to be closer to that hottie Kylie is really looking like it’s gonna pan out…..for her. That chick is like a dude. She’s gonna have her cake and eat it too. She suckered this boy in to wanting to move to Santa Barbara to be closer to her, then when he actually does, they’re going to encounter nothing but problems. She’ll be standoff-ish, he’ll be like, “What’s wrong?”, she’ll be like, “You’re smothering me”, they’ll get in a few wicked fights, and before you know it, Chase will be back in Newport wishing he didn’t let that little nugget Taylor get away. But she’ll be all up in some else’s drawers, Chase will have no choice but to be lonely flogging his dolphin on a nightly basis. The End. I wrote that so the high school crowd could appreciate it. Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress.

-I’m gonna wait until I see the finale of “RW: Sydney” to write about my thoughts this season. And boy, are there plenty. How Noireen is probably the hottest girlfriend any male castmember has ever picked up on that show, the depatures of Trisha and Shauvon and her cans, Isaac immediately becoming everyone’s favorite RW member in the history of the show, Kelly Anne and Cohutta’s condom escapade, and the enigma that’s known as Parisa. I’ve never gone back and forth on someone so much in the history of this show as I do with Parisa. Sometimes I want to tell her to shut the f*** up, and sometimes I just want to lay pipe to her. So check back soon to find out my answer. Until next time….

Administrator Reality Roundup Reality Roundup

It’s been a couple weeks, and I never even covered the “Age of Love” finale, so I’ll get to that first. My TiVo is overflowing with shows right now, so pardon me if I don’t get to everything. And you think the summertime is where not a lot of television is going on. Not anymore. Every time I look, a new show is starting up that I want to check out. It’s really getting annoying. I mean, how is one supposed to juggle ten women at a time with all my shows going on? And by “ten women”, I mean “none at all”. So now it makes more sense. However, if by the small miracle ten women did appear in my life, they’d still have to deal with me watching my shows. Sorry ladies. Those are the rules. So with that temptation, take a number and get in line.

AGE OF LOVE

-Can’t really say any of us were surprised by the outcome, were we? No matter how much they wanted to make you think it was Jen during the finale, it was pretty obvious Amanda was going to win this thing. Let’s be honest, deep down, you didn’t really think he was going to choose someone who was 18 years older than him with a son who was 5 years younger than him, did you? Me neither. He liked Amanda from the beginning, she was the right age for him, they seemed to get along, and, as fake as they are, she had great cans. Match made in heaven if you ask me. One thing I enjoyed about the finale was how they tricked out that final scene when he told Jen to beat it. That was an interesting touch where they kept going back and forth real quick and you never really knew who he was saying what to. All part of their plan to continue to make us think he’d pick Jen. Didn’t work, JD Roth. We’re onto you.

-I wonder how disappointed the producers and NBC were with the outcome? Not necessarily because he picked Amanda over Jen, but what Jen’s reaction was afterwards. NBC had been pitching this show since the very beginning as a “social experiment that asks the question, ‘Does age really matter?’”. Well, did you hear what Jen said after she got sent packing? It was basically, “If I were younger, Mark would’ve picked me.” Oops. Gee, I guess age does matter then. So much for that experiment. Glad that worked out for ya’. They could doll the show up as much as they wanted, but in the end, Mark chose the younger piece of ass over the former Playboy model.

-Yes, that’s right. Our very own Jen Braff used to be in Playboy. I must apologize for not doing my homework and not finding this out until after the show had aired. How stupid of me. Yep, Playboy. And Hawaiian Tropic model. And numerous other modeling jobs where she didn’t have her shirt on and covered up her girls with her arms. Don’t believe me? Head on over to www.jenniferbraff.com. You’ll see. But seriously, should any of us be surprised by this? She works for the owner of the Lakers (a fixture at the Playboy mansion), she’s got an incredible body, she’s attractive, and she’s just about the best looking 48 year old woman I’ve ever seen. I would’ve been disappointed if she was never in Playboy. Now my goal is to go find out which issue she was in so I can read the articles.

-The Playboy thing all made sense to me after watching the finale. Jen definitely never hid her sexuality all season, but for her to let Mark in on how many times in a row she reached the Big O in one night during their gondola ride, well, let’s just say that seemed a little out of character. “So yeah, I really like you, I love spending time with you, this has been an amazing journey, and by the way, I once climaxed 10 times in one night. Pick me.” Ahhh, those Playboy playmates. Just oozing with class I tell ya’. Where the hell did that come from? Who offers that information like that? Man, the producers must’ve really gotten in her ear and told her to say something naughty so Mark picks her. She does, and she still gets the boot. I wonder how her 25 year old son feels about watching his mother on dating show telling some scrubby tennis playing stranger how much she likes to get off? Bizarre. I’m sure his friends haven’t given him crap for that. Of course, I’m also sure that his friends enjoyed the hell out of it since they all want to doink her.

-Will Mark and Amanda last? Probably not. She comes across as a little too star struck, and he comes across as a no personality dweeb that likes chasing tail. Since it was a social experiment, I was beginning to wonder if Mark learned anything through this journey. And then in the finale, he told us he did when he said, “We have a saying in Australia, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’”. Wow. How deep. Those Australians sure are quite the philosophers, aren’t they? Don’t judge a book by its cover? I think I remember hearing that phrase for the first time in about 3rd grade. So Mark will never again judge a book by its cover. That’s good to know. Yet he still picked the 25 year old with the fake melons. Television is the greatest.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT

-I’ve actually gotten a little more interested after they weeded out that Fake Shakira crap and the Unibrow dude who danced like a freak. So we’re down to the ventriloquist, Butterscotch, Cas Haley, and the little girl. If I had to guess, I’d say either Butterscotch or the ventriloquist will win, just because they both do something unique. Butterscotch might have trouble winning since we just saw a beat boxer on “Idol” this year, so although its original, it’s still fresh in people’s minds. Not only have I not seen a ventriloquist as good as that guy, but he sings and does impressions? Who else does that? I’ve never been a big fan of dudes who’s act revolves around shoving their hand up the backside of some fluffy sock, but I’ll give it up to him and say he’s talented. I hope he wins.

THE SINGING BEE

-Is there a problem with me enjoying the hell out of this show? I don’t know what it is. Is it the little dancers in the skimpy bee outfits that add absolutely nothing to the show? Is it Joey Fatone trying to act as cheesy as humanly possible? Is it the fact that every contestant who makes it up on stage has White Man’s Disease when it comes to dancing? Is it the fact that they sing, “It’s the Final Countdown!” before the last round? The list goes on. All I know is that when you wrap that altogether, you get a show that I can’t keep my eyes off of. Brilliance. And yes, like I predicted, it’s already been picked up for the fall season and will be on twice a week. It’s the new “Deal or No Deal”. But only 1,000 times better and worse at the same time.

Things I’ve noticed about this show:

-Have you noticed that in every episode, there’s at least one female contestant who’s very, shall we say, “juggy”? Yeah, me too. Never fails.

-That when Joey Fatone goes into the audience to get the six contestants, no matter how bad or good they are, they make it on stage. Probably the editing here, but please, some of those people only have to utter about 3 words, and they make it on stage.

-That the words to the song in the beginning of the show that gets the contestants on stage is scrolling above where the singers and dancers are. So basically you have to be a single digit IQ’er to not make it up there.

-The singers they use are looking at the words as well when they sing. There’s a little screen in front of them they’re always glancing down at. So you expect these contestants to know all the words when you’re singers don’t? Sounds fair.

-In the final round, if it’s come down the 7th and final song, every one that has gotten that far has gotten it right and won the $50,000. Probably because that’s always the easiest song of the seven.

-Some of the contestants take this show waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too seriously. And I’m convinced that every person who is in the audience participating in this show is forced to drink a case of Red Bull before the show starts. There’s no way everyone in attendance can be that happy all the time.

APPRENTICE

-Yes, the “Apprentice”. I know this show is probably the furthest thing from your mind right now, and it should be since the last 2 or 3 seasons of this show have sucked. But after this morning’s latest rumor from New York’s Page Six, I think it’s safe to say if they’re able to pull this off, this might be the greatest TV show ever. NBC hasn’t announced when the next edition of the “Apprentice” will air, but we do know that it’ll be a “celebrity” edition. And I use the term “celebrity” very loosely. These “celebrities” won’t be competing for a job under Trump, but for a charity of their choice. Here’s who is already confirmed for the show:

Jim Cramer – that wacky, screaming money guy on television
Carmen Electra – the hottie who was in my dream last night
Joan Rivers – the old prune with the stretched face
Naomi Judd – is this the fat one?
George Foreman – there is nothing he won’t do to get in front of the camera
Omarosa – from Season 1 and resident beyotch
Kimora Lee Simmons – Russell Simmons’ ex wife
Pete Rose – the greatest con artist in sports history
Danica Patrick – IRL racing’s little hot nugget
Tony Hawk – he rides skateboards and stuff
Jeff Gordon – Jeff Gordon? Doesn’t he have a weekly job he has to do?

So it’s an interesting cast to say the least. But here’s the kicker that Page Six is reporting: The Donald is currently in negotiations with Britney, Paris, and Lindsay. Are you f***ing kidding me? Say what you want about the “Apprentice” as a show, but if the Donald is able to somehow rope Britney, Paris, and Lindsay onto the same reality show, the earth might explode. Let’s pray this comes about. This could easily shatter ratings records. So a little note to Britney, Paris, and Lindsay, courtesy of Reality Steve:

Ladies,
I’ve never asked much of you, other than to quit giving fellatio on camera, or putting on 50 lbs and dropping your children, or wearing your friends jeans that have grams of coke in them. But if any of you want to earn your reputations back, here is your chance. You must appear on this show. All together. And share a room. Even a bed if you’d like. Make this happen for the sake of all humanity.

Sincerely,
Reality Steve

ROCK OF LOVE

-You know what the funniest thing is about this show? Other than the fact that an STD test apparently wasn’t part of the screening process. That Brett Michaels is doing is damndest to convince us that he’s really looking for love. Really Brett? Out of this group of ladies? And by “ladies”, I mean “whores”. There isn’t a single female left on that show I’m convinced wouldn’t take off all her clothes for $10. And Heather would probably pay you so she could strip. I don’t think the words “bra” or “panties” are in her vocabulary. Not only is Brett trying to convince us he’s looking for love, but even Sam is too. She even said in one episode, “I’m not here to get off, I’m here to find a relationship.” Well, wrong show honey. Go hump Scott Baio. Or maybe the new Bachelor wants a pale, tatted up chick with emotional issues. But if you’re not there to get Brett off, then you certainly don’t need to hang around much longer.

-In case anyone hasn’t noticed, Brett likes to have sex with women. And multiple women at the same time if he can. You know, like the night he had the foursome with Lacey, Brandi, and Heather. I have it on good authority that those bed sheets are now carrying the ebola virus. They’ve been sent off to Washington D.C. for lab studies. It’s really amazing that a lot of these girls actually want to win this thing and be Brett’s play toy. Isn’t it funny to hear some of them say, “Yeah, she’s too insecure. She’s not going to be able to deal with Brett’s womanizing and partying ways.” So they actually have no problem with the fact that Brett will continue to tour 6-9 months out of the year, continue to sleep with numerous women, and continue to drink until his liver is the size of an M&M? This doesn’t bother them at all? If I brought any of these chicks home to my parents, I think they would disown me. Except maybe Mia. We don’t know much about her, but compared to everyone else, she’s like the Virgin Mary.

-It must’ve been extremely hard for Brett to send home Magdelena last night. They had built such a strong, physical and emotional connection, it makes you think that maybe he made a giant mistake. Maybe she didn’t open up her heart to him as much as she should’ve, but does that mean it was time for her to go? Maybe Brett was being fed false information from the two conniving witches, Lacey and Heather? Maybe Magdelena was too tall for him and he only likes dating shorter women? I don’t know. I’m so confused. I just didn’t see that one coming. Although maybe, just maybe, Brett couldn’t deal with the fact that Magdelena was a dude. That could be it too.

-You know who else I was disappointed to see leave us? Rodeo. Boy, she sure was a bundle of fun. Dressed like a hooker, had the worst smokers laugh I’d ever heard, and had biceps that rivaled Jessica Biel’s now. Look, I’m definitely on Team Jessica, and I’m all for a chick who takes care of herself and goes to the gym, but Jessica, ease up on the bicep curls. I’m getting scared. Back to Rodeo, did anyone else find it odd that she was crying hysterically (which was pretty much every episode), because she didn’t get to go on her “dream date and ride horses with Brett?” That was your dream date with Brett? Don’t set your expectations too high now sweetie. Wouldn’t want you to be disappointed. Now go home to your son and explain to him how mommy just made an ass of herself on TV.

-Never have I been more excited about a cameo appearance than I was by Richard Blade showing up a couple weeks ago to help judge that god awful singing competition they had. We all remember Richard Blade, don’t we? For fear of exposing myself as a fan of yet another 80’s teen chick movie, Richard was DTV’s DJ in “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”. Hey, I have an older sister, all right. She watched it religiously. C’mon now. Everyone in unison, let’s all say his famous line: “Now where is that Rickey?” Oh God. Next thing you know, I’ll try and play “Tune in Tokyo” on my next date.

-Is it just me, or does every Brett Michaels song released after 1990 all sound like “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”? I know every slow song he’s tried to play on this show sure does. And now that I’ve mentioned “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”, I know that everyone reading this column who’s at least 27 or 28 years old, probably has a coinciding story to go along with that song. Like the time you couples skated for the first time with a boy. Or the time when your boyfriend made you a slow song tape and that was the first song on Side 1. Or the time you were making out in the backseat of your car at the park while it was on, and the police showed up shining their flashlight on you right as you were…..never mind.

SCOTT BAIO IS 45.…AND SINGLE

-As much as I applaud Scott Baio for trying to do something that might change his womanizing ways, I can’t help but think he might not be doing a lot of this for the camera. I guess we won’t find out until he proposes, or doesn’t propose, to his girlfriend, but it seems like you’re asking an awful lot of the guy to cut all his ties with ex’s, dump his best friend, and decide whether or not he wants to get married in 8 weeks. Sure, he’s been dragging his feet for the last 45 years, but hey, maybe he’s a procrastinator. Maybe the guy has done a complete 180 and is ready to marry his girlfriend, but he’s admitted to cheating on every girlfriend he’s ever had. If you were his girlfriend, wouldn’t you be just a little bit skeptical of thinking you’re the one who’s going to change him? She either has a high opinion of herself, or she’s delusional. Or both. Honey, Scott cheated on Pamela Anderson. And Heather Locklear. Something tells me he might have a fling or ten when he’s with you. Just a hunch.

-I’m surprised it took Doc Ali to convince Scott that he needed to rid himself of Johnny V as a friend. A typical case of a hanger-on. Like that guy would be friends with Scott Baio if his name wasn’t Scott Baio. And by the way, if I’m 50 years old acting like that, feel free to throw me into counseling as well. What a loser. When you’re 50, you shouldn’t be mud wrestling with girls who could be your daughters. As much as you want to pretend you’re still in your 20’s, you’re not. Get a grip, JV. You’re a middle aged man with nothing going for him other than you know Scott Baio. Quit trying to chase young skirt all the time and get a job. Maybe he has one, I don’t know. Maybe you can learn something from hanging out with Wayne from the “Wonder Years”. He’s married with kids and doesn’t act like a douche.

REAL WORLD: SYDNEY

-Since there’s only been two episodes, let me just give you my impression of the castmates:

Isaac: Will screw anything with a pulse. At some point this season, he’ll go on a drunken tirade and make one of the girls cry. Probably the most likely cast member to get in a fist fight, get arrested, or both. Prime candidate for a domestic violence charge against him in the future.

Dunbar: The southern dude with the muscles and the girlfriend back home that’ll eventually hop in Kelly Anne’s pants because he can’t control himself. Or, he’ll just be kind enough to break up with girlfriend over the phone, just in time for Kelly Anne to give him a naked lap dance.

Cohutta: I think he’s still in awe of the running water that they have in the house. And the electricity. And the fact that there are no horse and buggys showing them around town. Plus, the idea of hooking up with a female who isn’t his cousin excites him to no end. He will be fun to watch.

Kelly Anne: Hottie. And a c*** tease. Those types usually make for good television. Any female who has no regard for the fact that a guy has a girlfriend, usually is setting herself up for some major drama. Will hook up with more than 3 guys while in Australia.

Trisha: Hottie. And has bad highlights. Honestly, I’m still having trouble telling Trisha and Shauvon apart. Shauvon’s got the much bigger rack, but when these two are talking to each other, it’s like they’re standing in front of a mirror. They look the same, they dress the same, their hair is the same, and they’ll probably be hooking up with the same guys.

Shauvon: Hottie. And just left her fiancee, so she is most definitely on the prowl. As evidenced by the tongue fight her and Isaac got into on the first day. I have a feeling that Shauvon’s giant breasts will play a major role this season. Call me crazy. And she will hook up with just about anything that Australia has to offer.

Parisa: I’m intrigued by her. She will definitely piss off everyone in the house at some point, yet you know in the end, she will be everyone’s friend, and will be the girl who “learned so much from this experience.” Count on it.

NEWPORT HARBOR

-Yet another show that’s only one episode in, so there isn’t too much to talk about just yet. However, this might be the first of these seasons where someone’s parents play a huge role in what happens. I mean, are you kidding me? Tell me Chrissy’s parents didn’t call her 8 different times during the first episode? I understand when you’re in high school, your parents are strict, but that was ridiculous. Those parents should be sent away and Chrissy should be allowed to raise herself. Curfew at 11? Can’t be alone in the same room with a boy? I’d run away if I were her. Talk about being socially scarred for life. Get over yourself, Mom and Dad. Let the girl have a little fun. Especially when she’s about to get a little play.

-I liked how the ending of the first episode was eerily similar to the ending of the first episode of Season 2 of “Laguna Beach”. You know what I’m talking about? The one where Kristin is in the limo with all her girlfriends singing “Since You’ve Been Gone”, while they camera goes to a shot of Lauren and Stephen in the hot tub. Not to be outdone was seeing Chrissy in bed probably around 8:00, shutting off her light, then we get to see Clay inviting Allie into his house for a late night nookie session. Outstanding. I’m sure Clay wasn’t put off at all by the fact that Chrissy’s parents pack her lunch every day with milk and cookies. Of course he wasn’t, hence the reason Allie came over. They probably were just gonna play a board game or watch a movie too. I love high school.

-One thing I’m a little confused about is that they didn’t seem to be starting this season at the beginning of their senior year. If I’m not mistaken, Chrissy started off the show by saying, “My senior year is winding down….” and the Palm Springs trip, I’m assuming, was taking place around Spring Break. But then when Chrissy and her friend were playing tennis, I could’ve sworn she had said, “I can’t believe we only have one year left of playing together”. I really, really, really, really, really shouldn’t care so much about this, but I’m an overanalyzer, so I do. Some clarification would be nice.

THE HILLS

-Of course, we save the best for last. Hopefully you read the last entry I put into this column which was a link to Heidi’s first “single” that was released last week on Ryan Sescrests radio show. If you haven’t, you must. Just to say that you did. And so that the song will remain stuck in your head the rest of the day. It’s very clubby, very sampled, and doesn’t show any of Heidi’s vocal skills whatsoever, but damn it if I didn’t break out the running man to it a few times. Ummm…kidding. I think.

-I realized something after watching the show last week. As much as I was looking forward to the “Hills”, and as good as it was, the problem with the show now is that anyone who reads the internet or subscribes to US Weekly already knows what happens. We’re basically seeing play out to what we‘ve already read. Just in the first episode, we knew Spencer and Heidi got engaged, and we knew Lauren was pissed at Heidi for thinking she leaked a Lauren/Jason sex tape. Not that I don’t enjoy the show tremendously, it just sucks that we pretty much know what’s going to happen. At least to Heidi, Spencer, and Lauren. Then again, that didn’t seem to matter in the ratings, as the premiere drew the highest rating ever for that show. So apparently people don’t care. Maybe I shouldn’t either.

-So, was that the actual proposal of Heidi and Spencer? He didn’t even ask her to marry him. And it took him a whole 23 seconds to purchase a ring from a store not even known for selling engagement rings. Clever editing. That couldn’t possibly have been their real engagement. No way. Let’s be honest here: If Spencer was not in the music industry, and didn’t have ties to record labels, and sound studios, and David Foster’s back pocket, there’s no doubt Heidi wouldn’t be with him. That relationship is all a matter of convenience, no matter how you look at it. She knows it, he knows it, and we know it. Ten years from now when she looks back at this, she’ll be laughing at what she was doing with him. You just kinda wish she’d see that now, but she doesn’t.

-Like anyone could ever get away with spray painting “HOLLYWOOD” on their living room wall without their girlfriend/spouse/fiancee not going ape sh** about it. How she handled herself after seeing that mess on the wall is beyond me. Who does that? What a complete d-bag. Nice touch in the brand new apartment, Sponge Bob. Nothing says “I Love You” more than gangster’ing out your living room to look like the underpass on the 405 freeway. An interior decorator, you are not. Just go back to throwing Lauren under the bus in radio interviews. Seems to be the only thing you’re good at. I don’t know Lauren, but I do feel sorry for her that she’s got a rather unflattering nickname going around in Hollywood right now. Whether or not its true is beside the point. It’s already out there, so there are people that are going to believe it. Let’s just say it’s a two word phrase that deals with female hygiene. One you buy at the grocery store, and one you buy at the home store. You figure it out.

Well, that’s it for this week. Remember last “Reality Roundup”, I told you I was working something for the site, but that I didn’t want to jinx anything? Well, now I’m working on two things, and one could happen sooner than the other. I’ll give you a hint: It’s an interview with a contestant that was on a show covered in this column. I have been in email contact with this person, they said they would do it, and now we are just coordinating schedules on when it can be done. If I had to guess, I’d say it happens sometime this week, so keep checking back. Until then, send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com, check out the Reality Steve MySpace page at myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week…..

Administrator Reality Roundup Reality Roundup

A lot to get to this week. Trista and Ryan had their baby over the weekend. Lindsay wears other friends pants that happen to have grams of coke in them. Britney went crazy and took her kids to Vegas. I discovered “Rock of Love” on VH1. And we have the debut date of “Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County” on MTV, which is replacing “Laguna Beach”. Yeah, Newport Harbor and Laguna Beach are essentially the same thing. No real big difference. Spoiled, rich, white kids who live just a little bit up the coast from the Laguna Beachers. Can’t wait to see that. But first, as I mentioned last column, I have more “Tales from the Gym”. It’s inevitable. It’s physically impossible to not go to the gym and have some story to tell afterwards – and I don’t even talk to anyone in there. Just do my workout and leave. Unbelievable.

-I’m always curious as to what type of music is playing at the gym. For me, I always have my ipod in regardless, but every once in a while, I’ll be able to hear what’s playing in the background. And let me just say, someone needs to tell Fergie to stop informing us how “Fergalicious” she is. That song is on EVERY DAMN TIME I’m in there. If there was ever a poster woman for a “butter face”, it’d be her. She looks like E.T. when Elliot and Gertie dressed him up with a blonde wig and lipstick. I can’t believe Josh Duhamel is wasting his time with that thing. There is absolutely nothing “licious” about Fergie. Great body, but for the life of me, you couldn’t pay me to have to look at her during sex. I’ll think of baseball or trucks or something. Blech.

-Now, I am no power lifter by any means. I go to the gym for cardio and weights to get toned, not to become a body builder. But there is nothing funnier than being at the gym watching the body builders go through their routine. And its especially funny when there’s a woman who walks by who’s half way decent looking. It’s like this is the last weight they’ll ever lift in their life. Straining, making noises, sweating profusely, then they’ll drop the weights really hard, and get up and do that body builder walk where their arms are way out to the side. It’s amazing to me how these guys can even reach their penis. Unless you’re doing it professionally for money, is there a reason you need to be that big? Do women like guys that look like they can bench press your car? Unless you’re a fitness buff yourself, seems like the answer to that would be “no”. Especially if you’re on the tiny, petite side. The sense of “Oh my God, this man would cut off all my circulation if he was on top of me” would seem to come into play.

-So what did I learn from television at the gym this week? Well, the Dow Jones took a huge plunge, the Iphone isn’t selling worth a damn like they expected it to, Michael Vick is a degenerate dog killer, Ellen loves dancing her whole show, “Passions” is still the most whack soap opera on television, and frankly, there’s nothing good on television at 2:00 in the afternoon – ever. Same shows, every day. Maybe I should just get a video ipod and get caught up on some shows or something. Ooooooh, you know what else I learned? That John Travolta is as gay as a parade. It was an old interview he did on “Ellen” when he was promoting that lame ass biker movie he was in. What has happened to Danny Zucko? And enough with that Kelly Preston front you’re putting on. No one believes that. He’s officially let the T-Birds down.

AGE OF LOVE

-When I tell you I’m gonna do something, I deliver. I told you last column I would have all the lyrics to “Age of Love’s” theme song, and by golly, I do. It actually pains me to type out these lyrics, but I’m a man of my word. Here you go…..

Mmmmmmmm…..Hmmmmm…..Whoa Whoa Whoa
Who’s got the look?! I don’t know the answer to that question
Who has the look?! If I knew I would tell you
What’s the look?! Looks for your information…
It’s the one thing…the one thing…that still holds true
That’s the look, that’s the look….The look of Love….
That’s the look, that’s the look….The look of Love….
That’s the look, that’s the look….The look of Love….

Ummmm, what the hell does that mean? Who wrote this, a 7th grader who just got his first girlfriend? Who’s the got the look? I’ll tell you who: none of the girls left on this show, that’s for sure.

-The one thing this show has preaches from its first episode is that they’re conducting a social experiment by asking the question, “Does age really matter?” Well, regardless of who he chooses, are we really going to get that question answered? I mean, Jennifer is 48 years old with a 25 year old son. I’m guessing it’ll be her and Amanda in the finals since Maria doesn’t even seem to like Mark, and I’m still trying to figure out what he even sees in her. She is the most unattractive of the cougars, by far. But whatever. This is a guy who’s dumped Adelaide, Tessa, and Jayanna. So who am I to say I know what he’s thinking. And we’ll get to Jayanna’s ouster in a second. I’m still in shock over that one. So if it does come down to Jennifer and Amanda, even though we haven’t heard him say one way or another (or maybe we did and I forgot), but I’m assuming Mark wants kids. If that’s the case, why would he choose Jennifer? I’m guessing Jennifer doesn’t want to be popping out another kid at the ripe ol’ age of 50. Just know that if Mark does choose Jennifer, then its completely staged for ratings. Because there’s not a chance in hell if he chooses her that they stay together. That’s obvious.

-Interesting note about Kelli who was eliminated a couple weeks ago. I must make an apology. I think I may have commented about how I didn’t think she was attractive at all. Or maybe something about her eyebrows. Whatever the case, I take it back. She is hot. She made an appearance on the “Chelsea Handler Show” this week and looked unbelievable. Probably lost a good 20 lbs since the show and her eyebrows weren’t halfway up her forehead. Wow. That’s a mighty fine piece right there. Looks even better than she did in these photos:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0111638/

Yes, that’s right my friends, she played Samantha Sanders on an episode of “BH 90210” 17 years ago. I knew I liked her for some reason. So since it was only one episode, was this a long lost sister of Steve’s that we never got to see? A cousin? I certainly can’t remember that exact episode, but hey, good to know she made an appearance on one of my Top 5 shows of all-time. And for the last time, the college years and on were much better than the high school years. You can’t convince me otherwise, so don’t try.

-Let’s go back a couple weeks with the elimination of our favorite whiny crier, Mary. Kinda shocked that she wasn’t able to take her elimination in stride, and walk away with her head up high. Ummmm…not so much. The buildup was hilarious. The show was saying, “The pressure is starting to get to Mary?” Huh? Starting to get to her? I think this woman was crying the minute she filled out her application to be on the show. What a wreck that woman was. Have we ever figured out why she cried so much? I think if Mary were to see two puppies playing in the grass with a rainbow in the background, she’d have the same reaction as if she just witnessed a double homicide. Control your emotions woman. But my mother always told me, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. So I will say this: Mary looked MUCH more attractive with straight hair than with the frizzies. Why it took her four episodes to go with that look is beyond me.

-I think my favorite date of the show so far was when Mark had the double date with Jayanna and Amanda. At the end of the date, they were both lying in the bed watching the movie with him. Jayanna was claiming that Mark was leaning more towards her and his back was to Amanda. Well, of course it was. He had to give Amanda a good enough angle for the reach around she had going. C’mon Jayanna. Don’t tell me you couldn’t see that happening? Amanda even admitted they were holding hands under the blanket. You really think that’s all she was doing? Why do you think she was so content with Mark leaning his head on Jayanna? Because if only Jayanna knew what Amanda had in her hands. I think that night alone showed where Mark is leaning in this competition.

-I thought Jennifer and Mark’s date was cute when he had her dress like a dominatrix and go motorcycle riding with him. I could’ve sworn at some point during the date, she was going to break out in song with a version of “Cool Rider”. And then when they were going down the road alone, she’d start straddling him and then he’d pop a wheelie. Then they’d make out as the sun was going down (oh wait, they did do that). Although, we didn’t get to see the scene where he dropped her back off at the gas station and he was confronted by the T-Birds and the rest of the Pink Ladies who started to question her loyalty to the club. That would’ve been so great, you don’t even know. And yes, I’ve completely lost my mind.

-Why is Maria still on the show? She’s wanted to leave twice, she’s told the other girls she was going to leave, then for some reason, keeps changing her mind, yet doesn’t even seem to like the guy. And on the flip side, I have no idea why he likes her. Anybody catch her act when they went hunting? What was that all about? Crying like a teenager when people wouldn’t listen to her, wrapping her legs around Mark when she was talking to him – what a looney. And after all this, he still keeps her. Did I miss something? Did she slip him a couple $100 bills? For christ sakes, Jayanna showed you her ass last episode, and you keep Maria around? I wish Mark all the worst with whatever happens to him after this show. Idiot.

-As for Jayanna, exactly what did she say that was so bad which warranted her getting booted? Didn’t she tell Amanda basically what everyone who watches these dating shows is usually screaming at the TV’s? How can you possibly think you’re falling in love with somebody you’ve known for a month on a TV show? Then that little stalker goes running to Mark telling him everything Jayanna says, and Jayanna gets booted. I guess Amanda’s plan worked, but good Lord, that made Mark look dumb. Jayanna didn’t say anything that most of the viewers hadn’t thought. Amanda: “I thought my kisses with Mark were special, but then wait, it’s not special if he’s doing it with everyone else.” Every season of every “Bachelor”, at some point, this always comes up. The insecure girl doesn’t like the fact that the guy she’s dating is seeing and making out with other people. For the life of me, I can’t understand this concept if these people know they’re on a dating show. If it bothers you that much, then leave.

ROCK OF LOVE

-Well, it was inevitable that I was going to come across this show. And I got all your emails telling me to talk about it. So yes, I‘ve seen “Rock of Love”, or as I like to call it, “Who Wants an STD from Brett Michaels”. Holy crap. I feel sorry for the families of these women. On the “Bachelor“, you have to win an obstacle course in the fastest time to get a date with Andy. On “Rock of Love“, all you have to do is get Brett hard by having phone sex with him. Yes, that’s right, a group date was determined by strapping some device (probably fake) onto Brett’s unit that measured blood flow. Then each girl go on the phone with him, and the top three girls that made his blood flow the most, got to go on a group date. Unbelievable. I cannot believe that was one of the activities they had to do. And I’m sure as the season goes on, that’ll be one of the tamer things they have to do.

-For those who have not seen this white trash version of “Flavor of Love” but about 10 times worse, let me just share with you some of the things that have been uttered over the first few weeks of the show. And these were just things that were said. Seeing some of the actions on this show might make your teenage son become a man in a matter of an hour. So read these quotes, then you make your decision if you would like to glue your eyes to this fiery 10 car pile-up on the freeway. Children, look away.

“I found this beautiful young girl to have lovely, hot breasts”
“I’m feeling extremely horny – I’m ready to explode”
“If you’ve got a nice rack, show ‘em”
“Complete hot, nasty, rock-n-roll sex”
“You do have a beautiful ass”
“She beat my penis to a pulp. It was basically a dry beating”
“I saw you suck his d**k in there!”
“Her boobs are circus boobs. They don’t even move. You can’t even play with those things.”

-So with those quotes, it should come as no surprise that since this show began airing, a couple of these girls dirty laundry has made it’s way to the internet. Man, where would we be if it weren’t for the internet? The things you can find on there. Anyway, seems that BOTH Brandi’s have a career in porn. And both are viewable on the internet. Ummmm….let’s just say that neither of these two women are against anything when it comes to relations with the male sex. And that’s putting it nicely. Since this isn’t a porn website, I’m not gonna give you any links as to where you can find this, just know it’s pretty easy. And that’s all that’s come out – so far. I’m guessing a few of these other women have a sketchy past to say the least. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if all of these girls weren’t either a stripper, a porn star, or did nude pictorials before. And I’m guessing all of them were missing a few hugs early in their childhood. Call me crazy.

-The concept of this show is mind boggling to me. Brett Michaels has been chasing skirt for the last 20 years, and has probably bedded more white trash in his career than you can shake a stick at. And basically he’s saying in this show, “Look, my life is one big party. If you can’t handle that, you don’t need to be with me. So if you don’t mind me screwing other women when I’m touring, and you can put all your jealousies and insecurities behind you, then I think we’re a good match for each other. Deal?” Sounds fair to me. Good job, Brett. How you convinced some network executive to put this on air is beyond me. But keep it coming since no one likes a good train wreck as much as I do. Except this is a tad bigger than a train wreck. It’s more like a nuclear bomb being detonated on American soil. In Valencia.

-Not that you should care who wins any of the other dating shows, but this is one where you REALLY don’t care who wins. I can’t believe they even bothered to throw “Love” in the title. The only love going on in this show is self-love. And love between two women. And group love. You get the point. The means more than outweigh the end when it comes to this show. We’ve already seen phone sex, the previews show us a glimpse of flag football in the mud, catfights, more girl on girl action, and a lot of drinking. A lot. Probably to the point of unhealthy, poisoning, “oh-crap-someone-call-an-ambulance-she’s-convulsing”. And if you thought, “Will you accept this rose?” was cheesy, is there anything that could possibly top, “Would you stay here and rock my world”? Didn’t think so. I don’t what I’d do without television. I may as well become a monk.

SCOTT BAIO IS 45.…AND SINGLE

-This is slowly becoming one of my favorite reality shows on right now. Not because it’s completely real or anything like that, but just because you get the sense that Scott isn’t acting for the cameras and putting on a show. Although, paying a stripper to leave and then ending a date early with a good looking woman isn’t the most sane thing to do. This show is completely different than what I originally thought it would be. I thought he was going to start dating a bunch of women for 8 weeks, and then decide if he wants to marry his girlfriend. Is it really good therapy to go back to all your ex-girlfriends and ask them what’s wrong with you? God, I couldn’t imagine doing that for the sole reason I don’t want to hear the answers.

-I’ve got nothing against talking to an ex, but geez, to have them dissect me in front of my face? Uhh, no thanks. I’ll take acupuncture instead. Is Scott really learning anything from this, or is he just doing this for the camera? He seems genuine, but remember, he’s an actor. An actor who hasn’t done anything worth a damn in about 15 years, but an actor nonetheless. How uncomfortable must it have been for him to reunite with Joanie? You could read his mind when he was sitting across the table from her. You know he was thinking, “I can’t believe I lost my virginity to her. What was I thinking? I look exactly the same as I did 20 years ago, and she looks 60. I’m Scott Baio b****.”

-So you’re trying to tell me that of all the women this guy has slept with through the years – the Pamela Andersons, the Denise Richards, the Heather Locklears – not once did he ever get crazy with Nicole Eggert? Please. I don’t believe that for a second. There is no way they didn’t sneak behind the set of “Charles in Charge” for a little nookie back in the day. No way. And I don’t care who he was with at the time, he cheated on all his girlfriends anyway. At least the guy admits to being a pig. He gets some credit for that, doesn’t he? If not, just know that he’s not fooling anyone when he says he and Nicole never played hide the pickle on set.

AMERICA’S GOT TALENT

-Well, actually they don’t. A very mediocre group thus far. No one that really blows you away. And the funny thing is, the more they try and NOT be like “American Idol”, the more they become it. Of the five finalists we know of so far, four are singers. And I’m guessing we’ll get another four this week. Variety can only get you so far. Especially if youre doing a bunch of jumps and kicks and what not. How can you change that up? It’s the same act every week. So it’ll come as no surprise when your final two are probably singers. That beat boxer girl and maybe that real innocent looking one who sings country.

-If the show really wants to take itself seriously as America’s #1 talent contest, then why the hell are they letting through Kashef with the unibrow, and Boy Shakira? That’s talent? In what country? Certainly not this one. Have you watched what Boy Shakira/Boy Britney does? He lip synchs and dances horribly, but his appeal is because he’s fat and he’s a guy with a blonde wig, it’s supposed to be funny. Well, it isn’t. In fact, its embarrassing. The whole “fat guy dancing with his shirt off” is played out. It’s not funny anymore, and I’ll debate with you if it ever was funny to begin with.

PIRATE MASTER

-Definitely not a good week for this show. First, it gets cancelled. The remaining five episodes will be shown online at CBS.com 3am EST time Tuesday mornings. The ratings were in the toilet, and frankly, the show was too. I watched it, but I literally found myself dozing off at roughly the same point every episode. Just wasn’t interesting enough and too much of a “Survivor” rip-off but with weird rules and lame challenges. However, some worse news hit late last night, as it was announced cast member Cheryl, who was eliminated in the 4th episode, was found dead in her home on Friday night from an apparent suicide. Don’t go running and blaming the show or anything, although, I’m sure some media types will, but I guess her boyfriend committed suicide a couple months ago, so she wasn’t really in the greatest of places. Anyway, since this show is pretty much a moot point now, let’s move on.

ON THE LOT

-You know what the problem is with this show other than 80% of the movies aren’t very good? I never remember what each director had previously done, so it’s tough to judge them based off a whole body of work. Basically nobody’s work is ever memorable. And I’m still having trouble with their names. When you’re down to the final six, and you can’t name who’s who, that’s a problem. Needless to say, I’m not the least bit surprised that there’s not a female director left on the show. You could tell that was going to be the case right from the beginning. Even if any of the female directors were good, they probably wouldn’t have gotten this far. Just the way it goes sometimes.

-Adrianna is still looking every bit the pin up model as when the show started. They really do a good job on the double stick tape with her. Congrats to them. I’m still curious as to how she landed this gig. I have never seen her before on anything, and as you know, I watch A LOT of television. But hey, I’m sure she’s paid her dues, worked her way up the ladder in the entertainment business, and her looks have absolutely nothing to do with why she’s where she’s at right now. None at all. Uh huh. Keep eating that popcorn and stumbling over your cue cards honey. And remember the old adage if you’re a female broadcaster: The less clothing the better. Or something like that.

-I think Gary Marshall purposely drinks a bottle of scotch before the show starts. He’s got to be drunk, doesn’t he? You can’t tell me that ol’ coot is sober during that show. And whatever he’s having, I think Carrie Fisher is taking a couple swigs of it before the show as well. Last week her shoes were off, both her feet were on the chair, and she was pretending to make out with both Gary and whoever the B-list celebrity director judge was. The more I see her, the more my Princess Leia fantasies are a thing of the past. That’s a shame. Me and Leia, we were quite an item back in the day. I dreamt of many a night where we were alone together on Planet Endor. Ok, I’m grossing myself out now.

NEWPORT HARBOR: THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY

-Yes, just two days after the premiere of season 3 of the “Hills”, we get essentially “Laguna Beach 4”. They just moved everything to different high school with a different set of characters. Think you might not be sold yet? Take a look and count me in on Aug. 15th.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1565260&vid=164044

Is it Lauren, and Stephen, and Kristin, and the gang? No, but it sure as hell probably beats last season. I think we were getting tired of the Laguna scene anyway. I know! Let’s move 20 minutes north to kids just as rich, just as spoiled, except they have boat parties instead of beach parties! Hey, convinced me. I’m curious to see which little hot out of this group becomes our next Kristin Cavalleiri. Or even our next Lauren Conrad, as she moves up to L.A. after graduation to have her own spinoff show. You know it’s going to happen.

Well, that’s it for this week. Still working on something for the site, but I don’t want to jinx anything. I’ll let you know when the time is right. If it ever is. Until then, send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com, check out the Reality Steve MySpace page at myspace.com/StevieC24. Until next week…..

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