-I don’t think I’ve ever given a “shout out” in this column, nor do I ever think I’ve acknowledged the death of anybody – until today. In case you haven’t heard, legendary comedian George Carlin died Sunday night in Santa Monica. I think it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t be writing this column, I wouldn’t love watching stand-up comedy, and I wouldn’t be half as funny as I think I am if it weren’t for George Carlin. Outside of “Bill Cosby Himself”, every George Carlin HBO special was must-see TV for me growing up. I taped every single one of them, watched them over and over and over again after school, and can still probably recite most of them if I sat down and watched them. He was a comedic genius back in the day, and for a while I wanted to be a stand-up comedian – all because of George Carlin. He got a little preachy and outdated towards his later years, but his early stuff was genius. “Baseball vs. Football”, “Flying on the Airplane”, “Things to do to Keep People on Their Toes”, “Dogs vs. Cats” are just some of his bits that I’ll always remember. So I’m sorry to see that he’s gone. Although, having two open heart surgeries yet being a coke addict probably didn’t help his cause. Almost a miracle he lived to 71. And oh yeah, he was addicted to painkillers and red wine too. Whoa. Triple Whammy.

-There are two quick pop culture stories that I want to reference. One being that Jamie Lynn Spears decided to name her devil-spawn “Maddie”. Do you realize how much I was affected by this? My dog is now named after something that came out of Jamie Lynn Spears baby maker? Is it too late to change Maddie’s name? Seriously, of all the names Jamie Lynn could’ve chosen, she decided to go with that? She’s completely tarnished the name of anyone named Maddie, Madison, or Madeline. How sorry do you feel for that kid? Think she’s growing up in a stable, loving, nuturing, sane environment? Please. That chick will be stripping by twelve years old. But good luck to the two teenagers who are going to raise her. I’m sure they’re prepared and will do a fine job.

-And I think it’s safe to say that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are two of the most hated “C-list” celebrities in all of Hollywood right now. Yet, they don’t care. They keep doing fake photo shoots, keep saying how much they despise Lauren yet keep appearing on every episode of her show, and are still trying to shop their own reality show around. And oh yeah, Heidi keeps singing. Awfully. In case you missed it, here’s her latest single, “Fashion”, which I’m sure will get tens of downloads:

http://www.usmagazine.com/exclusive-listen-to-heidi-montag-new-single-fashion

Yuck. Are you serious? Who told her she can sing? What music producer thinks this will sell? Actually, forget I said that. There are gaggles of 13 year old girls who love this crap. And these girls are clueless to how fake “The Hills” is. OH well. Someday they’ll learn. Ok, let’s get to last night…..

-I’m glad they took the first 10 minutes last night to show us what four guys were left and what DeAnna thought of them. Too bad we saw this last week when it was called “DeAnna Tells All”. That’s ok, though. That means only one hour and fifty minutes left. No need to recap what she said about the remaining four since we heard it all last week. And frankly, for a two hour hometown date episode, this one was pretty boring. None of the guys really had any of that crazy family thing going. There weren’t any major incidents, no real drama like we’ve seen in season’s past, and pretty much everyone just made nicey-nice with each other. Jason’s hometown date was strictly there for women to break out the box of tissues to cry, but then again, you knew that was coming. More on him later. First hometown date is to Breckenridge, Colorado to visit Jesse. He’s gonna teach DeAnna to snowboard today because that’s what he does. He says, “Kids sometimes get crushes on you when teaching them snowboarding, so I hope that happens today with DeAnna”. Very cool, Jesse. And very illegal. Quit hooking up with teenagers. I wonder if the kid he taught when he appeared on MTV’s “Made” ended up having a crush on him. Yeah, Jesse’s been on TV before. Real shocker. He’s got his own clothing line, we find out last night he runs a non-profit organization that we were given all the details on, and he was once the “snowboarding mentor” on an episode of MTV’s “Made”. Decent resume. Maybe if this doesn’t work out, he can try out for “Elimidate”.

-After he tries to teach her to snowboard, Jesse is blown away. “She killed it. Such a natural athlete.” Really? All I saw was her holding your hands all the way down the hill and when you let go she face planted into the ground. More like a natural klutz to me. There was nothing about that run down the hill that made me think she’ll be competing at the X-games anytime in the next, oh I don’t know, 50 years or so. So after he fills her with compliments she didn’t deserve, it’s time for them to get serious and talk about each other. DeAnna lays down the law about exactly what she wants. “I need a guy with a backbone….I definitely need someone to tell me I’m wrong.” Ok, but if you get that guy, are you actually going to listen to him? I mean, I’m sure someone has told you a 1,000 times already you might want to stop talking about Brad and how hurt you were but you don’t seemed to have listened. And that’s really nice of you and all to admit that you need someone to tell you that you’re wrong, but, in all my years on this planet, I’ve never met a woman who didn’t think she was ever wrong, so I guess I don’t really believe you. Oh I’m sure you’ll want someone that’ll tell you you’re wrong, but they’ll just be a sounding board for you to continuously prove your point til you’re blue in the face and eventually he just quits so you’ll shut up. No, I’ve never done that.

-So Jesse takes her back to his place and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say Jesse like to snowboard. Why? I don’t know. It might be the 700 snowboards he has glued to every inch of wall in his place. He’s got a non-profit organization called JSAK which stands for “Jesse Sure is A Kook”. Or not. It actually stood for “Just Snowboarding for Ambitious Kids”. I think. I guess he goes into the mean streets of Breckenridge, Colorado and pulls underprivileged kids out and teaches them to snowboard. And smoke weed. I think that’s a very noble thing for Jesse to be doing. I congratulate anyone who is out to help the less fortunate. Especially if it means getting them off of a life of drugs, crime, and poverty and letting them roll down a mountain at warp speed for fun. And then lighting up a doobie afterwards. Where can I donate to JSAK? I’ve got some worn out flannel shirts, some Timberland boots, and a few ski caps I could scrounge up. Just call me Santa Reality Steve. I’m full of gifts for the kids. I think maybe I’ll start my own non-profit organization where I gather people from all around the world who believe in the concept of this show and I do my best to smack some sense into them. You know, those that think DeAnna is destined to find her husband out of the remaining three guys. And those that think DeAnna got screwed over by Brad. And those who watch this crap thinking they’re gonna get a love story out of it. I think I’d be doing a lot to help society since those people need a severe lesson in reality. I’m your man. Let’s get this thing going. Oh yeah, we can throw in people who post all day long on message boards too. Although they might be a lost cause. They’re hopeless.

-Jesse’s parents come over to his place since I guess, well, maybe they don’t have their own place. Maybe they can’t cook. Maybe they live in a log cabin and smoke peace pipes all day. Not sure, but they came over to Jesse’s and someone from the production team looks like they cooked up a mighty fine dinner. Mmmmmmm….yummy. I was surprised I didn’t see any of the special brownies for dessert. Hmmm…weird. Anyway, Jesse’s dad is just a crazy ol’ coot I tell ya’. He came over and had fake dreadlocks attached to the hat he was wearing to give off the impression he was just as baked as his son is half the time. Or maybe it was just to show he was a cool, hip dad that tries to be funny a lot. But isn’t. Whatever the case, DeAnna ate it up and thought this guy was the next Don Rickles. Over dinner, Jesse’s hair became a topic. His dad asked DeAnna if he had the longest hair of any of the guys and she said yes and that “I typically don’t date guys with long hair. Like my last boyfriend, Brad, he had really short hair. And nice stubble on his face. And gorgeous eyes. And such a hunky body. But he led me on and broke my heart……” Ok, she didn’t add that part. But she was thinking it. This isn’t the first time DeAnna’s mentioned that she doesn’t typically date guys with long hair so I guess she’s setting us up for one reason she isn’t picking Jesse. Well, that’s one of about 10 reasons I can think of why she wouldn’t pick him.

-Jesse and dad have a heart to heart talk in his bedroom over by the giant bong he’s made out of a snowboard. Time to get serious. His dad really harps on the fact that he’s got to open up more. It’s down to the end now and DeAnna needs to know who will be there for her, and she can’t make a clear decision if any of the guys are holding back. Jesse admits to dad that he hasn’t kissed her yet and his dad immediately questions if his son is gay or not. Well, I did at least. One thing Jesse admits to dad is that he’s not ready to be married in 2 weeks. Ummmmm, why don’t we just mark that down as reasons #2 through #10 as to why Jesse won’t get picked. Hey Jesse, in case you’ve been living under a rock, let’s make something perfectly clear here. DeAnna is looking for a husband. Like, yesterday. She doesn’t have time to mess around with a snowboarding coach who isn’t ready to settle down immediately. So if you want that final rose, get your ass in gear, assume the position, and make sure those swimmers start heading due north upon arrival. It’s go time, baby! Your whole “not ready to be married in 2 weeks” just doesn’t play on this show. Even though that’s about the most logical thing you’ve said the whole season. Lesson #1 in the Reality Steve non-profit organization class for those who believe in the concept of this show: Don’t ever expect any guy to actually be ready to get married after knowing a chick for six weeks. These people are choosing the person they want to continue to date, and the show is the force behind the proposal. If you can get that through your head, the rest of the class is peaches and cream.

-Time for Jeremy’s date in Dallas. Woo hoo. Right up my alley. You know, I’ve been here almost two years now so I know all about downtown Dallas. And when I say “all about”, I actually mean “not much at all”. Jeremy picks DeAnna up on his motorcycle and she’s all horny now. “I definitely think its hot Jeremy rides a motorcycle.” Uh oh. You know who else thought that? Stephanie Zinone. In fact, she would only date a guy who was a “Cool Rider”. Which kinda made her a superficial bitch if you really think about it. And actually, I’d say Jeremy and Michael Carrington definitely have a similar quality in that they’re both incredibly boring. So maybe Jeremy’s got something going for him in this. But after the talent show, after he jumps the cliff and DeAnna thinks he’s dead, he’s really gonna have to make an impression on her at the Luau. He can’t hide behind those dark glasses anymore even though its nighttime. He needs to open up and let DeAnna knows who he really is. No more “Charades” and appearing in her made up songs about you in a gold biker outfit. It’s time for DeAnna to see the real Jeremy. For those of you who’ve never seen “Grease 2″, there’s your plot summary. Go rent it. It’s just about the greatest/worst movie I’ve seen over 100 times.

-Jeremy is horny now too that DeAnna is on the motorcycle with him. “It’s just something about her being behind me and her arms wrapped around me.” Ummmm, isn’t it supposed to be the other way around, big boy? Unless you’re into strap-ons….forget it. Lets move on before I throw up. So these two end up riding around the closed off streets of Downtown Dallas. Looks like they biking around close to the West End area which is about as happening as a ghost town. I guess he could’ve taken her to the “W” hotel up to the Ghost Bar at the top floor. Then she really would’ve seen Dallas’ finest douchebags in all their glory. Nothing but guys like “Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert” doing their best $30,000 millionaire impersonations. Pretty comical. I saw that they did go by Market Street. Been there once. I think. I believe there’s a Campisi’s Italian restaurant on Market Street. If not, it’s somewhere close. He should’ve taken her there. The owners daughter posed in Playboy once and has giant cans. Amber Campisi. Go google her and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Yowza. I don’t know what this has to do with Jeremy and DeAnna’s bike ride, but I thought I’d point that out. After biking around town really fast and not getting a ticket, they get back to his place and she gets to meet his dog “Chemo”. Chemo? Is that short for “chemotherapy”? Cute dog. Not as cute as Maddie, but whatever. No one’s dog is. It’s ok. It’s not your fault my dog is the best. Chemo looks like he slobbers a bit too much. Maddie doesn’t. Nor does she bark. Or want to have anything to do with people or other dogs. Yeah, we’re still working on her social skills a little bit. But I tell you what, she can lay on a bed with the best of them.

-Jeremy’s hometown date was a ridiculously depressing. I mean, I understand that he and DeAnna both share a common bond in that they had parents that died, but can we please talk about something else? Maybe tell some knock-knock jokes? Would it be asking too much if someone cracked a smile? Maybe watch some porn? Please. Anything but rehashing the death of your parents. Geez. I mean, did he really just read her his journal from when after his mother died? He sure knows how to bring a room down. And by no means am I making fun of the guy for what he’s gone through, I’m just saying, the guy is way too intense and way too serious all the time. Someone needs to tickle him or something. I don’t think I’ve seen the guy smile in 6 weeks. And the fact that DeAnna has called him “perfect” at least 100 times already is pretty much the kiss of death. If he’s that perfect and everything she’s looking for in a husband, then this would be an easy choice as to who she picks. Kinda saying the same thing about him that Brad said about her. And we all know how that turned out. Sucks to be Jeremy. He’s gotta listen to this chick fawn all over him then let him go because why? He’s too perfect? I’m sure that’ll sit well. No worries, according to certain sources out there, Jeremy was partying it up this past Friday night here in Dallas and looked very happy with all the attention he was getting from the local skirt. I’m sure he’s really broken up about the show.

-DeAnna now tells Jeremy’s family how perfect he is. “Jeremy is the perfect guy. He has all the qualities that I look for. I’m scared.” I really don’t think I’m ruining it for everyone when I say that Jeremy isn’t the final one. I had heard it through the Dallas grapevine before the season even started, and knew it to be true. I mean, c’mon. Isn’t it a little obvious with how much she tells us how perfect he is? He rides a bike, he has a dog named Chemo, he works out 25 hours a day, he never has a hair out of place, and he had a parent that died just like her. I can see where these two would make a great couple. Other than the fact that he wouldn’t know fun if came and bit him on the ass. Time for Jeremy to get serious – again. “I don’t just want you, I need you.” Uh oh. Red flag. Now he’s needy. I wonder if he told that to any of the chicks at Suite this past weekend. Trust me, I think Jeremy is much better off as a swingin’ single than he would be rolling around town with that emotional mess on his arm. I don’t think his dating life is suffering at all after this show.

-Let’s move on to a more happy hometown date with Jason. And when I say “happy”, I mean “more crying than at a funeral”. I started crying immediately when DeAnna showed up in Seattle with that god awful ugly fluorescent jacket. Who dressed her? And I know DeAnna is from the South and probably isn’t too up-to-date on what’s happening in the Pacific Northwest, but she didn’t even know what the Space Needle was? I’ve been to Seattle once in my life and I know what it is. She’s never even heard of the thing. Wow. Which I’m sure bodes well for her packing up her life and moving there, huh? DeAnna and Jason spend some time in the Space Needle talking about her plans for the future since, well, everything is about her. And this one is a doozy. “I want 3 kids. Before I’m 30.” Uhhhh, you’re 26 now and don’t even have a boyfriend. If I were Jason, I wouldn’t gotten up from the table and walked off the show. I don’t care who she ends up with, whether or not its anyone from this show, or someone that she’ll eventually meet after she breaks up with whoever she picks. I can guarantee you DeAnna will not be married with 3 kids by the time she’s 30. No chance, no how. For her to even suggest that shows me how warped this chicks mind is. I’m sure she wants to have 3 kids by the time she’s 30 – doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen though. How bizarre to be uttering such a ridiculous comment to a guy who you’re expecting a proposal from? Things are not going to end well for DeAnna, I can assure you of that.

-So now it’s time for the sappy portion of the show to begin. Jason gets to meet Ty and introduce him to DeAnna. Very touching moment of him seeing Ty for the first time and essentially tackled him like a linebacker when he saw him. Geez. I thought he hurt the poor kid. Of course, this made DeAnna cry. And I’m guessing many other women out there too. Jason has to explain to Ty why he’s deserted him for the last month. “Do you remember why Daddy went to California? To meet a pretty girl.” And Jason has fully convinced Ty that the pretty girl he met was DeAnna. DeAnna then presents Ty with a gift she brought for him. A golf ball. Just a blue golf ball. Nothing else. Now, having a niece and nephew, I know anything you give a 3 year old they’ll like, but ummmm, what was the meaning behind the golf ball? Could you at least got him a little kiddie golf club to go along with it? What the hell is he gonna do with a blue golf ball other than throw it in his giant toy chest and never see it again after you leave? Very odd gift I thought. But maybe there’s something more to it that I missed.

-I did want to point something out that was brought to my attention last week. Before this show began, Jason and his ex-wife still had a page on www.theknot.com. You know, that cute little site where couples put up pictures from their wedding and talk about how they met, how the proposal happened, and who was in, or is going to be in their wedding party. Anyway, their page was up until recently when I guess random followers of the show found the page and started signing their guest book leaving nasty messages, so it got taken down. If you go to the site and type in “Jason Mesnick”, there’s no page. However, someone did have the courtesy to cut and paste their whole page and post it on a message board for all to see. Did you notice how Ty looked nothing like Jason? Well, if you saw the pictures of his ex-wife, you’ll know where Ty gets his looks from. And those ears. I thought it was pretty low of somebody to cut and paste the guys wedding information and pics on the internet, but of course, I had to look. I just won’t re-post them. If you do enough searching on the right sites, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it. I had completely forgotten about that site so I had a little fun with it and started typing in names of everybody I’ve ever known in my life, just to see who had gotten married. Ex-girlfriends, former friends, high school acquaintances, or just anybodys name I could remember. Found a few people. Was hoping to find more. Oh well. Nice to see one of my ex’s married a complete dork. Serves her right.

-Jason’s family asks him what he thinks about the whole situation and how he feels about DeAnna. “When you talk to her, the way she looks at the world, she looks at it like no one else does.” WHAT????!!!! Other than as a jilted ex-lover who only came back to do this show to make Brad Womack jealous, I can’t think of one reason why DeAnna seems to look at the world “like no one else does”. What a ridiculous statement. Jason seems to be smitten with DeAnna, and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Oh, I got it. She gave Ty a blue golf ball. Makes sense. Yeah, I’d definitely marry her for that. I’ve also noticed DeAnna seems to be trying really hard to fall for Jason. In one breath she says she’s totally fine with dating someone with a kid, but the next thing out of her mouth is she says she’s never done it before. Well, how can you be totally fine with it if you’ve never done it? What if once you’ve done it you realize, “This isn’t for me.” Isn’t that kinda misleading? I think she can definitely be fine with Jason having a kid, I just probably wouldn’t have said something that bold having never done it before. She says she’s “Ok with being the 2nd part of his life.” Yeah, considering in DeAnna’s world everything revolves around her, I’m not so sure about that one. She might want to tap the brakes just a bit on that.

-So after dinner, DeAnna makes sure the whole family gets in a circle and dances around saying, “Opaaaaa!!!!” Nice. How does Jason’s family return the nice gesture? By going outside to play a game of leap frog. Nothing ever says “Welcome to the family” than a nice game of leap frog. Except a family game of “Nude Twister”. “Twister” has got to be the most homo-erotic board game on the planet. And it’s almost physically impossible to put yourself in some of the positions that game will ultimately ask you too. And if there’s a sorority in America that didn’t put on a function where “Twister” wasn’t involved, I’ve never heard of it. The KD’s at my school did. And I participated. Me and my friend were eliminated in about 3 moves. Boooooooooooo. I hate that game. Anyway, once the play time of leap frog was over, it was time to leave. Time to turn on the water works again as Jason has to say goodbye to Ty who doesn’t want to see him go. Everyone in the family cried over this one. And DeAnna cried for the third time already on this hometown date. Jason assures Ty that he’ll call him “tomorr-e-oh”. That must be the cute way of saying tomorrow. Don’t know. Never said “tomorr-e-oh” before. Maybe I should start. I could get a date out of it.

-Commercial. I wanted to point something out in case you missed it. “I Survived a Japanese Game Show” is a new reality show that starts on ABC soon. Maybe this week even. I don’t know what it’s about, nor do I care, but I’m guessing from the title, it’s about American contestants that get put on a Japanese game show. And survive. I know, I’m a genius I figured that out all by myself. But that’s not important. What is important is that one of the females on the show, the hot blonde one, came out last week and told any news outlet that would listen that she’d been sleeping with Mario Lopez for the last year. One problem. Mario has had a girlfriend for the last two years, the chick who got her beak re-done on “Dancing With the Stars”. Apparently, Mario kept this blonde chick completely out of the loop on it all and said that he was broken up with her. How slick this guy is. If there is a bigger player in Hollywood, I haven’t seen him yet. This is a guy who got dumped by Ali Landry after two weeks of marriage cuz’ he couldn’t keep it in his pants. And now this? Needless to say, his DWTS chick and him broke up last week when this news broke, although in the statement, it said they we’re breaking up to “focus on their careers”. Yeah, her focusing on her dancing, and he’s focusing on having women audition on his junk. Oh yeah, this chick he cheated with is a former Hooters waitress. Really? No way! I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. AC Slater is a whore.

-Time for Graham’s date back at his old high school because apparently he’s still living in his teen years. He says basketball was a big part of his life, and this is where it all started, so he figured it’d be a perfect place to take her. Hey look, I was a high school basketball legend myself, and I even made my high school’s Wall of Fame for all my outstanding accomplishments, but you don’t see me still bragging about it, do you? Oops. Let’s just say the next date I ever take back to my high school to show her my picture up on the wall will be the first. It’s a pretty damn good picture though. Taking a jump shot right in someone’s face. Awesome. I was unstoppable. Anyway, enough about me. I’m starting to sound like DeAnna. “Me, me, me, me, me, me, and me. It’s all about me.” So Graham gives her a jersey with his last name “Bunn” on it. I bet if he put a DeAnna worn jersey up on his website, www.grahambunn.com, there’d be some stalker chick out there that’d buy it. Probably DeAnna since she’s still in love with him. More on that later. Oh yeah, they went out on the basketball court to play around a little bit and DeAnna sucked. What happened to her being such a “natural athlete” like Jesse said. Oh that’s right. She’s not.

-When they go meet his family, it’s just his mom and dad. Mom asks DeAnna, “Is it tougher being one of 25 girls going after one guy, or, being the one girl having to choose from 25 guys?” You know exactly where this answer is headed. “I think it’s easier to be in my position, but I know exactly what they’re going through. Because you know, I was on this show once. And I had my heart broken after being led on by Brad…..” Yeah, that’s pretty much how that conversation went. So after dinner, mom takes DeAnna up to his room where his room is decked out like he’s still in high school with trophies, and medals, and jerseys everywhere. Apparently Graham likes living in the past. DeAnna tells his mom her concern. “I have a feeling I’m more into him than he’s into me. I don’t know if he’s ready for me.” And mom gives us the answer I’m sure DeAnna wanted to hear. “Finding someone to last past four weeks is difficult for Graham….he’s a little bit of a loner.” Gee, I never would’ve guessed that watching this show. Considering he and DeAnna’s conversations revolve around two things – her dating other guys, or, nothing – I can’t see why these two couldn’t make it long term.

-DeAnna is delusional trying to convince herself this is the guy for her. They go outside to be alone, he just sits there again saying nothing, she asks what’s wrong, he says nothing, on and on and on this goes until DeAnna says, “You just handle things differently than I do.” Yes, he does. So get rid of him. Just because he’s hot isn’t gonna be enough to salvage your relationship where you don’t talk. I mean, she admitted last night she’s 26 and wants to have three kids by 30. Like Graham wants any part of that. If he does, he sure doesn’t show it. She’s only attracted to him because he’s unattainable. The minute Graham gave in, and if these two were actually together, they’d never last. His personality doesn’t mesh with hers. She wants him to be something he’s not, and in the end, that’ll never work. She’s attracted to him the most, likes him the best, and wants him to like her like she likes him, but it ain’t gonna happen. She’s needy and he’s a little more independent. And she probably will try and contact Graham once she breaks up with who she chooses, but that seems rather desperate. Just let it go. He isn’t going to change for you. That’s my Dr. Phil diagnosis for the day.

-No final cocktail ceremony tonight. DeAnna is heard talking about all four guys as we see them arrive out of their limos. Jesse is decked out in his Tony Manero suit. Was there a disco he was headed to later that night? As Jeremy’s walking in, we hear DeAnna gushing again, “Perfect house, perfect dog, perfect life….but is he perfect for me?” Uh oh. Be sure to pack your bags on your overnight date, Jeremy. She comments about whether or not she wants to join a family “already in progress” with Jason. Wait a second? Didn’t she say earlier she has no problem dating a guy with kids? This chick is crazy. She doesn’t know what she wants. Well, I take that back. She wants Graham. He just doesn’t want her. And speaking of Graham, nice of him to dress up for the rose ceremony. Every other guy has a suit on, and this slacker comes dressed in jeans, red sweater, untucked dress shirt underneath, and a blazer. I’ve worn that on a date before. Just not to a formal setting. Yikes. Thanks for the effort Graham. No time for speeches from DeAnna, thank God. Let’s get down to the least shocking rose ceremony ever.

Jesse: He got the rose first this week. I bet he’s happy. Happy enough to spark up right there in the room.
Jeremy: He’s almost at the end. Almost at the point where he can take off the sunglasses and reveal to her who he really is while singing “We’ll Be Together”.
Jason: I bet Ty is fired up he might get another golf ball out of this. Million bucks says the kid hasn’t touched that ball since she left.

-Time to walk Graham out and get serious. She wasn’t happy with the way he stood there “rocking back and forth and smiling” while she was giving roses to other guys. You know why? Because it’s all about her and if you’re not going to look heartbroken and act like your life is completely over because she didn’t pick you, then that bothers her. Then she drops this bomb. “I’m saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was falling in love with.” Wow. Let me ask you something: Ok, so if you were one of the three remaining guys, and you watched that episode last night, wouldn’t you feel a little inferior? Obviously she liked Graham the most, but he liked her the least back. Goes into that whole thing about wanting the guy who’s the least attainable. She’s attracted to the guy who gave her the biggest challenge, when all three of other guys were more open and honest with her and told her how they felt. Yet she’s talking about 2nd guessing herself towards the guy who never gave her what she wanted. Kind of backwards logic if you ask me. No wonder she’s still single…ha ha. I’d definitely be scratching my head watching that if I were Jeremy, Jason, or Jesse. She really, really, really, really wanted to keep Graham around. And for what reason other than him being hot, I have no idea. The guy was a mute. How can the guys not take “I’m saying goodbye to the one person I thought I was falling in love with” as an insult? I guess the rest of the show we have to watch knowing that she’s just pretending to like any of the remaining three more than Graham.

-Graham gives DeAnna a letter he had stored away in his pocket since he pretty much knew he was going home. He told her to read it off camera on her own time if she wanted to. Or she could never read it and burn it. Please. It wasn’t two seconds after he got into the limo that she was dying to read that thing since he’s the one she wants. And of course, next week during the “Men Tell All”, Host Chris teases “….and what did that letter from Graham say?” Like there’s a chance in hell DeAnna is gonna share that with us. Unless Graham says, “You know what? F**K it. Here’s what I wrote…”, we’re not gonna hear anything. That’s private between those two and kind of insulting to even tease we’re gonna know what he wrote. I just don’t see how anyone can watch the rest of this show thinking she’s actually going to want to end up with one of the remaining guys long term. No one has ever been that distraught with eliminating someone in this shows history than she was with Graham last night. Not a chance DeAnna lasts with Jesse, Jeremy, or Jason. Last nights episode pretty much confirmed everything I was told over a month ago.

-Only two weeks left of this train wreck. There’s no way that ABC does another “Bachelorette” do they? I know the “Bachelor” is set to return in the fall, but they just can’t ever do another one like this. It’s painful to watch, really. Only time will tell. Anyway, Dr. Reality Steve is almost set to return, so please keep sending all emails, questions, queries, comments, suggestions, praises, criticisms, and any relationship/marriage/sex/love advice to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week…..

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-Much shorter column this week. Thank God. There’s really no reason to do a full recap of the “DeAnna Tells All” episode considering she didn’t really tell us much that we already didn’t know. And I’m still trying to figure out why for the first time in 16 seasons they even decided to do a show where the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” handicaps the final six. Especially this season where it was pretty obvious which four she was keeping. If you looked at any spoilers in the past month, you knew that Jason, Jeremy, Jesse, and Graham were the final four. Hell, even if you didn’t, if you watched the previews for the rest of the season, they showed her on hometown dates and overnight dates with those four. The only clips you saw of Sean and Twilley were from last nights episode. So here are just a few quick thoughts from what I remember about the “Tell All” episode. I never wrote anything down so this is all coming off what I can remember. I’m guessing there’ll be a few things I forgot or mixed up:

-I was kinda confused as to when this thing was actually filmed. Was it filmed after she had narrowed her choices down to six and before this whole Palm Springs date took place, or was it filmed after the show was completed, and she had to go back and remember what her feelings were like before the Palm Springs dates took place? Usually I could figure this stuff out, but last night, I wasn’t sure. If I had to guess, I’d say it was all done after the show was finished filming. They just sat her down and said, “Look, people like Reality Steve are bitching the show is two hours every week. So we’ve decided that you’re too boring to show for 120 once every 7 days. What we’re gonna do is sit you down, talk to you for a little bit, rehash everything we’ve shown for the last month, and have you talk about it like you’re really straining on whether to keep Sean and Twilley around. And oh yeah, it gives us time to give ‘up close and personal’ videos of the remaining guys. Which is always never interesting.”

-Host Chris asked her why she dumped Richard since apparently tens of people wanted to know. She said when they were having dinner, and he pulled her hair back to kiss her, and she didn’t want to kiss him back, she knew right then it wasn’t meant to be for him. Well that’s good to know. Didn’t she already tell us this? I mean, is she really all broken up that she sent that guy home? Is she really having second thoughts? Please. I don’t buy it. She didn’t like him, so she dumped him. Plain and simple. No need to mask it with how upset she was. Like Richard is sitting at home and wants to hear that. He’s probably already found himself some new tail at the Science Fair anyway.

-I think the only piece of video I found interesting about any of the guys was Sean. Dude is a lot more metrosexual than I originally thought. He fake bakes every day, he wears a lot of facial products, and Ron the divorcee cut his hair during the show. I think we all kinda assumed that since in the first episode he had a mullet, and after that, his hair was noticeably shorter. I think the one things we would’ve all liked to have known about Sean is what Kentucky Ma’ and Pa’ clothing store provided him with is God awful suits? In the piece, they showed his closet loaded with only “name brand” clothes.” Really? Name brand in whose eyes? I didn’t notice any Armani or Joseph Abboud suits hanging around. If J Crew and Millers Outpost is considered name brand, then I’ve completely lost my sense of style.

-I noticed that Jeremy got to ride around on one of his motorcyles in downtown Dallas all by himself. Must’ve been nice they shut down the streets downtown all just for Jeremy so they can film him on his crotch rocket. Probably why I had traffic problems getting into work one day. Thanks Jeremy and ABC. Partnering together to cause traffic gridlock downtown. And Jeremy had a dog. Cute. Not as cute as Maddie, but cute. And for those curious, Maddie is doing just fine. I don’t think I’ll ever purchase anything more important than her the rest of my life. No matter what kinda mood I’m in, she’s always excited to see me, and that can’t help but cheer someone up. If she were a female person, Id date her.

-Before we get started, one thing I wanted to address from last week. As I mentioned, every week, booted contestants from this show do a conference call interview for the media that’s monitored by ABC. And there are plenty of news sites that print these interviews on their page, one being www.realitytvworld.com (you can click on the link to the right to get to it). Anyway, they interviewed Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, and I thought this was an interesting tidbit from the interview:

Reality TV World: DeAnna basically called you a hypocrite when she asked how you deal with relationship problems and you replied communication, only to have her bring up the example of earlier in the day with the BBQ. Did you have any idea DeAnna would react the way she did?

Robert: To be honest with you, there were a lot of other things going on besides my issue with what I heard when I went down to the outhouse that day. I just was the icing on the cake for that breakdown. She was really hung up on something else that was really bothering her and I just kind of set her off.

Reality TV World: What was that something else?

Robert: I can’t go into what that was. But, I’m okay with the fact of knowing that I wasn’t the butt of all of it.

See? This sucks. And this wasn’t the only answer he gave where he talked about not being able to say anything. This is the stuff I’m guessing most people want to hear about. It basically means ABC is purposely not showing us things that ultimately affect the outcome of certain behaviors and decisions. What a load of crap.

-The show begins with Host Chris telling the six remaining guys that DeAnna will be taking all of them on a road trip to Palm Springs, no roses will be given out, and the next time you see him will be at the Rose Ceremony. Is this really important information to the guys? Are all of them worried about Host Chris’ whereabouts and when they’ll see him next while they’re trying to get naked with DeAnna in Palm Springs? I sure hope not. One guy who’s totally baked, and impressed, with DeAnna is Jesse. “She knows how to pick her spots and where to take us.” Huh? Does he really believe DeAnna goes to ABC and tells them which dates she’d like to go on and where she wants to take them? Jesse, dump out the bong water and listen up. DeAnna isn’t choosing where you guys are going. And when you get to your hotel room in Palm Springs, she isn’t the one who picked it out, vacuumed the carpets, or made the beds. She has about as much say in where you go and what you do as I do. And you know that helicopter that’s about to come pick you up? Not her idea either. I wonder if Jesse had ever watched this show before. Something tells me no. Something tells me he had more important things to do like, ummmm, uhhhhh, wake and bake. And snowboard.

-Sean gets a 1-on-1 date with DeAnna at the top of mountain. They’re going to have dinner and then “If I have a connection with him, I’ll invite him back to my suite for dessert.” Dessert? Is that what kids are calling it nowadays? Post-dinner intercourse is now referred to as “dessert”. Hmmmmm…seems appropriate I guess. I think Sean is beginning to have real feelings for DeAnna. He talks about taking risks and he’s here for the right reasons blah blah blah, then he drops this doozy on her, “I’d rather walk around with a loaded gun, then not with one at all.” Whoa. Too much information, pal. You might hurt somebody walking around with a loaded gun. Didn’t you ever see “There’s Something About Mary”? You gotta take care of that. I hope you saw that movie since it was the last time Cameron Diaz looked good in anything. Talk about someone that bugs the piss out of me. There isn’t a single actress on the planet that I despise more than Cameron Diaz. She’s an over-actor, has gotten uglier by the day, and basically plays the same character in every movie she’s in – drunk, ditzy girl that at some point in the movie, will start dancing at a club or in a bar, and throw a lot of “Woo hoo’s” out there. No thanks. If you look like Jessica Alba, feel free to do that every day of the week and twice on Sundays. If you’re face is shaped like a frying pan, it’s annoying. See how that works? Basically, if you’re hot, you can get away with things other people can’t. And when I say “other people”, I mean “the uglies”. Yes, I know. It’s a tough life we lead, but hey, someone’s got to do it. And by the way, Maxim just came out with their Hottest 100 women in Hollywood, ummmmm, Cameron is nowhere to be found. Shocking, really.

-Sean feels it’s time that DeAnna should know a little bit more about him and get to know him on a more personal level. He’s very much a mama’s boy, and even admits, “Mom and Dad live one street over from me”. In Kentucky? Really? If you think for a second I’d even consider making inbred jokes here, then you couldn’t be more right. Mom and Dad live down the street? Are they your brother and sister too? Is your family tree just one straight line? C’mon, admit it Sean. You’ve been to a prom with one your relatives. You know what amazes me about rednecks? Is that they find Jeff Foxworthy funny. One of his jokes should be, “If you find any of the stuff I say on stage to be the least bit comical, you might be a redneck.” Do you realize Jeff Foxworthy has sold more comedy albums/books/videos/CD’s than any other stand up in the history of mankind? You know what that proves to me? That most Americans are idiots. Jeff Foxworthy? Funny? “You Might Be a Redneck….” jokes maybe, MAYBE, were funny the first time you heard them. But he’s been doing that shtick for over 20 years and those ‘billies can’t get enough of it. And don’t get me started on “Larry the Cable Guy”. The success that guy has had might be the 9th Wonder of the World. Especially since it’s all an act. Like, if he were a real redneck and actually talked like that, I can see where deep, deep Southern rednecks would find him funny. But he doesn’t. Hell, he was on “60 Minutes” and basically admitted to the fact that he can’t believe the success he’s had. If he can’t believe it, then I certainly am not going to. “Git er’ done”? Exactly what does that mean anyway? And when you say it after every joke, how can it still be funny?

-So somehow Sean gets DeAnna on a hammock and they start kissing – sort of. I’ve noticed DeAnna isn’t too fond of making out with guys. It was pretty much like she gave him a sympathy kiss. She wasn’t grossed out enough to where she wasn’t repulsed by kissing him, but she wasn’t really that into it. Something she did let Sean and his zippered shirt in on though? “I know that my husband is here.” Wow. Yet another bold statement by DeAnna. If she knows that her husband is here, then that means she knew at that point who she’s picking, right? So why didn’t she just tell the producers who her final one was and be done with it rather than “lead them on”? That seems to be her big thing this season is that since Brad led her on, she doesn’t want to do it to anyone else. Well, if she knows her husband is there, why not just cut to the chase and let him know now? Oh, because she’s contractually obligated to do a certain amount of shows and can’t just cut the show short whenever she feels like it. Just like Brad wasn’t, which is why he wasn’t leading you on. I’m sure Brad knew before the final rose ceremony he wasn’t choosing anyone but it’s not like they could just stop the show. Brad’s year contract has got to be up, right? If there’s one person from this entrie series I’d like to do an interview with, it’s that guy. I wanna hear him speak candidly about everything that went down during his filming. Someone contact him, let him know his #1 supporter is looking for him, and lets put an end to this nonsense already about how DeAnna was treated. Brad was there and he’s one of the few that know the truth. You have an open invitation Brad. Realitysteve.com and its readers want the “Tell All” interview for the ages. You know where to find me. I think. The most annoying thing about DeAnna has been her insistence on not doing or saying the things Brad did, even though that’s pretty much what she’s doing. Hence the reason why this show sucks. Yay DeAnna!

-Next up, a helicopter rolls in and is picking up Twilley, Graham, Jason, and Jesse and taking them to the middle of nowhere to ride dirt bikes. Although, the first helicopter arrives is what I call the “sympathy” helicopter for Twilley, since it’s just taking the two of them, and the other guys will take the second helicopter. Translation: I don’t want to waste any 1-on-1 time with this guy who I know I’m not picking, so, he’ll get his time with me in a loud helicopter that he’ll get motion sickness from. Very nice, DeAnna. We didn’t see right through that one. Graham even chimed in: “I predict that Twilley’s time in the helicopter will be awful. Twilley gets motion sickness.” And pretty much it was. It took him a bit to open up the helicopter door, he basically was fighting back puking during the whole flight over, and he had trouble opening up the door to leave. Thanks for coming, Twilley. That’s your alone time with DeAnna for this date. Now why don’t you step back as Graham, Jason, and Jesse all get quality time with her tongue. Well, except Jesse. He seems to be scared of women.

-So they go out riding 4 wheelers in the middle of the desert and DeAnna comments on all four guys and how they performed. She says that Jason was very straight laced and kept going one way. Not surprising. Seems like Jason is very conservative. Probably peels of the crust on his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, separates the food on his plate so they don’t touch each other, and likes the missionary position. Jesse is showing off doing wheelies and completely disobeying the law of not smoking and driving. How do X-gamers like him possibly pass drug tests before competing? Then again, they probably don’t drug test for the X-games since that would kind of defeat the purpose. Twilley is off on his bike doing his own thing which should surprise no one. He seems to march to the beat of his own drum. And the guy playing that drum is a lunatic. I don’t think she really said much about Grahams 4-wheeling other than to probably say he looked hot with a helmet on or something. Seems to be thats the only compliment he gets from her. Probably doesn’t bode well for him in the long run. You know, because looks always go a long way in relationships.

-Time for a pool party back at the hotel where DeAnna can see more of Graham with his shirt off, avoid Twilley like the plague, and get some alone time with Jesse and Jason. Jason is up first and she asks him what it would be like if she went on a hometown date to Seattle. He told her all the wild things they’d do like play pin the tail on the donkey, have cupcakes and milk, and maybe even go to Dave and Buster’s. Actually, he told her she’d get to meet Ty and we’ll get to see him be exploited on national television next week. Here’s my dilemma: I’ve dated women with kids before and not one of them ever introduced me to them on the first date. Nor would I expect them to. So I don’t get why it’s so important for DeAnna to meet Ty? Sure, Ty is a major part of Jason’s life, but, he’s been out with her what, twice? And he’s introducing her to his kid? Why should the rules change for these two? Any woman that introduced me to her kid anytime in the first 2 or 3 months of the relationship would be kinda scary. And let’s be honest, the kid is three. Do you really expect Ty to not like her? What’s he gonna say to the camera, “DeAnna is a meanie and I wish daddy would get rid of her?” Please. We all know what’s coming next week. DeAnna loving Ty, Ty loving DeAnna, Jason loving that Ty and DeAnna loving each other, and one big happy lovefest going on. Don’t expect anything different.

-Jesse gets some time alone with DeAnna who’s questioning how she feels about him. “I definitely feel a friendship connection with Jesse, but I don’t know about a romantic one.” Although she does admit she was turned on by him during the 4-wheel races earlier, so now she wants him to kiss her at the table. And makes it quite known by shoving her face next to his and blinking hysterically. Maybe that’s why he didn’t end up kissing her. He was afraid of the Incredible Blinking Eyelashes. Anybody would be. I’m frightened by them and I’m just sitting at home by myself eating a bag of chips. Maddie even ran to the other room. Well, no she didn’t. She doesn’t watch TV with me. Apparently she’s not a fan of the “Bachelor”, or any other crap I watch. Her job is to lay on the bed all day and sleep. Can’t fault her for that. If she ever decided that, “You know, maybe I’ll go in there and watch TV with him”, I’d be ecstatic. Thrilled, actually. Might even throw her a party. But doesn’t seem like it’s happening anytime soon. I don’t need her watching the “Bachelor” with me anyway. Wouldn’t want to corrupt her with that nonsense. She might start getting a jaded view of women like her master does. There only needs to be one of those in our place.

-Graham steals Sean’s idea and gets DeAnna on a hammock as well. This is the point where DeAnna tells us for the 1,000th time how good looking he is in so many different ways. And since he stoned her on a kiss during their last alone time, seems like she’s not taking no for an answer this time. And yet again, Graham even seems reluctant to share his tongue with her mouth after its been in other people’s mouths. Graham must have a fear of coodies or something. He’s really kind of a wuss. So they kiss and its awkward again. Someone always seems to pull away when the other one isn’t done. I don’t think these two have a good kiss yet. But not according to DeAnna. “I feel like a giddy school girl that gets butterflies in her stomach”. That’s cute. Really, it is. Too bad Graham doesn’t feel the same way. Nor has he ever towards a female for more than 5 months. He can blame it all he wants on moving so much, but that can’t really be the case, can it? Remember, he has done some modeling. In case you haven’t seen it, just go to www.grahambunn.com. He’s beardless in all his pictures just to warn those of you who like the 5 o’clock shadow. And looking quite gay if you ask me.

-The last guy left is Jeremy, and he gets his first 1-on-1 date with DeAnna. Really? That’s their first one? Geez. Seems like they’ve had one before but I guess not. And it must be their first one since Jeremy decided to go with the always masculine pink shirt for their first date. They’re going to have dinner in Frank Sinatra’s old house. Wow. That’s gotta be special. Imagine having a first date with someone in Ol’ Blue Eyes former residence. Magical, I tell ya’. Even Jeremy is taken aback. “Just thinking of all the people that have been through this place is pretty amazing.” You ain’t lying, Jeremy. That was the house where Frankie and Ava Gardner lived. But don’t you think for a second that booze hound and skirt chaser didn’t have a 1,000 other women that rolled through that house at some point. I can only imagine the pick of the litter that guy had to choose from in his heyday. Good looking Italian guy with ties to the mob – you just know he was getting his business done with whoever he wanted and whenever he wanted. Must’ve been pretty cool to be Frank Sinatra in his prime. Who wouldn’t envy a life like that? I’m sure Jeremy and DeAnna were sitting in the same exact seats Frank and any one of his late night hookers had monkey sex in. Ol’ Blue Eyes was one of a kind. And probably only rivaled Wilt Chamberlain in number of women slept with in a lifetime.

-The corny part of the date took place next. DeAnna and Jeremy are forced to sing “The Way You Look Tonight” in a pitch that made Maddie bark for the first time, I think, ever. Why we had to be subjected to these two singing, especially after his horrible performance last week, was beyond me. And you ain’t any better yourself there, sweetcakes. Stick fake meltdowns on camera, you’re better at those. When the awful singing subsided, these two sat down for dinner and Jeremy told her the truth. “I don’t think you’re perfect.” DeAnna: “I’m definitely not.” Jeremy: “But I think you’re perfect for me.” Barf. I couldn’t watch this. Made me sick to my stomach. What’s even worse was the line DeAnna gave the viewing audience in return. “He’s everything that every woman would want. Perfect guy. I want so bad to fall in love with him.” Hey Jeremy, pack your bags. You just got the kiss of death. She started throwing the “Great guy…every woman would want someone like that” line out. I can’t remember the last time those lines were ever uttered then followed up with, “Including me. That’s the guy I want.” It’s usually followed up with a nice, “BUT……just not the one for me.” See, the “every woman would want someone like that” line is ridiculous because if they did, the guy would already be taken. DeAnna seems to have made quite a few “friends” on this show. Can’t wait til the “Men Tell All” episode and we get to hear all their takes on getting thrown into the “friend” zone. Not a fun place to be in. In fact, it sucks ass.

-The men arrive back at DeAnna’s mansion for the rose ceremony but can’t find her. Host Chris (hey, he didn’t lie. We didn’t seem him again til the rose ceremony. Nice to see you Chris. Have fun? Kept busy? Good to hear) informs the guys that since DeAnna is a woman of honor, and since she wants the world to know for the 4,562nd time that she’s not hear to lead anyone on, there won’t be a cocktail party, as she’s already made up her mind who’s going home. She knows who her final four is. Funny. We did too before the episode even started. DeAnna: “Palm Springs so much fun….I already knew my decision….didn’t think it was fair…trying to be fair….I’m not leading you on like it was done to me”. Yes, she actually said it yet again. At the rose ceremony. So yet again, Brad is on her mind. I’m beginning to think once she breaks up with the guy she chose, you know her “husband that’s here”, she’ll start stalking Brad.

Jeremy: I guess pink shirts are a turn on. Well, when they’re worn by Jeremy they are and not by the douche nozzle who pops his collar up.
Jason: I wonder if his hometown date and her playing with Ty will take up over half the show next week?
Graham: DeAnna chews somebody out next week for being “another Brad”. Gee, I wonder who that could be?

Wow. Host Chris did not step in to inform us that there’s only one rose left. I guess he was too busy standing off to the side doing nothing.

Jesse: Don’t be fooled by him getting the last rose. It’s because he didn’t kiss her and has a crooked nose. She likes him. The previews for upcoming episodes prove it. Just watch closely.

Whew. Much better when they’re shorter and I can actually get some sleep. I didn’t look ahead but I’m hoping next week isn’t back to 2 hours. But it probably is. Neither Sean nor Twilley had a meltdown at the end and basically said their goodbyes in a respectful way. Twilley did say he has a unique personality and he’ll make somebody a great husband someday, just not DeAnna. Amen to that, Twilley. You don’t want her anyway. So on the little previews for the hometown dates, here’s what we get:

Jeremy’s family is very intrusive and nosy.
Jason, DeAnna, and Ty roll around frolicking on the grass.
Graham’s family casually mentions he has trouble committing to anyone past 4 weeks.
Jesse takes her snowboarding and she sucks.

Sweet. Can’t wait for that. Any questions, emails, comments, praises, queries, relationship/marriage/sex advice you need, Dr. Reality Steve is getting warmed up in the bullpen. He’s almost ready to bust out. Send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com and maybe yours will get printed and answered in a future column. Until next week….

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-Let’s get to the matter most of you want to know about, and that’s the Chelsea interview. In case you didn’t check back last week, on Thursday I put up a post saying that interview was killed by lawyers who got involved and basically told Chelsea not do it, for fear of any breach of contract I assume. Some of you are blaming me for promoting the interview in last weeks column, and that’s what drew attention to it. Maybe so, but realistically, it would’ve been killed anyway and been taken down within seconds of going up. Here’s what went down: Chelsea and I spoke May 28th over the phone for a good 45 minutes discussing her coming on and doing a recorded interview for the site. She was all for it, said it wouldn’t be an issue, and told me she would hold absolutely nothing back. The problem was, I was in L.A. at the time and had no way to record it until I got back to Dallas and could get in a studio. So I told her I’d call her back when I got into town, and let’s plan for Tuesday or Wednesday of last week. When I finally got a hold of her, she said her PR team, and lawyers over at ABC, told her it’d be in her best interest not to do the interview. She was very apologetic, really wanted to address questions that she knew people had about what went on, but didn’t want to get sued. Fair enough. I feel it’s my responsibility as a “journalist” not to divulge anything I may have been told about what went on. I’d feel I’d be breaking a promise I made to her and I wouldn’t want to put her in any trouble.

-I cannot fault Chelsea for not being able to do the interview. I doubt any of you would in the same situation. My problem is with ABC and how all this is handled. You see, every week after guys (and girls) get eliminated, they all do a conference call with the media talking about their experience. And usually one or two of those people’s interviews are up on some website within a couple days (www.realitytvworld.com is one of them). Problem is, ABC monitors these calls and if a question gets too intrusive, they don’t allow that person to answer it. So all you get are these softball questions of “How was your experience?”, “Why didn’t DeAnna pick you?”, “What’d you learn?”, yada yada yada. I don’t want to hear that crap and I don’t think anyone does because they’re not being truthful. Maybe they are to a certain extent, but there’s really a lot more to the story than what these people are allowed to say. And that’s the stuff I want to know. Basically, I’m Lt. Caffey in “A Few Good Men”: “I want the truth!” These people eliminated from the show are basically doing what the “Oceanic Six” did at their press conference – lying about their time on the show (island). And that was the stuff I was going to get from Chelsea til ABC came in and killed it. Look, I think I’ve made it quite clear to anyone that reads this column how I feel about this show: it’s a joke. There’s nothing real whatsoever about what we’re seeing. And I’m trying to convert as many of you as possible to believe that along with me. Some of you like living in fantasy worlds and on message boards pretending what you’re seeing on this show is legitimate, and I’m here to tell you it’s not. Hence the reason my column is one big j**k off read. I have fun with it. And so should you. Please, I’m begging you, do not watch this show because you’re looking for two people to fall in love. You’ll be disappointed time and time again. Watch it for pure entertainment value and that’s it. It’s much more fun that way. If you take the show seriously, and you take my column seriously, you are basically missing the point of everything.

-I see where some of you were against hearing from Chelsea for whatever reason, so let me make this clear. She did not come to me. I came to her and asked if she wanted to do an interview. During the course of our conversation, I could tell there were a lot of things she wanted to get off her chest. She’s not whining and complaining about how she was edited, nor is she begging to tell her side of the story. But there were obviously things that occurred that the viewing audience has no idea about and she felt people should make their judgments about her and how she was portrayed after hearing what she had to say. I’m kinda curious as to why so many people are quick to say, “We already know what she’s gonna say anyway”, or “What a sore loser”, or “Go away”. Let me assure you that Chelsea had more to say than anything you’ve already read or heard from her and the last thing she came across as to me was a “sore loser”. She had too many self depricating comments about herself for me to think she was coming across as a sore loser. I’m sure plenty of you will tell me to put my pom-poms down and think I’m just defending her because I talked to her – I can read you people like a book. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. We were definitely going to get into some of the stuff that I criticized her for during the course of the season, namely, why she was so standoff-ish on the boat during her overnight date, and what was the deal with giving us a strip tease for the show? Both of which she had answers for that I felt were sufficient enough reasons. Blame ABC, not her. If ABC had nothing to hide, then why won’t they allow her to do the interview? And not just Chelsea, but anyone who’s on the show? So go ahead ABC. I dare you. Let one of your people do an interview with me. What’s the worst that can happen?

-I’ve realized that because of what I do, and how I write my column, that ABC will never grant me an interview with one of their people because I’m not a “news” site. I’m someone with opinions. And someone that wants to expose their show for all the lies and misrepresentation that it gives us on a weekly basis. Not because I’m a vindictive person, but because I find the stuff that they DON’T show us is a hell of a lot more interesting than what they do show us. Who doesn’t want to know what goes on behind the scenes? You all do. However, by doing this column in its current form, I’m never going to be able to get the kind of interviews that I want to do. So it’s kind of a dilemma. If you go to www.thesmokinggun.com, you’ll find in their archives a copy of Trista’s contract with ABC when she was on the show. Basically, everyone who appears on the show is contractually obligated to them for one year from the time their finale airs. So all interviews and media requests and appearances must all be pre-approved by ABC and their people. So could I interview Chelsea some day for the site with no restrictions? Sure. But it wouldn’t be for a year from now, and by then, it wouldn’t be as interesting anymore, nor would it be relevant. We live in a day and age now with 24 hour news services, and gossip sites all over the place that are putting up pictures of Britney’s va-jay-jay the night after it happens. People nowadays want to know your opinion right after it happens and not a minute later. If I had a tell-all interview with Chelsea a week after she got dumped by Matt, wouldn’t that be much more interesting than if she told me all this stuff a year from now? You’d be like, “Who cares? That’s old news.”

-So that’s where we stand. As far as me getting the interviews that I want to do, it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen because ABC doesn’t want us to see what’s going on behind the curtain. And that’s frustrating. And will ultimately lead to the demise of this column I’m sure. I’ve been at this thing for 6 years doing this just for fun. There’ll come a time I’m sure when I want to start doing more journalistic type stuff. I don’t know when that’ll be, but just know this isn’t gonna go on forever. In the meantime, we’ll all watch the show, laugh at it, make fun of the people on it, and have a jolly good time. Let’s get to it….

-Holy crap! They didn’t start with DeAnna getting dumped by Brad? What? What happened here? Oh yeah, I forgot. ABC reads my column. So whatever I say now, they’re going to do the opposite. I hear ya’. Thanks guys. Glad I have so much influence. We start out with Robert, Jason, and Fred headed up to the mansion because they got roses last week. All 9 bags of douche are told that there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a 2-on-1 where someone will get a rose, and someone will go home. Or so we thought. I definitely have some opinions on how that whole thing went down. The 1-on-1 date will go to whatever one of these composers can write and sing the best song for DeAnna. The only problem was, in the previews for the show, they show DeAnna on her 1-on-1 date dancing with a short dude with long hair. Gee? I wonder who that could be? It was kinda obvious who was going to win this Bachelor version of “American Idol”. And this episode took me probably an extra 15 minutes to watch this week because I had to make sure I wrote down all these guys lyrics correctly. Wouldn’t want to screw with this type of genius. So here goes nothing. Fred was up first. Ummmmm, he tried. I guess that counts, right?

Fred: He really can’t believe what he’s about to do. Or, as he put it, “Oh Maye Gay-ad”.

“The Bachelorette season is here again, DeAnna Pappas is searchin for a husband
She put her heart on the line, to find a man that’s funny and fine
DeAnna’s opened up with her heart and soul, If I see those pigtails again I may lose control
But what’s most important for to get, is that I’m here for her heart with no regrets”

Hmmmm….so Fred wants us to know that he reaches orgasm when he sees DeAnna in pigtails? Thanks for the visual Fred. Really appreciate that. I think I’m gonna go hurl my dinner.

Graham: He wants to let everyone know immediately that he can’t sing or write. “I’m gonna get through it by hoping everyone just laughs enough and I slide through the radar.” Ummmm, I think you mean slide under the radar, pal. Or maybe you just didn’t want to count your chickens before they broke open from the eggs. Or quite possibly, you were looking to kill two stones with one bird. Hey, do well enough in this competition, and you know what they say? “The squeaky tire gets the Armor All.” Graham, stop talking.

“Step out the side door, like a bird to the sky
When no one knows theres conflict between you and I
Twenty-five to one is a difficult time
Enjoy those cocktail parties and occasional glasses of wine”

It’s safe to say that Graham is the insecure one of the group. Always gotta be bringing up this is a competition and that there’s other guys in the house he’s competing against. Yes Graham, we know. This is the 16th season of this garbage. We are well aware of how the show works. Well, most of us are. The rest of them think the show is real, can’t want to run to their message boards everyday, and post 2,700 times in a 12 month period. I don’t even want to know what some of those people do for a living. There’s no possible way someone can be fully employed, work normal business hours, and post on message boards all day long. Impossible. And if they are, their job can’t be making them more than $10 an hour. Do these people, like, get to vote? They actually have a say in who gets to be our next President? God help us.

-I’d like to tell you what Robert sang but I couldn’t understand a word he said. He wore a cowboy hat, sunglasses, and mumbled his whole song. There is so much I find wrong with that guy, it’s not even funny. The best thing about him though is at least he doesn’t have very much of an ego. Seems very grounded with an uncanny ability to be right on point with how people perceive him. Dude, you’re a complete a-hole.

Twilley: We get one sentence of his gem.

“Oh darlin please, please don’t cry, I haven’t come, to say goodbye”

Thank you very much, Twilley. What a stirring rendition of “Twilley’s Piece of Crap Ballad”. Keep up the great work. If Robert is the biggest poser on the show, then Twilley is no doubt the underdog. But not the underdog that people cheer for. More like the underdog people feel sorry for. The effort is there, but the game is certainly not.

Jeremy: Well, since he’s too cool to sing, MC J-Dog figured he’d rap a few lines for us. Let’s just say Eminem isn’t shaking in his boots right now.

“Six guys in the house, which one do you choose
To take to dinner tonight, pick the wrong one and you lose
The chance to see what I absolutely believe
I’m the best for you, and I hope you do too”

I had a real hard time following along with that. Where did one verse end and the next one start? If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought the guy was a regular composer with that literary genius. Jeremey puts the pen to paper, and magic appears. And when I say magic, I mean a steaming pile of manure.

Sean: This guy is a country folk, so I was guessing he’d come up with something good for this. He’d just write a song like every other country one out there. His ex cheated on him, or his dog died, or his drinking problem, or driving his Chevy truck. This should be cake.

“When I look into your eyes, I feel my heart flutter
When I hear you speak, I do the same and stutter
You put your heart on the line that was inspirational
Every time we’re together, its always sensational”

At least his song made sense. It’s just that all he cared about was rhyming and nothing else. But the fact someone from Kentucky knows how to rhyme anything is about as impressive as it gets. I’m blown away. I was half expecting this guy to be blowing into a jug the whole time he was singing.

-Jason really lost me on his song. I think we got one line, but he was wearing Kanye sunglasses and wasn’t really making sense. Hey, can you blame him? His son has a star named after him now. He’s in the drivers seat.

Jesse: After he set his up with, “The two toughest things for me to do are write and sing”, it was kinda obvious he was getting the rose. Outside of the fact that we saw his 5′5″ midget ass dancing with DeAnna in the previews.

“DeAnna you make me smile on the inside and laugh on the outside
DeAnna your limo rides are awesome and your helo rides make me jealous
DeAnna I want you to know that this is real it’s just how I feel
DeAnna please don’t send me away cuz’ I’ll cry on the plane DeAnna”

He wins because he was on one knee the whole time and held her hand. None of the other brainiacs were smart enough to figure that out. Brian was last but he was a little too serious and I was tired of writing down lyrics. Just know he didn’t win. And Brian, Taylor Hicks called, he wants his gray hair back.

-All right. It’s obvious these guys had no game whatsoever. You want some lyrical free stylin’, you come to me. Gimmie a beat.

“Lying beside you, here in the dark, feeling your heart beat with mine,
Softly you whisper, you’re so sincere, how could our love be so blind,
We sailed on together, we drifted apart,
And here you are by my side,
(Chorus)
So now I come to you with open arms,
nothing to hide, believe what I say,
So here I am, with open arms,
Hoping you’ll see, what your love means to me
Open Arms”

Sniff, sniff. Sorry. Had to. Best slow song ever. And you think I’m kidding. Anyway, this is more like it:

“All right stop, collaborate and listen,
Ice is back with my brand new invention,
Something, grabs a hold of me tightly….”

Oops. I would never plagiarize from the Ice Man. I have a thing for “Ice Ice Baby” though. Seems to have become my default theme song. Just ask people at the last three weddings I attended.

Anyway, let’s get to it. The world premiere of Reality Steve’s song written for DeAnna Pappas

DeAnna DeAnna I like your style, you got a lotta spunk
Turn that booty around so I gets me some of that junk in the trunk,
Your body is slammin, it’s too legit to quit
So why are you letting these douchebags anywhere near it,
You’re blinking drives me crazy, it give me fits
But it’s all made up for by your perfect round melons on the front of your chest”

Bam! Awwwww yeah, bitch! Beat that Jeremy. If that didn’t win her heart, nothing would.

-So it’s time for the 1-on-1 date with Jesse and DeAnna is excited. “I’m not trying to change Jesse. I just wanna make sure our lives fit together.” And why wouldn’t they? He’s a dope smoking, clothing-line promoting, snowboarder from Colorado and you’re a realtor from Georgia. I mean, can two people be any more perfect for each other? Oh, they can’t? Oops. Well, I hope you enjoy your little concert anyway. They arrive at the Wiltern in L.A. (where they film the Hollywood rounds of “American Idol” for those that don’t know), and on the marquee, DeAnna has her own message put up: “One Night Only…..Just For You Jesse….Love DeAnna”. Awwwww….so sweet. It’s not like he got a star named after him, but cute nonetheless. Jesse’s favorite phrase to use is “Hey, you got anymore rolling paper?” No, kidding. Instead of saying “rad”, or “dope”, or “cool”, to him, things are “outta control”. I think he says this three times in the first two minutes of walking into the theater. He’s blown away. First by the fact he actually has on a suit and tie and normal dress shoes. And secondly, that he’s hanging at the Wiltern with a chick who isn’t baked out of her mind.

-Their date went o.k. I guess. She seemed to like him. He said all the stuff he’s supposed to say about wanting to be there for her, having an amazing time, and he knows how much he likes her because he hasn’t had a bong rip in at least 2 hours and that’s some sort of record for him. Which immediately impresses DeAnna. “You’ve definitely made an impression….I’m not gonna lie. I’m not typically attracted to someone like you.” Translation: I’ve never dated a stoner before. But maybe there is something good that can come out of it. Maybe become your dealer. Possibly move to Colorado and hang with the rest of your stoner friends. Maybe even take up snowboarding and be even more out of my element when I’m with you. Whatever DeAnna’s feeling right now, it’s definitely a positive for Jesse. He’s totally gonna score with this chick, like, totally. And apparently DeAnna isn’t bothered in the least bit by this Owen Wilson nose of his. Frankly, I can’t stop focusing on it. Let’s see, DeAnna was in love and fell for a guy that looked like Brad Womack, and now she’s telling us she’s interested in this troll snowboarder from Colorado? Well, at least she doesn’t discriminate. She’s proven to us that she will give the uglies a chance.

-DeAnna: “There is something so comfortable about Jesse – I don’t feel so pressured to have a relationship with him.” Wait, huh? I thought that’s what you were looking for? I thought you didn’t want to be led on again? Since when has anyone pressured you to be in a relationship. Brad dumped you, and you claimed you hadn’t dated since until this show began. So exactly what pressure are you referring to? Yeah, I’m confused. This chick doesn’t know what she wants. Maybe that’s why next week we’re getting a “DeAnna Tells All” episode as breaks down her final six. Really? Where the hell did that come from? Why are we getting a “DeAnna Tells All” episode in the middle of the season? Somethings not right about that. The only positive we get out of it is that next weeks episode is only a hour. Yippee. I find it awfully strange why we would need to hear DeAnna handicapping her final six when we they haven’t done that in sixteen previous seasons. AND, we’re still getting a “Men Tell All” episode later on. So, Matt and Shayne are the happiest couple ever, and we get an “After the Final Rose” episode, yet this season, we’re getting two different “Tell All” episodes? That obvioiusly means we’re not getting an “After the Final Rose” for this one either. I guess that the rumors are true then. And some of you may have read that Shayne posted on her MySpace page her and Matt will be having an “After the Final Rose” show sometime in July. If that’s the case, I hope they invite Chelsea for their own sake just to make the show interesting. I’ll try and find out if this is actually true.

-So these two got to slow dance to Natasha Bedingfield. I don’t know what album she had to promote, or what favor she owed Mike Fleiss, but I’m sure she got a hefty appearance fee to sing a romantic song on a show which has little to do with romance and love. Especially between these two. “I feel like I’m the only woman in the world with Jesse”. Really? Cuz’ it looks to me like you guys would be the shortest couple this show has ever produced. And if Jesse had any less rhythm, I think we’d officially be able to say he has two left feet. I think DeAnna is more caught up in the moment more than who she’s with. If that were her and Brad on the dance floor, she’d probably start crying. Brad Womack vs. Jesse the snowboarder. It’s killing her right now that six months ago, her life was in a much better place than it is now. Damn Brad. Look what you did. She’s stuck with these gaggle of misfits who can’t sing.

-The group date is next as she takes Jeremy, Jason, Sean, Twilley, Graham, and Brian to the race track. The guy with the highest speed around the track gets some time alone with DeAnna. And if stock cars and racin’ are involved, you know this is where Sean wants to be. Sean: “I’m in my element today baby! I’m takin’ it!”. Yep. Just give him a wad of Skoal, a mesh hat, and some beef jerky, and this bumpkin’ feels right at home. So these guys do their race and here’s the speed each guy got up to: Brian 140 mph, Jason 138 mph, Graham 136 mph, Jeremy 129 mph, Twilley 140.59 mph, and Sean 141 mph. Sean wins and couldn’t be more stoked “I’m droppin’ the hammer, baby!” Sean, quit yelling. At any point I was expecting a “Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaaaw” to come flying out of his mouth. Sadly, it didn’t. Nothing says “class” more than a “Yee-haw”. And Sean is full of class. And moonshine. So when Sean finally got some alone time, he wasted no time going for the corny cliche. “I feel like this is a race for your heart. And right now, I’m not in the lead. That worries me.” DeAnna’s response couldn’t have been more predictable: “When I say I know exactly what you’re going through, I know exactly what you’re going through.” Oh Christ. Here she goes again. Brad this, Brad that, I was dumped, I know how it feels, I’ve been in your position. I wonder how long into this season did ABC realize they made a horrible decision casting a chick who clearly isn’t over getting dumped?

-After Sean gets to hear DeAnna’s nonsense about once being in his position, now it’s Graham’s turn. They go under the bleachers and talk and flirty and have a grand ol’ time until it comes time for them to smooch. Uh oh. DeAnna: “You’re going to kiss me, right?” Graham: “I don’t want to be one of a bunch.” Ouch. This did not sit well with DeAnna. When she asks you to kiss her, you kiss her dammit. And basically calling her a kissing whore to her face probably isn’t earning you any bonus points Graham. Nice going. This isn’t like she asked you to bed her after she just rolled over on Jeremy or something. She’s asking for an innocent little kiss under the bleachers. Is that too much to ask? I guess for Graham it is because he’s Mr. Insecure. He doesn’t like that she’s kissed other guys, so he’s not kissing her until it can be special. Seems to me like DeAnna really likes Graham, but when you have to force some guy to kiss you, I’d say that’s a huge red flag. This guy should be ripping your clothes off the minute he gets you away from the other guys, yet this little skirt is worried you kissed somebody else that he’s acting like you have coodies. I hate to say this Graham, but for the love of God, grow a pair would you? Quit being such a vagina. Seriously. I expect that type of behavior from one of the girls during the “Bachelor”.

-Back at the mansion, Robert and Fred await their date box asking them “Who has a recipe for love? One rose, one stays, and one goes.” Yeah, sure they do. Kinda false advertising if you ask me. All the sudden now DeAnna can unilaterally change the rules of the game? Really? Her? Who you’ve bent over backwards for since Brad ditched her? Nice. At this rate, next season she’ll be producing the show as well. Robert is convinced he knows what it’ll take to get that rose. “It’s all about the kiss, man. Whoever she kisses will come back to the mansion.” Well, at least he got that part right since he was basically wrong about everything else he did or said that day. I can’t imagine a day going any worse than it did for Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert. Brutal. And oh yeah, Sean got the rose on the group date. Probably cuz they’re both from the South and he gave her some of his pork rinds to share. Either that, or he did his “Achy Breaky Heart” karaoke for her that they decided not to show us. Talk about a guy who went from a laughingstock in the 80’s to everyone’s favorite dad now. Billy Ray Cyrus sure has turned his career around. Good for him. Just try and keep that little nugget daughter of yours on the straight and narrow. She’s already starting to venture into Britney and Lindsay territory with all her internet mishaps. Please don’t ruin her. I like my Miley pure and innocent. I’m going to jail.

-The guys in the outhouse figured they would throw DeAnna a little BBQ because, well, the producers probably told them too. Nothing exciting has been happening and maybe they figured some good overreacting by DeAnna is just what this show needs right about now. And right on cue, it happens. Imagine that. So DeAnna the attention whore is feeling left out because no one is talking to her. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing the editing had a lot to do with this scene. I mean really? Nine guys throw a BBQ for her and all decided to play grab ass with each other? Please. All I know is Robert had on a polo shirt and popped his collar again because he’s a loser. The funny thing is, I bet all the guys in the house kept telling, “Dude, keep wearing your collar like that. It looks cool”, and Robert thinking the whole time that everyone’s trying to be his boy. When in essence, they’re all laughing at what a ridiculous look that is. Whoever told him it was cool to pop his collar is a freakin’ genius that this guy listened to them. He looks so unbelievably retarded, yet he’s completely clueless. He thinks he’s God’s gift right now. Far from it, buddy.

-Robert and his popped collar go back inside the outhouse and just sit there to pout I assume. He’s pouting because all the guys made him chef for the day and he felt like he was ganged up on. I guess there could be a little truth to that. Or they just picked on him because he’s an outcast with horrible fashion sense. Whatever the case, he’s by himself ignoring DeAnna. She comes in and asks him what’s wrong, he has no real good answer, so she storms off and confronts all the guys. While hyperventilating and crying, here’s goes another “woe is me” DeAnna rant. “You’re all breakin my heart….I came down here today to hang out with y’all and I feel all alone….If you don’t want to hang out, then go home….” Robert chimes in, “But I…I…I…errr…uhhhh…I…I…I”. DeAnna: “I’m not just talking about you Robert! God you’re such a wuss! I know this is hard. I know it’s not easy knowing I’m dating other guys and kissing other guys. Now I’m talking to you Graham, you pansy. I know how you guys feel! I’ve been in your position! (Awwww christ. Again with that stuff). I’m putting 100% into this and it’s just not fair.” No, what’s not fair is us being subjected to your scripted tirades re-living your past experience on the show. You know what that whole scene was about? DeAnna’s craving for more attention. Basically she said, “I’m who you’re here for. Everything about this BBQ should revolve around me. Please give me more attention.” Ugh. What a turn off.

-After that drama sequence, DeAnna has to get ready for her 2-on-1 date with Robert and Fred, you know, the one where “One stays and one goes home.” That one. Well, it’s later that night after her BBQ meltdown. And since it’s such a big date to find out if there’s chemistry with either of them, she decides that dinner at the mansion is the place to do it. I think this is the first 2-on-1 date in the shows history where the three of them weren’t out somewhere. Probably was a sign of things to come. Fred and Robert arrive and for the life of me, I couldn’t understand Roberts fashion sense yet again. Is the collar popped? No, thankfully. But the hell if his dress shirt isn’t unbuttoned halfway down his chest. Are you kidding me? Robert, of the nine guys left, you by far have the most unflattering figure out there. The Pillsbury dough boy is jealous of your stomach, yet you’re flaunting your chest like you’re Antonio Banderas. This guy is about the King of all Douches at this point. He couldn’t possibly come across as any more cheesy and creepy at the same time.

-DeAnna asks the guys what’s the most romantic thing they’ve ever done for a woman. Of course, Robert speaks up first with the biggest B.S. story this side of Matt and Shayne being in love. “I flew my ex-fiancee to Vegas, had a helicopter chartered, we toured all the sites, then we landed and I had five bags of red rose petals leading back to the bed where it spelled ‘I Love You’. Took me about 6 months to pay that all off but it was worth it.” Barf. I don’t believe that for a second. It was probably a bike ride on the strip, he bought 12 carnations, left them on the ground in front of the door to their room at the Imperial Palace, and spelled “I Luf You” wrong. There’s nothing genuine about this guy whatsoever, and he comes across as such a cheesed**k that I’m supposed to believe he chartered a helicopter around Vegas for the night? C’mon. Uhhhhhh, Fred? Your turn. Fred: “Way-ell aaaaahhhhh, I hay-ad my girlfriends bay-gs pay-cked when she gaat home from work and we went camping on Lake Geneva.” Well, I knew Fred couldn’t possibly have topped Roberts line of crap, so he went with the ol’ “surprise trip to Lake Geneva” card. Not bad. “A” for effort. But by the way he told the story, it sounded like he was making up as he went along.

-So after these two get done telling their fake romantic stories Robert pulls DeAnna aside for my favorite part of the show: him getting rejected. All the while Robert is telling us one-on-one to the camera what an amazing connection he and DeAnna have, they show him on the couch with her. And it’s 100% clear to everyone watching, except Robert, that she has no interest in him. “There is a connection between D and I. I can read people. It could get naughty. It could get naughty.” What???!!! Dude, you are so far gone, you’re hopeless. So as he’s telling this to camera, they pan back to him on the couch with DeAnna and he grabs her head, leans in, and asks for a kiss. Uhhh, no dice poser. DeAnna stones him and says, “Ooohhh, maybe here.” And turns her cheek. Outstanding. Best thing she’s done all season. And the best part? Robert acts like he’s satisfied with that. “That works.” Yeah, I bet it did. On the comedy scale, it definitely worked. A 10, no doubt. DeAnna: “I had to give Robert the dodge. I definitely didn’t feel like that was a romantic moment to kiss.” I hope Robert watched last night’s show in his room all by himself with the door closed. I’d be afraid to show my face in public last night after that performance. And yet, he still thought he was getting a rose.

-Freds alone time is up next, and your heart just goes out to the guy. Immediately, you just know this guy is in the “friends” category. Nice guy, will treat his woman well, but nice guys finish last. DeAnna wants something she can’t have, and she knows she can have Fred. Look at who she’s attracted to? Brad and Graham. One guy doesn’t want her anymore and the other presents a challenge. Oh well. Which then brings us to DeAnna being able to change the rules of the show. She gets back to the dinner table and says, “I’ve been on a 2-on-1 date before. I know how both of you feel right now (Just shoot me, please). But Robert, I cannot give you this rose tonight…..and if I was held at gunpoint and forced to be with you, I might just have to take the bullet.” Robert, needless to say, is stunned since he was put on this earth for two reasons and two reasons only: to cook and charm all women with his creepiness. “I’m not used to rejection. It’s a funny taste to stomach. Can’t believe I misread the connection. It’s sad. I had very real feelings for her.” All this while tears stream down his face. It was really heartbreaking, I tell ya’. It’s not very often that a Cassanova like Robert gets put in his place. How must it feel when all the women he’s ever encountered have just thrown themselves at him over the course of the years, and now on national television, the Greek chick that Brad Womack wanted no part of just gave you the turn away on a kiss and sent him packing? Gotta be rough. I’m he’ll be o.k. Just needs to regroup, throw on a pink polo, pop that collar, and get back out there. Ladies, the Rob-meister is back on the market.

-So with Robert gone, I’m sure Fred feels all excited he gets tonights rose. Not so fast, my friend. Remember, it’s DeAnna’s show and she’s making all the rules. Look, she knew damn well before the date that she didn’t feel a romantic connection with either of these guys. Why even give us the 2-on-1 “one stays, one goes home” line. This was all done for shock value. She could’ve easily given Fred the rose for the night, then just dumped him the next week. That’s not leading him on. It’s called following what the date card said. But of course, DeAnna has become part of the Moral Police now that Brad sh**canned her, and she’s now in a position of power to do something about it. She tells Fred, “I got led on by Brad and I cannot bring myself to lead you on too. I just don’t see it turning into anything more.” She can claim Brad led her on all she wants, but the fact is its complete ridiculousness. Brad had a contract to do a show that whittled 25 women down to one. I’m sure by the 2nd or 3rd episode he realized he wasn’t finding a wife on the show, but they still had 5 more episodes to do. He had to keep going and eliminating women. He couldn’t just up and leave and say, “Screw it. I don’t like any of them.” So he kept around the ones he liked better than others. If you can’t seem to grasp that concept honey, then I don’t know what to tell you. I’m sure Fred could care less about you talking about Brad yet again as you’re sending him home. DeAnna’s parting words: “He said all the things I wanted my future husband to say to me….but I did not see myself ever falling in love with him.” Gee, isn’t that almost word for word what Brad said about you? Then how come Fred is leaving with his dignity and wishing you all the best, but we had to listen to you whine and bitch for 3 months about being confused, and being led on, and all your other emotional outbursts? Hello pot? This is the kettle calling.

-The last ditch cocktail party was left. I’m really not gonna go into what happened here in detail since most of it was pretty uneventful. With Robert and Fred both leaving, seven guys remained, and six were getting roses, it was pretty obvious which final two were battling it out for the final rose. And Brian was one of them. He had some interesting things to say. “I never go to sleep mad. I hate that. I plan on getting married one time. That’s why I’m 31 and single. Just want it to be one time.” Hey, me too. That’s why I’m 33 and single. Don’t want to waste it on anybody I’m gonna end up hating in the end anyway. Thanks for the new lease on life, Brian. I’ve fully accepted my singlehood now thanks to your pearls of wisdom. I am a better man today than I was yesterday. Twilley got some alone time to act nervous and babble incoherently about some sort of connection he thinks they have. He’s just a giant goofball if you ask me. And Graham apologized for being such a wuss the during the racing date saying he finally removed his tampon and feels much, much better now. They kissed and it was awkward again. DeAnna likes kissing him with her eyes open and one seems to pull away from each other before the other does.

-Onto the rose ceremony. Jesse and Sean are safe with roses. DeAnna means business tonight. “This has been intense and emotional…..I apologize….thanks again…putting your hearts on the line for me….I can’t thank you enough….the fact that anyone still likes me after I talk about my ex as much as I do is really surprising…”

Jason: Forgot to mention that after the double dumping of Fred and Robert, DeAnna came back to a mansion with only Jason in it. He got some.
Jeremy: Definitely not because of his singing skills.
Twilley: Really? Again? Well, at least we only have one more week of him.

“Gentleman, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. I know this is tough since there’s Graham and Brian left. Considering Brian is a mute with gray hair and you’ve been slobbering all over Graham since he walked into the mansion, be sure to let Brian down easy.”

Graham: DeAnna really seems to like him and he really seems to not give a crap about the whole show.

-Brian didn’t leave us with any memorable comments before his departure. And rightfully so. We barely heard anything from him all season. So next week, we get a special “DeAnna Tells All” episode handicapping the final six. Develop your own conspiracy theories for that one since it’s never been done before. I’ve already got mine. Seems rather odd that they’re just gonna shoe horn in that show the week before the hometown dates. I’ve heard the rumors, and this show kinda lends a little truth to them if you ask me. We’ll see after watching what she has to say.

-One quick note, I emailed Chelsea about Shayne’s post on her MySpace on there possibly being an “ATFR” rose show in July and if she’s heard anything or if she’s been contacted to appear. She said she knows nothing about it. So I guess it’s gonna be an hour fluff piece re-visiting Matt and Shayne’s fairy tale love story, coupled with them telling us what their life has been like for the past couple months. Great. Can’t wait. I’ll be sure to set my Tivo for that. Anyway, if you have any questions, comments, queries, criticisms, praises, or need any sex/relationship/marriage advice, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week….

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

Since a lot of you seem to be asking, let me tell you where it stands: Unfortunately, it’s dead. Not gonna happen. Chelsea’s reps and ABC’s lawyers saw Tuesdays column where I promoted it, got involved, and pretty much told her, “No way are you gonna do this.” Gee, had no idea ABC’s lawyers even read my blog. I must be important or something. Please. So due to legal ramifications, I’m sorry to inform you that the interview will not happen. I’ll have some more thoughts on this in Tuesday’s column, but just know Chelsea apologized for not being able to do it as she was really looking forward to giving her honest thoughts on everything, but for fear of being involved with legal mess, she was informed it probably wouldn’t be in her best interest to go forward with it. I have to respect that, as much as I disagree. Lawyers. Psssshhhhh. Nothing but a nuisance. More to come Tuesday….

Steve

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-A few things to get to before getting started. The most important thing that happened this weekend was of course my birthday. Duh. That’s the most important thing every year on May 31st, right? Of course it is. Anyway, I was having a conversation with a friend/mistress/lover/acquaintence/associate/person of interest this past weekend, and the topic of my age came up. 33 is considered your “early 30’s” right? I figure it breaks down like this:

-When you’re 30, people say you’re 30.
-When you’re between 31-33, you’re in your “early 30’s”.
-When you’re between 34-36, you’re in your “mid 30’s”.
-When you’re between 37-39, you’re in your “late 30’s”.

Please tell me I’m right on this so I don’t have to say I’m in my mid 30’s. If 33 is considered “mid 30’s”, then I will not be in a good mood until my next birthday, when it would be officialy in my book. So please, humor me. Even lie to me if you have to. Can you have mid life crisis’ in your 30’s? Lets hope not.

-As some of you may be aware, VH1 acquired the rights to the “Bachleor” franchise, and starting this past Sunday, they are running the first 7 seasons over the next 7 days. Alex was Sunday, Aaron was yesterday, Trista is today (including Trista and Ryans 3 episode wedding show), Firestone is tomorrow, Bob is Thursday, Jesse is Friday, and Byron is Saturday. I don’t know when they’re going to run the remaining seasons, but that’s the schedule for this week for those that are interested. I purposely stayed away from that channel Sunday for fear of getting sucked in and spending the day watching all of season 1. Remember, I’ve never seen Alex or Aaron’s season. I started on Trista’s season. But of course, I had to check out at least some of Alex’s season, and I watched the last 5 minutes of his first rose ceremony. Holy gay parade, Batman. Alex was a little light in the loafers no doubt. And I didn’t really remember which chick he ended up with until they were showing all the girls talking about him and this blonde girl Amanda from Kansas with the giant rack came across the screen, and I remembered she looked familiar. Well, she didn’t, but her breasts did. I think that’s why they broke up. She had breasts.

-So last week, DeAnna gave us her “5 year plan” telling one of the guys that she expects to be married with one kid and a 2nd on the way. I thought that was pretty bold of her since who can predict that sort of thing? And that seems to be putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. I also that DeAnna’s comment reminded me of our favorite timeline girl, Lisa from Lorenzo’s season. You remember her, right? Got the first impression rose after hugging the tree, tried on a wedding dress during the hometown date, had bridal magazines sprawled out on the coffee table for Lorenzo to see, and also had a timeline of her own which consisted of being engaged within a year, married within two, and kids within 5. Or something to that effect. Well, Lisa has been nice enough to join us this week and give us an update on what life has been like since the show after ABC refused to update us during their “Where Are They Now?” episode. Has her timeline been met? How’s her dating life been? And most importantly, what was the deal with Lorenzo? Lisa, take it away…..

Hi RealitySteve Readers,

As for my dating life… I was dating a great guy for about a year but ended things last fall. It’s somewhat complicated but he just wasn’t the one. Since then I have been on somewhat of a dating rollercoaster. I keep meeting guys that end up being crazy. I swear that it is them and
not me. My adventures in dating could be turned into a movie. The good news is that I am having a blast and there are a couple of prospects that I am pretty excited about. I just hope that they don’t watch the VHI re-runs. I’ll keep you posted.

-I told you last week I was working on something for the site that I hoped would come through. Well, it’s official. I will be conducting a phone interview later this week with Chelsea from this past season of the “Bachelor”. Chelsea was left standing as you know after Matt decided to pick Shayne for whatever reason. Maybe some of you have seen exit interviews with Chelsea online since the show ended or read articles about her. Maybe you haven’t. Just know that this interview will be completely different than anything you’ve seen so far. Those were PC interviews. She took the high road. Well, I spoke with Chelsea last week and she’s ready to spill the beans only to Realitysteve.com! This is definitely an exclusive and you might want to tell everyone you know who watches the show to listen to this interview. You think you know what happened with Matt and Shayne? You have absolutely no idea. She will blow the doors off what goes on when the camera isn’t rolling. Definitely about as juicy of an interview you’ll hear regarding this show. I don’t want to spoil it just yet, but just know it’s going to be really good. I’ll let Chelsea tell you everything. The interview will either be done tonight, or Wednesday. Just waiting to hear back. So check back to the site in the next couple days for updates. She pretty much confirms everything I’ve ever thought about this show and have been trying to preach to you for years. Pretty much all of it is staged.

-And one final note as I’d like to get this off my chest. Congratulations to “Sex and the City” for raking in $55 million over the weekend becoming the #1 movie in America. It far exceeded critics expectations in terms of money made. Of course, that’s because critics are idiots. C’mon. Like that movie didn’t have every single female in America flocking to the movies this past weekend. Don’t believe me? It said today that 85% of ticket buyers were female. 85%!!!! For one stinkin’ movie!!! Unbelievable. But hey, those producers knew exactly what they were doing. The minute they announced that movie was coming, women started talking about this. For some reason, their lives revolve around everything Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte wear and do. Women actually think that’s how “life in the big city” really is and now it makes them think all of their boyfriends are cheating on them. Sickening. So with that said, I applaud you 85% women who went and saw that this weekend. As for the 15% male audience it received? All your balls should be sliced off with a chainsaw. “Because my wife/girlfriend dragged me to it” is not nearly a good enough excuse for any male to see that flick. None whatsoever. Onto last night….

-I guess we can assume that we are going to get the Brad montage every time the show opens. So now I’ll have to keep an eye out for the first time that DeAnna mentions her dumping within the show or else this game won’t be any fun since the Brad reference will happen within the first five seconds of every show. The show begins with Host Chris coming in and telling the guys about date boxes. Graham, Paul, and Jeremy will be moving into the mansion since they all received roses last week. So as the guys move into the mansion, the remaining nine talk about them. Once again, the conversation revolves around Jeremy. Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert: “Jeremy’s rubbed me the wrong way. I don’t think he’s the right guy for her.” I understand that Jeremy’s gotten two roses so far and has spent no time in the outhouse, and to the rest of the guys he’s considered the front runner, but why does it seem like every guy has a hard on for him? Let it go. You’ll get your turn. DeAnna doesn’t pick him anyway. I think guys would spend a little less time worrying about themselves and less about Jeremy….(cough, cough, Ron, cough, cough)….the world would be a better place. Or at least the outhouse would be. And I noticed that Host Chris is starting to dress like every single guy on the show. Just waiting for him to walk in with a hat or a cap on next.

-The first solo date goes to our resident science geek Richard. Needless to say, his beaker is going crazy in his pants right now. A girl wants to talk to him. A limo picks the two of them up and takes them to the top of a building in downtown L.A. In the limo, Richard asks DeAnna exactly what I’m asking myself, “How come I got the lucky invite tonight?” DeAnna: “I don’t know.” Great answer, D. Very reassuring. But at least you’re being honest. Well, I guess honesty would’ve been, “Because ABC told me to give you one.” So after getting to the top of a building and looking at other tall buildings (wow, some date), it’s time for these two to start interacting and getting to know each other. DeAnna makes it clear to the viewers that she picked Richard for the date tonight to see if there was a romantic connection or she just saw him as a friend. Uh oh. The dreaded friend line. She asks him what the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a girl was. After five seconds of silence, Richard breaks out the ol’ “Planned a picnic overlooking the Ontario Lake and watched the stars” card. Take it from Mr. Romance here when I say that’s not really that romantic. Why? Because everyone’s done a picnic at some point. I mean, it’s thoughtful and all. Just not very original and romantic. Plus, I think Richard made it up anyway. Why do I say this? Because of what we find out later about Richard.

-DeAnna however thinks its really romantic but tells him she’s always wished she could see a shooting star since she never has. It’s at this point in the conversation where Richard stops trying to get in her pants and goes into full science nerd mode. He probably should’ve put on his goggles and lab coat when he told her, “A shooting star has nothing to do with a star at all.” I’m gonna help Richard out here a second. Buddy, anytime science is brought up on a date, consider it failing. Unless you’re dating another science nerd, no female wants anything scientifically broken down for them while being woo’ed. Unless you’re explaining the science behind how the male and female mate. That’s the science card that I always go for. Explaining how making babies with me would be so awesome. And worthwhile. Usually they are down for that stuff. And usually they’re about .23 at the time. Never fails.

-Their next interesting topic of discussion is Richards job. Not so much the science behind it, but rather the thing that women most care about – how much he makes. Richard: “The passion for what I do is bigger than my income.” You can say that again. You mean science teachers aren’t raking in six figures? However, DeAnna is not fazed by this at all. “I would much rather be with a guy who loves what he does, than just one who does something because it makes him a lot of money.” I think anyone with half a brain saw that line coming from a mile away. What else is she gonna say? “Really? You make peanuts? Man, that sucks. Why don’t you get a job that pays better? It’ll be much more fulfilling.” Yeah, not really an option at that point. Making fun of the guys job on a solo date probably wouldn’t have been the smartest thing to do. Especially with Richard. Why? Well, then this came out of his mouth when DeAnna asked him what his parents thought of his ex-girlfriends. Richard: “I’ve never brought somebody home to meet my parents.” Translation: I’ve never seen or felt boobies before. This date is not going to end well for good ol’ Richie.

-So in one final attempt to see if Richard is remotely compatible with a woman that doesn’t need to be blown up, he and DeAnna take a horse carriage ride around the streets of L.A. I liked this ride for one reason: They stopped in front of the L.A. Philharmonic auditorium downtown. Not that I care what happens inside of that building, it just reminded me of Season 6 of “24″ when they blew up a bus in front of that building in the first 3 minutes of the season. Those damn suicide bombers. Wait a second. Was I allowed to write that? Isn’t Big Brother monitoring all emails and texts looking for words that might spark some sort of terrorist attack? Yikes. Well, you know if I don’t have a column up next week, it’ll be because I was arrested for typing the words “s u i c i d e”, “b o m b e r s”, and “t e r r o r i s t” within three sentences of each other. Anyway, here’s DeAnna’s take on the whole horse carriage ride as she lets Richard down easy. Sort of. “You have all these great qualities I’m looking for, but I think that what I need to find in a husband, I didn’t have with you.” So with that, DeAnna doesn’t offer Richard a rose and the taxi which was trailing them in the background during the whole carriage ride, is ready to take him away. DeAnna is very broken up about this. Why? Let her tell you. “I know what it feels like. But I just can’t make the same mistake Brad did.” Yessssssss!!!!!! 26 minutes into the show and we get our first “Brad dumped me. Woe is me” comment. If this chick ever plans on settling down and having a future with someone, she might want to take down all the Brad Womack posters in her room.

-Next up is the group date for everyone that’s not named Richard or Jason since Jason received the other solo date for the night. This date consisted of all the guys being given cowboy gear as they were dun’ fixin’ do to some ol’ country bumpkin’ stuff. I’ve noticed that anytime DeAnna references the fact she’s from the South, or talks about anything Southern, her accent gets thicker. She tells the boys when they arrive at some barnyard, “We’re fixin’ to do some line dancing.” Great. I’ve lived in Texas almost two years now. The last thing I would consider myself is from the South. And I’d like you to know that in my time here, I have yet to say “Y’all”, or that I was “fixin’ to do” something. Feel free to shoot me if I do. Another guy who won’t be uttering those phrases anytime soon? Fred from Chick-aaaaa-go. Fred: “Aye-m a city gay. Aye-m from da’ hairt of Chick-aaaaa-go.” I don’t think Fred was necessarily in his element during this dog and pony show that they called line dancing. In fact, none of them were. Elaine from “Seinfeld” had more rhythm than these clowns as they all tried desperately to line dance. It did not go well whatsoever. I’m pretty sure someone injured themselves at some point. I sprained my eyeballs just watching it. Could they have possibly found 10 more uncoordinated guys than this group? Having all of them arrive on a short, yellow bus would’ve seemed more appropriate.

-After the horror that was line dancing, it was time to ride the mechanical bull. If I’m not mistaken, the last time we saw this was during Andy Baldwins season. It was much more watchable then since we got to see a bunch of chicks slowly get off to something mechanical. Good stuff. This time? Not so much. Sorry, but Ron the divorcee trying to ride a bull really doesn’t get my blood boiling. Jesse lasted the longest on the bull and thats probably because he was completely baked. Have you noticed Jesse’s nose bears a striking resemblance to Owen Wilson’s? They both look like they’ve broken about four times. Look for that next time he’s on camera. But now, it’s DeAnna’s turn to ride the bull. For a second, I was hoping they’d have a cut out picture of Brad on the bull’s face just so she could finally get what she wants, but it didn’t happen. She wanted to play a trick on the guys by falling off and pretending she was hurt. And based on who came running toward her immediately, she’d give them a rose. At least DeAnna isn’t very needy at all. She falls, Jesse is the first to give her attention, so he gets a rose. Although the best part about the whole thing was the guys who didn’t come running. Not only did Ron the divorcee not even move a muscle, the dude still had his mug of beer in his hand. I gotta give Ron credit. Not seeing if your lady is o.k. because you weren’t done with your beer yet is pretty commendable. I can’t imagine why that guys previous marriage never worked out.

-Skip to nighttime and it’s time for “Fireside singing with Twilley the completely obnoxious and over acting dweeb”. As everyone is sitting around the campfire, he tells them to repeat after him. He’s got a song. And boy does it suck. “Goin’ on a lion hunt…..I’m not afraid…..I got my gun…..Boom!!!!” Yep. That’s it. Twilley has outdone himself yet again. He’s officially the “guy that tries way too hard for attention”. That was awful, sir. Sit down and shutup. Let the other guys make asses of themselves. Like Ron. It’s now time for the Ron vs. Jeremy battle to commence. Ron has a hard on for Jeremy. And if that isn’t a play on words, I don’t know what is. You know, because Ron Jeremy has the biggest dong in the world. Anyway, Ron and DeAnna get some alone time, and DeAnna confronts him about calling out Jeremy because he’s gotten two roses. Ron tells her, “I’m a guy’s guy. Iron sharpens iron.” I think he was basically calling Jeremy gay. I’ve never told a woman that “iron sharpens iron” before, so I can’t really relate. But I think he was trying to make himself seem like he cuts down giant trees with his bare hands while Jeremy likes taking bubble baths and going to the “Sex and the City” premiere. I think. Then Ron basically tells DeAnna to shut up. “My issue is between he and I and is not part of your process.” Ron, are you actually trying to get booted off the show? Cuz’ you’re doing a hell of a job. Who says that to the woman he’s supposed to try and win over? Why not just tell her she looks ugly? And that her blinking seizures bother the piss out of you?

-Speaking of pissing, Jeremy is none too pleased to be responding to Ron. “I’m not here to have a pissing match with Ron. I’m here for DeAnna.” This all came after Ron tells Jeremy after returning from his time with DeAnna “You lack something. There’s a level of tact that’s missing.” Can’t we all just get along? So maybe Jeremy likes sponging with a loofah, doesn’t mean we all have to make fun of him now, does it? What a somber mood that campfire was. Everyone just bickering at each other. So Fred and Graham take it upon themselves to leave the campfire from hell, and go find DeAnna. She’s talking with Jeremy who’s crying on her shoulder because all the other kids are laughing at him. Graham and Fred bust in on them, sending Jeremy away so they can get alone time. I don’t really remember much that was said other than it was said in a thick, Chicago accent as he was downing a nice, fat, bratwurst from Ditka’s restaurant. Or something like that. Fred could fit right into the “Bearsssssss” SNL skit if he just tried. Who knows? Maybe he was one of them. Whatever the case, he sure is entertaining to listen to. I never cheer for any of the people on these shows because I could care less who goes far and who does well. But I enjoy Fred’s company. He and I should get together and go bowling sometime. He’s not long for this show, but he still seems like a decent guy. Here’s to you Freddie. Even if you don’t make it to the final four. Which he doesn’t.

-One guy who isn’t feelin’ the campfire love is “Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert”. He’s kinda down in the dumps. He tells the rest of the guys that if he doesn’t get any alone time with DeAnna, he may just off himself. Or burn himself with a spatula. Actually, he’s basically just whining she hasn’t talked to him yet. Well, whaddya’ know? Here comes DeAnna to take Robert away because she feels “something’s wrong”. The Chef tells her like it is: “Chemistry is a two-way street. And I haven’t seen that since the first night.” Apparently that line did the trick because at the end of the night, she gave the Chef the rose so he’s safe for the night. Boy, does that make him giddy. “Bobby boy’s movin’ up to the big house, baby!” Ok, if it wasn’t bad enough last week this guy was wearing a pink shirt. If it wasn’t bad enough that he popped his collar on that pink shirt. Now he’s referring to himself in the third person as “Bobby boy”? So yeah, I pretty much think this guy’s a douche to the highest degree. And yes, later on in the show he’s popping his collar yet again. Anyway, to send us out of this miserable campfire date, all the guys sing “Home on the Range” to DeAnna so poorly, it made Maddie start howling. Thanks a lot guys. You have no idea how excited I was to see Maddie yesterday after I got back from my trip. I realized how much I missed her when her snoring last night didn’t bother me in the least. Hell, she’s on the bed right now still snoring away. Can I give her some airstrips to put on her nose for that?

-Now it’s time for Jason’s solo date. I find it funny that both guys with solo dates this episodes, Richard and Jason, both wore the exact same outfit: Blazer, long sleeve dress shirt, and jeans. But outside of Jesse, I think that’s pretty much the look all these guys go for. In fact, that’s probably what I would’ve worn out on the date, so forget it. I don’t know where I was going with that other than I could fit right in on this show. Well, except I’m not gay. Couple of these douches have me beat there. So Jason and DeAnna get picked up by helicopter and taken to the Mt. Wilson observatory to have dinner, look at stars, and plant the seed for Jason and her to live happily ever after. Over dinner, Jason reveals he has a 3 year old son named Ty. DeAnna isn’t put off by it at all. And then Jason lays it on thick. He shows her pictures of Ty, says he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, he loves reading a book and snuggling with him at night. I mean, if those weren’t panty dropper lines, I don’t know what was. I’m sure it’s all true, but let’s be honest, he knew he score points telling her that. Most guys would. He had an interesting answer when asked about his marriage. “We dated for five years, and were married for two. Before he was one, she went in a different direction.” Hmmmm….wonder what that means? If Jason has custody, she must’ve royally f’ed up. I need to find out these things.

-So Jason and DeAnna get into even more deep conversation as he asks her about her mother who died when she was young. I think Jason has racked up about 10,000 points on this date. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he’s the final one just based on this date alone. I think I’ll need to re-arrange my final four also considering this guy’s a shoe-in for that. She’s eating all of this up. DeAnna: “In 26 years, I’ve never dated a guy that cared to know anything about my mother.” Ok, that’s it. Just crown him the winner right now. I’m serious. If she’s got no problem with the fact he has a kid, which she claims she doesn’t, and ABC isn’t pulling some ridiculous editing job on us, then she’s going to pick him. I think this date pretty much laid the ground work for these two. There’s no other guy in the house that’s she spoken remotely this serious about. Not even close. Jeremy is a complete fairy compared to this guy. His wussiness will prevent him from being the final guy. Yes, wussiness is now a word. So now it’s off to the big, giant telescope for these two to look at stars. Maybe not seem important now, but it will later. However, I think Richard and Jason should’ve been given each others dates. Don’t you think Richard would’ve just creamed himself getting to look through the giant telescope? He’d have been like a kid in a candy store. Jason could’ve told her his Ty story over dinner on top of the building in downtown. ABC messed that one up. And oh yeah, to end the night, Jason asked if he could kiss her. She said yes. Then removed her panties. Needless to say, Jason got a rose.

-Time for DeAnna to take the remaining 11 guys to meet her new best friend, Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen sits the guys down and begins grilling them. First asking them to each answer, “What’s the best thing about DeAnna?”. All the guys gave some sort of suck up answer. “Makes me smile”, “good heart”, “feel special around her”, blah blah blah. Next question. “Who’s kissed her?” Graham, Jason, and Jeremy raise their hand. Next question. “Who’s had the longest relationship here? Who’s had the shortest?” Well, Mr. Sunshine Ron was married for 12 years. Graham reveals to us his longest relationship ever, in all the time he’s been on this planet, has been 5 months. Ummmm, really? 5 months, Graham? You’re serious? You probably don’t want to be admitting that to someone is looking for a husband. Kinda hard to expect her to marry a guy who’s never been in a long relationship before, can you? I’ll make a prediction right now. And I’m really going out on a limb here: Graham is not the final one. I know, I know. Sounds crazy. But this woman has a timeline to live up to. She needs to be married with 2 kids within the next 5 years. You think she’s gonna get that dilly dallying around with Graham and his commitment issues? Please. She’s got eggs that need to be fertilized. Pronto!

-After meeting with the guys, Ellen helps handicap some of the guys for DeAnna. “Graham is definitely scared. You need to have a talk with that boy and get him to open up. Communication is key and I don’t think this guy has it. Portia and I talk all the time about what kinky girly things we’re going to do to each other.” Portia de Rossi and Ellen. I thought the lipstick lesbians liked being with other lipstick lesbians? That one I’ll never understand. Ellen also tells DeAnna that Jeremy is “the most ready”. The most ready for what? A sex change? Taking a knitting class? A day at the spa wearing cucumbers on his eyes? She also tells her that Jesse is the “most fun”. And by that, she meant “it’ll be non-stop laughs and giggles when he’s sparking up in the house. That guy will be a riot. Be sure to have your pantry stocked with Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, and Doritos.” I found it rather odd that Ellen was helping DeAnna with men. I mean, cuz’ we all know what an expert Ellen is on that subject. What’s with these two’s relationship anyway? Just because she got dumped, Ellen felt bad for her and basically was the driving force to her being cast as the “Bachelorette”? I don’t get it.

-One last thing for Ellen to prove to us how adept she is in the men department. She’s giving out today’s rose and basing it on everything she’s seen and heard thus far. And one final judgment: Seeing all the guys wearing their “Ellen” boxers. Very clever. Yet another thing Ellen has zero expertise on: a man’s junk. Here’s my theory on why women like Ellen. She’s non-threatening. Same reason why women like Katie Couric. If Katie Couric had the exact same career path she’s had up to this point, but the whole time was a 6 foot blonde with 36 D’s that showed her cleavage on every broadcast, women would hate her. Women like women they don’t feel intimidated by. “Dancing with the Stars” is a good example. Why do men always win that show? Because it’s voted on by 95% women. And women don’t like women. Not all, but most. You’re telling me Stacy Kiebler wasn’t a better dancer than Jerry Rice? Please. Women didn’t vote for her. You’re telling me women liked Scary Spice’s sexuality and attitude? Please. So why did Kristi Yamaguchi? For the exact reason I just gave you. She’s non-threatening. She doesn’t exude any sexuality next door. Kristi Yamaguchi is gummy bears, cotton candy, and potpourri all rolled into one. It’s easy for women to relate to her because she’s so nice and dainty. I don’t even really know what the definition of “dainty” is, but it sounded good. Anyway, that’s my time-tested theory. Don’t try and disprove it. Oh yeah, Fred got the rose from Ellen. His reaction? “Aye-bsolutely feels great. Huge shaaack. Huge shaaack.”

-Time for the cocktail party so these guys can make their final impressions. First up, Ron the cliche machine who was once divorced. He’s already given us, “Iron sharpens iron”, I wonder what he has in store for us now? Ron: “When I woke up this morning, I said to myself, ‘You know what? I don’t think she’s my type of girl?’ But after hearing what you had to say about opening up, I definitely got a case of the ‘Deions’. If you want to keep me around, I want to stay.” Hey Ron, what exactly is a “case of the Deions”? Her name is DeAnna. You really f’ed that one up. I can see where you were going, but it failed miserably. And did you really need to tell her that less than 24 hours ago, you didn’t think she was your type? I couldn’t think of an easier way to secure yourself of not getting a rose than what Ron just did. Well, other than walking around the house talking about another guy the whole time. Oh wait, he’s done that too. Yeah, Ron still seems to be a little bitter from his divorce. Let it go, Ronnie.

-Hey, what a surprise! Jeremy comes in and steals DeAnna away from Ron. I thought he didn’t want any more pissing matches? Anyway, Jeremy asks DeAnna a very important question. “Is Dallas a place you’d ever consider moving to?” Hmmmm….great question. Why don’t I take the time to answer that for any ladies pondering that question as well? Yes. It is. Because Jeremy lives here. And me. Shouldn’t that be a good enough reason? Here’s how I’ll break it down for you: If you move here, you can shop at one of our gazillion malls all within about a 5 mile radius of each other, you can live in a house twice as big for what you have now for dirt cheap, and you can eat at any chain restaurant known to mankind as there seems to be one on every block. And oh yeah, you can pretend you’re in L.A. or Vegas and go to the Ghost Bar in the downtown W hotel and hang out with the rest of those pretentious a-holes. And for historical perspective, you can go take the tour of where JFK was shot. if you like shopping, eating, and living in a giant house for cheap, Dallas is the place for you. Geez. I should be the mayor of this freakin’ city with my wealth of knowledge. Don’t mind the 105 degree temperatures from June – August. You’ll get over it. I’m sure there are other fabulous things that I’m overlooking, but those are the basics. Golf too. There’s 1 billion golf courses in this city which suits me just fine. Don’t mess with Texas.

-Time for Graham to turn into a wuss. Happens every single season on cue. There’s always that one person who’s bothered by the fact that the woman, or man, that they’re dating, is also dating everyone else in the house. Why people are put off by this, or let this bother them, is beyond me. If it’s that much of an issue, you probably shouldn’t go on the show. Because you know what? It’s going to happen. DeAnna may tongue wrestle you on the beach one day, but just know the next day, she’s playing tonsil hockey with the guy who sleeps right next to you. Graham, you seem bothered by all this. Well, DeAnna isn’t sold on you just yet anyway. “Have you dated enough to know what you want?” Ummmm, that would be a big, fat “no”. Unless you consider a one time, 5 month relationship as being “experienced”. Television seasons last longer than 5 months, Graham. And don’t blame it on the fact that you’ve moved all around. Not a good enough excuse. There are tons of people that have moved around and could carry a relationship longer than that. Whatever the case, Graham lets DeAnna know he’s not that thrilled with her and other guys, but he likes her and wants to see it work. Then they plant one of the more awkward kisses I’ve ever seen. She’s kissing him, she opens her eyes, his are still closed, she pulls away, he’s still kissing….it was a giant clusterf**k. Yet DeAnna somehow thought the kiss was amazing. Weird.

-Even though Jason is safe, she pulls him aside for some alone time because she has something to give him that’s all rolled up in her hand. No, it’s not her panties. I’m sure that came later. As did Jason. No, what she has is a scroll that says she has named a star after his son Ty. Ok, quick recap to what these two accomplished tonight: She wasn’t bothered he had a kid, she melted when he asked her about her mother who’s been dead for years, and now she named a star after his son? Ummmm, check please? Turn out the lights, the party’s over. I’m just sayin’. And how in the hell can DeAnna Marie Pappas from Georgia all the sudden start naming stars after people? Does ABC have pull with the Solar System or something? Can I go get a star named after myself? Or how about naming a star after my unit, Krull the Warrior King? It’s fascinating what DeAnna is able to do. She can now just name stars because she feels like it? Now, I didn’t write down the coordinates, so I have no idea where star Ty is, but hey, it’s out there. I guess I was wrong about DeAnna falling for a guy with a kid who lives halfway across the country. I just am kinda confused considering she said how close she is to her family and doesn’t want to move far away. Dallas? Yes. Freakin’ Seattle? From Georgia? I’m guessing no. We’ll see.

-Ok, so Host Chris takes DeAnna into the deliberation room and kills the next 10 minutes since this is a 2 hour show. They needed to fill with something. All he does is ask her opinion on some of the guys, and she doesn’t say anything that we haven’t heard come out of her mouth already. “Is Twilley too over the top?”, “Jesse and I have so much in common”, “Graham needs to let his guard down”, “Do I want to marry into a family with Jason?”, yeah, yeah, yeah. We get it. Let’s get this rose ceremony over with. Robert, Jason, and Fred all have roses, so they’re safe. Time for DeAnna to babble. “Appreciate all of you….put your lives on hold for me…easy decision 2 days ago….but now this is harder than I expected….I think Brad would be very happy with my decision since I’m doing this all for him.”

Twilley: What? Is she retarded? Twilley? Really?
Jesse: I’ve heard he has a clothing line and that’s why he wears the clothes he does. Self promotion maybe?
Jeremy: I have a feeling if this guy ever saw he had a hair out of place, he might just lose it and chuck his mascara at someone.
Brian: I don’t know if he even spoke this episode. In 2 hours. Not good for his future.
Graham: I heard one time, he kissed a girl. It was back in 5th grade.

“Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. You have Ron, Paul, and Sean left. None of them get your girlie parts going, but we’re forcing you to give it out anyway. Whenever you’re ready.”

Sean: Yet another guy that barely got in two words tonight. Probably doesn’t bode well for him either.

-So the two who got booted were Paul the midget Canadian nudist (I seriously think that guy was 5 feet tall), and Ron the cliche divorcee. Ron, any parting words? “I don’t feel rejected. The tree has to get knocked down before it gets to bear its fruit. If she Jeremy is what she wants, fine. But they’re doomed for failure. She didn’t reject me – she just chose other guys.” Ummmm, whatever dude. You can spin it all you want. She rejected you. Because if she liked you, she would’ve kept you. Pretty simple stuff. This show isn’t rocket science. If it was, Richard would still be around explaining to us how the earth revolves around the sun.

-So that’s it for this week. Good to be back. California was fun, but now it’s back to business in good ol’ Teh-jas. That’s my clever way of saying Texas. You know, cuz’ I’m such a Southern boy. Anyway, check back the next couple days for the Chelsea interview. Trust me, you’re not going to want to miss this. It’s going to be a recorded interview, so if your computer doesn’t have speakers, go find one that does. This won’t be a written interview since that’ll take waaaaaaaaay too long to transcribe. Any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, belated birthday wishes, send them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next time…..

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-I figured out why the “Bachelorette” isn’t nearly as fun as the “Bachleor”: Because men aren’t catty towards one another. Sure you’ll get a disagreement here and there, but all in all, mens attitude towards things tends to lean to, “Whatever.” So you’re just not gonna get any great drama on this show than you would during the “Bachelor”. As for that push-up contest? Please. Completely staged by the producers. I seriously doubt two guys were that mad at each other that they challenged each other to a push-up contest. How gay can you get? And let’s not forget the most important reason why the “Bachelorette” isn’t nearly as interesting as the “Bachelor”: These guys are boring. I mean, did you catch DeAnna and Graham’s date at the beach? I almost fell asleep. Could the guy have looked any more disinterested? How about that wild, wacky night at the Magic Castle when, ummmm, uhhhhhh, nothing happened. More guys that bored me to tears. Why they insisted on making every episode of this season 2 hours is beyond me. That easily could’ve been an hour show last night. They dragged out both group dates way longer than they needed to. But hey, last night wasn’t without its moments, which we’ll get to briefly.

-Before we get started, one quick note, I’m heading to California tomorrow morning as my 33rd birthday is this weekend. And since I have so many things planned, figured it was time to take another trip back to see friends and family. And by “so many things planned” I mean “not much at all.” I’ve never been a big birthday guy so it’s kinda just like any other day to me. But 33? Really? I’m gonna be 33? Boy how time flies. I wonder if I’ll now be looked at as the creepy, early 30’s guy who’s single and never been married? Who knows? Maybe I’m already “creepy, 32 year old guy who’s single and never been married” and I don’t even know it. I’m sure some of you have thought it. Whatever. I can’t control why I’m not married yet. But as a kind gesture to my readers as my Alzheimers starts to set in and prune juice becomes my morning drink of choice, I may have a birthday present to give to the rest of you. Check back on the site tomorrow. If something is here, then you know I was able to get it done before I left. If not, I’ll try and get it up after I get back. That didn’t sound right. I’ve got no problems with that last time I checked. Which was about 5 minutes ago. Anyway, keep your fingers crossed that I can get this piece done before I leave, but if not, I’ll give you an update in next weeks column to where it stands. If it still stands at all. And no, I couldn’t be any more vague if I tried. Just know it has something to do with what I wrote in last weeks column. I just can’t mention it again for fear of it getting killed. More vagueness.

-So remember last week I said I was going to make it a mission that on every episode this season, I was going to see how long it took them to reference the fact that DeAnna was dumped by Brad. Know how long it took this week? .0000001 seconds. I think Brad’s face was the first thing we saw when the show came on the air last night. And we got to re-live that glorious day where Brad did his best Kelli Taylor impression, dumping both Jenni and DeAnna, and choosing himself. Awesome. That’s the best moment in “Bachelor” history by far. But here we are today, and DeAnna is spewing nonsense. “I learned a lot from dating Brad. I won’t make the same mistake twice.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Exactly what mistake is that? He dumped you, remember? And even 3 months after he dumped you, you still weren’t over it and crying on national television wanting answers. Don’t make it seem like you wore the pants in that relationship and finally cut him off at the end. If you’re gonna go back now and pretend like you made a mistake by falling for the guy, then that just makes you phony, and why should we believe anything you do this season with your band of boring douchebags? Own up to it, DeAnna. You fell for a guy that wasn’t nearly as into you, and you got dumped. Quit talking about your ex like you were married for 15 years. You knew the guy for six weeks for christ sakes.

-As the show starts out, we are told by Host Chris what the living situation will be like this season. If you read the internet already about this season, you knew what the “twist” was. If not, you were probably as surprised as the guys pretended to be last night. Each week, three guys will get to sleep in the same bed…..I mean…..stay in the mansion with DeAnna, while the rest of the guys stay in a bunkhouse at the bottom of the hill where they have to sleep on bunkbeds and shower outside. And this couldn’t make Paul the nudist any happier. I think if that guy could do this show naked, he would. One guy who isn’t thrilled with the new living arrangements? Fred from Chick-aaaaa-go. “I cal it da’ Waaaak of Shame. It just means we’re fare-ther and fare-ther from DeAnna.” Gotta love those Chicago accents. They sound so intelligent. I’m still debating if the Minnesota or Chicago accent is the worst on the planet. I’ll get back to you on that one. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you Canada. Your moose dialect isn’t too charming either. It’s just that since you’re not U.S.A., I really don’t give a crap about you.

-The first date card arrives and it’ll be Jason the bastard father, Ryan the homely virgin, Sean the mullet, Twilley the Blaine (he’ll have a new nickname shortly), Paul the nudist, Fred the accent (I don’t feel like typing Chick-aaaaa-go every time I see him), and Richard a.k.a. Mr. Wizard, as they’ll be headed to the Magic Castle in Hollywood. Why such a cool place like that decided to associate themselves with this show, I have no idea. I’ve been to the Magic Castle at least 4 or 5 times and had a blast every time. But you couldn’t really tell how fun it was by watching those 5th rate magicians perform last night. Could they only get the amateurs to appear last night? Headliners too busy? I mean, seriously. Could we get something better than the tired old card trick and the “disappear from the box” trick? I think 5th graders even know how those tricks are done by now. Yeah, I wouldn’t say those were the best magicians they could’ve pulled. One of them even gave Jason a bird to hold. I thought that was cute. I figured Jason could hold on to that and give it as a gift to his 3 year old son that he decided to desert for 6 weeks while he went on a reality dating show to find a new mommy. Seems like a nice guy, which makes it that much more strange that if his 3 year old is the most important thing in the world to him, why he would up and leave the kid for 6 weeks. Still scratching my head on that one. And on no level can I find that the least bit acceptable. I’m sure his kid won’t either.

-So DeAnna calls Jason up on stage, they get in the magicians box and disappear for some alone time. And no, they didn’t just crawl back out the other side of the box while the cameras were panning the looks on the rest of the doofus’ faces. As for Jason, I’m guessing he was looking to get into a different kind of box. But I’m sure he was happy disappearing for some alone time with DeAnna. We all know he has no problem disappearing for his 3 year old son, so this should come quite easy to him. And if you think I’ll ever let up on the “Jason left his kid for 6 weeks” cracks, you’re sorely mistaken. So he and DeAnna begin discussing life and the world and the conversation just couldn’t be any more riveting. DeAnna: “Where are you from?” Jason: “Seattle.” DeAnna: “I’ve never been to Seattle. I just have this vision that its raining all the time and everyone falls in love.” Yep. Right on the mark, DeAnna. You nailed it. It rains 300 days a year, everyone falls in love, and the ones that don’t just kill themselves being it’s the city with the highest suicide rate in the U.S. Sounds like a great place to live. You’re hopped up on Starbucks all day long, you walk around with an umbrella permanently strapped to your back, and your life is miserable. How exactly did Seattle get the nickname the “Emerald City”?

-These two’s conversation couldn’t have gotten any more boring. DeAnna: “What kinda music do you like?” Jason: “Old Michael Jackson.” Hey, even I like old Michael Jackson. I just wouldn’t tell anyone that on a first date. I’d at least wait til I got laid before I let that out of the bag. Kinda like the whole “Reality Steve” thing. That’s kept under wraps until I absolutely feel 100% confident that the person I’m with has ever seen five seconds of any show that I watch. If not, I can pretty much guarantee it ain’t gonna work out. Yep. 33, single, and never married. I guess I just answered my own question. So Jason tells DeAnna he lives with his younger brother, but doesn’t tell her about his 3 year old son yet. That comes next week. Any of you rooting for Jason to get the final rose, you might wanna squash those hopes right now. Now, we don’t know the whole situation behind him having a 3 year old son. He could be a widow, or he could just have custody, I’m not sure. But I’m about 99% positive that if Jason were to get the final rose, he’s not gonna be able to just pack up all his things and bust out to Georgia for the rest of his life. And I’m guessing DeAnna, even if she is ok with the fact he has a 3 year old, is not gonna take off for Seattle, Washington having grown up in the South. Just doesn’t seem like something she’d do. So by my brilliant logic, we now know Jason isn’t her man. One down, thirteen to go.

-It’s now Sean the mullets turn to secure some alone time with DeAnna. This didn’t go well for a couple reasons. Sean has what I would call a “repulsive sweating problem”. Apparently all the cameras and lighting make Sean and his mullet sweat profusely. So he’s not real fun to look at up close during these times. And also, the self playing piano in the room kept interrupting his sentences so he never got to tell her anything of substance. Which I found funny because I thought what the piano was playing was much more interesting than anything Sean would’ve had to say anyway. He’s a martial arts master from Kentucky. And stole Billy Ray Cyrus’ old haircut. Do we really have an interest in what he has to say? Didn’t think so. Moving on. If you thought Sean would’ve been boring, Twilley the Blaine couldn’t have crashed and burned any worse. He got up on stage and told some lame ass story that put everyone to sleep. Twilley is very animated, very outgoing, and very much trying waaaaay too hard. Everyone pretty much laughed at the guy for telling the worst story known to mankind. I’d tell you what it was about but I don’t even know since ABC cut it up so much since it went on for 3 hours. So he’s now Twilley the over actor. Let’s pull it back a little bit Twilley, whaddya’ say?

-Mr. Wizards World got some alone time with DeAnna and decided he’d use his Bunsen burner and beaker to whip up a magic love potion to put a spell on DeAnna. Well, he didn’t get quite that technical. No, our resident science nerd made her a flower out of a piece of paper. I’m telling ya’, DeAnna’s got one tough decision on her hands with all these winners they cast for her. So to stir up some sort of interest in this date, Ryan the homely virgin battled Twilley the over actor in our first installment of “Someone calls someone else out for being fake”. Ryan doesn’t think Twilley is being genuine with his feelings after that pre-produced boring story he told earlier. Twilley says yes he is and he’s there for the right reasons. This conversation goes nowhere. Although it allows us to learn a little bit more towards what Ryan the homely virgin is all about. “Faith, family, and football.” That’s very cute. He should copyright that and play it off as his own even though I’ve heard that phrase about a 1,000 times. I respect the guy for his beliefs, and you gotta applaud any male who is 28 and still a virgin (I think), but the problem is, do you know what the “3 F’s” get you on a show like this? A one-way ticket home. Outside of Sadie from Lorenzo’s season, I don’t think a virgin has ever done well on this show. Of course, that’s all assuming we believe Sadie when she tells us she’s a virgin. Let’s not forget, after Lorenzo dumped Jen, he and Sadie were seen canoodling around New York City together. For what? To hold hands? Talk about the stock market? Uh huh. Sure you are, Sadie.

-Now its Paul the nudist and Fred the accents turn to share their wit and wisdom with DeAnna. Fred doesn’t say much. Just downs his drink and stands there in all his Chicago glory. Paul on the other hand – completely different story. He was feeding DeAnna line after line after line that seemed way too rehearsed. Paul: “I’m the perfect candidate. I’m the youngest guy in the house. I’ve been engaged before. Just wasn’t the right one. Marriage is sacred. It’s a sacred bond between two people that should never be broken. It’s the coming together of two souls……” All right. Enough already. We get it. You’re laying it on a little too thick, pal. But then he ended his diatribe with this beauty. “When I get married, I’m married for good.” Really? You can predict that? Well then Paul, you’re a better man than anyone on this planet. Seems to me like that’s something that you can certainly believe in, but not necessarily something you can control. And really, isn’t that everyone’s thought going into marriage – that they’ll be married just once? I don’t think anyone sits around before their first marriage and says to themselves, “You know what? I can’t wait until I get married. Granted, it’s gonna be the first of many since I have every intention of getting a divorce, but hey, I still can’t wait til it happens.” Kind of a bold statement to say “When I get married, I’m married for good”. What if your partner doesn’t like you being nude all the time and dumps you? Kinda outta your hands.

-When Mr. Nude asks DeAnna her thoughts on where she sees herself, she pretty much has her timeline laid out. DeAnna: “I hope to be married in 5 years with one kid and another one on the way.” Yikes. Now that means our good friend Lisa from Lorenzo’s season and DeAnna have dualing timelines. Let’s see who gets there the quickest. Ready, set, go. How about next week as a little treat, we get Lisa back here and ask her how her timeline is going? Since they didn’t include her in the “Where are they now?” episode, I’ll have her give us a little summary of what she’s been up to since her and Lorenzo’s incredibly uncomfortable overnight date in Budapest, Hungary. Get ready, Lisa. The email is coming. So DeAnna wants to pop two kids in the next 5 years? Good for her. Let’s just hope it’s not with any of these guys. Especially Paul the nudist. He’s kinda creepy. And he’s Canadian. That’s never a good combo. But for some miraculous reason, DeAnna decides that Paul’s lines of b.s. were enough to win her over and she gave him a rose, so he’s safe for at least another week. Great. More nudity.

-Speaking of nudity, when we return from commercial break, they give us an update on how the guys are doing living in the bunkhouse, and Paul is the first guy they show us showering outside. For whatever reason, they decided to supply these guys with a shower that has no sort of wall or curtain, so everyone can see everyone shower if they wish. I was thinking that maybe Ryan the homely virgin would find this completely offensive and against his religion to watch another man shower that he’d just remove himself from the show. Guess not. How much longer until full frontal nudity becomes part of network television? When does America actually start becoming the BBC and we get nudity on every channel? This is something I’m 100% behind. Except when it comes to male nudity. Hell, no one wants to see that. If there’s one thing, and only thing, I wish America could be more like Europe in, its their laws regarding nudity on television. I say in 5-10 years, we’ll get our wish. Within 3-5 years, profanity will be allowed. That’s a given.

-Time for DeAnna’s solo date with Graham at the beach. For a guy that’s easily a favorite to get the final rose, and for a guy that is probably the most liked by women viewers out there, he sure came across as bland and boring last night. And retarded since he didn’t know how to fly a kite. Now, I haven’t flown a kite since I was probably in the 3rd grade, but something tells me with my major in Aerodynamics I’d be able to figure it out. Ok, it was Communications. Same thing. These two couldn’t have looked any more clueless if they tried. Are we sure neither of them are blonde? Just checking. So after their non-successful attempt at the impossibility that is flying a kite, these two sit down for a little conversation. Graham tells DeAnna he just got out of a relationship and that it was the first girl he’s ever been in love with. So he’s 29, has only been in love once, and it just happened before he came on the show? Sweet. At least I’ve got this guy beat. I think this could ultimately come back to kill him. Can’t you just see DeAnna saying, “If I’m going to put myself out there for someone, I have to be 100% sure that this man is in love with me. And since Graham has only been in love once, I’m going to be a little skeptical whether it can happen so quickly again.” I agree, Steve. Something tells me a guy who’s been in love once just recently, is not about to fall in love again so quickly. And if he does, then he’s kidding himself. But I think the even bigger question when it comes to Graham is why in the hell does he wear a giant, silver, wrap around bracelet that looks like he stole it from Wonder Woman? Gay.

-Uh oh. DeAnna and I are on the same wavelength. She’s already questioning how much Graham is into her. “I need someone who knows what they want. Brad didn’t. I don’t need that.” Wrong. Brad knew exactly what he wanted. It just wasn’t you. DeAnna really has a warped sense of what happened during her time on the “Bachelor”. And I’m not the least bit shocked she’s comparing Graham’s shyness to Brad not knowing what he wanted. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say DeAnna is still bothered that Brad dumped her. Call me crazy. Yet again, how is Brad in the wrong if he dumped somebody he didn’t see a future with? And if she is over him, and has moved on to the next chapter in her life, why does she constantly have to keep bringing him up? Because Brad did it to you, does that mean that everyone is going to do that to you? Well, if you live your life thinking that way, then sure, you’ll question every single guy that comes into your life. Do you really want to drive yourself crazy doing that? I wouldn’t think so. And since Graham is a smaller, skinnier, less manly version of Brad, I’m guessing this isn’t easy for her. If they had those pop up bubbles above DeAnna’s head on every date she was on, something tells me we’d see head shots of Brad popping up everywhere.

-Back at the bunkhouse, the other 14 guys are talking about sex. Real surprise there. You mean 14 guys who are being shut out from the rest of the outside world with no newspapers, internet, or cell phones and with an endless supply of alcohol at their hands are talking about sex? I never would’ve thought it. Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert has the line of the night when asked how important sex is in a relationship: “If you wait til you’re married, then found out its not that great, then you’re up a creek without a paddle.” You know, I’ve never really thought of it that way. For a guy like Ryan, who finally admits to everyone he’s virgin, if he finds Mrs. Ryan, and they wait til their honeymoon to finally seal the deal, and she just lays there like a sack of potatoes, is he really going to be fired up looking forward to the rest of his marriage? Yes, I know. Marriage isn’t all about sex. I understand that. But don’t tell me it doesn’t play a big role. And if one of those roles you despise doing, then I’m guessing that would create some problems. But hell, what do I know? I’ve never been married. And I’m listening to some guy who pops his collar. More on that during the group date.

-Back on the beach, in what came as no surprise to anyone watching, DeAnna gave Graham a rose and he gets the first kiss. Apparently she doesn’t mind guys’ five o’clock shadows scraping up her face while making out. It’d bother the hell out of me and I’m not even a woman. Hence the reason I’m always clean shaven. As DeAnna and Graham are headed back to the mansion, Twilley the over actor is getting a little self conscious that his horrible storytelling performance at the Magic Castle might not have gone over so well, so he wants to talk to DeAnna as soon as she gets back to make sure things are cool. Talks like these always work out well. Especially when you have someone as calm, cool, and collected as Twilley involved. DeAnna’s gets out of the car, heads back up to her mansion, where Twilley is waiting for her. And for the life of me, I still don’t know what he said during his incessant babbling. Something about he knows his family and friends would like her. I did catch that. Ummmm, Twilley, the hometown dates are about 4 more episodes away. So calm down. Needless to say, Twilley the babbling over actors performance last night really didn’t do much to help his cause. In fact, I thought it sealed his fate. Little do I know.

-Now it’s time for the final group date at Dodger stadium with Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, Dallas Chris, Gray haired Brian, Jesse the bong rip, Ron the divorcee, Jeremy Levine, and Erick the Greek. This is one of my all-time favorite group dates ever since it incorporated one of only two teams that I root for: the Dodgers. I’m a sports nut, have been ever since I was a kid, but the only two teams that I openly cheer for are the Lakers and Dodgers. Not surprising having grown up in Southern California. So boy was I pumped when these guys got to step foot on Dodger stadium grass to make asses of themselves. And let’s talk about Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert for a quick second. Not only was this guy wearing a pink polo shirt, but he had his collar up. I’m telling you right now that I will be the first to admit I tend to lean towards the metrosexual side. I grew up playing sports my whole life and would consider myself more athletic than you’re average guy, but I definitely have a metro side to me. And I think I’m pretty up to date when it comes to fashion and men’s trends. But let me just say, and this goes for every male out there and not just Robert, but if you are a guy, and you pop your collar, you are a legitimate, 100%, without question, Grade A douchebag.

-So former Dodger manager and Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda waddles on out there to give the guys a corny pep talk about wanting to win DeAnna’s heart. A tear rolled down my eye. Not because the speech was any good, but just because even though I’m a lifelong Dodger fan, I’m also an objective one. I know they haven’t won a World Series since 1988. I know they have also won exactly ONE playoff game in that same period of time. ONE!!!! (Don’t get me started). And I know that as much of a living legend as Dodger fans think Tommy Lasorda is, I worked in the L.A. sports market for the better part of 8 years, and I can tell you without any hesitation that there isn’t a bigger phony in sports than Tommy Lasorda. He can talk about bleeding Dodger blue and being married to his wife for 50 years as long as he wants. Those that have followed him throughout the years know exactly what kind of guy he is. Don’t believe me? Do me a favor. Google “Tommy Lasorda Hollywood Madame” and enjoy. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I also had the pleasure of sitting in on a 3 hour radio show that Tommy co-hosted back in 1997 and it was one of the more memorable 3 hours of my life. I’d never met a more bossy, egotistical, self-indulgent, blowhard in my life. I’d say that was the day that my opinion of him changed. The stories I could tell from that day would make your head spin. Anyway….ummmm…..go Dodgers!!! And screw you Andruw Jones.

-So the guys got to play HR derby for the chance at alone time with DeAnna. This wasn’t until after Dallas Chris gave us a lovely rendition of the national anthem – if that’s what you want to call it. Let’s just say he’d make a great contestant during next year’s auditions of “American Idol”. As for the HR derby, it pretty much panned out like I expected – they all pretty much sucked. Ron his 2 HR’s, Robert and Erick each hit zero, Brian hit 2, Jesse hit 1, and Jeremy hit 6. Dallas Chris was up last, and after that singing performance, I’d say he needed to earn some points. He informs us that he once played college baseball, which inevitably, set him up to look like an even bigger goon. He hit 0. Not a good day for Chris. So Jeremy wins and gets DeAnna alone in the dugout. Jeremy’s acting very guarded, which seems to be the theme of this episode, and says that there’s bits and pieces of his past that he’s keeping guarded – for the next 10 seconds. So he played the sensitive card and said he was purposefully being guarded, then in the next sentence, he’s telling her what he’s being guarded about. Both of Jeremy’s parents died. That sucks. You wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. Just quit pretending like you weren’t going to tell her when you knew you were going to tell her the whole time since she had a mom that died and you knew that’d be instant access into her pants….errr….heart.

-Let me point out something that a lot of you have mentioned in emails and your comments, but for whatever reason, I didn’t fully grasp until last night. And that’s DeAnna’s blinking disorder. Is that what you call it? A disorder? Whatever it is, it’s just about the most annoying thing I’ve seen outside of the Meeps. How come I never noticed this during Brad’s season? And how come I didn’t fully recognize until last night when she’s sitting in the dugout listening to Jeremy tell her the story about his parents? As I sat there and watcher her, it was almost like a swarm of gnats was circling her face and she was keeping them out of her eyes with how much she blinked. Holy sh** that’s annoying. Sorry DeAnna. As hot as I think you are, I just don’t think we can ever date now since you can’t stop blinking. You’re going to have to move on to someone else. I just can’t handle it. I know, I know, it’ll be ok. Time heals all wounds. Except yours, which apparently never go away. So please, don’t curse me to the other guys on the show. Really, I mean well. I just can’t deal with the fact your eyelashes are suffering epileptic seizures by the minute.

-Erick takes DeAnna out to centerfield and Greeks her to death. No, that wasn’t some sort of sick, sexual term. It just meant that every other word out of his mouth had something to do with the fact that he’s Greek. And she’s Greek. So that must mean that they were meant to be married. Gray haired Brian is up next and DeAnna thinks he’s so perfect already, she wants to know some of his bad habits. He says he’s had two long relationships that he admits he made mistakes in. And then he informs us, just like nudist Paul, “I only want to be married once.” Well that’s nice to know. Because I just assume most people want to be married seven or eight times. Do guys really need to say that on dates? Do women really need to hear their man say that they only plan to be married once to feel more comfortable with them? I sure hope not. Maybe I’m just out of touch. I guess you can’t say the opposite of it, but why not just not say anything at all? I just figured it’s pretty much assumed that everyone who wants to get married, wants it to be their only time.

-Back at the house, we get to see Jason on the phone with his son, Ty. Hold on a second. This is the first time in the history of this show that they’ve ever showed anyone on the phone talking to a friend or family member. Shouldn’t the rules be the same for everybody? You gave up the rights to talk to your son the minute you signed up to do the show – or so I thought. I guess Jason gets to live by his own set of rules. Unfair. Either don’t come on the show, or play by the rules given to everyone else. No, that’s not mean. I’d never leave my kid in the first place, so I’d never put myself in such a ridiculous position. After that, we get to see Tommy Lasorda giving DeAnna one last pep talk before she hands out a rose at the stadium. And this was by far the best quote of the night. Might’ve been the best quote in the last 5 seasons. DeAnna: “Tommy is not only an expert on baseball, but he knows a lot about relationships.” Ha ha….yeah, he does. Especially when they involved illegal prostitution rings. Awesome.

-Jeremy gets the rose at the stadium because he fake pretended like he wasn’t going to tell DeAnna his inner most secrets, but then he did. That tricky bastard. Time now for the final rose ceremony, and Jeremy, Graham, and Paul are safe with roses. Which means they’ll all be living in the mansion next week. That’s two weeks in a row Jeremy will get to live there, and immediately some guys aren’t too thrilled with that. Especially after the other 12 guys arrive for cocktail night and Jeremy greets them with a “Welcome to our home”. Nice job, a-hole. That’ll win you exactly zero friends. Of course, DeAnna is nervous since it’s rose ceremony night. And by golly, she knows what that’s all about. DeAnna: “I know I’ve been in this situation before. I know what they’re going through.” Just shut the hell up already. I’m going to go swallow my own fist now.

-Last time for the guys to make some lasting impressions on DeAnna. And first up is our resident babbler, Twilley the babbling over actor. He babbled yet again trying to save face for the performance at the Magic Castle, then the subsequent even worse performance cornering her after her date with Graham. And this debacle was no better than that the first two. For the first time in a while, this showed shocked me. I was surprised Twilley got a rose. I figured he was done. Jeremy thankfully saves Twilley from embarrassing himself further by stealing DeAnna away – even though he’s already safe for the night and even though he’s gonna have yet another week in the mansion with her. And this of course gets some of the guys panties in a bunch. Most notably, Ron the divorcee. And even Ryan the homely virgin too. In fact, Ryan even calls Jeremy a “d**k” for what he did. (Gasp!) The Lord is not going to take too kindly to those words young man. Now go say 10 “Our Fathers” and wash your mouth out with soap.

-Ron the divorcee gets some time with DeAnna and tells her he thinks his previous divorce bothers her. DeAnna’s quick response: “Ummmm….errrrr….uhhhhh….no, it doesn’t really. I mean, I’ve never dated a divorced man before, but uhhhhhh, sure why not.” Translation: Ron isn’t getting the final rose. That’s another one to cross off the list. I think it’s pretty easy to figure out who the final rose goes to just by process of elimination. We know it won’t be Jason, we can eliminate Ron, I told you last week about the stuff I’ve heard about Jeremy not being it, minus the three guys who got eliminated last night. Now we’re down to 9. And do you really think Twilley has a chance? Down to 8. Think she’ll be proud to bring Jesse and his bag of weed home to her parents? Now its 7. Think she’s going to get all turned on by Robert and his popped collar? That leaves 6. Fred? Are you serious? With that accent? Now it’s 5. Sean and his martial art kicking mullet? Not a chance. That leaves 4. Paul the nudist? Please. Now it’s down to 3. Graham, Gray haired Brian, and Richard. See? You don’t necessarily have to guess who you think she’ll end up with, just figure out who you know she WON’T end up with. I’ve never gone out on a limb in the 2nd episode and predicted a final four, but I will for this season. I’ll go with those final three after my genius deductive reasoning – Graham, Brian, and Richard – and throw in Jeremy. Oh he’ll last. He just won’t be the final one. Trust me. I know these things.

-Onto the rose ceremony. DeAnna: “I know it sounds cliche…..can’t thank you enough….giving me a chance….this is very hard…..know exactly what you’re going through….Im still not over Brad….I wish he were here right now….I miss him so much….I still don’t understand why he dumped me…..can’t we all just get along?”

Ron the divorcee: I wonder if his ex-wife is hotter than DeAnna?
Jesse the pothead: I think instead of giving him a rose, she should give him a blunt.
Robert the douche: The king of all douches thankfully didn’t pop his suit shirt collar.
Gray haired Brian: I don’t know anything about this guy yet. Which probably works in his favor.
Jason the bastard father: Imagine if we found out his sons birthday was during filming. That’s Father of Year status if you ask me.
Fred the accent: I think she should keep him around just so I can hear him pronounce “Chick-aaaaa-go” every episode.
Sean the mullet: Only Chuck Norris has a deadlier roundhouse kick than this guy. And that’s saying something.
Richard: He should just go full on geek next episode and start wearing his white lab coat around the house.

“Gentlemen, DeAnna, this is the final rose this evening. Whenever you’re ready. What’s that? No, Brad isn’t an option to give a rose to. I’m sorry.”

Twilley the babbling over actor: Before the rose ceremony, I thought it’d be Erick, Ryan, and Twilley going home. Apparently Chris horrible national anthem and 0 HR’s weren’t good enough to prove his manhood.

-The post-dumping wrap ups are never really that good on the “Bachelorette” because none of these guys are gonna start crying like a DeAnna or hyperventilating like a Hilary. They’re mindset is, “Whatever. Her loss. Guess I’ll just go bag some other hottie.” So DeAnna gathers the final 12 and gives a toast. “I believe that one of you are my husband.” Really? Well, considering you’ve had about a week with them, and considering that they’re the one that is supposed to propose to you, not the other way around, aren’t you being a tad presumptuous? DeAnna really seems to be counting her chickens before they hatch. Sorry. I couldn’t think of a more clever cliche.

-So check the site tomorrow any possible new updates. If not, I’ll be back next week to tell you what’s going on. I will thank you in advance for all the nice, loving, heartfelt birthday wishes I’m sure you’re all ready to give me. So nice of you. Any questions, queries, comments, criticisms, praises, or birthday gifts, email them to steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week. Or tomorrow…

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-First things first. I believe the punctuation issues from last week are, for the most part, solved. Some past columns probably still have it sporadically, but I did what I could. For those who have no clue what I’m talking about, on some of your computers last week, every time I typed a quotation mark, apostrophe, or ellipsis, there were weird characters showing up. No idea why that started last week, no idea why only some of your computers were seeing it, and no idea really how I fixed it. It looked fine on my computer. But when I started getting barraged by emails, I knew something was up. So thank you for informing me. I appreciate it. But we should be good to go now with no more problems. Until next week, when I’m sure something else on Word Press will turn out to be all screwy. And I also would like to thank those who sent in kind words in the comments section and through emails regarding Maddie. I agree. She is adorable. I’ll gladly put up more pics this season as soon as I take some with a camera that’s not from my phone.

-Oh boy. 8 weeks of this? Really? I don’t know how many of you know this, but every episode of the “Bachelorette” this season is 2 hours. Every. Single. One. Why? I have no idea. Bachelor Matt’s first episode was an hour and a half, and every subsequent one was an hour. But I guess since DeAnna fell in love and found Mr. Not Brad Womack, I guess we’re gonna be subjected to every single nauseating date of theirs. Trust me, I’m not happy about this. Although, the first episode I knew wouldn’t be too bad. A friend/mistress/lover of mine asked me yesterday, “Oh Reality Steve, what exactly will they do for two hours?” I responded with, “Worry not my young lady. The first half hour will be filled with pomp and circumstance. We’ll get a replay of DeAnna getting dumped, then we’ll get an interview with her talking about why she wanted to be the ‘Bachelorette’, then Host Chris would sit her down and ask her the same things, so we get to hear those brilliant answers twice.” And that’s pretty much what they did. I guaranteed we wouldn’t see our first douche bag get out of a limo until at least a 1/2 hour into the show. Well, I timed it. Our first winner out of the limo, Brian from Texas, came out at :28 after the hour. I was close. Man, I’m good. People should listen to me more. I could produce this show with my eyes closed.

-You know what I find most ironic about DeAnna being the “Bachelorette”? And not just DeAnna, but most girls who get dumped on this show. It’s so funny how, when it happens, they’re totally devastated. They’re crying, some are completely inconsolable, and some just lose it completely. DeAnna still wasn’t over it 3 months after filming when she finally got to confront Brad again. We even got to see her during the “After the Final Rose” show again last night saying she was “sure as anything in her life that her and Brad were meant to be together”. But now here she is, six months removed from the whole Brad situation, and now she’s found someone and is as happy as a clam. You might say, “Well, she was hurt, didn’t dwell on it and moved on. Good for her.” Well yeah, she moved on when ABC placed the call and said, “Hey, you want 25 horndogs chasing after you?” All I’m saying is I don’t think it was ever nearly as bad as DeAnna made it out to be. She hammed it up for the cameras. She basically tried to convince herself she was that in love with him when she really wasn’t. I think she just liked him a lot. I just don’t see how she can go from being completely devastated six months ago, to now being Mrs. Happy Happy Joy Joy. You realize the situation DeAnna has put herself in by agreeing to do this show? After watching her break down on television, begging and pleading Brad to give her another chance, and wondering why Brad couldn’t possibly even want to just continue seeing her, there’s no way she can turn around and do the same exact thing without looking like a giant hypocrite. So we KNOW she chooses someone on this show. Even if she didn’t like any of the 25, she was picking someone or she would’ve looked like the biggest fool in history for crucifying Brad on national television. So let’s just see if who she chooses lasts. My guess? It’ll last longer than most of these relationships do, since I think the women are more serious about this thing than the men, but they’ll eventually break up.

-As far as Chelsea goes, I read today an interview she did with a Colorado newspaper, and I found this quote of hers quite interesting. When asked about Matt, she said:

I just think I’m too tomboyish for him. After watching the show, he’s definitely not my type and not the man that I thought he was. He’s not athletically inclined, and I wouldn’t want someone to slow me down. When Shayne says she likes to shop, he thought that was cute. I didn’t.”

Now, I don’t doubt Chelsea for a second. Matt definitely seemed more metrosexual than what she likes, and he did seem to be more into the things that Shayne was into. But if this were the case, then why wouldn’t she have removed herself from the competition? And you’re telling me that if he would’ve proposed to her instead of Shayne, she would’ve said, “Yeah, not so much. I don’t think we’re a good match.” Of course not. I understand she’s saying this after she watched the show, but she had to have witnessed some of this during filming, right? There’s no way she was this oblivious as to whether or not he was as into athletics as she was. These are all questions I’m brimming with that I’d love to ask Chelsea. And yes, I spoke with someone at ABC requesting an interview with her for this site. I realized I probably have two chances of getting that interview: slim and none. I’m not a “news” site. I’m just a dude with a blog. That’s basically made fun of their show for 12 seasons. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. I’ll keep bugging them. Hopefully they’ll relent and start getting me interviews every week with people that get booted. Honestly, that’s where I’d like to take this column. I’m much more interested in the “how” and “why” of this show than I am of what we actually see. But I need ABC’s cooperation to make that happen. So far, I’m getting none.

-Let me warn you all of how ridiculous the cliche factor is going to be this year. Already in episode one, it was in full effect. DeAnna must’ve said “Everything happens for a reason” a zillion times. She also threw in “This time I’m making the decision” a billion times. And the ever appropriate “I’m in control now” only came out around 500,000 times. She also threw in a couple “I was in your guys shoes once” and “Brad who?” All right. Enough already. We get it. You were dumped by Brad and now you’re looking for love on your terms. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re still hung up on the guy. One other thing I predicted once we learned DeAnna would be the “Bachelorette” was that she’d drop 15-20 lbs since we last saw her, and that’s exactly what she did. I’ll give her that. She looks great. Looks like she even lost a little bit in the caboose which, if you remember last season, you could’ve shown a movie on. Ha ha…..kidding. I think. No one ever said DeAnna wasn’t attractive. I think you can officially put her as the best looking “Bachelorette” they have. But something tells me by the end of the season, we’ll get sick to the point of inducing vomiting with all the Brad Womack references. And one last thing about DeAnnas appearance: Has anyone noticed how her right eyebrow has a nice rainbow-shaped curve to it, whereas her left one kinda looks like an upside-down “V”. Check it out next week if you haven’t noticed it already. That’s about the only that bothers me about her. Fix that woman. Shave em’ both then pencil them in if you have to.

-So before the guys got out of the limo, they kinda quickly showed us a glimpse of all 25 getting ready and making comments about how excited they were to be there. I sort of fast forwarded through this mess, since we’d be seeing all 25 get out of the limo sooner rather than later, but, I did notice a few things. The blonde guy who spent a 1/2 hour talking to us about how long it takes him to gel his hair was also shaving his chest with a razor. Gay. Ron was a 36 year old barber shop owner that was divorced. Ummmmmm, that usually never works on this show. Bevin got to the final two being a divorcee, but it ultimately did her in by Andy the sleazeball. Because he’s such a man of character. And he likes chasing tail 10 years older than him. Although, it was just announced recently that he and Marla Maples have broken up and are “just friends”. Translation: They’re f-buddies now. And one other guy who made an impression on me was Ryan, the permasmile, pro football player with the perm from Minnesota. Seemed like a likable guy. Then he dropped on us, “I’m a man of faith. I don’t drink, cuss, or have sex. I’m a virgin saving myself til marriage.” That’s great and all Ryan. God Bless you and your beliefs. No one can ever take that away from you. But just know DeAnnas a freak. She wants to get some in her six weeks in the mansion. By agreeing to do the show and be courted by 25 guys, she’s essentially giving up the ass for free for six weeks. A couple handshakes and Bible readings is probably not going to win her over. Just a hunch. But there’s a girl Sadie from Lorenzo’s season that might have an interest in you. You guys can not touch each other all the way up til your honeymoon night.

-Time for the guys to come out of the limos and make their first, and for some, last impressions on DeAnna. Not all of them did something to annoy…..errrr….get my attention, but here’s a few that did. In no particular order:

Brian from Texas: For any of you Dallas Cowboy football fans from the 90’s, I’m sure you’re thrilled to see that Darryl “Moose” Johnston has joined this season of the “Bachelorette”. These two are a spitting image of each other. And what a surprise, Brian coaches football.

Spero: I bet you will be absolutely shocked and stunned to know that something named “Spero” wears glasses. When he met DeAnna, she said, “Pronounce your name for me again?” Dork boy: “It’s Spero. Or just ‘Guy trying way too hard that’ll get sent home tonight.’ Either one works for me.”

Twilley: His real name is Blaine, but everyone calls him Twilley for God knows what reason. And of course, you know what I say to that. “Blaine!!!! His name is Blaine!!!! That’s a major appliance that’s not a name!!!” You tell em’, Duckie.

Graham: Skinny dude with the 5 o’clock shadow whose ABC bio says he’s a professional basketball player. Ummmm, come to find out that’s a lie. Well, either he’s lying, or they’re lying. He didn’t mention anything about being a basketball player later on during their one-on-one time.

Jason: Jason is our first single dad I believe we’ve ever had on the show. So immediately, women watching this show began giving him their sympathy votes. “Awwwww, that’s so cute he’s leaving his infant son for six weeks to try and find a date on a reality TV show. He’s really not being selfish at all.”

Patrick C.: He weighed about 110 lbs soaking wet and looked like Zach from “Key West” before the drunks from the Veterans team shaved his head during “Gauntlet 3″.

Richard: Immediately I got the impression that Richard seems like a nice guy, has got a good personality, a little on the shy side, kinda dorky, and that if he pulled his pants down right now, you’d see that his mother inscribed his initials into his underwear.

Paul: Basically, Paul was a miniature version of the “Bachelor” from season 2, Aaron Buerge. In fact, I think Paul was barely pushing five feet tall. DeAnna had him beat in that department. And judging by what he did later on in the night, I’m guessing he definitely has a case of short man’s disease.

Jon: This was the queen who was shaving his chest in the earlier clips. Just know that he also has platinum blond hair and blond eyebrows. There’s something about a dude with blond eyebrows that makes my skin crawl.

Luke: He’s a sheltered, scared, oyster farmer from South Carolina who looked more out of place in this show than Katie Holmes would be posing as Tom Cruise’s wife.

Sean: Sean is a martial arts master from Kentucky who has a full blown mullet. Sean is redneck.

Ron: Our 36 year old, divorced, barber shop owner went real cool on us last night. He left his jacket in the limo and wore his tie outside his vest. This was never explained and I thought he looked like an idiot.

Jesse: He’s a pro snow boarder from Colorado who wore jeans, Vans sneakers, and a jacket that screamed out, “I’m desperate for attention.” And oh yeah, I’m guessing he was completely baked too. I’m shocked he didn’t offer DeAnna some brownies.

Chandler: When he got out of the limo, he was looking off into the distance for about 10 seconds before making eye contact with DeAnna. He also is from Spotsylvania, PA. I don’t know what to make of that other than I wonder if they have more than one stoplight in their town.

Jeremy: Our third guy from the Dallas area, last out of the limo, and our resident Adam Levine look-a-like. Does the lead singer of Maroon 5 really have to go on the “Bachelorette” to get some tail? Really? Didn’t this guy already bang Jessica Simpson back when they were popular? Save some for the rest of us.

-DeAnna has 3 first impression roses to give out tonight, and immediately gives one away to Jeremy because he started singing, “This…love…has taken its toll on me”. Well, I guess we can officially eliminate Jeremy as someone with the potential to get the final rose. Although, I can’t quite remember, but does the first impression rose curse work on the “Bachelorette” as well? Whatever the case, Jeremy doesn’t win. Trust me. Remember, he’s from Dallas, and I live in Dallas. And yes, people talk. And email. I don’t know Jeremy personally, nor have I ever met the guy. But let’s just say some people in the DFW metroplex do, and those people talk to other people, who talk to other people, who talk to other people, who email me. And they didn’t have the most flattering things to say about our little Adam Levine knock-off. But hey, hearing something fifth-hand isn’t 100% accurate now, is it? I think it is. I live by one rule and one rule only: If its on the internet, it’s true.

-Our single dad Jason steals DeAnna away for some alone time. “Awwww, he’s so cute leaving his infant with his sister for 6 weeks so he can pretend to go out and find a mommy for him when in reality he’s just scarring the kid for life with abandonment issues”. Anyway, Jason wants DeAnna to know he’s very in to travelling – especially camping. In fact, he’s even taken two different 3 month trips to England just do that. Wow! Really Jason? That’s outstanding. You’re definitely getting in her pants now. DeAnna loves campers. She also loves dudes with 5 o’clock shadows who own bars down in Austin and then dump her on national television. Are you either of those? No? Ok, good. You’re just a single dad who’s apparently never watched this show before. DeAnna: “My mom died when I was 12.” Jason: “Really?” Yeah, they only mentioned that about 150 times during Brad’s season. But thanks for paying attention. It might be nice to know a little something about the woman who you want to be mothering your son soon. Call Brad for any advice. She fell in love with him and he didn’t even like her enough to keep her around. In fact, he dry heaved at the thought of proposing to her. So don’t worry Jason. DeAnna’s pretty good at being someone’s friend. Maybe she can babysit for you if things don’t work out.

-A couple of the other guys steal some alone time with DeAnna. There’s Chris (another dude from Dallas) who was asked point blank if he’s ever cheated on someone before. His answer: “Yes. And I hated it.” Actually, no you didn’t Chris. You hated getting caught. There’s a difference. Then there’s Robert, who is a chef in San Francisco and wants to make everyone aware of it. He goes into the kitchen, whips up some crab concoction, throws it in a glass, and he and DeAnna eat crabs together. I don’t know what else to say other than giving someone crabs is not the most memorable first impression. Ba-dum-bump. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be here all month. Try the veal. And my opening act will be none other than….Robert himself. “I’m not a master in the art of seduction. But I’m working on my degree.” God, how cheesy. Something tells me Robert had that line in his head the minute ABC called and said, “Hey Robert, wanna try and lay pipe to DeAnna next season?” I give him credit for getting that line out there. I mean, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve gone with, “Is that a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.” Or how about the ever popular, “If I told you that you have a great body, would you hold it against me?” Do guys really use these lines? I mean seriously. These work? You know what my pick-up line is? “Hi. I’m Reality Steve.” Then the line immediately starts forming to the left. I don’t know what it is. Works every time. And by “every time” I mean “never in a million years.”

-Now it’s our good friend Luke’s turn to talk to DeAnna. This marked the first time in history someone actually spoke to a woman for the first time on national television. If they would’ve panned the camera down a little further, I bet you we would’ve seen Luke’s pants soaking wet. The oyster farmer figured one way into DeAnna’s heart would be to present her with a pearl necklace. I refuse to make a joke here. It’s just not appropriate at this time. Luke is still recovering from having a woman speak to him for the very first time. Plus, if I even considered making a pearl necklace joke here, I’m guessing Luke wouldn’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I doubt he even knows where his ding-dong is. Yes, I just used the word “ding-dong” to describe the male anatomy. No, I’m not 4. I just act like it sometimes. With all due respect to Luke, I can’t imagine why he’d even consider going on this show. He doesn’t have six pack abs like Douche from Indiana. He doesn’t pull tail like Jeremy Levine from Dallas. He can’t whip up a mean glass of crab like Chef Boy-Ar-Dee from San Francisco does. So why do it? I guess because Mommy forced him to. That’s cruel and unusual punishment. I feel sorry for the guy.

-DeAnna still has two first impression roses to give out, but since there’s only one of her, and 25 guys, she needs help. Even though every other “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” that has done this show has had to deal with the exact same number of people on the first night, apparently ABC owed Jenni a favor so they brought her on to “help out” DeAnna with the selection process. DeAnna says her and Jenni are very close because “no one will ever understand what we went through.” Oh, of course. Because you are the only two women who have ever been dumped before. That’s right. Please. Can we quit being so dramatic? Are you serious? Did DeAnna really just say that no one will ever understand what her and Jenni went through? Really? Well, I do. You went on a reality dating show and you didn’t get picked. And I don’t understand that? Seems pretty simple to me. I would really appreciate it if these two didn’t try to convince us getting dumped on TV was equivalent to being victims of domestic violence, because that’s sure as hell what it seems like. Hell, even DeAnna admitted in an interview last week that she’s glad Brad didn’t pick her if he didn’t feel anything long term. She would’ve hated if he picked her just because he felt he was “supposed to”. Yet, here she is playing the victim card when all that happened was she got dumped by a guy she liked for 6 weeks. Unbelievable.

-More guys now take turns vying for DeAnnas attention. They also need to deal with Jenni and her little notebook asking them ridiculous questions about who would win a wrestling match between them and a bear? Wow. Jenni must have some naked photos of Mike Fleiss hidden somewhere to get that appearance last night. That was completely pointless. On a side note, let’s throw Jenni into the category of “women who act completely devastated after getting dumped yet find love 6 months later”. For those that don’t know, Jenni’s ex-boyfriend actually picked her up from the airport when she was done filming Brad’s season, they’ve been together ever since, and now they’re engaged. Yet, wasn’t she telling Brad how madly in love with him she was when she was on the show with him and how badly she wanted to get married? She claimed that once she got home she realized how much she missed her ex, and that he was the one for her. Yet, if Brad would’ve chosen her, she of course would’ve said yes. So ridiculous. Don’t even get me started. By the way, Bevin is now engaged as well. So I guess it only took her a year to find love again. This is actually getting pretty comical now.

-So a couple more guys try to make great first impressions. And fail miserably.

Richard: Nerdy guy, science teacher, mom sews initials into his underwear. Yeah, him. Even DeAnna can see he has the sex drive of a clown. “I really like him, he’s a little dorky, but I love his personality.” Uh oh. The dreaded “great personality” guy. That can’t be a good thing. I think that line has the same meaning for women as it does for men. When you’re thrown into the “great personality” category, basically you’re saying that that person has no chance of ever removing your clothing and pinning you up against the wall in the heat of passion. Sorry.

Eric: He has a Greek background. And a strict family that only likes when he brings home Greek chicks. Hey, maybe if it doesn’t work out with DeAnna, he can bring home that bubbly, over bearing, annoying Marissa Jaret Winokur chick from “Dancing with the Stars”? I’m sure his parents would love her. So lively. So full of energy. And so freaking annoying, I would’ve boycotted television if she stayed on any longer.

Sean: The mullet wearing redneck from Kentucky wants to show off his martial arts skills, so he Chuck Norris’ an orange of Jesse the Stoners head. DeAnna acts impressed. I couldn’t tell if she was. Frankly, I was paying more attention to the bra-less dress she had on. Are those the ones where you have to put sticky tape on the inside of the breast cup to make sure there aren’t any accidents? Cuz…ummm…wow. Bend over the wrong way, and we could’ve easily had ourselves a bit of a situation. In my pants.

-DeAnna meets with Jenni to discuss the trauma and medical attention they’re still receving due to the after effects of Brad dumping them. I think both are taking Paxil as we speak. DeAnna asks Jenni what three guys she would give roses to if she were her. Jenni, scouring through her chicken scratch she calls notes, was able to come up with three names she grabbed out of thin air: Graham, Jesse, and Jason. How she came up with them, I have no idea considering her questions were about as relevant as her being on the show. Yes, she actually asked one of them who would win a wrestling match between him and a bear? I would’ve gotten up and left at that point. Douche from Indiana tried to show her his six pack and she covered her eyes because, and I quote, “I’m engaged. I can’t look at that.” Jenni, shut the hell up. Because you’re engaged, you can’t look at a guy showing you his abs? Are you that much of a prude? Your ex-boyfriend-turned-fiancee has you on that much of a leash? I’m sure that marriage will go really well. That made me sick. Yet, for some reason, DeAnna listened to this airhead and gave Jesse a rose. Jesse was the snowboarder from Colorado who showed up in the jeans, Vans, and ugly ass jacket. And oh yeah, had probably rolled about three doobies before coming into the party as well. But hey, he stood out, so he gets a rose. I guess we can cross him off the list as well.

Greg: He’s a personal trainer with both ears pierced who talks about himself in the third person. Wow, that’s a first. You never see that. Most personal trainers I know are never completely fixated on their bodies at all times and never have a much higher opinion of themselves than the rest of us do. They’re always so humble, and more interested in what you have to say than most normal people. Did I mention Greg was a complete tool as well? I didn’t? Well, he is. And you will be SHOCKED to see what he does at the end of the night. So uncharacteristic for a guy who’d make love to his own body if he could.

Paul: Our Canadian, mini-Aaron Buerge. He wanted to make a name for himself and since he was probably tired of DeAnna patting him on his head, he decided to jump into the pool fully clothed. But that was only the beginning of his master plan. He stripped down just to the speedo he was wearing that had “DeAnna” written across his butt. I can’t imagine any other way to a woman’s heart than that. A midget in a speedo craving attention. And the worst part? DeAnna wasn’t completely put off by it. Man, Brad really scarred her for life. This chick likes anything that gives her attention.

Graham: Aaaaahhhhh, the mystery that is Graham. His ABC bio says he’s a professional basketball player, yet he tells DeAnna last night, that he’s a manager of a bar but is working on starting a charity organization to help kids. Can never go wrong with the “I just wanna help under privileged children” line. Works every time. She likes Graham, but I gotta say, bar owner? 5 o’clock shadow? Graham is Brad Womack 2.0. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. But I can pretty much guarantee you this guy is in the final four. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the final one.

-So DeAnna decides to give the last first impression rose to Richard, the nerdy science teacher. Nothing like getting the sympathy rose. Richard: “What’s one thing we have to know about you?” DeAnna: “I love surprises.” Really? That’s weird, because, a girl I dated about 15 months ago once told me out of the blue during a car ride that “I hate surprises. I always need to know what’s happening. I hate being surprised.” Red flag! Red flag! What woman doesn’t like surprises? I didn’t even know they made women like that. But of course, I ended up with her. And wasted a month of my life treating her well, taking her to dinner, talking every night, only to have her say to me later on that same night (I kid you not), “You know I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right?” Well, actually no I didn’t sweet cakes. Why the hell have we been going out every weekend and talking every night for the last month? Just need a friend? A shoulder to cry on? A best buddy for life? That was easily the weirdest night I’d ever had in my entire life. Never saw any of that coming. And without getting into it too much, not only did she drop the “I don’t like surprises” line on me, and not only did the night end with the “You know I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right?” line, but jammed in the middle of all that, she said over drinks, “I’d much rather you buy me a Coach purse than spend money on me for dinner.” I’d say that’s a triple whammy. Needless to say, we were done by the end of the night. Completely didn’t see any of that coming. It was almost like I was dating a different person that night. I could go on for days about that chick. What a bizarre night. Good riddance. I’m sure she isn’t driving someone else completely crazy right now with that type of behavior.

-Host Chris and DeAnna go into the deliberation room to talk about some of the guys. Yet another Brad Womack reference. Host Chris: “Is it a little odd for you to be in the deliberation room? The same exact deliberation room that Brad was in? In fact, I think you’re standing in the exact same spot that he was. Wow. Isn’t that crazy? I mean, you’re the woman he dumped in front of all of America, yet here you are, doing the same exact thing he was, except you’re choosing men instead of women. DeAnna, are you completely blown away by this? Because I sure am.” Seriously. The Brad references need to stop and need to stop now. There couldn’t be anything more inconsequential than DeAnna standing in the same room that Brad did. Nothing. Why would she feel weird? Is Brad’s ghost floating around the room and haunting her? Is Brad hiding out in the closet waiting to scare her? You people realize how ridiculous they’re making this sound, don’t you? DeAnna wasn’t married to Brad for 15 years and then he went on the “Moment of Truth” and admitted to a lie detector test that he slept with 1,000 women while they were married. They dated on a TV show for 6 weeks and he decided he didn’t want to marry her. I cannot for the life of me understand why they’re making her such a sympathetic figure. I can’t possibly drive this point home any further than it already has. It’s ridiculous.

-Ok, time for the rose ceremony. Let’s get to it before my head explodes. DeAnna: “Thank you….putting heart into this….amazing guys….feel grateful…kills me to have to do this…..but, you know, I know how you feel. I was in the same situation just a year ago. Don’t know if you saw it. But I was on the ‘Bachelor’. Brad took me to the end and didn’t choose me. Didn’t know if any of you had heard that or not. It’s only defined my life up to this point..”

Outside of Jeremy Levine, Jesse the Stoner, and Richard the science nerd, twelve more guys get roses. They are: Ron the divorcee, Graham the phony, Eric the Greek, Chef-Boy-Ar-Robert, Sean the Mullet, Ryan the “I don’t have a nickname for yet”, Chris the 3rd guy from Dallas, Paul the mini-Aaron Buerge, Fred the guy the from ‘Chick-aaaaa-go”, Twilley the Blaine, Jason the father with abandoment issues, and Brian the Darryl Johnston look-a-like.”

-And yes, Host Chris did give us his patented, “Gentleman, DeAnna, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready.” I was thinking maybe he’d screw it up since it’s been about 3 years since he had to say it the other way around. But Host Chris is a professional. He knows exactly what he’s doing. You don’t get to where he is in life without taking your job seriously. Host Chris doesn’t make mistakes. Ever.

-In our parting videos, Chandler cried because, well, I guess he felt he shouldn’t get picked. And he probably had a few drinks in him. Let’s just say Chandler lost a few man points with that sniffling at the end. Really Chandler? You’re gonna cry over a chick who you met for one night? Wow. Mommy has some milk and cookies waiting for you at home. And be sure to grow a pair before ever going out in public again.

-Then of course, it was time for our personal trainer Greg to shine. Boy did he ever. Called himself a “Prince amongst men”, referred to himself in the third person again, and was about as sh**-faced as you could possibly get. Which led to him ripping off his shirt and jacket and exposing us to his body acne and tattoos. Very impressive. A couple flexes, a few poses into the camera, and Greg was good to go. I’m surprised he didn’t have his gym’s website tattooed across his chest for free advertising. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that Greg’s client base as a personal trainer only consists of chicks in their early 20’s, weigh no more than 120 lbs, and always wear the shortest, tightest shorts to the gym. You know, because they always make the best students. Greg is only interested in those who are truly looking to improve their lifestyle, starting with their bodies. If Greg isn’t arrested on sexual assault charges someday, I’d be shocked.

-Well, only seven more weeks of 120 minute shows. Yippee. Can’t wait. I really am looking forward to finding DeAnna contradicting herself on a week to week basis. I’m also looking to see how soon into each episode we’ll get a reference to the fact that she was once on the “Bachelor” and got dumped. I guarantee we get it in the first 10 minutes of every show. And you’re crazy if you don’t think I won’t be writing down the time of it every week and reporting back to you. So send all emails, questions, comments, queries, complaints, praises, and gifts to steve@realitysteve.com. And if any of you want to help out and bug ABC to let me start interviewing people that get booted off this show, hey, have at it. Start bombarding their P.R. dept with emails and let’s make it happen. Until next week…..

Administrator The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna