-I’ve really been out of the loop for the last five or six days having been out of town. So there really isn’t much to address beforehand. The store will continue its sale throughout this week, and if you want your picture up on the site, you can see we’ve added a flickr photo album. Thanks to Holly, DeAnna, Natalie, and Richard for their pics. Good stuff. A lot of you have sent emails over the last week that I probably didn’t get to. My apologies. But I wasn’t really around a computer at all and didn’t want to respond through Blackberry to everyone. And when I got back yesterday, there were just too many to go through pretty much all asking the same questions. So if I have time today, I will get around to them. If not, don’t take it personal.

-The only thing I want to say about last week is I stand by what I did. I was kinda surprised so many people ran with the “do what you do best” comment, when that’s probably the 2nd column in the last 7 years where I didn’t do a recap. Really? And honestly, I planned on doing a regular recap, but when they zipped through 4 hometown dates in the first fifty minutes, and dedicated so much time to butchering Wes’ edit and the return of Ed, I figured that was an appropriate time to bring out the column. And for every negative comment I received regarding what I did, trust me, there were ten emails/comments/facebook posts thanking me for letting them know what really goes on. I think a lot of you need to remember that probably 95% of the “Bachelorette’s” audience does not follow message boards and study screencaps and read blogs. They just tune in every Monday and live their life the rest of the week thinking what they saw was real. Amazing, I know, but it’s the truth. Will I reach all of them? Of course not. Just because you read stuff about the show on the internet, doesn’t mean everyone else does. In fact, you are most definitely in the minority. I think what I wrote helped, and I’m glad I did what I did. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

-The first ten minutes of the show were dedicated to recaps of Jillian’s journey so far with the remaining four guys. Waste of time. Although, what was funny was her just aimlessly walking the streets of Spain as her voice over is telling us all about the four guys. It got me thinking, “What do the Spaniards think of this show?” When they see some Canadian girl walking their streets with cameras following her, are they aware of what crap is being filmed? Do they even get the show out there when we do, or are they just getting around to airing Bob Guiney’s season in Madrid? This I’ve always wondered. I’ve never been to Spain, so I’m clueless to how their prime time TV network schedule looks. My guess? Soccer in the mornings, soccer in the afternoons, and soccer at night. And the nights when soccer isn’t on? Bullfighting. Maybe a “Flamenco Dancing With the Stars” as a reality show. Then once a year you have your special of the “Running of the Bulls” where crazy, lubed up fans try to out run a bunch of charging bulls down narrow streets. Hell of a sport. Where do I sign up? Any sport where the downside is possibly taking a bull’s horn right up your ass and being trampled, consider me out. Call me crazy.

-So Kiptyn is the first one up for a date. Jillian is giddy again, but does have some reservations. “Maybe Kiptyn is out of my league and he isn’t falling for me.” Hmmmm, maybe you’re right. Just kinda funny hearing Jillian say someone is “out of her league”. Since I’m unaware of Jillian’s ex-boyfriends and what they look like, I can’t jump to too many conclusions. Lets just say that Jillian is a lucky woman to be cast this season as the “Bachelorette”, since two others rejected it, yet they tried to play it off like “America fell in love with Jillian.” They did? When? Did I miss something? Do you know how many people I heard in coffee shops and on the streets talking about how they HAD to have Jillian Harris as the next “Bachelorette”? I’ll tell you how many: zero. Just another way for them to peddle their fake love story. And for those interested, ABC has been pushing the “Bachelorette” this season as the third most watched show of the summer. Once again, only half the story. Yes, it is, but that’s because pretty much everything else its up against are repeats. Not a lot of new network shows that get released in the summer. Why do you think they’re running it now? Put Jillian’s season on when shows start up in September, and it’d be about the 20th most watched show.

-Uh oh. More problems in Loveville with Jillian and Kiptyn. When Jillian asks him what he thinks about a possible proposal at the end of all this, he replies, “I think a proposal seems far off at this point in time”. Jillian then goes on to contradict herself by saying, “I am here to get engaged. I want an engagement out of this. I think it’d be fun. But I don’t necessarily have to have one.” Huh? I think Jillian is pretty enamored with the thought of possibly being engaged to on the show because she desperately wants to shut some people up. But hey, it actually seems like Kiptyn has a head on his shoulders. Really? A bachelor who actually thinks that six weeks might be a little too early to drop a proposal on somebody? Where’d casting find this guy, and why did the script call for him to last this long? Make no mistake, the show ALWAYS would like to see a proposal at the end. They can’t force these people to, but there’s definitely incentive thrown out there.

-I’m going to send a lot of you out on a hunt right now. Like I said, I’ve been out of the loop and pretty much away from a computer for the last week, and frankly I just don’t feel like looking for this, but I’m sure some of you will. As far as I know, in every interview I’ve seen or read with Jillian since the season ended taping about a month ago, I have yet to hear her say she is engaged, I have yet to hear her say she is in love, I have yet to hear her say she can’t wait to see the man that she chose again, and I have yet to hear her say she talks to her man every day and they are so happy together. All we’ve gotten is, “I’m happier than I’ve ever been (but not necessarily with another person), the “last five minutes is really good”, and “I’m happy with my decision.” Now, I can’t read everything, and there are some interviews I might have missed, but that’s what I’ve gathered so far. Sounds an awful lot like Brad Womack to me. Jason screamed from the mountain tops before the season even started how in love he was and that he was engaged. DeAnna let us know that she was engaged before the finale. During Andy Baldwin’s season they promoted all along a proposal at the end. Maybe ABC told her to play it coy to not let anything out, maybe not. But I’d be interested if someone could find me an interview she’s given where she said something different than what I listed below and specifically mentions she chose someone, they are happy together, and can’t wait to see each other again. I’ve yet to hear that.

-Time for the embarrassing portion of last nights show: Kiptyn and Jillian flamenco dancing. They walk in to a mini studio where two instructors are waiting for them, Maria and Ricardo. Let me ask you something: What were the odds that two flamenco dance instructors in Madrid, Spain would be named “Maria” and “Ricardo”? 1-to-1? 1-to-5? Could I have gone anywhere and bet on this beforehand? I believe they even said the guitar player’s name was “Paco”. What’s next? Are they going to tell us that “Maria y Ricardo work at the biblioteca?” Or that Maria drives a red car? If I remember anything about high school Spanish class, it was that every female in the text book was named “Maria”, and every male was named “Ricardo”. And I’m sure they had a third friend named “Paco” who liked going to the grocery store to buy “naranjas, platanos, y flan.” Never in the book were they flamenco dance instructors. This disturbs me. You know what else disturbed me? The fact that Jillian couldn’t clap in rhythm. Maria could. Ricardo could. Hell, Kiptyn could even clap in sequence, but there’s Jillian completely spazzing out to a simple clap. That means on next season of “Idol”, she’s going join the mosh pit in front of the stage with the rest of them who are completely out of tune.

-Now these two decide to ride mopeds around town before settling in for some dinner. Personally, I think they should’ve gone the route of “Dumb and Dumber” and had one strapped on to the others back, but that’s just me. At dinner, they discussed Kiptyn’s tight fitting outfit during the dance session. Kiptyn: “I could get the button on the shirt closed, just not the zipper.” Jillian: “You could hurt the boys that way.” Which was a brilliant segue into her next topic of, “Hey, you want kids someday?” Ha ha. Very nice. Kiptyn says he definitely wants kids if he’s able to after having the circulation cut off to the boys earlier in the night. Then I started thinking about the kids these two would have. Short, big noses, and big ears. Outstanding. Get to reproducing you two.

-Jillian now wants to ask him some more hard hitting questions. “If I were to ask your last three ex-girlfriends what’s one thing they’d change about you, what would they say?” Kiptyn: “That I have a twin brother.” Easy there, ego. Lets not get carried away with how awesome you think you are. And there’s enough bad kissing you’ve done on this show to last a lifetime. Do we really need a second version of you terrorizing other women’s mouths? I think not. Jillian then proceeds to tell him something all guys want to here from a potential mate. “You remind me of my dad.” Guys, never tell a woman she reminds you of your mom. And ladies, never tell a guy he reminds you of your dad. There’s just really nothing positive that can come out of that. Jillian then goes to the “You’re too nice” card on him. Basically asks him that because he’s so nice, if they were in a relationship, would he ever challenge her or call her out on something. Frankly, this is a sore subject with me, so when Kiptyn says he would totally do that, she agrees. If only she believed it. I’ve been on the receiving end of this, and it seems that when you do call them out and challenge them, they don’t like it. So it’s a lose-lose situation. You keep your mouth shut, and you’re too nice. You challenge them, and it turns into a fight. That blows.

-So for whatever reason, we’re gonna bust out the date cards in Spain as well as Hawaii. “Welcome to the romantic city of Madrid. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms for the evening, please use this key to enjoy your night together in the fantasy suite. Chris.” I hated the date cards coming out this early because it’s so contrived. So I’m supposed to applaud Jillian for turning down all the guys on the overnight date in Spain, knowing that a week later in real time, she’s going to use the overnight date cards on Reid, Ed, and Kiptyn? So dumb. Jillian: “I don’t think I’m ready to spend the entire night with somebody.” Oh, but you will be the next time you see them in Hawaii? Please. Her and Kiptyn did go up to the room and play tonsil hockey since he left with his hair all disheveled, but because he didn’t actually stay the night, I’m expected to view Jillian as some virgin princess? No thanks. That was so staged in advance.

-Next up is Reid’s date in Seville, Spain. According to Jillian, they are going to have “wine, cheeses, hang out in the park, and make out.” What a wonderful day in Seville, Spain for that. Two Americans (well, one American and one Canadian) fondling each other in a park to be televised back in the States. I can’t see why the local Sevillians would have any problem with that. I could tell you one guy who definitely had a problem with them: the meat guy in the grocery store. He must’ve been like, “What the hell did I just get myself into?” The guy has probably been serving meats for 30 years in that shop, all the sudden an American film crew shows up with two idiots who don’t speak a lick of Spanish trying to order a meal for twelve. We get it, you don’t speak the language, and when trying to order, you’re trying to be funny. Reid: “Soy grande.” Thanks for that, Reid. Has nothing to do with any sort of sandwich you’re ordering. Might as well have dropped on them, “Soy guapo”, which is what I most certainly would’ve done. It’s the only thing I remember from Spanish class.

-Jillian: “Reid is not the guy I saw myself with, I’m not gonna lie.” Uh oh. Didn’t we hear that from DeAnna when speaking about Jesse? I think we did. Reid says his family loved her, but it always takes him a while to tell someone how he’s feeling. Reid is the guy this season that has a hard time opening up and is a little weary about the whole situation. Whether or not that works for or against him only time will tell, but, he does seem a bit nervous about the whole thing. Reid: “It could be love, but I’m not there yet to say it to her. I move so slow with these things. Physically, I’m attracted to her. Mentally I’m there. I just need to take time.” Well, we get one of these guys every season. Can he open up in time before she lets him go? There’s Reid’s storyline this season. Kiptyn’s is as the heartbreaker who’s never had his heart broken. And Ed’s is the guy who was told he’d be leaving the show only to be brought back so they could create drama. And of course, Wes is the villain who they throw under the bus with the butchered editing job.

-The date card comes out for these two and Reid gives the most honorable answer he can. “I’ll just do whatever you want to do.” Oh, ok. Pin it all on her. It was here where he started to mention how he gets bothered by her kissing all the other guys. Earlier in the day, Jillian had told Reid she’s not one of those girls that constantly needs to know the answer to things, and doesn’t need to constantly ask why you feel certain ways about things. Yet after Reid tells her he feels uncomfortable with her kissing the other guys, she comes back with, “Why? Tell me, tell me.” Yeah, I’m sure that won’t get annoying after, oh I don’t know, a week? However, Reid has got to know what this show is about by this point. She takes four guys to Spain, she makes out with four guys (well, I guess except Wes), then she’ll take three of you to Hawaii, she’ll make out, grope, fondle, explore body parts with all three of you, then when it’s down to two, she chooses (we’re assuming), the one who she feels most comfortable with in a hot tub. She figured once she did that with Jason, she was all his. But that’s not what the script called for, uhhhhhh, I mean Jason had to go with his heart. That changed two months later.

-Reid: “She has my heart. As neurotic as I am, as much as I 2nd guess things, I’m confident in my relationship with Jillian.” Ummmm, I don’t really know what the hell that means. I guess as confident as one can be who knows she’s getting frisky next week with two other guys in Hawaii. Or is he just saying, “Look, I know every time I go to the bathroom, I can’t leave without washing each hand 37 times, and that I’d love to be given a year supply of Purell as a parting gift from this show if Jillian doesn’t pick me in the end, but yeah, I’m pretty confident I’m going all the way. And if not, my real estate business got some free pub. And if they ever decide to do a ‘Friends’ reunion show and Matthew Perry doesn’t sign on for it, I could always fill in.” Remember how in the beginning of the season I said Reid looked like someone and I couldn’t put my finger on it? Well, I’ve gotten more emails from people suggesting who he looks like, and you should see how long this list is. Maybe I’ll share all the suggestions I got next week. Unbelievable how many different emails I got suggesting who Reid looks like. The list is at least 15 names long. And only one of them named the person I finally figured out who it was he resembled: PGA Tour player David Toms. Google him. You’ll see the uncanny resemblance.

-Since ABC was too cheap to give Ed a date in a different city (or Reid, however you want to look at it), Ed gets his date in the sloppy seconds city of Seville as well. I’m sure it still smells like Reid’s hand soap everywhere they go. Ed immediately explains himself during a horse carriage ride. Sort of. “I got home and I’m like, ‘What am I doing?’ I need more time. I couldn’t get you off my mind. I had to come back somehow.” Of course, no mention whatsoever about how he was the first ever contestant in 18 seasons to actually leave the show, fly back to his hometown (which has been confirmed by people in Chicago), only to show back up again to re-enter the competition. And without a good explanation either. Even fellow contestants didn’t even know he was allowed to do it. Our boy Michael Stagliano, who was booted last week, even said as much in his exit interview last week. Check out what he had to say:

Michael Stagliano Interview

-Jillian asks Ed, “What would it have been like if I would’ve gotten to go home with you?” Well, for one, I’m sure he would’ve taken you to all the pretty sights and sounds that Chicago has to offer. You guys could’ve taken in a Cubs game and sang “Go Cubs Go! Go Cubs Go! Hey Chicago, whaddya’ say, Cubs are gonna win today!” afterwards. Maybe taken you to the Sears Tower since that’s such a historic landmark. Then to cap it all off, I’m sure he would’ve introduced you to the numerous girls he’s bedding in the Chicago area all while pretending to be single on the show. That would’ve made for some great television. Boy, you do enough digging you find out some really interesting stuff about these people. Too bad they gave Wes the hatchet job on the editing. Probably should’ve been Easy Eddie and his minions of girls waiting for him back in Chicago not knowing what the hell is going on. Of course, none of this will ever get brought up at the “Men Tell All” episode. It’ll be the Dave/Juan show, and the “Butcher Wes’ edit even more” episode.

-The producers decide to show us how much of a physical chemistry these two have, and give us more of Hypocritical Jillian, by showing us them making out in every possible landmark in Seville. This is the first alone time she’s spent with a guy who essentially ditched her for work, then came back unannounced, yet before getting into all the questions she would need to ask somebody who pulled this stunt, she can’t keep her tongue of her mouth. Yeah, she really seems to be struggling with what Ed did. If she’s not careful, he might actually have to explain himself. But not before climaxing a few times apparently. Geesh. Get a room you two. Oh wait, that’s later. But for the time being, it’s make out city in Seville. Jillian: “I can’t stop making out with Ed.” They even jump into a fountain, roll up their pants, and make out in front of a group of people looking on probably adding more fuel to the fire of why they hate Americans. Hell, if I lived there and saw that, I’d hate us too. Get out of the fountain you two, you look ridiculous. I know the producers told you to do that, but geez, could you at least have shown a little restraint? Really? Making out in the fountain? It’s not like you just accepted a proposal either. There’s still three other guys left. Sometime this show makes me want to vomit. Ok, all the time.

-Ed: “I need to show her I’m a trusting person.” Yes you do. Can your girlfriends back home back you up on that one? Just curious. Ed asks Jillian, “How open are you to living somewhere else?” Jillian is open to the the idea since the thought of living in Vancouver pretty much makes Ed want to hurl. He mentions that he can see them being together a long time, taking in Cubs’ games, and just enjoying life together. Jillian chimes in she knows nothing about baseball. Shocker. I thought she could reel off Alfonso Soriano’s awful stats from this season. Or that she likes Carlos Zambrano’s stuff, but doesn’t know why he has to blow a gasket every other start. She really seemed like the type who could break down why its better to have Carlos Marmol setting up Kevin Gregg rather than the other way around. Wow. I really misjudged you Jillian. I apologize. How about while in you’re in Chicago, you go visit my crush from last season Nikki and ask her if she can come in and replace you as the “Bachelorette”? Like, ummmm, now. Two episodes left, just let her take over from here so I can watch the rest of this season with the volume and my pants down. Been a while since I used that one.

-The date card comes out for her and Ed. Something I didn’t really understand was her telling all the guys that she wasn’t ready for it, but not telling any of them, “Hey, just to let you know, I’m turning you down, but I’m also turning the rest of the guys down.” I think I would’ve done that if I were her just to set the guys minds at ease. Although, there’s a strong possibility she did tell them that but they never showed it to us. Because, well, they’re known for that sort of thing. These two actually did decide to use the room for the night since they had some “catching up to do” due to the script calling for Ed to leave earlier this season and come back. But Jillian assures us that the “clothes will stay on”. Like we have any idea if that’s true or not. People will believe what they want to believe happens behind closed doors. Personally do I think sex happens? Yes. That’s what horny people that are attracted to each other do. They have sex. Does it happen with all of them? Not sure. I guess it’s up to each individual person to choose to do it with whoever they choose to do it with. Sorry, I don’t have those answers. And I’m guessing you’ll never get any of them to actually admit it any way, so its pure speculation.

-Next up is a date in Barcelona with Wes. Here’s where it gets tricky. Already a lot of you are on my case asking, “So how did Wes get the bad edit job this week? Huh? Huh? Huh?” I don’t know how to answer that other than to say he did. What they did to him this week was just as easily edited as it was last week. And the week before. And the week before. It is very apparent that ABC set out to have a particular storyline with Wes’ character and they were going to edit things he said, splice them together, and get what they wanted. Although, I did find the “I have a song from my 2nd album that’s #2 in Chihuahua, Mexico” rather humorous. He definitely said that. Why? I have no idea. But it was funny. I really can’t recap Wes’ date because nothing that we were shown I believe really happened. I think them sitting at dinner and having their conversation spliced up into soundbites was ridiculous. They had an agenda with him for whatever reason, and he got thrown under the bus. There’s a big difference between feeding guys and girls alcohol, then recording all their worst moments and airing them, and to purposely putting words together in sentences from different time parts to make them say something they didn’t. Totally different.

-As you know I think Wes is getting one of the worst edits this show has ever done, and it’s nearly impossible to comment on what happened on his date, at the rose ceremony, and in the limo afterwards. I can easily see how everything he said in the limo was edited, it’s not very hard. They can cut and splice anything together and make it sound like one normal sentence without a change in pitch or tone. I’d really like to get to the bottom of this whole situation. Stay tuned the next couple days and I’ll see what I can come up with.

-Time for the rose ceremony. Three guys in suits, and Wes in jeans and a jacket. Kinda reminded me when Graham got the boot at the final four. Totally underdressed for the occasion, but, for what reason we’ll never know. Jillian: “This is one of the best weeks in my life. Never been to Europe before. Or Spain for that matter. No idea I’d have the feelings I have right now. Except for Wes. So after I give out the first two roses, and it’s between Wes and Kiptyn, there will be zero suspense since it’s obvious who is going home. Let’s just see if I can do this right without Chris Harrison here to help me. He’s probably getting another comped room and meal by one of these hotels. Bastard.”

Ed: I hope your women back home bought the “Hey, I gotta go to Texas for work” line.
Reid: Lets see how they actually depict his “bedroom malfunction” next week. I’m guessing it’ll be 100% different than how they portrayed it earlier this season. Funny how they didn’t even mention it in previews for next weeks episode.
Kiptyn: Like Wes stood a chance by this point.

-So yes, Wes did have one of the all-time great limo departures in show history. Some highlights?

“How you gonna lose to Reid? That boy’s a retard.”
“Those boys couldn’t get a nibble from the women in Texas.”
“I’m the first guy in Bachelorette history to make it to the final four with a girlfriend”

I know some of you are absolutely hanging on every one of those words and are positive those couldn’t have been edited, trust me I’ve seen your emails, but I’m here to tell you they were. Let me see what I can do and I promise I will get back to you this week.

Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Stay tuned for more. It’s coming.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

-First things first, we are having our first ever sale in the RealitySteve.com merchandise store, effective immediately. Starting today, everything in the store is now $3 off for a limited time. So click on the link to the right and pick up a great gift for the whole family (Ok, that just sounded good). The sale won’t last too long, so get in while you can.

-Hope you all enjoyed the Holly and DeAnna interviews. It was a lot of fun, and I can guarantee, you’ll be hearing more of that sometime in the future. Here’s the problem I run in to with the interviews. I think a lot of you want to hear what the contestants on this show have to say. Trust me, if I could talk with every single person after they got eliminated, I would. But I can’t. ABC/Next Entertainment (Fleiss’ company) will never give them to me because they know what my site is about, they know all I do is make fun of their show, and they know I’m aware of the heavy manipulation and editing that goes on. So if they give me their eliminated contestants to interview, half the questions I want to ask they’ll never be able to answer. So, in a way, I kinda understand. I probably wouldn’t let them talk to me either.

-These contestants are only allowed to talk to ABC/Next Entertainment approved media outlets for a year from when their show airs, BUT ALSO, are pretty much never allowed to give away show secrets. That’s where ABC/Next Entertainment holds that lawsuit above their heads. Have you ever heard of any former contestant getting sued for that “mystery $5 million”? Of course not. But the threat is there, and a lot of contestants are scared off by it. But let’s say someone does decide to run their mouth to a blog or tabloid mag about what really goes on, and ABC/Next Entertainment decides to sue, well then this thing goes to court, and then the show secrets will get out during testimony. Solution? They need to have a contestant on that’s filthy rich and can afford to lose $5 million. Then, and only then, will all the show secrets ever get out. Lets hope it happens someday.

-So that’s the dilemma. When I do get interviews with people from the show, I can try to get as much as I can out of them, but nobody will EVER spill EVERYTHING. Just isn’t going to happen. I do my best with what I’m dealt with and try to get the answers you guys want to hear. Holly did the interview because she didn’t have to go through ABC/Next Entertainment, her finale aired over a year ago. Plus, she wasn’t on Jesse’s season, and her answers towards Jesse were because she dated him, not because of anything she learned while on the show. ABC/Next Entertainment never would’ve released DeAnna to me if I asked them, she did that for me as a favor, and I thought she did rather well. Did I know there were certain subjects we couldn’t broach? Of course I did. We didn’t need to say it, but it was understood. She didn’t tell me, and I didn’t ask. I know what I can and can’t get away with. So yeah, contestants who aren’t afraid to talk to me and don’t want to go through ABC/Next Entertainment, I will take any day of the week. But if their season just ended, just know that getting any real true dirt from them probably isn’t going to happen. Some of them have just become really good at answering questions, that you can kinda read between their lines in their answers.

-Now you might ask, “Well, you had Jeremy on right after his season ended, and you had Megan on last season while it was still airing.” Very true. Jeremy is a lawyer. He knows his contract like the back of his hand, so he was well aware he couldn’t get in trouble if he answered questions how he was supposed to. And he did. As for Megan, that’s kind of a head scratcher. I thought she was great when came on. She was very candid. However, since I posted her interview, I have never heard back from her. Kinda disappointing, and I don’t quite know what happened, but the minute that interview aired, I haven’t heard word one from her. My guess? Someone got to her and told her to shut up, she got scared, and figured cutting off contact with me would be the best for her. Do I know this for a fact? No, just a guess. But I find it awfully strange the timing of how everything went down. To each their own.

-Lets start off by immediately telling you this isn’t going to be a normal recap. We will resume that next week. Lets face it, last night’s episode was about two things, and two things only: Jake confronting Wes, and the return of Ed. Did you notice that in a two hour episode, they finished the first FOUR hometown dates in fifty minutes? That’s never happened before. Each guy only got one segment, and if anyone can tell me anything memorable from any of those, other than the fact that Jesse’s brother looked like a bloated Kid Rock, be my guest. Put it this way, it wasn’t memorable enough to write what I usually write during hometown dates, when I have plenty to cover regarding Wes’ editing. I need to share a few things with you regarding what I was talking about last week in terms of Wes’ editing, plus, the ridiculous return of Ed. Consider this weeks column a lesson in “Bachelorette 101″. Kind of a behind the curtain peek, if you will. This week, I am your teacher. Some of you may be aware of what I’m going to talk about, but I think most of you are clueless. Not saying that in a negative way, I’m just saying that you probably don’t follow television, and reality television, as much as I do. Trust me, I’ve read some of your emails, I’ve seen your comments, seen some of your tweets, and it’s time you become fully educated in what this show is really about. I promise, we will get back our regularly scheduled column next week. But for this week, after reading what I’ve read in the last five or six days, I realized there are A LOT of you that need to hear this, and frankly, I want to blow the lid on a couple of issues here.

-Once again, this isn’t something that I think happens with the show, or is some sort of speculation, it’s what I know. And I’ve got two pieces of evidence backing me up this week to help corroborate my story. One is Wes, who conducted a radio interview last Tuesday where he pretty much out-ed the producers on their manipulation and editing. Awesome, Wes. One of the first ones to ever do so publicly. For that, I applaud him. I feel bad for the hatchet job they’ve done on his editing, so I’d do an interview with him anytime. The second piece of evidence I have is from an interview done last year with a former “Bachelor” producer. This person goes on the condition of anonymity for fear of getting black balled in the industry (which I completely understand), but if there’s a better behind-the-scenes, here’s-how-things-are-really-done interview out there with a former contestant/producer/director from this show, I’ve never seen it. You will want to read this interview. Trust me. Pretty much confirms everything I’ve been trying to tell everyone for the last few seasons. I know a lot of you say, “Well, we know the show is edited”, but I don’t think many of you understand HOW MUCH its edited, and to what extent. Wes’ interview, and this interview with a former producer will tell you EXACTLY what I mean. This show is basically lying to its viewing audience on a weekly basis, to the point of misrepresenting peoples characters.

-One thing we need to put an end to right now is the people that say, “I can’t believe Jillian gave Wes a rose after he said all that stuff. How can she be so stupid?” Jillian is watching the show when you watch the show. In case you haven’t noticed (and I’m speaking mostly about Wes’ edit last week), all the things you couldn’t believe he was saying were: a) in 1-on-1’s with just camera (on the show, this is referred to as an “ITM” – in the moment), b) in voice overs, or c) sitting around with the guys. Jillian is unaware what Wes says in his ITM’s while the show is filming, she is unaware of any voice overs he is giving, nor was she around when he made the comment to the group of guys about “being here six episodes”, etc. I will get to this later. You can criticize her for keeping him around because you don’t like his hair, or think he’s creepy, or don’t like his music, etc. However, you need to remember that Jillian isn’t aware of things he’s saying during filming. The producers will never run to her and say, “Hey, we were just interviewing Wes and he told us he’s here for the fame.” Even though he never said that (which I’ll get to next). Once again proving how fake this show is. If one of the men reveals in their ITM something that could potentially sway Jillian’s decision one way or another, but the producers choose not to tell her, how is that helping her find “someone to fall in love with” and potentially become engaged to? It’s not. It’s called “producing the best dramatic television show they can.” I can’t stress this enough: THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW. AND THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS TV SHOWS ON THE AIR IS INTEREST AND RATINGS. If they don’t give you some sort of drama, your interest wanes. Especially this season.

-So how did Wes get screwed on the editing? Well, lets just call it a case of “Frankenbite” (I will explain later). As mentioned earlier, Wes did a radio interview last Tuesday with some station here in Dallas. I’ll put up the link to the site so you can listen for yourself (it’s about 5 minutes long), but here are the two most important pieces to what he said.

In regards to him talking about being able to “taste the fame”, here’s what he said verbatim:

“But I can tell you that a lot of what was said was either taken out of context or it was edited in with voice overs, on different subject matters. For instance, like last night when I said, ‘I can taste the fame, I can feel it’, when I heard that, I almost fell on the floor and had a heart attack.

What I was talking about was, they (the producers) asked me a question, ‘What’s it like Wes when you’re writing a song?’ And I said, ‘Well, it’s kinda strange. Sometimes I can write a song in five minutes sometimes it takes me a few days, but, when it comes to me, it’s like I can feel it, I can taste it, it comes inside of me, and then it comes out on pen and paper.’ So, basically they can just take what I say, and take different sentences and put them together.

And in talking with the rest of the guys about “being here six episodes”, here’s what he had to say:

“They play the middle part of my conversation but they don’t play the beginning or the end. I was talking to the guys and I was saying, ‘You know guys, I understand there’s people that think I’m here for the wrong reasons. Well, I do have a CD coming out, I do need to be back home working. I said look, if I was just here for the fame and publicity, I’ve already made six shows, I’ve already got the publicity, but I’m still here, and I’m still here because I choose to be here. I want to be here for the girl, I want to see if anything happens between me and Jillian. I was definitely there for Jillian.’”

I’d say that’s pretty self-explanatory. It all comes down to this: If ANY contestant uttered the line, “I am not in love with her”, all the producers have to do is take one three-letter word out of that sentence (”not”), and it changes the whole context of what was said. “I am not in love with her” becomes “I am in love with her”. I’d say those are about as different of statements as you can make, no? Wes was asked a question about how it feels to write a song, he makes a couple comments about how he “can taste it, it runs through me”, they add in two words “the fame”, and it completely changes the whole context of what he says and makes 90% of the female audience start screaming what an a-hole he is. So to even those who say, “Well, it’s not like they can put words in your mouth. You said what you said.” Actually, totally inaccurate. They can make you say whatever they want you to say. It’s called editing. Wes never said the line that was presented to us last week about wanting to “taste the fame, it runs through him, etc”. He was talking about writing a song, but they added in “fame”, and there’s your storyline. Like we said last week, do you honestly think that someone would be that stupid to just start talking to the cameras about being there for those reasons? C’mon people. Think. Here is the link to the full interview Wes did. Scroll down the page and you’ll find it:

Wes Interview

-Still don’t believe they can add in, or take out, words to these peoples sentences? Let me bring in excerpts from this interview someone emailed to me they found online done last year. It’s by a former “Bachelor” producer who wished to remain anonymous. I think this question and answer pretty much speaks for itself. Here’s what it said:

Q: Does the editing process do justice to the contestants or is there a vast difference between what happened during the taping and what appears on the broadcast? In other words, does the editing carve out a story line or play up certain personalities in order to make it more interesting? I think this is the general assumption that the audience has.

A: TOTALLY! Everyone always ask if what we see on TV is really what happened and for the most part it is but, going back to the film 100% and air 1%, the viewer is only getting to see the really good stuff and, even still, if the stories are many we are going to edit them down to the most compelling bits, therefore leaving out (often times) how somebody goes from seemingly normal to totally coo coo pants. We have even gone so far as to “frankenbite,” where you take somebody saying, “of course I’d like to say that I love him” and cutting the bite together to say “of course I love him,” cutting out the very important “I’d like to say.” [It's] definitely very misleading to the viewer and unfair to the cast member, but they sign up for this, fully knowing the reputation of the reality world.

So yes, you can always say, “Well, it’s their fault for going on the show. They knew what they were getting into.” True, but only to a certain extent. I think in recent seasons, a lot of these people that are cast don’t really know what they’re getting into, and I know they don’t read every single line of their contract. They go in thinking, “I’ll have a good time, I’ll meet some people, and hopefully I won’t embarrass myself.” Well, that’s all fine and dandy, and they may leave the show thinking they didn’t embarrass themselves. But if a producer pulls the beginning part of a sentence they said in Week 1 and splices it together with the ending of a different sentence from something they said in Week 3, then it could very well be embarrassing, and something they never said. I’ve said it from the beginning, I’m the first one to say you are fair game the minute you sign up to be on a reality show, but when I read stuff like this, and we’ve got former producers of the show admitting to it publicly, I’d say this show should come under a little more fire, don’t you? How can I possibly take ANYTHING that ANYONE of these contestants says seriously anymore? I can’t, and neither should you.

Want more proof? How about this little nugget:

Q: What tricks or strategies does the show employ to amp up the drama and tension during the taping of the show?

A: Well, in the private one on one interviews with a producer (like me) it is the producers job to get the sh*t talking started, like “tell me honestly what you think of Sally” — if the interviewee does not want to respond in a catty way then the producer will usually go to the next level, like “well I personally think she is a self absorbed, attention starved skank,” and then see if the person will take the bait. Once you start learning who in the house is not well liked it is easy to start seeding conversations and gossip. Also, if the conversations linger too long on favorite movies and stuff the producers will step in a say, “ok we all know we signed up for a TV show — so if you don’t start talking about something more topical then you can’t have the sushi you requested tonight.” The smarter cast members start to realize that everything can be bartered. Like, “I will give you a good one-on-one interview about Sally, IF you let me listen to my iPod for the rest of the day.”

Once again, some of you may have heard things like this, but to hear it straight from a producers mouth is a different story. I’ve been hearing this stuff for years now, so its not really new to me. One famous story that’s made the rounds is that on the application for the show they ask what was the saddest moment in your life, and the person in question talked about the death of their grandmother. Well, when they got eliminated, instead of asking them how they felt about the elimination and why they think they were eliminated, the producer asked them to go into detail about their grandmothers death, essentially trying to get this person to cry. They would get the footage of them crying, THEN ask a question about them leaving the show, and now that they have tears in their eyes, it makes it seem like they’re crying over being eliminated, when in reality, they had just re-lived a tragic life experience. “Then why even answer the question?” Because some of them don’t know any better. But that’s not the point. The story they are showing you on screen is not what really happened. It’s all lies. Nothing you’re seeing is real, and you have every right to question everything you see. To read the full interview, click on this link:

“Bachelor” Producer Speaks

So even if some of you out there are still responding, “Hey, I know it’s fake, but I like the drama”, I don’t know what to tell you. Even the drama isn’t real. Maybe if Juan and David really hated each other, it’d be more interesting. But they don’t. All a producer driven storyline. And yeah, if Wes is mouthing off about wanting to be famous and deceiving Jillian, then it makes for great TV. But it didn’t happen. I just don’t see how that is even remotely interesting when it’s concocted by producers who are willing to spare no expense to tell a story. They could care less how they edit somebody, no matter how bad it makes them look. You know why? It’s their job. If they’re not good at it, ABC/Next Entertainment will find someone who’s better at it. Ask any reality show producer or cameraman if they like their job (especially on this show). I guarantee if they’re being honest, not one of them will admit to enjoying what they’re doing, but knows it’s a job and they need to pay the bills.

-Then there’s the whole scene of Jake confronting Wes about a girlfriend named “Laurel”. Once again, I don’t know what to tell you. If you don’t believe Wes, and you actually think that he went on this show with a serious girlfriend, knowing she probably would notice the guy is gone for over a month, probably gonna find out the reason for it when she sits down to watch the show, and then realizes what he was on the show for, well then, you are much more gullible than I thought. I really am amazed at how many people are believing what they’re seeing. Here’s a general rule for most of the guys (and girls probably) who go on this show: I think most of them who go on have “girlfriends” back home. Ones that, if things don’t work out, they can always go back to. Lets face it, for the most part, the guys that appear on these shows are decent looking guys. Probably isn’t hard for them to get dates. So yeah, to say Wes, or any of the other guys for that matter, don’t have someone back home that they are “friends with” back home, would be pretty ignorant. How about other contestants you hear about that, after their experience on the show, end up running back to an ex and getting back together? Here’s a short list that I can come up with:

Jenni (from Brad’s season): Her ex-boyfriend actually picked her up from the airport when she came home from the show, and now they’re engaged. Might even be married by now.

Melissa Rycroft: Lets face it, she said she’s been friends on and off with Tye for 2 years, but the “timing was never right”. Her whole ordeal happens, and yet again, a little more than six months after accepting Jason’s proposal last November, she’s engaged to someone else.

Shannon (crazy, dental chick from Jason’s season): Admitted in her post exit interview (which happened around 3 months after she went on the show), that she was happy and back together with her ex-boyfriend.

Kate Brockhouse (Andy’s season): Probably don’t remember her from the show, but I referenced the fact she had a blog about the show afterwards that ripped it up and down. Granted, she was told to stop because she was giving away show secrets, but in the blog, she actually ADMITTED she went on the show with a boyfriend, and has since gotten married.

So maybe it’s a little more prevalent for women contestants to go running back to ex’s than it is for the men. I actually posed this question myself to a former “Bachelorette” contestant in an email. The person I asked was Lisa, who as you know is one of the models in the RealitySteve.com store and finished 3rd during Lorenzo’s season. I asked her this about three months ago in an email because it was right around the time I’d heard Melissa was dating her ex-boyfriend Tye. And knowing that wasn’t the first time a former bachelorette contestant had run back to an ex, I asked her to explain this phenomenon where, during the show, they’re crying about how they’re so incredibly in love with someone, and the minute they get dumped, they go running back to an ex. Here was Lisa’s answer, which I thought was very telling:

“Actually I think that what happens is that most girls are single when they apply for the show (except for people like Kate, which I still don’t understand). I was. But then the casting process takes up to 6 months (like it did in my case) and the girls that get cast for the show aren’t as single as they were 6 months ago (I wasn’t). Between applying and leaving for Italy I dated one guy for a couple of months, broke up and then started seeing another guy (my current BF) about a week before I left. I also still had some feelings for my ex-ex-boyfriend and we even talked about getting back together when the show was airing.
For me, my ex-ex-boyfriend was just as wrapped up in the airing of the shows as I was and we talked a lot during that time. Heck, I even started talking to my college boyfriend again who hadn’t wanted to even email with me up till that point (we had a pretty bad breakup). I can very easily see how it is easy to get back together with an ex through this process. In the end, I chose to have an exclusive relationship with my current BF but it could have just as easily gone the other way. Watching yourself on TV every Monday is tough, and then reading terrible things that people have said about you on the Internet is even tougher. You need a support system to come out of it as sane as possible. Sometimes people can only find that its someone that knows them really well. PLUS you can’t date (well, not supposed to) when the show is airing so if you need some type of support from a male then you have to already know that person and be cool just hanging out watching TV and movies on the couch every night and ordering take out. Does that make sense?”

Interesting to hear that side of things. I never looked at it that way. Whatever the case, my point in this was I’m sure most of the guys who appear on this show have a female “friend” or two back home that they could always go back to if things don’t work out on the show. Doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a “girlfriend.” So basically this show somehow found out about Wes’ friend “Laurel”, and created a storyline out of it. There is no way that Wes admitted to having an exclusive girlfriend while he was filming the show. Just didn’t happen. I mean, you saw the way it played out last night, with Jake in his questionable airline outfit showing up at Jillian’s hotel room to warn her about Wes. That was a bad daytime soap opera scene if you ask me. Really Jake? You’ve known this girl for a month and yet you’re SO concerned for her well being that you call TANNER of all people to ask if you’re doing the right thing? Please. I didn’t buy any of that garbage last night. You probably shouldn’t either. But hey, I understand some of you get caught up in this stuff. It’s my job to bring you back to the real world and tell you what you saw last night was a complete bogus storyline created solely for dramatic purposes. Jake was somehow coerced into coming back, and that whole scene was just for show. Sorry to burst your bubble. Don’t know what else to tell ya’. On a side note, for those asking me if this is the same “Laurel” who is Brad Womack’s ex, the answer is “yes”. There. Let your conspiracy rumors begin.

-Now lets talk about the return of Ed. Shocking, huh? Yeah, not really. I told you two weeks ago it was going to happen, and considering the way he returned, still really with no good explanation other than “I feel I made a mistake”, pretty much should tell you all you need to know about how “scripted” that whole exit/return was. I will be the first to admit that I was a little confused as to when Ed was returning. In a previous column, I stated that Wes didn’t last past the hometown dates. Obviously I was wrong, because I screwed my math up. I’ve always known who the final four, final three, and final two were, but I got confused when they went to the 30 guys and 5 hometown dates. If it were a regular season, after the four hometown dates, the remaining three men would then go off to their final destination. Well this season, after the hometown dates, the four remaining men actually go to Spain first, and then to Hawaii. So when I had found out early on that Wes “gets to the final four”, it was before I realized there were going to be 5 hometown dates. So you see what I’m getting at. Yes, Wes goes home next week. Don’t think many of you are shocked to hear that.

-As for Ed himself, some interesting news regarding him that’s come to light in the last week or so. The rumors circulating are that he’s left a female in Chicago high and dry about his “Bachelor” experience. A girl that he was dating who believed she was his girlfriend. And the girl is pretty upset at what has transpired. As the story goes, I received an email from a friend of one this girl explaining to me that her friend “without a doubt” was Ed’s girlfriend before he left for the show. This girl was under the assumption they were dating when he left to film the show. He came back to Chicago (after the bogus work excuse), then left again, saying he had to go to Texas for something . This girlfriend then couldn’t get a hold of him for a while after he left for “Texas” (i.e. Spain and Hawaii). An email was sent to him asking “So I guess we’re seeing other people now” and Ed responded with “No, I just need to wait until this show is over”. This Chicago girlfriend of Ed’s is under the assumption they are still together and she just has to wait out the show. I’ve have tried through a couple different channels to get this girl to talk to me, but she wants to stay out of the media because she feels embarrassed her boyfriend went on a dating show on national television. Wow. Good stuff. So Lindsey, if you’re out there and want to officially tell your side of the story, whenever that may be, I’m here for ya’. Kinda sucks what he did to you.

So that’s it for this week. I hope I educated enough of you out there to where you stop believing the lies this show spreads on a weekly basis. Hey, that’s why I’m here. No “Reality Roundup” on Friday as I’m on a plane to California tomorrow morning for 4th of July weekend. As always, any questions, comments, emails, praises, criticisms, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Until next week.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

So here is our DeAnna Pappas interview conducted Thursday, June 18th. Because we wanted to have a little fun with it, 30 minutes in to the interview, I surprise DeAnna by bringing in Jeremy from her season. Well, I didn’t really bring him in since he was sitting next to me the whole time. We just had him start talking for the first time after I got in a good half hour with DeAnna. Then about five minutes after bringing Jeremy on, we conference in Holly Durst, and the last 45 minutes or so are with the four of us. So I’m warning you now, if you’re looking for hard hitting journalism when the four of us are all on together, uhhhhh, forget it. Not even close. It gets pretty juvenile, but, I think you’ll enjoy hearing the three of them interact. And I apologize beforehand that Jeremy and I had to share one microphone in the studio, and he sometimes forgets to speak into it, so his voice is a little faint at times.

So here’s how it breaks down:

Interview with DeAnna (about the first 30 min): Among other things we talk about are her role on the “Lifetime” show “Get Married”, does she have a boyfriend right now, a brief mention of her stint on the “Bachelor” with Brad Womack, how she came to be the “Bachelorette”, deciding between her final four of Graham, Jeremy, Jason, and Jesse, including, who was her original final two going to be and why did it change, her role of showing up in New Zealand last season during Jason’s “Bachelor”, the YouTube video Jesse put out, plus, she answers some tough questions regarding her breakup with Jesse about as well as she could, plus much more.

Jeremy and DeAnna (about the next 5 minutes): These two get about five minutes together while I fiddle around trying to get Holly on the phone. She even tells Jeremy, yet again, why she let him go on the show.

Jeremy, DeAnna, and Holly (about the next 45 minutes): As I mentioned, this is pretty much a gigglefest. Although, we do find out a few things: How many women from the “Bachelor/ette” series has Jeremy made out with? How many men from the series has Holly made out with? (I’m not sure they answered honestly). Holly and DeAnna tell us who is a better kisser, Jeremy or Jesse? Jeremy tells us who’s a better kisser, Holly or DeAnna? (See, I told you this gets pretty juvenile). What guys would Holly and DeAnna pick as their final four from Jillians season? What does DeAnna think of Jason falling in love with three different women in a span of six months (DeAnna, Melissa, and Molly)? What tabloid rumor was the funniest one they heard about themselves? Who is President of the Twitter clique? What nicknames have been unilaterally decided for all of us? Yeah, it’s all there in a 45 minute screw off session. Entertaining, but completely silly. Hope you all enjoy the interview with DeAnna and friends. It was a good time all around and I thank all three of them for coming on. To listen to the interview, click on this link:

DeAnna Pappas Interview

A couple final notes. Some of you made mention of some negative comments being deleted under the Holly Durst interview. Let me clarify what happened. I have no problem if you choose to leave negative comments. Hell, all you have to do is look at the 70 or left about Holly’s interview to know that over 3/4 of them are of the negative variety. If I didn’t like them, then I’d delete them and I’d only leave the positive ones up. Not gonna happen. You can speak your mind about whatever you want. I don’t necessarily agree, but you can voice your opinion. However, two comments were deleted, but they were for reasons I’d rather not get into. Those people know who they are, they know why they were deleted, and I’ll just leave it at that. I’m all for expressing opinions, but the minute someone completely crosses over the line and takes it to an extreme that even I can’t believe, that’s where I have to put an end to it. It’s a comment board, people. Calm down. So just know there were two that were deleted for reasons I felt necessary, and that’s that.

And lastly, I haven’t seen it reported on any of the news sites yet, but according to the “Dallas Morning News” this morning, Melissa Rycroft got engaged over the weekend to boyfriend Tye Strickland. Here’s the link to the article. Sounds like they are speculating, and I’ve yet to hear it from any other site, but just wanted to share:

Melissa May Be Engaged

As always, as questions, comments, feedback, praises, criticisms, feel free to email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Back tomorrow with your “Bachelorette” recap and an update regarding the merchandise store. See you then.

Administrator Interviews, The Bachelor 12 - Matt, The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna, The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

An interesting week to say the least. For those that only come here on Tuesdays for the column, there have been three developments regarding the site since last week. They are:

1) We have now added a banner over here in the right hand column that is a direct link to the merchandise store. And due to the interest we’ve been receiving in it, we’ve decided to add a little something. Stay tuned in the following days for more information. In addition, if you order this week, we will actually be able to get it out a lot quicker than usual.

2) Jason Mesnick decided to call me out during a radio interview this past Friday. I’m not going to re-hash it. I posted the 2 minute audio clip of what he said and my thoughts yesterday. For the record, I’m pretty much done with it. He said this thing, I retorted, now it’s done. Jason apologists and his fans will back him and think I’m lying, and my fans will back me and think Jason is a douchenozzle. That’s expected. But I have no plans to revisit this anytime soon. What’s done is done. Lets move on. But thanks for purchasing the baby blue “I Love Reality Steve” shirt, Jason. Looks great on you. Ha ha.

3) The interviews with Holly and DeAnna are done. Actually, Holly’s was done before I even wrote last weeks column, and her interview will go up tomorrow. I’m aiming for Friday to air DeAnna’s, which we recorded last Thursday night. I think you’re going to enjoy both of them. I’m surprised quite a few of you think you already know what’s going to be in both of them and are jumping to conclusions. Especially all the Jesse lovers out there. I hate to disappoint you, but that’s not why these interviews were done despite what you think. Yes, the topic of Jesse is brought up and we learn a couple things here and there, but if you think this was done as a complete rip job to throw him under the bus, you couldn’t be more wrong. We even have a surprise during DeAnna’s interview. Two of them, actually.

-Host Chris is back in all his Nordstrom’s glory this week with the sport jacket, long sleeve collared shirt, and faded jeans. Doesn’t look a day older than twenty-five. Or unlike any of the eight guys we have left. And Chris is doing what he does best, ripping me in his blog. Ha ha. Kidding (Especially in his blog today, since he wastes no time starting to recap the episode and not referencing any of the numerous things I’m right about this season. Good job, Chris. Now tell your boy Jason to move on too). No, he’s actually paying attention to the show and announcing what kind of dates there’ll be, how they’ll play out, what city they’re in, where they’re headed, and what a train does. They will all be boarding the Rocky Mountaineer train. Hey, is Rocky Mountaineer friends with Thomas the Train? Just asking. There will be one group date, and two 1-on-1’s. And since we have 30 men this season, there will be five guys getting hometown dates, something I reported in the first column of the season. But hey, everything I write is lies, so why would you believe me? (Side note: In his blog, Chris talks about a pretty funny line that Tanner had which never made the air. Tanner obviously said this when Chris wasn’t around. So, Chris is told of a funny comment that Tanner made when he wasn’t around, yet, no one decided to inform him last week that Ed left the show? Uh huh).

-For no reason whatsoever, before the dates get started Jillian just randomly throws in there, “I still miss Ed.” He’s never brought up again the rest of the episode, nor is he talked about amongst the other guys. So yeah, they’re playing the foreshadowing card once again. I have never claimed to know everything that goes on with this show because I don’t. I tell you what I know. But the Ed thing, even if I didn’t know, I could’ve figured out. Why? Ummm, because I have two eyes. And I know the way this show works. It works in storylines. It leads you down one path so you can start believing one thing, so then it can spring something else on you later down the road. I’ll get into it more later regarding Wes, but if you can’t see how badly he was edited tonight, I don’t know what to tell you. Not that I’m a fan of Wes by any means, but it was fairly obvious tonight they edited him in a way that made him say those things. If you listened closely, so many of his lines were said without the camera on him, and you know those were just set up and spliced in to make him look bad. Once again, for a storyline. Oh sure, he said it. But I guarantee it wasn’t said in a way that was presented. And this is coming from a guy who admittedly isn’t a Wes fan. I just know he got shafted on the editing tonight.

-First 1-on-1 date is with Wobby. I call him that because, well, that’s how he comes across to me. Rob is macho. Robby is a bartender. Wobby is a bartender who says things like, “My mentality going into this date is ‘I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…get that rose tonight.’” Lord that was stupid. Did he really just say that? All he needed to do to top that off would be to yell “Choo! Choo!” as he pretends to yank on the horn as the conductor of the train. Wobby is kind of a little dork who really doesn’t seem the most comfortable around people with breasts. He and Michael should get together and go bowling with John Bender and Andrew Clarke’s fathers. Yesssss!!!!! My first “Breakfast Club” reference of the season. Top five teen movies of all time. So Jillian takes Wobby out to one of the sidecars to get a view of all the mountains, trees, and lakes they’re passing. Wobby can’t believe he’s actually on a real train and not one that he plays with in his garage. Weeeeeee!!!!! Then the train goes shooting through a tunnel, and Jillian lets out one of her proverbial ziplining screams which makes my ears bleed. Has she never been in the dark before? Really? I guess she likes it with the lights on.

-Wobby and Jilli go back inside since she has a great place for them to eat dinner tonight. In the caboose. Oh, I bet that horny Canadian likes it in the caboose. Hell, she likes being bombed every episode as it is, what’s wrong with a little backdoor action. Over dinner, Wobby pretty much seals his fate. “I have three older brothers, none of whom are married. In fact, they’ve never been engaged. We call it the ‘Descant Curse’.” Fabulous, Wob. How about next you tell her about how you never kissed a girl til senior year of high school, didn’t get laid til after college, and sleep with a teddy bear because the nighttime gives you the “spookies”. Yes, eventually Jillian would’ve found this out if she had given him a hometown date, but I can’t imagine he thought telling her something like that would sit well with her. And oh yeah, he also threw in he’s 25, hasn’t been in a relationship in a couple years, and he’s in between bartending jobs. And his best line of the night, “love doesn’t have a job”. Awesome. You’ll be loving yourself plenty of nights if you can’t find a source of income, buddy. Hey, screw Jillian. This sounds like the ideal person to be our next “Bachelor”. Wobby, you should’ve just jumped off the moving train to spare yourself the pain. I can’t imagine why Jillian wasn’t up for that.

-Jillian: “You are somebody that I totally would marry. In 5 or 10 years.” Ouch. Yeah, and even that was a lie. That was just her easy way of letting him down. If she throws in, “I’d totally marry you” before that, he doesn’t feel as bad about where he is in life right now. Which is nowhere. Hey Wobby, whip me up a couple Long Islands and a Jack and coke. Make it a double. Thanks pal. Enjoy that for the next five years. I’m sure that won’t get old. I also wanted to point out some awful production work. So as Jillian is about to not give Wobby the rose, the train is starting to slow down. We see a sign outside the train that says “Danger”. The other guys in the car are like, “Why are we slowing down? Something must be wrong.” Then Jillian goes into her speech about why she doesn’t want his college frat boy ass. So wait, the conductor of the train knew Jillian was about to dump Wobby? She’s in contact with him now on all her decisions? See what I mean? The whole production value of this show is awful. That was their way of telling a story with a bad ending, and it was ridiculously cheesy. Obviously, they knew beforehand Wobby was going home or else they wouldn’t have made such a big deal about the stop, the “danger” sign, and the other guys questioning what was going on. This show sucks.

-Jillian tells us her reason for letting Wobby go. “Conversation never got as deep as it should.” Damn, she’s a frisky little one tonight. Likes it with the lights on, likes it in the caboose, and now she’s telling us about how things need to be a little deeper. This is the most X-rated “Bachelorette” we’ve ever seen, and Wobby’s pants never even came off. Or Jillian’s. What’s next? Some guy not being able to get it up during the overnight date? Yeah, sure that’s what happens. If you noticed the previews last night, they kinda backed away from that assumption. I figured they would. It was so far out there and so ridiculous for them to even tease that, I think they decided it was better not to. Now they’re just referring to it as their “physical relationship”, which could mean a myriad of things. But back to Jillian, she dumps Wobby off in the middle of nowhere, even though we know there are producers right there waiting for him. Yet another dumb production move. Really? We’re supposed to believe you left him out in the wilderness to fend for himself? Kinda like when you make us believe that one dude who got dumped had to take the bus home. Sure he did. He was on that bus until the minute it was out of camera shot and the director yelled “Cut!” As always, this show sucks.

-Is there a reason Michael was crying after Wobby got sent home? What was his deal? He knows Tanner is still on the train, right? And why has their relationship fizzled since the gigglefest they had in the car during the “Amazing Race for Jillians Heart”? So disappointed that we couldn’t dive into that further. There had to be a scene somewhere of Tanner rubbing down Michael’s feet that ended up on the cutting room floor. Or sucking his toes. Or getting a foot “job”. Hey, it’s not out of the question when it comes to Tanner. Well, yes it is. Once again, if anyone actually truly believes that this guy is that much into women’s feet, and is that obsessive over Jillians ten toes, and arches, and toenail polish, then I hate to tell you this, but you’ve been duped by ABC yet again. That is a character he is playing, and nothing else. Does he like womens feet? I’m sure he does. Is he obsessive compulsive about it to the point they’ve shown us on the show? No. But when you’re in a boring season, and nothing is going on, and producers tell you to play something up for the cameras, you do it. Tanner is playing the character of the foot fetish freak this season, that’s all.

-Now lets move on to our next “character” this season, and that’s Wes. The bad boy. The wild card. The guy who might be using ABC as a stepping stone for his music career. After Jillian dumped Wobby, almost on cue, Wes comes in to comfort her. And really out of nowhere, he starts talking about his music career. It’s not like Jillian asked him, he just starts rambling about it in voice overs, and to the cameras. “I’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain. If there’s anyone here with an agenda, it’s me. (To the camera) The fame that I’ll get from this, it’s inside of me. I can taste it. This is gonna help me. I’m excited. I’ll always have Jillian wrapped around my finger.” Remember how I told you I don’t know everything about this show? Well, I don’t know exactly what context Wes was saying that in, but it wasn’t how it came across. And no, I’m not defending him because I’m pretty neutral on the guy. As I’ve always said, I don’t care about these people. I don’t care who gets hometown dates, I don’t care who gets roses, and I don’t care who she ends up with. You shouldn’t either. My point being, is that Wes just didn’t randomly come out and start saying this stuff. He was urged to so they could create a storyline. None of this stuff is said in front of Jillian ever, so then the audience can scream, “Why is she keeping him around when all he’s there for is his music career!!!!” There are plenty of you saying that today and you’ve all been duped. That’s exactly the reaction they want from you, and they’re getting it. Means their storyline is working. Wes is a musician. And he knows damn well that going on this show will make more people recognize him. They’ve just decided to play up the music career more so than it really is.

-Group date time with Michael, Jesse, Kiptyn, Jake, Tanner, and Wes at Emerald Lake. Hey, isn’t that where Jason with the hockey mask killed all those kids for ten seasons in those movies? Or was that Crystal Lake? Whatever. It’s time for these guys to put on snow shoes and go plopping around in the snow. Tanner picks out red snow shoes for Jillian to match her red jacket or whatever. So dumb. Here’s all you need to know about Tanners foot fetish. In every Jillian interview she’s given, she hasn’t once said she was creeped out by it. So why is everyone else? Because it’s an act, that’s why. Jillian probably realized that in the early going so she didn’t let it bother her. Time for everyone to play hide-and-go-seek. Such a fun game. Used to play this all the time as a kid. I remember I locked myself in the closet once and no one ever came to find me. Tough times. Maybe that’s why I have such a jaded view of everything this show has to offer. I blame it on my childhood when no one came looking for me. And this was just about the dumbest game of hide-and-go-seek ever since they were out in the woods and really there wasn’t anywhere to hide. Didn’t really see the point of this.

-Well, I guess one thing came out of this game. Jake decided to maul Jillian because I don’t think he’s touched her since he had the first 1-on-1 date. All the other guys are hiding (well, trying to hide), and Jake is just laying on top of Jillian cutting off all circulation to her brain. Is that that way it’s done, Jake? So sexy. I can totally see now why you remain single. You don’t move when you’re on top of her. So that was Jake’s way of showing Jillian he wanted more time with her, and he gets it. When they’re back at some hotel or what not, he re-emphasizes how little time they’ve had together since their first 1-on-1. Jillian gives some BS answer about, you know, having a show to tape and kinda needing to go on other dates. Apparently Jake doesn’t realize this. Then he pretty much sealed his fate when he tells her, “You are a lot like my mom.” Oh boy. Probably wasn’t the greatest idea to tell her that. First off, it makes you sound like mommy packs you a sack lunch every morning before you go bye-bye on your planes. Secondly, it insinuates that she also initials your name into every pair of underwear you own. And lastly, Jillian just got compared to the woman who birthed you. I might be mistaken, but that’s a turn off. Jake is now concerned that he’s the “ultra safe guy”. Let me tell you something Jakey, there’s nothing about you that doesn’t scream, “I always wear two condoms, vanilla is my favorite ice cream, and I cry after sex.” Sorry.

-Reid is back waiting on the train since he has the next 1-on-1 date, so of course naturally, he does what any guy would do to kill time. He starts talking to the train staff about his upcoming date. I’m sure this was all his idea, it was completely a spontaneous moment, and the cameras just happened to catch it. Uh huh. So dumb. He asked one lady whom he’s never met, if he should go on the date wearing his glasses, or not wearing his glasses. I don’t even remember what he asked the other guy since this scene was so hokey, I kinda tuned out. You know what the problem is? It’s the fact that every episode is two hours long this season. Because of that, we get awful, time-wasting pieces like Reid talking to the train staff. Really? That was supposed to be funny? Or interesting? Like any of them were going to offer him any advice we cared about. Quit wasting our time with this garbage.

-Kiptyn is next up to get some alone time with Jillian and he talks in circles. “You know those guys who want what they can’t have? That’s not me. I’m usually attracted to the women that like me.” Yes, you’ve said this before Dumbo (sorry, it’s the ears). We know. You’re not the pursuer. Usually you have hundreds of women throwing themselves at your feet on a daily basis, and you just get to pick and choose who you’d like to feed you grapes as you sit in your throne being fanned down by Egyptian goddesses. Or something like that. He could’ve talked about the rash he had between his thighs and Jillian wouldn’t have cared. She wants more awkward kissing with him. And there they go. Wow, the awkwardness level keeps rising the minute these two’s lips begin to touch. Yet all she can talk about is their physical chemistry. “Our bodies got close. So natural.” I’m still trying to find one thing that Jillian says about Kiptyn that doesn’t reference the 18 pack abs he has, him fondling her that makes her all squishy, or the fact she’s convinced herself he’s a great kisser. Let me know if that ever happens.

-Now all of them are sitting around in a group and having a jolly ol’ time. Michael out of nowhere asks the random question to Jillian of, “What do you usually sleep in?” She says it’s normally a tank top and underwear. But if its after a night of drinking, it’s just underwear. Ummmm, is that such a good thing? Not really the visual the guys really needed I don’t think. Let’s face it, it’s not like they had flashes of Pamela Anderson running on the beach topless when Jillian said that. Now it’s time for Tanner to ham it up for the cameras again. He shows everyone what he sleeps in by dropping his pants and letting everyone see his tighty whiteys. Jillian: “I don’t need to see anyone’s package yet.” Well, except Kiptyn’s since all you seem to care about is grabbing his hog when you’re with him. After Tanner strips down, he gets Jillian aside for more ridiculous nonsense. Rubs her feet down, says they are about a 9 or 9 ½ on his scale, and says they are the best feet he’s ever seen. “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family.” I can honestly say Tanner might be the only human being on this planet who has ever uttered that sentence. Frightening.

-Michael takes Jillian outside so they can make some S’mores and he can over act s’more. Get it? I used S’mores twice. Once to describe the delicious marshmallow-chocolate-graham cracker combination, and also to combine saying “some more”. Really, I’m quite the wordsmith I tell ya’. My grammar usually sucks ass, but dammit if I know how to get creative with S’mores. When talking about possibly bringing her home to meet the family, Michael gets right to the point. “My parents, brother, and my dog will all tell me, ‘If you don’t marry this woman immediately, you’re out of the family.’” How about disowning Michael from the family for the sole reason that his occupation is “Break Dance instructor”. Last time I checked, seems the only income that brings in are the loose change people throw in the hat he has laid out on his giant piece of cardboard. I don’t mean to dog on Michael because as I said last week, at least he brings something different to the table, but it is very obvious she doesn’t see him as anything more than a buddy. They have about as much physical chemistry as Jon & Kate do nowadays. Shocking to hear they’re getting divorced. Never saw that one coming. The amazing part is, “US Weekly” ended up being right about the whole thing. They were the ones who broke the news first, and for seven weeks had these two on the cover telling everyone their marriage was failing, and by golly, if they didn’t have it nailed from the beginning. Maybe we should start listening to them more.

-Finally, Tanner admits to the rest of the guys that he was the one who told Jillian about one of the guys having a girlfriend. Seemed kinda ridiculous since not one guy asked him, “Well, who do you know has a girlfriend?” After all the drama that Tanner allegedly caused, why wouldn’t ANY of the guys bother to ask him who he was talking about? Then in chimes Wes with the lines he was given, uhhhhhhhhhh, I mean his thoughts. “I’ve made it six shows already. I’ve already serenaded my song to her. It’s a no-brainer. I’ve got what I wanted.” I’ve already given you my thoughts on this. It’s an act. You wait and see at the “Men Tell All” or in his exit interview in a couple weeks. Wes is not going to admit, “Yeah, uhhhh, I totally said all that exactly how it came out and the times you heard me say it were the exact times and order I said it in.” He got hosed by the editing crew. Yes, he knew all along that as a musician and coming on this show, it would gain exposure. There’s no denying that. But there’s not a chance in hell he’s going out of his way to admit that to everyone. The guy isn’t an idiot. You gotta trust me on this one.

-Wes’ edit was complete producer manipulation once again, and even though these people know what they’re signing up for the minute they go on this show, that’s where I say the show is fake. They are telling you one story when something completely different is actually happening. Is it fair? I guess that all depends. It’s their show, they can make you look however they want. I don’t say it’s fair for this reason: They try to play everything off like “these are real people, in real situations. All we do is sit back and film it and let the drama unfold.” That’s not true. If they would just admit to it, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with it. But when Chris Harrison and Mike Fleiss constantly talk about “we can’t script this stuff, it just happens”, it’s all BS. There’s not a chance in hell that Wes said that stuff within the context it was shown. I don’t know how much more clear I can be about that. And oh yeah, they all got in a hot tub, and Kiptyn got a rose because he developed another 6 pack of abs in the last twenty minutes since we last saw him.

-Jake is still bummed he didn’t get to tell Jillian all his inner most thoughts, so before she heads out on her date with Reid, he gets some time with her. And boy does he lay it on thick. “My life’s dream was to meet someone like you. Our first date, I’ve never had anything like that. I’m really, really crazy about you.” And then he says off camera that Jillian is definitely what he wants to marry. I mean, wow. His life’s dream was to meet someone like Jillian? Ummmm, he’s had one date with her. How can he possibly have advanced that far in his feelings when even he admits they’ve barely talked since the first 1-on-1? I think you can kinda see how Jillian let this guy go. Too much, too fast. Tap the brakes a little, Jakey. Let the woman breathe for God sakes. Every single sentence out of your mouth is talking about how great everything is between you two and blah blah blah. It’s called suffocating. I think you can get arrested for doing that to a woman.

-Reid’s 1-on-1 date consists of snowboarding. Reid is a good skier, just never been much of a snowboarder. So today, he will be playing the character of “out of his element guy that does something Jillian likes, so he can please her”. Everybody, give it up for Reid Rosenthal! Very well done. Jillian definitely liked it. “I saw Reid fall head over heels for me several times today.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I get it. You’re using that phrase two ways. Falling for you as in “I want to make babies with you”, and falling for you because he kept face planting into the snow. Jillian, seems like you and I have something in common. We both have our way with words today. How about we sneak around the back for some nookie? I’m kidding. I live by one rule and one rule alone in my life: Never hook up with a Canadian chick.

-So then these two decide to sit down and have some dinner next to some ice sculptures. I was obvious they were freezing since Jillian’s giant rose turned more red than Rudolph’s, and Reid’s ears starting turning red. Do you know what this means? If you don’t, Reid will tell you. Reid: “When your ears are red, it means you either have high blood pressure or you’re horny. I have high blood pressure.” Awesome. That must’ve been quite the ego bruise to her. I mean, by admitting you’re horny, that would be admitting that she actually turns you on with her nails-on-a-chalkboard voice, her awful accent, and her alcoholism. I don’t know how many women Reid has been with in his life, but uhhhhh, I’m guessing there are some chicks in Philly that can put Jillian to shame. And hey, Reid is just on the show to promote his real estate business anyway, right “Star” magazine? Hey, at least they didn’t attribute that quote to me. However, is it really that far fetched when he has a website www.ReidRosenthal.com? You’re welcome for the plug, Reid.

-Reid admits to being a hypchodriac. He’s freaked out by the meat fondue they’re about to eat. He doesn’t like the fact that he’s dipping his meat into the bowl, then Jillian does the same. Yep, he’s a hypochondriac all right. Not a fan of the meat dipping. Uh oh. Maybe he’s the one with bedroom problems. Yeah, that’s it. They get up to the fantasy suite, and Reid can’t stand the thought of sharing a bed with a woman on hotel bed sheets. We’ve all seen the investigative pieces done on those. You need Hazmat teams to come take those things away. Reid also can’t believe Jillian doesn’t wash her vegetables. I think it’s safe to say at this point Reid is probably one of those guys who walks around with a bottle of Purell all the time too. And washes his hands before and after every meal making sure each hand is scrubbed the exact same amount of times. Or is that OCD? Or both? Whatever the case, uhhhhh, Reid is beginning to freak me out. And the reason he and Jillian don’t end up together is because he thinks Jillian will end up giving him salmonella when she cooks him dinner. Mark it down.

-Another reason why these two won’t end up together? They’ve both admitted they’re different and they probably don’t have a lot in common. Reid all but told Jillian she’s not his type. Probably not something you want to say to woman when trying to get in her pants. He says he usually goes after blondes. You just know the next thing that was gonna come out of his mouth was, “and with giant cans. Frankly, I’ve never dated an A cup before.” However, Jillian liked Reid’s answer about the question of where these two would live if they ended up together. “Once we’re a team, then we’ll figure it out.” Hmmmmmm, very interesting. Sounds logical to me. Why worry about it now when you should be working on your relationship. Good sound advice from Mr. Reid Rosenthal, my hero. Or did Jillian say that? Can’t remember. If Reid said it, I’m all for it. If Jillian did, then I don’t care.

-Jillian sits down with Host Chris for her little pre-rose ceremony gossip about the guys. Sometimes I think these two should be laying down next to each other in sleeping bags when having this conversation. Seems all very high school-ish to me. And speaking of high school-ish, just wait til later this week when we air DeAnna’s interview. I’ll be the first to admit, it became quite the gigglefest for the last, oh I don’t know, 50 minutes or so. Yes, the whole interview lasts an hour and twenty minutes. But you’ll enjoy it. It was a grand ol’ time we had together. Back to these two, Host Chris starts to pigeonhole Wes. “You know Wes is a musician. And you know the certain stigmas that come along with musicians.” No, please enlighten us Chris? You mean, that they’re all skirt chasing bad boys who get laid in every town they go to? I had no idea. I figured that when you’re on the road touring, and your wife/girlfriend are back home, after you perform, you just go straight to bed every night and not bang half the women who were at your concert throwing their panties and phone numbers at you. Ahhh, the life of a musician. Must be tough.

-I didn’t listen to the rest of their fireside chat. I wanted to be done with this episode. Jillian did pull Michael aside before the rose ceremony started probably because they needed more filler time. She just wanted to make sure he was ready for a commitment since he’s so young, so immature, and so broke. I think he said he would break dance 18 hours a day if he had to just for her. So now Jillian must eliminate two of the five remaining guys. Reid and Kiptyn have roses.

“This is really a tough night for me. I remember being in this position and it’s a big deal because now we’re getting families involved. But I know I have seven extraordinary people in front of me. I care about you. I feel really, really grateful. You are the five guys the producers had laid out from the beginning. I mean, I randomly decided I liked you five.”

Jesse: I have no read on this guy. Is he boring? Does she like him? Why does he look like he can be related to Kiptyn? A whole bunch of questions.
Wes: Good for him. That’s the least they could’ve done for him after brutal edit job he got. Oh wait. It doesn’t get any better next week either.

“Gentleman, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be over here making sure Ed’s travel itinerary is all set to meet up with us in Spain. And Hawaii.”

Michael: He was so giddy, I thought he was gonna moon walk over to her.

-So Tanner leaves heartbroken. “She’s missin’ a great guy, a great family. I have no idea what the f*** I did that was wrong?” Well, you can probably start at the foot thing even though you were told to play it up. And that you never kissed her nor did it seem like she ever wanted to use you for anything more than an informant. And once the informant doesn’t deliver the goodies, it’s time for him to go. Bye-bye Tanner. Maybe I’ll catch you at the Idle Rich Pub. Or Primo’s. Whatever the case, I feel your pain. It sucks getting dumped. We’ve all been there. Except I never got dumped by someone whose toes, arches, nail polish, and bunions I ever caressed.

-Jake wants some explanation, anything, on why Jillian sent him home. And naturally, she’s got nothing for him. Jillian: “It just wasn’t right. I don’t know why.” Good answer. I’m sure that helps him a lot. It helps him so much that in the previews, we see Jake returning during Wes’ hometown date to confront him on the girlfriend issue. How convenient that a Dallas guy decides to put on his best Mormon suit, get on a plane, and fly himself to Austin to confront Wes. I’m guessing if Jake didn’t live in Dallas, this confrontation next week never happens. Or maybe it would’ve since it certainly wasn’t Jake’s idea to do this. “She’s got the dangerous guy (Wes), the flimsy guy (Reid), and the young one (Michael). I know Wes. He will break her heart. I guess nice guys finish last.” Jake definitely played the pity card on the way out the door. But we’re not done with him by any means. They needed more drama this season, so they figured, “I know! We’ll have the pilot fly down to Austin since it’s so close. Perfect. Jake? You up for this?” And he obliges. Ooohhhh, what drama. For the third time today, this show sucks.

So the Holly Durst interview will be up tomorrow. It’s about 45 minutes long. She definitely addresses the things said about her by Jesse’s fans, uhhhhh, I mean critics. And she also us in on something most people aren’t aware of, which is the extent of her relationship with Justin Guarini. So look forward to that tomorrow. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See ya.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

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We’ve gotten a few more former contestants on board with the merchandise that you will be seeing very soon. That’s assuming they decide to send in pics that are “tastefully done”. You never know. Otherwise, the response has been great. We will soon have a store link that’ll take you directly to the store rather than having to search for the web address link. Also, there will be some specials coming up, so stay tuned for that. It will be announced in this column, on Twitter, and on Facebook, so I’m sure you won’t miss it. If you haven’t added me as a friend on Facebook or started following on Twitter, just scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and join. It’s free! And it doesn’t hurt either. If you haven’t started following on Twitter, you should. Some good stuff going on. Especially this past weekend. I just found out I’m part of the “Twitter clique” that is mean to other people. Wow. This is just like high school. I loved high school.

-In addition, HUGE news regarding the site that I’ll have for you tomorrow. It’s been a while, but, we have not one, but two, interviews lined up for all of you that I know you’ll enjoy. I will have more information tomorrow since I’m working out the final few details on both right now, but if/when this goes through, these are going to be two interviews you don’t want to miss. Check back tomorrow for details.

-For the first time ever, I’m going to preface this column by saying this: SPOILERS AHEAD! They’re coming. If you don’t want to know, don’t continue to read. Having said that, I’m guessing 99% of you will continue to read on. Which only proves that as much as you don’t want to know, you actually do want to know. Hey, just wanted to give the heads up since I will be addressing some things in this column that I haven’t yet this season.

-I’m gonna do this column a little backwards today, and start with the Ed situation first. In case you haven’t checked the site since last Tuesday evening, I posed a question and possible scenarios as to some of the things we’ve yet to see on the show. That is because we’ve heard since the beginning of the season that something happened during Jillians filming which had never happened before in the shows history, and was something very emotional. Well, as we saw, that happened last night. Ed went home. Sort of. I posed six possible scenarios last Tuesday night here on the blog about what we haven’t seen in the shows history. They were:

1) One bachelors exit causes another to question why he’s there
2) Jillian asks a bachelor to leave, only to have a change of heart later to ask him back
3) A bachelor leaves the show due to a personal/family/work related crisis and never returns
4) A bachelor leaves the show due to personal/family/work related reasons only to return at a later date
5) A bachelor leaves the show only to be replaced by another bachelor at a later date
6) A former bachelor returns which causes a current bachelor to leave

Well, there was a reason I posted this. Because the answer is #4. Why didn’t I just tell you what the answer was, or tell you that Ed comes back later this season? Well, just because I knew, didn’t mean I had to tell. People seem to think I’m making stuff up this season just to draw attention to the site. Couldn’t be further from the truth. If I was, I would’ve revealed this sooner. I mean, yeah, its kind of big deal that Ed leaves and returns later this season, but is it bigger than the scandal last season? Of course not. What we’re dealing with here is more manipulation though. However, Ed leaving and coming back has nothing to do with work. Once again, this is all part of the script. Sorry if I just spoiled it for you, but if you couldn’t tell after watching that debacle last night that Ed returns, you should be ashamed.

-You mean to tell me that all the other guys there aren’t allowed internet, TV, or phone access while on the show, and aren’t allowed to converse with family members, yet Ed Swiderski’s company is allowed to call him and give him sh** for being on the show? Sure they were. Then to see Ed with the “I wanna keep this rose” line, I mean c’mon. It’s like they’re not even hiding it this season. Complete foreshadowing that he’s returning. I’m here to tell you that basically Ed was told, “Look, you’re gonna leave the show and we’re gonna bring you back.” That’s what happened. This has nothing to do with Ed’s work, that was just the on-air reason they gave. And a poor one at that. Every bachelor that goes on this show has to potentially leave their job for six weeks to go film, so you’re telling me after 17 seasons of this show, this is the first guy who’s career was in jeopardy? Of course not. Just a horrible storyline/excuse for them to come up with.

-If Ed is going to use the “I could lose my job if I stay here” line as his reason for leaving, well, when he comes back in a couple weeks, what will be his reason then? I’m sure it’ll be, “Hey, everything’s cool at work. They said I could come back and fight for the woman I love.” Barf. This is honestly one of the worst scripted storylines this show has ever come up with, and they’ve had some pretty bad ones. For whatever reason, Ed was the guy they chose to have the drama with this season. “We’ll have you leave for work related issues, then bring you back later on in the season as the big surprise/shocker/BS ending.” Unbelievable. Like anyone who watched that last night actually thinks Ed is gone for good.

-Another reason you’ll able to tell Ed comes back? When ABC does their conference call this week with one of the eliminated bachelors, my guess is Ed Swiderski will not be the guy the media is allowed to talk to. Which makes no sense since they always give the media access to the eliminated bachelor who was the most important. Well, no offense Mark, but no one gives a rats ass you went home last night, so no one wants to talk to you. They either won’t have a conference call this week, or if they do throw Ed on there, his answers will be so vague and canned, he won’t say anything. I just can’t believe they used that as his reason for leaving. And did you hear his explanation to Jillian when he finally decided to leave? “I talked with some people, and I’m being unfair. I have to leave.” Great explanation. They couldn’t write something better for him than that? That was about as piss poor as you can get.

-I’ve presented what I can about this Ed situation. Will Ed, ABC, Chris Harrison, or the powers that be ever admit that Ed leaving and coming back was all their doing? Of course not. But I think I’ve established myself as pretty credible regarding what goes on in this show to know that this is a storyline set in motion by show, and has nothing to do with an emergency at Ed’s work. Please. Do I know everything that happens on this show? No. Never claimed to. But I know a lot. Once again, I will leave it up to you. Knowing what this show is capable of, knowing the BS they pulled last season, and seeing what you saw last night, honestly ask yourself that once Ed returns, if you really think it really had to do with work. I’m here to tell you, it didn’t. Can I prove it? No. And they’ll never admit to it of course. However, I think the track record of this show and the fact that yet again, they’ve managed to do something 17 seasons in that they’ve never had before, which is some guy’s work now is allowed to call him during filming and say, “Hey, what are you doin’ man? We need ya back at work, pal”. If you believe that, then I have some land to sell you off the coast of Bullsh** Island. So to everyone asking me, “Do you think Ed comes back”, my answer is “Do I THINK he comes back? I KNOW he comes back, and this is all part of their storyline.” That’s why I wrote what I did last Tuesday night because I wanted to plant it in peoples heads before they saw it. And since I suck at giving clues, I just presented it a little bit differently this time around.

-As for Chris Harrison’s blog today, I mean, what did you expect? Of course he’s going to deny the story about guys getting paid to come on the show, even thought its something I never said. I said I know of two guys that turned down money to come on this season. Whether or not ABC chose to go after these guys and throw money at them after getting rejected, I didn’t know. One could logically assume they did, but I’m here to tell you I don’t know for sure. And its not like paying a guy to come on the show with guarantees of final four or final three is as hard to pull off as Chris made it seem. Well if Jillian is in constant talks with producers about who she likes and they’re giving input as well, you’re telling me they couldn’t nudge her in the right direction? Please. But hey, what do I know? I don’t expect Chris Harrison to ever admit to that anyway. Why? Uhhhh, because he’d be out of a job if he did. And just like Ed, you know, tough to find a job in this economy, so you really gotta weigh your priorities. Nothin’ but love for ya Chris, but I fully expected him to respond the way he did today. He has to. If past contestants are under lock and key to never give away show secrets, it’s fairly reasonable to assume the host isn’t either. Understandable. I do love his ever-so-subtle jabs at me in his column though. Good stuff. Keep it comin’. And I love the picture they use for Chris’ blog. The caption should read: “Ok kiddos, gather round. Uncle Chris is gonna tell you aaaaaaallllll a story of how the ugly duckling Jillian is on a journey to find her prince. Ready? Ok, here we go!” So excited in the picture Chris. Down boy.

-Unfortunately, even though Chris Harrison was in Whistler with everyone, he got to take the day off and wasn’t the one presenting the kiddies with their date cards. It was Jillian who told the ten remaining guys there’ll be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. So disappointed that Chris couldn’t find the time in his day to do this. Maybe he was out skiing. Or having lunch with the fam. Whatever the case, he should be docked a little pay for not starting the show off for us like he has for the last three weeks in his shirts from Nordstroms. Michael gets the first 1-on-1 date and, predictably, starts over acting again. Tells all the rest of the boys to just go home now, says he loves Whistler, and that he’s ready to finally get some alone time with Jillian. He also seems to be wearing the striped hoodie that Jillian had on earlier this season. Or was it Chris who wore it? Whatever the case, people are now sharing clothes this season and its creeping me out.

-Michael is giddy. Michael: “I kinda like her the most out of all the guys right now. I could sit in a room and eat spaghetti with her and have fun.” Ummm, I couldn’t. I think I’d be more impressed by what the spaghetti had to say than her, but hey, just one mans opinion. I’m not here to rain on Michaels parade since he’s so excited a girl is paying attention to him now. Like, she’s letting him hug her as they go ziplining. Which by the way, I’ve never done and always wanted to, unless it’s with Jillian. Why? Did you hear that constant awful piercing scream she’d made every single time she was on that thing? Shutup already. You’d think maybe the first time she went it’d be acceptable. Possibly the second time. But by the fifth time, I’m guessing it’s a little less scary. The sound she made didn’t even sound human. I couldn’t replicate it if I tried. Man that was annoying. Of course, Michael ate it up. According to him, zipling is a lot like love. Oh geez, here we go. “You gotta commit to it, put yourself out there, and go.” Fascinating Michael. I’m guessing you are the first person alive that was able to compare ziplining to love. The only way I can compare the two is that sometimes in both, your nuts hurt. Ta-da.

-When Michael got to do the tandem zipline with Jillian, I thought he was gonna rip through his pants. They are in the spooning position as they head down the zip line and Michael says “We should try this in the bedroom later tonight.” Ooohhhh, how kinky that Michael is. Such a master wordsmith. You know what I think he should’ve gone with? “Whaddya’ say I put my penis in your vagina.” Essentially that’s what he was begging her for, so why not be a little more open about it? I hear that line works great with the ladies. Anyway, once these two are done zipping, and Michael zips up his pants, they head to a restaurant for dinner, one that Chris Harrison highly recommended in his blog today. Hey, you want your restaurant plugged, you hook a brotha’ up with a free meal. Host Chris is now pimping for the “Bearfoot Bistro”. I’m just curious if they comped his whole meal, or just gave him a discount? What I wouldn’t do to be in Chris Harrison’s shoes. He’s the greatest. Our next Dick Clark. Or Ryan Seacrest.

-Over dinner, Jillian has already had enough of Michael’s goofy, fun, over-thte-top playful side. She needs to find out if this guy can get down in the bedroom and if she has any sexual chemistry with the dweeb whatsoever. She asks him if he’s ready to settle down. His answer: “I’m the most cheesy ass, helpless romantic, fall-in-love-if-a-girl-kisses-me-on-the-mouth type of guy.” You don’t say? I never would’ve thought that about you. Why? Because you don’t act at all like a 5th grader around anything with boobs and a meat cave. And it’s “hopeless romantic” you twit, not helpless. Here’s what I will say about Michael though, and I’m being dead honest. Is he corny? Yes. Is he totally cheesy and over-the-top? Of course. Does he come across as more of a buddy than a boyfriend? Without a doubt. But you know what? I actually like this guy. At least he brings something different to the table. All the other guys are scrambling to find the perfect things to say all the time and are so boring, whereas this guy just acts like a complete dork and knows it. I respect that. So yes, I’ve done a complete 180 on the guy since last week. Will she choose him in the end? Not a chance in hell. But at least he keeps me interested and he’s not so robotic like every other guy in the house.

-So Michael turns the table on Jillian and asks her about the experience and what she wants out of life. “I don’t need to be a trophy wife.” Ha ha. That’s funny Jillian. I thought you just said you don’t need to be a trophy wife. Oh, you did? Well I think I can speak for all of America when I say this, but the last thing anyone thinks when they see you is “trophy wife”. Unless it was a trophy for finishing in 10th place at your Science Fair. But hey, thanks for clearing that up for us. We were all curious. In addition, you can’t be considered a trophy wife with the body of a 15 year old boy and the voice of Wolfman Jack. Now, the tough questions begin. Jillian: “Why did you really sign up for this?” Michael: “Well, I broke up with my girlfriend 8 months ago and I actually haven’t been on a date since.” That was about as surprising as the sun rising this morning. Michael, I’d just quit while you’re ahead and stop making references to falling in love with the first girl who kisses you and not dating for almost a year. Probably isn’t getting you laid. How do I know this? Jillian ended the night with a toast. “To a good date. A lot of fun. Never a lack of conversation with you.” Geez, why not just announce “I’m throwing you in the friend zone.” It’s never a good thing when you’re still on the show five episodes in and you haven’t been kissed yet. Or ever for that matter.

-Group date is up next with Robby, Reid, Wes, Kiptyn, Jake, Tanner, Mark, and Ed. They all just went snowmobiling around for sh**ts and giggles when essentially this group date basically became all about Inspector Jillian trying to crack the case of “The Guy with the Girlfriend”. Seriously. Every guy she pulled aside turned into an interrogation. Lets just say no one will ever mistake her for Sherlock Holmes anytime soon. Robby was up first and apologized for being a whining bitch at the last rose ceremony because he couldn’t get alone time with her after she melted down on everyone. I thought the funny thing was when Robby was talking to her, all the guys were huddling around ripping the guy saying he had no chance to stick around that much longer. Geez, when did Robby become everyone’s whipping boy? It was a game of smear the queer and Robby was, well, the queer. Apparently they think he’s too young and inexperienced to be with someone as polished as Jillian. Psssht. Don’t listen to em’ Wobby. Just because you’re younger and a bartender doesn’t mean for a second you’re not in Jillians league. Because every woman about to be 30 wants to settle down with a guy who pours Purple Hooter shots all night and reeks of stale beer rags. Don’t you forget that.

-Tanner butts in on Jillian and Robby to steal her away for a minute and really tell her nothing. Tanner is the Informant. Basically being kept around by Jillian so he can do all her spying for her. Jillian wants him to tell her who he thinks, or who he knows, has a girlfriend. “You said you’d tell me.” Well, since Tanner feels like a snitch now, he backs down and says, “Just keep your eyes open” to her, then tells the camera again, “I still think Wes is the guy she has to worry about.” So in the beginning of the season, Tanner and Michael had a love affair with each other that was unmatched in Bachelor history. Seems to me that Tanner has moved on and is now obsessed with Wes. Not in the I-want-to-pitch-a-tent-a-cuddle-with-you-the-outback obsessed, but more along the lines of, “My whole goal is to bring you down” obsessed. Tanner is a strange one, there’s no doubt.

-Wes is up next, and outside of the Ed debacle, Wes’ story seems to getting ramped up every week. Wes: “I’m the one with a CD coming out. My sister signed me up for this. I was working on the CD long before I decided to do this.” Yeah, I’m sure that sat well with the anti-Wes group. So did this line that he told the camera: “No doubt this will help with publicity but I don’t want her to think that’s why I’m here.” She might not think it, but everyone else sure does. Here’s the bottom line I’ve come to with Wes. I don’t care. If he came on the show to promote his career, fine. It doesn’t affect my life in any way, shape, or form. And it shouldn’t yours either. People that get so bothered he’s there for the wrong reasons it’s like, “Huh? And?” Why does it concern you so much? Here’s something that’ll ease your mind. Wes is not the final one. Or final two. Or final three. He gets a hometown date and then she dumps him. So there. Quit your worrying about how Jillian is being misled by him and his intentions aren’t pure. Are anyone’s on this show? Well, outside of Michael who’s looking for his first date since 8th grade any way he can get it.

-Time for Jillian/Kiptyn time which = awkward kissing. First off, Jillian tells him to “feel her butt, it’s wet.” Yeah, it’s wet and you’re completely sloshed. My god. Is this woman drunk 90% of the time? Her eyes were so glazed over and she gave the Dave its-taking-me-ten-seconds-to-blink look to Kiptyn on a couple of occasions. Jillian: “I like you. You like me.” Yep, she’s hammered. She constantly talks about how cute he is, yet these two never talk about anything worth a damn. All they do is try and kiss each other without looking like complete tards’. And they fail miserably every time. Am I the only one seeing this, or are these two completely incompatible when kissing? Boy its uncomfortable watching them. Its like the other one is waiting for the other to do something that never happens. If that made any sense whatsoever.

-Reid now has time to mount Jillian. Jill: “Reid and I have gotten off to a great physical start, but a slower emotional start.” They have? I think I barely remember them kissing once. Whatever the case, Jillian is three sheets to the wind yet again. Hell, I think Reid is too after this comment. “You’re cool. And you smell good. Like snow and flowers.” Uhhhhh, ok. Nice one. Because we all know what a breath taking combination snow and flowers can be. What an aphrodisiac. Bath and Body Works should bottle that stuff up and sell it. I’m sure it’ll outperform Sweet Pea, Cucumber Melon, and Vanilla Bean. I don’t even know what to make of these two. We haven’t seen much 1-on-1 time with either of them, yet everyone seems to like Reid. I’ve got no problem with him. I just don’t think his editing is doing him any favors.

-Next up was Jillian dancing on a bar, hammered out of her mind yet again, while jumping into Ed’s arms. This is where they went off and he first brought up that work called. Uh huh. Sure they did. So when Ed returns to the show while they’re in Spain, since he already left because of work, was that on his own dime? Of course it wasn’t. So if ABC agreed to let him come back (how its presented on the show), how are we supposed to believe it all came about? There are so many things wrong with the whole scenario, like I said earlier, it’s almost like they’re not even hiding it. Put it this way, when Ed does return, and NO ONE is surprised, it obviously means they didn’t do a good enough job into us thinking he was gone for good. I don’t know how Chris Harrison is going to spin that one, but it should be interesting. As for Jillian, I will say this, she didn’t know about Ed leaving, and she sure as hell isn’t going to know about him returning. They kept her in the dark on that one. All of this is a surprise to her. Just not to anyone else with half a brain.

-I honestly don’t really care to recap Jillian and Jesse’s 1-on-1. He got a rose. There. That’s all you need to know. Just a bunch of hyperbole of how great everything is, how great life is, blah blah blah. Nothing new here. Really. When you really break it down, anyone who goes on a 1-on-1 date and gets a rose, pretty much they’re all the same. Full of compliments, a lot of smiling and giggling, and awkward kissing (well, at least in Jillians season). So they took a plane, landed on a glacier, and made snow angels. The End. And Jesse told her he’d remember her for the rest of his life. Gee, I would hope so. Kinda hard to forget someone you went on national television with in your 20’s looking to find your wife. The biggest head scratcher of their date was Jesse telling us how much he loves Jillians voice. WHAT???!!!! “I can listen to her all night.” Well, you deserve a medal then because I don’t know anyone else who can. Hell, even Jillian can’t stand her voice. “Who thinks my voice is soothing? It’s like nails on a chalkboard. Sounds like I’ve been drinking whiskey since I was a kid.” Preachin’ to the choir, sweetie. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-There is no cocktail party tonight. Jillian is still down in the dumps that Eddie left to go back to work. So during her sit down with Chris, she tells him what happened. “Ed had to leave today.” And by God, if Chris Harrison didn’t pull the greatest acting job ever. “He did? I’m so sorry.” HUH??? Chris, in your blog today you admitted you were in Whistler the whole time with everyone. You actually expect us to believe that until you sat down next to her, you had no idea Ed had left? Please. You probably drove the guy to the airport, dropped him off, and gave him a, “See you in Spain” farewell. Unbelievable. You wonder why I criticize this show. You wonder why I make fun of this show. That scene right there. Last season, Chris talked so much about he’s involved with the day to day action of the show and there’s just no way that if Jason was in on this all together, more people would’ve known about it. Yet, this season, he’s now telling us as the host of the show that he had no clue somebody left to go home? Something that’s never happened before in show history? I think you get my point. Hey Chris, the US sent a man to the moon back in the 60’s. And oh yeah, Barack Obama is our President. Just wanted to fill you in.

-Time for the rose ceremony. Michael and Jesse are safe. Jillian: “Had an incredible week. Best dates I’ve had, but also the best days I’ve had. It was hard to watch Ed leave, but I’m moving on since I’ve got a remarkable group of guys in front of me. And Mark.”

Reid: A lot of people think he looks like Matthew Perry. Eh, kind of. There’s still someone he resembles more that I can’t put my finger on.
Kiptyn: He can’t kiss and he has big ears. Will make for great Bachelor next season. Supposedly. Don’t believe everything you hear quite yet.
Robby: Enjoy your stay my friend.
Jake: Man, we haven’t seen sh** from this guy since his 1-on-1. Never a good sign.
Tanner: The Informant gets another week to search for clues.

“Gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. Tough call here Jillian. Wes or Mark. I don’t envy you. We’re all waiting in suspense. I’ll be over here behind the wall on this new thing they call a computer. Cool stuff.”

Wes: Man, at least they could’ve made the final two Mark and Tanner. Like anyone in their right mind thought Mark was staying over Wes? Hell, even Chris gave us a little nugget today that Jillian wanted to dump Mark last week. Poor guy. Been cheated on four times and now this. He’s probably going to go drown himself in marinara sauce.

-Ok, lets address the thing a lot of you are curious about, which is the preview clip of Chris saying, “Later on this season, it’s every guys worst nightmare. Someone experiences problems in the bedroom.” Look, I honestly don’t know what that’s about. But lets be real here for a second. This is a show that for 17 seasons, has never once addressed the issue of what happens on the overnight dates when the doors close. And we all remember Jillian freaking out to that question before the season started when someone asked her if she slept with Jason. With the editing job this show has done season in and season out, do you honestly think that they are alluding to one of these guys not being able to get it up in the fantasy suite? I mean, really? You really think that? I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what it is for sure, but I can tell you what they aren’t talking about, and that’s some guy and Jillian not being able to have sex in the fantasy suite. Please people. Let’s actually think this stuff through. This is nothing more than a classic ABC tease. Of course they want you to think that, and judging by most of your reactions, you bought it hook, line, and sinker. Well, you’re going to be disappointed. I’m 99.9% sure that is not what they’re talking about. Probably something stupid like, he’s never spent the night with a woman, or he’s a virgin, or something lame. They purposely never answer the “sex” question when it comes to the overnight date. Now we’re expected to believe not only do they talk about it, but they go into detail? Uh huh. Calm down everyone. I can’t believe you fell for that.

So that’s all for this week. Back tomorrow with news regarding our next interviews upcoming. Trust me, you are not going to want to miss these. I think a lot of you readers will be getting the things you want to hear in these interviews. These women have a lot to say. One moreso than the other because, well, she can. Back tomorrow with more. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at steve@realitysteve.com.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

Since the beginning of the season, Chris Harrison has teased that something happens this season that’s never happened before in show’s history. In fact, here are his exact quotes.

From an interview with EW.com he did before the first episode aired:

“Halfway through the season, there is something different that happens with Jillian that we’ve never faced before. You don’t plan for it, you don’t script it — because you can’t.”

At the end of last night’s episode previewing next Monday’s show, we heard Chris saying this:

“And then, it’s the shock of a lifetime. (Cut to scene of Jillian crying, “I really, really, really liked you”), that leaves Jillian devastated.” Jillian: “This is just proof that no matter if you’re wearing the pants or not, it doesn’t protect you from getting your heart broken.”

From his blog earlier today on EW.com:

“One of the biggest surprises we encountered this season takes place next week and it leads to one of the most emotional episodes we’ve ever had.”

What does this all mean? In case you haven’t heard, a bachelor leaves the show on Monday. Is it by circumstance or by choice? Well, if the show is promoting it as something that’s never happened in the history of the show, lets look at the possibilities of things that have never happened:

1) One bachelors exit causes another to question why he’s there
2) Jillian asks a bachelor to leave, only to have a change of heart later to ask him back
3) A bachelor leaves the show due to a personal/family/work related crisis and never returns
4) A bachelor leaves the show due to personal/family/work related reasons only to return at a later date
5) A bachelor leaves the show only to be replaced by another bachelor at a later date
6) A former bachelor returns which causes a current bachelor to leave

We know this is a boring season. The ratings speak for themselves. Is it possible, after EVERYTHING that went down last season, that ABC is creating drama once again to generate interest? Could it possibly happen yet again where people are being led to believe and see one thing, when in reality, that’s not what’s really taking place? Are the writers running out of ideas, or coming up with new ones?

More to come in the following days. Stay tuned.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

-I wanted to let everyone know right off the bat that I am aware of the slow loading process that the website sometimes has, as well as the comments section. I’ve looked into everything and still can’t figure out the problem, so, just bear with it the rest of this season, and by next season, we are going to go with a new layout for the site. If you bring up the page, and it doesn’t load, just wait. Sometimes it takes ten seconds, sometimes thirty, or sometimes a minute. But it’s always working very shortly thereafter. As for the comments section, same thing. Sometimes it loads immediately when you click on it, and sometimes it takes a while. If you’re hell bent on commenting, then wait it out, or refresh and try again later. So yes, I am aware of the slow loading of the site at times but I don’t want to fix it mid season since it’ll be down for long periods of time. I’d rather just deal with it once this seasons over. In the meantime, enjoy what we have now because it won’t be around much longer.

-The merchandise store seems to be a success at this point. If you haven’t purchased anything yet, check it out at:

www.RealitySteve.com/store

If you and your friends are thinking of purchasing items, email me and I can help you with saving a few dollars. Keep the orders coming and get your pictures in so we can get them up on the site.

-Before we get started, let me first give you my first bit of information I found out about this season that is 100% true. I’ve heard plenty of rumors and innuendo, but finally something has come to the forefront that shows once again how well engineered this show is. Not surprising to hear this, but still, par for the course for ABC. As we all remember in the first episode, when David exited the limo, he stood in front of Jillian for a good ten seconds in complete silence. In episodes since, the guy has been anything BUT silent, and has come across as a drunken lunatic. Yet on the first episode, he said he couldn’t think of anything to say, Jillian liked that approach and gave him the first impression rose for it. Well, I have found out in recent days, confirmed to me by three independent sources, that Dave was told on the night of the meet-and-greet to pretend he was nervous. In addition, the scene where he is speechless in front of Jillian was also re-shot THREE times because he kept laughing every time he did it. Like I said, not surprising to hear it, but it all plays in to “roles” that are created for each guy. So it’s very tough to take any edit of Dave from here on out seriously, because it seems like they just decided to have fun with him. However, us as viewers can only go with what they show us, so that’s what I’ll comment on. But if the first impression rose was staged this season, exactly what are we supposed to think about the rest of this nonsense?

-It’d be one thing if they told Dave to act speechless, and not say a word, and never told Jillian about this. Still it’d be wrong, but at least Jillian would be clueless. But the fact that the scene was re-shot three different times because he couldn’t get through the first two takes without laughing means Jillian knew all about what was happening, and giving him the first impression rose because she liked “his approach” was complete B.S. Hey, I don’t think I’m breaking any earth shattering news here by telling you portions of the show are “scripted”, I just wanted to point out a scene in particular that was. The fact that ever since the first night Dave has been made out to be a complete bully who can’t hold his liquor and would like nothing better than to string Juan up by his nuts David Carradine-style, makes me even more interested to hear what Dave admits to now that he’s been eliminated. Nice legacy Carradine left behind, huh? Great character actor and liked wearing fishnet stockings and getting off while suffocating himself. Outstanding. Hope that last orgasm was worth it, buddy. On to last night.

-Host Chris, for the 3rd episode in a row, starts off the show by telling us what’s up. Cuz heez da’ shiznit. Sorry. Trying to act like Michael the screaming breakdancer who likes talking with his rap hands. Is it possible for him to speak A) at a volume lower than 10, or B) without moving his hands around like he’s hosting “Yo! MTV Raps”? Just asking. Anyway, Chris tells us there’ll be a group date, a 1-on-1 date, and a 2-on-1 date. But since we all know what happens on the group and 1-on-1, “lets talk about this other date.” Yes Chris, lets do that. Since we’ve never seen this before in the history of the show. Well, except in the last about seven editions this show has produced. Do the guys really not know what happens on the 2-on-1 date? Pretty simple. One guy gets a rose, one guy doesn’t. What ‘tard hasn’t figured that one out yet? Are they thinking it’s gonna be a menage a tois? Maybe they think 2-on-1 means she likes both of them so much, they’re both getting roses and are just out for a jolly good time that night. Sometimes this show really thinks its viewing audience is stupid. I mean, really stupid.

-Host Chris also tells them they’re leaving the mansion for good and headed to Vancouver, Jillians hometown. Although, I thought her hometown was Alberta. Hell, what do I know? Ok, so her bio says she’s a native of Alberta, but currently resides in Vancouver. I guess it all depends on your definition of “hometown”. I pretty much spent my whole life in Orange County, Ca. Now I’m living outside of Dallas. I certainly would never say my hometown is Dallas. My hometown is Orange County. I currently live in Dallas. But whatever. The show can BS us all they want. It’s a minor technicality compared to re-shooting Dave’s opening limo scene. What a joke. Jillian is so proud that her “hometown” is the site of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. I would expect someone from Canada to be excited about that since, well, they can watch their national hockey team take 4th place again. Maybe Janet Gretzky can light the torch during the opening ceremonies. If she does, can I get some action in on that? What are her odds in Vegas? I liked Wayne in the “Waikiki Hockey” sketch when he hosted “SNL” in 1989. Funny stuff. Gambling addict wife? Not so funny.

-Kiptyn gets the solo date on the night and is pretty excited. See, he and Jake are having a little pow-wow and are so thrilled because they think Jillian is different than the other bachelorettes. Jake: “For the first time in my life, it seems like a girl is looking for the nice guy. I don’t understand the ones who chase the bad boys.” Wow. Jake and I actually have something in common besides both living in Texas. We both don’t understand the “bad boy” phenomenon. Look, I know women have their phases with it, I just don’t understand it. And never will. That’s because I’m the nicest guy on the planet and look where that’s gotten me. Ha ha. I’m kidding. I’m in a good place right now, so I ain’t complaining. Anyway, I’ll get off the “woe is me” card right now and get back to the task at hand. And that’s Jake the pilot who loves the fact Jillian likes nice guys. Uhhhh, Jake’s in for a rude awakening. Looks like he’s headed down a road all too familiar for the “nice” guys, and we all know what that is. It’s called the “Friend Zone”. And Jake isn’t too far away from being thrown in. Bump-bump-buuuuuummmmm.

-So Kiptyn and Jillians date made me nauseous I must admit. Why, you ask? Because every freakin’ sentence out of their mouth was a compliment about the other person. Immediately when he meets up with her, they run into each others arms (the running when meeting someone needs to stop. Act like you’ve been there before guys), and he tells her, “You look beautiful”. Nice compliment. No harm in that. The only problem was she was in jeans, an oversized raincoat, and a scarf. Beautiful? Really? So when she’s all decked out and dressed up in her 5 inch heels and sparkly backless dress and you tell her she looks beautiful again, doesn’t it lose its luster a bit? Ease up pal on tossing word beautiful around. The law of diminishing returns will set in rather shortly if you keep it up.

-Immediately these two get in a kayak so they can head over to the market and buy some food for the night. Jillian wants to find some homemade tortellini so she can make it with her special sauce. Uh huh. I say Kiptyn’s special sauce will work out just fine on your tortellini. I’m so immature at times, it’s frightening. Really. So after these two go to the market, this little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy had none. Ok, somethings come over me tonight and I don’t know what, but I’m delirious right now. Maybe cuz’ I’m tired. I’ll try and fight through it, but I can’t promise anything. So Jillian and Kiptyn sit on a park bench and talk about charity work. Kiptyn does some work with kids, and Jillian chimes in she’s put in work with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Organization. Hey Canadians, want me to say something nice about Jillian? Ok, I will. Very cool she did work for Big Bros/Big Sis because I was involved with the program myself for five years. Still keep in touch with my “little brother” to this day. So at least Jillian has one redeeming quality about her I can appreciate.

-Kiptyn: “Jillian and I have the beginnings to a relationship of people who are best friends.” I’m glad he was able to tell this by a kayak across the river, shopping at the market, talking charity work, and feeding the pigeons. Why not just propose now since everything you guys say to each other at this point seems to impress the other one. Jillian could say right now, “Hey, I have horrible gas every morning and usually go days without brushing my teeth” and you know what Kiptyn’s response would probably be? “Really? Me too!” This love affair is almost too much too soon. They’re convinced that this is real between them because they’re not on an extravagant date. They’re just chillin’ at Jillians place (well, it’s not really her place as Host Chris explains in his blog today)she’s cooking him dinner. Hey, I’m all for more normal dates since that’s where people get lost and caught up in the fantasy of this show since once you get back to the real world, the days of you taking helicopters over mountains and repelling down sides of buildings on your first date end, and dinner at Olive Garden then to a movie begin. But now these two are a married couple because she’s at home, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen making a pie. Or something like that.

-The diarrhea of compliments continues. Jillian: “What’s your biggest turn on?” Kiptyn: “Being spontaneous.” Jillian: “Me too! Love that! As for physically, well, you should probably just look in the mirror.” These two are so cute. Like two little cats playing with a ball of string. Just doing the same thing over and over again for hours while the rest of watch bored out of our minds. The outpouring of affection between these two is never a good sign. It’s almost too forced at this point. Now its time for Kippy to get serious. The Kipster lets her know that he’s never really been much of a pursuer. In past relationships, he’s tended to end up with people who come after him. Yeah, I know what you mean pal. It’s tough fending off so many women at a time. Man, what a tough life you and I lead. I just wish we didn’t have so many women approaching us all the time, you know? I’m glad Kiptyn cleared that up for us because what better show to go if you’re not a pursuer than the “Bachelorette”. It’s not like you have to put yourself out there very much at all and force yourself to have time with a woman being pursued by 29 other guys. So if Kiptyn isn’t a pursuer, and this show is essentially all about pursuing, then how in the hell did he end up on this show? Hmmmmmmm, interesting question. Wouldn’t it just be so crazy if Kiptyn was our next “Bachelor”? You know, since he usually ends up with women who come to him. Well, what better show to do that becoming the “Bachelor”? Boy, that would just be perfect for him. Let’s stay tuned for those developments.

-However Kiptyn, after telling us he’s not a pursuer, not explains why he came on this show. Kip: “I was telling myself, ‘You need to do this. You need to go after something.’” Well, either that or someone influenced you to come on the show with a few hundred benjamins in hand. Hey look, I said it a month before the season started, and I’ll say it again. I know that there were two guys approached about coming on the show, both offered $50k and guaranteed at least final four, and both of those guys turned it down. Now, whether or not ABC decided to go after a couple other guys with the same offer, or more money, or less money, I don’t know. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. But I know that two individuals were offered money to come on the show and rejected it. It might mean that some of the guys this season were paid, it might not. However, I will say this. If Kiptyn ends up in the final two, doesn’t get picked, and ends up as our next “Bachelor”, I think the writing is on the wall. This show is telling a story, remember that. It’s not that far fetched to think that’s what’s going on here. Time will tell.

-Now its time for the group date with Michael, AA Dave, Wes, Reid, Jesse, Who-ahn, Robby, foot freak Tanner, Jake, and Ed Dean Piven Jr. Once again, Jillian is extremely excited because they will be competing in an “internationally recognized Olympic winter sport. Curling.” Hilarious. Like we would come to expect anything different from a Jillian date than curling. Curling? Really? We have to watch this? Shocking to see a date in Canada is centered around this ridiculous sport. I would’ve much rather preferred chopping down trees or harpooning whales, but I guess this is the best they could come up with. Lets get something straight: Curling isn’t a sport. It’s an activity. It’s a skill. Big difference. Doesn’t mean it’s a sport. Kinda like lawn darts or bochy ball. Sure, not everyone can do it, and some people are really good at it, but that doesn’t make it a sport. I could go on for days debating what’s actually considered a sport or what isn’t, but for the time being, just know curling is lame. Most people don’t give a crap about curling, so my interest in this date was rather minimal. I was just curious to see if Dave was going to crack Juan’s skull on the ice after a victory. Or maybe take one of the curling broomsticks and whack him across the face leaving him in a bloody pile of his own mess.

-Speaking of Who-ahn, he’s really fired up for curling. “Curling requires three things: Flexibility, balance, and touch. And I got all three.” Another important trait that any good curler should have is testosterone. Unfortunately, Who-ahn is lacking in that category. Flexibility, balance, and touch don’t come in handy when you have ovaries and its that time of the month. And considering they never really showed Who-ahn doing anything during this curling event pretty much tells us all we need to know how he fared. They were split up in to teams of five and the winners got to party with Jillian later in the night. The Blue team consisted of Wes, Ed, Reid, Michael, and Tanner. The Red team was the other five d-bags. Let’s talk about Michael for a moment. He’s annoying. Like, Dave-why-don’t-you-use-his-face-as-a-punching-bag-and-leave-Juan-alone annoying. Why does Michael have to yell every sentence? And why is he doing his best Kiptyn impression this date? Michael: “She looked beautiful today. I just wanted to hug her and get some hot chocolate.” Dude, you’re weird. Beautiful again? She was freezing her ass off in a pair of sweats. Hey Eminem, calm down you little twerp. Go show us your 1985 dance moves on the ice and maybe rupture a spleen in the process. That’d be splendid.

-So the Red team won. That’d be Jake, Jesse, David, Robby, and Juan. Yes, Juan and Dave were on the same team and managed not to come to blows. Well, at least from what they showed us they didn’t. Jake is up first to talk to Jillian and boy is he nervous. I don’t know how else to explain what he said to her. In talking about their date that happened a week ago when Martina McBride performed for them, he said, “I had a great time. It was great. Made my year. Made my life.” Jake, you’re a pilot. You’ve probably flown all over the world. You’ve probably been to places that 95% of America has never been to. Now I’m supposed to believe a Martina McBride concert with you wearing ass tight jeans and an awful cowboy shirt made your life? I know you’re trying to get Jillian to remember the one good time you guys had together so far, but don’t go overboard. It’s like you and Kiptyn are sharing the same brain since you’re convinced she’s here looking for the nice guys. Jillian: “You are too perfect.” Jake: “I’m not too perfect.” Well, glad we got that established. Because all along I was thinking, “You know, if there’s one person on this planet who is the perfect person, it’d be Jake. The guy from Denton, Texas who chose to go on the ‘Bachelorette’”. Nauseating, really.

-One guy who could better than any of the rest of them was Jesse. We haven’t seen much of him up to this point, but now Jillian is getting some alone time with him and his Kango hat. He looked like a golf caddy from the 1950’s or LL Cool J. Couldn’t quite figure out what look he was going for. Oh, I got it. It was the “giant tool” look. As Farmer Ted told the dork in “Sixteen Candles”, “Take that ridiculous thing off!” Apparently Jesse isn’t going to listen to me and is going to continue to wear it during his alone time. And apparently he’s drinking some of the Jake/Kiptyn Kool-Aid. Jesse: “You’re one of the greatest girls I’ve ever met.” This is just getting ridiculous. Jillian? Really? One of the greatest human beings ever to walk this planet? What are they slipping into these guys drinks? Jillian: “You are here for a reason, and it’s not out of luck.” She kisses him. And it’s official four episodes in: Jillian is very uncomfortable to watch kissing. For someone who’s as big a mouth whore as she is, she really doesn’t seem to be very good at it. But hey, what do I know? According to Jesse, there isn’t a single woman on the planet who is on par with Jillian Harris. Good Lord.

-Next up was the highlight of the night. Our boy Dave lubed up yet again finally getting Jillian for some alone time. Jillian says her and Dave are kinda on the buddy level going into this, so she wants to see if there’s more. Oh there’s more, sweetcakes. Trust me. Dave is convinced you will be his love slave and will wait on him hand and foot for the rest of your life. But not before he showers you with compliments, although, in a much more vulgar variety than did Kiptyn/Jake/Jesse. Dave: “Today at the curling event, your ass was fantastic. I kept standing behind you looking at it going, ‘Uh huh’. Do you ever look at your ass in the mirror? You’ve got a great ass.” Very subtle, Dave. I can’t imagine why she didn’t drop her panties right there. Wait, it gets worse. Even though she’s completely taken aback by his forwardness, apparently in his eyes, it’s on like Donkey Kong. This guy is going in for the kill. With his psycho eyes approaching, and his tongue already in lizard position, Jillian gives him the ol’ “here, let me turn my head you disgusting pig and kiss my cheek”, ala DeAnna with Chef Robert. Best scene of the season.

-The Incredible Dave does not like this one bit. “I’ve never been turned down for a kiss before. Ever.” I don’t doubt that for a second. Kinda hard when you’re holding them down against their will. So now these two are in a discussion about how women never turn down the Incredible Dave, and as she’s explaining herself to him about not kissing every guy in the house (even though it seems like she has), her top starts to slide down a little bit which does two things to Dave. #1, gives him an erection. #2, assumes this is the go ahead for him to caress her boob as he fixes her shirt for her. Very smooth, buddy. Couldn’t see that one coming from a mile away. And now he’s feeling the need to talk about what he just did. Dave: “You and I are comfortable together. You can talk to me, your tit falls out, it’s no big deal.” Jillian: “Uhhh, it’s my bra.” If this whole scene doesn’t show up on the “Soup” Friday, some intern screwed up. Hell, this should be the “Clip of the Week”. Dave, just because Jillian showed you her training bra doesn’t necessarily give you the right to mount her on national television. I will make a bet with anyone right now that, if it already hasn’t happened, at some point Dave will either get:

a) maced by police officers
b) arrested for public drunkenness
c) arrested for disturbing the peace
d) accused of domestic violence
e) all of the above. On the same night.

I don’t think there’s been a season I was looking more forward to the “Tell All” episode than this season. If Dave isn’t on the hot seat for the full hour, I’ll be pissed. Even Host Chris wants a piece of him. And as we saw later, when you cross Host Chris, there is hell to pay. Hell hath no fury than a scorned Chris Harrison. Did I say that right? Anyway, Jesse and his Kango hat ended up getting the rose.

-We are now in the 2-on-1 date with Mark and Mike. Mike was the dude earlier in the season who put on a speedo and jumped in the ocean. Cheesy. He was also the guy who on opening night, tossed her a baseball that she caught, so he could use the line, “I knew you were a good catch.” Barf. Mark we basically know nothing about at this point other than in the beginning of the episode, he had neck beard. But by the time the date rolled around, someone knocked some sense into him and mentioned he might want to shave that thing off since it looks like he’s been living in the woods for the last five years. And oh yeah, Mark is a Pizza Entrepreneur. Outstanding. I can totally see Jillian ending up with a guy who comes home with pizza dough on his hands after flipping pizzas all day. Is “Pizza Entrepreneur” short for “delivery guy for Dominos”? Just checking. ABC totally missed the boat on this date. Frankly, I don’t think anyone gives a rats ass about these two guys. How can you not have the 2-on-1 date with Dave and Juan? Horrible directing. They should be ashamed of themselves. They’d have television gold on their hands if they’d gone that route. Sure, Dave getting a boner over seeing Jillians bra was good stuff, but nothing like the endless possibilities of a 2-on-1 date with Juan. Just think, there could’ve been a murder and a sexual assault on the same date!

-So the date was to take a helicopter to Grouse Mountain, wherever the hell that is. During the helicopter ride, Mike was definitely the aggressor while Pizza Hut was sitting there twiddling his thumbs. Domino’s tells us he’s his biggest competitor and own worst enemy when it comes to dating. I know. Must be tough. Fending off all the chicks who are all over in your white apron covered in marinara sauce. So Mark the Pizza Geek is making it perfectly clear he isn’t really suited for a 2-on-1 date. However, Mike is in his element. And what is that element? Throwing out every relationship one-liner he could. “I’m at the point in my life to find a woman to spend the rest of the my life with. I would make you happy, care for you, provide for you, etc. This is a big risk, big reward situation.” What’s next Mike? Let me guess, you “work hard, and play hard” as well? Mike couldn’t have come across worse if he tried. In fact, he was trying too hard. He basically was telling her everything he thought she wanted to hear and I’m guessing it came off pretty hollow.

-As for Mark, the head chef at Little Caesar’s, he joins the crowd of millions this season who have enjoyed talking about their past girlfriends. Tells us he had a long distance girlfriend, pretty much got cheated on, was burned by it, and now takes a little bit longer to open up to people. Although, he does say one smart thing, he does question how other guys on the show can say they’re in love after such a short time. You’re preachin’ to the choir buddy. Amen. Now go make me a large pepperoni and garlic pizza with extra cheese. After he whips up Jillian a meatball sub, it’s decision time for her. Does she go with the speedo dork who’s just feeding her lines, or does she consider a life in the fast lane with Luigi over here? Jillian: “This is the hardest date I’ve ever been on in my life.” Well, if you want to convince yourself of that, then sure. But I’m guessing we’ll hear something very similar in the coming weeks. She’s made her decision: She wants a medium Canadian bacon pizza with half anchovies and half onions. Mike, I’m sorry, but take your baseball and speedo and get the f-out. As she sends Mike on his way down the gondola, he says, “If I was a betting man, I’d have put all the money I had on me getting a rose.” Well, good thing you didn’t. I’m sure your ego didn’t take bashing having been beaten out by Domino’s Employee of the Month.

-Since it’s getting late, I’m going to condense the cocktail party a little bit since it all surrounded the question I’ve been more times than I can imagine this season: Which one of these guys has a girlfriend? I will be honest. I don’t know. In fact, I’m more tending to believe that none of these guys do and this is just being thrown out there to create drama. Yes, I understand that Tanner said he knows for a fact that Wes has a girlfriend, but that could easily be in the editing. I am withholding judgment until I see more. The way this show works, and considering the whole final cocktail hour was spent dissecting who does or doesn’t have a girlfriend, makes me think the whole thing was made up. Time will tell, but let’s not just immediately assume someone has a girlfriend because that’s what someone said. We know how manipulative the show can be. Remember when DeAnna had a blow up at the mens BBQ crying, yelling, and screaming at the guys that if they didn’t want to be there, they should just go home? Totally made up. Was all part of the “script” to create drama.

-So Jillian is pissed. Tanner tells her in private that guys aren’t there for the right reasons, and that someone has mentioned having a girlfriend. This causes Jillian to cry for what seems like the 100th time this episode. So instead of talking to all the guys, Jillian is so furious, she decides its time to end the party. Jillian: “I’ve been told some guys aren’t here for the right reasons. I’m very upset. So no more cocktail party. I’ll see you guys at the elimination. I’m taking my ball and going home. I might even suck on my thumb for a while.” So this has all the guys in a tizzy and all the guys look around to see who’s gonna say what. Jillian heads to the deliberation room with steam coming out of her ears. “I don’t even want to cry about it. They don’t deserve my emotion. That’s bullsh**. I want to know who it is and I want them gone. I don’t want to cry.” Funny how you keep telling us you don’t want to cry, yet, that’s all you’re doing. You’re a horrible actress.

-Elimination time. Host Chris comes out like a fire breathing dragon ready to kick some ass. “All right guys. Jillians upset. To hear that some guys might have girlfriends, lets just get it out in the open. If you have something to say, say it now.” Thirteen douchebags then proceed to look around at each other with blanks looks on their faces. Who me? Nope. Not me. You? Nope. Not me. What about you? Not me. On and on this goes until Jake tries to act all hard. Jake: “I’m here to find love in my ripped designer jeans. Be a man and step up.” Jake is a pansy, I’m sorry. Quit being Mr Peacemaker here. Like any of these guys are going to admit it, even if they do have a girlfriend. I get what Jake is trying to do here, being the first one to speak up as he’s thinking it’ll get him a one way ticket under Jillians shirt, but it ain’t happening. Basically, none of the guys speak up, yet people seem to know that Tanner is the one who ran his mouth. Poor Tanner is red as a beet, sweating like a prostitute in church, and about to cry. Why, I have no idea since I wasn’t there. Host Chris gives his explanation in his blog. But basically after weeks of teasing us with, “One of the guys has a girlfriend”, and spending the last 20 minutes talking about it, none of the guys confess to anything and nothing gets resolved. Gee, glad we wasted time on that. Hence the reason I think this was all done for drama’s sake.

-Jillian: “Thanks guys for the discussion. I want to make sure I find who I’m looking for.” Huh? Nothing got resolved, what exactly are you thanking them for? They’re all cowards for basically not saying anything. Tanner is a wuss for not admitting he was the one who ratted someone out, Jillian is equally to blame for not admitting what she knew, and the rest of them are sheep for not answering what fire-breathing Chris Harrison asked them to admit in the first place. That whole scene was ridiculous. On to the roses. Jesse the Kango, Kiptyn the weenie, and Mark your friendly neighborhood pizza boy are already safe with roses.

Reid: Hey, Reid stole my glasses.
Robby: One of the guys who acted pissed he lost out on some Jillian time when she went crying home to mommy because boys were being mean to her.
Ed: Is he going to be on next season of “Grey’s”?
Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what’s the word? Word up.
Wes: Maybe he does have a woman back home.
Jake: Don’t you dare come on this show without the truest intentions. My ripped jeans are so tight right now, it’s cutting off the circulation to my boys.

“Gentleman, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Take your time. I’ll be over here benching 440 and ready to go MMA on these clowns if they don’t step up and be a man.”

Tanner: Of course you gotta keep the Informant around. He’s got all the info.

-So yes, Dave and Juan head home on the same night. Juan basically said nothing good on the way out the door other than he’s a passionate guy, he doesn’t know what happened, and that he doesn’t have a girlfriend back home waiting for him. Maybe not, but notice he didn’t say anything about a boyfriend back home? Ah ha! Busted! As for Dave, totally disappointed in his exit performance. I wanted glasses shattered, fights to break out, and a nice forearm shiver to Juan out the door. Never happened. Dave: “I feel pretty wronged. Jillian made two mistakes. Not telling us who ratted us out and letting me go. She definitely made a mistake. What the f**k, man?” I don’t know Dave, but I can’t wait til you do your conference call with the media this week. I think for the first time I might actually listen in live on one of these and see if I can get a question in. Unless of course ABC decides I’m not a “news” site and doesn’t let me in. Gee, what are the odds of that happening?

On a side note, nice to see Adam Lambert officially admit something we’ve known for the last five months about him. Cover of “Rolling Stone”, snakes hanging around near his crotch area, admitting to everyone he’s gay. Really Adam? Could’ve fooled me. I totally thought you were straight. Maybe next he’ll tell us that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West and that Barack Obama is the new President of the United States. Congrats to him that he officially came out, but that was the least surprising news of this century outside of Paris Hilton having ties to an escort service. Or that David Carradine’s ex’s are now coming out and admitting he was a sexual deviant.

So that’s all for this week. Back Friday with “Reality Roundup”. Would still love any and all feedback related to the merchandise store. We appreciate everyone who has purchased so far, you should be getting your stuff shortly, so please, any questions regarding the stuff, email me steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

Finally, it’s here! The official launch of the RealitySteve.com merchandise store. I want to first thank my best friend and webmaster Erick for the tireless work he’s put in on putting this thing together. I also want to thank our partners at TWENTYth for all the work they’ve done as well. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, and to see it become a reality is very cool. We want any and all feedback that you can give as this is still a work in progress.

Also, I want to thank two former “Bachelor” contestants, Lisa and Michele, for allowing me to use them as my models for the site. You’ll recognize Lisa from “Bachelor: Rome” where she received the first impression rose and made it to the final three before being unceremoniously dumped. Michele was from Brad Womacks season who unfortunately got sent home early due to, well, “falling down the stairs”. However, if you really want to know what happened, head back to the “Dr. Reality Steve” edition where she was the guest columnist. Thanks girls. Great job on the pictures.

A couple things I want to immediately say about the product. First off, if I ever see anyone out and about wearing any RealitySteve.com gear, I will buy you a drink. Of course, people in Dallas and Los Angeles ultimately have a better chance of that happening, but hey, just wanted to throw that out there. Secondly, for all those who purchase products and want to be seen on the site, we will be setting up a Flickr account so that all pictures taken in RealitySteve.com clothing will be added to the photo section if you’d like. All you have to do is take a pic and email to me and it’ll get on there. And lastly, be sure to have those cameras ready because we will periodically have contests where you can win free gear. So without further adieu, you can now purchase RealitySteve.com merchandise at:

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Administrator Reality Roundup, The Bachelor 13 - Jason, The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

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-Thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes to me on Facebook. I really appreciate it. Had a great weekend in California. Not only did Spiderman sling his web for a couple days, the Hurricane also apparently got released. It’s still being debated at this time what level of Hurricane this was, but for the record, it didn’t destroy anything. Someday maybe I’ll explain what the hell I’m talking about. Took my niece to see “Up” on Sunday afternoon. I have a question: Why aren’t all animated movies in 3-D? They all make a bazillion dollars anyway, so its not like the extra cost would kill them. Just makes the movie look better. And it’s not like “Up” had a bunch of stuff flying into your face the whole time either. Animated movies just look better in 3-D. I wonder if this will start a trend. Just wasn’t too jazzed about sitting in the third row. Yuck. Not like my niece cared. She downed popcorn and a slurpee like it was her last meal. I think she liked the movie even though she fell asleep in the last ten minutes. She is now 5-for-5 in falling asleep at movies Uncle Stephen takes her to.

-In case you missed my note in Thursday’s “Reality Roundup” column, I mentioned that the “Bachelorette’s” ratings were in the toilet last week. Had 9 million the first week and only 6 million last week. Granted, I did forget to mention that you gotta take into account last Monday was a holiday. Regardless, ABC can’t be too pleased that only two weeks in, and they lost a third of their audience from the premiere, which was obviously helped along by a “DWTS” finale lead-in. I think it’s safe to say that Jillian has ZERO star quality whatsoever. Nice girl, cute, and seems normal, but there’s just no “wow” factor surrounding her at all. I just don’t think many people care about her. Probably cuz’ she’s Canadian and likes her milk to come in a bag instead of carton. Or her money has the face of someone from another country on it. That’s impressive. She’s not even your queen yet she’s on your money? How’s that work? I think America should put Kim Jong-Il on the $20 bill now so we can be more like Canada. On to the good stuff.

-Host Chris looking quite dapper yet again in his shirt from Nordstroms says that there will be three dates this week: two 1-on-1 dates, and a group date. And once again, a rose is up for grabs on each date. I can’t remember which season they started that whole routine but it’s not even interesting anymore. We know that certain guys are chosen specifically for certain dates to either keep around (so we can establish a connection earlier with the bachelor/ette), or eliminate to weed out the people with no chance. Whatever the case, Ed gets the first 1-on-1 date and Jillian picks him up in a helicopter, which has become an institution on this show. Outside of the dude on the new “90210″ who took Annie to San Francisco on their first date, there isn’t a chance in hell anyone reading this column has ever been on, or taken anyone on, a helicopter ride for a first date. So immediately, the gushing begins by both of them how exciting helicopter rides are. Jillian: “The last helicopter ride I was on was with Jason.” How’d that turn out for ya’? Good times? Develop any sorta connection? What’s he up to these days? Oh yeah, that’s right. Falling off the face of the earth without a rope.

-Jillian informs us she likes her new company. Jillian: “Today I’m gonna be with big, strong, bulky, hunky Ed.” Is she looking at the same person we are? Later on when they jumped in the pool he looked more short and dumpy than anything. Some people emailed me last week saying Ed reminded them of Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a way after I had said he’s a cross between Jeremy Piven and Robert Downey Jr. Well, considering Jeffery Dean Morgan looks like a cross between those two as well, let’s just say Ed is now a combination of all three: Ed Dean Piven Jr. Same difference. It’s all the same guy. Except while this Ed is trying to win over some quirky midget Canadian, Jeffrey Dean Morgan gets to bang Katherine Heigl sort of. I haven’t seen an episode of “Grey’s” since season 1, but I hear about what goes on. His ghost? Really? And that’s what chicks are into? Well, that and vampires apparently. If I see/hear/read about anything else related to “Twilight”, “New Moon”, or “Robert Pattinson’s ghostly white features”, it won’t be soon enough. No, I haven’t read a word of any of the books or seen the movie and I plan on keeping it that way. There are just some things in this world that will forever go unexplained. Freddie Prinze Jr. being cast on “24″ next season when his last meaningful acting gig had him an ascot and driving the “Mystery Machine”, and America’s obsession with vampires all the sudden.

-I thought the repelling down an LA building on the first date was actually pretty cool. But once I saw that they were repelling down at a speed equivalent to how long it takes me to drive from here to the moon, the date really lost its luster. Geez, could they have gone any slower? I understand neither of them are trained stuntmen, but that was a joke. I wonder if all those people helping them get roped in before they went down were all the script writers for the show? Which one was the guy who came up with last seasons brilliant idea of having Jason pretend he changed his mind? Congrats to him. He did well, as almost 18 million that watched the finale will prove. However, unless someone can pull something out of their ass this season, I don’t think we’re headed for much of a finale with fireworks. Host Chris did tweet yesterday that “Jillian is the happiest she’s been in a long time.” Yeah, probably because the season is finally done filming and she realizes what a bore the whole thing was. If it wasn’t for David the serial killer, I don’t know what we’d be talking about this season.

-After repelling down at the speed of not light, they ended up jumping into a pool and hanging out. Ed first wanted to tell her how special he felt. Ed: “I love that I popped your helicopter cherry.” Wow. How kinky. You are quite the wordsmith, Eddie Dean Piven Jr. Such a romantic the way you compared repelling down the side of building with the first time some Canuck forced himself on top of her in their igloo. Wait, she’s from Alberta, so what do we call those people besides rednecks? A lot of people email me and ask, “Why don’t they ever show them talking about important issues, like politics or religion? These conversations are so lame.” That’s true. They are. And they don’t ever show them talking about stuff like that because, frankly, I don’t think people want to hear that. I know I’d be bored by it. And considering this season is already boring as it is, I really could not care less what Jillian’s political views are or where she worships. I’m sure once she narrows it down she actually talks to the guys about it, but, they just choose not to air it, and rightfully so. Probably the only smart thing they do on this show.

-Jillian and Ed’s conversation in the pool? Jillian: “So after a crazy day at work, what do you do to unwind?” Ed’s answer was he’s really having a hard time balancing out his work life with his personal life. Translation: Ed doesn’t get out much and probably masturbates at an alarming rate to the point where he might be going blind. Hell, I don’t know. If he couldn’t answer that question, then their relationship is already in trouble. Here Ed, I’ll tell you what I do to unwind after a crazy day at work, then you can just use my answer free of charge. Oh wait, I don’t have crazy days at work since I work from home. Well, here’s what I do anyway. Sleep, eat, watch crappy reality shows, walk Maddie, and then eat a bowl of cereal before bed. See. Simple. To the point. I don’t think you need to come up with some grand answer that you expect to blow her socks off with. What do most people do after a crazy day of work? They come home and relax. What’d you expect him to say? Stupid question.

-Ed: “I didn’t know much about Jillian coming into this.” Probably a good thing, buddy. Don’t think you’re missing out on too much. I mean, we don’t even know much about her other than she’s Canadian, works in interior design, and probably owns a dogsled and eats whale blubber. Probably like hockey too since I think it’s the law you’re a hockey fan if you live in Canada. By the way, nice performance in the last Olympics. Oh Canada. How we love our neighbors to the north. So since he knew nothing about her coming in to this, Jillian puts him on the spot and tells him to ask her anything that he wants. Ed being such a creative mind, and remember, not knowing anything about her, decides to ask if he’s getting a rose tonight. Genius really. I can see these two are connecting on many different levels. All of which revolve around, ummmm, nothing that I can put my finger on. They made out in the pool, Ed is a workaholic, and he knows nothing about her. Seems like quite the pair these two make. Let’s send them to the altar now.

-The group date is up next where they will be going to a Western movie shoot. Great, another one of these. Look, it happened last season when Jason took the girls to the “General Hospital” set, and I didn’t think it could get worse than that. Well, it did last night. These horribly acted, cheesy scripted lines, and forced kissing is just dumb. It’s like a 5th grade play they’re putting on. Despite all of that going on, ABC could’ve at least saved themselves by having Michael and Tanner as the gay cowboys. It was right there in their hands for the taking, and they completely dropped the ball. Michael and Tanner could’ve had their moment to shine, they could’ve gotten the ball rolling on a “Brokeback Mountain” sequel, but no. They pair Michael with Mike in a gay cowboy scene and ruin everyone’s moment. Michael and Tanner could’ve been up for an Emmy this season if they would’ve just been paired together. Best Supporting Actors in a Horribly Scripted Reality Show with a Boring Lead.

-Just like how Jason got to essentially make out with every girl during his filming, Jillian did the same. Except her tongue stayed in her mouth. I don’t know why these guys were constantly talking about what great kisses these were when not once did anyone’s tongue come in view of the camera. As we learned last season, that’s apparently not allowed on television. Apparently that was ok with Brad since his kiss couldn’t have been more awkward if he tried. I guess he kisses everyone with his arms at his side and standing upright as a board. Yet apparently he thought his skills would bring Jillian to climax. Brad: “There’s bad ass, and super bad ass. I’m ultra bad ass.” I’d say more like ultra-douchey. That was embarrassing. And you were the one bitching last week she picked Wes over you for the dinner date? Please. Grow a pair. I have no idea what your relationship past is like, but I’m guessing it’s pretty non-existent. Go practice on your pillow or in the mirror. That should do the trick. If not, join Michael and Tanner in their quest for love with the same sex.

-So it seemed like Jillian kissed every guy there at least once and has now surpassed all records for most guys kissed. Yeah, this is the chick who was completely insulted in her conference call before the season started when asked if she slept with Jason on her overnight date, yet, she has kissed every single guy she’s had a 1-on-1 date with or had for some alone time. Maybe she’s not as innocent as she wants us to believe. She certainly has no qualms about letting guys check out her tonsils, so I’m sure she has no problems letting them check under the hood either. See, I can make assumptions like that because I’m a guy and, well, that’s what we do. Oh yeah, they didn’t show any scenes with her and Wes, but, he did pull her aside to tell her essentially that he was this seasons Graham. Didn’t Graham let DeAnna know that he wasn’t interested in tonguing her after it had been in six other guys mouths that day? Wes just left Jillian with a kiss on the cheek and foreshadowed we’d be hearing his completed redneck song some time later on. Oh boy. Can’t wait. I’ll be sure to set my recorder and download it to itunes. I don’t know how else to put it, but that song blows. And it’s getting way too much exposure. Hey, just like he planned it.

-I really hope they do away with these fake movie or TV shoots in future seasons. They are so not watchable. They’re not the least bit funny, no one can act, and we know the only reason they do it is so that the lead can kiss everyone on the date to create drama. So the Mike and Michael scene was supposed to make me laugh when all they did was steal lines from “Brokeback Mountain”? Really? Lame. Go back to doing other dates like, oh I don’t know, ones that involve hot tubs. So after shooting the worst Western movie ever made, it’s time for the wrap party at a hotel. Reid wants some alone time, which he gets, only to be asked about his ex’s by Jillian. Reid says he’s been in love 1.5 times in his life, which ironically, is 1.5 times more than Brad has with something other than his right hand. Reid is feelin’ it with Jillian, and just about as he’s gonna become her sloppy 10ths tonight, here comes gay Juan strolling in to compliment her on her style of dress or the way she’s parting her hair tonight.

-Gay Who-ahn is a beauty. Oh, he’s definitely gay all right. That’s confirmed after last nights performance. Why is this guy constantly going overboard with the compliments? If it’s not about her hair, it’s about her eyes. If it’s not her eyes, it’s how the moon glistening off the water makes her skin so radiant. Just a creepy, creepy guy. Then he laid this one on her. Who-ahn: “All I care about is what you think and what you care about.” I think Jillian actually feels really safe with Juan. Why? Probably because he has a vagina just like her. She doesn’t feel threatened at all by a chick who’s more feminine than her. These two could be the next Thelma and Louise and go on road trips together man bashing, tearing up the town, and having their cycles link up. And I would highly encourage them to drive off a cliff together as well. Seems Who-ahn has found his soulmate in Jillian. Now it’s time these two chicks start a life together.

-Of course, right after Juan and Jillian’s scene together, it’s imperative that ABC gives us a shot back at the house of David the Angry AA member talking more about how he’s gonna Juan’s ass for being fake. We get it David. You don’t like him. Crushing more vodka is making Dennis Rodman jealous. At this point, David is about .15 I’m guessing. Hell, he just called Jillian “Julien” before correcting himself. This is a sign of things to come. He is a complete mess and in full serial killer mode as we speak. The other thing we find out when they film the boys not on the group date, is that Sasha is getting the next 1-on-1. The card reads: “Sasha, can you handle my curves?” Ummm, what curves? I understand the play on words since their date was going to involve driving around LA in expensive cars, but, well, that’s the last phrase I’d use to describe her. Curvy? No. Fur trading lumberjack? Sure.

-To end the night, they all jumped in the jacuzzi. Robby took her away for some alone time and, shocker, she kissed him. Apparently all you need is a pulse for Jillian to kiss you. And wouldn’t you know it, when they’re back in the jacuzzi, Tanner P. is mauling her feet again. “I’m here to suck on some toes and I’m here to meet some Jillian.” Don’t forget you’re also here to make an ass of yourself on national television. I don’t know what to make of this guy. Sure, he’s creepy, but there’s no way that his act is real. He’s being put up to this and is strictly on this show because they want the comedic value he brings. No guy is that obsessed with womens feet. No way. And he’s going completely overboard with it every time they show him, which means he’s being told to embellish things, thus making it unfunny at this point. Whatever the case, Robby ends up getting the rose because apparently the other ten guys she kissed weren’t better than him. Then they all got to rewatch the awful Western movie they made earlier in the day. Please. Just burn that film right now. I highly doubt the AFI is gonna come looking for that piece of work. It’s hilarious how hypocritical it is of her to go off on some reporter for asking what she termed an “inappropriate” question regarding any relations she had with Jason, when she’s signing up to do the show herself and basically be forced to be sexual with tons of guys. What does she expect?

-Time for Sasha’s date and he’s pretty impressed with, well, himself. “I’m one of the more well rounded individuals here.” That’s still to be determined. Yet any guy who greets his first date by slapping two low-fives with her must be taken seriously. Did you catch how Sasha and Jillian slapped hands when she showed up, yet she hugged and got kisses from the other guys. Yeah, and this was Sasha’s date. No, totally couldn’t tell where this date was headed. Or wasn’t headed. These two are headed to an auto show museum. Wow! An auto show museum?!!!! That’ll be so much fun! They can walk around and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe because it said in the script, “Tonight Jillian sends Sasha home because we don’t have any plans for him” that he got stuck with the boring 1-on-1 date, but seriously, whoever planned that night out should be fired. Yes, apparently Jillian loves cars. And westerns. And country music. All things she is constantly telling us. Does she really love them or does she love them because that’s what’s being planned for her? Oh wait, she’s from Alberta. They apparently like all things redneck-y so I guess Jillian is in her element now.

-So these two take a Ferrari for a spin around L.A. and Jillian is getting all giddy every time Sasha steps on the gas. Sounded kinky, but it wasn’t. didn’t look like Sasha ever broke the speed limit considering they were on the side streets. Of course, all the fun came to a crashing halt when at dinner, Sasha recalls the time he was once crushed by a car. Yes, the common tale of the 18 year old driver, gets in an accident, and a car falls on his back and crushes his pelvis. He was in the hospital forever, almost paralyzed, but has made it out a better man, and now doesn’t take life for granted, lives one day at a time, yada yada yada. Good for him. Thanks for the uplifting story of the night. I’m sure that really got Jillian’s insides all squishy. How about you tell us how they fed you through tubes and you urinated in a bag while you’re at it? Look, I get he wanted to share his most life changing moment with her, but really? On the first date? Kinda depressing.

-Then of course from that, he jumps to “If I found the right person, I’d get married and have kids the next day.” A little too eager if you ask me. He tells Jillian he’s told three women in his life he’s loved them, but realizes now he was never in love and has never been heartbroken. Uhhhh, ok. He’s searching for that “mythical unicorn” and won’t settle for just anyone. He has certain expectations for himself and he plans to live up to it. Well, I guess that answers why he’s still single. Too picky. With a name like Sasha, your pickings are already slim. And wasn’t Jeremy the one who originally brought up “unicorns” during DeAnna’s season? I think he was. Why is Sasha stealing his thunder? Does Jeremy get residuals from this? I can honestly say that I’ve never personally referred to any female I was dating or was interested in as a “unicorn”. How cool would you be if you were a unicorn? I mean, you’re a horse, but you’ve got a spike sticking out of your head. In Brad’s world, that would make you an “ultra bad ass”. Unicorns don’t get enough love in this world. Oh wait, they’re fake? Really? Am I just losing my mind or did I actually think unicorns existed? Or do they? I’m completely confused. Here’s what I’m saying: Until I just wrote this, I was under the assumption unicorns existed. Then when I was writing I realized maybe they’re fake. And now I honestly don’t know. I’m a complete moron that I have no idea if unicorns are real. Rough weekend.

-Back to reality, or what he is pawned off on us as reality. So Sasha asks Jillian, “How do you think we connected?” Jillian: “You know what unicorn boy, you stay right there. Let me get the rose and answer that question.” Uh, oh. Kiss of death. Basically, Sasha gets shot down because Jillian feels he hasn’t gone through enough relationship wise to warrant a rose from her. He’s never been dumped nor has he really been in love. “I just don’t think I can meet your expectations.” Good one, Jill. Put it all on him so it makes you feel better. How about the real reason? “Uhhhh, you weren’t one of the pre-selected final four or five, so, I gotta send you home.” Funny that Jillian dumps Sasha for being a heartbreaker and worried about him never being dumped, yet, she’s keeping Kiptyn around who admittedly has never been dumped. Very fair.

-Jillian is crying as she sends Sasha away on public transportation. When did this trend start? Bad enough the guy just got embarrassed getting dumped by a 5 foot Canadian, you can’t even send a town car to come pick him up? Brutal. Jillian is now upset: “I just don’t like to hurt people.” Gee, then you kinda came on the wrong show sweetcakes. She also says this is the toughest decision she’s had to make. And you know what? Next week she’ll say the same thing. Followed by the next week, and then the next week. I highly doubt letting Sasha the unicorn go will be the most difficult thing you do this season. Please.

-Of course, when Jillian gets home, it’s time for Wes to finally release his long awaited debut single for her. Of course, this single only has one note and, from what we’ve seen, about two lines to it. It took him that long to write this song, yet, all we hear are the same two lines over and over again. What a horrible song writer. At least he can have a job next year writing the “American Idol” finale song. And if this song is so important to him and needs to be played for Jillian, why does he keep starting over? Finish the damn song. Jillian invited him upstairs so he could sing to her in person or something. Or because she was told to. One or the other. I think it’s very clear at this point three episodes in why Wes is on this show. Jillian actually did an interview yesterday with TVGuide.com and was asked if she thought Wes was on the show to promote his music career. Here’s what she said:

“Will Wes’ career benefit from this? I think absolutely. Did he come on the show just for his career? Maybe. I think he’s there for the right reasons but I think he’s got some other things to figure out.”

Yeah, so in case you didn’t know, Wes isn’t the final one. Hate to ruin anything for you, but hey, couldn’t help it. The fact that Jillian even answered the way she did was somewhat surprising. Basically she admits that he’s not the final one which is probably something she’s not allowed to do. And she didn’t even shoot down possible rumors that he’s there to promote his career. Also in the same interview, she was asked, “Now the guy that you ultimately picked, have we seen him show us something special yet?” Here was her response:

“I think so, but, ummmm, I think that everyone has their own opinion of who that last guy is right now. But no, ummmm, I would say I’d wait a few more episodes maybe.”

Well it sounds to me like whoever she’s picked really hasn’t been featured that much at this point, and knowing who the final four or five is, I think I can narrow it down to who she’s talking about. Shouldn’t be too hard.

-Final cocktail hour and this is where things get a little crazy. Reid is up first with Jillian and asks her why he didn’t get a rose last night. Of course, she danced around the question and basically ended it with, “Well, if I had two roses to give, you would’ve gotten the second one.” Uh huh. Sure he would’ve. Way to let the guy down easy. Reid is really starting to remind me of someone and I can’t place my finger on it. Man, it’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t quite figure it out. Dammit. I’m sure I’ll remember at 3:00 in the morning on a Wednesday for no reason. Usually the way it happens with me. That along with crazy ass dreams about people I haven’t seen in years. And since Facebook has come along, my dreams have had tons of high school people show up in them for no reason other than I added them, or they added me, as a friend that day. Totally bizarre how that works. I haven’t thought about that person since the day I graduated, now they’re showing up in my dreams. I wonder what that means? I swear, my dreams about high school outweigh dreams on any other topic by about a 10-to-1 margin. It’s not even close. Well, there’s one other dream subject I get quite frequently. I just figured that was a given.

-Time for Mount David to begin eruption. Let’s make one thing clear at this point: David has been drunk in every scene so far this episode. I mean, REALLY drunk. You can tell by his speech, his tone, and the fact that it’s been taking him about ten seconds to complete a blink. Never a good sign. So Jillian pulls him aside and David isn’t too thrilled with the fact he got the first impression rose yet has only been on one group date. AA David: “I’m kind of used to being the top dog.” Why not just tell her you have many leather bound books and your apartment smells of rich mahogany? At least David isn’t struggling in the self-esteem department. Wow. Nice line. I’m sure you’re a delight with the ladies. He claims he got five minutes with her before Juan steps in to interrupt. Once again, yet another thing that was completely staged. The producers knew David was drunk, knew he wanted time with Jillian, and knew he hated Juan. Without a doubt, 100%, Juan was told to interrupt those two just so they could get more footage of Mount David reaching his boiling point.

-Gay Who-ahn is back at it with his book of compliments. “I’ve seen you in plenty of different outfits and I’ve never seen you look bad.” Then he says something in Spanish to her which translates to “I think you’re marvelous.” Marvelous? When was the last time anyone described anything as marvelous, let alone a woman? Mr. Sensitive here is a complete tool who is trying waaaaaay too hard. “I think you’re marvelous?” Really? I can’t imagine that would work on any woman under the age of 60. Juan and Jillian really need to escape the madness of the mansion, put scarfs over their hair, take off in a beat up ol mustang, and let the good times roll. I think regardless of if Jillian finds love on this show or not, she has a new girlfriend this season in Who-ahn, the marvelous gay sidekick they cast just for this season.

-So we go from creepy to creepier when Tanner steps up to the plate next. This guy is a complete basket case. “I want to make a connection with her feet. She has beautiful feet. I wanna kiss em’, touch em’, suck em’, rub em’, feel em’, tweeze em’, I’m that in love with them.” I thought he said “squeeze em’”, but nope, I went back just to make sure and he said “tweeze em’”. Ok, pal. Have fun doing that. The fact that this guy has spent such an inordinate amount of time obsessed with Jillians feet, makes me think he’s either gay, or being paid handsomely to do this. And the worst part? Jillian says later that the more time she spends with Tanner, the more COMFORTABLE she feels with him. Huh? I figured by now she’d be filing restraining orders against the guy. Is it possible to tell someone they need to stay 100 yards away from your feet at all times? And this guy Tanner lives here in Dallas? I gotta find out his story. What a circus clown he’s turned himself into this season. You could do a whole clip show just based off his foot fetish comments. It’s way overdone and so over-the-top at this point, I can’t possibly take him seriously. Yet, apparently Jillian can and loves the attention she’s getting. Well, her feet at least. I can’t think of one meaningful dialogue these two have had.

-But the story of the final cocktail hour was obviously the battle of David vs Juan. The Ego vs Thelma. AA meets Hair Styling school. David has a group of guys around him, and in his most inebriated state, asks the other guys if they think Juan is here for the right reasons. When they say no, he then berates them for not telling Jillian that. Huh? David has completely lost it. I don’t even know what kind of argument he’s trying to make. I guess that’s what happens when you’re drunk. You don’t make sense. Juan steps outside because he hears David talking about them. Uhhh, not a good idea. David: “Juan, go back inside. We’re talking about you.” So the pansy turns around and goes back inside. Then comes out seconds later to confront David. Oh boy. You don’t want to do this young man. He doesn’t know what David’s problem is, and after David babbles on about how he doesn’t like him, thinks he’s fake, knows he didn’t drink his shot last week, he leaves him with these parting words never to be forgotten in “Bachelor/ette” history: “Stop bein’ a cheese ass.” Personally, I would’ve gone with cheesedick, but hey, who am I to argue with Mount David? He’d blow about a .42 at this point, so hide the women and sharp objects before a homicide occurs. I mean jeez David. Get some alcohol in you already. You are a going 120 mph in a school zone right about now. I am just waiting, and praying, that we get the most famous drunk line ever out of David’s mouth at some point this season. The one line that every drunk bully says in every fight/confrontation/bitch slap he’s ever been in. “You think you’re better than me?” You know it’s coming.

-Rose Ceremony time. Thank God. David is about to wet himself just over the site of Juan. Jillian: “Tonight is tough. The more I speak to each of you, I realize that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. You bring out the best in me. Juan, you’re the best sister anyone can ever have. David, I think a 12 step process should’ve started, like, yesterday.”

Jake: I don’t think we got one word from the guy this episode.
Reid: Quietly under the radar at this point.
Mark: I have no idea who this guy is. And why would we when it’s the David/Juan show every week.
Jesse: He can join Mark in the Bachelors Anonymous club.
Tanner P. Either the best actor this show has cast, or a complete lunatic. Still deciding.
Wes: Someone should take that guitar and smash it over his head like the Honky Tonk Man used to do back in the day.
Juan: There is nothing stronger than the friendship bond of two women.
Michael: After breakdancing the first night, he’s disappeared. Probably a good thing.
Kiptyn: The heartbreaker lasts another week. And another. And another. And another.
Mkie: Speedo last week. Supporting role this week.

“Gentleman, Jillian. This is the final rose tonight. If she doesn’t give this David, everyone immediately run under a door or jump in the tub. We’re expecting an earthquake of epic proportions.”

David: The guy seriously could barely stand up when receiving his rose. The alcohol on his breath wilted the rose before he even got back to where he was standing.

-So Tanner and Brad are the two that are leaving us tonight. Tanner, apparently you can’t get by on name alone. You need to develop a psychotic foot fetish for Jillian to pay attention to you. Tanner: “I hope she doesn’t make the same mistake Jason made.” Don’t worry. I’m sure she will. That’s what this show is for. To help someone pick the wrong person. As for Brad, he was completely broken up about the whole thing. When you love someone more than they love you, it’s tough.” Huh? You loved her? Brad, go get some help. “I’ll just go back to being a drifter. I don’t think anyone can relate to me.” The final shot we see of Brad is of him slitting his wrists. Good riddance.

So that’s all for this week. The merchandise store is a work in progress. I’ve put in a couple orders and it’s worked for me, so, it shouldn’t be too much trouble. Very easy to navigate and order. I would love all your feedback on what you think of the products, anything else you’d like to see, and whatever else you can think of. We are open to suggestions since this is a new venture for us. As I said, we’re extremely happy with our product, we hope you like it, and we want to give you the readers the best possible service for all your loyalty. So please, any questions regarding the stuff, email me steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

-Let’s first get started with where its stands regarding the RealitySteve.com merchandise store. I was going to launch it today, but not everything is set to go. I would’ve launched it tomorrow or Thursday, but then remembered I’m going to be in California this weekend for my birthday and won’t really be around a computer much. So I’m gonna hold off until next Tuesday when everything will be ready to go. I’m liking the products we have and I hope you do too. It’s just this week is a short week, everyone is just getting back to work today, I leave Thursday morning, and it would’ve been too much of a scramble. I’m sure you can all wait another week. And yes, the big #34 is this Sunday. I’ve now moved into the category where I’m referred to as someone in his “mid 30’s”. Oh boy. That’s a big step. Saturday night is going to be wild. Looks like Spiderman will be making another appearance I’m sure. And if you haven’t guessed what Spiderman is yet, don’t worry about it. Just know I will be him again on Saturday night. I’m good for it.

-It seems that I’ve drawn the ire of Canadians this season with a comment I made last week. I find that hilarious. Mostly because I essentially made the same exact jokes about Canadians last season when Jillian was on the show, and no one seemed to care. Now I’m insulting their country, I’m insensitive, and my comments are way out of line. And? Tell me something I don’t know. I’ve been doing this for 7 years now and I’ve said from the beginning, my column isn’t for everyone. I’ve accepted the fact that no matter what I do and what I write, I will always end up pissing off somebody. I get that. It’s just what I’ve never understood is, people taking the time to berate someone in an email if they didn’t like something they wrote. You know what I do with people whose writings I don’t care for, or who offend me, or who say inappropriate things? I ignore them. Writing them an email and telling them how much they suck is pretty much the last thing I would do. Like anything I say is gonna change the way they write. If anything, it eggs them on. Sure does to me. The more nasty emails from Canadians I get it, the more Mountie and Rolling Rock jokes I plan on making. Keep it coming. Let’s lighten up people. You’re not reading this column to find a cure for cancer. It’s entertainment. I generalize, I stereotype, I make fun of how people look on the show. It’s what I do. Sorry if you don’t like it, but its not changing anytime soon.

-Lastly, “Reality Roundup” will actually be appearing Thursday this week instead of Friday. Yes, I could’ve chosen not to write anything since I’ll be out of town Friday, but since there isn’t much to be writing on now with all the big shows ending last week, I figured I could get a column in. Definitely will have a few things to say about our “RW: Cancun” cast that was announced last week. Along with some thoughts on the “Hills”, “The Duel 2″, “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”, and “Jon and Kate Plus Eight”. So check that out come Thursday. Ok, on to last nights show.

-We start out with Jillian telling us something we already know. Jillian: “I’m not a 5′5″, skinny, blonde, big boobed model. I’m just a quirky, brown haired Canadian looking for love.” Trust us Jillian, nobody has mistaken you for a model. Or big boobed for that matter. We are well aware of your features. I was surprised she didn’t tell us that she’s no hoser whose favorite movie is “Strange Brew”. Jillian understands her place in “Bachelorette” history. She can’t baby talk like Trista. She can’t be as vanilla as Meredith. She can’t be as disinterested in being on the show as Jen. And she can’t possibly be as phony and out-for-fame as DeAnna was. So hey, maybe it’ll work out with her and someone. Or not. I’m not getting my hopes up. Jillian, I hope this experience changed your life. I hope you found the one guy that you can love for the next 3 months before breaking up. And I hope you can turn this negative into a positive. Best of luck. We’re all pullin’ for ya’.

-Host Chris comes to visit the guys in his pimp black and white striped shirt. I think he stole that from any of the 20 guys suitcases considering they all dress the same. He informs them there will be 2 group dates, and a 1-on-1 date, but that not everybody will be going on dates today. This is always tense for the guys. The optimist says, “Well, if I don’t get to go on ANY of the dates today, then I must be safe and she feels she doesn’t need to get to know me.” The pessimist would say, “Oh sh**, I’m screwed. She doesn’t want to spend any time with me.” I think you should probably be a pessimist if you get left out of these dates, and I haven’t done the research, but I’m guessing there hasn’t been a single guy that got to at least the final four who got left out of one of the early dates. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. I’m sure some “Bachelor/ette” historian will look that up for me.

-On the group date is Michael, Brian, Sasha, Tanner the foot freak, Wes, Ed, Mathue, and Brad. It started out as an innocent little pool party where 7 of the 8 guys flexed their abs as Brad wore a collared shirt. Very nice. You didn’t really stick out like a sore thumb at all. Michael decided to pull Jillian aside and take her upstairs first to fawn all over her. Told her she smelled unbelievable, and was about to reel off a few more compliments before Jillian got up, walked downstairs, grabbed the rose up for grabs, and took off in a car. Ooooohhhh scandalous! What happens now? Where did our Bachelorette go? Host Chris knows and he’s here to save the day in his striped hoodie sweatshirt from the GAP. “Guys, Jillian has got the rose and you need to go find her. Your clues are waiting out front. Go!” Basically, the guys got paired up in two’s, got in a car, and had to follow directions on where to find her. All a big lame scavenger hunt. And even though they are paired in twos, once they finally reach Jillian, she’ll make a determination based on, well nothing, to see who gets to have dinner with her with the other seven guys have a circle jerk.

-I think we’ll all agree, the best part about the scavenger hunt was the duo of Tanner and Michael, or as I like to call them, Heath and Jake. My god, could those two have been any more excited to be paired together? I was half expecting them to forget the scavenger hunt, veer off into the Hollywood Hills together, rent some horses, and make passionate love all night long in a tent. They definitely lost some man points during that car trip. The screaming, Michael peeing on himself due to the excitement. What an odd duo. I can’t believe they were that excited to be in a car together to look for Jillian. I wonder how much studying of Michael’s feet that Tanner did. Did they not show us the foot massage he gave him? Did he give Michael a pedicure? What’s their relationship status now? Has anyone checked their Facebook pages? Maybe they’ve formed a bond far beyond what this show let us believe and they are currently feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries curled up on the couch in the spooning position. I hope they both get eliminated on the same night because one of them will be pissed the other isn’t around.

-Jillian is already at her destination waiting to see which two guys show up first to meet her. She is giddy with excitement. “I can’t believe eight guys are frantically racing around Los Angeles looking for me.” Ummmm, Jillian, it’s because that’s what they were told to do. Once again, yet another “Bachelor/ette” who thinks that because ABC plans the dates in advance and tells them where they’ll be going and what they’ll be doing, that they fall into this sense of entitlement. Let me tell ya’ something Canuck, if you weren’t on a show where the whole object is for guys to compete for your affection, then you wouldn’t be in LA right now on a group date where guys are on a scavenger hunt to find you. I’m pretty sure of that. I mean, you’re a nice girl and all. And you’re cute in your own little quirky way, but I’m immensely bored with what you have to offer right now, and if half these guys weren’t recruited to be on this show or using it to further their career, they wouldn’t even be there. But I like how you’re already sucked in to the whole thing and think 30 guys REALLY want you. Cool. You keep thinkin’ that. Keeps me laughing.

-So the dynamic duo of Wes and Brad are the ones who arrive to meet Jillian first and I’m really scratching my head to see who she’ll decide to have dinner with. Such a tough pick. Shocker, she goes with Wes. And basically doesn’t even give Brad a reason why. Brad, here’s the reason: The producers told her to. Get used to it. Wes is the country music singer on the show to promote his album, and his hair constantly looks like he just got out of bed. Jillian sees Wes as kinda the bad boy, something she admits to usually being attracted to. So her question is, “Am I his type?” Probably not. But hey, if he peddles a few extra CD sales out of it, you can be his type for the time being. Wes admits to having three serious girlfriends his whole life and is definitely a relationship guy. Jillian questions that since his lifestyle is basically set up to where he has a bunch of women fawning all over him being a musician and all. Of course, Wes says “No, no, no, that’s not me at all.” Then again, would he actually admit to groupie sex? I highly doubt it. Wes is the front runner right now as he gets the first kiss with Jillian. She doesn’t hide the fact she’s attracted to him and he doesn’t hide the fact that he wants to finish that song he started last week for her. Because, you know, maybe some radio executives are watching and want to sign him to their label.

-The lucky chap for the 1-on-1 date is Jake, the pilot from Denton, Texas. Jillian comes over in a black dress wearing the wings that Jake gave her the first night. She also has on red f-me boots. So her and Jake are headed to the “House of Blues” for the night. But first, he must dress the part for the evening, which means, he must now become a total redneck. Being from Denton, that won’t be much of a problem for him. But instead of dressing like every other guy in the house would, he needs to try on a cowboy shirt with embroidery in it, wear some tight Wranglers, and look the part. Jillian of course enjoys every minute of watching him go in and out of the dressing room, and I’m not convinced isn’t secretly having him dress this way for that reason. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Jake is loving every second of this too, but she seems to really be taking a liking to this. Silly kids. Why doesn’t she just chase him around the schoolyard then tell him she doesn’t like him?

-Once they get to “House of Blues”, we find out that Jake apparently has never watched this show before. Why? Because he was “shocked that we had the entire venue to ourselves. I thought there’d be a line with like 800 people for us to get in.” Don’t they give these guys a refresher course of what they’re getting into before coming on this show? Maybe give them some past DVD’s to freshen up on what their experience will be like once they agree to sign their life over to ABC? Really Jake? You’re really surprised that the whole place is rented out for you when they’ve basically done this, oh I don’t know, for about the last 16 seasons? You see, that’s what they do on this show, Jake. They put you in complete unrealistic dates that would never happen in real life, then when both people get so caught up in the fantasy land they’re in and try to convince themselves they’re actually falling for each other when in reality they’re falling for the experience, they rip the rug out from under you and put you back in the real world and you realize, “Hey, maybe so-and-so isn’t that romantic when the dates aren’t already planned out and paid for?” Oh, this show will getcha’ every time, Jake. Go ahead. Keep gushing over Jillian and how this is the best date you’ve been on. Of course it is. Something tells me your dates in Denton haven’t been where you could rent out a place to yourself and have someone perform solo for you.

-Of course, that’s not stopping these two from convincing themselves that each of them are the one for each other. Especially Jillian. “There’s definitely a spark here, which could turn into a flame, which could turn into love, and that could turn into marriage.” Yikes. Jillian is really putting the cart before the horse here. If that wasn’t bad enough, check out what she has next in store for us. “I know exactly that Jake could take care of me, and that’s what I’m looking for.” Hmmmmm, you’ve spent a whole couple hours with this guy so far and you already know that this is someone you could be with the rest of your life? Uh huh. This is gonna work out well. At least hold off on saying stuff like that until, you know, like a hometown date or something. You have no idea what this guys life is like. You may not even like Denton. Or who knows? Maybe he’s got a girlfriend back home and you realize this just in time for the hometown dates and he never gets one? Crazier things have happened on this show.

-So these two sit down to have dinner and start talking about the future. Jake tells asks her the really important stuff like, “What do you want out of all this?” Jillian responds, “To find my best friend.” To which Jake said, “I was hoping she’d say that. That’s exactly what I’m looking for.” Well aren’t you two a couple of peas in a pod? Why don’t we just cancel the show at this point and start the engagement party? They are giving these two an awful lot of lovey dovey camera time for us not to see something going horribly wrong in their future. Jake the pilot even puts in her head that, if she so happened to pick him, imagine having a date where he sends for a car to pick her up at work on Friday, bring her to the airport, and he takes her away for the weekend to another country. Wow. Pretty ambitious. And I’m guessing will never happen either. Promises, promises. Just admit it, Jake. You’re playing it up for the cameras now. Your dates will consist of dinner at the Black Eyed Pea, then to some dive bar in Denton to check out the local band playing that night. Of course, Jillian thinks that’s the most amazing date yet, and since they’re both such spontaneous people, that would totally fit her lifestyle. Hmmmmm, this isn’t going to end well for Jake.

-And oh yeah, Martina McBride performed live for both of them. They danced, they kissed, they danced some more, they laughed, they flirted, and they kissed. Pretty much how every 1-on-1 date that’s been at a concert rented out for the two contestants has gone. Jake shows us again his lack of “Bachelorette” knowledge when he realizes the concert is just being performed for the two of them. You know, for a pilot, he sure is a dumbass. I hope he’s not flying me out of DFW Thursday morning. If he is, I’m sure I’ll be all up in the cockpit asking him questions about Jillian and why it didn’t work out. You know what’s funny? Back in the day when I was a kid and the “Airplane” movies were a couple of my all time favorites, I actually thought the cockpit of an airplane was actually that big. A lot of room to maneuver, you could stand up and walk around, and that even someone like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar could be the co-pilot. That was all shot to hell the first time I flew and actually saw the inside of a cockpit. Holy crap. Ever looked in there? How the hell do they even breathe, let alone stand up in there? Seems awfully cramped space to be in for my 3 hour flight to California. I feel bad for Mr. Pilot. Is there really such thing as an auto pilot? How the hell does a pilot know where he’s going when he’s in the air and there aren’t any off ramps? What even makes a plane fly? I could go on for hours questioning air travel. I’ve always been fascinated by it.

-The next group date was one of my all-time favorites. Seven guys (Jesse, Mark, David, Mike, Simon, Kiptyn, and Juan) will be headed to Venice Beach to play some basketball with Jillian. It’s always interesting to see which guys actually have an athletic bone in their body and which ones end up being complete tards the minute the game starts. Immediately, Juan makes the first impression on me. Not because of his basketball skills or anything. But because he decided to wear his dove shorts to play in. What the hell was that? Your basketball shorts shouldn’t be 12 inches above your knee buddy. David was the guy who thought he was an All-American and you could tell was showing off. I’m not sure how much game he had, but he did look better than the rest of the clowns out there. Although, that’s like winning first place in the best looking pig contest. Of course, Jillian can’t play a lick so the guys all try and help her out. One of the guys is even dumb enough to yell out, “Double team her!” Whoa. That’s not til later in the season, buddy. You really think you should be looking to get a threesome before the second rose ceremony? That’s a bit of wishful thinking, no?

-So after all that dilly dallying around, Jillian says its time for them to play a real game. She’ll be right back, she’s gotta go get her team. She walks off and comes back with five black guys. My first thought? “Who says this show isn’t racially diverse?” There you go. Five large, hulking black men all vying for Jillian’s attention. Woops. No, they didn’t add yet another 5 guys to the show. It’s the Harlem Globetrotters! Fantastic! Now this will get interesting since nothing gets the party started more than a bunch of guys doing tricks with the basketball. How about the ol’ bucket of confetti trick? Hilarious. Knee slappers I tell ya’. If you’re over the age of five, and you find the Harlem Globetrotters entertaining, then you’ve got a problem. But after thinking this over, it all made perfect sense. I asked myself why in the world ABC would decide to put these guys on the show, until it finally hit me. The Harlem Globetrotters games are all fixed and scripted, just like this show. See, I knew there was a good reason for their appearance. Never thought they’d have so much in common.

-So once the Globetrotters showed up, David definitely had to show off even more and bring his “A” game. Of course, that consisted of him airballing his first shot by about five feet. Nice one. Our first hilarious laugh from the Globetrotters? Pick Jillian up to have her dunk then leave her up on the rim until Juan comes underneath her, mini-shorts and all, and helps her down. Awwwww, how cute. Too bad it’s the only girl-on-girl action we’ll get all season. If that didn’t endear Juan to other guys in the house, his act later certainly will. Time to head down to the beach to take a look at the sunset. One of the guys we’ve barely heard from this season, Mike, decides he needs to make himself stand out. And by that I mean, the producers told him, “Hey, do something to make yourself stand out.” And Mike, figuring there may be a final four spot waiting in the wings for him if he agrees, decides to bum a speedo off some guy at the beach, and run into the water. Jillian is totally impressed by this. She apparently thinks this is the funniest thing anyone has ever done. So Mike sporting a banana hammock and running into the ocean pretty much endears himself to Jillian. She now knows exactly who Mike is and wants to know a little bit more about him and his speedo. Or what’s underneath it.

-All the guys get dressed up and head to the Viceroy hotel for drinks and alone time with Jillian. To start off the night, everyone takes a shot. Well, except for Juan. David notices Juan had poured out his shot, then used his hand to cover up the glass while taking it to pretend to fit in with the rest of these guys. That didn’t sit too well with David, especially when right afterwards, Jillian pulled Juan aside for some alone time. David is roid raging right now. David: “There’s no reason we shouldn’t tie him up to a tree and beat the f**k out of him.” Wow. Really? Granted, what he did was a pretty chick thing to do, but now you want to pummel the guy? David is a very angry individual. Remember last week when they said in the upcoming previews for the season that something happens this season which has never happened before? I know what it is. David kills another person. And it’s probably Juan. Whatever the case, while he’s still alive, Juan gets some 1-on-1 time with Jillian so he can tell her how green her eyes looked earlier when the sun was setting. Wow. He’s really laying it on thick now. Maybe David’s right. Someone should beat the f**k out of this chick. Whatever the case, Jillian likes him enough to kiss him.

-Next, Jillian pulls Kiptyn aside for some alone time. He procees to tell her he’s never had his heartbroken in his life. He’s always been the heartbreaker. Like Jillian cares. The only reason she pulled him aside was so that she could kiss him. I got your heartbreaker right here. Gimmie those lips you manly man, you. For the record, we’ve seen Jillian alone with four guys now (Wes, Jake, Juan, and Kiptyn), and she’s made out with all of them. Granted, I’m sure she’s had alone time with other guys as well that we weren’t shown, but from what they’ve decided to show us, she’s 4-for-4 in presenting her tongue to another guys mouth. Jillian: “I hope you stick around for a while.” Huh? Isn’t that your decision? I didn’t realize he was the one who presenting roses. Jillian is apparently confused about this whole process now. No, you see Jillian, you’re the one who decides if Kiptyn sticks around for a while. Well, you and the producers.

-At the end of their long day, Jillian decides that Mike will get the rose and be safe at the rose ceremony. This pleases David for the sole reason that the guy he has a hard-on for, Juan, didn’t get the rose. And Mike got it because, well, he did nothing other than jump into the ocean in a speedo. That Jillian seems pretty damn easy to please. According to her, when Mike jumped into the ocean in the banana hammock, “That was wicked.” Whatever you say, Jill. Wicked? Haven’t said that since 8th grade. Must be a Canadian thing, eh? Just waiting for the moment she calls someone a hoser. Then that’ll put the finishing touches on our worst “Bachelorette” season yet. So far, her and Meredith are in a dead heat to finish first in that category.

-Time for the final cocktail hour where desperation runs wild, and David begins stalking his prey, the chick that is Juanita. First up, Tanner needs to tell us more about his foot fetish. He shares some alone time with one of the other dudes, and gets Jillians feet all to himself. I wonder if they paid him extra to do this? So of course he tells her how great her feet are and she asks which guy in the house has the worst. “Sasha. They’re hairy.” Outstanding. What about your lover Michael’s feet? Whose are better? I bet if pressed for an answer on that one, Tanner might not be able to be completely honest with her. Things are real for he and Michael right now. Things are getting more serious by the day. He certainly doesn’t need Jillian in the picture to complicate matters. Let’s just hope Jillian puts both of these two out of their misery sooner rather than later. You wouldn’t want to break up such a solid foundation between those two.

-Time for Jesse (who?) to get some alone time. I don’t think I’ve even seen this guy all show, but apparently Jillian has been dying to get to know him. Whatever. I think she’s gotta say that at this point to not make the guy feel bad. Jesse tells her that before coming on the show, he was given an opportunity to go live in Italy for a few months and do some business involving wine. Hell if I know. I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, the thing that caught my attention was him telling her he had a choice of either living in Italy, or coming on the “Bachelorette”. And naturally, he chose coming on the “Bachelorette” like any normal, sane individual would. So it’s official, Jesse is an idiot. Did this guy really turn down a business opportunity overseas just because he heard Jillian was the “Bachelorette”? He’s kidding, right? This is just one of those moments where he has little time to impress so he’ll just throw that out there in hopes that she’ll actually believe him? Wow Jesse. Quite a sacrifice you made. Kind of on par with Lauren Conrad deciding to pass up an internship in Paris so she could spend the summer with the racist homophobe Jason Wahler. Except your decision is worse. I’m sure you’ll feel that much better about it too when you don’t even get a hometown date.

-Wes is still making noise in the house because even though he has a rose (oh yeah, forgot to mention he and Jake both received roses on their dates so they’re safe for the night. Shocker), he still wants some alone time, and some of the guys aren’t too happy about it. Hey, isn’t that what Jeremy did with DeAnna which in turn made Ron call him classless? Can’t remember. Whatever the case, I guess Wes is this seasons Jeremy. Which is ironic considering Wes and Jeremy grew up together. One of the guys whose game Wes is stepping on is Robby the bartender. He’s mixing up one of his classic “Rozmos” to bring to Jillian. And just as he’s about to spill his guts to her, Wes walks in and steals her away for some alone time. You don’t do that to the Robster. He is none too happy with Wes right now. This means war for Robby. Immediately he starts in with the “Wes isn’t here for the right reasons” complaint. Something tells me this will be a recurring theme throughout the season. Bed Head Wes will have to do an awful lot of convincing that he’s not there to pass out free CD’s and get some serious camera time.

-Host Chris comes out to tell us that, no, it’s not time for Jillian to make her decision, but that all the guys will be voting on which guy they’d like to see go home. David’s eyes bug out of his head even more than they already do. I’m surprised he even wrote down who he wanted to leave. I figured he’d just scream it at the top of his lungs. The funniest part about Host Chris announcing this to the guys? While he’s doing it, there’s a shot of Tanner and Michael on the couch and Tanner has his arm around him. You think our next “Bachelor” wedding will be Jason and Molly? Try again. It’s these two. Jillians quest for love is becoming less and less interesting and is completely taking a backseat to the bromance going on between Tanner and Michael. I really hope these two make it. In fact, I hope you don’t mind me covering their relationship the rest of the season. Or at least until they’re eliminated.

-So all the guys vote, and Host Chris informs us that Juan has received the most votes. Of course, Host Chris needs to show us how fluent he is in Spanish by pronouncing it “Who-ahn”. Thank you, Chris. Thank you for bringing me back to sophomore year high school Spanish class. How many stories in high school Spanish revolved around a kid named Juan? All of them? I didn’t even know there was another Spanish name until I graduated. Juan liked the library. Juan has two sisters. Juan goes to the airport. Juan sure played a key role in my high school Spanish knowledge. All of which I’ve forgotten now. So with Who-ahn getting the most votes, Jillian has the option to save him, or let him leave the mansion now in shame. So to piss David off and ensure there will be a murder this season on “Bachelorette”, Jillian decides to use her judges save on Matt Giraud, AKA Juan. To this, David dropped a few f-bombs to the camera. David seems like a real stable guy who keeps his emotions in check. I see big things in his future. Like a 300 lb cell mate.

-I must obviously talk about Brian the d-bag who decided that he needed to do SOMETHING to grab Jillians attention. So he decided to strip for her, to complete nudity, then jump in the pool. I don’t know what says, “Hey, look at me and my small dingus” more than that, but Brian accomplished it. The one dude from DeAnna’s season, Paul, did that on the first night but at least he went with the speedo. Really? Stripping down completely naked in front of someone you’ve known for three days is supposed to impress her? Something tells me after Brian returns home to the world on internet dating, his profile pic is of him shirtless. And he’s probably one of the weirdos that sends pictures of his junk after a chick responds to him. Brian, just be thankful that “To Catch a Predator” has been taken off the air. Something tells me you would’ve made quite a showing for yourself on that someday.

-Rose ceremony time. Jillian has lots to say. “I had an incredible week. These were amazing dates. Glad you all opened up. I’m incredibly lucky. You’re incredibly good looking. I’m the one Bachelorette who’s been blessed with the best bunch of smart, charismatic guys. And just because I haven’t said this word enough, you’re all incredibly incredible. Kudos to the casting department for recruiting all of you.”

-Wes, Jake, Mike, and Juanita are safe from earlier. The others getting roses are:

Jesse: Italy awaits you, pal.
David: A trial awaits you.
Ed: In case you haven’t noticed, Ed looks exactly like a cross between Robert Downey Jr and Jeremy Piven.
Sasha: You have ugly feet, my friend. Tanner will always hate you.
Mark: I have no idea who this guy is, which means he’s gotten no camera time, which means he’s going home soon.
Michael: Like he cares he got a rose.
Tanner the foot freak: Now Michael is happy. How cute that Jillian called their names back-to-back.
Kiptyn: The heart breaker is going to be around for a while now.
Reid: We haven’t seen much of him. But we will.
Robby: Apparently that Rozmo worked. He must’ve laced it with GHB.
Tanner F.: Another guy we have barely seen any of.
“Gentleman, Jillian, it’s the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. David is about ready to spear Juanita from across the room, so you better make this quick.”

Brad: So he loses out on the solo date to Wes, but somehow managed to get a rose out of it.

-So Julien, Mathue, Simon, and Brian didn’t get roses. We didn’t know much about any of them, so it wasn’t really sad to see them go. Well, except Brian, who blamed the weather on the fact that he was “hung like a lightswitch, so that probably didn’t help matters.” Thank you Brian for that visual. Now go comb the high schools for your next victim you creep. I would hope that Mathue would use this experience to see that his name is spelled incorrectly and he needs to fix it. As for Simon, he was the Agnese of this season. The European contestant who completely didn’t fit in. Except Agnese got to the final four, and Simon is going home in Week 2. That’s ok. Gives him more time to hang out in pubs, sing songs, and star fights while watching Liverpool play soccer.

That’s it for this week. I’ll see you Thursday for your next “Reality Roundup”. All your feedback is welcome either in the comments section or email me at steve@realitysteve.com. Don’t forget to join me on Twitter at “RealitySteve” (check out yesterday’s brilliance on the Spelling Bee), you can join the “I Love Reality Steve” Facebook group, or, you can just add me as a friend on Facebook. You can do it all by scrolling down the right hand column. See you Thursday.

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