So not only does Chris Harrison seem to have a hard on for me, constantly referring to things I write in his blog, but now Jason Mesnick has jumped aboard that train. Jason was in studio on a Seattle radio station this morning promoting some Fathers Day event this weekend, and took the time to call me out during the interview. Very kind words he uses too. I believe he calls me a “miserable person”, a “storyteller”, and “full of BS”, among other things. Sweet. Glad I’ve made such an impression on him. Of course, he doesn’t mention me by name, but its rather obvious who he’s speaking about. I have the audio clip and will post it later tonight or tomorrow, along with my thoughts on the whole thing.

The funny thing is, I really haven’t mentioned Jason Mesnicks name since March 9th, that was the last post I made filed under “The Bachelor 13 – Jason” according to my archives. Have I referenced what happened during his season while writing about Jillian this year? Of course. But actually calling the guy out for anything he’s said or done? Not in three months. I’m just shocked at the fascincation he has with me. I mean, he’s JASON MESNICK, former Bachelor. Why is some nobody like myself still on his mind? I don’t get it. It’s done, it’s over with. Move on. You’re happy with Molly and you’re claiming you guys will get married. Great. Calling me out just seems idiotic. If I’m so insignificant, why even bring attention to me?

I’ve always said since Day 1 that when anyone asks me about his season, I will tell them that I will believe til the day I die, that it was something he was told to do by producers and that he had contact with Molly in the 3 months from the time filming ended til the time the ATFR was taped. Jason claims it was all real and these were all his choices. Well I don’t expect him to say anything different. Do we expect the guy to honestly admit to that? Unless he wants his pants sued off, then no. I presented my case and gave the readers the option to believe, or not believe me. It’s their decision. Some did, some didn’t. Whatever. The difference between Jason and I is he’s still trying to convince the ones that believe me, to not believe me. I don’t care about the people that don’t believe me. That’s their prerogative. We can go back in forth until the end of time on this. Jason can never admit to any behind the scenes stuff, and I can never prove my allegations without outing my sources, which will never happen. So it is what it is at this point. My word against his.

I had no intention of ever bringing this up again, but if the guy wants to call me out, I’m gonna respond. The audio clip and my thoughts coming later tonight or tomorrow.

Administrator The Bachelor 13 - Jason

Anyone who’s been following me on Twitter the last few days could’ve probably figured this out, but I have spoken with both women and both are excited about doing interviews for the site. Immediately I want to make it known that these interviews are not going to be all about their “Bachelor” experiences. Both their seasons are almost a year old now, a lot of the same questions have been beaten to death, so I’m looking for something a little different. Oh trust me, they are going to get asked the questions you want to hear. I’m just not gonna focus the whole interview on their “Bachelor” experiences, since I feel its a tad outdated.

You may be asking, “Then why are you interviewing them?” I’ll tell you. After having spoke to both of these women, I feel they have a lot more to them in regards to their pre and post “Bachelor” life. I guarantee you that you’ll be surprised by what you hear. If you’re looking for this to be a rip job on the “Bachelor” and them spilling a bunch of show secrets, sorry, it’s not gonna happen. DeAnna has plenty more to say than that. She is fully aware of the grief I’ve given her over the last year regarding her season and her life, so, this is going to be her chance to put me in my place. Bring it on! Like her or not, DeAnna Pappas is probably the most talked about female in “Bachelor/ette” show history, so what better place for her to tell her side of things, than on RealitySteve.com.

Holly Durst is a wild card. She’s no longer under contract with ABC, so she can probably speak a little more freely, however lets remember something very important: She was on Matt Grant’s season and frankly none of us really cared about him. I think you will all enjoy Hollys story, and, just like editing can create any character they want, the media seems to have done the same with her. Listen to what she has to say before judging. I certainly pre-judged, no doubt. There wasn’t anyone more skeptical about her than me, and then I spoke to her. Trust me when I tell you we will address what you want to know.

Of course, the #1 thing on most people minds regarding both these women is their past relationship with Jesse Csincsak. Holly dated Jesse right after DeAnna did, and now Holly and DeAnna are really good friends. So is this just a ploy for them to come on and tear into Jesse? No. But if you think I’m having both of these women on and am NOT going to ask them about Jesse, you’re crazy. It will be addressed and I think you’ll be surprised in what they have to say. I even read someone saying that whatever Holly says will be what DeAnna is telling her to say, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Holly has plenty of her own personal experiences regarding Jesse to share and that is what she plans on doing. We’ve heard from Jesse on these matters, but when was the last interview you saw with Holly on the matter to get her side? You’ll hear that shortly.

As for DeAnna, we will talk about her relationship with Jesse, and she will tell us whatever she feels we need to know. Jesse’s claims that she was only affectionate on camera, their public breakup at an airport, his sobbing You Tube video, what was the deal with her and Holly showing in during a recent Vegas trip supposedly planned by Jesse, etc. DeAnna will have plenty to say about all this and more. I hope you the readers know me well enough by now to know that I’m not interviewing DeAnna Pappas so I can lob softball questions at her all day long. She will be called out on stuff that I having been writing about her, and I’m truly interested to hear what she has to say. As now the co-host of “Get Married” (airing on the “Lifetime” channel Monday-Friday at 7:30am) her life has certainly changed over the past year since the Brad Womack and Jesse Csincsak days and I’m very curious to find out more about it.

No doubt people are going to pre-judge before even hearing the interviews. I get that. Hell, I certainly did. I think you’ll all be pleasantly surprised. So stay tuned for those in the upcoming weeks here on RealitySteve.com. Very much looking forward to having a candid interview with both women. They will be recorded audio interviews, so uhhhh, make sure your speakers work on your computer.

Administrator Interviews, The Bachelor 12 - Matt, The Bachelorette 4 - DeAnna

-For those who have ordered RealitySteve.com merchandise, your products will be shipping out this week. We’ve since changed our shipping schedule around so you will not have to wait as long in the future. If you haven’t ordered anything, check out the store at:

www.RealitySteve.com/store

We’ve gotten a few more former contestants on board with the merchandise that you will be seeing very soon. That’s assuming they decide to send in pics that are “tastefully done”. You never know. Otherwise, the response has been great. We will soon have a store link that’ll take you directly to the store rather than having to search for the web address link. Also, there will be some specials coming up, so stay tuned for that. It will be announced in this column, on Twitter, and on Facebook, so I’m sure you won’t miss it. If you haven’t added me as a friend on Facebook or started following on Twitter, just scroll down the right hand column under “My Stuff” and join. It’s free! And it doesn’t hurt either. If you haven’t started following on Twitter, you should. Some good stuff going on. Especially this past weekend. I just found out I’m part of the “Twitter clique” that is mean to other people. Wow. This is just like high school. I loved high school.

-In addition, HUGE news regarding the site that I’ll have for you tomorrow. It’s been a while, but, we have not one, but two, interviews lined up for all of you that I know you’ll enjoy. I will have more information tomorrow since I’m working out the final few details on both right now, but if/when this goes through, these are going to be two interviews you don’t want to miss. Check back tomorrow for details.

-For the first time ever, I’m going to preface this column by saying this: SPOILERS AHEAD! They’re coming. If you don’t want to know, don’t continue to read. Having said that, I’m guessing 99% of you will continue to read on. Which only proves that as much as you don’t want to know, you actually do want to know. Hey, just wanted to give the heads up since I will be addressing some things in this column that I haven’t yet this season.

-I’m gonna do this column a little backwards today, and start with the Ed situation first. In case you haven’t checked the site since last Tuesday evening, I posed a question and possible scenarios as to some of the things we’ve yet to see on the show. That is because we’ve heard since the beginning of the season that something happened during Jillians filming which had never happened before in the shows history, and was something very emotional. Well, as we saw, that happened last night. Ed went home. Sort of. I posed six possible scenarios last Tuesday night here on the blog about what we haven’t seen in the shows history. They were:

1) One bachelors exit causes another to question why he’s there
2) Jillian asks a bachelor to leave, only to have a change of heart later to ask him back
3) A bachelor leaves the show due to a personal/family/work related crisis and never returns
4) A bachelor leaves the show due to personal/family/work related reasons only to return at a later date
5) A bachelor leaves the show only to be replaced by another bachelor at a later date
6) A former bachelor returns which causes a current bachelor to leave

Well, there was a reason I posted this. Because the answer is #4. Why didn’t I just tell you what the answer was, or tell you that Ed comes back later this season? Well, just because I knew, didn’t mean I had to tell. People seem to think I’m making stuff up this season just to draw attention to the site. Couldn’t be further from the truth. If I was, I would’ve revealed this sooner. I mean, yeah, its kind of big deal that Ed leaves and returns later this season, but is it bigger than the scandal last season? Of course not. What we’re dealing with here is more manipulation though. However, Ed leaving and coming back has nothing to do with work. Once again, this is all part of the script. Sorry if I just spoiled it for you, but if you couldn’t tell after watching that debacle last night that Ed returns, you should be ashamed.

-You mean to tell me that all the other guys there aren’t allowed internet, TV, or phone access while on the show, and aren’t allowed to converse with family members, yet Ed Swiderski’s company is allowed to call him and give him sh** for being on the show? Sure they were. Then to see Ed with the “I wanna keep this rose” line, I mean c’mon. It’s like they’re not even hiding it this season. Complete foreshadowing that he’s returning. I’m here to tell you that basically Ed was told, “Look, you’re gonna leave the show and we’re gonna bring you back.” That’s what happened. This has nothing to do with Ed’s work, that was just the on-air reason they gave. And a poor one at that. Every bachelor that goes on this show has to potentially leave their job for six weeks to go film, so you’re telling me after 17 seasons of this show, this is the first guy who’s career was in jeopardy? Of course not. Just a horrible storyline/excuse for them to come up with.

-If Ed is going to use the “I could lose my job if I stay here” line as his reason for leaving, well, when he comes back in a couple weeks, what will be his reason then? I’m sure it’ll be, “Hey, everything’s cool at work. They said I could come back and fight for the woman I love.” Barf. This is honestly one of the worst scripted storylines this show has ever come up with, and they’ve had some pretty bad ones. For whatever reason, Ed was the guy they chose to have the drama with this season. “We’ll have you leave for work related issues, then bring you back later on in the season as the big surprise/shocker/BS ending.” Unbelievable. Like anyone who watched that last night actually thinks Ed is gone for good.

-Another reason you’ll able to tell Ed comes back? When ABC does their conference call this week with one of the eliminated bachelors, my guess is Ed Swiderski will not be the guy the media is allowed to talk to. Which makes no sense since they always give the media access to the eliminated bachelor who was the most important. Well, no offense Mark, but no one gives a rats ass you went home last night, so no one wants to talk to you. They either won’t have a conference call this week, or if they do throw Ed on there, his answers will be so vague and canned, he won’t say anything. I just can’t believe they used that as his reason for leaving. And did you hear his explanation to Jillian when he finally decided to leave? “I talked with some people, and I’m being unfair. I have to leave.” Great explanation. They couldn’t write something better for him than that? That was about as piss poor as you can get.

-I’ve presented what I can about this Ed situation. Will Ed, ABC, Chris Harrison, or the powers that be ever admit that Ed leaving and coming back was all their doing? Of course not. But I think I’ve established myself as pretty credible regarding what goes on in this show to know that this is a storyline set in motion by show, and has nothing to do with an emergency at Ed’s work. Please. Do I know everything that happens on this show? No. Never claimed to. But I know a lot. Once again, I will leave it up to you. Knowing what this show is capable of, knowing the BS they pulled last season, and seeing what you saw last night, honestly ask yourself that once Ed returns, if you really think it really had to do with work. I’m here to tell you, it didn’t. Can I prove it? No. And they’ll never admit to it of course. However, I think the track record of this show and the fact that yet again, they’ve managed to do something 17 seasons in that they’ve never had before, which is some guy’s work now is allowed to call him during filming and say, “Hey, what are you doin’ man? We need ya back at work, pal”. If you believe that, then I have some land to sell you off the coast of Bullsh** Island. So to everyone asking me, “Do you think Ed comes back”, my answer is “Do I THINK he comes back? I KNOW he comes back, and this is all part of their storyline.” That’s why I wrote what I did last Tuesday night because I wanted to plant it in peoples heads before they saw it. And since I suck at giving clues, I just presented it a little bit differently this time around.

-As for Chris Harrison’s blog today, I mean, what did you expect? Of course he’s going to deny the story about guys getting paid to come on the show, even thought its something I never said. I said I know of two guys that turned down money to come on this season. Whether or not ABC chose to go after these guys and throw money at them after getting rejected, I didn’t know. One could logically assume they did, but I’m here to tell you I don’t know for sure. And its not like paying a guy to come on the show with guarantees of final four or final three is as hard to pull off as Chris made it seem. Well if Jillian is in constant talks with producers about who she likes and they’re giving input as well, you’re telling me they couldn’t nudge her in the right direction? Please. But hey, what do I know? I don’t expect Chris Harrison to ever admit to that anyway. Why? Uhhhh, because he’d be out of a job if he did. And just like Ed, you know, tough to find a job in this economy, so you really gotta weigh your priorities. Nothin’ but love for ya Chris, but I fully expected him to respond the way he did today. He has to. If past contestants are under lock and key to never give away show secrets, it’s fairly reasonable to assume the host isn’t either. Understandable. I do love his ever-so-subtle jabs at me in his column though. Good stuff. Keep it comin’. And I love the picture they use for Chris’ blog. The caption should read: “Ok kiddos, gather round. Uncle Chris is gonna tell you aaaaaaallllll a story of how the ugly duckling Jillian is on a journey to find her prince. Ready? Ok, here we go!” So excited in the picture Chris. Down boy.

-Unfortunately, even though Chris Harrison was in Whistler with everyone, he got to take the day off and wasn’t the one presenting the kiddies with their date cards. It was Jillian who told the ten remaining guys there’ll be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. So disappointed that Chris couldn’t find the time in his day to do this. Maybe he was out skiing. Or having lunch with the fam. Whatever the case, he should be docked a little pay for not starting the show off for us like he has for the last three weeks in his shirts from Nordstroms. Michael gets the first 1-on-1 date and, predictably, starts over acting again. Tells all the rest of the boys to just go home now, says he loves Whistler, and that he’s ready to finally get some alone time with Jillian. He also seems to be wearing the striped hoodie that Jillian had on earlier this season. Or was it Chris who wore it? Whatever the case, people are now sharing clothes this season and its creeping me out.

-Michael is giddy. Michael: “I kinda like her the most out of all the guys right now. I could sit in a room and eat spaghetti with her and have fun.” Ummm, I couldn’t. I think I’d be more impressed by what the spaghetti had to say than her, but hey, just one mans opinion. I’m not here to rain on Michaels parade since he’s so excited a girl is paying attention to him now. Like, she’s letting him hug her as they go ziplining. Which by the way, I’ve never done and always wanted to, unless it’s with Jillian. Why? Did you hear that constant awful piercing scream she’d made every single time she was on that thing? Shutup already. You’d think maybe the first time she went it’d be acceptable. Possibly the second time. But by the fifth time, I’m guessing it’s a little less scary. The sound she made didn’t even sound human. I couldn’t replicate it if I tried. Man that was annoying. Of course, Michael ate it up. According to him, zipling is a lot like love. Oh geez, here we go. “You gotta commit to it, put yourself out there, and go.” Fascinating Michael. I’m guessing you are the first person alive that was able to compare ziplining to love. The only way I can compare the two is that sometimes in both, your nuts hurt. Ta-da.

-When Michael got to do the tandem zipline with Jillian, I thought he was gonna rip through his pants. They are in the spooning position as they head down the zip line and Michael says “We should try this in the bedroom later tonight.” Ooohhhh, how kinky that Michael is. Such a master wordsmith. You know what I think he should’ve gone with? “Whaddya’ say I put my penis in your vagina.” Essentially that’s what he was begging her for, so why not be a little more open about it? I hear that line works great with the ladies. Anyway, once these two are done zipping, and Michael zips up his pants, they head to a restaurant for dinner, one that Chris Harrison highly recommended in his blog today. Hey, you want your restaurant plugged, you hook a brotha’ up with a free meal. Host Chris is now pimping for the “Bearfoot Bistro”. I’m just curious if they comped his whole meal, or just gave him a discount? What I wouldn’t do to be in Chris Harrison’s shoes. He’s the greatest. Our next Dick Clark. Or Ryan Seacrest.

-Over dinner, Jillian has already had enough of Michael’s goofy, fun, over-thte-top playful side. She needs to find out if this guy can get down in the bedroom and if she has any sexual chemistry with the dweeb whatsoever. She asks him if he’s ready to settle down. His answer: “I’m the most cheesy ass, helpless romantic, fall-in-love-if-a-girl-kisses-me-on-the-mouth type of guy.” You don’t say? I never would’ve thought that about you. Why? Because you don’t act at all like a 5th grader around anything with boobs and a meat cave. And it’s “hopeless romantic” you twit, not helpless. Here’s what I will say about Michael though, and I’m being dead honest. Is he corny? Yes. Is he totally cheesy and over-the-top? Of course. Does he come across as more of a buddy than a boyfriend? Without a doubt. But you know what? I actually like this guy. At least he brings something different to the table. All the other guys are scrambling to find the perfect things to say all the time and are so boring, whereas this guy just acts like a complete dork and knows it. I respect that. So yes, I’ve done a complete 180 on the guy since last week. Will she choose him in the end? Not a chance in hell. But at least he keeps me interested and he’s not so robotic like every other guy in the house.

-So Michael turns the table on Jillian and asks her about the experience and what she wants out of life. “I don’t need to be a trophy wife.” Ha ha. That’s funny Jillian. I thought you just said you don’t need to be a trophy wife. Oh, you did? Well I think I can speak for all of America when I say this, but the last thing anyone thinks when they see you is “trophy wife”. Unless it was a trophy for finishing in 10th place at your Science Fair. But hey, thanks for clearing that up for us. We were all curious. In addition, you can’t be considered a trophy wife with the body of a 15 year old boy and the voice of Wolfman Jack. Now, the tough questions begin. Jillian: “Why did you really sign up for this?” Michael: “Well, I broke up with my girlfriend 8 months ago and I actually haven’t been on a date since.” That was about as surprising as the sun rising this morning. Michael, I’d just quit while you’re ahead and stop making references to falling in love with the first girl who kisses you and not dating for almost a year. Probably isn’t getting you laid. How do I know this? Jillian ended the night with a toast. “To a good date. A lot of fun. Never a lack of conversation with you.” Geez, why not just announce “I’m throwing you in the friend zone.” It’s never a good thing when you’re still on the show five episodes in and you haven’t been kissed yet. Or ever for that matter.

-Group date is up next with Robby, Reid, Wes, Kiptyn, Jake, Tanner, Mark, and Ed. They all just went snowmobiling around for sh**ts and giggles when essentially this group date basically became all about Inspector Jillian trying to crack the case of “The Guy with the Girlfriend”. Seriously. Every guy she pulled aside turned into an interrogation. Lets just say no one will ever mistake her for Sherlock Holmes anytime soon. Robby was up first and apologized for being a whining bitch at the last rose ceremony because he couldn’t get alone time with her after she melted down on everyone. I thought the funny thing was when Robby was talking to her, all the guys were huddling around ripping the guy saying he had no chance to stick around that much longer. Geez, when did Robby become everyone’s whipping boy? It was a game of smear the queer and Robby was, well, the queer. Apparently they think he’s too young and inexperienced to be with someone as polished as Jillian. Psssht. Don’t listen to em’ Wobby. Just because you’re younger and a bartender doesn’t mean for a second you’re not in Jillians league. Because every woman about to be 30 wants to settle down with a guy who pours Purple Hooter shots all night and reeks of stale beer rags. Don’t you forget that.

-Tanner butts in on Jillian and Robby to steal her away for a minute and really tell her nothing. Tanner is the Informant. Basically being kept around by Jillian so he can do all her spying for her. Jillian wants him to tell her who he thinks, or who he knows, has a girlfriend. “You said you’d tell me.” Well, since Tanner feels like a snitch now, he backs down and says, “Just keep your eyes open” to her, then tells the camera again, “I still think Wes is the guy she has to worry about.” So in the beginning of the season, Tanner and Michael had a love affair with each other that was unmatched in Bachelor history. Seems to me that Tanner has moved on and is now obsessed with Wes. Not in the I-want-to-pitch-a-tent-a-cuddle-with-you-the-outback obsessed, but more along the lines of, “My whole goal is to bring you down” obsessed. Tanner is a strange one, there’s no doubt.

-Wes is up next, and outside of the Ed debacle, Wes’ story seems to getting ramped up every week. Wes: “I’m the one with a CD coming out. My sister signed me up for this. I was working on the CD long before I decided to do this.” Yeah, I’m sure that sat well with the anti-Wes group. So did this line that he told the camera: “No doubt this will help with publicity but I don’t want her to think that’s why I’m here.” She might not think it, but everyone else sure does. Here’s the bottom line I’ve come to with Wes. I don’t care. If he came on the show to promote his career, fine. It doesn’t affect my life in any way, shape, or form. And it shouldn’t yours either. People that get so bothered he’s there for the wrong reasons it’s like, “Huh? And?” Why does it concern you so much? Here’s something that’ll ease your mind. Wes is not the final one. Or final two. Or final three. He gets a hometown date and then she dumps him. So there. Quit your worrying about how Jillian is being misled by him and his intentions aren’t pure. Are anyone’s on this show? Well, outside of Michael who’s looking for his first date since 8th grade any way he can get it.

-Time for Jillian/Kiptyn time which = awkward kissing. First off, Jillian tells him to “feel her butt, it’s wet.” Yeah, it’s wet and you’re completely sloshed. My god. Is this woman drunk 90% of the time? Her eyes were so glazed over and she gave the Dave its-taking-me-ten-seconds-to-blink look to Kiptyn on a couple of occasions. Jillian: “I like you. You like me.” Yep, she’s hammered. She constantly talks about how cute he is, yet these two never talk about anything worth a damn. All they do is try and kiss each other without looking like complete tards’. And they fail miserably every time. Am I the only one seeing this, or are these two completely incompatible when kissing? Boy its uncomfortable watching them. Its like the other one is waiting for the other to do something that never happens. If that made any sense whatsoever.

-Reid now has time to mount Jillian. Jill: “Reid and I have gotten off to a great physical start, but a slower emotional start.” They have? I think I barely remember them kissing once. Whatever the case, Jillian is three sheets to the wind yet again. Hell, I think Reid is too after this comment. “You’re cool. And you smell good. Like snow and flowers.” Uhhhhh, ok. Nice one. Because we all know what a breath taking combination snow and flowers can be. What an aphrodisiac. Bath and Body Works should bottle that stuff up and sell it. I’m sure it’ll outperform Sweet Pea, Cucumber Melon, and Vanilla Bean. I don’t even know what to make of these two. We haven’t seen much 1-on-1 time with either of them, yet everyone seems to like Reid. I’ve got no problem with him. I just don’t think his editing is doing him any favors.

-Next up was Jillian dancing on a bar, hammered out of her mind yet again, while jumping into Ed’s arms. This is where they went off and he first brought up that work called. Uh huh. Sure they did. So when Ed returns to the show while they’re in Spain, since he already left because of work, was that on his own dime? Of course it wasn’t. So if ABC agreed to let him come back (how its presented on the show), how are we supposed to believe it all came about? There are so many things wrong with the whole scenario, like I said earlier, it’s almost like they’re not even hiding it. Put it this way, when Ed does return, and NO ONE is surprised, it obviously means they didn’t do a good enough job into us thinking he was gone for good. I don’t know how Chris Harrison is going to spin that one, but it should be interesting. As for Jillian, I will say this, she didn’t know about Ed leaving, and she sure as hell isn’t going to know about him returning. They kept her in the dark on that one. All of this is a surprise to her. Just not to anyone else with half a brain.

-I honestly don’t really care to recap Jillian and Jesse’s 1-on-1. He got a rose. There. That’s all you need to know. Just a bunch of hyperbole of how great everything is, how great life is, blah blah blah. Nothing new here. Really. When you really break it down, anyone who goes on a 1-on-1 date and gets a rose, pretty much they’re all the same. Full of compliments, a lot of smiling and giggling, and awkward kissing (well, at least in Jillians season). So they took a plane, landed on a glacier, and made snow angels. The End. And Jesse told her he’d remember her for the rest of his life. Gee, I would hope so. Kinda hard to forget someone you went on national television with in your 20’s looking to find your wife. The biggest head scratcher of their date was Jesse telling us how much he loves Jillians voice. WHAT???!!!! “I can listen to her all night.” Well, you deserve a medal then because I don’t know anyone else who can. Hell, even Jillian can’t stand her voice. “Who thinks my voice is soothing? It’s like nails on a chalkboard. Sounds like I’ve been drinking whiskey since I was a kid.” Preachin’ to the choir, sweetie. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

-There is no cocktail party tonight. Jillian is still down in the dumps that Eddie left to go back to work. So during her sit down with Chris, she tells him what happened. “Ed had to leave today.” And by God, if Chris Harrison didn’t pull the greatest acting job ever. “He did? I’m so sorry.” HUH??? Chris, in your blog today you admitted you were in Whistler the whole time with everyone. You actually expect us to believe that until you sat down next to her, you had no idea Ed had left? Please. You probably drove the guy to the airport, dropped him off, and gave him a, “See you in Spain” farewell. Unbelievable. You wonder why I criticize this show. You wonder why I make fun of this show. That scene right there. Last season, Chris talked so much about he’s involved with the day to day action of the show and there’s just no way that if Jason was in on this all together, more people would’ve known about it. Yet, this season, he’s now telling us as the host of the show that he had no clue somebody left to go home? Something that’s never happened before in show history? I think you get my point. Hey Chris, the US sent a man to the moon back in the 60’s. And oh yeah, Barack Obama is our President. Just wanted to fill you in.

-Time for the rose ceremony. Michael and Jesse are safe. Jillian: “Had an incredible week. Best dates I’ve had, but also the best days I’ve had. It was hard to watch Ed leave, but I’m moving on since I’ve got a remarkable group of guys in front of me. And Mark.”

Reid: A lot of people think he looks like Matthew Perry. Eh, kind of. There’s still someone he resembles more that I can’t put my finger on.
Kiptyn: He can’t kiss and he has big ears. Will make for great Bachelor next season. Supposedly. Don’t believe everything you hear quite yet.
Robby: Enjoy your stay my friend.
Jake: Man, we haven’t seen sh** from this guy since his 1-on-1. Never a good sign.
Tanner: The Informant gets another week to search for clues.

“Gentlemen, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. Whenever you’re ready. Tough call here Jillian. Wes or Mark. I don’t envy you. We’re all waiting in suspense. I’ll be over here behind the wall on this new thing they call a computer. Cool stuff.”

Wes: Man, at least they could’ve made the final two Mark and Tanner. Like anyone in their right mind thought Mark was staying over Wes? Hell, even Chris gave us a little nugget today that Jillian wanted to dump Mark last week. Poor guy. Been cheated on four times and now this. He’s probably going to go drown himself in marinara sauce.

-Ok, lets address the thing a lot of you are curious about, which is the preview clip of Chris saying, “Later on this season, it’s every guys worst nightmare. Someone experiences problems in the bedroom.” Look, I honestly don’t know what that’s about. But lets be real here for a second. This is a show that for 17 seasons, has never once addressed the issue of what happens on the overnight dates when the doors close. And we all remember Jillian freaking out to that question before the season started when someone asked her if she slept with Jason. With the editing job this show has done season in and season out, do you honestly think that they are alluding to one of these guys not being able to get it up in the fantasy suite? I mean, really? You really think that? I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what it is for sure, but I can tell you what they aren’t talking about, and that’s some guy and Jillian not being able to have sex in the fantasy suite. Please people. Let’s actually think this stuff through. This is nothing more than a classic ABC tease. Of course they want you to think that, and judging by most of your reactions, you bought it hook, line, and sinker. Well, you’re going to be disappointed. I’m 99.9% sure that is not what they’re talking about. Probably something stupid like, he’s never spent the night with a woman, or he’s a virgin, or something lame. They purposely never answer the “sex” question when it comes to the overnight date. Now we’re expected to believe not only do they talk about it, but they go into detail? Uh huh. Calm down everyone. I can’t believe you fell for that.

So that’s all for this week. Back tomorrow with news regarding our next interviews upcoming. Trust me, you are not going to want to miss these. I think a lot of you readers will be getting the things you want to hear in these interviews. These women have a lot to say. One moreso than the other because, well, she can. Back tomorrow with more. Any questions, comments, emails, criticisms, praises, email me at steve@realitysteve.com.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

-Apparently I ruffled some feathers yet again. The media attention from Tuesday’s column is a hell of a lot more than I ever expected. Especially since some of the reporting of what I said is flat out wrong. Nice journalism. I’ve been informed by a Canadian reader that on the Canadian version of “Entertainment Tonight”, the reporter actually quoted my website by saying “Reality Steve says Kiptyn was paid $50,000 to appear on the show”. I challenge anyone to find the part of Tuesday’s column where I said that. I said this in a Reality Roundup column on 3/27/09 (check the archives) and I brought it up again Tuesday. What I said was I know two guys who were offered $50,000 to come on the show and TURNED IT DOWN. I then speculated that MAYBE ABC decided to offer money to other people, but I didn’t know. All I knew for sure was two people were offered money and turned it down. So once again, selective reading by people. Never ceases to amaze me. Would I be surprised if one or two guys on this season were paid to come on? Of course not. But if it happened, I would have no idea who were the guys who accepted money, and neither will anyone else since the guys in question and ABC would never admit to it. So it’s a moot point.

-Then we get some website called BuddyTV.com that runs the most misleading headline of a column I’ve ever seen. Check out this link:

“Reality Steve Claims Men Paid to Act Single”

See how one headline can be so misleading. Saying that “men are paid to act single” implies that the guys that were paid, if there were any, all had girlfriends. If they said, “Reality Steve Claims Men Paid to Come on Show”, well, even that wouldn’t be 100% accurate because that would imply that I know some of the men this season were paid to come on. Is it possible? Yes. Do I know it for a fact? No. I just know that two were offered and rejected it. So the bottom line is, the headline of this column should’ve been, “Reality Steve Claims Men MIGHT’VE Been Paid to Come on Show”. The funny thing about this column is the whole column is just ripping quotes from what I wrote Tuesday. There’s nothing in it that’s their own original material. So thank you for the exposure BuddyTV.com, whoever you are.

-I haven’t picked up my copy yet, but I was also interviewed over email by “Star” magazine this week, so pick that up this weekend if you get a chance. I really hope that one didn’t misquote me since I have email proof of everything I answered. “Star” did a good job last time when they interviewed me, so I can’t imagine I can be misquoted on something I answered back in an email. And if I am, well, maybe I’ll just bust out the email and print it for all those to see. But I haven’t read the article yet, so I don’t know what it says. Basically just asked about the guys this season, who might be on to advance their career, were some of the guys paid, and so on. And my answer was no different than what I’ve said on my blog for the last couple months. I told them exactly what I know is fact, and then what I know to be rumored. I clearly distinguished between the two.

-Enough about the bad press, here is someone who deserves credit for what they wrote in regards to my column on Tuesday. Lindsay Connor, who writes for the “Examiner.com”, completely took what I said and didn’t jump to conclusions like the others. Here’s the link to what she wrote, and honestly, she probably wrote it better than I did:

“Bachelorette Scripted By Producers?”

A job well done by Lindsay and I figured she should get recognized for it. That’s how you take what I said and write a column. Not jump to conclusions and put your own spin on it.

-I want to make one thing clear. What happened last season on the “Bachelor” was probably a once in a lifetime event. I happened to get lucky and the information fell into my lap. Do I have sources this season? Yes. But when nothing really crazy is happening, there’s really nothing to report. Yes, a bachelor goes home on Monday and there’s a mini-story there, but it’s nothing of the magnitude of the Jason/Molly/Melissa fiasco. Nothing will ever come close to that. I’m not making stuff up just to get attention. Didn’t do it last season (as you all realized once the finale aired) and am not doing it this season. All I’m doing is reporting what I hear from my sources. In addition, I specify exactly what I know to be 100% true, and I specify what is still speculation. This season, what is 100% true is Dave was told to act nervous during the meet-and-greet and that “silence” was re-shot three times (more on Dave in a second), that there were two men offered money to be on the show this year that turned it down, and the storyline of a bachelor leaving the show in Monday’s episode. Whether you choose to believe me when I say those things is up to you, but I think I’ve built up enough credibility based on what I told you last season.

-I’m not making stuff up so I can appear in magazines or other internet sites. If that’s what people find interesting and they want to run it, great. Just get your facts straight. My main objective with my blog has always been to entertain first, and to point out how ridiculously fake the show is second. That’s it. It’s what I do. If you don’t want to hear about how contestants are told to do certain things, and you don’t want to hear how manipulating the show is, then this probably isn’t the site for you. I write a recap in my own sophomoric, slanted, skewed view of how I see it, and I try to include moments either that I think are fake, or know are fake. I think my ultimate goal in life is to convince every single person who watches this show to watch it for pure entertainment value and nothing else. If you really get attached to these people, and really think people are on this show to find love and ABC is creating a love story themselves, then you are watching for the wrong reasons and will ultimately be disappointed. This isn’t real. This isn’t reality. These people are put in situations and essentially told what to do and say. So calling it “reality” is BS. I could go on and on with examples, but I think you get the point. It’s my job to just enlighten you about the farce this show is once I come into some information.

-As for Dave and Juan, they had their conference call yesterday with the media that I got a chance to listen to and take notes. I was going to post what I had taken down, but another site did it much more thoroughly, so I’ll just link to them. I’ve read both of these columns and basically this is what was said. RealityTVworld.com and RealityWanted.com do these interview recaps every week with the booted bachelor/s, so it’s always a good read. They obviously record it and transcribe it, so it’s much more thorough than the chicken scratch I came up with. Here are the links if you want to hear what both guys had to say:

Dave’s Interview

Juan’s Interview

I think I’m going to start having the links to these conference call interviews up every Friday from now on. If either of these sites haven’t posted anything by the time my column is up, I’ll just recap what I had from my notes. Essentially, Dave’s point about his behavior was that we saw 1% of what he’s really like, and ABC knew they had good material so they ran with it. I fully expected him to say that. Once again, I can’t feel sorry for him because that’s what this show does. If he didn’t know that, or doesn’t like it, then he shouldn’t have gone on the show.

The one thing I want to point out from this interview was the thing I pointed out in my column this week about his “nervousness” being something he was told to do. He got asked that in the interview (not specifically about what I said, but about was he really “tongue tied” that night), and be sure to read his answer. I will say this. I was listening to this conference call. I heard how he answered the question, and let me just say, you could tell that he was hiding the fact it was something he was put up to. When he first started to answer the question, he laughed, then paused, then hesitated before giving the answer. Here’s what I was able to transcribe from his answer. This is directly from my notes.

“No, I wasn’t really. They wanted us to have a plan, an idea. Stand out from everyone else. I’m confident, borderline cocky person. That would turn her off. I thought the best idea for me was to act nervous and star struck. It worked. She called me out on it. That was my idea.”

Sure it was his idea. An idea that was put into his head by producers. I mean, the guy basically just admitted it was all an act. If he would’ve said, “No, I really found it hard to speak to her. I was star struck”, then you can question the validity to what I said. But he basically confirms it was something he came up with, which is an easy way to answer the question without giving away that someone else told him to do it. Man I love being proven right.

“Jon & Kate Plus 8″

-I want to congratulate “US Weekly” for now having a “Jon and Kate” story on the cover for seven consecutive weeks. Seven!!!! Holy crap. There’s actually a small part inside me that wants to leave these people alone. Well, not really. Especially after seeing this clip. Kate and the kids were set to go live in an on air interview recently and one of them was thirsty and wanted some water. Kate, being Mega Bitch Mom of the Year, basically withheld water from her daughter. But hell if she didn’t take a sip herself. Unbelievable. No wonder the kid thinks she’s mean. She really does this. You know what, I’m glad Jon is boinking some 23 year old. Good for him. How he could put up with this woman is beyond me. Check this out:

Really? It’s asking that much to let your kid have a sip of water before you go live? Now if you say, “Well, if she would’ve given her a sip, then the other seven would’ve wanted one and there wasn’t enough time”, well, then Kate shouldn’t have basically taunted a dehydrated kid by drinking water herself. I would’ve walked off the interview if I were the little one. Just be like, “That’s it. I’m gone. I can’t deal with her.” How great would that have been? I don’t think I will ever get enough stories of infidelity and horrible parenting with these two. Keep it comin’ “US Weekly”!

Back at it on Tuesday with your “Bachelorette” recap. I will have more details on the exiting bachelor and his status with the show. Still working on a photo banner up that links directly to the RealitySteve.com merchandise store, but for the time being, visit it at: www.RealitySteve.com/store. Any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, stories, feedback on the store, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you Tuesday.

Administrator Reality Roundup

Since the beginning of the season, Chris Harrison has teased that something happens this season that’s never happened before in show’s history. In fact, here are his exact quotes.

From an interview with EW.com he did before the first episode aired:

“Halfway through the season, there is something different that happens with Jillian that we’ve never faced before. You don’t plan for it, you don’t script it — because you can’t.”

At the end of last night’s episode previewing next Monday’s show, we heard Chris saying this:

“And then, it’s the shock of a lifetime. (Cut to scene of Jillian crying, “I really, really, really liked you”), that leaves Jillian devastated.” Jillian: “This is just proof that no matter if you’re wearing the pants or not, it doesn’t protect you from getting your heart broken.”

From his blog earlier today on EW.com:

“One of the biggest surprises we encountered this season takes place next week and it leads to one of the most emotional episodes we’ve ever had.”

What does this all mean? In case you haven’t heard, a bachelor leaves the show on Monday. Is it by circumstance or by choice? Well, if the show is promoting it as something that’s never happened in the history of the show, lets look at the possibilities of things that have never happened:

1) One bachelors exit causes another to question why he’s there
2) Jillian asks a bachelor to leave, only to have a change of heart later to ask him back
3) A bachelor leaves the show due to a personal/family/work related crisis and never returns
4) A bachelor leaves the show due to personal/family/work related reasons only to return at a later date
5) A bachelor leaves the show only to be replaced by another bachelor at a later date
6) A former bachelor returns which causes a current bachelor to leave

We know this is a boring season. The ratings speak for themselves. Is it possible, after EVERYTHING that went down last season, that ABC is creating drama once again to generate interest? Could it possibly happen yet again where people are being led to believe and see one thing, when in reality, that’s not what’s really taking place? Are the writers running out of ideas, or coming up with new ones?

More to come in the following days. Stay tuned.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

-I wanted to let everyone know right off the bat that I am aware of the slow loading process that the website sometimes has, as well as the comments section. I’ve looked into everything and still can’t figure out the problem, so, just bear with it the rest of this season, and by next season, we are going to go with a new layout for the site. If you bring up the page, and it doesn’t load, just wait. Sometimes it takes ten seconds, sometimes thirty, or sometimes a minute. But it’s always working very shortly thereafter. As for the comments section, same thing. Sometimes it loads immediately when you click on it, and sometimes it takes a while. If you’re hell bent on commenting, then wait it out, or refresh and try again later. So yes, I am aware of the slow loading of the site at times but I don’t want to fix it mid season since it’ll be down for long periods of time. I’d rather just deal with it once this seasons over. In the meantime, enjoy what we have now because it won’t be around much longer.

-The merchandise store seems to be a success at this point. If you haven’t purchased anything yet, check it out at:

www.RealitySteve.com/store

If you and your friends are thinking of purchasing items, email me and I can help you with saving a few dollars. Keep the orders coming and get your pictures in so we can get them up on the site.

-Before we get started, let me first give you my first bit of information I found out about this season that is 100% true. I’ve heard plenty of rumors and innuendo, but finally something has come to the forefront that shows once again how well engineered this show is. Not surprising to hear this, but still, par for the course for ABC. As we all remember in the first episode, when David exited the limo, he stood in front of Jillian for a good ten seconds in complete silence. In episodes since, the guy has been anything BUT silent, and has come across as a drunken lunatic. Yet on the first episode, he said he couldn’t think of anything to say, Jillian liked that approach and gave him the first impression rose for it. Well, I have found out in recent days, confirmed to me by three independent sources, that Dave was told on the night of the meet-and-greet to pretend he was nervous. In addition, the scene where he is speechless in front of Jillian was also re-shot THREE times because he kept laughing every time he did it. Like I said, not surprising to hear it, but it all plays in to “roles” that are created for each guy. So it’s very tough to take any edit of Dave from here on out seriously, because it seems like they just decided to have fun with him. However, us as viewers can only go with what they show us, so that’s what I’ll comment on. But if the first impression rose was staged this season, exactly what are we supposed to think about the rest of this nonsense?

-It’d be one thing if they told Dave to act speechless, and not say a word, and never told Jillian about this. Still it’d be wrong, but at least Jillian would be clueless. But the fact that the scene was re-shot three different times because he couldn’t get through the first two takes without laughing means Jillian knew all about what was happening, and giving him the first impression rose because she liked “his approach” was complete B.S. Hey, I don’t think I’m breaking any earth shattering news here by telling you portions of the show are “scripted”, I just wanted to point out a scene in particular that was. The fact that ever since the first night Dave has been made out to be a complete bully who can’t hold his liquor and would like nothing better than to string Juan up by his nuts David Carradine-style, makes me even more interested to hear what Dave admits to now that he’s been eliminated. Nice legacy Carradine left behind, huh? Great character actor and liked wearing fishnet stockings and getting off while suffocating himself. Outstanding. Hope that last orgasm was worth it, buddy. On to last night.

-Host Chris, for the 3rd episode in a row, starts off the show by telling us what’s up. Cuz heez da’ shiznit. Sorry. Trying to act like Michael the screaming breakdancer who likes talking with his rap hands. Is it possible for him to speak A) at a volume lower than 10, or B) without moving his hands around like he’s hosting “Yo! MTV Raps”? Just asking. Anyway, Chris tells us there’ll be a group date, a 1-on-1 date, and a 2-on-1 date. But since we all know what happens on the group and 1-on-1, “lets talk about this other date.” Yes Chris, lets do that. Since we’ve never seen this before in the history of the show. Well, except in the last about seven editions this show has produced. Do the guys really not know what happens on the 2-on-1 date? Pretty simple. One guy gets a rose, one guy doesn’t. What ‘tard hasn’t figured that one out yet? Are they thinking it’s gonna be a menage a tois? Maybe they think 2-on-1 means she likes both of them so much, they’re both getting roses and are just out for a jolly good time that night. Sometimes this show really thinks its viewing audience is stupid. I mean, really stupid.

-Host Chris also tells them they’re leaving the mansion for good and headed to Vancouver, Jillians hometown. Although, I thought her hometown was Alberta. Hell, what do I know? Ok, so her bio says she’s a native of Alberta, but currently resides in Vancouver. I guess it all depends on your definition of “hometown”. I pretty much spent my whole life in Orange County, Ca. Now I’m living outside of Dallas. I certainly would never say my hometown is Dallas. My hometown is Orange County. I currently live in Dallas. But whatever. The show can BS us all they want. It’s a minor technicality compared to re-shooting Dave’s opening limo scene. What a joke. Jillian is so proud that her “hometown” is the site of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. I would expect someone from Canada to be excited about that since, well, they can watch their national hockey team take 4th place again. Maybe Janet Gretzky can light the torch during the opening ceremonies. If she does, can I get some action in on that? What are her odds in Vegas? I liked Wayne in the “Waikiki Hockey” sketch when he hosted “SNL” in 1989. Funny stuff. Gambling addict wife? Not so funny.

-Kiptyn gets the solo date on the night and is pretty excited. See, he and Jake are having a little pow-wow and are so thrilled because they think Jillian is different than the other bachelorettes. Jake: “For the first time in my life, it seems like a girl is looking for the nice guy. I don’t understand the ones who chase the bad boys.” Wow. Jake and I actually have something in common besides both living in Texas. We both don’t understand the “bad boy” phenomenon. Look, I know women have their phases with it, I just don’t understand it. And never will. That’s because I’m the nicest guy on the planet and look where that’s gotten me. Ha ha. I’m kidding. I’m in a good place right now, so I ain’t complaining. Anyway, I’ll get off the “woe is me” card right now and get back to the task at hand. And that’s Jake the pilot who loves the fact Jillian likes nice guys. Uhhhh, Jake’s in for a rude awakening. Looks like he’s headed down a road all too familiar for the “nice” guys, and we all know what that is. It’s called the “Friend Zone”. And Jake isn’t too far away from being thrown in. Bump-bump-buuuuuummmmm.

-So Kiptyn and Jillians date made me nauseous I must admit. Why, you ask? Because every freakin’ sentence out of their mouth was a compliment about the other person. Immediately when he meets up with her, they run into each others arms (the running when meeting someone needs to stop. Act like you’ve been there before guys), and he tells her, “You look beautiful”. Nice compliment. No harm in that. The only problem was she was in jeans, an oversized raincoat, and a scarf. Beautiful? Really? So when she’s all decked out and dressed up in her 5 inch heels and sparkly backless dress and you tell her she looks beautiful again, doesn’t it lose its luster a bit? Ease up pal on tossing word beautiful around. The law of diminishing returns will set in rather shortly if you keep it up.

-Immediately these two get in a kayak so they can head over to the market and buy some food for the night. Jillian wants to find some homemade tortellini so she can make it with her special sauce. Uh huh. I say Kiptyn’s special sauce will work out just fine on your tortellini. I’m so immature at times, it’s frightening. Really. So after these two go to the market, this little piggy had roast beef, and this little piggy had none. Ok, somethings come over me tonight and I don’t know what, but I’m delirious right now. Maybe cuz’ I’m tired. I’ll try and fight through it, but I can’t promise anything. So Jillian and Kiptyn sit on a park bench and talk about charity work. Kiptyn does some work with kids, and Jillian chimes in she’s put in work with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Organization. Hey Canadians, want me to say something nice about Jillian? Ok, I will. Very cool she did work for Big Bros/Big Sis because I was involved with the program myself for five years. Still keep in touch with my “little brother” to this day. So at least Jillian has one redeeming quality about her I can appreciate.

-Kiptyn: “Jillian and I have the beginnings to a relationship of people who are best friends.” I’m glad he was able to tell this by a kayak across the river, shopping at the market, talking charity work, and feeding the pigeons. Why not just propose now since everything you guys say to each other at this point seems to impress the other one. Jillian could say right now, “Hey, I have horrible gas every morning and usually go days without brushing my teeth” and you know what Kiptyn’s response would probably be? “Really? Me too!” This love affair is almost too much too soon. They’re convinced that this is real between them because they’re not on an extravagant date. They’re just chillin’ at Jillians place (well, it’s not really her place as Host Chris explains in his blog today)she’s cooking him dinner. Hey, I’m all for more normal dates since that’s where people get lost and caught up in the fantasy of this show since once you get back to the real world, the days of you taking helicopters over mountains and repelling down sides of buildings on your first date end, and dinner at Olive Garden then to a movie begin. But now these two are a married couple because she’s at home, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen making a pie. Or something like that.

-The diarrhea of compliments continues. Jillian: “What’s your biggest turn on?” Kiptyn: “Being spontaneous.” Jillian: “Me too! Love that! As for physically, well, you should probably just look in the mirror.” These two are so cute. Like two little cats playing with a ball of string. Just doing the same thing over and over again for hours while the rest of watch bored out of our minds. The outpouring of affection between these two is never a good sign. It’s almost too forced at this point. Now its time for Kippy to get serious. The Kipster lets her know that he’s never really been much of a pursuer. In past relationships, he’s tended to end up with people who come after him. Yeah, I know what you mean pal. It’s tough fending off so many women at a time. Man, what a tough life you and I lead. I just wish we didn’t have so many women approaching us all the time, you know? I’m glad Kiptyn cleared that up for us because what better show to go if you’re not a pursuer than the “Bachelorette”. It’s not like you have to put yourself out there very much at all and force yourself to have time with a woman being pursued by 29 other guys. So if Kiptyn isn’t a pursuer, and this show is essentially all about pursuing, then how in the hell did he end up on this show? Hmmmmmmm, interesting question. Wouldn’t it just be so crazy if Kiptyn was our next “Bachelor”? You know, since he usually ends up with women who come to him. Well, what better show to do that becoming the “Bachelor”? Boy, that would just be perfect for him. Let’s stay tuned for those developments.

-However Kiptyn, after telling us he’s not a pursuer, not explains why he came on this show. Kip: “I was telling myself, ‘You need to do this. You need to go after something.’” Well, either that or someone influenced you to come on the show with a few hundred benjamins in hand. Hey look, I said it a month before the season started, and I’ll say it again. I know that there were two guys approached about coming on the show, both offered $50k and guaranteed at least final four, and both of those guys turned it down. Now, whether or not ABC decided to go after a couple other guys with the same offer, or more money, or less money, I don’t know. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. But I know that two individuals were offered money to come on the show and rejected it. It might mean that some of the guys this season were paid, it might not. However, I will say this. If Kiptyn ends up in the final two, doesn’t get picked, and ends up as our next “Bachelor”, I think the writing is on the wall. This show is telling a story, remember that. It’s not that far fetched to think that’s what’s going on here. Time will tell.

-Now its time for the group date with Michael, AA Dave, Wes, Reid, Jesse, Who-ahn, Robby, foot freak Tanner, Jake, and Ed Dean Piven Jr. Once again, Jillian is extremely excited because they will be competing in an “internationally recognized Olympic winter sport. Curling.” Hilarious. Like we would come to expect anything different from a Jillian date than curling. Curling? Really? We have to watch this? Shocking to see a date in Canada is centered around this ridiculous sport. I would’ve much rather preferred chopping down trees or harpooning whales, but I guess this is the best they could come up with. Lets get something straight: Curling isn’t a sport. It’s an activity. It’s a skill. Big difference. Doesn’t mean it’s a sport. Kinda like lawn darts or bochy ball. Sure, not everyone can do it, and some people are really good at it, but that doesn’t make it a sport. I could go on for days debating what’s actually considered a sport or what isn’t, but for the time being, just know curling is lame. Most people don’t give a crap about curling, so my interest in this date was rather minimal. I was just curious to see if Dave was going to crack Juan’s skull on the ice after a victory. Or maybe take one of the curling broomsticks and whack him across the face leaving him in a bloody pile of his own mess.

-Speaking of Who-ahn, he’s really fired up for curling. “Curling requires three things: Flexibility, balance, and touch. And I got all three.” Another important trait that any good curler should have is testosterone. Unfortunately, Who-ahn is lacking in that category. Flexibility, balance, and touch don’t come in handy when you have ovaries and its that time of the month. And considering they never really showed Who-ahn doing anything during this curling event pretty much tells us all we need to know how he fared. They were split up in to teams of five and the winners got to party with Jillian later in the night. The Blue team consisted of Wes, Ed, Reid, Michael, and Tanner. The Red team was the other five d-bags. Let’s talk about Michael for a moment. He’s annoying. Like, Dave-why-don’t-you-use-his-face-as-a-punching-bag-and-leave-Juan-alone annoying. Why does Michael have to yell every sentence? And why is he doing his best Kiptyn impression this date? Michael: “She looked beautiful today. I just wanted to hug her and get some hot chocolate.” Dude, you’re weird. Beautiful again? She was freezing her ass off in a pair of sweats. Hey Eminem, calm down you little twerp. Go show us your 1985 dance moves on the ice and maybe rupture a spleen in the process. That’d be splendid.

-So the Red team won. That’d be Jake, Jesse, David, Robby, and Juan. Yes, Juan and Dave were on the same team and managed not to come to blows. Well, at least from what they showed us they didn’t. Jake is up first to talk to Jillian and boy is he nervous. I don’t know how else to explain what he said to her. In talking about their date that happened a week ago when Martina McBride performed for them, he said, “I had a great time. It was great. Made my year. Made my life.” Jake, you’re a pilot. You’ve probably flown all over the world. You’ve probably been to places that 95% of America has never been to. Now I’m supposed to believe a Martina McBride concert with you wearing ass tight jeans and an awful cowboy shirt made your life? I know you’re trying to get Jillian to remember the one good time you guys had together so far, but don’t go overboard. It’s like you and Kiptyn are sharing the same brain since you’re convinced she’s here looking for the nice guys. Jillian: “You are too perfect.” Jake: “I’m not too perfect.” Well, glad we got that established. Because all along I was thinking, “You know, if there’s one person on this planet who is the perfect person, it’d be Jake. The guy from Denton, Texas who chose to go on the ‘Bachelorette’”. Nauseating, really.

-One guy who could better than any of the rest of them was Jesse. We haven’t seen much of him up to this point, but now Jillian is getting some alone time with him and his Kango hat. He looked like a golf caddy from the 1950’s or LL Cool J. Couldn’t quite figure out what look he was going for. Oh, I got it. It was the “giant tool” look. As Farmer Ted told the dork in “Sixteen Candles”, “Take that ridiculous thing off!” Apparently Jesse isn’t going to listen to me and is going to continue to wear it during his alone time. And apparently he’s drinking some of the Jake/Kiptyn Kool-Aid. Jesse: “You’re one of the greatest girls I’ve ever met.” This is just getting ridiculous. Jillian? Really? One of the greatest human beings ever to walk this planet? What are they slipping into these guys drinks? Jillian: “You are here for a reason, and it’s not out of luck.” She kisses him. And it’s official four episodes in: Jillian is very uncomfortable to watch kissing. For someone who’s as big a mouth whore as she is, she really doesn’t seem to be very good at it. But hey, what do I know? According to Jesse, there isn’t a single woman on the planet who is on par with Jillian Harris. Good Lord.

-Next up was the highlight of the night. Our boy Dave lubed up yet again finally getting Jillian for some alone time. Jillian says her and Dave are kinda on the buddy level going into this, so she wants to see if there’s more. Oh there’s more, sweetcakes. Trust me. Dave is convinced you will be his love slave and will wait on him hand and foot for the rest of your life. But not before he showers you with compliments, although, in a much more vulgar variety than did Kiptyn/Jake/Jesse. Dave: “Today at the curling event, your ass was fantastic. I kept standing behind you looking at it going, ‘Uh huh’. Do you ever look at your ass in the mirror? You’ve got a great ass.” Very subtle, Dave. I can’t imagine why she didn’t drop her panties right there. Wait, it gets worse. Even though she’s completely taken aback by his forwardness, apparently in his eyes, it’s on like Donkey Kong. This guy is going in for the kill. With his psycho eyes approaching, and his tongue already in lizard position, Jillian gives him the ol’ “here, let me turn my head you disgusting pig and kiss my cheek”, ala DeAnna with Chef Robert. Best scene of the season.

-The Incredible Dave does not like this one bit. “I’ve never been turned down for a kiss before. Ever.” I don’t doubt that for a second. Kinda hard when you’re holding them down against their will. So now these two are in a discussion about how women never turn down the Incredible Dave, and as she’s explaining herself to him about not kissing every guy in the house (even though it seems like she has), her top starts to slide down a little bit which does two things to Dave. #1, gives him an erection. #2, assumes this is the go ahead for him to caress her boob as he fixes her shirt for her. Very smooth, buddy. Couldn’t see that one coming from a mile away. And now he’s feeling the need to talk about what he just did. Dave: “You and I are comfortable together. You can talk to me, your tit falls out, it’s no big deal.” Jillian: “Uhhh, it’s my bra.” If this whole scene doesn’t show up on the “Soup” Friday, some intern screwed up. Hell, this should be the “Clip of the Week”. Dave, just because Jillian showed you her training bra doesn’t necessarily give you the right to mount her on national television. I will make a bet with anyone right now that, if it already hasn’t happened, at some point Dave will either get:

a) maced by police officers
b) arrested for public drunkenness
c) arrested for disturbing the peace
d) accused of domestic violence
e) all of the above. On the same night.

I don’t think there’s been a season I was looking more forward to the “Tell All” episode than this season. If Dave isn’t on the hot seat for the full hour, I’ll be pissed. Even Host Chris wants a piece of him. And as we saw later, when you cross Host Chris, there is hell to pay. Hell hath no fury than a scorned Chris Harrison. Did I say that right? Anyway, Jesse and his Kango hat ended up getting the rose.

-We are now in the 2-on-1 date with Mark and Mike. Mike was the dude earlier in the season who put on a speedo and jumped in the ocean. Cheesy. He was also the guy who on opening night, tossed her a baseball that she caught, so he could use the line, “I knew you were a good catch.” Barf. Mark we basically know nothing about at this point other than in the beginning of the episode, he had neck beard. But by the time the date rolled around, someone knocked some sense into him and mentioned he might want to shave that thing off since it looks like he’s been living in the woods for the last five years. And oh yeah, Mark is a Pizza Entrepreneur. Outstanding. I can totally see Jillian ending up with a guy who comes home with pizza dough on his hands after flipping pizzas all day. Is “Pizza Entrepreneur” short for “delivery guy for Dominos”? Just checking. ABC totally missed the boat on this date. Frankly, I don’t think anyone gives a rats ass about these two guys. How can you not have the 2-on-1 date with Dave and Juan? Horrible directing. They should be ashamed of themselves. They’d have television gold on their hands if they’d gone that route. Sure, Dave getting a boner over seeing Jillians bra was good stuff, but nothing like the endless possibilities of a 2-on-1 date with Juan. Just think, there could’ve been a murder and a sexual assault on the same date!

-So the date was to take a helicopter to Grouse Mountain, wherever the hell that is. During the helicopter ride, Mike was definitely the aggressor while Pizza Hut was sitting there twiddling his thumbs. Domino’s tells us he’s his biggest competitor and own worst enemy when it comes to dating. I know. Must be tough. Fending off all the chicks who are all over in your white apron covered in marinara sauce. So Mark the Pizza Geek is making it perfectly clear he isn’t really suited for a 2-on-1 date. However, Mike is in his element. And what is that element? Throwing out every relationship one-liner he could. “I’m at the point in my life to find a woman to spend the rest of the my life with. I would make you happy, care for you, provide for you, etc. This is a big risk, big reward situation.” What’s next Mike? Let me guess, you “work hard, and play hard” as well? Mike couldn’t have come across worse if he tried. In fact, he was trying too hard. He basically was telling her everything he thought she wanted to hear and I’m guessing it came off pretty hollow.

-As for Mark, the head chef at Little Caesar’s, he joins the crowd of millions this season who have enjoyed talking about their past girlfriends. Tells us he had a long distance girlfriend, pretty much got cheated on, was burned by it, and now takes a little bit longer to open up to people. Although, he does say one smart thing, he does question how other guys on the show can say they’re in love after such a short time. You’re preachin’ to the choir buddy. Amen. Now go make me a large pepperoni and garlic pizza with extra cheese. After he whips up Jillian a meatball sub, it’s decision time for her. Does she go with the speedo dork who’s just feeding her lines, or does she consider a life in the fast lane with Luigi over here? Jillian: “This is the hardest date I’ve ever been on in my life.” Well, if you want to convince yourself of that, then sure. But I’m guessing we’ll hear something very similar in the coming weeks. She’s made her decision: She wants a medium Canadian bacon pizza with half anchovies and half onions. Mike, I’m sorry, but take your baseball and speedo and get the f-out. As she sends Mike on his way down the gondola, he says, “If I was a betting man, I’d have put all the money I had on me getting a rose.” Well, good thing you didn’t. I’m sure your ego didn’t take bashing having been beaten out by Domino’s Employee of the Month.

-Since it’s getting late, I’m going to condense the cocktail party a little bit since it all surrounded the question I’ve been more times than I can imagine this season: Which one of these guys has a girlfriend? I will be honest. I don’t know. In fact, I’m more tending to believe that none of these guys do and this is just being thrown out there to create drama. Yes, I understand that Tanner said he knows for a fact that Wes has a girlfriend, but that could easily be in the editing. I am withholding judgment until I see more. The way this show works, and considering the whole final cocktail hour was spent dissecting who does or doesn’t have a girlfriend, makes me think the whole thing was made up. Time will tell, but let’s not just immediately assume someone has a girlfriend because that’s what someone said. We know how manipulative the show can be. Remember when DeAnna had a blow up at the mens BBQ crying, yelling, and screaming at the guys that if they didn’t want to be there, they should just go home? Totally made up. Was all part of the “script” to create drama.

-So Jillian is pissed. Tanner tells her in private that guys aren’t there for the right reasons, and that someone has mentioned having a girlfriend. This causes Jillian to cry for what seems like the 100th time this episode. So instead of talking to all the guys, Jillian is so furious, she decides its time to end the party. Jillian: “I’ve been told some guys aren’t here for the right reasons. I’m very upset. So no more cocktail party. I’ll see you guys at the elimination. I’m taking my ball and going home. I might even suck on my thumb for a while.” So this has all the guys in a tizzy and all the guys look around to see who’s gonna say what. Jillian heads to the deliberation room with steam coming out of her ears. “I don’t even want to cry about it. They don’t deserve my emotion. That’s bullsh**. I want to know who it is and I want them gone. I don’t want to cry.” Funny how you keep telling us you don’t want to cry, yet, that’s all you’re doing. You’re a horrible actress.

-Elimination time. Host Chris comes out like a fire breathing dragon ready to kick some ass. “All right guys. Jillians upset. To hear that some guys might have girlfriends, lets just get it out in the open. If you have something to say, say it now.” Thirteen douchebags then proceed to look around at each other with blanks looks on their faces. Who me? Nope. Not me. You? Nope. Not me. What about you? Not me. On and on this goes until Jake tries to act all hard. Jake: “I’m here to find love in my ripped designer jeans. Be a man and step up.” Jake is a pansy, I’m sorry. Quit being Mr Peacemaker here. Like any of these guys are going to admit it, even if they do have a girlfriend. I get what Jake is trying to do here, being the first one to speak up as he’s thinking it’ll get him a one way ticket under Jillians shirt, but it ain’t happening. Basically, none of the guys speak up, yet people seem to know that Tanner is the one who ran his mouth. Poor Tanner is red as a beet, sweating like a prostitute in church, and about to cry. Why, I have no idea since I wasn’t there. Host Chris gives his explanation in his blog. But basically after weeks of teasing us with, “One of the guys has a girlfriend”, and spending the last 20 minutes talking about it, none of the guys confess to anything and nothing gets resolved. Gee, glad we wasted time on that. Hence the reason I think this was all done for drama’s sake.

-Jillian: “Thanks guys for the discussion. I want to make sure I find who I’m looking for.” Huh? Nothing got resolved, what exactly are you thanking them for? They’re all cowards for basically not saying anything. Tanner is a wuss for not admitting he was the one who ratted someone out, Jillian is equally to blame for not admitting what she knew, and the rest of them are sheep for not answering what fire-breathing Chris Harrison asked them to admit in the first place. That whole scene was ridiculous. On to the roses. Jesse the Kango, Kiptyn the weenie, and Mark your friendly neighborhood pizza boy are already safe with roses.

Reid: Hey, Reid stole my glasses.
Robby: One of the guys who acted pissed he lost out on some Jillian time when she went crying home to mommy because boys were being mean to her.
Ed: Is he going to be on next season of “Grey’s”?
Michael: Yo, yo, yo, what’s the word? Word up.
Wes: Maybe he does have a woman back home.
Jake: Don’t you dare come on this show without the truest intentions. My ripped jeans are so tight right now, it’s cutting off the circulation to my boys.

“Gentleman, Jillian, this is the final rose tonight. When you’re ready. Take your time. I’ll be over here benching 440 and ready to go MMA on these clowns if they don’t step up and be a man.”

Tanner: Of course you gotta keep the Informant around. He’s got all the info.

-So yes, Dave and Juan head home on the same night. Juan basically said nothing good on the way out the door other than he’s a passionate guy, he doesn’t know what happened, and that he doesn’t have a girlfriend back home waiting for him. Maybe not, but notice he didn’t say anything about a boyfriend back home? Ah ha! Busted! As for Dave, totally disappointed in his exit performance. I wanted glasses shattered, fights to break out, and a nice forearm shiver to Juan out the door. Never happened. Dave: “I feel pretty wronged. Jillian made two mistakes. Not telling us who ratted us out and letting me go. She definitely made a mistake. What the f**k, man?” I don’t know Dave, but I can’t wait til you do your conference call with the media this week. I think for the first time I might actually listen in live on one of these and see if I can get a question in. Unless of course ABC decides I’m not a “news” site and doesn’t let me in. Gee, what are the odds of that happening?

On a side note, nice to see Adam Lambert officially admit something we’ve known for the last five months about him. Cover of “Rolling Stone”, snakes hanging around near his crotch area, admitting to everyone he’s gay. Really Adam? Could’ve fooled me. I totally thought you were straight. Maybe next he’ll tell us that the sun rises in the East and sets in the West and that Barack Obama is the new President of the United States. Congrats to him that he officially came out, but that was the least surprising news of this century outside of Paris Hilton having ties to an escort service. Or that David Carradine’s ex’s are now coming out and admitting he was a sexual deviant.

So that’s all for this week. Back Friday with “Reality Roundup”. Would still love any and all feedback related to the merchandise store. We appreciate everyone who has purchased so far, you should be getting your stuff shortly, so please, any questions regarding the stuff, email me steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

I want to first off thank everyone who purchased RealitySteve.com merchandise this week. I wanted to give my readers a quality product at a cheaper price than some of the other pop culture websites out there, and I think I achieved that. Some charge $22 for a box style t-shirt? Unless you’re at a sporting event, do women even wear box style t-shirts anymore? For right now, as you can see in the store, we have none of those. All of these are womens fitted tees and tanks. In the future, we might roll out with a regular t-shirt, but they look so cheap. For now, we like what we rolled out for everyone and would still love all your feedback. We also made it incredibly easy to order. Shouldn’t take you more than two minutes and you don’t even need a PayPal account to do so. Remember, once you receive your merchandise, if you want to be on the site, just take a picture and email it to me, and you will be added to our Flickr account we’re going to set up. The RealitySteve.com merchandise store can be found here:

www.RealitySteve.com/store

As for this week, there are only two shows I want to cover. Most importantly, I’m finally getting around to giving you my thoughts on “Jon and Kate Plus 8″. Also, “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Here” debuted this week as well, and that can mean only one thing: Speidi will infect our TV sets as long as America will have them. I think. Lets get to it.

“Jon and Kate Plus 8″

-As I mentioned previously, I had never seen an episode of this show until it premiered last week. Then again, neither had most people. Which goes to show that controversy = ratings. “The Bachelor” with Jason Mesnick was going along averaging around 10 million viewers an episode last season. Then Reality Steve breaks the news a month early we’re headed for a shocking ending never before seen on the show. Everyone goes nuts, it’s the talk of “Bachelor” world, and twelve days before the finale, I tell everyone what’s going to happen. So how did that affect the ratings? Well, around 11 million tuned in for the 2 hour finale, then another 7 million tuned in for the “ATFR” show where the sh** hit the fan. “J&K Plus 8’s” highest rated show was last seasons finale, which drew 4.6 million viewers. The scandal breaks, they’re on the cover of now SIX consecutive “US Weekly” issues, and the premiere last Monday night drew 9.8 million viewers. So another 5 million people tuned in just because they were curious about all the infidelity rumors. So it amazes me how people say they’re disgusted by these two and by the show now, yet the ratings are going through the roof because of the scandal. We are a society that loves watching other peoples failures, lets face it. Hey, I’m guilty of it. But at least I admit it. There are plenty of those that don’t, and that’s just sad.

-So I tuned in for the premiere knowing that I probably wasn’t going to be satisfied for what I tuned in for. Why? Because the first few episodes of this season (by the way, there’s 40 episodes this season. 40!!! Yeah, there’s no exploiting going on here) were already in the can when the news of Jon’s infidelity and Kate’s rumored infidelity all hit the tabloids. But knowing they had to at least address it, they spent about five minutes in the hour-and-thirteen minute premiere on it. Did they tell us anything? Not really. They just keep reiterating “We’re here for the kids”, and “We’re going through tough times right now”, and “I don’t know where this is going”. Well obviously. They can’t give everything away in the first episode because then nobody would watch. TLC is carefully plotting out this season as to when they’ll get to the good stuff. With 40 episodes set for this season, don’t expect it anytime soon. I mean, five million people who normally don’t watch the show, tuned in to the premiere to see what? The sextuplets 5th birthday party where Jon and Kate didn’t say more than five words to each other? Where’s the fun in that?

-Look, I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here. This family has landed on a gold mine, and they are going to ride it out as long as people keep watching their show, buying Kate’s books, and reading the tabloid magazines. You can whine and moan all you want about child labor laws, and them getting too much coverage, and this is bad for the children blah blah blah, but the only way this show is going off the air is if no one watches. And you and I both know that’s not gonna happen. So quit the bitching about these two and enjoy watching their marriage crumble. Hey, they’re the ones who are choosing to televise all this. Contract or no contract, if they didn’t want to be on television anymore, they don’t have to be. But they do, and they will continue to do so as long as sponsors are giving them free sh** every time they step foot out of the house.

-My only real problem with these two is that I don’t get why they don’t just admit what they’re doing this for. You can’t be bothered by the paparazzi and claim “we’re just a normal family” and say “we didn’t choose this life” when basically, well, yes you did. I find it hilarious now that they’re upset their life is so scrutinized by the media and the paparazzi when they’re bringing it all upon themselves. You don’t want to the paps following you around? Then end your TV show. It’s as simple as that. But that’ll never happen. The minute that TV show goes away, all their freebies from sponsors go away too and god forbid that ever happened. Kate might actually have to pay for another tummy tuck. Jon might actually have to dig into his pockets for another set of hair plugs. This is all very concerning. So in the meantime, lets pretend we’re still married, get paid 50-75k an episode to act like we’re still married, and milk this for all we can. Gotta love reality TV.

-Do I know for a fact Jon is cheating on his wife? No, I don’t. But where there’s smoke, there’s fire. There are too many seedy pictures, and grainy video footage, and in-laws speaking out for there not to be any truth to this. My favorite one is that Jon and Kate separated six months ago, he sleeps in a room out by the garage, and they’re strictly staying together for the show’s purpose. Awesome. Nice family life. I mentioned this a few weeks ago, but regardless of if there’s any truth to these rumors or not, what they’re doing is a joke. If there’s no infidelity whatsoever, and this is just a storyline the show concocted to draw viewers in (which most certainly succeeded), then these two are horrible parents and role models. If there is infidelity going on, and they really are separated and are staying together for the sake of the show, then they’re horrible parents and role models. So either way, I can’t feel sorry for these two. They’ve made their own bed, now they gotta lie in it.

-I also love how both Jon and Kate are claiming the infidelity rumors are completely false, yet in another breath, are telling us it’s a difficult time for them and they are handling things privately. Huh? If there’s no cheating going on, what exactly is so hard here? If all the tabloids reporting false information, and you two are madly in love, and spend every night together, wouldn’t you just say that? They’re speaking out of both sides of their mouths. How come not once has Jon given an explanation to who this 23 year old teacher Deanna Hummel is? Why in the world would she be in a photograph with him in Park City, Utah when he’s out there skiing by himself? You mean, he just brings along 23 year old teachers he’s being rumored to having an affair with just for the fun of it? Why can’t he just come out and say, “This is who she is. This is why she comes over and sunbathes in my yard. This is why I was seen sneaking out of her house at 7:30 in the morning. And this is why she was in Park City, Utah with me when my wife wasn’t.” Don’t you think that would shut a lot of people up? Yet, the more they don’t answer clearly, the more sh** they get, and the more upset they get with the media. How do they not realize they’re the cause of all the negative publicity they’re getting?

-I mean, did you watch that first episode? Sitting as far apart from each other on the couch as they could possibly be, neither one of them ever said they loved each other, and every answer had everything to do with their kids. Ok, we get it. You love your kids and will do anything for them. Great. I would hope that’s what your answer would be. But when you say things like “I don’t know what the future holds”, and “Everything I do is for my kids”, and “This could be our last family photo together”, expect people to continue to bombard you with questions and tabloid coverage. They know exactly what they’re doing here and its pretty disgusting. But hey, its their life and they’ve chosen to go a certain direction with it. But in the meantime, I’ll say this: These episodes are boring. They’ve done four seasons of this? Just a new episode of taking kids to the park, or having a birthday, or playing on the swings? Does anything interesting happen in these episodes? God this show is stupid. Why are people so interested in this family? They seem kinda boring to me. Yes, I understand they have eight kids, including sextuplets which is something you don’t see everyday, but man, I just don’t get it. I’ve seen three episodes and already I want to bash Kate’s face with a frying pan. The fact this guy has agreed to stay married to this woman for 10 years is more miraculous than producing sextuplets, in my mind. As for Jon, lets just say it’s not like he’s Mr. Personality either. Has he ever smiled? Once? I guess I wouldn’t either if I was married to that tyrant. Yuck.

“I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”

-You know what the most amazing thing about Speidi quitting the show three times now and claiming that they’re bigger stars than anyone else on that show and don’t deserve to be there with them is? They’re right. As horrible as it sounds, NBC would be idiotic not to somehow keep Speidi around on that show for the duration. I have no interest in it if they’re not on it, and I can’t stand them. I’m guessing most of America feels the same way. But seriously, would you continue watching a show that surrounds Jon Salley, Janice Dickinson, Frangela, La Bamba, the Baldwin Brothers, an American Idol reject, and Torrie Wilson? I certainly wouldn’t. Whether or not all this quitting by Speidi was staged or not, the bottom line is that show needs them on it to create any interest. Especially if you’re gonna be on four days a week for an hour each time. That’s a hell of a lot to ask people to tune in for with a cast of zeros. Janice Dickinson is the only other “freak factor” on that show worth tuning in to, but the problem is, she’s been on so many other reality shows, we pretty much know her act by now. Speidi outside of their “Hills” element is fascinating to watch. And you think I’m kidding.

-Who doesn’t want to see two rich, spoiled brats dropped into the middle of the Jungle and having to fend for themselves? I brought this up during this past season of “Survivor” when I asked how cool it would be to see a real “celebrity” edition of “Survivor”. Why? Because these people are so pampered, have gobs of money they don’t know what to do with, do nothing for themselves, that I think it would be interesting to see if they are capable of even doing the most basic things in life. See if it changes their perspective on the life that they lead. Right now, of everyone on that show, Speidi is not only the most popular nationally, but they’re also currently making the most money. So yeah, I want to see Spencer eat barely three meals a day, none of which cost “at least $40″ like claimed he eats every day. I think they needed to cast more spoiled rich brats like Speidi to make the show more interesting. Do I really care to see how Jon Salley makes it in the Jungle? No. He’s irrelevant. As are most of the other people. But two white, rich kids from Beverly Hills? Now that’s some good television. The more we see of them out of their element, and the more ridiculousness that comes out of their mouth, the more entertaining the show. Keep it coming, and America, never vote them off.

Back at it on Tuesday after watching Jillian take all the guys back home to Canada. Outstanding. I’m sure a guy like Kiptyn would love to pack up and leave sunny San Diego to live in Canada. Sure he would. We will soon have a photo banner up that links directly to the RealitySteve.com merchandise store, but for the time being, visit it at: www.RealitySteve.com/store. Any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, stories, feedback on the store, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you Tuesday.

Administrator Reality Roundup

Finally, it’s here! The official launch of the RealitySteve.com merchandise store. I want to first thank my best friend and webmaster Erick for the tireless work he’s put in on putting this thing together. I also want to thank our partners at TWENTYth for all the work they’ve done as well. This is something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, and to see it become a reality is very cool. We want any and all feedback that you can give as this is still a work in progress.

Also, I want to thank two former “Bachelor” contestants, Lisa and Michele, for allowing me to use them as my models for the site. You’ll recognize Lisa from “Bachelor: Rome” where she received the first impression rose and made it to the final three before being unceremoniously dumped. Michele was from Brad Womacks season who unfortunately got sent home early due to, well, “falling down the stairs”. However, if you really want to know what happened, head back to the “Dr. Reality Steve” edition where she was the guest columnist. Thanks girls. Great job on the pictures.

A couple things I want to immediately say about the product. First off, if I ever see anyone out and about wearing any RealitySteve.com gear, I will buy you a drink. Of course, people in Dallas and Los Angeles ultimately have a better chance of that happening, but hey, just wanted to throw that out there. Secondly, for all those who purchase products and want to be seen on the site, we will be setting up a Flickr account so that all pictures taken in RealitySteve.com clothing will be added to the photo section if you’d like. All you have to do is take a pic and email to me and it’ll get on there. And lastly, be sure to have those cameras ready because we will periodically have contests where you can win free gear. So without further adieu, you can now purchase RealitySteve.com merchandise at:

www.RealitySteve.com/store

Administrator Reality Roundup, The Bachelor 13 - Jason, The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

-The RealitySteve.com merchandise is officially here. See the above post for all the details, but let me just say it’s been a long couple months trying to get this altogether, but my webmaster and I are very excited to finally present it to you. These are all the products we have now, but we will be adding more in the future. We hope you like it and appreciate any feedback you can give us. The store web address is:

www.RealitySteve.com/store

-Thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes to me on Facebook. I really appreciate it. Had a great weekend in California. Not only did Spiderman sling his web for a couple days, the Hurricane also apparently got released. It’s still being debated at this time what level of Hurricane this was, but for the record, it didn’t destroy anything. Someday maybe I’ll explain what the hell I’m talking about. Took my niece to see “Up” on Sunday afternoon. I have a question: Why aren’t all animated movies in 3-D? They all make a bazillion dollars anyway, so its not like the extra cost would kill them. Just makes the movie look better. And it’s not like “Up” had a bunch of stuff flying into your face the whole time either. Animated movies just look better in 3-D. I wonder if this will start a trend. Just wasn’t too jazzed about sitting in the third row. Yuck. Not like my niece cared. She downed popcorn and a slurpee like it was her last meal. I think she liked the movie even though she fell asleep in the last ten minutes. She is now 5-for-5 in falling asleep at movies Uncle Stephen takes her to.

-In case you missed my note in Thursday’s “Reality Roundup” column, I mentioned that the “Bachelorette’s” ratings were in the toilet last week. Had 9 million the first week and only 6 million last week. Granted, I did forget to mention that you gotta take into account last Monday was a holiday. Regardless, ABC can’t be too pleased that only two weeks in, and they lost a third of their audience from the premiere, which was obviously helped along by a “DWTS” finale lead-in. I think it’s safe to say that Jillian has ZERO star quality whatsoever. Nice girl, cute, and seems normal, but there’s just no “wow” factor surrounding her at all. I just don’t think many people care about her. Probably cuz’ she’s Canadian and likes her milk to come in a bag instead of carton. Or her money has the face of someone from another country on it. That’s impressive. She’s not even your queen yet she’s on your money? How’s that work? I think America should put Kim Jong-Il on the $20 bill now so we can be more like Canada. On to the good stuff.

-Host Chris looking quite dapper yet again in his shirt from Nordstroms says that there will be three dates this week: two 1-on-1 dates, and a group date. And once again, a rose is up for grabs on each date. I can’t remember which season they started that whole routine but it’s not even interesting anymore. We know that certain guys are chosen specifically for certain dates to either keep around (so we can establish a connection earlier with the bachelor/ette), or eliminate to weed out the people with no chance. Whatever the case, Ed gets the first 1-on-1 date and Jillian picks him up in a helicopter, which has become an institution on this show. Outside of the dude on the new “90210″ who took Annie to San Francisco on their first date, there isn’t a chance in hell anyone reading this column has ever been on, or taken anyone on, a helicopter ride for a first date. So immediately, the gushing begins by both of them how exciting helicopter rides are. Jillian: “The last helicopter ride I was on was with Jason.” How’d that turn out for ya’? Good times? Develop any sorta connection? What’s he up to these days? Oh yeah, that’s right. Falling off the face of the earth without a rope.

-Jillian informs us she likes her new company. Jillian: “Today I’m gonna be with big, strong, bulky, hunky Ed.” Is she looking at the same person we are? Later on when they jumped in the pool he looked more short and dumpy than anything. Some people emailed me last week saying Ed reminded them of Jeffrey Dean Morgan in a way after I had said he’s a cross between Jeremy Piven and Robert Downey Jr. Well, considering Jeffery Dean Morgan looks like a cross between those two as well, let’s just say Ed is now a combination of all three: Ed Dean Piven Jr. Same difference. It’s all the same guy. Except while this Ed is trying to win over some quirky midget Canadian, Jeffrey Dean Morgan gets to bang Katherine Heigl sort of. I haven’t seen an episode of “Grey’s” since season 1, but I hear about what goes on. His ghost? Really? And that’s what chicks are into? Well, that and vampires apparently. If I see/hear/read about anything else related to “Twilight”, “New Moon”, or “Robert Pattinson’s ghostly white features”, it won’t be soon enough. No, I haven’t read a word of any of the books or seen the movie and I plan on keeping it that way. There are just some things in this world that will forever go unexplained. Freddie Prinze Jr. being cast on “24″ next season when his last meaningful acting gig had him an ascot and driving the “Mystery Machine”, and America’s obsession with vampires all the sudden.

-I thought the repelling down an LA building on the first date was actually pretty cool. But once I saw that they were repelling down at a speed equivalent to how long it takes me to drive from here to the moon, the date really lost its luster. Geez, could they have gone any slower? I understand neither of them are trained stuntmen, but that was a joke. I wonder if all those people helping them get roped in before they went down were all the script writers for the show? Which one was the guy who came up with last seasons brilliant idea of having Jason pretend he changed his mind? Congrats to him. He did well, as almost 18 million that watched the finale will prove. However, unless someone can pull something out of their ass this season, I don’t think we’re headed for much of a finale with fireworks. Host Chris did tweet yesterday that “Jillian is the happiest she’s been in a long time.” Yeah, probably because the season is finally done filming and she realizes what a bore the whole thing was. If it wasn’t for David the serial killer, I don’t know what we’d be talking about this season.

-After repelling down at the speed of not light, they ended up jumping into a pool and hanging out. Ed first wanted to tell her how special he felt. Ed: “I love that I popped your helicopter cherry.” Wow. How kinky. You are quite the wordsmith, Eddie Dean Piven Jr. Such a romantic the way you compared repelling down the side of building with the first time some Canuck forced himself on top of her in their igloo. Wait, she’s from Alberta, so what do we call those people besides rednecks? A lot of people email me and ask, “Why don’t they ever show them talking about important issues, like politics or religion? These conversations are so lame.” That’s true. They are. And they don’t ever show them talking about stuff like that because, frankly, I don’t think people want to hear that. I know I’d be bored by it. And considering this season is already boring as it is, I really could not care less what Jillian’s political views are or where she worships. I’m sure once she narrows it down she actually talks to the guys about it, but, they just choose not to air it, and rightfully so. Probably the only smart thing they do on this show.

-Jillian and Ed’s conversation in the pool? Jillian: “So after a crazy day at work, what do you do to unwind?” Ed’s answer was he’s really having a hard time balancing out his work life with his personal life. Translation: Ed doesn’t get out much and probably masturbates at an alarming rate to the point where he might be going blind. Hell, I don’t know. If he couldn’t answer that question, then their relationship is already in trouble. Here Ed, I’ll tell you what I do to unwind after a crazy day at work, then you can just use my answer free of charge. Oh wait, I don’t have crazy days at work since I work from home. Well, here’s what I do anyway. Sleep, eat, watch crappy reality shows, walk Maddie, and then eat a bowl of cereal before bed. See. Simple. To the point. I don’t think you need to come up with some grand answer that you expect to blow her socks off with. What do most people do after a crazy day of work? They come home and relax. What’d you expect him to say? Stupid question.

-Ed: “I didn’t know much about Jillian coming into this.” Probably a good thing, buddy. Don’t think you’re missing out on too much. I mean, we don’t even know much about her other than she’s Canadian, works in interior design, and probably owns a dogsled and eats whale blubber. Probably like hockey too since I think it’s the law you’re a hockey fan if you live in Canada. By the way, nice performance in the last Olympics. Oh Canada. How we love our neighbors to the north. So since he knew nothing about her coming in to this, Jillian puts him on the spot and tells him to ask her anything that he wants. Ed being such a creative mind, and remember, not knowing anything about her, decides to ask if he’s getting a rose tonight. Genius really. I can see these two are connecting on many different levels. All of which revolve around, ummmm, nothing that I can put my finger on. They made out in the pool, Ed is a workaholic, and he knows nothing about her. Seems like quite the pair these two make. Let’s send them to the altar now.

-The group date is up next where they will be going to a Western movie shoot. Great, another one of these. Look, it happened last season when Jason took the girls to the “General Hospital” set, and I didn’t think it could get worse than that. Well, it did last night. These horribly acted, cheesy scripted lines, and forced kissing is just dumb. It’s like a 5th grade play they’re putting on. Despite all of that going on, ABC could’ve at least saved themselves by having Michael and Tanner as the gay cowboys. It was right there in their hands for the taking, and they completely dropped the ball. Michael and Tanner could’ve had their moment to shine, they could’ve gotten the ball rolling on a “Brokeback Mountain” sequel, but no. They pair Michael with Mike in a gay cowboy scene and ruin everyone’s moment. Michael and Tanner could’ve been up for an Emmy this season if they would’ve just been paired together. Best Supporting Actors in a Horribly Scripted Reality Show with a Boring Lead.

-Just like how Jason got to essentially make out with every girl during his filming, Jillian did the same. Except her tongue stayed in her mouth. I don’t know why these guys were constantly talking about what great kisses these were when not once did anyone’s tongue come in view of the camera. As we learned last season, that’s apparently not allowed on television. Apparently that was ok with Brad since his kiss couldn’t have been more awkward if he tried. I guess he kisses everyone with his arms at his side and standing upright as a board. Yet apparently he thought his skills would bring Jillian to climax. Brad: “There’s bad ass, and super bad ass. I’m ultra bad ass.” I’d say more like ultra-douchey. That was embarrassing. And you were the one bitching last week she picked Wes over you for the dinner date? Please. Grow a pair. I have no idea what your relationship past is like, but I’m guessing it’s pretty non-existent. Go practice on your pillow or in the mirror. That should do the trick. If not, join Michael and Tanner in their quest for love with the same sex.

-So it seemed like Jillian kissed every guy there at least once and has now surpassed all records for most guys kissed. Yeah, this is the chick who was completely insulted in her conference call before the season started when asked if she slept with Jason on her overnight date, yet, she has kissed every single guy she’s had a 1-on-1 date with or had for some alone time. Maybe she’s not as innocent as she wants us to believe. She certainly has no qualms about letting guys check out her tonsils, so I’m sure she has no problems letting them check under the hood either. See, I can make assumptions like that because I’m a guy and, well, that’s what we do. Oh yeah, they didn’t show any scenes with her and Wes, but, he did pull her aside to tell her essentially that he was this seasons Graham. Didn’t Graham let DeAnna know that he wasn’t interested in tonguing her after it had been in six other guys mouths that day? Wes just left Jillian with a kiss on the cheek and foreshadowed we’d be hearing his completed redneck song some time later on. Oh boy. Can’t wait. I’ll be sure to set my recorder and download it to itunes. I don’t know how else to put it, but that song blows. And it’s getting way too much exposure. Hey, just like he planned it.

-I really hope they do away with these fake movie or TV shoots in future seasons. They are so not watchable. They’re not the least bit funny, no one can act, and we know the only reason they do it is so that the lead can kiss everyone on the date to create drama. So the Mike and Michael scene was supposed to make me laugh when all they did was steal lines from “Brokeback Mountain”? Really? Lame. Go back to doing other dates like, oh I don’t know, ones that involve hot tubs. So after shooting the worst Western movie ever made, it’s time for the wrap party at a hotel. Reid wants some alone time, which he gets, only to be asked about his ex’s by Jillian. Reid says he’s been in love 1.5 times in his life, which ironically, is 1.5 times more than Brad has with something other than his right hand. Reid is feelin’ it with Jillian, and just about as he’s gonna become her sloppy 10ths tonight, here comes gay Juan strolling in to compliment her on her style of dress or the way she’s parting her hair tonight.

-Gay Who-ahn is a beauty. Oh, he’s definitely gay all right. That’s confirmed after last nights performance. Why is this guy constantly going overboard with the compliments? If it’s not about her hair, it’s about her eyes. If it’s not her eyes, it’s how the moon glistening off the water makes her skin so radiant. Just a creepy, creepy guy. Then he laid this one on her. Who-ahn: “All I care about is what you think and what you care about.” I think Jillian actually feels really safe with Juan. Why? Probably because he has a vagina just like her. She doesn’t feel threatened at all by a chick who’s more feminine than her. These two could be the next Thelma and Louise and go on road trips together man bashing, tearing up the town, and having their cycles link up. And I would highly encourage them to drive off a cliff together as well. Seems Who-ahn has found his soulmate in Jillian. Now it’s time these two chicks start a life together.

-Of course, right after Juan and Jillian’s scene together, it’s imperative that ABC gives us a shot back at the house of David the Angry AA member talking more about how he’s gonna Juan’s ass for being fake. We get it David. You don’t like him. Crushing more vodka is making Dennis Rodman jealous. At this point, David is about .15 I’m guessing. Hell, he just called Jillian “Julien” before correcting himself. This is a sign of things to come. He is a complete mess and in full serial killer mode as we speak. The other thing we find out when they film the boys not on the group date, is that Sasha is getting the next 1-on-1. The card reads: “Sasha, can you handle my curves?” Ummm, what curves? I understand the play on words since their date was going to involve driving around LA in expensive cars, but, well, that’s the last phrase I’d use to describe her. Curvy? No. Fur trading lumberjack? Sure.

-To end the night, they all jumped in the jacuzzi. Robby took her away for some alone time and, shocker, she kissed him. Apparently all you need is a pulse for Jillian to kiss you. And wouldn’t you know it, when they’re back in the jacuzzi, Tanner P. is mauling her feet again. “I’m here to suck on some toes and I’m here to meet some Jillian.” Don’t forget you’re also here to make an ass of yourself on national television. I don’t know what to make of this guy. Sure, he’s creepy, but there’s no way that his act is real. He’s being put up to this and is strictly on this show because they want the comedic value he brings. No guy is that obsessed with womens feet. No way. And he’s going completely overboard with it every time they show him, which means he’s being told to embellish things, thus making it unfunny at this point. Whatever the case, Robby ends up getting the rose because apparently the other ten guys she kissed weren’t better than him. Then they all got to rewatch the awful Western movie they made earlier in the day. Please. Just burn that film right now. I highly doubt the AFI is gonna come looking for that piece of work. It’s hilarious how hypocritical it is of her to go off on some reporter for asking what she termed an “inappropriate” question regarding any relations she had with Jason, when she’s signing up to do the show herself and basically be forced to be sexual with tons of guys. What does she expect?

-Time for Sasha’s date and he’s pretty impressed with, well, himself. “I’m one of the more well rounded individuals here.” That’s still to be determined. Yet any guy who greets his first date by slapping two low-fives with her must be taken seriously. Did you catch how Sasha and Jillian slapped hands when she showed up, yet she hugged and got kisses from the other guys. Yeah, and this was Sasha’s date. No, totally couldn’t tell where this date was headed. Or wasn’t headed. These two are headed to an auto show museum. Wow! An auto show museum?!!!! That’ll be so much fun! They can walk around and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Maybe because it said in the script, “Tonight Jillian sends Sasha home because we don’t have any plans for him” that he got stuck with the boring 1-on-1 date, but seriously, whoever planned that night out should be fired. Yes, apparently Jillian loves cars. And westerns. And country music. All things she is constantly telling us. Does she really love them or does she love them because that’s what’s being planned for her? Oh wait, she’s from Alberta. They apparently like all things redneck-y so I guess Jillian is in her element now.

-So these two take a Ferrari for a spin around L.A. and Jillian is getting all giddy every time Sasha steps on the gas. Sounded kinky, but it wasn’t. didn’t look like Sasha ever broke the speed limit considering they were on the side streets. Of course, all the fun came to a crashing halt when at dinner, Sasha recalls the time he was once crushed by a car. Yes, the common tale of the 18 year old driver, gets in an accident, and a car falls on his back and crushes his pelvis. He was in the hospital forever, almost paralyzed, but has made it out a better man, and now doesn’t take life for granted, lives one day at a time, yada yada yada. Good for him. Thanks for the uplifting story of the night. I’m sure that really got Jillian’s insides all squishy. How about you tell us how they fed you through tubes and you urinated in a bag while you’re at it? Look, I get he wanted to share his most life changing moment with her, but really? On the first date? Kinda depressing.

-Then of course from that, he jumps to “If I found the right person, I’d get married and have kids the next day.” A little too eager if you ask me. He tells Jillian he’s told three women in his life he’s loved them, but realizes now he was never in love and has never been heartbroken. Uhhhh, ok. He’s searching for that “mythical unicorn” and won’t settle for just anyone. He has certain expectations for himself and he plans to live up to it. Well, I guess that answers why he’s still single. Too picky. With a name like Sasha, your pickings are already slim. And wasn’t Jeremy the one who originally brought up “unicorns” during DeAnna’s season? I think he was. Why is Sasha stealing his thunder? Does Jeremy get residuals from this? I can honestly say that I’ve never personally referred to any female I was dating or was interested in as a “unicorn”. How cool would you be if you were a unicorn? I mean, you’re a horse, but you’ve got a spike sticking out of your head. In Brad’s world, that would make you an “ultra bad ass”. Unicorns don’t get enough love in this world. Oh wait, they’re fake? Really? Am I just losing my mind or did I actually think unicorns existed? Or do they? I’m completely confused. Here’s what I’m saying: Until I just wrote this, I was under the assumption unicorns existed. Then when I was writing I realized maybe they’re fake. And now I honestly don’t know. I’m a complete moron that I have no idea if unicorns are real. Rough weekend.

-Back to reality, or what he is pawned off on us as reality. So Sasha asks Jillian, “How do you think we connected?” Jillian: “You know what unicorn boy, you stay right there. Let me get the rose and answer that question.” Uh, oh. Kiss of death. Basically, Sasha gets shot down because Jillian feels he hasn’t gone through enough relationship wise to warrant a rose from her. He’s never been dumped nor has he really been in love. “I just don’t think I can meet your expectations.” Good one, Jill. Put it all on him so it makes you feel better. How about the real reason? “Uhhhh, you weren’t one of the pre-selected final four or five, so, I gotta send you home.” Funny that Jillian dumps Sasha for being a heartbreaker and worried about him never being dumped, yet, she’s keeping Kiptyn around who admittedly has never been dumped. Very fair.

-Jillian is crying as she sends Sasha away on public transportation. When did this trend start? Bad enough the guy just got embarrassed getting dumped by a 5 foot Canadian, you can’t even send a town car to come pick him up? Brutal. Jillian is now upset: “I just don’t like to hurt people.” Gee, then you kinda came on the wrong show sweetcakes. She also says this is the toughest decision she’s had to make. And you know what? Next week she’ll say the same thing. Followed by the next week, and then the next week. I highly doubt letting Sasha the unicorn go will be the most difficult thing you do this season. Please.

-Of course, when Jillian gets home, it’s time for Wes to finally release his long awaited debut single for her. Of course, this single only has one note and, from what we’ve seen, about two lines to it. It took him that long to write this song, yet, all we hear are the same two lines over and over again. What a horrible song writer. At least he can have a job next year writing the “American Idol” finale song. And if this song is so important to him and needs to be played for Jillian, why does he keep starting over? Finish the damn song. Jillian invited him upstairs so he could sing to her in person or something. Or because she was told to. One or the other. I think it’s very clear at this point three episodes in why Wes is on this show. Jillian actually did an interview yesterday with TVGuide.com and was asked if she thought Wes was on the show to promote his music career. Here’s what she said:

“Will Wes’ career benefit from this? I think absolutely. Did he come on the show just for his career? Maybe. I think he’s there for the right reasons but I think he’s got some other things to figure out.”

Yeah, so in case you didn’t know, Wes isn’t the final one. Hate to ruin anything for you, but hey, couldn’t help it. The fact that Jillian even answered the way she did was somewhat surprising. Basically she admits that he’s not the final one which is probably something she’s not allowed to do. And she didn’t even shoot down possible rumors that he’s there to promote his career. Also in the same interview, she was asked, “Now the guy that you ultimately picked, have we seen him show us something special yet?” Here was her response:

“I think so, but, ummmm, I think that everyone has their own opinion of who that last guy is right now. But no, ummmm, I would say I’d wait a few more episodes maybe.”

Well it sounds to me like whoever she’s picked really hasn’t been featured that much at this point, and knowing who the final four or five is, I think I can narrow it down to who she’s talking about. Shouldn’t be too hard.

-Final cocktail hour and this is where things get a little crazy. Reid is up first with Jillian and asks her why he didn’t get a rose last night. Of course, she danced around the question and basically ended it with, “Well, if I had two roses to give, you would’ve gotten the second one.” Uh huh. Sure he would’ve. Way to let the guy down easy. Reid is really starting to remind me of someone and I can’t place my finger on it. Man, it’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t quite figure it out. Dammit. I’m sure I’ll remember at 3:00 in the morning on a Wednesday for no reason. Usually the way it happens with me. That along with crazy ass dreams about people I haven’t seen in years. And since Facebook has come along, my dreams have had tons of high school people show up in them for no reason other than I added them, or they added me, as a friend that day. Totally bizarre how that works. I haven’t thought about that person since the day I graduated, now they’re showing up in my dreams. I wonder what that means? I swear, my dreams about high school outweigh dreams on any other topic by about a 10-to-1 margin. It’s not even close. Well, there’s one other dream subject I get quite frequently. I just figured that was a given.

-Time for Mount David to begin eruption. Let’s make one thing clear at this point: David has been drunk in every scene so far this episode. I mean, REALLY drunk. You can tell by his speech, his tone, and the fact that it’s been taking him about ten seconds to complete a blink. Never a good sign. So Jillian pulls him aside and David isn’t too thrilled with the fact he got the first impression rose yet has only been on one group date. AA David: “I’m kind of used to being the top dog.” Why not just tell her you have many leather bound books and your apartment smells of rich mahogany? At least David isn’t struggling in the self-esteem department. Wow. Nice line. I’m sure you’re a delight with the ladies. He claims he got five minutes with her before Juan steps in to interrupt. Once again, yet another thing that was completely staged. The producers knew David was drunk, knew he wanted time with Jillian, and knew he hated Juan. Without a doubt, 100%, Juan was told to interrupt those two just so they could get more footage of Mount David reaching his boiling point.

-Gay Who-ahn is back at it with his book of compliments. “I’ve seen you in plenty of different outfits and I’ve never seen you look bad.” Then he says something in Spanish to her which translates to “I think you’re marvelous.” Marvelous? When was the last time anyone described anything as marvelous, let alone a woman? Mr. Sensitive here is a complete tool who is trying waaaaaay too hard. “I think you’re marvelous?” Really? I can’t imagine that would work on any woman under the age of 60. Juan and Jillian really need to escape the madness of the mansion, put scarfs over their hair, take off in a beat up ol mustang, and let the good times roll. I think regardless of if Jillian finds love on this show or not, she has a new girlfriend this season in Who-ahn, the marvelous gay sidekick they cast just for this season.

-So we go from creepy to creepier when Tanner steps up to the plate next. This guy is a complete basket case. “I want to make a connection with her feet. She has beautiful feet. I wanna kiss em’, touch em’, suck em’, rub em’, feel em’, tweeze em’, I’m that in love with them.” I thought he said “squeeze em’”, but nope, I went back just to make sure and he said “tweeze em’”. Ok, pal. Have fun doing that. The fact that this guy has spent such an inordinate amount of time obsessed with Jillians feet, makes me think he’s either gay, or being paid handsomely to do this. And the worst part? Jillian says later that the more time she spends with Tanner, the more COMFORTABLE she feels with him. Huh? I figured by now she’d be filing restraining orders against the guy. Is it possible to tell someone they need to stay 100 yards away from your feet at all times? And this guy Tanner lives here in Dallas? I gotta find out his story. What a circus clown he’s turned himself into this season. You could do a whole clip show just based off his foot fetish comments. It’s way overdone and so over-the-top at this point, I can’t possibly take him seriously. Yet, apparently Jillian can and loves the attention she’s getting. Well, her feet at least. I can’t think of one meaningful dialogue these two have had.

-But the story of the final cocktail hour was obviously the battle of David vs Juan. The Ego vs Thelma. AA meets Hair Styling school. David has a group of guys around him, and in his most inebriated state, asks the other guys if they think Juan is here for the right reasons. When they say no, he then berates them for not telling Jillian that. Huh? David has completely lost it. I don’t even know what kind of argument he’s trying to make. I guess that’s what happens when you’re drunk. You don’t make sense. Juan steps outside because he hears David talking about them. Uhhh, not a good idea. David: “Juan, go back inside. We’re talking about you.” So the pansy turns around and goes back inside. Then comes out seconds later to confront David. Oh boy. You don’t want to do this young man. He doesn’t know what David’s problem is, and after David babbles on about how he doesn’t like him, thinks he’s fake, knows he didn’t drink his shot last week, he leaves him with these parting words never to be forgotten in “Bachelor/ette” history: “Stop bein’ a cheese ass.” Personally, I would’ve gone with cheesedick, but hey, who am I to argue with Mount David? He’d blow about a .42 at this point, so hide the women and sharp objects before a homicide occurs. I mean jeez David. Get some alcohol in you already. You are a going 120 mph in a school zone right about now. I am just waiting, and praying, that we get the most famous drunk line ever out of David’s mouth at some point this season. The one line that every drunk bully says in every fight/confrontation/bitch slap he’s ever been in. “You think you’re better than me?” You know it’s coming.

-Rose Ceremony time. Thank God. David is about to wet himself just over the site of Juan. Jillian: “Tonight is tough. The more I speak to each of you, I realize that I’m the luckiest girl in the world. You bring out the best in me. Juan, you’re the best sister anyone can ever have. David, I think a 12 step process should’ve started, like, yesterday.”

Jake: I don’t think we got one word from the guy this episode.
Reid: Quietly under the radar at this point.
Mark: I have no idea who this guy is. And why would we when it’s the David/Juan show every week.
Jesse: He can join Mark in the Bachelors Anonymous club.
Tanner P. Either the best actor this show has cast, or a complete lunatic. Still deciding.
Wes: Someone should take that guitar and smash it over his head like the Honky Tonk Man used to do back in the day.
Juan: There is nothing stronger than the friendship bond of two women.
Michael: After breakdancing the first night, he’s disappeared. Probably a good thing.
Kiptyn: The heartbreaker lasts another week. And another. And another. And another.
Mkie: Speedo last week. Supporting role this week.

“Gentleman, Jillian. This is the final rose tonight. If she doesn’t give this David, everyone immediately run under a door or jump in the tub. We’re expecting an earthquake of epic proportions.”

David: The guy seriously could barely stand up when receiving his rose. The alcohol on his breath wilted the rose before he even got back to where he was standing.

-So Tanner and Brad are the two that are leaving us tonight. Tanner, apparently you can’t get by on name alone. You need to develop a psychotic foot fetish for Jillian to pay attention to you. Tanner: “I hope she doesn’t make the same mistake Jason made.” Don’t worry. I’m sure she will. That’s what this show is for. To help someone pick the wrong person. As for Brad, he was completely broken up about the whole thing. When you love someone more than they love you, it’s tough.” Huh? You loved her? Brad, go get some help. “I’ll just go back to being a drifter. I don’t think anyone can relate to me.” The final shot we see of Brad is of him slitting his wrists. Good riddance.

So that’s all for this week. The merchandise store is a work in progress. I’ve put in a couple orders and it’s worked for me, so, it shouldn’t be too much trouble. Very easy to navigate and order. I would love all your feedback on what you think of the products, anything else you’d like to see, and whatever else you can think of. We are open to suggestions since this is a new venture for us. As I said, we’re extremely happy with our product, we hope you like it, and we want to give you the readers the best possible service for all your loyalty. So please, any questions regarding the stuff, email me steve@realitysteve.com. See you Friday.

Administrator The Bachelorette 5 - Jillian

I’m making this short because I promised you a column, but I procrastinated and waited til the last minute, and now I have a flight in 8 hours and I haven’t packed yet. I was gonna spend a majority of this column on “Jon and Kate Plus 8″, but with what seems like a new story breaking every day, I want to have more time to devote to it since it’s getting completely out of hand and I want to address every single story/rumor out there. In short, I’ll say these two are money whores and I can’t believe some of the sh** that comes out of their mouth. And yes, I still haven’t seen an episode yet. Haven’t watched Monday’s premiere still. I’ll do it when I get back. With that said, TLC is giddy that Monday’s premiere drew 9.6 million viewers, double the amount they’ve had on any other episode in show history. Gee, didn’t think it had to do with all this media attention, do you? Nahhhhhhh. Let’s get to it.

“The Hills”

-Once again, this show never seems to disappoint in how incredibly fake it is. You can pick out a number of scripted moments from this weeks show, but most notably, was Heidi showing up at Lauren’s work inviting her to the wedding. Couldn’t have been a more forced conversation if they tried. Don’t believe me? Here’s what Lauren had to say when asked about how they brought them together for this weeks episode:

“What they didn’t get is that I didn’t want to fight with her anymore. It’s hard to look at somebody who used to be your best friend and say, ‘We can’t be friends. Too much has happened.’ I’m trying to move on, but they won’t let me. And when someone keeps pushing you into the same position well, you get upset.”

Good stuff. Nice to see Lauren going out the way she wanted to go out. You won’t be missed Lauren considering you have the most boring life of any of the characters on that show.

-Pretty funny how in the previews for next weeks finale, we see Kristin Cavallari showing up late to the wedding and Lauren acting all surprised and bothered she’s there? Huh? Lauren, didn’t you read your script that morning? Quit pretending you didn’t know she was gonna be in the finale so they can make the smooth transition for her to be in next season. Didn’t you ask for one of the season 5 scripts where they have her and Justin Bobby hitting it off? Kristin has all but admitted, she’s single, and she came back to the show because they know she’ll have no problem causing trouble, dating a bunch of different guys, and speaking her mind. Essentially, everything they’re telling her to do to create drama. How much you wanna bet Lauren makes an appearance at some point next season? I mean, are we really gonna have a storyline involving Lo if Lauren isn’t involved? I didn’t think that was possible.

-As for Spencers apology to Lauren, I found that hilarious. Didn’t this guy swear up and down on his grave when this whole Lauren sex tape story broke that he and Heidi had nothing to do with it? Now he basically just brushes over it in one sentence in his conversation? Isn’t that kind of a big deal? This guy told every tabloid mag, every radio DJ, and anyone who would listen he had nothing to do with the rumor. He would blame Brody, he would blame Jason Wahler, hell, I think he blamed me at some point. But this guy constantly would tell all his haters to shut up, it wasn’t him. He would never even bother to stoop to that level, yet, this week we get a full admission of it like it was no big deal. Very bizarre. Way to handle that one, Spence. And if that’s really the case and he’s not just doing that for the cameras, how does that make Heidi look who constantly stood by him saying he never did that. If Lauren and Heidi’s biggest problem is Spencer, and Lauren has hated Heidi for two seasons now for this very incident of him spreading rumors about a sex tape, and now he admits to it, what the hell would Heidi still be doing with the guy? Oh wait, I forgot. They’re paid to be together. Oops.

“RW/RR Challenge: Duel 2″

-I haven’t watched last nights episode yet, so I can’t comment on it, but I am thoroughly enjoying seeing a rookie do so well in one of these things. I love how all the veterans with no lives outside of these challenges, all have some sort of rookie hazing period with people who have only done one or two challenges as opposed to the 15 that they’ve done because they can’t get a real job in the workplace or in Hollywood. Yet there’s Brittany and Landon killing it in every challenge and beating everyone’s ass. You notice how Landon likes a little cream in his coffee? If I remember correctly, during his season in Philadelphia, he was always attracted to non-white women. Perfectly fine. Whatever floats your boat Landon. He just comes across as so cornfed, white, Wisconsin boy, it’s surprising he likes anything that doesn’t have blonde hair and big boobs.

-Have we been told exactly who wins this thing and how? I don’t think I saw the first season of the “Duel”, so I’m clueless. Is it one girl and one guy? Are they teams at the end? Or is it just one person takes home all the prize money? Seems to me it must be one guy and one girl since Brad and what’s-her-face keep talking about how they’re in this together and how important winning this money would be. Of course it would. Certainly going back and being no-names in your hometowns isn’t good enough anymore, you need to stock up on all the Bose speakers and Kicker 2’s that you can. Strike while the iron is hot my friends. Which will probably be for a while, since like I said last week, they could do this show until the year 3000 and it’d never get old.

“RW: Cancun”

-So MTV decided to release a trailer plus a press release about the next season of the “Real World”, which takes place in Cancun, and airs towards the end of June. How appropriate. Unbelievable it took them 19 season to get down there. Courtesy of RealityBlurred.com, here is a summary of the new cast:

Ayiiia, who’s 21 and was selected by viewers at realworldcasting.com. She has “a viciousness that alienates the other roommates” and “is a reformed party girl with a history of drug abuse and cutting.” MTV’s casting people are at it again. “History of drug abuse and cutting? Well come on down to Cancun! We’d love to have you as part of our loving family!” Any chick with three I’s in her name is definitely gotta be a little off kilter. I think Ayiiia should drop a vowel and become a recluse. Will definitely pick a fight, or ten, with a roommate this season and it won’t be pretty.

Bronne, who’s 21 and “is the resident comic,” MTV says, and he’s so crazy that he will “often get naked to just break up fights, or maybe just to show off the physique he gained while on the Penn State varsity boxing team.” He also has “impulsive behavior” and is “the first roommate to make out with a woman old enough to be his mother’s older sister.” So he’s Tek from the “RW: Hawaii”? And the guy likes hooking up with GILFS. Outstanding. Should be another winner.

CJ, “an NFL free agent punter” who “would be a devout Christian if it weren’t for his sexual drive” and “takes pride in his hot body,” and apparently gets mocked for his metrosexuality. That might be my favorite line in the whole press release. “would be a devout Christian if it weren’t for his sex drive”. Kinda like saying would be an Abercrombie and Fitch model if not for his love of food. I really hope this guy doesn’t try to throw around his NFL status to get laid. Dude, you’re a punter. You practice off to the side with the placekicker stretching each others hamstrings while the rest of the real players have to deal with two-a-days. Calling yourself a football player would be like calling Mischa Barton an actress. It’s marginal at best.

Derek is 21 and “the resident nice guy,” in addition to being the resident gay guy. MTV says “all the roommates love him” even though he is “not afraid to be brutally honest about anything and everything.” He’s a super overachiever, the “president of the student council, captain of the basketball and track teams, and valedictorian of his graduating class,” and “[has] ex-boyfriend baggage that seems to follow him around, even to Cancun.” A gay guy is the captain of the basketball team? That’s a new one. All the others are understandable, but that one is a bit of a surprise. And what “Real World” season wouldn’t be complete with ex-boyfriend baggage? Isn’t that a requirement every season now? Either that or transsexualism. Derek shouldn’t worry about dealing with the ex when he’ll have a whole new slate of fresh hogs to go after in Cancun.

Emilee is a 21-year-old “sensitive girl who can let her emotions get the best of her, but as the daughter of therapists, she is also on of the few people in the house who is looking to learn and grow and change as a result of every new situation,” MTV says. She’ll be the resident Paula Walnuts this season. She’ll either end up learning the most out of this situation, or she’ll be straight jacketed at some point. It’s up to you Emilee. The ball is in your court.

Jasmine, 22, is five feet tall and weighs 95 pounds, and has “the absolute worst taste in men and always chooses unreliable players who treat her like dirt,” MTV says. She’s also a “former competitive cheerleader [who] thrives to be the center of attention, especially if other women are around.” 5 feet 95 lbs? So she’s a spinner? Hmmmm, so she’s Jenn from RW: Denver? So that means she plays for both teams. Outstanding. I think the city of Denver is still recovering from all the diseases Jenn passed around. Lets see if Jasmine can top her down in Cancun. We’re all pullin’ for ya’, Jasmine. If not, with a name like that, the pole is definitely in your future.

Joey, 22, “is the tall, skinny, tattooed rocker with the bad boy charm” and is “relentless in his pursuit of the women in Cancun and hopes to be the first roommate to hook-up.” He’s also “had more than a few bouts with excessive drinking, which will eventually become a problem in Cancun.” He plays guitar in a band called Late Nite Wars “and claims to have actually seen a UFO.” So how many seconds into this season will Joey and Jasmine be giving each other STD’s? First scene? Second scene? Once everyone has called dibs on their room? Think MTV had a hard time casting Joey? An excessive drinker, yet, lets bring him down to live in Cancun for 4 months. Awesome. How about next season you go with “RW: South Central” and cast a recovering heroin and crack addict? I’m sure that’ll help them rehabilitate themselves. Joey will punch someone, or something, this season. I know. Really going out on a limb there.

Jonna, 20, is multi-racial and has a boyfriend to whom she “swears from day one that she’ll remain true,” according to MTV. She “is trying to stay focused and shake her promiscuous past, but she can’t help flirting, which turns on the guys in the house and pisses off the girls.” Oooohhhh, this means chick fighting this season. Jonna and Jasmine are gonna be at each others throats battling for Joey’s dong. And lets all place bets right now on the odds that Jonna stays faithful to her boyfriend. When she’s on the “Real World”. And it’s in Cancun. Jonna, you might as well just give up the ass the second you walk into the house since there ain’t a chance in hell you’re staying faithful. Especially when you’re a giant flirt. There’s names for women like you. One being a c**ktease. Have fun with that.

“The Bachelorette”

-I hope all of you saw that the “Bachelorette’s” ratings are a joke. The premiere episode got 9 million viewers. Not bad. Decent also considering it was going up against the DWTS finale and “24″ finale. This week, going up against nothing really important including a lot of repeats? 6 million. The consensus is this season is boring. Which it is. Look, Jillians a nice girl, she’s a cute girl, but she has ZERO star quality about her and just isn’t made out for this show. This show needed Melissa as the “Bachelorette”. After what happened to her, waaaaay more people would’ve been interested in watching her season. When she turned it down, they were screwed, and now they’re suffering the consequences. 6 million people already in Week 2? Jason’s ATFR show which aired right after the finale drew close to 18 million. That shows you how little people care about Jillian and her sixteen douchenozzles left. Wow.

I will see you all Tuesday when the next “Bachelorette” column returns and the launch of the merchandise store is official. Can’t wait to see family and friends this weekend, looking forward to the Peter Parker/Spiderman transition, and can’t wait to turn 34. Yeah right. Any questions, comments, praises, criticisms, stories, queries, email me at steve@realitysteve.com. See you Tuesday.

Administrator Reality Roundup