6.2.03 6.9.03 6.16.03 6.23.03 6.30.03 7.7.03 QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 7.7.03 Whoa. Let’s just say that in NBC’s first venture into a reality TV dating show, they followed Fox’s and NBC’s rulebook step-by-step. And of course by now, we all know rule #1 of reality TV dating shows: Whenever they steer you in the direction of thinking it’s one person, it’s guaranteed to be someone else. It’s just NBC did a ten times worse job than ABC or Fox ever did. I mean, they made it BLANTANTLY obvious that Knob was going to pick Paige, that the closer it got to the end, the more you knew he’d pick Erin. These people never cease to amaze me. And what a drag out final two hours, huh? No final dates, and no meeting of families. Halfway through, I was thinking how in the world are they going to get two hours out of this? Then I got my answer. A commercial break every five minutes. Useless. Honestly, I don’t have too much to write on last night’s show considering it was two hours. But let’s begin….. -First, I loved this preview for the show where they kept showing Knob hugging Jailbait and her saying, “Can you hear my heart beating?” They made such a big deal out of this then devoted about three seconds to it during the show. Uh, I hope your heart is beating Bait. If it wasn’t, you’d be dead. And um, the reason we can hear it, is because there’s a microphone pressed up against it. The production work on this show lacks the quality of seeing Andrew and Kirsten walking out of a restaurant with Andy’s hard on in full view of the camera. -Paige or Erin? Erin or Paige? For a week, I racked my brain asking myself, “Have I ever cared more about something completely unimportant in my life?” The answer: Only one other time. And that was when I was deciding if Andie should’ve chosen Ducky over Blaine in “Pretty in Pink.” To this day, I still don’t know if Blaine was the right choice. Ducky was the dork, loser, stalker who she had wrapped around her finger, yet Blaine was the yuppie, filthy rich, country club putz who could buy her an outfit worth more than $7. Do you go with the guy who’s been there your whole life, or go for the looks and the money? Tough one. Especially since Andrew McCarthy hasn’t made a good movie since. Then again, neither has Jon Cryer. Paige/Erin. Blaine/Ducky. Choices that I’m sure our grandkids will be debating over in the years to come. -Ok before I REALLY get started, I need some help here. I’m being completely honest with this, and I would like some feedback. I found a love letter on the ground of a hotel parking lot last week. I have no idea who wrote this (other than their names), and for the life of me, I’ve read this 25 times, and I still have no idea what this chick is trying to tell this guy in the letter. Help me out here. This is the letter I found, and I’m going to reprint it, word for word, like I found it. Yes, this is the actually grammar and punctuation being used in the letter, so we’re obviously not dealing with a MENSA member. Here it is…. “Dear Sebastian, Baby I was thinking that you could use some support. So but of course I would have to be the one to help. As you know I can talk and write for ever so that wouldn’t mean much to you but I am still here for you and I always will be. And guess what…..I believe in you and I trust you with all my heart. You can do this baby you can do anything. You just have to apply yourself. I’m asking you to try. Please I pray that this works out but we are both going to have to put in a lot of work. Please don’t lie to me no matter how bad the situation. Don’t lie to me we will work it out together. If you love me please trust me like I trust you. I am here for you. I love you. Your angel, Shanna (soon to be Mrs.) Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Ok, quick question: What the hell was that? Is it a pregnancy letter? Is he starting a new job? Is working at Baskin Robbins too much for him? What is he lying to her about? And if he’s lied before, why is she still with him? Are Sebastian and Shanna doomed? What a classic kiddie love letter. You know how I know these two children are in high school? Because she folded in 17 different ways like only high school chicks know how to do. If you’re a guy, and you’ve ever folded a handwritten letter more than twice, consider getting a sex change. Please help. I have no idea what that chick was getting at with that nonsense. For the record Shanna, hope you and Sebastian live happily ever after. We’re all pulling for ya’. -Ok, as for the show, it started out with about four different recaps. The show didn’t actually begin until about 9:06. That was just a sign of things to come. You thought the “Bachelor” finale was long, forget it. At least they purchased rings, we met more family, they bought dresses, etc….This was two hours of Jailbait and Olive Oil saying the same things over and over and over. -Host comes in immediately to tell the ladies that they have to choose between Knob or the million. They don’t get both. “Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!” __________ You can fill in the blank as to which 7th grader responded like that. Host also says that if the ladies choose the money, “….as long as you live, you can never set eyes on Rob again.” Huh? Who the hell’s gonna monitor that? Not that they’d want to see him anyway, but c’mon. Are they going to have armed policeman following them around to make sure she never comes in contact with him again? Please. Easy on the dramatics people. -Now Jailbait is bugging Olive Oil to tell her what her decision is. “I’ll tell you later.” Basically Olive Oil has made up her mind fifteen minutes into the show. No more than thirty seconds later, this conversation takes place…Jailbait: “You’re gonna choose the money, aren’t you?” Olive Oil: (nods her head yes). Well what happened to telling her later? That surely didn’t take much coaxing. Give us a little suspense please. So this fifteen minute segment is them talking over the morals of taking the money or Knob. Same B.S. over and over again…. “If I take the money, I can help my family”, “I’m really starting to like Rob”, “This isn’t about the money”, “Is this million really spread out over 40 years?” Uh, yes sweetie. So winning this million isn’t as great as it seems. The winner gets a $25,000 check every year for the next 40 years. Which is quite different than just receiving a check for a cool million right when you walk off the set. Of course, they put that in the fine print at the end of the show where none of us can read it. Except me. -Knob comes over for one last dinner/meeting before making his decision. What?! It’s 9:20, and this is it before he has to choose? Not good. He better make the most of this. Paige: “I was really confused but the minute Rob walked through the door, all my feelings were reassured. I really like this guy.” Well, at least that makes one of you who does. -Over dinner, Knob and Olive Oil are talking about what books they’ve read recently, and Jailbait seems bothered that Knob isn’t paying any attention to her. Honey, Knob and Olive Oil aren’t discussing the moral message that “Cat in the Hat” or “Green Eggs and Ham” is trying to get across. They’re talking about big people’s books. You know, books with more than 16 words on a page. Let them talk about their book fetish while you just sit there and pout. -Olive Oil asks Knob at what point has he made his decisions on who to keep. He jokes about how he just goes by rock, paper, scissors. Or, as he and Olive Oil call it, “farkleing”. I’ve played rock, paper, scissors for twenty years, and not once have I ever heard it called “farkleing”. Hell, Microsoft Word keeps underlining it on my screen ‘cause they’ve never heard of it either. “Farkleing”? And at what point did flipping a coin lose out to rock, paper, scissors on how to decide useless things. And why does a rock beat scissors but doesn’t beat paper? If someone held up a piece of paper, and I threw a rock at it, I’m guessing it would blast right through. Yet paper beats a rock because it can cover it? Who the fuck invented this stupid game? I have way too much time on my hands. I’m with Jailbait on this one. That’s a mystery to me. Never heard of “farkleing” before. The Bait and I actually agree on something. -Knob takes Bait outside for one last talk with her, and immediately lifts her up and gives her a hug. Is Jailbait five feet tall? Damn, she’s tiny. And damn she’s got a little hot body on her. Knob, you better pick her. Don’t do the morally correct thing and actually pick someone who’s beautiful, sophisticated, classy, and mature. Pick the young little piece of ass that’ll do whatever you say and is as horny as they come. C’mon Knob. Let all of us single men live vicariously through you. I’m guessing that girl would be an absolute gymnast in the sack. Weeeeeeeeee!!!!!! That’s just a guess. -One final talk with Bait. “You drive me crazy.” You mean, her cleavage is driving you crazy. Holy smokes. I think she went for a little pushup action in her last impression to the Knob. Damn, I feel like Kobe Bryant right now sizing up the body sculpture of a teenager. OUCH. Low blow. That’s uncalled for. I take that back. I’d be blown away if anything comes of this Kobe Bryant allegation. This tramp is looking to make a quick buck. Here’s my take: As far as I know, I’m guessing most guys don’t force themselves on women unless their judgment is impaired. You just don’t do that if you’re sober. And Kobe doesn’t drink or do drugs. So I can’t imagine in a million years that this guy would sexually assault another female. Time will tell, but this going to end up being a big issue about nothing. Charges won’t be pressed. -Knob starts asking Bait about family. “I’m so glad Rob asked me that. I’m so ready to start a family.” Is that possible? Women begin ovulating before freshman year of high school? Didn’t know that. I mean, could you see Jailbait with a kid of her own? Neither can I, which was the first sign we should’ve seen Knob’s decision coming sooner than we did. -Now it’s Knob’s final turn with Olive Oil and these two are as nervous as Mike Tyson at a Spelling Bee. A prostitute in church. R. Kelly at an after prom party. Hey R., quit screwing girls that are…well….Jailbait. Knob even knows that picking Jailbait is the smart thing to do: “It’s less likely that Erin will pick me than Paige.” Once again, Knob has never been one to wow us with his intellect. -Olive Oil: “When I first heard it was the money OR Rob, I was 70-80% for the money. So if I decide to kiss him, it would just be faking it.” Next scene: Knob and Olive Oil swallowing each others faces. Boy, this Olive Oil really confuses me sometimes. Says one thing, does another. Never knew women could be so wishy-washy about things. Usually they’re always straight forward, to-the-point, and tell you exactly what is on their minds. Hmmmmm….guess I have a lot to learn. -Scene after the swallowing of faces: Even deeper swallowing faces. Olive Oil is officially sucking the life out of Knob. An oxygen mask is going to fall from the sky at any minute if she doesn’t back away. Good God already. Let him up for air. You’re torturing the poor guy. Didn’t I already explain to you last week the negatives involved with blue balls? The more you make out with him the more: 1) unbearable the pain becomes, and 2) likely it is he’ll choose you. -After Olive Oil gets back from her date, this is where the show starts going downhill. Olive Oil: “Paige, I’m 99.9% sure he’s going to pick you…..Maybe he’s physically attracted to me, but nothing else…..I’ve dated guys before who were into me, and he’s not into me…..he’s picking you.” Jailbait: (fishing for compliments) “You think so? Really? No way.” Jailbait says she would choose Knob over the money. So at 9:45, the show has us believing that Jailbait is going to be picked, and she’ll choose Knob. Gee, didn’t that one coming. I mean literally, for the next 45 minutes, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED. -Everything centered around Jailbait going back and forth on her decision while Olive Oil kept telling Jailbait she was the one who Knob would choose. Knob wants the affectionate kind, who’s giving and expresses her emotions, and Jailbait can give that to him. To all of which I agreed. Which made his decision that much more ridiculous. I mean, I understand WHY he made it, I just don’t understand WHY he made it. If that made any sense whatsoever, please raise your hand. Thank you. -Skip ahead to about 10:25, and Jailbait tells Olive Oil about her promise ring that she took off. Now it’s getting even worse. Jailbait is believing all the hype and basically knows she’s getting picked, so rubbing it in apparently makes her feel better. What the hell does Olive Oil care about you taking off your stupid promise ring? You probably dropped it down the sink anyway like when Jan Brady lost Marsha’s earrings. God, Paige. I really wish you’d not act like you’re four. And I really wish you didn’t have that tight little body which makes me have impure thoughts. Stop it, Steve. Stop it. Calm down. You’re better than that. I really enjoy talking to myself and printing it out for all to see. -Knob says he’s going to be up front and honest with both women, he’s going to make his decision based on what he feels is right, and he’s going to tell each woman he knew about the million before telling them his answer. God forbid you started lying now. Wouldn’t really be a good way to start the whole relationship thing off. Except if you think either one of these chicks is “one of them”. You know, the ones that don’t care you lie to them, you get to treat like crap, yet they still keep running back to you. Oh yeah. They’re out there. More of them than you think too. Anyway, good luck Knob. We’re all pullin’ for ya’. Don’t puke all over yourself. -Final Commercial before Elimination starts. “Survivor” producer Mark Burnett has a new reality show coming to NBC called “The Restaurant.” Is this going to flop like his Eco-Challenge on the USA network did? Look, keep all the reality dating shows, but do we really need to see one about people trying to become chefs? Unless the winner and one of her hot friends are going to be on the cover of “Playboy”, I’m not interested. By the way, if you’re by a newsstand and you’re looking for a good, um, read…pick up August’s issue. Someone kindly let me take a glimpse of their copy today and well, all I can say is, the things they can do with an airbrush nowadays are amazing. HO-LY SMOKES. “Paige, Mr. Heffner’s on the phone. He’d like to speak with you.” Do it. -Time for Knob to make his decision. Now, I’m going to be honest, for as bad as the last 45 minutes were, the last _ hour was really good. Jailbait is up first, and I guess for anyone who missed the first 5 episodes, Knob felt the need to recap us on every split second he spent with the Bait. “We met right here….You gave me a hug….We went outside….We sat next to each other….We kissed…..You drive me crazy…..Show me more cleavage…..Gimmie some tongue….I was swept away……etc.” After all the praises, Knob throws in a “but”, then they pan away and start in with Olive Oil, which I thought was a nice touch. Something we hadn’t seen before, and I’m all for originality. -Olive Oil’s turn. “We went here….We went there…Mystery date….Biplanes….Kissing…..Need oxygen…..You remind me of my mother….I just melted when you told me you’re falling for me…...etc.” Before he tells her his decision, another break away to a commercial. Back from commercial, they pick up with Jailbait, and he basically tells her after that whole diatribe, that he thinks Erin would be better for him. Paige turns into Liz at this point. Crying mess, can’t believe what she heard, going to go jump off the balcony. Please don’t. -And hey, whatever happened to him bringing up the million to her before giving her his decision? Liar. Jailbait’s response to getting dumped: “I don’t take back anything I’ve said. It was really nice to meet you.” That’s it? It was really nice to meet you? Where’s the “I-hate-you-I-want-you-dead” running away screaming act? That’s what we’d all love to see. Damn. Quit showing class and dignity on your way out the door. -Now it’s time to tell Olive Oil his decision to choose her. Needless to say, she’s shocked considering she thought Jailbait was signed, sealed, and delivered to get chosen. Whoa. Better think of some B.S. and quick. Uhhhhh….well….. “There’s a twist to the show.” Yes, he knows this, he just hasn’t said anything yet. Olive Oil breaks it down like only she can, confusing the hell out of me in her reasoning to get to her answer. Bottom line: She chose the money because “we are living in a material world, and she is a material girl. You know, that we are living in a material world, and Olive Oil is a material girl.” Kidding. She wasn’t in love with him, and she didn’t feel he was in love with her. I have no problem with that answer at all. It was the right thing to do. I just don’t know why it took 3 minutes to tell him that. -As much as I’ve crucified Knob for being a soul less dolt, with no personality whatsoever and the charisma of Dick Cheney, I will admit that having to give 3-4 minute speeches right to these womens faces and dumping one of them is something I couldn’t have done in a million years. That was pretty impressive if you ask me. And the guy never really did much wrong during the show. He wore his heart on his sleeve, admitted he didn’t expect to get picked over a million dollars, told these women exactly how he felt, and unfortunately, suffered the consequences of getting dumped. I felt bad for the guy, especially when they followed him in his walk of shame, out the door, and through the front gate of the castle as it closed behind him. Damn, that was harsh. Knob, you’re an OK guy. If I were him, I’d immediately try and go bone Jailbait. She’s naïve. She’ll be down. -As for Olive Oil, like I said, I wouldn’t have expected her to pick Knob, even if out of pity. We knew all along she wouldn’t have picked him, so even the surprise of him picking her didn’t change anything, which it shouldn’t have. So, at 9:45, Paige was getting picked, and her and Knob were gonna live happily ever after. At the end of the show, it’s Erin and she takes the money. Surprise, surprise. -So beginning next week, Erin begins her quest for a new man, sacrificing her million dollars in the process. None of these guys know she’s already been on the show, and none of them know she’s got a million bucks. If they choose her over the million, the two of them get two million together, if they choose the money, they get a million and Olive Oil walks away with nothing. Interesting. Although I knew Erin was going to be the lead in “For Love or Money 2”, I did think it was because Knob was going to choose Jailbait. So I was half right. Now, before ever hearing one rumor about “For Love or Money 2”, and before even seeing what any of these guys look like, I can tell you right now, that whoever she picks will choose her. Couple reasons: 1) They’re not going to have two back to back “losing” shows. 2) Erin is much more “attractive” to a guy, than Knob is to a woman. Let’s be honest, Erin didn’t pick Knob for all the right reasons. She wasn’t in love with him, he wasn’t in love with her, and well, he’s a dork. But what guy wouldn’t be attracted to Erin. Attractive, smart, sophisticated, mature…of course they’re going to pick her. Even if it is over a million bucks. But I’ll be damned if don’t make fun of them in the process. See you next week…….
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