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WEEK OF 7.5.04
Thoughts on the last week of reality television.....included in this column are thoughts on "Last Comic Standing", "Who Wants to Marry My Dad?", the "Real World", "Last Action Hero", "Joe Schmo 2", "Ultimate Love Test", and "Outback Jack". Also, my quick thoughts on "Spiderman 2", and the Jenna Lewis sex tape....again.
-I've briefly caught a bit of this "Next Action Star" nonsense. You're telling me the winner of this show gets to star in their own action movie? What????? Are we talking cinematic movie, or made-for-TV crap that no one will watch? How can you forcefeed us an action star that we don't want? And judging by what I've seen, none of these yahoo's is going to be "The Rock" anytime soon. And yes, in the early episodes, that was Larissa from "Average Joe" who tried out for the show. Shocked she didn't make it.
-Having travelled to Dallas last weekend for a little R&R, golf, golf, and more golf, I was kind of out of the loop. Especially on the "Ultimate Love Test". I missed everything. Not like any of you are watching it anyway, but I'm really just interested in seeing how it plays out now. I've wasted.....errrrr....invested enough time into these people thus far, I at least gotta find out what happens, don't I? I don't? Ok, then I'll stop watching. Hell, for all I know, last week was the finale and the show is over. God, I hope not. When you're in central time zone, everything's f***ed up compared to the West Coast. "Saturday Night Live", Leno, and Letterman all start at 10:30 out there. That's bizarre. That stuff all starts at 11:30 on the West Coast. So when it ends Central time, it's still another hour and a half before it starts out here. Someone needs to change this.
-I did catch "Spiderman 2" on my vacation. What's the big fuss about this being so much better than the first one? It's the same exact thing with a couple extra boring subplots added in. And who does Alfred Molina have naked pictures of to land the role of Doc Ock? Cool character, probably the highlight of the film, but one question: Who the hell is Alfred Molina? Wasn't he in that "Chocolate" movie? Excuse me, "Chocolat". Whatever. I'm sure it sucked.
-Of course, by seeing the movie, I got my main question answered: How many dudes did Kirsten Dunst bone in a 2 hour flick? This time, it was only three. Unless, of course, you dig deeper into the film and think that maybe before Peter arrived home for his surprise birthday, she and the Green Goblin's son had a quickie in the bathroom while Aunt May was baking cookies. Could've happened. Hey, wouldn't put it past her. And the guy is her ex, so it's not that unbelievable to think it didn't. In fact, I'm declaring right now that it did happen. Ex sex with Goblin Jr. Mary Jane is still a whore.
-Final analysis on the Jenna Lewis sex tape: Tell her to be quiet during sex. No, not from moaning or anything. Just from being annoying and talking about stupid sh**. I think even her husband was getting annoyed with her. Hey, I'm all for talking every once in a while, but for God's sakes, some of the stupid ass sh** coming out of her mouth would've made me lose my....forget it. Just be quiet, honey. You're eight year old twins are going to learn bad habits from watching mommy. All in all, she's just weird. That's the best way to describe her, her husband, the tape, the whole damn situation. Just plain werid. And I'll ask once again since I haven't gotten an answer: If somebody is putting this website up, and making money off it against their wishes, don't they have any way to stop this from being done?
-I wonder what Ethan thought of the whole thing? Granted, he's hammering the other Jenna now, so it probably doesn't matter as much, but he's gotta take some interest, doesn't he? This is an ex. Of course he does. He'd be lying if he didn't. I wonder if he compared the positions they tried, with the ones she and her new fling did. Did it bother him? Does he try it out with the new Jenna? And how much did it bother him that her oral skills lasted a good 20 minutes? Did he get that kind of work done to him? Props to her for that. I will say this on Jenna's behalf: She definitely enjoys the male genitalia. A lot. More than you think.
-I watched about the first 20 minutes of the “Real World” Reunion on tape last night before falling asleep. I’m assuming if the last 40 minutes were anything like the first 20, I didn’t miss much. Kinda funny how Frankie talked about her experience on the show and how much fun she had, when basically she admitted to hating everyone and just quit. And nice hair Frankie. If you thought Frankie was messed up, just wait until her little sister appears on "Real World 22: Juvenile Hall”.
-Robin looks like she dropped a few lbs. Not in her chest, of course, but overall. Jacqueseseseseseseses didn’t talk much last night either which was par for the course with him. And I didn’t even notice Jamie was there…..again. Brad and his ex broke up- shocker. And Cameran is as naïve as before she came on the show. And Randy is just Randy. A pretty uneventful reunion if you ask me, and I only saw a 1/3 of it. Who was that host by the way? Could her note cards have been any bigger?
-Is anyone else as disappointed as me that Ant got booted from “Last Comic Standing”? No? Good. You shouldn’t be. That little unfunny pipsqueak shouldn’t have even been on the show in the first place. I understand he’s gay, and it’s part of his act to make gay jokes, but does everything have to center around his sexuality? Maybe if he actually didn’t call attention to the fact he likes smoking pole every five seconds of his act, he’d be funnier. And quite a shocker he’d throw in a “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” joke. Very original.
-With Todd Glass being gone, which I still can’t believe, I guess I need to handicap the rest of the field. I’ll go with John Heffron (who I think is the funniest person left), and Corey Holcomb in the final two. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Alonzo Boden made it. Gary Gulman has an outside, outside chance of doing it. Kathleen Madigan has none, as does Tammy Pescatelli, and Jay London.
-I apologize to all of you for still not having seen three seconds of “Outback Jack”. Having only one VCR in the apartment, and having to tape two other shows last night, I guess I’ll have to wait until next week to catch it. I’m guessing it’s just “The Simple Life” meets the “Bachelor”. Except the bachelor guy is Australian and more hunky than Bob. Who by the way, decided to go get married this past weekend and surprise everybody. We all knew he was engaged, but the shotgun wedding wasn’t expected. Good luck to you two. I’m sure we won’t be talking about you in about a year from now.
-Tim from “Joe Schmo 2” reminds me of a guy from high school that was the nicest guy in the world, yet the most gullible and naïve person you’d ever meet. I don’t think this guy will ever have a clue this show is fixed. And just like last season, all these people like him. I still can’t get over them having to “dip their wick in Piper’s flame of love”. The new girl contestant they brought on to fool, you can tell already, will have no trouble going along with everything since there’s no reason for her to expect anything weird’s going on. It’s too late in the game for that. I don’t really care as much about her reaction afterwards as I do Tim’s.
-“Who Wants to Marry My Dad with Botox and Hairplugs?” gets better by the week. The crying gets more severe, the embarrassing fact about the ladies past gets more ridiculous, and Principal Rooney’s lie detector test gets more fixed. How much stock can you put into those things? And how come every thumbs up or thumbs down reaction he gives looks exactly the same? I think they do some creative editing on that part.
-Is Marty Hairplugs really that interested in all these women? And why are they forcing him to marry someone at the end? Last season, it was just a proposal, and they broke up about a month later. What if he doesn’t want to marry any of these women? Or what if they don’t want to marry him? Uhhhhh….that could be a problem. It’s bad enough we’re expected to believe the “Bachelor” is possibly proposing to someone he met six weeks earlier, now we’re getting a wedding shoved down our throats?
-I think there’s only about two women left I think he’ll choose: Suzanne or Melanie, two blondes. Suzanne is the real high maintenance one that looks about fifty, but the plastic surgery makes her look a respectable forty-five. Melanie is the one who likes to eat ketchup out of a bowl. That was sexy. Immediate turn-on. How did he not pounce on her after that display?
-Don’t you love it how the fax machine will pop up out of anywhere? And enough with the stunned reactions when the fax machine goes off. You all know it’s going to happen. Quit acting surprised when it does. And speaking of being surprised, was there anything less shocking than Sharon getting the boot on Monday? I mean, the woman admitted to not being interested in a man with three kids, and she allegedly lied about how she wouldn’t say yes if her ex proposed to her today. I don’t know what he saw in her anyway. Goodbye Sharon. Go to try and break up your ex’s engagement.
-Marty talks funny. I know he’s originally from Minnesota and you can kind of hear the accent in his voice, but I think it has more to do with the fact he face is so shot up, he barely has any expressions when he talks. Watch him next time. It’s like he’s a statue at the Movieland Wax Museum. Did he make out with anybody Monday night? I don’t think he did. That’s disappointing. As creepy as that is watching these old people flirt and make out, we still need to see it for the freak factor. You got five women left Marty. It’s pretty safe to say you might want to start heading towards 2nd or 3rd base sometime in the next year. I mean, one of them is gonna be your wife soon.
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