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WEEK OF 8.22.05
Thoughts on a few more reality shows that I haven't covered recently. These were the ones I didn't get to in the last "Reality Roundup" because, well, I felt it was long enough. And I wanted to watch a couple more episodes of these shows. After this week, I'll be back next week with another column, then we'll be back with a weekly "Reality Roundup" beginning the second week of September, when the new fall season begins. Let's begin....
LAGUNA BEACH
-Why it took me a year to find this show, I have no idea. I never watched Season 1. But the weekend before Season 2 started, MTV ran their Season 1 marathon. And of course me having nothing better to do on a warm, sunny, 85 degree Sunday afternoon, I decided to watch the marathon. And I think it was about thirteen seconds into the first episode I saw when I knew I was hooked. Granted, I only saw the last four episodes of Season 1, but trust me, I could pretty much figure out what went on all season. This show really isn't rocket science. LC is Stephen's lapdog, Stephen is Kristin's lapdog, and they had a love triangle that lasted all season. I get it. Hey, weren't we all involved in a love triangle in high school? Of course we were. It's just the cameras never followed us around our senior year. I tell you what, if "Laguna Beach" was around back when I was a senior in high school, it would've blown away anything we saw last season by far. The personal drama and stories I have from my senior year make the LC/Stephen/Kristin triangle look like a 2nd grade crush. Just ask Heather. And Shawna. And Sara. And Amanda. And Jen.
-The only thing I'm having a real hard time coming to grips with is, "Why do I care so much about 18 year old kids from Laguna Beach's relationships?" I'm a grown, mature, 30-year old man with goals in life. Why the hell am I glued to the TV set every Monday night waiting to see if Jessica gets played again by Jason? I think we can officially nominate Jessica as probably the most gullable, naive character in all of reality television. Wow. This guy's playing her like a fiddle, and she's clueless. Look honey, when a ho' like Kristin is telling you your boyfriend is playing you, you might want to listen to her.
-I think my favorite moment so far this season would have to be at the end of the premiere episode where Stephen and LC were playing footsie in the jacuzzi, yet they kept cutting back to Kristin and the rest of her ho's in the limo singing "Since You've Been Gone". Yeah, I'm sure those two things were going on simultaneously. That's where editing gets creative. It's not like those two events never happenend, I just guarantee they happened about week apart from each other, but they spliced it together to make it seem like it was happening the same night to reel suckers like me in to vote it their favorite moment of the season. See?
-Since I've come out and admitted my likingness towards this show, I think the #1 question I've been asked by people is, "Kristin or LC?" Hmmmm....tough one. I think the high school version of Reality Steve would answer "Kristin". Why? Because in high school most guys wanted to boink someone like that. Just to say we did. If you ask me now? I think the current version of Reality Steve would answer "Kristin". Why? Uhhhh....she's hot? Look, guys could care less how much of a bitch she comes across as on the show, let's be honest. Could I ever be in a normal relationship with someone as crazy, flirtacious, slutty, and high maintenance as her? Of course not. But that wasn't the question. The question was, "Kristin or LC?" And I answered that for you. Let's just move on before I get arrested.
-For those that didn't catch the references in the first few episodes, Kristin was referring to a college "boyfriend" that she had who went to USC named "Matt". Well, she was referring to Matt Leinart, the quarterback for USC. Rumor has it they were "dating" for a bit, but let's make one thing perfectly clear. Matt Leinart, the Heisman Trophy winning, two-time national champion quarterback at USC, was never in a relationship with a high school senior. Not a chance. Matt Leinart pretty much has his pick of the litter at a school that has about 10,000 hot blondes walking its campus everyday. He's not wasting his time down in South Orange County with a senior because she was on a TV show. But the age difference really isn't that far off since Leinart's been dating one of the women's basketball players since last year, Brynn Cameron. Who, for all intensive purposes, is just about the best looking woman's basketball player you'll ever see. Very attractive girl. She was a freshman last year. So apparently he likes em' young. Whatever floats your boat Matt. I'm sure Matt Leinart, the MVP of college football last season, was thrilled that some high school senior was claiming he was her boyfriend.
-As for our good friend Jessica, I guess you could say a lot of things. None of which are too nice. Look, I'm not here to judge guys, but is Jason really that attractive to where she'd put up with that sh** from him as much as she does? Geez. I know most high school girls go through their bad boy phases, but not when the bad boy looks like he's about 35. If the guy says, "I'll call you later", then doesn't, and then when you try to call him his phone is off because he's trying to get down with Alex, chances are he's playing you. But hey, what do I know? Remember, according to Jessica, she has "no actual, visual proof that he's cheating on me", so she must take his word for it. Wow. If only all women were that naive.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa...wait a second. So Alex asks Jason to formal even though Jessica is his girlfriend? And he accepts? This is real? Since when would this ever be acceptable? She's saying she asked him before he and Jessica were an item. Huh? We just saw you ask him last night. I'm confused. Even if that were the case, Jessica even allowing that to happen might be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. Who does that? I'm missing something here. They actually went through with this. Jason goes to formal with Alex, even though his girlfriend is Jessica. And she goes to formal to with the biggest geek in school! And pouts all night. What a f***ed up high school.
-Has there ever been a funnier conversation between a couple than what we saw last night between Jason and Jessica after the formal?
Drunk Jason: "I love you."
Jessica: "I'm sick of this. I'm sick of it all.
Drunk Jason: "Ok. I won't talk to you." (Walks away).
High comedy. You couldn't make this stuff up. And then in the limo at 3:00 in the morning, Drunk Jason telling her to shut the f*** up at least five times, and her not slapping him across the face once. This chick better get over him soon before her friends start an intervention.
-So what exactly is going on with Stephen and LC? Did they bang it out down in Mexico, or not? Are the producers making us think they did, when they really didn't? If they did, why didn't we get to hear them talking about it? Why do they have to keep their sex so secretive? For a while there I was really confused as to whether or not they actually did it down in Mexico. But then when Stephen left to go back up to school, and they had the awkward "Well-we-just-had-sex-but-I-have-no-idea-what-to-say-to-you-now-so-I'll-just-give-you-this-half-ass-hug" conversation, I pretty much knew he had used her. Poor girl. She didn't deserve that. Stephen, you're a pig.
-They finally gave us a character this season that apparently has some sort of backbone. Taylor. Now there's a girl who knows she's getting played and isn't afraid to call the guy out. I think the best line of the season was when she told Talan to go back to that "whore Kristin". Good stuff. She's no Jessica. Jessica would've somehow found an excuse that the sex wasn't consensual, and Jason really didn't want to have sex with another girl, he was forced into it, so technically it wasn't cheating. You're a lost cause, girl. Start hanging around Taylor more.
-And are Talan and Jason the only guys we're gonna get to see on a consistent basis? These guys bore me. And they're stupid. If you know cameras are following you around recording every word you say, how can Talan play off telling Taylor how much she's the only girl for him in one scene, then tell Kristin that he and Taylor aren't dating? Ummm...doesn't he realize they're eventually going to see this? Then again, their senior year is already over and he knows it wasn't going to air until summer, so maybe he just said, "Screw it. I'll deal with the consequences later. But I'll just have my cake now and eat it too." And by the way, there's a website link with all of Sarah's prom pictures from this year. You should see the dress that Casey, the new girl, wears to prom. Wow. Her parents must be proud.
REAL WORLD: AUSTIN
-I can't believe I forgot to mention this season in my last column. One of my favorite seasons of all time, with pretty much one of the uglier casts they've had. Outside of Danny and Melinda, is anyone on that show attractive? Wes? Feel free to get some sun once a year, man. Damn. The pasty white look doesn't work in Texas. Lacey? Look, would someone tell the producers to quit casting the "quirky, shy, stick-to-my-morals, virgin" on this show? There's absolutely no place for it. Look, anyone watching this show watches for two reasons: good looking people, and as much hooking up as possible. So enough of the Frankie's, and the Lacey's, and start casting more ho's like Melinda. Johanna? Please. Good body, but those jacked up teeth and her personality make her unwatchable. Rachel? Uhhhh, next. Nehemiah? Whatever.
-For a guy who talks a lot of game, Wes sure gets no ass. And the talent he does get, is pretty much what you'd expect out of him. Especially last week when he dragged that "3:00 in the morning" skank home from the bar and laid pipe. Boy, she made herself out to look really classy didn't she? And how could she not find her shirt? If he took it off in the room before you went bonkers under the covers, I'm guessing it's still in there. And what a gentleman of Wes to not only let her borrow one of his t-shirts, but then dropkick her out of the house at god knows what time. The fact that she allowed her face to be shown on television after that escapade shows what kind of girl we're dealing with here. Let's just say you wouldn't be taking her home to meet mom anytime soon.
-I love how Danny and Melinda were apparently immediately in love within ten seconds of meeting each other. And for those who thought for a second Danny wasn't coming back, you're crazy. I've read in numerous places that these two are still together and living together back east. Why would you subject yourself to immediately sticking by your roommate on a show like this? What kind of experience do you gain out of the whole process by doing that? Sure Melinda was still going out to clubs, and drinking, and wearing short skirts while dancing on bars, but, all she kept talking about was poor Danny at home with his hockey mask covering half his face. Why did they feel the need to make this guy look like Mike Myers? Couldn't he have just worn a patch or something?
-Rough season for Danny. Nothing like getting your face shattered no less than what, a half hour after moving into the house? That must've been pleasant. Then right when he's healed and set to drill Melinda on Valentine's Day, he gets the call that mom dies. Hey Danny, stay away from all black cats and cracked mirrors. Sheesh.
-I bet the producers maybe looked over Melinda's audition tape for seven seconds before deciding to cast her. Probably one of the easier castings they've ever done outside of Trishelle and Tonya. You just look at that piece and think "Real World". Self admitted nymphomaniac, great rack, blonde, tall, and likes to walk around the house half naked. I'm only wondering why it took them fifteen seasons to find her. Oh wait. Maybe because she was probably seven when the show first aired. Woops. Melinda needs to be in every "RW/RR Challenge" from here on out. Every single one. No exceptions. She is the #1 reason why guys watch this show.
-Without knowing, it's pretty obvious Wes and Johanna will eventually get down and dirty. They're both so far removed from reality it's impossible for them not to hook up. And Lacey will still sleep with no one. And Nehemiah I'm sure will go off on someone in the house at some point. And Danny and Melinda will probably have their wedding ceremony before the season is complete. I thought Brad from "Real World: San Diego" came across as the most stereotypical frat boy they've ever cast, but he doesn't hold a candle to Wes. Can't you just see Wes doing naked kegstands in the backyard at his frathouse while trying to hit on anything with a pulse?
KILL REALITY
-This show was a brilliant idea. Now, I'm sure the movie "Scorned" that they're making will stink out loud, but, to have us watch the making of it was brilliant. I have a problem with two people that they cast though. Bachelor Bob and Reichen. Bob Guiney for obvious reasons. He's a nerd. Not that any of them can really act, but, Bob's the worst. And I thought when we saw him give that stupid promise ring to Estella, that was the last we'd see of him and that stupid laugh. But no. God that's got to be the most annoying laugh ever. And I mean ever. You mean, there were no other reality stars capable of acting as horribly as I know he will in this film? God help us. As for Reichen, I guess I understand he's in there as eye candy for the ladies, despite being gay, but I just didn't think he was a big enough "reality" name. Look at everyone else on that show. We know all of them. By first name too. If I were to throw out to you "Jenna", "Ethan", "Johnny Fairplay", "Tonya", "Trishelle", etc., you could tell me in less than five seconds what show and probably what season they were on. But Reichen? Whatever. I guess you're allowed one miscast. Or two in this matter.
-There have been some unbelievable moments so far this season, but by far the best one was Jenna Lewis having a real issue with doing a nude scene in the shower. Excuse me Jenna. In case you don't remember. You, the mother of 8 year old twins, had a 45 minute sex tape running around the internet of you and your newlywed husband basically shooting a porn in your hotel room on your honeymoon. And your afraid of your nipple showing? Considering "Scorned" is going to be shown on E!, it's not like any of us are going to see it anyway. And trust me, we've seen just about enough of your naked act to last us a lifetime. Nice endurance though. And boy do you like some freaky sh**. I guess Steven Hill gets to experiment with that now. Hey Steven, if any of us learned anything from Jenna's sex tape it's this: Spit. That's all I'm going to say.
-It's pretty amazing how completely looney Tonya is. That woman is so mentally, physically, and emotionally wrecked, who could ever stand to be with her? What's her problem? Well, drinking for one. And the fact she has a hard on for Johnny Fairplay. How any woman finds him attractive is beyond me. Funny guy, I'm sure he's a riot to hang out with, but would want to have any physical contact with that character ever with a trip to the doctor's office the next day already planned?
-When you watched "Real World: Las Vegas", Trishelle came off rather ridiculous. Well, take her and multiply it by fifty times, and that's Tonya. Tonya is the craziest person on television now, bar none. It's a train wreck to watch her on this show. I think that's why I like it so much. Especially when Fairplay gets her all worked up by spreading a bunch of lies about her. I think they should seriously dedicate the whole show to those two's relationship. Screw the movie. No one's gonna watch anyway. Ok, I will. But you know what I mean. Do we really need to see Trish being a prima donna? Do we need to see Steven Hill worrying all the time about whether he read his lines well? C'mon. Just give us the catfights, the drunken nights, and the hooking up.
-Well next week, our very first interviewee on Reality Steve, Katie Doyle, moves into the house. And from what the previews showed, Johnny Fairplay insinuates that Katie and Tonya hate each other because they both slept with the same guy - him. Uhhhh, that's not what I heard. As far as I know from what she told me, her and Johnny are very good friends, but they never slept together. Then again, she is a woman. And last time I checked, women do lie about those types of things. But as she said in the interview, Tonya did sleep with someone Katie once dated, so I know they hate each other for that. Let the catfighting begin.
-Very excited that Season 2 of "The O.C." comes out today. At approximately 10:00am, I'll be purchasing my copy at Best Buy. And I can guarantee you by about 8:00pm tonight, I'll be halfway through the season. I know. I'm a late comer. Haven't seen Season 2 yet. Pretty ridiculous considering I grew up in Orange County. But I'm guessing I'll have Season 2 finshed by Thursday or so. You couldn't possibly gauge my level of excitement right now. Ok, maybe you can. I'm weird like that.
-Next week, we'll look at these shows once again, and also cover the new "Survivor: Guatemala" cast, "Battle of the Network Reality Stars" (which already had a Top 5 Moment in its first episode), "Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive", the "Girls Next Door", and the dance off between Kelly Monaco and John O'Hurley in a special "Dancing With the Stars" slated for September. Until next week....
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