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4.1.04
So Boston Rob is a girl now? Holy smokes. How many times was he almost brought to tears last night? 10? 15? You take one little play toy away from the guy, and he mopes around like someone just shot his dog. However I must say, the softer, gentler, more sensitive Boston Rob sure was fun to laugh at. That was embarrassing. I thought he would just vote himself off the island is they didn’t give him back his piece of ass. Oh well. Anyway, for the record, this will be the last “Survivor: All-Stars” column until the finale. I’ll definitely continue to talk about it in the “Reality Roundup”, but with the “Bachelor” starting on Wednesday, it’s back full time on that one. Time for Jessie to begin his public humiliation. Onto last night…..
-A little foreshadowing to immediately start the show. The first scene shows us Boston Rob and Amber sleeping together under a blanket while Tom & Rupert are up early sawing away. So we knew immediately one of two things were going to happen this episode: Either Rob & Amber would be split up somehow, or, they were going to do it again. One of the two. It ended up being the former.
-Big Neck and Rupert went fishing. Rupert caught I think 4,000 fish and Big Neck got a stab at one. Big Neck says he just wanted to feel what it was like to hold that harpoon since he’s been out there 22 days, and since Rupert makes love to it every night, he hasn’t had a chance to even touch it. Do you really want to, Tommy? I mean, we don’t what else tye dye Rupert has done with that. Have you noticed Rupert’s been wearing the same shirt since Pearl Islands? Think that thing can walk on its own now?
-Mogo Mogo wakes up at their tribe in all their misery. And who’s the first one to complain? All together now. “Jeerrrrrrriiiiiii”. Very good class. You get an “A” for noticing who the biggest b**** on the island is. Jerri: “This rack is wet.” Yes it is. And so is the whole camp. Jerri says it’s always wet and it’s always raining, which then causes things to become damp, and in turn, makes things mold, blah blah blah….Jerri is now a science teacher for the rest of the tribe. And she annoys the s**t out of them.
-With 10 players left, the talk around the tribes is about a merge. Kathy thinks they’re merging. Rupert and Tom thinks they’re merging. Lex is ready to merge. And Amber and Rob have been merging all night long under the blanket. So once again, when the shows makes us believe there’s going to be a merge, we knew something tricky was up.
-At tree mail, both tribes were given paint the color of their tribe. Mogo Mogo read waaaaaay too much into it, and decided to do nothing with their paint. Chapera had a group orgy painting each other. Stars, dots, arrows. You name it, they painted it on each other. They didn’t really go into detail as to who initially thought of this idea, but I’m guessing it was Rob so he could rub down Amber and cop numerous more feels off her.
-The tribes meet for the reward challenge, and as they’re walking up, Probst does something again that he’s done the entire season: He points out who was eliminated at the last Tribal Council. “Chapera, as you can see, Ethan voted out at the last Tribal Council.” Thank you, Jeffy. I definitely think Chapera would’ve struggled as to Ethan’s whereabouts if you hadn’t been so keen on your process of elimination. Mogo Mogo went into the last Tribal Council with Lex, Jerri, Shi Ann, Kathy, and Ethan. They’re showing up at this Reward Challenge with Lex, Jerri, Shi Ann, and Kathy. Tough one. Glad you’re the master of the obvious.
-The Reward Challenge consists of the four members of Mogo Mogo to huddle and place themselves in some sort of order, one thru four. Same for Chapera, but they must order themselves in a one thru six fashion. Once they do, starting at the first person from Mogo Mogo, which was Lex, he picks one person off Chapera that he most wants to have a one-on-one conversation with. Once he picks, Chapera chooses, and so on and so forth. Once everyone has a partner, they get to paint one another then spoon on a blanket. Kidding. They’re given a free lunch and time to talk about nothing. The pairings went as follows: Lex & Rob, Tom & Jerri (hey, Tom & Jerry. Great cartoon. Would’ve loved to have seen Tom eventually swallow Jerry whole in the last episode. Never happened. I’m much more a Tom guy than I was a Jerry guy. I digress), Shi Ann & Rupert (something about being alone was her reasoning for picking him), Alicia & Kathy (probably two people who have the least in common on the show), and last was Amber & Jenna, both obviously from the same tribe. Boy were they happy to get some alone time. And so was I. I thought things might’ve gotten a little kinky with those two. It didn’t.
-No good gossip came from them pairing off. At all. Which surprised me. When they all returned from their mini picnics, everyone dropped their buffs and had to draw new buffs randomly out of a basket, and that would be their new tribe. Long story short, after the first eight had randomly drawn, everyone was still with their same tribe members, yet they had each drawn the other teams buffs. So Chapera was now Mogo Mogo and vice versa. Two people were left to draw. Jenna and Amber. So one was obviously going to another tribe. Gee, didn’t see this one coming. Was it the spooning in the beginning of the show, or the fact that the previews quoted Amber telling the camera, “I felt I was the one that got screwed the most in this whole thing.” Yes you did. And pulling the green buff to end up with the old Mogo Mogo tribe screwed you too.
-So each tribe must now switch camps, everything they left behind becomes property of the other tribe. Chapera is now the old Mogo Mogo plus Amber, and Mogo Mogo is now the old Chapera minus Amber. Boston Rob almost had a heart attack. Amber was gone, and he felt as lost and out of place as Kobe would be at the Miss Black Awareness Pageant. Could be one of the all-time great scenes in movie history. Eddie Murphy as “Randy Watson” singing “The Greatest Love of All”. That whole scene is in my top three easy.
-Last week’s “Tylenol Push Through the Pain Winner” was Lex for taking a header off that log when Rob kicked his ass. Is anyone keeping track of who’s in the lead of this cuz’ I’m really interested. This’ll be a battle to the end I tell ya’. That Tylenol champion sure will have a lot to be proud of.
-Commercial. I don’t watch “Without a Trace.” It’s on tonight at 10. I know nothing about this show other than the guy who killed Sam Wheat in “Ghost” is on it tonight. Or every week. Maybe he’s a regular. Hell if I know. Anyway, Carl Bruener was a real scumbag. Having Willie Lopez whack Sam so he could try and get in Demi Moore’s pants. That’s wrong. Shame on him. Willie Lopez wasn’t too freaky looking, was he? Never would’ve thought he would be the guy hired to blow away Sam. I’m glad Sam got his revenge. And I’m glad Molly finally believed Oda Mae Brown wasn’t a phony. Got worried there for a minute. I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl who didn’t cry at “Ghost”.
-Amber’s hanging with her new tribe trying to be all friendly, but we know where her minds at. Amber: “The whole time everyone was pulling buffs, I didn’t care who ended up on my team, all I was hoping was, ‘Let me pull the same color Rob pulls’”. I can’t imagine this relationship just all the sudden started during this show. With all the reunions the “Survivor” shows have had and charity functions, you gotta think they’d hooked up before this began. They’re acting too ridiculous not to have.
-Back at Chapera, apparently all their dogs have been shot since Rob’s moping around has got everyone moping around and feeling sorry for themselves that Amber is gone. Boo hoo. What, were they all screwing Amber? Was she that valuable to the tribe? All she did was mount Rob at night, ride his coattails during the day, and do nothing help during the challenges. Other than that, she was the most valuable player to them. Must be something I missed.
-Sitting around camp, they make a toast to Amber. Rob’s distraught. Rob: “Eye don even cay-uh that we got all this food. All I cay-uh about is day got my girl ovah day-uh.” Rob says he’s going to do whatever he can to take Ambah to the finals. Although he doesn’t really know what that is considering she isn’t on his team anymore. This is making his brain hurt.
-Immunity Challenge. Time for each tribe to test their knowledge on the previous seven “Survivor” shows. First tribe to get 10 questions right wins Immunity. I don’t think Rob even participated in this. His hands were in his face the whole time. It was during this Immunity that I realized what a geek all these people were quizzing themselves on past “Survivor” shows and everyone knowing the answer to everything. It was also during this challenge that I realized what a complete dork I was as well, since I knew the answer to every single question, except the last one. But here were the questions with the answers in parentheses, and the score between the tribes after each question. I honestly thought these would be tougher.
-In Marquesas, who’s arrival did people say was like Cleopatra? (Sarah). 1-1.
-In Africa, what odd twosome got the drive-in movie date? (Brandon & Frank). 2-2. Ok, I won’t lie. I forgot Frank’s name. I remembered Brandon cuz’ I’ll never forget when he had to use the bow and arrow with the fire and he almost shot himself in the foot. Very athletic he was.
-In Africa, what country was it filmed in? (Kenya). Chapera leads 3-2. Big Neck was on that show and his team couldn’t get the answer right. He said “Nairobi”. Good guess, big guy. Nice that you paid attention while you were out there.
-In the 1st Survivor, what was the first food eating reward challenge? (Bug larvae). Mogo Mogo got it, Chapera missed. 3-3. Then again, Mogo Mogo did have Jenna on their team and she was there. Better have gotten it, dammit.
-In the 1st Survivor, what player used the alphabet strategy at Tribal Council? (Sean). 4-4.
-In the Outback, which player was airlifted off the show? (Michael). 5-5. C’mon. That might have been the easiest question yet. Who wouldn’t know that? Besides Big Neck.
-In Marquesas, who drew a purple stone at an Immunity Challenge that got them voted off the island? (Paschal). 6-6. Yeah, that was fair. Might have been the worst Immunity Challenge ever. Why not flip a coin?
-In Thailand, who did Crazy Rob grab by the throat during a challenge? (Clay). 7-7. That might have been a tough one if they never showed Rob talking about it afterwards making fun of Clay’s screaming for help.
-In Pearl Islands, who was the mortician? (Darrah). 8-8. And Lex felt like throwing in his two cents by whistling after saying her name. Lex, you’re married. Quit it.
-In Pearl Islands, who was the only player who had to be rescued during a challenge? (Osten). 9-9. Body of Adonis. Crap for brains. Had the courage of the Lion from the “Wizard of Oz”.
-In the Outback, who brought the beef jerky into camp? (Kel). 10-10. Geez. I thought these questions would get progressively harder. Nope.
-Bonus question: In thirty seconds, name the first person voted off in each of the first seven “Survivors” in order. I would’ve gotten four out of the seven. Chapera got the first six and missed the last one giving a wrong name. Mogo Mogo got all seven, won Immunity, and I think Rob didn’t give a crap. Probably the sorest winner we’ve ever seen. I think he was pouting again. As they’re beginning to head back to camp, Rob says to Lex, “You take care of her. I’ll take care of you later.” To which that red ass Probst steps in and says, “Lex, move it out.” Oooooooohhhhhh. You tell em’ Jeffrey. You tell em’.
-Back at camp, Rob continues to take this win hard cuz’ he thinks Chapera will vote out Amber. “This is hahhhhd. Wicked hahhhhd. I evin drew an “A” on my ahhhm for ‘Ambah’”. Thanks Rob. Never would’ve guessed what that stood for. I was initially thinking “Alicia”. Or “Amy” because you might’ve been an “Apprentice” fan. “A” is “Ambah”. Gotcha.
-Amber’s working the Chapera tribe for a way to stick around. She goes to the always popular “I-work-harder-than-Jerri-so-I-should-still-be-here” card, which usually seems to work.
-Lex, Kathy, & Shi Ann all decide that not keeping Amber around would turn Boston Rob against them and they’d stand no chance trying to win him over. So even though he’s on the other tribe, on the other side of the island, and he’s not going to Tribal Council, Rob is still in complete control of the game. And Chapera votes Jerri out 4-1. She’s balling, says something about chocolate, and heads on her way out. Let’s hope to God Jerri Manthey is done with anything relation to “Survivor” for the rest of her life. You know she won’t be.
-Well, that’s it until the finale. Very important thought, next week when the “Bachelor” starts up again, I will have a new link on the site with photos of me at a charity event/Casino night this past weekend. Quite a few reality show contestants were there dealing blackjack and lending their hand to help out. Got some pretty good gossip about “Survivor” and a couple other shows. I’ll have that next week for you. Until then……
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