Reality Steve

The Bachelor 10 - Andy

The Bachelor Recap – 4/23/07

-Let’s get a couple “Bachelor” related things out of the way first. From this point forward, I will refrain from referring to Stephanie as “slutty” or a “whore”. Frankly, I just don’t think I can accurately call her that when Jenn over on the “Real World” is beating her to the punch on a weekly basis. I mean, lets face it, Stephanie technically hasn’t done anything except dress like a hooker. We’ve actually SEEN Jenn sleep with guys this season…..4 of them! So my job as a journalistic is to present the facts, and the facts are that “Real World: Denver” Jenn has spread her legs for just about any male who’s walked within 10 feet of her, and Stephanie has just dressed trampy. Advantage: Jenn. Is Jenn breaking television records right now? Letting four different guys toss you around like a rag doll during one season of a reality show is quite possibly the single sluttiest achievement we’ve seen this decade. So congrats go out to Jenn. I guess. And now that she’s on Inferno 3, that gives her 10 more guys to line up outside her door.

-Due a story that broke on Thursday regarding Amber, it’s pretty much been confirmed who our final four is going to be. If you haven’t seen it or don’t want to be spoiled, well, then stop reading. But it’s not like it was hard to figure out. I was only off by one. Anyway, Amber is taking some heat from parents in her hometown of Sugar Land, Tx, because she lied to the school where she teaches about why she needed time off, and it was during a time where her 4th grade class was studying for some big test. And then when the cameras came back to her school, some parents thought that was exploitation of the kids. Look mommies, if you’re kid is even watching this show, that’s your fault, not theirs. Hey, Sarah from Travis’ season not only allowed the cameras to come back to her class, but she played Tootie-tot in the park with them and eventually was chosen by Travis. I didn’t hear any parents bitching then. Get over it. Amber wanted to chase her dream of being on a reality show, let her. And feel free to not allow your 4th grader to watch soft porn in the first place. Get a life, parents of Sugar Land, Texas 4th graders. Let’s begin….

-Not that we couldn’t already see from the previews before the show started, or the previews at the end of last week, or even the previews at the end of the very first episode, but, Host Chris informs the girls they will be going to Lake Tahoe, where there will be two group dates, and one individual date. It’s at this point where any preconceived notion we’ve ever had about Stephanie the Eyebrow Queen are proven to be true. Let’s just call her Tweezers from now on since someone went a little crazy above her eyes with them. I thought only the Joker from “Batman” had eyebrows like that. Guess I was wrong. Anyway, Tweezers lets us really in on a side to her we’ve yet to see – her intellect. Tweezers: “Where’s Lake Tahoe? That’s in Oregon, right?” Yes honey. It’s in Oregon. Along with Mount Rushmore. And the Grand Canyon. And while you’re there, you might wanna check out the Statue of Liberty right off the coast. The French gave it to Oregon as a gift because of their tight friendship. By golly you’re stupid. But don’t go looking for Mount Hood or Lake Oswego. Those aren’t there. They’re in New Mexico.

-Oh wow. Never thought I’d hear this coming from Tina on this show. Tina: “I feel awkward to be going on group dates.” WE KNOW!!!! You don’t want to share your future husband with anyone, you don’t think youre the prettiest girl there, and your last fortune cookie said, “One who goes on group date and don’t put out gets sent their ass home.” Next thing Tina will tell us is that she’s here for all the right reasons, she’s not a competitive person, and she really wants to get to know Andy as a person. Which, of course, is always the case when two people have about as much sexual chemistry as a fork and a water bottle. Sorry. I just typed the first two things that I saw sitting on my desk. I could’ve gone with condom wrapper and handcuffs, but then I’d be lying. I think.

-The first group date in Lake Tahoe, Oregon goes to Nicole, Danielle, Bevin, and Missionary Stephanie. They will be going to the casino to gamble and baby sit Bevin. See, Bevin is an emotional roller coaster right now because she doesn’t get to play in all the reindeer games with all the other girls. Remember? She tweaked her ankle last week running through tires, so, she’s still on crutches. And making sure the other eight women are aware that she’s on crutches. And can’t do a damn thing for herself, including put her own dress on. Or make up. Or push up bra. Bevin is taking 1 ½ years to get ready for the group date, and Andy’s getting antsy because he knows that guys never take this long. He’s reconsidering this whole female thing as we speak. And Bevin is still crying in the bathroom over being a complete zero when it comes to fending for herself. Last time I checked, her ankle was sprained, right?

-So what do the girls do to speed along the process? They do everything for Bevin while she locks herself in the bathroom and continues to cry, all the while rubbing her hands together continuing to say, “Eeeeeexcellent. My plan is working to perfection.” She’s a tricky one that Bevin. Nothing like having all the other girls you’re competing against ironing your dress, getting your shoes, and padding your bra. She must be playing some mind tricks on them to make them do that. Women hate women. Every single one of them should’ve been laughing at the fact her ankle was sprained and never should’ve waited on her hand and foot. She got Andy to do it last episode, and now she’s got the women doing it. Something’s wrong here. How is she able to do that? I wonder if she started her own cult, all the women would join that too? Maybe it’ll be revealed later the power that Bevin holds over these women. Frankly, I’m scared of what could come of this. Let’s pray for the best.

-So as the four of them are sitting around mingling with Andy, Bevin’s mind tricks are at it again. Andy asks what their most romantic city is. Nicole says “Cabo”. Bevin? “Ummm…I don’t know.” This calls for Andy to the rescue. “Uhhh, Bevin. May I see you alone for a second?” “Oh well…ummm…err…I don’t know…would it be ok….uhhh….sure!” The other three girls must feel like Wile E. Coyote right about now. “Drats! Foiled again!” I was just waiting for some ACME brick to fall on top of their heads. Bevin is so far ahead of the game right now, they’re not even in the same stratosphere. Is this “Survivor” or the “Bachelor”? I think Bevin should get a million dollars for outwitting, outlasting, and outplaying everyone else. I want to see her up against Boston Rob, Fireman Tom, and Rupert in the finals. Then let’s see who’s king. Ok, I’m getting way off base here. Where was I?

-Oh yeah. Bevin. Sucking Andy away from the girls by acting aloof. Works every time. She says she feels insecure because she can’t do what all the other girls are doing right now. You know, like, well, nothing. Her ankle is preventing her from doing the things that will let Andy get to know her better. So now shes officially moved onto the reverse psychology. And Andy the rocket scientist is buying it hook, line, and sinker. Andy: “If I were to get hurt, people would come to my aid too.” Huh? Who? What? Where are you coming from Andy? What does that have to do with anything? And remember, you don’t get hurt. You’re Superman. You can leap tall building in single bounds. You can stop bullets with your bare hands. And you’re faster than a locomotive….ha ha. Yeah, no doubt. You’re definitely faster than a locomotive. There’s a name for what they call guys like you. It rhymes with “Flu Stump Plump”.

-Andy is completely giddy right now over holding a woman in his arms. “Do you feel when I touch you there’s electricity? The more I touch you, the more electric I feel.” Translation: Please touch my wiener. Look, I give Andy credit. He’s doing his damndest to show a woman that she makes his pants tight, but its sounds really creepy when he’s talking about electricity, and touching her, and her touching him, and……these two are like a pair of teenagers. I’m just waiting for someone’s parents to show up, honk the horn, and come pick them up. For the first time in this show’s history I think, the word “connection” was replaced with “electricity”. And I really didn’t like it. Can we go back to “connection”? Oh we can? It’s about to be uttered a 1,000 more times this episode? Ok, thanks.

-So after Andy and Bevin are done slobbering on each other, he actually spends some time with the other three girls. They go down stairs to the casino to play a little craps. Of course, all on ABC’s credit mind you. Each girl had rows and rows of chips. And I’m guessing that Bevin, she of the “Clinic Research Coordinator” occupation, isn’t about to be playing the black chips at a casino anytime soon. Call me crazy. It’s Bevin’s turn to roll craps and it brought us to possibly the cheesiest/worst/puke inducing line I think I’ve ever heard of on this show. Bevin calls for a “hard eight”. For those unfamiliar with rolling dice, that means she wants to roll an eight by way of two 4’s. Andy’s response? “Hard eight or Heartache?” I just punched myself in the face that was so stupid. You’re a complete buffoon, Andy. Never say that again.

-Andy pulls Missionary Stephanie away for some alone time. Stephanie feels just slightly weirded out by the whole situation because, surprise surprise, she likes to plan things. And she always knows whats going to happen. And with this show, the level of uncertainty and what people are saying and thinking is really starting to drain her emotionally and physically. I don’t think Andy understands how crucial and effective the rhythm method is. I mean, if he’s spending all his time with Bevin, and Stephanie’s insides start to get all warm, then how is he going to know its that time to be with her? Stephanie is a planner? No way! I never would’ve guessed that. She’s a real cutie and 100 times better than what Tweezers Stephanie has to offer. I think she just needs to loosen up and just go with the flow at times. She’s a little too tense. Someone get her a drink. And a birth control pill.

-For Andy to make it through this night, he really seemed to want to hit the alcohol. He was pretty sauced when he was talking to Stephanie. He practically pulled a Byron on her when he made a toast to her by saying, “You’re amazing….I hope I get to meet your family.” Ummmm Andy. In case no one’s told you yet, that’s your decision, not hers. I’m sure Stephanie would love for you to meet her parents. But that’s not up to her. That’s in your boat, big boy. Lay off the scotch and maybe you’d have a clue as to what the hell was going on this show. Geez. That’s some great false sense of hope you just gave her. Awwwww look. Now you made her cry. You suck, Andy. Back to your room. You’re done for the night. No protein shake before bedtime either.

-Danielle comes in and steals Andy away from Missionary Stephanie, who was just moments away from reaching first base. So close, yet so far. Andy’s an idiot for not pouncing all over that. What does he care? He’s gambling with company money in beautiful Lake Tahoe, Oregon with four women on his arm and he’s three sheets to the wind. Like he cares. He starts cozying up to Danielle maybe four seconds after Stephanie leaves, and immediately starts in with the compliments. “Such a strong women…connection….come here…I wanna suck on your mouth.” Well, he tried at least. They kissed, but, well, it wasn’t really that good. No tongue action, and their faces were squished together. Andy is really struggling tonight. Someone help him. He’s like a lost puppy trying to find its way back to its owner. Except the puppy is sloshed and is in heat.

-Time for Andy to make that big decision of who will receive the designated, exceptional, extraordinary, individual, personal, specialized, and unique quality time with him. (Gasp!) And wouldn’t you know, it’s Bevin! I never saw that one coming. How’d she pull that off? I mean, she only got 3 hours with him earlier. Was that not enough? So the cheese factor continues as he picks Bevin up and carries her down the hall to the bedroom, a la Richard Gere/Debra Winger in “An Officer and a Gentleman”. They need to cut this out. Richard Gere hasn’t made a good movie in about 10 years, and Debra Wingers last major role was in “Forget Paris” back in 95’. I know that because I just looked it up on her IMDB page. Wait, Debra Winger played Wonder Woman’s little sister “Wondergirl”? Really? Did she nude up in that too? Nevermind.

-Andy lets us and Bevin in on a little secret during their special secret alone time. He likes pickles. No, actually he tells Bevin that he’s a nerd. Bevin responds by saying she’s a nerd too. Oh boy. This is going places. Andy says he entered all the Science Fair’s in high school. And he dreams of becoming an astronaut. AH HA! Finally our proof! We’ve waited all season for it to happen, and now, the speculation is over. He wants to be an astronaut, huh? If I remember correctly, wasn’t a certain former N’Sync member planning on becoming an astronaut? And didn’t that same “happy” guy appear on the cover of “People” magazine just about a year ago with jazz hands and the headline, “I’m Gay”? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s just close the book on Andy and wish he and Lance a very happy future together as life partners. Reichen won’t be happy.

-So as the façade continues, Bevin straddles him, they begin kissing, and Bevin asked if he needed a checkup. I swear to God, if either of these two utters one more corny ass line like that, I’m coming through the television and strangling Host Chris. No reason imparticular I’m taking it out on him. Just felt like it’d be necessary. Andy begins to play with Bevin’s dress a bit, slightly tugging it upwards where it’s revealed Bevin is apparently wearing white biker shorts underneath. Or a girdle. They still make girdles? Women under the age of 75 wear those? Geesh. Where have I been? Andy then delivers the line of the night: “Knowing there’s a woman in this mix like Bevin, makes me feel like there’s gonna be a happy ending to this story.” And you won’t even have to go to the massage parlor to get it either. Although considering she can’t run through a tire without cracking her ankle in half, I’d be a little leery of Bevin going the route of a happy ending. Her wrist might fall off.

-Next group date is in the mountains of beautiful Lake Tahoe, Oregon with Kate, Tweezers, Tina, and Tessa. And boy is Andy ready for this one. So much so that he’s rockin’ the turtleneck for this date. Good lord. Hey Andy, 1993 called. It wants its look back. Anyway, its also Tweezers birthday that day and she feels her and Andy are a “team” now. So, “team” as in “I’d love to double team him with some random stranger I could find off the street”? Or “team” as in, “I wonder what ‘team’ Andy plays for?” Whatever the case, Tweezers is fired up. She’s got Andy on the slopes, today’s her birthday, her fake rack is on point, and she’s sharing a date with no one who even remotely likes her. What could possibly go wrong?

-Tweezers immediately pulls Andy aside and informs us she “will not hesitate to throw any of the girls under the bus if she has to”. Shocking to hear that coming from the Tweeze lady. Just shocking. So without even being asked, she immediately starts in with her thoughts on the other women. Some of them are “young, immature, attention seeking, can’t be on their own”, basically she was telling Andy to never speak with someone like Amber. When in reality what she was doing was digging her own grave. She doesn’t like Amber, she let Andy know that, and he didn’t seem to care. Strike one against Tweezers.

-Remember how I said a paragraph ago “What could possibly go wrong” for Tweezers? Well, Kate could go wrong. Kate actually went the route of her predecessor but took it a step further. She didn’t just try to make one woman look bad – she went after all of them. Kate: “Well, ummm, Amber said you tried to kiss her and she had to back away, and ummmm, yeah, and then, ummmm, people were saying that last night was all about Andy and Bevin’s alone time, and, um, yeah, so, yeah, and like Stephanie from South Carolina, she’s molded herself into what you want her to be, and yeah, so, I don’t think you should go to her hometown. And oh yeah, this one time, at band camp…..” Thank you, Kate the Informant. Think Kate is much of a gossip queen? Yeah, me neither. Hey, at least she livened up the show a little bit. I’m surprised she wasn’t wearing a wireless microphone and a transmitter. She should work for the CIA with the way she withholds information. Someone sign her up. Great job, Kate. You can lead my sting operation any day.

-After getting the lowdown from Tweezers on Amber being a bitch, and after Kate the Deep Throat lets him know what everyone ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner the previous day, Andy gets some time with Tessa. From day one, I’ve never been the biggest Tessa fan. Probably a nice girl, means well, isn’t a bitch, yada, yada, yada, but I’m just bored with her. She does nothing for me. She is a little worry wart too. I guess they all can get like that at some point, but that’s the character ABC has decided to portray her as. The worry wart. Then again, so is Bevin. Except she’s a crying worry wart with an ankle injury that’ll apparently never heal this century. He pulled Tessa aside, and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what they talked about and I don’t care. Something about a connection I’m sure.

-So after all that, Andy chooses Tina to get the designated, exceptional, extraordinary, individual, personal, specialized, and unique quality time with him (I just cut and pasted from the few paragraphs above this one. Saved me time). Tina is pretty much being, well, Tina during her alone time. “I’m really not that competitive. I’m here to see if we had a connection.” Barf. Andy: “I want Tina to know that I like her and that she’s a contender.” Double barf. Really? You like her AND she has a chance in this thing? Ummmmmm, I call B.S. on that one, Andy. We’ll see who’s right in the end. I hate to say it, but, well, it’ll be me. Tina continues with her line of questioning. “Are you high maintenance?” Although Andy was really impressed with her line of questioning, and even threw out a “The time I spent with Tina was just what the doctor ordered” line, it became apparently obvious during their individual time, that these two’s sexual chemistry rivaled that of my stapler and a fork. Two more things sitting on my desk. Tina, just know that Andy is going be the best gay friend you’ve ever had. He’ll go shopping with you, you guys can go to the movies, and even get pedicures together. Oh, the times you’ll have.

-It’s time for Amber’s individual date that she’s been thinking about for every second since she found out. She’s really having a hard time figuring out what she’s going to wear. Really? Women are indecisive when it comes to outfits? Could’ve fooled me. I always thought it was the first thing they tried on, they liked and that was that. Wow. Guess I’ve been wrong about women this whole time. Silly me. Can I say something along those lines that’s a giant pet peeve of mine? Ladies, please don’t ever ask us how you look in something. We’re in a no-win situation and it only leads to an argument. If we say you look good, we’re immediately told, “No I don’t. I look fat.” Great. Then why the hell did you just ask me for my opinion. Of course, telling you “I don’t really like that outfit” might as well be us just telling you to check into Weight Watchers or something. Yeah, like that answer is even an option if we want to get laid that night. Just get dressed in a reasonable amount of time, don’t ask for our opinion, and both of us will be happy campers in the long run. Got it?

-So after all the back and forth about what she was going to wear, Amber goes with the standard turtleneck and jeans. Hey, this is right up Andy’s alley. They can take their Christmas pictures both in turtlenecks. How cute would that be? Ok, not at all, but I was just trying to lighten the mood. They’re date isn’t even much of a date. It’s them sitting on the ground in a cabin with food in front of them, a fire behind them, and a hot tub waiting out back. Nice date, ABC. Why not just put their date on a bed with silk sheets and a blindfold? You know, in case Amber is into that sort of thing. I’m sure she is. All Amber’s are kinky. I think. So Andy tells her about what the other girls were saying, Amber doesn’t seem to get caught up in it, they kiss, then head immediately to the hot tub. You know what’s there? More kissing. And Andy has to decide whether Amber gets the rose to stay longer. Andy: “You know what’ll make this night even more romantic? Wait right here. I’ll be right back.” How dumb did Amber play that one? C’mon, you knew exactly what was coming. It’s ok to not play stupid. I’m sure all your 4th graders who were up watching tonights show that had you half naked in a hot tub with a naval seamen could even figure that one out. Parents of Sugar Land, Texas….Protest!!!!

-So it’s time for the cocktail party, and Tweezers apparently doesn’t wash her clothes. She’s wearing that same brown hooker dress she wore when they played “Titanic” on the boat. Danielle even made a comment that she didn’t think the dress was appropriate for a stripper. Oh it is, Danielle. In fact, that’s like a wedding dress for a stripper. And Tweezers likes her dress. A lot. Tweezers: “My dress is smoking hot tonight….I’m 90% sure I’ll get a rose. Last ceremony I was 95% sure. This one I’m 90%.” Hmmmmm, and you’re the one who also thought Lake Tahoe was located in the great Pacific Northwest, right? Ok then Tweezers, quick quiz: If you’re 90% sure that you’re going to get a rose tonight, then what are the odds that you’re not going to get one? That’s right. Bananas. Very good. You get a sticker.

-Bevin is crying again. I’m willing to bet there are more people not pulling for Bevin to win after tonight’s episode than there probably were before. She did an awful lot of whining and crying for my taste. She’s excited about getting one last chance to see Andy before the rose ceremony. “I’ve been counting the hours….waiting for you to come…I’ve been so nervous.” Ummmmm, you were counting the hours til when? Waiting for him to what? Hey Bevin, there are 4th graders in Sugar Land, Texas right now who are mortified about what just came out of your mouth. I really hope you apologize to Amber herself, the school, and the ridiculous parents who are protesting their children being a part of this nonsense. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now go hump Andy one more time before he forgets you.

-Kate the Informant can’t possibly leave the show without one more piece of information to share with the others. Kate pulls Amber aside and tells her that Tina told her, “By the way, I heard Amber almost had sex with Andy last night.” You know, I admire the Informant for not going down without a fight. I mean, let’s be honest, Kate knew she had no chance of sticking around. So she’s gonna cause as much grief as possible on her way out the door. I’ve got no problem with that. Just one problem with her story. Like Tina of all people would ever be the one to start that rumor. Why? Tina is still unsure of what sex is at this point. Nice try, Kate. Maybe next time.

-This sends Amber into a tizzy and she goes off crying before confronting Andy. She tells him he’s probably going to hear a rumor that’s being spread that they had sex. Andy: “That’s preposterous!” No kidding. And on so many levels too. “I know what we did. And I enjoyed it.” Oh, I bet you did you little dirty dog, you. The way your hand touched her hand. The way your fingers interlocked. They way the taste of her tongue just made you want to run to the bathroom and scrape your tongue off with a kitchen knife. I bet you enjoyed it. Is this woman thing starting to grow on you at all Andy? Even a little bit? Do you think you might wanna try this just once to see what it’s like? You’ll like it. Trust me. It’s like warm apple pie.

-Tessa gets her one last chance to speak with Andy and threaten to quit for whatever reason. Something about women being catty. I don’t know. It was so foreign to me that women could act that way, I didn’t really know what she was talking about. But Andy has some big words in response to Tessa. “My heart is completely open now, and you’re one of the reasons why.” You know, never before in my life before last night had I ever barfed up a lung. But there it was in my sink after hearing Andy utter that cornball line. Nice goin’, pal. I appreciate that. That was a b**ch to cough up, but I sure got it all out thanks to you. You’re the best Andy Baldwin.

-Rose Ceremony time. That means, it’s time for a speech. Andy: “The difficulty of this decision…..speaks of the quality of all you women….utmost respect…..started this quest for women that I thought were best for me….and if I’m sending you home….then you don’t have to suffer through the embarrassment of this whole charade. Be thankful. Or something like that.” Amber has already received a rose by virtue of their steamy date in the hot tub. So yes, he’s kissed Amber.

Tessa: He’s kissed her.

Danielle: He’s kissed her.

Bevin: He’s kissed her.

Tina: Haven’t kissed yet.

Host Chris: “5 – 4 is 1. Only three more shows and I won’t have to do the counting for you anymore ladies.”

Missionary Stephanie: Haven’t kissed yet.

-Hmmmmm….I wonder who the final four will be? That’s a toughie. And I’m sure the final two girls he gave roses to doesn’t give anything away either. Of course it doesn’t.

-Kate the Informant is yet another girl who’s booted that isn’t crying. She says it just didn’t work out for her. Which is a good thing, because now it’ll allow her to pursue her career as Queen Gossiper. Very highly paid and well respected in the community.

-Now Nicole has a nice little meltdown. That was good to see. Very much in tears when uttering, “I was true to Andy…what’d I do wrong?…..Where do I go from here?” Then she just fell down or something. I don’t know, but the camera was still rolling and she went from visibly crying on camera to falling on the floor. Someone help her up. That didn’t look too slick. Where do you go from here Nicole? Well, you can start by chewing on some Nicotine gum. Or maybe go to the patch. Smokers Anonymous might help. Or a walker with an oxygen tank. It’s up to you.

-I was really disappointed that Tweezers didn’t have a bigger freak out than she did. I was half expecting that chick to pull a Trish and become a stalker. “I’m just shocked…I can’t believe this happened…I was ready for it, I wanted it, I believe in it…..I sold somebody out – and apparently he thought that was a sh**ty thing to do.” Uhhhh, yeah. Cuz’ it was. Here’s what you do, Princess. Head straight to the beauty salon, tell the lady you’d like to get rid of the Joker eyebrows, tell her to pencil them in a little darker and thicker, and then head on over to “Jiggles”, get yourself a stage name, and go work your talent. Strive to be the best honey.

-I don’t know when “Reality Roundup” is making a return. I really do apologize. It’s just that this column takes up a lot of time, and with my work schedule, coupled with the fact that…….ok, I’m just lazy. That’s all there is to it. However, it will be up at some point. I just have no idea when. As for “Dr. Reality Steve”, keep sending your letters in to Anything is acceptable. Letters, comments, questions, stories, queries, praises, criticisms, what do with your cheating husband, how to tell your girlfriend you want to dump her – you name it, I’ll answer it. That column will appear this week for sure. Until next time….

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1 Comment

  1. Tommy Hester

    November 12, 2008 at 7:56 PM


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