-You know, just when you think youâ€™ve heard enough about the whole Amber/Principal/resignation story, now comes this: Apparently the principal is having 2nd thoughtsâ€¦.again. First, she was reassigned to a different school, and decided to take it. Then changed her mind and said, â€œScrew you, Iâ€™m not going anywhere, you can fire me, or Iâ€™m resigning, one or the other.â€ Well, she resigned, as I told you last week. At least so we thought. Now comes word the principal has rescinded her resignation letter. Good God. Make up your mind already. Youâ€™re the principal at a middle school. What are you raking in a year, $30-35K? Iâ€™m sure it wonâ€™t be hard to go somewhere else and make that coin. Just when you do, donâ€™t let any of your female teachers take a leave of absence to go be on the â€œCoyote Ugly Searchâ€. Iâ€™m sure some parents will find that offensive, although I donâ€™t see why. Dancing on bars in daisy dukes for a living is definitely someone who should be looked up to. I applaud them. Especially if theyâ€™re not wearing any underwear. Way to go, Amber. You created this mess. Letâ€™s get startedâ€¦.
-We start off with Andy really contemplating what a tough situation heâ€™s currently in: Three women wanting to bone him and he not having any sexual desires for females. We get a shot of him in his elements – surfing, sitting on rocks, driving his jeep – you know, all the normal stuff we all do in the Navy. Andy: â€œItâ€™s not about yachts, itâ€™s not about sports cars, itâ€™s about being a US Naval officer.â€ Really? Then why are you on the show? Couldnâ€™t you meet someone a different way than being force fed 25 desperate women whoâ€™ve failed at love already numerous times they had to resort to reality television? Really? This is what itâ€™s about, huh? Well, count me in as a skeptic. I certainly donâ€™t see it. And by the rumors flying around the internet, letâ€™s just say, the â€œBachelorâ€ streak is still intact. I know this show is geared towards females. And I know you really, truly, with all your heart, want to see some sappy love story come out of this show, but please, lower your expectations. I really hope no one out there in TV Land watches this show with the hopes that two people will fall madly in love and get married and stay together for 100 years. Please donâ€™t tell me you do.
-So before Andy gets each of the girls on solo dates, he must show each of them separately to show them a bit of what he does. Uh oh. Here comes Andy the tour guide again. Geesh. I think they couldâ€™ve edited this part out, saved us a little time, and spared us the history lesson. But no, they didnâ€™t. So Andy is in full Richard Gere uniform as he awaits each girl. First girl up is Bevin. Andy immediately gives her a lei and starts in on his â€œPearl Harbor 101â€ class. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Thereâ€™s a reason I didnâ€™t pay attention to this in 7th grade history class. Canâ€™t these two just go rent â€œPearl Harborâ€ for the night? Andy: â€œHereâ€™s the U.S.S. Arizonaâ€¦.1,177 people lost their livesâ€¦â€ Look, I know Pearl Harbor was a historical event, and maybe there were some that had family directly, or indirectly involved in it. I just donâ€™t need to learn about it on a reality dating show. Save it for the History Channel doing a 100 hour documentary. For me, letâ€™s get on with the corny jokes, the divorce stories, and the hot tub scenes.
-Danielle was up next. She informs Andy that her Grandma was a nurse during Pearl Harbor. So I guess this trip means a little bit more to her than it does to others. All the more reason why sheâ€™ll be thoroughly disappointed in the end. Andy tells her about a tradition where you take the flowers off your lei and throw them in the water as a sign of peace. Or that the lei is ugly and itâ€™s itching you. So Danielle does this and I guess all is right with the world now. There is peace. Or something like that. I was kinda dozing off at this point, so Iâ€™m sorry if my details are a little sketchy. However, you know what the best part about these scenes were? All the tourists in the background looking over at Andy showing three different chicks the same thing. I wonder what was going through their heads. â€œHey, look at this man whore over there in his white suit trying to get laid. Do all these women know about each other? Iâ€™m gonna go over there and c***block him.â€ Man, if only someone wouldâ€™ve stepped up and done that.
-Tessaâ€™s little visit was the most interesting. Why? Because when these two were standing on the ship, or wherever the hell they were, a little girl came up beside them to throw flowers in the water. A little different from Danielle though. Danielle lightly let them float down into the water. This little girl was throwing fastballs like she was trying to spear fish with them. Very touching, missie. Have some respect. Anyway, all the while sheâ€™s chucking flowers, Andy is having a premonition. Andy: â€œWhile this little girl was right next to us, all I could think of was â€˜Husband, wife, child.â€™â€ Oh boy. If only the little girl couldâ€™ve heard him say that. She mightâ€™ve jumped overboard. So last week he tells Tessa, â€œI want to fall in love with youâ€, and this week, heâ€™s visioning them as husband and wife. With a little bratty child being a nuisance and disrespecting the deceased. Funny, I havenâ€™t heard him speak that way about Bevin or Danielle. The internet is never wrong.
-So Tessaâ€™s date is up first and they are going Zip lining through the rainforest. Weeeeeeeee!!!!! Tessa is a little scared, so they rock, paper, scissors to see whoâ€™s up first. Tessa goes paper, Andy goes scissors. Tessa: â€œOk, youâ€™re up.â€ Uh, no honey. Scissors cut paper. Can we just eliminate rock, paper, scissors as a way of deciding something once and for all? Apparently Tessa is confused and because of her rich, powerful, Washington, D.C. father, has never cut paper before with scissors. However, I donâ€™t think my wish is going to be granted after seeing over the weekend that there is now a Rock, Paper, Scissors National Championship Tournament that ESPN televises. No joke. Let me tell you something. If youâ€™re a guy, and you entered this tournament, thereâ€™s a good chance you will never get laid again in your life. And if you happen to be a woman who entered herself into this competition, frankly, you should not be allowed to bear children. It’s only a matter of time now before The National Eenie Meenie Miney Mo Championships come to a network near you. Count on it.
-Tessa zip lines like a spaz – kicking her legs all around like sheâ€™s twelve. This was disturbing. I really felt sorry for her. Like, maybe she did ride to school on the short yellow bus and Iâ€™m being overly critical of her. Regardless of her spastic kicking, Andy is digging it. â€œI totally love that rough and tumble side of Tessa. I like how sheâ€™s up for anything.â€ So wait, weâ€™ve now moved from the â€œdown and dirtyâ€ to â€œrough and tumbleâ€? Isnâ€™t that essentially the same phrase without being repetitive? Andy is a man of many words. Tessa apparently likes to rough it a bit and do a lot of tumbling. Whatever. I hope she zip lines herself right into a tree. Then weâ€™ll see how roughing and down and tumbling and dirty she is. I think this is just Andyâ€™s way of trying to convince us why heâ€™s been enamored with Tessa since day one. I still donâ€™t see it.
-Corny Joke Alert: Andy and Tessa begin walking across the very shaky suspension bridge. And the horrible metaphors couldnâ€™t have started in any faster. â€œI think this bridge is a metaphor for our relationship. We need to support each other.â€ I saw it as a metaphor, but in quite a different way. More along the lines of there were a lot of holes in the bridge. Want some more? Well, the bridge was also very shaky. Wasnâ€™t very stable. Had a lot of cracks in it. Didnâ€™t know how to kiss. I could go on, but I think you get the point. If Andy and Tessa really want to point to a suspension bridge as a metaphor for their relationship, then by golly, why donâ€™t they just call it off right now and save us a two hour finale. Please.
-Itâ€™s now night time and time for Andy and Tessaâ€™s dinner date. I canâ€™t remember what Tessa was wearing, but Andy definitely went Tony Manero on us with his â€œSaturday Night Feverâ€ black shirt with white jacket. Are they going to the disco? Who the hell dressed him like this? Itâ€™s Hawaii pal, not Studio 57. So these two lovebirds do a lot of talking, and a lot of kissing, then some more talking, and Tessa reveals to us a little something about survival skills. Somehow the topic of conversation got on to â€œWhat would you do if you were swimming with sharks?â€ Donâ€™t ask me how, it just did. Tessaâ€™s answer: â€œIf a shark is coming at you, you know what you do? You turn around, wind up, and then punch it in the face.â€ I just punched myself in the face. 10 times. Iâ€™m literally breaking out in hives watching these two trying to be cute with each other. Blechâ€¦.
-Uh ohâ€¦.here it comesâ€¦.Andyâ€™s reaching into his pocketâ€¦.(wait for it, wait for it)â€¦..itâ€™s a card! Oooohhhhh! The suspense! I wonder what it says? Andy: â€œBefore I left, Chris gave me this note. It reads: â€œTessa and Andy, I hope youâ€™re having a wonderful time in Hawaii and not boring the viewing audience at home. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key as a token of our appreciation, to boink as a couple in our fantasy suite with soundproof walls.â€ Andy then went Joey Tribbiani when asking, â€œSo whaddyaâ€™ say?â€ Wait a second, didnâ€™t all the teases up to this point hint that maybe Tessa was having 2nd thoughts about staying the night? A brilliant editing job by the folks at ABC. Bravo. Tessaâ€™s answer almost came out of her mouth before Andy finished his sentence. â€œThereâ€™s nothing in the world thatâ€™d make me happier.â€ Oh yes there is. Spending the night with a straight man would probably be a good start.
-So Tessa admits to us that she is falling in love with Andy. Sure she is. Sheâ€™s not falling in love with being in Hawaii, or getting to wear $2 million of jewelry, or going on lavish dates, or going zip lining in rain forests, or drinking champagne in a bubble bathâ€¦..no, sheâ€™s totally past all that. Sheâ€™s just in love with Andy. Because heâ€™s so charming and endearing and personable andâ€¦..ok, thatâ€™s enough. Stop rolling the cameras. How about you two head on over to the Olive Garden in jeans and flip flops, get horrible service by your waiter, get stiffed on your breadsticks, and having a crying baby at the table next to you, then tell me if youâ€™re falling in love with Andy. My guess? No. This show really tugs at your heart strings, doesnâ€™t it? I just cannot for the life of me pretend for a millisecond that this show will ever produce anything substantial. Both the success stories theyâ€™ve had have BIG asterisks next to them. Trista and Ryan. Thatâ€™s not a normal relationship. Why? Because we refer to them as Trista and Ryan. Trista is ALWAYS first in that relationship. Heâ€™s just her lap dog, so that doesnâ€™t count. Byron and Mary? Hell, Byronâ€™s 40 and Maryâ€™s biological clock is ticking. I would hope these two get married. And is there a reason theyâ€™ve been engaged for like two years and still havenâ€™t tied the knot? Iâ€™m just waiting for this one to send out a press release any day now with the term â€œmutually decided to part waysâ€ in there.
-Danielleâ€™s turn to visit Andy in his element. They go out on a boat and look at the dolphins and hump back whales having sex in the water. That was fun. Danielle: â€œI think dolphins are one of my favorite animals.â€ Awwwwâ€¦.so Danielle watched â€œFlipperâ€ growing up. How cute. So did I. How come Flipper made the exact same sound every time they asked him a question? And I forgot, but what was the point of that show? It was always as if because of Flipper, problems got solved. But how could they if heâ€™s in the water all the time and theyâ€™re on land? If little Tommy was having girl problems, exactly how did some dolphin help him? Or if little pig tailed girl got yelled at by dad, somehow Flipper made it all better. What a confusing show for young children. â€œDolphins can be your friend.â€ Really? Well, not if you donâ€™t live near the ocean they canâ€™t. Exactly what can a dolphin do for me if Iâ€™m growing up in the suburbs of Orange County? Gimmie a more realistic show like â€œGentle Benâ€. You know, where the big, giant, grizzly bear can become your BFF.
-Danielle and Andy start in on some deep conversation. And when I say â€œdeepâ€, I mean â€œdead ex-boyfriendâ€ stuff. Although I donâ€™t remember this from earlier in the season, apparently Danielle had told Andy about a psychic that she recently visited who told her that after her exâ€™s death, she will have two more serious relationships, then the third one will be the one. And by golly, wouldnâ€™t you know, since her exâ€™s demise, Danielle has had two serious relationships that have ended, and Andy is #3. Oh honey. Iâ€™m so sorry. In case you havenâ€™t heard my rant on psychics, well, just stick around for the next couple of paragraphs. â€œLove lift us up where we belongâ€¦..â€ If last night wasnâ€™t a prime example of why anyone who spends five cents on psychic is wasting their money, then I donâ€™t know what else to tell you. Oh yes, I do. Iâ€™m officially opening up a service now where you give me $500, I open up a deck of cards, flip a couple over, then run some B.S. at you about whatâ€™s gonna happen in your life.
-So for their dinner date, Andy has added a third chair because heâ€™s brought in a local Hawaiian psychic to get Danielleâ€™s hopes up and feed her tons of hogwash. And when I say â€œlocal Hawaiian psychicâ€, I mean, â€œthe crazy woman over at Venice beach that the ABC crew flew over to the islands on their dimeâ€. The psychic immediately starts in with her load of crap. â€œIâ€™m not going to be telling you about your futureâ€¦Iâ€™m just going to give you clarity on your present.â€ Really? Youâ€™re not? You mean, you canâ€™t see into the future and tell us things before they happen like Desmond? Iâ€™ll be damned. A honest psychic. So this psychic somehow, by use of a 52 card deck of playing cards, can tell Danielleâ€™s state of mind. I honestly feel insulted by watching this sh**. â€œThereâ€™s a lot of nuturing going on in your lifeâ€¦.from now on, something new is entering your lifeâ€¦.wonderful communicatorâ€¦.thereâ€™s some sadness left from some losses in the pastâ€¦a little apprehension you may be havingâ€¦â€ Wooooooooooooowwwwww!!!!! Sheâ€™s good. She said exactly what the producers told her to say, word for word. Thatâ€™s the sign of a good psychic.
-Look, let me tell you what a fraud this woman, or any psychic is, for that matter. So lady psychic says she can tell a lot about Danielleâ€™s current state of mind by opening up her deck of cards, then just flipping some over, right? Ok, how about when sheâ€™s done with that session, she puts all the cards back in the deck, shuffles them, then re-flips the cards over for Danielle. Now youâ€™re telling me itâ€™s going to be exactly the same? That the same eight of hearts, and Queen of spades, and Jack of diamonds, will all show up in the same formation as the first time she did it? Of course not. But you can bet your ass no matter what cards she flips over a 2nd time, the same load of horse manure will come spewing out of her mouth. Before my blood pressure reaches 300 over 50 (is that even possible?), letâ€™s just stop. If you pay money to have a psychic tell you anything, you are not a smart individual. Iâ€™ll just leave it at that.
-Andy asks psychic lady, â€œWill I be engaged in a week?â€ She runs some crap back to him about letting love decide rather than letting fear decide. This is very powerful to Andy. And of course, this dillweed acts as if this is some bit of advice that he couldnâ€™t have gotten from anywhere else. Not even Tinaâ€™s fortune cookies. This show is really coming to a grinding halt, and fast. Time for Andy to bust out the bent card from Host Chris that he scrunched up in his back pocket all day. â€œAndy and Danielle, I hope youâ€™re having a wonderful time in Hawaii and not buying any of that bogus nonsense the psychic we paid has to say. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite, where you can use the psychicâ€™s same deck of cards to play a few games of Texas Hold Emâ€™. And have sex.â€
-Time for Andy and Bevinâ€™s date in the wilderness. Andy: â€œI love Bevinâ€™s sense of adventure.â€ Is she more of a rough and tumbler than Tessa is? Iâ€™d say so. So these two begin kayaking down the beautiful brown water. Looked like they were on the â€œJungle Cruiseâ€ at Disneyland. I was waiting for some fake hippo to pop out of the water and scare them. But Bevin is right in her element. â€œI love being alone in the wilderness.â€ That didnâ€™t make much sense. We all know Bevin liked to take her high school boyfriends out into the woods for some slurpy slurpy. You know, the older guy, with the pickup truck and a mullet, laying out the sleeping bag, blasting a little Warrant or Whitesnake while making babies in the back of the truck. Man I wish we could see a picture of Bevinâ€™s ex-husband. Câ€™mon. Someoneâ€™s got to know him. Someoneâ€™s gotta at least draw a picture of him or something, donâ€™t they? And Iâ€™d love to see any wedding photos if possible please.
-After kayaking, Andy turns into Mr. Question Man to Bevin. In succession, he asks five rapid fire questions, barely giving her time to answer. They were:
â€œIsnâ€™t this paradise?â€
â€œWouldnâ€™t you love to live here?â€
â€œWould you like to live here?â€
â€œWould you love to live here?â€
â€œWould you love to live here with me?â€
Ummmm, Andy. Arenâ€™t four of those questions pretty much exactly alike? Exactly what answer were you looking for? Quit fishing for compliments. Itâ€™s unbecoming of a Naval Officer. Now Iâ€™m only going to ask this one last timeâ€¦..â€œDID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED????!!!!!!!â€
-These two are now about to go cliff diving and rip off the scene from â€œCocktailâ€ where the then sane Tom Cruise makes out under the waterfall with the smoking hot Elizabeth Shue. My oh my, how times have changed. Now, we all knew Bevin had the tattoo on the back of her shoulder, but now with her bikini on, we see she also has the patented, â€œIâ€™m-from-Seattle-and-rebelled-against-my-parents-by-getting-married-early-and-getting-the-tramp-stamp-on-my-lower-backâ€ tattoo. Seeing that Bevin has a tramp stamp was about as surprising as, well, nothing. Bevin is giddy. â€œI have never met another guy like Andy in my life.â€ Except for that one guy you were once married to. You know, the one who you exchanged vows with and said â€œtilâ€™ death do us partâ€. You know, that guy? So quit youâ€™re lying.
-Andy is very excited about he and Bevinâ€™s dinner date because â€œIâ€™m not sure if Iâ€™ve gotten to know her on a deeper level.â€ Oh, donâ€™t worry. You will. Sheâ€™s very slutty. So these two head on over to a mini Luau where they watch a fire dancer. Now, Iâ€™ve been to a Luau before. And Iâ€™ve seen fire dancers before. I remember them being big, hulking, muscular Samoan guys. Was there not enough money in the ABC budget that they had to bring in this 45 year old white, balding, guy with the beer gut? Iâ€™m shocked he didnâ€™t use that thing as a shish kebab. Andy is right on point with Corny Joke #2 for the night: â€œFor lack of a better term, that was hot.â€ I have a request. Can someone take that stick of fire that fatso is playing with there and go spear Andy with it?
-Time for Andy to whip it out. The card from Host Chris, that is. â€œAndy and Bevin, I hope youâ€™re having a wonderful time at your Luau watching Fatty McFat Boy jiggle his belly for you. Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to stay together as a couple in our fantasy suite, where you may try and give Bevin the big â€œOâ€ sheâ€™s been waiting for the last six weeks.â€ Bevin: â€œI definitely want to accept the fantasy suite offer, in the hopes that we can continue the conversation, and you can get to know to me better. Thereâ€™s definitely passion there, but I want to also build the other aspect of our relationship.â€ Iâ€™m dead serious, she said that. I even paused and rewound the Tivo three times to make sure I got it word for word. She actually asked to use the fantasy suite as a place to continue their â€œconversation about getting to know each other better.â€ If it was possible for Andy to get a hard on for a woman, he just lost it. Nothing will deflate the balloon more than going to the â€œletâ€™s just talkâ€ card. Oye.
-Andy is really, really confused right now. He has three women, and two roses, and has no idea who heâ€™s sending home. So he does what anyone would do whoâ€™s in his situation, he calls on his best friend to help him out. Or in this case, his lover. Finally. Seven episodes in, and we finally get to meet Andyâ€™s life partner, Gatsby. Yes, Gatsby. His parents mustâ€™ve been huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fans to embarrass their son with a name like that. God help them. So, even though â€œTo Kill a Mockingbirdâ€ hasnâ€™t met, seen, emailed, texted, or spoken to any one of these three women, heâ€™s somehow supposed to help Andy with his decision? Explain to me how that works? And câ€™mon, isnâ€™t â€œGreat Expectationsâ€ a little biased here? You know, being Andyâ€™s lover and all? Are we really expecting him to be objective in this situation? I mean, please. Letâ€™s be real here. â€œOf Mice and Menâ€ is there for one reason and one reason only. Butt sex. Andy is tense. Heâ€™s there to loosen him up. And I canâ€™t believe I just insinuated that. Well, yes I can.
-Andy and the Great Gatsby really accomplish nothing other than a wasted 10 minute segment, so now itâ€™s on to the Rose Ceremony. This is where Host Chris just plays chauffeur escorting the ladies from the car to the little spot on the ground where the â€œXâ€ is. He knows he has no lines tonight, so he has to justify receiving a paycheck for this somehow. Andy: â€œAmazing few daysâ€¦..any man would be thrilled to have any of you by his sideâ€¦.I have two roses towards finding loveâ€¦..whichever one of you doesnâ€™t receive one, I suggest you re-activate your E-Harmony account when you get back to the mainland.â€
Bevin: I want Bevin to win now, so when theyâ€™re on the altar, and they ask, â€œIf anyone objects to this marriage, speak now, or forever hold your peaceâ€, her ex-hubby can pop out of nowhere and cause a scene. It wonâ€™t happen. Cuz sheâ€™s doesnâ€™t win.
Tessa: You know what would be crazy? Is if Tessa rejects Andyâ€™s proposal, but they still remain a couple. How wild would that be?
-Time for Andyâ€™s farewell speech to Danielle. Really not much he can say. â€œYouâ€™re amazingâ€¦..think the world of youâ€¦.nothing I can pinpointâ€¦.just need to follow my heart.â€ Good. Let her go. Sheâ€™s not for you anyway. Now seeing that the other two bachelorettes in my Top 3 are taken, maybe someone should float my name, number, address, social security number, and checking account information Danielleâ€™s way. I canâ€™t imagine that she could possibly turn down what I have to offer. Which is practically everything. And by â€œeverythingâ€, I mean â€œnot much at allâ€.
-Danielle: â€œI have trouble thinking about not seeing some that I care about ever againâ€¦..At least this time I had a little closure.â€ Whoa. Thatâ€™s rough. Hey, remember the psychic Danielle saw before she came on the show? The one who told her sheâ€™d have two serious relationships after her exâ€™s death, and then the third one would be the one? And Andy was #3. Remember that? WRONG! And hey, remember the psychic her and Andy saw on this date, and she told her all those nice and sweet things to make Danielle think that this was really going to work out with Andy? Remember her? WRONG! I hope thereâ€™s not a single psychic that is still in business after last nightâ€™s show.
-Yet another reason why I like Danielle. Did you catch her goodbye in the limo? One of the better ones weâ€™ve seen. Yeah, she was crying, but she wasnâ€™t blubbering on and on and on about how it didnâ€™t make any sense to her, and she had her heart broken, and she didnâ€™t understand how Andy could let her go, and yada, yada, yada. Especially for being the second runner up. She handled it very well. Kind of like, â€œOh well. There are bigger and better fish in the sea.â€ You bet your ass there is, honey.
-Ok, finale next week. And with it being two hours, I really donâ€™t know if I will be doing a full recap. I usually try to make it a bit shorter than usual since a lot of it is pomp and circumstance about how Andy and his bride are so in love and all that nonsense when we know theyâ€™ll eventually break up. But Dr. Reality Steve is here to help. Iâ€™ve current got three letters set to print, but Iâ€™d like a couple more. So send any questions, queries, comments, praises, criticisms, Danielleâ€™s phone number, to email@example.com. Until next weekâ€¦