Back by popular demand, itâ€™s Dr. Reality Steve. My guest columnist this week is Alexis, from last season of the â€œBachelorâ€. You may remember her as really being someone with values and morals, unlike Solisa. Something tells me even if her blood alcohol level was at .20, she wouldnâ€™t take off her top and go running into the ocean on national television. Call me crazy. Iâ€™ve had the distinct honor of dining with Alexis on a couple of occasions, and let me just say, her boyfriend could kick my ass. So I refuse to say anything bad about her. Not that thereâ€™s anything bad to say anyway. Awwwwâ€¦..how cute. I know, I know. Just me throwing on the charm. Without further adieu, the return of Dr. Reality Steveâ€¦..
1) I have the best guy in the world and he treats me so well and does so much for me, however, I am an active woman and this guy likes to spend too much time in front of the TV. Do they have any advice? I wouldn’t give him up for anything in the world and truly feel blessed and lucky, but I just wish he would be more active and care about his health and take care of himself so he is around for a long time.
Love ya Steve
Reality Steve: Since we donâ€™t know too many details about how â€œinactiveâ€ your husband is like his weight, heart rate, vital signs, whether or not heâ€™s ever had to be peeled off the couch by paramedics like that one episode of â€œNip/Tuckâ€, itâ€™s hard to judge exactly what weâ€™re dealing with here. However, you can be both – a couch potato, and someone who likes to go out and do stuff. I should know. Iâ€™m one of them. Thatâ€™s why TiVo was invented.
Until his couch potato ways start interfering with Saturday night plans, your sex life, vacations, and family events, then it shouldnâ€™t be a problem. Iâ€™ve said this before, and Iâ€™ll say it again: I watch TV. A lot of it. And I donâ€™t plan on stopping any time soon because I enjoy it. But itâ€™s also because of the situation Iâ€™m in right now. Iâ€™m single, and I work from home. So yeah, I have a ton of time to catch up on things. But I still go to the gym, I still eat right, and Iâ€™ll go out when the rarest of occasions pop up that I have a date.
Now, once a girlfriend comes along, still wont change things. Itâ€™ll just alter them a tad. Just means that the TiVo will get overloaded at some points. Never have I refused to go out because a game was on or the latest â€œIdolâ€ results show was airing. And of course, I ainâ€™t turning down sex to watch â€œScott Baio is 45.â€¦and Singleâ€¦.and now an Expectant Fatherâ€. So until this guy says, â€œNo honey, I donâ€™t want to go out to dinner, â€˜Mary Tyler Mooreâ€™ reruns are on TV Land tonightâ€, I wouldnâ€˜t worry about it too much.
Alexis: I hate to say it, but this is going to have to be his decision. Pretty much all you can do is invite him to work out with you. Also, I would be careful to keep your comments and suggestions positive and motivating, as opposed to being negative and critical. If he senses that you are criticizing him it will probably cause him to resent you and become defensive. In the end, it is for you to decide whether this is something that you can live with or not. Do his good qualities outweigh his inactivity? If so, then accept him for who he is. If not, then I wouldn’t waste any more time trying to change him, because I think we both know that the likelihood of him suddenly becoming Mr. Muscle & Fitness is slightly outweighed by the chance that he will just continue to warm the couch.
2) Hey Steve….great column! So glad Dr. Steve is back! Here’s my situation….I’m a 27 year old single female and have just gotten out of a 2 year relationship. My boyfriend was a great guy, just not the one for me. I didn’t realize this until about 6 months ago when I saw that he just wasn’t as close to his family as I am, how he still hangs around a lot of his college buddies that are single, and even though we had talked about marriage, I never really thought deep down this was the guy I could marry. He is 29 by the way. Anyway, recently one of his friends, who is probably the most mature one out of the group, has been coming on to me, and, I kinda like it. I know it’s against the rules to date your ex’s friends, but, what if this could be the guy? I’m not getting ahead of myself since I’ve never even been on a date with him, I’m just saying that he and I seem to have things in common, and I’d like to go out with him to see what’s there. But if things do end up working out, that could create an ugly situation. Help!
Thanks – Danielle
Reality Steve: Danielle, you have an interesting dilemma on your hands. And that dilemma is, â€œHow do I give it up to my ex-boyfriends really good friend without him finding out about it so soon?â€ Decisions, decisions.
If you really like this guy, and you think it could be more than a fling, then Iâ€™d do it, but I would NOT let him find about it until time has passed. Thatâ€™s just cold. Itâ€™s happened to me before, and even though I broke up with her, itâ€™s still not right for her to immediately get with one of my friends. Just isnâ€™t. Especially since it only turned out to be a fling anyway and it lasted about two dates. See, thatâ€™s what youâ€™re dealing with here. Remember, youâ€™ve just spent two years with this guy. Thatâ€™s pretty serious, especially when marriage was discussed. Go out with the guy, but say out of respect to both of yours friend who would be crushed if he found out, just keep it on the down low. If something develops between you two, then obviously youâ€™ll have to break the news at some point. But not right away.
Sounds like you still at least care about your ex, so, if you go through with it, just keep it private between you and his friend until you think its time. But try not to sleep with him. At least right away. Then it would just seem like you dumped your ex just so you could boink his friend. Which makes you seem about as classy as a hooker. I guarantee that there will be people (men and women) who disagree 100% with this, and I get that. Everyoneâ€™s entitled to their own opinion – no matter how wrong it is.
Alexis: If you are 100% done with your ex, then I say go for it. You don’t really owe him anything anymore and if you think you are meant to be with this new guy then by all means you should be together. I think you already know the ramifications of your decision, so now it’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons.
Reality Steve Note: Typical woman answerâ€¦ha ha.
3) Dr Reality Steve is back!!!! Yay!!!! I’m so excited. This may seem stupid, but I’m a 36 year old single mother who is attracted to someone who’s 22. We’ve been dating for the past 4 months, he’s really a great guy, he’s mature for his age, the sex is unbelievable, and he just makes me feel all young again. He really is one of the better boyfriends I’ve had. There’s just one problem. The fact that he’s 22 kinda bothers me. I can’t help who I’m attracted to, but, I’m not sure if this is just a fling or if there’s really something more there. And reading your columns for as long as I have, you seem to have a good idea what goes through guys heads, do you think I’m just a conquest for him? Is someone 22 really ready to be in a serious relationship with someone who’s 36? My 10 year old son is closer to his age than he is to me! And that scares me a lot. But I really like the guy, so I’m torn. Any advice?
P.S. – Bachelor Brad is HOT!!!!!! Oh, the things I’d love to do to him!!! Yummy!!! A woman can fantasize, right? LOL
Reality Steve: Sweetâ€¦.the cougars are on the prowl! Gotta love it. I would really like to get a little more info on this one since it could be quite interesting, but Iâ€™ll go with what we have.
Single mother, 36, with 10 year old son, giving up the nookie to a 22 year old twerp just outta college. Ok, maybe heâ€™s not a twerp, but thereâ€™s one universal thing that all 22 year olds have in common: they think with their hog. This is a proven fact. Anyone who doesnâ€™t is as gay as a parade. So always keep that in mind. Iâ€™m really interested to know what you mean by â€œhe treats me wellâ€. Like, he lets you Supersize all your meals? Heâ€™s always suggesting a matinee movie? He actually cleans off his bean bag and throws away the empty pizza boxes before you come over? What a guy.
Hey, Iâ€™m not saying that all 22 year olds are like that. Iâ€™m just saying 98% of them are. But if youâ€™re kidâ€¦ummmâ€¦man, is in that 2%, then good for you. Heâ€™s definitely a keeper. Until he dumps you once he gets bored an moves on to his next conquest. Honestly, I donâ€™t know enough about this guy to give any real good sound advice on this one. But for someone whoâ€™s been married (Iâ€™m assuming you were), has a kid, and now is dating someone fresh out of college, whoâ€™s probably never even had kids cross his mind while heâ€™s taking body shots off the hot bartender down in Cabo, Iâ€™d say there could be trouble on the horizon. There are too many X-factors Iâ€™m unaware of. How is he around your son? Has he even met your son? What do you guys do when you go out? How many of your conversations revolve around sex? What does he want to do with his life? Is he working? The list goes on. Good luck though. Youâ€™ll need it.
Alexis: First of all…I would like to express my GREAT displeasure, no, more like disgust, for how our society doesn’t blink an eye when an older guy is with a younger girl; but, when it is an older woman with a younger guy suddenly it is not ok. Hate, hate, hate this double-standard. But, given that it has been that way since the beginning of time, guess there is no reason to waste time worrying about it. Moving on…
Ok, if this guy is really your soul-mate, then I would just try not to worry about the age difference. Of course it will probably cause several problems down the road, but if you are enjoying your time with him now, then why not?
Reality Steve Note: I didnâ€™t realize society looked at the older woman/younger guy thing as not o.k. They do? Every time I see it, I think itâ€™s funny. Just doesnâ€™t look right. Ha haâ€¦that couldnâ€™t have possibly sounded any more sexist if I tried. Oops. And yes, older man/younger woman phenomen will go on til the end of time because that usually involves the older man having a lot of money, and frankly, a lot of younger women are looking for money. No young, hot, mid-20â€™s bimbo is with a guy 20 years older than her because heâ€™s good company. Heâ€™s either loaded, or is supplying her cocaine habit. Case closed.
4) Dear Steve….I cannot get over my ex-boyfriend and its driving me nuts!!!! We went out for a year, things seem to be going great, had the occasional argument here and there, nothing serious, and all the sudden I pretty much got the “It’s not you, it’s me” talk, and we’ve barely spoken since. We’re both in our late 20’s, live close to each other, basically saw or talked to each other every day, then out of the blue he does that? I’m devastated. I don’t know what to do. I never suspected for a second that he was cheating on me because he’s such a great guy and treated me great. All this silence, and lack of communication since the break up really is strange. I’m floored that he did this and have really been hurting and it just doesn’t seem like it was that big of deal to him. How can I just make it go away?
Reality Steve: Hey Debbie, I truly am sorry for what happened, and definitely it will take time to get over something like that, but the minute he told you â€œItâ€™s not you, itâ€™s meâ€, itâ€™s him. Itâ€™s him wanting to doink another woman. Or, at least try to. Thereâ€™s no real explanation as to why men do this, just know it happens. And by the way you described him, as one who gave you no clue as to what was coming, then to completely ignore you after the fact, seems to me heâ€™s definitely moved on to someone else. Sucks to hear, but itâ€™s probably true. Iâ€™d go slash his tires. Or hire a private investigator to follow him around and see who his new chick is. If you find out, and you realize youâ€™re much better looking than her, then youâ€™ll feel better about the whole thing. If sheâ€™s a 6 foot hot blonde model, then, ummm, well, I guess youâ€™ll have to think about them doing it every night when you put your head down on the pillow.
Alexis: As hard as this may be, the only thing that will fix it is time. I would recommend getting the book “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken.” It is written by the same straight-shooters who wrote “He’s Just Not That Into You” and it is filled with advice on how to deal with situations like this.
Also, though it may seem like it has all come out of the blue from your perception, I can almost guarantee you there is a clear-cut reason. Either (1) this has been festering for awhile on his end and he just finally got up the courage to end things, or (2) there is another girl. I know, I know, it’s hard to hear that, but people don’t just break-up with people who they are in love with. They just don’t. People stay with people they like, they call them, they spend time with them…but they don’t break up with them. I don’t care what his cop-out excuse was, the fact of the matter is he just doesn’t want to be with you right now. And, why would you want to spend one single second of your precious life worrying about some guy who doesn’t even care enough to pick up the phone and call you? That’s right, you don’t. Just remember that eventually you will find the one guy who will never make you feel this way, but you have to get rid of all the stragglers along with way before you find him.
I feel for you girl, we have all been through it and it stinks big-time. Just know that in the end it will all work out for the best (I know you hate to hear that now but it’s true!!). And in the meantime, go get that book right now!
5) We have an employee here (woman) who does not wash her hands after using the bathroom. She walks out of the stall, straight to the mirror to preen and primp and then leaves. It is really disgusting becaue she will head straight to the kitchen where there is often a spread of food (donuts, bagels, croissants, breakfast tacos) and proceeds to paw her way through the box of donuts. It’s especially sickening when she leaves the restroom only to walk up to a client and shake hands in the lobby (if they only knew where that unwashed hand had been!) — you get my meaning. We have tried leaving hand sanitizer on her desk and, I tried guilting her into washing her hands when I was washing mine once by saying, “hey have you tried this new liquid soap? It’s really nice!” She just looked at me like I had ten heads and didn’t even acted embarrased when it was obvious I was washing my hands and suggesting that she wash hers, too.
So, any great advice on how to get a co-worker to wash her hands? It’s gotten to the point where I won’t eat any food that is delivered because there is no telling if she’s pawed through the tray or box before I get there.
Reality Steve: I would report her to the proper authorities, have your boss call her into her office to berate her, and then buy a box of Purell hand sanitizers and leave it on her desk. I wonder if she’ll get the picture after that.
It’s funny, I thought only guys were the gross ones who didn’t wash their hands in the public bathroom, but you women do it too? Outstanding. I can’t wait to kiss my next date on the hand at the end of the night. I might get a lip fungus from it.
Ladies, I know you’ve never experienced this, but just once, you need to sneak into the men’s bathroom at a club at least once during your life to see what goes on in there. So many metro guys tweaking their hair in the mirror, slapping on 12 ounces of cologne they just bought from the bathroom “attendant”, and numerous dudes text messaging the girl they’re about to hook up with once they are able to get away from their girlfriend. It’s really a sight to see. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.
Alexis: Looks like you have three options:
(1) install a hidden camera, catch her in the act, post it on you-tube and send out a mass e-mail with the link;
(2) confront her yourself; or
(3) try to get over it.
Since (1) is probably out of the question, and if you were willing to confront her yourself you probably would have just done that rather than write to Reality Steve, that leaves (3). And hate to say it, but she is probably not the only co-worker who has this problem. In fact, the Soap and Detergent Association reports that a 2005 study it commissioned shows that only 83% of people washed their hands after using a public restroom. Yeah I know…yuck. Further, the Center for Disease Control recommends that you lather up for a minimum of 20 seconds; which, I’m guessing most people don’t adhere to either.
Basically, all you can do in this situation is to tend to your own hygiene and try not to stress over the random chance that this co-worker has manhandled your morning doughnut.
Reality Steve Note: Hey Alexis, quit making me look bad by actually backing up your opinions with statistical analysis. Who actually needs evidence to back up their points? Is that really necessary? No charts or bar graphs are allowed on RealitySteve.com.
Thank you very much to Alexis for contributing this week. I really appreciate it and Iâ€™m sure my readers do too. Next week, Lisa from Lorenzoâ€™s season will be stepping in and contributing her two cents on all issues that deal with sex, relationships, and affairs. If thatâ€™s what you decide to ask about. Send all emails to: firstname.lastname@example.org. Until next weekâ€¦.